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wind-becomes-lightning · 2 years

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For your birthday bash, perhaps a cute Sayuri meeting Kakashi’s mom Yua ficlet? Just, Sayuri processing that Kakashi’s mother is a Samurai from the land of Iron and how the two of them get on??

Hello dear Taryn! It is your turn! :D I enjoyed exploring this relationship quite a lot. I think Yua would be very supportive of such a burned child <3 Thank you for letting me write that.

This is the Role Reversal AU, based on this story I've written for OC Shipweek

Mention of Kakashi x OC (well duh)

2421 words.

mention of past child abuse.

Pakkun jumped up on the little patio Yua was sitting on and sharpening her knife. She let the little dog walk over and sit right in front of her to deliver the message Yua already knew he was going to deliver. She didn’t know why Kakashi still felt like he needed to announce where he was going and when he was coming back, now that he was very much grown into full adult age, but she never complained.

“Boss is coming back”, the little dog barked as information. Yua moved her arm to pet him behind his ears. She nodded knowingly. “He isn’t coming alone” Pakkun added and that truly was new information.

She put her knife down and looked interested at the animal: “Who?” If Pakkun could shrug his shoulders, he probably would have: “Haven’t smelled her in a while, but now he smells all over like her.”

Yua immediately thought of the soulmate sign on his wrist he had told her about long ago. The name that was written on it of which he had been so insistent that it was not the Sayuri he’d known as a child, but that it could be any Sayuri since naming your kid after a flower wasn’t as uncommon - maybe something he had told himself for his own sanity. Kakashi had been nervous about meeting his old comrades again, the ones he had run away from in his early teens, no matter how often his mother had told him that they probably understood his decision.

So it must be that specific person, Yua thought, especially since Pakkun mentioned not having smelled her for a while. She did not want to think about what it meant that Pakkun could suddenly smell the girl “all over” Kakashi, but she had a pretty good idea what had happened. This was his business though. He was an adult after all.

“Thank you, Pakkun, I’ll wait for them here.”

– –

It took them two more days to arrive and Yua noticed immediately why that was. The girl was wearing a uniform that clearly identified her as a member of the elite assassin squad of fire country and would have gotten her arrested on sight here in the land of iron. Kakashi must have led them through backroads and thick forests which probably delayed their arrival.

The girl he brought was just about his shoulder height and her hair hung black in a braid over her left shoulder. When her eyes crossed Yua's, she looked away instantly as if she’d been stung by the light in it, but Yua didn’t take that personally. She must be very nervous.

“Mom”, Kakashi breathed out when he got within earshot and the relief in his voice to see her never really stopped to make her heart go lighter. The day he had finally come back to find her, when he was so much smaller and so much lonelier, he had also stood right here in front of her door and called her that way, a mixture of happiness and relief to be home. And Yua had replied then as she replied now: “Glad to see you’ve come home.”

Also not unlike the first time he had arrived, Yua now stretched her arm out to Sayuri and pulled on the sleeve of her uniform. “Quick'', she said and waved with her hand, “Time to go inside before someone sees you.” The girl stumbled past her and Kakashi stabilised her with a steady arm, which made Yua smile in a way that she couldn’t explain.

“I’m Uchiha Sayuri,” the girl said with a bow as soon as the door closed behind them. Yua waved with her hand: “No need to bow to me, child.” So she had been right about the soulmate connection.

Sayuri straightened her spine as Kakashi let out a little laugh: “I told you, you wouldn’t have to be so formal.” She frowned up at him and showed him her tongue. “It’s how I was raised, dumbass”, she said and Yua raised a brow at the insult but Kakashi just kept laughing at it. “Well none of the people that raised you were Samurai…”

“Samurai are even more formal than Uchiha elders,” the girl defended herself and poked finger in Kakashi’s side. Yua didn’t know the Uchiha as a clan other than what Kakashi had told her when he had explained how he had gotten the sharingan eye, but she had to give it to Sayuri, the samurai were a very formal group of people.

Kakashi moved forward and tipped his finger on Sayuri’s nose: “But not my mom. She doesn't care about conventions. You’ll learn soon enough.” There was red on Sayuri’s cheeks when she looked up into Kakashi’s uncovered eye but then she smiled.

Suddenly Yua was transported back into a different time, over twenty years from now. Kakashi had always looked a little like Sakumo, with Yua’s strong facial features also meddled in between. But Yua had never noticed as much as she did right at this moment when she saw his face lit up the way it was. She had seen that look on Sakumo’s face a long time ago and though that seemed so far in the past, she could feel something tugging at her heart now. Even though you moved on didn’t mean you couldn’t miss the tenderness of love once in a while.

Yua took a deep breath to get herself together: “I’m Hatake Yua.” She bowed her head just slightly. “I am, as he has undoubtedly already told you, Kakashi’s mother.”

– –

Sayuri turned in the kimono that was a little too large for her, but it tied well around the waist so it still held as good as it possibly could. “She’s scary, you know,” she said, her eyes running over the soft fabric of the clothing. “She looks like she had her sword ready any moment to slice my braid off.”

“She probably could,” Kakashi said, lazily draped over the futon that they had laid on the floor. Without questioning much Yua had put theirs side by side in Kakashi’s squared tatami room. It was obvious that she had known about the soulmate mark from the way she had reacted to Sayuri’s name, but still, it felt unnerving to have such an easily supportive parent- at least to someone like Sayuri.

It was not like he hadn’t prepared her on the way over. His mother was a stern personality, who was not accepting any shit from anybody. That she had defended him until the village they lived in accepted him, even as an outsider. That she had done the same for his father. That she wasn’t very nice to people who hurt her friends or comrades. “But she’d never hurt you,” he had assured her. “I’ve told her about you.”

That exactly made Sayuri nervous. She did not quite know which details Kakashi had told Yua about. She still didn’t know if he was aware of how Rin died and how her hand fell into that. She had wanted to tell him on their way, but had been nervous that he’d push her away again. Soulmates really were a weird little thing, once you were united with yours, parting almost seemed like losing a limp. She couldn’t imagine it.

“I hope I can properly make her like me, '' Sayuri murmured as she climbed under the covers into Kakashi’s arms who pressed a maskless kiss to her forehead. “Of course she will, don’t be so worried about it all.” It was sweet of him to say, but it only eased her worry a little. She just didn’t know how to deal with parents. Nobody had ever taught her.

Sayuri couldn’t sleep even after midnight had passed. She should have been tired by any means, at least after travelling as long as they had. But her heart kept beating in her ears. So while Kakashi was peacefully sleeping she got up and left the tatami room for the door. Now that she was in a kimono, surely she could stay outside a little longer.

To her surprise Yua was here on the patio, wind curling her hair up as she was looking at the starlight above her. Sayuri considered turning around and just going back to her bed, but Yua saw her immediately. “Can you not sleep?” she asked and Sayuri did a little gasp of surprise.

“I seem to have trouble adjusting to the new environment”, she replied to make it sound a little nicer than “My new partner’s mother makes me anxious”. Yua laughed: “That’s a very sweet way of phrasing it”, as if she had seen right through the excuse. Maybe she had. The woman patted next to her: “Sit, child.” So Sayuri sat.

For a moment they remained quiet then Yua said: “You don’t have to worry about me, I don’t question his choices.” Sayuri felt very found out and just answered with a very mumbled “I’m not-”

“Kakashi has told me about your childhood. He told me, years ago, that your mother died young and your father refused to be a father”, Yui continued and Sayuri laughed and quoted the older woman: “That’s a very nice way of phrasing it.”

But Yua did not laugh, instead she turned to the side and gave Sayuri a thorough look from top to bottom. Sayuri felt the red on her cheeks as the old, wise eyes scanned her like that, but she let it happen. “Has that changed from when you were eleven?” Yua asked and Sayuri averted her eyes.

It was as hard to tell now as it had been just a few days earlier when she told Kakashi. Sayuri said: “He got… worse, somehow.” She didn’t look at Yua at all.

The older woman took her hands in between hers very quickly. “Child”, she said sternly, eyes lit up and focused on Sayuri’s. “You are absolutely safe here. I will make sure you never have to go there again.”

Sayuri suddenly remembered the day she met Hatake Sakumo for the first time. When he had told her to come see him if her father ever mistreated her again. Maybe there was a reason why those two had ended up married. Also, she thought with a smile, Kakashi had his kindness from both of them clearly. “Thank you, Yua-san”, Sayuri said with a little bow.

“It will cause a little arguing”, Yua now said, letting go of Sayuris hands, “These people are hostile to outsiders. You will have to let go of the Uchiha clan-name.”

“Ah, that will be easy. I hate it so much anyway,” Sayuri laughed.

Yua continued: “You also can’t use your sharingan anymore. And seal that assassin uniform away for good. The more you look like one of us, the easier it will get.” She clearly knew what she was talking about. Sayuri nodded and realised that this must be the reason why Kakashi was so secretive about his eye.

“Why would you go to so many lengths to support me? This seems like it brings you a lot of trouble…” Sayuri asked the question that had been on her mind for a while already. She had meant to ask Kakashi about it, but he had been so adamant about his mother helping both of them, that she didn’t find the opportunity too.

Wind went through both of their ponytails. Yua put her head to the side: “Because he looks at you the way his father looked at me and I guess this time I should try to preserve that.” She looked at the younger woman beside her. “Last time, I let it slip through my fingers.”

Why she suddenly felt tears in her eyes Sayuri did not know, but she could hear her voice shaking when she spoke again. “I haven’t told him about the things I did in the past.” She could see Rin’s face in front of her mind's eye. “Things he would hate me for. If he knew, he’d push me away.” She took a deep breath to gather herself. “I’ve been trying to run from him, from his name on my wrist, all my life and yet …”

“Ha, that is how soulmates work apparently,” Yua said with a laugh, “You think you are running away from each other when in truth you are just running towards each other.” She took one of Sayuri’s hands again. “Let me tell you child, that nothing you did is ever unforgivable. Kakashi knows this too. When he arrived here, as elated as he was to find me, he was also angry. “Why didn’t you come get me when your soulmate mark disappeared? When Dad died”, he’d say. I wouldn’t have a good answer. Going to Konoha would mean leaving my life here behind forever, maybe I wasn’t ready for that.”

She pressed the hand she was holding. “Maybe it was my way of grieving. I could not forgive Sakumo for going back to Fire with our child and without me, but when my option was laid out to me, to leave my childhood home behind forever, I also didn’t want to do it. And I missed him, and I was angry at him….” She trailed off and Sayuri figured that Yua must be lost in memories. “Anyway,” the older woman continued eventually,” Kakashi forgave me about that. It wasn’t as if he didn’t understand my reasoning. So while I think for a while he still harboured resentment, in time, he got around to just letting it go.” She looked at Sayuri and winked: “I can guarantee whatever you did he will forgive you.”

Sayuri pressed the hand back. She really wanted to believe in those words. “Thank you”, she mumbled. She wondered how this kind of kindness and support would have been hers all her life if her mother had survived, if she had ever had a mother figure in her life. Well, wondering about the past wouldn’t change anything, what mattered was that there was something here for her now.

Without noticing, she yawned. “Try to go back to sleep, child, you travelled quite some. My son will probably have plans for both of you tomorrow.” Sayuri nodded a little dizzyily. “Be careful, though, sometimes he sleep walks to the kitchen and eats the sweet things he officially doesn’t like until it makes him feel sick.”

“Oh really?” Sayuri laughed. “Can you tell me more about that?”

Yua waved with her hand: “Tomorrow. Promise.”

#nisi turns 30 #fanfiction things #oc: sayuri #au: role reversal #this is the first story im finishing for my birthday event #it is currently the 13th of july #more than two months before it will be posted lmao #imagine taryn while im writing this you are still in europe and when you read this you are in NA #sfdasdf insane #anyway i hope you enjoy this

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smartrelationshiptips · 5 months

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How Do Close Relationships Boost Heart Health? – Science & Medicine Journal

It is not a coincidence that having Close Relationships Boost Heart Health. A new study published in the Social Science & Medicine journal which was conducted at Cornell University finds that lonely people are 40% more likely to die from cardiovascular disease than those with an active social life. The study focused on people who regularly interact with others. Whether through work, family, or friends, and found a correlation between regular social interaction and physical and mental boosts.

Despite the study, there is still no explanation of how loneliness affects cardiovascular health, but researchers speculate that stress and depression could play a part. The good news: It takes only a small amount of social interaction to make you feel better. According to Song, simply speaking with someone else for as little as five minutes can make a big difference.

Close Relationships Boost Heart Health

The study examined the relationships in some ways. They analyzed the social network to identify the key connections. They also used a self-reported measure of loneliness and depression, and they collected data about people’s physical health and mortality over time. The team found that those who had close, strong relationships were less likely to die from any cause than those who were lonely or depressed. Notably, the benefits of being popular extended to individuals’ health.

The benefits of having a good social network were more substantial for older people. Aging, with its physical challenges, could be a factor here. These findings add to the growing evidence that social relationships are, in fact, fundamental to our health and well-being. And remember, hanging out on Facebook won’t help you meet that goal – research shows that online communication isn’t as good at protecting against loneliness and depression.

So, if you want a stronger heart, a healthier body, and longer life — get out there and connect.

Why is a Relationship Good for Your Heart?

A lot of people often wonder why is it that relationship is good for our heart health. They are wondering how exactly does it improve us? When we interact with other people, this has a relaxing effect on our body and mind at physiological and psychological levels. As a result of the process mentioned above and the fact that close relationships can positively impact how we feel about ourselves, they improve physical health and mental health. It is like improving everything by one big step forward!

This is exactly what happens in cases of isolation or loneliness as well. It makes us want to spend more time with others, especially those very close to us, in a spiritual sense. This theory can be easily seen in the animals’ world, which is a big pointer towards its credibility. It has been observed that when animal feels threatened, they come closer to one another and form strong bonds.

They even adopt their child’s characteristics like color or behavior to protect them from predators, which again shows how important it is to feel safe and secure. It is not just that relationships are good for our physical health but also mental health. By “mental health”, we mean the quality of experience someone has when dealing with life’s situations. The most common example here would be depression or anxiety disorders. As mentioned above, close relations can reduce the chances of someone developing these issues.

Read Also:

How To Make Him Love You More Than Anything Signs My Boyfriend Is Too Good for Me

How Can A Happy Relationship Help Your Health?

Relationships are one of the main things we need to make us happy. Without a good relationship, life can seem rather powerless and miserable. In such cases, it is very hard for any person to have a positive attitude towards life as they will always be focusing on what or who they lack. Someone with a broken heart would never stop complaining about it and would never be able to focus on the good things around them. And this happens for a simple reason if you are in a bad relationship. Your mind will always think about all the negative things happening to you and what is not going well.

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You will probably even start feeling inferior or unwilling to move forward simply because you feel like you lack something. On the other hand, when we are in a happy relationship, everything around us seems to be better and brighter – this is true! When our partner loves us or appreciates all our efforts, it boosts our self-esteem, making us more confident and willing to deal with problems and move forward.

As mentioned above, studies show that happy relationships improve the quality of life and help us deal with even more serious issues like depression or anxiety disorders. These close relations make us happier by making our lives seem better and brighter.

You May Like: Why Is It Important to Set Boundaries in A Relationship?

How Does Love Affect Your Heart?

Love keeps us going in life. It is a feeling that if we are not experiencing, everything seems so incomparably dull. Studies show that every single human being needs to love and be loved. It is like an addiction – the more you get off this “drug”, the less your heart can cope with not receiving it.

Studies say that your heart moves faster – 1% faster than normal when you fall in love. However, with time, its speed increases even more by 15-20%. This means that at the beginning of a relationship, all you need is to look at your partner to feel butterflies in your stomach and get pretty excited about it. This increased heart rate is caused by many things: the feeling of excitement, passion, and deep infatuation. All these feelings cause a strong stimulation of adrenaline which then causes more heartbeats per minute.

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In fact, and as mentioned above, you will probably never be able to feel this happy after having just one cup of coffee if you consider that you will need to drink about 50 cups of coffee to feel the same rush. And this is how close relationships boost heart health.

The Bottom Line

Studies have shown that people with close relationships are healthier and live longer than those without them. Close relationships are important for your health and well-being. Studies have also shown that close relationships can reduce stress, increase happiness, and improve heart health. So, we are hopeful that we have managed to make you understand that close relationships boost heart health. If you want to know more about these studies or deepen the quality of your relationships with other people in your life, let us know in the comments below!

#breakup #love #divorce #marriage #relationship #Youtube

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lyssophobic1pls · 8 months

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Accidentally fasted for two days bitches🖕🏾🖕🏾🖕🏾 I forgot how much being in a relationship stresses me out 😭 anyway, I really do appreciate my relationship with food more these days. No binges, no endless cravings, no eating everything in site even when I’m not hungry. I literally have intuitive eating down! My connection to food is not as related to my emotions anymore!!!!! I eat when I’m hungry but the portions are smaller! my stomach is smaller! my body is getting smaller! One major thing I’ve had to learn is to quit eating when I’m full. I’m used to finishing the whole plate even when I was full because I was afraid of waste and now I’ve also realized my eyes are way to big for my stomach. I’m not the same person who 7 months ago could binge 4 birria tacos and soup or a pint of rice and chicken from Leeann Chin alone. I’m learning the new portions for my new body. When I come home with food from work it spoils because I can’t finish those whole meals in a day. I don’t even recognize myself when I’ve realized how little I’ve eaten and I put the food away for later. Biggest thing I need to work on is exercise. I’m a naturally lazy person so this is nothing new😂. I do get my 10,000 steps in everyday tho. But I want to be more active, going for walks, swimming more, playing sports, hanging out with friends not only for my goal body but because my body has protected me from so much it deserves to be taken care of and used to the best of its abilities. My body deserves to do what it is capable of! I really like who I’m becoming. And it’s been a long journey. Sometimes I feel like I’ve pressured myself into having an eating disorder because I knew there was something wrong with me but I could never point it out. Part of it was my weight but I know now my weight was just a consequence of my mental state. I would spend hours a day ruminating about my next meal or my ideal body. Those were the only things that took up space in me and to fix that I thought I needed the most extreme form of control over myself. To deprecate myself of nutrients and fuel in order to punish my mental state. The most life changing quote I’ve hear this past year was that you can’t hate yourself into someone you love, so why would I punish this girl who was already hurting?

This isn’t a recovery page for anyone, not even for me. All I want to say is that my journey has been long and I’m grateful for it. I do still have tendencies of identifying everything I believe is wrong with my body or dreaming of carving my ideal shape, but I’ve learned deep underneath that is just a girl that wants to be loved and yearned for. And you don’t have to do that in a healthy way it’s taken me 3 years to figure all of this out and I still know nothing. But first and foremost I am addressing my motives and what lies underneath and after my body reflects my growth. Low key I still love the toxic mess of this community tho😂 don’t shame me. But I’m growing and I’m reaching goals, though in more time than I like, in a healthier safer manner.♥️♥️♥️

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mimetic-mice · 11 months

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i am experiencing something very strange as a result of spending all day doing research. 8 hours a day reading books and being alone, more or less, with my mind. for as long as i can remember, i’ve felt like someone going through the world with someone else, or more aptly, rather than view myself as an individual, i was part of a group, a pair, a team.

this isn’t to say I *wasn’t* an individual amongst these people, or that they weren’t appreciating and loving me for who i was, just that i felt unburdened from self-perception or any of the pressures that come with viewing oneself as, well, singular. I didn’t have to be ‘me’, i could just Experience the world. the closest i could get of a self-image was looking at, essentially, the negative space-- that empty space which i supposed i must be standing in, that space that experienced everything i was seeing and doing, that space where i knew something existed that my friends understood and loved (because i could feel that understanding and that love)

going into college was scary, because i was now far away from my people-- i no longer had teammates, and my queer found family was no longer physically in the same place. and my reliance on other people to define who i was became, i realized, unreliable. when some of my first friendships in college fell through, i think one of the reasons it destabilized me so much was because i’d comfortably began to define myself through my relationship with them, which i could no longer do when their perception of me became negative. even amongst my later good friendships, i felt some level of idiosyncrasy with my ability to identify myself solely through these relationships; even as i felt properly loved and understood, their perception of me was based only on the Me they’d known so far, unlike my friendships in high school who’d not only been friends with me for many years, but had known me and lived in the same place as me for many years before we’d become friends. existing like this, i did not emerge as an individual but rather remained unstable and unsure how to see myself. i tried to turn towards and find some central concept of ‘Self’ but could not. eventually, by the time last summer came around, i’d felt an absolute relief at finding something of a Pack again. i was with a small group of classmates every day for hours at a time, and being part of a Group relieved the burden of being an individual. likewise, every weekend i saw the same two friends, and learned to feel absolutely at ease with them. i could filter my thoughts through sharing them with them and experiencing the world with them. Once again, I wasn’t “me”, I was “us”. being amongst these people, however, also gave me the stability to develop a new kind of individual identity: i was coming out as trans for the first time. and in doing so, for the first time, i think i began accessing a version of myself that i could comprehend. fast forward a year, this summer i’m spending hours a day... alone. more time alone than i’ve ever had. i’m working on getting friends together to parallel work so i don’t feel quite so. wah. but in the meantime i’m sitting in coffee shops reading books. reading always makes me feel the most. grounded? written words make my thoughts feel tangible and comprehensible in a way they usually Aren’t.

and perhaps because of all that time alone, this weekend, when i went to a party, i had the strangest realization. for context, i was only close friends with one person there (the host). although I knew and was maybe starting to become friends with one or two people there, it was a crowd that was nonetheless very new and exciting to me. the first realization was that part of me felt an intense loneliness. i wanted the people that I Experience Life with to be with me and experiencing it with me. I wanted a group that was ‘us’, who knew the way i think just how i know the way they think, to interpret and experience all these interesting new people with me. Besides the host of the party, none of my friends even knew where i was-- no one waiting for me at my apartment, no one was wondering about what i was up to. no one was going to text me to ask what i was thinking or feeling in this moment. it was just me, experiencing it by myself. the second realization was that, although i felt some kind of abject terror at acting as an individual, the truth was, i understood precisely who i was and felt comfortable interacting with these people as someone Seperate from their groups. I had a wonderful time. people seemed to like me-- i infodumped and i talked loudly, and amongst a group of trans autistic people this seemed to go over quite well, two of them texting me the next day to say it was nice meeting me and that we should hang out again sometime. from these two experiences, i was first struck with a kind of fear. was this life now? now that i was burdened with myself as an individual, was i always to feel... seperate from people. like a separate entity reacting and being reacted to by others, rather than a piece of a puzzle in a group all experiencing the same thing together from a shared vantage point. of course, this is utterly silly. the people i Experience Life with, many of whom follow me here (hi friends reading this lmao), still know me in a way i can let my guard down around them, experience ‘us’ around them, not worry about codifying Who I Am around them and just kind of Chill.

But even keeping that, i suppose i am tentatively gaining that strange ‘sense of selfhood’ i’ve always heard people talking about. it’s become easier to talk to those people whom are not and will not become One of My People. i am still riddled with social anxiety and woe, but i am often able to interact with strangers or aquantances now where i feel they see me for who i am. in high school, if i felt admired by a stranger i often felt, accurately or not, that it was due to my ability to conform to the system or ‘play the game’, so to speak-- for being a Good Student, maybe. compliments on my appearance were muddled by the fact that i was, in hindsight, Not Cis and that many of the ‘compliments’ were expressed as girls envying my body. but now when strangers make me feel cool or admired, it feels directly correlated to well... me. my hobbies. my interests. my point of view. my style. my... self. I don’t know. i’m not quite sure where i was going with this post other than to say i’ve felt lonely recently, but that’s okay, because i think it’s the kind of lonliness that leads to connection. that will allow me to push through some discomfort and try to reach out for closer friendships

#tuesday

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drjohngkuna · 1 year

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mothkingeloth-archive · 2 years

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Ya know I’m gonna ramble on something real quick, and this sponsored article I got on my news feed on my browser reminded me of it.

“A Nobel-Prize Winning Psychologist Says Most People Don’t Really Want To Be Happy.” And then the little preview snippet goes “People are more likely to choose satisfaction-- the long-term feeling that comes with achieving your goals.”

Now I didn’t give the article a read, and I don’t really care. I just want to share that happiness isn’t a one, singular emotion. It’s encompassing. Emotions are REALLY difficult to sort through. Even if you feel one way you might be experiencing feelings related to another category of emotion. Emotions aren’t a neat little thing you can fit into organized boxes; they never were, and they never will be.

I struggled a lot growing up trying to know what happiness felt like. I knew excitement. I knew anger. I knew sadness and loneliness and confusion. But I didn’t know what happy was. I didn’t know what that felt like. In fact, I didn’t quite know what I was supposed to look for. I thought I could separate it out like everyone else seemingly could. Am I happy? No, I’m excited. Am I happy? No, I’m content/satisfied. Am I happy? I don’t know, there’s nothing going on right now that would make me feel negatively, but is that happiness? Is happiness only neutral-feelings? Is it not a state of higher emotional stimuli? That didn’t feel right. I could never describe myself as happy because I didn’t know what happy was like, and it took a big toll on my mental health because I was convinced I was never happy. There’s no guide out there that’s the be-all catch of emotions. Words *are not* emotions. I can’t put a name to a feeling if I don’t know what it is I’m feeling; what is it that I’m supposed to be looking for if it’s classified as all these other things??

It took me a long time to realize that happiness isn’t one single emotion, but rather, like all things, it is a spectrum. If I feel content and satisfied, I am happy. If I feel excited, I am happy. If I feel relaxed, I am happy. It helped me to understand that I was able to be happy and that I have been happy before. Happiness is just an umbrella term for a wide range of feelings.

So, in my perspective, something saying “people don’t want to be happy they want to be xyz” is bullshit. That’s just some corporate propaganda pushed on some web browser’s sponsored page. I struggled so long and I still do with identifying emotions, it’s really unnecessary for emotionless corporate to try to sell me on the idea that I *DON’T* want to be happy but that I would want to alienate what happiness feels like. There’s a reason why people call it “finding happiness in little things.” Content over the smell of flowers or baked goods or old book pages? Pride over getting a task done? Kicking back with your favorite movie and a glass of lemonade? Bath time? Any of these things can give you happiness, even if it’s labeled as “relaxation” or “satisfaction.” THAT. IS. HAPPINESS. And we shouldn’t alienate these things from it. I DO want to be happy, and I DO want to be satisfied, and I KNOW that being satisfied is me being HAPPY over the completion of a goal or a long day of work. They’re one and the same.

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in-tua-deep · 3 years

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idk if you still do au ideas but what if delores was a real person in the apocalypse? how it woul dbe done i have no idea but i love all your aus and thought it would be cool

okay okay I don't tend to go for real!Dolores aus admittedly because I find her much more compelling as what she is: a reflection of five himself and a symptom of his crushing loneliness

but i started thinking about it and you know what?? i think five deserves a little socialization, as a treat

so say like, 0.5% of the population is resistant to abilities. Allison would really struggle to rumor them, Five wouldn't be able to jump with them, and, most importantly, whatever the fuck Vanya's ability does has like, reduced damage or something

and the og apocalypse isn't the moon apocalypse, so let's say that it was pure waves of Vanya's powers that fucked over the earth

so 0.5% of the population survives the apocalypse. though, let's be honestly, the real number is a lot smaller than that. People who might have survived Vanya's initial power wave (miraculously) did not survive buildings crushing them or survive the car/plane/bus/train/other transportation crashes or survive being left alone when they are too young to reliably look after themselves, or the variety of other problems that come with 99.5% of the population dying at once

So, Five arrives in the apocalypse and is met with ruin and fire and a whole lot of dead people. He finds his siblings, but it doesn't matter. They're dead. He doesn't even recognize them at first, these strange grown-ups who he identifies not by their faces but by the umbrellas on their wrists that match his own

As he realizes the full impact of his situation, he hears a voice that says, very succinctly, "holy shit!"

It's a girl a few years older than Five himself, maybe 15 or 16, and she is very excited to see another survivor.

And here's where I u-turn this au around bc i'm not all that interested in real!Dolores, but I would be down to talk about Five meeting survivors in the apocalypse, because if Dolores is real I don't buy no one else survived.

So Dolores shows up and see a Literal Child crying over the corpses of his family and assumes that Five is a fellow survivor, and she immediately grabs him up. Five is incoherent with grief at this point anyway, so he doesn't even protest when she basically hauls him away from the bodies. She's babbling at him, but he doesn't really hear anything she's saying

And then she takes him to her dad

(Why not, let's have the 1% potentially be a heritable thing)

and her dad, let's call him just some dad name. like Rick. it has been a fucking WEEK for him, okay. he had his daughter with him, his ex-wife is on the other coast for her work, and by some miracle he survived the apocalypse and so did his child, and he's been wracking his brains trying to figure out what the fuck to do next

and then his daughter shows up with a traumatized thirteen-year-old in tow

now rick is a good dude. he's a dad. they get out of five that his name is five ("what the fuck" dolores mouths to him over five's shoulder and rick can't help but agree) and the bodies he found were his siblings ("Dad and Ben and Vanya weren't there though," this child cries desperately and rick feels his own heart clench in response, "They might still be alive!")

"We can look for them." Rick assures his new adopted child, because he is an adult in a fresh apocalypse and this kid has presumably lost everything he's ever known (more than rick even knows at the time)

and they do. They each get wagons and they go out and find supplies and look for other survivors. Five is... surprisingly helpful and also surprisingly docile as he is able to rely on Someone Else to give orders while he attempts to (dissociate) process what the fuck has happened

and here's the thing: Five prides himself on being independent, sort of. He's independent for a child soldier, but he's used to taking orders from a male authority figure and Rick happens to be just that

The first time that Five does something dangerous and Rick yells is a revelation

(Rick isn't sure if he hopes that Five's dad is alive or not, because if they find that man alive then Rick might just kill the jackass himself. Also like, Five is bizarrely knowledgeable out survival skills, like way too knowledgeable about it, which is helpful for them but also very concerning)

they find a newspaper and Five finds the article that mentions his father's recent death ("Huh. Heart attack." Five says, and there is no emotion in his voice)

(Years later, years later, Five and Rick talk. "I don't think I wanted to find him, either." Five admits, softly because Dolores is asleep, "I think I was more scared of finding him alive than I was of finding his body. He would've been so mad at me, I think.")

this newspaper is how Rick and Dolores find out about Five being Number Five, Umbrella Academy Missing Person

"Dude, what the fuck." Dolores says, wide eyes, "You're like, thirty?"

"I'm thirteen." Five says, and then checks the date on the newspaper again, "Also I think I would technically be 29 if I lived through all of it, 'cause it's April and my birthday is in October."

"You... time travelled?" Rick asks, which is honestly the more relevant question, "Can you go back?"

And Five just,,, crumples on himself. Because he tried, he tried really hard. It didn't work. "I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna go back, I'm going to save them."

That, Rick thinks, is a lot of weight to put on one person's shoulders, but especially the shoulders of a child.

"Alright." Rick says, because what else can he say after finding out his new child has superpowers and is from like, 2004? "What do you need?"

("Oh my god I have so many memes to teach you." Dolores says later, reverently. Five blinks in confusion and Rick mentally prepares himself for the recitation of so many vines)

And it's easier, somehow. Five sometimes feels like it's a betrayal, but he settles into apocalypse life with an ease that surprises him.

He lets Rick fuss over him and help tie his scarf securely around his head every morning before he sets off on supply runs with Dolores. And they're kids! Five has never had a friend before, and Dolores is funny and smart and she's struggling just as much as he is.

"I don't know if my mom's alive." She says to him, in solidarity when he checks the face of every corpse to see if they're Vanya.

Five is practical in the way only a child soldier can be. He's economical with the room in their wagons, carefully examining what might and what might not be useful.

Dolores, on the other hand, constantly takes up space with what Five sees as useless shit.

"Excuse you," Dolores says, shoving a game of monopoly, the entire discworld series, and a pack of glitter gel pens into her wagon, "These are absolutely vital apocalypse supplies."

She challenges him, plays with him in a way no one ever has. "I bet you I can find more batteries today than you can," She grins at him, "Winner gets to pick dinner first?"

"You're on." Five says, directly before Dolores pulls two packs of 24 AA batteries from behind her back, like a cheat.

Dolores makes him take a ten minute break when they find a playground that has been mostly not-destroyed. They rummage around kids backpacks and mother's handbags for some good loot, too numb to corpses to even be bothered all that badly about the corpses they belong to.

"I'm getting on the swings." Dolores says when Five starts making noises about moving on, "I haven't been on a swingset in ages."

"What's the point?" Five grumps.

"Don't be sour because you can't swing as high as I can!" Dolores laughs, getting higher and higher as the swings creak ominously.

Five grumpily gets into the other swing and grudgingly kicks himself back and forth until Dolores takes pity on him and teaches him how to properly move his legs and body to get higher and higher.

Dolores jumps from the swing seat and lands with a flourish and smile. Five jumps out of his seat and then jumps, warping right in front of Dolores and making her yell and hit at him in outrage. Five smiles the widest he has all week.

This is how Five grows up in the apocalypse, with Dolores teasing him into taking breaks and leaning over his shoulder to look at his math and scandalizing him by stating that she'd only just started on matrices in her own high school math class.

Every night they huddle around Rick while he picks up whatever book Dolores picked out that day because it is a travesty that Five has never read hunger games or whatever, and then they read together because it would be a genuine blood bath if they all took turns. The first time Five accidentally mentioned a spoiler and Dolores genuinely considered murder was the birthday of this tradition

Some days the air is too smoky or there are dust storms or it's just plain too dangerous to go out, and they all stay in. Dolores regales Five with stories about public school, and Five tells them about his siblings.

Then they all cry

"I shouldn't be crying." Five sobs.

"Shut the fuck up," Dolores sobs back, "You literally watched me lose my shit over remembering my shitty eighth grade dance and listened to me sob-sing toxic for like four hours."

"In fairness I also wished you would shut up then."

"Let me hug you or I will start singing songs that I only remember the chorus for again you absolute fucker."

"I could always sing some -"

"No, Rick/Dad."

And Five grows up. Rick shows him how to shave very carefully in front of cracked mirrors. Dolores teases him every time his voice cracks. Rick tells Five in no uncertain terms that he loves and cares for him, and that Reginald was a little bitch. There are a lot of heartfelt conversations around that, honestly. Rick telling Five that he and the siblings deserved better, that they were children and deserved to have a childhood.

And that he has faith in Five. Rick and Dolores both do, they bring him back paper and pens and pencils and chalk and anything Five can use to write equations. They poke around any libraries for books on theoretical mathematics and quantum physics. Rick and Dolores go out scouting for food while Five stays home and can work longer.

They also make him take breaks, make sure that he's looking after himself.

They're a little better off than OG!Five when it comes to food, because some animals survive. Enough that Rick figures out how to hunt. Five is the first one to each bugs, and even though Dolores makes faces they all start eating bugs as well.

"Pretty sure there's loads of cultures that eat bugs." Rick says grudgingly, wondering if he should try stirfry the cockroaches and if that would improve the taste. "There's even, uh, cricket flour or whatever, right?"

"Plus you eat like, five spiders a year when you're asleep." Dolores says cheerfully, just to watch her dad's face scrunch up in displeasure.

"That doesn't sound true, but I don't know enough about spiders to dispute it." Five mutters, and Dolores gives him such a proud look that it makes him roll his eyes.

They're in their thirties when Rick dies. He's out foraging and hunting, and the rubble he's standing on gives way and he ends up with a gash in his leg. He manages to stop the bleeding, but the world is filthy and they don't have any antibiotics.

He gets an infection.

"It's okay." He tells both of his kids, "It's okay. I'm just so glad that you guys have each other, y'hear? I'm so glad."

"It's not okay." Five says, voice thick and choked, "It's not."

"Yeah, well, you're going to figure out how to go back, right? Go back in time and save everyone. Then I'll have never died, right?" Rick smiles, "And even if you don't, I'll be waiting for you on the other side and we'll see each other again anyway."

"I'm going to fix it."

"I know. I have faith in you, Five." Ricks says honestly, and that's more than Reginald ever said.

They sit quietly together while Dolores is out scavenging. They've been taking turns sitting with Rick.

"I won't remember you, in the past, will I?" Rick says rhetorically, but Five answers anyway.

"I don't think so."

Rick hums, "Well, doesn't matter. If you need help in the past, you come to me, y'hear?"

"You won't remember me."

"Doesn't matter. You come find me, and you tell me your crazy story until I believe you, and then I'll help you." Rick says firmly, "You're family. You're my son. Timelines? Don't matter. If you need help, with anything, even if it's just with - with filling out a bowling team or something -"

"I have never been bowling in my life and you know it." Five interrupts, but it makes him laugh just a little bit which was clearly Rick's intention.

"Well who knows what you'll get up to in the past! You'll be able to go bowling, you know. Get to wear those uncomfortable shoes. Hey, you go far enough back maybe you can go to Dolores's tenth birthday party and put me out of my misery."

"Was she bad at bowling?"

"Oh, she was wiping the floor with me. No contest."

"Honestly, that sounds absolutely accurate."

"Shut up, bowling just wasn't my sport. Regardless, the point was that I'm giving you a free pass to come and get me. Because I know you, I know how you think." Rick brings up his hand to tap his finger against Five's forehead, "You get it into your head that you need to go it alone, take it all on your shoulders. I'm telling you that if you do that I'll somehow manifest my memories and come smack you over the head for being stupid, you hear?"

"I'm not dragging you into anything." Five says firmly, "I'll have my siblings."

"Who were also children." Rick points out. "And dragging? Dragging is such a strong word for a volunteer."

"A volunteer who won't remember volunteering." Five shoots back.

Rick just shrugs, and then winces when the movement jolts his bad leg. "Five, I'm going to be honest with you here. And sappy. Can you handle a bit of sappiness for a minute?"

"No."

"Well too bad. Can't leave a dying man, you'd feel too bad. So you're stuck with me. But you listen good, okay? Because you aren't dragging me into anything. Whatever life you have, I want to have a part of that. Because you're my son. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I want to help because you're family. What you'd be doing by leaving me out of it is depriving me of someone I love, depriving me of knowing one of the best kids I've ever known."

"Shut up." Five says, choked.

"Nope, it's sappy time." Rick states, "Maybe asking you to come find me is selfish, but I don't care. No matter what version of me exists, I want to be in your life."

"My life is a walking joke, why would you want any part of that?"

"It has been my privilege to watch you grow up. To help you. To be here for you. Of course I'd want to be there to watch you grow up the rest of the way."

"But -"

"Shut up, just let me tell you that I am so proud of you. You never give up, and your heart is so big. You love so much and so loudly, and it's been the highest honor of my life to be included in your family."

Five pauses for a moment to collect himself before simply saying - "You're the best dad I've ever had."

Rick snorts, "Considering my competition, I'd sure hope so. That bar was so low old Reggie was practically limbo dancing with the devil. Now get over here and give an old man a hug."

They don't bury Rick, when he dies. They don't have time and the ground is too hard and they don't have the heart to move him. Instead the pack everything up and seal him in the shelter they'd lived in.

Dolores pulls out a bottle of ancient nail polish and painstakingly writes Rick's name on the wall with his birth year and an approximate current year. They aren't 100% sure though, since time blends together out in the apocalypse, but it's something.

They continue by themselves. They get older.

Dolores jokingly calls him her husband because the way his face scrunches up makes her cackle. They see other people very occasionally, usually passing through. Usually groups. Dolores and Five get to flex their hosting skills, though more than one group declines their cockroach stirfry.

("It's a family recipe." Five says with amusement in his eyes that usually manages to drown out old grief.)

"Jeeze, that kid couldn't have been older'n twenty-three." Dolores complains, "Makes me feels positively ancient."

"They wouldn't have known any world 'cept for the apocalypse." Five muses, pouring some boiled water into wine glasses because they might be living in the apocalypse but they can be fancy.

"Do you ever think about that?" Dolores asks, turning to him with no judgement, just curiosity. "When you go back, you'll be like, erasing them from existence."

Five shrugs, "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe this place will just split off into an alternate timeline."

"Maybe none of this is real." Dolores says, amusement coloring her voice. "Maybe you aren't talking to a real person at all. Maybe this is just a symbol of your insanity and cracked mind."

"Dolores, I literally have a scar where you stabbed me. Did I somehow manage to stab myself in the back?"

"Scraped you, I scraped you. By accident."

"So you maintain." Five says haughtily, swirling his water in his wine glass like a pretentious prick.

"I could totally be fake. You don't know my life."

"I know way too much about you, Dolores. Like, way way too much." Five scoffs, because Dolores and him have literally no secrets from one another at this point. Five even knows the truth behind what happened at Janet Scranton's thirteenth birthday party. Like, he said, way too much.

"Maybe you made it up. Maybe that's why you know so much."

"Dolores, I'm going to be honest with you right now." Five presses the tips of his fingers to his chin, "If you were a figment of my imagination, you would be so much better at math."

"Hey!" Dolores squawks indignantly, "I didn't even get to finish high school you pretentious prick!"

"Neither did I!"

"You didn't even go to high school, you brat."

"I'm fifty-two I think I've outgrown 'brat.'"

"Tell that to your attitude." Dolores says haughtily, "You're still younger than me."

"Won't be when I go back in time." Five says cheerfully, completely ignoring Dolores's venomous look.

"That's cheating."

"Sucks to suck." Five says loftily, taking another sip of his water.

Sometimes they talk about The Plan, with capital letters. What Five is going to do when he goes back in time, depending on when he pops out. Is he going to adopt his siblings? What about Reginald?

"You don't think I could kill Reginald?" Five says, holding a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"I think you should let me do it. I'll even give you control of tonight's music if you do."

"What are you doing to do? Bite his ankles? What if you're like, seven or something?"

"All the better to get away with it since I'll be too young to convict or whatever."

"Pretty sure that's not how the law works."

"How would you know? Just for that I'm playing Istanbul on repeat again."

"I don't know why you think that's a threat. That song slaps."

It takes a few more years before Five is close enough that the Commission comes to interfere. Because that's what I think happened - Five was getting too close and they stepped in because they might as well distract the man as much as they can with missions, right?

So the Handler shows up. And she offers Five a job, telling him that they have the ability to travel through time. And Five - hesitates.

"Give me some time?" Five asks, and the Handler graciously gives him 24 hours.

And he and Dolores talk it over, because now that his goal is more in sight than it has ever been and Five is scared.

"What are you waiting for? You have the chance to see your siblings again." Dolores says patiently.

"Yeah," Five says, and what he doesn't say is clear. But I won't see you.

"Five." Dolores says, and she cradles his face between her palms like he is something precious, "I have had so much time with you already. More than I would have ever. We have been so lucky, to have this time. How can I demand more than what we have already been given?"

"When have you ever not demanded the world, Dolores?" Five asks, his own hand coming up to cover Dolores's own.

"We've had decades together, Five. We're getting old. I was always going to lose you, one way or another. Nothing lasts forever."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know. But if I had to choose a way, if I could decide where our story ends, this would be it. Letting you go, because this way you get to live. You get to see your family again. You get to save the world. I could ask for nothing more than for you to get your happy ending."

Five removes Dolores's hand from his cheek so that he can cradle it between them, "I'm happy here with you. I've never been happier. Isn't that silly? That I was happier in the apocalypse?"

"I bet killing Reggie would make you happy." Dolores laughs rustily.

"One day you're going to see the mysterious disappearance of a famous billionaire in the paper and feel a twinge of satisfaction and now have a clue why." Five laughs as well, shaking his head.

Dolores pats Five's hands, "Five, look at me. We've had our time. And you're going to give me even more of it. More time with my father. More time with my mother. I'll never know it, but you'll have saved me."

"What if this is - what if this is an alternate reality? What if I leave you here alone?"

"Then you'll be saving a 15-year-old girl from the same fate as me. Because as much as I love you, as much as I have loved this time we have had together, this is still an apocalypse. This should never have happened, and if you have a chance to go back and prevent it, then I want you to take that chance with both hands."

"Even if it means leaving you alone?"

Dolores smiles at him, "I'm not going to be alone. Far too many creepy crawlies in the apocalypse for that."

"Shut up, I'm being serious."

"Hmm." Dolores hums consideringly, "Maybe I'll head North, to that new settlement that last group said they'd heard word of. Sure they'd find some use for an old woman who's survived this long in the wilderness."

"You can have my half of the record collection." Five says, pulling her against him into a hug that she easily returns.

"As if I wouldn't have stolen them as soon as you left." She scoffs, but it's a little wet, and Five pretends his own eyes aren't leaking tears.

When The Handler comes back, Dolores gives him another hug. She also slips something into his pocket - some photos. They'd taken it a year into the apocalypse, when Dolores had found an ancient looking polaroid camera and towed it home despite Five's protests about practicality. The photos are worn and faded at the edges, but the smiles on Five's little apocalypse family's faces are undeniable.

"You'll have to see if they magically fade when you change the timeline." Dolores whispers to him with a grin, "Like in the movies."

"Okay." Five whispers back.

"You have the list of movies to watch, right?" Dolores says. Five rolls his eyes and nods because he wrote the list last night into his Vanya-book while Dolores hovered over his shoulder and critiqued his handwriting.

"And you promise to try a proper non-expired twinkie at some point?"

"That I do not promise. I think even looking at one would make me lose my lunch. I have twinkie-trauma."

"Shut up and get going." Dolores says, because the Handler is starting to tap her foot impatiently.

And off Five goes to become an assassin. Though - he's much more gentle this time. He's careful, he doesn't kill children and he usually takes jobs that don't require killing at all. He distracts and manipulates events as much as he can without killing.

He's actually much more well socialized, thanks to Rick and Dolores. Less feral child and more determined man on a mission.

Which is why he's so frustrated when he finally, finally manages to get the equations to work and falls through and falls - directly back into his stupid thirteen-year-old body.

"Shit." Five says, loudly, and revels in the surprised look on his siblings faces.

He strides into the kitchen, and they all follow him like ducklings. They look exactly the way they did when they died.

"Wow this is actually way harder than I thought it would be." Five muses, looking at their dead faces. But as Dolores would say, life is hard but you have to keep on trucking sometimes. "Whatever, what's the date?"

"Five, where have you been?" Diego demands, looking irritated. It makes Five snort in amusement.

"The future. The past. If you want like, an exact list of dates you'll have to hold your horses. I spent like, two weeks in Peru once. No souvenirs though, unfortunately."

They look taken aback, like they didn't expect Five to have quite this much sass. Oops. That is definitely Dolores's influence. Or maybe he was always a little asshole. In fairness, what teenagers aren't tiny assholes? He has an excuse.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Diego's eyebrows are furrowed in anger. It kind of takes Five aback for a second, because he remembers a Diego who stutters when he argued.

"When did you learn the fuck-word?" Five asks, raising an eyebrow before her can help it, "Grace ought to wash your mouth out with soap."

Diego immediately goes red, "Shut up!"

"Wow you're so easy to rile up. Aren't you like, twenty-something? Actually, I could figure out for myself how old you are if you gave me the date."

"I'm twenty-nine." Diego growls, like that was the point.

"Haunting!" Five says cheerfully, because that means there is way less time than he would like, narrowing his time down to a six month window.

It's extremely funny how his cheer makes all of them make faces.

It's Klaus who leans forward, "Why do you need to know?"

Klaus's face is open and curious and - (looks exactly like he did when Five found him all those years ago) - and Five can't help but answer him. "The world end on April 1st, 2019. No it isn't an April Fools joke, yes I have heard that joke like a million different times. I just want to know how close I landed so I can, you know, start working on how to fix that."

"Woah woah woah, roll it back." Allison says, holding a hand up, "What?"

"The apocalypse occurs on April 1st, 2019." Five says, slowly. "I have traveled from afar to prevent this from happening, because like, everyone dies."

"Everyone?" Vanya says weakly from the side.

She's clearly expecting to be ignored, so Five turns his head to address her directly by wiggling his hand back and forth a little. "Sort of. Like, not too many people survive at all. A handful of the human population, you know."

"But you survived?" Diego recovers admirably, if bitingly.

"Well, no." Five says rolling his eyes, "Wouldn't you just know it, Klaus here has managed to figure out a new ability!"

Everyone turns to look at Klaus, who immediately holds up his hands like he's being arrested or something, "I did not!"

"Wonderful! Now that we've established that I'm alive -"

"Why should we trust a word you say?" Luther says for the first time, looking pensive.

Five blinks, genuinely taken aback. "Because... I'm your brother? Because I can clearly and obviously time travel? Like, yeah, it would have been more convenient if I'd arrived in like, my old-body for proof-purposes, but like. I mean. Thirteen is still a pretty convincing age to be to prove time travel considering if I hadn't, I would be like, almost thirty."

"Roll it back again." Allison says firmly, "What do you mean by 'old body'?"

"Great question!" Five says pointing at Allison and smiling. Everyone looks at him weird again, and Five takes a moment to wonder if they've ever experienced positive reinforcement. Knowing Reginald, probably not. "Wait! Is Reggie alive? Wait, no, answer that in a second. Uh. When I time traveled I fucked up my body I guess, I was like, old. White hair and wrinkles-type old from spending decades in the apocalypse. But I fucked up the calculations and got booted back to my thirteen-year-old body, I guess. How, I have no idea."

"What?" Vanya says, still equally weakly.

"You have no idea how fucked up time travel is." Five whispers conspiratorially to Vanya, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "There are so many ways to die. Or permanently tear a hold in space time. But like, with life as we know if ending soon-ish, I figured I couldn't possibly fuck it up worse than it already was, y'know? Speaking of, anyone have the date again?"

"Wait, what was that about dad?" Luther asks, very focused.

"Oh, you still call him dad? Big oof." Five says automatically, because apparently his verbal filter is shot to hell after living with Dolores. It does make Klaus bark out a too-loud laugh.

"What does that mean?" Luther asks aggressively.

"It means Reginald sucks and doesn't deserve the title of 'dad,' what did you think I meant?" Five asks, and now both Diego and Vanya and both cracking smiles, though Vanya is covering hers with a hand.

"Have some respect for the dead." Luther growls, standing up and looking very large and threatening.

Five sways back, craning his head up, "Woah there big buy, sit down before I injure my poor growing spine looking up at you. Jeeze, did Reggie force feed you steroids or something? I wouldn't put it past him but like, I just want to know he at least went over the side effects of the drug with you. Also like, thanks for narrowing it down. Also terrifying! Seriously though, exact date please because if I have less than 24 hours I am going to break down crying and that is a threat."

"I love this Five." Klaus says reverently.

"March 21st." Vanya offers, finally.

"Wow! Terrifying!" Five says, clapping his hands together, "Hate that. Ten days, huh? Well, who wants to get on board the save-the-world express?"

Klaus immediately flings his hand in the air, Five points at his brother appreciatively. "Yes, excellent! I'll take the volunteer in the lovely skirt as my first team member. Any other volunteers?"

"Danke!" Klaus simpers, grinning widely like this is the vest entertainment he's had in weeks.

"I'm not just going to stand here and listen to you badmouth dad and boss us around." Luther slams his hands on the table.

"Well not with that attitude." Five snarks.

Diego raises his hand, "I would like to join team fuck dad as well."

"We can certainly debate team names later." Five says, nodding wisely as Luther gives some sort of scandalized gasp.

"Honestly, I just want to see where this is going." Klaus confesses.

Five shrugs, because he doesn't really care about the reason. "Don't you want to prove me wrong them? Prove what a well-adjusted young man Reginald Hargreeves raised?"

"Shut up." Luther grinds out, looking a moment away from throwing a punch.

"If this is all true, I have to get home." Allison cuts in, looking concerned, "I have - I have a daughter."

"I mean, if you want to give Claire a world to live in then I'd stick around, but that's just me." Five shrugs.

"You know her name?" Allison asks, obviously taken aback.

Five is almost offended, "Uh, yeah. I have her photo as well. Y'all get on like, a bizarre number of gossip magazine covers did you know that?"

Allison manages to outdo herself in terms of being taken aback once more.

There's a beat of silence, and then Five turns, "Vanya? You in?"

"Me?" Vanya blinks, looking shocked. "What can I do?"

"Yeah, what can she do?" Diego asks, crossing his arms and suddenly looking grumpy.

It baffles Five, who scrunches his nose, "Uh, like, a lot? I assume? I mean. I'm going to be honest here, just looking at y'all right now is a lot. In more ways than one! Hashtag trauma and all that, but like, name a single one of you that wouldn't be the most obvious person in the room as soon as you walked into it. Except Vanya, who somehow manages to look like a well adjusted adult, by some miracle."

"Did you just verbally say the word hashtag?" Allison asks, looking so deeply confused.

"More concerned about the trauma he tacked onto there, but y'know, to each their own." Klaus immediately cuts in.

"You think I'm well-adjusted?" Vanya asks, looking oddly touched.

"I would like to direct your attention to Diego's leather pants-scowl combo and Luther's general aura of daddy-issues." Five says pointedly, "I can practically smell the tragic comic book backstory in this room. If I'd jumped back a decade earlier this would have been Batman's wet dream of orphan selection."

"Alright! Game plan!" Five says, waving Diego's knife in his hand.

Diego's hands immediately go to his weird harness looking thing, "Hey!"

"Give me just one moment to get the tracker out." Five rolls his eyes, "Then I'll give it back, I promise. Also if someone could ask Grace for like, some antibiotics that would be good."

"What?" Allison asks, directly before Five stabs himself and there is suddenly panic at the table.

"Relax!" Five says, allowing Diego to remove the knife from his hands. He doesn't need it anyway and his hand immediately drops down to root in the wound.

"Five what the fuck!" Diego yells, but Five just pulls up bloody fingers and waves the tracker into Diego's stupefied face.

"What the fuck is that, Five?" Allison demands, looking very shaken.

"I literally just said it was a tracker." Five points out, "Now, I think our first team activity should be voting on whether we destroy it or take it out to bumfuck nowhere and ditch it to confuse the Commission."

"What the fuck is the Commission?" Diego barks.

"Man. Maybe I should just hit up Rick." Five muses, "This is going to take so much explaining."

"Who is Rick."

"So much explaining."

#survivors au #well adjusted five au #five actually has some social skills!#and an idea of what an actual parent looks like as well #klaus absolutely adores this version of five #who quotes vines and uses gen z slang with the best of them #five has been reliably informed that public education is worse than the apocalypse #but he's also pretty sure working with his family is worse as well #five: i have so much trauma lol #klaus: oh big same #vanya: mood #five is somehow the most well adjusted hargreeves #and the most responsible #he doesn't legally exist and he doesn't pay taxes but somehow he has his shit together #five showing up at rick's house: you don't know me but i know you in the future #rick: what the fuck #five: don't make me bring up bethany midler from highschool because you gave me so many embarrassing stories to convince yourself with #rick: okay okay i believe you and you are???#five: your son from the future lol what's up dad want to help save the world #five arriving back at the manor like: WHAT'S UP LOSERS RICK IS NOW YOUR DAD TOO BC GOD KNOWS Y'ALL NEED AN ACTUAL FATHER FIGURE #klaus calls rick a dilf and five kidney punches him hard enough that klaus can't even properly introduce himself #it's better for everyone that way #delores: 15 and ready to fuck someone up #delores: i'm not staying with this weirdo (diego) while you go off with my dad #five threateningly: don't make me bring up what really happened to dad's good suit in 2012 #delores: i will stay right here #rick: wait WHAT happened to my good suit #five: unimportant don't you want to save the world #long post #far tua long

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slfcare · 3 years

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hi! i’m using this just kind of to tell at least someone and let it out.. i’m currently going through a break up and i’m doubting my decision for some reason. it’s so hard not to romanticise or only look at the bad parts of the relationship. i’m having troubles remembering it realistically. so many thoughts are just racing in my head and i don’t know what to believe or not. on top of that i realized that i kind of want to distance myself from two of my closest friends for many reasons. i will move out probably this summer/fall which i’m excited for but it just makes me feel more lonely. how do you cope with loneliness? i know i don’t need anyone, esp romantically, but i really crave someone right now.

I think loneliness, after something like moving out, is really about adjusting to a new environment. Until you find new people you're comfortable with, you're going to have to rely on yourself and that can be very confronting and feel uneasy at first. But! Don't fret. You've made a step for yourself out of respect for yourself: you've obviously identified what/who you don't want around and have made a decision based on that, and that's so much more than most people can say. Start growing more comfortable in the position you're in by giving yourself credits for both that decision, and who you were in the relationship that's just ended. I genuinely don't think you should try to merely focus on what went wrong and forget anything else, as that's just unnecessarily making it so much harder for yourself. You can miss them, and miss the good times you had with them while also making yourself the main character in a sense and trying to keep seeing them realistically and remembering why it ended the way it did.

Missing someone who wasn't good for you isn't romanticizing them until you start shifting your perspective and making excuses for them. And looking back on a relationship that's ended doesn't have to be negative. You were in that relationship for a reason, you were probably happy with them, and that's not a bad thing to remember or think about at times.

For now, my advice is to give yourself some credit, to recognize that this is a time of change and that the best thing to do is embrace that, and to take the opportunity to discover what you want in any type of relationship: familial, friendships, romantic relationships and the most ultimate relationship of all, the one you build with yourself and your values and priorities. Try not to see this as a lonely, sad time, but as an opportunity to start fresh wherever you might've been feeling like you've been stuck.

#advice from a friend

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nodameshield · 3 years

Text

how are we doing? have the tears dried yet? I know mine haven’t ::

let’s start light : research fellows count ! (also, lady, only ten years old? - I resent that).

Goh understands this?? he’s got a silly proud smile and it’s following Ash’s butchered storytelling??? love

research fellows count !

perfectly attainable dream

sure, go for it. (look at both of their supportive lil smiles, we love best friends)

we all know the scene that’s coming ahead, but I thought this was a beautiful demonstration of growth already on Goh’s side.

Listen before the sad part begins let us appreciate for a moment how Ash and Goh were smiling at EACH OTHER after the interview was over. cuties.

behold : the last frame we have of baby Sobble. I’m going to miss you, bean. thank you for everything<3 (he was so proud of his good deed as well!! my very heart)

just how fast the night changes, indeed.

Drizzle went through shock and pain at record speed and swiftly landed on anger - only to fall into ✨depression✨ just as quickly.

and then we just stayed there.

someone

(oh hey Cinderace ! good to see ya)

having

a rough morning

(I’m sorry, this scene was just fucking funny - the drama)

Cinderace’s proud big bro moment was just too sweet to leave out - let us not forget, he’s been a big bro since he was Raboot (and even as a temperamental Raboot, he was always gentle to Sobble). And now his baby bro has evolved as well. precious !

Goh handled this situation very maturely from the beginning. And here’s when the build up starts. He’s saying ‘hey, let me help you how I think you need to be helped” and he genuinely doesn’t mean any harm! naturally, his reaction is to help his Pokémon, in the way that has worked in the past.

but then he starts to understand maybe that’s not the best approach this time around.

and he’s ready to respect those new boundaries (of course, there’s no blame on Cinderace, either. Much like Goh, he - and everyone, really - was just trying to help in the way he thought was the best).

shoutout to the animation on this bit because Pikachu’s ears darting down was a delightful detail. Chloe’s expression and Grookey’s simmering down drove the point home as well.

ah, you coy little thing. Did you forget how your trainer almost left you behind because of how rebellious you were??? Because you made him feel as though you’d be better off without him?? (Cinderace has selective memory, you can’t change my mind, don’t be miss-leaded by the cuteness)

this build up was wonderful - we begin to hear all these reasons why, yeah? maybe he just wants to be alone.

maybe he’s still very afraid and careful of his surroundings, and his evolution made it worse? (he’d been popping up in random places in previous episodes, hiding, which was also great foreshadowing for this episode !)

maybe he’s cocooning himself until he’s ready to evolve again? (which, considering his disappointment and how badly he wanted to be Inteleon already, is a very plausible reason)

but Prof. Cerise gets it right when he says ‘we can’t really know for sure’ (which ties greatly with Goh’s upcoming scene) - is it your Drizzle’s quirk? are they all like this? who cares? Isn’t wonderful how he’s a living creature? how he’s got nuances and a personality? shouldn’t that be enough of a reason to look after him, and try to help him right now?

my child, still thinking he’s got to do everything on his own.

and these two are just like ????? Goh ??? watchu talking about ???

can you imagine how MUCH this moment means to him?? he was ready to keep going alone (it’s what he knows) and even when Ash and Chloe prove him, time and time again, that he’s not alone, there’s still something in Goh coded to believe others won’t care as much/won’t be there when he needs them. and that’s why he insists: I’ve got this. I can do it alone.

and, sure, but you don’t have to. that’s the beauty of friendship.

you tell him, Chloe. (actually, without Chloe calling him out, he might have taken longer to figure out where Drizzle was. so...) // but also, it gives us a glimpse into the fact that, while Goh might have felt very lonely, Chloe has been observing and caring for him - in her way - for a long minute as well.

my very point above.

HEY, LISTEN: he doesn’t know, either. he’s a child, words are hard, and you rotate along the four moods of childhood (happy, upset, scared, hungry (?)) and don’t ponder much on anything else because you are a child, there’s no emotional intelligence to speak of, no need for it, you’re being shaped by your environment and all the stimuli of the world being a new place. things like loneliness, confusion, anxiety... we can’t put those into words - hell, they’re fucking abstract and confusing even when we are adults.

and Goh’s stimuli and environment was, given what we know of his family life, a rather lonely one. Did his parents have a lot of spare time to take him to the park? I don’t think so. Was he good at going out there and asking other kids to play? ... probably not.

Chloe doesn’t strike me as an extrovert, either, so even if she wanted to get close to Goh or invite him to hang out, perhaps she was too shy as well. Heck, perhaps Goh’s reaction would’ve been like the one above, he simply didn’t know. Maybe he didn’t want to ! and that’s perfectly fine as well.

am I forgiving the anipoke team for making Goh cry? no, never. but this was beautifully executed so I can grow to live with it.

“why are you depressed?” “you have nothing to be sad about!” “look at all the wonderful things you have!” “just be happy again!” - sound familiar? yeah, this was incredibly well done.

as adults, perhaps we see this and think ‘shit, how cool that they’re prodding on these topics, it’s important’ and it is !!! so important !! but if it’s this impactful as young-adults/grown-ups, imagine how impactful it must be as a child to see this and feel perceived. I’m honestly so proud of this moment, this whole episode. I’m grateful they took the time to look into this maturely. and even if children don’t do a full-fledged analysis on it, if they relate (like I know so many of us did) they won’t forget it. and that’s beautiful.

darling I’m blanking on your TW handle I’m so sorry - but someone in a tweet SO RIGHTFULLY pointed out that these are the words Goh would have needed to hear when he was younger. saying them to Drizzle it’s a full circle moment for him, he’s hearing them as well, and it’s helping both of them grow.

He’s not forcing himself as Drizzle’s trainer. Goh bears no entitlement here. He’s saying ‘Hey, if you’re comfortable, if you want to share , I’ll be here’ / as a kid, people did care for him, they kept wanting to know what was going on, but Goh couldn’t put that in words and people pestering him only made it worse, but if someone had said ‘hey, when you’re ready...’ then,,,,yeah,,,,maybe it would’ve been different.

he’s offering that safety now to his Pokémon, something he didn’t have, but he grew to understand is what he (and now Drizzle) needed. If that doesn’t have you breaking down in a teary mess then you are stronger than I’ll ever be, because my glasses were cloudy by this point.

why, why, why. because you needed to hear all that as well, baby! so did a number of us. thank you.

I’ll say that, however it was that you connected with this moment, that’s yours to cherish.

Personally, I too had a lonely childhood marked by parents who overworked, and I too spent a lot of time alone in kindergarten and through elementary school because it was hard to make friends (turns out i’m an extrovert, ha, talk about breaking out of your shell...) so, obviously there were easy common grounds for me in this episode.

but I LOVED to read the reactions and realize so many people still connected with it, one way or the other. So many of us felt seen and understood and acknowledged in emotions that are so hard to put into words !!

so, again, if you identified with Goh or Drizzle or any of the topics in this episode, that’s very beautiful, and I hope the underlying message that you’re not alone gets through.

With Sobble, and now with Drizzle as well, Goh is very adamant to remind us that, however we are, that’s fine. there’s something that makes us special, regardless of other people’s opinions, or their ideas of how we *should be* // that’s the message I’m taking with me, at least.

and i can’t wait to see how this story line evolves !! I have no doubts that, when the moment comes, Inteleon will be a wonderful addition to the team, but Drizzle is here now, and he’s plenty wonderful already x

Bonus:

ha ha, yes. I watched this episode three times. And all three times I was a mess.

side note but a very important one: the animation, the voice acting, the dialog, the scenery of the starry night - the entire scene was so beautifully executed. so carefully crafted. ugh, amazing. just perfect. so happy.

#all right this took forever #if you are still reading thank you #anipoke #pokemon journeys #ep 62 #we won't be forgetting this one now will we #journeyshipping #Pokémon Journeys: The Series #SatoGou #Firstfriendshipping #Goh #satoshi #Chloe #ngl Chloe was the mvp #calling Goh out on his bs #we love to see her #Goh I'm so proud of you #please keep growing #you're beautiful and i love you

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iamanartichoke · 3 years

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Congrats on the 1+k followers! I've only recently found you but I enjoy your opinions and the way you write <3

I was wondering if, for the prompt fic ideas, you would be interested in writing Sylvie and Loki exchanging magic lessons in an enchantment for enchantment kind of way.

I imagine them bickering each other with "Pff... That is too easy." and "Come on, that didn't take me so long to learn...", but they would also encourage with some "I know you can do it!". (oh god, now I picture them teaming in some prank against Thor... xD)

Thank you so much, @enabi-seira. Sorry this is a few days late, but it took me awhile to get going. Also my intention was to have something kinda cute and snarky but it ... didn't really end up that way, bc of who I am as a person. I hope you enjoy, regardless.

Summary: Sylvie gives Loki a lesson in enchantment Word Count: 2340 Author's notes: More or less inspired by the blanket scene, but with less awkward and more soul-bearing, bc well, why not.

It wasn’t until she let him into her mind that Loki saw himself in Sylvie.

At first, he thought it hadn’t worked, because all he felt was nothing. There was no sound, no air. But when he opened his eyes he found himself in what, at first glance, was Idunn’s orchard on Asgard. He stood at the center of the orchard, underneath the shade of one of the largest trees. In the distance, he could clearly see the golden spires of Valaskjalf and, looking up, Loki felt a twist of homesickness so strong it nearly knocked him off of his feet.

It took him a moment to get ahold of himself and, when he did and began to take a closer look, he realized that he wasn’t on Asgard at all. The orchard did not have enough trees and no golden apples swung from their branches. Valaskjalf’s spires did not glint in the sun; the gold was instead dull and flat. Everything, in fact, was much too dull and flat.

A chill broke out across Loki’s skin because while he was not on Asgard, he did know this place. He’d built it himself, had begun planting the trees and laying the foundations of deadened grass and dirt when he was still just a child. It was his in-between space, the pocket between dimensions into which he retreated when everything else was simply too much.

“How do you know this place?” he asked. His voice, rough with confusion, seemed far too loud with nothing to anchor it. “It’s mine.”

“It’s ours,” Sylvie corrected. Her voice came from somewhere to his left; Loki turned and saw her approaching, dressed not in the black and green attire he’d grown so familiar with but in a deep purple gown traditional of Asgardian formalwear. Her hair was longer, the top done up somewhat elaborately in several slim braids.

“I thought your enchantment would bring me to a memory,” he said.

“What makes you think this isn’t a memory?”

Loki opened his mouth and then closed it again, choosing instead to merely gesture at the void surrounding them. “Because this place isn’t real. I created it. As an -”

“An escape,” she finished for him. She’d been looking out over the orchard but now she turned her gaze on him, something sad and knowing behind her green eyes. She nodded. “So did I. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. It’s as real as you and I are, and I remember it.”

Goosebumps tickled his arms and the back of his neck. Loki looked away, turning in a half circle as he took in the sight of what he used to simply call the gray place, a place he’d thought had been lost; he’d not thought of it in years, could no longer remember quite where it was. The grey place had all but collapsed into the recesses of his mind, along with countless other memories he’d collected and subsequently lost along the way.

Loki looked up at the tree that still shaded them from the sun, although the sun itself was not very bright, nor warm. Everything was so still. Absently, Loki reached out and swiped his fingers along one of the lower branches. “No apples,” he said.

“Nothing grows here.”

“The space grows,” he countered. He plucked a few leaves from the branch and curled his fingers around them. “Grew. Each time I came here, it seemed bigger. It stopped being Asgard and grew into somewhere else.”

“It didn’t really, though, did it,” she said. She walked around him, circling the tree trunk. “Get bigger. It was only that we got lonelier.”

Loki looked at her sharply, but found he couldn’t refute her words. “You were much lonelier than I,” he said instead.

She shot him one of her Sylvie looks, her expression both indignant at what she perceived as a slight, and annoyed at his being right. She disliked when he figured things out about her, but he’d seen that expression more and more as the days passed, which meant that he was getting closer to her core.

Either that, or he was just annoying her more frequently.

“What makes you think so?” she challenged.

He gestured vaguely at the space around them. “Yours is farther along than mine was.” Now that he was getting used to this - both being inside of her head, and grounded firmly in the gray place - he could see the differences. There were more pathways in the orchard, fuller tree branches. In the distance, past the palace, he could make out the beginnings of a rainbow bridge. All things Loki had thought of bringing to the gray place, but adolescence grew into adulthood and Loki created new hiding places, buried deeper in the spaces between worlds.

Sylvie’s gray place felt like a place that had been visited often. Perhaps she even still visited, escaping through dimensions as easily as she slipped through apocalypses.

Her features looked pinched as she dug her fingers into the trunk’s bark, pulling at a loose layer. “When did you build yours?” she asked, instead of answering directly. “Start building it, I mean.”

Loki shrugged, leaning against the trunk. “I don’t know. I was young.”

“Tell me,” she pressed.

He glanced over at her and, despite himself, smirked. “Are we exploring your mind, or mine?”

Sylvie arched an eyebrow and then her features relaxed. “Beats me,” she admitted. “Seems they’re one and the same, doesn’t it?”

Loki’s nod was slow, thoughtful. He looked up, toward the endless gray sky. “I remember having nightmares as a child,” he said, and wasn’t sure if he was answering her question, or simply speaking in order to fill the silence. Her presence seemed to have that effect on him, regardless of whether they were together in the world or together in her (their?) mind.

“It was always cold in those dreams,” he went on. “Bitter, the kind of cold that gets under your skin. It was cold and it was dark, and there were never any monsters or dragons or - not the kinds of things children tend to have nightmares about. For me, it was that there was nothing. Just myself, and the cold, and the dark, and this intimate knowing that no matter what I did or how loudly I screamed, no one would ever hear me.”

She’d circled around the trunk again as he spoke, and now she leaned against it next to him, sliding down until she was settled on the grass at the base. “I don’t think I had nightmares, not like yours,” she said, “but I always had the sense of being wrong, somehow. When my parents told me the truth about what I was, and where I’d come from, I thought it would make the wrongness stop.”

“But it didn’t,” Loki guessed as he sat down on the ground beside her.

She looked over at him, meeting his gaze directly before she shook her head. “It’s in me still. At least now I know why.”

Loki didn’t say anything. They were sitting close enough together that he’d only have to lean in a bit and their shoulders would be touching, but Loki let the observation go without acting on it. Instead, he pulled at a few blades of grass, gaze settling out toward the far end of the orchard which, were this the real Asgard, would have led directly into Frigga’s gardens.

Instead of lingering on that thought, Loki turned his attention to the enchantment itself. It was very strange, the method she’d learned. Their bodies - their real bodies - were out there in the physical world, holding hands to establish the physical connection they’d needed for the enchantment to work, but they were also in here, and he could feel the ground beneath him and the the tree bark digging into his spine and the solidity of the space she took up beside him. He would have assumed that sliding into someone else’s mind would feel like a dream or a vision - not quite real.

“That’s when I began creating this place,” he said, realizing that he’d started telling her about his nightmares for a reason. “To escape after the dreams.” He’d chosen the warmest, safest place he knew then, which was the orchard, and he’d begun creating his duplicate.

“I don’t even really know where it was,” he admitted, with a short laugh. “All I had to do was think of it and, suddenly, I’d be there.”

It had started with the nightmares, but somewhere along the way it had become much more than that. Loki could remember disappearing into the gray place after arguments, or when he was frustrated and felt lost, or even just when all of the things inside of him - the dark things he’d never been able to firmly identify - became far too much and he felt like he would explode from the sheer force of them pressing against his skin from the inside, seeking a way out.

In Sylvie’s mind, all of the details were exact and clear, just as he remembered and more. Loki felt something hollow and cold in his core as it sank in - really sank in - that he and Sylvie were variants of the same person. The same soul, with the same dark things inside. What’s me is you, and what’s you is me.

The full weight of the realization should not have made him feel so lonely, but it did. For the first time since he’d met her, looking at Sylvie felt like looking in the mirror, the way one did when he was examining himself from every angle, identifying and hating every flaw he discovered.

“I know that look,” she said, and Loki blinked. He’d been staring at her, he realized, and felt his cheeks warm. “It’s hitting you, isn’t it? How we’re the same.”

Loki nodded. “It’s this place. I was remembering why I made it, and what drove me to disappear here. It must have been the same for you.”

“Let’s see.” Sylvie drew her knees up a little, adjusting her skirts so that they wouldn’t drag against the grass. “The wrongness of existing. Falling short, no matter how hard I tried. Always found wanting, compared to my brother. And, yes, loneliness.”

“Thor,” Loki said. His voice sounded so flat, even to his own ears, that Sylvie shot him a strange glance. He tugged at a few more blades of grass, pressing his lips together. He’d never asked her about her Thor, because he didn’t want to talk about his - the one who had ceased to exist when the TVA first arrested Loki in the desert and erased his reality, along with everyone he’d ever known and loved. Versions of them existed, of course - the ones who walked the sacred timeline, exactly where they were supposed to be, but those versions belonged to another Loki - a far away Loki.

He had his reasons for not bringing up Thor, but he didn’t know why Sylvie, likewise, had kept her Thor to herself. “Tell me about him,” he heard himself say, dropping the blades of grass from his hand. “Your Thor.”

“I don’t remember much of him, either,” Sylvie admitted. “More blips, like my parents. He’s more of a feeling than anything else - a presence. He took care of me; he pushed me to be better. I could never measure up to him, but I remember he wasn’t the one who was comparing. He loved me.”

“Yes.” Loki was hardly aware of speaking until he heard his own voice. “Mine, too.”

They exchanged a long look, and then Sylvie cleared her throat and turned her attention to the grass. “Could do with a bit more green,” she remarked. “It’s awfully dull, isn’t it?”

“I could -”

But she was already pressing her fingers into the dirt and, as Loki watched, the blades began to darken and bloom as lush grass sprouted outward, rolling from the palm of Sylvie’s hand to stretch in every direction until all of the dead grass had been made new again. Only then did Sylvie pull her hand back.

“Not bad, right?”

“Not bad,” he agreed. “Still feels very plain, though. I’d have added a little shading, a little variety. Perhaps a few more shrubs or rose bushes.”

“I’m not stopping you.”

The corners of Loki’s mouth tilted upward. He extended a closed fist, focusing, and then spread open his hand to reveal a tangled ball of colorful magic, blues and greens and yellows and reds all flickering and shimmering. Wordlessly, Loki tossed the ball; it landed several feet away and dissolved into tiny, colorful flowers, which spread swiftly over the grass.

Loki glanced at Sylvie, quickly enough that he caught the awe on her features before she realized he was looking; immediately, boredom swept over her face. She lifted one shoulder, carelessly. “Where are the rose bushes?”

“You are impossible,” Loki informed her.

“So you keep telling me. Come on.” She pushed herself to her feet and extended a hand, which Loki took without pause. “Lesson’s over for today.”

A split-second later, the gray place was gone entirely; once again, there was air to breathe and tiny sounds in the distance. Loki’s head throbbed; he opened his eyes and let go of Sylvie’s hand in order to press his against his temples. “Ow.”

“Yeah, return trip’s a little rough until you get used to it.” Slyvie - once again looking like Sylvie, draped in green and black - leaned back, watching with some amusement while Loki squeezed his eyes shut, rubbed his temples, and tried not to throw up. “Maybe next time we’ll journey into your mind. Probably’ll pack less of a punch for you.”

“I can handle pain,” Loki countered, finally letting go of his head. “My mind is off-limits. We’ve been over this.”

“For now,” Sylvie agreed.

“For always.” Loki arched his eyebrow at her. “Now. What lesson shall we tackle next?”

#various disclaimers: i'm basing my interpretation on how enchantment works on sylvie and c-20's scene #where there were clearly existing in *a place* together from c-20's memories #no idea if i've gotten the whole of it right or not but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#also be gentle i'm rusty re: writing quality #charlotte writes #follower celebration prompt series #loki+sylvie(bffs)#loki pokey artichokey #loki fic #loki series spoilers #loki spoilers #loki tv series spoilers

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filmmakerdreamst · 3 years

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How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself

I was living in a city all alone and these two characters showed me that it was ok for two women to love each other.

In order to understand the following story, there’s something you need to know about me. I have always loved fiction. From the age of about 5 to 11, I loved books more than I loved people. I was a shy child who found it easier to emotionally engage with fictional worlds than the real one around me.

See, fictional worlds are created for your brain’s enjoyment. Their rules make sense. Events happen for a reason. The narrator tells you why characters behave the way they do, allowing you to empathize with them on a deep emotional level. Easy to understand, easy to identify with, easy to love.

But real people are complicated. The real world is complicated. And things are seldom laid out nicely in a coherent narrative format for you. Real things are much harder to love.

This emotional disengagement continued from the age of 11 onwards, although it was no longer as pronounced. My habit of retreating into fiction would fade during good times and come back in force during difficult or stressful periods. During the stressful periods of college, the rise of Netflix allowed me to become certifiably obsessed with my favorite TV shows. And naturally, I joined Tumblr in order to more easily fangirl with people who shared my interests.

Only for some peculiar reason that I didn’t care to examine, my interests were slowly gravitating towards girl-girl couples. Soon I was shipping, reblogging, and reading fanfiction almost exclusively about female couples. But I, who had always considered myself straight despite lacking interest in the boys around me, didn’t think this meant that I was gay. I probably just found female couples more emotionally satisfying. I was friends with mostly women, I was a woman myself, so it was natural that I just understood them better. Yeah, that was probably it.

Fast-forward to nine months ago. I was living in Boston and incredibly depressed about it. My job and my boss were making my life miserable and I had very few people to socialize with. I was making the rough transition from the constant socialization of college to the isolating pressure of a city where I had few connections. My days and nights were some of the loneliest I had ever experienced. I looked for something, anything, to lift the heart-crushing emotional silence.

My solution was the same one I always chose when I was dissatisfied with the real world; obsession with a new TV show. And thanks to my femslash-focused tumblr community, I knew just what my next feel-good show was going to be.

My tumblr friends had told me this: Xena: Warrior Princess is an action-fantasy show that enjoys a cult status, much like Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (which I watched and loved). The two shows were made in the same mid-to-late 90's era, with similar bad special effects and endearing campiness. But XWP is much… MUCH… more gay.

That was about all I knew about the show going in. And amazingly, that was all I needed to know to be excited about watching it. You’d think that fact would have told me something about myself, but no. The mental walls of denial were years in the building and needed more force than that to be shattered.

For anyone unfamiliar with the show’s premise, Xena: Warrior Princess is about the title character and her quest for redemption. You see, Xena did some bad things in her previous life on another show (Hercules: The Legendary Journeys). In her storied career as a warlord, she committed such petty crimes as genocide, the slaughter of innocents, that kind of thing. But now she has seen the light and wants to atone for her crimes. Except she can never undo the terrible things she did. All Xena can do now is help people on a day-to-day basis and hope that it’s enough for someone to show her mercy.

Which is already fantastic from a character standpoint. But there is a secret mirror to Xena’s journey that is not reflected in the show’s title, and that is Gabrielle and her character arc.

Oh! Gabrielle! When I met her in the very first episode, I loved her straightaway. She is a feisty, naive, talkative small-town girl who accompanies Xena on all her adventures. Her character quickly assumes paramount importance in the narrative. Gabrielle is Xena’s only friend. She comes to know her better than anyone else and love her for who she is, all the while believing Xena can reach redemption. Yet Gabrielle is not just a support system for Xena; she goes on her own heroic journey. The two character arcs intertwine and co-develop in a way I have never seen in any show before or since.

As each episode rolled by and their relationship grew in complexity, I found myself more and more engrossed. And I came to realize: this was something I wanted. The day I accepted my own desire was the day I accepted myself. What could be more strangling than denying the existence of your own feelings? Yet I had been doing this to myself for years — cutting off the possibility of being attracted to other women — without even realizing.

Before beginning the show, I thought the fandom had read in between the lines to construct a romantic relationship between the two characters, the same way as femslash shippers do in all other TV shows. Except not this time. This one is mind-blowingly different.

Not only does the narrative place utmost importance on the relationship between Xena and Gabrielle, but the actresses bring such multi-dimensional love to their parts. When I saw Lucy Lawless (Xena) and Renee O’Connor (Gabrielle) interact, I could so easily believe that these two women loved each other beyond friendship. Xena and Gabrielle display every kind of love you can think of. They protect and sacrifice for each other. They tease and flirt. They cuddle and console. They have inside jokes with each other. They dance sexily. They play pranks and drive each other crazy. They sweetly kiss. They come back from the dead together. They bathe together. They raise each other’s children. They meet in alternate timelines and fall in love all over again.

I could have left my mental walls of denial in place. I could have said to myself “oh yes, I want this. But with a guy.” But no. Lawless and O’Connor’s incredibly attractive faces and bodies broke down the door of my mental closet. Precisely because they were fictional, I felt safe to admit my attraction to them. One of the key mental blocks I had always had towards accepting any attraction towards other women was the thought that I was being creepy. That since they could not possibly feel the same way about me, it was wrong to feel the way I did. But in my mind, that barrier didn’t exist with fictional characters. They couldn’t feel anything for me. Therefore, it was fine to feel whatever I want about them.

The walls cracked. The water came rushing in. Oh my god. I am attracted to other women. Like, every day of my life. Those flickers in my stomach when I talk to an attractive female coworker suddenly make a whole lot of sense now. I now saw my historical awkwardness when talking to beautiful girls, which I always dismissed as “me being weird”, for what it was. All those short-term girl crushes on older girls throughout high school. How was I so sure they were platonic? That heart-aching infatuation I had with my best friend that lasted for years? Yeah, add that to the ‘definitely gay’ list.

Since then I’ve realized that my feelings are valid regardless of what others feel for me. Just because feelings are unrequited doesn’t mean they aren’t real. That’s what Xena and Gabrielle taught me. Their fictional example was the final blow to my rapidly-crumbling resistance to the idea of homosexuality.

In our culture today, so many forms of media reinforce heteronormativity. How many commercials have you seen that assume attraction between a man and a woman? How many billboards tell women that they need to look sexy for the men in their lives? How many times has a movie ended with the guy getting the girl? It’s the combined action of a thousand small rocks shifting to make a cultural avalanche. You can’t move against it. All you can do is stand still and try to maintain your footing against the current, to maintain your identity in the face of a world where you and people like you are often swept away by the mainstream.

Xena: Warrior Princess is one of those rare stories that dares to go against the grain. It celebrates a romantic relationship between two women as the most natural thing in the world. And in doing so, it provides a mirror for me and people like me to recognize themselves in. There we are. Look at us fly.

This story isn’t over yet. I still have a lot of work to do to accept myself, but thanks to Xena and Gabrielle I’ve taken one huge step towards living the open life I want to live. I moved on from that horrible job and lonely city, but in the end I’m grateful. Grateful that circumstances pushed me to the depths of loneliness necessary to bring down the prison I had built in my own mind.

- How Xena: Warrior Princess Allowed Me To Accept Myself by Lyra Hall

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la-mariposita-de-palestina · 3 years

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Azula

!SPOILERS!

!DON’T READ UNLESS YOU’VE WATCHED ALL OF ATLA!

!PLEASE GO AWAY!

!YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

!BEGONE!

Long Post:

Azula is not a good person and does not deserve redemption. But that does not mean her redemption would be impossible, and that it should not happen in the coming ATLA media. Azula is a child, a sick, twisted child molded by the factors surrounding her. She was raised in an abusive household where safety was in the hands of her father. She never received genuine affection that she could directly identify as affection. And she was highly skilled and intelligent in an environment of war.

The royal family consists of Ozai, Ursa, Zuko and Azula. Azula must have noticed at a young age the environment she lived in, with one parent that held power over the other. Ozai abused Ursa, and Ursa seemingly favored Zuko, therefore Ozai abused Zuko. And so Azula absorbed this information and in order to be safe chose to adopt the ideals and behaviors that her father showed and shunned her mother’s and brother’s traits. Because one is safe and the other is not.

So she earns her fathers approval and “love” and faces scrutiny and “hate” from her mother. But she knows that her fathers love comes at a cost; her skill and usefulness to the Fire Nation, to him. She is never given the unconditional love she craves, at least she doesn't think so. Her mother loves her and the audience knows this and somewhere Azula knows this, but she never sees that love. We are never shown an instance where Ursa outwardly approves of anything her daughter does, only criticism. We know this criticism is Ursa’s love trying to reverse Ozai’s damage, she criticizes her because she loves her, but Azula can’t see that. She craves her love and when she sees that her mother outwardly loves Zuko, (who is inferior in her worldview; her fathers worldview) she doesn't understand. And finally when Ursa leaves, Azula is intelligent enough to connect the dots. Zuko was supposed to die, Ursa left, Zuko is alive, Azulon is dead, Ozai is Firelord.

Zuko is everything Azula hates, and everything she never wants to become and yet he has something she thinks she can never have: their mothers love. It only solidifies her toxic personality and values. Zuko is abused by Ozai, Azula does not want to be abused by Ozai. Zuko holds his mothers values, Azula holds her fathers values. That is what endangers him and keeps her safe. And Ozai’s abuse is not private, in fact it is very public, and Azula sees it all; his constant disapproval of Zuko, the Agni Kai, and finally, his banishment. She rejoices when it happens to Zuko, because it means she’s safe as long as she isn’t like him. It’s sick and wrong, but it’s a child trying to be safe.

Everything she is is a result of her father, her imperialistic nation, and a need to be safe yet loved (which conflicted in her home). But, the moment she is taken away from the eyes of her father and country she no longer needs to be safe, because the threat isn't here. And this is where things start to reveal themselves. Now she shows glimpses of what could’ve been. You know what I’m about to talk about; The Beach. Now yes I know, her seemingly affectionate moments could've all been a ploy at manipulating those around her, but all Azula’s actions of manipulations have previously had a specific goal. But Azula had no real reason to apologize to Ty Lee when she offended her. To keep her on Azula’s side? Azula is not afraid of being cruel to keep Ty Lee’s allegiance, after all she put Ty Lee’s life in danger to recruit her. So why use compassion now when her previous tactic of fear has not failed her? Azula had no real reason to get Zuko away from their old family cabin. To keep an eye on Zuko? She has let him out of her sight often since his return to the Fire Nation. Why bring him to sit with everyone now? Why keep him from loneliness and dark memories now? And then express an understanding of those feelings, that she too feels put down and saddened by the atmosphere of the place. It has no tactical value. Azula had no real reason to open up around the campfire. It served no use, and Azula is anything if not purposeful. But the whole day she was slipping up, letting her guard down, so why not now?

“My own mother thought I was a monster” She says like it was a constant thought in her mind. “She was right of course but it still hurt” She said like she didn’t care.

Yet the way she says it directly contradicts her words. She says it like she doesn't care, yet she explicitly said it “hurt”. To hurt is to be weak, and Azula hates weakness. And yet she plainly told her peers that she was hurt, that she is weak. That has no tactical value to Azula, once again, so why say it? Because Azula is unraveling. Her whole life she lived to serve the Firelord and her nation, but now that she is separated from that, her adopted values her behavior is breaking. She is showing compassion, remorse, and pain. She is not being tactical. She showing what could’ve been.

But Azula is not allowed to break, not yet. She is returned to the fire nation and reverts back to what she was, a skillful, manipulative, cruel Princess. Her brother is now a fugitive and she is chasing him once more. The Boiling Rock; the first time she sees that the system she has built to ensure her safety is flawed. Her system of fear, manipulation, and distancing herself from emotions. And so when Mai betrays her she cannot fathom why. Her methods worked so well before, why now? And Mai tells her it was love. The one thing that was unsafe in her home. Ursa and Zuko showed love, and Ozai hurt them. So how can love rival fear? She calls her a fool because that's the only explanation, a lack of intelligence. Then Ty Lee’s betrayal follows, but this one leaves her physical incapacitated. In a physical show of weakness, by the people who she thought she controlled, those closest to her. In one day, the two people she deemed most like her equals betrayed her, not because there was more power to be gained by doing so, but because of affection. And affection is inherently weak and unsafe in Azula’s mind.

Azula begins slipping.

She chases after Zuko screaming “I’m about to celebrate becoming an only child!”

In itself that line is not remarkable, but before all her words and actions are the epitome of control, and here she is yelling borderline hysterically after she has been betrayed shows that not only did it anger her, it might have broken her perfect image. And attacking Zuko is her way of reclaiming it. By attacking the embodiment of everything she can never be and never wants to be.

Finally, Sozin’s Comet; Azula wants to go with her father to cast the final blow against the Earth Kingdom, but Ozai has different plans. At first Azula doesn’t know why she won't be going with him and panics, stating he can’t treat her like Zuko. Zuko, the weak, imperfect one. The abused one. Azula has worked everyday to be safe. She is strong, perfect, and so she should be safe. So if he disapproves of her now, Azula is no longer safe. But he reassures her, telling her that she will become Firelord. Ozai used her to do all his bidding, capture Zuko, kill the Avatar, take over Earth Kingdom, but now that there is something she wants he ushers her aside to do something else for him. She wants to be with him when they enact HER plan, but once again she is neglected. But Azula accepts her new position, telling herself it's exactly what she wants, after all, being Firelord gives her safety, doesn’t it? And then Ozai proclaims himself the Phoenix King, Azula is once again inferior, at his mercy. But no matter, she must prepare for her coronation. And one by one, she interprets everything as a betrayal. a cherry pit, slight tardiness, and worry for her sanity. For if the two people closest to her could turn their back on her at a moment's notice then the slightest wrongdoing can become a most traitorous act in Azula’s eyes.

Azula is broken.

She can no longer take care of her appearance like she did previously and begins to hallucinate her mother.

But you see, she doesn't care what her mother thinks of her. That’s why she gets angry at the hallucination. That’s why she desperately explains her methods to her mother. That’s why she cries when Ursa says “I love you Azula, I do.” That’s why she lashes out violently at the mirror. She doesn't care. And finally when she sees Zuko, she reacts violently, and her fighting is erratic, and imprecise. Very unlike her. And she is bested, not even by the one she sees as her rival, her polar opposite, but by a bystander. Chained down. Crying. In front of her enemies. Just crying.

She adopted her fathers mentality for safety, when removed from the imperialist environment she was in we see her show compassion for no reason, and when returning to that environment she returned to those habits, she benefited from a system of fear and when it didn’t work her entire world view crumbled along with her composure, leading to her demise.

Azula is not a good person, she does not deserve redemption. But given time Azula has shown she can unravel, her cruel thorns can be soothed, and can be broken down. Azula is a sick, twisted child, and if the new ATLA media wishes to redeem her, I don’t see why not. And part of me wants that for her. To take away the last bit of power Ozai had in the world. To heal this 14 year old girl.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4544ZUr_gA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnpcAt_jaes&t=609s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKjB19FKhHI

#atla azula #azula deserved better #firelord azula #fire lord azula #redemption #azula redemption #atla #azula #my post

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evielallemxnt · 3 years

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"There are T W O types of secrets: those we hide from others ─ and those we hide from OURSELVES."

have you seen GENEVIEVE 'EVIE' LALLEMENT strolling around central park at lunchtime? rumor has it they’re actually A HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE years old, but i’m pretty sure they’re only TWENTY. they’re currently posing as a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR at LALLEMENT LAW, but when dusk falls, you can usually find them heading home to MANHATTAN by TOWN CAR. apparently they DID attend the met gala this season! @duskintro

* / CHARACTER INFLUENCES: Jake Peralta ( Brooklyn 99 ) + Veronica Mars ( Veronica Mars ) + Nancy Drew ( Nancy Drew ) + Claudia ( Interview With The Vampire ) + Rebekah Mikaelson ( The Originals )

* / ANTHEMS: PRETTY SAVAGE | YOU MADE A MONSTER | 7 RINGS

*** PENNED BY BRI FOR DUSKFELLHQ ***

FULL NAME: GENEVIEVE "EVIE" LALLEMENT

FACECLAIM: Savannah Lee Smith

AGE: 20 ( estimated @ time of changing ) physically | 135 mentally

SEXUALITY: Lesbian

PRONOUNS: She/her

POSITIVE: Intelligent, charming, loyal, brave.

NEUTRAL: Spontaneous, trustworthy, daring, cocky

NEGATIVE: Impulsive, self-destructive, snide, and Machiavellian.

ELEMENT: Fire.

MBTI TYPE: ENFJ.

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic neutral.

HOGWARTS HOUSE: Slytherin

AESTHETIC: Breakfast at Tiffany's, fine tailoring, diamonds and pearls and rubies, late-night bubble baths with red sangria, Chanel No.5, bubbly stocked fridge, penthouse parties, drinks @ The Blond, exclusive social club, wigs and disguises, sly smiles, bad decisions, midnight sleuthing, gossiping until dawn, closets filled with Birkins, eyes that hold secrets, smudged lip gloss, devilish temptations

TW: Death, dying, blood

* / BIOGRAPHY: The history of Genevieve Lallement is a tricky one. If you ask her, she became a creature of the night in some whirlwind fashioned tale filled with love, betrayal, and sacrifice -- all the makings of a heart-clenching closed shut story. But the reality? That's much more of a mystery.

Her genesis is one filled with darkness. No memories. No family. No nothing. The only solace coming in the form of her sire -- Cassius. He saved her from a fever that took many in late 19th century England and told her as much as he knew. That he had found her bedridden and sickly in a run-down isolation ward where patients were sent to die more than to be cured. Apparently, she had reminded him of a sister he’d once lost and he acted on an inner impulse to save an innocent. The staff had told him that she had admitted herself under what they proved to be an alias, so there was no way to notify family or even prove she existed.

She was a ghost. Alone in the world. And dying.

So, he gave her new life. Eternal life.

When she’d awakened from the transition, the ripe young vampire found herself unable to remember, well... anything. It was as if the transformation erased everything human about her, wiped her slate clean as she re-entered the world as someone else. Something else. Cassius said that vampirism isn’t a perfected process. There are some ailments that the immortal blood which now ran through her veins can’t heal. By the time he’d found her, her mind had already been overcome with the sickness that was moments away from snuffing her out completely. To drag her back from the depths of near-death, she had to lose some parts of herself along the way. There were some upsides, though. She clung to Cassius like a newborn, and he grew to coddle her as if she were his own. Being inducted into the Lallement family allowed her to see a world that was previously unattainable as a mortal having had come from the dregs of England. He’d brought her to New York at the turn of the century, and it was a sight to behold as she realized…this was HOME.

As the decades passed, the new Lallement glided through life. The adjustment to vampirism wasn’t as hard as it probably was for others. Sure, she had her hiccups, but it was almost as if the lack of memories helped. There was no other way of living for her to remember or to acclimate from. In some ways, there was no true loss. Her new family filled the voids ( even helped her pick out a new name ‘GENEVIEVE” ) showered her with endless love ─ and the bloodlust helped pick up the slack. For a while. As an immortal, it is easy to become distracted by the power, privilege, and play that is now bestowed upon you. But eventually, the semblance of loneliness and eternity creep in. For Evie, it was plaguing thoughts of the unknown that haunted her. Did she have a family when Cas took her away? Did they look for her? Mourn her? Soon all she could think of was the possibility that they somehow survived the plague and managed to continue on. This led her to try to trace their footsteps back to the town Cassius found her in to look for anything, any semblance of a clue that pointed to her previous human existence. Only for Evie to be faced with the harsh reality that the one hospital in town, the very town she’d believed herself to have been raised in, had burned down not long after they’d fled. Along with the patient records. Any possibility of tracing back her roots had been destroyed in a reckless accident and something in Evie c r a c k ed. Never again to be fully healed.

But if anything, she’s a survivor. Evie turned her sadness into something productive, going on to study criminology and criminal justice in the ’70s and '80s, along with a myriad of other majors she probably got too distracted to finish. Evie figured, if she couldn’t figure out the mystery of her own life, then the least she could do is help others figure out the mysteries in theirs. Becoming a private investigator sort of just happened, but it soon became her life’s joy. Piecing things together, going on recon missions, and doling out the truth was something that Evie not only excelled at but truly found fulfilling. At least ─ during the day. When the sun goes down, she resorts back to her party-girl ways, needing to find some sort of entertainment as a method to keep herself distracted. Because, you see, the only thing Evie hates most in the world is being by her lonesome. It leaves time for that inner sadness and loss to come creeping back in, to remind her that there’s nothing in the world to truly call her own. That the Lallement name is a placeholder for the truth. And that’s the one truth she cannot face.

So, she parties, boozes, pushes the limit because she has none, and there is always a need for M O R E. Because boredom is never on the menu. And when the town car arrives eventually to take her back to Manhattan, merely a few hours before she must be up for work, Evie revels in the few minutes of silence and thinks ─

‘Another day down. Only an eternity to go.’

* / PERSONALITY: Evie is, more than anything, fun. She likes to have a good time and to look good while doing it. Sure, her deviousness occasionally gets her into more trouble than intended, and in some ways, her childlike need to be paid attention to can be exhausting to people, but she is not all play. Evie truly enjoys being an investigator and will isolate herself for days, weeks even, if that means cracking a case. Her job and lifestyle have been carefully cultivated to always keep her busy so the facade can stick. No one knows about her growing concerns with the idea of unlimited time or the feeling of wanting a connection with someone -- anyone. Evie doesn't really give into supernatural politics or bias, and her ruthless side only comes out when hangry or when you threaten someone she loves. Then it's all-out chaos.

* / FUN FACTS:

She's gone to college several times and has studied many things but only holds a degree in Criminology and Interior Design

Currently paying a witch to figure out a way for vampires to get tattoos

Obsessed with all things horror and true crime

Officially identified as a lesbian in the late '60s

Has two poodles named Khaleesi and Drogon

Manhattan PD knows her by name

* / WANTED CONNECTIONS:

SCOOBY GANG/HARDY BOYS/7 RINGS - These are her people, her confidantes, her ride or dies. Can be supernatural or human, mortal or immortal. Whether they met decades ago or the night before, tipsy, in the Cosmopolitan bathrooms, they instantly clicked and have been loyal to each other ever since.

ROOMMATE(S) - Evie lives in one of the many ritzy buildings Manhattan has to offer. While having an entire floor to yourself has its benefits, it can feel quite isolating. So, the vampire opened up her doors to allow in some roommates -- free of charge!

ASSISTANT - As a private investigator, sometimes certain cases can become quite tedious. While her work rarely ventures away from mild cases Cassius needs help with, Evie does also take cases from anyone who needs help. Keeping everything organized, going with her on recon, and even offering their own input and theories is what they provide for her.

PLAYTHING - Now Evie isn't evil, she doesn't play with people's emotions ( at least not intentionally ) but she does indulge in the power and influence that comes with vampirism. Not only would this person be someone to go to for the occasional midnight snack ( where they're the snack sowz ), Evie would also indulge in their life. Making sure they're well taken care of, listening to the things they're going through, and being there for them whenever they need her.

FOES/ENEMIES - When you live forever you might make an enemy or three. Evie has ruffled a few feathers over the past century, that's for sure, and she has no problem continually poking the bear if she finds herself bored enough to do so.

also: literally anything else pls plot with me i'll send you kit kats and a coupon for a free taco.

#dusk:intro #i am: tired #but this was so much fun to do #come plot with my bby!

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prose-for-hire · 3 years

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‘Tis the season of re-gifting

[This is another super late 12 Days of Christmas fic]

Pairing: Faith x reader

Request: Can you please write a Faith x reader story where they’re both scooby’s but they’re not very close and haven’t really gotten to know each other but since neither of them have a family to celebrate Christmas with they decide to spend the day with each other and bond?

Requested by: Anon

Warning: Alcohol consumption. Reader isn’t close with their family and isn’t a massive fan of Christmas (or Santa).

You had never really been the biggest fan of Christmas. You didn’t hate it, but you weren’t as in love with it as everyone else seemed to be either. You didn’t really have anyone to celebrate with, which was the first issue. Your loneliness could be felt much more deeply at this time of year, you usually spent Christmas Day alone.

You and Faith weren’t close. You hadn’t even spoken that many times, you knew each other by association. She was a slayer and you were a Scooby, so she was around a lot. But there just hadn’t been enough in common for you both to initiate conversation.

You didn’t dislike her, you were kind of indifferent. Willow had been a little jealous what with her thinking Faith was poaching her best friend. But you weren’t so bothered by that.

You had been in the library, reading a book. You had slid the dust jacket of a research-related book over the book you were actually reading. You could never just come into the school library and read for fun without Giles’ judgement. It wasn’t a relaxing environment when he cleared his throat every so often in disapproval. He always insisted that there were so many more important things you could be reading other than the fiction that you indulged in.

The library had been decorated for Christmas, rather tastefully by Giles. It had a cosy feeling that you appreciated. It didn’t make you any less lonely, but it allowed you to be lonely in a pleasant ambiance at least.

Faith had walked in and found that you were the only one in the library. She was bored so she decided to speak with you. She spoke as she walked towards you but you didn’t reply.

She pulled the book down so it lay flat on the table. You hadn’t realised she had been speaking to you. You were escaping to some other place, you had forgotten you were in the school library.

“Busted” She teased when she saw what you were hiding, which made you roll your eyes and smile.

“Don’t tell Giles – he’ll have me alphabetising things again seeing as I have free time”

“You could just say no”

“And face Giles’ wrath? That’s worse than any big bad around here” You said solemnly which actually made her laugh through her nose and nod. She grabbed a chair, facing it towards her and sitting on it backwards.

You had never even on her radar really. She saw you as quiet. Which, you weren’t really. You just didn’t speak unless you had something to contribute. And Faith was sort of the action type leaving you with little space to speak.

You were about to go back to your book when she found herself not wanting to finish the interaction. She found herself wanting your attention. She saw something, a similarity maybe. You both felt like you were on the periphery. She hadn’t been watching you but she was perceptive. She knew the way you withdrew and read or sat away from people more often than involving yourself in the centre of the group.

“You all plannin’ some big Scooby party?” She asked before you could start reading again. You looked at her confused, “For the big day? Christmas?” She added when you still looked a bit confused. Oh. The big day.

“We don’t really do that. Uh, Giles leaves to England. Will’s Jewish and Xander and Buffy have the big family fun-day. So, we don’t really see each other until after”

“What about you?” she noticed you hadn’t spoken about your own plans.

“Me?” You were surprised she asked, “I don’t really… have anything to do”

“Huh. Me either” Faith admitted, looking at the floor for a moment before she looked back up and smiled, “We should do something. Bond, right? Me and you” She said with a bit of a humour in her voice.

So, you planned it. I mean, in so far as you said yes let’s not be alone you can come to my place. And she nodded and suggested a time. Faith had actually expected a rejection from you, which is why she phrased it the way she did. To play it off as a joke later.

But you had nothing to lose and nothing against her. She was actually secretly pleased she wasn’t going to have to hear the festive argument from the motel next door that would have been her only entertainment.

Christmas Day came and Faith came by in the afternoon. You had slept in, so you were fine with this. She knocked on the door and you greeted her, finding yourself a little nervous now she was coming into your living space.

You had agreed not to get each other anything, but she had arrived at your door with a massive parcel in her hands. Her Slayer-strength made it appear light but as she handed it to you, you sunk to the ground with it making her laugh and roll her eyes as she stepped into your home.

“We agreed no gifts. I don’t have gifts” You said slightly alarmed.

“Yeah, well, ‘Tis the season… for re-gifting. Buffy’s Mom gave me that and I have nowhere to put it” She shrugged. You looked at her suspiciously before opening the box.

It was a toaster. It was actually a good gift until you remembered that Faith didn’t live somewhere that could facilitate a toaster. It was actually thoughtful of her to bring it for you to have. She could have just dumped it.

“This is great, thank you!” You smiled.

“Yeah, well, like I said…” She didn’t see the need for you to thank her. It really had been no effort on her part at all. But your surprise made her light up a little. You were quite accepting and she hadn’t expected you to be.

You looked around, trying to find something for her, “Uh, I have a new sweater you can have but I guess that might not really be your style…” You offered gesturing at the ugly pile of wool in the corner that someone had sent you. You had thought it must have been a joke-gift at first but the note had read as completely serious. It was the thought that counted you supposed.

Faith had brought alcohol. A liquid lunch. You had never offered a Christmas Dinner so this would do. She wasn’t fussed as she handed you the bottle of hard liquor to drink from. You didn’t bother with cups. You would only have had to wash up after.

You passed the bottle between you for a while, sat on the floor of your living room with the tv buzzing in the background. You hadn’t decorated for Christmas, other than putting some fairy lights up. You had been given them by Willow and you thought you might as well make use of them.

“Why don’t you celebrate?” Faith asked, after a large drink from the bottle. She didn’t even wince as she passed it back to you.

“I don’t see anything to celebrate y’know. It’s all about family and I haven’t really spoken to mine since I moved here” You shrugged. It wasn’t their fault, you just didn’t know what to say to anyone back home anymore. Faith nodded along, understanding.

“You?”

“It’s always been a crappy holiday, ever since Santa left me a pack of smokes in an empty pillow case” she shrugged, “Kinda took the shine away”

“I was always scared of Santa” You admitted with a smile as the alcohol loosened your tongue.

“Yeah, always thought some creepy ol’ guy sneakin’ in at night was whack” she said shaking her head and catching your eye. You both smiled at that as you thought about it.

You didn’t realise how well you would get on with her. You thought it was such a shame you hadn’t spoken sooner. You just seemed to click. She reached for her jacket and rummaged in her pocket. She took out a cigarette and a lighter, “You mind?” She asked and you shrugged allowing her to light up her cigarette in your house.

It was late evening now, Faith had wrapped herself in your ugly sweater as there was a chill in the room. You had spent the entire day together by this time. Talking and drinking. It was actually nice. You had never really seen this side of her before. You would almost call it soft. She was the kind of woman you could see yourself falling for.

Oh no.

What had you just thought?

This would complicate things. What if she laughed or worse, broke your heart?

Nonetheless, you felt it. Identified that first note of the love song that would be playing in your hearts whenever you were near each other.

You were sifting through your feelings as you couldn’t help gazing at that beautiful face. You watched the way she turned to you, in the glow of the fairy lights you had decorated your house with. There was a smile on her face, one you had never seen before. One that now belonged only to you. You had made her comfortable. Made her feel like you really cared. She wasn’t used to this. Wasn’t used to kindness without some ulterior motive. And she couldn’t do anything except smile about it.

This was the best Christmas either of you had in a really long time. You were beside yourselves, both of you minds starting to grow attached. Grow to realise you were each other’s only weakness.

You didn’t realise it, but the biggest gift that year was the revelation that came with getting to know the other. One that would one day lead to a bond so deep you would redefine the word love for evermore.

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