#I’m basically staying conscious these days for very specific fictional reasons

[novelconcepts]

And now we begin (tentatively) vibrating with anticipation of when YJ S3 starts filming.

#sag aftra! you did it! really fuckin hope they got everything they asked for and then some #get fucked studio bigwigs #yellowjackets #I’m basically staying conscious these days for very specific fictional reasons #cuz oooh buddy 2023 has been a Year #so uhhhh. excited to see how that writers room is going

[sagamemes]

the sheridan tapes  📼  part two.   here and under the cut, you can find over 130 lines of dialogue from the horror podcast the sheridan tapes, specifically from episodes four to six, edited for roleplay purposes. some of these focus heavily on survival, war, science, and spooky stuff, but a lot can be used by anyone.  tw:  war, unreality, a mention of cannibalism, implications of manic behaviour.

❝  god, i hate snowstorms like this. not just getting caught in them, but the storms themselves. it feels like the earth’s trying to bury me alive every time it locks in like this. like nature’s rightly pissed off at all of us and doing its level best to crush us to death.  ❞

❝  that’s what yom kippur means:  the day of atonement.  ❞

❝  that wasn’t the first time i’ve caught him in my office, going through my stuff.  ❞

❝  normally i’d be annoyed at someone calling me young lady.  ❞

❝  thank you… you are so warm… thank you for letting me in.  ❞

❝  suddenly, everything fell into place. i made more progress than i had in about half a year.  ❞

❝  the thing i remember most was catching disapproving glances from my father every time i went to the library.  ❞

❝  why does time only run forward?  why does cause need to precede effect?  ❞

❝  no one knows if they can trust me with casework or not.  ❞

❝  i didn’t say i was interested.  ❞

❝  [he/i] was taken off duty and sent for psychiatric evaluation the next day.  ❞

❝  coffee. i was making coffee.  ❞

❝  i didn't mean to get stuck out here.  ❞

❝  that just goes to show how small humans really are in the grand scheme of things:  take away our tools and our toys and our technology, and we’re still just as vulnerable as we ever were.  ❞

❝  she was good at that:  making you feel like you were safe, like you could open up to her.  ❞

❝  i’m just going to cover that one up. no harm in keeping it out of sight for the moment.  ❞

❝  maybe there was someone in the stairs.  ❞

❝  i think i did the lion’s share of the talking, which almost never happens.  ❞

❝  i couldn’t get to sleep... i figured i’d get a head start today.  ❞

❝  i’m afraid i don’t have all of the details of your involvement with the… tragic events in [place]. and i don’t think i’m the only one.  ❞

❝  i’m still not sure i understand the whole tradition.  ❞

❝  whatever it is, it’s chasing me. i can hear it’s footsteps in the snow, i can hear it—  ❞

❝  when you work nights here, the less you really think about them, the better.  ❞

❝  honestly, i just can’t get it out of my head.  ❞

❝  snow is one of nature’s simplest and most effective ways of killing you dead if you aren’t prepared for it.  ❞

❝  i wish you’d tell me what you’re doing here. i could lose my job if anything gets broken or if you end up getting hurt in there…  ❞

❝  would you say you… considered her a friend?  ❞

❝  would you mind saying your name again?  for the recording?  ❞

❝  if that was true, then there was something—and as a scientist, i hate to say this—supernatural going on in that lab.  ❞

❝  most of them didn’t make it. a lot of them died afraid and alone, too.  ❞

❝  i know you don’t like listening to these things, so i just wanted to help you out with…  ❞

❝  if i could sleep, then trust me, i would.  ❞

❝  i’m guessing the new owners are trying to make this place seem less creepy than it already is.  ❞

❝  my schooling was expensive and unremarkable.  ❞

❝  a lot of them died afraid and alone, too:  ideal conditions for the making of poltergeists, in my experience.  ❞

❝  look, i’m sorry, but this really isn’t a good time for anything, so if you wouldn’t mind…  ❞

❝  basically, i was picturing a slightly creepier morticia addams. i couldn’t have been more wrong.  ❞

❝  now i have to deal with [name]’s aspirations to write drama..  ❞

❝  i promise i won’t get you sacked.  ❞

❝  i’ve never been very religious, but for some reason… it made me think of hell.  ❞

❝  i think it may have been a thank you.  ❞

❝  i’m working the graveyard shift and i noticed the lights were on.  ❞

❝  i shouldn’t be here. no one asked me to come in this early.  ❞

❝  everyone around here looks at me like i’m some kind of leper.  ❞

❝  i had to go home for a few hours. i’m already on thin ice around here, and i didn’t want to get in more trouble for screaming obscenities up and down the wall.  ❞

❝  it was… darkness. no, that doesn’t do it credit, the whole place was dark. this was just... void.  ❞

❝  if i’d seen her anywhere else, i’d think she was an athlete or a backpacker.  ❞

❝  better scientists than me have been bashing their heads into that particular wall since 1927.  ❞

❝  i just want you to know that… whatever you really are... you’re safe here.  ❞

❝  goats being goats, it would just come back the next day looking for food.  ❞

❝  i would like you to leave my office now… and i’ll ask you not to tamper with evidence in the future, understood?  ❞

❝  no, of course, i don’t have signal out here, so i can’t just call triple-a.  ❞

❝  what are you doing in my office—at four goddamn thirty in the morning?  ❞

❝  you ever wonder where the line is?  you know, between human and not?  ❞

❝  the funny thing i’ve noticed about war:  no matter how terrible the fighting is, there always seems to be too much waiting. too much quiet. too much sitting around, bored to tears between fits of chaos and violence, lost in routine while waiting for the other shoe to drop.  ❞

❝  a lot of people condemn them for that. we’re so sure we’d never resort to that—that we’d rather die than cross that unspoken boundary.  ❞

❝  i’ve been at the [workplace/institution] for ten years now. that’s long enough to know that the ones who ask questions are the ones who can’t cut it.  ❞

❝  the program blew every fuse in the lab. including the lights.  ❞

❝  it was soon after they left that i began to have trouble sleeping.  ❞

❝  perhaps we never knew each other as well as most friends do, but… we cared for one another.  ❞

❝  most of her questions are a bit above my pay grade.  ❞

❝  i’m trying, i’m trying! i can’t get the door open!  ❞

❝  i don’t know why she needed my help:  i think she had a better grasp of it than most science fiction writers.  ❞

❝  we both had places to be afterwards, so we kind of rushed. i really wish i’d taken the time to say goodbye.  ❞

❝  i guess some things just… don’t want to stay buried.  ❞

❝  it was completely against orders of course, but no one really noticed or cared that far from the front.  ❞

❝  i offered to buy him a cup of coffee.  ❞

❝  newspapers praised them at the time:  saw them as heroes of exploration and paragons of pioneer courage.  ❞

❝  i signed a lot of big, scary nda’s during my time there.  ❞

❝  i did the only thing that came to mind:  i took a grenade from my belt, removed the pin, and threw it.  ❞

❝  i doubt this storm will last more than a couple of days, and once it lets up we can sneak out of here and get going again. very, very carefully.  ❞

❝  given enough time, everything will rot away to its elementary components, and that, you can’t reverse.  ❞

❝  i really can’t see anything from inside the van.  ❞

❝  i knew there were a few experiments that dealt with some pretty high-level theoretical concepts, but i wasn’t directly involved with any of them.  ❞

❝  it’s a strange choice, but then again, he’s a strange man.  ❞

❝  i know, it sounds ridiculous. trust me, i’ve done everything i can think of to make that conclusion go away.  ❞

❝  scared the bejeezus out of a bunch of skiers, but they were nice enough to let me in after deciding i probably wasn’t a ghost.  ❞

❝  please… it burns my skin… please…  ❞

❝  i forgot how fast storms blow in up here.  ❞

❝  it’s not like i felt out of control:  it felt more natural than breathing.  ❞

❝  i didn’t know what i was doing, not at any conscious level. but one step seemed to lead to another, then the next, and then the next.  ❞

❝  it’s called a butcher’s shop in some places, but a mortuary in others. as much as i’d love to imply there was some sweeney todd style recycling going on here, i think the place has just been a lot of things over the years.  ❞

❝  god, these things are creepy as hell.  ❞

❝  if you wouldn’t mind, please, tell us what happened? in your own time, of course.  ❞

❝  it took a few long, nerve-wracking days to work up my courage and visit the section again.  ❞

❝  it’s not that odd to think that people ate each other out there.  ❞

❝  i didn’t think there was a ghost in my room or anything like that, i just kept hearing noises whenever i was about to fall asleep.  ❞

❝  i downed half a dozen energy drinks at 6 and called it dinner—i know, i know, it’s a nasty habit i picked up in grad school.  ❞

❝  they told me that the cpu and motherboard had somehow been melted into a solid lump of plastic and silicon.  ❞

❝  i mean, [name] was a pain in the ass, but at least he didn’t…  ❞

❝  my schedule was full, but i had something else fall through at the last minute. i had your number on my desk, so i thought i may as well call.  ❞

❝  i wonder if it was afraid, or if it even realized what was going to happen. it probably didn’t.  ❞

❝  i need to get more coffee. or punch someone. whichever’s more convenient.  ❞

❝  god, if that’s really how i sound…  ❞

❝  people think i write horror, but i don’t really think that’s true. i just write fiction with all of the comfortable little lies taken out of it.  ❞

❝  i have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night.  ❞

❝  i think he felt something about this place… some influence or power that needed to be destroyed, so he tried to do it the only way he knew how.  ❞

❝  well, it’s a tricky thing. the more realistic you make them, the more… unreal they start to look. i think it’s something about the eyes.  ❞

❝  i offered to stay late, just to smooth things over.  ❞

❝  maybe i can get some writing done while i’m stuck here…  ❞

❝  no child could grow up in a jewish home surrounded by books and not read at least one story about golems.  ❞

❝  i just wasn’t a good student, despite my love of reading.  ❞

❝  i have to say, i like your jane doe.  ❞

❝  she was a scientist herself.  maybe not formally, but her way of thinking, her insight, her methods... they were scientist’s qualities.  ❞

❝  seriously, what do i need to do to get a little privacy around here, a little dignity?  hang a  ‘ do not disturb ’  sign on the door?  change all my locks?  ❞

❝  maybe it was stupid, but i figured, ‘ hey, early december, not a cloud in the sky—should still be fine, right? ’  ❞

❝  jesus, [name], i wasn’t born yesterday.  ❞

❝  maybe doing this while it’s still dark outside isn’t the best idea.  ❞

❝  more than a century and a half have passed, and this place is still just as dangerous as it was then.  ❞

❝  now, [mr./ms./mx. name], i’m sure you know why you’re here.  ❞

❝  the [event] was a bust—only about a dozen people showed up all afternoon.  ❞

❝  i never put much stock in the idea of inspiration, but for the first time in my life, it felt like i wasn’t pushing myself through the muck of miscalculation and guesswork towards a solution. i was being pulled towards an answer that already existed.  ❞

❝  it felt like i was a few steps from finding out something fundamental. some truth about our universe that no other scientist had ever dared to dream of.  ❞

❝  huh. that’s… that’s weird. i could’ve sworn there wasn’t a sculpture back there before.  ❞

❝  apparently, no one had told them what i was doing, and i wasn’t actually cleared to leave.  ❞

❝  maybe he’s trying to make amends. keeping watch over these half-living things to make sure no harm comes to them.  ❞

❝  i expected the building to be wreathed in shadow and overgrown with cobwebs, but it's actually really nice.  ❞

❝  sorry, i was trying to get my recorder working, but it froze up on me so i had to find a tape for this old…  ❞

❝  okay. just… don’t get me sacked, alright?  can’t exactly retire on this salary.  ❞

❝  but if it was real—i don’t know if i somehow created it, or if it was feeding me information about itself before it appeared.  ❞

❝  i’ve never had a manic episode before, and i was well below the level of caffeine needed to cause intoxication. as far as i can tell, there isn’t a medical explanation for what happened.  ❞

❝  i don’t get the appeal of meeting real celebrities. it’s just a cheap shock of recognition, and nothing more.  ❞

❝  whatever this… thing was, it sounds pretty dangerous.  ❞

❝  are you familiar with temporal asymmetry?  ❞

❝  i just want to make that abundantly clear:  this /wasn’t/ the plan.  ❞

❝  right then, now let’s get started. please state your name and rank for the record.  ❞

❝  though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light.  ❞

❝  a cracker of a book, young lady.  ❞

❝  no wonder they’re keeping them in storage. they’d give anyone nightmares.  ❞

❝  i was just going to finish out my shift unless… you want me to stick around?  ❞

❝  i went to the university, but don’t remember much of the years i spent there.  ❞

❝  having to study textbooks and essays day in and day out took all of the joy out of reading for a long time.  ❞

❝  we call paradoxes paradoxes for a reason:  no matter how plausible they seem, they can never really happen.  ❞

❝  i don’t know what happened to me that night. i still don’t even know if what i saw was real.  ❞

❝  when we look into the void for too long, we find the monsters instead.  ❞

#sentence starters #sentence meme #rp sentence starters #rp sentence meme #rp meme #* sentences. #* meme. #sheridan #trying some minor new things w/ the formatting #especially for these longer #non numbered sentence memes

[gallavictorious]

“Will you suck my dick whenever I want?” Sex, Power, and the Gallavich Modes of Communication.

Becaue of reasons I want to talk a bit about the rather infamous “suck my dick” scene of 4x08.

This is a complicated scene and I have complicated feelings about it, which is pretty much the above-mentioned 'reasons' for writing this exploratory meta: when in confoundment, hash it out by putting all your thoughts down on paper. Fair warning: this is long, and since it deals with dubious consent you might want to give it a miss if discussion of that sort of thing upsets you. Same goes if you believe that Ian really is just asking for unlimited access to blowjobs, or find extensive (over)analysis of fictional works silly.

The accusation sometimes levelled at Ian in regards to this scene is that he's being manipulative and practically forcing Mickey into performing sexual acts he would otherwise not perfom, taking advantage of Mickey's emotional vulnerability to secure sexual pleasure for himself. He certainly issues an ultimatum and this scene is uncomfortable to watch because of that, but at the same time it's always seemed pretty obvious to me that endless blowjobs isn't really Ian's objective here. If that's all he wanted, he could easily get that without having to resort to extortion: finding sexual partners has never been a problem for him. No, there are other things at work, and below I try to figure out what.

Let's kick of by a quote from Oscar Wilde: “Everything is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

Because yes, this is about power rather than sex – which is another way of saying that what Ian truly wants isn't for Mickey to give him a blowjob, but for Mickey to agree to do it in spite of his initial reluctance. Which still isn't a very flattering look for Ian, because neither demanding blowjobs nor demanding your partner's submission is particularly charming (outside of negotiated kink, of course). However, I think it's fair to say that the power Ian seeks here is not the power to (permanently) place himself above Mickey, but the power to once more level the playing field between them and regain some sense of the agency and control that Ian felt he lost during the whole mess leading up to Mickey's wedding.

From the very start, Ian's been wanting more from Mickey than Mickey's been willing or able to give (not because Mickey isn't as into Ian as Ian is into him, but because of all that other shit: you know well what I'm talking about). To a large extent, Ian's been reining himself in, wary of asking too much, lest he scare Mickey off. Whenever he's openly pushed for more – trying to kiss Mickey, putting his hand on the glass, insisting that Mickey do not murder his father – Mickey has brusquely rebuffed him. However, he's had quite a bit of success with less direct methods, as when he 'gets' Mickey to kiss him by explaining that one of the reasons he likes Ned is that Ned isn't afraid to. (And for the record, I don't think this was a conscious ploy by Ian: he was simply being honest with Mickey, in a way that also conveyed his disappointment in Mickey's continued unwillingness to kiss.)

Ian's been in love with Mickey for a long time. For a long time, he doesn't tell Mickey this, which  is partly due to the above-mentioned fear of scaring Mickey off, and partly due to Ian genuinely not being sure if Mickey likes him back. (“How do you know if a guy you've been hanging out with likes you?”) But following the very obviously jealous beatdown of Ned, the kiss in the van, and the invitation to a sleep-over, Ian is finally convinced that Mickey does indeed like him too – only 3x06 happens and Mickey is not only shutting him out again, he's getting married to someone else.

But knowing what he now knows – i.e. that Mickey is in love with him – Ian doen't back off or try (to the best of his feeble ability) to play it cool. He puts himself out there, he puts his emotions on display, and he repeatedly begs Mickey not to get married.

Mickey gets married all the same.

Now, Ian has a strong sense of integrity and does not enjoy having to depend on someone else. Ian is not very good at admitting when he's wrong. Ian is proud. Because of this and quite apart from the heartbreak of losing Mickey to marriage, I'd imagine that he's feeling less than great about being scorned after having been so open about his wishes. (Well. Scorned is a somewhat strong word: Mickey's obviously still down for him, but he's not willing to give Ian what he wants – a real relationship, as Ian defines it.) As far as Ian is concerned, the situation has created a tangible power gap between them, with Mickey having the upper hand. (It might be argued that the power gap's been there the entire time, with Ian wanting more than Mickey was willing to give, but up until that point Ian has not actively asked for things Mickey's made clear is out of bounds but has accepted Mickey's marking of boundaries with a shrug and an 'oh'.)

Mickey's broken “don't” as Ian announces his intention to enlist isn't enough to bridge that gap: it's an admission of feeling, of need, but does not indicate any intention on Mickey's part to further act on that feeling. It doesn't change anything: Ian still wants a commited relationship, Mickey still wants Ian around to fuck him even while he stays married to Svetlana.

And for all that we sympathize with Mickey – which we bloody well should, because he was the victim of a horrible crime and trapped in the shittiest of situations through no fault of his own – it isn't unreasonable of Ian to not want to be the secret 'mistress' of a closeted man. He's been there, done that, and quite understandably wants more from Mickey. He isn't wrong for trying to extricate himself from that situation, even as it's utterly understandable why Mickey isn't able to give him what he wants at the time.

Life's like that, kids. Sometimes there are no good choices, and sometimes no one's at fault even though everything's an absolute mess and people get hurt. (I mean, Terry's at fault. Terry is a huge fucking cunt.)

It bears saying that Ian isn't a saint and doesn't behave perfectly in this situation: he shows little understanding for Mickey's entirely justifiable fears, and rather than telling Mickey that he loves him, he insists that Mickey admits that he loves Ian, which I do find a bit presumptuous. Ian's small smile when Mickey comes close to breaking when Ian announces his plan to leave indicates that he finds some small measure of pleasure in knowing that he's hurt Mickey the way Mickey has hurt him: though I think it's not primarily pleasure in the hurt itself, but rather pleasure in what it signifies, i.e. that Mickey does care about him too. But that isn't enough; that isn't really news.

So he enlists and that goes the way it goes and then Mickey seeks him out at the club and brings him home, to the bed Mickey normally shares with his wife. This, I think, tells Ian something; it suggests something beyond Mickey just having feelings for him. It's just a suggestion, mind, so it doesn't actually resolve anything, but it's enough of a something that Ian's willing to have a conversation about possibly returning when Mickey comes to see him at the Gallagher house.

But Ian has a problem. If he simply goes back to be being with Mickey without anything changing he has effectively agreed to the sort of arrangement he joined the army to very pointedly escape. Quite apart from him not wanting that sort of relationship, it would signify a failure to proud guy Ian, and following his failure to even make it through basic, I think that's not something he's willing to allow. He still wants to be with Mickey, though. Knowing that Mickey is as unlikely to divorce his wife now as he was to call off the wedding, Ian can't ask for that; he can't ask again for the type or relationship he really wants – but he can't go back to what they had previously either. This puts him in a pretty  tough spot, and I think this is why he asks for Mickey to suck his dick. While not achieving exactly what he wants it still gives him enough of a something that he feels comfortable resuming his relationship with Mickey:

Firstly, it serves to even the score and redistribute the power between them. Yes, this is him asking Mickey to submit to him and for Mickey to acknowledge Ian's power over him, but it's a request made from what Ian perceives to be a position of weakness (because of the whole Ian putting himself out there and Mickey getting married in spite of that). By momentarily placing himself above Mickey, Ian seeks balance the scales, bringing them back to an even level. This is a one-time thing, over and done with once Mickey agrees. Evidence suggests this works very well, too: look at their interactions the next day, when they're back to their normal and easy back and forth. Even so, it's a pretty fucked up thing to ask for, but we need to remember that Ian has a fairly complicated relationship with sex, given all that he's been through, and probably doesn't take this kind of thing nearly as seriously as we might want him to.

Secondly, Ian wants Mickey to commit to an emotional honesty he has so far resisted. If they can't be an official couple, he still wants that much. They were getting somewhere before Terry fucked everything up, and Ian has zero interest in going back to a relationship where Mickey pretends that it's only about the banging and shies away from any notions of an emotional involvement.

Ian wants Mickey to let himself be vulnerable with Ian, and while performing a sexual act to signify a commitment not to let things be only about sex seems pretty damned contradictory at first glance, this specific type of sexual act – which is bitch-coded in the enviroment Mickey has grown up in and which he probably finds hard to admit that he likes (until he doesn't: “I suck his dick and I love it” – but this line really supports both the idea that Mickey doesn't in fact mind sucking Ian's dick and that it's something that isn't “appropriate” for him to like; else he wouldn't have thrown it in Terry's face like that) – signifies more that just the sexual act itself: Ian knows that Mickey likes sucking his dick, and he wants Mickey to own that (as Mickey owns being a bottom): he wants Mickey to lay off the bullshit and be honest about who is and what he wants, to Ian, if not to anyone else at this point. The last time Ian asked this of Mickey, Mickey kicked him in the face, so I don't think it's too hard to see why Ian would go about it in this way rather than asking for what he really wants outright.

What he seeks here is a promise of a long-time commitment, and that's why the “whenever I want” bit is significant, because it points ahead to the future, even if Ian has no intention of enforcing the actual sucking of dicks bit.

And I think it's very important that both Ian and Mickey are ver clear about the fact that Ian will not enforce this. I think they are: for all that they have trouble communicating at times, this is the sort of subtle signalling they are pretty good at. I guess it comes down a bit to character intepretation though: I just don't think Ian would seriously ask this of Mickey, and I don't think Mickey would agree to it either. They both see this for the one-time act of submission it is, with all that it signifies and symbolizes.

(Let's be clear: if Ian had actually continued to enforce this demand, leading them down a path of a 'blow me right now or I'm leaving' that would have been pretty damned horrible. The reason I don't think this happened, apart from finding it OOC, is the complete lack of evidence that things are weird between them going forward, and if Ian had been forcing Mickey, a rape victim, into performing sexual acts, things sure as hell would have been weird between them. After this, they're back on an even footing: they sure have conflicts, which culminates with Mickey coming out [and, yes – demanding that someone come out isn't great, especially when that someone is facing the kind of threats Mickey is, but at the same time it's perfectly reasonable for Ian not to want to stay in a secret relationship: again, it's a fucked-up situation with no good choices], but they're on level fighting ground. It's not the sort of conflict resolution I'd recommend, but it apparently worked for them, and given their generally messy dynamic, I'm not really surprised.)

In fairness, Ian isn't really being nice about this whole thing, and there's absolutely some glee and triump when Mickey actually agrees to do it. A sense of vindication, surely, after what happened between them just before Ian left. But do notice that while Ian kind of does rub it in – “suck my dick, whenever I want” with that pleased smile – he doesn't in fact make Mickey say it, even though Mickey's request – “don't make me say it, asswipe” – does make it clear that if Ian demands it, Mickey will. There is an element of payback to this whole exchange, there's no denying that, but Ian's not out to actually be cruel to Mickey: he wants them to be back on even and equal ground, and he wants Mickey to own his desires and emotions.

So yeah, it's still not great by any means, and it's still uncomfortable to watch, but if we take into account Ian's somewhat causal relationship to sex in general, as well as Mickey's unwillingness both to emotionally commit and to actually talk about things, I think it's fair to say that Ian is not trying to manipulate Mickey, but rather to stand his ground and express his wishes in a way that he believes Mickey can and will play along with. (I, incidentally, think that Ian might be wrong, and that it's possible that Mickey has missed him enough and worked with himself enough that if Ian had made instead asked “will we actually talk about our feelings” Mickey would have gone along with that too, to the best of his ability – but this is actually way easier for Mickey to roll with.) It is pretty messed up, but viewed through the lense of their shared history and less than straightforward modes of communication, it does make a whole lot of sense.

To me at least – as always, feel free to disagree or add your own perspectives. I view meta as an invitation to discuss, not as a finalized argument to end discussion, and there are certainly aspects I haven’t touched upon here. And if you have seen this discussed before, I'd be super grateful if you'd point in me in the right direction.

#gallavich #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #4x08 #tw: dubious consent #meta #yeah i might have gone a bit overboard with this whole thing #but it IS a very complex scene #and this is how i make sense of things #rambling endlessly about them #my stuff

[rametarin]

And further thoughts about the yaoi paddles.

If you’re under 20, and just now learning that fandom seniors in their late 20s, 30s, 40s, even low 50s, used to run around slapping eachother on the ass with yaoi paddles in anime and comic conventions after anime became a household media staple, you probably have.. questions.

You’re probably thinking, “Wow!! It was really lawless and anarchistic back then, wasn’t it! They never heard about personal space or sexual harassment laws! SOCIETY must have been SO different, back then!”

NO. I cannot stress enough, the Yaoi Paddle phenomenon was borne PURELY because the demographic MOST LIKELY to protest and be wet blankets about everything fun and sexual and admittedly VERY SKETCHY sometimes in fiction, and ALWAYS bad in reality.. turned off and said virtually nothing. Wokesters that’d protest about the environment and sexual assault against women would take off their Problem Glasses by night and act like paddling was harmless, contextually acceptable behavior.

Yaoi Paddle shit appeared because something absolutely magical happened in scifi and fantasy fandoms. It survived purely because boys didn’t complain, or their complaints were not taken seriously. I promise you, I assure you, if you grew up in the late 80s, your night time TV was INUNDATED with heavy handed messages about how sexual harassment (always male-on-woman flavored) was wrong, even proxy or indirect violence to women (tossing rubber gloves in their lap) was wrong, and to never, ever, ever do that thing or they’d rub your nose in it and consider you mentally diseased until the day you died.

Fandom was always niche, with sci-fi and fantasy stuff being off in its own little corner. Conventions, before the internet was king, was one of few places where more rural, disparate suburban and city-definition isolated geeks, nerds and dreamers could get together and just cut loose. Comic books, novels, video games. All that GOOD shit. But if you knew a girl in the 80s and 90s, you knew a girl that knew a girl that was getting them to be less tolerant and “more conscious and aware” (80s and 90s parlance for Woke) and when that happened, a new persona was created. A new bunch of dialogue options, created.

Suddenly they didn’t say stuff like, “Ew. Why is this character dressed like a SLUT? Typical male writers. Like we’d ever draw ourselves in this or put ourselves in this.” Because that’d be a personal, subjective opinion. Instead, the option to say, “It’s endemic in our western culture that male chauvinist authors and writers in a patriarchal system exploit femininity in media and reproduce misogynistic culture.”

And so assured this was true by mob mentality AND the idea that learned, educated, acredited and tenured academics had this opinion, they were scientists, and so they were right, permeated. Suddenly girl-fans had outlets to have justified apprehension for everything they saw and didn’t like or, if they actually liked it, STILL interpreted it through their lenses to be on, “the right side of history.”

It made fandom miserable and a sausage fest for a while, if only out of fear of driving away female friends. You couldn’t share that shit unless you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your female peers and friends wouldn’t disregard you like a “typical misogynistic western male” for enjoying that stuff.

Sentiments and peer pressure thoughts emerged. Like, “The comic industry is hostile and cruel to women that try and enter it, and they exploit the image of women for cheap dollars.” So they simply weren’t interested in comics- mostly- unless the comics were written by women and sold with that virtue in mind. In which case, you had boys glowingly mentioning just how much they liked this authentically written adventure by this female comic author. Isn’t that just so special? Not like those horrid anti-woman cigar smoking old man stories, right?

There was always something to nag and get vitriolic about with the media. That’s part of why the Whedon brand of feminist writing got so popular in the 90s. it was low hanging fruit of peppy “sassy” girl characters doing girly things. They weren’t like “other” girls written in comics and cartoons. They were actually girly. Not idealized infantalized children, like those horrible white men write, you know.

Well. Things were looking really bleak for the forseeable future. Lots of boys just felt like comics and cartoons were lost to girls that weren’t specifically into them, and that meant more sausage fest conventions or hobbies, and signing off hope on those things being respected and accepted on the merits of what they are and were. The girls had embraced serials-filed-off radfem rhetoric and lenses, sometimes without even knowing the origins of where those truisms like the Male Gaze even came from, just assuming it was true and indisputable. And it complimented their insecurities, so they’d embrace that shit until they couldn’t anymore.

And then.. something absolutely miraculous and amazing happened that blindsided this whole vitriolic culture.

Anime.

And amazingly, every complaint that a lot of nerdy girls had about the very much sanitized, policed and made PG writing and characterization of characters in western comics and cartoons, just... fucking up and vanished. Seemingly within a fucking YEAR, the entire social culture of Problem Finders, finding everything wrong about these stories, the characters, the writer and the company that produced them being misogynistic male chauvinism, dried up. Those voices quieted, or were shut out of the groups.

Media from Japan was some of the most infantilizing, sexist, tittelating shit compared to mainstream American comics and cartoons and video games, and girls fluttered to it like flies to shit. We had Buffy basically subverting boogymen that a bunch of girls had been taught were still relevant after the 1950s by fighting crime in melee combat with men, and winning, while wearing jogging pants and cracking sassy, like Lola Bunny being a “tough girl.”

Japan had doe eyed, waif bodied ballet dancers that basically farted iridescent glitter, hearts and all the symbols and shapes of the Lucky Charms, riding unicorns and fighting evil in cute outfits. Being childish and not at all mature or professional to show how womanly and competent they were, basically being overgrown 11 year old girls fresh off the playground swing set.

And the fangirls loved it. Those nagging voices that would speak up and remind them about misogynistic, male chauvinistic “societies” and culture? Just.. they fucking VANISHED from the mind for AN ENTIRE GENERATION. I’m not exaggerating. Tolerance and fun and innocence was back again. The problem-glasses felt too ostracized and alienated, or didn’t even want to wear them anymore for personal reasons, and the Radfem Baby Wokes just seemed to grow out of that collective hysteria and pretend it never happened and never existed.

That’s why the very EXISTENCE of Yaoi Paddles at conventions was just so fucking bizarre to those of us that lived up to that point. After, “Stay in your own personal space, boy. DON’T even TOUCH a GIRL unless she VERBALLY AND PUBLICLY CONSENTS or it’s proof you’re just living up to this misogynistic, objectifying society’s evil history!” was drilled into us, day on the playground by day on the playground, by women with axes to grind and good-boy sycophants performing sharing those sentiments for brownie points, it was so fucking surreal to IMAGINE girls just running around sexually assaulting and physically assaulting random strangers because they thought they looked like cute, gay men.

It wasn’t that they didn’t know any better beforehand, it’s that they COMPLETELY put those sentiments away and up and decided, as girls, it was okay to violate male autonomy because they weren’t women, and “it’s okay to paddle a yaoi boy ^.^!” With NO self-awareness whatsoever.

The very fact it existed is testament to how attention starved boys were for girls approving gaze and playful interaction, that they’d tolerate some pocky fingered little cow stranger smacking them on the ass with a plank of wood because it was a socially acceptable way to just interact with girls in their lonely assed fandom and interest. It was an acceptable way to meet girls and positively interact. That’s the degrading bullshit boys said virtually nothing about at the hayday of yaoi paddles, purely to be welcoming to girls in anime and hentai approving spaces.

WE GREW UP hearing and watching horror stories and boogymen stories about true crime and sitcoms and crime shows about evil evil men violating the personal space of women for lewd and lecherous reasons. We had it drilled into our heads that the tolerance for boys and men doing that was negatives, and the general sentiment was men caught doing that (to women, or children of any sex) were effectively free game for any violence you personally felt like unloading on them, confident that in such outraged rape and sexual assault hating times, juries would excuse that passion as a defense.

So if you look back on the era of Yaoi Paddles and think. “WOW. That must be like driving cars before they invented seat belts and cough medicine before they invented the drug safety and scheduling legal system!”.. NO.

It was not like the 50s-70s, where many of the rules hadn’t been written yet so it was anarchy and chaos. Yaoi Paddles existed almost PURELY because girls HAD no rules if they didn’t want to respect them. The Yaoi Paddle phenomenon flew in direct opposition to how interactions were supposed to go, and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE would tolerate the reverse; no cis straight man could walk around randomly smacking women on the ass with a plank of even foam in pantomime, or ‘floating hand’ pretending to be a perverted character. The double standard was GLARING. The Double Standard was a fucking bugbear that had grown from a tiny screaming goblin and was now hanging upside down from the ceiling, roaring.

But because it was GIRLS inflicting it on BOYS, absolutely no party cared enough to raise a stink about it. The Radfems kept their mouths shut, because boys were the recipients. The Radfem Sympathizers really wanted to spank boys, so suddenly they couldn’t find their problem glasses and instead put on their neko ears. The boys were either stoic and amused by it or really wanted to be seen as cool and not buzzkills, so they tolerated to reveled in it.

Many times when you hear about things that happened either when you were a child just too young to really personally experience a thing, or before you were born, we’re quick to assume it’s a medieval place and the people were so uncultured as to have never pondered the social problems of spanking one another on the ass unprovoked. Violation of personal space, personal sovereignty- all that. That was NOT okay at the time. It happened because fujoshi decided it was okay and nobody argued with them to not do hat, or they were told to stop and did it anyway.

And as I’ve laid it out, that is the most bizarre and surreal element to the whole thing. They DID know better, but felt it didn’t apply to THEM because they were girls, and a girl slapping a boy on the ass “as a joke” didn’t mean anything- because it wasn’t happening TO them, FROM a man.

And irony of ironies, it was NEVER okay, EVER, throughout that entire era, for the reverse to be a thing. It was very specifically and exclusively not. As a man if you ran around slapping cute looking girls with the Yuri Paddle, you goin’ to either juvy hall, or prison, boi. Both sexes knew it. And yet, yaoi paddles STILL became a thing.

#history #yaoi paddles #90s fandom #early 00s fandom

[the-opal-dragons-roost]

My decision to merge this blog with my daemon blog has got me thinking more deeply about how my stories/projects, mental state/mental health, and thoughtforms relate to each other and exactly how much I've blurred the lines between all three.

me getting ridiculously philosophical and overthinking my personal views on existence under the cut

also some stuff about daemons and Ghost and how they fit in with all this

I see my personal existence as something divided into multiple layers. These layers can affect each other, but the way they influence each other is not a 1:1 effect, and the influences generally move inward, or from the outside in.

There's the realm beyond my understanding or the "spiritual" realm. For me personally, that ultimately means God. To me, God exists and can influence any aspect of the next layer of reality that They want, whether They actually do or not. (This isn't a religious post and I'm not getting into it here, but it's relevant)

I'm not 100% sure of things that exist between God and my reality. I guess you could call that the spiritual realm or astral realm, the one where ghosts and spirits and demons and the like exist. It's something like, I don't necessarily believe in those things, but I will treat them with respect just in case and I'm open to being wrong about it, though that idea scares me.

Then there's my reality, which is the physical plane that we all exist on. Idk what else to say about it tbh. It's life as we know it. I kinda also put the internet in an in-between space in that my daemons and I can both directly and indirectly interact with. Y'know, 'cause internet.

The next layer to me, is what I call the Core. As described in my 'about' post, the Core is basically a geographical representation of my brain. It contains my hopes, dreams, fears, etc. and mostly reflects my mental health.

The final layer for me is the fictional world I've created for stories. This world doesn't really have a name, but it's basically what it says on the tin: It's the fictional universe that I created for stories to take place in. The characters there are exactly that: characters. Characters that I create and develop for the sake of their stories, and while they can mean a lot to me and are 'real' in the context of the world in which they live, they are ultimately fictional to me. They are unaware of my existence because though my Core and reality exist around them and can affect them, they are not actually part of the fictional reality.

Here's how I've blurred these lines for myself (specifically the ones connecting me, the Core and the fictional headworld) and why it's giving me a bit of an existential crisis, especially now that Ghost has been thrown into the mix.

Cairo, Agate, and Cobalt are daemons. They are my conscious/subconscious given a separate name and personality. In my mind, this makes them something like an extension of the Core. They are connected to it, they are a part of it (and part of me) but they cannot directly impact the Core in the way I can. They can also affect the fictional headworld, but generally don't since it's more my thing, and the world isn't 'real' to them in the way it is for the regular characters.

Because they're not corporeal, they can't directly affect my reality, though I can project them existing in it, and arguably they do interact with reality through me. The reverse is how I interact directly with the Core and fictional headworld through my 'sona, August.

And then there's Ghost.

The reason he kinda startled me is because there is another sort of 'in-between' state that exists between the Core and the fictional headworld. The beings that fall into this in-between state are aware of who I am as the creator and manager of their world, but can still interact and exist in the fictional world (tho generally they stay in the Core). I generally still call them 'characters' because they are aware of me only to the extent that I've designed them to, if that makes sense. I've made them to help manage some aspect of my mind/creative process, and that's generally their existence. They don't generally acknowledge my reality or the fact that I exist outside of August's presentation in the fictional headworld and Core (some of the older ones have some idea of my reality, but that's another story).

Ghost was originally another one of these 'in-between' characters, but when I went to develop a bit of backstory and some relationships for him in the Core, he basically looked me in the eye and said "yeah, we're not doing that."

While most of my characters have a 'mind of their own' and go in directions I didn't necessarily intend (most writers experience this), this is the first time a 'character' just directly spoke to me in the way that my daemons do. Ghost's understanding of who and what I am to both him and his existence is very different from that of the in-between characters, but he's also very different from my daemons.

Because he's not a daemon, he wasn't formed in/by the Core and doesn't have the same connection to it. however, because he fully knows who I am and my relation to his existence, he can't comfortably exist in the fictional headworld or Core on his own the way other characters can. Another issue is that the Core is under construction. Outside of the structure I call Home and Ghost's own house, there's nowhere to go and nothing to do. He is aware of my reality, but because he has no true connection to my Core thought processes and can't physically interact with my reality, he also isn't a fan of me projecting him following me around here the way I do with my daemons.

Which brings me to the present. Ghost's sudden self-awareness is kind of stressing me out. Because my existence alone can't sustain him the way it can my daemons, I need to actively give him time and attention that is separate from my day-to-day existence. Because he can really only exist in the Core, I'm having to scramble to make it functional, which generally consumes a lot of mental/creative energy. I think he will be ok and need far less devoted attention once the Core is less, uh, barren, but for now, I feel like I can't leave him alone too long because the emptiness freaks him out and makes him sad.

Thus, the development of the geographical representation of my brain is put on a rush order. To be honest, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Because my big comic project revolves around rebuilding/fixing the Core, I've been needing to do this for a while now, so despite the urgency stressing me a bit, I guess this is a good thing? It's the reality we're both living with, so yeah, that's what I'm doing for now. At the very least, my daemons can help spend time with him in the Core when I can't. Really, my biggest obstacle with all this is the fact that I have the attention span of a goldfish. Working on it tho.

#oof that got longer than intended #thoughtform #daemonism #about Ghost #headstuff #the-dragon-speaks

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #320

we on a spree today!

Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? Give me the happiness, please. What happened the last time you cried? I was having a PTSD episode. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something? I think the most nervous I've ever been was in elementary school when I won the D.A.R.E. essay contest and had to read my paper in front of the whole 4th and 5th grade in the gym. There may be something else, though, there's just a LOT of instances where I've been an anxious mess. What was the greatest television show of all time? Meerkat Manor, man. I canNOT wait for it to resume, I believe this summer. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it? Maybe petting a meerkat, particularly a descendant of a Meerkat Manor character, Flower Whiskers in specific. I would cry, and that is a promise. I am just... so thankful for those little creatures. Because of them, I've met so many irreplacable friends and developed a hobby that was a way to dump my creativity into since I was what, 10 years old? What celebrity would you trade lives with? BITCH let me be Amy Nelson (Mark's gf) for OBVIOUS REASONS. Haha on a serious note though she is an INCREDIBLE person that I'm so glad Mark found. :'''') What story do your friends still give you crap about? Nothing, really. What is your weirdest dealbreaker? I'unno... define a "weird" dealbreaker. I find mine to be pretty reasonable. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day? Well, look at myself in a mirror? See how I look. What is the weirdest quirk your family has? We have this thing where we say "I love you mostest period" at random to imply we love the other person more than they could love us, indisputably. How old is the last person you kissed on the cheek or lips? On the cheek, it was either my niece or nephew, who are 4 and 6. The person I last kissed on the lips is 22. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Not anymore, no. I don't wear jeans. Do you think you could live with your best friend? I would fuckin LOVE to. Do you have someone who you can be your complete self around? I'm most comfortable with myself around Sara. What were you doing when you found out Michael Jackson was dead? I was swimming in the pool while Dad was grilling lunch. The last person you kissed, was it a drunken or sober? Sober. Have you ever introduced yourself with a name other than your own? Online, I've introduced myself with my account name, but generally, I say I'm Brittany. Are any of your siblings married? I don't know about the half-sister I don't know, but two are married, and one is engaged. Do you use an umbrella when it rains? Not usually, no. When was the last time you had a lot of fun? A lot of fun? That's one damn good question. Probably not since I last hung out with Sara. The last time you cried, who was there to comfort you? I was alone. What was your most recent reason for smiling / laughing? I chuckled at something in a John Wolfe video. Are you attracted to the last person you talked to? Um, that would be my mother. So no. Do you like your middle name, or does it embarrass you? It's pretty, but I hate having it. It's one of the most common white chick middle names ever. Are your toenails painted? No; I don't paint my nails. When was the last time you couldn't stop laughing? Why? Probably a funny YT video, I dunno. Any ways in which you're very different from the person you love/like? We have some differing political views. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? The timing felt right and I love(d) her. Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Yeah. Who was the last person’s voice you heard? Besides via YouTube, my mom's. Who do you get along with best in your family? Mom. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? Oh, absolutely my mother. Has your phone ever gone off in the middle of a class at school? Oh god no, I'd die. The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? I never do. It adds oil to your hair, and mine is naturally oily enough. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? DARK. Do you have an item of clothing that reminds you of someone? Tell me about it, and the person it reminds you of. I have a good handful of those. When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? I just listen, usually. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yeah. Does more than one person like you? *shrug* You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? I fucking hate that my answer is "Jason." If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long? As far as I'm concerned, my hair will never be long again. I love it so much more short. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? I'd... honestly probably kill myself. I don't know that with certainty, but yeah. I'd be pretty damn devastated. What’s the most expensive thing you own? Probably my snake. Name something you really can’t wait for? MAY!!!!!!! GIMME MY TATTOOOOOOOO!!!!! What do you want in your future? E.g marraige, kids… A great career, a healthy and permanent relationship, lots of pets, adventure, life satisfaction... Got any major celeb crushes? m a r k e d w a r d f i s c h b a c h Do you have any glow-in-the-dark items in your room? If so what? No. Have you ever stalked anybody? Yeesh, no. If you could be on any TV show, which would it be and why? I'll just hypothetically say I WANTED to be on television for this, because irl, I don't. Ummm. I guess That '70s Show, because I love the '70s, and it'd be so cool to have a big group of friends like that. What is your favorite brand of hairspray? I don't use hairspray. What is the last thing you tripped over? Our doorstep, lmao. Do you were glasses or contacts? If so what color are your frames/contacts? I wear black-rimmed glasses. Do you like stickers? If so what kinds do you like? Yeah. I used to collect them as a kid and put them all over my dresser. Do you like coloring? Yes. What is in your backyard? Some bushes and a shed. Maybe a tree. I've been out there like, once. Do you own a globe? No. What is your favorite wild cat? Snow leopards are the prettiest, imo. As animals in general, I find lions the most interesting. How many continents have you been to, and which ones? I've never left North America. How many continents has your best friend been to, and which ones? She hasn't, either. How many continents has your dad been to, and which ones? Same as above. Have you ever been so terrified that you felt paralyzed? Yep. What’s a place you have a strong emotional connection to? The community college I first went to. Particularly where Jason and I took his senior prom pictures. Who was the last relative you visited? Grammy, before she passed away. My uncle was with her, too. Do you ever wonder what kind of person you’d have turned out to be if a certain event never happened to you? Oh, certainly. I wonder all the time what would have happened if Jason didn't leave. I could still be horribly depressed, or dead, considering ultimately, the event led to me finding the help I so desperately needed. Or maybe I'd be perfectly happy with kids and know how to be an actual adult. I was only a teenager, and yet with him, I never felt more mature and just... capable. When you’re home alone, do you still shower with the bathroom door closed? Yes. Have you ever bought something really expensive and ended up returning it? I don't believe so. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? Amy Lee is the brazenly obvious answer. What are your top 3 favorite genres of music? Metal, rock, indie. Same general category, I know, but it's almost all I listen to. Is there anything you’d like to say to your last ex? We're best friends, and I talk to her regularly, so I can tell her anything. Where did you buy your dishes from? No clue. We've had the same plates and bowls I think my entire life. Do you think Mars will be colonized in your lifetime? No. Have you ever been on a ship? Boats, yeah. I think ships are just the really big ones, right? Sails and all? Do you ever take intentional breaks from checking/posting on social media? No. Who was Van Halen’s better singer - David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar? David Lee Roth. He's an arrogant bastard, but boy can he sing. Which fictional character has the most memorable quotes? I don't know. Maybe the Joker. Do you watch The Office? Gossip Girl? Grey’s Anatomy? None of 'em. Name someone you know with a birthday in December: Sara! What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. What is your dad’s name? Kenneth, but he's just called "Ken." When was the last time you slept in a bed with someone else? Not since I last visited Sara. Do you have any indoor pets? Both my pets are indoors. How do you feel about teenagers claiming to be in love? It's entirely possible. I was; nobody could EVER convince me I wasn't. Are you dating anyone? If so, for how long? No. Do you know anyone with Down's Syndrome? I think so? What animal that is endangered is your favorite? Oh yikes, I don't know. I don't really know every endangered animal, y'know, and I love all animals SO much. Maybe elephants or tigers. How do you believe the Earth and life on it was created? I feel like there was SOME sort of ultimate intelligence that created the universe, but I don't know anything about it/him/her/whatever. Then I believe in evolution. Basically, some sort of conscious creation, and then let life do its thing. What’s your religion? I don't have one. You could say theism, but is that even a proper religion? Do you like your teeth? No. During my worst depression, I was very bad at taking care of them, and now they have a yellowish tint. Have you considered getting contacts that change your eyecolor? What color? Oh yes, I've wanted to have more sapphire blue eyes. Do you wish you lived somewhere else? Yes. Living in the suburbs just isn't my jam, but it works for right now. What’s the craziest color you’ve seen on a house? I think I've seen a pink house before? Don’t you hate the texture of lotion on your skin? Yes. What’s the prettiest cat you have seen? There's this brown British Longhair with beautiful green eyes that I adore on social media. Name's Smoothie. What is your favorite doughnut? Chocolate frosted or glazed. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. What is your favorite party game? Man, I don't even know popular party games, haha. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Neither of us do. No matter where we've lived, ever since Dad left, no one rakes. Do you buy drugstore make-up or high-end make-up? We always buy drugstore makeup. What’s the last good love story you read? I don't think I've read a love story since The Notebook. Do you own a lava lamp or disco ball? No, but I wish I had a lava lamp. When was the last time you went to the roller rink? It's been many years. Do you own a kaleidoscope? No. I did as a kid, though. Have you ever made an inspiration board for your room? No, but I absolutely plan to once I get a big enough board to hang on the wall, and my "office" is cleaned out. I want that room to be full of motivation. Who is the best-looking male celebrity? Take a wild guess. Where would you like to travel to next? Yellowstone. I want to spread Teddy's ashes there in an area with wolves to rest in his roots. Less importantly, I want to take looooooaaaaaaaddddddsssss of photographs. Where are three places you go to relax? Just my room, really. If you became famous, would you change your name to something exotic? No. What color is your favorite pair of shorts? I don't wear shorts, ever. List five items on your current wardrobe wish list. I've wanted a black, studded leather jacket since I was in high school. I also really want big, spiked leather boots, too. Then there's tons of band tees I want. Who makes great song covers on YouTube? JONATHAN YOUNG!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!! LISTEN TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!! Who is one of the best songwriters? Otep Shamaya. Painting or drawing? I strongly prefer drawing. Painting that shows brushstrokes or painting that looks like a photograph? The latter. The former can be quite stylistic, though. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair, but if you mean my actual body, my chest. Brown or white egg? I don't even know the flavor difference. Favorite time of year? October-December. Do you own a gun? I legally can't due to a suicidal history. Have you ever been in a castle? Excluding the Disney World castle, no. Are you a clingy person when it comes to relationships? I honestly am. Have you ever been bitten so hard that there teeth marks were there after? I mean, I've had hickeys before. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. If you found a baby randomly by itself what would you do? Call the cops and stay with it until they arrived. What is the most personal question you have ever been asked? I'd rather not repeat it. When was the last time you wished time would move faster? Literally every waking moment of my life. It's so sad, thinking about it. I'm just rushing my life away. Are there any owls in your room (as decor, of course)? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you enjoy hearing birds chirp? I do. Have you ever hiked a mountain? No. Where did you meet your first crush? School. Who is your favorite little girl? My sweetheart niece. What is your favorite song by the last band you listened to? Oh boy, don't make me pick. Does your best friend have kids? No; she doesn't want any, either. Where did you go the last time you drove for longer than an hour? The beach, I think. If you were pregnant, would you want a boy or a girl? Hypothetically, a girl. How often do you get fountain drinks from a gas station? Rarely, but every now and again. Who is your favorite character in your favorite movie? Mufasa. What junk food can you never pass up? Donuts came to mind first. But I think that's because I'm craving donuts, haha. Have you ever had a UTI? Yeah, multiple. I don't drink nearly enough water. I've had one so bad my kidneys hurt like a bitch. What's the last color you dyed your hair? Red.

#survey #surveys #questions

[hyba]

T A G : 11/11/11

I was tagged by @the-scum-initiative for the 11 Qs tag game - which is one of my favourite so I’m definitely looking forward to this! Your questions look awesome, @the-scum-initiative - thank you for the tag!!

Let’s begin!

1. Whom of your OCs do you find the hardest to write?  Why?

I think I find Mila’s father the most difficult to write. Mila’s father is the one character who is really quite different from my other characters in any of the books I’m writing, and sometimes it’s hard to get into his head.

Viggo can be difficult too, because he’s supposed to be super smart and cunning and manipulative and I’m... not all of those things! Still, I’ve been doing a lot of research on writing characters who are supposedly smarter than you, the author, so that’s hopefully going to come in handy as I write Viggo’s character, especially since he’s supposed to be a few steps ahead of everyone at all times.

2. What does a typical writing session look like for you?

It usually happens at night. I’ll either be sitting at my desk or on my bed, and I’ll probably have some music or a movie on in the background because it helps me focus. If I’m really in the zone, I’ll write for a few hours straight without any breaks (or however long it takes for me to get all of my ideas out for the day). If I’m not really feeling it, I’ll get distracted every 5 minutes and it takes a lot of effort to keep me on track. Once I’ve got all my ideas down, and I’ve completely dried out my head, it’s time to wrap it up! I’ll often end a writing session with re-reading what I’ve just written and probably doing a few edits here and there, and then I’ll save, quit, get some sleep, and open it again first thing in the morning. 

3. How did you become involved with writeblr, and how has it affected your writing process?

I can’t quite remember how I got involved in writeblr or how I even found it in the first place. I’d joined Tumblr back in high school, and I used it mostly to go through and see other people’s posts and like the posts that I enjoyed, but I didn’t use my blog at all. 

And then, somehow, I found writeblr. Maybe I’d stumbled upon a post and it led me down a rabbit hole, but whatever the reason, I found it and I closely followed the writeblr community on and off for a while before deciding to try my hand at Tumblr.

I think writeblr can be a very positive place if you surround yourself with the right writeblrs. I am grateful that I’ve found some really amazing writeblrs to surround myself by because they’re all really quite positive forces in the writeblr community. I know there can be a lot of poiltics, drama, and gossip, and I’ve made the conscious decision in these past couple of months to really stay out of all of that because, at the end of the day, I’m here to write and share my writing and find other writers I can help support. I don’t want anything else to taint my experience here. Making that decision has actually helped me get more out of writeblr, which has been great! ^^

So, in terms of support and positivity, writeblr has been a great place for me, and I find myself constantly motivated and inspired to create while being a part of this community. 

On a slight downside that has less to do with writeblr and more to do with self-discipline, I’ve found that the amount of writing I do has really plummeted since becoming actively involved in writeblr, and this is mainly because I see all the amazing content on here and I suddenly want to create OC intros and WIP intros and posters and soundtracks and graphics and basically all of these different things that really take up a lot of my time. I’m getting better about getting that under control, though! ^^

4. Which fictional world(s) would your self-insert want to inhabit?

I’m not sure about specific fictional worlds... I guess the first one that comes to mind is Arda from The Hobbit / The Lord of the Rings.

I might like to check out East and West Egg from The Great Gatsby - it would be cool to go to one of Gatsby’s parties! I probably wouldn’t want to go more than once, but it would be cool all the same. 

It’d be pretty cool to be in the How to Train Your Dragon world (or any world featuring dragons that you can fly and befriend). 

Those are a few that I can think of at the moment, though I’m sure there are many more.

5. Do you prefer to edit as you write, or spew out a full draft before making any significant changes?

Edit as I write - always. I know a lot of people advise against this, but it works for me and it keeps me happy and keeps the writing going. ^^ I end up doing a lot of writing in a day and spending a great chunk of that writing time editing and re-reading and re-editing, and I don’t mind it one bit!

And, as a plus, I end up with a fairly polished “first draft” that’s been revised and edited dozens of times already!

6. What inspired your current WIP(s)?

Oh, so many different things! 

My fantasy novels were inspired by this one scene that I got into my head of this warrior kneeling at the grave of his loved one and swearing to avenge her death. From there I’ve gotten so many great ideas - it just really unleashed a fantasy writer I didn’t know I had in me!

My murder mystery book is based on my desire to have a nice, classy, elegant murder mystery. I feel we don’t have enough of those. So, I went all-out - 90% of the characters are extremely wealthy, the fictional settings are very opulent and over-the-top, and the entire vibe is (hopefully) dripping with luxury and elegance. 

Apartment - well, that’s a good question. Sleeplessness, perhaps? I came up with the idea late one night when I wanted to write something suspenseful and it just sort of... popped up in my head, completely out of the blue! 

An Entity in Your Midst stems from my desire to write a folklore-inspired story, and I figure what better place to start than horror and urban legends that most people are familiar with or at least aware of? ^^ 

7. What kinds of goals have you set for your writing?  How close are you to achieving them?

My goals for all of my WIPs right now is to get them published (fingers crossed!). I’m in the final stages of at least 3 of my WIPs that I’ve shared here on writeblr, and I’m already looking into the publishing process and how that works and how to make sure my manuscripts are ready for an editor and agent and publisher to go over! Really exciting, but it’s still months and perhaps years away. So I’m “close”, but in terms of time, I’ve still got to be patient and realistic! ^^

8. What stylistic elements constitute your writing ‘fingerprint’?

Fragmented sentences, starting sentences with And and But... My writing fluctuates between very long sentences and nice and short sentences, which is interesting. I use repetition a lot, and sometimes I write more as though I’m narrating, so that punctuation can seem a bit off to the discerning grammar enthusiast. I’m not sure what else to include in there ^^’ Brooding characters, perhaps? Dark stories? No romance, unless it’s already established! 

9. What do you do for fun (besides write)?

I love to bake, to watch movies with the family, to read, to do research (odd but true), to watch fascinating historical documentaries, to tutor / teach, to create graphics just for fun, to make art, to swim, to play group sports with friends (though I hardly ever get the chance)... There are probably a lot of other things, too, that haven’t come to mind right now! ^^

10. You’re suddenly and unceremoniously dropped into the world of one of your OCs at the current timepoint in that WIP.  What happens next?

Apartment: What happens next is I hide or escape ASAP. It’s much too dangerous here for me right now.

An Entity in Your Midst: I get myself on a plane to the other side of the world. I like writing about horror, but not a big fan of experiencing it in real life.

The Fall of the Black Masks: I think it’s just so chaotic that I wouldn’t know what to do! I’d probably head to the nearest hospital to help out.

The Pirates of Sissa: Absolutely no clue! It’s a pretty chill time in the timeline, all things considered, so I might just wander around and explore some shops and maybe even get myself a few souvenirs.

11. What’s your persuasion on tragic backstories?

I think tragic backstories are common because we like reading about them. They’re interesting and they set the stage for the character that you’re dealing wtih, and how they’ll react to the events that are about to befall them, and so many other things. Tragic backstories are very interesting, but it doesn’t mean every character should have a tragic backstory. 

But, keeping that in mind, it’s also true that in real life many people go through tragedies at some point or another - the death of a loved one, the breaking up of a home, abuse - the list goes on. Some might even see a particularly uneventful life as a tragedy in and of itself. 

That’s a wrap!

Here are my 11 Qs:

Have you ever tried keeping a journal to help with your writing? How did it go?

What’s the most recent book or poem you read? Did you enjoy it?

What does your writing space look like?

Do you have a favourite character out of all of your characters?

Which genre do you find easiest to write?

Would you like your book to become an audiobook?

If someone decided to make a movie out of your book, what are certain elements or messages that you wouldn’t want them to overlook or belittle in their adaptation of your story?

If you could take any movie not based on a book and write a book for it, which movie would you pick?

What are some cliches you try to avoid in your own writing?

Do you make use of sensitivity readers? Would you consider using them?

What other social media do you use as a writer? Do you share you writing anywhere other than Tumblr?

I’m keeping this an open tag for any new writeblrs out there that want to try out some of these games! ^^ If you do decide to do my Qs, tag me so I can read it!

#writeblr #writers #tag game #writing community #new writeblr #new writers on tumblr

[lethesomething]

A writer tag thing

I was tagged by @tottwritesfanfic and it’s an excuse to talk about fanfic. Let's do this!

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

Uh. Um. Since I am an Old, this username has existed since forever, and acquiring it involved a goth themed IRC chat room and some virtual naked table dancing. The Lethe refers to the River of Oblivion in ancient Greek Underworld mythology, because again, I was Very Goth at the time. I'd… I'ma leave it at that.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

That'll be Chocolate Hearts. It's not the one with the most hits, because it's not porn, but it's getting there, considering it was only posted in August. That whole fic was such an incredible experience, because I was getting daily feedback from people as I was writing publishing it.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It's Shimizu Kiyoko, because I still mostly write Haikyuu, and because she's awesome (and I, too, wish to be awesome).

Let’s put a cut here because this is Long.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I'd rather not name names, but I met at least one of my friends through AO3 comments. There's also a commenter whose style I liked so much that I started copying it for comments on other people's work. I absolutely notice when people drop by regularly, and I love every one of those people. I try to follow them back. There are few feelings more rewarding to me as a writer than seeing someone like one of my stories, and then go through the other ones I wrote for that fandom.

 5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I don't regularly re-read fics, because I have enough trouble keeping up with fiction I feel like I *should* be reading. In that sense, the ones I keep going back to are the long ones I'm subscribed to. Bell, book and candle is my go-to plane fic for when I'm travelling, for instance. It's a 1k page pdf on my phone and I try to go back and comment on the chapters I finished when I get to a computer (or like three months later, most likely).

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

*Opens statistics page* I don't so much subscribe to stories, as I do to people. And I'm apparently subscribed to 22 people. I have 33 bookmarks, but that's mostly because sometimes I'll go back through my history and bookmarks stuff that I still like a few months later.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Urban fantasy. That seems to be the AU where my mind goes into every single direction and comes back with 60k worth of words every time. Also, a disproportionate amount of characters in my fics end up being bakers or baristas. So, uh, make of that what you will.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

Um, I have 36 user subscriptions. 299 bookmarks. And 117 subscriptions to various fics.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Well, there's always stuff you come up with that maybe shouldn't be put to paper. When it comes to very self-indulgent, or very smutty, I try to stay my hand. I struggled a long time with whether or not I should publish any smut at all, because I don't want like… my colleagues to find it. What I ended up with, was several fail safes, and the promise to myself that I would only write… acceptable smut (so no werewolf orgies for you! not that I, uh, would write them otherwise).

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

So, uh, the very specific reason I started writing smut at all, was because that is the hardest thing to do. For me. Sex is, a lot of the time, awkward and funny and feely and there's a lot of emotions and actions going on, and I very specifically do not want to write lifeless mechanical porn sex. Because that's not what I'm here for. But that's difficult. I write to have the kind of stuff I want to Read, and I'm very friggin picky when it comes to smut, so it takes me longer to write 1k of smut than it does to write 20k of teen rated fluff. I wish I was better on that front.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

It's a mixed bag. I'm pretty sure me and @leeva-art  are the pioneers of all ShinToko content. And I did that whole SugaTen one. Looking through the list, I actually did a fair amount of rarepair shorts. I kinda like writing rarepairs because there's a lot more of the dynamic for me to explore.  But I'm currently writing a series full of popular ships (YamaYachi, DaiSuga, KageHina, IwaOi), because sometimes, those are popular for a reason. To be honest, I think the ship I write most is 'x reader', and I'm fairly certain that's an under-reported popular ship.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

I have 21 works on AO3 in total. All of those are finished one-shots or multichapters, except the one I'm currently working on. Yes, I'm proud of this :P.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

Oh god. So apart from the current multichapter one I have… one longish romance story that's been gathering dust for two years (The Aomine. I swear I will finish it one day), and… about four smut shorts in various states of unfinished-ness. And an Aizawa short that is like smut in the sense that it's a lot of action and feels and I'm Struggling.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

I do both. I'm a bit of a daydreamer, so I like to play ideas and scenarios in my head for a while, and then I jot them down when they've grown enough. But I'm also a talker, and anyone who has chatted with me for any length of time probably knows that an Idea can take root in a convo and I basically talk it out and two months later there's a massive fic brewing. My brain is an overexcited puppy.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Nope. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just not sure how that would work practically.

16. How did you discover AO3?

It's all Rin's fault. I pretty much only got into fanfic after watching Free! and discovering the joys of tumblr. Fairly certain I discovered AO3 while looking for Quality SouRin.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

Ahahahaha…no.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

That would be weird? I'm not Lady Gaga.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

I've been writing since I was a little girl. So the first stories I wrote were probably inspired by that one teacher I had when I was eight, that kept saying I was good at this. But I remember in my teens, wanting to write like Anthony Horowitz, and later like Terry Prattchett, or Douglas Adams. As for writing fanfic, that is the fault of Aleramicci and A Shadow so Great. That was the first time I saw someone take that level of world building and lore creation and character development, and spin it into this… epic tale. Because I have always imagined scenarios and characters in my day dreams, I was creating alternate endings for the Three Musketeers at 13, but I didn't think anyone else was willing to read them. I thought fanfic was, well, smut. And she showed me that you can create worlds out of nearly nothing (please remember that 2014 League of Legends Lore was total shit), and do it Well, and write it well, and… ugh.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Ok, where's that meme. I think the main thing is… just do it. You've got stories, you write them. But know that it is work. Like every hobby, it takes time, it takes energy and effort. You need to Make that Time. Very few people can sit down and just have the words flow out of their fingers. For most, it's Work. Once you know that, and you make the conscious decision to do the work, you can get shit done.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

I try to plot up to a certain level but I leave room for a lot of improv. Like especially for longer fics, I'll have a vague idea of where the characters end up and what needs to happen for the finale to… happen. The actual scenes aren't plotted though. I write better when I just let the scene take me where it wants to go. I've learned a lot from the Lock, the Key and the Sacrifice, in that it was my first Very Long multichaptered fic and it was Mostly Improvised. This meant that some character development got lost, and that I had to write myself out of some weird situations but also, some of the best scenes in that fic are complete bursts of random inspiration. Since then, I've gotten a bit more organized. I use OneNote to jot down 'spur of the moment' scenes to slot into stories later, and to make time lines and character profiles and all that. The actual fic is still me opening the Word doc and going 'ok, it's day six in this story, what should happen today'.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

I don't think so? AO3 readers are very nice and disciplined, I think. Either that or I've been very lucky. All I've gotten were a few comments that left me flustered, mostly along the lines of 'when are you updating', when I keep a very tight schedule. That sort of thing. I just leave those be.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

See above: smut.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Currently, My Girlfriend is a Goddess?!, which is a fantasy exchange gift that ballooned into a very long, multichapter and possibly trilogy book type thing.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

The Plan is to finish book one of My Girlfriend is a Goddess?! (the YamaYachi, aka the actual exchange gift), then take a break for some one-shots and whatnot, and then continue to book two (the DaiSuga one). So yes, I do try to stay somewhat disciplined. This isn't to say that inspiration can't strike like a vengeful god and I have to rearrange the whole thing. Chocolate Hearts happened while I was trying to work on the TenSuga, and it got written in like a month of furious typing. Shit just happens, man.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

No. I have a very unstable work schedule, and sometimes I'm just tired. I try to get certain chapters finished on a weekly basis though. I learned with NaNo that when I try to write too much in one go, the output is also not that great. I need to write, and then do a whole bunch of editing, and then write again.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Things are certainly going smoother now than they did two years ago. It's a certain… confidence? I think? A rhythm you get into. I got wordier, too. Not sure if that's a good thing.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

This is hard. That is a hard question. For the longest time, my fave story was Balance. But if I read it now, it does show its age. So I'm going to say The lock, the key and the sacrifice. I will always be super proud of that, because that's my first and currently only 'book' and I worked a year and a half on it. Not every part of it is amazing, but there's some Pretty Good Parts and I just felt such an immense relief and… satisfaction on finishing it.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

One of the first things I published was an Iwaizumi smut short. It's… ok, but it has some issues that I would iron out if I were to write it again.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

When I was little I had this Plan to write a bestseller and sell it to Hollywood and then buy a castle in Scotland and basically be JK Rowling, but I sincerely doubt that's going to happen. Goals, tho.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Coming up with random shit that blossoms into big, huge ideas and worlds and complicated plot lines. Like… that happens without me trying.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

The bit where you sit down to write through a part you've been struggling with. Those few paragraphs that you need to connect scene A and scene B, for it to make logical sense.

33. Why do you write?

Because I like it. Because I enjoy building worlds and scenes and characters, and sharing them. Because like all kinds of creative work, it has gained me relationships and connections to people I resonate with. Also, ngl, for the kudos and the comments. I get a lot of joy from seeing people enjoying my work.

 The tagging part. Um, I dunno if @skittidyne has done this one yet.  Also the usual suspects: @bsinoranges, @haruhi02 and @thekuroiookami   Consider it a subtle nudge if anyone else wants to do this.

#lethey writes #tag thing

[sage-nebula]

Do you have any advise, tips, or general guidelines for creative writing? I'm writing a Fan fiction for the first time but outside of basic rules for writing I don't really know what I'm doing. Mostly how to pace a scene and deal with tone. thank you for your time.

Hm, well, yes and no . . .

It’s difficult, because while I have trained for this (in the sense that I pursued a degree in this---my B.A. is in English with an emphasis in creative writing), so much of what I know I learned through practice. I’ve been writing for the past seventeen years, and in that time I have written a lot of stuff. Sure, a great deal of it---maybe even most of it!---was garbage, but the important thing is that I wrote it. I still wrote it. And through writing it, I learned what worked and what didn’t. This learning wasn’t necessarily conscious; although I of course have received feedback over the years (both informally through comments on my fics, as well as more seriously in the form of creative writing workshops), learning any art form is a matter of subconsciously picking things up as you go along. You always hear “practice, practice, practice!” for a reason. The more you write, the more you improve. The same goes for drawing, for music, et cetera.

So when it comes to things like pacing, or tone---that’s something I just sort of . . . do. I mean, your narrative voice isn’t something you can be taught, anyway. That’s always going to come from you. But when it comes to the pacing of a scene, to the blocking, to the dialogue . . . I don’t really plan that, I don’t have strategies for how I have that come across, I just do it. Of course, I can read over a work and pick apart what works and what doesn’t, and I actually can’t help but do this when I read something nowadays (it was drilled into me in my advanced fiction workshop specifically, I can’t turn it off), and in that sense I could say, “The pacing doesn’t work here, and it might be better to rework this part so that it reads like [suggestion] instead,” but that’s specific advice for a specific piece of work. It isn’t something that applies generally, because every piece is different.

So to that end, I’m sorry to be disappointing, but I can’t think of any advice to give. If someone asks me, “How do you construct your narratives?” or “How do you set your pacing?” I draw a blank because I don’t entirely know. I just do it. It doesn’t always work, and often times I want to chuck my entire laptop into the sun, but it’s still something that I just do, as I’ve been doing for the past seventeen years, and as I tried to refine in my various creative writing courses (but particularly my fiction workshops, and especially my advanced fiction workshop). It’s something I take very seriously, but at the same time it’s not something I feel I can really teach.

But that said, I don’t want to leave you with nothing, so some general tips:

When writing, stay in the room. This advice comes not from me, actually, but from Ron Carlson in his book Ron Carlson Writes a Story. In that book, Ron explains the “stay in the room” philosophy, which is essentially that, once you start writing, you do not get up from that desk until you’re done writing for the day. You don’t get up to get coffee, to go to the bathroom---you don’t let yourself browse the internet or look up names for your characters. Use placeholders if you have to, use gibbersih, but just keep writing. It’s very, very solid advice that I’ve found helpful ever since I”ve learned it. Removing yourself from the story even for a moment can mean losing your train of thought. As tempting as it is to get up and jump around sometimes, you can’t let yourself to do that. You have to have discipline. Stay in the room. 

Do not use epithets. Many, many, many fanfiction writers do this, and it is always a mistake. They are unnecessary and yank the reader from the story. So for instance, if you’re writing a VLD fic, you may be tempted to refer to characters as “the green paladin” or “the Altean princess”, et cetera. Don’t do it. The only time you should use epithets is if your viewpoint character legitimately does not know the name of another character, and thus has to refer to them by some sort of physical description. Otherwise, your reader knows that Pidge is the Green Paladin (for instance), and thus does not need to be told. It’s distracting. Don’t do it.

If you’re writing fanfiction, do go back and revisit the source material again, and again, and again. If you want to properly portray a character’s voice, you have to get in their head, and the best way to do that is to study them in their natural canon. Pay attention to things like body language, facial expressions, speech patterns and verbal tics. Yes, there are obvious things like having Keith cross his arms, but pay attention to the way his voice goes very soft whenever he speaks to Allura or Shiro, and the way that he always starts a lie by avoiding eye contact, yet then glances back up at the person he’s lying to, as if he’s either catching himself looking away and is trying to force himself to maintain eye contact, or as if he’s trying to gauge whether or not they’re buying his very shoddy lie. Lance gets shrill when he gets emotional, Hunk stammers as he trails off, Keith is known for being blunt and temperamental, but outside of his circumstances in 3x03, he never snaps or yells at Allura even when they disagree (e.g. 2x06, 3x04), and so on and so forth. Revisit the canon not just for plot points, but to really observe and pay attention to the characters. Get to know them and the way they tick, and remember: If you can hear the voice actors reciting the lines in your head, then there’s a good chance your reader will be able to as well.

Write a lot, and have fun. Don’t worry about getting it perfect the first time. You’re a brand new writer, you’re just starting out, and fandom (however often certain fandoms forget this) is supposed to be about connecting with people who have the same interests you do, and having fun. Most of what I write is, by my standards, garbage. But even if it’s garbage, it’s at least garbage that exists. I write it because I want to write it, and you should, too. I’m not saying that what you write will be garbage, of course. I’d never say that. But I am saying that you shouldn’t let yourself get too hung up on things. Do the best you can, and have fun with it. The most important thing is that you’re doing something that makes you happy. So long as you’re having fun, so long as you’re happy, you’re good to go.

#starlightprincess17 #my AO3 looks pretty empty #but my FFN is not #and neither is my fic page here #and that's not even counting all the fic that has been deleted over the years #or my original works #i've been actively writing for over half my life #so if i have any worth as a writer now #it's because once upon a time i didn't #but i wrote anyway #if you're brand new - don't sweat it #just do the best you can and have fun #just keep writing #if you want to be a writer the most important thing is that you write #so go do it. go write. go. be great. :)

[courtingstars]

Notes for Storming the Castle, Ch. 6

Hello again to my lovely readers! Chapter Six is the first chapter of Part Two, and I had lots of notes this time, from some cultural stuff to why I wrote about the Akashi family/household the way I did. First, a general warning about this part of the fic, since this is the first time I’m writing about Akashi’s family life…

Content Warning: My take on the Akashis in this series is going to be of a broken family that has become increasingly dysfunctional. I’m going to try my best to follow canon, to write Akashi’s parents with as much depth and backstory as I can while also staying true to what we know about Akashi’s dissociative disorder. I’ll talk about this more later on...

(Cut for the rest of the warning about content, plus more notes about the Akashi family, Akashi’s house, Bokushi, Yukimaru, and all kinds of cultural things...)

But I did want to warn that scenes with the Akashis will include mentions and depictions of emotional neglect and abuse, as well as portrayals of dissociation and other effects of trauma on children (particularly the death of a caregiver). I don’t think my take on the Akashis will be darker than the average KnB fic (?). But I’ll always include warnings when I write scenes like the one at the beginning of this chapter, in case you’d rather skip or skim them.

(These are difficult subjects, and I don’t want to throw these words around lightly, so for clarification, here is an article I found helpful that explains what emotional neglect is--in the case of my fic, the ideas about “unrealistically high expectations” and perfectionism are especially relevant--and I do find the “Definition” section on the Wikipedia page pretty helpful in defining emotional abuse. This fic mostly focuses on neglect and its effects.)

About the Akashi Dining Room

I’m guessing this was probably obvious, but I got the dining room from this scene in the anime:

(Sometimes I think my portrayal of Masaomi might be too harsh, but then I remember this scene and think, “OKAY BUT REALLY, WHO LETS THEIR ONLY CHILD SIT ACROSS FROM THEM FOR MEALS AT A TABLE THAT COULD FIT AT LEAST EIGHT CHAIRS BETWEEN THEM, I’M SORRY MASAOMI BUT YOU HAVE ISSUES.” So if you’re wondering where I got 95% of my inspiration for that first scene… That’s basically where. Poor Akashi. T_T)

(... Also, I won’t talk about Masaomi’s character in detail this time, but I should probably mention that a lot of my take on him was inspired by some of the pressures and expectations that apply to leaders of Japanese companies. Japan has a unique corporate culture, and some of the things he says to Akashi were my attempt to reflect that... Hopefully I can talk about it more later when I’m not so heartbroken over it.)

Akashi lives in a Western style mansion, which is pretty typical with anime versions of ultra-rich Japanese families. (More traditional wooden houses are generally used when the fictional family has strong ties to a specific part of traditional Japanese culture.) Since the above scene took place during the Teikou arc, I assumed the house was supposed to be somewhere in or around Tokyo.

I’ll talk more about the Akashis’ home in the anime—and the mansion it’s based on—in my notes for the next chapter. (Because yes, it does exist! And it’s awesome.)

More About the Breakfast Scene

In general, I think of the Akashis as a family that puts a lot of importance on their Japanese heritage, while also having some international influences. (I mean, that is a Western dining room up there with a suit of armor in it, so, uh… //laughs) It makes sense for an ultra powerful and wealthy family, since they’d probably be involved in international business, for one thing.

So I tried to convey this with a few things in the breakfast scene, such as with Masaomi’s choice of newspapers. I also chose the “Eggs Royale for breakfast” thing partly because of the fancy-sounding name (which amused me, because symbolic puns), but also because it’s a variant on Eggs Benedict that uses smoked salmon. Since the dish is popular in English-speaking countries like the U.K., it would have some international flair from a Japanese perspective. But Japanese-style breakfasts often include salmon or other fish, so it wouldn’t really be that exotic either? (Plus poached eggs can be kind of finicky, so it seemed like a fitting “everyday” dish that’s still being made for a family that’s rich enough to have a chef. XD)

On that note, I had fun coming up with all the breakfast foods in this fic… The range of foods that Japanese people choose for breakfast tends to vary a lot? Traditional choices are foods like miso and natto, but Western-style food is also popular. (You can see just how much variety there is in this awesome article.) I chose to make the breakfasts in this fic all ‘Western style,’ to go with the Western fairy tale theme. (Plus the Akashis have a Western house, and Furihata’s favorite food, the rice omelet, is a youshoku dish, which is a Western-influenced Japanese cuisine. So it seemed like a logical fit for a story about their home lives.

… And I was really tempted to start rambling here about how I wrote both the Akashis and the Furihatas as being kind of old-fashioned for a Japanese family in different ways, and how shitamachi versus yamanote neighborhoods in Tokyo are a thing, but I talk too much already. XD Maybe next time!)

About the Servants

In my version of the Akashi household, there are a lot of servants who fill different roles. I based this loosely off canon, from the maids that were shown in the anime (that brief scene when Akashi is born) to the part where Akashi is dropped off on his first day at Teikou by a driver. (Possibly a butler or a chauffeur... It’s unclear, at least from what I could tell! Random fact: In the English Wikipedia entry on chauffeurs, they use a photo of a Japanese driver—in super fancy white gloves, no less. XD)

In my stories, I went with an elaborate interpretation. So the Akashi household in Tokyo has a butler, who’s basically the manager/head of the servants. Masaomi and Akashi each have a valet who attends to their needs more personally, and a chauffeur drives them around. (Their valet can also fill in with another car, if the chauffeur is already out driving the other person.) They also have a chef, maids, and the housekeeper, who organizes and buys everything needed to maintain the house. Finally, Akashi mentions a groom who personally takes care of Yukimaru. (Though he’s actually one of the servants from their Kyoto estate.)

About Bokushi

Oh, Bokushi. //laughs I don’t really have anything that useful to say about him here, except that I missed him. (As anyone who read Playing Amends knows, my version of Bokushi has all the snark. Particularly when it comes to Oreshi. XD)

But I did want to briefly mention that I’ll be writing in a lot more detail about Bokushi very soon. (Mostly in The Vanishing Prince!) Also, the portrayal of Akashi’s dissociative disorder in KnB canon is pretty vague, as far as how both alters experience memory and consciousness. Based on the canon, I interpret Oreshi and Bokushi as being very co-conscious the majority of the time. I headcanon that they do occasionally black out, though, and then later gather information they missed from the one who was fronting. (If you’re not familiar with terms like alters, co-conscious, fronting, and dissociating, I’ll try to go into them more later, as well as provide some resources if you want to learn more about dissociative disorders in general.)

In Bokushi’s case, my headcanon is that he’s been spending a lot of time blacked out after the Winter Cup, while he was much more co-conscious during Teikou. I briefly hinted at this in that one-shot fic, Playing Amends, I mentioned earlier.

Also, this is probably obvious, but the way they call each other brothers comes from Oreshi’s comment in KnB canon that Bokushi is “like having a troublesome younger brother I need to apologize for.” The tone of that comment is probably 90% of my inspiration for how they interact in general? //laughs (Well, that, and their scene together in the anime in Episode 93… That scene is also where the shadowy ‘room’ for their shared headspace comes from.)

About Yukimaru

So I guess it’s clear by now that my version of Yukimaru is a bit of a bratty snob. //laughs (I have wayyy too much fun with him. Just like Bokushi and Kintarou. XD) I went back and forth on whether the Akashis’ house in Tokyo would have the kind of room required for stables and/or paddocks big enough for turnout. I ended up sort of splitting the difference, based on various arrangements for horse ownership I’ve seen in cities and suburbs.

Also, Akashi has Yukimaru in a halter in this scene instead of a bridle with a bit. Halters are normally used to lead horses around while on foot. From what I could gather, riding a horse in just a halter would require a calm, trustworthy horse, and a rider with enough skill and experience to pull it off. I was hoping to convey that they went on a quick, casual ride, so Akashi didn’t do the full tacking up routine with the bridle.

I don’t mention it anywhere in the story, but I think of Yukimaru as a thoroughbred with a super-fancy pedigree, possibly from a family of racehorses. So he’s got a very superior attitude going on. //laughs I also headcanon that his mother was named Shirahime (“White Princess”) and she was Shiori’s horse, so Shiori is the one who passed on her love for horseback riding to Akashi. (I drafted a scene forever ago between her and Shirahime that I thought was really adorable, so hopefully one day I’ll finish that fic… It’s about all the GoM, but actually more about their parents, for some reason? //laughs)

Lastly, in case you were wondering if there are white thoroughbreds out there, oddly enough, there’s a family of Japanese racehorses that are pretty famous for it! Famous as in one of them, Yuki-chan, is even mentioned and pictured in the current Wikipedia article on white horses. XD (I could probably also ramble a lot here about the Japanese symbolism/history with white horses, from the religious connection with Shinto to Emperor Hirohito’s horse in WWII and how everything with Akashi is an emperor reference, I swear, but you get the idea.)

Well, I think that covers just about everything, for now. Thank you as always for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the start of Part Two!

#storming the castle #kat writes fanfic #kat writes about basketball dorks #KAT IS A NERD WHO DOES TOO MUCH RESEARCH #and then talks everyone's ear off about trivial stuff XD #I could be so much worse though you really have no idea #cw: emotional abuse #cw: emotional neglect

[lilietsblog]

this post is going to get 0 notes i know and am not bitter about it at all. anyway fuck all of you im not putting it under the cut

...so reblogging that post about Chinese culture has brought my thoughts back around to my own individualism ideal

it's this romantic image stuck in my head ever since i first started getting my own interests and aesthetic and social circle and music taste (so, ~14)

like. it's not All That I Think Is Good In Life, in fact i have another romantic image, more recent, that... well, not opposes, but complements it to a whole world? anyway that's a different thing

this one is older and sometimes I feel like its an immaturity thing for me but also the more i grow up and analyze it the more i understand how important the core of it is to me

it's an image that comes from songs. russian 'minstrel' songs. filk? folk rock? whatever. they are a thing. and in them there's a thing - a romantic image of a 'minstrel'. obviously these girls (almost excusively girls) are talking about themselves (and grammatical gender wise the minstrel is usually male but also they absolutely mean themselves and its one part sexism one part breaking down gender boundaries I M H O bc just because the world minstrel is male doesnt mean the person it refers to has to be... ANYWAY)

...so yeah, a minstrel. its actually a pretty extensive and specific image. im not sure if its accurate to anything historically, and obviously its not accurate to anything about these people in real life. its a romantic ideal like i said and i have 2 separate OCs based on it with love and care as a deeply secondary but still important part of their design

The Minstrel is a wanderer. He (imma use he for now bc grammatical Russian gender and im gonna slip into it anyway. just imagine its a gender neutral he) doesn't stay anywhere for long. He does not have permanent employment. He does not own property other than what he can carry on his back. He usually doesn't even have a horse or any other means of transportation because he's pretty much dirt poor.

The Minstrel earns money by performing - making up fiction, retelling existing fictional stories, retelling existing historical tales, fictionalizing recent history, etc. If he performs for the wealthy, in castles and stuff, he is usually treated like dirt. Always -this- close to being killed for rudeness towards his hosts. He does not have a permanent patron. If he performs in front of the general public, he's usually able to make ends meet much better, and will often be universally beloved. He will often spread revolutionary ideas, put himself in danger via political stuff in various other ways, spread truth where it is suppressed. Tell the tales of people who aren't normally remembered, tell the other side of the story. One very particular variation probably based on a specific story that I just don't know is a minstrel who inspired a rebellion, then it was quashed with extensive cruelty, then the minstrel was cursed by the people for bringing all that about and must now wander forever, mute. Or something. I know it from like three separate songs, they are very beautiful but not very specific.

An important part of The Minstrel archetype is that he is like this by choice. He might have a home, property, everything, and then just spontaneously abandon it and go be poor. (Obviously the minstrel is able-bodied and able-minded enough to afford to do that. Although historically at least some people the archetype was based on were blind / otherwise disabled, and earned money by singing because they didn't have any other way. Never said this archetype was unproblematic) A minstrel might abandon his lute (or another musical instrument, personally I favor the guitar, sometimes a flute is featured, but the lute is archetypical) and go fight in a war to defend his country. This is a tragedy and a great unfairness. Usually the minstrel will die because he is a musician and not a soldier. It's a conscious sacrifice, nobody can CONSCRIPT a minstrel. Like, he just won't come and there's nothing you can do about it. (A more cynical variation is a young silly minstrel who is TRYING to die a beautiful death and succeeds, except nobody things it's beautiful they just facepalm and go 'well that was tragic and useless')

I have heard like... one whole song about multiple minstrels travelling together. I think the basic idea is that they meet people, then part again, then maybe meet again, like waves, from time to time. Randomly running into each other, spending like a whole week together, then parting until next time is the name of the game here.

All those are surface attributes. They are easy to gather, and I'm not a particular fan of all of them... it's harder to talk about the core of it, the thing that makes me love this despite everything that is wrong with it.

The Minstrel is an individual who is, for the most part, entirely without attachments in all the new places he goes. He does not have friends waiting, he does not have anyone waiting. Nobody knows his name until he introduces himself. Like, okay, maybe they've heard of him, but they won't know it's him until he tells them, and they might not believe him if he does. (A minstrel whose face is actually well known, who is relatively well off and can afford to travel with like... a bodyguard - he's a separate thing, he's not this trope)

There are many stories that imply that when people are utterly alone, when nobody is there to know about their existence, the reality sort of cracks under them, and they fall through, and they might as well have never existed. This trope takes that and says a hard NO. If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear the sound, the tree itself is still an observer. The Minstrel is somewhere alone, on his own, with nobody's viewpoint to support his existence other than his own, and it's good enough. It's valid. In fact, The Minstrel EARNS HIS LIVING by being just that - a living viewpoint. He tells stories, he shares his perspective. HIS PERSONAL knowledge and understanding is what he brings to the world, and it is valuable. He bears witness. Sure, he can have personal relationships, friendships, but he will leave them and go further forward in a heartbeat. His primary relationship with the world is that he /knows/ the world, and that he /tells/ about it. And the reciprocal relationship is that people know HIS STORIES. If he goes to a new country and hears his own song sung by people there, that is reciprocation, that is validation. He as a physical body does not need to be acknowledged, his presence in other people's minds is via the impact he made, and he himself might as well be a ghost.

(Yet, his physical body doesn't 'not matter'. It matters to HIM, and that is enough. He is a thing in himself, a complete entity, and he doesn't need to see his reflection in mirrors to know himself.)

(The Minstrel can very well be too vain, conceited, or alternatively, filthy and uncouth. In stories that feature echoes of this archetype, it might very well be a conflict that he is All That yet entirely unpleasant to interact with as a person. AND THAT IS OKAY. You might in fact want to try and murder him, and you might even be absolutely justified in doing just that, but you've still just killed a unique person, snuffed out a valuable existence. Hope it was worth it, you murderer.)

The story of The Minstrel is, to me, a story of self-worth. A story of your own story being valuable, no matter who you are, no matter how you are. Just existing, just experiencing things, it already makes you someone of worth. And yeah, the minstrel /tells/ his stories to make his living, but the only reason it works is because HIS STORIES HAVE WORTH. The service he performs is not so much that he sits and talks all day, it's that he travels, that he /listens/, that he /watches/. That he hears others' stories and gathers material for his own. Just being an observer is his profession.

It's... I don't know. I think this is an important ideal to have in mind, an important extreme to acknowledge, no matter how flawed particular incarnations of it might be.

It deserves to be a thing.

#i might or might not be still reeling from my post on backstory incidents getting 0 notes #i have 1000+ followers fuck every single one of you #anyway not bitter #right #moving on #individualism #minstrels #bards #i feel like 'bard' encapsulates the concept more correctly but the word used in russian is 'minstrel' #well technically 'menestrel' because its a russian word but whatever #bc 'bard' is already used for a slightly older and slightly different genre of music / musicials whoops #this is why bard is my favorite class in every single rpg ever #an easy way to glue me to the screen/pages of whatever is to put an incarnation of this in the story #shout out to isuzu #log horizon #might as well tag it