#I guilt myself enough for everyone.
it just feels like everyone around me is so unbareably disapointed in me. and its not like i havent given them reason not to be. i have never had a job or contributed to anything really, i dont do chores and i still have a high price commission i just left unfinished. nothing is fun anymore and the more i ponder on life i realize that im running out of viable options for it. i dont want to live in this society. to be frank i dont agree with the way anything is done and the more i see the more hopeless i feel. im miserable everyday and i dont think life is worth living. all i have are things to lose, and i cant keep this life up much longer given that i dont work and am unfit to work. when i start a task i get bored of it quickly. it doesnt matter what it is. even fun things like games arent fun to me anymore. everything feels like work something to just accomplish so i can do something fun later. but nothing is fun anymore, so im just burning the candle at both ends. the truth is i dont want to be alive and i havent for a very long time. the more the days go by the more unbareably boring things become. i cant focus on anything anymore. i tried to get help and i didnt want to just give up for a while i tried that pretty much all last year, i was in therapy and starting medication and things were looking up. then my therapist all of a sudden dropped me and told me she wasnt a good fit for me anymore. my med provider never did get me any medicine that helped, and i would wait a month trying something only for the dose to be upped and wait another month to repeat the same thing. nothing ever helped. i sit here right now knowing there is probably a lethal concoction of pills i could scrumage up in my house to just put an end to it all. and im running out of reasons to not just take that route. its been nearly 10 years now of this constant suffering, i only have one friend, and a couple of mutuals i consider friends but it feels like all socialization is pointless because eventually i get bored of them or start to get the urge to hurt them somehow or they ghost me and things end. i know im sounding like an incel or i guess friendcel here but its a repeating cycle im not strong enough to stop. so i just pulled away from everyone and after what i went through with torin, my abuser, i no longer know how to have any functional relationships or friendships. im selfish and its hard for me to not get my way. because of that i dont want to hurt people by beinng in their life. so i pull away and just stay alone in my room with my cat. i dont want to bother my parents by makinng them watch the things i like that my dad tolerates and my mother loathes so i dont spend anytime with them anymore and i hate it bwcause i dont know how else to spend time with them because of scheduling and my moms chronic illness making her unable to leave the house. i know ive dissapointed them because i was a spoiled child theyve put all their money into and their investment got them nowhere. my half brother likes his other half siblings boyfriend more than me but at least my sisters somewhat trying to get to know me. im sort of just barely staying afloat in stormy water and i dont think i should put in the effort anymore and jusy drown. money is tight and so i try not to ask for anything or ask to go anywhere. i dont want to ask for more treatment because i dont want to be a further strain but without it i cant move out and get a job like i know my mother wants me to. i knkw if i go to college i wont be able to keep up and i dont want more financial strain on the house. im scared of losing everyone i love and i know i have to go first then, but im scared too. i know people will call me crazy but i believe in another life i was with the brothers and i just want that back. i miss them so mych and i think when i die i can see them and asra again. but at the same time a pit in the bottom of my stomach tells me that theres nothing after and i cant face that so i stay alive for the sake of my parents sanity and becahde at least in this realm they are on my screen
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