#I guilt myself enough for everyone.

[windblume-violet]

Do... do I go with the username for the running gag of "worst kept secret" or do I say fuck it and say magister Merlin for giggles to see his reaction

#afk merlin #afk shakir #afk journey story #afk journey #fun fact my username isn't my merlin's name in story #his name is actually Emrys #because. historical references and. bbc merlin brainrot. #Another hilarious fact: Emrys is so done with everyone #King wants to go into a thousand year nap after this is all done #Emrys is NOT paid enough for this #“the greater good” Emrys: I am being guilt tripped #Emrys: I can't even unionize for this unpaid heroism work because my familiars would cry if I mentioned I didn't want to do this #at least he gets to meet Dionel #fun fact: if there was an option for Emrys to ask Dionel if he could just stay #he would take it #he would stay in the moon temple with Dionel #Emrys “I can't say no to helping because Guilt” Magister “I will expend myself beyond my reasonable capabilities because I see no other #option in these trying times“ Merlin

[sassmill]

Thinking back to the parking lot conversation I had with my coworker after I fully broke down and told her everything that has been going on at home and how I feel so fucking trapped because I can’t afford to leave and she compared it to intimate partner violence and it just. Sank in in a way that it hadn’t before. Like when my therapist told me to imagine if somebody treated the girl I babysit the way I was treated, would I think that was something to brush off or would I immediately report it? Just. Having somebody force you to view your struggles from another perspective is so powerful.

#to be clear I am not in any physical danger at home #it’s just psychological danger that I’ve been desensitized to and kept telling myself it wasn’t that bad #and that I should be grateful it wasn’t worse because I *could* be in physical danger #and was lucky enough not to be #I *could* have been kicked out and had to resort to living in my car #but I wasn’t #instead I’m told I’m welcome to stay and then guilt tripped over staying #get called lazy when I don’t do everything for everyone else and selfish the second I do anything for myself #I just can’t do it anymore #that’s only the tip of the iceberg but enough is enough #and I am scared shitless about how I’m going to manage it financially #but I have to move out it’s no longer just a want it is a necessity #eldest daughter syndrome

[marshmallowgoop]

Hey, Hattori. Have you ever... killed someone?

#detective conan #case closed #conan edogawa #heiji hattori #narumi asai #my amvs #amv #eye strain #suicide mention #song is 'start the machine' by helen trevillion (linked above) #so i started this on a whim but got stuck so started the 🏍 edit on another whim #(but less of a whim than this one lol that one actually had a planning document prior to adding transitions ^^;) #once i finished the motorcycle edit i decided to come back and finish this one but... #not to be personal on main but i made this because i was feeling awful about myself and so much of the process made me feel even worse #i'm still not sure how to feel about this edit but i did work hard and hope others can get something out of it 🙏 #it's just one of the most heartbreaking parts of the series to me--that shinichi wants to save *everyone* but here he fails #and more than that he blames himself for it; he feels that it's his deduction that led narumi to start that fire #and while i didn't use the funi eng dub here (i would have liked to but they changed the line to 'i can't imagine ever killing myself') #one thing that gets to me about the funi script is this additional line where conan admits to heiji that he was too small to stop narumi #because i think that's another element of his guilt--he wasn't big enough or strong enough to save her #and while he's not talking about akemi here i think he feels the same about her #that if he had never followed gin and vodka that night at tropical land he could have saved both her and narumi #(it didn't work but i tried to add akemi to the video... something gets me so much about how she and narumi call conan 'little detective') #ramblings aside sources are episodes 11 78 and 1001 plus tv special 6 (episode one: the great detective turned small) #and do support helen trevillion! loved her music when i was younger and it was a happy surprise to find her making new stuff now #would love to do a heishin fancam with that 'with you' track but told myself i should get current with the series first ^^; #still at like ep 540 because i've been making fancams of the show instead of watching the show ^^;

[peribirb]

sick to bastard death of myself if I'm being honest

#sick of the shit my brain latches onto and obsesses over #sick of the pit of guilt i feel for even thinking about these things in the first place #sick of feeling so disconnected from everyone and everything #sick of feeling like I'm fundamentally not enough and not present enough in my own life to even entertain being in others lives #sick of being so directionless and having nothing to drive me #and frankly I'm sick of wanting to be dead #i wish literally anything felt worth fighting for #oh also sick of this Brain Disease that literally just exists to make all of these emotions infinitely worse. love that thanks #vent #delete later #it's been a Bad Night #i keep doing the “alone on a Friday night god you're pathetic” thing to myself but unironically #hope i can get some sleep i guess

[cuteniaarts]

Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl

17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019

#my art #artists on tumblr #I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already #I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that #exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together #not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know #and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again #I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly #instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her #feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time #well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system #and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her #and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result #but it felt like to commemorate her in some way. #so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind #which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever #never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor #but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself #she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret #there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end #even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again #I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing #it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day #she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much #when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was #well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed #I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home #and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me #spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure #and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes

[pepprs]

misery despair suffering etc etc

#purrs #delete later #two thoughts about separate things both causing the despair. thought / thing number 1 which i think ive talked abt on here many times before #but im saying it again: i am not good at being a friend in the ways my friends need me to be a friend. and in the ways friendship is thought #of societally i guess. i isolate myself constantly. i pull away from the opportunity to get closer with people i don’t know as well. i don’t #text back and then when im finally ready it’s been so egregiously long since it was appropriate for me to respond or reciprocate or #whatever it is i am so crushed by guilt and shame and embarrassment that i can’t bring myself to do it. i have so many unread messages and i #wont even let myself open them. and ive been like this for years. and i hurt someone very badly many years ago by being that way. and it was #more complicated than that but sometimes i remember it and how i acted and how i treated them. and i wonder sometimes if they check up on me #and i don’t want to be immature or weird or whatever for talking about it or wondering that openly. but if you do read this and you know who #you are: i am so sorry. i meant whst i said that i would never stop wishing you well and hoping the very best for you. and i hope you have #all of that and more. and im so sorry for not being brave enough to communicate with you or stick around. i really really am. and im sorry #to all the other people i have hurt by pulling away and shutting down and shrinking inside myself and not talking. ik it’s weird to post #that instead of just telling people directly but it’s the guilt. i am fully aware of how many people / groups of people i owe things to / #for but also just… miss. a lot. and want to talk to even though i won’t let myself. i don’t know why im like this and i don’t know how to #stop. but im sorry im not a good friend or even acquaintance or community member. and im talking to everyone now i guess including anyone #reading this bc god knows how many asks and messages i have on here. im sorry. i want to be a better friend. but i also never have spoons. a #and i also want to stay spoonless and cocooned on myself forever and never come out. and i hate that. i want to be a friend. i want to be #kind and giving and loving and generous in the ways you all have been with me. i want to hang out with people and send messages and be there #to lift people up and celebrate with them. but all i can muster is tapping like on social media and it’s horrific. i have gifts to make and #hello / checking in messages to reply to and roleplay starters to post and i just can’t do it right now and im scared i’ll never be able to #again. but it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. if i say i can’t do it then iwont. it’s not enougu to just be aware of it i have to act on it #and change it. but im exhausted and hurting right now and i have been for years and i need to heal first but what if this is healing. #idk. i rambled on that for much longer than i thought i would so nowim gonna say the second thing in a separate post. and it’ll be weird to #post about that in light of this and it’ll be weird to post this at all. but its been weighing on me so heavily today and i don’t want #anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual #people to your faces even though i know it’s cowardly. im really truly sorry. i will try to get better once i have the strength to try. #actually yeah no not gonna say the second thing yet. it would be weird to say it now. this needs to sit a little first

[fly-sky-high-09]

Fuck now I'm crying about my past cat

Edit: that was a good hard sob snot nosed cry and now I feel both exhausted and like my soul washed through the cozy shower

#he passed away at home but he was not well #and I wasn't home when he passed away and I always guit tripped myself over that fact #that I didn't see him until the end #but it's stupid because my parents were home and he wasn't alone #for some reason i made it my responsibility because he was my cat technically #as if he wasn't a family member to everyone #dont guilt trip yourselves... #you had time spent to show the pets how much you cared for them #that's enough I promise #they knew

[possiblytracker]

just over 24 hours til i never have to think about my dissertation ever again

#im going to deliver such a mediocre presentation but i think the euphoria of Almost Finished will carry me through #then i have my exam on monday but im not thinking about that. im throwing rocks at it. at least its an easy one but ourgh #in better news i got a little money from family over the weekend and scrounged together enough for a totk preorder last night #since i really thought abt it and. though i feel guilty for Indulging. having to watch everyone else i know play and enjoy it #for several weeks while i can't and am just constantly avoiding social media/throwing myself into work will be WAY worse on me #and i need to be nice to myself for once my Inner Voice is getting very mean again recently #idk. i havent so much as opened discord in a While bc i just feel Bad if im not doing work rn especially after the party this weekend #or maybe its just some Loud social anxiety translating itself into that who knows #but i was working on this damn presentation on public transport yesterday!!!! i cant ever do ANYTHING on public transport #but the nausea was less intimidating than a failing grade dkjvd #ill get better. i dont know how much of the pressing guilt ill be able to shake until after exams. but im working on it #its Almost All Over #vent/ #?

[aceoflights]

I really dislike the attitude of "why didn't you tell me earlier" when it comes to coming out

1. there can be many reasons

2. a queer person does not owe you anything, even if you are close

3. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU

#also it perpetuates the idea that you assume everyone is cishet until you are told otherwise #i don't believe that people who react like this are bad people #a friend reacted like that after she found out about me being queer #which i simply hadn't told her about because i was still in the process of figuring myself out #but it also perpetuates that coming out thing #which is stupid because if we wanna normalise queerness we should maybe stop treating it as if it's not normal/not the norm #also hate when they do this in media #prime example ted lasso #i really like this show #but damn was the isaac colin thing stupid #i knew where they were going with it from the beginning #and i did not like it one bit #that whole trope puts the blame/guilt on the queer person for 'not trusting their friend(s) enough #as if queer people don't already have to deal with enough shit #my boy colin went through that whole episode thinking his best friend was homophobic and hated him now #not to mention the possibility of isaac outing him #the show wants you to believe that this was just a misunderstanding between friends and that there is no bad guy #but there is (even if it wasn't his intention) and it's isaac #queer #coming out #outing #ted lasso #colin hughes #isaac mcadoo

[soldier-poet-king]

. Chompin at the bit today ...

#it's like. i hate (romantic) love. i love love. i cant survive without it. ill be fine alone #i need security and happiness. ive survived this long without them and don't deserve them anyway #i sm completely unhinged in every sense if the word. i am the most normal person on the planet and everyone else is wrong #bc they cant or wont feel things like i do #im the worst person alive. my hands are bloody. there's so much guilt. im so selfish and life is one long atonement for my very existence #im actually just human and deserving of the same compassion as everyone else. maybe more bc im just so fuckin fragile #i have to deny myself every comfort and desire bc it is morally correct #i have to deny myself because it is easier to deny myself than have the world deny it to me #pretend that it is my choice. easier never to ask then to be disappointed and let down and alone #i have to deny myself bc of guilt. it is righteous justice. it is punishment. it is misguided. all three maybe #so yeah. having A Time. had a full on breakdown at church and not in a good cathartic way #reminder reminder of the shire is saved but not for me #im multitudes and incomprehensible. im simple and stupid and plain. #i have too many emotions. i dint have enough. i should feel more. i should repress more #im just. off to stupid little crafts. read trc BC im already insane so whatever #work again. rinse wash repeat #gonna drive myself to exhaustion at the gym #not out of health desire. but brain desire. i need to be awake but unthinking. exhausted and pained for a righteous cause #anyway. ooops. so much for being reticient and repressed #i mean. irl sure. and this is only a fraction of it. i promise to be less in the future. its better for everyone #and I'm so tired of weakness

[bookwyrminspiration]

quil. how much art did you have in your drafts.

there's actually still two left, but those are empires pieces and I'm not active in empiresblr so they can sit a little longer.

But! I like to leave long tags on everything I reblog (because I love reading tags, so I want to give that experience to the op) and I don't always have the time/energy to do that when I see cool art, so I just stockpile it in my drafts to be tagged and compliment and unleashed on the world when I do have the time/energy!

I don't reblog nearly as much art as I'd like to, so this is a newer method that I'm trying out :). We'll see if it's up to my standards!

#quil's queries #camelspit #also it was only 7 pieces! not too bad! #also I know i could do empty reblogs. this is just how I choose to do it #because I really like to compliment people. but doing so means I can't compliment as many people because it takes more time #hang on i'm getting distracted trying to justify fewer reblogs because I leave tags #*looking in a mirror* quil do you feel guilty about not being able to support everyone in the world and like you need to justify #how you've chosen to support them according to your capabilities and preferences? #and are you trying to make up for the feeling that you're not using your popularity and online presence properly? #and are benefiting from the exposure of having a bigger blog yourself without giving #enough of that back to the very community and platform that support you? and using your presence to bring attention to #and support others? #quil cut that out you're not required to give all of yourself and are doing what you can. there's always room for improvement #but you are trying and making the effort to improve and support people and share their work and efforts #and you have other responsibilities too. so maybe you could compliment and reblog a lot more. but you're human #and you have to balance. stop feeling guilty #okay cool we're good ignore the talking to myself in the third person to therapy through an unexpected bout of guilt #everything's fine now #anyway! yeah I had some art stored for when I had the mind to compliment and share them :)

[sickgraymeat]

.

#negative self talk / #why do I feel so much guilt over how I feel abt & interact with media #and also why does guilt make me feel like I’m gonna explode #guilt and fear!!! fear!!!! god I am so ??? #and anger obviously but that feels like somewhat normal? not to the extent that i have it but #like is it the not having much else in my life that makes me so attached to whatever abt media #bc idk im just so stupidly intense about it to the point where I can’t talk abt it all #bc if I try to talk I will just scream and cry #like I always thought fandom was like oh! people who get really into things like me! #but I am way way way too much #even for that #and I don’t wanna ruin my favorite things for myself by taking them too personally anymore #and it’s obviously 100% my fault but idk what to do abt it #:////////// anyway #jus talkin #I wanna be like everyone doesn’t hate me and think I’m horrible it’s just me but #what if everyone actually does hate me and think I’m horrible lol then I’d look like I’m not self aware #anyway GOD me you fucking dumb fucking piece of shit if you’re gonna be this whiny then like fucking create something about it for gods sake #you have enough fucking dumb stupid terrible drafts just make another dumb stupid terrible little stupid whatever #or else stop fucking complaining abt it! #—if you like this I will assume it’s a nice ‘I see you’ gesture don’t worry #like obvs no one has to but I know I’m sometimes not sure #kinda hope for y’all’s sake no one reads this but if you do and you leave a like #I will take it as a kind acknowledgment and I will appreciate it and not assume you’re necessarily agreeing to any of this haha #*agreeing with

[birdmenmanga]

hope everybody can understand!! feeling that immense loneliness despite the closeness tonight!!

#just thinking thoughts... #I don't know. #there's so much love but it's so lonely out there. #I can't express myself properly in chinese... #I worry that I'm a burden on everyone. #That they have to explain everything to me because my vocabulary isn't good.... #that the motorcycle guy has to take me home every night... #surely he must not want to be tied down to me. it's got to be a pain. #I don't know. I think I'm rejecting everyone's kindness because I feel bad. #I was offered a jacket when I left with him at 3 AM. #but I felt like I couldn't take it you know. I didn't feel clean enough. and I didn't feel close enough to her. #but maybe it was rude of me not to take it. #I tell myself that I love taking people home and such. but it's soooo hard for me to believe that other people might also feel that way #I think I'm going to have to get him flowers next week. the guilt is killing me #like legitimately. it's killing me. I'm sorry about me. are we friends? are we even friends yet? #even if we are I don't think he likes me enough to really be enjoying it. I don't know. #I asked him if it was okay to message him even if there wasn't anything. and he said it was fine. but it's not like he could have said no. #sorry for cornering you. I didn't think about it. #sighhhh sometimes it feels like... oh why bother making friends when. this is all such a temporary thing. #when I'm going to be gone in a year. #but I'm going to die like this. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to give me a hug. I'm going to cry like this.

[laomelettedufromage]

So apparently when you graduate college, you get to unlock a whole new sleuth of issues depending on what you do or happens after

#hiiiiii making tumblr my diary again<3333 #today is another bad day which I was afraid we were heading here #I think a lot of it is I just got less sleep #and it always seems to get worse on the weekends when everyone is like out partying and doing stuff yknow #anyways I used to be a very independent person who was good at keeping myself from being lonely and bored #but now I’m struggling very hard with both of those things which just feels so DUMB #but while there’s some things I can do to kinda help alleviate the boredom #there’s really nothing I can do for the loneliness at the moment which kinda sucks #and also the loneliness is definitely new #like it isn’t but me identifying it as loneliness is new #I think originally I was chalking it up to jealousy and boredom #and those two emotions are definitely still there #but I don’t think I’m giving loneliness enough credit😅 #which sucks because I’m not technically ALONE… ever #it’s just my coworker doesn’t really fill the hole yknow?? and then I also feel bad for him for that #even though I know that’s not my guilt to take on #but I know I’ve been very moody IM MOODY RIGHT NOW and it’s hard to keep that contained and so some of it gets taken out on him #which feels bad because he doesn’t deserve it AT ALL #and also I really do want to leave a good impression on these people😔 #idk man maybe after I eat I’ll like walk around or something #call one of my roommates #and then maybe start work on sewing my Jean jacket or somethin #it’s going to be a long month and my brain seems determined to make it suck😅 #personal

[mntcoronet]

declaring myself the only person who is normal about this one anime (closely followed by the two irl friends who made me watch it, and my mum who watches it with me, but they are not subjected to nearly as much Online stuff as I am so they are inherently more normal about things anyway)

#maggles ramblings #i don't know what ppl on here are like about it and i don't think i want to. i think it will remain one of those things i enjoy by myself #bc like the story is about this one big and fucked up family. but apparently it's only 'family' in the loose sense; #as in; i haven't gotten to any clarification in the anime itself yet but the wiki says it's more a structure of power than actual family #which makes some things in it... Much more tolerable to say the least. but i do not trust literally any fans on here to care about that #i have a very strong inkling that not many ppl would care enough about that distinction anyway and get too into shipping regardless #despite how much ELSE there is to look at; including things i haven't really seen other stuff cover before in this particular way #and like yea ik there's shit in it anyway; not all bad but some is just rather sensitive yknow. but my point IS #that i simply do not trust the wider internet on here with the themes and situations i find so interestingly portrayed in this thing. #my brain kind of conked out near the end and i lost my original point #ahh idk it's tough to explain. i get it though in my head i am so correct about everything #like. it has some Really interesting parts!! two main characters who hate each other bc they think the other has everything they want! #when Actually both are suffering uniquely!! #an older sibling trying to deal with guilt over not protecting the younger one from abuse when they had the chance to - #and the younger one accepting their desire to reconnect; without being forced to forgive them! #characters dealing with not being Wanted; with not being able to help; with feeling like they're causing problems just by existing! #but then you have shit like 'haha this guy says weird things abt the teen characters as a joke lol' #and 'this character is trans? noo you're mistaken they simply dress feminine bc they're too cowardly to present as a guy' #and more. but yea it's. so tough. there are parts i like but i do not want it to be assumed that i also agree with all the weird shit #but i KNOW on here i can't just assume everyone else cares as much abt the shit as i do. #so i think i will just be happier having fun with it with those two irl friends of mine.

[qaanngi]

Scrolled to 2020 to try and update the file for Theo's birthday pic (HBD to him 💙) and that really was such a wonderful period for me in terms of drawing 🥲

#just wanted to update my signature but mobile app and browser don't work 🫠🫠🫠 #le whiny text post #also the few asks I got back then were just stellar 🥲 #it sucks that I don't feel the same joy and contentment when I draw anymore #idl PSA if anyone reads this far down my tags: never tell anyone they should draw: (1) just for fun. (2) for the success in their heart #(3) assume that they do not actually draw for themselves and proceed to tell them to not draw what fandoms want despite. like look at their #fucking body of work before you say something that presumptive and dismissive 🙄 #(4) don't assume they are just* clout chasing. I lost my job in the middle of COVID and still had a whole year's worth of tuition to pay #in the middle of lockdown. so no money for anything including necessities. foolishly thought I might be good enough for comms #very very VERY foolishly put out a rhetorical Q on how to build a following. again my bad for assuming I'm good enough #and then was told indirectly that 'people conflate numbers with worth' and like yeah ok #but also I lost my job Jan 🫠 #sometimes hyper positive 'encouragement' comes off so dismissive #and now (3 years later) I still can't even say what I draw is 'art.' I feel ashamed of sharing anything. I think everyone hates everything #draw (tho that is kind of a true fact with the gnshn fandom if we're talking art styles). I can't even call myself an 'aspiring artist' #I feel guilt and shame for wanting to have ever been one despite wanting to be one since I was a child and wanting to like open comms or #design prints and stickers and shit. #what they thought was 'encouraging' comes off dismissive. like getting scolded by your betters that you shouldn't aspire to have and do #the things that they have and do. and girl when I tell you it took a lifetime to get some of them to even acknowledge me 🫠 #like hoping they thought of me as a peer but it sounds like I'm beneath them #and they are bigger fandom artists. all of them had either comms or something open and literally that's all I ever wanted. the other stuff #is clearly beyond me but idk. just sucks to hear bigger artists tell you to just be content to be the little nothing that you are and to no #aspire to achieve the things you want. #and I shouldn't let it get to but 3 years later and we have given up. #even lowering goals to just such small things and those can't even be achieved 👍 #anyways HBD Theo. You gave up on the dream of being an artist. Me too 🤝💙🙃