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#I guilt myself enough for everyone.
trashpremium3 months ago
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how do y'all deal with the soul-crushing guilt of existing
#i feel so much guilt and shame all the time. just for being alive.#it goes away sometimes if i'm distracted enough. I'm so easy to distract that I'll forget about the emptiness and actually be happy#but then the moment i have a second to think. the emptiness comes back and I feel so fucking guilty for being happy in the first place#and then i feel guilty for being sad. because I can't be sad. I'm not allowed to be sad. im supposed to be the one that helps everyone else#and i cant talk to anyone about it because everyone else has their own problems and I don't want to be responsible for them being sad#a friend of mine recently told me that they tried to commit a few months ago. and I feel so fucking guilty about it because I wasn't there#we had drifted apart and i wasnt there and she couldve died and I wouldnt have been able to say goodbye#i still think of her as my best friend. and Im so tired because im so alone and the things that make me happy just. don't anymore#the things that used to keep me alive now just make me feel so fucking empty. because I feel guilty for enjoying them. i know i'm annoying#i know that i talk too much. but I feel like if I enjoy anything im going to push away every single person that I like spending time with#because i know im only there to be a support friend. a background npc in everyone elses stories. and I accepted that years ago#but it still fucking hurts knowing that im never going to have anyone to talk to#and i feel so guilty for that even because what if im fucking crazy and a manipulative piece of shit and i dont deserve to have friends#theres no point in me existing at this point but the guilt keeps me alive. i dont want to be a problem by killing myself#i just want an excuse to die. i want to stop existing and for my memory to be wiped from this earth so no one feels guilty#even venting makes me feel like a piece of shit but if i dont let it out i really will die#and its paradoxical. because if anyone tries to comfort me I'll feel so guilty about them feeling like they have to reassure me#because i know they don't really mean it and only feel guilty. but no one reassuring me will make me feel so alone like i am#so theres no winning here. i'm mentally ill and probably not going to make it to my 18th birthday. or the end of the summer. whatever#vent
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lordiavolo6 days ago
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it just feels like everyone around me is so unbareably disapointed in me. and its not like i havent given them reason not to be. i have never had a job or contributed to anything really, i dont do chores and i still have a high price commission i just left unfinished. nothing is fun anymore and the more i ponder on life i realize that im running out of viable options for it. i dont want to live in this society. to be frank i dont agree with the way anything is done and the more i see the more hopeless i feel. im miserable everyday and i dont think life is worth living. all i have are things to lose, and i cant keep this life up much longer given that i dont work and am unfit to work. when i start a task i get bored of it quickly. it doesnt matter what it is. even fun things like games arent fun to me anymore. everything feels like work something to just accomplish so i can do something fun later. but nothing is fun anymore, so im just burning the candle at both ends. the truth is i dont want to be alive and i havent for a very long time. the more the days go by the more unbareably boring things become. i cant focus on anything anymore. i tried to get help and i didnt want to just give up for a while i tried that pretty much all last year, i was in therapy and starting medication and things were looking up. then my therapist all of a sudden dropped me and told me she wasnt a good fit for me anymore. my med provider never did get me any medicine that helped, and i would wait a month trying something only for the dose to be upped and wait another month to repeat the same thing. nothing ever helped. i sit here right now knowing there is probably a lethal concoction of pills i could scrumage up in my house to just put an end to it all. and im running out of reasons to not just take that route. its been nearly 10 years now of this constant suffering, i only have one friend, and a couple of mutuals i consider friends but it feels like all socialization is pointless because eventually i get bored of them or start to get the urge to hurt them somehow or they ghost me and things end. i know im sounding like an incel or i guess friendcel here but its a repeating cycle im not strong enough to stop. so i just pulled away from everyone and after what i went through with torin, my abuser, i no longer know how to have any functional relationships or friendships. im selfish and its hard for me to not get my way. because of that i dont want to hurt people by beinng in their life. so i pull away and just stay alone in my room with my cat. i dont want to bother my parents by makinng them watch the things i like that my dad tolerates and my mother loathes so i dont spend anytime with them anymore and i hate it bwcause i dont know how else to spend time with them because of scheduling and my moms chronic illness making her unable to leave the house. i know ive dissapointed them because i was a spoiled child theyve put all their money into and their investment got them nowhere. my half brother likes his other half siblings boyfriend more than me but at least my sisters somewhat trying to get to know me. im sort of just barely staying afloat in stormy water and i dont think i should put in the effort anymore and jusy drown. money is tight and so i try not to ask for anything or ask to go anywhere. i dont want to ask for more treatment because i dont want to be a further strain but without it i cant move out and get a job like i know my mother wants me to. i knkw if i go to college i wont be able to keep up and i dont want more financial strain on the house. im scared of losing everyone i love and i know i have to go first then, but im scared too. i know people will call me crazy but i believe in another life i was with the brothers and i just want that back. i miss them so mych and i think when i die i can see them and asra again. but at the same time a pit in the bottom of my stomach tells me that theres nothing after and i cant face that so i stay alive for the sake of my parents sanity and becahde at least in this realm they are on my screen
#and in my mind and i can live with them there. so thats what i do. i am always thinkng all the time and most of the thinngs i do are for the#sake of everyone else even jf it doesnt make sense thats how ocd is. it tells me what to do to avoid the bad thigs and sonetimes i csnt tell#it no anymore. it just gets too hard for me to stop it says if i dont do ny rituals my family or pets will die and i cant face that so i hav#to do them. i am paralyzed with fear and i am unable to live my life even when im not in the depressed state i am. even when thinfs are ''go#od'' i have to worry about things. so i am either depressed or anxious. ghats the only two thjngs i can be#i have not been happy or fulfilled or excited in a very long time. just angry depressed or nervous thats all i feel anymore. i dont know#what else to say. i dont even rememebr where i started. i just wish i could be back in a comfortable life with the brothers and asra in my#inner world where everyone would still be there and everyone would be happy. im still not over my grandmothers death and todsy they sold her#house. i dont know what to do the only path out looks like suicide but i cant do it here. if i move out i will certainly kill myself i am#not mentally strong enough to live alone. but being here is killing me. i dknt have many options and it feels like time is running out. i am#already 21. the lasts three years have been wasted in the waters of depression and guilt and recovering from the abusive relationship. i#dont know what to do and i want to out him but he has much blackmail on me and everyone told me i shouldnt so i cant. it doesnt feel right#saying anything or saying nothing. i dont knkw what to do. i dont even know why in posting this.#go forward link
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one-less-to-worry-about2 months ago
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I know im a broken record but I really just wish I could find some happiness or at least peace that lasts for more than 5 mins when I'm alone
#miranda talking shit#Negative#I just want someone to love and who loves me and to live with them with a cat or two#But im so broken and i cant see anyone mangaing to be with me for more than a month before noping the fuck out#Being told from all places that 'things will get better ' when you've been feeling this way since you were 13 and having had sucidal thought#Since you were 8 is like... Uh... Its been 10 years i.... I have just aged and lost my youth to my illness haha....#Having to come to terms with the fact that youre probably going to be one of those people who doesnt get a good ending is hard#I always love and wish the best for everyone i meet and want to help them but im... Not ever going to find anyone that want that for me#And even if i did i guess i would just deny it or not accept it because i have no right to any love because im like this. Im disappointing#My mom every year that goes by because i cant get an good enough grip of taking care of myself and doing the bare minimum to be alive ... So#I can study or work like hahahah how lame is that? I just want to convince my own brain that i deserve to be alive even if its an pathetic#Life. But it's been over 10 years with medication therapy three different schools and thousands of doctor visits but its the same im the sam#I cant escape the thoughts that i am long overdue. I have expired. Im the rotten fruit left in the fruit isle at a store thats a danger to#All other fruits. I need to die already so i don't make it harder for everyone else. And i have the audacity to feel bad and sad over not#Being loved... The fucking nerve is mind blowing. I hate this i do. And then I'm not bad enough to not consider others feelings if i kms or#Cut mself so i have no way of escaping it. My guilt is literally trapping me here and also wanting me dead its so inlogical i would laugh it#If it wasnt my real state of existence. Everyone has trauma theyre dealing with so why cant i just do it? Because im pathetic and weak obv#Anyone saying im kind is just so untrue too. Im thinking and feeling empathy for anything that is helpless because i am and wish i could be#Saved. Even my kindness is selfish. So i csnt accept anything nice anyone says about me. It isnt true they do not know anything if they did#They wouldn't be able to even look at me. I guess this is all punishment for something i have done in a previous life. I wish I could know#Because having s reason behind all this shit would make my state of mind easier. If theres no reason behind anything then im one excuse low#In my existence and i am just so done with hitting myself against this wall over and over#No not a wall its a box because even if i try other things the feeling remain and i am unable to leave#I am thinking about dying and ending it on a daily basis but everytime someone ask ill say im okay because in that moment they are there#With me so technically i am. But my okay is not okay. My version of okay isnt alright but no one can change it and it would just make the#Other person feel bad so im just fine... Im okay... Nothing happened ...
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doebta year ago
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also this is so asshole of me but i am seriously like on the verge of a totsl freaking meltdown like socially . like i just want to sit alone in a room COMPLETELY ALONE by MYSELF no other human interaction for like. 48 straight hours. my introvert gene is jumping out
#i have a surprising amount of online social activities i do like. everyday#w completely separate groups and ppl and an entire range of activities#some way more low effort than others but doing like 4 or 5 separate hangout sessions EVERY. SINGLE. DAY#its so asshole of me to get so stressed out but im like SUCH an introvert#and when i take days off from 1 or 2 thinfs i still have to do the rest#so i get basically no days where i can just completely chill out by myself. which is part of why my sleeping is so screwed up#and i cant rly do anything abt this bc ik i get lonely super easily and it would get rly bad if i actually went on a 48 hr isolation#and i have such an extreme guilt complex i cant rly bow out of most of these activities when im feeling this way#bc some of the ppl im not close enough to for bailing to be like. forgivable#then when i bow out of doing stuff w the ppl i AM close to i feel so freaking horrible it ruins the rest of my day or night#THEN i ALSO have to do stuff w my family. so when i ditch my family to do stuff w friends online i feel even more horrible#bc my family is old and theyre going to die and etc. I cannot even describe the stress this is causing me#its also causing me to ignore almost all the friends im NOT doing daily activities with bc i use up all my energy during the hanging out#this is RIDICULOUS. like im very glad to have SOOO many ppl to vibe with during these lonely and weird times#but oh my god i have lately just had to sit down and cry a little bit sometimes bc im SO overwhelmed even though i love everyone somuch#i go to sleep so anxious bc ik ill wake up and almost immediately have to do something social even if its 'just' online#and even worse is sometimes 1 thing will take 30 min longer than i anticipated so i have to apologise to whoever the next group or person is#and mostly ppl are understanding but i just feel so freaking horrible nomatter what. im shaking rn just thinking of all the stuff#im gonna have to do in the next 24 hrs...im doing more social stuff in 1 day now than i used to do in 1 month combined#its just not in my nature like even though i LOOVE my friends and accquaintences i do stuff with. it exhausts me#i love them all SO MUCH and im so genuinely honored to be a part of anyones quarantine schedule but holy god im rly. like. i cant deal#it also sucks in a superficial way bc im not getting to do any of the stuff i wanna do like working on my thing or art or anything#but ik this is way better than being lonely and ik im just being stupid abt it and ill probably get over it when i get my good meds again#Also most of my friends i do stuff with dont even know my tumblr but if u do and read this then just ignore this whole thing#im just a HUGE introvert and sometimes it makes me asshole and i feel SO bad. i just am venting abt it
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bend-me-shape-mea year ago
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i mean, it's fine, we can keep telling ourselves the lack of content is caused by hiatus instead of thinking for only a minute about everyone that's gone now and why they don't want to be or post here anymore.
#tumblr#content creators#support content creators#fandom#i don't want to take anyone into a guilt trip huh i have enough of this myself me even if i am doing everything i can i still feel bad#just look around you tell me how many people is gone#it's sad so sad#not only because we are losing great content but because the lovely hard working friends we had are gone#this isn't anymore about the like reblog thing is about the fact we don't appreciate people as persons anymore#it's a struggle to do things and put them out there it doesn't bring joy anymore#and then people go to the screenshot of posts on other social media and they have never loved anything as muchas they love that screenshot#and this is also about the content creators that with all the right in the world reblog and do posts about this situation but then#they don't do a thing to support their fellow creators#that are going exactly through the same thing knowing better than anyone how that feels like#i love fandom i love our community i love my friends and i love being here but i had to say it because i'm sad too#what kind of family are we if we are leaving everyone behind?#i know all of us have it on us to love others to support them to give them a nice word a shout out a reblog#what i don't know is why we aren't doing it anymore#i have been here since 2016 and it's getting worse so fast#still i think we can work together to stop this make it better i've hope#because we still have that love inside us love for our fandoms for content and for each other#this is a only a encouraging call for us to search for that love and let it out in the world again
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sherlock-is-acea year ago
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#6 weeks#i managed to be happy and excited for 6 weeks#i had motivation and hopes for the future#all gone now...#i just want to crawl into a hole and die#it would be so much easier for me and for my family...#i wouldn't be a leach and everyone would be so much better without me...#like sure emotionally maybe my mom would be sad#but they would get used to it and survive...#this is a crap country and nothing you do is ever enough#so yeah... all motivation and goals and any itty bit of hope i had for the future is completely gone#i'm back at square one with no idea how to be an adult or even pretend to be one#and this isn't just about dissappointing myself anymore#this is about being a big ass burden to my family...#i can't even be ok about the therapy i started cause i don't think i can afford it anymore so yeah... i'm literally back to how i started#but with more guilt#and even less motivation cause i see now that nothing i can do helps#this is great! (:#had to write it in the tags cause there's some of you out there who can't see when something is personal#even when i explicitly ask not to reblog it...#anyways pls don't worry about me i just gotta be a depressing drama queen for a bit it'll pass#i'm not writing this for pitty i know people have it worse i'm just venting...#and now i'm off to sleep forever#or at least for a while#seeing that i can't do anything that would bring me any joy rn#the only thing that would bring me a tiny bit of joy is if i could get a job right this second...#so pray some of the illustration agencies say yes#ok i'm done#angel talks#personal
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vivitalksa year ago
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#i know its not fair to be stressed out by the stuff going on. i KNOW that#but i am#it's a privilege to be stressed. yes. and a privilege to be able to say 'i cannot care about this right now'#and i dont want to abuse that privilege because it isnt fair#i think i have to care even though im not sure i can. this stuff on such a global level comes with so much guilt#and so much grief and so much.....of a need for conscientiousness#I don't really consider myself a person with a voice#because i think everyone i know agrees with me and i dont have a platform like#and nobody even on here cares what i have to say which is kinda the point of it#but just in the tags of this post I'll probably delete i want to say that#it is hard for me to choose awareness and activism#i think that makes me a bad person?#but there it is#i do it anyway. because it's right. but if it were up to me i wouldnt. so that is wrong.#ETA:#it's just. i end up in this feedback loop of. am i doing enough. and the answer is no.#and i know the answer is no becquse im doing NOTHING. so i go to do something#but then i try to feel fulfilled that ive helped#and i just know that thats a cop out. thats like#'oh i did one thing.....enough activism for today'#thats not how it fucking works#and then it's like when is it enough?? what is enough???#i know donations are important do i have to donate?? is that enough??#even though im a fucking college kid who needs that money for her future#when there are people RICH people CELEBRITIES out there who are fucking swimming in it#who could pay off anything i could possibly contribute with probably the contents of their wallet?#how is my donation going to help?? really????#should activism feel like shit?#ETA 2: well i felt shitty enough that i found a bunch of resources (thanks michael clifford's twitter)#and i signed a zillion petitions that won't do anything
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bear-of-varley2 years ago
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My grandmother's been gone for 4 years today and I'm still feeling her loss like 4 years ago feels so long ago and at the same time it doesn't. I was extremely close to her so when her death came, it hit me hard. My ex rented a 3ds and fe awakening and I spent the entire 2 weeks after playing nonstop to avoid the guilt, stress, and sadness. And then I latched onto fates when things worsened.
Idk recently I've been stressed out of my mind because of the events of last week, which were disastrous but I will be able to bounce back hopefully in a month or two (or by the end of the decade) plus going through the motions of missing one of the people I cared for most isn't a good combination and led me to complete emotional and physical burnout. I'm glad I'm taking the day off from work to reset and move forward. I felt terrible at first for taking the day off but I actually desperately needed this.
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