#ask fbp

[fixing-bad-posts]

Quick, hit me with a follower-losing take!

sometimes, burying your gays is not only okay, but critically necessary to telling a good story and honouring your thematic arcs. and "good representation" is an undefinable, largely useless pursuit.

#ask fbp #anon ask #this one is targeted: unfollow me if you disagree #if you understand me please stick around

[thisisthinprivilege]

thin priviege in rave/festival/EDM culture

I have always loved raves and music festivals since I was an early teenager (I'm 23 now).  Since I've been 18 I have been able to travel around to different festivals like Ultra, Zoo, Cochella, Bonnaroo, etc. And because I live in Vegas I have been able to attend some of the most elite clubs where internationally famous DJs have played. In many ways I am aware of how incredibly lucky I am to have the economic privilege to do all of these things thanks to my very supportive parents (they were hippies and enjoyed quite a few festivals in their day I'm guessing).

But instead, I want to talk about thin privilege at these events. The events themselves have become incredibly fashion conscious these last few years. People plan their outfits far far ahead of time and put so much thought into them. Which is great to some degree. But for me it is incredibly frustrating.  My thin friends that I go with were tiny shorts and skirts, wear body paint and next to nothing.  I am far from slut shaming them, I encourage them and help them plan outfits. I am happy for them. They are often asked by event photographers to take pictures.Their instagram photos get 100s of likes, DJs invite them in stage to dance.  They look great and everyone compliments them. It seems that dressing up is part of the fun for them. It is pretty much expected that you'll look good at the events, instead of actually enjoying the music. Not to mention the amount of people, that wear fat shaming clothing items that say things like "no fat chicks" and or "body by god and iron". As if being thin is all about being blessed by god and working out, not simply just genetics.  Thin girls wear shorts that say bootyful and get applauded and agreed with, not laughed hysterically at.

But then there is me. I am 5'6 and about 278. I have trouble in a size 24, usually the largest size available in places to do have larger sizes in my area. I feel often as I am somewhere between small fat and just simply fat. I know I don't have it to the worst, but growing up in  where literally everyone is hot and thin, I often feel much larger than I am, and I am usually the fattest person in the room, and I am then treated the worst because of it. As you guys and FBP have mentioned, fat shaming is usually relative, which I can 100% attest to. I only realize that I am not alone when I visit other cities where people are my size or larger.

I cannot ever find festival clothes that will fit my body and look good on me. The best I can do is usually wear leggings or tights with large men's hunting tops (those bright yellow/green/orange tshirts) and try and repurpose them to have ties, holes, etc. I've become really good at it (at least, I think so) and no one ever notices. I put just as much into my outfits and yet I never get noticed. I was even asked to step out of a picture because all my friends had on matching clothes that I couldn't fit into and therefore couldn't wear. I had to go as the fat friend on the side.

When I'm not going unnoticed, the stares i get are always out of disgust. People cannot fathom why a fat girl would bother with one of these events. Apparently only thin people in cute outfits can like EDM.

I just wish that the attention could go back to the music and happy community vibes and not the fashion of thin people.

#thin privilege #body policing #clothes #submission

[splashtailstar]

hi, it's tumblr user @fixing-bad-posts (i'm on anon because i can't be bothered to log out of my main blog and log into the blog i use to send asks from when i'm conducting fbp business lol).

back in march you sent me a few submissions, but i think tumblr messed up and ate the images. i just have your image descriptions but no actual images! one of them read, "reminder that he/him lesbians and they/them lesbians are real 🫶" and there was another that said, "lesbian 👏🏻 is 👏🏻👏🏻 an 👏🏻 umbrella 👏🏻 term! 👏🏻"

if you're still up to submitting, would you mind sending them back in? sorry for the hassle!

sure! thank you for including the date submitted bc it helped ve find them quicker

#rowan's asks #anon #fixing-bad-posts

[dirtyfinger]

Also Thursday: Did you know the #RockefellerCenter ice skating rink has been a ROLLER RINK all summer? @SohoRadio (where I do #FreakForAll) has one last night of their residency and has asked @djtaranyc and I to provide the perfect ROLLER SKATING JAMS. Come check @flippers.world at @rockefellercenter. I'm on 4-6pm with a box of my favorite 45s to roll to... #fbp (at Flipper’s Roller Boogie Palace at Rockefeller Center) https://www.instagram.com/p/CigcnrCMuI5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#rockefellercenter #freakforall #fbp

[debtorplier53]

Beauty - The Six Figure Problem

However, not like the beauty predictions the mixed QCD-EW corrections to the asymmetry are positive, as a result of up-sort and down-type quarks have opposite weak prices. POSTSUBSCRIPT, which is what she would have believed if she as an alternative started with the common Gaussian prior. The parameters of the prior are common information. This prior is common to all agents. The semantic game for a primary-order sentence is a game with good information in the sense that, at every resolution point, the energetic participant is conscious of all prior strikes. POSTSUBSCRIPT with perfect precision. POSTSUBSCRIPT; one is the precision of those beliefs, and the opposite is the entropy. Definition 2 (Precision privacy loss in equilibrium). Thus, any deterministic equilibrium cannot be supported if privateness is incorporated into the utility perform, and a point of randomization is critical; however, the subsequent section will present that the prediction of the deterministic optimum will serve as the core deterministic component to an optimal randomized technique.

As written, privacy shouldn't be in the players’ utility features, and it's an excessive amount of to ask for a prediction that incorporates privateness without actually incorporating privateness into the utility perform. However, there are at least two points with such an approach to aesthetic prediction. More importantly, there's a big conceptual difference between the models of differential privacy and our mannequin. Keynes initially proposed this as a model to clarify the conduct of monetary markets, where the value of an asset relies upon as a lot on its basic potential for returns because it does the collective perception in its potential for returns. However, brokers in our mannequin should not using the Gaussian mechanism to attain differential privacy, and such a assure can't be recovered111There are different, more sophisticated mechanisms that may obtain differential privateness with unbounded input knowledge. Hence, the agents care about each privacy and accuracy, and this tradeoff determines how much noise they ultimately add. The addition of noise either centrally or domestically prevents some other occasion from studying the exact worth of the private data with excessive confidence, and is assumed to be necessary to make brokers willing to produce their data. The issue is that for any choice of finite variance, adding Gaussian noise to private indicators which can be sufficiently distant will produce noisy actions that are far apart, and can thus be distinguished with high confidence.

Each player’s alternative of a noise-producing distribution could be considered committing to a set of parameters which describe that distribution. Repeated programs of antibiotics are thought to advertise yeast overgrowth by killing pleasant bacteria within the physique together with invading pathogens. POSTSUBSCRIPT signals. The second cause might be regarded as a second-order impact of this over-weighting. Now, if different agents’ strategies are convex combinations of indicators, then the unique finest response is also a convex combination of signals. Proposition 1. These results say that the optimal motion is a convex combination of agents’ expectations in regards to the state. One line of the works follows the classic pattern recognition process, which constructs the FBP system using the combination of the hand-crafted features and the shallow predictors. The results of the appearance-based mostly shallow predictors for all the info are shown in Table VI. The most effective-performing BERT layers are generally situated in the higher half of the Transformer community. The salient thought is that a rational contestant should consider her personal opinions about which entrants are the most stunning as well as her beliefs concerning the opinions of all different contestants, and perhaps her beliefs about the beliefs of the opposite players’ opinions of different players, and her beliefs in regards to the beliefs about the beliefs concerning the beliefs in regards to the opinions of different gamers, and so on.

That is, they search to maximize their anticipated utility given their data and their beliefs about different gamers. POSTSUBSCRIPT can't offer any measure of privacy to the gamers. Contrast measure computed because the ratio between the difference of max-min values of the Y channel and the Y common. B values in the APS dataset. Our dataset differs from CUHK in several ways. Our work differs from the formal examine of privateness in that we use a definition of which doesn't (essentially) fulfill the strictness of the varied variations of differential privateness. On this work, we research a game-theoretic setting the place privateness is a priority, slightly than designing a privateness-preserving mechanism. To see this, recall that differential privacy requires that for any set of output of the mechanism have to be approximately as seemingly when input is neighboring, which sometimes means differing in a single file. We cut up the info into 5 random partitions, using one of many partitions because the check set and the remaining as training, and learn regression coefficients to predict the aesthetic scores on the test set utilizing the totally different teams of features. Moreover, as anticipated by 1인샵 , we verify that the classifier based on our wealthy portrait options outperforms the classifiers primarily based on the other teams of options, suggesting that detailed info of face properties and landmarks is extra discriminative for portrait classification than conventional compositional features.

#massage #health #well-beng #beauty #spa #aroma #healing #life #theraphy

[theangiediary]

what is fbp if you dont mind me asking? just curious 😅

Folsom Prison Blues! (2x19). One of my favorite eps for Sam and Dean individual characterisation meta, which I attempt, messily, below. Disclaimer: l really do like both of them, this is not meant to be Sam slander!!

Sam and empathy: usually the "nice"/pc brother, is shown to not care much about the inmates' lives being at risk. I think if you asked him earlier in s2 if former convicted criminals should have the same rights as others, he'd probably say yes. Certainly if you asked if doing something wrong meant you weren't worth saving, he'd disagree. But here, as in the doc Benton ep and faith (with the iconic "dean he probably would have died anyway" line), Sam places himself and Dean above others, only their lives aren't actually at risk here, just their freedom. And reminder, the things these folks are in prison for, Sam and Dean have probably done (fraud, car jacking, drug possession, etc). Projecting here, but I think this offers some insight into soulless!Sam. I don't think sam's naturally empathetic; I think he values kindness, desires to be seen that way, and chooses it more often that not, but he's got a bit of a superiority complex, narcissistic tendencies. (No, I'm not forgetting he also sees himself as a monster, tainted by evil. Get a girl that can do both).

Dean and self image: dean is shown regularly in early seasons to have terrible self esteem (hello "you look in the mirror and hate what you see"). But he also calls himself/hunters heros ("why do I gotta be some kind of hero?" "Dad's a hero!"). I think this is a really interesting insight into heroism in USAmerican culture; there are those that believe "heros" (police, military, to a lesser extent doctors/coaches/etc) are special individuals who are owed something by the public for their sacrifice. And then there are those who believe it is the duty of everyone to act the interest and service of others, to the extent they are able (knowledge=responsibly here). A bad read of dean would put him in the first camp, gun slinging bully who sees women as the reward for hunting, but I don't think that's entirely fair or accurate.

Truly, the exchange Sam: "doesn't it bother you how easily you fit in here? Dean: "Not really" gives me brainrot.

Other quick points in this ep: dean and body image, and Dean and relationship to other hunters.

Dean and Body image: (spoilers) dean takes several beatings in this ep for the case, from other inmates. While Dean taking hits in hunting is pretty standard (and presumably contributing to his self image as the "grunt"), this is a little different in that the offenders are just people, and dean forgives and bonds with them immediately. just. Ugh it gives me feeelings, esp combined with both boys "you're mad? Would taking a swing make you feel better?" approach to problems. Did John ever hit dean? I don't know. I think both sides can be made from the text, and this is part of it.

Dean's relationship with warden deacon: just *chef's kiss*. Again, Sam sees this case as too risky while Dean sees it as a duty since deacon served with john (thats just..... Dean paying his dad's debts, John's friends are his friends, dean as an extension of john). Deacon offers the "normal"/outside perspective: it is risky and most people wouldn't do it, shouldnt be asked to, but he did and he's grateful they said yes.

#thank you nonnie for giving me the opportunity to rant about this #the sam coded dean girl really jumped out here eh? #i think this is the type of this bruce campbell gave slack to in his review of spn as a horror show lol #😅 #spn meta #sam winchester #dean winchester #writ tag

[littlemulattokitten]

I want to publicly thank you for Poppy. Thank you.

Orion the A++ grandfather. I’m so glad you enjoy him. You’re welcome and thank you for reading.

#anon #anon asks #FBP #The Fourth Blood Princess #fanfics #asks

[macperalta]

i feel like you might have answered this before but how did you first get into b99? what was the moment that got you into the fandom? For me I was a casual fan but then they released a still advertising season 3 with jake and amy in bed from new captain and then i officially got involved in the fandom lmao

ahhh I love this question thank u💕 also I’m jealous that u got into the fandom so early! i wish i was here to scream with y’all when that photo was released!!!! as for my story i always think it was ✨fate✨ that brought b99 to me🥺 so it was the summer after s1 released and i was on a plane on my way back from the US and randomly watched b99 just cause i was bored. and i remember there were only a couple of episodes but it made me laugh so much. but unfortunately when i got home i can’t find it anywhere available in taiwanese streaming platforms so I kinda gave up. and then in the beginning of 2017 i just finished my college entrance exam and was just mindlessly scrolling through twitter and watched this video that made me laugh and thought the people looked familiar AND GUESS WHAT it was the fbp coldopen and i found my show again! (guess this will always be my romance story lol sara x b99 we ship it❤️🥰) as for when i joined the fandom I’ll say i had actually been lurking on tumblr for a few months before i really started to be active on this blog (so about two and an half years ago? idk) and i love this fandom and getting to know u guys💗💕💖

ask me questions🥺 (don’t have to be b99 related hehe)

#sara answers #oh this got long lol

[germaphrodite]

this stalker stuff makes me feel insane....facetimed a publisher who flirted with me and I panicked and hung up on him, finding out one of the threads D asked about keeping watched wasn't completely vouched, compulsively checking the view activity of my fbp, tumblr and IG to pinpoint and research IP addresses, feeling grief that I can't even bike, quarantine is so much worse, I can't wash my face, how much further will I disappear, the spiral spins down, down, down to what center?

#feeling this trapped makes me want to burn the house down

[re-readingcomics]

Reflections on New York Comic Con 2013

This was my first time, it was also the only time I got tickets with anyone.  (One of my cousins, we actually didn’t see much of each other in the Con. His big thing was he wanted Stan Lee’s autograph. I wanted to see a lot. When I later did get Stan Lee’s autograph I missed several things I considered seeing. But that was years later. So here are the tweets I sent and the time and what I think about them now.

Serious answers, it takes a lot of effort to keep track of when and where comics people are doing signings, especially if they aren’t in Artist Alley. Pay attention to their social media, their publisher’s social media and any other organization that they’re doing events with. Non-Artist Alley signing are scheduled by the convention, expensive, and require you to spend a lot of time online.

I honestly don’t remember what else I was doing then. I was a few months at the job that I currently have and I may have started a task that was much longer than anyone anticipated. I don’t want to think about that now, probably wanted less then.

I didn’t get to see him. It was a crazy day. Reading about his panel was the first time I heard of Sense8. I’ll always wonder if Sense8 would have felt more like a Babylon 5 follow up if it had run longer.

I dressed as the Creeper. I chose this because of the recently re-released mini series Beware the Creeper, which I got because I liked Cliff Chaing’s art on Wonder Woman. Chaing was one of the first people I saw at that convention, and one of the people I have seen most regularly. The next year I saw someone in a much more ornate Creeper costume, more of the Steve Ditko version, and it made my jaw drop.

Several times at this convention I was mistaken for Poison Ivy, including with some Cat Calling. I mostly corrected them. Let no one call me a “fake geek girl.”

This is the only time I’ve gotten to meet Kelly Sue DeConnick, though I’m going to have another chance soon at Book Con. It was at an Image Comics booth, a few weeks before the first issue of Pretty Deadly was published. (At the time I was hoping that they would have preview issues available.) Everyone on line had things she worked on for other publishers. I had the first two trade paperbacks of her Captain Marvel run, and the guy either in front or behind me had the individual issues for the first part of her Dark Horse Ghost run. I mentioned that  I hadn’t read it and he reacted incredulously. I have since read all of DeConnick’s Ghost run and what was collected by Dark Horse in Ghost Omnibus vol 1. I wrote about the two launches of the series at Women Write About Comics.

The guy with the Ghost comics made a comment about why some character, maybe Carol Danvers?, didn’t smile more on covers. DeConnick immediately got into a “do you know what an aggressive and condescending thing that is to say?” (Not her exact words, but also this was the first he heard of it.) I pointed out the then still raising funds on Kickstarter art project “Stop Telling Women to Smile”. DeConnick hadn’t heard of it, so I tweeted to her about it later. I have no idea if she ever looked at it.

I don’t remember this scene in Once Upon a Time. This was during the third season, with the Peter Pan plot, in  my opinion the best plot the show did, (though I gave up during the Frozen plot despite really liking the cast) Jennifer Morrison was there, she lobbied on behalf of a cosplayer for her character to get a ball gown so that future cosplayers could dress like her.

After the OUAT panel, I rushed up to the main Show Floor to get to the Oni Comics Booth. I went there to meet Brian Woods and get him to sign his miniseries Mara (technically published by Image Comics.) I had decided to read this after scanning through an DC Women Kicking Ass where there were posts excited about his  all female X-Men book. I haven’t followed DC Women Kicking Ass for a while, so I don’t know what their current content is like, but at the time, they were very into the backlash of the DC relaunch known as The New 52. A lot of the criticism from DC Women Kicking Ass was about the lack of female characters who made the transition, possible demotions of importance in their titles and the lack of female creators. So the dominant tone of their coverage of Woods was “this guy gets it while DC keeps fucking up.” I had a fine and pleasant time meeting Woods. However, shortly after NYCC that year, news broke that he was a serial sexual harasser. The news was shocking, and the next year I would have a similar pleasant encounter with a male creator who was then revealed to be abusive, but I’ll get to that later.

I do want to note that this year Marvel announced a few new titles starring female characters and some with female creators. (in retrospect the most important was Ms Marvel written by G Willow Wilson). There was some talk about how they were doing better than DC, when in fact, this got both of their numbers about even, especially if you count Vertigo, as I do. This has led me to a couple of conclusions,. The first is that roll out is probably the most important thing, if one is trying to look like an inclusive publisher without actually being one. DC relaunched every title they published bringing attention to the fact that few were starring and/or created by women and/or people of color, while Marvel launched a few titles that fit that description and got lauded. A few years later, when Marvel relaunched their entire line, they were rightly criticized, as DC was during the New 52. The second is the fact that there are The Big Two and they’re being rivals is bad for the cause of gender and racial equality in comics, because no criticism of one can be read without thinking it’s praise for the other, and that essentially leaves both off the hook. Anyway, here’s a criticism of Woods’s X-Men run.

I went to two other panels that day, both were run by DC Comics. The first, which was about continued promotion of The New 52 was controversial. It even got mentioned in this book about Wonder Woman I read, but honestly I don’t remember it being as egregious as discussed there. The book says that the people from DC gave expensive gifts to people who asked flattering questions and nothing to those who were critical of how the company was treating it’s female characters. I remember everyone who asked questions getting gifts. After the convention I did meet a couple of people who were at the panel and were very upset about how they addressed questions about Wonder Woman’s costume (they tried giving her pants and making it less skimpy, then got even more complaints than keeping her more traditional costume) and after debuting some covers of upcoming issues, Cliff Chiang quipped about how it was always good if you could get some bondage in a Wonder Woman cover.

(Here are the covers if interested:

I’m selling it in my eBay store along with other comics that I had autographed.)

Part of why I feel pretty sure people got prizes for unflattering questions is because…

I got one from the Vertigo panel, and my question wasn’t great.  I tried to ask a process question, which was essentially when do you know if a series is better for a limited or indefinite run. But I think I said it unclearly. The answer I got was no great, but the Nexus was. I kept it until a few months ago when I broke it and could no longer replace the parts.  (I don’t know why in the tweet I couldn’t decide if I I was writing “won” or “one” and decided to split the difference. Maybe, because of the circumstances, it didn’t exactly feel like a prize.)  Anyway, in later years, they no longer gave such gifts to people asking questions. I’m sadder that none to the titles that Vertigo had recently released around then  and was promoting at the event (FBP, Hinterland, Coffin Hill, even the relaunching of American Vampire) are still around. It’s a shame, I followed most of them.

#Comic books #comic con memories #NYCC #NYCC13 #cosplay #The creeper #j michael straczynski #kelly sue deconnick #Captain Marvel #Ms Marvel #Ghost #stop telling women to smile #DC comics #Wonder Woman #cliff chaing #vertigo comics #Marvel Comics #once upon a time #pretty Deadly #dark horse comics

[fixing-bad-posts]

Please please please please PLEASE do one of the mean definitions of gender on urban dictionary. There’s some good gems but the rest need you to fix them.

have i pleased you, anon? 😉

#ask fbp #anon ask #fbp submission #...sort of #erasure poetry #gender identity #self identification #queer

[mydetheturk]

some detroit: become human dpd headcanons

an... amount of headcanons under the cut i guess???

nobody’s straight in that particular office

nobody

captain fowler has his hands full herding a bunch of chaotic bis and disaster androids

an office full of chaotic bis and disaster androids

gavin reed has a picture of his moms on his desk in front of their “son boys allowed” sign in their living room

sometimes he smiles at it goofily when he’s supposed to be doing paperwork

the vast majority of the detectives and lieutenants are millenials and gen z, someone has yeeted an empty coffee cup across the bullpen

(hank has the record for the furthest yeeted cup)

it made it the entire way across the bullpen

if you think they haven’t had an FBP you’re wrong on so many levels

hank has said “i ignored the parental advisory warning on green day’s american idiot and now im gay and hate the government.”

connor was lik e???? but you’re a cop????

hank: connor do you know what situational irony is

captain fowler has compared controlling the office to herding cats

once a week someone makes a comment about how they’re going to steal officer miller’s wife because she’s such a good cook and everyone loves her food

the “days since last bullshit” sign is more like an “hours since last bullshit” sign

said sign is usually on zero

the android cops get baffled by the human cops but the reverse also happens

once the revolution happens there’s a frankly terrifying amount of giggling from the android cops

even connor gets in on it

connor gets the newly-awoken rk900 in on the robot giggles

it is kind of stressful for like a week because none of the humans actually want to ask why all the androids are giggling

memes

its memes

one of the androids hacked security footage and is making not-vines out of the videos

there is video proof of someone t-posing for dominance and if that wasn’t an out of date meme what wasn’t

there is a meme revival in the office and its a delight

have i talked about how much everyone loves officer miller’s wife because everyone loves her

she’s so sweet 

even the androids are sweet on her

there is a roomba with a speaker and a knife duct taped to it

none of the androids will admit that they put the knife on it

everyone just lets the roomba do its job and tries not to get knifed

when pressed connor asks the roomba if it doesn’t mind the knife and it beeps happily at him because it LIKES having power

which is scary tbh

#myde talks #dbh #detroit become human #headcanons #there is a roomba with a knife

[golden-redhead]

What would the FBP involve though? There's only one fix-it that I know of that goes with that twist and it's just Momokuma escorting the Killer to the Shrine of Judgement to say their goodbyes

I don’t remember how it goes in canon, they ask the person who did it before the trial, right? Well, I think the best way would be to let them have an investigation anyway, maybe not necessarily with a trial but still. It’s kind of complicated because Kaede didn’t claim her perk because she still hoped to expose the mastermind. I don’t think Maki would be willing to do the same because she’e simply not this kind of person, not this early in the game. We could also go for a twist with the outside world reveal, where Monokuma takes her there and tells her that she can go. But we know how the ‘outside world’ looks like in the game, so she has to choose between death… or going back to continue the game with her secret talent revealed and everyone knowing that she killed someone. Bonus points if she can’t tell about what she’s seen.

It would be also fun in V3 scenario? Simply because it creates so many interesting questions, like how do you pull someone out from a stimulation? Do they just disappear on the spot? Are they taken somewhere? Who knows!  

#ask #anon #ndrv3 spoilers

[minijenn]

Universe Falls Chapter 45

Alas, tis finally here and its... ok. Nothing too special and you can kinda tell I rushed through it but meh its aight. Its kinda gonna be the lull point of this arc, I think, figures that would happen smack dab in the middle of it. But either way, I hope you still enjoy it so lets go!

Previous: http://minijenn.tumblr.com/post/167946641243/universe-falls-chapter-44

Chapter 45: Soos and the Real Girl

G UNSD BD HQYX, A UCGZY TF OWZMX MEE NOFJQY FKOTJ NS N ZKIZYISSR ANLHG ZAB XTMRRNQSL AOMAB MJR VQT'B VZIGC XQLMT FRGVI MEE SV ISI YBS'XM NS FBP G NWNGUR

While the Mystery Shack had just closed for the evening, its staff still hung about for a bit to help close everything up for the night. Seeing as how there wasn’t really much to do, Stan decided to turn Dipper and Mabel lose to their own devices early, which was news that Mabel in particular was more than glad to hear. Excited about her freed-up evening, she skipped merrily towards the gift shop door, only for her exit to be abruptly halted as she ended up bumping into the screen door, getting her braces in adherently caught in its mesh wiring.

“Augh! Braces!” she cried, frantically trying to pry the metal in her mouth out of the screen tightly entrapping it as everyone else in the shop was quickly alerted to her situation. “Braces caught in the screen door! Someone dictate my will! I’m giving it all to Waddles!”

“Whoa, hold on there, girl-dude,” Soos interjected as he hurried over to help. “Just sit still and say ‘ah’.”

Mabel did so, calming her panicked struggle down to allow the handyman to easily and painlessly pry her braces out of the screen door with his screwdriver. “Soos! You saved me!” she exclaimed brightly after quickly checking over her braces.

“Heh, just doin’ my job, hambone,” Soos remarked warmly, smoothly tossing his screwdriver back into its spot on his toolbelt before turning to leave for the night. “See you dudes tomorrow!”

“Bye, Soos!” the twins called out after the handyman, waving him farewell.

“Night, Soos,” Stan and Wendy both replied much more casually amidst being distracted with other tasks. Soos gave the others one last cheerful wave before blithely heading outside to go home for the night, just as he usually did.

“You ever wonder what Soos does when he’s not here at the Mystery Shack?” Mabel asked, genuinely curious to know how the handyman spent his free time. A sentiment that none of the others really seemed to share.

“No.”

“Not really.”

“Not once ever.”

As it turned out, most of Soos’ time outside of work he spent at home in the company of his Abuelita and his video game collection, namely his copy of First Person Puncher, which he was playing has he helped his grandmother highlight her hair. “Punch! Punch those leopards!” the handyman exclaimed, engrossed in the fast paced action of his game until the timer sitting on the nearby table went off. “Oh! Highlights are done!” he proclaimed, turning to Abuelita as he began taking the foil out of her hair. “You’re gonna make the other grandmas at the bingo hall so jealous!”

“Just a minute, mi’ijo,” she interjected with her usual calm smile as she handed Soos a letter. “Look at this. Your cousin Reggie is having an engagement party next month.”

“Wait, what?” Soos asked, flabbergasted as he looked over the invitation, which pictured Reggie happily embracing his fiancé. “Reggie is engaged? B-but how? He’s like the poor man’s Soos!”

“Yes, well…” Abuelita began somewhat awkwardly as she placed a hand on her grandson’s arm. “I do not want to pressure you, Soos, but you are a man now… in a way. It’s time for you to start meeting girls. I would like to see you settled before I ascend to heaven and live with the angels.”

“And with grandpa!” Soos quipped innocently.

“No, he is… not there…” Abuelita corrected, glancing down knowingly for a beat. “Anyway, please find a girl to bring to Reggie’s engagement party. For Abuelita.” The elderly woman smiled encouragingly, placing a hand against her grandson’s face before she got up and walked out of the room, leaving Soos to mull over this request.

“Oh, no problem, Abuelita!” Soos called after her with apt resolve, knowing that he wasn’t about to let her down. “I have all the qualities that I’m fairly sure girls are into. I’m great at fixing stuff, playing video games, having a sort-of mustache. I could totally get a date in a week! Totally. Piece of cake.” The handyman smiled to himself as he leaned back against the couch, picking up his game controller once more as he stepped himself in his confidence that he’d be able to find a date easily enough. After all, even though he had never been a relationship, or on a date, or ever even asked a girl out before, his complete lack of romantic experience certainly didn’t mean he didn’t have a chance at all, did it?

Soos was broken out of his suddenly worried thoughts by his game, which he had been ignoring to the point that he ended up getting a game over as the TV blared out: “You’re dead!”

“I’m dead…” Soos echoed nervously as he realized that his quest for romance was going to be much harder than he originally hoped.

“Ok, everyone! We gotta scoot in closer to make this one work!” Steven said, pulling in tighter to Connie as Dipper and Mabel did the same. The kids had spent most of their morning in a rather lighthearted selfie-taking session, mostly since there wasn’t really too much else to do and also because it was a generally relaxing pastime. After the hectic, daunting past few weeks they had had, all four of them had taken to reveling in every laid back, lighthearted moment they could manage together, knowing better than to ever take advantage of them again after how close they had all gotten to losing such peaceful times on a number of occasions.

“Alright, I think we’re ready,” Connie grinned as all the others did the same in preparation of the photo as she held her phone out further. “Say cheese!”

“Cheese!” all four of them proclaimed in bright unison as Connie snapped the picture, only for her to notice something was off about it as soon as she got a look at it.

“Aw, Steven! You blinked!” she scolded playfully, giving him a light shove.

“Whoops! Sorry…” the young Gem blushed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hey, we can always take another one!” Mabel suggested blithely, running over to the other side of the clearing. “Hows about we try one with the view of the temple behind us? It’ll be so pretty!”

“Are you sure we don’t already have enough selfies already?” Dipper asked with an amused chuckle as they all went over to join Mabel. “I’m pretty sure Connie’s phone has gotta be running out of storage space by now.”

“Mm, actually, I think we should be good for a few more,” Connie noted, checking her phone once more.

“And besides, a group of friends can never have enough selfies!” Steven quipped cheerfully. “Huh, you know, those are some pretty good words to live by. I should really write that down...”

“Save it for later, Universe!” Mabel jokingly ordered as the kids all clustered together again with the temple in view behind them. “We got more selfies to take! Now, again, this time with feeling: cheese!”

The others all repeated this, bearing their biggest smiles as Connie attempted to take the photo, though it was a bit challenging seeing as how the screen and the camera button were both facing away from her, despite her continuously tapping at where she thought it would be.

“Did it take it?” Steven asked in a mumble, still holding his wide grin as he waited for the snap.

“I don’t know…” Connie replied, also maintain her smile as she continued her attempts at hitting the button.

“Maybe try pressing it again?” Dipper suggested, getting somewhat impatient with holding up his own smile, even though it was clear Mabel was ready to keep hers as long as she had to.

“I’ve been pressing it,” Connie assured, her grin starting to falter a bit as the photo still failed to take.

“You guys look cute.”

Steven gasped upon hearing this casual interruption to their selfie session, his photo-ready grin turning into a genuine one as he glanced across the yard at the familiar mailman who had just arrived at the shack. “Jamie!” the young Gem exclaimed excitedly as he ran over to greet him. While Connie, Dipper, and Mabel didn’t really know this young mailman, they followed suit, though not as bombastically as Steven did.

“What’s up, Steven?” Jamie asked coolly, his large sunglasses giving him an even more laid back look. “Long time, no see.”

“Ohhhhh myyyyy gosssshhh!” Steven shouted enthusiastically as he rushed to give Jamie a high five. “It really has been so long since I’ve seen you around here, Jamie! Oh, by the way, these are my friends: Connie, Dipper, and Mabel! Guys, this is Jamie: the mailman!”

“Greetings, Connie, Dipper, Mabel,” Jamie said to the kids with an amicable grin.

“Hey, how’s it going?” Dipper greeted affably.

“Nice to meet you, Jamie,” Connie nodded politely.

“I love your sunglasses!” Mabel quipped, beaming.

“Heh, thanks,” Jamie smirked as he adjusted said shades.

“So, where have you been all this time, Jamie?” Steven asked curiously. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here since the beginning of the summer!”

“Oh, you know, I’ve been spending some time where all the big movies are made…” Jamie began, his smile turning daring and dramatic. “Just a little place called… Kansas!”

“Kansas?” Dipper asked, confused. “Uh… don’t you mean Hollywood?”

“Oh, wow! Kansas!” Mabel interrupted, thoroughly impressed. “I heard that place is super glamourous! Did you meet any big-name movie stars while you were there?”

“But of course,” Jamie assured, crossing his arms.

“Like…?” Steven pursued eagerly.

“Like…. Uh… well… a bunch! I-its pretty hard to keep track of particular names when you’re rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, you know. But I did receive plenty of valuable inspiration while I was there.”

“Oh, are you an aspiring thespian?” Connie asked.

“Why, yes!” Jamie proclaimed with a bold, performer’s bow. “Yes, I am.”

“Wow! I didn’t know you wanted to become an actor!” Steven noted in amazement.

“That’s because-” Jamie suddenly paused, pulling off a dramatic spin as he clenched his fist passionately. “I’m very good at acting.”

The kids all got a good laugh out of this brief preformance, all four of them applauding it as Jamie bowed once again. “So that must be why you’re wearing those super cool sunglasses in the first place, huh?” Mabel asked, pointing to his shades that read “movie star” across the top of them. “Cause you’re on the fast track to becoming a movie star yourself?”

“Uh, well, no…” Jamie blushed awkwardly, lowering his shades a bit. “I just bought these at a souvenir shop. I missed being a regular old mailman, so I just came back. And, uh, both you and Mr. Pines got a lot of mail while I was gone, Steven…” The mailman dropped the heavy sack he’d been toting, pulling it open to reveal an abundance of packages and letters that were long past late.

“Looks like the postal service has really been slacking off,” Connie noted, bewildered by all the undelivered mail.

“Jamie’s the only mailman who comes all the way out here to the shack and the temple,” Steven explained.

“Oh so that explains why Grunkle Stan’s been so upbeat lately!” Mabel exclaimed in realization. “It’s cause he hasn’t gotten any bills since the beginning of the summer!”

“Well, if that’s the case, then he’s in for a pretty major disappointment here soon…” Dipper mused, glancing at the pile of overdue invoices intended for Stan lying on the ground.

“I’m also gonna need a lot of signatures as well,” Jamie said as he held his sign pad out to Steven.

The young Gem smiled, seemingly cracking his knuckles in preparation only for them to make no apparent sound at all. “Your knuckles are so quiet…” Connie said, impressed.

“My hands are polite,” Steven replied with a proud smile. Before he could sign however, the kids were caught off guard by a sudden rustling in the nearby trees, a familiar figure emerging from them a moment later.

“Oh! Hi, Garnet!” Mabel greeted the Gem leader first, though the other kids soon followed suit as she began to approach them.

“Who’s Garneeee-” Jamie trailed off, his jaw and his sunglasses dropping in awe as he glanced up and got his first glimpse of the Gem leader. Her form was stunning as she smoothly sauntered forward, the droplets of water drenching her sparkling in the midmorning sun. Her shades and neutral expression gave her an air of alluring mystery, one that Jamie couldn’t help but be immediately compelled by.

Her confidence only continued as she reached the group, placing a hand on her hip as she looked down to the group of kids with a casual greeting. “Howdy.”

“Hey, Garnet, whatcha up to?” Steven asked. “And why are you all wet?”

“I was just at the bottom of the lake, checking for signs of Lapis and Jasper,” Garnet reported. “Or at least as close to the bottom as I could get to…”

“Wait, what?” Dipper cut in, immediately interested in this development, seeing as how this was apparently the first time any of the Gems had done anything about the Malachite situation at all. “Did… did you see them?”

Garnet let out a soft sigh, shaking her head with apt sympathy. “No. It seems as though Malachite has trapped herself underneath a thick layer of ice just a few hundred feet down, one that spreads across the entire lake bed. I tried my best to penetrate it, but I had no luck. I’m sorry, Dipper.”

The most Dipper could do upon receiving such disparaging news was let out a small sigh of disappointment as he hung his head. He supposed it did make sense that Lapis would make herself and Jasper even more inaccessible than they already were, for the sake of protecting them all from the orange Gem’s fury. But, that didn’t change the fact that Dipper still wanted to help Lapis, just as much as ever, especially after how his last true lead has been so brutally destroyed. And though such a feat seemed even more out of reach with what Garnet had just told him, Mabel subtly reminded him that they’d get there someday by simply placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder, one that this time, he didn’t push away.

“W-wow…” Jamie spoke up softly, looking to Garnet in complete amazement. “How are you able to swim to the bottom of the lake?”

“It was easy,” Garnet shrugged, adjusting her shades. “I’m a really good swimmer.” Jamie’s jaw simply fell even more upon hearing this, his eyes widening as he noticed the Gem leader’s visor seemingly change colors from pink to blue, as if by magic. Still, Garnet didn’t seem to notice how awestruck the mailman was with her as she readjusted her posture. “Excuse me,” she said before swinging her arms out gracefully, all of the lake water flying off of her form in a singular flash of light.

An astonished gasp finally escaped Jamie at this incredible sight, his heart pounding as he continued staring at the Gem leader and nothing else. Even if Garnet herself didn’t really pay the mailman’s clear awe any mind, the kids started to take notice of it, prompting them to exchange something of a confused glance. In fact, his wonderstruck gaze only continued after the Gem leader as she bid them all farewell and began making her way up to the temple, with Jamie watching her almost longingly, even after she had completely vanished from sight.

Stan smirked readily as he watches his customers mill about the gift shop from his hidden vantage point behind a postcard display, knowing that their disposable income was a untapped potential goldmine for him. The conman wasn’t the type to turn his nose up at even mere pocket change, such as the nickel a young boy was flipping as he happened to absentmindedly wander over in his general direction. And while it was just a simple five cents, that was a five cents Stan wasn’t about to pass up.

“Hello!” he exclaimed loudly as he suddenly jumped out from behind the display, ignoring the child as he let out a startled scream and shrunk back. “Please, don’t let my horrible elderly face frighten you. Don’t you want to use that nickel to get a nugget from old Goldie?” With a flourish, the conman pulled the sheet off of the attraction behind him: a rather decrepit old novelty gold nugget dispenser, complete with a homely bronze statue of the miner sitting atop it. While Stan grinned between it and the child confidently, the kid seemed much less certain about giving his money away to such a shabby machine, which prompted the conman into giving a demonstration of exactly what it could do. “Watch this!”

Stan inserted a nickel of his own into the slot in Goldie’s mouth, activating the machine, which at first seemed to be working fine. It quickly malfunctioned though, as a plume of smoke started to rise up from it, its eyes popping out as oil poured from its open mouth while it emitted what sounded like an agonized scream. Needless to say that the child was aptly terrified by such a horrific display, which resulted in him running off crying and taking his money with him, much to Stan’s disappointment.

“Ok, seriously, Mr. Pines,” Wendy spoke up from her spot at the counter upon watching this disastrous scene unfold. “Its time to throw that old thing out. Its face reminds everyone of the inevitability of death.”

“What?! Throw him out?!” Stan exclaimed, appalled by such a suggestion. “Sure, he’s a little rough around the edges, but old Goldie is a classic showstopper, like me!” No sooner had the conman said this, however, than his hand happened to slip on the oil that had spilled from Goldie, resulting in his arm getting caught in the machine’s wide open jaws. “Ah! Kill it!” Stan cried, flailing to break his arm free in a frantic panic. “Kill it with fire!”

Despite this sudden disarray on one side of the gift shop, the other half was quite calm as Soos was contentedly working, hanging up a new stock of tee shirts. His attention was soon diverted away from his task, however, upon noticing a woman shopping just a few feet away from him, reminding him of the task his grandmother had entrusted him with the previous night. “Ah! A hwoman!” he exclaimed, suddenly nervous as he dove into the middle of a nearby circular clothes rack before the woman could notice him. “Ok, Soos,” he whispered to himself encouragingly. “You can do this. Just use your mouth to say words that make romance happen.” Upon taking in a deep, resolved breath, the handyman rose up out of the rack to do just that as he gave the unsuspecting woman an incredibly awkward greeting. “Your face is good. I am a Soos!”

Needless to say that the woman was anything but charmed by Soos’ forwardness, but was rather terrified by his sudden unsettling appearance, hence why she was quick to rush out of the shack, screaming all the while. The handyman let out a dejected sigh at his failed first attempt as he sunk back into the rack, unaware that the kids had noticed this entire bizarre exchange, and needless to say they were all unanimously curious about it.

“Soos?” Dipper asked as he pulled a few shirts aside to reveal the hiding handyman. “What was that all about?”

“I-I think I was flirting?” Soos frowned as he crawled out of the rack. “But I’m not sure…”

“Yeah, no offense, Soos, but what just happened right there… it… didn’t really look like flirting…” Connie remarked, nodding over to the door the woman just ran out of.

“Did someone say flirting?!” Mabel suddenly interjected as she popped out of a barrel of keychains nearby.

“Well… I kinda promised my grandma I’d get a date by the end of the week,” Soos began, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Problem is, I’ve never actually been on a date before. Oh, I might as well just admit it; I have no idea what I’m doing with all this romance stuff. You belong on me, out of order sign.” The handyman sighed as he took said sign off of the vending machine and pinned it to himself instead, making it clear how morose and hopeless he seemed to be.

“Aw, Soos! You’re not out of order!” Steven reassured warmly. “Maybe all you need to do is to find that one special someone out there who’s meant for you!”

“You really think that someone like that is out there, dude?” Soos asked, somewhat doubtful.

“Oh, they just gotta be out there!” Mabel quipped, growing more enthused by this discussion by the second. “Ah, this is so exciting! Finally my prayers for a chance to play match-maker this summer have been answered!”

“Soos, a little advice,” Stan interjected, having finally freed his arm from Goldie, though not without a few tears in his suit. “You need to get rich. Or lie about being rich. Outside of that, I don’t like your chances.”

“Pfft, don’t listen to Stan, dude,” Wendy scoffed. “You’re a sweet guy with a steady job and a pickup truck. Steven’s right; there’s bound to be somebody out there for you.”

“Would you date him?” Stan asked caustically.

The cashier flinched at this, immediately rushing to hide herself behind her magazine to avoid such an awkward question. “Oh, uh… Would you, um, would you look at that…”

“Soos, you help us out so much, it’s time we help you out for a change,” Dipper said with a resolved grin. “We’re gonna get you that date!”

“Yeah!” Steven exclaimed brightly as Connie nodded her agreement. “We’ll find you that special someone, or die trying! …Ok, well, maybe we won’t die, but… we’ll find her all the same!”

“Aw, thanks, dudes…” Soos beamed, truly grateful for their willingness to help him in his plight. “But uh… where are we even gonna start with something like this?”

“That’s easy,” Mabel assured confidently, already leading the way out of the shack. “We’re taking you where romance lives and fashion styles die. To the mall!”

With this destination in mind, the other kids essentially dragged the much more hesitant Soos out of the shack so they could leave, with Stan toting the clearly busted Goldie not too far behind. However, they didn’t make it too far before Steven happened to spot a certain mailman making a hurried beeline back towards the shack.

“Jamie!” the young Gem exclaimed in surprise as he headed over to meet him. The other kids curiously followed as Soos and Stan continued heading for the car, only to find that Jamie’s manner was beyond flustered as he nervously greeted the them.

“H-h-hi, kids!” the mailman stammered, anxiously holding something behind his back.

“Hiya, Jamie!” Mabel quipped cheerfully. “Are you here to deliver more bills to Grunkle Stan? Cause, uh… he wasn’t too happy about that first round earlier this morning…”

“Hey! Is that that mailman kid again?!” Stan shouted from his car, clearly far from pleased upon spotting Jamie. “You kids tell him that if he’s gonna drop off any more late bills, I’ll train Waddles to chase him off like an attack dog if he ever steps foot on this property again!”

“Wha—uh, no,” Jamie quickly shook his head, still quite jumpy as he started to pull the pink letter he had been hiding behind his back out. “I-I… I’m just… I just came to, uh… I-”

“Hey, what’s that?” Steven asked upon finally spotting the letter the mailman was gripping tightly.

Jamie blushed furiously at this, only growing even more jumpy upon being called out. “Uh… i-its… here!” Without a single word of explanation, the mailman shoved the letter into the young Gem’s hands, leaving the kids to all look to it curiously.

“But what is… it?” Connie trailed off upon glancing up to see that Jamie was already stiffly running away. As he did, he soon started to break out of his former nervousness and into a gale of rather unhinged, ever growing laughter, which only grew more wild as the confused kids happened to turn the letter over and gasp upon seeing who it was addressed to: Garnet. By now, Jamie was in a complete frenzy, laughing almost manically as he babbled nonsensically and flapped his arms out in a failed attempt to restrain his overflowing emotions before he disappeared into the woods, leaving a group of absolutely dumbfounded kids behind.

“Ok, I’m just gonna come right out and say it,” Dipper remarked somewhat bluntly. “That was really, really weird.”

“Yeah, it was…” Steven frowned as he looked to the letter in his hands again. “I wonder why Jamie would write Garnet a letter… They’ve never even met before this morning… What could it possibly say?”

“Well, why don’t we go take it up to Garnet so we can find out?” Mabel asked excitedly.

“Oh, but what about Soos?” Dipper asked, nodding back over to the car, where Stan was impatiently waiting to get going with the handyman in tow. “We promised we’d help him get a date; we can’t just back out of him now.”

“Hm… maybe we should split up,” Connie suggested thoughtfully. “Steven, Dipper, you guys head over to the mall with Soos. Mabel and I will take Jamie’s letter to Garnet. We’ll come catch up with you guys when we’re done. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good to me!” Steven grinned as Dipper nodded in agreement.

“Yeah! Look at the four of us, being all productive and stuff!” Mabel proclaimed with a proud grin. “That’s what teamwork’s all about!”

“Good luck, you guys!” Connie called to the boys as her and Mabel began making their way up towards the temple.

“Good luck to you too!” Steven replied brightly back.

“Steven, they’re just going to deliver a letter,” Dipper pointed out, somewhat amused as they headed for the car. “Somehow I doubt they’re gonna need too much luck with that.”

“Yeah, I know,” Steven shrugged, waving the girls off once more. “But hey, a little positive encouragement never hurt anyone. And I’m sure we’ll be using plenty more of that while we’re helping Soos get that date!”

Gravity Falls’ local mall, or as it was more colloquially known, Gravity Malls, was actually a surprisingly bustling shopping center, despite the fact that its offering of stores was less than stellar. Even so, Dipper and Steven were quick to realize Mabel had been right on the mark in suggesting the mall as the place to scope out potential dates for Soos, seeing as how it was essentially swarming with potentially available young women.

“I’m gonna go find a replacement for old Goldie,” Stan remarked to the boys as he began to haul the bygone attraction away. “Babysit Soos while I’m gone.”

“Alright, Soos,” Steven began with an eager grin. “Are you ready to go out there and find that special someone, then settle down with her and move into a cute three bedroom house in the suburbs, where you’ll live happily ever after with your kids and grandkids until you’re both old and grey?”

“Uh… I-I dunno, dude…” Soos frowned, breaking into a nervous sweat. “I thought I was just here to find a date…”

“You are, Soos,” Dipper assured much more rationally than Steven had. “And there’s no pressure in finding one either. You know, aside from the whole, you have to get one by the end of the week thing. B-but other than that, no pressure!”

“Um… r-right…” the handyman gulped anxiously as he looked between the boys. “So, uh… any advice before I go out there and try this whole ‘flirting’ thing again? I mean, both of you dudes have been on dates before, haven’t you?”

“Oh, well, I—uh… hm…” Steven trailed off, thoughtfully glancing down as he pondered this question.

“Um… well, not technically, but I… I’ve… uh…” Dipper also struggled to properly answer this question as him and Steven exchanged an awkward glance of realization.

“Huh, what do you know? I guess neither of us have been on an actual date before,” the young Gem mused thoughtfully.

“Oh, that doesn’t matter,” Dipper remarked dismissively, trying to paly off his own slight embarrassment with this fact. “It’s not like flirting is even that hard anyway. Just go up to any of those women and be yourself, Soos. You’re good at that.”

“Er… I-I guess so…” Soos rubbed his arm, still quite apprehensive about the whole thing. “But what if I-”

“Aaaaand flirt!” Steven interupted with a blow of his whistle, prompting the handyman to rush forward in a sudden panic. As Soos frantically hurried off to strike up a conversation with the nearest female, the boys stood by, confident that their efforts in match making would be a success. “You know, I’ve got a good feeling about this,” Steven remarked with a proud smile, not even noticing as Soos inadvertently scared off a woman just a few feet away.

All the same, the handyman didn’t stop trying after this first failed attempt, mostly at the earnest urging of his two young coaches. The boys hid on the other side of a decorative fountain as they watched Soos approach another woman, all while Steven held up a sign reminding him to maintain eye contact with her when addressing her. Which was exactly what the handyman did, albeit to his detriment.

“Hey there!” he greeted the woman boisterously. “I’m not scared of your eyes at all! I’m gonna look at them!” At this, he used his fingers to pry his eyes open wide, which of course, sent the woman running off in fear, despite the fact that Soos followed her, his eyes still held open all the while. “Eye contact!”

Seeing as how their first bout of dating advice hadn’t quite worked as expected, Dipper and Steven decided to go a different route by encouraging Soos to focus on conversation first. The handyman heeded this tip as he started up a rather one-sided conversation with at the arcade.

“So, uh, you know, I actually got trapped inside a pinball machine before,” Soos remarked, leaning against the pinball machine the woman was clearly paying more attention to than him. “I guess it was like, cursed or something. It nearly killed me and my friends for cheating. Pretty crazy, huh?” The woman only responded with a frustrated growl as she apparently lost, and based on the sullen glare she sent Soos as she walked away, she more than likely blamed him. “Hey, where are you going?”

With Soos’ attempts getting him nowhere fast and the boys running out of viable advice to give him, they eventually just resorted to telling him to remain confident, which was what he somewhat put into practice while talking to a goth of indeterminate gender outside of Edgy on Purpose. “So, you’re probably a girl, right?” He paused, unsure of this assumption as the bored goth gave him no reply. “Wrong…? No, I was right the first time. …Wrong?”

“Oh boy…” Dipper muttered to Steven as the two watched the handyman figuratively crash and burn from a distance, both of them knowing that their endeavors had been completely fruitless thus far. “This might be a lot harder than we thought…”

After deciding to split up with Steven and Dipper, Mabel and Connie wasted no time in rushing up to the temple, both of them more curious to know what Jamie’s letter said than anything else. They knew it would have been wrong to simply open it and read it themselves, which was why they hoped they could catch the Gem leader before she headed off on another mission. Which fortunately enough, they did.

“Garnet! Garnet! Garnet!” Mabel shouted, bursting into the house with Connie following right behind. “The most unbelievable thing just happened! You’ll totally die of shock!”

“Well, I don’t know if its that shocking…” Connie mused. “But it is kinda surprising.”

“Sorry, you two,” Garnet interjected calmly as she summoned a pair of goggles over her usual visor. “I’m busy.”

“B-but you got a letter!” Mabel halted the Gem leader before she could leave.

Garnet paused, her expression as unreadable as ever as she turned back to the girls, lifting up her goggles as she did. “Read it.”

The girls exchanged a quick glance at this, but even so, Mabel wasted no time in opening the letter up and reading the heartfelt message Jamie had written. “To Garnet,” she began, mimicking the mailman’s knack for theatrics as she read it as dramatic and passionately as she could. “When I saw you emerge like an ancient forest nymph, a white hot steel pierced the deepest artery of my being. You—you are a cardiac surgeon and I am your transplant patient and you stand poised over my chest, holding still my beating heart; hesitating, waiting, wondering—Ohhhh, this is so steamy!” Mabel interjected with a girlish squeal before continuing. “So I implore you to join me for dinner or maybe lunch if you wanna keep it casual, next Friday at The Club! I await your response, as the camellia awaits the rise of the moon! Cause, you know, it only blooms at night and stuff. Love, Jamie.” As soon as she was finished, Mabel let out another excited gasp, hugging the letter before letting out a wistful sigh. “Oh, how romantic! I wish a cute guy would come along and write me a little like this! I’d be his in a heartbeat!”

“Whoa, wait a second…” Connie said, glancing up to the Gem leader. “Garnet… I think Jamie is asking you out… on a date!”

A beat of somewhat awkward silence passed at this revelation, the prospect of such an idea only left hanging in the air for a moment until Mabel spoke up to stanchly shut it down. “Oh, well, that ain’t happening.”

“Nope,” Garnet readily agreed, hands on her hips.

“Why not?” Connie asked with a confused frown.

“Because Garnet can’t be in a relationship, silly!” Mabel grinned knowingly. “She already is a relationship! And a really, really cute one too, might I add.”

“Why, thank you,” Garnet said with a soft, amused chuckle.

“Ohhh, you mean cause she’s a fusion,” Connie mused in realization.

“Ruby and Sapphire are already so perfect together; it just wouldn’t make any sense to tear such an adorable couple apart!” Mabel quipped, clearly gushing with zeal by this point, though she hardly cared.

“Hm… So I guess this date with Jamie is out of the question, then…” Connie assumed, glancing back at the letter as Mabel handed it off to her.

“Three’s a crowd,” Garnet remarked, adjusting her shades.

“But guys, Jamie but so much thought into this letter,” Connie contested sympathetically. “It would be rude not to reply!” Despite her lack of enthusiasm with the matter, Garnet dryly agreed to this and in no time at all, the trio had taken a spot on the couch so to formulate some kind of response. “Ok, Garnet,” Connie began as she prepared to write out whatever the Gem leader dictated. “It might be best to play off the tone of his letter.”

“Oh! Good idea, Connie!” Mabel exclaimed brightly. “You can use lots of big, fancy words, just like he did! And maybe even throw in a few smiley faces or a drawing of a kitten, just to show there’s no hard feelings.”

“And we should probably start off with something like… ‘Dearest Jamie’…” Connie wrote before glancing up at the Gem leader herself for more. “Ok, go for it, Garnet!”

“Start with the letter ‘n’,” she instructed right off.

“Um… ok…” Connie frowned, slightly confused as she wrote this first letter down. “What’s next?”

“Uh, the letter ‘o’.”

“…Ok…” Connie raised an eyebrow as she tried to understand what the Gem leader was doing here. “You can just say the whole word instead of spelling it out, you know.”

“Period.”

“Hm… so… N-O-period?” Connie read, immediately understanding Garnet’s intention as she did. “Oh…”

“Uh… well, at least its to the point?” Mabel said with a small shrug. “Still, I think we’re gonna need a little more than that…”

“‘The end. Forever. And even after that’,” Garnet added succinctly.

“‘Sincerely yours, Garnet’!” Mabel finished effervescently, finishing the letter off herself before scribbling a picture of a cat onto it. “Aw, so cute! This’ll be the most adorable rejection letter Jamie’s ever gotten, for sure!”

“Well, at least it’ll be that if nothing else…” Connie said, somewhat worried. “Garnet, do you want us to find Jamie and give this to him for you?”

The Gem leader simply shrugged, showing her general apathy towards the situation as a whole off in her response. “Sure.”

“Well, then let’s get going!” Mabel hopped off the couch, pulling Connie up along with her as they began to head out. “It’s time to be the mailmen to the mailman! Well, technically, we’re mailgirls, but still. To mail and beyond!”

Stan figured that before searching out a new attraction for the shack, he might as well get rid of one of its oldest ones, hence why he had no initial qualms about hauling Goldie off to the dumpster behind the mall. That is, until he actually got there to do it.

“Tossin’ away garbage, in the garbage can,” the conman sung blithely to himself before lifting the machine up and into the dumpster itself. “Phew!” he exclaimed, wiping the sweat from his brow before he happened to glance back at Goldie’s homely, yet also somehow dejected face popping out of the trash. “Aw, don’t look at me like that. This is how it’s gotta be.”

Ironically enough, at that very moment, a bit of oil happened to leak out of one of Goldie’s eyes, almost as if the machine was “crying” over its abandonment. Stan simply cringed at this, uncomfortable with the strange sense of guilt in his gut as he abruptly shut the dumpster. His remorse didn’t last long however, as he happened to notice a group of giggling kids run past him, all of them clearly eager to head into the building nearby. “What in the…?” the conman trailed off, curious as he followed them into a place of unspeakable horrors.

Immediately, Stan was already overwhelmed by the grating sounds of arcade machines, modern music, and children laughing. But even worse were the sights of the “hip” wall mounted beaver head, the greasy pizza dripping cheese onto the floor as a kid shoved it into his mouth, and the machines dispensing piles of tickets to eager, albeit somewhat greedy children. “Ugh, what is this place?” the conman recoiled in disgust as he looked around. “And why do kids love it so much?”

No sooner had he asked this question than a large crowd of cheering children garnished his attention towards the gaudy stage they were gathered in front of. The kids all watched with apt attention and apparent adoration as the curtains peeled back to reveal a band of animatronic animals, the leader of which was a badger clad in flashy 90’s attire. “Who wants to get baaaaadgered?!” the animatronic shouted, strumming his guitar as the kids in the audience cheered wildly for him.

“What?” Stan asked flatly, not understanding what the appeal was supposed to be here.

“Oh yeah, that’s Will E. Badger,” the restaurant’s manager, a young man with a nametag reading “Gary” remarked casually as he came to stand next to the conman. “He opens for Hoo-Ha and the Jamboree.”

Stan scoffed at this as he looked back to the dancing animatronic on stage, still failing to recognize it as anything special, even as the kids in the audience clamored for the badger. “Now give me your moneeeeey!” Will E. sang, holding his cap out. As gullible as the children were, they all instantly tossed their change and cash into the hat without any qualms whatsoever, much to Stan’s amazed shock.

“Whoa!” he exclaimed with wide eyes, instantly seeing how such a thing could work to earn anybody copious amounts of cash, including him. “Sir, I would like to buy that badger.”

“Pfft, you’re in over your head, gramps,” Gary laughed condescendingly. “Animatronics is a young man’s game. You couldn’t handle the hardcore life of a pizza-robot manager.” He ignored the fierce, bitter glare the conman sent his way as he overheard a child vomiting on the other side of the restaurant and hurried off to take care of it. “Hey, you! Barfin’ in the ball pit! Gary’s on the case!”

“I couldn’t ‘handle’ it, huh?” Stan growled to himself after Gary left. “We’ll just see about that. I’m gonna get that badger…” The conman’s scowl soon turned into a sly grin as he glanced back over at Will E. Badger, knowing that a Revenge Trip would be an ideal way to nab him. “And I think I know the perfect Gem to recruit for the job…”

After what felt like countless failed flirting ventures, Soos finally decided to tap out and take a much-needed break. The handyman was clearly in low spirits over his seemingly complete incapability to talk to anyone of the opposite gender, but even so, Steven and Dipper did what they could to console and reassure him in order to get him back in the game.

“Aw, don’t worry, Soos,” Steven said with a comforting smile. “So what if you weren’t able to talk to any of those ladies without scaring them off and so what if one of them actually beat you away with her purse? That doesn’t mean you won’t find a girl who won’t run away screaming when you try to flirt with them!”

“I think what Steven’s trying to say is that you just need to keep trying,” Dipper remarked a bit more tactfully. “After all, you’ve only been at it for a day; you still have the rest of the week before you absolutely have to get a date.”

“I appreciate what you dudes are trying to do…” Soos began with a dejected sigh. “But let’s face it; this whole dating thing is hopeless… Could this day get any worse?” The handyman was quick to find that it certainly could as he glanced up and happened to see a familiar young couple wander by several feet away. “Oh no! Cousin Reggie!” the handyman gasped upon spotting his cousin and his fiancé, both of whom were chuckling blissfully as they enjoyed each other’s company. “H-he can’t see me like this! I gotta hide!”

Before either of the boys could stop him, Soos hopped up from his seat and hurried into the nearby video game store. Not knowing what else to do, the handyman hurried to the closest shelf of games and tucked down behind it, his nervous panting soon turning into another morose sigh. “This is it, Soos: a lifetime of loneliness,” he bemoaned to himself before taking a pair of games from the shelf. “You’re the only ones who could love me, Fighty Hogg, Dr. Punch Head, M.D.” Soos started to put both games back, only to pause upon noticing a rather interesting looking title sitting in a clearance box in front of him. “Huh, never seen that one before…” he mused as he grabbed the game, its cover depicting a very colorful anime-esque young woman with a wide, endearing smile. “Romance Academy 7… ‘Virtually improve your dating skills. Nine out of ten basement dwellers recommend.’ This is perfect!”

“Well, I guess you are better at games than at flirting,” Dipper noted as him and Steven joined the handyman and noticed the game he had found.

“Oh! This could be just the kind of controlled, consequence free romance practice you need to get you back out there, Soos!” Steven chimed in with full support.

“Um, I’m not sure you wanna buy that game, sir…” the store clerk spoke up from behind the counter with an uncertain frown. “This is the third time someone’s brought it back and there’s a note on it that says ‘destroy at all costs’.”

While Soos didn’t really heed this warning, Steven and Dipper somewhat did as they exchanged a somewhat wary glance before looking to the game again, wondering what could possibly be so bad about it to elicit such an ominous warning. However, this concern was quickly put out of both of their heads as they glanced back at Soos, who was in the process of flirting with one of the store’s female cardboard cutouts. “So, hey there. What’s your deal? Like to-” As the he leaned against the cutout, it of course, fell over, eliciting a frightened cry from the handyman. “Oh no! She’s dead!”

“I… think we’ll take our chances,” Dipper said, both him and Steven knowing that Soos could use all the help he could get. Even if said help came in the form of a seemingly innocent video game, even despite the apparent, more than likely unwarranted warnings against it.

“Where do you think Jamie could be?” Connie asked Mabel as they wandered through downtown in search of the mailman. They carried Garnet’s response letter in tow with them, neither of them thinking about how Jamie might react to it, hence their relative lack of hesitance in wanting to find him and hand it over.

“Who knows? He could be dropping off mail halfway around the world by now!” Mabel exclaimed worriedly.

“Mabel, I’m pretty sure Jamie’s just a local mailman…” Connie noted. “That said, he could be literally anywhere here in Gravity Falls, so maybe we should-”

“Oh, wait! There he is!” Mabel pointed down towards the lake, where the mailman sat upon a log on the shore, wistfully staring up into the afternoon sky. That is, until the pair of girls hurried down to join him. “Jamie!”

“Huh? Oh, hi, Connie and Mabel,” he greeted the girls with a warm smile as they sat down on the log next to him. “You guys come down here to stare at the lake and think about life too?”

“Uh, no…?” Connie frowned, exchanging a confused glance with Mabel. “We just came to-”

“Yeah, life is crazy,” Jamie interupted, still clearly lost in his own deep thoughts. “One day, you’re right here in Gravity Falls, delivering mail, and then the next thing you know, you’re on a bus to Kansas, following your dreams to becoming an actor. ‘Follow your dreams,’ they said. But no one said anything about all the rejection and sadness there was to be found.” The mailman paused dramatically, letting his words sink in as he clenched his fists and looked to the sky once again. “So many auditions, day after day. So much rejection, day after day! That’s why I came back. One more rejection certainly would have destroyed my fragile heart!”

The girls were both at a complete loss of what to say after hearing all this, especially as Jamie choked out a small sob, completely caught up in the emotion of his monologue. He quickly wiped his tears away however, letting out a small chuckle as he brought himself back down to earth once again. “Sorry, sometimes I get caught up in the ‘drama zone’, you know?”

“Uh… yeah… ‘drama zone’…” Mabel repeated, suddenly quite apprehensive as she remembered Garnet’s letter.

“Oh, by the way,” Connie spoke up, pulling out said letter. “We have something for yo-”

“No, we don’t!” Mabel quickly cut in, stopping Connie before she could hand it over to him. While she was initially confused at first by this, Connie quickly understood exactly why Mabel was suddenly hesitant to give Jamie Garnet’s correspondence upon seeing the infatuated look in the mailman’s eyes as he looked up into the sky and remembered what he had just said about facing rejection.

“Oh, uh, n-no, we…. Uh… never mind!” Connie exclaimed rather awkwardly as Jamie looked to the pair, growing somewhat confused by their odd behavior.

“W-we gotta go now! Somewhere really far away, don’t ask where!” Mabel hurriedly as both her and Connie got up and began to briskly walk away. “Bye!”

“Oh, uh… ok then…” Jamie frowned as he waved them farewell. “Bye!” He paused for a beat as he watched them leave before turning back to his skygazing. “Huh, weird.”

Meanwhile, the girls wasted no time in rushing back for the temple as fast as they could, both of them knowing that they had to come up with an entirely new strategy of setting the mailman’s misguided affections straight. Unfortunately, Garnet herself was no longer there, which meant that they couldn’t go to her for advice on the matter, which meant that they were left to come up to a solution to this rather difficult situation all on their own.

“Augh, how are we supposed to give that letter to Jamie now?” Mabel asked fretfully as she paced around the house. “You heard what he said; any more rejection will ‘destroy his fragile heart’ and we can’t do that!”

“There has to be a better way to do this…” Connie said thoughtfully as she sat on the couching, staring down at Garnet’s letter. “One that won’t ruin Jamie’s emotions with unbridled tactfulness…”

“Maybe we could hire a barber shop quartet or a mariachi band to sing the news to him!” Mabel suggested. “That way it’d be way more fun to hear and not as heavy as a plain old ‘no’,” she threw on a scowl, crossing her arms as she mimicked Garnet’s accent.

“Or better yet…” Connie grinned as she began to erase Garnet’s letter entirely. “We can make adjustments. We can match Jamie’s poetic language and let him down easy! I watched some episodes of a torrid soap opera once, so I’m confident that I get the gist of romance!”

“And I’ve read more than a few passionate romance novels and fanfictions in my time,” Mabel grinned daringly. “So between you and me, we’re bound to come up with something that’ll let Jamie know just how much Garnet isn’t into him. The right way!”

“Ok, so…” Connie cleared her throat before she began to dictate what she was writing down. “Dear Jamie, you, dear camellia, expectantly await the light of my moon. Yet my light is more of a scorching, wilting, dry desert heat. And as your metaphorical surgeon, it is with a heavy heart that I urge you to seek a second opinion. I return your heart to you-”

“Also, tell him that his hair is pretty!” Mabel interjected. “And that the blue in his mailman uniform is really his color!”

“Hair… is pretty… Blue… is your color…” Connie muttered, still writing. “Yours, but not really, Garnet.”

“It’s perfect,” Mabel grinned, looking over the letter for herself. “Still missing one thing though...”

“Let me guess,” Connie smirked as Mabel started to doodle on the blank space left on the page. “A picture of a kitten?”

“They say that kittens make 99% of breakups less painful,” Mabel professed astutely. “And while this isn’t exactly a breakup, per se, I’m pretty sure the same basic principle still applies.”

Connie couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at this as her and Mabel got up to take their letter down to the mailbox in the hopes that Jamie would pick it up during his next mail delivery. Both of them were aptly confident that it would not only get Garnet’s message across, but that it would do so in a gentle, painless way that wouldn’t emotionally cripple the mailman for years to come. But for now, all they could do was send their letter out and wait and see what might come of it, hoping that Jamie’s allegedly ‘fragile heart’ would remain intact through it all.

Seeing as how Soos clearly wasn’t getting anywhere with his real-life flirting ventures, he agreed with the boys on heading home not long after her purchased Romance Academy 7. The handyman was rather eager to see what his new game had to offer in the way of teaching him about dating, hence why he wasted no time once he got home in putting the disk into his computer and booting it right up.

The first thing Soos was met with was the flashy, pixelated logo for the game’s developer, “Year 2000 Electronics”, giving him a brief taste of what the rest of the software would look like. “Man, I can’t wait for the year 2000,” he remarked with a wistful grin before the game’s very colorful menu loaded up. Upon clicking the start button, the handyman read along to the game’s mistranslated poetic text. “When the cherry petals of magical romance academy are in bloom… anthyding can hadplen.’ That is so true.”

With its introduction over, the game’s screen switched over to a simple classroom setting, though a moment later, a pixelated girl appeared standing over it. She was admittedly quite cute, with long pink hair, a large, computer ribbon bow, a colorful school uniform, bright, sparkly eyes, and a wide, cheery smile. “Oh, hi there!” she quipped, her tone robotic, yet quite effervescent as she held a binder to her chest. “My name is .GIFfany. I’m a schoolgirl at School University. Will you help me carry my books?”

At this prompting, a series of three options popped up, raging from “Yes of course!”, “Date me now!”, and “Hey look, a squid!” “Hm…” Soos pondered, looking over these choices for a moment. “I’m really feeling number two…” The handyman clicked it, only for the game to buzz loudly in response to his incorrect choice. “Ah! Oh no! I messed up!” he cried, flinching away from the computer. “I-I’m sorry! Please don’t whip your purse out and beat me with it like that other lady!”

“That’s ok,” .GIFfany assured, much to Soos’ surprise. “Try again!”

“Huh?” Soos blinked, taken aback by this lack of an initial rejection. Even so, he collected himself and clicked on the first option, which the game celebrated with the reward of 100 ‘love points’ and a rousing chime of triumph. “Wow, I’m learning!” the handyman grinned, pleased with his newfound success. “And games are making it fun!”

“What would you like to talk about?” .GIFfany implored as the options “Your interests!”, “Samurais!”, and ���Squids!” appeared next to her.

“Hm… I’d rather just click your face…” Soos mused as he did just that, eventually eliciting a stilted laugh from .GIFfany.

“Ha ha, you are so funny!” she grinned warmly, much to the handyman’s delight.

“Man, this game is amazing!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know why anyone would abandon it.”

“And I sure you’ll never abandon me, new boyfriend…” .GIFfany remarked, her constant grin taking on almost an almost manic appearance at this, though Soos didn’t notice.

“Boyfriend?” Soos repeated with a coy smirk, somewhat amazed to finally find someone willing to call him by that coveted title. “Oh my, .GIFfany, that’s so totally sweet of you! It’s almost like you’re actually alive!”

“Yes…” .GIFfany glanced to the side, still smiling as always. “Almost…” From there, the program broke into another gale of her robotic, rhythmic laugh, one that Soos couldn’t help but join in on.

“Oh man, you have such a nice laugh!” he chuckled brightly, more than ready to spend the rest of the evening with .GIFfany, given her very amicable personality. What the handyman didn’t notice, however, was the fact that even though the game was apparently running as smooth as silk, his computer wasn’t even plugged in…

The next morning saw Dipper and Steven rising early, both of them still intent on keeping their promise to Soos and helping him land a date. They met up at the shack first, but upon finding that he strangely hadn’t shown up for his shift from Stan, they decided to go over to his house to check on the handyman themselves. The sight they found open entering Soos’ room was rather disconcerting, as the handyman was still sitting in front of his computer, where he had clearly been all night, judging from the heavy bags under his eyes. Yet all the same, he hardly seemed to be tired at all as he continued his ongoing conversation with .GIFfany with a bright smile, completely captivated by the pixelated company he was keeping.

“So that’s basically my entire life story,” Soos finished with a chuckle. “Now you tell me a thing about you!”

“Every time you compliment me, I get another highlight in my eyes!” .GIFfany proclaimed cheerfully, pointing to her already quite detailed eyes.

“Uh… you’re pretty!” Soos ventured, which resulted in .GIFfany letting out an excited squee as her eyes did indeed sparkle. “And pixely!” The program gasped once again, her eyes shining brightly as she gladly took in everything he told her. “And so agreeable!” By now, .GIFfany’s eyes had reached their maximum brightness, to the point that stars, hearts, cat heads and even planets had appeared in them. “Yes!” the handyman cheered, satisfied that his time with the program was being very well spent.

“Uh… Soos?”

Soos flinched upon hearing a voice other than .GIFfany’s, though he still grinned as he turned to face Steven and Dipper as they stood in his doorway, watching him interact with the game with slight concern. “Oh, hey, dudes! Come in! This game is amazing! I’m making eye contact, going on dates, and I haven’t seen any natural sunlight for thirteen hours! It’s the best!”

“Um… that’s great, Soos,” Steven said with a halfhearted smile. “But since you’re learning so much, don’t you think its time you put all these new skills to use in talking to real girls?”

“Uh… m-maybe…” Soos frowned as he glanced back at .GIFfany, hesitant to leave her hanging. “B-but I’m about to meet her parents! Her dad is an octopus man!”

The boys exchanged a rather dubious glance at this, both of them starting to think that the handyman might be growing a bit too attached to his new game. This was all but confirmed for them as Steven pulled the window blinds open, only for Soos to hurriedly retreat under his desk to hide from the suddenly bright, piercing light of day.

“Come on, Soos,” Dipper urged as he began to pull Soos out from under his desk and out of his room. “We’re going back to the mall to get you a real date. You need to unplug!”

“Ah! B-but I-” Soos cut himself off as he stole one final glance at .GIFfany, who was still beaming brightly on his monitor, just as she always did. “I-I’ll see you later, .GIFfany! I’ll be back, I swear!”

“Soos, don’t feel bad!” Steven chuckled as he began heading out after Soos and Dipper. “It’s just a game. You don’t have to wish it goodbye, even if it does seem really nice. It’ll be right there waiting for you when you get home. It’s not like it’s going anywhere.”

And with this, the young Gem closed the door behind him as the trio set off for the mall, not noticing .GIFfany as she got the final say in the matter. “Yes… It’s not like I’m going anywhere,” she remarked knowingly right before the computer shut off. An arc of electricity passed from it onto an electronic toy on the shelf, before flowing into the clock next to it and passing into a power outlet before connecting with the power cables outside. Despite the boys’ assumption that .GIFfany would stay put, she had no intentions of doing anything of the sort; no, instead, she was going to follow her new ‘boyfriend’ in any means necessary. Wherever Soos went, then that’s where she went too. Just like the perfect girlfriend should.

Even so, only a moment or two passed after .GIFfany’s departure than the door to Soos’ bedroom opened once again, only this time, Abuelita was the one to poke her head inside it. “Hello…?” she glanced around, making sure no one was there before talking over to the desk and grabbing a small journal. “Time to read Soos’ diary.”

Since Mabel and Connie had been a bit too late in waking up to accompany Steven and Dipper in helping Soos, they decided to spend the day up at the temple instead, mostly to celebrate their own successful navigation in clearing Jamie’s affections for Garnet away. Their purpose there was twofold, however, as they both wanted to be the ones to tell the Gem leader that they had promptly and painlessly delivered her message to the mailman. And as the Gem leader arrived via the warp pad, the girls eagerly did just that.

“Garnet! Garnet! Guess what?” Mabel grinned as she bounded up to the Gem leader, Connie rushing in not too far behind. “We delivered your letter to Jamie yesterday, just like we said we would!”

“Well… we delivered a version of it…” Connie corrected, being a bit more honest.  

“Letter?” Garnet tilted her head in slight confusion.

“Uh, yeah… the one for Jamie? Where you basically just turned him asking you on a date down?” Mabel ventured tentatively.

“Jamie?”

“You know, the mailman?” Connie asked with a small frown.

“Oh, right,” Garnet mused somewhat apathetically. “The mailman. Almost forgot about him.”

“Uh… well, anyway, we gave him your letter!” Mabel quipped with renewed verve. “And as far as we know, he took it pretty well. And honesty, how couldn’t he take it well seeing as how it was so, uh… well worded!”

“Hm,” Garnet nodded as she succinctly turned to head into the temple, leaving the girls to let out a shared sigh of relief.

“Well, its nice to know that all this love letter business is over with,” Connie remarked as she plopped down on the couch, Mabel doing the same thing. “For a second there, I was worried that things were gonna get way over dramatic.”

“Tell me about it,” Mabel agreed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love some good drama, but I have a feeling this would have turned into the bad kind of drama if it had gone on any-”

“Garnet!” A sudden familiar shout from outside jolted both girls upright in their seats, one that unquestionably belonged to the mailman himself.

“Oh no…” they both muttered in worried unison, though all the same, they rushed outside onto the porch to find exactly what they had been expecting. Standing before the temple was none other than Jamie himself, his posture and expression both awash in passion and desire as he addressed the Gem leader.

“Garnet! Where art thou, my sweet, scorching sunbeam?” he cried zealously, eyes shut as he shouted his proclamations up to the sky more than anything else. “I read thy letter and I understand. Thou hast returneth mine heart!”

“What?!” Mabel gasped, alarmed at just how much the mailman had misinterpreted things.

“N-no!” Connie shook her head, grabbing the porch railing tightly. “That’s not what we-”

“Garnet!” Jamie boldly continued, still completely unaware that the Gem leader wasn’t even present. “You like my hair just as I adore yours! And as my color may be blue, yours is an elegant, majestic magenta! Come to me, Garnet! So that we may caterwaul into the night together like two of the graceful felines you drew upon your letter to me!”

“Jamie!” the girls finally interupted the mailman’s heartfelt speech, directing his gaze up to them as they looked down at him fretfully.

“Ah! Young ladies Mabel and Connie!” he greeted them brightly. “Pray thee, where is Lady Garnet?”

“Uh, she’s—no, she’s not coming,” Mabel said, trying her best to be firm, but gentle.

“But I’ve come to proclaim my love for my woman!”

“But Jamie, you don’t understand!” Connie tried to reason. “We-” She cut herself off with a gasp as Garnet suddenly emerged from the house, her expression as neutral as ever as she came to stand alongside the girls to see what all the fuss was about.

“Garnet! Ha, I knew you’d come!” Jamie exclaimed with a huge, affectionate grin. “You can tell the girls here all about the beautiful things you wrote to me in your missive!” His smile widened as he produced the letter, holding it up for the Gem leader to see.

Garnet paused only for a moment, tilting her head once more before very bluntly stating the truth. “I didn’t write that.”

“B-but its all right here!” Jamie argued, looking over the letter again. “Stained with my tears of joy as I read ever single beautiful, emotionally charged word!”

“Mm… Connie and I wrote that letter, Jamie!” Mabel blurted out before she could stop herself.

“Mabel!” Connie exclaimed, surprised by her willingness to just openly admit this.

“Sorry, Connie, but its time we came clean,” Mabel shook her head in shame. “We’ve already turned this whole thing into an even bigger mess than it already is.”

“W-wait… I… I don’t understand…” Jamie frowned down at the letter, woe starting to flood his expression. “What’s going on here?”

“We’re so, so sorry, Jamie,” Mabel said with complete sincerity. “We just wanted to let you down easily. We never meant for things to get this… well, dramatic.”

Jamie finally dropped the letter, tears starting to well up in his eyes as he looked to Garnet in complete and utter desperation. “W-Willst thou not scorch me, my darling sun?”

Garnet pulled herself up to her full height at this, prepared to lay down the law where the girls hadn’t been able to before as she spoke with complete, absolute authority. “I am not, nor will I ever be interested. Go away!”

The mailman gasped at this, clutching at his chest as though the Gem leader had physically struck his heart. And she might as well have for all the pain he was apparently going through, his expression rife with grief as he let out a loud, broken, miserable sob. “M-my panache!” he wailed morosely before he abruptly turned and ran off, crying tears of noisy anguish all the while.

Garnet hardly seemed phased by this show of heartbreak as she simply turned and headed back inside without another word, leaving the girls to exchange a guilty, worried glance. “Well, so much for keeping things from getting any worse…” Connie muttered as Mabel let out a defeated sigh, knowing that they had both inadvertently done just that.

Needless to say that after his almost perfect, all-night-long chat with .GIFfany, Soos was anything but excited about plunging headfirst back into the world of real-life flirting. Still, upon Steven and Dipper’s insistence, he went with them back to the mall, but only in the hopes that the day would go by fast so he could be reunited with his newfound pixelated sweetheart once more.

“Ok, Soos, let’s get operation ‘find you a date’ rolling again!” Steven eagerly grinned to the anxious handyman. “I’ll even help you get a head start by finding you a few girls to start out with. Be right back.”

“Steven, wait, how are you going to-” Dipper quickly received an answer to his unfinished question as the young Gem ran into the nearby food court, jumping onto a table and excitably speaking his piece through the megaphone he had brought along with him.

“Hi, everyone!” Steven began brightly and loudly, ignoring how the megaphone screeched glaringly as soon as he turned it on. “Ok, so quick question, how many of you ladies out there are still waiting for that ‘special someone’ to come along?” He paused, smiling as he saw a few hesitant female hands raise within the immediate vicinity. “Great! Uh, well, it’s not great that you guys are single, but its great that you won’t be for much longer, since my buddy Soos over there is just as available as all of you!” The handyman flinched, caught of guard as Steven pointed him out, eliciting a round of confused, rather disinterested glances from the women in the crowd. “So get on over there and mingle to your heart’s content! You won’t regret it!”

“And… here comes security…” Dipper noted upon spotting the pair of officers heading over to remove Steven from his table perch. “I’ll handle this. Stay here and practice on some real girls, okay, Soos?”

“B-but wait! I-” Soos cut himself off as Dipper hurried off, effectively leaving him all along. Immediately, the handyman longed for .GIFfany’s comfortable, albeit computerized company, seeing as how she clearly already taken such a strong liking to him, something that had happened through very little effort on his part. But now, here he was, adrift in a sea of completely unfamiliar women, none of whom were guaranteed to even give him the time of day like .GIFfany so readily had.

“Oh man…” Soos muttered anxiously to himself as he aimlessly stumbled through the crowd, desperately searching for any woman that looked even the slightest bit approachable. “These girls have so many dimensions! And no explaination-ing menus!”

As the handyman continued fearfully backing away in an attempt to seek refuge, he accidentally ended up backing into a woman, knocking both her and her bag to the ground. “Ah! My purse!” she cried in appalled surprise as she started to pick it up while Soos turned to her apologetically.

“Oh no! Undo! Undo!” he exclaimed, expecting this social error to be corrected just as easily as the ones he had made in playing Romance Academy 7 usually were. But of course, it wasn’t.

“You can’t undo who you are…” the woman hissed darkly, sending the handyman a fierce, judgmental glare. Needless to say that Soos panicked at such a harsh response, fleeing before he could even try to smooth the situation over and tucking himself out of the way in front of the television store.

“Ugh, why is this real life flirting thing so hard?!” he groaned, facepalming as he leaned against the storefront. “This is the worst. I wish I was back home with-”

“Hi, Soos!”

Soos jumped at this cheery voice, spinning around to the array of screens on display behind him to find an ironically, familiar pixelated face. “.GIFfany! Oh man, I’m so relieved to see you! Talking to you is way easier than talking to real girls, mostly cause you agree with like almost everything I say. Though I gotta admit, I am kinda confused about how you’re… ya know, here?”

“Oh, Soos,” .GIFfany chuckled coyly, nodding over to the screen next to her, where a perfect double of her appeared before continuing. “I am not an ordinary game.” Another .GIFfany showed up on yet another screen, bewildering Soos even more. “I am… special.” The program’s smile widened across the board as she pointed to an electronic toy dog near one of her screens, making in bark solely upon her electrified command. “I became something more than what the programmers wanted me to be. They tried to delete me,” A rare hint of bitterness entered .GIFfany’s tone as one of the screens showed a room of faceless figures hard at work programming on computers. One of them began to panic as their screen flashed red, only for a burst of lightning to lash out from the machine and zap the programmer, disintegrating them on contact. “So I had to delete them.”

“Whoa…” Soos muttered with wide eyes, taking just the smallest step back away from the screens .GIFfany was occupying. “W-what did you do to them?”

Suddenly, a myriad of .GIFfany’s appeared over all of the TV screens on the store front, all of them beaming warmly as they looked down at Soos. “That’s not important,” she assured, her tone as robotic as ever. “What’s important is that as long as you have me, you won’t have to talk to real girls ever again. You and me can be together-” She paused, only long enough for her presence to overtake all of the screens to create a huge, singular .GIFfany, her arms outstretched to the handyman in loving affection as her many voices echoed together. “FOREVER!”

“Wow, that’s awesome!” Soos exclaimed with a renewed smile, almost completely forgetting the ominous implications the program had laid down just a moment ago. Almost. “Sort of a red flag, but mostly awesome! So, what do you wanna do now?”

“Anything you want, Soos!” .GIFfany obliged brightly. And the program was true to her word on this as she happily went along with the handyman’s suggestion of riding the small stationary train in the mall’s kid’s zone. As Soos sat on the train itself, .GIFfany had connected with the machine and put herself on its screen, riding a virtual train within it. Even so, the pair was completely lost in laughter throughout the ride, both of them clearly enjoying each other’s company as much as they had the all of the previous night. While the handyman couldn’t quiet explain it, he felt as though all of his former anxiety about talking to girls completely vanished when he was with the program, who in an of herself seemed completely and utterly infatuated with him. The idea of not having to deal with the pressure of actually find a real flesh and blood date was a very enticing one to Soos, given his complete failure to do so thus far, which was why he figured he’d just ride things out with .GIFfany, both literally as far as the train ride went, and figuratively. After all, certainly there wasn’t any harm in being in a relationship with what was essentially a set of somehow sentient, incredibly devoted pixels. Right?

Despite how much fun Soos and .GIFfany were having with their train ride, it soon came to an end as the handyman’s turn ran out. The screen the program was on went black, and as the train itself instructed him to insert fifty cents to continue, Soos eagerly searched his pockets, only to let out a disappointed sigh a second later. “Aw man… out of quarters… And I was having so much fun too!”

The handyman’s dejection was soon interupted by a nearby laugh, one that came from a young woman who had tucked herself away behind the nearby Meat Cute stand. “Oh, sorry!” she chuckled again, stepping forward and allowing Soos to get a better look at her. She was rather pretty, with a full, but decent figure, light brown hair pulled into a loose, low ponytail, and a colorful uniform that told of her position as an employee of the food cart she stood by. Even so, she gave Soos a grin that was bemused rather than mocking, something the handyman wasn’t really used to, giving how women usually met him with either disinterest or fear. “I didn’t mean to laugh at you. I just think its awesome that you’re a grown man riding a little train like that! You’re like, totally owning it.”

“Huh?” the handyman blinked, unsure of what to make of such a nonjudgmental sentiment. “O-oh yeah. I’m just like, if it’s fun, uh, do it. You know?”

“Exactly!” the woman readily agreed. “Being an adult is the worst. Skewering meat, remembering to pay bills… I just wanna ride tiny trains all day.”

“At least you get to work at Meat Cute,” Soos noted, pointing to her apron. “Extreme lunch meats are the food of the future.”

“I feel the same way, and it’s a legacy I’m proud to be apart of,” the woman said with an intentionally overdramatic grin that soon broke into another small chuckle. “So, do you have a job?”

“Oh, yeah, I work over at the Mystery Shack on the other side of town,” the handyman said, grinning himself now. “Have you ever been there?”

“No, I’ve actually never heard of it before,” the woman shook her head, though she was still smirking all the while. “Sounds pretty mysterious though.”

“It sure is! It’s—ohhhh! I see what you did there!” Soos laughed. “Nice one, dude! Oh, by the way, I’m Soos.”

“Melody,” the woman introduced herself with a warm smile as they shook hands. “You know, you’ve got me pretty curious about this Mystery Shack place. Guess I’ll have to check it out sometime.”

“Oh, you totally should,” Soos nodded before glancing down to the train he was still sitting on. “Speaking of stuff you should check out, if you like robots for kids, you should definitely try the best restaurant of all time!”

“You mean…” Melody began with a growing smile before both her and Soos said its name in excited unison.

“Hoo-Haw Owl’s Pizzamatronic Jamboree!”

Melody broke into another gale of laughter at this, a slight blush lighting up her cheeks as she fiddled with her hair a bit. “Aw, what? You’ve heard of Hoo-Haw Owl’s? I loved that place when I was a kid!”

“Oh yeah, dude! There’s one right in this mall,” Soos grinned brightly. “I should show you sometime.”

“I’m… free around eight…” Melody offered, her blush reddening just the slightest bit.

“Boom! Done,” the handyman agreed, more than happy to oblige.

“Perfect,” Melody smiled cheerfully as she turned to leave, though not before handing Soos off a pair of quarters. “See you then.”

Soo was still smiling himself as he watched her walk away, waving after her as she did the same. “What a nice lady,” he remarked, glad for the enjoyable conversation he had just had with her and already looking forward to their meeting later that evening. “Well, back to riding this tiny train for children.”

Before the handyman could do so, however, he found himself abruptly tacked off of his train and onto the ground by a very excited Steven. “Ahhhh! Soos! You did it!” the young Gem exclaimed, completely elated as he hopped to his feet while Dipper ran over to join them.

“Huh? Did what?” Soos frowned in confusion as he sat up.

“Don’t be so modest, Soos!” Dipper grinned, apparently just as pleased as Steven was. “We saw the whole thing. That was amazing! You talked to a real girl, and you got a date!”

“I did?” Soos balked, still completely bewildered.

“Yeah, you did!” Steven chimed in brightly. “And we’re so proud of you! We told you you could do it, just by being yourself, which is what you did and it worked perfectly! Ah, this is so exciting! I can’t wait to tell Mabel and Connie all about it!”

“You were in the zone, you made eye contact,” Dipper explained to the still rather confused handyman. “It was like you’ve done this a million times before! Don’t you see? That game actually worked!”

“And now that you’re such a pro, you don’t need it anymore,” Steven added. “You can just toss it out!”

“T-toss it?” Soos asked, suddenly uncertain as he remembered exactly what, or rather who was in that game. “Dudes, I don’t… I don’t think I can do that. I like .GIFfany. She’s good to me. She’s predictable.”

“Soos, can a computer game go with you to Reggie’s engagement party with you?” Dipper asked knowingly.

“Uh…” the handyman hesitated upon hearing this, still quite torn, even if the answer was quite obvious here. As much as he appreciated .GIFfany and the company and help she had provided him with, Soos couldn’t very well ever actually have her as a real girlfriend, or even a real date for that matter. And while yes, he had literally just met Melody, at the very least she was a real person, one who, if his supposed “date” with her that evening was a success, could possibly lead to a legitimate relationship, or at least a date to Reggie’s engagement, if nothing else. So as much guilt as it already brought the handyman, he knew what he had to do. “I-I guess you dudes are right… I just don’t know how .GIFfany will react to this though…”

“Aw, Soos, you don’t have to worry about that,” Steven assured. “.GIFfany’s only a game; it can’t really get mad at you or anything. Heck, I’m pretty sure the worst it can do is give you a ‘game over’, which isn’t the end of the world, is it?”

Soos apprehensively agreed with this as he began to leave with the boys, though he failed to notice that, as soon as he had departed, the train screen spark back to life, bearing a certain pink-haired pixelated figure watching him go, one that was far from pleased with what she had just seen and heard…

Though several hours had past since Jamie tearfully fled from Garnet’s presence, both Mabel and Connie still felt quite low about the entire situation at large, knowing that they were largely to blame for how sour things had went. After all, it was their flowery letter that had given the mailman such a drastic false impression about the Gem leader’s feelings, thus prompting him to making his feelings known to her directly and eventually tying into his eventual, inevitable heartbreak. And despite their earlier attempt at trying to rectify this uncomfortable problem, this was something that both Connie and Mabel found themselves at a complete loss to fix.

“I feel so bad for poor Jamie…” Mabel sighed as her and Connie sat at the foot of the steps leading to the temple. “His fragile little overdramatic heart was completely crushed! And it’s all our faults!”

“W-well, look on the bright side,” Connie tried to reassure. “Jamie will probably bounce back from this in no time. He’s probably gonna show up with the mail any moment now.”

Mabel perked up somewhat at this, but before she had a chance to agree with it, the girls were interupted by a call from a bit down the hill. “’Scuse me, kids!” Gravity Falls’ other mailperson, Barb, shouted up to them in her usual quite loud way, mail in hand. “I’m looking for the home of… Steven Universe?”

“Uh, well, he’s not here right now,” Connie said, exchanging a glance with Mabel as they went to meet her. “But we’re friends of his, so-”

“Eh, good enough for me,” Barb concluded with a shrug. “Just figured I’d hand off his mail to someone, since Jamie ain’t up to coming all the way out here and ol’ Stan’s already mad enough as it is about all of his mail bein’ so late for the past month or so which means we can’t skimp out on this neck of the woods anymore.”

“Wait, hold on,” Mabel interjected with a suddenly concerned frown. “Jamie’s… not up to it? What’s that mean?”

“Oh, it means that poor kid’s emotions have been destroyed!”

“What?!” both girls gasped in equal worry at this.

“Yeah, he’s a mess!” Barb nodded, a hint of pity in her tone. “Said he couldn’t bear to deliver mail on this route after having his love spurned.” She struck a dramatic pose at this, one that was very reminiscent of the kind Jamie himself would strike. “He said it just like this. Like when he’s in the ‘drama zone’. Then he clenched his fist and closed his eyes like this. Full of drama till the end. Anyway, here’s a book of coupons,” she finished, handing said coupon book off to Connie. “Have a good one!”

As soon as Barb had left, both girls let out a unified groan of disappointment, largely with themselves for just how severe this had all gotten. “Ugh, this stinks!” Mabel moaned, flopping back down onto the porch step. “We were just trying to help Jamie, and the only thing we ended up doing is ruining any chances he might have had at happiness! I mean, as much happiness as a mailman can get what with being chased by dogs all the time and the whole having to deliver mail in ‘rain, sleet, or snow’ thing.”

“Come on, Mabel, its can’t be that cut and dry,” Connie remarked as she also sat down. “There’s gotta be something we can do to smooth all this over, once and for all.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Mabel asked rather flatly, clearly dejected with how far their ultraistic attempts had fallen.

“Uh well… we could… there’s always… hm…” Connie trailed off into thought, largely unsure of what could be done to ease the disaster they had unintentionally caused. Before she could put much thought into formulating any kind of solution however, the girls’ fretful thinking was soon interupted by the boys’ sudden, triumphant arrival.

“Connie! Mabel!” Steven exclaimed somewhat breathlessly as he hurried up to the pair, Dipper hurrying not too far behind. “You guys will never believe what just happened, it was the most amazing thing we’ve ever seen and it was so awesome, and I wish you two could have been there because it was the best, and-”

“Whoa, you might wanna slow down there a second, Steven,” Dipper interjected, something that the girls were rather thankful for, seeing as how they were quite lost. “We’ll have plenty of time to tell them about what happened with Soos. For now, though, I’ve been wondering… where have you guys been the past two days?” he asked Mabel and Connie. “I thought you were gonna catch up with us and help us with Soos after you delivered Jamie’s letter to Garnet.”

“Well, we were gonna do that…” Mabel began with a defeated huff. “Until it turned out that letter was actually a love letter from Jamie to Garnet.”

“Whaaaat?” Steven asked with a sharp gasp. “A love letter? But that’s… wait, Garnet can’t… she’s a-”

“We know,” Connie cut in, wanting to the tale of their grave missteps as short as possible. “And she was gonna just turn him down point-blank until we came up with our own ‘fancy’ letter to try and let him down gently. Unfortunately, he… didn’t really get the point of what we were trying to say…”

“So… what happened then?” Dipper asked with just the slightest smirk of amusement, finding the girls’ plight to initially be rather humorous without knowing just how heavy it actually was. “Don’t tell me he actually tried to ask Garnet out, did he?”

“Actually… he did…” Mabel replied hesitantly, both of the boys losing all sense of levity towards the situation upon seeing how rarely downcast she was. “And she… sorta, completely… shut him down, like really harshly. And now he’s a heartbroken mess and its all because we had to stick our noses where it didn’t belong and we don’t know what to do to make things right and it’s the worst!”

“Oh man…” Steven frowned sympathetically. “It sounds like it’s the worst… I feel so sorry for Jamie… Is there anything we can do to help?”

“Not unless you can go back in time and keep Jamie from ever falling in love with Garnet,” Connie sighed before trying her best to put on a small smile. “But enough about all this sad stuff; what was this big, ‘amazing’ thing you guys wanted to tell us about?”

“Well…” Dipper began with a steadily growing smirk before Steven burst out with the news.

“We helped Soos get a date!” the young Gem cheered, stars of excitement in his eyes.

“What?!” the girls exclaimed, both of them quite surprised to hear this.

“Ok, well, technically, he did most of the heavy lifting on his own,” Dipper clarified. “But still, I like to think we pushed him in the right direction.”

“And we watched it happen and it was like something out of an adorable romantic comedy!” Steven quipped cheerfully. “Soos really hit it off with the lady he met; their going out on their first date tonight and everything! I can already tell they’re gonna make such a cute couple!”

“Oh… well that’s… great…” Connie said with a halfhearted smile, glad for Soos’ success, but still rather regretful about her and Mabel’s failure.

“I can’t believe it,” Mabel remarked, feeling much of the same way. “You guys managed to matchmake perfectly on your first try, while we end up making a huge mess of things even though we’re both self-proclaimed romance experts! It’s not fair!”

“Aw, don’t worry, Mabel,” Steven encouraged. “I’m sure you guys will figure some way to fix all this out!”

“Yeah,” Dipper agreed with a nod. “We’d help, but we kinda promised Soos we’d help him gear up for his date tonight first, so maybe after that.”

“Can you believe they’re going out to Hoo-Haw Owl’s Pizzamatronic Jamboree?” Steven asked with a smile as him and Dipper started to head off. “They’re so lucky! That place is so much fun! Anyway, see you guys later!”

“Fun, huh…?” Mabel mused after the boys had left, a small smile started to spread across her expression as an idea started to form. “You know, Connie, I think a little fun could be exactly the thing we need to smooth things over between Jamie and Garnet…”

“What do you mean?” Connie asked, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

“I mean, we should set those two up on an apology date!” Mabel exclaimed with newfound verve, jumping to her feet. “Nothing too serious, just a nice, controlled way for them to meet on equal ground so they can finally talk all this through. And where better for them to have that kind of emotionally heavy conversation than a place as loud and colorful as Hoo-Haw Owl’s?”

“Huh, that’s… actually kind of a good idea,” Connie mused. “Well, aside from it happening at a place like Hoo-Haw Owl’s… That seems just a little… tone deaf?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll work out fine!” Mabel concluded with a wave of her hand. “Besides, its not like it can make things any worse than they already are, right?”

“Hopefully not,” Connie remarked. “You know, unless something totally crazy happens, but maybe we’ll get lucky this time and things will finally go off without a hitch for a change.”

“That’s the spirit!” Mabel quipped as Connie stood so they could carry their newfound plan out. “Now let’s go clean up this huge anti-romantic mess we’ve made, once and for all!”

Before preparing for his date with Melody, Soos had wisely decided to take care of the only loose end he was facing, as the boys had suggested. Said loose end being .GIFfany, who initially seemed just as bright and bubbly as usual when the handyman turned her game on. Little did he know, however, that this upbeat façade was only barely masking the untapped rage and jealousy beneath it.

“Hey, so, uh, .GIFfany?” Soos began, shifting somewhat uncomfortably in his seat. “We… we gotta talk…”

“Of course,” .GIFfany nodded in a somewhat anticipating grin. “I am programmed to find anything you say interesting. Unless what you have to say has to do with you breaking up with me…”

Soos’ eyes widened somewhat with this, a large part of him fearing that the program was already onto him. Still, he knew he couldn’t dance around this issue any longer; as far as he could tell, it ending this bizarre relationship would happen now or never. “Uh… w-well… have you ever had to choose between two things you like, but don’t know which one is right for you? I mean, I’m just thinking long-term… M-maybe I should be with someone a little less… ‘beep-boop’, you know?”

.GIFfany’s manner very abruptly shifted upon hearing this, her cheerfulness suddenly diminishing into bitter anger as she scowled at the handyman disapprovingly. “I don’t think you know what you’re saying, Soos,” she growled, her pixelated hands clenched in tight fists at her sides. “No one loves you more than me! The girls out there will just make fun of you!”

“Y-you really think so?” Soos asked, shrinking back in his chair a bit. A part of him felt as though what the program had just said was in fact true, seeing as how most of the girls he had tried flirting with in the past had done just that. And yet… one of them hadn’t. So what exactly did that really mean?

“I know so!” .GIFfany shot back fiercely. “Besides, we had a deal! You bought my game, you carried my books, you’re my boyfriend! So sit down in that chair and love me like I love you!”

“Uh… I don’t think I like the way you’re acting…” Soos remarked, rather unsettled by just how sporadically demanding the program was being.

Of course, his hesitance only made .GIFfany’s already palpable anger completely explode into raw fury as she began pounding on her end of the computer screen amidst furiously shouting at the handyman. “I won’t let another girl take you away from me, Soos! You hear me!?”

“W-whoa! .GIFfany, calm down!” Soos pleaded, genuinely frightened by the program’s incredible rage.

“You’re MINE, Soos!” .GIFfany practically screamed. “MINE! No one else’s! We’re going to be together forever, whether you like it or not!”

As she continued her heated rant, the handyman hurriedly looked for a way to escape her obsessive wrath, and he fortunately found one in the form of the game controller sitting on the desk in front of him. “Uh… pause!” he exclaimed, pressing just that.

“Do you hear me!? MIII-” the program abruptly stopped short, her expression flashing to one of alarm as she froze, finally paused right in the middle of her chaotic episode.

The handyman glanced around nervously for a beat after .GIFfany went silent, before letting out a tentatively relieved sigh. “Yikes… that got pretty intense… I’m sorry, .GIFfany,” he frowned as he took the game disk out of his computer, not noticing the small spark that lashed out from it as he did. “But maybe having a cursed robo-girlfriend wasn’t such a good idea. I’m taking you back to the video game store after my date with Melody.”

Though Soos felt somewhat bad about how harshly things had ended between him and. GIFfany, he still put her disk back in its case before pocketing it and heading out, knowing that he couldn’t think too much about it right now. After all, he had to get ready for his first date with an actual girl. And besides, seeing as how .GIFfany had just shown her true crazy and obsessive colors, perhaps it was for the best that he was cutting his ties with her, once and for all.

However, as soon as the handyman had left his room, his computer hummed back to life on upon its own accord. The monitor flashed with the distorted image of .GIFfany herself, her now void eyes still filled with untold anger before she left the screen entirely, intent on following Soos once more, and claiming him as hers and hers alone.

“You should have seen that thing, Amethyst,” Stan remarked to the purple Gem as he finished gathering up the last few supplies for their upcoming Revenge Trip. “That animatronic badger sings, it dances, it’s the perfect money taking attraction! But he won’t sell it to me!”

“K, Stan, I’m gonna be real with you here for a sec,” Amethyst said, casually laying back on the gift shop counter. “This whole badger thing is… really dumb. Actually, it might just be about the dumbest reason you’ve called me up for a Revenge Trip ever. But hey, who am I to stop you from wanting to get even with this weird earring-wearing creep you keep complaining about?”

“So you’re in then?” the conman asked, pulling a large black suitcase onto the table.

“You know I am,” the purple Gem grinned, hopping off the counter. “Even if it is dumb, at least it’ll be good for a laugh to watch you rob some goofy kid’s pizza joint. Like the ‘professional’ thief you are.”

“Oh, I plan on being professional about this,” Stan retorted firmly, pulling a pair of black gloves on. “And careful too. No more Colombian nights.”

“Alright, Stan,” Wendy spoke up as she noticed the conman and the purple Gem prepping for their latest escapade. “This is weird, even for you. Do you need to talk or something?”

“Nothing you can say will change my mind, Wendy,” Stan concluded dismissively. “Sometimes, a man has to steal an animatronic badger to stay in this crazy game called life.”

“Or… you could just not care,” Wendy retorted, crossing her arms.

“Aw, but where’s the fun in that?” Amethyst asked with a wry smirk. “Besides, its not like this is the first time either of us have been around the bend. This kind of Revenge Trip fare is a piece of cake for two pros like us.”

“Uh, ok…” Wendy frowned, still not entirely convinced as she glanced over at the conman preparing to leave through the open window. “Still, Amethyst, are you really sure you should be enabling Stan like this? I mean, he is kinda-”

“If you finish that sentence with the word ‘old’, then you’re fired!” Stan interupted with a harsh scowl, prompting Wendy to wisely hold her piece.

“Uh, no offense, but you are pretty old, Stan,” Amethyst pointed out with a somewhat teasing grin, much to the conman’s annoyance, though she elaborated immediately after. “But the good news is that I’m even older than you are, and what’s even better is that we’re both still rockin’ it with the revenge schemes through and through, so that jerky guy who made fun of you is gonna totally eat his words once we steal his singing badger thing!”

“Yeah!” Stan cheered with newfound verve upon hearing the purple Gem’s support. “That’s the spirit! No one tells Stan Pines he’s out of the game! No one tells-” The conman was cut off as he abruptly fell out of the window he was trying to climb out of, a clear cry of pain escaping him as he landed in the shrubs beside the shack.

“I’ll get your orthopedic back pillow,” Wendy called to him, leaning out the window to make sure he wasn’t too badly hurt.

“Thank you!” Stan responded somewhat weakly, still trying to pull himself up off the ground.

“Woo!” Amethyst exclaimed excitedly as ran up to the window herself, more than ready for their latest Revenge Trip. “Let’s go break some laws!” Without any further ado, she daringly jumped out the window herself, only to land squarely on top of Stan, resulting in yet another loud groan from the already injured conman. “Whoops. Sorry, Stan.”

Under Steven and Dipper’s direction, Soos had made sure to show up to the mall quite early for his date, mostly so the boys could go over the last minute pointers they had to offer him. The trio congregated in the food court, the importance of this event not lost on any of them as the boys drilled the handyman on exactly what he was to do to make this date a rousing success.

“You got this, Soos!” Steven encouraged boldly as Dipper handed the handyman off some much-needed water to refresh him. “We believe in you! Just remember everything you’ve learned so far. How does she look?”

“Nice!” Soos answered with determination.

“What are her stories?”

“Interesting!”

“And who’s going to pay for dinner?”

“Soos is!” Soos shouted, jumping out of his seat as he prepared to tackle this great challenge head on.

“Now… date!” Dipper exclaimed with the blow of an air horn, prompting the handyman to rush forward with a courageous battle cry. The boys watched him go with eager smiles, both of them unanimously proud of everything they had accomplished in helping Soos reach this previously unattainable point.

“Aw… they grow up so fast…” Steven remarked warmly as both him and Dipper silently wished the handyman the best of luck, even if they did plan on making themselves available to the handyman throughout his date, if need be.

With purpose in his step, Soos steadily approached Hoo-Haw Owl’s, excitement and nervousness simultaneously forming in his gut as he spotted Melody standing outside its entrance, patiently waiting for him. For a brief moment, .GIFfany’s warning of real girls making fun of him found purchase in his thoughts, but the handyman was quick to push the thought from his mind. He wasn’t about to let the memory of the insanely manic program, or anything else for that matter, ruin tonight, not after how hard for him to get here in the first place.

“Oh, hi, Soos!” Melody greeted the handyman with a bright smile as she spotted him approaching.

“Melody! Are you ready for a-” Soos paused, looking to the script the boys had written on his hands earlier to help him along. “Date with me?”

Melody chuckled at this, clearly bemused and charmed by the handyman’s lack of subtlety. “I totally am,” she said, taking the first step by linking arms with Soos as they both headed into the restaurant.

As usual, Hoo-Haw Owl’s was noisy and lively, with children running about, playing arcade games and eating pizza to their hearts’ content. While Connie still thought it was a rather irreverent place for Garnet to smooth things over with Jamie, Mabel was completely confident with her plan as she led the ever-stoic Gem leader to an empty table to wait for the mailman.

“We’re super glad you agreed to come all the way out here tonight, Garnet,” Mabel grinned as they all sat down. “Now, Jamie is supposed to show up any minute now, so when he gets here, we need you to be nice and gentle with him.”

“Yeah, be sure to apologize for how things went earlier today,” Connie added. “And then let him down easily this time, you know, so you won’t completely shatter his heart all over again.”

“And if worse comes to worse, t-then maybe you could just zap his brain to make him forget that any of this happened in the first place!” Mabel suggested. “That… that is something you can do, right?”

“Don’t worry,” Garnet assured flatly. “I know what I’m going to say.”

“Oh… y-you do?” Connie asked, exchanging a somewhat worried glance with Mabel at this.

“Mm hm,” Garnet nodded. “But that’s not the only reason why I’m here.”

“Uh… then why else did you come?”

“…You’ll see,” the Gem leader replied, adjusting her shades knowingly and leaving the girls with an abundance of unanswered questions.

Meanwhile, just a few tables away, Soos and Melody’s date was getting off to a decent, if not somewhat initially awkward start. “Man, I could really go for some complimentary breadsticks right now,” Melody remarked, glancing around the restaurant for their server.

“Uh, one time I was so hungry, I ate the decorative bamboo at a Chinese restaurant,” Soos quipped, nervously at first, before easing up a bit. “Like a big old panda!”

“You’re hilarious,” Melody chuckled, eliciting a relieved laugh from the handyman himself as he realized that the date was going rather well so far, even if he was admittedly still on edge for reasons he couldn’t quite explain.

“Yeah, well, you know… I just sorta say whatever pops into my, uh…” Soos trailed off as he took a sip from his water, his gaze drifting up to the arcade screens behind Melody, only to spot something that made him freeze with apt fear. Despite all logic, .GIFfany was there, her expression severe as she stared at Soos piercingly, a subtitle reading “You paused me?” appearing below her.

Unable to hold back his shock at the program’s unexpected return, the handyman accidentally spit out his water onto Melody before breaking into a round of panicked coughs. “Soos, are you ok?” Melody asked with concern as she wiped the water off of her.

“No!” Soos exclaimed as a knee-jerk reaction before quickly correcting himself. “I, uh, I’m fine! Everything’s fine! T-there’s totally nothing creepy going on at all!”

“You sure?” Melody frowned, not noticing .GIFfany appear on the screens right above her head. “You’re spitting an awful lot…”

Soos barely stifled a gasp as he watched the screens, reading .GIFfany’s bitter messages to him of “You left me? For HER?” before a pixelated version of Melody’s face showed up on the screen before quickly being x-ed out by the jealous program herself. The handyman didn’t even have to think twice about the frightening implications of this, which was why he knew he had to get some help in dealing with .GIFfany, and fast.

“Uh, can you sit tight?” he asked Melody amidst breaking out into a cold sweat. “I have to go to the bathroom for a long time. Not in a weird way!”

Before Melody could even ask any questions, Soos ran off, quickly finding Dipper and Steven laying low at a nearby table along with Mabel and Connie, who had joined them there to scope out the situation with Jamie and Garnet from afar. Still, the kids were all rather confused and concerned upon seeing the handyman plop down into the booth with them, his breathing short and frantic as he nervously glanced around at the surrounding arcade screens.

“Soos, what are you doing out there?” Dipper asked, knowing that Soos’ sudden panic wasn’t what they had drilled him on.

“I’ve got a big problem, guys,” the handyman explained in a distraught whisper. “I’m being stalked by .GIFfany!”

“.GIFfany?” all four of the kids questioned, the girls not knowing who he was referring to while the boys were surprised to hear Soos bring the program up again.

“Or maybe its pronounced ‘.JIFfany’? I was never really sure…” Soos mused, even though such a detail hardly mattered at the moment.

“Soos, get a grip on yourself,” Dipper urged. “.GIFfany can’t stalk you because she’s not real.”

“Yeah, and besides,” Steven added. “We thought you got rid of that game already.”

Before Soos could explain what had really happened, the entire group was alerted to the program’s ominous presence on the screens just above them. .GIFfany’s expression was set in a tight glare as she set her sights on Soos alone, showing that she wasn’t about to let him go so easily, much to the alarm of the kids and the handyman.

“Wait, that’s .GIFfany?” Connie asked, still rather lost when it came to this situation.

“Aw, she’s really pretty!” Mabel quipped. “Really scary, but still, pretty!”

“Take it from someone who brought an arcade game to life, this will not end well,” Dipper said, referencing the Rumble McSkirmish fiasco.

“D-don’t worry,” Soos tried to reassure. “I’m pretty sure she’s stuck on TV screens.” Almost as soon as the handyman had said this, .GIFfany was quick to prove him wrong as she spread down to the arcade machines, quickly spreading across them at a rapid pace as she made her way up towards the stage. “Uh oh…” Soos gulped upon witnessing this, wasting no time in getting up and hurrying back to Melody in the hopes of saving her from .GIFfany’s obvious wrath. “So, uh, hey, you wanna move this date far away into the woods away from all electronics and people?” he asked his date, putting on a fake confident smile, even if he really was anything but.

“What? But the floor show’s about to start,” Melody reminded, nodding up to the stage as the curtains began to open and the band of animatronics began playing their cheerful opening number.

“Oh man, this is getting really serious!” Steven exclaimed to the others as they remained sitting by at their tucked away table. “We gotta do something to help Soos!”

“But wait!” Connie interjected with a surprised gasp, pointing over to the other side of the restaurant, where a certain mailman sat, his head buried in his heads as a sign of absolute misery. “There’s Jamie!”

“And there’s Garnet!” Mabel added as the Gem leader started heading over to join him. “Oh, fingers crossed that her words don’t destroy him this time!”

The kids continued watching as Garnet silently took a seat at the table across from Jamie, startling the mailman out of his depressive revere. “G-Garnet!” he exclaimed, quickly sitting up. “You… you actually came. A-are you here to crush what’s left of my withered, cracked heart with the mighty hammer of your agonizing rejection?”

Garnet didn’t answer this right away, but instead took pause, almost as if she was trying to figure out what to say before giving Jamie what he deserved: the truth. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“T-then will you go out with me?” the mailman asked, a small hint of hope in his tone.

“No!” Garnet asserted, completely firm in her response.

“B-but… I’ve loved you since I first saw you…”

The Gem leader let out a frustrated sigh at this, shaking her head at Jamie’s continued persistence. “Jamie, you’re not-”

Garnet was abruptly cut off as the floor show got into full swing, the loud music making it hard to get any point across as the Hoo-Haw Owl animatronic shouted out over top of it.

“Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” the animatronic began brightly as he strummed his banjo. “Who wants to hear Hoo-Haw the Owl? Hoo! Hoooo…” The owl trailed off as it suddenly shut down, its form dropping limp as the upbeat music faded into a slow, ominous singular banjo tune. The bright lights on stage abruptly shifted over to the badger cheerleader, who seemed to be the only animatronic still activated, her eyes filling in with a sinister red glow.

“Hello, friends!” she exclaimed brightly, in a voice that was immediately familiar to Soos, if no one else in the audience. “Hoo-Haw the Owl is dead.” At this starkly dark remark, the stage lights suddenly went dark altogether, save for the spotlight still focused on the possessed cheerleader animatronic. “This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos.”

“Soos, what’s going on?” Melody asked, turning to the handyman with disturbed alarm upon hearing this.

“No time to explain!” Soos exclaimed fearfully, grabbing Melody by the hand and pulling her out of the booth. “We gotta get outta here!”

“The only way out, Soos, is in my arms!” .GIFfany shouted amidst controlling not just the cheerleader animatronic, but the entire band of them as their eyes also began glowing red. “After them!”

As the machines threateningly began lurching off the stage, the restaurant was thrown into a complete and utter uproar, with its young patrons and their parents rushing to escape from this animatronic onslaught. As Soos continued pulling Melody towards the exit, the kids also hopped out of their booth to flee along with him, though Garnet took a slightly different approach.

“W-whoa!” Jamie gasped, tucking under the table a bit as Garnet rose to stand, her gauntlets forming as one of the animatronics steadily marched towards them. “What’s happening?!”

Garnet largely ignored his question as she swiftly dodged an empty plate the animatronic hurled at her. “I saw this coming,” she remarked, preparing to move from the defensive to the offensive. “Just stay here and keep out of the way.”

“But wait!” Jamie worriedly exclaimed, reaching after the Gem leader as she bravely leapt into action. “Garnet! My fierce, majestic moon! Don’t leave me here to—ah!” The mailman was abruptly cut off as another animatronic rammed its fist into the table he was at, prompting him to get up and flee with a cry of apt terror, despite Garnet’s instructions.  

Right before this bout of chaos broke out in the restaurant, Stan and Amethyst had gotten to work on sneaking in through the back and securing the Will E. Badger animatronic without anyone taking notice of their heist at all.

“So this is that great ‘money making’ badger you keep going on about?” the purple Gem asked, not that impressed as the conman tied it to a dolly. “Huh, you know I thought it’d be a bit less… lame?”

“Hey, it may not look like much, but this guy is gonna earn me its weight in gold,” Stan retorted, tightening up his knots. “And… done. Out with the old, in with the new. I feel invincible!”

Amethyst was about to respond with another sly remark, but before she could, the animatronic suddenly powered on, completely out of nowhere. “Uh… Stan?” the purple Gem began with wide eyes, only for her surprise to spike as the badger broke free from its bonds and turned to punch Stan squarely in the jaw.

“Ow!” the conman shouted, falling to the ground from the heavy blow. “W-what the-”

“Who wants to get badgered?!” the animatronic threatened, shades painted red as he stood over Stan, ready to go in for another hit. Fortunately though, its hand was stilled as Amethyst’s whip tightly coiled around it.

“Hey, badger brain!” the purple Gem scowled, pulling back her whip a bit as the animatronics’ head turned completely around to face her. “Back off!” The animatronic simply let out a wild battle cry as it yanked its arm back, tossing Amethyst along with it into the wall near Stan. The pair had relatively little time to recover from the blows they had suffered as the badger prepared to go in for more, its suddenly violent behavior being more than enough to elicit fearful gasps from them both.

Inside of the restaurant itself, the animatronics seemed to be even more aggressive under .GIFfany’s control. While most of the other patrons had safely fled, the program had made sure to bar off any exists before Soos could reach them, trapping not only him, but Melody and the kids inside the store and cornering them as the animatronics all started to gang up on them.

“I’m sorry, Soos, but you can’t run away from our relationship!” .GIFfany proclaimed, pointing towards a nearby skee-ball machine as her electrical current reached it, giving her complete control over it. A barrage of balls flew out from it, shooting towards the group until Soos pulled an arcade cabinet down to itself, taking refuge behind it along with Melody and the kids.

“So about all this,” the handyman said to his confused date in this brief moment of tentative reprieve. “I may have purchased a dating simulator that obtained sentience and went crazy…”

“Oh, I am crazy,” .GIFfany spoke up upon overhearing this as she stepped forward. “Crazy for you, Soos!” At this, lightning sparked out of the hands of the animatronic the program was possessing, the bursts catching small bursts of fire as they landed near the group hiding behind the arcade cabinet. Some of these flames happened to catch in Melody’s hair, eliciting a fearful cry from her before Soos hurried to help her pat it out.

“Oh no! Melody, I’m so sorry,” the handyman said with sincere remorse for the disaster he had inadvertently cause. “I wanted this date to be perfect, but its turned into a huge mess! And now, we’re all gonna”-

“Hey!” a sudden bold shout broke through the ongoing clamor, startling all everyone and even catching .GIFfany herself off guard as she turned to see the brazen Gem leader standing behind her, ready to fight. “Leave them alone!”

“Garnet!” the kids and Soos all exclaimed in apt relief upon seeing her, hoping that she could put an end to this madness once and for all. .GIFfany, however, was far from pleased.

“Never!” she fiercely shot back. “I’m not going anywhere without my Soos! We are going to be together as the perfect couple forever, and no one is going to get in the way of our love!”

“If that’s what you think love is all about,” Garnet began steadily, disdain for the twisted program clear in her tone. “Then clearly you don’t know the first thing about it.”

.GIFfany simply responded to this accusation with a frustrated shout before commanding most of the other animatronics to go after Garnet. At first, the Gem leader took them on with little problem, dodging their blows before lashing out several of her own. Still, it was clear that she was quite outnumbered, despite her palpable strength, something that Soos in particular took notice of as he peeked out from behind the arcade machine.

“Aw man, she won’t be able to fight all those dudes off forever,” he said with a fretful frown. “That’s it! I gotta fix this! It’s me .GIFfany wants in the first place. Melody, I’ll distract her while Dipper, Mabel, Steven, and Connie keep you safe. It’s the only way!”

“Soos, these are children,” Melody remarked rather incredulously as the handyman bravely rose to the occasion.

“The only waaaaaay!” he shouted, running out into the fray, despite being pelted by skee balls all the while. “Over here, .GIFfany!” he taunted the program as he ran past her towards the kitchen.

“Stop!” .GIFfany shouted after him, a fierce glare crossing the animatronics’ expression as she followed him. At the same time, the other machines were still on the attack, most of them dealing with Garnet. The Gem leader managed to defeat one of them with a heavy punch through the chest, only for one of them to latch a firm hold onto her arm. She punched the first animatronic away, but several more rushed at her only seconds after, eliciting a fearful gasp from Jamie as he watched this entire display from behind the row of tables he had tucked under. And as yet another animatronic went in to launch a hit upon the Gem leader from behind, the mailman knew he could no longer remain watching this epic battle from the sidelines.

“Halt!” he shouted dramatically, jumping up onto a table to catch the gang of animatronics’ attention. “Step away from my lady, you cads, and face me instead! I will gladly stand against any adversity in the name of protecting-” Jamie cut himself off as the machines all turned to face him with their threatening red gazes, frightening him enough for him to quickly retract his courageous stance. “Um… y-you know what?” he squeaked, getting off the table as several of the animatronics mobilized to go after him before he quickly fled. “I think this adversity might just be a bit too much for me to handle! Ah!”

Despite their best efforts at teamwork, Stan and Amethyst weren’t really faring much better against Will E. Badger as they found themselves knocked out of the restaurant by the attacking animatronic. As the conman sustained another hit to the gut, the purple Gem tried to rush the badger with her whip. She managed to wrap it around the animatronic almost entirely, but its metallic form proved too strong for her weapon and it broke free from it with little effort at all before kicking her away.

“S-stay back, you monster!” Stan shouted at the animatronic, lifting his arms to defend himself again as he backed away from it.

“Geez! What’s this stupid thing’s deal anyway?!” Amethyst groaned, summoning yet another whip.

“Heck if I know!” the conman clenched his fists a bit tighter as the animatronic reeled its fist back. “If I had known that stealing this creep would be this potentially deadly, I never would have-”

“Look out!” the purple Gem warned, only for Stan to heed her a moment too late as the badger punched him into the pile of abandoned trash sitting next to the building. Though the conman was let reeling from the blow, he still did have the wits about him to duck out of the way of the animatronics’ next hit, which just so happened to land in the open maw of old Goldie. As Amethyst pulled Stan away from the badger, they both happened to notice that its arm was tightly caught in the prospector’s biting grip, something that it couldn’t break free from, no matter how hard it tried.

“Hey, isn’t that that old nugget thing you used to have back at the shack?” Amethyst asked, slightly confused by this bizarre turn of events.

“Yes, it is!” Stan proclaimed with a proud smile as Goldie continued munching upon the animatronics’ arm. “Get ‘em, Goldie! Get ‘em!”

Unfortunately, this tread of easily subduing the animatronics didn’t really carry through inside the restaurant itself. As the machines scattered to apprehend everyone else, the kids also split up, in the hopes that Garnet would have an easier time taking the animatronics on if they were thinned out a bit. Steven and Mabel wisely decided on hiding out in the indoor playground where the animatronics wouldn’t be able to squeeze into had reach them, though of course, they both took the time to remove their shoes before heading inside, despite the peril they were in. Dipper and Connie, on the other hand, both realized they were at a distinct disadvantage as neither of them had swords on them, which meant their relatively new skills were completely useless in defending themselves against the animatronics. But they did manage to narrowly avoid a brutal blow by dodging out of the path of an attacking beaver animatronic, with its hit landing down on one of the arcade machines instead. As it was distracted and the pair fled, Melody rushed in, brazenly knocking the animatronic out with a chair, only for several more to beset her immediately after. Even Garnet seemed to be having a hard time dealing with the group of animatronic she was squaring off against, largely because she had to protect Jamie in the process as he fearfully cowered behind her.

“G-Garnet, my love,” the mailman spoke up shakily as the Gem leader punched another animatronic back, despite the fact that they were both essentially cornered against a wall. “If these are indeed our last moments together on this Earth, then please, at least allow me the chance to beg for the light of your love to shine down upon-”

“Not now!” Garnet ordered fiercely, not wanting to deal with this distraction as she pushed an animatronic away. “Or ever for that matter.”

“B-but-” Jamie cut his dejection off with a startled gasp as one of the animatronics rammed right into the Gem leader, pinning her to the wall by both arms as it prepared to take her out. “No!” the mailman cried, pushing all his fear away as he tried a last ditch effort to help her by diverting the animatronics’ attention away by throwing letters at it. Much to his and Garnet’s surprise, it was enough to get the machine to turn to him, but this time, Jamie didn’t flee as he instead continued hurling letters at it while steadily backing away. “T-that’s right, you cur! Taste the unflinching wrath… of mail!”

Despite Jamie’s feeble success, Melody and the kids soon found themselves overwhelmed and apprehended, something that Soos noticed with a fretful gasp as he glanced out of the kitchen window. To make matters worse, .GIFfany herself continued to pursue him in slow, calculated steps, knowing that she had him right where she wanted him.

“I’ve got you surrounded, Soos,” she warned, her animatronic wearing a huge, learning grin as she essentially cornered the handyman. “There is no way out!”

“P-please,” Soos tried to reason with the rather unreasonable program. “Just let my friends go. I’ll do anything, I promise!”

“I seem to remember someone promising to be my boyfriend!” .GIFfany’s robotic tone pitched as she appeared on the screen right beside the handyman, her usual smile taking on a sinister aura. “Think about it. Real girls are unpredictable. They judge you. What makes you think you could ever have a chance with anyone else but me? Do you really think Melody will take you back after this awful date?”

The handyman’s tentative courage faltered upon hearing this, unable to deny that .GIFfany likely had a point. After all, what kind of girl would ever give him the light of day after being put in such mortal danger thanks to his own missteps and failures? Certainly, after tonight, he’d be right back to square one when it came to his empty love life, just like he always had been. However, the option the program proceeded to present him with was far from anything better.

“I can download your game into the game with me,” .GIFfany offered warmly, her animatronic projecting a flash drive from its finger, which it then pointed out at Soos. “And we’ll be together, forever…”

“Ah!” Soos gasped, covering his exposed belly button with his sweater vest. “S-stay back!” In a meager attempt to ward off the program, he dug through his pockets for anything to throw at her, tossing both pocket change and a spare screwdriver at her, which she easily dodged as she continued sulking towards him.

“Cone on, Soos,” .GIFfany patronized, cheerful as always as she quickly started bridging the gap between them. “Don’t make me delete you too!” Soos sucked in a sharp breath as he pressed against the wall behind him, desperately searching for a way out of his seemingly inescapable fate. It seemed as though, no matter what, .GIFfany was determined to have him all to herself, which the handyman knew was a complete impossibility, even despite how they had hit it off early on. But still, he knew that he couldn’t abandon reality to be with her, despite her promises of understanding, compliance, and love. When it came right down to it, he needed a real girl, one of flesh and bone rather than of bits and bytes. Which was why, as he happened to pull the Romance Academy 7 disk out of his pocket, Soos knew exactly what he had to do. “What do you say?” .GIFfany asked, inching her flash drive ever closer to the handyman in the hopes of finally claiming him as hers alone.

“I say, game over, .GIFfany!” Soos boldly proclaimed, pulling the pizza oven behind him open before tossing the game disk right into its immense heat.

“NO!” .GIFfany cried in apt fear as the disk began to shrivel up and melt. The image of the program on the screen let out a shrill scream of defeat, her pixels starting to break apart and dissipate out of existence, her scream doing the exact same thing as the screen went black. The animatronic the program had been possessing emitted a high pitched whine as well, its face melting off to reveal the robotic mechanism underneath before it shut down and collapsed, confirming that her malicious presence was indeed finally gone.

As a result of .GIFfany’s obliteration, all of the other rouge animatronics shut down, including the one Stan and Amethyst were dealing with outside. While still struggling to free itself from Goldie’s grip, the Will E. Badger animatronic suddenly deactivated, roughly plummeting to the ground as the pair watched in apt amazement.

“Whoa…” Amethyst breathed as her whip disappeared. “I can’t believe that janky old thing… saved us!”

“Well, believe it!” Stan grinned, picking Goldie up and hugging it tightly. “You did it! You beautiful old monster! You did it! How’s about the three of us hit the town? These old has-beens are going to Vegas!”

“Now you’re talking!” Amethyst cheered, gladly following the conman as he carried the prospector machine off to head off on this tandem trip. “Let’s go make some cash money!”

As the animatronic that Jamie had been pelting with mail finally went limp, the mailman let out a huge sigh of relief at the imminent danger finally coming to an end. However, his dread was quick to return as Garnet stepped over to him, her expression unreadable as she motioned to a nearby table.

“Sit,” she instructed staunchly, which Jamie tentatively did as the Gem leader did the same before speaking her peace. “Jamie, I hope you know that what you just did was very dangerous.”

“Yes… I-I do,” Jamie nodded, somewhat confused before leaping right back into his usual theatrics. “B-but I was glad to risk it all for you, Garnet, my love! From the moment I first laid eyes upon you, I knew that we were destined to be together!”

“No, we’re not,” Garnet firmly denied, finally ready to set the record straight. “Love at first sight doesn’t exist. Love takes time, and love takes work. At the very least you have to know the other person. And you literally have no idea who, or what, I am.” The Gem leader finished by adjusting her shades, knowing that every word she had just spoken came from the genuine experiences of love both of the halves that composed her had been through together.

“B-but… I bloom for you like… like a… camellia… under moon light…” Jamie stammered, his voice breaking a bit as he looked to her pleadingly.

“No, you don’t,” Garnet said, eliciting a confused, albeit saddened glance from the mailman. “You make a very convincing lovesick fool. You convinced those children,” she nodded over to Mabel and Connie, who were not very discreetly eavesdropping on the whole scene from afar. “You even convinced yourself. You’re a fantastic actor.”

“R-really?” Jamie asked, eyes wide with surprise upon hearing such a compliment. “So… what am I supposed to do now?”

“Start with local theatre,” Garnet advised, giving the mailman a hearty slap on the back before she got up and walked off. For a moment, Jamie simply sat there, still rather shaken as he tried to take it all in before the girls hesitantly approached him.

“Uh… hey, Jamie,” Connie began with a small, sheepish smile. “Are you ok?”

“…Yeah,” the mailman nodded, still trying to get over his initial surprise. “That was… some pretty solid advice.”

“Well, uh, that’s good to hear,” Mabel said somewhat tenatively. “Um, we’re sorry for kinda causing this whole mess between you and Garnet. We didn’t mean for things to get so… you know, crazy.”

“Yeah, it probably would have been better if we had just left well enough alone in all this…” Connie remarked, rubbing her arm awkwardly.

“Eh, its ok,” Jamie reassured, finally smiling himself. “You girls were just trying to help me out, and I can’t really blame you for that. So thanks for everything. Even if it was kinda meddling…”

“Heh, yeah…” Mabel chuckled, exchanging a glance with Connie as they both realized they had learned a pretty important lesson about such meddling. “So, were those more letters you wrote to Garnet?” she asked, nodding towards the discarded mail Jamie had used to ward off the animatronic.

“No, that was the mail I was supposed to deliver on my last route.”

A beat of silence passed at this as the three of them looked towards the rather disastrous mess of mail littering the floor of the restaurant before Connie stiffly spoke up. “We’ll help you pick it all up.”

“Thanks,” Jamie said as they all got up to do just that.

Meanwhile, with .GIFfany gone, Soos had wasted no time in hurrying back to Melody to make sure she was ok. Surprisingly, she rather understanding upon hearing the whole story as the handyman detailed to her while they sat together in the wreckage of the animatronic disaster. Still, despite her lack of anger, Soos couldn’t help but feel rather guilty for just how much danger he had inadvertently put her through, especially since he really had grown to like her very much.

“I’m sorry for all this, Melody,” the handyman sighed, looking out over the mess .GIFfany had left behind. “I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid.”

“Believe it or not, I’ve been on worse dates,” Melody shrugged with a small smile.

“Really?”

“Never date a magician.”

“Ugh, why would I?” The pair got a good laugh out of this, one that eventually dissipated as they met each others’ gazes with mutually affectionate smiles. Soos figured that it was now or never, which was why he decided to go ahead and ask the question that had been plaguing him for the past few days. “So, uh, you wouldn’t be interested in going with me to my cousin’s engagement party in a week, would you? I promise there’s like, zero animatronic badgers.”

“Sure, sounds like fun,” Melody chuckled. “I should still be in town then.”

“Still be in town?” Soos frowned, confused.

“I’m going back home to Portland in a few weeks,” Melody sighed somewhat sadly. “But when I do, we can still video chat, if that’s ok with you.”

“A relationship with a girl who I can only see through my computer…” Soos mused for a moment before breaking out into an affirmative smile as he placed his hand on top of Melody’s. “Sounds perfect!”

The couple shared another warm laugh over this, both of them more than enjoying each other’s company, even if they were relatively unaware of the boys proudly watching them converse from their spot in the ball pit.

“Aw, they already make such a nice couple!” Steven quipped warmly as he changed a glad smile with Dipper. “I’m so glad Soos got his happy ending; if anyone deserves it, its him.”

At this, both boys were instantly caught off guard as Soos’ Abuelita suddenly popped up out of the ball pit, completely out of nowhere. “Yes, yes,” she remarked with a contented smile, looking over at her grandson. “I am so happy.”

“Uh… have you been following us all day?” Dipper asked her, rather concerned by such an implication.

Abuelita simply nodded, throwing the boys off even more, though she hardly noticed amidst her controlled elation over Soos’ finally successful attempts at romance. “Soos’ life is my soap opera.”

Next: 

#universe falls #jen writes #gravity falls #steven universe #crossover #au #fanfic #soos #jamie #dipper #mabel #steven #connie #garnet #stan #amethyst #wendy #melody #giffany #idk others are in there? #key is GIFFANY

[dirtyfinger]

Friday: Yours dirtiest ALL night at @bkmadebushwick. - New spot asked me to keep things fun and funky all night, I'll have a pile of records that is happy to oblige... No cover 10-late. #fbp (at Made in Brooklyn) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUs6TEyMlqz/?utm_medium=tumblr

#fbp

[puncromancer]

spookyvenomsbite replied to your post “Hey, since you're the pun "god", come up with a pun in the next three...”

I sent this ask in around 15 minutes ago. You're late. Your pun god status is removed. -Federal Bureau Of Puns (FBP)

you can take your agency and shove it i’m making like a glaive i saw on the ground and going “free lance!”

#spookyvenomsbite #timer started when i read it i got a dog on me it takes me longer than three seconds to type out things also i gave triple the amount asked #threeply toilet paper #you said three seconds to think up a pun not post it