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unstable-samurai · 4 days

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THE NEW COUNTRY GIRL NEXT DOOR WANTS YOU - smut

Miyeon x Male Reader

one-shot

tags: blowjob, teasing, strangers tor lovers, first sex, ride, penetration, creampie

[Note: English is not my native language, So possible grammar errors and more rigid prose can be found in the text. But I ask that you give it a chance, if I don't give up on this, I will work hard, bringing longer and more effortful stories:)

This is the first version, I will eventually correct whatever is wrong.]

History:

The moving team worked very hard. Fortunately it would be a quick job. One of the many advantages of being a single and minimalist man: little furniture. Y/N helped the moving team by picking up the most delicate boxes that contained electronics and fragile objects. The neighborhood was beautiful on that calm afternoon, the golden sun radiated the green grass and the white fences of the houses on the street.

"Man, I'm going to love living here", thought Y/N, sighing with satisfaction.

He noticed that the neighboring house on the right had a beautiful flowerbed. Maybe it was a kind old lady who lived there. The whole flower and decoration thing indicated that. He still didn't know any of his neighbors. Y/N cut off his thoughts and returned to his task. It didn't take long to get everything inside the house, anyway.

The interior of the residence now had some furniture scattered throughout the rooms and several boxes that needed to be opened. Y/N wasn't in a hurry, he would do everything calmly, after all, it's not like visitors were going to show up anytime soon...

Well, he was wrong about that.

While he was drinking water, the doorbell rang, slightly startling him. Y/N really thought he was going to be completely alone, at least for the first few weeks until he adjusted to the neighborhood. The person at the door was probably one of the neighbors wanting to welcome him or something. Y/N was exhausted as hell, but he couldn't start things in this new city by ignoring people like that.

To his surprise, the one on the other side of the door was a beautiful young blonde. She holding a box of chocolate.

"Hello, new neighbor! I came to welcome you to the neighborhood." She said, quite excited.

The girl was wearing a red flowery dress that highlighted her small body.

"Hello! Are you one of my neighbors?"

"I'm the girl next door. I brought this to you." She handed him the box of chocolates.

"You didn't have to do that. Thank you very much. What's your name?"

"My name is Miyeon." She smiled at him. It was a charming smile.

"Y/N."

He reached out to shake her hand, but Miyeon pulled him into a hug. Y/N couldn't help but enjoy the heat her body emanated, the sweet scent was also delirious.

"I was watching you when you were bringing the furniture into the house." She revealed it to him.

"Serious?" Y/N questioned. "I did not see you."

"You seemed focused on the task."

"It must have been because of that. Are you, by any chance, the owner of that beautiful flower bed?"

"Yes! It's mine! I've been taking care of it for about two years. It's my greatest pride!" She told him, her little eyes sparkled with joy. "It's not very common for men to pay attention to flower beds and things like that. You're quite observant, Y/N."

"I think we both are."

Miyeon laughed, her cheeks flushed.

"I hope you like the chocolates."

"They look great."

"Do you have anything for dinner at your house?" Miyeon asked.

"Actually, I was thinking about ordering a pizza."

"Save the pizza for tomorrow. I can make you dinner at my house and bring it to yours. We both eat together. What do you think?"

Y/N quickly thought that: even if he was delirious with fever he would still be unable to refuse a proposal like that.

"If it's not too much trouble, I would love that."

"Me too! Then I'll see you later."

"I'll be waiting for you."

She said goodbye to him and went to her house.

He wasted no time getting ready. Y/N ran to the bathroom to take a well-deserved hot shower. In the shower he felt silly for being so excited about that dinner, he almost looked like a 15 year boy on first date. But Miyeon was a really beautiful and attractive woman, as well as incredibly friendly. He didn't expect a blessing like that to happen so suddenly on his first day in the new house. "Miracles happen," he thought. And also, after the last relationship, he deserved to breathe new air.

Breathe new women.

Y/N played poker on his laptop sitting on the sofa in the living room. The internet would only be turned on the next day, and he was starting to feel a bit of withdrawal from not being connected. But when deciding to leave the troubled capital, he should also get used to being a little offline. All the social media shit had been fucking with his brain for a while.

"I need to learn gardening or something.", he thought.

The doorbell again. And now Y/N didn't feel fear when he heard it, but rather excitement. Y/N took the notebook off his lap and placed it on the sofa, combed his hair a little more with his fingers and went to open the door.

"I hope you like lasagna!" Miyeon exclaimed, carrying a glass baking dish with both hands.

Y/N barely managed to speak since he opened the door. She was dressed really provocatively, and acted like she didn't give a shit, totally casual. She had placed the lasagna on the kitchen counter. The two were sitting on the sofa. Miyeon was cross-legged, and the short skirt she was wearing wasn't able to hide even half of those juicy thighs.

"You're going to live alone, right?" She asked.

"Yes. Do you live alone too?"

"Correct. I used to live in the capital, but I got tired of the traffic, the people there, all the futility and stuff. My job luckily allows me to live anywhere I want."

"We're not much different then."

"You also lived in the capital?!" She asked, amazed.

"Exactly."

"Now I'm sure we'll get along great." Miyeon commented, and casually placed her hand on Y/N's knee.

It was soft and warm. A thought came over him and he imagined her sliding that hand to his thigh, and from his thigh to his groin. Just by vaguely imagining this scene, Y/N felt his dick harden inside his pants.

"You know, I was actually watching you move in. You caught my attention. In fact, I've seen you since you came here last month to look at the house." Miyeon's voice was no longer animated from before. It was now in a low and sweet tone. Sexy. "I hoped you would become my new neighbor."

"I think if I had seen you too, I would have moved here a lot quicker."

She smiled.

"You're sweet" Miyeon slid the hand that was on Y/N's knee to his thigh. "And naughty."

"Why you say that?"

"Because I can see your hard dick in your pants."

Y/N couldn't contain himself and placed his hand on Miyeon's thigh. The grip was so intense and sudden that she couldn't take it and let out a muffled moan.

"I can't control myself with you dressed like that" he said, looking intensely into her eyes.

"I don't want you to control yourself, darling." when she finished speaking she jumped into Y/N's lap. He grabbed her small waist and started kissing Miyeon on every corner of her face: cheek, mouth, chin and neck. She was totally surrendered, and felt between her legs how hard his dick was.

Y/n slid his fingers along the strap of Miyeon's crop top, feeling the soft texture of her skin under her eager touches. With a slow, deliberate movement, he lowered the strap and, to his surprise and delight, saw that she was not wearing a bra. Miyeon's small but perfectly formed breasts were exposed. Without hesitation, Y/N leaned forward and captured a nipple between his lips, sucking it voraciously as his tongue played with the sensitive tip. Miyeon arched her back in response, moaning loudly with the pleasure that coursed through her body. "Yes, baby!" she said between muffled moans.

"I love having my breasts sucked. They are sensitive. This makes me so excited." She commented, ecstatic.

As Y/N occupied himself with her tits, Miyeon felt more and more aroused, her breathing becoming heavier by the second. With hands shaking with desire, she got off Y/N's lap, her mind fixed on one thing: completely drooling over that hard, thick cock that was waiting for her. In one agile movement, she unbuttoned Y/N's pants, eager to taste what was underneath.

Miyeon played with Y/N, caressing the dick that was inside his underwear with desire. "Make him wet for me, baby," she begged, slyly. Miyeon started kissing Y/N's dick. The warm, soft lips through the cotton of his underwear gave him indescribable pleasure. "Keep going...argh!! This feels so, so good," he sighed. It didn't take long for the underwear to become damp where the glans of the cock was. Y/N let out an anticipatory moan when Miyeon released his dick. He breathed quickly when he felt the skillful caress of her lips wrapping around his cock, which was pulsing with excitement. Y/N's eyes closed instinctively, getting lost in the overwhelming sensations that Miyeon's mouth provided. Every suck, every moan of pleasure she made, every flick of her tongue, pushed him closer to the edge of absolute pleasure.

With a husky moan, Y/N pulled away from Miyeon before she made him cum, her eyes shining with lust as he made her stand. "Sit on the sofa and open your legs for me!", he ordered, and she smiled at the order. With eager hands, he lifted Miyeon's skirt, exposing her wet, pink pussy to him. Without hesitation, he dove between her legs, his tongue finding the right spot of pleasure that made her tremble with desire. Miyeon's moans echoed through the room, her mixing with the sound of wet and obscene movements that filled the air while stroking Y/N's hair.

Finally, momentarily satiated by the intensity of pleasure, Y/N sat down on the couch, her eyes burning with desire as he watched her hungry for more. With a husky, lust-filled voice, he ordered her to ride him, giving in completely to the desire that consumed them. Miyeon didn't need any further encouragement, riding Y/N with a ferocity that only increased the intensity of the pleasure they shared. Her pussy turned out to be very tight and incredibly delicious. The hip movements were incredible, the skirt was lifted to the waist, while the top was pulled down. It was beautiful the way she rode on his lap, so that Y/N didn't want to close his eyes just to see her moving smoothly and steadily on top of him.

"Daddy!" She blurted out of her mouth.

"Do you like riding your Daddy?!"

"I love it! I love it! I love it!" She moaned louder and louder.

"Just like that! Yeah! Such a good girl!"

"Argh! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Miyeon moaned following the rhythm of her hips going back and forth simultaneously. That was art!

"What you said before?" Y/N asked between moans and heavy breathing. "Your boobs are sensitive, right?"

Y/N took his back from the back of the sofa and hugged Miyeon. He could wrap his entire body around her, and that was delicious, because that was what he felt like doing with her: wrapping himself completely around Miyeon until he ejaculated.

Y/N grabbed Miyeon's waist and it was as if she already knew what he was going to do because she automatically arched her back so he could suck her boobs. This made her go crazy immediately. "So good..." she moaned. Miyeon started to ride faster as she became delirious with pleasure.

"Like this! Keep sucking my little tits, Daddy! Oh!How naughty you are! You suck so good!"

Y/N squeezed Miyeon's ass tightly while licking one of her nipples without stopping. She was moaning incredibly loudly.

"Slap my ass, Daddy!"

"Ask again!"

"Spank my ass, Daddy. Slap it until it turns red, please!" She screamed.

He slapped her while she rode frantically. Y/N was going crazy with so much pleasure.

"I'm going to cum!" He groaned in her ear.

"Cum inside me, baby! Let's cum together!"

"I can?"

"Yes! I'm taking the pills.

Y/N thrust her hips making her accelerate at a pace she had no control over.

"I'm going to cum... I'm going to cum!" She said.

"Cum for me!"

"I'm going to cum on your cock, Daddy!" She screamed, then wrapped her arms around Y/N's back, scratching him in the act.

Miyeon flexed her thighs on his lap as her pussy squirted, gyrating her hips and rolling her eyes in pleasure. Those movements involved all the sensitive receptors in Y/N's dick, and that was the end for him, cumming inside her, pressing Miyeon's body against him, while she said:

"How delicious! I feel your hot cum inside me... Uhhh!" Her entire body shook. "Now it was dripping..."

She remained astride him for a few moments longer, while cum slowly dripped down her pale thighs. Y/N kissed her, slowly and tenderly.

"That was amazing!" He said. His body was completely relaxed and the brain had reset itself. Little by little reality returned to his mind.

Miyeon got off his lap and it was a surprise for both of them to see that his dick was still a little hard.

"Can you handle another round later?" She asked, giving him a teasing look. "I haven't felt this hot for someone in a long, long time."

"We can have sex after dinner. Now I'm starving... Damn, the lasagna must have gotten cold!"

"Do you know what the second best thing is to sex?" She asked, trying to hide a laugh.

"Hmm, i don't think so."

"Microwave!"

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fixing-bad-posts · 7 months

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I looked around and didn't see anything about this on your blog but I apologize if I missed it.

I was wondering, what does doing the work behind this blog...feel like? I guess what I'm asking is if it does anything to you. Like, I had a thought. For a flash, I imagined you as Butters from South Park in that episode where he is tasked with filtering out all the negative comments on Cartman's social media. It ended up really messing with Butters, what with him having to see all that negativity.

You're definitely not being affected to that extreme, I assume, but I wonder if you would have anything to say about the process of finding these negative posts and reading them several times to edit them. Has it exposed you to unpleasantness that you wouldn't have otherwise seen? Or is there perhaps a kind of catharsis in editing such filth?

I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Maybe I'm also asking about your process. I just think what you're doing is neat and would love to hear about your experience with it.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have plenty of reasons to feel joy <3

oh boy, i love talking about myself haha—so thank you for giving me an excuse to do so! i have answered similar questions in the past, though never at length. every once in a while, someone pops into the inbox to ask about my mental health (which, rest assured, is just fine—i don’t put this blog’s operation above anything; it’s honestly pretty low on my list of life-priorities), and it’s always quite sweet. having a mob of strangers following one’s sideblog has its perks: one being that sometimes parasociality results in some well wishes, kind thoughts, and general goodwill. which is very nice, and probably an unearned vanity-boost for my ego.

what does the work behind this blog feel like? in turns: mundane, challenging, vindicating, annoying, amusing… and probably other things that i’m forgetting. most of the work i do on this blog is actually me procrastinating! i am a certified adult with a job™, and i’m definitely guilty of slacking off at work sometimes to queue posts submissions from my inbox, which is more fun than like… proofreading financial documents and making spreadsheets. other times, i’m sitting in a café with my partner, and allegedly i’m “writing” fanfiction. but, uh, if you know any writers, you know that sometimes “writing” means, ‘looking at a blinking cursor’. so it’s in those moments that i open up tumblr and start writing image descriptions and adding tags to prep posts for my queue. that’s mainly when the blog feels mundane.

something that i think helps me avoid negative doomscroll-spirals is that i don’t actively seek out bad posts for this blog. being a citizen of the internet delivers fodder to me naturally. that, and running a semi-popular sideblog on tumblr. when i see a bad post in the wild, that’s when the feeling is annoying/challenging. challenging, because ever since starting this sideblog, hateful posts don’t feel as vicious to me. once i see them, they stop being posts and turn into word-puzzles. and i love word puzzles!

solving the word puzzle is amusing for me, as is getting to look at my resulting “blackout poem.” it makes me laugh, it stretches my brain. when i started, i used to have to read a post several times to find the ‘good post within the bad post’ so to speak. these days, i’m so used to it, i barely read the bad posts more than a handful of times. but as i was saying to my partner, one of the reasons i love found poetry (erasure poetry, and cut-up poetry) is that it uses the same part of my brain that loves scrabble (the board game). then, of course, it's vindicating to see my posts get so many notes, sometimes surpassing the original bad post. that's more of my own vanity, i'm sure.

as for the last part of your message: yes, i have plenty of reasons to feel joy. i work with people who respect me, i live walking distance from a bubble tea café, and have friends and family whom i love. i have the good fortune to be safely out as a queer person. i’m a fanbinder. i’m currently working on a long fanfiction which is getting some very nice comments on ao3. and i’ve recently decided to become a poet (like, for real).

i must admit, i’m fascinated by how you imagine me. i often wonder how i am perceived, especially because i keep many cards close to my chest here on my sideblog.

anyhow, thank you for this excuse to ramble about myself and the process of running this blog. i hope you also have plenty of reasons to feel joy 💛

#what are your headcanons about me i'm so curious #ask fbp #ittybittykittyfingers

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freuleinanna · 5 months

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good night, spaceman

posting a random domestic doctordonna ficlet because my heart cannot contain it, honestly?? it's short and silly, something about settling in one of the first nights, but shhh mama need to let it out. read it as platonic or romantic, i don't really care. i know my preferences, but hey, if it works for you? coolio. also, if you drop a request in my asks, chances are, i'll write something else

"Whatcha doing?" he frowns from the doorframe.

Inside, fabric flies and his minds instantly sings parachutes! – no, nope. Why would there be parachutes? Pastel colours settle down quite mundanely. He stifles a disappointed sigh.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Donna retorts, bowing over it, arms at work. "Changing the bed!"

A beat of silence.

"Why?"

She stops. The Doctor tenses instinctively. Shouting Donna is the default setup. The TARDIS (shuddering to her timecore, he imagines) bangs the swearing filter back on the instant that woman steps inside again. Silence, though? Now, that's trouble.

"How do you sleep?"

He scratches his cheek, sincerely wondering.

"I don't, usually."

Another pause. A blatant I-am-so-done-with-your-Martian-things look, ominously familiar, sets over Donna's face. He tenses more, only for a quick nod to follow.

"Yeah, that checks out."

"Right, then... D'you need help?"

"That's bamboo linen," she points out.

Huh.

Is that something he should understand?

That's… new. Usually it's him baffling others with random words, not the other way around. At the risk of getting annihilated, albeit verbally, but actually he wouldn't bet that verbally only, the Doctor steps closer and reaches for the other end of the bedsheet.

"I'll just?.."

"Hands off, you!"

"Blimey!" he shakes his palm.

"That's actually fancy!" The Doctor's hand is still stinging with a slap. Donna half-grins at him, some secret laughter warming her eyes. "Spacemen who consistently ruin their ship aren't trusted around fancy stuff. And don't gimme that look, mate. I wasn't there the last few times, and neither was that coffee."

Well, moments like this, then. He'll be collecting them. That's gonna be a new habit, instead of collecting heartbreaks. Laughing again - and with Donna! Grinning back, hands in pockets, the Doctor decides to hold on to it. On the darkest nights, when thoughts run bitter and endless, he used to count the stars – the only light across the empty vastness of the space. Now he can count sparkles in his best friend's eyes. What a life! What a beautiful, beautiful life.

"I'll just stand there, then?"

"Yeah, try not to explode from doing nothing," she huffs, still smiling, "or else I'll disown you."

"Disown? When did you own me?"

He watches Donna roll her eyes and sigh with her whole chest while finishing the job.

"Day one."

Linens get smoothed over, and Donna's hands glide across the fabric, adding the last touch. She looks over. Neither of them can stop an idiotic little smile appear, and the Doctor welcomes it with both his hearts, for her and for himself. He nods in agreement, shining brighter than the sun. And he's been to the sun. Well, some of them, at least.

"Sounds about right."

"You bet, Spaceman."

She's going to leave for the night. Before doing so, however, Donna does walk over. Full of surprises, her. She tidies his collar, and frowns a little, and darts him a look that's simultaneously worried and caring.

"Listen, you. If anything happens. If your honestly severe sleep deprivation, I don't know, decides to burst into a horror show, or something…"

"Wait, what?"

"I mean, if you have nightmares–"

"Oh, come on! I'm not a five-year-old–"

"Yeah, you're worse!" she cuts him off, showing her You're So In Trouble face for a brief moment. Her every line softens. She's searching his eyes for something, clearly grappling for words, but cannot seem to find befitting ones. Then just sniffs her nose and finishes matter-of-factly. "Rose used to have them. Poor kid was dreaming your space nonsense… well, our space nonsense. All I'm saying is, I'm a light sleeper when I need to be. There."

She pushes a cushion in his chest, and the Doctor sways a little. Wihout missing a beat, his other hand is around Donna's shoulders. Brilliant, rude, kind-hearted Donna Noble. The one who brought him home.

"Thank you," he whispers.

"Good night, Spaceman."

And for the first time in literal ages, he's actually excited to have a boring, ordinary, good night.

#doctor who #doctor who fic #dw fic #fourteenth doctor #donna noble #14th doctor #doctor donna #the giggle spoilers #doctor donna fic #ALRIGHT IM JUST HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT MY SPECUAL BESTIES #i am 10000% sure donna would come if her alien streak had a nightmare #same way she did for rose #which is in the middle of the night half sleeping and then passing out 30 minutes later just holding them #also i just love writing silly stuff okay #my 😭💛💛#whofic

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meimi-haneoka · 9 months

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Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Chapter 76: Comments + JP-ENG translation differences

Ooooh CCS fans, welcome back to our monthly appointment!! Which, apparently, will go on a little longer than previously expected because (I'm sure you've heard of it in the last month, but in case you didn't) CLAMP/Kodansha did what I thought they wouldn't dare doing: they extended the Clear Card serialization a little bit more, announcing the last volume will be the 16th one, instead of the 15th one as previously stated! Volume 16 will be released on April 1st 2024, while they also delayed the release of volume 15 to November 13th (this made me suspicious, is it to accomodate more chapters in it? Or what else happened there, to delay it?) I have no idea how many more chapters we'll get at this point (or if the 16th volume was born because it will accomodate some after-story extra chapters), but I have to say that after the initial shock, I've took the news quite well and I just can't deny that the story really seemed to need a bit more room to develop the conclusion properly, so I'd daresay the announcement ultimately made me sigh in relief. And this chapter definitely proved to me that things are steadily proceeding, but taking care in depicting carefully and without haste an heroic moment that will turn out to be more complex than what probably Sakura & co. expected. I'm gonna need a bit more patience to see how all of this ends, but I prefer for the end to not be rushed and not have regrets in the future! Also, this looks like it might tie in with the beginning of season 2 of the anime? We'll see!

Well, after this preamble to update everyone on the situation of the serialization, we'll proceed under the cut to talk about the actual chapter, which unfortunately this month is stained by several translation mistakes, omissions and inaccuracies. They really deceived me, doing a good job on the past 2 chapters...*sigh* I'm still quite mad because of course WHO gets affected the most, among those translation mistakes? I feel like coming at this point I don't even have to state it. *another sigh* Before diving into my ramblings, let's give a look to the gif of this month! I chose this one because I feel like I need to lighten the mood a little bit, since between the end of this one and -I'm sure- the next chapter, I'm afraid there won't be anything to laugh about.

Under the cut!

The Color Page

Anyone following this blog since some time, or who knows me well, probably doesn't need to be told that I completely loved the color page of this month! 🥰After 11 chapters, Akiho comes back to grace the opening page of a chapter of Clear Card. It's very simple, but in its simplicity I could feel all of Akiho's essence, while appreciating the usual symbolism of some elements of the color page. First and foremost, Akiho is smiling, and that wasn't a given for a color page appearing at the end of this story. We've seen Sakura making plenty of wistful faces lately, so it feels like we can't really take for granted to see our characters smiling. But her beautiful smile in combination with the nice shade of green Mokona-sensei chose for her elegant dress (which is totally in tune with what Akiho would wear) is really giving a kind of hopeful vibe to the whole color page. And I feel that for this chapter, we really needed that. Green is kind of an unusual color to associate Akiho with, but there's more to it. Together with the shade of yellow that sensei used to create a gradient on the skirt, this green is a clear callback to the color scheme of the lilies that Akiho is holding and wearing among her curls. And as we all know, lilies in this arc are primarily a symbol of the character who literally bears their name: Akiho's mother, Lilie (German for "lily"). As soon as I saw the presence of lilies in this color page with her, I went all "awwww" because I couldn't help but think "this is a sign her mother is watching over her and is always with her, right?" And inevitably, seeing Akiho gently holding those flowers made me wish even more that she could know something, anything about her mother. I also noticed that Mokona-sensei slightly changed the shading of Akiho's hair again, removing the yellowish undertone that was present in the most recent color pages that Akiho appeared in, making me sigh because I'll have to modify my color palette for my fanarts once again 😩it still looks lighter than her mother's, at least, and it's still very much ash blonde. The editorial text in JP on the color page is what Sakura told her at the end of chapter 73: "Let's get them back. The one you didn't want to lose".

Collapsing Time

Aaaaand this chapter for me started with a "I KNEW IT!" equipped with a loud laughter, because ever since chapter 75 ended I've really been wondering "will the group at home be able to follow their journey inside the fake moon, or will the connection be conveniently cut off?" OF COURSE IT'S THE LATTER, what else could've been? 😆 Tomoyo rationally wonders if the signal simply doesn't reach in the space inside the fake moon, but Eriol from the other end of the videocall tells everyone that these are rather some more specific, particular circumstances: he was able to see what was inside the fake moon for a split second before the connection was cut off, and what he saw is an environment where time isn't simply stopped, is actually collapsing. I want to start my long list of complaints about the translation in English of this chapter, with this mild inaccuracy: the ENG makes Eriol consistently sound unsure of what he's affirming above, using verbs like I suppose, while the JP text doesn't leave any trace of doubt - Eriol isn't supposing, he knows that time is breaking down in that environment.

Back to Sakura and Syaoran, our little heroes start to feel the effects of this powerful magic that is permeating the interior of the fake moon, with Syaoran noticing that the clock parts fluctuating aren't really deformed like they're seeing, but only appear so due to the strong pressure of the magic spell inside that environment. And here we have to stop once again, because this is another straight up mistake of the ENG translation:

ENG: "There's nothing wrong with the watch itself. The spell's placed too much pressure on it. It only looks broken"

JP: "It's not like the components of the clocks are really deformed...They only look like that because the pressure of the magic spell is too strong"

As you can see, skipping the translation of the word 部品 (components) made them completely misunderstand Syaoran's line and make it about the pocket watch in their hands, instead of the fluctuating clock parts! And it's like they wanted to give an explanation to why the pocket watch looks broken (hello??? The pocket watch gradually broke when Kaito was still active in the un-rewritten world!!), despite the adjective used in JP is deformed, not broken. But let's go on.

Sakura starts to feel that pressure on her head, in fact she points out that her head is hurting to a worried Syaoran (JP, lit.: "My head is..."). He answers that it's only normal, because the spell is so powerful that it's affecting them physically, and he can feel those effects too (he's only better at dissimulating it, apparently). (I'm just worried if it's clear in the ENG translation, by how they're phrasing things, that the spell Syaoran is referring to is the one that's active on the whole place, not the one he used to trace the owner of the pocket watch). Syaoran continues saying that it's happening the same to the interior of the "fake moon", basically everything is so warped and deformed (due to the strong pressure) that if the pocket watch didn't show them the way, they would've lost both their sense of orientation and even the "target" they were tracking with that compass. So while the readers might have thought that if Sakura and Syaoran got there successfully it was only thanks to the compass, CLAMP went out of their way to specify that it wasn't exactly like that: it seems like the pocket watch actively guided them through the magic beam that originated from the compass, preventing them from getting lost. I guess without the watch's intervention, the compass might have still shot that beam in search for Kaito, but it might have gotten all of them lost, because the magic spell at work inside that environment is so strong that it warps everything, beam included. Again, I wonder if this concept above is clear enough from how they phrased it in the ENG translation.

And if that wasn't enough, Sakura's sweet smiling face says that Akiho guided them there. Evidently she thinks that the pocket watch is not only permeated by that mysterious moon magic that they still don't know who it belongs to, but also by Akiho's strong will to look for and to find the person she never wanted to lose. Akiho is always with them, spirit tightly connected to that pocket watch, and I couldn't help but being so moved by how considerate and sweet Sakura is. Akiho is evidently at the center of her thoughts even now, after all, she departed for this mission precisely for her sake.

Syaoran says that the beam is pointing at this dragon that is sleeping in front of them, but then actually starts doubting it and says "wait, is this really a dragon...?". The mere fact that he had a second thought about it might already be a sign that there might be more than meets the eyes, behind this creature that we're seeing now. Sakura just needs to look at it for a moment to remember immediately: she met this dragon before, in a dream. Of course, she can remember about this only thanks to the "film strips of memories" that the Record Card supplied her with some chapters ago, since it's all stuff that comes from the "un-rewritten world". Then, Sakura takes charge of the pocket watch and thanks Syaoran for his help with the compass: it's clear that she wants to talk to the dragon, now. Clutching the pocket watch tightly and looking at the sleeping creature in an intense way, she gets closer to it.

The dragon finally opens its eyes and wakes up.

Sakura is such a sweet and well mannered girl, so I couldn't help smiling when she said this: (JP, lit.) "Please allow me to address you with "you" (anata), since I don't know your name". Yes, because Sakura's usual speech pattern includes calling people by their name, rather than using a direct "anata". Even with Syaoran, some pages ago, she didn't use a direct "you", but simply repeated his name instead. Her usual way to talk to people always sounds very soft, well mannered and warm to me, while probably using "anata" even with her closest people feels too "blunt" to her. Or, maybe, "impersonal". In this case, she really doesn't have any other choice, though. Alas, this was something that was hardly translatable in a literal way in the ENG version, and I think the way they chose works pretty well anyway.

And so, Sakura continues. (JP, but ENG is equally fine as well:) "I can feel 'something' coming from you, which is the same that I can feel coming from this watch as well. I guess Syaoran-kun would call it 'magical power'. Do you know the owner of this watch? Or.....is this watch YOURS?" How cute, this really shows clearly that Sakura's relationship with magic is not made of technicalities and such, and she still feels a newbie about it, so she is capable of feeling distinctly the magical aura coming off the dragon and the pocket watch, but she isn't still used to use technical terms like "magical power", "aura" and such. Syaoran is the expert for those things, and she seems to admire and respect him a lot for that! 😆

Sakura asks something to Syaoran to get a certain confirmation. I have the impression that she could feel it herself, but wanted the confirmation from her expert husband boyfriend. She asks him if the magical power that is permeating the environment of the fake moon is the same moon power that comes from the pocket watch. Syaoran confirms they're different (again, an inaccuracy of the ENG translation, which makes Syaoran say "something is different". There's no "something" in the JP, he was just plainly stating that the two sources of power are different).

I want to point out how cool Syaoran looks in his pose of this scene, his hand gripping the handle of his sword the whole time, ready to unleash it at the minimum sight of danger on Sakura. I really love it because Sakura doesn't really know the intentions of the dragon yet, so what she's doing is pretty risky in itself, but Syaoran didn't stop her, he trusted her and let free to do what she wanted to do. He's just, you know, going to stay in the background with his hand on his sword, ready for any scenario, just in case. 😂 Protective boyfriend (but not suffocating one) strikes again! This is what I mean when I say they came a long way ever since chapter 1.

I Know Your Eyes

Sakura can feel that even the magic coming from the "cage" (she uses a term in JP that sounds more like fence than the harsher cage, though) is different from the one the pocket watch is giving off, and this is all she needs to have the confirmation she was looking for: just putting 2 and 2 together from the difference in powers, she concludes that the dragon is there against its will, and someone else locked it up in there. Sakura asks the dragon if she's right, but it simply......stares at her, in silence.

Sakura watches those eyes....and they're all she needs to see. Because she realizes she knows those eyes.

And here, unfortunately, I have to prepare you for another translation mistake, an actual omission that irritated me quite a lot because I consider this a very important scene for a certain character's depiction and development. And you probably don't even need to ask who he is, because he's been bastardized this whole time by the ENG translation.

ENG: "I know you. I know your eyes...And not just because I've seen them in a dream. With your eyes, you watched over Akiho-chan. Somehow, that memory's still inside of me"

JP: "I know...your eyes. And not because I've seen them in a dream. Those eyes used to look at Akiho-chan with great care/affection. (That feeling) remained inside of me"

*draws a deep breath* Okay. I'll go with my grievances with the translation first and then I'll talk about my own reaction to this scene.

When Sakura is talking about the way Kaito used to look at Akiho (because it's clear as hell we're talking about him here, even if she doesn't remember who he is, yet), the JP text includes a very important adverb, 大切に (taisetsu ni, lit. "carefully, giving importance, cherishing something). And Sakura doubles down on it by preceding it with another adverb, とても (totemo, "very"). It is absolutely, unmistakably clear that Kaito used to look at Akiho with lots of affectionate feelings. That 大切に indicates how much he cherished her...how much she was important to him...and he never said it aloud, probably not even realizing it himself, but his eyes spoke for him. And Sakura saw it all.

The ENG translation completely omitted and skipped the translation of the adverb とても大切に, indicating only that Kaito "watched over" Akiho. Completely stripping the action of looking at her of any emotional involvement. To me, that is intolerable. Why?

Because this is the first time that a character, any character, clearly spells out how Kaito considers Akiho. And of course they gave the honor of pointing out the elephant in the room (gosh, this really looks like that situation) to the protagonist, our Sakura. I mean, we came to this point in the story precisely because nobody was able to say for sure what the hell Kaito thought of Akiho. Not even the person concerned himself! I've seen countless of theories along the years, and a worringly big amount thought that Kaito only wanted to use Akiho for his own selfish goal. I kept seeing speculations of that kind even after all he did in chapter 70. And that was particularly strong in the western side of the fandom, because of how the translation portrayed Kaito all these years. Now that we finally get a spoken, spelled out confirmation that he considered Akiho so important, he cherished her so much, and those sweet feelings seeped through his eyes and couldn't escape Sakura's attentive stare, what do they do? They remove any sign of it. They make Sakura say that he only "watched over her" like a regular watch dog, without touching any of the emotional involvement that was indicated in the JP original text. I remind you that 大切(な) is also the core adjective of the famous 一番大切なひと, "the most important person". If this will be connected to an eventual statement later on, this omission is even worse.

Of course, I cannot be anything else than dismayed at this perpetrated character assassination that this translation is operating on Kaito. Leaving aside all my bias for my two favorite characters, this omission penalizes Sakura's characterization too. The fact the she could recognize Kaito (without knowing it's Kaito) through the Dragon's eyes is a testament to how extraordinarily empathetic she is, and how her empathy is literally saving this story. Her empathy made her understand that Kaito couldn't be a bad person, deep down, because of how he looked at Akiho and how Akiho was so happy with him, leading her to make the decision of not confronting them openly, back in the un-rewritten world. Her empathy is what guided her here and what now is telling her "yes, this IS Akiho's most important person. And that person cherished her too". And how she was able to recognize that? Not because Kaito used to just "watch over" Akiho, what made that gaze special were the feelings that Sakura could see inside of it. All of this story is held up by the feelings between its characters. I think it's a huge mistake to not give the right importance to them, to ALL OF THEM.

I think I complained enough about this translation, so let's get talking about happier things. Because of course, in its original form, this scene became my favorite one from the entire chapter and moved me to tears. I was amazed by how Sakura was capable of recognizing Kaito's soul, his essence, only looking at the dragon's eyes. And you know, although being similar (they are some kind of tsurime too), they're not exactly the same as Kaito's, so it seems clear to me that Sakura recognized them basing on sensations and feelings alone. Eyes are, after all, a window to somebody's soul. And even though we could never really get into Kaito's head, or only partially did towards the end of the "un-rewritten world", I really have to say that his eyes spoke volumes of what he was feeling for the entirety of the manga. And for that, we can only praise Mokona-sensei's wonderful skills. I always loved Kaito's eyes, how they could be mischievous, happy, surprised, sweet, sad, tragic. The fact that I could be sure that he loved Akiho in any capacity till now, was also thanks to how he looked at her. So I was really glad to see the element "eyes" being used in this scene to make Sakura recognize him. And there's more to it. I delved into the use of the word 瞳 (hitomi, lit. "pupils") with the furigana "me" next to it (which is the pronounciation of another kanji used to indicate eyes, 目), and I found out/re-confirmed that 瞳 indeed literally means "pupils", but in manga, songs, novels and such it is a trope used to indicate the eyes when there's an emotional nuance attached to it. It is used to make things sound more "romantic" or drip with emotion. "Your eyes...looked at her with so much affection"... ...You can now understand even better why I am so peeved at the omission of the ENG translation for this part. All the other languages did their job and included the nuance correctly. CLAMP were trying to be very straightforward with their composition of Sakura's line, everything was indicating that this was a very important and emotional moment. Akiho, all alone in Sakura's memories of the double date, is at the center of the entire page, as if to indicate that she was at the center of Kaito's eyes too (because that's what Sakura is talking about in the bubbles). But we can see a "spotlight" beside her, an empty one: that was certainly where Kaito used to be when Sakura met them at the botanical garden.

The Escape

Okay, Sakura found what she was looking for. Or, rather, WHO she was looking for. And it doesn't matter if it's a huge, dark dragon trapped inside a cage. I found this almost hilarious, how she doesn't question even for a second that Akiho's most important person is actually a dragon! But I could quickly realize that it's all because in this manga, external appearances don't matter. What matters is who you are. These are all souls, loving other souls. Everything in between holds no meaning. And so if there's one thing that Sakura knows with all her heart, is that this dragon cannot stay here. So she tells him (yeah, I can finally say "him") to come along with them. But it's in that moment that a danger arises: the clock particles start attacking Sakura and Syaoran at great speed, so much that Syaoran has to turn around very quickly to realize it (I loved the effect in his eyes to indicate the speed). With a swift move, Syaoran summons his famous "Raitei Shourai" and his powerful thunderbolt repels and destroys the clockwork that was about to attack them.

We go back for a moment to Yukito's home, where everyone is staring intently at the tablet to see if Sakura and Syaoran give any sign. A worried Touya (and Yukito, too) turns his attention to Akiho, though, who is the quintessence of tension right now. Hard stare to the screen, she looks as if she's ready to fight anyone at any moment. And here, unfortunately, another translation mistake drops.

ENG: "We need to be sure we're ready to go...In case Sakura-chan calls for us" JP: "I have to be fully prepared...for when Sakura-san will call me"

First thing first, you probably caught it yourself, Akiho calls Sakura "Sakura-chan" in the ENG version, and that's a mistake. She hasn't suddenly changed speech tone in the JP, she hasn't dropped keigo, she still calls her "Sakura-san", as usual. And despite here there isn't a subject (again, a typical thing Ohkawa-sensei does in her scripts), it's pretty understandable that she's talking about herself and not the whole group, because of the imperative tense she's using. Moreover, Sakura told the rest of the group that MAYBE she would've called them if she ended up needing any help, but for Akiho she was SURE she was going to call her, so Akiho really does have to be ready to be called at any moment. Akiho in JP uses a particular word to indicate the concept of "be fully prepared, all set, take all possible measures": 準備万全 (junbi banzen) and when I looked for its complete meaning on the internet, to understand the context better, I found out that this is also the name of a skill in the game of the "Uma Musume" series. That made me laugh because coincidentally, Akiho's voice actress Minori Suzuki is famous for voicing one of the characters of Uma Musume, "Agnes Digital" and I know for a fact that CLAMP are fans of Uma Musume. Was Ohkawa-sensei trying to make a fun reference or an Easter egg, here? 😉 Anyways, Akiho's determined face here is really beautiful, I'd daresay there isn't only determination in those eyes, but also a tiny touch of...irritation? I've probably said it before, on other social media, that I hope Akiho will be the one giving an earful to Kaito, and yell all her feelings in his face while angrily crying 🤪if this is building up to that, I cannot be happier than this!

Everyone proudly looks at our little warrior getting ready, and unfortunately due to the misunderstanding above, Yukito's line is mistaken too, in the ENG version: they make him say "I'm glad we have eachother" while in JP he simply commented "You're so confident/reliable!", which is totally coherent with the face she was making before. The adjective he uses, 頼もしい (tanomoshii) indicates someone who's dependable, reliable, confident or even "sure-footed".

Needless to say, I was very happy to: 1) See an interaction with Akiho coming from Yukito, this is the first time and with this comment he acted like another お兄ちゃん to her (the more, the better); 2) See him defining her "confident and reliable", I've seen a JP fan I follow on Twitter making an interesting interpretation of his line, coming from a character that was always worried over not knowing what to do to help the people he loves, and seeing another magic-less character standing tall and facing this ordeal courageously might have prompted him to understand Akiho's position more than we could imagine; 3) Acknowledge that it really seems as if CLAMP are trying to establish new and more connections between the old cast and Akiho, probably because these connections will stay even after the end.

Back to the situation inside the fake moon, Syaoran yells to Sakura that he's sure he won't be able to break that cage only with his spells, so he urges her to find a way to free and get that dragon out of there while he fends off all the incoming attacks. Sakura immediately complies, and this back and forth between them was already awarded the title of "husband and wife interaction" from the JP fandom. 😂 Sakura remembers what Momo told her about the remaining Cards that are waiting for her call...and sadly I have to point out another translation mistake: while the JP was always vague about the number of Cards awaiting for her to call them, the ENG this time around traced back its steps and made Momo say that "There is one more Card that was left behind", despite in chapter 73 correctly translating Momo's words as a general "There are other Cards that haven't disappeared". So, not only they haven't even checked what they translated just 3 chapters ago and are unable to keep coherence with it, but they didn't even consider that the Card we're about to see isn't even the last one that is waiting to make an appearance ever since the Clockland Play happened. Therefore, it's NOT true that there's just one left.

But the inaccuracies aren't over, because in the next line, Sakura looks at Kaito's pocket watch, and this is the association that she makes with it:

ENG: "This is my mother's watch...and that card looked just like it. I don't remember creating it...but..." JP: "My mother's watch....I created a Card that looked like it, and I never found out when that happened"

Always thanks to Record, Sakura got also back the memories of Nadeshiko's pendant watch, how she got it, and that she found herself with a Card that looked like it but didn't know when she created it (hint: it was because Kaito rewound time, but the Card survived).

It's the moment for Sakura to call the Card: TIME!! And finally, this Card that many awaited in trepidation gets activated for the first time. In a very poignant moment, no less! Sakura, full of gratitude, thinks about her mother and how they made this Card "together", and she finally realizes that Nadeshiko's pendant watch found its way to her through great-grandpa Masaki precisely for this. To be used in this moment. And so she does. She orders to the Card to "activate" the time of the cage, so that she can "open" it, and Nadeshiko's watch goes to position itself precisely over what I think is "the lock" of the cage. I think this might suggest why the watch was changed into a key in the anime: it would make even more sense that it's a key the one that will open the lock. The lock, together with the cage, successfully dissolves, freeing Kaito/the Dragon. The Dragon seemingly "stretches" himself (poor thing, having to stay all crouched for god knows how long!!), destroying all the remaining clockwork in the process. Sakura gets her Card back and doesn't waste time, urging everyone to get out of there. Syaoran notices the opening they had "sliced" into the fake moon earlier, and says to go through that to get outside. I think the opening is appearing here in front of them so immediately because the spell that was warping and making that space so tortuous and convoluted is now broken. Sakura and Syaoran fly towards the opening, successfully getting out of it, but once outside Sakura notices something and looks back in dismay: the Dragon is not moving. She asks frantically why. But Syaoran yells to Sakura to pay attention: she turns around, in time to see a big group of arrows pointing at them, in full attack.

Aaaaand this is where the chapter ends, once again with a big cliffhanger!! Where is this attack coming from???

I'll give you a hint......

Remember a nice afternoon tea, interrupted by a clan of ass*oles allied with an Association of criminals, back in chapter 33? Yeah, Kaito sure remembers well. Lord knows how many of these attacks he had to repel over the months that passed from when he was excommunicated from the Association, officially starting "the war" between him and those bastards. Kaito back then easily fended off the attack by stopping time, again at the expense of his life, but I wonder what will happen now. It's clear it's something that's coming from them. However, I'm still not sure they're concretely sending the attack right now. It might be a "trap" they've left in place in case anybody tried to free Kaito, so maybe Sakura won't confront them directly. I still don't believe this is where it's going. But we'll see what will happen and what direction CLAMP decided to give to this.

My biggest concern is also the Dragon. It became apparent, in this chapter, that the creature is Kaito himself, in some capacity. I say "in some capacity" because we don't know if he was transformed, if this is the form the Seal of D forced on him, or if it's the effect of taking all that magic from the artifact that he got from Akiho. I am pretty sure this isn't his true form or anything like that, he was a human being to begin with.

We don't even know if he's conscious of what's happening right now, what he remembers from "before", from the un-rewritten world. If he remembers about Akiho at all. Unfortunately, he didn't give any signs of even understanding what Sakura was telling him. I have to say it pains me to see Kaito like that, and this is a possibility that I had been preparing myself for since long time, so that surely "cushioned" the blow.

However....

There is a theory going around, about why the Dragon won't move at the end of the chapter. I've seen it both from JP fans and from my mutuals too. And I have to say....it's pretty in-character. It's very convincing. The Dragon/Kaito doesn't move because he doesn't want to. Because he thinks he doesn't deserve to go out there and be saved. And it's to be noted that what Syaoran says is indeed 動かない (doesn't move), not 動けない (can't move). If we have to take those words literally, then we should exclude that there's anything "external" preventing him from moving. The reason is somewhere else.

If it's really Kaito being unsure/not willing to go with them because he doesn't think he deserves to, then that would also mean his memories are intact. Add agony over agony. If his consciousness is intact, I wonder what he thought when he saw Sakura and Syaoran? Was he surprised? I really think this could be the perfect spot where Akiho could finally spring into action. Because THAT is something only SHE can do anything about. If that's really the reason why he's not moving, then he needs to hear the full story. And he needs to hear it from the person his plan affected the most, the one he saved, yes, but also the one he's hurt the most with his blind "excess of love". But before that, Sakura needs to understand where the problem lies. I really hope she'll have the chance to talk to the Dragon again, and with her exceptional empathy, understand that Akiho needs to talk to him.

Next chapter, the 77th one, is going to be published on August 30th on CLAMP's Youtube channel, less than a month away! And by this release date, I can infer it'll go on sale with Nakayoshi on September 1st. At this point it doesn't even feel so "special" to announce it, but the next issue of Nakayoshi will see Sakura once again on the cover, and once again featured in the furoku! At the time of writing this post, no leaks have appeared regarding how/what the furoku will be.

Well! Sorry again for an endless post full of complaints about the translation, but this time around they really messed up. I thought something changed in the translation process in the past 2 chapters and they paid more attention/checked multiple times before giving the OK, but apparently this time that was not the case. As usual, I'll await any question/topic you want to discuss about in my ask box! See you at the end of this month for chapter 77!!

#cardcaptor sakura #card captor sakura #clear card arc #ccsakura #ccs spoilers #translation differences #sakura card captor #sakura kinomoto #syaoran li #yuna d. kaito #akiho shinomoto #chapter 76

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bonesandthebees · 3 months

Note

If u wanna talk more about the tntduo detective au I am ALL ears 👀👀👀 but also totally understand if u wanna keep it a secret for now hehehe

honestly I have no idea where I'm going with it so I'll throw it to the wind and let you guys chew on it while I let it simmer lol

so basically I started watching true detective: night country the other night with my mom and I immediately got inspired (I have not seen the first season of true detective although I really want to watch it now and hopefully will soon). also, I've always had a fascination with the polar nights phenomena. I've gone on wikipedia binges before reading about Utquiagvik (the Alaskan town I'm fairly sure the town in true detective s4 is based off of) which experiences polar night for roughly two months or so, and I've also gotten a few videos in my Youtube recommended from a youtuber who lives in Svalbard which experiences polar night for nearly three months. so suffice to say the concept of a several month long night has intrigued me for a while, and finding a show literally set during that multi-month nighttime immediately piqued my interest.

and when I watch really fun things I usually get the urge to write something in the same genre. originally I thought about a crimeboys detective duo fic, but then I was like wait has anyone done tntduo as detective partners? because I know there's crimeboys detective fics out there but I don't know if I've seen many of them for tntduo. and I realized that would just be a very fun dynamic for the two of them.

so grizzled small town detective partners tntduo who bicker like an old married couple, seem to have a lot of shit in their past between them, work incredibly well together and bounce off of each other perfectly during investigations, and also have the kind of tension where no one else in the room with them can tell if they want to punch each other or make out just felt like the perfect vibe to dig into. all set against the backdrop of a frigid arctic circle town that's in the midst of a 2 month long night. and then someone gets murdered.

so this post doesn't get too long I'll talk more about the specifics of the au under the cut

so tbh this idea while it is tntduo /r, it wouldn't be that focused on that and more focused on the murder investigation going on. besides our two overly tired small town detectives that definitely aren't repressing any feelings towards each other, we have several other characters going about their lives as well! of course tommy is there. he's a junior officer who only joined the police force a year before the start of the story (also, yes I'm very acab when it comes to real life but I just wanna write one of those stereotypical murder investigation stories man).

anyway, tommy is only 20 and his dad, phil, was part of the force for most of tommy's life. once he turned 18 though phil quit because he'd always hated the institution of police (and government in general) (although like wilbur he was a detective) but wanted to have a stable job to keep his kid supported. phil was... not thrilled in tommy's career choice, but who is he to protest?

phil mentored wilbur during his early years in the force, and in turn wilbur mentors tommy. he's trying to teach him how to think like an investigator, and will often ask him questions to get his brain turning pieces of evidence over and try to get him to look at situations in different ways.

since quitting and getting that sweet sweet government retirement money, phil pretty much spends all his time at his bestie techno's place. techno is the town hermit who lives on the outskirts. he also breeds sled dogs (not formally he just has a lot of dogs since people need them in that kind of weather) and usually has 10 huskies at a time running around his cabin. techno might also be a retired eco-terrorist but wilbur knows not to ask too many questions about that and quackity is scared of techno so he's definitely not gonna bring it up.

niki is a phd student from germany working at the nearby arctic research station for her dissertation. she focuses a lot of her studies on climate change and all that. she and wilbur are best friends and has heard way too many drunken ramblings about quackity.

jack manifold is one of tommy's best friends and works at the oil fields that employ most of the town. he's trying to get placed onto a proper oil rig out in the ocean at some point since those jobs pay really well. he's friends with niki too, although his job and her research certainly cause a bit of contention between them.

tubbo is another best friend of tommy's. he's born and raised in the arctic town but he went off to a prestigious uni down south to get a nuclear engineering degree so he's not really around for the most part

sam oversees and manages all the oil pumps and makes sure things are running smoothly. and in turn, schlatt owns the oil fields. he and quackity have, uh, a history.

and lastly, ranboo is an intern at the research station that niki is doing her dissertation work at. they're also close friends with tommy, although wilbur and quackity both have only met them a few times. the whole story kicks off when they go missing one day, only to be found dead outside in the frigid temperatures within a few hours. that's when the mystery kicks off against the backdrop of a nearly three month long night :)

anyway I do have the overarching mystery figured out, but it's the actual specific plotting bit i'm struggling with. I really don't want to write the entire investigation but also I don't wanna just write a single scene bc theres so much going on in this universe I wanna show arghhhh. and also I love slowburn and I think the really weird tense dynamic tntduo have in this would be so intriguing with that layered on top of it. just arghhhh motivation and time.

hope you enjoyed learning about my brainrot over the past few days lol I already made a playlist for this fic even though I don't think I'm gonna write it it's so joever for me

#ask #icyfox17 #au ramblings

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hainethehero · 3 months

Text

Stucky headcanon of Steve & Bucky meeting in the 21st century...

(Bucky's POV)

"Wait- they're sending who-?"

Natasha sighs over the line, probably pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration at his antics. But Bucky could honestly care less. Because he wasn't feeling too charitable based on the news he'd just received.

"Look, SHIELD wants him, and he's a cool guy once you get to know him," Natasha tries.

"I don't care what SHIELD wants. They know I work alone!" Bucky spits, "I don't need some military mascot trailing after me and my team!"

"He's not a mascot, Barnes. Steve's a cool guy-"

"I don't care, Natalia."

"Look, you can be as pissy as you want, it's not gonna change anything. Fury's already gotten his file and he's probably being debriefed right now."

"The fuck he is," Bucky growls, cutting her off and stomping his way to the elevators. He jabs the button to Fury's floor, leaning against the glass wall with his arms crossed. His nose twitches, several sweet but not overpowering scents filling his senses. It's a soft, floral note that confounds the fuck out of him because none of the agents he works with smell like that.

It's all manly and clean with woody musks.

"Thirty-sixth floor. Fury, Nicholas J." the elevator announces, as if Bucky needed any introduction. He steps out onto the floor and frowns at the scent that seemingly grows stronger the closer he gets to Fury's main office.

He hears the man's voice and slows his stomp to an even pace, trying to make out the figure seated with his back turned to the outside. Fury is leaning against his desk, a finger pointing at something in the file the other man is holding.

"The mission is simple, get in, get out, minimum casualties."

That's Bucky's cue. "Thought this was a one-man job."

The blonde man sitting suddenly rises to his feet, an air of mystery around him and politely offers his hand.

"Hello, I'm Steve."

Bucky narrows his eyes at him, taking in his face which looks so perfect it's almost porcelaine. And his lips are the brightest shade of baby pink the assassin's ever seen. Not to mention how soft his hand looks as it awaits his own. Bucky subconsciously flexes his metal fist, glad it's still hidden under a glove. He does his best to show his utter disregard for the man, guessing he was probably used to being in the spotlight all the time.

"I work better alone. You know that."

Out the corner of his eyes, he can see the man quickly retrieve his stupid hand, sitting back down quietly as if he'd been dismissed.

Well, he had.

But the redness on his cheeks made his embarrassment clear. Barnes felt a little satisfaction in knocking down Captain America a peg or two.

"Well, Captain Rogers has been added to the scheme. He is at your disposal. And when I say disposal, I mean he's the reason why the mission is minimum-casualty- coded."

Bucky glares at Steve again, irritated at the fact that SHIELD thought it'd be a good idea to toss some random into his team, less than two weeks before their mission. He didn't like to be undermined. And this felt exactly like that.

"I don't need help-"

"These orders come from the top, so there's really nothing I can do, Barnes." Fury sighs. "Now, quit pestering me and help your newest teammate get acquainted with mission training. Goodbye."

Bucky rolls his eyes and stalks out of the room, stopping only briefly to address Rogers.

"You comin' or what, Spangles?"

Steve's face was a mirror of discomfort as both men step into the elevator. Bucky jabs the button to the training rooms and leans against the wall, arms folded again. He sniffs discreetly and realizes that the soft, floral scent hadn't left his nose at all. In fact, it had gotten stronger now that he thought about it. He sideglanced Rogers and realized with much surprise that it was him.

Some wretched part of him wanted to call Steve a grandma for smelling like that but even he had to admit, the scent was oddly beautiful and a welcome change to the usual stink of SHIELD and its hypermasculine environs. He takes in Steve's civilian fit and probably for the first time that day, let intrigue win.

As a science and history buff, it was pretty incredible to see a man who'd been plucked straight out of the forties. His sense of style was reflective of that. Soft khakis and a simple white t-shirt under a black leather jacket. His hair was neatly combed and styled in that church boy fashion, with some strands curling down about his forehead. Yeah, Captain America was the perfect polished soldier, if he'd ever seen one.

But Bucky was too annoyed to be inquisitive at the moment. Maybe he was overreacting and overly pissy with the new recruit. That didn't mean he couldn't appreciate how good-looking the guy really was. He was a total doll face, what with the blue eyes and long camel lashes and the pouty pink lips. In some other circumstance, he imagined he'd be asking Steve if he could order him a drink. He could see himself sitting at a bar, talking shit with Rogers all night. Though, he didn't think the great Captain America even frequented bars.

When the elevator announces their level, he steps off and quickly realizes he's not being followed. He turns and asks Steve again if he's coming, and pauses in his tracks.

He recognizes the look of pure disassociation on the man's face almost immediately. Blue eyes were shadowed by a deep frown and blank stare. His brows were set in a confused frown and he seemed to be holding his body tightly, as if he'd fall apart if he didn't.

Then, as quickly as Bucky noticed it, it quickly melts away. Rogers nods awkwardly and follows him to the training room.

"Holy shit."

Bucky watches as Rumlow approaches all sweaty and gleaming. He notices the way Steve's face lights up when he recognizes the man and his skin prickles a little. He chalks it up to Brock's natural tendency to raise his hackles.

"Rumlow," Rogers greets and it's bordering on robotic.

"Rogers, didn't expect them to bring you in already."

Bucky frowns at Brock. "You knew about this?"

"Heard a rumour a couple weeks ago, didn't think of it til now."

The team approach them and Bucky notes how Steve takes a little step back, probably feeling cornered or something. He imagines the dude's got mad stories to tell about the war. With passing interest, he wonders what kind of dreams the Captain has.

"Captain, this is my STRIKE team. I'm assuming you've met Rumlow, my second in command. After him, Rollins. Wilson is one of our newest recruits but we've worked with him before. He's pararescue. And our specialists, Lopez and Murdock."

Steve smiles and signs a greeting at Lopez when he realizes that she's deaf and- what the fuck, why was that so adorable? Bucky narrows his eyes, trying desperately to feign nonchalance when, in fact, he wanted to coo like he usually did when Alpine did some cute shit.

Then Steve's eyes meet his and his smile disappears as quickly as it came. He tries not to take it personally, after all, he had been a total bitch to the guy. But, whatever. Captain America was sort of adorable. So what?

He clears his throat and addresses the team, "We have roughly two weeks to prepare for this retrieval. And now, thanks to Fury, we also have to bring Spangles into the loop. Let's get to work."

He watches as Steve heads on over to the punching bags with Rumlow. He wasn't in the proper gear to train so Bucky assumed he was asking Rumlow for a quick run-down of their training schedule. He tries not to feel offended that Rogers had gone to his second in command, rather than him, the team leader.

#steve rogers #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes #stucky #stucky headcanon #marvel #mcu #steve rogers is a bottom #bottom steve rogers #sub steve rogers #pretty steve rogers

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doberbutts · 11 months

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I think it's also wild the way people assume the stealth experience is roses and butterflies. I went stealth+DL about being gay for about 2 years at work in order to be able to work in a trade where people generally skew extremely homophobic/transphobic/misogynistic. I had been on T long enough to pass reliably so I thought, ok, cool, this is where my life as a Normal Guy kicks in, this is where I get to flex the old Male Privilege and work in an industry culture that is toxic to everyone but cishet men.

and I mean yeah, materially? I did okay in my profession, I was good at what I did. People were pretty chill to me because my only major flaw to them was being the New Kid, a problem that eased with time. I did have a female coworker who I learned dealt with some hazing that I didn't. I will say, in that particular situation, I had some privilege over her since my sexist coworkers never said anything to me the way they said shit to her.

but here's the thing - I still heard all of it. The gross misogynistic things they were saying were not meant to be about me, but they sure as hell were anyway.

but oh, boo hoo, I had to hear remarks, but you know, I didn't face any actual barriers or opposition right? yeah, okay, I guess not, and I'm not saying it would have been better to be out in this scenario, or to be a woman, but there's a reason I ended up leaving that field. walking into work and feeling like - no, knowing - you have to lie to all your coworkers and your boss every single day or else they'll hate you and treat you like shit is not a great feeling. you never have a truly good day when that is always at the back of your mind no matter what. you never develop genuine friendships or connections at work if they're all built on lies.

I ended up getting so burned out. it was a good job, a union job, and I was making a good income. I had a path upwards to make *great* income if I had stuck with it long-term. but I ended up leaving it for a non-union job at a younger company, with a more "hip" HR culture that seemed like maybe I would be in a better place emotionally. I took a pay cut to do that too. but a lot of my new coworkers had the same attitudes as my old ones - the first week I was there, one of the other employees went around the shop asking each person, "if Kylie Jenner was trans, as in, used to be a man, would you still fuck her?" and most people, including the fucking foreman, said "fuck no." I ended up saying something like "it makes no difference to me, sure, fine, she's not my type anyway" (having to not reveal I was trans and also not reveal that I prefer men), and right in that moment I realized this wouldn't be a place I could be open either, and it would feel the same as the old place.

so the burnout for that job came much quicker. I quit after only a couple of months. I did actually end up telling the HR manager why, given that this company actually had one, but she was the only person at the job who ever knew I was trans (since she saw it on my background check anyway).

so yeah like, being stealth at work? it's not a privilege. it's a defense mechanism, and it feels like shit. you feel every transphobic and misogynistic barb even if it's not meant for you. one could argue that I would have never even been able to get those jobs if I were out, and yeah, maybe, that's possible, but I had female coworkers at both places. And yeah, one could also argue that, in terms of pay, I was likely doing better than my female coworkers. And you might be right about that if I hadn't gotten burnt out and quit before having a chance to build up any kind of seniority. But instead I took pay cut after pay cut until I finally decided to put my life in full reverse and go back to college - where I had struggled severely due to mental illness, and still do - since trades were clearly not the place for me.

I'm just really sick of people who have never actually lived what it's like to have that "male privilege" of being a stealth trans man deciding it's just the great, most ideal way you can exist as a trans person. I'm sure there are some stealth trans men who were able to adapt to that environment that I wasn't. but at what fucking cost?

I have a friend who worked a military job training the bomb dogs. He is 100% stealth to the point where even people who know, who have seen him naked and even had sex with him, often forget that he's transgender and why he has that barrier of access to some things if he wants to remain stealth.

The type of shit that people would just. Say to him. And he was always having to balance saying something or keeping quiet so as not to draw too much attention to his status as transgender. He was provided room and board by his job and thus lived with 5-6 similarly aged cis men in the same house and the amount of dodging them and biting his tongue he had to do to just to survive... And the job wouldn't be chill if they found out, the talk he'd heard made it very clear that he was at all times operating with a noose around his neck ready to tighten at the very first infraction.

Anyway that's what passing privilege is. Is your life somewhat better because you pass well enough that no one questions you? I mean I guess technically. But what happens in the mean time to your mental health? Having to hide large aspects of yourself and constantly worrying and looking over your shoulder to make sure no one is looking too hard at your hips or your hands or your chest. My friend is post-op. He's "done", so to speak, outside of taking testosterone. And yet this was still something he had to keep in mind.

He ended up leaving that job due to some Stupid Workplace Bullshit unrelated to his gender status but he told me that honestly it was also a huge sigh of relief. The money he got was great but it was corroding his soul to stay. He ended up taking a pay cut and working elsewhere that he is still stealth but no longer feels like he's got an axe to his neck in every interaction.

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ghosttownwherenoonegoes · 11 months

Text

A few people - @badgirlforeddiemunson @thefreak0fhawkinshigh @ilovecupcakesandtea - have asked me things about my hair; routines, products, hints and tips. And I figured it'd be easier to make a generic post with everything included and people can pick and poke at what they want.

I'm not a vain person, but I will freely admit that my hair is my pride and joy. It is my baby. I have told my mother that my hair is the only grandchild she's ever gonna get from me, and now when she helps me with it, she calls it "babysitting my grandkid".🤣

I have quite fine hair but I have a lot of it, so it's quite thick. Holding it in one fist is a bit difficult and it knots very easily. This post includes routines, products, hints, tips, and things I think are relevant. My hair is my baby and a lot of my leftover energy between my job and my degree goes into my hair. I've dreamed of having hair just like this since I was a child - maybe seven or eight - and now as a twenty five year old, I am living the dream.

I hope those of you who are curious about my rather extensive hair care find what you need in here! I am open to questions about it, as well.💖

TW; in the 'basics' section, there is one mention of actual physical assaults related to non-consensual hair-cutting which happened in my home town about a decade ago. Not to me, but I worry about it every day as a lasting point of anxiety. If you want to skip this, it is the LAST BULLET POINT OF THE FIRST SECTION RIGHT BELOW THE CUT.

Okay, so... where to start...

The basics/equipment I use

I sleep on silk pillowcases and I secure my braids with silk scrunchies. It helps to prevent knots and tangles (it's not perfect, but my hair is much more manageable thanks to silk).

I use a wooden comb and a boar bristle brush which moves natural oils from my scalp down to the ends of my hair. I would never be using a plastic brush or 'normal' elastic ties in my hair. The thought makes me shudder.

I wash my hair once a week unless it gets rained on. In which case, I will wash it more than once a week, but neither me nor my hair will be happy about it.

I pat-dry my hair with a plain white cotton t-shirt and I let it air-dry, which takes about twelve hours to become damp-but-dry-enough-to-safely-brush. (Hair wash day is a whole ordeal, I need a day! More on this to come.) T-shirts are gentler and less damaging than towels; wet hair should be treated like glass because it's very fragile.

I never go outside of the house or go to sleep without first brushing and then braiding my hair. I never go outside with it down. This is because, honestly, I'm terrified someone will come up behind me on the street and assault me by cutting all my hair off (I have severe anxiety but also, this actually happened to a few girls in my town as a series of three assaults when I was a child and I've never forgotten about it) but also, doing this helps to prevent knots and tangles, which minimises damage to your hair.

I eat a lot of meat and dairy but I also take a generic multivitamin every day. Protein and fat are super good for you in general but also, what your body doesn't use, goes to your hair!!! Happy body = happy hair.💖

I am very precious about my hair, very few people are allowed to touch it. If I let you touch it, you are trusted. It's pretty much an "I love you". My mum helps me with my hair every day. I'm very grateful to her for it, and I make sure she knows how much I appreciate it.

My hair only needs a half-inch trim every eight months or so; dad measures it out with a ruler, mum watches him to make sure he's doing it right, he shows me what he's cut off after the first snip and I'll approve it and then he's allowed to continue. I cry a lot when it has to be trimmed, I hate it, and I grieve that half-inch until it grows back in about three weeks.

My different hair-care routines (these are extensive)

Hair wash day!

Number of stages: 4

Duration of all four stages: 13 - 14 hours🥰 (I have to schedule an entire day to do it and it can be tricky because my job doesn't always align with my preferred wash day, which is a Sunday, so sometimes I have to go 10 days without washing it and that can make me very irritable. It's the little things, you know? It has to be an all day thing because my hair takes twelve hours to become damp-dry enough to brush without damaging it. I never use heat on my hair; pat-dry with a t-shirt and then air-dry only. And then I have the brushing routine on top of it, which takes an hour if I do it myself, and ten minutes if mum does it for me, which she often does).

Brushing routine:

I brush my hair before I wash it. This is the first stage of hair wash day, and I do this routine after work. It takes me an hour to do it alone or ten - twenty minutes if mum does it.

I section my hair in two, over each shoulder, and then section it again so that my hair has been quartered. I always brush from the back first (I tuck the front section underneath the back section, which has been pulled forward to the front). Whichever side isn't being brushed, I secure into a side-ponytail with a silk scrunchie to hold it there while I work on the other half of my hair.

Starting from the bottom, I finger-comb first and manually untangle any big knots or tangles. If this part goes wrong, I will cry about it. It's instant panic attack if I can't get a knot undone with minimal effort.

Once that quarter-section is finger combed thoroughly, I then use my wooden comb to go through the section again and I alternate as needed back to finger-combing if I find a section I missed the first time.

Once that quarter-section is done, I put it behind me and start on the other section, same process as above. Doing one half of my hair usually takes me a half hour.

Once one half of my hair is brushed, I use a boar-bristle brush, going from the top of my hair down to the tips; this moves the natural oils through the hair. The oil normally comes down to just below my ear, and obviously the further away I am from wash day, the more oil there is, and so from the nape of the neck down to the very ends of my hair, I apply Mielle's rosemary and mint scalp and hair strengthening oil (£8.99 for a 59ml bottle; half a pipette is sufficient for one half of my hair, so it's expensive but does last a while).

Once the hair is finger-combed, combed, brushed, I then pull that section back as well and braid it in a simple three-strand braid and loosely tie it with a silk scrunchie. The first few patterns are tight to hold the braid, but after that, I loosen it off so it's a loose braid and loosely tied. In the morning, I'll redo my braids as needed before I go to work without brushing them - I don't have that time in a morning to do my whole routine before work. To secure it, I tie the silk scrunchie around one more time so it's tighter and will hold longer (bedtime braid: tie it around three times / morning braid before work: tie it around four times).

Repeat this whole thing again for the other half of my hair, and then I can go to bed. A normal night, this takes an hour, a bad night as in really knotty hair or I'm tired, two hours. Unless mum helps me with it. I can and will cry if I find a knot I can't immediately undo and it's not unusual for me to be swaying at the bathroom sink because I will not go to bed unless my hair is fully brushed, oiled, braided.

If it's wash day, I don't braid my hair or apply more oil, I just finger-comb, comb and then brush it and then get in the shower...

Washing routine: Okay. This is the most in-depth and complicated part of my entire thing I do for my hair, and I have to get it right or I will have an anxiety attack thinking I've just fucked all my hair up and I have to cut it off (I catastrophise a lot, especially with my hair). This is the second stage of hair wash day.

So, hair is brushed, shower time!

I have the water lukewarm - too hot will burn your hair and damage it, but too cold and you won't be able to get the oils out properly.

I get my hair wet so it's plastered to my back, and then I use L'Oreal's Dream lengths shampoo; I apply it to my scalp and to the surface of hair up to the nape of my neck, giving myself a gentle scalp massage (treat wet hair like GLASS!!!!). I rinse it all out once it's all in there, and then I use the same brand of conditoner, which is applied from the nape of my neck down to the very tips. Leaving that conditioner in, I then shampoo the scalp up to the nape of my neck a second time (it's like a greasy pan - the first lot of washing up liquid lifts the oil, the second lot of washing up liquid actually cleans the pan - same concept applies here to hair, especially because I only wash it once a week). And rinse that off too.

Then, I apply conditioner for a second time from the nape of my neck to the very tips of my hair, wiping off any excess on the top of my hair (just below the scalp so I don't clog my pores). I leave it in there while I wash my body, which takes a few minutes, and then I wash it off again. I let it all come out, and then I change the shower temperature so it's now COLD, to effectively close the pores in my hair.

My hair is washed! I pat it dry with a cotton t-shirt, then from the nape of my neck down to the halfway mark of my hair, I apply a leave-in conditioner, then from that halfway mark through to the ends of my hair, I use one pipette of the oil to cover everything, and then my hair air-dries for twelve hours until it's damp-dry enough to safely brush, as above!

Using oils and leave-in conditioner:

I use the oil every day from the nape of my neck to the ends of my hair, and every few days I apply leave-in conditioner from the nape of my neck to the ends of my hair. The top section of my hair (scalp to the nape) will be fine, it has the natural oils from the scalp, which is evenly distributed by using the boar-bristle brush.

Brushing routine: After twelve hours, I brush through my hair as in the first stage of wash day, so this is now stage three of wash day for me, and braiding it is stage four!

And finally, a picture of my baby!!! This was taken about two weeks ago and I believe it was the day after wash day!😍💖

I love it (her) so, so much. I bitch and complain often about the knots, but nothing fills me with instant grief and abject horror quite like thinking about having to cut off more than a half inch. That, in itself, is already cause for tears. My hair is my pride and joy, my favourite body part, and something I cherish as a very real, long-lasting childhood dream. I hope you find what you need in this post; I know it's not applicable to everyone because we all have different hair types and budgets, but hopefully something is useful.💖

I'm pretty sure this is everything but I might reblog with additions if needed, and I'm open to questions as well! My hair was jaw length in late 2019 when I started to grow it out, so it's grown quite quickly and I'm very in love with it.🥰

#haircare tips #haircare #hair growth

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amethystina · 5 months

Text

Chapter 38 could have been the beginning of the end of Who Holds the Devil

(Slight spoilers for the chapter below)

The other day, as I was editing the chapter, my wife asked me if I was having another existential crisis (I was apparently making very worrying noises) and while I said no at first, I had to change my answer a split second later.

Yes, I was having an existential crisis.

Because I had just realised that if I deviated from my original plan for chapter 38, I could cut the rest of Who Holds the Devil in half. Or even cut so much as three fourths, if I felt like it. Sure, that would require scrapping the overarching storyline I've been building, throwing out a lot of the character development I've planned, as well as rushing through a lot of the healing/trauma work required for my original storyline, but it was possible.

Basically, if Ga On had opened that door, everything would be different. Or, for that matter, if Yo Han had heard him crying (which he didn't — sorry to those of you who hoped that he did). Because even if they had argued and Yo Han was hurt, he would go to Ga On without hesitation if he heard him crying outside his door. Because he loves him too much not to.

Point being, if they had actually talked there at the end of chapter 38, everything I have built towards would have toppled like one of Yo Han's card houses. Because Ga On would have said just about anything to right the mistakes he'd just made. And while that might sound like a good thing, it's not. Because Yo Han wouldn't take that as Ga On expressing genuine feelings for him, but Ga On panicking due to his abandonment issues. He'd think Ga On was just doing whatever he could think of in order to make Yo Han stay, including lying or gaslighting himself into thinking he's in love with Yo Han.

It wouldn't actually have helped all that much, is what I'm saying, because that's not a good foundation for a relationship.

But I COULD have done it. I could have cut down the amount of time I have left to spend on this fic so drastically that, yes, it gave me an existential crisis xD

Partly because this fic has become a huge part of my life in general — to the point where I'm not quite sure who I would be without it — but also because I realised that I was tempted. A part of me wanted to do it. Because every chapter takes everything between 10 to 30 hours to finish when you count all the writing and editing — though several times I've ended up closer to 40 (which is a lot while juggling a full-time job and long Covid). I've written 38 chapters so far and it has taken over two years. And I can't say how much further I will have to go — how many more chapters or years I'm going to have to dedicate to this fic in order to actually finish it.

So, if only for one evening, the thought of cutting it short was VERY tempting.

But, clearly, I didn't in the end. Partly because I still love this fic so incredibly much and I want to write it as it's meant to be written. Also, it would have felt like such a waste to throw away all those plot threads I've been weaving because of... idk, laziness? And I would have to force Ga On and Yo Han together before either of them are ready for it, which would result in a much more fragile relationship in general.

So, long story short, that's why Ga On didn't open the door. I know it may have seemed cruel of me not to let him while you were reading it but, if I had done it, everything would have changed — and not necessarily for the better. Not to mention that you would have gotten a whole lot less fic in the end xD

So yeah. I made the choice to stick to my original plan but, hopefully, it will be worth it in the end.

Thank you for your patience :)

#Amethystina Writes #Who Holds the Devil #I'm not sure what to tag this as #An explanation?#Me making excuses? xD #Like #I have a reason for everything I write #But I understand if that reason isn't always obvious to you all #And it can't be easy to trust me through all of these twists and turns #I honestly don't envy you #But I am very grateful to those of you who are willing to keep reading #Never doubt that #Your dedication is so humbling #Thank you 💜

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drdemonprince · 8 months

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my thoughts and values align with yours re: STIs and risk AND i keep coming up against resistance to the recent discussions as a high-risk person still living almost entirely isolated amidst the ongoing pandemic. and when i take a second to breathe and think, i realize these are not conflicting at all. the friction isn't that i view illness morally or that i think we should avoid all risk. it's that the majority of folks without question take precautions to reduce STI exposure but the majority of people no longer consider doing the so minorly inconvenient precautions to reduce the spread of covid, which i would argue is much riskier than STIs at this point. and it's so exhausting because then i have to, based on my risk analysis of covid, take way more precautions because no one else is looking out for me. community care and harm reduction are my biggest driving values and i grieve how absent they are around me. i just wanted to share in case others are feeling similarly while reading this discussion. you rock and i so hope i get to engage in a beautiful public kinky scene some day.

Hey, thanks so much for sharing and walking us through your thought process.

What I might add is that individual people might not seemingly put much effort into COVID mitigation anymore because they have next to zero institutional support in doing so. Many of my disabled friends have to work in areas with a high risk of COVID exposure: waiting tables, stocking grocery store shelves, working as home health aids or phlebotomists, or teaching in schools. Some of them are high risk themselves, but because they have no choice but to work in areas where their life is put on the line, they have very high stress decompression needs and feel already resigned to their disposability in society, and so they do also go out to bars with their friends or hold parties or visit clubs.

I also know people who are able to socially distance quite strictly, test regularly, are vaccinated and boosted, but who intentionally make plans to visit cruising spaces or gay orgies very rarely so that they can remain relatively safe COVID wise but also not kill themselves out of despair (I'm not being hyperbolic here, that's exactly what some people have told me are the competing risks they face when they balance COVID exposure against isolation. And I know that many high risk populations face these same severe negative mental health outcomes too -- in fact, I know high risk people who choose to go out in public at times in order to remain sane, but who have to sit with the fact that it could be a mortal danger to do so).

I also think about how the queer community came together in the fight against AIDS to make condoms available, to educate one another about safer sex practices or harm reductionist practices, to engage in sex together in risk mitigating ways (such as gloved fisting) and how they pushed for the government to make drug treatment available to them. I see a lot of queer and disabled advocacy groups doing similar work today to spread accurate data on COVID as best they can, promote masking, organize solely outdoor events, encourage vaccination, and remind people of the stakes.

And I see such a massive gap between the ways in which risk mitigation was made possible through such community efforts, and how catastrophically the government fails us regarding COVID. We are not given free tests anymore. Vaccines aren't free anymore either. It is no longer a state of emergency. Many of us have been forced back into in-person work at our jobs. Our unemployment benefits have been cut. Student loan payments are roaring back into action. Disability benefits and medicare's expansion is rolling back. We no longer have accurate testing and tracing data. Masks are no longer required.

If a person wants to behave responsibly regarding COVID, how are they even supposed to? They can wear a mask in public and not experience in-person community to the extend they might like or need. But they can't actually prevent themselves from getting or spreading the virus because they've been forced back to work. I understand many people do not even take these small steps to reduce harm and that it is dismaying and outrageous. And I think you have ever right to feel outraged by it. But I also think individual behavior flows from social support and institutional pressure, and nearly all of that is heading in the wrong direction right now.

And I think about how collective the push for better government interventions regarding AIDS was, and how much the push regarding COVID instead is focused on targeting individual people for the actions they've made within a very unsupportive context. It was not beneficial to view individuals who had bareback sex or shot heroin as the origin of HIV, and I don't think it's helpful to understand COVID as a phenomenon of individuals failing to mask now.

Granted, it took HIV activism YEARS to get to the point of ACT UP. And we're not so many years deep into COVID yet comparatively. Personally when I look at all these facts in context I see a population that largely did take COVID seriously for a time, but who, due to a mix of institutional failure, mass misinformation, risk resignation, and despair, no longer do so in their behavior.

I don't believe in moralizing emotions and I think from your perspective you're affected by all these factors PLUS the massive risk of developing Long Covid symptoms or worse. And I know you know and live all this shit already so forgive me for preaching to the choir. But I do want to gently push back against the idea that most people don't care about COVID the way they care about STI's. I believe our discourse on both has been horrifically poisoned by individualism, capitalism, and institutional failure.

Some articles I have written on the subject:

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charbies · 5 months

Text

been having a tough time.. stuff about it under the cut

writing a stream of consciousness about the past few months. I've been really depressed. I kept getting burned out from my job almost monthly, but could bounce back when I took a little time off. Then midway through the summer, it's like I just got stuck and couldn't get.. unstuck. by fall I had a full blown depressive episode; in september I could admit I was depressed, in october I went on medication for it, and by the time november came around it felt like there was no end in sight. Fall is my favorite time of year, and I felt like I was in a fugue state and missed it because I barely existed.

the ways this showed up in my body are unlike anything I ever experienced in my life before and that was terrifying. my head and body ached like I was coming home from war every day. I was falling asleep at the wheel, and it was a recurring pattern; my body was shutting itself off when the thought of what I'd have to deal with at work was becoming too much. I burst into tears whenever I saw my friends post pics hanging out and wished I could live closer and see them more. I felt so overwhelmed and empty, I needed everything to stop and I wanted to disappear.

my job is fucking hard. I try not to talk about it on here, but I work with people who are hurting and traumatized. I regularly have to tell them when I believe the choices they're making are going to wind up killing them. I have to tell them the last things they want to hear and still hope they trust me. The average burnout rate at my job is 2 years, I've been there for 16 months. I'm 24 and the youngest one there by a long shot. I know I'm good at what I do, but still feel way in over my head, I feel like I don't get to be my age. I've thought about quitting but I don't think I have it in me to leave and start over somewhere new just yet, not now. I feel trapped because as hard as the work is, I get way better amenities there than at most other places; this place is basically as good as it gets where I live and it's still killing me.

even tho I know how severe things were getting, I feel so guilty for ways I fell off the face of the earth. I stopped talking to friends, family, coworkers, pretty much everyone. I bailed on linktober and a bunch of other art projects I lined up and thought I had the energy to pull off. In general I just feel like a failure even though I know that isn't true.

I broke down hard and took a leave of absence, I get a few weeks off from my job. I've been off for 10 days and as badly as I've wanted to draw the idea also makes me want to jump out of my skin. So I'm taking time and hoping it comes back while I pull myself together.

I could use some advice or wisdom from anyone who has been through this in any capacity. Even silly stuff in my inbox would make my day. Tumblr was my comfort place when I was a kid and I think it will do me good to be able to look back on this post after I've worked through this and I'm doing better. Thanks for reading all of this if you did, it means a lot <3

#brb crying into my cat #tw depression #tw suicide #tw vent

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the-duchess-of-domination · 2 months

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TW for ED/ARFID talk

I'm severely emetophobic (to the point of ARFID) yet I love tummies so much? The noises, the smooth skin, how it changes shape depending on how full it is, the fact that we need them to keep us alive! Everything! But only online. I'm such a sucker for upset tummy fluff yet if someone said their stomach hurt in real life I would probably cry on spot and hold my breath around them forever. I think part of the love for tummies (or I guess you could say kink but it's not that sexual for me) is because I wish I could do it IRL. I wish I could comfort people and rub their tummies when they don't feel well. So instead I go to tumblr where I can do it no problem. I know this is rambling, but I hope someone relates

-lurker anon

TW: OCD, Emetophobia

hi anon!! thank you for sharing!! im sure a lot of us (including me!!) can relate!

i’ll share a little bit about myself! everything with me started as a child, and there are a lot of overlapping layers. i knew from an early age (literally by 5 years old) that it was exciting to me when cute boys had stomach aches (usually from being fed too much, throwing up wasn’t really on my radar quite yet but it makes sense because it comes with the territory). most of the pieces of media i can remember leaving an impact on me usually cut away or just insinuated that a male character was nauseous or too full by showing their face turn green or having them duck off screen. nothing was ever particularly graphic. this also led to a fixation on stomachs in general, especially the stomachs of bigger guys.

though i never admitted this fascination to anyone (and nobody ever shamed me), i felt weird because i knew other people didn’t share this fixation, so i kept it to myself and tried to enjoy it in private (this usually took the form of writing stories or seeking out media that possibly had sick boys in it. i was a real sleuth). i was a bit obsessive with it, but overall most of the harm was internal rather than external because i was convinced that to enjoy watching men’s pain and discomfort must have meant i was evil or that something was seriously with me.

the thing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is that when you explain your compulsions and thoughts out loud they sound silly because you know they aren’t true, but you can’t help but think them. as a child my thoughts told me that to become sick was an admittance of weakness (which, obviously is SO not true lmao) and that expressing vulnerability was a man’s job. i developed crippling emetophobia that has persisted into my adulthood. the idea with vomiting and its lack of control was absolutely horrifying to me.

a man being sick? there is nothing sexier.

but me?

i began to have panic attacks through middle and high school. this later led to contamination OCD, always being terrified of being sick, and again, worrying and having thoughts about why i found it so attractive when boys admitted they were nauseous (that i must be corrupt, a bad person, crazy, etc).

sometimes i think our brains help us cope with trauma and fear by throwing us a bone every now and again. my fear of losing control manifests in fantasies where i hold all the power. i use my fetishes to strengthen the relationship i have with myself: that im not evil, or wrong, or corrupt, or out of control, or crazy. im just a girl who does things a little differently, and control in my fetish life helps me feel more comfortable dealing with my emetophobia in real life.

anyway, that was a long tangent, but i hope this resonates with the people!! 😭 we just love tummies man. i too love the little sounds they make and what those little sounds mean, the look of them, the way they sit on people’s hips, the fact that they can bloat bigger or get smaller, that we anthropomorphize them by saying they get “upset,” the chest and nipples right above them—i could write a manifesto i SWEAR.

-the duchess 👑🦢

#the duchess speaks #emetophilia #emeto kink #tummy ache #belly ache #that was so long but the people need to know

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pruning-the-minds-garden · 1 month

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Personal and mental health stuff under the cut. Lots of not pretty relationship stuff. It's not drama, just two married people working through things.

Okay so finally spoke up to my wife about the things that have been bothering me for the past several months. She initially took it pretty okay, thanked me for bringing it up and said she had to think about it before she would really have an answer to some of it - which, given the nature of what I brought up, is perfectly fair - but... well.

One ongoing issue in our relationship is kink. She has gotten more and more negative on it as time has gone on, going from openly hostile to curious to ambivalent to closed. That recommends to suspicion that the openness was not ever really a thing, that she was forcing herself there out of a desire to please me, and that trying it was never going to work because she fundamentally believes that hypnokink is nonconsensual and her statements in her first angry rant to me that she questions my morality because I am interested in it, questions her safety because I'm interested in what she views as rape... are in some quarter of her mind still her truth. That is only confirmed - or if not confirmed, because this is a conclusion based on an absence of evidence, then recommended to suspicion - by deliberate word choices and omissions in our conversation after that. Specifically, the things she would say she thought I was not and the things she didn't say that she thought I was not.

And, the other major problem is that while she emotionally and vocally supports my transition... the more I do, the less connected to her I feel. The less she reaches out, the less she seeks any sort of physical contact or connection, and the more we feel like Roommates+. I voiced this to her, and yeah she said she'd have to think about it, but also later voiced anger that I was open about exploring and researching aspects of my transition but hadn't talked with her about them, that I sounded like I'd made a decision (specifically regarding HRT) and hadn't talked to her about it. I have not made that decision and was just doing research to confirm a point brought up by a gender therapist I was talking to on the phone regarding my insurance specifically not covering anything related to gender dysphoria, and was looking at what that meant for any future options I might have. I have done some research regarding HRT, but nothing remotely resembling a decision has been made in that regard and yeah, I'd talk to her before anything like that was made.

Still, that she was mad about that and, like... the tone of that... it bothered me. The post she was referring to only happened maybe five hours prior to our conversation and I was at work the whole time, so we'd not seen one another in the interim or had an opportunity to talk about it. Of course I would not make a decision in a couple hours, that is just not who I am. Add to that, that she then pivoted to other medical issues going on right now that I well know about - dental stuff that badly needs to get handled but which is expensive because ✨LuXuRy BoNeS✨ - but which legit do make kissing me somewhat unpleasant. I get that, and I also feel really self-conscious about it. I also want to fix it, but when the cost of fixing it is such that it would financially cripple us and render us unable to pay our rent, car note, etc... yeah, I just don't.

Of course it sucks, and it hurts a lot, and it might kill me. I know all that. I'm the one feeling the pain and facing the risk so I know that quite well... but she has been unable to get a job because of crippling fear and anxiety and I'm doing the best I can with what I have, so here we are. I need to keep a roof over our heads for as long as I can, food in the fridge for as long as I can, and the lights on for as long as I can, and if medium-term needs have to be sacrificed in the name of that then that's a trade I have to make and deal with the consequences of when they happen. I don't like it, but I have no other options. I have been prodding her to varying degrees for maybe three years now about jobs, and now she's in therapy for this specific issue, but TBH although this issue has improved a little everything else has suffered at the same time. I'm basically doing 2/3 of the housework in addition to making 3/3 of the income right now, because her mental state - I don't know what or if it relates to a specific diagnosis - is such that she spends most days sleeping and/or sewing, watching YouTube, stuff like that. When I wake up I manage both of our meds, feed the cats, make coffee for both of us, wake her up the four times it takes to get her to wake up, and dress and get ready for work. Then I work all day, come home, do the dishes, clean the apartment, and manage our meds for the evening. On the weekends it is similar but I also handle vacuuming and/or the cats' litter boxes. She handles grocery shopping and dinner most nights, though a lot of nights - probably too many - we order in.

I love her deeply, and want her to be happy. I give more and more to this relationship, but it feels like the more I give the deeper the well gets. I just don't know where to go from here. That's not even getting into the sexual side of things because that's a can of worms unto itself... anyway I'm just... yeah.

Last night I expressed that I felt lonely and tired, that I noticed she was growing more and more disconnected from me, and more and more distant. That she only sought out touch when she wanted me to help her sleep or it was her habit to hold me hand in a given situation, and she routinely ignored when *I* asked for the same thing, or gave it in only perfunctory amounts. So, I stopped asking, because it was clear it was a burden to her and not something she actually enjoyed doing. Which is what led to the whole conversation. I wanted to know why she had disconnected from us, and she said she needed to think about that.

Which, now that I've written all that down, kinda scares me. I'm going to let that fear settle down for now and give her space to think before I react, though, because that's the fair thing to do. Still... I feel how I feel, and how I feel is very not great right now.

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morgana96 · 1 year

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What Went Wrong with the Lancer Quests?

(Warning: Lancer Class Quests, Rogue Class Quests, and other Minor ARR Spoilers Under the Cut)

When I first started Final Fantasy XIV, I already knew I’d be maining Dragoon. Estinien is my favorite character and the one who drew me to the game in the first place, so my interest in the job was well cemented before I even picked it up. And while I like to play all the other jobs as well, Dragoon has remained my favorite to this day, and the one I play on the most often.

Which is why it’s quite ironic that I think the Lancer quests are some of the worst in the entire game.

It didn’t really hit me how bad the questline was back when I did it as a sprout, especially since it was my first one. But several years and many job quests later, Lancer stands out as tragically inadequate, even compared to some of the other class quests from A Realm Reborn.

Based on what I've seen from other players, I'm hardly alone in this opinion. But rather than just complain about it, I want to take a close look at the questline. It’s a good opportunity discuss the story’s key issues, as well as suggest new ideas for a potential rewrite.

To prepare for this, I’ve recently replayed the questline so that I can give an accurate and proper review. I doubt anyone who actually writes for this game will ever see this. But I'd still like to put my thoughts out there, especially since it can lead to good discussion about how the game could be improved overall.

Problem #1: The Plot Puts Too Much Focus on the Wrong Things

Writing a good story requires an understanding of balance. Characters, plots, and themes need to work together in order to create a strong narrative, because when even one of these elements is lacking, the entire story gets dragged down. This is exactly the situation I think is plaguing the Lancer quests; instead of a balanced narrative, it throws way too much focus on its attempted theme, neglecting the characters, pacing, and plot and leading to an ineffective story overall.

The main theme the story tries to convey is the idea of courage vs recklessness; in their training, lancers are encouraged to harness their sense of courage in order to face dangerous foes, while not slipping into reckless behavior that could end up getting themselves or others hurt/killed.

Now this in itself isn't a terrible lesson or anything. The problem is that the Lancer quests put way too much of the narrative focus on it. Everything the characters do and say feels like it revolves around this attempted theme, leaving them feeling like broken records instead of engaging and enjoyable characters. The WoL also spends most of the storyline having to complete various “tests of courage”, both those assigned by Ywain and those that Foulques forces them to join him in. It starts to feel repetitive rather quickly, especially when that’s all that’s being offered in terms of “plot”. And because the plot and characters are so underdeveloped, the theme being pushed so desperately just comes off as an annoying hindrance by the end.

The finale only emphasizes the problem, as the truth behind Foulques’ actions is revealed with barely six minutes left in the story. Many years ago, he was a lancer in the guild, and participated in robbing the guild with several friends and compatriots. But when he felt guilty and tried own up to it, the other accomplices framed him as the sole criminal, resulting in Foulques being subjected to anti-Duskwight prejudice and eventually imprisoned, while the others faced no consequences.

This sudden revelation leaves the player with unanswered questions and unresolved issues. Who and where are Foulques' ex-friends and co-conspirators? Are they still out there continuing to profit from their clear corruption/prejudice? Why isn’t there a more significant reaction from the guild to the truth behind this scandal being revealed? Why was such a significant plot point introduced with barely any time left in the story? And why did Foulques spend six quests throwing the Warrior of Light and others into random peril instead of, you know, actually trying to get revenge on those who horribly wronged him?

In my opinion, the story needs less repetitive theme pushing and more focus on the past guild robbery and those involved. Instead of random lancers-in-training, Foulques’ main targets should have been his former co-conspirators (perhaps going as far as to kill them one by one), and the WoL would have had to work with Ywain to discover the motive behind the attacks. This would be a much more engaging plot to watch unfold throughout several quests, and it would add some much needed intrigue and character growth in a nearly lifeless narrative.

The theme of “courage vs recklessness” can also still fit into a rewrite. Foulques would probably still judge the entire guild as “cowards” due to the cowardly actions of his former friends. He might also consider his recklessly vengeful actions “true courage”, regardless of whether innocents were caught in the crossfire or not. Meanwhile, Ywain could take the satisfying step of righting the Lancer’s Guild’s past failures; by finally holding the other conspirators accountable - and acknowledging that the guild must do better from now on - it would drive home that having the courage to admit to mistakes is just as important as courage in battle.

Problem #2: Foulques is a Poorly Written Character

I’ve actually seen a lot of players talk about Foulques over the years. For a minor character introduced so early on, he has quite the cult following, and I think it’s safe to say that I’m not alone in thinking this character deserved better.

To be honest, I don’t really like canon Foulques. But the reason I dislike him is mainly because whoever wrote him did a pretty horrendous job. He had potential to be an interesting and complex villain, as his justifiable anger about the wrongs committed against him could have warped and twisted his moral code. But instead, he spends the quests acting like a presumptuous jerk who thinks hazing lancer recruits will prove he’s the pinnacle of “true courage”.

The backstory they created for Foulques is honestly one of the most sympathetic in the game. But again, it isn’t even revealed until the back end of the final level 30 quest. Until that moment, you get ZERO explanation as to why Foulques is doing what he’s doing. No clues, no subtext, no steady and satisfying reveal - only a rushed exposition dump that feels disconnected from the character’s personality up until then.

You can’t just drop a complex and nuanced backstory at the last second and call that good writing. The upbringing and backstory of a character is integral to the character’s overall personality, much like how it is for real people who grow up and experience different circumstances. Yet somehow, Foulques’ backstory feels like an afterthought, dropped at the last second instead of integrated naturally.

Again, the best way to remedy this is to refocus Foulques’ motivations and actions. Adding the other co-conspirators as secondary antagonists would allow them to become the main targets of Foulques’ rage. Meanwhile, the background characters in the lancer’s guild could be collateral caught in the crossfire of his goals.

Furthermore, featuring these false friends as characters would be a good chance to show the consequences of not punishing them. Based on how they treated Foulques, there’s a good chance several - if not all of them - went on to continue their corruption in other ways, especially if they felt confident that they could keep getting away with it. If these further misdeeds were to be revealed, it would further show that the Lancer’s Guild’s actions failed not only Foulques, but the later victims of the co-conspirators.

Problem #3: Ywain is Underutilized

Ywain’s probably not someone brought up often when it comes to people’s favorite NPCs. In fact, I’ve seen certain players actively hate him because they consider him complacent in what happened to Foulques.

But honestly, I think Ywain is as much a victim of the story's bad writing as Foulques is. It’s not like he knew about all of this and was conspiring to hide the truth from the WoL/others or something. He finds out about Foulques' history in the literal final moments of the story, and because that history was thrown in so haphazardly late, his reaction is haphazardly rushed and poorly written in turn.

Overall, I think the biggest problem with Ywain is that he feels like he’s hardly participating in the story at all. Technically, he is the other main character in the WoL’s journey to become a lancer, and should be an important part of the plot. But instead, Ywain is a largely inactive presence; he spends most of the questline standing in a single spot of the guild and telling the WoL to go off on their own somewhere. He’s stationary both physically and in terms of development, which I think was a huge error in judgement on the part of the original writer.

I can’t help but compare this characterization issue with one of my favorite class quests: Rogue. Jacke, V’kebbe, and Perimu don’t have the issue Ywain does. They join you on various Rogue’s Guild missions, fight with you through several instances, and regularly banter with you and each other so you get a good idea of who they each are. Hell, these three even continue to help the WoL long after they graduate from Rogue, becoming allies with the Doman Ninjas and providing them with intel and extra manpower when needed.

The Rogue Quests did a much better job of utilizing their NPCs than what we see here. It’s practically impossible to become invested in a character that feels so removed from the plot itself. It’s no wonder Ywain gets forgotten - and even hated - when the lancer story gives him literally nothing to grow on. Instead of letting him be an actual character, the narrative regulates him to a one-dimensional mouthpiece used to assign the next set of tasks.

My frustration with the in-game writing only grew when I learned Ywain’s backstory from the lore book. Back when he was still a Wood Wailer, he and Landenel (the Wailer Captain at Camp Tranquil who was in Company of Heroes) were very close friends. At some point, a lack of judgement led to Landenel making a serious mistake - one that would have gotten him in a lot of trouble, and would have been exacerbated by the undeserved disdain Landenel often faced as the son of a known criminal. But wanting to protect his friend from unfair treatment, Ywain took the blame for everything and was kicked out of the Wood Wailers, though his name was later cleared and he was given the guildmaster position.

Ywain essentially did for Landenel what the co-conspirators refused to do for Foulques. This could have been an excellent way to give the two a comparable history, and if anyone would be insulted by the betrayal Foulques faced, you’d think it would be Ywain. But once again, this all goes to waste because the Lancer Quests never bring up Ywain’s history. I can’t understand how such relevant information ended up being ignored and left out, especially since it could have helped flesh Ywain out and allowed him to understand Foulques a little bit better.

In an improved version of the Lancer Quests, Ywain needs the narrative room to develop. He needs to be more involved in the plot and the tasks set for the WoL, so that the player can actually get to know him instead of just going to him briefly for their next assignment. He and the WoL should learn about Foulques history at an earlier point in the questline, and given his history with Landenel, it would make sense for him to be sympathetic. Ywain doesn’t necessarily need to agree with Foulques’ methods or means of revenge. But creating a common ground between them would greatly improve the nuance of both characters.

~~~

Thank you so much for taking the time to read! I plan to post my rewrite ideas sometime in the near future, but until then, I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts about this questline and its storytelling.

If you enjoyed my writing, please consider sharing and leaving feedback!

#Final Fantasy XIV #FFXIV #Lancer Quests #Foulques of the Mist #Ywain Deepwell #Long Posts #My Writing

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