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drysaladandketchup · 2 months

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for the "things you said" writing meme -- matthew/leon, 12 :)

Thank you for the request <3 I realised very quickly I have no idea what constitutes a 'mini' fic. I struggle to write 'mini' anything lol. Hopefully this still satisfies :)

12. things you said when you thought i was asleep

It takes all of Matthew's willpower not to reach over and smash his phone just to shut up the alarm. All that saves his wallet and an awkward trip to the Apple store is the split-second realisation that the shrieking in his ear isn't his usual alarm.

It's a ringtone. Not his own, either.

He pries his eyes open to find the world through the window is still dark. One of the balcony doors is still ajar, letting in a cool night breeze. He's lying on his side in his own bed, the end of the all-star weekend memorialized by several aches and bruises.

His hips and ass are a little sore too, but that's unrelated. Technically.

The ringing stops. Someone huffs behind him.

Someone. Yeah, no, Matthew knows who it is. They may have met up at the bar once the media was done swarming, but Matthew was far from drunk. Painfully sober, in fact. If he's being honest with himself, he was hoping things would turn out this way.

One more time. One more moment. Because it's been a long time since they were them. Longer still since the sex was just sex, since hate became want. Matthew is strong in a lot of ways, but not against this.

"Davo." Leon's voice is low, and still gruff from sleep when he answers his phone. He sits up on his side of the bed, trying not to disturb Matthew, pulling the covers back up over Matthew's shoulder like he thinks he'll freeze to death in this balmy Florida winter.

Usually Matthew's a heavy sleeper. But never when Leon's around. He makes it impossible for Matthew to completely relax, to let time slip by. Leon's just too big of a presence, almost too much to bear. It was more important that everything linger, to bask in the strange comfort of their relationship, whatever it was. They had so little time. Even less, now.

"I know it's late. No, no, I'm not at the hotel. I'm... I'm with Tkachuk."

Leon says his last name like it's wrong, like it's rotting on his tongue.

When he corrects himself, says, "Matthew", it's better, lighter. Like it's ambrosia.

Matthew remembers when Leon Draisaitl saying his name wouldn't have meant a damn thing to him. When that simple act didn't fill him with fondness.

In the silence, Matthew can hear McDavid talking on the other end, but can't quite make out what he's saying. Matthew tucks up under the duvet, breathing quiet and even, trying to focus instead on the distant sound of waves and the ticking clock on his wall.

Ticking. Always ticking. Time bleeds out when they're together.

He doesn't even remember falling asleep last night, but he wishes he hadn't now. He wishes he'd stayed awake longer, just to... just too see him. To look Leon in the eye, to talk about everything and nothing until dawn, to feel big, too-warm hands on his body more and more and more. He wants to make sure he'll remember how Leon feels, sounds, tastes.

"Connor," Leon says, a warning, followed by a sigh. "I know. I know, okay? It was stupid, but..."

Maybe it was. Matthew has a good thing here in Florida. Better than ever. He was happy to leave Alberta behind and start over. So why did leaving make him feel like a coward?

Because leaving was about Calgary, and the Flames. About his career and his future. It wasn't about Leon. Leon was the wrench in the gears; the one thing he didn't expect to have to say goodbye to, the kind of hurt he never could have accounted for.

"I needed to see him." Leon sounds helpless. He's not the only one.

The only time he's heard Leon so lost was after his team was knocked out of the playoffs last season. The Oilers meant nothing--Matthew was pretty fucking glad considering they'd beat out the Flames--but he never wanted to hear Leon like that again.

He definitely never wanted to be the cause of it. Not like this.

Leon is still mumbling into his phone. "Yeah, I'm fine. He's... we're good. He's happy."

A hand settles on Matthew's head. Fingers play with his curls, nails scratch his scalp. A thumb presses just behind Matthew's ear, stroking the soft skin where only hours before Leon had put his lips, whispering sweetness and filth in equal measure.

It takes everything for Matthew not to groan, to whimper and surrender, roll over and climb on top of Leon and take all over again. Beg him to take something--everything--from Matthew.

"I don't know," Leon says then.

It's easy to guess what McDavid asked.

He's happy. But are you?

"I can't even tell him I still love him."

Still. Matthew didn't even know there was a before, let alone a still. Leon never said anything. Fuck, if Matthew wasn't busy trying to remember how to breathe, he'd roll over and punch him.

Then again, what did Matthew ever say? They never talked about it. Never let those closet hook-ups and slipping out back doors and little drinks and dinners and overnights excused as practical necessity be anything more than that. A bunch of chirps and half-truths and aborted discussions because it was all becoming too much. There was too much uncertainty. Too many ways it could go wrong.

It did go wrong. It became something. It became real.

Maybe that would have changed something. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything at all. It doesn't matter now. Matthew left, and neither of them said a word about things like love, because it was easier to hope it would shrivel and die with distance and time.

"I know I'm being stupid." Leon pauses when McDavid interrupts, then huffs. "No, I am. Fuck, I really thought I'd get over it. Maybe I will. Eventually."

Don't you fucking dare, you piece of shit, Matthew wants to scream.

"Not sure I can, though." Leon swallows so loud Matthew can hear it. Then quieter, like he's not sure he's even allowed to admit it, he says, "I don't really want to."

He's still playing with Matthew's hair, occasionally dragging a finger over his bare shoulder or down his back, tracing imaginary lines across Matthew's flesh. Like he's something to be memorized and cherished.

They're both so fucking stupid. Matthew bites his lip and tries not to choke on the lump in his throat. Could be his heart, climbing right up and out of his mouth. He clings to the sheets with shaking hands.

"I'm not going to fuck up what he's got here," Leon says tiredly, voice thick with tension and pathetic resignation.

Leon's not here to drag him back. He wouldn't do that. So why is he here? Just to torture them both? Being with him doesn't feel like torture. It feels like winning. It feels like defiance and decadence and too much and not enough. It feels like what could have been and what could still be.

He didn't find Leon at that bar and bring him home out of pity, or nostalgia, one last fuck for old times sake. It was... it just was. Not an ending. Not some final goodbye. Proof maybe there could still be something. Getting over it was never an option, Matthew knew that well before he stepped onto the ice as a Panther and found himself staring Leon down all over again.

Matthew's vision is blurring. His eyes sting, warm and wet. There's blood pounding in his ears, and a hand clutching his heart, a vice around his lungs. He hardly remembers how to breathe.

He doesn't catch the rest of Leon's conversation, except something about meeting Connor back at the hotel tomorrow. Meaning he's staying the night, at least. He's staying.

When Leon hangs up the phone, Matthew finally comes up for air. He relaxes his shoulders, listening to the soft thump as Leon taps his phone against his forehead over and over. Then it clatters on the side table. Leon sighs, sniffs, and sinks back under the covers. He tucks right up against Matthew's back, still burning like a furnace, soft muscle and skin brushing Matthew's spine in all the right ways.

He throws an arm around Matthew and finds one of his hands, worming his fingers through the gaps to hold it. His palm is sweaty, not that it matters at all to Matthew. He can't help squeezing Leon's hand a little, but if Leon notices, he doesn't say a word.

Not until he's wrapped tight around Matthew, near suffocating, like any part of them that isn't touching is a sin.

"Love you," Leon mumbles, barely more than a whisper, pressing his lips right to the base of Matthew's neck. Matthew's body can't seem to decide whether to shiver or melt under the heat.

Leon says it like it's inevitable. Painful. Pitiful.

What he's saying is, I'm sorry I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't say it before. I'm sorry I don't know how to say it now. I'm sorry it's too late, it's the wrong place, the wrong time.

Like he doesn't think Matthew could ever understand. And that's the worst part of it all. They're still not on the same page. Tearing down what they never built.

If Leon's only brave enough to say it when Matthew's asleep, then Matthew will just have to be brave enough to say it in the light of day. He doesn't run, and he won't now that he knows he doesn't have to.

He stares into the night outside his window, listening to Leon breathe, feeling his heart beat through Matthew's chest like that's where it longs to be.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe they can stop chasing time long enough to make the most of what they have. To make up for what they've wasted. And whatever happens after, well, maybe they can stop being afraid of that, too.

#hockey #mattdrai #matthew tkachuk #leon draisaitl #my writing #asks #i can take any prompt and shove angst into it just watch me #'mutual pining dumbasses who can't communicate' my beloved trope #i hope it's obvious this is happening during/right after the 2023 asg #i know 2020 was the sacred texts but I feel like we don't use 2023 for mattdrai purposes enough #poor connor always suffering through mattdrai bullshit #leon has a scrapbook full of pictures of matthew and will be like 'remember when my bf left me ;_;' and connor wants to jump off a bridge #'mini' fic they said. i don't think 1.6k is mini. it got away from me. but i have never been concise in my life why start now

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fatphobiabusters · 3 months

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I don't know how to tell you that if you call someone a "hot soft partner" because you can't dare to say the word "fat" or else you'll spontaneously combust, you are, in fact, supporting the fatphobia you claim to be against.

Oh, did I say I didn't know how to tell you? Because I guess I just did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Euphemisms are used to make oppressed groups more palatable to mainstream society and the people who benefit from our oppression. Jot that down.

-Mod Worthy

#Their comment was written in 2020 but I see this shit every single day even in 2024 #And I didn't even mention the bullshit about having to clarify that their fat partner was 'hot'#Ugh #fatphobia #fat liberation #Mod Worthy

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hellsite-hall-of-fame · 1 year

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All the talk about when you joined tumblr got me down memory line and I went through my old blogs

I joined in late 2016 or early 2017 because I saw supernatural tumblr posts and other on Pinterest and wanted the experience

Soke things on the old blogs didn't age well, but it still got me smiling looking back at it

Turns out 13 ear old me and 19 year old me are not so different but also completely different at the same time

i’m so very glad I was able to inspire you to go through the memories of old blogs.

I understand what you mean though, going through old thoughts is always an interesting and enlightening experience

reading through my old stuff makes me want to simultaneously hug my younger self…. and also tell myself to shut up and not post that angsty stuff for my Tumblr friends to have to see lmao

#I had a terribly cringy poetry blog lmao #every single one was about being lonely or sad lmao #it’s private now thankfully #I did go and private some particularly angsty and sad stuff from like 2020 on my main blog recently #that was definitely a dark year #oh Tumblr #ask #hellsite hall of fame curator’s bullshit

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chickenoptyrx · 9 months

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So since Bulma talks wonders about Goku to Trunks, I feel like he, consequently, feels somewhat admiration for the guy; how would broly feel about this? Also, in your AU, would Trunks still need to travel to th future?

So Disclaimer: at this point please understand im more interested in just drawin goofy shit w this AU. r.i.p to all the ideas but they were half baked anyways :T

kinda said this before but broly doesn't know who 'goku' is and doesnt care. Trunks speaks really highly of gohan more often than goku and to Broly these are just dead people he is unimpressed by (hed only realize who goku was once he was physically near him, at which point...) lol

But yeah, i think Trunks definitely has a lot of second hand admiration for Goku, even if a lot of it is him projecting his first hand admiration for gohan onto someone both gohan and his mom thought very highly of.

As far as time travel goes, a minor detail i really like is this bit where it seems more like the whole time travel thing is more bulmas plan-hes actually a bit resistant to it and wants to avenge gohan on his own.

Hed probably still go back to give goku the medicine tho. Just yknow after he beat the androids :U coukd probably do a whole thing about how he doesn't know about cell in this TL so thats a fun surprise

#ugh #sorry if i lost the track #its ⭐ what i do ⭐#but this made me start thinkin of all the ideas i used to have about this AU #but. goofy stuff is more fun #idk maybe someday if this brainrot is truly lifelong #ill start over and try to like be super serious and do like themes and junk #...thats a lie id hate that #my bullshit #ha but fun fact the tag my bullshit just became the tag for this cause i was constantly back on my bullshit :U #ask #this really was just some year of our lord 2020 brainrot shit that i had time to indulge #also sorry all my repkies are long as fuck :U i have no intention to change but like i do feel sorry for yall :T

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recurring-polynya · 1 year

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I was looking up this picture for drawing reference purposes, and I was really struck with the fact that Momo is so much shorter than Izuru, but then it also struck me that Izuru is not that much shorter than Renji. So many horrible things happen to Izuru over the course of Bleach, but I think we often overlook the fact that when he met Renji it was like "ah yes, we are two guys" and then Izuru never grew again and Renji turned into Renji.

This is a splash page, so I thought I would see if I could find some further supporting evidence.

Exhibit B. Here, they are both very smol, but at least they are sort of equally smol.

Exhibit C. This one is very illuminating. For one thing, Momo is not nearly as small as she is in that first picture. For another, even though Renji and Izuru's head's are at roughly the same level, Renji is severely slouching, which isn't necessarily visible from a front or back shot. I love this actually, because Renji gives off the air of being very slouchy and skrunkly in his early appearances. He sort of alternates, actually, where he tends to stand up straight when he's trying to be intimidating or actually fighting, but then slouches and crouches and leans on things at other times. It's like he instinctually tries to take up less space than he actually does, except that you gotta stand up straight when Byakuya is looking at you, can you imagine having bad posture in front of Byakuya?

Anyway, Kira, I'm sorry. At least you're taller than me.

#kira izuru #renji abarai #momo hinamori #avoiding drawing by rambling about shinigami height stuff?#*am* i back on my bullshit?#here's hoping #i have no clue how i got these houkiboshi screenshots completely unobscured by credit scroll #i took them in 2020??

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lukewarmbreadatamoderatepace · 4 months

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31. More girls are getting an education UNICEF reported that there are 50 million more girls in school today than there were in 2015. During this period, completion rates for girls have increased from 86% to 89% in primary school, and from 54% to 61% in high school. There are five million more girls completing all levels of education every year now compared to seven years ago.

I thought it seemed strange that this entry from this feelgood end-of-year piece abruptly switched to using raw numbers (which all else being equal you would expect to go up just from population growth) instead of percentages so I looked up the numbers:

So that represents something like 310 million more girls born into the world in that 8 year timespan, 50 million of whom are getting educations. Is that... actually an improvement, ratio-wise? If we assume that schooling starts at age 5-6-ish (no idea how close that is to accurate), my sloppy and very-possibly-wrong back-of-the-envelope math suggests that fewer than half of girls end up going to school. That's pretty dire-- is it better or worse than before? What's the rate for boys? Afaict we're not really given any frame of reference to tell one way or the other.

#*sees list of positive changes in the world meant to give the reader hope* *hones in instantly to one that might be trying to bullshit me*#yes I do live like this. no I do not like it or benefit from it in any way.#they use raw numbers for a few other ones that would be thrown off this way but it's usually comparing 2020 to now #like showing pandemic recovery stuff

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idontwantittobeunrequited · 10 months

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about to make a silly little british boy falling completely fucking in love with an equally stupid mexican-american boy my personality for the next few months

#about me #red white and royal blue movie #its a revamp guys im back on my bullshit from 2020 #rwrb #rwrb movie #alex claremont diaz #firstprince #prince henry of wales #forget the fact that theyre both in high governmental positions esp henry but its fine

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