#anyone to think im ignoring them or not aware of being like this or whatever. and posting into the void is easier than telling individual

[generalsmemories]

Ginkgo leaves

✧ jing yuan x gn!reader

✧ based on the ask: Since reqs are open, you think you could write jing yuans reaction to his lover being Mara-struck? Thank you! - requested by anonymous

✧ contents: established relationship, angst, hurt/almost no comfort lmfao, implied character death, mentions of other characters, pov mostly written in jing yuan's pov, still usage of 2nd pov (referring the reader as you), mayhaps ooc because jing yuan is an emotional wreck.

✧ a/n: when i tell ya'll i legit struggled to be able to write this entire thing. there's been like 3-4 scrapped drafts because halfway through writing i would just NOT be satisfied with the result. to the anon who requested this, i'm so sorry it took this long - but i hope the upcoming trainwreck makes up for it! a trainwreck im still not actually satisfied with LMFAO. but it's better than the other 5 scrapped works. also not beta-read so fellas if u see a spelling error - no you didn't.

p.s: some mara-struck information i give here are totally fanmade for the purpose of this fic alone, as such don't take whatever i write about mara here as what actually happens canonically to characters (then again most of the playable characters have different symptoms of mara themselves).

"Benefactor, am I correct to believe you're asking me if the general has any specific interests?" Tingyun asks with a snicker, the trailblazer looking away from her prying eyes while mumbling a quiet yes.

"Some of the younger... Can I call them younger? Anyway, some of the younger Xianzhou citizens are very infatuated with the general. Seeing as I've been announced as his honory guest, they do often come and ask me various things to try and gain his favor. So yeah, anything at this point will work - so please!" the trailblazer hurriedly explained, clasping their hands together in a desperate attempt to get anything from the foxian amicassador leaning back with a quirked eyebrow.

"Ahh, love truly makes someone go blind doesn't it," she muses out loud, the trailblazers' eyebrow furrowing together in confusion over the foxian's lady choice of words, "... You're not entirerely wrong with that statement..."

"Do you want to know what his favorite flower is?" Tingyun asks, ignoring the confused question that had been uttered to her, snapping her fan open to hide the cheeky smile that spread across her lips - but anyone could still tell that her eyes were gleaming with mischief as the trailblazer nodded their head.

"He doesn't have one."

"Then why did you even-"

"But he likes ginkgo leaves."

The trailblazers' eyes widened in shock, and rightfully so because the very thing ginkgo leaves are associated with are after all...

"He had a lover once, and as far as I'm aware, his last moment with them while they still had their consciousness intact was surrounded by ginkgo leaves."

Jing Yuan whilst having forgotten almost every single moment with you, does unfortunately remember the exact details of the day that your descent into madness started. Because what he witnessed wasn't a futile struggle you had with yourself to not to destroy everything within your vicinity. Instead, he witnessed the slow process of your bright self becoming an empty shell, only capable of uttering a few words.

It's comical really, even when faced with a curse that struck everyone mad - he found out that it oddly fit your character to not go mad, but instead become the complete opposite of your gentle self. A hollow shell of the person he fell in love with all centuries ago.

Jing Yuan knew he had to end your suffering right then and there when you first started to show signs.

But he couldn't - This wasn't something that had to be immediately dealt with, his hand wasn't forced like it was back when he had to slay his own master down before she took more lives.

No, this was a normal afternoon on what would've been another normal, mundane day in both of your lives. But everything went wrong the moment Jing Yuan heard the breaking of glass, and how there was a lone gingko leaf inside the palm of your hand - a ginkgo leaf that you were staring wide-eyed at with a trembling hand.

You were too far from the veranda to have a ginkgo leaf in your hand.

General Jing Yuan would've ended your suffering the moment you turned around to lock eyes with him, your own face twisted into one of utter fear.

General Jing Yuan would've reported you the to Ten-Lords Commissions as the law had stated. But Jing Yuan couldn't - because Jing Yuan knew that the moment he did, he would never see you again.

So he decided for once he would be selfish. Jing Yuan rarely made choices lately that was based off of his own feelings, but his time with you was cut too harshly, so once again he chooses to be selfish. Even if that meant that it would prolong your suffering just a tiny bit more. "... We can figure something out," was the only thing he could muster up the courage to say with a shaking voice. You didn't say anything, your mouth wobbling a tiny bit and your breathing getting harsher by the second.

But still you indulged him - you always did. So with an equally wobbly smile, you only nodded your head slightly, "... Sure."

That wobbly smile and expression of utter fear was the last genuine expression that truly came from yourself.

The descent to becoming fully mara-struck is usually a fast process, the curse able to completely overtake someone's mind within the same day the symptoms appears - rendering the person completely vulnerable with the only alternative to either hand themselves in to the Ten-Lords or wait for the Ten-Lords to come to them personally.

Your usual easy-going smile was gone, in its stead was eyes that kept going in and out of focus. Almost as if you were desperately trying to keep yourself grounded - a battle you both knew would end with your defeat.

Jing Yuan didn't dare to venture outside of the house. One step out and every Cloud Knight would've been on you within seconds to subdue you. He had first initially resorted to just holding you within his arms for as long as he could, to be able to remember how you felt like after your death.

But with the minimal strength you had left, you had wobbled to the garden, every step taken only making you pant heavily. But even with heavy breaths of air leaving your lips, you had refused to take Jing Yuans hand or offer to even carry you out to the garden. When you had managed to reach the ginkgo tree standing tall at the center of the garden, Jing Yuan was sure you were going to collapse in front of it, taking a quick step to catch you.

But instead you had merely reached your hands up, the falling leaves fluttering gently down onto your palms. And while you were in indescriable pain for the last couple of hours - Jing Yuan could only see a serene expression when you looked up at the ginkgo leaves that were continously falling down.

"... They're beautiful... aren't they... Jing Yuan? It's almost a pity... that these beautiful... leaves are associated with our doom," you said softly. Jing Yuan could feel his breath hitch in his throat when you uttered his name.

You're obviously struggling to convey whatever thoughts you still had to him properly, taking a moment in between words to catch your breath, eyebrows furrowed slightly as you fought against the searing pain that was spreading through every nerve in your body.

There's a sudden gust of wind which causes the pile of leaves in your hands to flutter away from your grasp. Your hand stretches out slightly, almost in an attempt to reach out for them - stumbling a bit in your step. The limp causes Jing Yuan to take a quick step forward with his arms outstretched. Perhaps seeing him in your peripheral vision causes you to stop the futile attempt to catch the escaping leaves, arms going limp against your side as you turn to face him - your once blank expression turning into a somber smile instead.

Jing Yuan thinks that it's unfair how normal you look in front of him - almost as if you haven't been becme mara-struck. Like nothing has happened to you aside from the ginkgo leaves fluttering from your lips whenever you cough. The same cough that causes the general of Luofu to flinch every time - without fail.

And perhaps you can see his inner turmoil, the way he tries to make eye contact with you, but is unable to after a few seconds. The way his hands clench too hard into fist to the point droplets of blood fall down to the grass and stains it a deep red while he bites his own lips to not say a word - lest he says something that he will regret.

And you truly wish that you could tell him everything is okay like you usually do.

But for the first time since the day he lost his friends, you can't.

"... I'm sorry," you finally say, the apology making him whip his head up to you again. Mouth opening to say something to comfort you, to tell you that it's not your fault. But the words are unable to leave his mouth when he sees your arms slightly outstretched towards him with a small smile.

And he can't hold it in anymore.

It only takes him a few wide steps to reach you from his position before he cradles you within his arms. The grip is tight, unbearably tight to the point it hurts, but you don't complain. You're limp in his hold, and if this was any day he wouldn't comment, but the fact that you're not moving a single muscle terrifies Jing Yuan to the core. "... Please," he finally manages to whisper, the rustling of ginkgo leaves around you almost drowning out his quiet plea.

"Please don't make me do this again."

He doesn't ask if the tensing of your body is caused by the pain that's rapidly increasing or if it's caused by his silent confession. He can however feel the gentle hand that rests against the lower part of his back and your head resting against the side of his own. The reassurance you try to give him does nothing to help because he's aware that it probably brought you unmeasurable pain to try to move those limbs - instead the general buries his face closer to your neck and squeezes you tighter.

"... You won't." you whisper quietly.

It takes a moment for Jing Yuan to process the meaning behind those two words.

But it's a moment too late, because before he can get his phone out to usher a command, a few resounding knocks can be heard throughout the quiet mansion.

"General Jing Yuan. This is Xueyi of the Ten-Lords commission. I've gotten information that there's currently a mara-struck within these premises."

Jing Yuan feels his blood run cold, he pulls himself away from you to stare at you properly in disbelief.

You're still staring at him with the same somber expression, however he can tell there's a small pitiful smile grazing your lips, "I'm sorry," you whisper once again.

"I asked her... personally," you start, finally letting yourself rest now that the end is near, slumping down onto Jing Yuan's chest, your ear settling itself against his heart to hear his rapid heartbeats.

Jing Yuan loathes the fact that it's at this moment, with the Ten-Lords commission outside of your door and with him completely broken do you actually look at peace - like your battle against time has finally come to its conclusion.

And naturally, the one who lost is you.

"Half a day... with you. Then she would come and bring me there. You won't have to... do this again."

You're not able to see Jing Yuan's face - and Jing Yuan wouldn't want you to see how he looked like right now. The arms around you is trembling, his mind is racing - trying to come up with anything to give him a bit more time with you.

But for once, the general that had a plan for every situation had nothing in mind.

He's lost. And the prize of the loss this time is losing you forever.

"General, I apologize for the rudeness of what I'm about to do, but this is for both of your safety," Jing Yuan hear Xueyi mutter from outside of the door, before he hears the rattling of the door frame start to slide open.

"Wait- no," it's a quiet request that gets ignored as Xueyi strides in alone, the lack of company making Jing Yuan's eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"... Their last request along with the request for my late arrival here was for the Cloud Knights to not see you like this. Naturally I won't tell anyone of what I've seen today."

Jing Yuan doesn't care about that, he could care less about his image right now, pulling you closer to him while his eyes are downcast - he makes no move to hand you over to the judge.

The puppet judge before him does not say anything - nor does she make a move. What she does however is wait, wait for the general before her that has been utterly crushed and broken by the person in his arms start to accept the harsh truth once again.

If he doesn't handle the mara-struck himself, someone else would - but the end result only serves to punish him in the end, the one left behind.

Xueyi hears a silent breath be let out by the general, her once closed eyes opening up to see the general pull slightly away from you, one hand reaching up to cradle your cheek. Your eyes have long since closed, and you're most likely not even conscious to hear what he's about to say.

"My dear... I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. But I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit longer before we can meet again," he whispers, bumping his forehead against your own gently, "I hope you won't fault me for that."

A long ginkgo leaf flutters right between the two of you, eventually settling down on your chest.

Jing Yuan sucks in one last deep breath, "I'm sorry I kept you here for so long - I'm sorry you had to be in pain for so long because of me," he leans in to slot his lips one last time over your own, whispering something that Xueyi can't hear before he rises up, your body limp in his arms.

"Thank you for your service Miss Xueyi, please see them off appropiately." Jing Yuan says, voice sounding eerily calm - almost like his usual self.

When he turns around to finally face her, the puppet's lifeless eyes seem to grow a bit in surprise. Before her is the general of Luofu, his usual easy-going smile present on his lips.

Like he wasn't carrying his mara-struck lover in his arms.

"As much as I would want to accompany you to see them off, I'm afraid I have some urgent matters to attend to," he informs, handing your body over to Xueyi - she doesn't comment on how his hands are still slightly trembling or how he immediately turned a bit to the side to ignore staring at her head-on.

Even though Xueyi doesn't want to ask, she still asks either way, "What are your plans from here on, general?"

Jing Yuan only gives her a close eyed smile, turning his gaze towards the large ginkgo tree with his hands behind his back. He gnaws a tiny bit at his lips, finally breathing out.

A couple of seconds passes by before he opens his mouth.

"I think I'll meditate a bit under this tree before heading back to the Seat. I can't leave Luofu without me for too long after all."

5 SCRAPPED WORKS AND I'M STILL NOT ACTUALLY THAT SATISFIED BUT IF I KEEP THIS PIECE LONGER IN THE WORKS THE MORE I'LL BUTCHER IT SO HAHA - THIS IS THE BEST WE CAN DO AFTER 3 MONTHS OF CONSTANT BACK AND FORTH FELLAS. I HOPE IT SQUEEZED YOUR HEART A TINY BIT NONETHELESS.

#honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail x you #honkai star rail imagines #hsr x reader #hsr x you #hsr imagines #star rail x reader #star rail imagines #star rail x you #honkai star rail angst #jing yuan x reader #jing yuan x you #hsr jing yuan #jing yuan angst

[luvyeni]

Hellow. I was wondering if you can write this silly thing in my mind, Jay with a Chubby girlfriend, he's experienced and basically all the college girls recognize him as a sex God until he met her, she's virgin and insecure, like it actually took Jay a long time to gain her trust because she was thinking that it was impossible someone so popular and handsome like him liked some like her.

Here's my plot: all the girls have been talking about her and how fat and ugly she's making her even more insecure to the point that she push away Jay when he touched her like he usually does even just holding hands, especially when he holds her waist. But he's so in love with her that he just adores every single inch of her, reassuring her that no one is as beautiful as her, so he just kiss every inch of her making her first time so special and full of love and tears because I'm a cry insecure baby

Sorry for the long ask, literally i dreamed about this 🥺

FOREVER AND ALWAYS; PARK JEONGSEONG

pairings. boyfriend!jeongseong x fem!reader

wc. 1.9k

warnings. talks of weight, fatshaming, insecurities, oral (f. reader), unprotected sex, overstimulation, reader cries.

i hope it's like you dreamed💓! the bullying kind of made me sad since im a big girly myself, so i didn't add too much.

after finding out people have been saying horrible things about you, he's determined to show you how much he loves you.

—

"she's so shameless, if i was that fat i wouldn't wear such things." you frowned, looking down at the message wishing jay would hurry up. "yeah, jay is such a cute guy, he could get anyone he wants, i don't understand why he would date someone like her."

"it's probably a joke, it has to be."

you could hear them laughing at you , and they knew you could hear them. they knew because it was something you heard on a daily occurrence by people just like them.

"baby." jay ran over to you, kissing your cheek, noticing how you moved your face, but deciding to ignore it. "hey jay." the girls giggled flirtatiously. "hi." he turned back to smiling.

"my class got held up, im sorry, you ready to go home?" he went to grab your hand, something he always did when you'd walked back to your shared apartment near campus, so you could imagine his surprise when you brushed it away. "yeah, let's go."

jay was confused, it's been a while since you avoided his affection. when you started dated, jay had a reputation , that forbid you to trust him , being really standoffish , jay was much more experienced than you , actually you had no experience due to your insecurities. jay was aware of this , so he actually took the time to get to know you , and form a relationship with you , a year later and he didn't even care that you haven't had sex , he just wants to be around you all the time.

"let's stop and get some food to take home." he pointed to your favorite store. "i'm not hungry." jay was serious when it came to food though. "well then put in the fridge and eat it later, let's just get it now." he held the door open, letting you walk in.

"do you want the regular?" he stood behind you, his arm wrapping around your waist, kissing you lovingly. you felt eyes on you, and the chuckles, pushing his arm away. "get whatever jay." you went to go wait by the door, you didn't mean to sound so rude, but you really just wanted to go home.

jay couldn't even ask you what was wrong because he was next in line, and you had already put your headphone on, spaced out.

you walked the rest of the way in silence, headphones on as you finally made it to your apartment, taking your shoes off , making your way to your room, undressing out of your day clothes.

"wait, are we just not gonna talk about it." jay followed behind. "what are you talking about?" you searched through the drawer in your underwear and a tank top, looking for a pair of sweats.

"you've been acting weird the entire walk home, you've avoided my affection multiple times, you keep looking around to see if people are looking, what is it? what's wrong." you turned to him. "why are you still here?" he took a step back. "what."

"you can have anybody you want, there are girls lining up to have sex with you, they do it right in front of me so know, why are you here? what do you want from me? am i just a joke that you're stringing along for a laugh with your friends?" jay was stunned, even on your worst days, you've never snapped at him, and he could tell you didn't mean it either cause of the widening of your eyes.

"im so sorry, i didn't mean it." he was silent, just pulling you into a hug. "i'm sorry." he rubbed up and down your back. "it's okay." he whispered. "i know you didn't mean it." he could feel your shoulders shaking as you sniffled into his neck, your tears warm. "they're so mean." jay finally got what was bothering you , and he was pissed. how dare they make you feel like this, after everything he's done to make you feel secure, how dare they treat you like this.

"listen to me, there is no one as beautiful as you are, you understand me?" he looked at you with a serious face. "i don't want anyone else but you, and i will spend as long as i need to, to prove it to you love." he held your cheek in his hand, wiping the tears. "i love you okay?" you sniffled, nodding. "i love you too."

he kissed the apples of your cheeks. "my fools made my pretty baby feel bad about herself, they'll pay for this i swear." he kissed your lips. "my baby doesn't see how beautiful she is, but i do, she is the most beautiful person in the whole world." he kissed your neck. "i just love her so much." he said in between kissed. "j..jay." he shushed you. "let me show you baby just how beautiful i think you are." he backed you up against the bed, pushing you down softly.

"so so pretty." he climbed on top of you, continuing his assault on your neck. "j..jay, feels so good." you moaned. "yeah? does it?" he kissed down to your chest. "im gonna make you feel so good princess." his hand came up to grope your tits. "been waiting so long to feel these in my hand baby, so soft." you're back arched off the bed at the sensation. "so sensitive."

"t..they're too big." he lifted your shirt off your body, going back to squeezing them. "they're fucking perfect baby, i can't wait to fuck them, paint them with my cum." he licked a nipple. "jay f..fuck." you sighed, as he licked and sucked on your nipples, showing them each the same amount of love and affection, before he continued down to your tummy.

"your pretty tummy, love to touch. " his kisses were hot on your stomach. "made me feel really bad earlier, my pretty baby wouldn't let me touch her pretty tummy like i always do, it's my favorite thing, but she denied me." he was getting dangerously close to your underwear. "m..m'sorry." he gave your stomach one more kiss. "i know baby, you're gonna repay me by letting me eat your pretty pussy aren't you?" his words made your hips involuntarily buck up.

"y..yes." he slowly slid your panties down your legs, kissing up your legs, until he was face to face with your heat. "s.stop staring." you tried to close your legs, but he held them open. "sorry love, i can't help it, you're so pretty, everything about you is so pretty." he kissed the inside of your thighs. "i really want you to sit on my face." you whined, he looked up at you. "not right now." he nodded. "okay princess we don't have to, it's all about you." he gave your thighs a few more kisses, you could feel his breathing on your heat.

"jay please." you mewled trying to move your hips. "do something." he kissed your thighs one more time, before giving your cunt a surprise lick. "jay." your hands gripped the bedsheet. "taste so good baby." he gave your cunt a few kitten licks before eating you out like a starved man.

you've never felt something like this, the way he would switch between long stripes up your wet cunt, to little kitten licks, it had your head spinning. one particular lick had you grabbing his hair, grinding your cunt against his face. he moaned right into your heat, allowing you to use him to get yourself off.

"jay i feel- shit it feels so good." he could feel you gripping his hair a little harder, you about to cum. "go a head and cum pretty girl." you felt something build up in your abdomen, then snap. "im cumming!" jay continued licking your mess, riding out your high, until he felt your hips jerk from overstimulation. "j..jay."

"okay princess im done." he gave your clit one more kiss, before coming up, his lips glossed from your essence and spit. "you taste so good, i couldn't help it." his hand came down to his crotch, palming his hard on. "jay- we don't have to do anything right now, i just wanted to show you how much i love you."

you ignored him, replacing his hand with yours, rubbing him. "i want to, i'm ready." he groaned, hips bucking into your touch. "fuck- fine princess, i'll be gentle i swear." you trusted jay, you knew he wouldn't harm you. "i know you will." he climbed off of you, getting rid of all his clothes.

you never seen a cock before beside the videos, but his was probably the prettiest you've ever seen, he wasn't intimidatingly big; thick enough to make you feel good, veins decorated the sides all the way up to his dark red tip that had precum bubbling at the top, it made your mouth water.

"princess why are you staring so much?" he smirked, his thumb coming up to rub your clit. "p..pretty." he chuckled. "thank you love." he teased your hole with a finger. "so wet princess." he slowly slid his finger in. "gotta stretch you out a bit pretty, so it won't hurt as much." he slowly fingered you before pulling out.

"you ready beautiful?" you nodded. "please put it in jay." he bent down, kissing your lips, distracting you as he slowly pushed himself inside your hole. "j..jay." you moaned in pain and pleasure at the stretch. "i know love, i know." he slowly bottomed out inside you, letting out a low moan as you successfully took him hole. "pretty girl, you took all of me."

you were so tight, the way you clenched around him so tightly he knew he wasn't gonna last long, it had been a year since he had sex with anyone, forced to use his hand. "fuck baby, if i don't move now, im gonna cum just from your pretty pussing clenching around me." you moaned. "y..you can move." he pulled out, pushing himself inside you all at once this time. "f..fuck jay!" he began to thrust himself in and out of you.

"shit! princess you're so tight, so fucking wet."

his eyes were glued to your tits, the way they bounced along with every thrust. "so pretty baby, you're so fucking pretty— shit- i hate when you talk bad about yourself." you were a moaning mess. "you're so beautiful, you mean so much to me, you understand me." you nodded, but jay wanted to hear you.

"i said do *thrust* you *thrust* under *thrust* stand *thrust* me?" you felt the build up in your abdomen. "i..i understand." he kissed your lips. "i love you so much, don't forget that." you couldn't understand why, but you started to cry. "i..i love you too." he kissed your cheeks. "j..jay i'm gonna cum." he reached in between your bodies rubbing your clit. "cum for me pretty, go a head." you were a crying fucked out mess as you came on his cock. "shit!" he pulled out, fisting his cock before spilling all over your abused twitching hole.

you were still crying, overwhelmed by everything, jay pulled you into a hug, not caring about the sweat, or the smell of sex in the air, he only cared about you. "it's okay love, im right here." he rocked your body. "let it out."

he let you get yourself together before he helped you clean up, bringing you back to the bed. "don't go." he smiled, caressing your face. "i'll be right back." he said exiting the room. he returned back with the food you bought. "let's just eat in here tonight, i'll clean everything else later." you smiled as your boyfriend set everything up. "what is it?" he laughed. "i just love you so much." he kissed your lips, pulling away smiling.

"i told you, i'll always be here for you, i love you too, forever and always."

©️LUVYENI

#kpop x reader #kpop smut #enhypen headcanons #enhypen scenarios #enhypen smut #enhypen x reader #enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen hard hours #enhypen imagines #jay x reader #jay hard thoughts #jay hard hours #jay smut

[kindagayfish]

Hello friend!

Im new to the trigun family after watching Stampede and recently ive been on a Knives kick and i dont see much content about him x reader.

So i was wondering if we could get some headcanons about what would make Knives feel “those gross human feelings” (love, the need to protect,need for affection) for the reader, and how he would tell them or show them?

I just need some knives fluff! Boy needs and hug! If you dont wanna write that, thats totally fine!! Thank you!!

A/N: Knives is SUCH an interesting character and im literally so feral for him. This is very much stream-of-conscious writing and not proofread. It also turned out so much longer than I expected! I legit got so carried away so I hope you enjoy it!!

Also I feel like my thoughts/headcanons for Knives will always be constantly evolving because he's just such a complex character??? And I love it???

Contains: Hints of nsfw thoughts if you squint??, fluff I guess??, can knives even do fluff???, the slowest of slowburns for this man

So we know Knives does know what love feels like…sorta. He loves Vash, and wants to see a future where they can both live their lives without the fear of being used for what they are. However, that means killing every human left on the planet. So it’s a twisted kind of love…but he still cares in his own way.

I don’t think Knives would notice you right away. It won’t be some love-at-first-sight, omg this human was so nice to me thing. It will take A LOT of time. He has completely blocked himself off from anyone because of fear, and fear is an intense driving force.

Perhaps you’re involved in his grand scheme somehow; A scientist in a lab who has taken a special interest in the Plants. At first, you’re focused on finding a more sustainable way for them to be used…but then after witnessing one open itself up, showing a high level of intelligence, you change your studies to find a way for them to live beyond the confines of the glass tanks.

You’re aware of Knives. Aware that he’s what they call an Independent. And you take notes on him, studying any file that isn’t restricted from the ships that once roamed the universe.

Knives becomes aware of you rather quickly. It's hard to ignore the way your eyes follow his every move, jotting down your observations quickly into a notebook that never seems to leave your hands. At first he finds it irritating, having this human stalk him like a shadow. However, it was only when you caught him on a particularly bad day that he finally spoke to you.

"Get OUT." His voice was ice, sending a sharp tendral into your notebook, tearing it from your hands. You let out a pained yelp, though none of the blades touched had you, and ran out of the room.

After he's calmed down, curiosity gets the better of him, and Knives spends the rest of the evening reading through your notes.

The next day it's him that seeks you out. Knives finds you in a lab, placing your in-tact notebook on the table in front of you before stating that some of your observations were incorrect, which causes you to flush with embarrassment. He leaves immediately after, and upon inspecting your notebook, you find that he had crossed out some of your own notes, replacing it with the "correct" information.

Knives begins to tolerate your company. You're not as insufferable as the other humans, and he finds himself quite intrigued by how brave you've gotten around him ever since that day. But he continues to keep himself at a distance….for now.

So anyways as your "relationship" with Knives progresses:

Knives shows his love through acts of service and quality time. He allows you into his space; allows himself to lower his guard and try to understand these strange feelings he gets when around you. Although, again, this takes time.

He'll start to show interest in whatever experiments you're running, quietly observing from a respectable distance. It might even start to feel like you’re the one being studied from how intense his silent stare is (he is 100% memorizing everything about you).

The more time spent with you, the more possessive he becomes of this time...and just you in general.

Knives knows that you have to talk to others in order to do your job, but that doesn't mean he won't glare at them until they walk away. He prides himself on how his presence alone can clear a room so it can just be the two of you.

If you forget to eat, time getting away from you, Knives might sigh and fetch you something. Setting it down directly in front of you and making comments under his breath about how "humans are pathetic" and how you "can't even take care of yourself". You're like a pet, he tells himself...rationalizing why he would go out of his way to make sure you stay healthy.

Physical touch comes much later

Sometimes you'll feel him lean in from behind, gazing over your shoulder to gain a better view of what you're working on. Heat radiates off of his body, but he never brings himself to touch you. Knives finds it amusing at how flustered you get when he does this and likes to test your boundaries as well as his own. He’ll catch himself too often wondering how soft your skin would feel under his fingertips. It’s a disgusting thought, really. (he is so touch starved but will NOT allow himself to indulge in this innocent fantasy because he’s stubborn and has the biggest god complex)

But it eventually happens one evening when you hand him your notebook. All of his senses are ignited, the place where your fingers brushed against his hand burns throughout the night. Knives can't bring himself to admit he likes this feeling, at least not out loud.

Oh but does he crave it.

It's a thrill, an adrenaline rush, and strangely even more fulfilling than the feeling he gets when he takes a human life.

Starts as "accidental". Fingers colliding when reaching for the same thing, the back of his hand brushing against yours as you both walk, standing too close to you so that when you take a step back, you bump into his chest.

Soon he's grabbing your wrist to stop you from doing something stupid, placing a hand on the small of your back to guide you out of a room, even taking your hand in his, frowning at the fresh injury on your skin, but also burning up inside at the fact that his own hand swallows yours completely. That you're just so fragile. So human.

Knives is absolutely obsessed.

#millions knives x reader #knives millions #millions knives #millions knives headcanons #trigun stampede #trigun x reader #millions knives x you

[vashsmunch]

Where do we go from here? pt. 2 NSFW

Vash x GN Reader

Synopsis: basically, you and vash are roommates who met by him crawling up to your door injured one night, praying you wouldn't kill him. you treated his wounds and have basically been his personal nurse ever since, as he keeps doing dumb shit. but the entire time, you always wished it was something more.

Warnings: just nsfw LMAOAO | don't continue if you're under 16

A/N: im sorry for splitting it into three parts, i just want to get rid of this one before it sits in my drafts forever

─── · 。ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───  

"You're being serious, right? No games?"

Vash nodded his head firmly. A few long moments of silence passed between you two, both keenly aware of the tension being exchanged as your eyes met. This mood of vulnerability wasn't necessarily new with him, but the feeling of romanticism was. There were plenty of times the two of you had talked. Most of them were you asking him about his travels and what he's been through. Sometimes it was hard hearing about it; your heart would ache as he told you about the people he had inadvertently hurt and how he collected all his scars. When you would change his bandages, your fingers lingered a few seconds too long, slightly caressing the chunks of mended wounds scattered across his chest. Even now, you raised your hand to trace them, feeling his body shiver. 

There was something so irritating about how he refused to recognize his pain because he felt he didn't deserve it. More than anything, you wanted him to understand that it wasn't his fault, and now you finally had a chance to do so. You just needed to figure out how.

"I want you, Vash. I truly do. But I need you to understand something. If we do this, whatever this is, you can't hide from me. Not anymore," Your fingers trail up his collarbone and neck to cup his cheek gently, and he breathes a heavy sigh as he melts into your touch. "I'm so in love with you, and I don't think you fully understand that. I don't care how much you think you'll hurt me because there's a reason I let you into my house that night. You've pushed me away more times than I can count, and despite all that, I was waiting each time you came back. You don't have to love me back, not right now. All I ask is that you let yourself indulge. Stop treating me like some delicate porcelain doll, and show me all of you, even the parts you try so hard to ignore. Because when I say I want you, I want all of you." 

You paused, waiting for him to react; you hadn't expected yourself to confess so readily, but part of it was to prove your devotion. A wanted man with a bounty of sixty million double dollars on his head, and yet you were here on his lap, pleading for him to let you in. He was always keeping his distance, even when you practically hurled yourself at him. You just needed one chance, a singular moment, to show him that you meant all of it, that all the words weren't just on a whim. 

He was silent for a few seconds as if he was rewiring his entire brain to try and process what you had just said. After a bit, he responded in a low voice, looking down. "If I do that, I hope you know I'll never let you go. You would eternally be with me because I wouldn't be able to stand seeing you with anyone else. Is that really okay with you? To be all mine?" One of his hands slowly slid down your hips to rest on your thigh, gently squeezing the flesh. 

You let out a soft snort of disbelief as your fingers gripped his chin to pull his gaze toward yours. "After all I said, you're still asking me that? Shut up and take me, dumbass."

A smile immediately appeared on his face as he kissed you again; this time, it wasn't filled with regret and guilt. Instead, there was relief; you could practically feel the joy radiating off his body. For the first time, he was finally allowed to love and be loved with no strings attached. No betrayal around the corner, no sacrifices made, and you were more than happy to let him indulge in all of it and all of you.

He gently trailed his lips down your jaw, reaching the dip of your neck and softly kissing it. There was a slight suction noise and an ache where his mouth had been when he came back up to look at you. You snickered as you cupped the back of his head to pull him closer. "Marking your territory? You don't leave much to the imagination, huh?" His cheeks grew pink as he returned to peppering your skin with featherlight kisses, turning your giggles into quiet whines of pleasure. When he hit a sensitive spot, your hips ground against him out of reflex. 

He gasped, and you instantly pulled back, mortified at what you'd just done. "I'm so sorry, I just did it out of- We don't have to go there if you don't want to." You stumbled over your words as you clutched your face and turned away, wanting to die from embarrassment. 

Vash laughed softly as he raised his hands to pull your fingers away, trying to get you to look at him. "You know, when you said that you wanted to be mine, I was hoping that implied something more than just kissing," Your eyes grew wide, and he grinned at you, delighted with your reaction. He leaned in close again, whispering into your ear. "If you want to heal me, let me take care of you. Seeing you happy is the best medicine I could ever receive, angel." 

A whimper left your mouth as he reached down to hook a finger under your shirt, his eyes silently asking for permission. You nodded furiously, and instantly, your shirt was off, with him looking utterly mesmerized by your bare chest. His hands ran up your sides, tracing patterns into your skin as if trying to etch his devotion into you so you would never forget. You were a work of art, and he was the sculptor working tirelessly to carve the patterns of his love on your skin with everything he had. 

"God... I don't know what I did to deserve someone as beautiful as you, but I owe them one hell of a thank you." 

You blushed as you trailed your hands down his stomach, reaching the hem of his joggers. You tugged at them, needing them off. In your mind, none of this was even happening. It was all an illusion; maybe you had inhaled too much disinfectant fumes. But as he gave you a soft laugh and took your hand, everything solidified for you. Everything you had dreamt of, from the night you first met him on your porch, with that dumb smile of his and pathetic eyes, was real. 

He interlaced your fingers with his. "Hey, hey, none of that. You're always the one taking care of me, looking after my injuries. Tonight, I want to be the one who tends to your every need."

He hushed your whines of protest by peppering your chest with kisses, eventually reaching your nipple and tugging on it slightly with his teeth. Your lips released a soft moan as he flicked his tongue around it before sucking. Hands fist at his hair, trying to pull him closer, to get more of him, but he was irritatingly slow. As expected, he always played the flirt even when you could tell he wanted you as badly as you did him. He lays you down on the bed and lets out a hum as he begins to worship every part of you: your arms, chest, stomach, and finally... 

You hissed softly as his teeth grazed the lower part of your pelvis, biting the band to your underwear. Vash grinned up at you with that infuriating but endearing smile, well aware of how tired you were of his teasing. Huffing irritably, you swatted his chest. "You know, one would think that if you were that hungry for me, you would've fucked me already." His face suddenly turned into a flustered look of surprise. He wasn't expecting you to be so openly vulgar, and oddly, that aroused him even more. Without wasting another second, he pulled your pants and underwear off. A jolt of electricity flashed through your body as you felt his breath on heat of your sex, with him humming contentedly and spreading your legs. He was a little too enthusiastic, making you wonder if he had ever dreamt about you before this happened. 

He dragged a finger along the length of your heat, reveling in the soft hiss you let out. He would've prolonged it to tease you more if he really wanted to, but after restraining himself for so long, he was extremely impatient, and honestly, so were you. Without another moment, he dipped his head to taste you and what a fantastic flavor you were. He was careful to make sure every part of you was shown his complete adoration, that no spot was left untouched. Immediately, you were at his mercy, whining and whimpering as he devoured you like a man starved for weeks. He was so gentle, even in the heat of the moment; with every kiss and lick he placed upon your sex, Vash lovingly caressed your thighs, squeezing them softly to ensure you were comfortable with everything happening. It made your heart melt; despite all the betrayals and pain he's been through, he was doing his best to make up for lost time. And that kind of behavior deserved to be rewarded. 

You mustered the strength to sit up and take his face in your hand, making him gaze up at you. He looked, for lack of better words, completely fucked out. His lips were dripping with a mixture of your fluids and his saliva, and his eyes gleamed with a ravenous look that seemed utterly intent on making you his. Stifling another moan, you caress his cheek with your thumb. "I know you said you didn't want me to, but... please. I want to make you happy. That's the only thing I've ever desired," Your other hand trailed down his arm, tracing the curves of his bicep. "Will you let me do that for you?"

There were a few beats of silence as you watched his face contort to one of disappointment and hesitance. He never liked to have himself pleasured in any form. Even in the beginning, when he had first appeared at your doorstep, he looked utterly terrified. His eyes were full of fear, like he was ready to run away at any second. That carried over into the first few weeks of him letting you take care of his wounds. You had to harass him to let you bandage him, and it seemed like he would've been completely okay with just bleeding out instead of bothering you. Of course, as months passed, the two of you grew closer, but maybe he never made a move on you because he was afraid. Afraid of rejection and that the peaceful bubble he had created for himself with you would pop instantly the moment he reciprocated your adoration. You were determined to show him otherwise.

Finally, he slowly nodded, and you breathed a sigh of relief. But before you can stand up, he grips your thigh harder. "I need to tell you something, though. It's about..." He groaned and rolled his eyes in embarrassment, looking away from you. "My body isn't normal. I guess that's expected of someone who isn't human, right? But it's pretty... out there."

You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion, not really understanding what he meant. His scars weren't a secret. You had seen all of them before, including the ones on his legs. What else could there be that he would be so self-conscious about? Unless it was... wait.

"Vash, do you mean your..." You quickly glanced down to his crotch and back up at him, where a bright red blush was dusting his cheeks. "...It's different?" He nodded quickly as his grip on your leg became painfully tight as if he was scared you would move away from him. You weren't sure what you were expected, but you couldn't say you were surprised. As a PLANT, something was bound to be different with him. You just didn't expect it to be that. Still, it was intriguing. 

Curiosity won as you gripped his chin to return his gaze to yours, pressing your forehead against his. His posture softened as you whispered. "Let me see?"

He frowned, hesitant, but let you stand up and lay him down in your place. Your fingers trailed down his stomach as you felt him squirm, clearly anxious. Leaning down, your lips followed the same path as your hand, kissing every spot it touched. You got to his black joggers and immediately sensed something... different. A hand reached out and softly grabbed his bulge, and his hips jerked against you. He definitely wasn't concerned about size, that's for sure. It was almost too big, but amidst your stupor, you felt another buck. But this time, it wasn't from his hips. Startled but trying to keep your composure to not freak Vash out, you looked up. You waited until he gave you a nod of consent, and then you slowly pulled his pants down, wringing out a strained gasp from his lungs. 

Different wouldn't be enough of a descriptor for what he had. Beautiful? Exquisite would be more accurate. In the middle were petal-like folds resembling an orchid, marked with bluish-grey glyphs that glowed softly in the dimly lit room. As you traced a finger around the edges, they curved in and out, seemingly responding to your gentle touch. Vash twitched, inhaling sharply as you got to the shaft. Sprouting from the folds was what looked like an elongated rosebud, curving up towards his stomach and tapering at the tip. More patterns decorated the appendage, and ridges along the sides bent in on themselves like hooks to grip onto surfaces. It didn't take a genius to figure out what that was meant for. 

#trigun stampede #vash x reader #vash smut #trigun #vash x you

[sophieinwonderland]

i think i might have asked a similar question before, but would you consider dissociating so hard you can distinguish between the parts of yourself to be a form of plurality? like, im aware that ultimately its all just me, all parts of a whole, but its genuinley damaging to my mental health to think of myself as just one being. besides, since when did parts stop being parts just because they make up a whole? anyways, my therapist is very adamant that i dont have DID but she doesnt really get the nuances in plurality, so.

I think it could.

Plural is a label anyone is free to identify with.

Personally, my own criteria would require parts to have some degree of self-consciousness.

What I mean by this is that many people may have a figurative sort of conscience. A voice in their head that acts as the voice of compassion or justice, leading them to do the right thing. But usually this voice doesn't have a consistent perspective or sense of self.

It's just your voice in a different tone. What it says are your thoughts.

A singlet conscience will tell you the right thing to do. But a plural conscience will remember when you ignore it and have its feelings hurt because you don't listen.

It's why I consider Kronk with his shoulder angel and demon to be plural but not other shoulder angels and demons in media. They're individual agents who remember and keep score, with their own distinct personalities.

That's how I differentiate them anyway. Again though, plurality is open to anyone who feels plural for whatever reason.

#plural #plurality #pluralgang #endogenic #multiplicity #systems #system #plural system #pro endo #pro endogenic

[catgirlbussy]

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

l

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

#autism #autistic adult #autistic artist #autistic things #autistic community #autism spectrum disorder #neurodiversity #neurodivergence #neurodiverse #ADHD #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #bipolar disorder #bipolar #OCD #obsessive compulsive disorder #neurodivergent #neurotypical #;w; #im tired #also cant be fucked to fix the order kf these tags #long post #optimism #mental health #mental health support #mental health awareness #help #helping #idk what im doin witj thesentags goodnluck gamers

[aspd-culture]

aspd culture is : goes into the aspd tag. seems someone claiming house md, (guy whos dxd aspd in the show im pretty sure lol) is actually hyperempathic instead of lacking it and avoids patients due to too much empathy. like ok just avoid the whole boundary pushing / whatever else ok. alright thats enough of that *turns off internet* ive had enough of prosocials damn why do they think the only aspd symptom ever is lack of empathy. god

The amount of people who take *any* ASPD rep - including but not limited to House, this was also EXTREMELY common with Wednesday Addams, who is also diagnosed with ASPD in the show Wednesday - and call it "hyperempathetic autism" is... disgusting honestly. I'm autistic too and I get the desire to have representation from non-infantalized characters, I do, but the erasure of ASPD from the very few sources who intentionally make ASPD representation is not how we handle that.

And, as you mentioned, many people intentionally overlook, ignore, or try to explain away any "bad" behavior (see also: ASPD symptoms) because it pushes against their point.

People are just... so desperate to not admit that anyone they like had ASPD that they will directly ignore and speak over the media's direct acknowledgement of ASPD just so they can see us as monsters and still have permission to like that character.

PSA to prosocials, especially those with no other experience with cluster b treatment:

When the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist says the character "has antisocial traits" or "is antisocial", that's not a descriptor, nor does it mean they don't like people/avoid interaction with people. That's a medical professional using a different model of discussing a diagnosis with the patient by rephrasing it without the disorder attached. This is super common with ASPD because many pwASPD who are forced into treatment - like House and Wednesday - are resistant to admitting something is "wrong with them", so the professional will use the inital descriptor instead of the entire disorder name. In this case it's "antisocial" with the words personality disorder removed. It's also common to see in media happening for people with BPD, with the character being referred to as "having borderline traits" or "being borderline".

If the professional was referring to them or their traits as "asocial", then it would mean what you guys think it does - they avoid interaction, have a general dislike of socializing/social situations, and generally self-isolate. Antisocial and asocial are not the same, and while you can argue that anyone else in a show calling someone antisocial won't know the difference, their mental health professionals do. Evidently, House and the rest of the cast are also very aware in-canon of mental health, going by the DID episode which was done amazingly well imo. If House knows about Dissociative Identity Disorder, I assure you ASPD is not off of his radar. ASPD is significantly more prevalent than DID, with up to 4% of the US population having ASPD compared to 1% of the population having DID. While there is issues with under-diagnosis, those issues are the case with both disorders, so it's likely that the difference made by that would at most only slightly close the gap between the two. House also researches things purely based on the existence of stigma and/or lack of public knowledge on the subject, and frequently attempts to find out why he thinks and acts the way he does behind the scenes. If you google his symptoms, ASPD would be at least one of the things that comes up. So again, he is not misusing antisocial.

In fact, no one on House, MD would say antisocial where they meant asocial, as they are versed in psychology as a part of dealing with complex cases that have failed repeatedly to be diagnosed. That is shown constantly throughout the show. If you chose 3 episodes at random, I'm willing to bet at least one would show their experience in psychology as one of the team pushes the "it's just mental illness" angle.

All of this is to say that fuck prosocials endless refusal to actually acknowledge ASPD, both in likeable and notably unlikable characters!! Many of them HATE House, yet still can't admit he has ASPD. It's giving ableist, because it is ableist.

Plain text below the cut:

The amount of people who take *any* ASPD rep - including but not limited to House, this was also EXTREMELY common with Wednesday Addams, who is also diagnosed with ASPD in the show Wednesday - and call it "hyperempathetic autism" is... disgusting honestly. I'm autistic too and I get the desire to have representation from non-infantalized characters, I do, but the erasure of ASPD from the very few sources who intentionally make ASPD representation is not how we handle that.

And, as you mentioned, many people intentionally overlook, ignore, or try to explain away any "bad" behavior (see also: ASPD symptoms) because it pushes against their point.

People are just... so desperate to not admit that anyone they like had ASPD that they will directly ignore and speak over the media's direct acknowledgement of ASPD just so they can see us as monsters and still have permission to like that character.

PSA to prosocials, especially those with no other experience with cluster b treatment:

When the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist says the character "has antisocial traits" or "is antisocial", that's not a descriptor, nor does it mean they don't like people/avoid interaction with people. That's a medical professional using a different model of discussing a diagnosis with the patient by rephrasing it without the disorder attached. This is super common with ASPD because many pwASPD who are forced into treatment - like House and Wednesday - are resistant to admitting something is "wrong with them", so the professional will use the inital descriptor instead of the entire disorder name. In this case it's "antisocial" with the words personality disorder removed. It's also common to see in media happening for people with BPD, with the character being referred to as "having borderline traits" or "being borderline".

If the professional was referring to them or their traits as "asocial", then it would mean what you guys think it does - they avoid interaction, have a general dislike of socializing/social situations, and generally self-isolate. Antisocial and asocial are not the same, and while you can argue that anyone else in a show calling someone antisocial won't know the difference, their mental health professionals do. Evidently, House and the rest of the cast are also very aware in-canon of mental health, going by the DID episode which was done amazingly well imo. If House knows about Dissociative Identity Disorder, I assure you ASPD is not off of his radar. ASPD is significantly more prevalent than DID, with up to 4% of the US population having ASPD compared to 1% of the population having DID. While there is issues with under-diagnosis, those issues are the case with both disorders, so it's likely that the difference made by that would at most only slightly close the gap between the two. House also researches things purely based on the existence of stigma and/or lack of public knowledge on the subject, and frequently attempts to find out why he thinks and acts the way he does behind the scenes. If you google his symptoms, ASPD would be at least one of the things that comes up. So again, he is not misusing antisocial.

In fact, no one on House, MD would say antisocial where they meant asocial, as they are versed in psychology as a part of dealing with complex cases that have failed repeatedly to be diagnosed. That is shown constantly throughout the show. If you chose 3 episodes at random, I'm willing to bet at least one would show their experience in psychology as one of the team pushes the "it's just mental illness" angle.

All of this is to say that fuck prosocials endless refusal to actually acknowledge ASPD, both in likeable and notably unlikable characters!! Many of them HATE House, yet still can't admit he has ASPD. It's giving ableist, because it is ableist.

#have been having a lot of issues with spoons to go through asks but you activated my special interest trap card #/pos btw #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #aspd representation #house md #gregory house #house md spoilers #house spoilers #dr greg house #house #anons welcome

[queenimmadolla]

alrighty, this fucking sucks to type because I hate having to address anything like this on here when this blog was made to dump my fangirl thoughts and fics into and talk to others with the same interest in it as me, not nearly anything serious. i thought it was me being and acting like an adult, and I’m sure im gonna regret this (not for the reason one would think, but because I’m aware a large majority of tumblr users are—for lack of better words and a more commonly known term—perpetually online) but it appears more so like we have a heavy bystander effect going on, and yes, I can unfortunately admit I was a part of that. look the other way, right?

why the heck are so many people deleting their accounts, and why are so many other people afraid to talk about it? I get it, maybe one person deleting isn’t concerning, maybe they needed a break. but two, three, all in the span of like two days and somehow everyone is afraid and anxious to talk about why?

that’s not normal my friends, that is like the Voldemort effect, don’t speak of it or bad things will happen. what’s going on? this fandom is starting to seem more and more unfriendly and policed, which is completely ridiculous given how acceptance, friendship and differences are the heart of the show.

I’m not gonna lie and say I haven’t seen or heard things because whether anyone likes it or not, shit shows up on other people’s dashes even if it isn’t tagged, depending on who interacts with it. I’m not gonna say anything further on that, people hate context here and I’m not about to be attacked by anons who developed Main Character syndrome, all I’m simply going to ask is can we all just stop and go back to posting content, reblogging it, liking it, IGNORING IT IF WE DO NOT LIKE IT, and letting others live? talk to the people you like, make friends, I’m so happy for you if you can but if you can’t and you come across someone you don’t like, simply leave them alone. don’t encourage hate, definitely discourage it if you can, but standing around and saying/doing nothing is making this place unbearable. I am too fucking old for this. feels like I’m in high school all over again and every freaking clique is fighting and i’m tryna address it without having my high school peers rip me to shreds in their group chats.

it’s easy for people to leave at the drop of a hat because I promise you it’s probably been on there minds for a while now. and they’ve reached a snapping point, which is so unfortunate. It’s not the fics I care about losing (yes, I appreciated them and loved them), it’s the people who wrote them I care about more. so whatever this is, let’s stop it, yeah?

this isn’t a call-out post (and if you feel called out, sorry, but also why do you feel that way???) this is a please let’s just put a fucking end to this post. it’s ridiculous. we write fucking fanfiction about people who don’t exist. there’s no reason to be making people who do exist feel like they can’t do so in this space.

thanks for reading!

🩷 vivi

#reblogs are allowed #with some very tough love

[betaoctillery]

i dont follow ppl that dont support mspec lesbians btw. not only is it bullshit gender/sexuality policing but its ahistorical as shit when bisexuals & lesbians were almost indisguishable from one another until a very specific point in the 1970s when terfs and political lesbians began dividing the community by excluding anyone who had ANY association to perceived masculinity, which included trans women (bcus terfs thought of them as men), bi women for sleeping with men, butches for expressing masculinity, and women of color for racist reasons which posited that they arent feminine/women bcus many dont look/act/talk exactly like cis/het white women.

at any rate, the current accepted definition for the term lesbian is inherently bisexual! everyone says it means “attraction to women and nonbinary ppl” (which is nb-phobic outright ANYWAYS by lumping ALL nonbinary ppl with women -- this is what ppl are criticizing when they say we’re treated as “women-lite”) so if youre not being a nb-phobic asshat, you then have to acknowledge that woman and nonbinary are different genders, thereby making lesbianism a fundamentally bisexual identity as it includes to attraction to two or more genders. 

like think critically for a moment. what about a bigender lesbian who feels like they are both a man and a woman? do you personally get to decide, do you personally get to have the authority, to choose which identity of theirs to suppress in order to cram them into one specific neat little box? whichever way you try to pigeonhole them, youre promoting gender binarism, which is nb-phobic. trying to cut up and divide ppl’s identities like nations erecting borders is dehumanizing. 

another aspect of this issue ive noticed is that almost every single person ive met who self-identifies as a bi or mspec lesbian is trans or nonbinary. they often have complicated relationships to gender and sexuality that sweeping statements like “lesbians cant like men!!!” end up erasing their experiences. ive seen ppl claim its a term used by cis women to describe sleeping with trans women and i cant stress enough how in all the reading and research ive done on bi lesbianism that ive never once seen that cited as a definition or something having been done in practice. its literally just ignorant teenagers or young adults in their early 20s who know nothing about their community’s culture or history talking straight out of their asses. and if there are ppl who do this, theyre extreme outliers and its disingenous to act like mspec lesbians would defend such a level of transphobia when, again, most mspec lesbians are transgender themselves and are well aware that this division occured bcus of terfs.

read queer history yall. for the love of whatever you consider sacred and holy in this world pls fucking read queer history. dont get all of your information off of social media, random unsourced carrds made by teenagers who obviously dont make an effort to learn about their own community, and bad faith internet debaters who make conclusions drawn off what amounts to nothing more than “vibes” essentially. these people have really big loud mouths, but theyre simply wrong. material history will never agree with them. 

throughout history, bi and lesbian have more or less meant and were treated as the same thing, including both women who exclusively were attracted to other women AS WELL AS women who were attracted to both women and men.

and until a single exclusionist can provide sources that can prove that 70′s lesbian separatism wasn’t a huge, well documented movement that resulted in much of the exclusionary attitudes and its effects we see even today, im just gonna continue to laugh at how childishly they cover their ears and go “la la la la” when presented with verifiable and cited evidence that this happened.

#bi lesbian #mspec lesbian #nonbinary #nonbinaryphobia #queer history

[atalana]

so we all know im a fan of all of the endless, i love disaster family dynamics, and of all of them delirium's my favourite

but desire's the one i have an essay pending in my brain for, because they fascinate me (mostly spoiler free, for show fans, but with insights into desire’s character we don’t get in the show)

like, the netflix adaptation is taken pretty much word for word from the comics, it’s astonishingly faithful, but there are the occasional added or retracted scenes, or narration that gets left out

and one of those with the doll’s house plot is the tv show doesn’t really cover why the doll’s house is relevant? but it’s something that rose wonders, after all she’s been through, are humans just the dolls of greater forces, like the endless? how much control does anyone really have over their own life?

and then we get to the last part of that story arc, the end of episode 10 in the show, where dream visits desire to confront them about their plot with unity and rose. which again, pretty word for word from the comics. but then, once dream leaves, we get this

(as a point of clarification, desire used mostly it/its pronouns in the 80s, but neil gaiman's said he changed them to they/them for the show bc that's a better reflection of their identity in 2022)

and it’s the most, fragile, we’ve ever seen desire be? so many of the endless are so close to breaking, death at least got over her troubles and is okay now, but dream spiralling slowly downwards (fully aware of it, but not saying anything to anyone) is his entire story, destruction left because he couldn’t handle the pressure of it, and delight straight up did break, and became delirium

and desire’s right up there with the worst of them (they and dream are so alike, except where it really counts), but desire deals with it by lying to themselves. lying to themselves about who they are, lying to themselves about their place in the world, and most ironically - lying to themselves about what they want

desire is literally created out of the desires of every living thing, they're aware of every desire anyone has ever had - except their own

many of their plots against dream would straight up get dream killed if they were to work, and they think that's what they want, but in a very megamind kinda way, desire doesn’t actually believe they’ll ever win. it’s part of why dream infuriates them so much, but it’s also a safety net, they can do whatever they like to dream and it won’t have real consequences, how could it? dream’s powerful enough he’ll always find a way out of it somehow, and in the meantime maybe he’ll stop being so condescending

and, again trying to avoid major spoilers, but there’s one more moment that’s really striking for me, and it’s when something happens that wasn’t desire’s doing, but mimics one of their old plans, and could be really bad news for dream, there’s no telling what will happen from then on. and despair returns to her own realm to find desire waiting for her, needing to talk. and at the end of it we get this exchange:

Despair: It was not of your doing.

Desire: True. But it was what I wanted.

Despair: So you’re happy?

Desire: No. I’m scared.

like, they care! it's constantly ignored or suppressed or forgotten about, but they do!

they think they hate dream and they think they’re in full control of everyone and everything and all of it is a lie, what they really want is for things to stay the same

but for them to remain desire, they can’t admit that to themselves

#me poking all of the endless with a stick: i want to study you like a bug #the sandman #desire of the endless

[angelsandarsenic]

I would just like to say that Benchtrio has a LOT of untapped villain potential

We always always see them as the protagonists, so that typically makes them the hero. We know they're definitely a bit morally grey and very chaotic, but they always end up as the heroes when frankly, I think it's more likely that they'd actually become villains.

Ranboo-- Obviously the whole "no sides, only people" thing easily makes him very likely to turn "bad". There's so much more greyness with him than anyone else, especially in the SMP everything is way more complicated than just picking sides. Even if he knew he was more of the villain than a hero, I don't think he'd acknowledge it, he’s just protecting what he cares about.

However, I think he's the least likely to become a villain on his own. He's a good guy at heart, SMP and everywhere else, he's just willing to ignore it for the sake of the people he cares about. If he was gonna be a villain there would have to be some else as the reason he's doing it, whether they're involved as well or forcing his hand somehow.

Once he does it though, he will put his all into it. Whatever side, whatever reason, he follows through all the way and doesn't take any shortcuts. He's surprisingly ruthless and creative that's what makes him a good villain.

Tubbo-- Tubbo is perhaps less likely to turn villain than Ranboo, but he absolutely would given the right motivation. He's overall more mature than the other two and has more awareness of moral "right" and "wrong", which is why he doesn’t do whatever he wants on a whim, just what he can probably get away with. He’s a villain in a hero’s mind or a hero with villainous tendencies. Vigilantism I think is the best/most natural path for him OR he break out of societal expectations of goodness completely and gives no shits. When he turns villain, he knows exactly what he's doing to people.

The maturity and moral compass is what makes him the well established mom friend (because the rest will just wreak havoc on the world and themselves otherwise. Someone has to be the responsible one) and that's what would be used to push him over the edge. Similar to Ranboo, Tubbo would need someone else to either be in danger somehow or also doing the villain thing to make him switch sides. Once he does though, he finds that he likes it a lot more than he ever liked being good. And he's great at it. He has plans and contingencies and even nukes to fall back on if he must, but he knows he doesn't have to reveal his whole hand yet.

I also think that brain damage from explosions/experimenting could be a good turning point for him. Either pretty much right away, or slowly, (possibly trying to fix his body/mind) doing worse things until he realizes he's turned into the bad guy and doesn't want to stop. (Can you tell I love prosthetic/scarred/explosion damage Tubbo?)

Tommy-- Tommy is BY FAR the most likely to turn into a villain and it's frankly astounding he's always the hero, but like I said, Protagonist things. He would be a fun character to use for one of those stories where throughout the book we slowly realize the protag is actually also the villain. Anyway, it's ironically what makes him an entertaining protagonist that makes him the best and entertaining villain. He's bold and sunshiney and extremely chaotic no matter what he's doing, but most of all, he's ambitious. I don't watch a lot of Tommy streams and I admittedly wasn't as engaged with his lore (Im a Techno main) but when he wants something, he'll do anything to get it (primary example being the disc war and all related).

Tommy doesn't think before he acts. Even when he does, he doesn't think and in most cases doesn't care about how it will affect other people. When he wants it badly enough, that even applies to his friends, as we see sometimes in the SMP. He won't acknowledge that he's the villain, especially if his friends are doing it too, but he's the most likely to royally fuck things up for everyone else. TUMOASD Tommy is the best example of this--he runs around, shooting people and very easily crossing the line between good and bad whenever he feels like. He's incredibly likable, yes, but it doesn't matter to him whether he's a "good guy" or a "bad guy" and he'll always think he's in the right. Furthermore, Tommy isn't as mature as the other two and is willing to go to much more extreme lengths over more trivial things. I think it should also be noted that Tommy is spontaneous (tho we know that), gets incredibly jealous, almost to the point of possessiveness and more physical than other characters/people—as someone mentioned, he uses /hug when others do not, but that physical nature could go either way. oh also Tommy does so much evil laughing and he sounds like a deranged fucking jackal and when he’s standing over you with bloody fists or a baseball bat (I specifically think he would prefer blunt objects or small knives) he’s absolutely terrifying.

They would all be very different types of villains and when put together, very dangerous. The best part is that I think they would still work well together because they cover all the bases—planning and strategy and follow through, ruthlessness and actually getting your hands dirty and the willingness to hurt people.

What will almost inevitably happen, is that Tommy goes villain, and that's the trigger for the other two to follow. Or, it would be fun to see them meet and team up after already becoming villains. However, any way that it’s done, I just think we need more villain benchtrio.

#bench trio #dream smp #villain benchtrio #villain dream smp #tommyinnit #tubbo #ranboo #villain Tommyinnit #villain Tubbo #villain Ranboo #mcyt headcanons #dream smp headcanons #Tommyinnit’s Unbeatable Meathod of Avoiding Sudden Death #tumoasd #i just think they're neat #dream smp fanfiction #character analysis #dsmp au #villain au #dsmp fanfic #disc war #benchtrio headcanons #tommyinnit headcanon #tubbo headcanon #ranboo headcanon #nukes #tubbo nukes

[notetosunshine]

too self aware

every possibility has been thought of in my mind.

"I think my friends hate me"

You have all right to be upset. But it could just be your bipolar depression. Maybe you're having an episode. Remember the things your friends have done for you? How could they hate you? Or what if they're only keeping you around because you're funny? You bring more burdens than benefits. They're not like that though. Like lets be real, no one does what they do for you to people they dont like. But what if people thought those things before they found out their friends hated them? youre not unique. if you were pretty you wouldnt feel this way. how would they treat you if you were pretty? what would they say? would things change would i change and they hate me for it? this is all just chatter in your brain and you dont actually believe any of this. but what if some of it is true? do you think they really care? how do i console them? i dont know how to be a good friend. Another reason as to why they may hate you. they dont hate you. they even like you. will we even last forever? would they cry if i killed myself? youre being dramatic. youre making yourself upset. you dont believe any of those things and once your level headed you'd realize how it doesn't even make sense. stop overthinking. but you can never know anyones true intentions. you hear people put up with people they hate and kill them in the end or cheat on them or ghost them. they were friends with them for so long and finally had enough. when will they have enough of you? youre disposable. when the friendship breaks apart where will you go? no one wants to talk to you outside of a groupchat. how come? no one asks you questions or comes to you for advice because youre useless. you should literally like so hashtag kill yourself but like dont. im so tired. i dont understand anything. what if you just stop talking to them? maybe give them another petty stupid test and get mad when they stop asking or caring and then drag it out further, ignore them for longer until they cave in and check on you and then your sick little mind gets affirmed and you talk to them again. boy who cried wolf. loveed that movie. yeah anyways your friends dont hate you. they may hate each other though. but whatever. thats another days panic.

#overthinking #idk what to call this

[sapphic-enigma]

Full disclosure I'm loving this arc because I feed on angst, but yeah anyone thinking that Mio et. al. are making an objectively good choice or even the best of a bunch of bad choices is gonna be in for a treat. And I'm looking forward to when Mio at least has to apologize and beg for her forgiveness.

Like, I'm not complaining about the writing - the choices are bad in a way that makes *sense* for the characters and it's a good direction for the narrative and their development to go. Miorine is not really emotionally fluent and also dangerously naive (oh yeah, I'm sure the daughter of the president of the company that's oppressing them will have *no trouble* calming some riots along with totally-unarmed Aerial which she's seen turn someone into red paste with a slap). Guel seems to be aware it's not going to work but is following along for his company. Eri and Prospera care about their plan first and foremost.

But like, even ignoring that what they did is a recipe for crushing someone's psyche, the school they're sending her back to is a nexus of both the political fight, the earth-space conflict, and whatever Quiet Zero will do. There was a terrorist attack a few episodes ago where a student died, and her only friends are earth house. Who are discriminated against, have been actively bullied, and were arrested on suspicion of said terrorist attack *recently*. Shes now not really important enough for people to want to use as a pawn in their schemes, sure. But neither were Seethia or Jubeju and it didn't stop them from becoming collateral damage.

Exactly, like I know the choices they're making make sense for their characters, it just pisses me off. Thats how I know its good writing because I have a strong emotional attachment to the story and the characters.

It's just infuriating to watch because I hate that Suletta has to deal with all of this bullshit because she's being used as a pawn or an excuse for other people's low emotional iq.

So far the story has been great. I hope they do make Miorine do something extravagant to apologize and make up with Suletta [im assuming this has a manga but I haven't read it if it does] because if not I'm be salty.

I really like the characters even if they piss me off with their ridiculous choices because they've been fleshed out in a way that makes it easy to believe they would do those things, and think its a good choice when its clearly not.

I can't wait to see how that earth mission goes sideways because that's going to be a crazy episode, especially since they left Suletta behind. When she gets back to school [if they don't find a reason for Suletta to follow them to earth] she's going to be a mess. I'm sure since the riots on earth are getting worse the bullying is going to be amped up x100. [Personally i think nika is going to have something to do with Suletta going to earth since she's been getting low screentime the last few episodes]

I have love hate relationship with angst driven plots. On the one hand its good story telling but on the other hand my heart can't take it and i get sad/angry. I just hope they don't end this season on a cliffhanger before miorine and Suletta talk.

#anon ask #the witch from mercury #suletta mercury #anime

[petefromarma]

You can (and should) laugh at me for this, but am I the only one who prefers that the band hasn't said anything about gaza because I'm lowkey terrified I wouldn't like what I hear if they did? Like I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Andy was part of a fundraiser for the palestinian children's relief fund because it was semi-solid evidence that the other guys felt similarly but it's still not concrete evidence, and if any of them had opinions more in line with Gabe's it would both break my heart and absolutely ruin the fandom for me, and I can't change how they feel so I would rather just not know, and I am absolutely aware that makes me a coward but I was also too cowardly to ask my immediate family what they thought for MONTHS even though I was 90% sure they would agree with me and I have not said a DAMN thing at work either because I really don't trust my coworkers. I KNOW its awful and cowardly, but if (just in case) their opinions are bad I just dont want to fucking hear them. (This is stupid and you dont have to publish it btw, I dont even know what im trying to accomplish here besides process a feeling I've been having this whole time and feel guilty about HAVING, let alone expressing.)

putting this under a read more bc it’s long

so let me preface this by saying that i am not under the impression that fob minus andy are active zionists or anything as they have not given me a reason to believe such a thing; that being said, i think that at this point, at their level of celebrity, that silence is complicity, to a degree. this can be said for anyone with a platform who has not spoken up, at this point. and imo pete’s silence plus him/his family still being close with biden is already not…great. he should have experienced far more backlash than he did from the fandom for attending that white house party; people let up on him because he deleted the post which as i’ve said before was the right thing to do but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he did go.

gabe rightfully got his ass handed to him and ik everyone has different levels of what they’ll tolerate, but to me the white house incident was pretty fucking bad and i was surprised no one came for pete even half as hard. i understand the bidens are his family friends or whatever but at this point it cannot be ignored that the man himself is a genocidaire. so.

anyway i understand your anxiety, i think it’s normal to be upset at the thought that the individuals responsible for something you’ve invested a large amount of your life in are not good people. regardless, and i hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but i would suggest trying to come to terms with the possibility that the other three maybe do not have the best or most correct opinions re palestine; i don’t think any of them, as i said, have actively horrific beliefs, but to me their passiveness (as well as pete’s continued involvement with the bidens) is itself a moral failing.

idk there’s a lot to be said on this topic re complicity and celebrities in general but that would be too much for me to get in to tonight. i think it’s also necessary to remember that this is far bigger than fob which is part of why i was saying i don’t understand why we’re not flooding their insta comments since most of foblr seems to be involved with pro palestinian initiatives to some degree. idk i suppose it can be argued that swifties are just “badly behaved” or whatever but like i said i see a good amount of them every day mentioning that she STILL hasn’t said anything and i feel like we could be doing the same not just with fob but with other bands in the scene like mcr.

anyway re also the stuff in your personal life; i think knowing how to phrase things to people who are not within the leftist sphere who have been propagandized to all of their lives is also an important part of activism and you don’t necessarily have to go full throttle all at once. if you need resources let me know and i’ll find you some

[goldendusk-if]

ohhhh im in love w this concept! excited! can we know some more about the parents?

Aww thanks for expressing interest!

Sure, of course! I'll share some facts and maybe a little scene with the both them....♡{Plus, I'm going to try to get out character profiles by next week of some of the characters!}

~~~

Meeina Unan-

She's your loving albeit rather stressed and secretive mother. As a single mother in a world that isn't kind to women without husbands and with children she struggles with dealing with the villagers but, stays strong and stands her ground. Despite this, she's made an effort to raiseyou with a loving and safe childhood. It's a challenge because Mc doesn't look Anduli (Andus people). Mc are aware that she keeps a lot of secrets from Mc, and she tends to ignore it when Mc ask about her family. As long as Mc and she are alive and nothing slips through the cracks about Mc's bloodline and her past, things will be fine. Right?

She takes whatever job she can get her hands off as you both live in a...less than ideal situation. She's good at embroidery and is more educated tham one might think of a village woman. Her cooking isn't half-bad and manages to keep civil relationships with the villagers although you guys are considered outsiders. {P.S. - she often spends her freetime either with Mc or looking through a wooden box reading letters}

Nuhas Raiman-

He's the mysterious father that Mc doesn't learn about 'till he's 18 years old. According to Meeina he's a powerful military & religious figure in Nadripur. And he knows about the Mc's existence and apparently regularly asks about the well being of both the Mc and Meeina. How? Through letters.

He is known to be influencial and powerful so, he's mega-rich from both his own acievements and being born a low noble. He's used to eating dried food and sleeping under the stars/straw mattresses since he's actively on the battlefield. He often spends his freetime {when he's away from anyone else who might see} writing letters.

{Just a side note Mc'sparents did meet BEFORE the war so, they were able to meet secretly.}

"Meeina? Is...that you?" curiously the young man steps out to the figure sitting behind the tree.

He goes closer when he gets no response and hears light breathing instead. A small smile appeared on his face, a rare sight to see indeed.

It was her, his beloved. Nobody else at this boring and stuffy banquet would be caught sleeping outside behind a tree.

Plus, he recognized her light breathing from the many times he's caught her sleeping outside whenever they happened to meet. The time difference between Andus and Nadripur is quite different after all.

He's turns around the tree and sees the delicate face of his beloved gracefully sitting under the tree in a pretty light blue dress asleep. His face flushed at the sight of her. Her beauty had always caught him off guard as if he would never be able to get used to it.

He silently went to her side...still at a respectable distance, he wouldn't dare to even have the slight chance of disgracing her. She deserves more than he could ever be, she's leagues above him after all.

Plus, it wouldn't ever work out. He's Nadrian and she's Anduli, he's content enough to see her by chance like this...right?

He crouches down and just sits there mesmerized by her, his smile widening just a tad with his head against his hand. And it's like that for a while.

~~~

"Nuhas...?" a soft half-asleep feminine voice breaks him out of the trance as he sees his beloved opening her eyes and greeting him with a dreamy smile

. And his heart starts beating rapidly as he keeps the blush off his face and just nods at her in reply.

"Oh, it is you! I didn't think I'd see you here...Well, I suppose I shoukld've since we are in Nadripur-" she giggles and straightens herself up as she begins chatting off kindly.

As always he seems at a loss for words and just nods his head a couple times and comments every now and then letting himself enjoy her company.

Although, he's sure that she could never be his and they shouldn't ever be together given their status difference and the hostility between the two countries...he couldn't help it.

For he was already hers. He had given his heart to her and she hadn't a clue back then.

{I hope this was good enough! It went...way longer than I expected and the desc. are vague since the Profile's will have more than enough information about them I think. I had fun writing this though, I hope you guys enjoyed it!}

#goldendusk #meeina unan #nuhas raiman #parents #ask #♡

[st5lker]

wild half-thought out rant since at this point im not seeing anyone on tumblr talk about this its more of a tiktok discourse thing but as someone who is gay the whole "genital preference" discourse and the way it comes from people who arent even outwardly transphobic or trans exclusionary is pretty wild to me. i can only talk about this while getting into tmi territory sorry so the rest is under a readmore

its usually transmascs especially younger ones propagating the whole idea that "its not transphobic to have genital preferences i wouldnt be offended if someone didnt want to sleep with me bc im afab" and even ignoring the way that that completely ignores how different this entire situation is for trans women, as a gay person who is very aware of and comfortable in what i am and am not attracted to it just doesnt ever make any sense to me. like i am attracted to men. point blank and period. im attracted to things that register as masculine or a feature of a man in my mind.

but like. i get the idea of where theyre coming from in that attraction is an instinctual reaction or whatever but like, sure im not "attracted" to vaginas in the sense that im not turned on by a picture of one and yes sometimes the idea of getting up close with one turns me off. but believe it or not i am still attracted to trans men and would still have sex with one because i register them as men? and in the same sense like, yeah im usually attracted to an isolated picture of a penis but like that usually comes with the idea in my mind that its attached to a man. looking at a trans woman's penis when im aware its a trans woman gives me the same hormonal reaction that looking at a cis woman's vagina does, in that... its nothing. because my mind registers that as a body part belonging to a woman. a person's genitals are one tiny part of their body and if thats the ONLY thing you can focus on when youre attracted to somebody then i really have to wonder if youre attracted to people or if you just see partners as like... sex toys with extra baggage attached

like i kind of get where theyre coming from, my brain is hardwired towards amab genitalia, but its also hardwired towards a lot of things other things too LMAO. its not like i have any particular inclination to get close and focus on afab genitalia the way i might with others but like... that doesnt mean its impossible to interact sexually with a trans man or even their genitals yknow. there are lots of ways to have sex. and like, is that to say im attracted to every single trans man or every one of them ticks the boxes that make me attracted to someone? no of course not but im far from attracted to every cis man either LOL. there are plenty of cis men who are far less attractive to me than the majority of trans men on testosterone lol and thats not even always about them being 'ugly' as much as it is them not being my type.

there are so many arguments people make about how alll trans peoples bodies are different and how you dont have to interact with trans genials and all that and while all of that is true and i just mentioned some of it i think honestly the core of the matter comes down to this: in most cases we are attracted to gender, not sex, and so we're attracted to the things that our brain pattern recognizes as matching with our orientation. and contrary to what a lot of transphobes believe if you are not actively trying to remind yourself of a trans person's AGAB every time you see them in most cases it is very easy to register them as their identity in your mind. the issue is not that youre not attracted to trans people, the issue is that you refuse to allow yourself to see trans people as anything other than the gender they were assigned at birth, and that conscious perception block is what is keeping your body from reacting to them as you would a member of your preferred gender.

#obviously its a lot more complicated than this in many cases #but as a gross generalization (which everyone is already doing anyways in this discourse) i think this sums up my feelings pretty well