#*Points at Safespace* you’re next

[articroses]

You’re killing me Marvel. You’re actually killing me.

I don’t care about the ironic commentary: Snowflake is more of a name you’ll give to a pet panda bear on Webkins than an actual hero.

Anyway, I gave them a little redesign

I’m not good in names but Sleet or even Permafrost is better in my opinion.

The gauntlets around their arms help them aim their projectiles better. Also, I gave them ice picks, because why not.

#marvel #new warriors #marvel new warriors #snowflake #marvel snowflake #redesign #character redesign #*Points at Safespace* you’re next #someone give me a name to blame for such sucky designs #sketch #maybe i’ll add color if this gets notes~~

[thisbeatchachinglikemoney]

Moonlight

Part 1 of the Boys with Luv series

Pairing: Yoongi x reader (eventual), Yoongi x BTS, dom!Yoongi x sub!Taehyung x sub!Jungkook

Summary: One night when Yoongi is out for a moonlit stroll, he finds a girl dancing in the park all alone. When he approaches her, his whole life changes forever.

Warnings: There is some mention of mental and physical abuse in this chapter, as well as some a theme of depression and mention of self-harm.

Tags:@calling-dips-on-j-hope​, @fic-recs-by-moon​, @luvtaeha, @aretha170​, @xicanacorpse​, @kookieebangtan, @fangirl125reader, @seoul9711​, @channiespup, @lindsayjoy444​​ 

Part 1 | Part 2

Y/N POV:

He was drunk. Again. This time it was worse than the others though. The other times he was drunk enough that he was tired and could not stay awake long enough to actually hurt me anymore than a couple of hits poorly aimed and a handful of harmful words thrown at me. But it was enough for me to fall further into a deep, black void that seemed to have no way out. It was inescapable. I could hear him banging and shouting to himself downstairs. I was in our room, pretending to be asleep. I rarely slept when he was around, scared of what he would do to me when I was unaware. 

That was why I slept while he was out during the day, and then would sneak out at night once I knew he was sleeping. I would go to a park nearby and just sit there and collect my thoughts. Sometimes I would let myself taste the sweet release that I got when I danced, but that was very rare. He banned me from dancing, saying it was like I was cheating on him by showing off my body to other people. And of course, I believed him. 

I guess the only good thing was that he wasn’t my soulmate. Everything was still black and white and all the shades of grey in between for me. But I just couldn’t find the courage in myself to get help to leave him. When I was in the park, I loved to listen to BTS to help myself find the courage to get through the next day. Just enough that I would want to survive. But that didn’t stop the want to die from slipping through some cracks. Small scars littered my wrists. They all looked almost silver to me, but I knew that if I could see colour, they would be red. The colour of blood. 

He laughed when he found out. Said I deserved it. Said I should do it more and maybe, just maybe, if I was lucky I would cut deep enough to end it. 

I could hear his footsteps thumping up the stairs now. I gulped and nestled under the blankets, trying to even out my breathing and slow it down to give the impression I was asleep. I almost flinched when I heard the door open, but I managed to stay still. 

“I know you’re awake.” He said, his voice dangerously calm. His footsteps grew louder until I could feel his breath fan over me. It stunk of cheap whisky and other alcohol. He scoffed. “Of course you’d ignore me. Stupid bitch!” He slapped me across the face, causing me to jolt forward and gasp in pain as red hot sparks shot across my face. I curled into a ball, protecting my face with my arms. “Worthless, good for nothing slut.” He pulled me off the bed and kicked me in the stomach, making me cry out in pain. I began to back away from him, pushing myself along the floor with my hands and feet as he walked towards me. 

My heart was pounding in my chest, my breathing erratic. I was scared. He could kill me. He lifted his foot as if he was going to stamp on my outstretched leg, but I rolled away just in time, earning myself a kick to the side. I whimpered and stumbled to my feet. I looked around for something, anything I could use as a weapon, as something to defend myself. My eyes zeroed in on a lamp. It was a gift from my mother; a metal base that had little knots of the material jutting out from the sides. I knew it was heavy. I knew that it could possibly knock him out.

I ran over to it and picked it up, yanking the plug out of the socket. He walked closer to me, scoffing. “You think you can hurt me with that?” He chuckled. “Sweet,” He began to undo the buckle of his belt and was about to pull it from its confines when I swung at him with the lamp. It was as if the gods were looking down upon me when the metal end connected with his head, knocking him out cold. 

I stared down at his unconscious body, breathing quickly. I tried to calm myself down as I grabbed my phone and shoes, quickly disabling my location services. I had to leave him. Next time, I may not be so lucky. I looked around and stuffed some clothes into a backpack, grabbed a charger and my toothbrush and ran out of the house.

I didn’t have a car. He never let me, since he was under the impression that I could get away with it. Guess he forgot I had two legs and could walk. I shivered slightly, wrapping my arms around myself in an attempt to warm me up. I was only wearing a light hoodie, not realising how cold it was.

But I’d be fine. I could just huddle up underneath some of my clothes - use them as a blanket. I didn’t have any friends I could go to - he had made me get rid of them as well. I suppose it was safer for them; he could have threatened to hurt them to get me to do anything. I looked up at the sky, seeing the moon glowing a bright white light, the beauty of it making me feel calm. The moon was full and round, the streets being illuminated by the moonlight as I made my way to the little park that was my safespace.

Yoongi POV:

“No, no, no, no!” I groaned as my computer froze, the coloured pinwheel spinning around as if to mock me. I slammed my hand down on the desk in frustration, knowing that there was a good chance that all my hours of hard work on this song would be deleted. 

I pushed my chair back harshly and got up, kicking at the chair in annoyance. “Stupid thing. Can’t even work properly.” I glanced at the screen, letting a small sliver of hope through, hoping that the work had been saved and that it was still there, almost at the point of completion. My heart sunk, the screen was black. There goes eight hours or more of hard work for nothing.

I picked up my phone to check the time. It was almost midnight. There was a miriad of texts from my hyung and dongsaengs, urging me to come eat. Hobi had said he had come to get me but I clearly didn’t or wouldn’t hear him so he left. There was food for me in the fridge and Jungkook was waiting up for me. Of course he was, the boy could not sleep without knowing that everyone was in the dorm. 

All seven of us were in a relationship with each other, yet we were not soulmates since it was not allowed between people of the same sex. Stupid homophobic system. But if Kookie was waiting for me, I guess I should stop working now. The boy would force himself to stay awake, which would make him grumpy the next morning. Sometimes he acts like a baby, but who can blame him? He is the maknae after all.

My phone dinged, signalling a text for Taehyung.

Tae ❤️:

Hyung, when are you coming backkkkk? The bed is empty and I’m colddddddd. Pleaseeeee hurryyyyyyyyy

I love youuuuuu

But hurryyyyyyy

I shook my head and chuckled at Taehyung’s cuteness. I decided I would not text him back, but rather call him as I collected my stuff. I clicked on his contact name and put the phone against my ear as I shut off the computer and walked out of Genius Lab, locking the door behind me. 

“Hyung! When are you coming back?!” Tae asked as soon as he picked up the phone.

“Tae, baby. I am on my way, okay? I’m just a bit stressed though, so I may have to have even more cuddles.” I said. Even though I never showed it, I loved having and giving hugs to the members. But only behind closed doors. I could never do it in front of the cameras. It would ruin my bad boy persona. 

“Cuddles!” Tae gasped. “Yay. Hurry, please, hyung.” He pleaded, dragging out the end of the ‘please’, making me chuckle.

“I’m just getting in the car now baby boy. I’ll be back soon. Give me five minutes.” I said as I unlocked my car and got in, throwing my stuff over to the passenger seat. 

“Okay, hyung.” Tae said, smiling. I could hear it in his voice. “Oh, and hyung?”

“Yes baby?” I said as I set the phone in its holder and put it on speaker so I could start driving.

“I have a surprise for you.” He sang, giggling after. “I think you’ll like it a lot.”

“Oh, I look forward to it, baby.” I said as I reached a traffic light that was just outside the building. As I looked around, I caught a glimpse of lace stuffed by the seat. I frowned and reached over, pulling at it to get a closer look at what it was. I smiled and shook my head as I realised that it was a pair of Tae’s panties. He had obviously hidden them in here, seeing how they were strategically concealed.

Wearing lingerie was something Tae loved to do. He wore it all the time, not that any of us complained. He looked so cute, but so beautiful and breathtaking at the same time. My personal favourite was when he wore one of my oversized shirts with a pair of panties underneath, the lace framing his ass perfectly. Tae was the subbiest out of all of us, with Jimin and Jungkook a close second. Jin would sometimes sub and sometimes dom, but me, Joon and Hobi were the doms. I wondered if this is what his surprise would be.

“Oh, baby, I have something of yours.” I said.

“What is it?” Tae asked curiously. I could hear the duvet covers moving around as he shuffled on our bed. Each of us shared a room. It was me and Tae, Jimin and Hobi, and Joon, Jin and Kookie. Some nights, there would be more of us sleeping together, and some nights we would all sleep with each other. That was usually if one of us was really stressed or really upset and needed comfort from everyone. I wouldn’t need that tonight. I knew Tae would be able to cuddle away all my worries. I would be able to make it up tomorrow. I could get one of the others to help me.

“I’ll let you guess, baby. It was in my car and they are lacy.” I hinted. I heard him swallow before he took a deep breath.

“Am I in trouble?” Tae asked, his voice a lot quieter. “I’m sorry, I put them in there as a just in case, you know how you like to rip them off me.” He added quickly.

“I’m not angry at you baby boy.” I said, keeping my voice calm. “It was a nice surprise.”

“It was?” I could hear the smirk in Tae’s voice. “Then you’re going to like what I have for you here in bed... Master...”

As soon as he said this, I felt what could have been all my blood rush to my dick. “I’m almost home, baby.” I said, clearing my throat and palming myself to relieve the feeling I had. I let out quiet and breathy moan.

“Are you touching yourself, master?” Tae asked. “Are you getting your big cock nice and hard for me?”

“I want you ready for me when I get in, puppy.” I said as I pulled the car into the driveway of the apartment complex where our dorm was. 

“I’ll be waiting for you, Master.” Tae said excitedly, ending the call.

I turned off the engine of the car and sat there for a few moments, trying to calm myself down slightly. I would give him a slight punishment - he knew not to leave things in the car, no matter how arousing it would be for me, and he had also teased me slightly.

I walked into the house and spied Jungkook sat on the sofa, mindlessly flicking through the channels on the TV. So, he had waited up for me. Might as well if he wants to join in the fun with me and Tae.

“Kookie, baby.” I said, walking over to squat down in front of him. As I came into his line of vision, a bunny smile formed on his face.

“Hyungie, you’re back.” Jungkook flung his arms around my neck and kissed my cheek.

“Hey, bunny.” I stroked his hair and turned my head to kiss his lips gently. “Baby, TaeTae and I are going to be having some fun in a second. Do you want to join us?”

Jungkook looked at me, his chocolate eyes sparkling. He hummed in agreement and nodded his head. “Bunny wants to help please Master and TaeTae.” He said, instantly slipping into his subspace. 

“Okay, bunny.” I said, standing up with him still wrapped around my neck. He whined when I tried to push him off so I could walk upstairs. “Do you want me to carry you?” My cute little bunny nodded eagerly, so I picked him up and carried him towards mine and Tae’s bedroom. “Alright, bunny, let’s go say hi to TaeTae. Master has to punish him a bit though, first. You can go freshen up first if you want.” I suggested.

Jungkook nodded before leaning forward to kiss me. I reached down and squeezed him through his sweatpants, causing him to let out a shaky whine. “Master, please.” 

“Go freshen up baby. When you’re done you can come straight in.” I said, setting him on his way with a pat to his bum.

I pushed open the door to Tae’s room and saw him kneeling on the bed. But what really took my breath away was what he was wearing. It was a lace bodysuit that had bows decorating it. I couldn’t see his ass, but I already knew that there would be nothing covering it. There were small bows fastened to the tops of his thighs, holding the bodysuit in place. To top it all off he had a collar fastened around his neck.

“Fuck, puppy. Look at you. So beautiful for me.” I said, walking over to him and tracing his lips with my finger. “I believe these belong to you.” I pulled the lace out of my pocket and tossed it at him. He caught it with one hand and smirked at me.

“Did you like your surprise, master?” He asked coyly, looking up at me. I moved my hand to hold his face in place, cupping his chin. 

“I love it, puppy, but you know the rules. You don’t leave things in my car, do you?”

“No, master.” Tae looked down in shame. “‘M sorry. I just wanted it to be there as a backup.”

“Puppy, do you wanna know why I rip them off you?” I asked, kneeling down in front of him. He tilted his head at me in confusion. “Because I love the idea that you are wearing nothing beneath your clothes and that if you have one slip up, you would be exposed.” I trailed my finger down his chest and circled it around his tip.

“Master, please.” He begged. “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. It was a mistake.” I could see that he was almost fully hard, his cock was straining against the fabric of his bodysuit.

“You wanna make it up to me? Turn over and on my knee.” I ordered, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Yes, master.” Tae leant across my lap, his stomach resting on my knees. I smirked when I saw his exposed ass, all round and ready for me.

“Now, puppy. Kookie will be joining us soon, so we’d better make your initial punishment quick.” I said, kneading the globes of his ass. It wasn’t as big as Jimin’s, but Tae definitely had a beautiful ass. “How many do you think you deserve, pup?”

“At least 20, master. I was naughty.” Tae almost moaned out.

“Yes you were, puppy. Very naughty. You also teased master when he was coming home.” I sighed. “But, I guess my puppy likes being punished, doesn’t he?” Tae was silent. I smacked his ass hard, causing the flesh to jiggle. “Doesn’t he?” I repeated.

“Yes, master.” He said after he had yelped. I could feel how hard he was pressing against my thigh.

“I think I may give you 25, how does that sound?”

“Good, master.”

“And after each one, you thank me. You need to learn to obey, don’t you puppy?”

“Yes, master. I do.”

“Count, dumb pup.” I began to slap his ass. Each time he counted and thanked me. At 25, he was sobbing in pain and pleasure, rutting against my thigh. I pulled him up so he was straddling my lap. “Such a good boy, taking your punishment so well.” I praised him, making him smile at me lazily. “So I think my puppy deserves a reward?” Tae nodded excitedly so I pushed him down so he was kneeling on the floor.

I stroked his hair out of his face. “I want you to suck me off, pup.” I said, tugging on his hair gently. His hair was always curly and floppy, always soft to the touch. I stroked my fingers through it lazily as he played with the zipper on my pants, before tugging at them to pull them down. I quickly stood up and allowed him to pull them down with my boxers before I sat back down.

His eyes widened when I came into his eyeline, his mouth instantly watering. His hand cautiously reached out and wrapped around me, giving me a few strokes. I inhaled sharply and hissed at the feeling of his calloused palm wrapped around me. “No hands, baby. Just your mouth.” I said after a few seconds, batting his hand away. 

He set his hands on my thighs and sat up a bit so he was level with my dick. His mouth opened eagerly and before I knew it, the tip of my dick was engulfed in his warm, wet mouth. I tilted my head back and groaned, fingers tangling in his hair and tugging, earning some quiet moans from my puppy.

I looked down and saw his big eyes staring up at me as his mouth took more of me in. “Fuck, you look so pretty baby.” I cooed, tracing his lips that were stretched around me. “All stuffed full of my cock. I know you can take more though.” I gently pushed at his head, making him take more of me in until my tip hit the back of his throat. He gagged slightly as tears sprung from his eyes. “Now, you can stay just like that until Jungkook comes and then your real punishment can begin, hmm?”

Taehyung nodded, choking on my dick as it went further down his throat. “Careful pup. Don’t hurt yourself.” I said, wiping away the tears that were trailing down his face from the intrusion in his throat. He always looked so beautiful like this. 

After a couple of minutes, Jungkook came into the room, his mouth opening slightly as he took in the sight in front of him. “Hey bunny.” I said, beckoning him over. “Doesn’t TaeTae look so pretty?”

“TaeTae always looks so pretty, master.” Jungkook said, his voice barely a whisper. 

I took Jungkook’s hand and pulled him on the bed as I pushed Tae off of me. “Okay, here’s what is going to happen. Tae, puppy, you are going to sit on the other side of the bed and watch as I play with Koo until I decide that you can join us.” Taehyung nodded and scrambled to the other side of the bed, his cock hanging heavily between his legs, begging for release. It was a dark colour, signalling how desperate he was for release, but I wasn’t going to let him have it. Not yet. He got himself comfortable and was about to start stroking himself when I added the next part. “And no touching yourself, pup.”

Tae’s bottom lip started to wobble slightly. “Oh, please, master. Please. I need to cum so bad.”

I looked at him and smiled as I helped Kookie undress. “No, dumb pup. You’ve been naughty. You need to prove that you deserve it.”

Tae looked like he had been slapped. “O-Okay, master. I’ll be good.” He said, trapping his hands between his thighs and the mattress. Once I was sure that he wasn’t going to disobey my orders, I turned my attention back to a now naked Jungkook.

“Look at my beautiful boy.” I smiled as I stroked my hand down his chest, feeling his abs, before travelling down to his thighs to squeeze them gently. It was known that Jungkook had a thigh kink. He would always have to have his hands on someone’s thighs, squeezing them and sometimes sucking at them if we were having fun with each other. “He has such big thighs.” I bent my head down to suck at them, causing a whiny moan to spill from his parted lips.

“Master, please.” He looked at me with his doe eyes shining. 

“Please what, bunny? Do you want master to touch you here?” I traced my finger along his dick, earning a quiet groan from him. His dick was long and pretty, the mushroomed head a darker shade than the rest of it. It twitched as I traced the vein along it. I trailed my finger down to his ass. “Or here?” I circled his hole, earning a moan and a breathy yes from him.

I hooked his legs over my shoulders and wrapped my lips around his hole, stroking my tongue over his puckered hole, making him jolt forward slightly. “Ah, Master.” He moaned as I licked at him. He tasted musty and his shower gel and something that was distinctly Jungkook. I prodded at his hole with my tongue before pushing it into him, licking at his walls, coaxing high pitched whines and moans out of him. “Master, I’m so close.” Jungkook cried out, so I pulled away, leaving his hole shining with my saliva.

“Bunny, do you want me to stretch you out first, or can you take me?” I asked, as I kissed him, slipping my tongue into his mouth so he could taste himself on my tongue.

“I can take it, master.” Jungkook said eagerly. I nodded and kissed him again as I pushed my dick against his hole. The head pushed past the ring of muscle with some resistance until I was fully sheathed inside of him. “Ah,” Jungkook had his mouth open in pleasure, beautiful sounds spilling out of me as he adjusted to my size. “You’re so big master. You stretch me out so good. Feel so full.”

He was so warm, wrapped around me, and so tight. He was always tight no matter how often we fucked him, or with how many dicks he was fucked with at once. I moved my hips back before snapping them back in, causing the both of us to moan. Each thrust got faster and harder until Jungkook was a moaning mess, writhing around beneath me. 

There was a whimper from next to us and I looked up to see Taehyung, watching us while tears poured down his face. “Yellow.” Tae hated to be left out when he was in his subspace. He always had to be doing something and not just watching. “Master, please.” He begged when he saw me watching him. “Please, I’m sorry. Just let me join in.”

I looked at Jungkook who had been watching me and him carefully. “Shall we let him join us?” I asked the boy underneath me. He nodded eagerly.

“I wan’ him to ride me.” Jungkook requested. “While you fuck me.”

“Okay, bunny.” I said, stroking his hair. I pulled out of him carefully to get Tae and comfort him. “Hey, puppy, you’re okay. You took your punishment so well. Master is so proud of you.” I said, hugging him tight. “Such a good boy.” I kissed his lips gently as I wiped away his tears. “Especially for telling me you didn’t feel comfortable anymore.”

“Thank you, master.” Taehyung smiled at me, his eyes still slightly teary. I reached down and pumped him a bit, smearing his precum around his dick. 

“Look how wet you are, puppy.” I cooed as he crawled over to Jungkook. He leaned forward to kiss Jungkook. While he did this, I squirted some lube on my fingers and pushed two into him, making sure he was properly stretched out. I thrusted them into him for a bit before adding a third. Once I was sure he was ready, I nodded at him. “Go sit on Kookie’s cock baby.” I said. He lowered himself down slowly, causing both of them to moan loudly. Once Tae was fully seated, I pushed myself back into Kook, making him moan again. “How are you feeling, bun?”

“Feels s’ good.” Kookie said, looking kind of spaced. “Please, ‘m green.” I began to move inside him, making him grip onto Tae’s thighs and moan out loud. Tae began to bounce on his dick, moans coming out of his mouth. I reached around and started to stroke Tae’s dick in time to my thrusts inside Jungkook. Tae’s moans got louder and louder, signalling he was getting very close. I could feel my lower stomach tightening, signalling I was about to come.

“Master, I’m so close.” Jungkook whined, earning a noise of agreement from Tae.

“You can both come.” I allowed, stroking Tae even faster. He began to shake as Kookie began to buck up his hips due to how close he was. I knew Tae would come extra hard if I talked dirty to him, so I did. Jungkook was already close to cumming, but as soon as Tae came I would finish so I didn’t want him to be overstimulated by it all.

“Tae, puppy. Get off Kookie a second.” I said, tapping his bum which was now starting to bruise. Tae looked over his shoulder at me, looking as if he might cry. “You still get to come, puppy. I just wanna see you. Get back on Koo facing me.” I explained. Tae nodded and got off, turning himself around before lowering himself back down. I caught sight of his beautiful face, his mouth open and eyes squeezed shut as Jungkook’s cock split him open. “Now lie down so your back is against Koo’s stomach.” Tae obeyed and let him lie back. “Koo, bun, lift up his legs so I can see your dick going into his pretty hole.” Kook obeyed, wrapping his arms around Tae’s thighs and almost folding him in half. I almost came at the sight in front of me. Tae’s hole was so stretched around Jungkook’s cock, making it become slightly swollen.

I smirked at Tae before stroking around his hole and Kook’s dick with my thumb. “So pretty, puppy, letting bunny stretch you out like this. I bet you can’t wait for him to fill you with his cum, painting your insides white. Or maybe you’d like both of us in there. Imagine how it would feel, both of us splitting your pretty hole open, gaping you out so much all our cum would just come back out of you. Both of our cocks rubbing against your walls.” I reached out and began stroking his cock, seeing his face scrunch up and his body tense. He was right on the edge. “I bet it would make you come instantly. We’d have to maybe put a cock ring on you to stop you cumming too early. But you’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, master. I’d love it.” Tae was breathless. “Oh, I’m so close.” He whined, letting his head tilt back on Jungkook’s shoulder.

“But we’d have to stretch out your little hole even more.” I smiled, pushing my thumb into his hole alongside Kook’s cock. Tae let out a scream, his body going still.

“You sound so pretty, TaeTae.” Kook said, stroking up and down his thighs. “Bet you’re so wrecked down there.” He reached down and pushed one of his fingers into Tae, next to mine. “Master, can we plug my cum inside him?” Kook asked.

“Of course we can bunny.” I said. “But we need this puppy to cum first.” I looked at Tae, whose body was jerking. “Aww, look at him. He’s going to come so hard.” I stroked him even faster before leaning down and taking his entire length into my mouth. I sucked hard, hollowing out my cheeks. Tae let out a silent scream as he came hard, his body shaking with the force of his orgasm.

I swallowed some of his cum, loving the salty tang of it before leaning over him to kiss Kook, transferring some to his mouth. Kook moaned at the taste, making Tae whine. Of course he wanted to have some. I moved to kiss Tae, transferring the last of it to his mouth. His throat bobbed as he swallowed. 

“You’re such a cumslut, pup.” I chuckled, now starting to thrust hard into Kookie, chasing my own orgasm. Kookie’s breaths started coming out as short, high-pitched moans as his own orgasm drew nearer and nearer.

“I’m gonna cum, master.” Kookie warned as his hole clamped down on me, making me unable to move. The pulsing and constant contracting of his walls made me spill into him as he spilled into Tae. Both of us moaned as we released. I fell forward and leant my head on Tae’s stomach as I caught my breath. 

“Both of you did so good.” I said as I carefully pulled out of Jungkook. “Koo, do you want a plug?” The boy nodded so I moved over to my bedside table and pulled out one of the four plugs I had in there. One for each sub. I walked back over to the pair who were still connected to each other. I pushed the trail of cum that had come out of Kookie back into him and pushed the plug into him.

“And me!” Tae exclaimed. I chuckled and got his out of the drawer. 

“Alright, baby. Let’s get you off Koo, hmm?” I gently pulled him off Koo and pushed the plug into him. “How are you both feeling?” I asked, looking at both of them.

“Tired.” Tae replied.

“Good.” Jungkook replied at the same time. He had a sleepy smile plastered on his face. 

“Okay, that’s good. Tae baby, you gotta stay awake for a bit longer. I need to clean you up, and put some lotion on you.” I said, gently stroking his hair as he looked at me with his eyes half shut. 

He whined slightly, moving so he was sat on my lap. I could feel the plastic of the plug nestled between his ass cheeks pushing into my thigh.  “Can I have a bath?” He asked, his head laying on my shoulder. 

“Sure baby.” I said. “Do you and Koo want to have one together?” I looked at them both as they nodded their heads. “Alright babies.” I stroked Tae’s hair gently. “Let’s take these plugs out of you, okay?” Kook nodded and bent over slightly so I could pull it out of him. He hissed as his hole stretched around the bulbous plastic, followed by the dripping of my cum out of him. “Okay, KooKoo, why don’t you go and start the bath and I’ll get Tae ready.”

“Okay hyungie.” Jungkook pressed a quick kiss to my lips before padding into my adjoined bathroom and starting the bath. 

“Okay, Taebaby, I need you to stand up.” I said softly to the sleepy boy on my lap.

He groaned and looked up at me, his eyes narrowed. “Why?” He asked. 

“I need to take your plug out, love.” I said. “It’s going to hurt you later otherwise.” He opened his mouth to protest but I pressed a finger to his lips. “No buts baby, I’m taking it out.” I laid him down on the bed and gently pulled it out of him, allowing Jungkook’s cum to spill out of him.

“Want some.” Tae whispered, looking at me. I sighed and swiped some of the cum onto my fingers and let him suckle it off.

“Now, bath time.” I said, pulling him up so he was standing on his own two feet and leading him into the bathroom.

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A few hours later, we were all cuddled up in bed. I had had trouble falling asleep - the stress from losing all my work was still looming in the back of my mind. I had told my manager, but he must have been asleep when I sent the message. 

Tae hummed in his sleep as he curled into my side even more, Jungkook spooning him from behind. They both looked peaceful as they slept, not a hint of worry on their perfect faces. 

My phone began to buzz, cutting through the silent atmosphere like a hot knife through butter. I unwrapped Tae from around myself and sat up answering the phone. “Hello?” I asked in a hushed voice as I disentangled myself from the blankets.

“Yoongi-ah? I need those tracks by 8am in the morning. You’re going to have to keep working on them.” My manager said, sounding quite annoyed. My heart began beating faster as I felt the stress and anxiety begin to build back up inside of me. “You should have stayed later and fixed your mistake.” I slipped out of the room and closed the door.

“My mistake?!” I was pissed. It was not my fault that the systems crashed and deleted everything. Do I control all the computers at the company? No! If anything they should be badgering IT to see if they can recover some of the files. “The computers crashed as I went to save it. Can’t IT recover them? That is eight hours of work lost!”

“No they can’t. That’s why I’m calling. I need you to come in right now and try to redo them the same.” He requested. “I’m sorry about this, but I just need those otherwise you will miss the deadline and your mixtape will have to be delayed further.”

“I think we need to get better computers. Those ones are getting kind of old and slow.” I said. 

“Don’t blame the machinery Yoongi-ssi.” He said shortly. “Come in now or no mixtape this year. And you wouldn’t want to disappoint ARMY, would you?”

I scoffed. Now he’s guilt-tripping me. “I’ll be in in about half an hour. Let me get changed and get my stuff together.” I said.

“Okay, I’ll be waiting.” He hung up the phone and I let out a noise of frustration before going back into the room, closing the door as quietly as I could so I wouldn’t wake up the sleeping babies. I looked over at the bed and let a fond smile ghost over my face. Taehyung’s hair had now flopped in front of his face and his arms were outstretched to the spot where I had previously been sleeping.

I felt bad for leaving them alone, but I really didn’t have a choice. I walked into my wardrobe and pulled out a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants and quickly changed into them. I pulled on a beanie and grabbed my lyric books before grabbing a pair of shoes and sliding them on.

I must have been a bit too loud because there was rustling in the bed and I saw Taehyung patting around with his hand. He sat up and squinted at me sleepily. “Hyungie? Where you goin’?” His voice was heavy with sleep. “What time is it?”

“It’s early, love. Go back to sleep. I need to go in to the studio.” I said, walking over to him to kiss him goodbye. “Come on lie back down.”

“But you were there all day yesterday.” He complained, whining slightly.

“I know, baby, I know. But all my work got deleted so I need to go back in to redo it.” I said. “And if I don’t meet the deadline then my mixtape will get pushed back even further and that wouldn’t be fair to ARMY.”

“But these songs aren’t even for your mixtape! They’re blackmailing you!” Taehyung exclaimed. “I wanna come with you.”

“Baby, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” I said, pushing his hair back out of his face.

“No it is! I could help you, and you always say two brains are better than one. We can get it done faster.” He argued, sounding determined. “And we can tell Kookie so he won’t get confused when he wakes up. We can leave him a note. Pleaseeeeee.”

I sighed. “Okay, fine. But get dressed quickly.”

Y/N POV:

I shivered under some of the clothes as I lay on the bench. I was too scared to sleep. He could appear at any moment and drag me home to give me the beating of a lifetime, and this time he could actually kill me.

Every time I heard footsteps I would freeze and not move, hoping that it wasn’t him, and that if it was, he wouldn’t see me. It was getting colder though, and I knew I would have to move in order to keep myself from getting hypothermia. 

I knew there was one thing that would be able to calm me down, and it would also keep me warm. I rifled through my pockets, trying to locate my headphones. My fingers wrapped around the wire and pulled it out. I groaned. They were all tangled and knotted. I began to pick them apart, finally freeing the individual earbuds. I plugged it into my phone and scrolled through my music until I picked a song that I wanted to dance to. Spring Day. It cheered me up a lot, and I loved the dance.

The notes flowed through my body, twisting and turning to the tips of my fingers and the ends of my toes. My body moved like the waves in this ocean of music, bending and stretching at the crests and troughs. I loved it. As I danced, I allowed my thoughts to

I had started dance when I was three. My mother had insisted that I was going to be a prima ballerina, or a professional dancer in a company, so she had me enrolled in any kind of dance you could think of. Baby ballet, baby tap, baby jazz, baby contemporary, baby street dance, baby modern, baby music theatre. Most of my life was spent dancing. As I got older, she put me into singing, art and drama classes. I dropped some of the dance classes: tap, modern and jazz. I was happy.

Then came the arguments. My mother and father started arguing over the amount of money that was being spent on me. We were quite a well-off family, both of my parents has respectable jobs with a decent salary. Income was good, and there was even some wiggle room for nice holidays. That was, until my dad became addicted to alcohol and spent all of our savings on the drink until there was barely anything left. 

My mother had to put some away secretly just to be able to pay for bills and my extra curriculars. But he found out, and that’s when the arguments started. I was eight at the time. He would accuse her of not trusting him, and she would accuse him of being an alcoholic and how that wasn’t a good environment for me to be in. 

The arguing would last for at least three hours each night and would end with one of them storming out the house. Most nights it was my father - probably to get even more drunk. My mother would slam the door to their bedroom and dissolve into tears. I would hear her sobbing herself to sleep, but I was too scared to comfort her.

One day, after a year or so, my father stormed out that door and never came back. My mother said it was for the best; in my mind, though, it was my fault. I was the one who had all the dance lessons and singing lessons and drama lessons and art lessons. I was the one who was using all their money. He liked to tell me that when my mother would storm out. He also liked to hit me. When my mother found the bruises and cuts, she lost it. That was what caused the arguments to get worse.

Things got better after he left. My mother got happier, found a new boyfriend. He was nice, buying me the latest iPhone or laptop. We were all happy.

And then I met him. He was the perfect boyfriend: kind, loving, everything you would want. But that’s the thing about love. It’s blind. It would be a few months before I realised who he was behind the mask he put on everyday. I should have realised that the relationship was moving too quickly. He asked me to move in with him after we had been together for just three months. As soon as I set foot inside that house, the door locked behind me, and the key hidden somewhere I could never find it. 

After a couple of weeks, the verbal abuse started. The name calling and insults and threats over something unimportant, like slightly burnt potatoes. I brushed it off as something normal. After all, it was my fault. I was the one who turned the oven up too high. 

Then came the physical abuse. At first it started off as slaps and small beatings, but it eventually lead up to him getting out his belt and whacking it across my face every night before beating me up with his fists. I don’t know what exactly caused him to do it. Sometimes he said it was me looking at another man, and other times it was just because of my presence. Either way, it was my fault and I deserved them. 

I tried to leave him. But he caught me, and I almost ended up in hospital from the force of his beating. My skin was mottled blue and purple for weeks. It was then I started self-harming. It was my fault.

I twirled as the song came to an end, catching sight of a figure standing in the shadow of the trees. My breath hitched in my throat. Had he found me? If he had, he was going to kill me for sure. 

Yoongi POV:

Just as I had thought Tae had fallen asleep on my couch, bundled up in my hoodie about an hour after we arrived at the studio. We had already retrieved the majority of the songs though.

He had got to work immediately, perching on my lap as he sang the demo song over the backing music, which thankfully I had saved. I loved Taehyung’s voice - it was deep and sultry, which was actually something that contrasted greatly to his personality he showed in private. After we’d been working for about fifty minutes, he began to yawn, curling up and leaning against my shoulder, watching me put together the backing tracks and the vocals and moving things around to create the songs. His favourite was ‘Black Swan’. 

“‘M sleepy, hyungie.” He mumbled against my collarbone.

I reached up and stroked his hair gently. “You can go and sleep on the couch. I’m almost done, baby.” He looked up at me through sleepily squinted eyes.

“You sure? I think I can stay awake a bit longer?” He said, yawning again. When he yawned he sometimes looked like a baby puppy. 

“No, baby, you’re tired.” I said, rubbing his back. “Go on, do you want my hoodie?” I asked.

“Mhm.” He nodded his head. He slid off my lap and made grabby hands at my hoodie. I pulled it off, leaving me in my white v-neck top, and handed it to him. He pulled it on and lay down on the couch, closing his eyes and almost instantly falling asleep. I smiled at him fondly before turning back to my work.

I only had one song left to do - my solo song on the album. I searched through my files, only to realise that my work on it had all disappeared. I groaned and saved everything before shutting my computer down. I needed to go for a quick walk to clear my head. I turned to look at Tae, who was curled on the couch in a deep sleep. The park I would go to to clear my head is only a five minute walk away from here. I would be thirty minutes tops. He wouldn’t wake up hopefully, and if he did, I was only a phone call away. 

I grabbed my extra hoodie and pulled on my jacket, gently closing the door to my studio. I walked out of the building and made my way to the park.

It was cold outside. The air bit at my exposed cheeks and nose as I walked. I pulled a mask on to insulate them. The park was calming and whenever I went there, it was quiet and if there was anyone there, they were elderly and didn’t know who I was. 

I walked through the gate of the park, pushing the squeaky barrier open. It appeared deserted, which wasn’t surprising considering that it was four am. But I still kept my guard up; you never know what crackheads will be around.

I was walking through the trees towards my favourite thinking bench when I saw her. She was dancing to some very familiar choreography. I stopped in my tracks. She was a beautiful dancer. I watched, awestruck as she flawlessly twirled and flipped and turned. It was then I recognised it. It was Jimin’s choreography in Spring Day. She must be a fan. She twirled one last time and stopped, facing me. Her face twisted into a look of terror as she ran to gather her things. On the bench I noticed, was a backpack and a pile of clothes.

“Wait!” I yelled after her, chasing her to talk to her. It was clear that something was troubling her, and I wanted to help her, not caring that she was an ARMY. “Let me help you! Please!” I caught up to her at the bench, where she had slightly calmed down. As soon as we made eye contact, something strange happened. All the greyscale colours in my world that I had grown used to melted away. My eyes were filled with dark greens and blues, clearly because of the darkness, but the moonlight shone down on her.

She was breath-taking. Her hair was a shiny, vibrant, Y/H/C, and her eyes shone like Y/E/C gems. She was holding her breath in surprise, probably recognising who I was.

“You’re Min Yoongi.” She said. “You’re my soulmate. This can’t be happening.” She was shocked and confused.

But I didn’t know what to do. Now that I had found my soulmate, did that mean I had to leave the others? We had never discussed the possibility of this happening. I looked at the girl in front of me and decided that I couldn’t leave her. Not like this. She looked scared, and from the looks of things, she was homeless. I had to look after her. And I swore to myself that I would. Until the end of time.

#angst #fluff #yoongi x reader #moonlight #soulmate au #bts poly #bts ot7 #lil meow meow yoongi #switch!jin #dom!yoongi #dom!namjoon #dom!hoseok #sub!taehyung #sub!jungkook #sub!jimin

[polishtamales]

It Started with the Hawkeye Initiative & Ended with Safespace & Snowflake: GAME OVER

This is how the comic book industry dies. Or is it a dawn of self-publishing?

If it wasn’t for years of horrific ad sales, it was definitely insulting the vast majority of it’s consumer base. Or more specifically for Marvel’s case, CATERING AN ENTIRE MARKET THAT DOESN’T BUY COMICS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Regardless of intentions, YOU CANNOT MAINTAIN A BUSINESS OF CONSTANTLY FLIPPING OFF YOUR FANS AND EXPECT THEM TO PAY YOU FOR YOUR VIRTUE SIGNALING.

There’s a difference between being progressive with fiction and being a radical activist for the sake of retweets and likes, followed by a selfie for more self-esteem boosts. In a society where there’s no turning back from capitalism, money is your God, whether it’s right or wrong. You could suddenly be hit with a car and you better damn respect that the more money you have, the more likely everything will be fine afterwards. It pays the bills, it puts food on the table, and you better understand, it’s not going to change, outside of an act of God or Aliens simply invading our planet and enslaving humanity. Your pick.

It’s no secret that working in comics sucks, regardless of country. The pay is bad, the deadlines are killer and it has always been the least practical way of storytelling for a mass market, especially in America. Case in point, you don’t really need a colorist, a letterer or anything else, outside of a distributor (RIP DIAMOND). Anyone with a graphic design degree knows, you can easily be a one-man publisher without the need of an entire crew of mouths to feed. Not saying it wouldn’t be helpful, but given the future economy, it will be the norm.

See, the old buzz word of digital publishing really is a big deal, especially when it comes to the incoming job market change. No longer can you simply “specialize” in just one area of expertise, but you will be expected to fill in multiple roles to be successful. Even if time is against you in certain projects, it is entirely possible to save more money by just doing everything yourself. Here are the major hurdles and solutions to creating a new comic in the new landscape of comics next year:

1. STORY - This is where EVERYONE gets it wrong. Do not follow the trend of  IDW publishing by planning out an ENTIRE world building graphic novel that will span DECADES.

Stick to what exactly you’re good at telling. Tell a short story. Polish every line of dialog. Make it shorter. Polish every line of dialog, make it shorter.

Third and most important advice is leave politics out of your story, unless it is about politics. Most older women buy trashy romance novels to escape their shitty sex life. Most middle-aged men by comics for the tits and ass and possibly the articles? Again, all ways of escape reality, yet you have Marvel comics for years that kept interjecting real world politics and views in their titles. Trust me when I say this, less than 10% of the United States is on Twitter. That means most people could give two fucks and a shit about Trump, Biden or Bearnie, BELIEVE OR NOT. So when most of America retreats after a long day of work and not TWITTER, they are spending money on things to make their lives tolerable. Being told Orange Man Bad is not one of those things, nor is bringing up Obama, again and again. Don’t make market assessments based on social media, leave politics out of your comic. Additionally, learn about basic story telling and especially learn from other mediums outside of comics. Films and actual books will teach you a lot about pacing. You can learn basic writing skills by taking a community college course or higher. The goal and mindset should be to be humbled and not a place to be bitter when you get criticism.

2. ART - KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. If you’re catering towards a WOKE AS FUCK CROWD OF TRUMP HATING LIBERALS, make sure you book will actually sell and not retweeted... Simply collecting a check and going unemployed for months on end is not an actual goal in life, much less beg your followers for coffee money. Example, see the animation industry.

Art is your mode of presentation, the book cover (not literally), the point of sale. If you want to cater towards a crowd of people of color, who happen to be gay, trans, and dealing with PTSD, etc, then make fucking sure your art matches with the story. You cannot have “tumblr” artists doing action intensive comics, where they spend more time creating people of color of diverse identity politics, than learning to draw a simple choreographed action sequence. You can’t have an action comic with ONLY 2 small panels of action to sell your comic. Again, no shame or secret to point out that the VAST majority of comic sales are made off of issue #1s and tits and ass. Disposable income of middle-aged men cannot be underestimated, regardless of what cherry pick data you want to argue with. The older you get, the less progressive and liberal most Americans become as well. That’s called “reality” of real politics. So my advice, if you’re into action comics, learn to draw action, learn about the demography that buys those titles and don’t interject your politics in it, especially if you want to put food on the table. I’m not telling anyone to suddenly put Trump as the “good guy” president, but I am telling you that you shouldn’t include real world politics in your comic. You’re not offending either side of the political spectrum, IE, you’re not insulting your customers.

If you want to make a rom-com comic like Archie, sure those years of learning tutorials off of tumblr might pay off, but again, know your audience. Archie continues to sell steadily with a profit from the boomer generation, white women (vast majority), Christians, etc. Don’t expect your rom-com comic of a gender-less trans-protagonist that may or may not want to be dependent relationship with another person of color. You see where I’m getting with that? You’re welcomed to write and draw a book like that, but don’t expect anyone to buy it. Getting your book retweeted by your favorite SJW, doesn’t mean sales, it just spells virtue signaling for them.

My advice in the art category is DIVERSIFY your portfolio. Don’t just learn off tumblr. That boat has sailed and failed, as seen with every sale of tumblr picked artists at Marvel. Go out there (when the virus gets under controlled) and learn to draw from life. Don’t worry about gender, people of color, none of that stuff. Draw stuff that you actually care about and not for political points with your peers. If you wanna draw short men struggling to open a can of coke, then draw. If you wanna draw hot women, draw hot women. You wanna draw a cute tennis player with short shorts and looks like Swedish male model, then pack some sun screen. You’re not looking to be judged, you’re not looking for internet points of how woke you are. You are simply expanding on things that interest you and how it will indirectly help you grow.

Think Mr. Miyagi, but do it 80,000 times. You’ll master drawing short men struggling to open cans of soda!

When creating the art, DO NOT THINK ABOUT COLORING. It is way more profitable to create BW comics than color. Not only do you save money printing, but the amount of time you free up helps you to micromanage yourself better.

3. DIGITAL PUBLISHING - You don’t need anyone else if you have a computer and some basic digital programs. Once you understand how to write a short story, present marketable characters, then you’re set. The only enemy is time.

Learn Adobe Illustrator and Photoshop for art. Learn Adobe Indesign for lettering, page layouts, etc. A few talks with a local printer and you can independently self-publish any book.

So to sum things up, learn to self-publish, respect your readers and the politics/baggage that industry houses and understand that things revolve around money. If you want to be a stereotypical far-left wing tumblr artist that wants to create a superhero of a trans-black girl/binary that may or may not want to be involved in a relationship with another binary/trans person, which could be their sister/brother/internet gas, then by all means make that comic. It won’t be profitable nor will it sell compared to other titles, but I guess you can’t claim victim-hood without a self-afflicting handicap and an arrow to the kneecap.

After all, Marvel’s done it for years without profitability and look where the industry is headed towards... This was all pre-Covid-19 mind you. The virus, if anything, is just the nail on the coffin after Diamond distributors quit. The comic industry might be dead, but books as a medium will never die.

[rogueblxde]

hey ! leave me alone. - it’s not a venting post, it’s my Akali rant adhfaskfh

so what is Akali’s story in the k/da / TD universe? it’s short and really simple: born in a clan (of sorts), studied and educated in martial arts, ran away when she was about 18 years old, deciding to leave the old ways behind, and began to actively search for her place in the world by expressing herself with her exceptional rapping skills, acrobatics and street art. key word “street”. quickly became a street star, went viral on various streaming services more than once, was mostly enjoying this sort of carefree (emphasis on free) life that she was living for herself, not for someone else. then got invited to join the new ambitious project as the leading rapper, and exploded.

worldwide famous. the prodigy girl, the hip-hop ninja, incredible flow, the sarcastic cool type, the neon demon – listen, there were many names. many cameras in her face as well. many eyes watching the new super bright star, the need to keep up her cool and laid back persona – you know, the industry is merciless and unforgiving. so are the fans, which can change sides just as quickly as they fell in love with you. and then True Damage as her one and only passion project, attempting to go back to her roots, the street performers, diamonds in the rough, free from labels and the pressure of the agencies, ready to make music how they see fit.

and what do people usually get for something bold like this? ha-ha, that’s right, a lot of hate.

now let’s break it down a little.

Akali’s actual personality is not entirely different from her k/da persona, but there’s still a spin of “I’m so dangerous, edgy and awesome” that spreads through her rapping all the way into the MV and their performances, actually going even further to the photosets and red carpets, interviews and all that. she has a label – a snarky cool girl, who doesn’t like heels and prefers heavy sneakers, which is also something you wouldn’t see often in modern k-pop. (the industry irl is so toxic it’s unbelievable it’s still so freaking huge, ok) it’s still a label, and even though she’s comfortable with being the rebel one, there are still standards to be met in the huge gatherings of idols. how do you think people look at the group with three gorgeous girls and a gremlin? kdfha it’s a joke, all of them are gorgeous, but it’s clear which one of them would never wear heels, even if she was held at a gunpoint.

of course, at first everything negative is ignored. Akali values her opinion and maybe opinions of her new k/da friends, trusting Ahri’s leadership, Eve’s advice, clinging to Kai’Sa who is just as new in that as she is. she’s talented and popular, they score a perfect all-kill with their first song, their life is… crazy. it’s too much to bear, honestly. interviews, social media stuff, promotions, ads, plus working on something new – except… where’s working on something new? does k/da just cease to exist after a great score? why weren’t the given the opportunity to do more? why can’t they write more music? Akali lives through her rap, she loves writing music, loves writing words, and she knows other girls love to perform too – but with all the campaign bullshit she’s lost in the tornado of crazy schedules. and there’s no time to do something she actually wants to do, enjoys to do, AND she’s getting judged on the way she looks, dresses, that she’s too muscular/slim/not slim enough. ramen? ew, a girl should stop eating. where’s her make up? why is she boyish? she’s not elegant to be an idol. why don’t she just leave?

now, obviously, all four of them were probably receiving stuff like that, and it needs to be ignored. it’s shitty that people like that exist, and sad that they think it’s ok to tell someone what they should and shouldn’t do.

at this point, what do we have? overwhelming success, a perfect persona to play constantly, since it’s campaign time, no windows to do something they enjoy. isn’t it hard? hell fucking yes it’s hard. it takes a toll on health, both physical and mental, and it’s honestly that period in her life when Akali gets her first “actual” anxiety attack. what should she do, how should she behave, what if she does something stupid, huh, what if she trips, oh, her appearance will be ruined, no? rapping becomes hard. mistakes, slurs, words not flowing as efficiently. she is deprived of one of the few things she actually enjoys because they are pushed into certain patterns of how an idol should behave.

so what does she do? as pathetic as it may sound, the only thing she succeeded with. she runs away from the popular group, she tries to find her feelings for the music again. I imagine all of the girls have their own apartments plus the ‘dorm’ of sorts, where all of them can live, and in her own apartment Akali has a studio, where she is learning to mix tracks and use samples and all that. it’s her little safespace, and if she’s not napping in her bag chair next to the balcony in her living room, she’s most probably locked in the studio again. that’s where the idea for True Damage actually hit her for the first time – she was listening to one of Yasuo’s tracks while trying to understand how to mix it properly. at the time it seemed like a great idea – re-ignite her own love for music with collaborating with amazing street stars? and, let’s be real, it was a great collab – filled with passion, filled with talent, right?

yet one of the most frequently asked questions was “did she leave k/da”.

and yes, this one is based purely from my own irl experience with everyone who was judging Akali for “leaving kda”. I’ve had quite a few people talk shit at me, the mun, about my character leaving a 2d musical group, how would you like that, lmao. so I’m implementing this.

which leads to receiving even more fame. and more hate. “finally she left”. “ugh what a rat”. “lol she’s nothing without the group”. and she would’ve been able to take it, but because she tried to do something she was passionate about, her project was overlooked simply because “it’s that girl who ditched the group that made her famous”. and the best one yet – “of course she needs more talented people to carry her now”.

you can be strong as fuck, nerves of steel and all, but when there are eyes of millions of people upon you, you begin to crumble. it’s hard, it’s tough, it’s something you either give in to, or find strength to go through, finding more and more reasons to keep going. either it’s your passion, your fanbase, your friends, your family – quite literally, anything to show you how you’re not a failure and you don’t actually know what people think of you.

now, one of the things from my own experience with depression is that I’m constantly feeling down because I think someone hates me. or I think they want to replace me, or that they laugh at me, etc. etc. it’s really hard to break out of this cycle of thoughts, you are just constantly going back to putting your thoughts into someone else’s behavior without actually thinking that it might be completely wrong. and it’s hard as it is with just my circle of people – and when there was no one around you and all of a sudden there are millions? yeah, that shit hits hard. very, very hard.

Akali is still a strong girl. she knows she will get through this shit and comeback with something incredible to rub it into everyone’s faces, or not – maybe she’ll show her honest self, give her honest opinions and drop f bombs on the trends of the industry.

but for now she’s just nowhere to be found, hiding in her studio, and not giving two shits about anything. projects? haha. practice? haha. she covers her favorite rap tracks just because she feels like it, because the lyrics speak to her. she will come back eventually.

exhibit a / exhibit b.

#tw social anxiety #tw anxeity #tw depression #negative #i hope that's enough triggers for yall #but yeah basically #it's hard to suddenly become popular #you're not ready for the amount of judgement that's happening #and if you're not good with zoning it out #you will eventually give in to it #and everything you do won't be good for you anymore #it's kinda like this with the blogs too - since it's a hot topic again #you never know what other people think of you #but if you are depressed you automatically expect the worst #which is not the case almost alway #Akali is like this in a way #especially after TD #『✫ you ready for this? ☯ (modern verse.) 』 #『✫ too fast for shadows. ☯ (headcanon.) 』

[xluckytheninjax]

Finally: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIGHT!

@ut-stuff

First off,happy b-day ya nerd. I hope you had an amazing day, and that you stay as cool,amazing and great as you’ve always been.As I told you before,I decided on writing you a oneshot and adding some sketches to that.Got some angsty fluff.

Sorry that this took longer to post.A lot of it got deleted ramdomly {I fell asleep writing} and I had to rewrite it.So,you’re gonna see this a lot later than I wanted to post it.This is almost 4000 words,if you were curious.I’ll post the drawings tomrrow {It’s a pic of G,and then Doc/Underswap!Undyne’s gift she gave Nyx in the story}.

It’s a ton of text so it’ll be under ‘Keep Reading’

It was a special day for the Chicago Dedsec chapter.The year started out rough,with the death of one of the other members.The death is still fresh in everybody’s minds,and G and Nyx made sure the assholes who were responsible met their ends as quick as possible.This was another occasion,though.G had been planning for weeks on end,making sure everything is ready.It was his partner’s birthday.Nyx had been his partner for a good year,and they made him happy beyond belief.During their little trip to Paris,they realized that they were much more than just partners.Definitely more than just partners.

For the special occasion,the two jumped on a plane and flew to San Francisco,and they’d stay there from Wednesday to Saturday evening.Sunday afternoon they would go back home.G chose this location because of all the interesting things to see in between all the hipster and punk culture,the scenery,and of course,so Nyx could meet the San Francisco chapter.With Mettaton’s help he managed to book a pretty big room in a fancy hotel,similar to how he got them a room at a resort type thing in Paris.There was a promise that the two wouldn’t have to deal with any work-related things,and that the bunch from San Francisco would deal with anything and everything related to well…work. Up until Friday evening, Nyx and G went on a variety of adventures. They went to different shops,different locations pinpointed by the ScoutX app,late afternoon drives,lazing on the couch at the hotel,even trolled some big CEOs and messed with cranes.Unlike Chicago,which just switched over to ctOS 2.0 because of them and the rest of Chicago’s DedSec group,San Francisco switched to ctOS 3.0.The reason being,to put it simply,San Francisco’s fairly large DedSec group.

Friday night,G decided on finally taking Nyx to meet the main group who saved his ass during his time there.He would never admit it to his partner,but he found himself in quite the predicament and if it weren’t for the group,he wouldn’t be as alive as a monster of his type could be.The Hackerspace,as they called it,was in the basement of a tabletop game shop.Lots of graffiti on the walls and roof on the way down.Nyx admired the art,it was well done.They tried remembering everything G told them about the gorup.They also suffered the loss of a group member,and like their loss back in Chicago,it was hard to get over.There are two groups worth of people inside,since the other group’s Hackerspace is currently getting renovated.When they stepped on the last step,they got tackled by something short and blue.Their first reaction would normally be to flip who or whatever it is,but they knew it wouldn’t be hostile.It was a safespace afterall.“HELLO THERE HUMAN.I,THE MAGNIFICENT SANS,HEARD IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY SOON.” They looked down to see a short skeleton.He had what looked like freckles under his eyesockets,and had big bright blue eyes to match his bright blue scarf.He had a huge grin,with a slight gap between the middle two teeth.“Hey shortstack,better stop clinging to Dollface over there,” G muttered,“Before I bury you six feet under."Nyx looked up to where he was,nowhere close to amused.They already liked this new friend."It’s really not an issue…”

“Blue,down.”

Next to G there was a tall sea-dragon monster.He had four eyes,horns,and webs similar to Undyne’s on both sides of his face.He had his arms crossed,holding a cigarette in one claw. “Sorry Xero,” the small skeleton murmured,letting go of them.The skeleton looked up at the human,“Sorry for almost tackling you.I just get very excited when we have vistors…. Especially when that visitor has a birthday coming up.” Nyx smiled,“It’s alright.” “I am the magnificent Sans,but,I get called Blueberry or Blue to avoid confusion.Consider me the welcome committee.” G slowly made his way back to stand next to his partner.He became really protective over them after what happened back home,so there weren’t any exceptions.Blue took a step back and started introducing everyone.“We aren’t normally this many,but after Prime Eight attacked one of the Hackerspaces,they had to come here while things get renovated and repaired.Some of the other Chicago members are also visiting.The main group living here doesn’t have a leader per se,but they have someone that acts like one.She’s out on a mission with another member,though.Maybe you’ll meet them before you guys leave.” He started pointing out who is who,and Nyx tried their best to remember every name.Thinking about it,they realized that Dedsec has a lot of skeleton members.There’s only one that matters,though.The other group from Chicago visiting was lead by M'lady,as Mutt called her.She was also a Toriel,and their group did cleanups and dealt with the lowest of the low.

—— While just casually socializing,drinking some sodas and alcohol,the entrance to the Hackerspace slid open in a sense that it sounded like it was being broken down.Out of instinct everyone took out a gun of sorts,pointing it at the stairs.“GUYS WE JUST HAD A-Why are you guys pointing guns at the stairs?”

Down the stairs came yet another skeleton,and by the looks of it,he looked a lot like G.They seemed to have more or less the same body structure,posture, and the other one wore a fluffy hooded jacket similar to the one G has,just more punk.The difference was,he wore some sort of mask that covered his whole face,causing his voice to sound like that of a robot from some cliche sci-fi movie,so they weren’t sure just how much the two looked the same.After him came the leader of sorts Blue mentioned.Nothing out of the ordinary.Introductions followed,then it went back to random chatter. —

About an hour later, Doc showed off the new Dedsec video about the so-called amazing car Blume bragged about.Apparently the car scans your face,and if it predicts an accident,it’ll base whether you should be kept alive or if the other person should be kept alive on the amount of money you make,your occupation,gender,whether you are human or monster,and your insurance.Edge and Mickey explained that between them,the car was more prone to get into accidents with Edge at the wheel.It was self-driven,talked,and it was difficult to reconfigure it.

It was then that G decided that they should start heading back to the hotel,before it got extremely late.He had a lot planned for the next day,and both of them would have to get enough sleep if they were going to make it through everything.He stood up quietly,“Whelp,I think that Dollface and I should start heading back to the hotel.Big day tomorrow.” Hearing that they were going to leave,Blue almost tackled Nyx again,and held onto their leg like a small child.“Don’t leeeeeaaaave.” Nyx gave him a pat on the head,trying their best to get loose from his grasp,“I have to,hun.I promise we’ll visit again.But that means I have to go now.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Blue let go,and scrambled back to his feet.“Before you go…we got some gifts for you since you guys probably won’t come back before you leave.” Nyx looked at G,who just shrugged,“If we have time tomrrow,we might make a visit before heading to the airport.”

“Just in case you can’t….can you open the presents here,pleeease?”

Nyx couldn’t believe their eyes.They didn’t know skeletons could pull off puppy faces.It made their heart melt,and they turned to G,pulling the same face.“Can we stay a little longer,just so I can open the gifts?” G sighed,“Fine.”

Xero was the first one to hand them a gift.Opening it,it was a brand new phone.Before he could say anything,Blue explained about the phone.“The main group decided that you’re probably going to need a phone with the newest tech.This thing’ll have no issues hacking into ctOS 2.0 stuff,like you guys have back home.It also has the ability to hack ctOS 3.0 things like we have here,and,it has more fuctionality.Now you can hack even more stuff! Cars,laptops,alarms, cranes,forklifts,robots,you’re even gonna be able to control two of the other gifts if ya don’t have your laptop at hand.” Next Edge handed them a gift from him and Mickey.It was an RC rover,skeleton-Dedsec decals,complete with the ability to drop explosives,speed boost,ability to jump,and it has some teases for distractions.It can do physical hacks,and normal hacks,and could be controlled by laptop or phone.Mark,one of the only humans from the other group,gave them the next gift.It was a drone,with more or less the same functionality as the rover.It couldn’t do physcial hacks,and obviously didn’t have the ability to jump,but it could hold more explosives than the rover.“For those hard to reach places where the rover can’t go.We know it’ll come in handy. ” Blue handed Nyx a hoodie,mask and shoulderbag.“I litterally got Doc to design a special hoodie for you.My brother designed the shoulderbag and bandanna thing for you,” he grins.Stretch gave a nod,“Y'see,that bag is magical.It’s much bigger on the inside than on the outside,so you can put a lot of stuff in there…laptop,rover,drone,even your guns if you really wanted.” This amazed Nyx,“I know what I’m gonna wear tomorrow.” Lastly Doc handed them a folded piece of paper.“I know it’s not much,but,if you guys do end up coming over again before heading to the airport,it’ll be much more than you think…that being said,please don’t look at this until Sunday morning.” They gave a nod,“Alright.”

The group came closer to bid their farewells.“I want to thank all of you for the gifts,they’re all amazing.I really hope we can come back here tomorrow before we head back to Chicago,” Nyx smiled.They were standing next to G,getting hugs from a lot of the members.Blue gave them a tight hug,“Promise you’ll visit again?”

“Yes.”

Mutt,one of the tallest of the monsters,came over and rubbed Nyx’s head,then went back to his spot in the crowd.it was random,but Nyx learned how he did things in the few hours that they were there.“Well,it was nice seeing you all again.It’s good to see it’s still going strong here.We’ll definitely visit again,” G announced,taking their hand.Like lightning,before they could head up the stairs,they were almost tackled again.This time not by Blue,but by Razz and Blackberry,who argued about who of the two should give them a goodbye hug first.G gave a slight growl at the two,then raised what seemed to be a brow at Nyx,“You really have an ability to attract short skeletons,don’t you?”

A slight blush crept up their face,“I guess?” Syrup grumbled,grabbing the two by their collars and taking them back,“Sorry about these two.Real boneheads,don'tcha think?” They gave a nod,and G shook his head.With that they left,and went back to their hotel.

From an unmarked location down under,in the dangerous streets of San Francisco,there was a group of monsters.A king cobra,a bear,a skeledragon,a hippie beast,a gorilla and a Chinese dragon.They were sitting at a large table,watching.Who you might ask? The one and only vigilante who messed with the gangs and took it too far,erasing more than half their numbers.They all came together,forming a temporary alliance until this threat was eliminated.“Ssshould we strike now? While they’re tired and vulnerable?”  the snake murmured,playing with his knife.“No,not yet.Ve strike tomorrow.Lenni told us that he plans on taking this human on a date tomorrow evening,” the bear muttered.He had a thick Russian accent,which made it slightly difficult for the rest to understand.“Tomrrow night,ve strike,and ve take vhat is closest to him…that human.”

“We use the human for bait,and when he comes to the rescue,we capture him,and kill him,” grinned the skeledragon.“No,you idiot.Ve don’t kill him just like that.Ve vill break the human,and vhile he is off-guard,ve torture him.”

“And then we kill both,right?”  the other dragon chimed in.“Yes.”

“I will have my boys ready to capture the human,” she says,“And I’ll have mine ready to distract him long enough,” the gorilla adds,“And mine’ll be ready to ambush his ass when he gets here,” the hippie beast snickers.The bear grinned,“Good.And if all else fails,ve’ll snap that bag of bones vithout hesitation.”

G and Nyx ended up falling asleep cuddling on the couch in their room,and when morning came,G was up first.He made sure to not wake them just yet.With some skill learned from Toriel,Papyrus and Undyne,he managed to cook an excellent breakfast for them,and thus,woke them up with breakfast in bed….on couch? The thought is what counted.After getting ready,the two went off on a scavenger hunt G,with the help of the others,put together.At each point there was some sort of gift,along with a riddle to the next location.From flowers,to teddybears,to all kinds of amazing things like a Percy Jackson t-shirt and a plushie of Toothless.It took the whole day to finish it.They even got to use their new phone to hack into the systems of cranes to the end of the hunt.

“A rooftop dinner?”

When Nyx turned around to look at G,he was wearing the outfit he wore to that undercover mission with the auction.“Of course,Love.What would such a wonderful day be without some cliche dinner?” he grinned,taking their hand and leading them to the table.Candle lit,with nice decorations such as flowers and fairylights.There was a nice view of the ocean on one side,and on the other side all the city lights.It made their heart melt,and their cheeks turn bright red.“This has been a really amazing day G…I can’t thank you enough…Never have I done so much on my birthday.” Before they sat down,they gave G a peck on the cheekbone.“It’s nothing,really.I would do literally anything for you.”

Dinner was going well.The two were laughing at their shenanigans,talking about everything they’ve been through together.It was then that G got a call.He stood up,telling them that he would be right back.The call was strange,and the person talking was speaking all sorts on nonsense.Nyx was watching him,wondering what the problem was.The next moment a monster came up behind them,and before they could react,like a really cliche movie,the monster covered their nose and mouth with some sort of chemical on it.Things started going blurry,and the last thing they saw,was another monster slamming G against the head with a crowbar.

G woke up an hour later with a huge crack in his skull and some of his blood on his face.He got up slowly,trying to remember what happened.The place was trashed.His eyesockets widened,realising that Nyx was gone.Panic filled him from skull to toe,and he started looking around,looking for anything that could tell him where they were.While picking up the table,since it was flipped over,he found a small piece of cloth on the ground,covering something.He couldn’t smell,since he technically didn’t have a nose,but he knew what it was.Idiots have tried knocking him unconcious with that trick,but it didn’t work since he’s a skeleton.He shoved it aside,revealing a phone.It wasn’t his partner’s.He hacked into it with his phone,and the first thing to pop up was a recording.Didn’t have to think twice to listen to it.

“G'ello.Ve meet again,skeleton vigilante.Ve didn’t take it kindly vhen you killed a lot of our people the first time you showed your face here in San Francisco.Ve Bratva don’t appreciate you barging in vith your DedSec friends and commiting manslaughter under my people because you think you’re doing the right thing.

My friends don’t appreciate it either.So,ve decided that if you show your pathetic face here again,ve’d show you vhat we think of you.Ve are going to break vhat’s closest to you,then get rid of you completely.That being said,ve have your puny human friend.Follow these coordinates and give yourself up.The clock is ticking.If you don’t give yourself up,ve will kill the human,and then,ve will come kill you and the rest of your friends.”

It was followed up with directions where G presumed they were keeping Nyx.The Bratva teamed up with not only Prime_Eight,but the Sons of Ragnarok,Tezcas,580’s and the Auntie Shu boys.He made haste to get down from the rooftop.He couldn’t tell the others,otherwise he would put their lives in big danger.This meant he was going to go solo.If he was going to barge in there,he was going to need weapons.Luckily for him,every Hackerspace had a 3D printer that printed weapons,and even luckier,there was a Hackerspace nearby.Without explaining to the DedSec members there,he got himself a sniper rifle,stungun,pistol, decoy pistol and an assult rifle.While racing to the location,he had to think of a plan.What was he going to do? If he made one wrong move,they would kill them,then him,then the others.He wasn’t equipped with the right gear to go in guns blazing,neither was he equipped to go in stealthy.He couldn’t try fixing this with magic or hacking his way through,because that would end up the same as going in shooting everyone.The only thing to do,was to give himself up.Thank the lord for magic pockets to hide all his guns.He kept the decoy pistol with him,since he knew they were going to tell him to give his gun,and going in without any would be suspicious.

He ended up in Chinatown.Seems their hideout was at the abandoned swimmingpool where he fought the Auntie Shu boys before.He cautiously got out of the car,looking around for snipers or anything indicating an ambush.He saw cameras following him as he walked.So this is how it’s gonna work. He stopped in front of the door,and placed the decoy.Afterwards,he lifted his hands up in surrender,and slowly backed away.Two 580 members came out of the shadows,and in stead of kicking their asses,he didn’t move at all.He was expecting to just be tied up and taken inside,but instead,he got tazed,leaving him unconcious again and then tied up.

After yet another unsuspected nap,G woke up to find himself tied to a chair with chain,a single light shining on him.In the darkness there lurked someone he thought he would never see again.It was the leader of the Bratva,Vladimir. “Where are they?” he yells,looking up at the evil in front of him. “Your partner?They’re safe for now,but not for long. I’ll deal with them when I’m done with you,” Vlad grins,pushing a button on a remote. A large screen flickered on,showing an image that gave G even more reason to murder him. Nyx was tied to a wall,various bruises and blood covering them. They were knocked out,and by the look on their face,they were in a lot pain.“Should’ve thought twice about going out on a date vhen the g'hole vorld is against you,” the bear smirked,grabbing his chin.The rest of the gang leader appeared,all having the exact same evil smirk as Vladimir.“They put up quite the fight,I musssst ssssay,” the Tezca leader,Raul,hissed,rubbing his eye.G wanted to snicker seeing the black eye Nyx gave him,but he couldn’t.Rage filled him more than amusement did.“We should move him into the same room as the human,and when they wake up,one can watch as the other gets tortured,” Prime_Eight leader Lenni grinned.The others gave nods in agreement,and with the snap of a finger by Auntie Shu,two gang members picked the chair up and followed the leaders to the room.G was placed a few steps away from Nyx,with him facing them.Seeing them up close made his heart break even more.All the bruises and wounds,some are going to leave scars.He knew he shouldn’t have stood up when he answered the call.He should’ve stayed there,stayed by their side.The worst is,he couldn’t do anything.He sat there,unable to do anything.He couldn’t pick them up and take them back,he couldn’t help them clean up,he couldn’t hug them,hold them tight,tell them “It’s okay”.

He felt weak,ashamed.

“What do we do now,Vlad?”

“Ve vake the human up,then torture can begin,Vinston.”

The leader of the 580’s,Oliver,woke Nyx up.They started yelling swears and threats as soon as their eyes opened,but went quiet when they saw their partner in front of them.“G?”

G gave a weak smile,“Hey,Dollface.” They started moving around,until they realised they were tied to the wall.“When I get loose from here I AM GONNA KICK ALL YOUR ASSES STARTING WITH YOU,SNAKE,” they yelled.Raul hissed,then Auntie Shu smacked his head,“Shut up you idiot.”

“G'ho should ve torture first?” Vlad grinned,turning to his fellow leaders.“I think the human’s had enough for now.Let’s start breaking some bones,” Winston murmured.“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH HIM YOU FREAKS,” they screeched.Now they were pissed.“Do your worst,I ain’t gonna break,” G growled.

It started with punches and kicks,then Raul started hurting him with a baseball bat.Things got worse,and worse.Nyx was in tears of rage seeing everything.Before he could stand up again,Vlad pushed him down,and stood on his chest with one foot.“Beg for mercy like the vorthless dog you are.”

“Never.”

The torture continued,until G was laying against the wall next to where Nyx was tied up,bruised,bloody,broken.He could barely stay awake.“Now it’s your turn,human,” Vlad smirked.

“Bring it on,bitch.”

They were beaten up similar to how G was beaten up.G was too hurt to move,and laid looking in horror how his partner’s blood stained the floor.He tried his best to get up.When Raul suggested their next move,it was where they crossed the line.G managed to stand up.“Stay.Away.From.Them.You.Assholes,"he growled.This was the first in a long time that he used magic.He managed to slam every single one of them against the wall,holding them tight by their throats.A yellow glow surrounded them,and they had no way of escaping.He killed Raul,literally the second leader to the Tezcas,first for even thinking of doing that to his partner.Next,he killed Vladimir.The rest he threw around the room a few times.

Without a word, he went over to his partner,and picked them up.They were hurt really bad.He was hurt pretty bad.He took them to the hospital,and they told him that they would have to stay in the hospital for a few days.After he got fixed up,he stayed by their side,waiting for them to wake up.

It was a few hours before Nyx woke up.G fell asleep with his head on the hospital bed waiting.They decided to not wake him up,and instead,just listen to him somehow snorring in silence.They didn’t move their hand out of his either.

It wasn’t what they expected to happen on their birthday.The day started out great,and ended with lots of pain.For the most part it was great.They made new friends and everything.They wondered how they were going to explain this to the bunch back home.They laid back,and slowly fell asleep again.

After a rough experience,and a few days at the hospital,the two went back home again.They made sure to visit the main Hackerspace again before leaving,where Doc revealed her gift.Nyx opened the paper,that releaved a drawn picture of human G kissing them,and when Doc dragged them outside and told them to look up,Doc painted the picture on the whole side of the building.It left both of them flustered."It’s my greatest work yet!” Doc grinned,taking a selfie with them while they were blushing like crazy.It was definetely something else.

Mettaton was the first one to greet them at the airport back home.He studied them,seeing all the cuts,bruises,and everything in between,including their tired faces.Yes,he heard what happened.Yet,he’d have the guts to comment: “I knew you two were rough but…did you use protection at least?”

Nyx and G are now banned from the airport for almost murdering Mettaton.

There ya go! Hope it was okay~

#happy birthday ya nerd #this took forever to rewrite #i waqs supposed to go to bed two hours ago #that's why the sketches will be posted tomorrow #don't ask me why i ended with that #i got no regrets #ut-stuff #you're gonna end up seeing this on sunday #or maybe not at all #not too sure #g!Sans #undertale #watch dogs au #Undertale watch dogs au #gaster!Sans #i mentioned a lot of other characters too #underswap #swapfell #fellswap

[kickspace]

Thursday

On thursday I went to a womens coming out discussion group that I’d found on Meetup.com. It was held at like a safespace for queer youth, its a level of this building where LGBTQ youth can just come hang out and there’s a kitchen and games room and it’s really bright and colourful but anyway they hold 3 adult group meetings and i went to the womens coming out one.

I was the youngest one there. In high school I’d never dated or had things/hooked up with anyone at parties and everyone sort of questioned that from time to time. Everyone just got the impression I was frigid or disinterested in romance and I always felt sort of embarrassed that I’m 19 now and still don’t have any “experience” with dating or flirting or sex.

But on average these women were like, five years older than me. One was forty and only came to terms she was a lesbian two years ago. Another one was fifty and did the same around five years ago. Both had lived their lives as straight women before coming out. One had actually been married with kids, both had felt it was wrong and looking back on it now can see they repressed feelings from when they were growing up. They have memories growing up where they had same sex attracted feelings but could never understand/face it so just lived as straight women. Now they don’t know how to reach out to other gay women because they’re not in the younger scene and in a way feel like they’re having to learn basic social etiquettes all over again. 

There was blonde woman there who I felt really sorry for. She came across as maybe depressed. She talked briefly about how she’d been in denial growing up and could never explain to her family why she didn’t want to be with people they’d set up with her,  then said something similar to the two older women that she’d only accepted that she was gay two or so years ago but at twenty seven now, shy and basically a home-body when she’s not at work, she doesn’t see how she can meet other gay women which I felt on the d-low meant date/find someone. Then she was like “but going to groups like this..at least I’m leaving the house right” and then she laughed in a very hollow way and I felt so sad for her. I kinda wanted to talk to her afterward but got too shy lmao.

There was one woman there that irritated me though, she was the only straight woman but an asexual. This woman who spoke pretty frequently throughout, more so than the gay women. She was talking about how she doesn’t want to come out as asexual to her friends because it’s something “hard to explain, its something indistinguishable” going on to say that “at least people know what homosexuality is, It would be easier if I were coming out as a lesbian” 

And no one was comfortable enough at that stage to glance at each other but I definitely felt like the blonde girl next to me shift at that. She also started talking about this guy she’s been seeing who just texted her that he wants to “see her in private” and she doesn't know what to do. I was just kinda...mindfucked...that people this self absorbed and stupid exist. I was like...ok...you’re anxious this guy you’ve been speaking to for a few weeks won’t be interested in you? People won’t understand your disinterest in sex?? Like…idk man!!! I think the fear of being disowned or never spoken to again by people who are supposed to love you, or receiving violence, or being killed is maybe a BIT harder to overcome when coming out. So not really sure if coming out as a lesbian would be harder for you, either way you’d likely still be a fuckin idiot

 And even if she didn’t mean to sound so stupid, and only meant it’s harder to explain because it’s less known/theres less information on asexuality like... why would you say it in that way. Wasn’t the right way or place to say something like that. She was also arguing laster  to one of the girls who was the 2nd youngest, I think 23, who shared that her friend kept making homophobic jokes and she wanted to come out to him so that he knew he was hurting her but she just cut him out of her life, that maybe her friend didn’t know that he was being offensive and that sometimes its hard to NOT be offensive. At that point I was like... literally shut the fuck up and the girl was like…um yeah or maybe I just dont want him as a friend and everyone laughed. The two older women though were nodding with that asexual woman when she was speaking as if that were a valid point about offending people, which I think might be a generational thing about “political correctness” or not living as a gay person since they were young so maybe not experiencing/picking up on that type of micro aggressive homophobic behaviour  when growing up around young awful men but whatever.

The past two months just speaking to other gay women I’ve seen the pattern of people becoming comfortable with their sexuality if they're a homosexual woman when they’re older in comparison to heterosexual people or gay men. I’d also read about it online about how addressing you’re a gay woman often comes later because of how we’re socialised to deal with our feelings and frustrations towards men, so that stage of denial is often longer than with homosexual men. One of my lesbian friends at uni was talking about the difference between the gay men she knew and their sex lives and the lesbians she knew, like the majority of young lesbians that were her friends our age don't have any sexual experience.

Yeah it’s just been really sad and interesting, but I’m glad to know that I’m not strange or out of the normal which I was alway made to feel like I was. Not just by friends and family but by also the media I guess when showing young people and where you should be with romantic/sexual experience based on your age. I’ve also realised truly how fortunate i am to live in a place where there’s such a large/strong LGBTQ community. 

I think I’ll go again next time. I’m not sure many of the others will because that session might have put them off. It was really tense and uncomfortable at times, which was just the difficult subject of coming out I think. Also when i read The fun House by alison Bechdel she showed how she realised she was gay when she was also 19, and until then hadn't had any sort of sexual life. And I was kinda like ...? That’s not ? Just me? I didn't know that was normal because of where I grew up and who I grew up with. 

Also! The 23 year old girl was like pretty funny and was the only one in the group/trying to make people laugh and we live in the same suburb so we bussed back together and she was telling me about how she also feels lonely and isolated/doesnt like going out/ all her friends are straight and she’s too shy to go to her LGBTQ group at uni and she was like god I’m so awkward sorry for being awkward and i was like? you’re not you’re super funny wth and then she was like to me when we got off the bus, can I ask you an kinda cringe creepy question and I was like ya! ofc and it was so cute she was like “is there any possibility of us becoming friends?” and I was like :’’’’’’) so yeah we added each other on fb and we might be going rock climbing!!!

so yeah that was that experience I wanted to write down. and just some realisations i’ve been having . also my friend from uni and i are going to make a same sex attracted womens group! where we get together and watch/discuss  lesbian movies and media once a month or something or go to gay girls events, it will be like a side branch of the LGBTQ uni group that I was too scared to get involved with. anyway she’s coming over 2moro night so we can make a page and sort it. 

#i asked the 23 year old girl if she was going next time and she was like....idk...and i was like please come #so i might try make her just so i'll have a friend and stuff #and might go to the other meetings #idk #ones like a monthly dinner #all of these posts are shitty rants