#=like I try not to get too mad about the random insensitive things they’ve said over the years for my health but

[x-rds]

[Lio] we are sick with something (not covid thankfully) and can’t stop coughing bc our lungs are fucked and I’m thinking of the time our ex made fun of us for not being able to hold our breath for very long and then they were like “wait I just remembered you had pneumonia”

#liolog #=like I try not to get too mad about the random insensitive things they’ve said over the years for my health but #=you’d think. they would have remembered. on account of that’s the entire reason we can’t bind anymore #=like. yeah the reason my lungs suck ass is because I got pneumonia by going to a convention and wearing a binder for 16 hours over 2 days #=and a con YOU were with me for. because I stayed at YOUR house for it #=anyways !!!!!

[ordinaryschmuck]

The Owl House from Worst to Best:

Salutations, random people on the internet who certainly won't read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck! I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

With The Owl House sort of returning in about a week, I figured that to celebrate, I would do the impossible: Rank the series from worst to best.

Why do I say that's impossible? Because The Owl House is one of those shows that makes me so happy that, while at its lowest...it's not that bad. Yes, even the episode you already know will be the worst isn't exactly the worst written episode in television's history. It's just that compared to the series at its highest, when you look at what's at the bottom, the cracks start to show.

So, you might as well say this is a "worst" to best list. Some might disagree, but hey, you try judging a show that makes you feel this happy.

Also, since I've talked about every episode in The Owl House, I'm not going in-depth on what I think about them. I'm using one to two sentences maximum. Three, if I really want to push it. If you really wanted to know what I think about each one, here’s a masterpost of every review I’ve ever made about The Owl House.

With that said, let's start this list off with, let's be honest, the one you already knew was going to be considered "the worst."

(Also, it goes without saying, but there’s going to be spoilers in this. That’s what happens when you talk about every episode of a series.)

40.  “Once Upon a Swap”-Again, it's not bad, as there are some decent jokes sprinkled in...but "Once Upon A Swap" is pointless. Other episodes at least have outstanding character interactions and plot relevance for me to consider them essential to the series. But this episode really is the one where if you cut it out, you'll miss nothing (just put Lilith revealing that she and Eda wanted to join the Emperor's Coven in another episode).

39. “Really Small Problems”-I love the exploration between King and Luz's relationship and appreciate that it was an accident that he shrunk Gus and Willow...and that's all the compliments I have. The jokes aren't as funny as they could have been, Tibbles really is the worst character in the show, and Eda's subplot is...painful. Not bad, but just below average isn't pretty either.

38. “Sense and Insensitivity”-I don't dig Luz and King's story about writing a book, nor do I enjoy how quickly it's resolved, but Eda and Lilith's B-plot saves this episode. You get a sense of how much they care about one another which, in turn, adds extra pain in "Agony of a Witch," making this episode a C+ to a B-.

37. “The First Day”-The pacing really is what kills this one. There's so much "The First Day" has to do, and the writers have so little time to do it that when they do some familiar story beats, it comes off as disingenuine and out of nowhere. Still love it, though, for the new characters introduced and the lesson being told, but that doesn’t automatically make this episode better.

36. “A Lying Witch and a Warden”-Yeah, the message is heavy-handed, and the pacing's all kinds of wonky, but I still say this pilot does its job in making us like the series while future episodes reveal why we should love it.

35. “Hooty’s Moving Hassle”-I was entertained by the shenanigans Luz, Gus, and Willow got into and felt the shock in that reveal of Willow and Amity's past friendship...but did Eda really need to be that incompetent? The Hexes Hold'em thing manages to come back later in a much better episode, but I don't know. I feel it would take more than Tibbles to trick Eda that easily.

34. “I Was A Teenage Abomination”-Initially, you don't care that Luz and Willow cheated because they were standing up to the mean, one-dimensional bully. But, now knowing who Amity is and why she acts the way that she does, you start to see that she has a right to be mad and that Luz and Willow really shouldn’t feel too proud of what they’ve done. At least this episode gets points for introducing the rest of our main cast and having a fun B-plot with King and Eda.

33. “Something Ventured, Someone Framed”-Why does Gus' first episode have to be a liar reveal story? It's not as bad as it could have been, but it does leave a sour impression of what Gus episodes could be. On the bright side, we see how determined Eda is to make Luz happy, which is always lovely.

32. “Witches Before Wizards”-This was the reality check that Luz needed to see that the Boiling Isles isn't a fantasy world she can just escape to. Are Eda and King a little too mean spirited when it comes to joshing on Luz about her being the chosen one? Maybe, but they hardly knew her at this point, and I feel like Eda and King coming to save Luz more than proves that they'll always be there for her despite the occasions they'll laugh at her.

31. “Adventures in the Elements”-King's B-plot of dealing with evil stuffed toys is funny, but having it hurts Luz's story. If we really got to see what she went through in training with Eda, it would make Luz's big outburst genuine and understandable rather than impatient and whiney. At least I still get chills (ha) at seeing her learn a second spell, so I guess things aren't too bad.

30. “Escape of the Palisman”-Luz's story is engaging, and King's is weirdly cute...but the overall episode didn't wow me, you know? It's hard to explain, but for me personally, "Escape of the Palismen" is missing that extra zip that makes it go from good to great.

29. “Any Sport in a Storm”-I loved the stuff with Hunter and Willow, showing so much about their characters while maybe sparking a relationship that could hopefully go somewhere...but that subplot with Luz and Amity is worse on a rewatch, oh my word! We do not need half an episode dedicated to why Amity has The Great Witch Azura books when a seven-second conversation of her finding them washed up on the shore or buying them off of Eda would work better. The stuff with Willow and Hunter at least saves this episode, but man, does that stuff with Luz and Amity sting.

28. “Enchanting Grom Fright”-A beautiful episode that digs deep into Luz and Amity's anxieties (mainly Luz's) while ending with an explicit reveal that made the entire LGBTQA+ community watching this feel their jaw drop. It's great...though I will admit, I feel like this episode gets worse the more I rewatch it. NOT BAD, but the cracks (King's subplot, how it takes place in one day when it feels like two, and the fact that they let children fight a monster) become more difficult to ignore despite how the incredible stuff makes me want to.

27. “Wing It Like Witches”-In this episode, Willow proves how much she's changed by going against Boscha, a character who doesn't want to change. Meanwhile, you have Amity doing the same thing by choosing to be a part of the wildness that is Luz's friend group instead of siding with such trivial things as social status. Some people remember this as the goofy sports episode with Amity acting as a gay disaster but, to me, "Wing it Like Witches" celebrates character growth and development, and I am all here for it.

26. “Lost in Language”-Sure, we get a "two idiots and a baby" subplot, but at least we get a great "don't judge a book by its cover" storyline that finally kickstarts Amity's road to redemption. You see, this is how the good stuff outweighs the bad: Having more good and less bad.

25. “The Intruder”-It has a decent spooky atmosphere that introduces Eda's curse and how it cleverly ties into a chronic illness allegory, to the point where fans debate that she shouldn't have it cured, thus telling you how impactful that allegory is. It still bothers me a bit that King takes most of the blame when Luz's attitude contributed to his error, but I don't find as much issue with it as I used to. It's all still great.

24. “Covention”-I still stand by this being the perfect episode to show a friend if you want to get them into The Owl House. "Covention" has most of our essential characters, features some stellar writing that makes the episodes before it pales in comparison, and it's early enough where it won't spoil much. If you want people to watch The Owl House, start here and then show them the rest of the series so they know the kind of quality they'll be signing up for.

23. “Them’s the Breaks, Kid”-A cute, fluffy episode that manages to be the most essential at the literal last minute. Hats off to these writers for expertly making something that gives us a break from the story while still giving us important story beats at the same time.

22. “Young Blood, Old Souls”-A solid, tense, and emotional ending to the first season even if Lilith's redemption and the overall story could have slowed down a bit.

21. “Keeping Up A-Fear-Ances”-This episode is really engaging in the beginning and jaw-dropping in the end. It's just the stuff in the middle that could have used a lot more polish.

20. “Separate Tides”-A solid beginning to the second season, catching fans up on what they missed between seasons and letting the characters adjust to these new shifts in the status quo. Not as spectacular as the rest of Season Two, but still pretty great.

19. “Escaping Expulsion”-We're finally officially introduced to Amity's parents, not only giving Amity one last test of her loyalty to Luz but showcasing Luz's loyalty to her friends with how far she'd go to help them. Now, maybe Eda acts a little too recklessly, and Gus and Willow get sidelined a little too hard...but the amount of excitement I felt in seeing Luz blush at Amity is immeasurable. So leave me alone if I consider "Escaping Expulsion" is worth ignoring those two valid criticisms!

18. “Understanding Willow”-An incredible episode that gives us great insights into both Willow and Amity, their histories, their friendship, and how they became the people they are today. And, hey, the B-plot doesn't detract too much from the A-plot's drama and story. That's a plus for a Season One episode.

17. “Follies at the Coven Day Parade”-This almost felt like a season premiere. It had big, epic scenes, some compelling character moments, and established a sense of dread that remains consistent with the rest of Season Two. It really is outstanding...too bad Luz desperately wanting to help Kikimora is too insane of a concept that it severely hurts the episode.

16. “Through the Looking Glass Ruins”-A Gus episode that gives his character much-needed development that also gives us a Lumity subplot about them being cute while developing their relationship? Can I get a "HECK YEAH?!"

15. “Eclipse Lake”-A great episode that allows our two redeemable characters to talk and bond, with Amity proving how much she's changed by trying to offer the same chance to Hunter, despite how he's not ready to take that step just yet. It's all good...but what's with writing Eda as an idiot and letting Gus and Willow get sidelined again?! C'mon, writers, you're better than this!

14. “Agony of a Witch”-This was a tense and emotionally painful episode that is only a taste of the kind of stuff we'll get in Season Two. There's nothing to complain about here. It's just too good.

13. “Hunting Palisman”-Hunter's kickstart to the path of redemption, paired with an episode that's more or less about Luz figuring out what she wants in life and confronting the fact that she doesn't think stuff through. It's a great character study about our protagonist and our favorite bad yet sad boy that may or may not have sparked an AU of mine. I can't help but have a warm spot for it.

12. “Echoes of the Past”-An episode that finally gives King some depth, making him more than just a comedic sidekick in everyone else's adventures while giving him a real purpose in life. I always felt like King was directionless in Season One as his whole "becoming a tyrant" never felt like nothing more than a child playing make-believe to me, so I'm grateful "Echoes of the Past" gave him a path to get started on. Even if said path took him to darker places.

11. “Eda’s Requiem”-This episode not only introduces a fan favorite with Raine but also provides some character depth to Eda as she struggles to hang onto the past rather than ignore her problems with the present. Eda goes out of her way to keep her kids with her forever and possibly rekindle an old flame, only for life to provide both good and bad surprises that allow Eda a chance to accept what life throws at her instead of letting things be the same. Such a great episode that's only shy of making the top ten because others are better than it.

10. “Elsewhere and Elsewhen”-Here, we get a celebration of Lilith's character growth in how much fun and respect she shares for Luz, set up to a major reveal that most of us had already seen coming, and a phenomenally performed and even better-written scene between Eda and her father. Initially, I felt that Eda talking with her dad should have been something for its own episode rather than being the subplot of another, but with how great it is, who am I to really complain? Especially with how great everything else is.

9. “Yesterday’s Lie”-A Luz solo adventure (which is already winning some points on that concept alone) that introduces fan-favorite #3, Vee, and proves, even more, why Camila is a great mom. The woman saw a scared child and took her in, and cried her heart out because her daughter has been in a strange, unfamiliar environment that is far from Camila's protection. If your takeaway from this episode is that Camila's an awful mom despite all the evidence proving otherwise...you're beyond help.

8. “Reaching Out”-The episode that finally shows us the pain that Luz is keeping deep inside herself and how she's willing to find ways to find distractions rather than deal with the pain she feels in her heart. We also get some great insights from the rest of the Blight family (primarily Edric, Amity, and even Alador). And while that's all good, I wouldn't go so far as to say that they don't steal away from what Luz is going through, as she still has her own time to mourn and decompress.

7. “Hollow Mind”-Easily the darkest episode in the show, giving us a glimpse inside the mind of a madman and witnessing the many crimes and murders he committed before rising to power. What's even better is that we are, not once, supposed to feel sympathetic toward Belos but instead feel fear towards what he's done and what he plans to do. And it would be the best episode if not for the fact that literally every episode after just gets better and better.

6. “Edge of the World”-This one (mostly) brings King's arc to a close, giving him the answers he's been searching for but in a way that shocked most and left others afraid, given the current environment that he is in.

5. “Labyrinth Runners”-This one proves that the rest of the characters can stand out on their own without our main trio, each of them getting so much development and proving how powerful they can be.

4. “O’ Titan, Where Art Thou?”-This one allows King the time he needs to cope with new surprises while upping the intensity and drama as Luz and Eda literally fight over whether they can defeat Belos.

3. “Clouds on the Horizon”-This one, despite partially setting up the big finale, still stands out on its own as an episode that brings Amity's arc regarding her family to a close, all in a way that's...satisfying, depending on how you perceived Alador. Still, I'll be damned if I ranked the episode with Lumity's first kiss any lower.

2. King’s Tide-And this one...was an intense finale that allowed every character to contribute in their own way, all while ending on a cliffhanger that left me with no idea how things would get resolved. Amphibia's "True Colors" at least left me with some clue, but with "King's Tide," I've got nothing, and I am both excited and scared to find out what happens next. And this would have been the best episode...but...

1. “Knock, Knock, Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door”-Let me explain (and I will have to break my rule for this): To me, the best episode for a show isn't one that has higher stakes or more hurtful emotions. Instead, the best episode is the one that features everything that's to love about the series. And that really is "Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Hooty's Door." It has hilarious jokes, fantastic character insights, some real dark s**t, compelling drama, and some of the best LBGTQA+ representation, all through an adorable romance between two girls. And it accomplishes all of this while being an episode about Hooty. Hooty! The character we all wrote off as the comedy relief and nothing more manages to be the same character that gave us everything we could have ever wanted. If that doesn't prove how amazing The Owl House is and how "Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Hooty's Door" is the best episode...I don't know what will. It's great, you all know it's great. Why bother debating on it?

And you might have noticed that it doesn't take long until I start singing an episode's praises more than I talk about what went south with it. That's because, as I've said, The Owl House doesn't really have bad episodes. Even as I made this list and saw where some episodes were ranked, I found myself thinking, "That's not fair. This episode should be that bad." And it's not about how one episode is good or even about how one was bad, but because some episodes are better than others. "Wing it Like Witches" isn't a poor episode because it's #27. It's there because it couldn't measure up with what's above it. And is that really something to complain about?

If The Owl House is still passable at its worst, then that tells me what I already know: We have nothing to worry about when it comes to Season Three. The writers might have less time, but they're competent enough to at least make something that’s a hoot in a half.

#the owl house #luz noceda #king clawthorne #eda clawthorne #amity blight #willow park #gus porter #toh hunter #the golden guard #lilith clawthorne #toh vee #camila noceda #the owl house reviews #what i thought about

[confused-stars]

you know what i want to see? i want to see class 1a shenanigans with an ouija board accidentally picking up ghostboro. They chat with him via ouija board for like a week before Aizawa gets wind of what they're doing and everything goes into chaos

It happens to Tokoyami and Shinsou first, because of course it does. Who else would be sitting in a dark, candle-lit room in the dead of night with a ouija board set up between them?

Who else would even own a ouija board but Tokoyami? It's a fancy one, too. Heavy wood and English letters burned into it, grooves painted gold. Tokoyami claimed that it was a failure the few times he's tried, but Shinsou insists that doing it with more than one person would be more likely to have results. Besides, they're both tired but can't sleep, and Dark Shadow is hyping them up.

So they end up sitting cross-legged on the carpet in Tokoyami's room, lights flickering, and they place their hands on the planchette.

"Uh... hi?" Hitoshi tries, feeling a bit dumb speaking into the air like that.

There's no response.

Tokoyami gives him an encouraging nod.

"Hey, if there's anyone here, we'd love to... have a chat?" Hitoshi feels dumber with every word. He shifts.

They sit in silence for a few moments. Tokoyami sighs, and Dark Shadow looks dejected.

Then, their hands are jerked so violently across the board that Hitoshi loses grip with one hand. He stares at the letters the ghost (?) chooses with wide eyes.

'N-I-C-E H-O-O-D-I-E'

Hitoshi is pretty sure he's dreaming or something. This is absurd.

Tokoyami's only wearing a t-shirt, so it's obvious who the ghost addressed.

"I... thanks?" Hitoshi tugs at his hoodie. It's purple and has a cat poking out of the front pocket. Cat ears adorn the hood - Midoriya and Ashido both delight in pulling it over Hitoshi's head just to coo at how adorable it is.

"Do you like cats?" Wow. He's talking to a dead person and this is what he asks. Nice going, Hitoshi.

The planchette all but flies to the 'YES' option, moving away and then coming back to it a couple times in what seems to be a sign of strong agreement or enthusiasm. Hitoshi stifles a laugh.

__

The ghost’s name is ‘Kumo’ and he uses he/him pronouns, and he is - was? - seventeen years old. He tells them that he used to be a student here, and that he’s been haunting the school for a few years now. Both boys agree that it would be a bad idea to ask him about the circumstances of his death, because that seems insensitive.

They end up just... chatting a little. About cats and heroes, and Kumo tries to give them some well-meaning fighting tips, but it’s hard for him to say anything lengthy with having to spell it all out. Tokoyami offers that he’ll look into easier means of communicating with ghosts, and Kumo seems immensely grateful.

It has to be lonely, on the other side, Hitoshi thinks. There can’t be that many ghosts haunting UA, after all.

__

The next one they involve is Midoriya, because he approaches Hitoshi about how glad he is he’s making friends in the class, and asks him about what hanging out with Tokoyami is like. Before he can stop himself, Hitoshi has already pulled him into this mess. And it’s good he did, because Midoriya is incredibly clever, and they spend hours in Tokoyami’s room - the darkness of it still seems the most appropriate for this - with a whole stack of fresh notebooks, and their resident ghost patiently answering any question they ask him. Well, most of them anyway. When Midoriya does bring up how he died, he just gives them a ‘NO’ and nothing else. Hitoshi glares at Midoriya, who mumbles an apology and moves on to another question.

__

Since the last time the class thought the dorms were haunted went less than ideal, apparently, they decide to take telling others about Kumo slow. Hitoshi isn’t sure how he feels about not telling Aizawa-sensei yet, but... well, Kumo is harmless. He’s just so happy to be finally able to talk to someone. What if the teachers decide to somehow get rid of him? Will he be all alone, then? Can ghosts even be chased away? With... an exorcism or something? When Hitoshi carefully asks, Tokoyami snorts and says something it ‘depending on the spirit in question.’ That obviously creates more questions than answers, but Hitoshi has learned to accept that. They tell Shoji, who demands proof, but is on board surprisingly quickly once they give it to him. Midoriya pulls Todoroki into this, and somehow gets Hitoshi to make another friend in the process - they’re both content sitting quietly aside while they let the others whirl around and talk a mile a minute. Well, mostly Midoriya. Uraraka, too, when she learns their secret. And then a very skeptical Iida. And then Kaminari, who is terrified at first, but who actually gets along swimmingly with Kumo. Really, before Hitoshi can blink, the entire class knows, and they’re now in possession of four separate ouija boards so that people don’t have to keep bothering Tokoyami to use his. There’s also a large poster made of several pieces of paper taped together that they’ve been writing different kanji and whole common words on so that Kumo might be able to communicate quicker.

That’s what the majority of the ‘Bakusquad’ are doing when Aizawa-sensei comes in, about a week after they made first contact.

“... do I want to know?” he asks, looking to Hitoshi who is perched on one of the couches with a fresh mug of coffee and has totally not been trying to give the others advice on how to structure the whole thing.

Hitoshi opens his mouth, then closes it again. Guilt makes his throat tighten a bit, and apparently that’s obvious enough that Aizawa-sensei squints at him. “Alright. What are you doing?”

There’s a moment of silence, and then Kaminari pipes up from where he’s kneeling in the middle of the poster. “We wanted to see if people that Shinsou controls can still put together words if he tells them to! You know, since they can’t write properly and stuff.” That’s... not terrible, as far as lies go.

But this is Eraserhead, and it’s not working. Their teacher walks over to inspect the poster, brows drawn together. Hitoshi holds out his coffee, and Aizawa-sensei takes the mug without looking. “Not a bad attempt, but if you lie to me again, you’re getting detention,” he says, voice still mild enough that he doesn’t sound completely terrifying. Kaminari still looks like a deer in the headlights.

“... there’s a ghost,” Hitoshi says, earning him a disappointed look from Ashido, but a relieved one from Kirishima. Bakugou, who refused to participate but still hung around for some reason, scoffs.

“There’s... a ghost,” Aizawa-sensei repeats flatly. Hitoshi meets his eyes with a helpless shrug.

“It’s not like last time!” Ashido says quickly, “Really! We have proof. He’s been talking to us.”

Now their teacher looks a little alarmed. “... some invisible stranger’s been talking to you? And you didn’t think to tell me?”

Ah, that’s what Hitoshi was worried about.

“But if he was just invisible, the cameras would’ve picked it up, right?” Kirishima asks, “They pick up on Hagakure. If Kumo was a living person, he would’ve been noticed.”

Aizawa-sensei blinks. His face betrays nothing, but Hitoshi knows him well enough to know something Kirishima said threw him off by a mile. “... what’s his name?”

Oh. If there was a dead student, he would know about that, wouldn’t he? Maybe Kumo was one of his? Hitoshi starts to speak, but then the lights flicker. They look to Kaminari instinctively, but he’s nowhere near any power outlet, and he’s not sparking, either. Then, the big, red marker Kirishima had been holding drops from his hand to the paper. They all watch, enraptured, as the marker slowly starts to move upright and glide across the paper.

‘Hi, Shouta,’ Kumo writes, ‘Don’t be mad at them, they were going to tell you eventually soon.’

Aizawa-sensei brings a hand up to clutch at his capture weapon. His eyes are a little too wide. “Prove it,” he says, and he’s clearly trying to keep his voice even, “Prove you’re the person you say you are.”

They all look from their teacher to the writing and back. Kumo’s never been able to hold onto any random object for this long. It must be taking a lot of effort. Or... a lot of emotion? Isn’t that how it works, for ghosts? ‘In front of the kids?’ Kumo asks, and something about it sounds a little cheeky, enough that Hitoshi nearly snorts.

Aizawa-sensei doesn’t find it funny. “Shirakumo.”

‘Fine.’ The marker pauses for a long moment. ‘We had our first kiss outside the arcade. We’d forced you to eat too much candy and you were nauseous, and I felt terrible about it so I kissed you to make you feel better. You still threw up afterwards.’

Oh. Oh, well. That’s... Hitoshi suddenly wants to look anywhere but at his mentor.

Aizawa-sensei makes an odd choking sort of noise, and when Hitoshi looks back up, he’s already halfway out the door. “Nobody move,” he instructs them without looking back, “I’m getting Mic.”

#ghostboro au #this was fun!!! #i like ghost stuff

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

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We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

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My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

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I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

.

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

.

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

#hypermobile #hypermobility #hypermobility anon #hsd anon #hsd #hypermobility spectrum disorder #pain #physical therapy #pt #vitamins #exhaustion #allergies #money #chronic pain #chronic illness #Ehlers-Danlos syndrome #zebra #mom #sibling #masking #director #classmate #chronic disorder #sleep patterns #adhd #exercises #covid mention #covid vaccine #accommodations #triggers

[canvas-the-florist]

Sleepover

Pairing: DLAMP

Warning: Sympathetic Deceit, Death threat??

Word Count: 2283

Everyone warned Logan that these four were dangerous. All their actions were random and they always knew what to say. It was too risky to go up to them. He was originally going to heed to that advice but it became harder and harder to follow. To say he was being stalked by them was a bit extreme, but Logan started to see them almost everywhere he went. Turns out Virgil likes going to the Starbucks he works at, Patton lives in the same apartment complex, Roman sits next to him in most of his classes, and Dimitri works at the only library in their city. It was driving him mad. He didn’t want to mixed with the wrong sort, but everywhere he went they’d be there.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Logan looked up and saw Roman giving him a concerned look. He nodded. Of course, he was okay, people were just… getting in his head. Oh, of course, Roman was the one to ask how he was doing. Logan looked up, he was in class. But, he never spaced out opportunities to learn. Getting tired of this, he rubbed his eyes, repositioned his glasses, and quickly wrote down the notes on the board. He had been so focused on ignoring them, they were all they could think about. Maybe Roman wasn’t so self-centered as people had said…

After his class, he drove to his job and got ready to deal with customers. Soon enough, he saw Virgil walk into the coffee shop. Of course. Logan wasn’t quite sure that he wanted to deal with this today, but he had to. As Virgil was fumbling over the amount he had to get, Logan hoped there wouldn’t be small talk. But then again, from what he gathered, Virgil was quieter than the others and just liked getting social things over with.

“Have a nice day,” Logan called out after handing Virgil his change.

“Uhh,” Virgil took a second to look at Logan’s name tag, then recognized exactly who it was. “Oh! You too, Logan…” It was obvious that he wanted to say more but was much too anxious. So, he walked away.

Well, that wasn’t so bad… It was becoming clearer that these four weren’t as bad as he’d been told. Logan decided to head to the library and return some books he picked up about space. Well, they had been interesting, he wasn’t sure whether or not Dimitri was working that day. He told himself he didn’t want to see him, Logan was secretly hoping they could intertwine paths. It was a stupid idea to go to the library when he still had a week until the books were overdue but he went anyways.

“Hello lovely, returning some books today?”

Oh, right. There was Dimitri. Logan just handed the books to him and attempted to walk off. But, it seemed that Dimitri was much bolder than Virgil. “You’re the kid Roman mentioned to me, right? He seemed to leave out that you actually go outside from time to time.”

“It would-” Logan pushed up his glasses, catching Dimitri rolling his eyes. “It would be unwise to remain indoors, that is incredibly harrowing for one’s health.”

“The way you talk is totally not ridiculous, bbbut, you have a point I suppose.” Dimitri gave a smirk that attempted to be called a smile. “It would be harrowing if you held up the line any longer. I hope to see you soon, love.”

Logan blinked back in surprise and decided to go home. Why were the four deciding NOW to talk to him? Was it because he had made a conscious decision to avoid them? Apparently so. His drive home was uneventful until he saw the people in the parking lot of the complex. “Oh, this is unfortunate.” He saw Patton greeting Roman, Virgil, and Dimitri out of a car… This wasn’t going to be pleasant.

He quickly turned off his car and rushed to his apartment with his keys already in hand. But, it was frivolous as Logan heard his name being called. This time, from Patton. He had always been kind to Logan, but the rumors surrounding them scared him. Apparently, they’ve threatened to murder a kid, set a bathroom on fire, and scare even the teachers. But, Patton and the others ran up to him.

“Hello, Logan!” Patton called with a smile across his face. “Would you like to hang out at my place with us? We ordered pizza and we’re going to play Apples to Apples!”

“Ughh, I thought we decided on Candyland?” Roman complained. “You have to admit that game is a gift from the gods!”

“But Cards Against Humanity would be so much funnier,” Virgil added.

“Couldn’t we do Trail to Oregon? It is the EASIEST, after all.” Dimitri questioned, with a smirk appearing on his face as the others disagreed with him.

Logan couldn’t hold back a slight smile on his face. Whatever relationship these four had, it seemed wonderful. He almost wished to be a part of it. So, without overthinking for once, he decided to join them. It turned out they were playing all the games suggested. Patton seemed to enjoy all of them equally, while the others play-fought in the background.

Why did this group seem so perfect despite being called the spawn of Satan? Logan really wanted to ask. But, should he? He was sitting on the floor of Patton’s living room, holding the greasiest pizza he’d ever eaten, pondering quietly to himself. Virgil noticed something was off and scooted next to him.

“Are you okay dude? Sorry, Patton pushed you into this. He just likes everyone.” Virgil gave a small laugh and got up. “You wanna soda? We have Dr. Pepper anddddd Fanta, ew.”

“I’m satisfied without one.” Logan declined.

“Sooooo, you’re getting a Dr. Pepper.” Roman grabbed one and threw it at Logan. “There aren’t any acceptions if you do a game night with us.” He caught the drink with his left hand, causing Patton to give mini applause.

Dimitri walked out of the bathroom. “Roman, dear, I prepared the chair so we can do makeup.” Roman gave a happy little squeal and ran up to him. They shared a quick hug. “I know, I’m simply the worst for thinking of this. Would you like to have your makeup done, Logan?”

“You don’t have to.” Virgil inserted with a small smile.

“Virgil’s right kiddo, but you would look so pretty with makeup on. I mean, you’re already pretty, but you would ALSO look good with makeup.” Patton added, slightly stumbling over his words.

Logan felt inclined to say yes almost immediately, regardless of the fact he had never worn makeup before. That would change tonight. So he agreed and they all moved to the bathroom. Even Virgil put on some makeup, which according to Roman, was a rare occasion. It was much more enjoyable to have someone put eyeshadow and eyeliner on you than Logan had originally thought it was going to be. Of course, Dimitri and Roman were the only ones that could actually accomplish the art of makeup.

After it was finished, Logan peered at a mirror in confusion. He looked rather good for once. It was a change he wasn’t sure he was used to. Then he looked at Dimitri trying to stop Patton from fidgeting so he could work and saw Roman trying to calm down Virgil when he accidentally moved and ruined the makeup. It seemed chaotic but perfect. Logan hoped he could be a part of it one day.

“Logan! Please hold down Patton. He insists to be unmanageable.” Dimitri cried, holding back his products from reach.

“I’m sorry, Dee, it’s just been a long time since someone else has wanted to hang out with us!” Patton explained, grabbing hold of Logan’s arms. Logan didn’t pull back but felt incredibly awkward. Has it really been such a worry to Patton that’d he wouldn’t gain any friends? It made him guilty for avoiding them for so long. “Logan, thanks for joining us!”

“Yeah, it’s… okay…” Logan found himself losing words. “However, I have obtained a question?”

“What question would that be?” Roman asked, reapplying Virgil’s eyeliner.

“Why does everyone seem to be fearful of you four? You all seem rather… delightful.” Logan was rather hesitant to ask but went straight to the point. It was counterproductive to sugar coat it, and he never really was good at wording things in a way to seem less offensive. “I apologize if that seems insensitive, I feel inclined to know why people would say such hateful lies.”

“Well…” Patton trails off. “They aren't exactly lying? Some of them are, yes, but not the fire thing and that one death threat.”

“To put it simply, it was Roman’s fault.” Virgil deadpanned, causing a gasp from who he was talking about.

“I didn’t mean to leave the curling iron near the sink, okay?!”

“I also don’t believe it was his fault when he beat up my ex and Patton threatened to kill him if he ever talked to me again,” Dimitri commented. Logan couldn’t believe his ears, but then again, what was he even expecting them to say? Of course, there were logical explanations to the rumors. “Let’s not forget that Virgil was the one to figure out where my ex even was to start this assault thing anyways…”

“I… apologize for making assumptions.” Logan stutters, and Patton gives him a reassuring smile. He seemed way too kind to give someone a death threat, but he knew he shouldn’t underestimate any of these people.

“Oh, that’s fine. At least you asked about it instead of silently holding grudges against us…” Roman smiled like he was remembered something unpleasant and covering it up. He then jumped off the counter and kissed Virgil’s hand. “I finished, you look lovely.”

Virgil gave a laugh. Dimitri spent a few more minutes on Patton’s makeup while Roman did his own. Once Dimitri was finished, Logan helped Patton up. He didn’t even realize how long he spent holding his hands. Usually, he hated physical contact but felt strangely calm here. Dimitri had decided he didn’t want to have his makeup that night. So by request from Roman, they all agreed to sit down and watch The Lion King. All of them ended up entangling together. Logan was being held by Roman, holding Virgil’s hand, Patton was leaning on him, and Dimitri was on top of Logan and Roman.

Patton was the first to fall asleep, then Roman, next Dimitri, and Logan and Virgil talked a little bit before both passing out due to exhaustion.

In the morning, Logan had received more hugs than he could count. And he actually enjoyed getting affection from them. It was sort of plan leaving back to his apartment next door. He left the sleepover with the numbers of the four and promises to hang out more. It seemed boring without Roman or Patton screeching in the background of calm conversations with Dimitri and Virgil. Logan happened to be the last to leave too. He helped Patton pick up the room quietly.

“I send my gratitude to you for inviting me for this… sleepover.”

Patton laughed lightly. “Of course, they all seemed to like you. I hope you’ll come to next week’s?” Logan blinked a bit and pushed up his glasses.

“This sort of thing is a weekly occurrence?” Logan asked. “And you are asking me to partake in this event that seems rather meaningful to you?”

“Yes, kiddo. Roman even told me he’d like to do your makeup again. Dimitri even liked hanging out with you, and that surely must mean something! And Virgil always seems to stay up during these and he actually got some sleep. It would be an honor to have you come over again!”

And with that, Logan started hanging out with the four he was told to avoid. They really were a lovely group of people. And Logan felt grateful to be a part of it. Truly wonderful. After a few weeks of attending the sleepovers, he was approached by all four of them at once. They all seemed to have one specific thing on their minds.

Logan felt himself fill with fear. This was it, they probably didn’t like him anymore. Of course, this didn’t sound logical, but he was still afraid. Would they tell him to stop talking to them? Or go back to being alone all of the time and have to stop asking Dimitri or Roman for makeup tips?

“Hey Logan, we have a question for you!” Roman said like he could hardly contain his excitement.

“Don’t worry, there it isn’t anything bad,” Virgil reassured, causing Logan to breathe a little bit. At least it wouldn’t ruin this group for him.

“So, you may know that we’re a polyamorous relationship and we wanted to ask…” Patton looked at Dimitri to finish the question, causing him to roll his eyes and gain a smirk.

“Would you like to be apart of the relationship? You would be dating all of us if you agree, and since we’re such lovely people.” Dimitri finished. “You can continue going to the sleepovers if you say no too, that’s still allowed.”

“I…” Logan paused to think. He did like all of them quite a bit and he couldn’t think of any reason to say no at the top of his head. “I would love to.” Patton decided this was a good time to scream ‘group hug’ and they all piled on top of each other.

Logan smiled a little as he listened to the laughs of the others. This was perfect.

#ts Sander Sides DLAMP

[dothewrite]

how did they all meet? same class? book club? satanic cult? elaborate bruh

this is waaaay too elaborate. no take backs! and pardon the occasional french. but im guessing you guys know i’m pretty liberal with profanity by now anyway.

Kazuo - You

He got to know you first when you uh, punched his face in. Not kidding. It was when you both first started middle school in the same class, after he’d just moved into the neighbourhood (and you know middle school, it’s a cesspool of children who basically live on top of each other in confined rooms for extended periods of time), and he had said something after school that offended you. It was most likely something insensitive, as always. And by the time you guys reached the local park on your way home, you had enough, and literally smashed his nose in. He had to get it sort of, readjusted in hospital, and his mom was extremely cross with you for a while.

Obviously you didn’t give a flying fuck whether his mom was mad or not. You still, to this day, believe he deserved that punch. Kazuo admits it too, saying that firstly, the readjustment actually made his nose look nicer, and secondly, it made him a better person afterwards.

He also started exercising a little after that. You hit way too hard.

Kazuo - Miho/Itsuki

They’re the newest friendship addition to the group, knowing each other the latest. Kazuo first met them after having shared the same class with you all through middle school, and on the first day of high school, things were jumbled up, and Miho and Itsuki were thrown into the fray.

Miho was Kazuo’s seat partner, right next to each other, so they started their friendship there, especially since you knew them both too. Kazuo’s very intelligent, but he still can’t beat Miho when it comes to Math grades, so he asks her for tutoring (he says tutoring, but why would any student actually want to learn beyond their syllabus escapes me) and they’ve actually bonded over mind numbing algorithms and advanced calculus.

Itsuki mostly spent his time around Miho, since he’s closest with her, and over long periods of sharing lunches and being persuaded to skip classes and hang out in odd places, Kazuo slowly began to appreciate what kind of friend Itsuki was. Miho occasionally complains that Itsuki’s displaced her role as Kazuo’s favourite with shopping bribes.

(It’s not true. His favourite is you. He just won’t admit it.)

Itsuki - You

Out of everyone, you’ve actually known Itsuki for the longest! Although the both of you didn’t really start of with much interaction, you lived rather near each other, and both your mothers were working moms, so they would put you in the same nursery. And nobody remembers who they met in nursery.

But, since early education is usually split by locale, you’ve shared the same kindergarten and everything. Never really talked, even though you knew each other by name, and it wasn’t until Itsuki had quit the baseball team (surprise, surprise) to make a statement during the last year of middle school that you’ve really bothered with him. He was always in a different class from you, but he was simply too famous (slash popular) at school with almost everybody that it was impossible not to hear or know about him. It gave you a rather pleasant surprise, because for a long time you’d always thought him as a fickle person, but seeing him actually quit something with the risk of making enemies for some argument changed your mind about his laissez-faire attitude.

Although you never really talked much still after that, there was the occasional conversation about random things, when you’d bump into each other. It was only until high school and all four of you ended up in the same class that you actually began to make friends with him. He’d mellowed out a lot by then.

Miho - You

Miho’s definitely a new friend. Okay, relatively new, since the start of high school, since you’re almost graduating it soon, so it’s been a decent few years. You mostly heard about her by word since on the first day everyone’s trying to figure out who’s who, and Miho was famous for being in the tennis club at a further away all-girls middle school and almost making it into the finals. Not to mention, she became Kazuo’s seat-pal, so every time you’d go over to chat or ask him something or even lunch, she’d be there.

Usually you’re not the type to really stir up the pot past pleasantries, Miho was almost always alone. She had her friendly-friends, but they were only really good for shopping, or asking if she knew any boys, or how was middle school like, etc. Very few people asked her if she’d like to join them for lunch, since they all had their own gang. So, one afternoon, you just nudged Kazuo in the ribs and he, laboriously, asked if she’d like to sit with you both during lunch. And so, it all began.

You’ve never made a friend that fast, either. Perhaps it was because you understood what it was like to be cast out, it was easy to share your pricklier aspects with each other.

Miho - Itsuki

Technically the ones who knew each other the longest since their mothers were good friends before their birth, they seemed to have acquired selective amnesia regarding each other after leaving kindergarten. Miho attended somewhere different, and Itsuki started developing his own group. So, they never really overlapped anymore. Previously, they would spend a lot of time at each others houses whilst their mothers chatted over tea, and were nannied by the same person whilst, again, their mothers went out to their friday night dessert classes. They sort of grew up together, without really knowing it.

They say it’s the growth spurt, but really neither of them are sure as to why they just cannot recognize each other when they met for the first time during late middle school. I think they found the same tutor for high school exams (their mother shared, again) and somehow that brought them back together again.

But although Miho is more protective of either Kazuo or you, Itsuki will more often figure out her emotions faster than any of you, and will be the first person to ask her what’s wrong. Not that he deals with it the best, but he’s the first to notice.

All in all, it’s a pretty spread out and weird set of circumstances that everyone came to know each other, but the real catalyst of their fast friend group is really their first day of high school, in the same class.

#i do the speak #original character #miho #kazuo #itsuki #headcanon #i writes original stuff

[aboysbestfriendishismum]

Chapter 43 - Exes, camp fires and big mouths (Part Two)

In the previous chapter: Eddie, Jeff and Laura go to the Rock Candy club to meet the others. Once they get there, Eddie mistakes Angie’s dad for the typical adult man hitting on young girls, making a fool of himself. Ray immediately forgives him though, he senses Eddie likes his daughter and has simpathy for him. Ray gets on well with Stone too and the two of them make fun of Angie. Ray reveals his daughter’s real name is Angelina, which is her grandma’s name. Eddie tries to tell Angie about his feelings during the concert, but she thinks he’s just trying to tell her she’s only a good friend for him and she’s afraid Eddie has somehow figured out her recent little fixation on him. Somebody pours a drink over Mike McCready’s head.

***

“Hey! What the fu-” the wimp brazenly stands up, as if he’s ready to kill the person who’s just watered him. Sit back, honey, you’re not scarying anyone. Anyway, he comes off his high horse as soon as he sees his girlfriend standing right in front of him.

“Good evening you piece of shit” I’ve never seen Mel so mad. No, I’ve never seen her mad at anyone in general before I inadvertently told her about Mike’s little forgetfulness. I accidentally unleashed a fury and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

“Melanie! What… what are you doing here? You didn’t call back and I thought you weren’t coming…” his girlfriend baptizes him with a drink and insults him and he doesn’t even ask for an explanation, he’s just surprised to see her. This relationship was meant to drown anyway, regardless my intervention.

“I didn’t call because I didn’t want to hear your stupid voice!”

“Uh. Ok. But you’re listening to it right now, so…” I don’t understand if he’s dumb or just playing it.

“Shut up, asshole”

“Hi guys, hi Eddie!” I chime in during a break in their not so pleasant conversation and take the opportunity to say hello, even though my waving hand fails at catching the attention of the people round the table, who are all focused on the quarrelling couple. Eddie gives me a half bad look, then goes back to listening what boyfriend and girlfriend say without answering to me. There’s a guy I’ve never seen before who’s sitting beside him. I guess we gotta put introductions off until later.

“Now what? Won’t you say anything?” Mel looks angrily at him.

“Well you told me to shut up”

“God, I hate you!”

“Wait, is there something wrong?” what?! Nooooo, what makes you think something’s going on?!

“Something wrong… he wants to know if something’s wrong!” the girl turns towards me to share her disbelief “Tell him what’s wrong!”

At this point the gang finally acknowledges my presence too, since everyone turns to look at me, waiting for answers. Their faces are different, but look the same in some particular aspects as I look at each one of them: perplexed, dropped jaw, confused stare, embarrassment. But it’s when I look at Meg that I realize my plan could as well fail: first of all, because she’s so fucking hot and so easily, she’s hot just by wearing a fucking plaid shirt that’s buttoned up to the neck and plain denim shorts, whereas I wandered from shop to shop all the afternoon to find the tightest leather pants ever invented, which I had to adapt my breathing process to, and a black tulle top made of a very small amount of fabric, and that small amount is totally see through, except for two invisible dark spots covering the nipples and not much more; not to mention the torture I had to endure from Melanie before going out, when she was doing my hair while ranting against that moron of her boyfriend and basically pulled out 75% of them. And all this for what? To get disgustingly catcalled by a couple of losers at the bar? Not to mention Eddie and his total incapability at giving any kind of gratification: wether you’re naked or have a parka on, it’s the same for him. Maybe that girl down there is right, in the end: just wear a fucking tracksuit and fuck off! No, well, that’s too much, I can’t. Honestly I don’t understand, how can you go out on a saturday night wearing a tracksuit? I’ve never worn a tracksuit, not even at the gym, I’ve never owned one and I’d never wear anything like that even if I was stuck at home, I can’t think of a more mortifying piece of clothing. Ok, it’s Angie so hiding is surely much better than showing, but this… this means not having a single ounce of love for yourself. And it’s always the same tracksuit, I hope she washes it once in a while…

The second reason why I’m afraid the plan’s gonna fail is Meg’s presence itself: I mean, blondie won’t necessarily throw her arms around the loser guitarist after all the fuzz, she could as well take it bad. I’d better not risk.

“Well, uhm, I don’t want to intrude, it’s about you… it’s private… what about you go and talk it over somewhe-” I put my hand on her shoulder and gently motion for her to leave with that poor excuse for a boyfriend, but she doesn’t give a fuck about me, she just dodges me and goes back talking to him.

“The problem is your an insensitive jerk and that you’ve been making fun of me for months, laughing at me behind my back with your friends” Mel barks out her anger against the whole table, heavy silence follows, then everybody starts to clamor.

“But no, why?” Laura murmurs, almost afraid to talk too loud.

“Who made fun of you?” Jeff echoes.

“Why should we laugh at you?” Angie adds.

“I’ve never laughed at you, I like you” Chris wants to be part of it.

“I’ve never laughed, in general, never laughed in my life, I don’t know how to do it” Stone must tell his fucking jokes in moments like this too.

“I’ve never laughed at you, I’ve never seen you before” the mysterious moustache man can’t shut up, he must be a friend of Stone’s.

The others are just stammering out random things as they shake their heads no looking confused, Meg included. Fortunately. I can’t imagine what’d happen if Meg opened her mouth right now. Oh well, I imagine it now: Mel would wipe her from the face of earth. The more I think about it the better it looks.

“What the fuck are you talking about, love? What did you smoke? And, most of all, did you bring some?” Mike apparently doesn’t know he’s close to the end of his life so he has the guts to joke.

“Now, how long have we been together, Mike? Huh? How long?” Mel takes a long breath and goes on, pretending not to hear neither the word love or McCready’s joke, not because she doesn’t want to offend him, but rather because she wants to get straight to the point and then insult him with a reason.

“Did he forget anniversary or something?” the guy I don’t know asks Eddie in a not so low voice, as the singer shrugs.

“Anniversary? They’ve been dating for a couple of months…” Laura soon explains, with a lower tone, but perfectly audible.

“A couple of months, exactly!” Mike replies pointing at Laura who suggested the answer “Why?”

“Ok, so two months of completely wasted time! But it’s my fault, I’m the idiot who thought you really cared”

“But… I care about you, you know!”

“Sure, you care so much you’re still fucking your ex in the meantime”

Now everybody, apart from the unknown guy, is staring at Meg, who seems to notice a little later.

“What? Why are you looking at me? She must be talking about another ex, I don’t-”

“No, darling, I’m talking right about you!”

“Haha what?! You must be joking, girl, you’re wrong” Meg scornfully retorts, sitting straight on the chair, while Mr X turns to ask Eddie something, he probably doesn’t know the gang’s dynamics and doesn’t know Meg and Mike used to be together.

“She’s right, Mel, look, there’s nothing going on anymore between me and Meg” the unfortunate confirms, still dripping with gin sour.

“Nothing anymore, huh? And before? What was going on before?”

“Before? Before what? I didn’t cheat on you with her, I swear to god” right now it’s not just the guys at the table, people around us in the club are getting hooked to the story too.

“But you were with her before getting with me, right?”

“Well, yeah, but… what does it mean? What is that? Retroactive jealousy?” Meg bites back at her in Mike’s place and she doesn’t know how dangerous it is to play with fire.

“Shut up, slut”

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?” Meg stands up and almost knocks over chair and table, it takes Jeff and Chris together to hold her back and have her sit down again.

“Mel, don’t you think you’re overreacting? You’re making a fucking mess for nothing, Meg’s just a friend, there’s nothing going on behind your back”

“So there’s nothing going on? Then, if you’ve got nothing to hide, why didn’t you tell me she used to be your girlfriend?” Mel’s clenching her fists against her hips, basically the same position taken by Meg a second later, when she stands up again shaking the table.

“WHAT?!” the blond girl shouts.

“Ehm… what do you mean? Didn’t I tell you? But you knew that… you knew that, right?”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know if nobody ever told me?! You didn’t tell me and none of these fuckers did” Mel points at the fuckers without taking her eyes away from Mike, the unknown long haired guy looks around snickering.

“I should have taken some popcorn at the bar” he says, Stone looks and nods at him while Angie reproaches both of them in a low voice.

“You’re saying you didn’t know?” Meg walks a few steps towards my friend and her attitude is more accommodating, at least with her, because the look she gives to Mike in the meantime is of pure hate.

Fuck.

“Sure I didn’t know, don’t play dumb”

“But the first time the three of us met at the Crocodile you said it was such a coincidence, or something like that…”

“The coincidence was that my boss and his sister knew the guy I was dating, that’s it! I didn’t know about the rest”

“Now I understand why you were behaving like that! I thought your being all friendly was an act. And the way you were always showing off the fact you were with Mike, I thought you were doing on purpose to get on my nerves!”

“Oh no, I had no fucking clue! I thought you were just one of his friends. And you act all friendly too anyway…” Mel seems to calm down a little, not letting down her guard though.

“I was just trying to grin and bear it! And I didn’t want you to think I was still interested in Mike or something”

“Uhm, I’m right here anyway” Mike feels left out in the conversation and doesn’t know he’d better thank god for this temporary distraction of the two girls.

“Unfortunately” “And who cares?” they answer at the same time.

“Baby, I don’t know what to say… I thought you knew, you work for her brother, I also went to the car salon with Meg a couple of times, when we were still together”

“I don’t remember ever seeing you together, maybe I wasn’t there! But you should have mentioned it anyway, once at least, even by chance”

“Together? Oh no, there must be a mistake, we’ve never been together, Mikey. Melanie, dear, I gotta put in a good word for the asshole here,” Meg starts her show and McCready can do nothing but sit back down and wait for the storm to pass “because he acted in good faith: he didn’t tell you I’m his ex because he doesn’t see me that way, because he never considered me as his girfriend, but only as someone to have fun with”

“Meg…” the poor guy tries to complain, but he’s between a rock and a hard place, and he’d better shut up.

“If you don’t believe me, ask Eddie. Eddie, what did Mike told you that night at the Off Ramp when you asked him about me? When you said ‘oh your girlfriend seems nice’? Come on, tell her!”

“Well actually… err… I don’t remember the exact words…” Eddie stutters as he’s carefully inspecting  his fingernails.

“I’ll tell you then: he told him I wasn’t his girlfriend, what the hell, I was just a random chick he was having fun with. Which is also the reason I told him to fuck off and dumped him”

“Really? What a jerk!” answers Melanie, who now seems to have put aside her rage against the girl, to give it all to Mike.

“Yeah… so don’t be surprised if he didn’t tell you about me, I mean, I’m surely not worth mentioning. He was probably ashamed, weren’t you Mike?”

“You know I wasn’t and you know it’s not like that, but anything I say by now it’s pointless, right?” the loser says the first smart thing of the night.

“Come on, guys, don’t act like that, it was just a misunderstanding. I mean, we never told Melanie either, but it was not on purpose, we thought you knew, everybody knows, right?” Cornell stands up and tries to calm the girls down, and his friends sitting at the table agree.

“Ok, but he’s my boyfriend and Meg is in his group of friends, friends he goes out with all the time. How would Susan take it if someone told her you keep seeing your ex? And most of all, if this someone wasn’t you?”

“I’ll answer that: I’d take it bad, very bad. But I’d hurt him worse, be sure about that” Susan feels she needs to step up into the conversation since she’s been mentioned and she answers with a just apparently reassuring smile, which has her boyfriend sit back up and shut his mouth.

“What an asshole… and all this time I couldn’t decide if you were crazy or just pretentious, considering how you were acting around me” Meg goes on folding her arms.

“I had no idea! Anyway… there was something actually, sometimes I sensed something, a weird attitude towards me, but I thought it was just the typical reaction to my exuberance… I’m sorry I upset you without knowing” Melanie officially formalizes the peace with Meg and I’m afraid these two will end up joining forces.

“Nah, don’t worry, it’s not your fault! I apologize for never mentioning the thing between me and Mike, honestly I didn’t want to pry into your private lives”

“Don’t even think about it, you’re not the one to blame” Meg gives another nasty look to her, what, boyfriend? Ex boyfriend? Ex boyfriend I think. And I’m ok with that. What I’m not ok with is that now he’s a super ex for Meg too, I mean, the girl must have crossed it out for good by now. And if Meg doesn’t get back with Mike she remains single and if she’s single, Eddie could decide to confess his feelings to her, most of all with no sense of guilt towards McCready. I’m in deep shit. And it’s all Mike McAsshole’s fault. Couldn’t he just dump her with a random excuse like everyone does?

“What about we go and drink it over, there’s no better way to make things right after a fight” Meg puts an arm around my friend’s shoulders and they both smile.

“Ok, I’m in. But I’m buying the drinks!”

“Don’t even think about that, it’s on me”

“Well, let’s just take turns buying rounds, period”

“You’re a genius”

“Thank you. And I warn you I don’t mean to go home sober tonight”

“Neither do I, don’t worry, we can share a cab afterwards”

“A cab? Aren’t you coming with me?” Angie timidly asks.

“Right. And don’t forget the bonfire party at Discovery Park” adds Jeff.

“Don’t worry Angie, I’ll see you at home. Anyway… nah, honestly I don’t feel like going to that party, it’s too cold outside. And I need a change… no offence but I’d rather not see any of your faces, at least for a while. Bye” Meg leaves with Melanie and gives me some hope right in the end. She’s just said she wants to change, right? See other people, other than her usual friends. So she doesn’t want to see Eddie either. I’m still in the game!

Silence reigns over the table and the curious people around us in the club go back minding their own business. Now we’re all hanging off Mike’s words, waiting for a comment, a reaction, something, anything.

“What the hell, Mikey?” Jeff is the first one to say something, since the guy won’t say a word.

“What do you want from me? I was sure she knew! I’m a nobody, but everybody knows Meg” McCready jabbers.

“I don’t think this is the right time to play the victim, Mike” says Kim, who didn’t say anything until now.

“No, sure, I’m no victim! I’m the guilty one! It’s all my fault, just mine, right Violet?” Mike is talking to his friends, then suddenly turns to face me.

“Me? I’ve got nothing to do with this” I look around pretending to be surprised.

“Happy now? Great plan!” he insists and if I don’t have him shut up immediately, this fucker will spit it all out.

“Plan? I don’t know what you’re talking about. And no offence, but what you do doesn’t remotely influence my happiness, I don’t care about you”

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure. Anyway if you wanted to make things work, you could as well come up with your plan”

“I guess I lack some parts of the plot” the stranger says as he looks at me and Mike.

“I guess we lack them too” Chris replies. If this jerk lets something out right when Bigmouth Cornell is around, whole Seattle will know by tomorrow morning. Joining forces with a loser won’t certainly do any good to my reputation.

“There’s no plot, I’ve just never liked Mike very much because of how he treated my friend and I’ve never hidden that from him”

“Oh yeah, sure you’re the frank one who always tells what she thinks, without stratagems or tricks…” McCready stands and walks up to the bar and only now takes a bunch of paper napkins to dry himself.

“What do you mean?” I ask yawning when he comes back near me.

“Oh nothing, I don’t need to tell you anything. Somebody will and if it happened tonight, I’d gladly stay here and enjoy the view of your face in that moment… if only I didn’t have this sudden urge to go and take a ride. Somewhere else. Bye guys! See you at the gallery. Maybe”

“Come on, Mikey, don’t be an asshole, where the fuck are you going?!” Jeff tries to call his friend back with his usual gentleman attitude.

“You fucked up badly, ok, but we love you anyway.” Stone says “And we need you in the band”

“And then, fucked up, I mean… it wasn’t that bad, just a little fuck up, not so serious” Chris shakes his head and giggles, until he doesn’t make eye contact with his girlfriend again.

“Jesus, I’m not quitting the band, I’m just disappearing for a while to ponder on this… little fuck up, ok? Bye” Mike turns around and leaves just like that, ignoring his friend’s complaints.

“Come on, let him go, let him chill out a little, everything will be alright in the end” the nameless guy adds and I can’t resist anymore. And, considering the hell that has just happened, I believe it’s my due to enlighten the atmoshpere.

“By the way, hi! Who are you? I’ve never seen you before” I stretch out my hand towards him, who gives me an obscure look.

“I’m Ray, nice to meet you” he takes his cigarette with the other hand and briefly shakes mine.

“He’s Angie’s dad!” Laura adds with a honestly unjustified enthusiasm.

“Oh really? Nice to meet you Mr Pacifico”

“Call me Ray, please”

“Ok, nice to meet you Ray, Angie’s such a sweet girl” I look at her as she smiles awkwardly and it’s true after all, she never bothered me or gave me problems, I mean, she even gave me useful information about Eddie. Anyway, that doesn’t mean I like her in any way. I find her boring and pathetic, the stereotype of the nerd loser who pretends to be cynical to be cool, and then? Here she is, the little girl going out and bringing her dad with her!

“I know, I know, and it’s all because of me of course! And you are…?”

“Oh right! Hehe that was rude of me. I’m Violet, Eddie’s girlfriend”

“WHAT?!” instead of his typical deep voice, Eddie produces a never heard before high pitched note.

“Nice ehm to meet you, Violet” Ray looks at Eddie, then at me, then Eddie again.

“it’s not true, why do you have to say that?” baby blues asks looking exasperated.

“Hahaha come on, don’t get mad at me, I was just kidding!”

“So is she his girlfriend or not?” Ray asks Stone, but I think Angie’s dad is getting old because what was meant to be said in a low voice is once again perfectly understandable.

“No, I’m not…” I answer in the same moment Stone shakes his head no “Yet”

Eddie must not have liked the word I added last minute, he stands up and it looks like he wants to leave too and everybody’s looking at him like they’re sure they’re about to attend another show. Eddie actually walks away, but as he does, without even looking at me, he grabs me by the arm and drags me away with him wherever he’s going to. I follow him without complaining of course.

Eddie stops right in front of the restrooms, then turns around and finally looks at me, his brow is furrowed though.

“I’d have chosen a nicer place to spend some time together, but…” I try and hug him, but I can’t.

“Violet, I thought I was clear the last time”

“The last time… right… When was the last time? We haven’t seen each other for ages” I pout.

“And there must be a reason for that, don’t you think?”

“Ah ah. Anyway, why are you keeping me away? I just wanted to console you, as a friend”

“Yeah sure”

“You’re alway so prejudiced against me…”

“And who knows why? Anyway, console me for what? I’m fine”

“For the thing about Meg. You can try and kid the others, but I know what’s really happening to you, I know you”

“Meg? What’s up with Meg?”

“I know what’s up with her and you do too. It’s a pity though, now that you could stand a chance with her, she doesn’t want to see anyone”

“You don’t know shit”

“Oh! You’re here… ehm, sorry, I just have to… you know... go…” an annoying voice interrupts us and it could only be the nerd’s.

“Hey, nice bag! Where did you get it? I want it too” I stop Angie as she’s walking towards the ladies room door.

“Thank you… well, it’s a present so I don’t really know”

“I wanna buy one for my little niece, I bought her one that was the shape of an ice cream cone, but she basically ate it. That little girl chews on everything with those four small teeth she’s got!”

“I can ask if you want. Now I, ehm, gotta go” Angie points at the restroom and quickly gets in.

“Why do you have to be like that?” Eddie asks and his looks is even nastier than before.

“Be what?”

“A bitch”

“Why? Umph, what did I do now?!” I puff and complain loudly.

“Your sister has a baby boy, you’ve got no nieces”

“Oh come on, it was just a joke”

“A stupid joke. You implied she’s a little girl”

“Jesus Christ, you’re so harsh, I was just kiddin’! Listen, I’m gonna apologize as soon as she gets out, ok?” I can see she’s a friend to him, but I didn’t think she was untouchable. I must be careful and avoid talking shit about her. It wasn’t that bad though, it was just a little innocent joke. I mean, if you go around with a camera-shaped bag you should expect it somehow, right?

“And you’re way off about Meg” Eddie changes the subject and he finally says something I’m interested in.

“Eddie, I’m not stupid, I figured out she’s the girl you’re into”

“Hahahahah you didn’t understand anything!” Eddie basically bursts out laughing at my face and his angry expression suddenly turns into an amused one. Typical hysterical reaction.

“Oh yeah, sure, it’s not her! It’s this infamous stranger I’ve never met!”

“Hehe ok, I told you a little lie: you met her and you know her, but it’s not Meg”

“Excuse me?” I think I didn’t hear right.

“It’s not Meg”

“No?” is he seriously telling me I made all this mess with Mel and Mike for no reason?

“No” he looks sincere.

Fuck.

“Who’s she then?” who’s the slut?

“Why should I tell you? So you can elaborate another plan against her too?” he says and he caught me.

“Plan? What plan? You don’t believe in Mike’s rant, do you?”

“But maybe if I told you, you’d just stop bothering me and accept it” he goes on, scratching on his chin, in a thinker pose.

“Yes, exactly! That’s why I wanna know, until I don’t know the truth, it’s difficult for me to turn the page, can’t you understand?” just say this fucking name.

“I don’t know…”

“Oh my god, is it… Laura?! Your best friend’s girlfriend!”

“Please, friends’ girlfriends are sacred!”

“It’s Grace then! Technically she’s not with Stone yet, so…”

“It’s not Grace. It’s a person who’s here tonight”

I instinctively look at the now far table of Eddie’s friends, the only girl left, apart from Laura, is Susan and it can’t be her, considering what he’s just said about friends’ girlfriends. Who the fuck is it? Unless…

“Wait, you said… a person… not a girl… shit, don’t tell me you’re gay?! Although that’d explain a lot…”

“Sure, since I don’t want you I must be gay… Violet, no, nothing bad about it, but I’m not gay. The person is actually a girl” he replies and at this point I extremely carefully examine the portion of the club that’s visible from the bathrooms.

“Who’s it then? The girl from the gallery? Is she here? I didn’t see her”

“It’s not her, it’s a girl you saw and talked to tonight” he insists and looks at me as if I was stupid but I don’t get it.

“Melanie?” shit, that’d be a hell of a plot twist!

“Holy shit, Violet, no! You really don’t get it? You’ve been here for a few minutes, you surely didn’t talk to hundreds of people since you got here!”

“The barmaid?” I ask after thinking it over for a while.

“NO!”

“Who is this girl then? Can’t you just tell me?!”

“IT’S ANGIE! ANGIE! I. LIKE. ANGIE.! YOU’RE PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON IN SEATTLE WHO DIDN’T NOTICE I HAVE A CRUSH ON HER!” he yells at my face, so loud that he almost messes up my hair, and I’m dumbfounded for a while.

“Angie?”

“Yes! Oh, I feel better now that I told you. Thinking about it, you’re the first person I tell this… it’s such a beautiful feeling” Eddie smiles satisfied and I’m still confused.

“But… Angie who?” I ask, still in the dark.

“What do you mean who? Angie! The one Angie you made fun of five minutes ago!” he retorts pointing at the bathroom and this finally turns the lights up in my brain.

“ANGIE?! THAT ANGIE?!” I growl just one second before that nerd comes out of the bathroom.

“Yes, so what?”

“Here I am… ehm, were you talking about me?” the fat bitch walks up to us and the moment I see them, one next to the other, it’s like someone turned off another button in my head. A very peculiar button, since I start laughing. But not in a normal way, if not at the beginning. At first it’s a quite whispered laugh, but it soon turns into a sequence of incoherent barks, punctuated by equally loud attempts at breathing.

“Is it alright?” she asks, looking at me first, then at her sweetheart, and this just makes me laugh even more coarsely, getting me weird looks from the people coming from and going to the bathroom.

“I’m afraid not” Eddie shrugs and I try to stop and keep it straight for a moment, panting as I try, but then Angie opens her mouth once more.

“Did you take drugs or something?” she asks and I explode again.

I shake my head and leave, walking towards the losers table, where I left my bag, still laughing. They stop whatever they were doing or talking about as soon as they see me (or hear me) and don’t take they’re eyes off me as I take my stuff back.

“Violet? Are you ok?” that innocent angel called Laura is the first one to talk.

I nod without stopping laughing and as I walk away I can hear what Stone and Ray say.

“But… is it always like this when you guys go out?”

“Nah, actually tonight’s kinda toned down, nothing happened really”

******************************************************************************************************************************************************

“So are we going to this fucking bonfire party or not?” the bass player has just nodded and winked at a girl with curly hair I always see at our shows, then he’s like “Betty and her friends are coming over for sure”

“Where do you wanna go with this wreck?” I answer pointing at Jerry, bent face down on the table, his arms shielding his head. He’s been like this for half an hour maybe.

“I’m not going anywhere” mumbles our friend from under his hair.

“Haha let me tell you, man, I’m sorry but you’re so unlucky, you’re such a loser!” Starr, who’s really got a natural talent for cheering people up, pats the guitarist on the back a couple of times and he just moves his hands around to wave him off, without looking up.

“Actually… with all the people at the Rock Candy… you had to run right into Angie’s dad!” Layne remarks and at least he seems to have a little pity for Cantrell.

I have pity too, I see nothing seems to go in the right direction for him lately, but he can’t even keep on indulging in pity party.

“I told you not to go, but you? Nah, you always do what you want without listening” I told him to come here to the Ok Hotel, but he preferred to go spying on Angie who’s going on with her life without him, something he can’t do instead. Or maybe it’s just that he doesn’t want to yet.

“When I stopped doing what I wanted and started listening, that’s when all my problems started” Jerry quickly looks up to snarl at me, then he flops on the table again.

I shake my head and focus on my drink, while Layne tries to cheer him up with better argumentation.

“Come on, it’s not that bad… I mean, you didn’t tell him you were talking about his daughter. And I don’t think Angie’ll ever tell him, why would she?”

“Yeah, sure, you don’t have to worry about it, he will never now!” Mike goes along.

“Do you think so?” the voice from the underworld asks.

“Angie didn’t tell her friends, do you really think she’d tell her dead?” I add to reassure him more.

“You’re right, I’ve got nothing to be afraid of” Jerry straightens up and takes his hair away from her face.

“Unless it’s Angie’s dad who tells her something, then you’d be fucked up for real” Starr has a lot of skills, but being able to understand when he should talk and when he’d better shut the fuck up is not one of them.

“Oh fuck” Jerry’s once again face down on the table and now he’s even punching it.

“Hey hi Mikey!” Layne says hello to someone behind my back and in a few seconds Mike McCready shows up, looking like someone who had better days. He then take a seat at our booth.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks pointing at what’s left of Cantrell.

“He thinks he made the shittiest figure of the century” Starr replies.

“I think?” whines Jerry.

“Seriously, I doubt her dad will tell her something: why should he tell her about the love problems of a guy who, as far as he knows, he’s just an acquaintance for her?” I try and put some order in this mess giving rational answers to Jerry’s irrational fears and it seems to work, since Jerry’s now sitting straight and looking at me.

“Right, why would he tell her?” he asks himself looking in the distance.

“Did you meet Angie’s dad?” Mike asks and Jerry reluctantly nods.

“Did you talk to Angie’s dad about you and Angie?” McCready asks again and I’m kind of surprised.

“You know that?” I ask and Jerry follows.

“How do you know?”

“Meg told me. When she still used to talk to me”

“Well, to me it looks like you buried the hatchet a long time ago, right?” Layne playfully chimes in.

“It was just dug up though: I fucked up badly” the guitarist says and the mood is dark once again. What’s happening tonight? This is turning into heartbroken club, what the hell!

“Did you tell Meg’s dad how many times you cheated on his daughter?” Starr asks sarcastically, earning a nasty look from Cantrell.

“No, much worse”

Now the Losers Anonymous meeting starts and Mike tells us about what happened at the Rock Candy with Meg and Mel. Meg and Mel, shit, he even chose two girls with a similar name.

“Well, but you took for granted that she knew, you didn’t lie, you just… forgot to tell part of the truth” Starr states, clearing his namesake friend from blame.

“But Mel asked me a lot of times about my exes and I told her, but I always avoided mentioning Meg… not because I wanted to hide it from her, but… I don’t know why, maybe because she’s someone I’m still hanging out with. Anyway I didn’t do it on purpose. And now she must think I did”

“Just tell her, explain it to her. I mean, not now, because she must be furious now, let her calm down a little then try to talk to her” it looks like I can’t undress the part of the psychologist of the group.

“Ok, but her who?” loser number two of the day says and I’m dumbfounded for a second.

“What do you mean?” Cantrell asks because he probably didn’t understand shit and I’m not surprised since he’s half drunk too.

“Who do I talk to? Who should I make things up with? Mel or Meg?”

“Uh! Well, you should know that” Layne flails his arms

“I don’t know though, I mean, sometimes I think I know what I want, but a minute later doubts are back”

“Guys, no offence, but it’s like the wailing wall here. I’m going to the bonfire party and I’d do the same if I were you” Starr stands up and snorts, with his usual tact.

“Meg said she wouldn’t go, but what if she changes her mind? And what if they’re both there? I can’t risk, I’m not going” Mike gives up.

“Is Angie going?” Jerry asks right away.

“I think so” says his bad luck buddy.

“Definitely not fucking going, sorry man”

“Ball and chain, that’s what you are! Well, come on, Sean, Layne, let’s go and leave these two crying over their usless lives alone”

“Uhmm I don’t know, I don’t really feel like going, I’ll just have one more beer then go home” Layne turns Starr down too, then goes to the bar.

“Ok, fuck you all then! What about you Sean, will you stand me up too?” Starr gives me a challenging look.

“Relax, man, I’m coming to that fucking party! But later, now it’s too early” I was honestly thinking about staying here just to make sure Jerry is safe, but since Layne’s not coming he’d take care of these two assholes.

“Anyway, it’s not about the cheating” Jerry comes out with this out of nowhere.

“What?”

“The problem’s not the cheating. I mean, also, but that’s not the worst thing I told him”

“The fuck are you talking about?” Starr asks as he lights up a cigarette.

“Angie’s father, what the hell do you think I’m talking about?!”

“How am I supposed to know? We were talking about the bonfire party then you say this totally random thing!” well, this time Starr’s right.

“And what’s the worst thing?” the other Mike, the sad one, asks.

“Fuck” in a second Jerry’s face to face with the table again and it takes us ages to pull him back up.

“Come on, Jerry, what did you tell him?” Layne is back with a beer for him and one for Mike and is suggesting to just spit it out.

“Please, what could you have said that is so bad!” I exclaim.

“Are you ashamed of your friends? Look, we’re already expecting the worst from you in general, no need to worry about shocking us” Starr manages to make Mike McCready laugh, Jerry’s still far from reaching that goal.

“I told him about… the sex”

“Sex? What sex?” Layne asks taken aback.

“Sex… between Angie and I”

“What? Are you crazy?!” Starr’s reaction is the most surprising one.

“You said you were expecting the worst!”

“Ok, but that’s ridiculous. Let’s forget it was Angie’s dad, 'cause you had no idea… but… fuck, you’re making small talk with a random stranger at a bar and you tell him about fucking your ex girlfriend?! That’s… sick!”

“I was mildly drunk! I was talking about her and thoughts just came… then he came out with the typical maybe you were fucking girls around because you weren’t getting enough from her and that’s when I started ranting…”

“Oh well, so you told him you were fucking with the girl who was your girlfriend, so what? Everybody fucks, I don’t think he was shocked or something” I shrug it off.

“So were you getting enough from her or not?” Starr asks and I never wanted to strangle him so much since I met him, and he gave me a lot of reasons from the very beginning of our friendship, when I wasn’t in the band yet and was dating his sister and he was always in the way, always following us around not to leave us alone.

“Mind your own fucking business!”

“Why? You tell strangers and not your best friends?” he retorts, pretending to be offended.

“Given the reaction, I think he did” McCready probably recovered a little because he found out someone’s doing way worse than him. And misery loves company, right?

“Yes, I did, I got enough, I got so much, we fucked every single day. And she was really good at it too! Are you happy now?”

“I’m not, I didn’t want to know really” Layne looks quite embarrassed.

“I am, for you, at least you got something from this senseless relationship”

“Mike, I swear to god, if you don’t stop I’ll punch your face so hard…” Jerry threatens our bass player.

“Hahaha come on, one can’t even joke now!”

“Joke with someone else”

“I don’t give a shit about how often you fucked Angie, but at least now I understand why you were with her”

“Shut up, Mike” I warn him and he snorts.

“Ok, sorry Jerry, didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, I apologize”

“Ok, I forgive you, just shut up now”

“Anyway Sean’s right, you didn’t tell him anything shocking, you had a ehm lively sex life with your girlfriend, so what? And again, this doesn’t sound like a subject he’d later discuss with his daughter” Layne intervenes trying to calm Jerry and to prevent any other joke by our not so empathetic bass player.

“Yes, you’re right, no need to worry”

“Yes”

“Nothing happened”

“Exactly”

“I mean, something happened, but the only witnesses of this shitty figure of mine are him and I and he’s not even aware of the fact it was a shitty figure, and we’ll probably never meet again and none of us will ever mention the other’s name during any conversation”

“Oh! You’re finally coming to your senses then. Nothing bad happened, period” Starr encourages him.

“But I managed to make Angie angry, without doing anything” Jerry goes on with a desolate face.

“Why? What did she tell you?” Mike asks, he can’t believe he can actually forget his own problems and focus on his colleague’s ones.

“She didn’t tell me anything, of course! I ran away as soon as she arrived and we didn’t speak, but the face she made when she saw me sitting at the bar with her dad was enough”

“That doesn’t mean anything, she has a disgusted face every time she sees you, she’s already mad at you, you can’t do worse” maybe that was a little tactless, I took something from Mike Starr’s style this time. I’m just being honest though.

“Not too much worse at least” McCready adds.

“Say, worse than what you already did, that’s quite impossible” the bassist puts out the cigarette in the ashtray he borrowed from the nearby table.

“Ok but what if she thinks I did it on purpose? Look for her dad and talk to  him?”

“And why would you do that? To kill yourself?” I ask perplexed.

“That. And why do you care what she thinks anyway? Can’t you understand you gotta forget that girl? We’re tired of repeating you” Starr scolds him as he lights up another cigarette right away, blowing smoke in the guitarist’s face.

“Yeah yeah, I know, I’m not stupid! Angie’s done with me and she thinks I’m an asshole, but I don’t want her to think I’m… that much of asshole. Such an asshole that has fun torturing her and making her uncomfortable on purpose with… I don’t know… pants dropped down, pointless fits of jealousy, transmission of embarrassing sexual diseases, conversations about how good she was at sucking dick and ill-timed presents ending up in the dustbin and so on. As if dumping me wasn’t enough and she needed to, I don’t know, leave the state to prevent me from hurting her in any way” Jerry throws his banter addressing none of us in particular, just staring at the bottom of his longtime empty glass, from which he then tries to get a few more non existing drops of beer.

“And of course the examples you mentioned are just generic examples that actually have got nothing to do with your story, right?” McCready inquires, maybe kind of shocked.

“Please, tell us they’ve got nothing to do with your actual story… except for when you pulled down your pants and showed her your dick because I personally witnessed that sad show” Starr insists after Jerry just stared at McCready without answering.

Jerry still doesn’t say anything and his non answer speaks volumes. Silence takes over our table, but it’s temporary.

“You’re a fucking walking catastrophe, Jerry” Layne says after a waitress cleans our table from the empty glasses, giving way to a wave of laughter from Starr. And from me, although I try to hold it back.

“There’s nothing to laugh about, you jerks”

“You’re right, no, you’re right, sorry, sorry!” I wipe out the tears in my eyes with the back of my hand.

“I’m trying to open up to my friends and you just laugh at me, don’t complain if I don’t ever tell you anything” Cantrell grumbles and he’s got the biggest frown I’ve ever seen.

“No but, it’s our fault actually. Because we asked! From now on don’t ever tell us anything, please, don’t open up anymore!” Starr says between fits of laughter.

“You can count on that”

“Come on, you have to admit you’d laugh too if it was about someone else” McCready remarks and he’s not bending with laughter like us, but he can’t hide an amused grin.

“Oh yeah, sure, especially if it was about this two.” he replies pointing at us, then goes on with a wicked smile on his face “Or if you want I could have a laugh about the fact Melanie’s single now. Oh wait, would you give me her number? AH-AH-AH”

“Touché” Mike admits being defeated with a shrug, with no clamor.

“Ok, we’ve had enough, let’s just stop now. Let’s talk about serious stuff” Starr slaps his hand hard on the wooden table trying to bring back order.

“Finally, it was about time” Cantrell nods. He trusts our bassist too much.

“Let’s talk about Angie’s skills” and I knew we shouldn’t trust him at all.

“Shut. That. Fucking. Mouth.”

“Four words you never told Angie, right?” Starr is the worst and we can’t help exploding in a collective laugh once again.

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU” Jerry stands up from his chair and, not founding any blunt object, wields the car keys he takes from his pocket.

“As I've always said, girls who’re not that good looking have a leg up on the others”

“I’M GONNA SLAUGHTER YOU LIKE A PIG!”

********************************************************************************************************************************************

“But are people allowed into this park at night?” my daughter asks as she walks beside me, holding the flashlight we’re sharing with Eddie and Stone.

“Sure they are. And the only reason we got in through a hole in a net, instead of a main entrance, is that we wanted to make it a much more exciting experience for Ray” Stone answers as we walk on through what started as a pretty wide country road and slowly turned into a narrow trail worming its way into the woods.

“Oh. So we’re doing something… illegal?! Angie, tomorrow you’re packing your bags and coming back home, far away from these criminals” I say keeping a straight face, seconds before I hear the sound of stumbling feet and if I didn’t see that the torch light is still and steadily illuminating the trail and the surrounding vegetation, I’d bet that it’s my daughter who tripped.

“Fuck”

“Watch out, Jeffrey, if you roll down the trail we’re all fucked up, we’ll go down like bowling pins!” Stone picks on his bandmate, who’s in another group behind our back, and I wonder how long have they known each other, considering that, from what I saw, these two are always picking on each other like wife and husband.

“I didn’t fall, but if I did I’d be careful to aim at you only”

“Now I understand why you said comfortable clothes.” Angie says with a vaguely shaky voice, I don’t know if it’s for the cold or a little fear of the dark “And the trail is icy in a few spots”

The place is actually really fascinating and I thank god for bringing a flash unit that’s suited for snapping pictures in this context, but it doesn’t look like the ideal setting for a night party in January.

“Be careful you too” I tell her, circling her shoulder with my arm.

“I know, I know, I don’t wanna re-enact Indiana Jones’ boulder scene in Raiders of the lost ark”

“Asshole” I feel Eddie combines his remark with some kind of pat or nudge, that’s luckily really light and doesn’t give way to the just mentioned movie scene.

A little further down the trail we meet a series of stairs, a sign that we’re getting closer and closer to the beach. The sound of the waves, the cold breeze, the music and the chatter of those who got to the bonfire before us are the other signals.

“Are we almost there?” my hopeful daughter asks, when a set of stairs ends and the trail widens a little in a small clearing with two wooden benches in the middle.

“Was she so impatient during trips as a child too, Ray?” Christopher asks from the third group with a torch, actually the first since they come first before us.

“Always”

“Anyway if these raspberry bushes weren’t so tall, you’d already see the beach on your left, enjoying a wonderful view” the guy goes on, sitting on the backrest of one of the benches.

“Blackberries” I correct.

“Huh?”

“They’re blackberries, not raspberries” Angie confirms, walking up closer to the bushes with the torch.

“How can you say that? There’s no fruit on them…” Jeff's girlfriend asks when the last group gets to the clearing too.

“Raspberry’s plants are not this tall,” my baby answers pointing at the canes, which must be over 6,5 feet “they’re just as tall as me when in bloom”

“And blackberry’s thorns are harder” I add.

“I didn’t know you were into plants and stuff” Eddie gets closer to my daughter to examine the bush with her. Yeah, for that.

“Really, who would have thought! After all, she just comes from the mountains…” Stone says ironically as he climb and stands on the second bench, trying to look beyond the high barrier of plants.

“Haha I’m an expert because I can tell the difference between blackberries and raspberries?”

“Why did we stop here? Come on, let’s move on or we’ll get there tomorrow morning” Matt, I think, the blond guy who as far as I understood plays in Chris’ band, urges us to stop wasting time and get back on the trail and he’s right.

“Well, in that case we wouldn’t break any law, since the park opens at 4:30 in the morning” Stone remarks as he jumps off the bench.

We’re resuming our walk and, after a few more minutes of thick woods and stairs, the plants along the side of the road starts to get lower and sparser, awarding us with the promised great view, but at the same time depriving us of the natural barrier between us and the wind. I stop to take a couple of quick pictures without stopping the group, but without losing sight of them not to be left behind alone. When I rejoin my daugher and I’m about to hug her again I realize good Eddie’s arm has taken mine’s place. As soon as our arms 'bump’ into each other’s, we both let them flail down and while I look at him amused, he’s staring at the ground and puts his hands in his pockets. Angie doesn’t seem to notice or mind, she’s much more focused on pulling up her hoodie on her head to shield herself from the chilling air coming from the sea. I can’t help feeling vaguely out of place here, ruining Eddie’s awkward attempts with my daughter, which could also work with the help of the starry and exceptionally clear sky, the moon reflecting itself in the sea and the pretext of the cold weather. That is of course if I wasn’t here.

“Luckily Violet didn’t come with us, she’d have broken a leg with her heels” Jeff’s girlfriend points out.

“Or worse, she’d have asked Eddie to take her down in his arms. By the way, can you tell us what you told her?” Stone asks and I guess it’s the twentieth time.

“Nothing, I just told her I’m not interested and to stay away” his friend replies, more or less like he did the other nineteen times.

“And why did she leave laughing like that?” he insists.

“I don’t know, she must have taken it well.” he answers, then immediately drops the subject “Look, that must be it”

Following with my eye the imaginary line that starts from Eddie’s index finger, the guys and I spot some lights in a short distance, an apparently big fire behind the trees and other smaller ones closer to the beach, and it must be the party we’re going to, unless other people around here had the same crazy idea. Now that the destination is near we quicken up our pace, instinctively, without anybody telling the others to do that.

“What’s that down there? A lighthouse?” Angie asks and pulls her scarf up a little over her mouth.

“Yeah, it’s the Westpoint lighthouse. And the other white things are the base buildings” Jeff promptly explains, as he almost runs, holding his girlfriend tight.

“Base? What base?” she asks curious.

“The military base”

“MILITARY BASE?!” she yells slowing down and killing what little was left of my hearing in my right ear.

“Yes, why?”

“We’re going to have an illegal party behind the military’s back?!” she exclaims shocked.

“Hahahaha but it’s disused now, it closed like twenty years ago” jeff reassures her, and me.

“Uh ok, for a minute I thought I had stupid friends”

“Now there’s the Coast Guard and the Navy there” Stone adds.

“I correct myself: YOU ARE STUPID”

“So, what do you think about it?” Stone talks to the rest of his torch group as soon as we get to the windy beach, probably because we’re the only three people not knowing the place.

“This place is amazing” Eddie says, his eyes fixed on the dark waves.

“Sure, although it must be much more amazing in summer, in the daylight” Angie complains, her face buried into her scarf.

“Oh we’re always here in the summer. Here or at Gas Works Park or Kerry Park. Or in Alki” Jeff points out, as soon as he sits down on one of the many logs on the beach, next to a small firepit.

“And why the hell didn’t you take me here in summer instead of today?”

“Because we didn’t know you then, we didn’t know if we could trust you or not. This is one of our secret spots” Stone says, putting his hands next to the fire to warm them up.

“You’ve known my dad for a few hours and you brought him here” my daughters looks at the fire as if she wanted to dive in it to warm up, then just sits next to Jeff, with Eddie tagging along and doing the same.

“That’s different, your dad’s cool” the little jerk calmly retorts before walking away towards the trees.

There must be about twenty people on the beach apart from us, maybe more than that at the bigger bonfire, but I can’t see anything from here, I can just guess it from the sound of voices and music. Somebody puts a beer bottle in my hand, I take a sip from that, then walk away to take some more pictures. The stingy wind has the ability of clearing up the sky, something which musn’t be that common here in rainy Seattle, and the white buildings Jeff was mentioning before look like they shine with a light of their own in the dark of the night, just like the sand itself on the beach, here and there dappled with stones, dirt, pebbles and tree logs. The small fires and the smoke coming from them make it all even more suggestive. When I get back to our previous spot I see that very few people stayed on the beach, the only ones left of our group are Jeff and Laura, intent on kissing, and for that I should just stay away and leave them alone. But the image is so involuntarily photogenic. And my beer's still there by the way. The flash light breaks the kiss and the lovers’ break gives me the chance to take my beer without looking like a creep. I walk towards the place with the main bonfire, a small clearing among the trees, strategically shielded from the wind by a big rocky formation that seems a scale model of the pointy headland I’ve just photographed. There’s a boombox playing Sonic Youth on one side, whereas other guys down there are playing something on guitars. The people are all sitting around the fire with blankets on their legs, drinking and eating from bags of snacks and chips. Among these people I spot my daughter and the guy who’s predictably sharing his blanket with her.

“I see you’re pretty comfortable here” the very moment I surprise the group behind their back, I see my daughter furtively stretching her hand towards Eddie, who does the same with Matt, who repeats the same gesture with the other guy, Kim, as if they’re handing each other something to pass on and make disappear. And I wasn’t born yesterday”

“Hey, did you take good pictures?” my daughter trying to dissimulate is one of the funniest shows to attend in life.

“Yeah. Now can I take a hit?”

“Oh sure” she answers and steals from Eddie the common tobacco cigarette he’s holding, handing it out to me.

“Not that, the other one”

“Which one?”

“The joint”

“Joint, what joint?” my daughter asks surprised.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Ray” Eddie repeats and he sucks even more than my daughter at lying.

“Joints? We don’t smoke joints” Cornell probably has more control over his voice tone, but with that face, now looking even more devilish thanks to the light of the fire reflecting on it, he’s not credible at all.

“Ok, so, whatever it is, can I have a hit or not?”

The joint slowly follows the same path as before, only backwards, only missing the last step and passing directly from Eddie’s fingers to mine. I take a small hit, 'cause I have no idea what these guys smoke, as I sit down next to my daughter and steal some of the blanket from the couple, just to upset Eddie a little. Not because I don’t like him, actually I do like him, he seems ok, but just to have some fun. The weed seems kind of strong, I just take another couple of hits, then hand it out to Angie.

“What shoud I do with that?”

“I don’t know? Write a letter to Santa? What do you think?”

“I don’t smoke”

“Yeah, sure. Come on, take it”

“That’s true”

“I have big news for you: wrapping roaches in aluminum foil doesn’t destroy them instantly, nor does it cancel them from the face of the earth. You’ve been smoking weed for a couple of years now”

“But dad!”

“Angie, I’m, well, surprised. You’re such a disappointment to us all” Stone perfectly plays the part of the dad I’m not.

“Ok, fine. But just from time to time” she admits embarrassed.

“I know, don’t worry” I reassure her, taking another small hit, then bringing it close to her lips once again.

“But I can’t do it… like this”

“Like what?” I ask confused.

“Like this… with you”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re my dad!”

“Then what? Right because I’m your dad, I would never miss the chance to smoke with my grown up daughter. Come on”

I know Angie’s so ashamed right now because she’s always so secretive and reserved about anything both with me and her mom and because everybody’s looking at us, but I also know that it’s a unique occasion. For our relationship of course, as a bonding moment, not for the weed itself, I mean, we could also share a chicken leg for what I care. Angelina, without talking, finally accepts my offer and lets herself take a couple of hits, before handing the joint back to Eddie.

“Here, are you happy now? Did your hippie dad’s dream come true?” she sarcastically asks.

“Hippie parents, I know something about that. I feel your pain and I’m not being ironical for once” Stone pats her on her back, while Eddie gives him the joint “I’m done with a hit and that’s it, since it’ll be up to me to take you all home”

Eddie and I came here with Angie on her car, Chris came with his girlfriend and Matt, the others half with Stone and half with Jeff. Jeff had said he’d be leaving early because he’s working in the morning, he also offered me a ride back to the hotel, since I’ll get up early too to leave.

“Are you the sober designated driver?” I ask him and I’m happy to know there’s one, although I know I can trust my baby.

“Yeah, but I designated myself, also because in a place like this I’d never put my life in the hands of this bunch of drunkards and stoners” he explains jokingly pulling Angie’s hood over her face.

“No, I’m ok like this too” she says as she declines the joint Stone hands to her.

“Don’t worry, I’m here too just in case” valiant knight Eddie volunteers for taking the damsel back home safe, who would have thought!”

“I’m here too, I gave up those things ages ago” says Chris’ girlfriend, who I later found out is also the manager of his band and other bands. Also the band of the guy I met at the club before… what was his name? Oh yeah, Jerry. Susan is a grown up woman and all of Angie’s friends aren’t kids anymore and I must admit I feel better knowing she’s hanging out with older people, not because adults are wiser or shit like that, but because they usually have already done the stupidest shit and don’t mean to repeat it.

“I’m glad to hear that, you might be drunk stoners, but you have a good head on your shoulders”

“So will you entrust your daughter to us? 'Cause that’s what it’s all about, right? That’s why you’re here for, I mean, all this progressist dad scene was just a test to see if you can trust her here in Seattle, am I wrong?” the joke is really Stone-style, but it comes from Jeff as soon as he joins us. Apparently those two know each other so much they can exchange parts.

“Fuck, you caught me. Yeah, I think I can put her in your hands”

“I won’t put myself in anybody’s hands!” she laughs it off, while Matt finishes the joint and throws the roach in the fire.

We keep quiet for a while, just staring at the fire, happy and lost each in our own thoughts.

“Anyway, if you really don’t feel like, don’t drive. You can sleep here after all, it’s such a nice place” I say after a while, with Kim Gordon’s husky voice in the background, without looking away from the flames and in this moment Angie takes my hand and holds it, very tight, under the blanket, unnoticed, without saying anything because there’s no need to talk, because she knows exactly what I’m thinking about right now…

“Sure, the ideal place to sleep at, pneumonia breakfast is served for free in the morning” the Stone-style joke belongs to him this time.

The party goes on, I take loads of pictures, I meet other people and I’m not surprised to find out they’re almost all musicians. Apparently music is everywhere in this city, in the air, in the water, in the soil, maybe even in the sewage plant nearby. I hang out with these guys for some time, there’s a jam session starting, even including me at some point, on a guitar one of them generously lends me, and we play Neil Young. I say bye when I feel I’m approaching that fine line between the little funny moment with an older guy and the intrusive old fart who acts like a kid at all costs. I walk back to the main bonfire and I see most of Angie’s friends are not there anymore: my daughter’s sitting at the same place together with Jeff’s girlfriend, whereas the others apparently engaged in a sort of climbing competition on a big tree not far away, which is almost resting against the rock. I take a picture of the girls that strangely enough won’t be blurry because Angie’s so into the conversation with her friend that doesn’t notice me, luckily. At some point, Laura takes something out of her bag, I immediately realize it’s a pocket mirror, and she tries to move it around so that she can see herself better at the light of the fire. In that moment, Jeff, who’s maybe the temporary winner of the climbing competition, runs towards the girls and takes his girlfriend in his arms, walking towards the beach and pretending to go throwing her in the water. Laura wriggles and squirms and Angie enjoys the whole scene smiling. She soon notices something on the ground and takes it: it’s Laura’s mirror. I feel like some kind of spy, as if I was stealing an innocuous but still private moment of my daughter, who doesn’t know I’m looking at her. I feel bad, especially when I can say the exact moment she sees her reflection in the small mirror. I can say it because the smile, which is still coloring her face after her friends’ love game, abruptly disappears and turns into… sadness. I can’t think of a more suited word. What I see is the saddest girl ever seen looking at herself in a mirror, but the worst thing for me is knowing I can’t do anything to change that expression. I’ve never wanted to command my daughter, I’m not a controlling father, I think I’ve never given her an order in my whole life, nor forbidden something to her, except for that time… Anyway, if there were situations in which I wish I could have control over her, this would be one of them.

“You’re beautiful” I tell her as I sit right next to her, after I wait for her to close the mirror and put it in her pocket.

“You smoked another joint with your new friends, right?” she now smiles and nods at the guy I played with before, but the smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“You’re much more beautiful than her” my hand tightens on her shoulder, at least I try through her heavy coat.

“Are you kidding me, Laura is a hottie! Don’t say that to Jeff or he’d never drive you to your hotel: he’d let you die in the woods as a revenge”

“You’re more beautiful than your mother” I insist, taking her chin between my fingers and lightly forcing her to look at me in the eye, at the same time making sure nobody’s seeing or listening to us round here.

“Then it’ll be mom abandoning you in the woods with nothing, not even a loaf of bread to crubmle to find the way back home”

“I’m not talking about Janis… I mean your mom… the actual one”

“Janis is my actual mother” she retorts looking at me in the eye, being serious for the first time since I came here, for the first time in months actually.

“You know what I mean”

“Biological mother, I think that’s the correct word” she says, right back in the role of Angie the Detached.

“You’re much, much more beautiful than the one who gave birth to you” I repeat.

“Hehe sorry if I hardly believe you, considering that being beautiful was her job”

“Looking good is not enough to be a beautiful person. You’re a beautiful person, inside and outside, and I hope that all these nice people loving and caring for you will make you understand it better than me and your mother did, the one who didn’t give birth to you”

“That is, the true one” she adds with a smile, directed towards the fire.

“Yep” I do the same and let the flames hypnotyze me as I rest my head on her shoulder.

“What a great dad-daughter moment, do you think it was because of the weed?” Angie can’t be Angie without destroying emotional moments.

“Sure!” I exclaim sitting back straight and letting her scarf fall in the movement.

She takes it off to put it back correctly and as she does that I see something shining on her neck.

“What’s this? Is it new?” I ask her taking the pendant in my hand.

“Yes, it’s new, more or less, it’s a present” she replies, tensing up all of a sudden, then covering herself quickly with the scarf.

I smell a rat.

“A present from whom?”

“From Meg, it’s a necklace Meg gave me for my birthday” she reveals and as she does I see Eddie, who was walking towards us, stopping in his tracks a few steps away from us and giving a strange look at my daughter.

Something tells me the present was from him. Come on, Eddie, don’t take it bad, you should know her by now: sharing a joint for her is easier than sharing thoughts about a guy, especially if she likes him as she likes you.

“Hey Eddie, who won?” I ask him.

“I did… I guess”

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

“Tell me again why Grace didn’t come” since Jeff left with Ray, and Laura, Cornell decided to take his place as my personal torturer.

“Because she had a date… with a guy!” Angie exclaims in a clearly altered state. The same girl who was ashamed to hold a joint in front of her dad, has drained the booze stash after he left.

“You mean a guy who’s not Stone?”

“Exactly!” Angie tries to stand up, but she visibly staggers and she’d fall head first into the fire if Eddie wasn’t there, ready to grab her and hold her tight. Ah what a sacrifice, but someone’s gotta do it, right Eddie?

“If you believe I give a fuck, well, keep up with your little show, huh. But I warn you, you’re wasting your time and breath” I press the side button of my watch to lighten up the display: it’s 3:30. No date ever lasts so long. Anyway, she could as well come over later. She could as well bring this guy over, I’ve got no problems with that, maybe she has. If she found someone who’s crazy enough to overlook the whole dadaist chair thing and keep his mouth shut only to get laid, well, good for her. I can’t shut up, I can’t ignore her weirdness, it might be nothing big, but it’s a lot of little weird things and they’re really a lot and they’re absurd. I bet the guy she went out with tonight doesn’t even notice them instead, doesn’t even see them, doesn’t want to see them, to him she’s just an average girl, an ok girl you can have the combo dinner+movie+fuck with, not a crazy girl with two fishtanks with no fish instead of windows. He doesn’t even see the fishtanks… or the sticky note on the chair… or the semicolon tattoo… not even the stuffed animals. He doesn’t understand who’s standing in front of him, he doesn’t understand a fucking shit. But it’s not my business anyway.

“Mark? Is this the time to show up at a party?” the chance to drop the subject presents itself in the shape of my ex bandmate, whom I see slowly approaching from the trail.

“Gossard! You should know this is the ideal time, showing up at a party before 3 a.m. is so bourgeois” I’ve never been happier so see Arm since Green River split up.

“Nice beanie… or is it an orange flavored condom? I’m afraid you didn’t press out all the air at the tip though” I remark pointing at his flossy beanie, which has some kind of unexplainable bump on top.

“I knew you wouldn’t appreciate it as much as it deserves, after all Jeff is the expert about hats. Or the expert about anything that’s not himself.” he snaps back with his diagonal smile and I love him, I really do, I mean, we’d been sharing the stage for years and we’re friends, still there’s some kind of rivalry and picking on each other and I think it’s good to a certain extent “But Idaho is here too. Hi Idaho!”

“Hi guy who calls people by the name of the place they come from! You’re lucky I wasn’t born in that Welsh city with the longest name of the world… what was it… Llanfairsomething” Angie replies and is unusually talkative, something which doesn’t surprise those of us who already saw her drunk, but surprises Eddie a lot. He looks at her clearly fascinated and terrified at the same time.

“Actually Idaho as a nickname is all Kurt, I just humbly use it” Arm brings a hand to his chest and fakes a sort of bow.

“Cobain? I should have guessed it, such an imaginative name couldn’t have been created by the mind of someone who calls himself like a limb”

“Or a verb!” I add.

“Or a weapon!” Angie goes on.

“A part of a record player!” me again.

“What’s this? Did I arrive just in the middle of your creative process? I thought you had stopped writing songs this way, Stone”

“Actually now they prefer the exquisite corpse technique” boozy girl explains as Arm sits down right next to her and steals a beer from our stash.

“A surrealistic band? And I thought you were writing words on small squares of paper and mixing them in one of Jeff’s hats to pick them up later in a casual order”

“No, actually the corpse is Stone’s after the fifteenth change of a chord. The others kill him and write a song about the whole experience”

“And then? Does he resurrect each time rising from his ashes like a phoenix?”

“Well phoenix only rises anew once every 500 years, so.. I hope so” the dwarf says, laughing at my face with Mark.

“Now it looks like I know the release date of the album of… what’s your name?”

“Mookie Blaylock” Angie speaks before anyone else, basically spelling every single letter, maybe even the ones who’re not there.

“But we’re changing the name” Eddie points out and he probably didn’t even notice, I mean he surely didn’t, but he slowly got closer to Smurfette from the moment Arm sat beside her. But is it just me noticing everything or is anyone else blind?

“They’re gonna use exquisite corpse to find the band name too” Angie says nodding at herself.

“Exquisite corpse seems a perfect name itself already” Arms takes off his terrible beanie, trying to tame his messy hair in the wind.

“Now it looks like I know the name of the next Mudhoney’s album” Angie repeats Mark’s previous joke and it doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Copying someone else’s joke using it against them is a definitely outdated method to win an argument”

“I thought that to win an argument with you it’d only take some arm wrestling”

“Hey you two, just stop it or get a room!” Cornell chimes in with no tact at all and Eddie must not appreciate the way he does it, or the words he uses, since he delivers the fakest little laugh I’ve ever heard.

“We’d better not, someone’s gonna end up in jail” Angelina replies, pointing the neck of her beer bottle against Arm’s nose.

“But weren’t you of age? At least, that’s what Stone had published in every newspaper of the state a few months ago” Mark winks at Angie, something Vedder likes even less.

“Exactly and coming of age also means becoming legally prosecutable in case I commited a murder” Angie’s devilish smile mirrors Mark’s amused one.

“Are you sure you’re friend with these people? You look too smart for these guys”

“Trying to win an argument pretending to let the other one win and complimenting her seems a too predictable technique, even for a so called ’alternative’ musician” final shot by Angie who wins it all, even though she’s so drunk she irritatingly draws air quotes with her fingers.

“Haha no, I’m not pretending, I swear, you won, I bow down before your superiority!” Mark raises his hands, then has his beer bottle clink against Angie’s in a sort of toast of defeat, before standing up from the log “I’ll go and have my revenge on someone else, good night”

The conversation with Mark, or maybe alcohol, consumed much of the energy of Angie, who’s now sprawled out all over Eddie and he’s surely not complaining. He just sits there, hugging her, cuddling with her by the fire enjoying its warmth and writing something on a pocket notepad with his free hand. How the hell does he write in the dark?

“What are you looking at?” Kim scares me to death, coming out from behind a bush.

“JESUS CHRIST… where did you come from? I had a heart attack!”

“I went to pee, sorry if I didn’t think about sending a warning signal”

“What’s going on?” Chris and Matt come along, probably because of my screams.

“Nothing, Stone thought I was a mountain lion or some other wild animal. Anyway, what are you looking at?”

“Nothing much, just the lovebirds of the day”

“And who would they be?” Gossip Guy Cornell is obviosly interested in the latest news.

“I’ll give you a hint: one is an alcoholic teenager, the other one is an exiled sufer”

“Eddie… and Angie?!” Chris looks dismayed.

“I’m not surprised, I often see them together” Matt admits.

“And what about Cantrell?” Thayil asks, strangely interested in gossip too.

“Cantrell was dethroned by Goldenlocks and dismissed forever” I diplomatically explain.

“Actually, she used to be hand in glove with Jerry, now they ignore each other” Cornell admits.

“But one of them needs to wake up and take action or they could go on with this secret lovers bullshit for ages” I snort wiping some sand off my boots.

“I bet ten bucks she’ll take action first” Kim states after pondering for a long time.

“Nah, I say Eddie first” Chris rebids.

“I say Eddie first too” Matt says.

“Eddie for me too, Angie couldn’t tell a romantic advance from a court order”

“Mark Arm’s got such a big mouth” shit-faced Smurfette remarks as Vedder’s giving her a piggyback ride along the trail. Thank god he’s here, I couldn’t carry her and neither could the others right now. Without Vedder we’d have ended up sleeping on the beach like Ray suggested. Ray is fun, I kind of like him, maybe it’s because he’s a lot like my dad, well sort of, especially in giving shitty names to their children.

“Sure he has, Mark Arm is the biggest big mouth of Seattle, ask Jeff!” I giggle.

“That guy’s always been like that, always talking, often too much” says Cornell too.

“You’re the one to talk!” we all cry along.

“No, I didn’t mean metaphorically. I mean, his mouth is big, in the sense of… his oral fissure” the girl slurs, but pronounces oral fissure perfectly.

“Well, yeah, I guess” Matt doesn’t know how to respond to Angie’s nonsense talking.

“He’s got a really nice mouth, nice lips. I like him.” I swear to god I heard Eddie trip over something and half stumble in this exact moment, I’m not making it up “He should be called Mark Mouth instead of Mark Arm”

“Well, then he could as well be called Mark Nose, considering the dimension” I joke trying to keep the torch straight and not letting the love-alcoholic tragedy that’s taking place behind my back distract me.

“YES! THE NOSE TOO!” Angie raises her head, which she had kept resting on Vedder’s left shouder until now, and fidgets so much she slightly throws him off balance.

“Hey, calm down, you and your mini hormones!” I rebuke her while the others laugh.

The others minus Eddie.

“Ok,” Angie puts her head back down and lets Eddie carry her in peace “anyway I like men with a big nose. And with a big mouth”

If Eddie’s hands weren’t busy holding Angie from her legs, I think he’d put them on his face to take measures. Given his expression, he’s struggling with the urge.

“Ok so, who takes the responsibility of convincing her this whole conversation did actually happen once she’s sober? I don't” I go on as I walk up the trail, until I notice the others have stopped. I turn around and pointing the torch at them I see them standing still, staring at me.

“What’s wrong?” I ask confused.

“Right, what’s happening? Why did we stop? I wanna go home…” Angie whines, looking up and around in a more delicate way this time.

“Big mouth and big nose, huh?” Cornell looks at me and folds his arms, then looks at Angie, then me again, then Angie, and the others follow this exchange of looks to, at least until she doesn’t figure out what they’re thinking about.

“OH GOD, PLEASE, NO! FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” she complains, looking like she’s about to throw up, something which would also be plausible considering her close encounter with drunken stupor.

“Hey, what’s that disgusted look on your face? Why?”

“Stone, don’t pretend to be offended because I don’t have a crush on you. My dad’s not even here to help you”

“I’m not offended, darling, but the fact you’re not desperately in love with me doesn’t allow you to look at me like you’re looking at a pile of stinky socks. Jeff Ament’s stinky socks”

“Jeff Jeff Jeff… how come you always have Jeff in your mouth??” Angie keeps whining and doesn’t even notice she accidentally used a double entendre, but I point the torch at my friends as if it was a weapon, silently threatening them not to make any comments.

“Well, in such a big mouth…” Matt whispers, causing some hushed laughs I pretend not to hear.

“Who knows if Grace likes guys with a big mouth…” Cornell goes on and I’m tempted to give them the wrong directions and let them fall off some cliff.

We finally get to our cars after a long walk, which actually seemed shorter than the walk to the beach though. That’s strange, it should be the opposite, since we’re now tired, partially loaded and walking uphill. The plan is the four of us will follow Eddie, who’s driving Angie’s car up to her apartment, where we’re gonna leave Cornell and Matt, and Kim too 'cause he’s crashing at their place to make it faster and easier. After that, I’ll take Eddie home before going back to my place. As I start the car I can’t help noticing Vedder right in front of us who carefully puts Angie in her seat and and even fastens her seatbelt, walks around the micro-car, takes the driver’s seat, regulates the seat and while he regulates the mirrors he’s clearly pulling faces sticking out his tongue as he looks at his reflection.

And I thought he was right in the head. And maybe he was, before meeting Angie. And us.

#pearl jam fanfiction #grunge fanfiction #pearl jam #mike mccready #stone gossard #jeff ament #eddie vedder #alice in chains #layne staley #jerry cantrell #mike starr #sean kinney #chris cornell #kim thayil #matt cameron #soundgarden #mark arm #chapters