martyfromgiant

[martyfromgiant]

sorry i actually can’t hang out, i have to go watch season 5 episode 22 of castle, write sad poetry, and cry myself to sleep…

#castle #kate beckett #richard castle #still #5.22 #rick. i love you. #poetry

[martyfromgiant]

to lose you in life

in my mind i was going to lose her and i had to decide if i wanted to lose her in life or in death

i saw her beautiful, delicate life being placed in my trembling hands

full of uncertainty and fear,

so scared i would drop it,

accidentally let it slip,

that her life would shatter into a million tiny pieces all littered around me,

that i would be alone to pick them up,

one by one,

piece by piece as they cut into my fingers,

edges razor sharp,

the blood seeping down my arms,

as i realized my best friend was gone,

my blood mixing with the tears that ran down my cheeks

her memory scattered around as tiny shimmering shards of glass sparkled in the sun,

shone bright to the world,

scattering rainbows all around,

but to me,

i only saw red,

the deep crimson of my blood smudged over the gleaming crystal

a memory of my frantic, hopeless attempt to put her back together,

but she was gone,

i had lost her in death,

and all that remained were the deep scars and lingering glitter of her memory

but instead, i lost her in life,

still there but never the same,

the pain and suffering always right behind her eyes,

giving them a gloss that only shone to me

as close as always but somehow further than ever,

present but not really there,

i see people all around, but never in my life have i felt so alone

alone without her smile that could brighten any room

i had lost her in life,

she felt so far away,

so much further than 6 feet under

they never talk about this “gone”

this gone so full of loneliness

but there she stood before me every day

this gone with the cold stares and silent treatment

this gone with the long texts and endless tears

they never tell you that this gone leaves scars much deeper than those made leaving flowers in front of stone, than the tear streaks and lost sleep

to lose you in life was to leave those wounds open,

never quite healing right

to lose you in life was to think fondly of your warmth, knowing i won’t feel it again

to lose you in life is to live with myself and the knowledge i have lost you forever

and, when it’s quiet, to lose you in life is to face the voice that whispers to me,

asking if it would have been easier

to lose you in death.

#text post #poetry #feelings #grief poetry

[martyfromgiant]

christmas time is so lovely bc i get so many comfort fics from so many amazing writers

#ao3 #christmas #lesbian

[martyfromgiant]

a little something i wrote when i lost someone important to me. idk if you could call this poetry but i called it these summer nights:

how i hoped to spend these summer nights with you

cool and quiet with the gentlest of breezes

the setting sun lighting us up yellow and gold as we laugh and smile

how i wanted to forget the worries of the outside world for a few moments with you

i wished to gaze at the stars as they slowly dotted the sky after sunset

like tiny holes being poked in a curtain draped above our heads

the moon steady and bright casting shadows on your smile

we’d spend hours gazing at the stars through my telescope like we always said we would

we’d relive that night at kerr when we gazed at the moon and spent time goofing around on the basketball courts before running back to my car giggling, hands and noses freezing

i was so excited to lose myself in you, in your eyes, your melodic laugh, your smile

i wanted to feel so at peace and in so much joy like i had found my place

i realize now that these things will never, can never happen

not anymore

not after how you so carelessly played with my heart

the light in me dimmed ever so slightly

and despite moving on and realizing what our relationship meant

i can’t help but mourn the loss of the dreams i had for these summer nights

i suppose i’ll have to find another to spend these moments with

another smile to mirror mine

someone else to feel the warm breeze with as the sky slowly fades to darkness

but no one really feels the same as you

laughs at my jokes like you do

makes me smile even when i think it’s impossible in the moment

but now that dream has faded

can no longer be reached

i will never get to experience one of these summer nights with you

all i can do it think of you

of the times we could have shared

but now, sitting in the houston twilight with someone new

i can’t help but dream about what it would be like to spend these summer nights

with you

#text post #poetry

[martyfromgiant]

it’s odd to me, that i still find being queer difficult and isolating these days. you’d think with how accepting and open minded people are these days, everything would be sunshine and rainbows. but it isn’t. it’s still hard. i still feel alone despite being surrounded by a fair amount of other queer people. maybe it’s because i have no one in my life that strongly relates to me. the population of lesbians my age in my suburban town is somewhat small. very very small. no one else seems to want to talk about these issues, talk about the new queer media and everything about it.

my life in my queerness is not close to the worst it could be by any means. i have accepting family and friends and i’m in an area that is more or less accepting. sure i come across a few assholes but who doesn’t? but no one my age wants to spend hours and hours talking about aloto and killing eve and other groundbreaking queer media. the losses i feel when my beloved characters die, i face alone. i can scroll through tik tok and twitter and tumblr but it’s not the same as talking to someone about everything. someone my age who has the same interests i do. sure i don’t experience homophobia, but not having fellow queer people and lesbians who want to dive into these worlds is so difficult. tumblr has become my only real connection to people like me who could talk about these little gay shows for hours and hours. a place where i can share my feelings and be passionate without a fear of judgement from the people around me. it’s nice to know other people get obsessed like i do.

it doesn’t change the fact, however, that i have no tangible connection to my lesbian identity where other people feel the same as i do (don’t get me started on how much of a pain ass it has made dating).

the problems and oppression we face is by no means gone. that lonely world out there and a life without acceptance is still there, creeping up on us every so often, knocking us back down a peg and “putting us in our place” so to speak. but in this much more common accepting and open world, there is still a little pocket, a corner, if you will, of that same loneliness. that feeling deep down that people don’t truly understand you, that you will be judged for exploring and expressing your interests. yes i’m surrounded by queer people and allies, but am i surrounded by people interested in fighting this fight, people who will embrace me, people who will share these new exciting pieces of media with me? no, i can’t necessarily say i am. fighting the assholes around you is only half the battle. fighting the inner loneliness and the voice telling you you’re not enough or crazy for your interests, is a very present and very demanding other half of the fight.

so i resort to pouring my heart and soul out on this platforms in my silly little blog posts feeling my heart explode with each like, comment, and reblog i get, showing someone out there feels the way i do. there’s truly nothing like it and makes my obsession and passion feel a little more validated and my connection to the queer community a little stronger.

#aloto #killing eve #queer community #lesbian #text post

[martyfromgiant]

[martyfromgiant]

see my current problem is i have now consumed three different pieces of media with three separate people named max. we have max mayfield in stranger things, max chapman in a league of their own, and max what’s his face from do revenge. whenever i see max in a text post it takes me a second, and usually that second is chalk full of confusion.

#a league of their own #aloto #max chapman #stranger things #max mayfield #do revenge #max broussard #this shit is confusing #why do tags have to be on the bottom

[martyfromgiant]

something i wrote at a much lonelier and darker time. i haven’t found this yet but the journey to this goal feels a little easier and more attainable. i still think about it sometimes but i thought i’d share i case someone else could relate because that’s my absolute favorite part of this app, sharing the vulnerable and lonely parts of myself in hopes someone else feels the same.

i’m always holding out for something. on the smallest scale i’m holding out for the end of the day when i can relax. then the weekend. then the next day off from school or holiday break. summer. the end of high school. finishing college. falling in love. i am constantly yearning and awaiting the day where i can relax knowing that i owe nothing more to society and i can just be free to be who i am with the person i love. i feel that it says something about our society that we define success as a boring desk job that we hate. i feel i will be truly successful when i am so stupidly happy. when i fall in love with my other half. i dream of us being inseparable. constantly on each other’s minds calculating how to be together as much as possible. i will truly be successful when i finally feel at peace with myself. at peace with the world. it scares me to think that i will not achieve this. that i will end up with the hollow version of success that the rest of the world strives for. i hope that i will be able to push everything else aside and give myself to someone else. that i can lean on them and truly achieve my dreams and find my place in the world. i hope that one day i am baffled at the thought of my existence now as a sad and lonely person. that i can never imagine a life without the person that i love and the person that i will become.

who knows, maybe these will be the wedding vows to the person i find this with. i hope that my fears are just a construct of my hormonal teenage brain and that i will in fact find the person i am destined to be with. living the dreams i have always had. fighting for the quiet moments together. when neither of us need to say anything. and we can just be there together. in love. with no other worried in the world.

but for now i will hold out until the end of the day. hold out until the weekend. even though i never truly feel at peace. i can never get the noise in the back of my head to truly stop. sometimes it quiets but i am always somewhat aware of the anxiety churning around in the deepest parts of my brain. i am always scared of what comes next and scared of the challenges i will face. i yearn for the day that i will feel at ease. like i am meant to be exactly where i am. i wait for the moments i never want to end. a few have come but never lasted long enough. i hope i make it until the day where i cry with joy knowing i will never have to worry about these fears again. i hope that i will or at least in the meantime found a good way to quiet the thoughts. i await the day where my life now seems like a distant dream. the day i will sigh a breath of relief knowing i am where i am meant to be.

#text post #all the feels #sapphic #lgbtq #lesbian

[martyfromgiant]

“you have already left kudos here :)” BITCH LET ME DO IT AGAIN!!!!!

#ao3 #ao3fic #ao3 kudos

[martyfromgiant]

i’m sorry but like. sometimes i’m straight up not looking respectfully………..like at all…

[martyfromgiant]

Show of hands: who else is surviving purely because of fanfiction right now? Because if I couldn't read about my favourite idiots getting stuck in different time periods, in ridiculous scenarios and then having maddeningly good sex, I wouldn't get up in the morning.

The world sucks. Thank you Archive Of Our Own writers. I truly love you.

[martyfromgiant]

like many, a league of their own has become my new hyperfixation and obsession (bc how could it not) but whenever i get attached to a show like this, it fills some sort of void within me by giving new representation, but for some reason leaves another behind.

aloto was amazing in that it was a new kind of representation we have never gotten before, so many queer leads, black queer and trans rep, a story told by and for queer people, relationships we deserved and didn’t have to wait a whole season for. i could talk about it all day long, about how groundbreaking this show is, about how much it means to me, and dreaming of possibilities and stories to be explored in a new season.

thankfully with aloto, there wasn’t a soul crushing ending. people were happy, max and esther were living their dream, carson and greta ended on a beautiful, bittersweet note. yes charlie saw it but doors were left open. no one died, no one got sent away. with queer people writing the show, i can’t imagine carson being put away, i imagine she leaves charlie if he doesn’t accept her (as i’ve seen in a lot of fan fics that i wholeheartedly agree with).

this contrasts endings like killing eve and the haunting of bly manor, but for some reason, a hole is still left. after killing eve and the haunting of bly manor, i felt empty and sad and cried my eyes out. it felt like i lost a piece of me seeing someone that represented a part of me dying and seeing the aftermath. there was none of that with aloto. the ending made me happy, people were happy, they formed so many beautiful relationships and the ending felt right.

i genuinely don’t know why i feel the way i do. am i sad i have to wait so long to see the characters again? am i sad i don’t have a support system and connection to my community like so many of the queer characters in the show did? am i jealous? am i mourning the fact that i won’t see more of this and that it wasn’t actually someone’s real life i saw play out in front of me? am i sad i’m not a part of the world? i mean it was fucking 1943 with the war and homophobia running high? i genuinely don’t know. what is happening to me??? i’m so confused.

it doesn’t help that i have no one in my life that strongly relates to me. sadly the population of lesbians my age in my suburban town is small. very very small. no one else seems to want to talk about these issues, talk about the new queer media and everything about it. my life in my queerness is not close to the worst it could be by any means. i have accepting family and friends and i’m in an area that is more or less accepting. sure i come across a few assholes but who doesn’t? but no one my age wants to spend hours and hours talking about aloto and killing eve and other groundbreaking queer media. the losses i feel when my beloved characters die, i face alone. i can scroll through tik tok and twitter and tumblr but it’s not the same as talking to someone about everything. someone my age who has the same interests i do. sure i don’t experience homophobia but not having fellow queer people and lesbians who want to dive into these worlds is so difficult. tumblr has become my only real connection to people like me who could talk about these little gay shows for hours and hours. a place where i can share my feelings and be passionate without a fear of judgement from the people around me. it’s nice to know other people get obsessed like i do. it doesn’t change the fact, however, that i have no tangible connection to my lesbian identity where other people feel the same as i do (don’t get me started on how much of a pain ass it has made dating). so i resort to pouring my head and soul out on this platforms in my silly little blog posts feeling my heart explode with each like, comment, and reblog i get, showing someone out there feels the way i do. there’s truly nothing like it and makes my obsession and passion feel a little more validated and my connection to the queer community a little stronger.

#a league of their own #carson x greta #aloto #greta gill #carson shaw #killing eve #lgbtq #wlw pride #wlw #queer community #the haunting of bly manor #queer media

[martyfromgiant]

inside you there are two wolves, both of them are gay for d’arcy carden.

#darcy carden #a league of their own #greta gill

[martyfromgiant]

i’m so proud to see that every piece of sapphic media is better and more validating than the last. a league of their own showed the pain of being queer in the 40s and how hard it was to hide. but they didn’t make it the whole story, they still showed the joy and the fight to be together, not just the misery. they still showed greta and carson being accepted by their community, things we didn’t get to see with shows like stranger things. sure we get to see them accepted by peers, but no people that truly get it. the show was also made by queer people for queer people and wasn’t seen through the male gaze or fetishized at all. we also bet to see black queer relationships in the 40s which is huge.

with first kill, we see a relationship that isn’t all about coming out and the struggle of being queer. the problem outsiders had with their relationship wasn’t that they were both women or that one was a black woman, it was that they were dating their sworn enemy.

with the wilds, we got to see queer relationships and relationships between young girls evolve and develop during difficult times. it really harped on the concept of girl power and female relationships. it focused on girls being themselves and having safe spaces to discover who they are.

with killing eve, we got to see the dark side of ourselves being explored and once again, the problem people have isn’t that eve is dating another woman, it’s that she’s dating a psychopath and murderer.

with the haunting of bly manor, the queer relationship isn’t questioned, they’re too busy fighting ghosts. it’s a relationship not shown through the male gaze or fetishized at all.

it’s so nice to know that queer media doesn’t stop at shows like atypical or movies like portrait of a lady on fire. while yes, they are good pieces of media, there are so many new things out that more holistically represent the sapphic experience. it’s refreshing to be able to see yourself on screen when it was never an option before. this is why people are so upset about cancellations, our validation and representation is being taken away. it fucking sucks and you can’t fully grasp that until you have experienced it.

i could talk about this stuff for hours on end but this is really my only outlet. this is the only place people really understand, where people have absorbed the media i have absorbed and those people are just as obsessed as i am. it feels good to have a community of people that understand and want to relate to me.

#a league of their own #aloto #carson x greta #first kill #calliope x juliette #the wilds #shoni #the haunting of bly manor #thobm #killing eve #villaneve #lgbtq #wlw pride #sapphic community

[martyfromgiant]

[martyfromgiant]

the most important step in the hero’s journey is the gay sex

[martyfromgiant]

binged a league of their own in less than a day, finished it and started rewatching pretty much immediately. less than a day and i already forgot how much i fucking hate dove.

#a league of their own #prime video #greta gill #carson shaw #carson x greta