#I did write my notes down asap in the parking lot tho

[maljic]

i have been working in the grocery industry practically my entire life. for many companies, and in many many positions. i’ve seen hurricane panic buys, i have seen post hurricane apocalypses, i have closed stores, and i have opened stores. i have been to backroom recoveries, i have worked small stores and big stores. i have seen h1n1, and i have now seen covid19. and even tho this is something unprecedented, all together it’s really not. the difference here is that it’s been going on for three weeks now and there is no end in sight. the duration is what’s so new. 

so i’ve started making notes every day after i got home. just the overall experience, but also customer comments and new things being implemented. it’s a fascination change, and i wanted to write it down to maybe sometime in the future come back to this time and remember anew. 

i plan on keeping notes for the foreseeable future, to keep writing a diary of sorts, to see if this ever levels out or escalates even more, if things change drastically or not at all. and if the fucking toilet paper situation ever goes away. 

things started to change the first week of march. it was super subtle, i didn’t even notice it at first. it was just a steady increase in business. a solid 20% ahead in sales all across the board. and even tho the virus was already in the news it didn’t cotton on right from the start. or it did, maybe, but i wasn’t expecting it to escalate to such heights.

tuesday, 03.10.2020 9am - 5pm

people are making their own hand sanitizer by mixing rubbing alcohol and aloe vera. we’re out of both. lady is asking me by the sun tan section about the state of deliveries of aloe vera gel. we get to talking. i admit that i don’t understand the people’s need for hand sanitizer since the cdc and every doctor ever recommends hand washing first and foremost. Susan comes out and says, ‘well the only thing that really can safe us from all this is...” and i retort with, “washing your hands, right?” but Susan claps back with, “the lord jesus christ.” and i had to excuse myself real quick and leave her ass on the aisle, because why are you fucking here then trying to potion together your own hand sanitizer, Severus, if all you need is god? 

a grown woman that’s working at the register is. coughing. non. stop. co workers comment on it to each other and to me, and i wonder if anyone has taken her aside to explain the current state of world events to her, and maybe asking her to cover her damn mouth. we’re all gonna die.

thursday, 03.12.2020 2pm - 10pm 11pm

parking is an absolute nightmare. i’m 10 mins late cause i can’t find a spot. welcome to hell. i ask my boss what the sales were yesterday and she says we’re 40% ahead of the forecast. which is ridiculous. at this point it’s pretty much a blanket permission for over time. we do not have the capacity to continue to run at this pace. people get worn out, we’re bound to get sick, and the customers are fucking relentless. truck is big. Karen and her brother Chad look at the soap section and wanna know when we get more hand sanitizer in. 

this lady is looking at things in the cold and flu section and we get to talking about shit and she mentions something she’s read on facebook and whoops my filter went poofgone and i tell her that i hope facebook dies along with all this corona virus flu and have a good evening.

at the end of my shift after we’ve finished stocking and cleaning up, i stay longer because there’s still a fuck ton of people in the store but we only have two registers open. i check people out until 11 and then peace out. one dude dropped $650 on groceries.

friday, 03.13.2020 11am - 7pm

“where is the hand sanitizer?” Karen asks. i refrain from shouting at her to get outta my face. the store is absolutely packed. lines of lengths i haven’t ever witnessed. lines and lines of people with full bascarts of stuff. the end is nigh and we are here with a front row view of it. we have a small parking lot, and i have no idea where these people’s cars are? i didnt know we could fit that many people in the store. whats the fire marshall’s max capacity guidelines? someone should review those. meanwhile i’m trying to navigate around everybody and put things on shelves that don’t last very long.

the grocery truck arrives around 3 ish and paper products get thrown out first. usually, when the truck arrives it stays locked until the night crew shows up. we’re set up to always have a trailer at the store, so when the guy shows up he unhitches his trailer, and hitches up under another trailer which was the previous day’s grocery truck, which got emptied off groceries when the night crew stocks, and then got filled with stacks of empty pallets, paper bales, and other reusable thinks like plastic trays the meat comes in, or the eggs come in, or produce plastic trays, things like that. so now that we’re in the apocalypse of paper products, the day crew gets those pallets out on the sales floor asap. at this point we have reduced the quantities of things you’re allowed to take to 3. 3 packs of toilet paper, 3 packs of paper towels... also 3 of lysol wipes and 3 of hand sanitizers even tho we dont have any, calm down, Karen. paper products are gone within an hour. 

my company makes an absolute killing that day.

saturday, 03.14.2020 10ish to whenever. 

my boss said she was coming in (on her off day) so i said yo, mind if i sleep in a bit? i was scheduled 7am and if i don’t have to i don’t want to. she said ok. i rock up at 10:08. things stop showing up on deliveries. the diaper area is sad looking. people have started to buy us out of baby wipes. there’s a problem coming at us in about 2 months. you cant flush baby wipes but since the toilet paper situation is what it is, people will wipe their butts with wet wipes. have fun with that, dallas county utility department (or whoever messes with the water wastes). 

displays are dwindling. we are not getting product, so we are filling the shelves in the aisles with the stuff that’s on displays. it’s a bit wonky looking. there’s half an endcap with shampoo and then the rest of it is filled with hersheys. its upside down world. but we have to keep things full. with whatever. empty shelves are bad bad bad, but empty endcaps are a cardinal sin. 

people waste so much food when they’re shopping. now that the shelves are getting and staying empty, people will just put things everywhere when they decide against buying the items. bags of chips, six packs of beer, gatorade whatever. that’s not really waste. but we also see bags of salad, frozen items, meats. we are currently not in the position to walk the store every half hour and collect these things. these things are all now wasted and will get thrown out. not the chips, i’m talking about the temp controlled things. being cold to the touch is not enough. shit aint safe. 

monday, 03.16.2020 8am - 4 pm 6pm

truck is gigantic. never ever have i seen a truck that big. so everything that my boss was fantasizing about me doing gets thrown out the window when the truck hits the backdoor at 11 am. everybody who is scheduled for truck is given the option to come in early. and stay until it’s all stocked. or until you’re exhausted. i help with the pharmacy stuff because that’s the biggest part. i stay until 6pm. then i’m out. 

people would like to know where the hand sanitizer is, well, sugar, so. do. i. it’s the one item that has been out since the end of february, and people are absolutely gob smacked when you tell them it’s currently unavailable. i try to appease them with some hand soap, but, stupidly, people dont want to hear that. i’m thinking to myself that in about a week soap will also be unavailable, but to each their own. customers believe that we, the workers, know the exact day and time when lysol wipes will be stocked. but when you tell them that soap is getting scarce they look at you like you’re speaking a different language.

company wide, we are not allowed to order anything right now. which is huge. how it usually works is: our system knows at all times how many items we have in the store, as per bar code, and knows how much will fit on the shelves, how much we’re selling every day/hour, and then there’s the forecasting factor. so the system will order stuff based on sold quantities, automatically. all the time. if we need extra stuff for sales and/or displays and whatnot, we order extra. 

the computer system wouldnt know, for instance, that there was a tornado in oct that wiped out our electricity and that of most of our customers, so we changed orders to reflect that. no frozen things, lots more batteries, ice, coolers. 

a lot of things ride on added orders, which are now out

from here on in, everything is up to the system, and to the powers that be. if there’s soap in the warehouse, we will get allocated with every store in the area so that everyone gets equal amounts or close to. hoarding is, apparently, frowned upon at this level too. 

tuesday, 03.17.2020 2pm - 10pm

i have come to hate the soap aisle. used to always be my favorite. so long, soap aisle, we’ve had a good run. tonight i’m stocking the pharmacy area (cold and flu, pain meds, tummy stuff, those sort of things). truck is small. super small. i try helping customers as much as i can, but most of my end of the conversation is no, sorry, we dont have any. backstocks are dwindling. the backroom is emptying out. we rely on truck deliveries for things to do and products to be put out. “do you have any [insert product here] in the back?” is the most asked questions. “there’s nothing in the back.” is the most uttered sentence all day. 

people obviously do to not get what social distance means. every aisle is packed with shoppers. i’m wasting a lot of time trying to stay out of people’s paths, but people lingeeeerrrrr what the fuck. the mayor of dallas shut everything down to flatten the curve yet here all these fuckers are doing their god damn grocery shopping like it’s 3 months ago. get in, get stuff, get out. i try conjuring up some gas to clear the aisle, but the farts won’t come

go home, people. i wish i could.

somehow our store has become the hub in our area. we get trucks in the afternoon with produce and meat, and people from other stores around us show up in trucks and suvs to transport product between stores. i’ve seen so many people that i hadn’t seen in years because they’re coming by getting shit in the afternoon. 

we lost one of our baristas. she’s retired but works with us the maximal allotted hours per week the government allows you before they yank your money. she’s living in senior housing (cause its cheap) and they’ve completely locked down and she is unable to come to work. her boss funnels her groceries. and they face time a lot. she’s doing ok.

wednesday, 03.18.2020 10am - 6pm

parking lot semi full, too full for a wednesday. toilet paper situation is unchanged. but alas there’s no grocery truck scheduled tonight so this is not changing until tomorrow. i’m talking to three separate people desperate for some toilet roll (lol, i love how this pandemic makes me learn new terms, hi, united kingdom, i see you - toilet roll, i love it). anyways, i explain to all three the truck schedule and how to best strategize to get some butt wipes: truck is 6 days a week, wednesday being the no truck day. when the truck arrives, usually what happens is that the paper products get stocked immediately, to make room in the back room and to alleviate the situations. be in the store at around 3ish? 3:30ish, and hang out. i explain that i don’t want to encourage anybody to spend their afternoon in the store for obvi reasons, but when you gotta go you gotta go. alternately, hang out in your car, and when you see a truck pull behind the store around mid day, chances are in about 30 mins you shall have paper. people appreciate the info. 

i’m in the candy aisle trying to stock a case of twizzlers. we’re using shopping carts to stock, it’s way more flexible than lugging around huge stocking carts, especially now with the store being so crowded. this dude rocks up and asks me if i’m panic hoarding with all those boxes in my cart. he looks at me with a straight face and thinks he’s making a point. meanwhile i’m in full uniform and people around are starting to roll their eyes. i drop the box of twizzlers into my cart (its super heavy and dude is creating a scene). my box cutter comes out and i make a show of clicking the blade out while explaining to douche canoodle that i’m working here, excuse me, and cut into the tape of the box. moron. 

there’s a few people that i’ve seen every day this week. and they’re all advanced in their age. i get that the store is your second home cause you’re lonely, but right now is really not the time. go home. 

the question i hate the most is: when are you gonna get more soap in. the honest answer? no fucking clue, Karen. if i could predict the future i wouldn’t be working here. 

thursday, 03.19.2020 10am - 6pm

there was no grocery truck last night so shelves are still as empty as they were when i left last night. still, parking lot is semi full. we’ve seem to have gotten a decent produce truck, bananas everywhere. great. my boss’s plan for me is to: whatever truck is back there, and then easter. which means i walk the back room, collect anything and everything that belongs to our department, and get it on the shelves. there’s nothing back there except a chocolate delivery which arrived on the dairy truck. a huge amount, by normal standards. at least people are still enjoying some candy. 

by 3pm it’s made the rounds that one of the guys for our dept isn’t coming in: allergies. okay then. truck is not too big, i help out with that until it’s time to hit the time clock. 

times are tough, and i’m a good-natured person that can dish out jokes and emphasize with you and cumbaja we’re all in this together and all the other bullshit we’re telling ourselves to make us feel better. but when dudebro comes down the soap aisle and bemoans the state of the shelves (empty) and then goes into a rant about his two parents, immunocompromised, at home, out of soap, almost getting loud and making it seem like its my fault that we don’t have what you want, then no. i’m all out of fucks to give. meanwhile, people of the free world, have you forgotten that hand washing soap does not only come in little pump bottles that you can cutsify your sink with but also LOOK AT ALL THE BARSOAP, back in the days we used that to wash our hands. calm down and take some irish spring to your parents. 

grocery truck arrives. big time. in the good ole days of yester year we would get one trailer daily, most of the time not even full. we’ve been ramping it up to 2 most of the last two weeks. (and by we i mean we as a society, buying everything on the shelves and not being satisfied and always wanting more).  today it was three. one of which with nothing but water. the others with lots of toilet roll and paper towels. and the usual stuff of canned goods and the likes. nothing will last tho, nothing is forever. 

we have this one guy who works here who has, i believe, severe arthritis and is hygiene wise very challenged. he isn’t very mobile and does super light duty but he’s worked here a long time. i haven’t seen him in a few days. i wonder if he is just off, or if he said fuck it and stayed home. 

the grown ass woman at the register is still coughing. and not covering her mouth. asswipe. 

saturday 03.21.2020 7am - 3pm 6pm

“when do you expect more hand sanitizer in?” 

i have no idea what you’re talking about, hand sanitizer was never a thing. lemme ask you this: is it berenstein bears where you come from? 

people still want to shop brand loyal. i die inside a little bit every time someone turns their nose up at an alternative to their regular, “oh but we don’t use that brand.” dude didn’t you just say you needed vitamin c? was that a lie? here’s the damn vitamin c. it’s vitamin c, not, i don’t know, fucking coca cola. go home.

corporate finally came down and said we’re allowed to wear ppe now. like some of us haven’t since three weeks ago. i finally turned and went all ‘two by two hands of blue’ as well, and it’s really not as bothersome as i thought it would be.  

weekends are now slower than weekdays. i have no idea why that is. and i’m not really sure if these past weekends have been slow, or just normal, and the weekdays are just crazy. i have lost all points of reference. it’s still busy. but is it the same busy it’s always been on a saturday and now we just have more checkers? 

the company is desperately trying to hire more people. i don’t know if the new vigorous ad campaign is working yet? it’s a job, sure, especially in these times, but the starting pay is still barely above minimum wage so in any case people will collect unemployment which could still be more than they’d make working here i’m just saying. 

the only real perk right now is that whoever works for a grocery store has first dibs on stuff. and if you believe we don’t have a “family and friends stash” in the back of all the items that are scarce then you don’t know how the world works. a friend of mine with health problems came to shop at our store today because we do have more stuff than what i’ve been hearing is going on in surrounding areas.  and i was able to give her two cans of disinfectant wipes. another friend asked me if we had any loo roll, and they just came by my place to pick it up, cash on arrival. 

we also extend (or well, i do extend) the stash to customers who always have been courteous. and believe me, after working in one location for a few years you know exactly who’s an asshole and who isn’t. we are essential, we are important, and we’ve been known that forever. we just never got treated like that. people are thankful that we’re working, that we’re doing our best (like if we could afford to just take two weeks off to self isolate, yeah right), and it’s good to finally walk the store with your head held high, to finally feel the appreciation. we are the kings of the toilet paper and it’s fucking fantastic. 

the store manager (or the company, i’m not sure) bought lunch today for everybody. and there might be a texas rule of no gatherings of more than 10 people, but y’all should’ve seen the break room today at noon. we they feasted (i took two slices and went out back to enjoy) thanks for lunch, boss. 

we still haven’t implemented “senior hours,” and i hate that. 

hygiene challenged dude is back at work. so he just had his two days off. 

monday 03.23.2020 12pm - 9pm

people keep insisting on shopping “normally” and it’s mind boggling. if you go to the store for 5 things or 50 things, it’s fine either way. but please make a list at home and roll with it. do not linger in aisles, do not pick up 3 different items and stand there to study the, i don’t know what the fuck, ingredients? country of origin? manufacturer? i have no earthly idea why you gotta look at a bottle of suave shampoo so intently and just. stay. there. reading it like its a new product on the market. go home.

people just waste so much freakin time in the store. they run into acquaintances and have to have a conversation right there when other customers have to walk around you. please stop, please please stop that. please. get in, get your stuff, and get out. if we dont have your fave available right now come back next week, it’s bound to be back unless it’s something like hand sanitizer or over the counter meds. please. go home.

the shopping pattern has changed. there’s all the action in the mornings now. tons of people, full parking lots, all in the morning. i understand it’s because people are under the impression everything gets restocked over night. which is half true. but whatever. i mean people shop all throughout the day and it’s still busy but the bulk is in the morning.

speaking of: senior hours finally!!! i’m stoked.

i feel like i’m getting fed up with customer questions so it’s usually short retorts and no eyes contact. one guy asked me where the aloe vera is and he asked very friendly and from a few feet away and i was sort of a dick to him. i felt bad immediately and rephrased my answer. yikes.

on the upside also, my work buddy was throwing water all day long. poor guy. he said something like 9 pallets of 24 packs. at one point they were replenishing a display and people grabbed water from the display instead of the pallet, and he was like, “you guys are killing me, man, please take it from the pallet and not the display. every pack you take from the pallet is a pack less i have to move.” a couple of dudes then took over stocking duty from him and threw the rest of the pallet to fill the display. how fucking nice. good eggs all around.

backroom looks like we got a crap ton of paper products. a crap ton. something like, i’m estimating, 12 pallets. so they’ve been staggering it throughout the afternoon but also kept lots in the back for senior hours tomorrow morning. it really looks like that part is getting almost back to normal. lmao fingers crossed.

no eggs tho, today. all gone.

hot shot trucks still show up in the afternoon with produce and meat. and other stores still come by to transfer stuff to their location.

company lunch today was from torchy’s taco. i abstained cause i had just eaten at home. but gatherings of 10 or more people had been had in the break room again. no idea if it was paid for by our company or if torchy’s was just getting rid of a bulk of their perishables.

some dude threw a fit about the limits on certain items. i think his beef was with water and how he’s seen someone take more than three. calm down, asshole.

tuesday 03.24.2020 10am - 5pm 

it’s slow in the store. dallas county has a shelter in place ordinance right now and it’s just a slow and steady trickle of customers. the weather also has turned from grey and misty, to sunshine and 80ies. i hate it. i want my grey and misty back. and because it’s nice outside there’s a lot of people on walks and bike rides. there’s a trail behind the store and when i step out back i see people all the times. still keeping their social distance but people non the less.

we’ve finally got our hands on one of the people from the agency that has provided us with help. our girl is super nice and friendly and she works hard. i hope we’ll get to keep her in our department for however long theyre working with us. altogether there’s about 15-20 people in the store from the agency. they’re tasked with sacking groceries, cleaning shopping carts, cleaning shelves and helping to stock. it’s wonderful. they get paid $13, which is more than what you make starting out in the store.

it almost felt like it wasn’t a covid day. after what the covidiot in the wh said on monday, i was a bit unsure if non essentials would reopen (especially since the mayor just shut dallas down). it was weird. it seemed like customers stayed away because a) they went back to work or b) it’s too nice to grocery shop. but that’s prob only my stupid brain making things up.

there were two incidents, both of which weren’t covid related but needed security: a dude tried to walk out with two cases of beer (theft is a thing that happens in our store a lot) but somehow he had half the store chasing after him. i was outside taking my break when all the sudden this guy comes towards me with beer in each hand. where i was, there was no exit away from the store unless you wanted to jump the fence. and he sure did. launched himself and the beer over it. they chased him off (no one touched him, i wanna add, and no one would touch him too, even if we weren’t in the current time),  but got their beer back. that was an adrenaline shock i didn’t need. the second one was a lady at the pharmacy not happy with the speed of the pharmacist and she got upset that her meds weren’t ready to be picked up. she made quite a scene with cursings and such so security was called. they are doing their best at the pharmacy but just like every other department they are swamped with prescriptions.  

it was super slow and i left an hour early. went home and ate and passed out for 12 hours.

wednesday 03.25.2020 7am - 3pm

it’s probs the first time i’m on the road this early on a weekday during the self isolation period. it’s quite busy on the highway. but still no real traffic.

store is still slow but steady. i see a few customers with big bascarts and shopping lists going about their business urgent like. on the inside i was applauding their readiness and their commitment for getting it done. thank you dear customers. buy a whole cart and get the heck outta dodge. *chefs kiss*

help girl from the agency is with me today. i like her more and more. she gets it all done. baby wipes are still off and on, some days we have them, sometimes we’re out. we found 3 small cases of hand soap in the back (6 bottles each) and they are gone quickly. i’m working through shippers/displays (we’ve finally got a smattering in) but most of it goes straight to the shelves. i’m able to make some sense to one of the half shampoo/half hersheys end caps, and my eye finally stops twitching from the weirdness.

grocery truck schedule has changed and now we’re getting them also on wednesdays (for the time being). one trailer of toilet roll and paper towels, and one of canned goods and boxes and pantry stuffs. and maybe some lysol but who knows.

it’s still sunny and 80ies out, so more runners and bikers on the trail behind the store. still social distancing tho.

the news said someone from a grocery store of another chain was diagnosed. and then through the grapevine i heard that someone from our chain (not our store) also got diagnosed and is in the hospital. wash your hands. get in, get your stuff, and get out. stay safe out there.

friday 03.27.2020 9am - 5pm

there’s this lady in the store, little old lady, just wandering and shopping and whatnot for, i kid you not, 2 hours. what in the world? she’s wearing a mask, kinda like a “let me put this mask on cause i’m sanding something in the garage” you know that kind of mask. but it’s only covering her mouth? what is she doing. where is your family? do they know where you are and what you’re up to. seriously someone come get their auntie.

there’s stickers all over the floor by the registers “PLEASE WAIT HERE” reminding people to stay the heck away from each other. it’s working sometimes. people are patient.

this one lady asks me if we have this, and shows me her phone with a pic of the item like she is seriously standing 6 feet away stretching her arm as far as it’ll go. i appreciate it. she insists that the app tells her it’s in stock here. i ran out of ways to explain that the app doesnt keep up with inventory, only states that we carry it, not whether we actually have it in stock. it’s a surface disinfectant. we dont have it in stock.

rando people say their thanks that we’re working, that they appreciate it, thank you thank you. i have yet to learn how to respond to that. “youre welcome?” “oh sure!” “no problem” nothing feels right. me and my co workers all wish we could work from home, or take a few weeks off, without losing our jobs and benefits. it’s weird. how do you respond to that?

we’ve managed to stay in stock on toilet tissue all day long. one brand, one size, mind you. but! all day long! yes, toilet paper, on aisle 18!!!!

sales have leveled. business is returning to normal.

saturday 03.28.2020 7am - 3 pm

some lady lost her cool today and in her frustration she dead ass kicked over a display of gum. lmao, yikes.

every morning we have a little meeting in the store for all the department heads, or if they’re off, for whoever plays department head for that day. on saturdays that’s me. we call them huddles, although now we can’t call them that anymore because huddle doesn’t really scream social distancing. so now they’ll call it morning communication.

while walking the store today i found, get this, a bottle of purell. it was hidden behind other product. i immediately checked my surroundings (no one there) and then went and hid it in the back room. my immuno challenged friend had asked me for some for a while.

really nothing else going on. it was quiet in the morning and then a storm blew through, and then it was just gorgeous out. so the store got busier and busier. our truck was scheduled to be quite big, but it was late and i wasn’t gonna just hang around until who knows when.

monday 03.30.2020 2pm - 10pm

the break room is completely empty of chairs and tables. that’s new. just last week everyone crowded in, employees and management alike, whenever there was free lunch. and even tho one tells them, or points out that, hey, this is a bit more than technically should be in a closed space like this? all one gets back is, oh hahaha, yeah you’re probably right, but nothing changed. so now the break room is empty. only, i dont know, everyone here works on their feet, either standing (poor checkers) or standing and walking. for up to eight hours. there’s gonna be some people who will just have to sit down for 30 mins during their breaks. this was a company wide, or district wide decision, this wasn’t something our management came up with. and here’s the thing. admittedly, some higher ups in our company are seriously not the sharpest tacks in the box. and i’m not saying that you have to have a degree to make certain decisions, but it helps if you have some sort of,  i don’t know, compassion, deductive reasoning, two brain cells to rub together. i, personally, will hardly be found in the break room, i don’t use it. but it’s absolutely clear to me that taking away the opportunity to let people rest is a recipe for disaster.

tuesday, 03.31.2020 2pm - 10pm

so, the owner of the dallas mavericks (basket ball) donated hand sanitizers to our company, for use of company employees. which, thanks, Mark, that was super sweet of you. no really. IF I SEE ONE CO WORKER USE THIS INSTEAD OF WASHING THEIR HANDS I WILL NOT BE MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS. wash your god damned hands people. hand sanitizer will never be able to do what soap and water can do. why is that such a big problem to understand.

the break room has a couple of chairs and tables in it now, and a sign on the door that reads “6 people limit, 6 feet apart.” yikes.

its the end of the month and people got paid so the store is getting busier. tomorrow is the first and i’m sure we’ll be packed. please take the following to heart: SHOP ALONE. don’t bring your wifey or hubby or roommate or kids. ok bring your kids if you have no one to watch them. do not use the grocery store as your family outing cause its the only spot you think youre allowed to go. it’s not. youre allowed to go for walks, in front of your house, in your neighborhood, heck, walk a circle around the store if you want, but don’t bring everybody into the store. social distancing is easier achieved if there’s less people to stay away from. be smart, think ahead. and if you think that shopping with two people makes it go faster? it’s not. cause you’re gonna argue over the choices made, you’re gonna veto your shopping buddies choice of beans and your gonna walk every aisle twice instead of once. and there will be more people touching more things and i could really do with less of that.

wednesday 04.01.2020 11am - 7pm

there’s a distillery in kansas who has converted their production to make hand sanitizer (or sanitizer in general) and we have received a shipment of, i think, two pallets. the fun part? they are the size and shape of vodka bottles.

they’re selling for $8 and we put a limit of 1 per family. they look super neat. it’s a plastic bottle, too. i don’t use hand sanitizer and i dont need it and there are people who need these i guess but i want one so badly. just as a, you know, reminder, a token, of these crazy times. i’m not gonna get one (but i kinda want one).

they have finally installed screens at the registers. and new rules came down from corporate: social distancing is the highest priority, hygiene is the highest priority. we are only going to operate 3 (out of 6) registers so that we can ensure that there’s enough space for everyone to feel safe. i have also spent 2 hours today thinning out displays that are cluttering up the sales floor so that we can encourage everyone to keep apart.

starting tomorrow, every employee will get their temp taken when they arrive to work. if the temp is too high you will be sent home (but paid for that day) and only be let back in to work if your temp stays normal for 72 hours without the help of meds.

pay has been increased by $2/h.

friday 04.03.2020 9am - 5pm

face masks everywhere.

like 80% of everybody started donning masks, scarves and homemade things to cover their lower face. face masks are a stark reminder that everyone should keep apart. it’s like an extra “hey, remember how we’re all potentially sick with something deadly? stay away.” i appreciate the effect it has.

there are about 5 different announcements over the PA, one about washing your hands and sneezing/coughing into your elbows, one about senior hours (which have changed now to tue, thu and sat morning), one about social distancing (about the length of two shopping carts!), one about “we’re all in this together” and one about us employees and how we’re doing so much more than our job right now.

ive stopped greeting customers. i smile maybe, since it’s something so ingrained into our brain, but i won’t speak unnecessarily.

the store is absolutely packed. the suggestion of staying away until the 3rd or the 4th that ive seen all over the internets seems to have cottoned on and now we’re slammed. with only 3 registers open now (to keep room between registers) the lines are down the aisles. one of the guys on the registers told me he loved it. it’s waaay less crowding around the registers, safer for the workers).

we have two entrances (the main one and a smaller one) and they closed the smaller one because it’s very tight there and doesn’t really work with trying to stay away from each other. it’s not locked, it’s just closed. no idea about the fire marshall code, but i have worked in bigger stores with only one main entrance so maybe it’s not part of any code.

i saw a woman with a vegas golden knights shirt and i miss hockey.

saturday 04.04.2020 7am - 5:30pm

my first day during senior hours, and admittedly we’ve only recently changed that but there are tons of people in the store and not a lot of seniors. but what do i know they all could be immunocompromised.

in our morning huddle communications meeting the store manager is spitting out a lot of numbers and percentiles and such, basically sales are still through the roof, even with the slower week we’ve had. it’s funny how there’s really no reference point anymore. forecasts and budgets have all been altered due to the situation but even those are still behind. the agency people aren’t with us anymore (since sunday) and i can see maybe 2 new people - but i’m not a reliable source for that because i don’t inter-mingle with other departments that much so i dont even know the regulars so i have no clue who is new. but we’re still running on basically the same people we’ve always had with this increased business.

aceotone is the new toilet paper. cant find it on the shelves, the warehouse is out and people are constantly asking for it. this one guy had me in stitches. he was shopping for the fam and had a list from his wife and you know, acetone, cuticle cream all the stuff you need to take care of your nails after you rip off the fake ones. i used to get my nails done so i gave him advice as best i could  and pointed to some products, but no acetone. about five minutes later she finds me on the same aisle again and shows me a can of paint stripper with the word acetone in huge letters on it. i died. i told him that if his wife used that they are about to have a whole other set of problems. we both laughed. he had a great sense of humor. now go home, dude.

the side door that was closed on friday is open again. not surprised.

we are getting absolutely slammed with business. it’s a mad house. you can always tell when people start to park their cars on the fire lanes around the store. there’s just no more parking.

i do see a lot of single shoppers tho, which is so great. and then you got the families just sticking out like sore thumbs. and young college kids usually shop in threes or fours. but everybody is still taking way too much time. there was an article i read on local grocers and how some already reduced the people inside the stores and how every business is going to follow suit so we will see.

we ran out of eggs. and biscuits.  and no significant numbers of paper products all week.

monday 04.06.2020 2pm - 10pm

fuck these customers, man

wednesday 04.08.2020 7am - 3pm

my company will not limit the customer count in the store. at least not in this state. when the whole thing started there was an email about store hours and they listed basically every division of our company and their changed hours - except, you guessed it, ours. i have a feeling they are going off of what other companies are doing around here, so unless theyre limiting people, we won’t. that’s my opinion. after work i realized i forgot butter and swung by a store (from a different company) close to home and they havent limited entrance either. they did have markings on the floor to encourage one way traffic down aisles, and i guess we’re gonna do that too. but nothing else. i did see smaller chains have started to limit people but not companies we’re competing with. so much for that. i guess first we need to have a few positive cases in order for them to change anything. the dollar speaks volumes, eh?

i saw this article a few days ago and i keep thinking about it. it basically sums up everything that’s going through all our minds every day. (i have no idea who this website is, i saw it and i read it and it spoke to me so dont come at me if it’s something weird - i just wanted to provide a source)

I manage a grocery store.

Here’s some things everyone should know

1. I don’t have toilet paper 2. I don’t have sanitizer 3. I run out of milk, eggs and meat daily 4. I promise if it’s out on the shelf … it’s not in a hidden corner of our backroom.

Those are the predictable ones, now for the real stuff

5. I have been doing this for 25 years I did not forget how to order product. 6. I did not cause the warehouse to be out of product/ 7. I schedule as much help as I have, including many workers working TONS of overtime to help YOU. 8. I am sorry there are lines at the check out lanes.

Now for the really important stuff:

9. My team puts themselves in harm’s way every day so you can buy groceries. 10. My team works tirelessly to get product on the floor for you to buy. 11. My team is exhausted. 12. My team is scared of getting sick. 13. My team is human and does not possess an antivirus… they are in just as much danger as you are. (Arguably more) but they show up to work every day just so you can buy groceries 14. My team is tired. 15. My team is very under-appreciated. 16. My team is exposed to more people who are potentially infected in one hour than most of you will in a week (medical community excluded, thank you for all that you do!). 17. My team is abused all day by customers who have no idea how ignorant they are. 18. My team disinfects every surface possible, everyday, just so you can come in grab a wipe from the dispenser, wipe the handle and throw the used wipe in the cart or on the ground and leave it there… so my team can throw it in the trash for you later. 19. My team wonders if you wash your re-usable bags, that you force us to touch, that are clearly dirty and have more germs on them than our shopping carts do. 20. My team more than earns their breaks, lunches and days off. And if that means you wait longer I am sorry.

The last thing I will say is this:

The next time you are in a grocery store, please pause and think about what you are saying and how you are treating the people you encounter. They are the reason you are able to buy toilet paper, sanitizer, milk, eggs, and meat.

If the store you go to is out of an item.. maybe find the neighbor or friend that bought enough for a year … there are hundreds of them… and ask them to spare 1 or 2. They caused the problem to begin with…

And lastly, please THANK the people who helped you. They don’t have to come to work!

#i dont know how to tag it i hate to tag it covid #i think it's gonna be #life in these pandemic times #thanks stumblingoverchaos

[svtntntn]

jukebox!!

greaser!seokmin x waitress!you

THE PERFECT GIF

inspo: seokmin during booseoksoon's 'just do it' and call call call promos

seokmin studies at the diner on the corner of the street, ordering a single milkshake everyday he’s there and choosing his favorite song from the jukebox

tbh, lee seokmin shouldn't even be in the SVT gang to begin with

he fell into it by accident bc he was jeonghan's assigned mentee from a mentorship program at school and jeonghan called him as a last resort when he and joshua needed help with something

so he did so, and when seungcheol offered him a spot in SVT, he accepted it bc he's loyal and devoted to his mentor and friends, no matter what trouble they're causing

bc now they're in it together!

SVT are the greasers that run the eastern part of town, organizing bike races, causing mayhem and chaos, basically acting as delinquents in school and in town

it's kinda a surprise to everyone at school that seokmin's a part of SVT, but with SVT second-in-command yoon jeonghan as his assigned mentor and his friends being in SVT as well, it was only a matter of time

seokmin's typically tagging stuff with hansol and soonyoung or riding his bike into the school parking lot with mingyu and minghao

he's tried to study with the rest of the guys before their meetings but they're all so loud and rambunctious that he needs his own study space

after classes, seokmin frequents this one specific diner near the eastern/western border of the town for one thing and one thing only: strawberry milkshakes

he gets his favorite strawberry milkshake with the perfect dollop of whipped cream and a shiny red cherry on top while he studies in a corner booth right next to the jukebox, where he can easily slip in a quarter into the machine and request his favorite songs to hum as he does his homework

the diner's patrons love love love hearing him sing as he re-writes his chem notes, his own high notes reaching every corner of the diner till he's met with a small chorus of applause

it's not until afterwards when they notice the back of his leather jacket do their breaths hitch and the whispers start circulating around the room

you don't really know why that happens tho

you just notice no matter what, the man who always orders the same strawberry milkshake everyday wears his leather jacket with pride everyday

you’ve been working at the diner for awhile now, since you just moved into town with your family

and your eyes always catch the handsome man sitting by his lonesome in the same booth by the jukebox

and you want to say something to him, but nothing comes to mind when you stop by his table except, "enjoy your milkshake" and he gives you a small smile and a grateful "thank you" back

your co-worker seungkwan always tries to hype you up to get you to say anything to seokmin

bc he's in seokmin's choir class and knows that he's a super sweet guy who would like you back

so bc you're not very good at articulating your words, you decide to write on the back of his receipt instead

you decide write something simple: 'you have a beautiful voice:) -(y/n)'

you give seokmin his receipt after he pays and he thanks you, pocketing the scrap of paper and exiting the diner with his backpack

when you walk back to seungkwan, he just scolds for you being too subtle whilst saying you have to do something bold and get his attention

but you're not all into being bold and brash (hahahaha) so you brush off your crush as just being that: a harmless crush

it's not until seokmin's at home and he's emptying his jacket pockets does he notice your note

he saves it in his notebook and it definitely sets his mood for the entire day:)

when he ventures over to the diner the next day, he recognizes you standing at the jukebox with a quarter in your hands

you're perusing the jukebox's library when someone taps your shoulder, scaring you and making you drop the coin

"sorry!" seokmin drops down and gets the coin for you, handing it back to you

he glances at the catalogue set on the very last page, "hard time choosing a song?"

you nod, "especially since I have never heard of most of these"

"you've never?" seokmin's surprised, but he smiles warmly at you, "I guess we're gonna have to fix that!"

he fishes around in his backpack and pulls out a little coin purse, entering his own quarters in the machine and pressing in combination after combination for several songs, "these first few are my personal favorite, then I'm just setting the jukebox to play other tracks I like"

you nod and you ask him what song to use your quarter for, "save it for when you find a song you really like" 

he slides into his usual booth and you pocket the quarter, choosing to take his advice

"so, just a strawberry milkshake then?" you ask him expectantly, shooting him a wide smile

"yes please" seokmin nods as he pulls out his notebook and study material

you put in his order and wait on other tables, helping an elderly couple two booths down and a rowdy bunch of guys seokmin recognizes from another school at a table near his own

the group of rowdy guys continue to shout above the music from the jukebox, jeering at each other and catcalling at you when you walk by

you try to your hardest to be polite and tell them to keep it down as to not disrupt the other diners, but they brush off your warnings 

and seokmin's just trying to study and listen to the music, especially since he wanted to you to listen to the songs he loves too but he can clearly see that the boys are making you v uncomfortable

so he goes up to the table and asks them to either keep it down and stop catcalling you or apologize to everyone and leave the diner asap

seokmin pulls all his moves from when he's seen seungcheol and jihoon act intimidating to other rude ppl when they're out and about

he also makes sure to take his time walking back to his own table, letting the boys stare in shock at the SVT initials on the back of his jacket

needless to say, the boys pay their bill and leave right when you come back from the kitchen with seokmin's milkshake, all the boys bowing to you in apology and cowering from seokmin's glare

when you appear at his table, his glare melts into a cheerful smile, "thank you (y/n)!"

you then help the elderly couple at their booth, who both have been watching everything go down, "excuse me miss, can I pay for that boy's milkshake? tell him that the world needs more people like him" the old man smiles

you nod to him, "sure, let me fix your bill for you" 

on the couple's way out, the elderly man tips his hat at seokmin, who gives him a bright smile but is terribly confused on the inside

when you venture back to seokmin, he's ready to pay for his bill when you show him the paid receipt and relay him the man’s message to him, "they said that the world needs more people like you"

the message clicks in seokmin's head and he looks down at his notebook modestly, "oh"

and of course, you've already caught on to what the old man meant, "thank you for helping me deal with those boys"

he immediately shakes his head, "oh! no no no, it's no big deal! you just looked uncomfortable and they were being jerks to you and—"

"no, it really means a lot to me, thank you..." you assure your gratitude to him with a kind smile and you pause for his name

and now seokmin's just staring at you bc wow your smile is really beautiful and the sunlight from the blinds make your hair shine and your eyes sparkle and wait, were you asking for his name? shoot—"oh! sorry, I'm seokmin!"

"I'm (y/n), nice to meet you" 

a light bulb goes off in his head, "(y/n)! you wrote me that note!" he pulls out the receipt from his notebook and you blush now

"I did write that, yes"

"I'm sure you have a beautiful voice too" you shake your head no, but seokmin disagrees with you, "you do! just listening to you right now, I can tell you have a beautiful voice, are you sure you're not an angel?"

okay, that was something he definitely learned from his mentor jeonghan and now you're DEFINITELY flushed

you don't know what to do at this point but you hear the jukebox stop playing music, "ah, the jukebox! it stopped! I-I should play something!"

seokmin chuckles at you and helps you choose more songs to play, using his own money again and packing up his things

"I'll see you tomorrow, (y/n)?"

you smile at him, "with one strawberry milkshake ready for you"

seokmin's on cloud nine the rest of his night

even when he's out with hansol and joshua tagging buildings and whatnot, all he can do is draw little hearts as you cross his mind

as the next couple of days roll by, you've developed a love for a lot of the songs on the jukebox

specifically all of the songs that seokmin recommends

and all the love songssss;)

seungkwan notices the little skip in your step as you wait on tables while the same five songs from the jukebox play

he nudges your elbow as he punches in another receipt on the register when you're next to him, "you're staring at the door again"

 you straighten up next to him, trying to find something to fuss with instead of staring at the entrance for seokmin to come in, "am not"

"you are too, and I'm getting tired of the same songs playing, would it kill you to change it up? I get that they're all seokmin's favorites, but he's not here right now"

"fineeee"

when seokmin does come in, seungkwan tries to joking go to his table to serve him, but you race over instead

seokmin's order is still the same and you try to stop by his table as much as you can without getting in trouble or neglecting other customers

he always sings out loud to the songs you've tuned on the jukebox and it brings such a smile to your face to hear him sing

gosh you love his voice

you both bond over music really well and when the diner's empty and it's just you and seokmin (and seungkwan occasionally), you all sing out loud and dance around the diner

you always write on the back of seokmin's receipts still, trying to make the note different each time 

'how much does a polar bear weigh? enough to break the ice! I hope this makes you smile! -(y/n)'

'the ladies at the counter are talking about how handsome you are, and I have to agree ahaha -(y/n)'

'you sing everything so well, how!! -(y/n)'

'have you ever tried anything different at this diner? hahah -(y/n)'

'these milkshakes are as sweet as you -(y/n)'

gosh, who is the actual greaser? him or you?? who knows ahah

seokmin saves all of these receipts in his notebook and they've become one of his most treasured items

his small crush on you during the beginning of your relationship has developed into a major major crush on you

and your so-called harmless crush has snowballed into you liking seokmin so much you can’t get him out of your head

and bc you’re way more confident on paper than in person, you decide to ask him out through your receipt notes!

that same day, you deliver your receipt to seokmin just as one of the members from SVT rushes past you and grabs his arm

seokmin is surprised to see chan at the diner, but all he mutters is "emergency meeting!" and he packs up his papers, stuffing your receipt in his notebook quickly

"sorry (y/n)!" he waves to you and leaves abruptly with his friend, making you slightly worried, but seungkwan assures you it's probably nothing serious

and honestly, it is nothing bc mingyu and wonwoo got into a fight with some guys of the west side gangs, but they're all well-rounded fighters so no major injuries occurred

but now there's a bike race going on between them and the other gang

"seokmin, are you listening?" seungcheol asks him, waving his hand in front of his zoned out state

"yes! I'm listening!" seokmin tunes back in and seungcheol continues on, "does anyone have a piece of paper I can borrow?"

seokmin pulls out his notebook and doesn't even notice your most recent note fall out, tearing out a clean sheet for seungcheol and stuffing his notebook back in his backpack

for awhile, seokmin doesn't return to the diner bc of the preparations for the race, making you even more worried that your note scared him off or made things awkward between you two

but when he does come back, everything is in perfect harmony like it was before, making you think he did read your note, but he obviously turned you down

so you try to move past it as best as you can, but you're still sad on the inside, which seokmin can kinda tell just by looking into your eyes

seokmin is super surprised to see his mentor sitting in his usual booth when he enters the diner, "jeonghan! what are you doing here?"

"just wanted to see where you get away to everyday before our meetings" jeonghan fusses with a toothpick, "why do you come here everyday?"

"I study here, that's it" seokmin answers, "I come here for the peace and quiet"

jeonghan raises an eyebrow at the words 'peace and quiet,' wordlessly pointing out the noisy jukebox next to him belting another song (his favorite song actually) and the sizzle and hissing of the grill behind the kitchen, while seungkwan and you take the orders of other customers in the diner with such vibrancy and pep

"okay, I come for the milkshakes"

"hi seokmin, your usual" seokmin beams a smile at you as his milkshake is set down on the table

"thank you (y/n)" his eyes trail after you as you go to other tables, jeonghan clearing his throat with a obvious cough, "so you come here for that cute waitress?"

"(y/n) is just a friend"

"do you like her?"

seokmin ponders it for a moment before a smile spreads on his face, he can’t lie to his mentor, his older brother figure, "yes, yes I do like her"

"do you think she likes you?" seokmin shakes his head, mumbling a "no" before changing it to an unconfident "maybe?"

"seokmin, she definitely likes you" jeonghan plucks the cherry off the whipped cream and into his mouth 

seokmin frowns and pulls his shake closer to him protectively

"no other waitress writes little notes on the back of receipts for you. I saw all the receipts in your notebook, they're cute and affectionate love notes" jeonghan flicks the small piece of paper towards him, "you probably didn’t even read the back of this receipt" 

seokmin reads the note from you asking him out and his mouth forms the shape of an 'O' 

'seokmin, would you like to go out on a date? possibly, tomorrow night? if not, that's okay! you can ignore this and I'll forget I even wrote this! -(y/n)'

"don’t come to the meeting tonight" jeonghan removes the cherry stem (a perfectly knotted stem) from his mouth, "I'll tell seungcheol you're studying for an exam"

he claps seokmin on the shoulder and exits the diner as you go over to seokmin and ask if he's alright bc this boy is still in disbelief

"yES! uh, yes! I'm alright!" seokmin clears his throat, "(y/n)! will you go out with me tonight?"

"huh? yes, of course, is something happening?" 

the bells go off in seokmin’s head as he grins madly, "perfect! meet me outside the diner at 7! what you’re wearing is fine!" he rushes out the door and now you’re the one in shock and disbelief

by the time 7pm rolls around, the sun is setting and you’re kinda getting cold just standing outside for seokmin to arrive

and without avail, the man of your dreams the hour rolls into the parking lot on his bike, taking off his helmet (safety first!) and offering you a helping hand on his bike

you climb aboard and hold on to seokmin tightly as he brings you to the more abandoned part of town, where there’s plenty of tagged buildings and such

seokmin pulls up to one particular building and covers your eyes as you get off the bike, "I obviously sing better than I draw, but ta da!"

and on the side of the building is a picture of what looks to be the outside of the diner? complete with a little ‘open’ sign and everything??

he guides you along to another wall where he painted a fake jukebox and his fake corner booth complete with a milkshake on the table but with two straws in the shake

and there below the faux jukebox is a picnic set for two ppl with candles set up on the concrete and a small stereo with your favorite songs playing

"I wanted to stay inside the diner, but you must get tired of being there everyday so, I re-created it here! it’s not exactly the same—I mean this might be illegal? and the paint is still kinda fresh—but it’s drying and I tried fixing us up something but it’s not exactly perfect—"

you laugh as seokmin rambles on, "seokmin, this is wonderful!" your heart is racing bc my goshhh it’s like a scene from a film! "no one’s ever gone through the trouble of doing all of this for me, thank you"

seokmin grins and you two eat the picnic dinner with all the romantic songs playing in the background, eventually laying down on the blanket together and staring up at the stars

you start singing along to the music and seokmin nearly falls asleep bc your voice is so soothing

a small snore escapes his lips and you nudge him bc you think you’re boring him with your singing

"just the opposite, told you you had the voice of an angel, angel" he winks just as you roll your eyes

he shrugs off his jacket and put it on your shoulders as you shiver, making you drown in his warmth and smell of his cologne

when seokmin takes you back home, he wraps his hand in yours and lingers on your doorstep for the longest time

he pouts as you try to pull away from him even when you don’t want to, "do you really have to go back to heaven?"

"still with the angel stuff?"

"baby, you are my angel"

ending notes: lee seokmin always goes to the diner for the milkshakes, but stays for you and your angelic voice (even if you don’t think so)

<3

#Seventeen #seokmin scenarios #lee seokmin scenarios #seventeen au #seventeen scenarios #dokyeom scenarios #seventeen imagines #lee seokmin imagines #seokmin au #dokyeom au #seokmin fluff #dokyeom imagines #my work #gosh I hope the ending is okay #gosh I hope there's no typos or anything #I've been so busy and had so much writer's block

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #7 (plus some small but heartening accomplishments and a few other little frustrations)

Hmm... hmm... it’s hard to say how I’m feeling right now, a strange cocktail of refreshing see sawing determination with a little kick of spicy proudness mingled in with the usual bitterness of overhanging doubt and the chill of all those nerve-wracking fears. Tastes pretty terrible, probably an acquired taste, but unique non the less. I’m no expert at all, but I’ll give it a generous 2.3 stars overall.

Last week was... it was not so bad actually (or maybe that’s just cause I’ve forgotten a lot of it already lol). I pushed myself to try harder to do some of the things my counsellor wanted me to do, what I myself wanted to do and le gasp, it happened..! I guess her hard talk really did stir something good in me after all. To put it real brief right here for now, I went out a lot more than I usually would (just mundane stuff like shopping and supermarkets tho) and I did the phone orders thing!!!1! Not once but multiple times over three days! Yaaay! But this week I need to continue it and even one up it... boooo-- uh, I mean go me!! @w@

There were times I totally copped out though and it feels bad man as usual, but I at least tried and I was able to prove some of my presumptions and preconceived thoughts mostly wrong! It’s something! It’s a big step, an accomplishment for me, don’t downplay it silly me! *pats self on back and proceeds to go in hiding again- no no!* This week is already feeling a little bleak but I just have to toast it up a little, let myself get cosy in this newer environment by just being there and exposing myself to it more. C’mon, I can do it! ^^

Okay onto the actual counselling session, which was yesterday. I literally only just made it on time, phew haha. I was a little anxious going up to the room cause there were some other people around in the corridor but w/e no1currs really and that goes for every other situation everywhere else. When you’re absorbed and focused in what you’re doing like other people are and not constantly looking around and assuming people give a damn (which they don’t) then it’s all good!

Um, anyways she did the typical ‘how are you/have you been’ and I gave her my weekly self scoring sheet but also I told her I forgot to give her that self esteem sheet and presented that too. I told her of my achievements last week and she congratulated me, told me I needed to pat myself on the back more and that she’s glad last week actually helped get me off my butt (she said she felt kinda bad about it too, but not so much now that she saw it had a good effect kind of thing too ^^). I agree last week did help, though I definitely wouldn’t wanna go through that again though lol.

We went over the cycle from before real briefly just as a reminder that actually doing things is the best way to break it and to progress and I have this homework sheet consisting of a table with columns for my preconceived thoughts of a situation (which I am to score with a percentage I believe it), my emotions and feelings that arise, and my uhh re-scores and feelings after actually facing and going through the situation. I haven’t actually looked at the sheet since yesterday so I totally winged the explanation just then lol but it’s about linking thoughts and emotions and that’s pretty much the gist of it. I’m kinda nervous about filling it in and I’m leaving it to the end of the week to do it, which is bad, but I’ll at least know what to put in it better by then hopefully.

We went over some of the things I wrote on the self esteem sheet, some of my examples for the unhelpful negative behaviours and we discussed them for a while but only got through a few. She said she’d go over the other ones next time, we agreed I should continue to do what I did last week but maybe try even harder. (There’s lots of small details in the discussions which I can’t remember properly or can’t place in the right time slot rn oh welp ><”)

Then the session ended there (15 mins early) idk why though. But now that I think about it, maybe there was nothing else left to say or not much plan or other things needed to discuss in particular for the last 3 sessions so maybe just try and stretch what content we have on hand to discuss kind of thing? Or maybe she needed to go somewhere like the toilet? lol who knows xD 

I was feeling the session felt pretty short (my explanation also), but wasn’t all that bothered about it tbh, I’m not paying for it or anything and it gave me a little time to do other stuff before meeting with my sis. I plucked up the courage to go to a shop on my own again, I had a few things in mind that I actually wanted to look for which like the counsellor has said before will make it easier to motivate and immerse myself into doing things. I think I might write about this experience on the feelings-thoughts sheet. 

So, I went in, a little uneasy at first, but not as much as if it would have been a place I’ve never stepped foot into before. I perused at my leisure and tried my hardest not to be overly conscious of other people around, which I noted to myself do actually going about their own stuff and don’t pay you any mind at all which lessened the nerves a lot. I found some things I wanted, and this was another relief as I always get that niggling feeling that if I leave without buying they’ll think I stole something (but looking around the internets randomly, I came to know that this is a super common feeling which is comforting and I shouldn’t worry about it too much because so what if I didn’t buy anything, I just couldn’t find anything I wanted and that is totally fine!).

Partway in the last leg of my perusing, my sis phoned me and told me to hurry up and all that stuff and it kinda made me feel real antsy. I continued looking though at a slightly faster pace but she ended up calling outside and told me to hurry up even more and was waiting for me outside so I cut my browsing short and hurried to pay and felt pretty down about it. When paying I queued up behind a group of guys and felt self-conscious but well, they no care really and I got over it and ignored the thought. 

I went to the self serve till (the only kind open, so I wasn’t avoiding or anything) and proceeded to pay and I’m so glad I know how to use them as we use them most of the time my sis goes to the supermarket with me lol but I still was feeling pretty self-conscious and the ‘unexpected item in bagging area’ still gives me nerves and it happened twice to me but the assistant came over and fixed it straight away without me saying anything (which was a relief because I was feeling a little cowardly by then, but I would’ve been a little prouder of myself for actually asking).

I went with my sis to some other shops after that, I voiced that she was being quite mean on the phone and later she apologised, she was in a pretty bad mood in general and also the car park time wasn’t much and most of the bad feeling was dissolved. We then went to some other other shops with my mum in addition and I went off on my own to peruse which was nice though I couldn’t find anything I wanted, but it’s best not to waste monies on things I don’t need anyways. I got kind of sickly on the way home which wasn’t great but the general day was pretty alright.

There was somewhere else I wanted to go and me and my sis planned to go soon after but it was delayed and later I just kind of chickened out and took a nap instead :/ I was really tired and still sickly feeling though. I hope to get this sorted out this week still though, maybe I’ll tag along with my parents this time round, it’ll be okay! ^^

I also went to see a specialist doctor, I got a phone call for the appointment two days before the actual day (probably someone else cancelled) and I took it. I could’ve said no and waited even longer, but I didn’t, because health is important and should be dealt with asap! I wish I could bring myself to apply this to some of my other worries, but I’ll get there. Anyways it went alright, the typical general treatment route, but at least it’s something, now I’m waiting on my regular doc for the next steps. 

The kind of funny thing is though (in reference to my last post or maybe the one before it), is that I have been recommended to take anti-depressants (BUT not for depression) they happen to help with migraines and oversensitivity which affects me all the time pretty much. A lot of medicines help with other conditions they were not primarily made for, I only realised this in the recent years lol. I’m a little wary and I’m hoping that it’ll help, maybe even kill two birds with one stone, but if it doesn’t then oh welp and onto the next thing they recommend. I want to get better every way I can and there’s no harm trying (except maybe side effects ugh) it’s just the stigma thing again, it’s... complicated .__. But it’ll be okay!

In terms of my own art and online dabblings, I actually spent two of the days I did phone orders doodling and editing stuff a little. I wasn’t really going to draw anything seriously but my non serious doodle started off pretty alright and I continued it and finished it, which I kind of felt proud of as usually I start things and never finish them because I get scared to mess it up or think it’s not good enough. It has its flaws of course, I’m such a nit picky person and I know I need to improve, but looking past these things, I really like what I did and am glad I persevered and completed it.

I also tried posting something online, not on here, but I actually did it for once at least! It was nothing amazing, in fact it was really really lame, just a scrawl from another time but I still like it and that’s all that matters, right? Right! I was really struggling over what to write in the descriptions (much like how I spend ages agonising over writing comments) and still keep feeling iffy about what I wrote but it’s actually all fine, so I should stop worrying about it! Hear that silly me? Don’t fret and don’t regret, it’s fine so keep going! :D

Some people (very few) even liked my picture and one person even commented some thumbs up emojis. It’s really nice of them ;w; I don’t think they were bots and I looked at their pages too. The person that commented has a page full of beautiful art and idk I just felt like omg ahhhh they’re so much more amazing then me and super intimidated and wasn’t sure what to do about the comment and still haven’t done anything and it’s been a few days .__.

They probably like loads of peoples stuff though, and also there’s no obligation to have to like their stuff back (though I have a feeling that’s probably why they liked my awful doodle in the first place, to draw attention to their own page, but I shouldn’t assume, that’s bad, maybe they really thought my doodle was okay and kindly wanted to encourage, who knows). I think maybe I’ll like the comment at least, I don’t want to be rude >< I’m just scared that if I do go and like their stuff, I’ll feel obligated to always do it kind of thing, I’m still just so scared of interacting with people (also this person doesn’t speak english it seems and language barriers are my death, but this person didn’t mind it, so uh uh wait I’m being such a baby again ;____;)

I’m seriously overthinking things way too much again!! I get this feeling when I think of people that may have taken their time to read my posts or even the few people that have liked a post or two. I’m seriously very very grateful and would hug you if I could but I don’t know what to do from then and it just keeps swirling and nagging me inside and I’m so sorry >< Overthinking and social awkwardness will surely be the death of me. I need to stop all the uncertainty and what ifs and silly assumptions and just do what I feel! Why is it so hard..? ;^;

I actually got so scared I didn’t post the next small doodle I wanted to, but I need to get over it and just get it done and continue and post the things I’ve really really been wanting to post for months. No one actually cares about all the silly things I think they do, I can’t read minds and I can’t go one thinking that I can. The same for just people in general irl. I was actually a little proud that I was so self-conscious out in public as much recently, that I noticed people are too busy in their own world and that I’m silly for thinking they would expend the brain energy to linger on me negatively. Another mantra sort of thing I’ve been thinking is ‘IDGAF (and no one else does)’ lolol for reals, but it seems to be pretty effective so imma keep it! :>

Losing motivation and becoming disheartened is so easy. I’m going to continue small and simple and build up from there in every aspect and it’ll get easier and I’m gonna keep my grip real tight on that motivation and determination and soak in all my accomplishments no matter how small or insignificant they seem and convert them into even more positive energy! Imma do things!! Imma do lots of things and not get mad at myself even if I don’t manage to do some of them! Baby steps is the way to go! c:

Like always I get a bit apprehensive when writing these or even thinking of doing so, but they are actually very useful! I can sift through and explore my thoughts better now and I can help re-motivate and re-direction myself with them and I even think my writing and expression in general has gotten better! It’s a good thing, it’s an achievement! Be happy silly self! ^^

Worry just makes the world seem all the more scary. Break the cycle, break the cycle, snap it to pieces, crush it into dust and let it fly away in the wind and never return! >< Keep going, reach higher, climb further (without forgetting to take rest stops in between and continue onwards with renewed vigour) past the sky and the stars, you can do it! Moar fancy fancy motivation!! x3

I guess I’ll stop here, I think I’ve got most of the stuff down and there’s stuff I wanna do now that I’ve pieced my motivation back together some ^^ When I go to my drafts to write, I see the to do/dream list I wrote last time and it reminds me of all the things I could do, it definitely needs to be tidied up but it’s nice seeing it! I’m pumped! :3

I hope things go well for myself and everyone out there, go go!

Have a great evening! C:

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #social anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #*pats self on back* #feels good man #keep going #break the cycle #don't give a damn about the irrational #do it all for yourself #never regret #no obligations #baby steps #try your best! #onwards to victory!

[anxiety-musings]

Hacker

Slowly getting back into writing so it won’t be the best but I’m back and I’ll soon find a Beta to help. Let me know what you think :)

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1663

Tags: 

I’ve used my old tags - if you’d like to be tagged/removed let me know :)

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The British Men of Letters had the name of their latest target and had them under surveillance for the better part of a week when the Winchesters discovered the name.

You were currently sitting at the small coffee shop in your college campus on your computer researching the lore of the Men of Letters after finding old paperwork belonging to your grandfather. As you picked up your hot chocolate you felt eyes on you, setting it down before taking a sip you started a video call with Sam Winchester, he picked up in a matter of seconds and looked stressed.

“Sam, who is following me?” you asked softly, keeping your eyes locked on your computer screen while sending your data to Sam, “I’m at the coffee shop, you were supposed to meet me here but you didn’t show up, and while I’m walking there’s these two suits following me. Why have you stood me up?” you asked, feigning hurt as Sam spoke into your headphones.

“The British chapter of the Men of Letters are hunting you, are you safe to speak?” Sam asked as you shook your head, cursing him out for not meeting up with you still, “Okay, shit… can you get to a safe house?”

You sniffed and looked to the screen, “I’ve got this massive project due and my computer is messing up. I need a drink…” you groaned as Sam nodded solemnly, a code you had made up for the unfortunate situation where you had to wipe your computer and go off grid, “I’ll call you back soon, next time don’t leave me alone!”

You sniffed and hung up the call before typing in a few codes, sighing as the small skull and crossbones appeared on your computer before the screen went blank. As you stood to leave, grabbing the now useless computer, the two men in suits stepped up to you and blocked the path.

“Sorry, I’m just leaving, you’re welcome to the table,” you smiled and grabbed your bag, moving to slip past them before a hand gripped your arm and pulled you close to them, “Excuse me!? Get your hands off of me!” you cried out and made a scene, causing the other patrons of the coffee shop to look over.

Two large football players stood and walked towards you and the men, looking none too happy that these men were causing trouble. “Is there a problem here?” one asked and crossed his arms over his chest as the man dropped your arm. “I guess not, mind if we walk you to your car Miss?”

You shook your head and followed the footballers, smirking to the men in suits as they lead you to your car and ensured you got inside safe. They bid you farewell as you took off, heading towards a safe house. As you drove you threw your phone out of the window and kept an eye out for anyone that might be following you. Night was falling as you approached the safe house, you parked your car in the garage and slipped into the house looking up to Jody as she rushed over and wrapped her arms around you in a tight hug.

“Sam told me everything, let’s get you fed and rested we can call the others in the morning and you look exhausted,” Jody sighed and locked the doors, finishing a small sigil as the house became protected, “Cas will know you’re here at least. Come on Y/N.”

You nodded and followed her to the dinner table, “How did they even find me? I’ve not been hunting in years since… you know,” you asked as a plate was set in front of you and Jody motioned for you to help yourself to the food in front of you.

“I don’t know, what was your research on?” she asked as she joined you in choosing food to eat.

“The Men o- of course, my searches made me a target,” you sighed and shook your head, “I finally got access to my grandfather’s old storage unit and found his old notes and turns out he was a Man of Letters, whole family were apparently except my mother… she wasn’t old enough to join when Abaddon attacked the American chapter.”

Jody nodded and began eating, “Anyway, onto nicer things - how’s college? I got the grades you sent me, well done kiddo you’re doing all of us proud.”

“Thanks Jody… how’s hunting been?” you asked as you took a bite of her cheesy mashed potatoes and relaxed, you had missed Jody’s cooking.

“It’s been hard, and with this lot coming in and tracking us, too many hunters are radio silent. We need to get you to the bunker and work out how they caught your searching.” she sighed.

“Or the sudden interest in the searches, I had been looking at these files for months. Can you get me onto a secure computer, one that can’t be traced?” you smiled as Jody sighed and nodded, “I managed to get into their system a few weeks back, I can get back in and pull any and all files we could need…”

“There’s one in the safe room, brought it from work when Sam told me you were coming. Finish your dinner then I will let you use the computer,” Jody sighed.

You smiled and ate quickly before heading to the safe room and pulling out your notebook, setting it next to the computer as you began your searching. Jody came to check on you before she headed to sleep, telling you the house was locked and there was juice and water in the kitchen for you, you wished her a good night before returning to your work. It took a few hours but you finally slipped past their firewalls and broke into their system. As you muttered to yourself you began searching the files for the Winchesters, taking notes as you went. You paused when you found a video file and opened it, in the centre of the frame Sam was chained to a chair as two Brits began questioning him and torturing him. As you watched the file you felt bile rise in your throat, shaking your head you found another name you recognised, Charlie Bradbury. While searching you found files on a bunch of the hunters you knew and details of their hunts and often deaths, that was when you found your parents’ files alongside your own.

Your mother’s file was thick and included family history, then details on her ‘retirement’, your father’s file was much smaller and only contained the information on when he had met your mother and began hunting. There was nothing on him prior to that, and the details of his death were brief, [Killed by Daughter]. It took a moment for you to get the nerve up to open your own file and when you did you wished you hadn’t, your file was thicker than your mother’s but had multiple years missing or blacked out. You printed the file before trying to get deeper into their security to obtain a clean version of your file, it took you until late morning but you finally passed through enough of their security to print a clean version of your file. As you sat at the desk you could swear you saw a message appear on the computer, clicking it opened a messenger with a very clear message.

[MoL]: Hello Y/N, did you really think you could sneak around our files without us catching you?

[Y/N]: Did you really think I don’t have things blocking your search to find me?

[MoL]: We know you do, you could have simply come with our agents at the coffee shop and we would have been able to chat like civil people.

[Y/N]: I could have but I didn’t want to. Goodbye, and stop looking for me.

[MoL]: No can do Hacker, you’re too dangerous. The information you have now is not for your eyes.

You cut the connection and shut the computer off, picking up the printed file and moving to the living room to read the file. Jody found you asleep on the sofa when she woke up, sighing she covered you with a blanket and set the paperwork to the side before calling Sam and Dean.

“She’s safe, spent the night doing her thing so she’s asleep but you boys should get here quickly, or get someone to take her to the bunker. She’s a legacy like you two… uh huh, just get here asap,” Jody sighed and poured herself a coffee, keeping an eye on you as you stirred and sat up, “Morning sleepyhead.”

“Morning Jody…” you mumbled and rubbed your eyes, looking to the paperwork that now sat on the coffee table next to you. “Need to finish reading this… might explain why they are interested in me…”

“What has it said so far?” Jody asked as she got a glass of water and set it down next to you.

“It’s spoken about the hunts my parents went on with me as a child then more about my hacking ability. A lot more about that - it’s missing the years when I was working from the bunker but apparently they believe my abilities are not natural. They tried to dig into my father’s history but there’s nothing. He didn’t exist before meeting my mother, and I… I was… no, that’s not possible,” you muttered and picked up the paper, reading the exact same conclusion you just reached on the page in front of you, “If this is correct, this isn’t good.”

“What’s not good?” Jody asked standing and looking concerned.

You passed her the page in silence, “I was a demon deal… my father wasn’t my real father, he was a demon watching over my mother and I… But there’s never been any cases of people being born from demon deals - demons don’t usually deal with that stuff.”

#fic #supernatural #men of letters #MoL #BMoL #Jody Mills #Jody #reader insert #spn #fan fiction #fan fic #guess who's back #back again #feel so lost #help a friend