mytimeisworthless

[mytimeisworthless]

Post 5

It's currently 3am on my couch

I'm not sure why I'm awake to be honest. But it's really annoying and bad because of what all I have going on tomorrow. I'm taking part in a clinical trial for a new technology that would measure oxygen levels in the brain. Ya I'm that kid in college who whores out his body to science for a quick buck. Anyway. After the scan which they say will take from 8am to 4pm I'm gonna drive 4.5 hours north to visit my family. I wasnt planning in seeing them till the end of the month but I unexpectedly had a few days off this week. The point is my day tomorrow is starting at 8am and ending most likely at 10 PM ish. And if I dont sleep that means I could have an accident while driving or just not be in a good mood to see family in. The other really annoying thing is the doctor told me to fast after 10 pm the night before the scans. Problem was I didnt eat dinner bc my stomach was super uncomfy. So I kinda broke the rule and had like 7 saltine crackers at about 11 something when my hunger was BIG. I'm a bit of a caffeine addict so hopefully they will feed me at some point during the scan process cuz like. Fml that's a long time to keep me from eating!!! But hey they gonne pay me big sexy money for this soooo heres hoping I get all the dough and some sleep tonight

[mytimeisworthless]

Post 4

It's currently 4:30 am in my bed

My last 3 posts were all thoughts that kept me awake at stupid hours of the night. But this one I'm making cuz I wanna tell some body about just a small thought that's been in my head these last few days

I really want to be a dad. It all started with tik tok. Ya I know I'm lame. Anyway slot of kids on there have been posting videos about graduating to the Panic at the disco song "high hopes" but just that one line "hey look ma I made it". Those videos make me cry. Cuz I just feel this deep emotional pull of wanting to be proud of them and I dont even know them. Then it was when I went to the beach on memorial day. The car ride was like 3 hours so at one point my boyfriend and I talked about some farm we would have and all the kids we would have together. Now I've started watching Steven Universe and I see the gems all try their best to parent Steven.

I didnt always want to be a dad. For a long time I thought that my sexuality and gender identity would make for a horrible parent. But I got over that cuz over time I met alot of kids who were lgbtq+ and they all looked up to me. I would have a running joke where I would call them my kids and that I had about 17 of them. I felt like a role model and a support system for them. It made me realize I had something inside me that one day could make a good parent. By college tho I was feeling drained from always being the adult or always being a mentor bc I've still never felt like I was worthy of being called those things.

Recently though I'd kill to meet a young person and show them what love can be. Holding some one while they cry. Teaching them that family isnt about blood and supporting them through everything. Only problem is I'm scared. Scared I'll get tired again and let them down. I'm also worried that I'm focusing on being a dad rn when I'm still a kid myself. Idk I'm mostly just over thing a small thought. But it's ok. I just wanted to tell someone and while rn I have no followers I like venting here.

#late night thots #up late #late night #dad #i want to be a parent #4 am rambles #4 am mood #4 am posts #4 am thoughts #post 4 #steven universe #memorial day #tiktok #idk #vent #rambles

[mytimeisworthless]

Post 3

It's currently 4:10 am on my couch

I have mostly one thing on my mind tonight and like true irony its rest. Tonight I cant seem to sleep and my mind is racing about how the hell I'm ment to relax decompress and rest. Let me break this down for you. Here are the stressors and time consumptions I've had the past 3 weeks.

Finals

My car was under repair for over an month when I was told it would take 2 weeks

My friend came in town, and since his gf has big money we went out alot and this put a big strain on my bank account.

The mega low bank account made me secluded myself for like 4 days.

I had to ask my cousin for money so I keep going to work in the loaner car from the shop.

I was working 7am to 4 pm for a week and nearly everyday after work my bf asked to see me when he got back in town

I started my second job working 7 hours a day outside.

Every day after work I had to see people and be up late

Saturday was told I wouldn't have to come in on Memorial day and rather than have the day to myself I went to the beach which is almost 3 hours away.

Today I went to my friends pre OP appointment. I assumed it would take like 2 hours max. Instead I was with him from 1:30 pm till like 8ish.

Ok so I realize this just makes me sound like I'm whining about being too social. Heres the real. I've been very giving with my time and my money. And today it really got at me. I have to work alot this summer to make my rent and pay my bills. This means my few times to myself should be something I budget. I am an extrovert so I need to be around good people to feel ok. But I'm also an Empath so being around people 24/7 can honestly just fuck me in a lot of ways. Any way I need to tell people no more often and I also need to avoid seclusion. I just hope I can stop thinking about all this so I can go to bed.

#late night thots #up late #late night #busybee #busy #busyday #cant sleep #4 am thoughts #4 am posts #4 am rambles #4 am mood

[mytimeisworthless]

Post 2

It's currently 2:17 am in my bed

Before my thoughts some context for all

I have anxiety and ADD. When my brain has rapid thoughts I tend to conceptualize it as "oh is this my anxiety brain or my ADD brain talking?" Sometimes it's both, sometimes its just my "normal" (more like neurotypical) brain. That way I can better identify how to combat the rapid thoughts.

Now onto my thoughts. First I was fighting my anxiety brain over school things namely the fact that I'm certain to fail more than one class this semester and I feel like a failure for it. One coping skill I use (its not healthy) is I distract my self and ignore the anxiety brains thoughts and feelings. On this night distractions I found a YouTube video about traits people find annoying. I found my self Identifying with almost all those traits. So my ADD brain took over and I was 9 Google tabs deep into "How can I be a better person?" "How to shut up and listen" "Fixing annoying personality traits". So now what do I do? For now I'm going to try and sleep so I may escape my racing thoughts about being an annoying failure.

#add #anxeity #anxious #failure #annoying #brain #late night thots #late night #up late #post 2 #2 am #2 am thoughts #2 am feelings

[mytimeisworthless]

Post 1

Its 5:15 am where I currently lay.

I just spent the last hour on tik tok because I started to spiral as I realized my GPA this semester will be worse than ever. While on my tik tok distraction binge I came across a profile that had a striking resemblance to my ex. And for whatever reason I went to go look up my ex on insta bc that was the only place I could think of that I might remember their user name. I was quickly disinterested when I realized the person on tik tok was not my ex. But something told me to scroll to the bottom of the profile. So I did. On that journey I saw that they never deleted any old pics of me or of us together. It was a strange and almost good feeling? Our relationship was not a healthy one. I cant explain my self well as to what the feeling was. I guess it was just nice seeing old pics of me that weren't selfies. Pictures that were from some one elses point of view and that were of me from what feels like a life time ago

TL;DR

It's late. My professors and I are both mad at my GPA. Tik tok is weird. My ex had old pics of me. Strange feelings?

#late night thots #late night #tiktok #rip my gpa #gparted #gpa #my ex #pictures #internet #Instagram #color text #5 am #5 am thoughts #5 am post #post 1

[mytimeisworthless]

Hello all

So I'm not gonna make this a completely private blog but I will keep most of my personal posts here. Sharing is caring. And who knows so poor sap in another time zone could read this blogs content.

#latest news #late night #thoughts #late night thots #my thots #penny for your thots #personal #new blog