#I feel like I'm haunting myself

[kittlyns]

So hard being a girl with regular urges to disappear

#I really do feel like my grip on sanity is slipping #so overwhelmed by stupid unchangeable shit that I know I'll regret worrying about someday #and everyone around me is all 'it'll work out! it always does :)' #but at what point does it just stop working out? when do I actually have to put some effort in? #I'm so resentful of my friends for having fall-backs. their parents or partners will always be able to bail them out #I don't have that. so no. it doesn't automatically work out for me. #and no one gets that. #I just want to escape it all #and childishly I want to punish people for not taking me seriously. maybe that's a part of me that will never go away #sometimes in that brief second of waking up before full consciousness I feel so close to the girl I want to be #and it feels possible #and I'm like. oh. I'll be her from now on... 🥰 and then I actually wake up and reality hits me and she is only ever a dream #I could have a dozen piercings and tattoos and I could shave my head and change the way I talk and dress and act but at the end of the day #I would still be me. I could run away and disappear and that wouldn't change a thing #I feel like I'm haunting myself #maybe I'll throw everything I own away and try to feel like a blank slate

[carlyraejepsans]

hey look, it's the kid protagonist that was hugely formative to your identity as a child! wouldn't it be fun to try to imagine how their life would be now if they grew up like you and they were also in their 20s? (<- words of a man about to step on a rake)

#looking at myself in the mirror haggard and pissed out of my mind do NOT catch feelings. don't you dare. don't you dare catch god fucking d #this is just like that pnf episode where they're all grown up.... that old baby crush on phineas coming back to haunt me #except this time it's worse because i have no showrunner to blame but myself. I'm the director of the circus #you idiot. you absolutely buffoon

[saltpepperbeard]

Anyway I just think one of the many reasons OFMD resonates with me so much is its focus on kindness and hope. Here you have these two men who have hit a wall, who feel trapped and hopeless within the confines of their lives. And all it takes is one chance meeting, one chance event, for their lives to turn completely around. A bit of kindness and understanding from someone is what powers them on. And I adore that so much.

It shows that, no matter how bleak, there’s still light to be found. There’s still kindness awaiting you. That, at any moment, your life could take an unexpected turn towards peace, and warmth, and happiness. That you can suddenly and unexpectedly be found.

I just think that’s important, especially with so many people feeling directionless right now- myself included. It’s even more important that it shows all of this happening with middle aged men too. Because, society loves to put a hard time limit on age. As in, if you don’t have it all figured out by your mid-twenties, you’ve somehow failed or missed your chance.

But OFMD shows that there’s still time. There’s always still time. And there’s always still warmth and kindness awaiting.

#OFMD #Gentlebeard #Blackbonnet #Edward Teach #Stede Bonnet #Revenge Rambles #Gets deep on main because of pirates skdslkds that's just how it IS #BUT ANYWAY #I was thinking about why this show resonates so deeply with me last night #And why I attached myself to it so hard and so quickly #And of course there are a MULTITUDE of reasons #But I realized it's because it strikes a lot of deep personal chords #Another one being Stede feeling like he doesn't fit in and can't find his niche #And he's over here trying to be genuine and kind and clambering for respect/worth #And I'm like HMM UHHHHHHHH FELT??? #But God the whole 'there is no time limit and you're worthy of goodness' thing is just #So often I'm haunted by societal expectations #So this show is just so so SO comforting #Like things often feel so so bleak #And that I'm/we're just tREADING WATER WAITING TO DROWN #But then this show is like 'You can still be pulled from the water' #It's the way this show is a rom com but it's so beautiful all the same #The deeper messages are just so so lovely

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[churchydragon]

"I love the haunted video game genre" I say, scared and paranoid

#churchy talks #I'm watching Jall's Shipwrecked 64 vod cuz I had to leave during the stream since it was 10 pm and like #oog. scary. idk what it is about haunted low poly games but they get me so paranoid and spooked #maybe it's because low poly games where such a big part of my childhood. I look at a low poly model and I feel at home #they did a great job with the game. I'd love to play it myself #but it's one of those games where I'd need someone with me to keep me grounded so I don't lose my mind out of stress and fear and paranoia #I'd also need a little notebook and cipher websites cuz there's a lot of puzzles with codes #churchy tag rambles

[oflgtfol]

i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh

#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023 #where i referenced sitting in a dining hall #and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?! #im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH #brot posts #it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me #and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me #although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was #like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person. #like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again #but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry #and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing #just by being back in that environment again? #even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past #so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past #like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly #this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021 #this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services #just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories #oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill #but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition

[hiding-under-the-willow]

look at my fanfic boy

#atlas.art #artists on tumblr #who killed markiplier #wkm oc #markiplier tv #it feels so weird posting on ao3 for the first time in 2 years I have to keep telling myself it's just for funnsies it's not that serious #anyways read it or whatever lol #do links still stop stuff from showing up in tags? I can't keep track of the bugs on this website at this point #this silly cover drawing took so long I literally gave up on shading it its just been haunting me in the photoshop menu for like a month #it's fucking cool though #for the record I've got like eight chapters written for this already I just have not decided on a posting schedule yet #probably once a week until I catch up with the backlog at that point I make no promises in terms of timely updates lol #anyways I'm gonna stop rambling in the tags because at this point I think I'm just stalling posting this #inheritancefic

[taniushka12]

there needs to be more Barry fics fr fr fr, I know the last time he appeared in game was 12 years ago but cmon, he is So important

#don't wanna start writing yet another thing until I'm done with my two current wips and I'm So close to finishing them... #tani's personal shit #I have a barry fic idea that's essentially like those 3 times smth +1? w/ the anderson brothers & alice & sam lake (the actor) #saying they've seen alan in dreams or smth. sam talks abt nightless night n alice mentions the hauntings #and barrys like. Well why haven't I dream w/ My best friend? if he's alive why hasn't he reached and if he's dead why hasn't he haunt me #(The +1 part is him actually dreaming/meeting.. scratch...) (team barry Will kiss all of al's evil doubles before reuniting w/ alan himself #gosh anyway... one day I'll write this... maybe not the coming days bc I feel myself getting sick w/ the coming autumn. but one day... #goodnight u_u

[darubyprincx]

i know being a human being takes recharge time but im so out of practice with being gentle to myself!!!!! i want to live and move and laugh so loud and live up to my name and remind people of the sun!!!!!!!!! i want so desperately to be filled with color and light and love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but instead when i get home i have to crash in bed and im too tired to do the things i love and im still grumpy and i keep forgetting to be nice to myself and its just so hard. i want to be poetry. i want to reduce my entire life to one of those sunswept june evenings where the wind smells like your soul and stay there forever. but its so much harder to romanticize the tired sighs and the ink stained fingers and the messy room and the head down headphones on isnt it? theres beauty in the mundane somewhere but my vision is stuck in an exhausted blurry greyscale

#ray's tag #bwuh. #what one day back at school does to a motherfucker ^ #im haunted by that damn quote that goes 'i think that you're the one who saved yourself that time no one else did' because its true #the brain shuts me off from consciousness because i'm just too tired and someone else comes in to keep going without complaint. #and when i wake up barely coherent enough to feel guilt over it i find myself tucked in and watched over and forgiven and its like #thats love #i just wish i could accept it right now. but i cant. because im too fucking tired to feel more than tired

[harrowharkwife]

you ever think about wake's notes? about how her revenant wrote that "THE ONLY THING OUR CIVILISATION CAN LEARN FROM YOURS IS THAT WHEN OUR BACKS ARE TO THE WALL AND OUR TOWERS ARE FALLING ALL AROUND US AND WE ARE WATCHING OURSELVES BURN– "

" –WE RARELY BECOME HEROES."

only to end up a hero herself? 'cause i do. i think about that a lot actually

#she's became a hero to her people in the end. you can tell by the way everyone talks about her in NtN #the shrines in BOE headquarters! the portraits of her they bring on spaceflight missions! #i think they're on all the ships bc there was one aboard the ship that harrow finds cam cor and jody on in HtN #that line from pyrrha to we suffer haunts me. 'maybe i just like being around other people that knew her' #god. wake sweetheart you're keeping the spirit of the revolution alive even in death #if i think about her for too long I'll cry so I'm gonna stop myself now and go to bed #awake remembrance of these valiant dead #awake remembrance of these valiant dead kia hua ko te pai snap back to reality oops there goes gravity #commander wake #tlt #the locked tomb #should i get we rarely become heroes tattooed on my body yes or no. i feel like the answer is yes

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Can't sleep brain too full of death

#sfw #personal #ok to reblog #so uh Fiona and Cake spoilers but #there's a lot of death and almost all of it always happened and never unhappened and I'm not ok actually #the universe where the Lich succeeded... if you don't blink you can see it happen #and then there was nothing nothing in the universe Everything Died #and then BMO... even without thinking about how horrifying it would be happening to flesh that's gonna haunt me... #Vampire world introduces itself with Simon's rotting corpse which remains even in present time #The Star... whose servants TEAR THEIR OWN HEADS OFF IN FEAR OF HER #and everyone died like it was nothing #I love this show so much but the death... all the meaningless death... #I'm too far removed from the idea of the narrative I'm too deep in the universe I can't see it as plot I see it as though I lived it myself #“so don't watch things you know will be upsetting you” unfortunately I love these characters and it was worth the pain of watching #I need to sleep please let me leave these thoughts and process my feelings later when I'm not alone and eating my own sleep time #please #Fiona and Cake spoilers #spoilers #cw death #tw death

[slippery-minghus]

you know, it really IS something that after moving out of my old mold-infested apartment... my mental health VASTLY improved.

what was essentially a low level psychosis is just... 90% gone. resolved! no longer an issue!

amazing how that works!

#it did also really help that in a last ditch effort to try to treat my gi stuff #my old doc prescribed me an anti-fungal/anti-mold medication #was on that for a few months right around when i moved #and while it didn't help my guts much because it wasn't treating the right issue #it was exactly the mold purge my body needed #and while the... increased sanity... does mean i have been very disconnected from my witchy practice for quite some time now #it's definitely for the better. because i'm not feeling so unsafe that i'm looking to things i don't even fully believe exist to help me #i was SO convinced that apartment was frequently haunted #and i am SO terrified of ghosts #i don't WANT to believe in them but i feel i have to in order to protect myself from them #but that said i don't feel afraid in this apartment like i did in my old one #and when i first toured this place... i immediately felt safe here. i felt it welcome me #it was the only place i saw. only place worth seeing. #and i've been here almost a hear already #i love this apartment so much #personal

[aletheialed]

fascinated by how much i'd forgotten how like... even at the point of t&t, edgeworth still struggles with social situations. he's still sometimes kind of a jerk. (sorry gumshoe ;w;) and granted, he's stuck in a situation in that game where he's led to believe that phoenix almost died, and then there's an earthquake, and it's just an all around mess that's not gonna be helping his state of mind, but. still!

idk??? it's just interesting to me, and sometimes i feel like the investigations games write edgeworth as too "perfect" a little. but his line about how he thought he "wouldn't have to see [phoenix] again for a while" is so interesting to me too, like he's clearly avoiding him... because he's in love and doesn't know how to handle it LISTEN

they care about each other, but there's still some awkwardness there. maybe i'm just imagining it or being unfair to him though, i really need to play the case fully again instead of just watching snippets. but. i am having thoughts about this. they are not fully formed yet but i will get there i SWEAR-

#ooc #personally i love it because it means i get to work through that shit in threads and that's Fun for me!! but like #idk. i'm just fond of the idea of the dynamic between edgeworth and phoenix still being kind of like... Messy; post t&t??? #and it slowly coming to become something more comfortable/''wholesome'' during the seven year time skip... idk #i'm second guessing myself a bit here; this reading might be entirely my imagination. feel free to share your thoughts! #it's like jfa happens and phoenix is still mad at edgeworth about his ''death'' and then edgeworth fucks off back to europe for a year agai #and like. did they ever actually talk. about their feelings. IT HAUNTS ME

[soryualeksi]

oh god they're going to kill everyone

#rafah massacre #i hate the world that allowed this to happen #i hope to see every single politician enabling hanged like the fucking nazis #I'm crying #i thought i was prepared for this moment i thought I'd closed off my feelings and shielded myself but I'm not #i feel like i have to throw up #you absolute monsters #gaza genocide #palestine genocide #the world should be ashamed #genocide #scholz and baerbock you too facilitated this and i hope it will come to haunt you #you absolute beasts #crimes against humanity

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: February 12

“This Is the Life” by Amy MacDonald

#song of the day #this is another one off the playlist I reblogged earlier #I got a handful of new songs off the playlist and this one might be my favorite #she's got a lovely voice and the way the lines of the chorus run together makes it very satisfying to sing along #'the songs they get louder each one better than before #and you're singing the songs thinkin this is the life #and you wake up in the mornin and your head feels twice the size where you gonna go where you gonna go where you gonna sleep tonight?' #I'd like to be asleep myself #reaching the point where thinking feels like juggling eggs and every second of the day I'm haunted by the feeling I've forgotten something #I haven't lost the ability to spell or to type or--and actually that quick-run chorus makes today's song a very good metric for this-- #I haven't lost the coordination that lets my mouth keep up with my mind #if I start having trouble typing or singing fast then we'll know I've hit the sleep-deprivation point where I shouldn't chop my own veggies #which is worse than any of the aches and other bullshits that come with being too tired you know because it's just /inconvenient/ #nothing worse than feeling bad /and/ now there's something mildly aggravating going on #nobody else does the food prep right!

[mesperyiandevotee]

Day 7: free day - isekai

Alfred is hit by a truck and wakes up as an omega werewolf being nursed back to health by his alpha brother, Matthew.

#amecanweek2023 #thanks for hosting amecan week! It's been fun writing for these losers (affectionate) #I'll have day 6's fic up eventually #I don't like leaving things unfinished (suddenly haunted by my mpreg heartstopper fic) #I've been feeling burnt out so I finally decided to write this #before the fic I'd started for day 6 #I was making myself cry and hadn't even gotten to 500 words yet #I needed something that was happier #and I've been debating whether to make day 6's ending happy or not #but I had fun writing this one even if the isekai aspect #pretty much sounds like in my asakikufred fic I'd written for a friend #cw for past violence/torture #in alfred's backstory in the werewolf world #I'm feeling better now writing this fic helped :)