breakfast- 1/4 cup oats, 1/2 cup almond milk, scoop of vanilla protein powder, serving of collagen peptide powder, blackberries, espresso over ice (366 calories)
snack- fruit bowl (117 calories)
lunch- lemon garlic chicken breast, 50/50 spinach/spring mix with low-cal balsamic, sweet potato (387 calories)
snack- nut thins with a light creamy laughing cow wedge (72 calories)
dinner- sriracha/tamari chicken breast, lemon garlic broccoli (231 calories)
late night snack- 1 tbsp peanut butter on keto bread, quarter of a grapefruit, 4 olives, light creamy laughing cow wedge, nut thins (305 calories)
total: 1472 calories
this is what I ate for maintenance/slow muscle building as a 5 foot 3.5 woman who is trying to stay 115 lbs. Did not bike or lift today. 60 oz water daily.
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- ED trigger warning -
Being skinny ruined my life. If you’re thin and think to yourself, “why don’t fat people just lose weight?” Please read this
I was the “ideal fat” in the sense that I did everything skinny people wanted me to do. I tried every diet in the book. I exercised regularly. I worked with doctors and dietitians to figure out the best way to lose weight. But nothing worked. I did everything “right” to lose weight, and my weight stayed the same
But the thin people in my life kept telling me that I wouldn’t be happy, attractive, healthy, etc. until I lost weight. So, heartbroken, I came to the conclusion that anorexia was the only option left. It felt safer than bariatric surgery, and was obviously much more affordable
I became the perfect anorexic. 700 cal a day or less, except once a week I allowed myself 1400 cal. For reference, my body required at least 2800 to maintain weight, and at least 1800 to keep my organs and stuff fully functioning. Still, 700 a day, I persisted because everyone in my life told me weight loss was all that mattered. If dieting didn’t work, anorexia had to
And it did. My weight dropped all the way down to 110 pounds. I was skinny - underweight, even - in all sense of the word. The people in my life saw it as a miracle. The ultimate success story. My mother, my “friends,” my doctors, they all congratulated me on my accomplishment
When I confessed my eating disorder to my doctor, he told me, “that’s not the best way to go about it, but I’m glad you lost the weight.” My mother took pictures of me and sent them to relatives to brag
Okay, great. I was skinny. I did what I set out to do. But there were severe consequences
The most obvious was my joint pain doubled, maybe even tripled, to the point that I couldn’t leave the house without a wheelchair
I also developed several health complications, including fatty liver disease and extremely painful GERD. I had to see a handful of specialists and get an endoscopy because of severe stomach pain
My partner, who was the only person who saw my weight loss for what it was (a horrible thing that only happened because of an eating disorder), convinced me to enter a recovery program
For nearly a year, I relearned how to feed myself. I ate everything I was told to eat, nothing more and nothing less. My diet was 100% in the hands of somebody else
And I gained back every pound I has lost. All of the work to become thin went right out the window. It was proven to me that thinness and health were incompatible with my body. If I wanted to be thin, I had to forgo my physical and mental well-being. And vise-versa
Prior to the anorexia, I never once struggled with binge eating. I was naturally an intuitive eater, and I did a good job of having a well rounded diet. After the anorexia, after recovery, I developed a binge eating disorder. I had spent so long starving myself, that my brain and body got stuck in survival mode, desperate to consume any and all calories out of fear that I might starve again. To this day I struggle with binge eating
I did everything thin people wanted of me. I dieted. I exercised. And when all else failed, I starved myself. Now I have liver disease, stomach issues, and BED. Not to mention the loads of mental issues that accumulated as a result of my weight loss journey. During the throes of my anorexia, I had to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation
When you tell fat people to “just lose weight” you are suggesting they give themselves illnesses for which treatments are not always effective. You are asking fat people to destroy their stomachs and livers. When a fat person loses so much weight that they become skinny, they are likely giving up so much of their health in efforts to be treated like a human being
If you’re thin, do your part. Treat fat people like people before we tear our bodies apart
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Calories for 12.7.22
Breakfast:
coffee with milk and sugar
1 cutie
Lunch:
ham half sandwich
grapes
1 cutie
a tiny handful of Cool Ranch Doritos
Dinner:
mashed potatoes
roasted carrots
barber chicken and broccoli
Snack:
9 tollhouse crackers
1.5 slices muenster cheese
3 hi-chews
Notes:
probably should've just had a bigger breakfast so I didn't feel the need to get cheese and crackers, but otherwise very satisfied with my results.
I haven't Really counted in a few years, though I'm almost always keeping them in mind. Counting today and maybe tomorrow, too. Don't know if I'll keep tracking after the end of this week, but it was nice to confirm I was well-under 1600 today as planned.
hoping it's as easy to behave today. will probably do another little walk at lunch. aiming for 1600 net I think.
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Relapsing and then promptly getting sick a few days later is so fun bc now u practically have to eat normally for a bit and watch the fucking numbers climb up fright back to ur starting point and ur helpless but only to an extent.
Logically, I know that I shouldn’t feel bad about literally not being physically well and then eating to feel better but I can’t fucking help feeling like secretly, I wanted this. I wanted a guilt free way to let myself eat normally. I wanted an excuse, but I don’t deserve it.
Same applies for eating in my room. If I’m in my room alone, eating food, even if it’s on a weekend which I’ve deemed “unavoidable”it is fucking avoidable. I’m just too fucking stupid to treat it as is
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