#I’m not enough my art isn’t enough whatever it was a few years ago isn’t there anymore.

[coldvampire]

.

#plagued by thoughts and emotions. #man lmao I’ve bitched out So many times this week from reaching out to people. idk. it’s been so long that I just feel like I’m #not important enough to justify it. & I did manage a bit w one person but also ended up #retreating there too bc I just got the sense I made it awkward somehow #so yknow. really great stuff on my end hdjfk #idk idk I’m starved for meaningful social interaction I’m starved for literally anyone taking interest in me atp #it’s such a roller coaster I hype myself up > doesn’t work out > crash hard & I don’t like it. it’s exhausting! it’s really fucking sad too #I’m so tired of my own company & talking to myself all the time. I’ve heard everything I have to say already there’s only so much I can do #I don’t even know what else to say lmao I feel like I don’t really exist anymore outside of my own head #I feel like I can’t get anyone to just djjfjf care about anything I have to say no matter what? #I’m not enough my art isn’t enough whatever it was a few years ago isn’t there anymore. #and I want it to be genuine I don’t want it to be out of pity bc all that does is honestly get my hopes up a bit but it can’t/wont last #I say that for everyone’s benefit too like djjfjf I don’t want to be annoying any more than other people want to be annoyed #anyway I’m going to try to shake this off a bit bc I can’t do anything right now #and I’m not even sure I’d be in the right headspace to have a conversation without decompressing first

[marypsue]

There’ve been a few responses to/reblogs with tags on my post about DIY clothing embellishments that basically boil down to ‘I’d love to do this but I’m scared it’ll turn out bad/I’m not a good enough artist’. And I get it, I really do! I also want my art things to turn out nicely. But also...making it badly is sort of the point of punk DIY. 

Listen. We live in a world that would dearly love to charge you a subscription fee for breathing. The bastards are doing everything they possibly can to figure out how to turn art - stories, visual art, music, textile/fibre art, sculpture, crafts and creations of every kind - into a neat, discrete, packageable commodity, a product they can chop up into little pieces and stick behind a paywall so they can charge you for every drop of it you want to have in your life. 

The whole sneering idea that ‘everybody wants to be some kind of creator now’ and anything less than absolute mastery right out the gate is somehow shameful and embarrassing is a tool those bastards are using. It’s a way to reinforce the idea that only a set group of people can create and control art, and everybody else has to buy it. 

But art isn’t a product. Art is a fundamental human impulse. Nobody is entitled to a specific piece of art (which is where this message gets skewed into pitting people who love art against the artists who make it, while the bastards screw us all and run away with the money). But making art belongs to everybody. We make up songs and dances and stories, and paint things, and make clothes, and embellish them, and carve flowers into our furniture and our lintels and our doorframes, and make windows out of tiny pieces of coloured glass, and decorate our homes and our bodies and our lives with things we make and make up, simply for the love of beauty and of the act of creation. Grave goods from tens of thousands of years ago show that ancient hominids gave their dead wreaths of ceramic flowers, tattooed their bodies, beaded their shoes. Making things for the sake of beauty and enjoyment is one of the most ancient and human things we can do. 

The idea that we can’t, that we have to buy shit instead, because art is a product and you have to have the bestest prettiest most perfect product, is the enemy of joy. It’s the death of culture. And it means that, instead of whatever it is that you cherish and enjoy and value, you get whatever inoffensive (and to whom is it inoffensive?) bland meaningless samey-samey crap that the bastards want you to be allowed to have. What are you missing and what are you missing out on, if you don’t make or modify or decorate anything for yourself, if you don’t think you can because the product at the end won’t be polished or perfect or marketable enough? What do you lose? What do we lose? 

It is a desperately vital and necessary thing for you to make shit. For you to know that you can make shit, that you don’t have to just lie back and take whatever pablum the bastards want to force-feed you (and charge you through the nose for). That the bastards need you more than you need them. 

Become ungovernable. Be your own weirdly-endearing punk little freak. Paint on a t-shirt. Sing off-key in the shower or at karaoke night or at open mic night. Make up a story where you get to meet your favourite fictional character and you guys hug or fuck or punch each other in the face. Make art. Do it badly. Do it frequently. Do it enthusiastically. Do it for love and joy and creativity and fun and the spiteful joy of thumbing your nose at some smug motherfucker with a Swiss bank account who wants to track your heartbeat and location for the rest of your life in order to automatically pump AI-generated beats matched to your mood into your earbuds for a small monthly subscription fee of $24.99/month. It is literally the only way we are ever going to have even a chance to save art and our own lives from the bastards. 

So. Paint that t-shirt. 

(Also support artists where you can, and buy your music from Bandcamp.)

#this post brought to you by: me being so so sad about zoomers having crafts and Making Thing With Your Hands Badly stolen from them #also by me listening to a radio show on How The Sony Walkman Changed Music And Where It's Going Next #ready for the san andreas fault to open up and swallow silicon valley whole forever folks #anyway. followers i am getting down off the cafeteria table now.

[shiraglassman]

Hey, I know this is kind of a dumb question, but I came across a TikTok about a month ago suggesting that dragons (the western, fire breathing, princess snatching, treasure hoarding ones) were rooted in antisemitic in the same way something like goblins are. I couldn’t tell if it was a joke or not, and it kind of sent me into a tailspin, since I’ve always loved dragons (I read the WoF series ONCE and wouldn’t shut up about it for 3 years), and I was worried that I would have to drop them entirely for fear of offending someone. I can definitely see the similarities between common antisemitic tropes and dragon tropes, but I’ve always heard that the origins of the western dragon were that it was just a scalier of the devil and not meant to represent any marginalized community. However, I am not Jewish in any way, and I’m aware it’s not my place to dictate what is and isn’t harmful, so I was curious as to what you thought. (Sorry about how long this is TuT)

I held on to this ask for a few weeks to try to make sure my response made sense, so here goes. Disclaimer that I'm just one Jewish woman who loves dragons, and I claim no expertise or position of authority. I can't guarantee that someone won't look at your special interests and judge you unfairly. I also can't guarantee that you'll be hyperaware enough and careful enough to catch dogwhistles if they're subtle, compared with ordinary fictional dragons. What I can guarantee is that your average Jewish person is not going to assume you are more unsafe to be around than other unknown gentiles just because you like dragons, but fandom spaces and Tumblr spaces sometimes represent a skewed or specific cross-section of the population and may react differently. I can't make any of those calls. I don't want to tell you to start tuning out marginalized people when we speak about our issues including bad representation, but I also don't think "every Western dragon" is a problem the same way the entire perception of Halloween witches is, for example. For "some reason" (antisemitism) we've decided that big hooked noses are a thing you strap to your face to fake being a witch, or the way witches look in clip art. This is an issue because it takes a simple, neutral feature that some of us have and exaggerates it to the point of looking nonhuman. "Ha ha," says the trope. "Wouldn't it be funny if this trait that these Others have was so different and so jarring in appearance that they looked as different as they truly are, from us, the In Group?"

If the same group of folks who had anxiety about us coexisting alongside them created the witch aesthetic as created the Western dragon lore, and indeed much of old-fashioned European fantasy, it's easy to see how their feelings about us an other marginalized groups (disabled people etc.) creep into the stories. HOWEVER, it's also incredibly easy for dragons to not be us. Or have anything to do with us. If you're nervous when writing your own stories that someone is going to mistake your greedy characters for Jewish-coded, try to establish that real (human or otherwise) Jewish characters coexist with the greedy dragon or whatever to show that you're not using the dragon as a subconscious Jewish reference. But if you're talking about just "can I continue to buy dragon merch from creators who draw cute art", the only thing I can tell you is that there's an intense diversity of opinion among the Jewish people and even though I'm saying it's fine and probably most people at my temple would say it's fine, I can't account for strangers on apps I don't even have. Personally, I think you're safe as long as you avoid dragon things that evoke the trope directly. And many MANY dragons don't even evoke the trope these days, because so many millennials and younger grew up adoring dragons so we launched media where dragons are good. And don't even always hoard wealth. Much of modern dragon media seems to ignore the greedy and/or hoarding tropes entirely or have replaced greed as a motivator for the collections with "this dragon has a special interest", which is cute and doesn't evoke antisemitic tropes at all. You'll probably be able to make good judgments about what does the trope and what doesn't, but for some additional help here is a post Meir and I did on @writingwithcolor, which is where we'd prefer these questions be directed (yes, I know we're closed currently but we're reopening soon.) P.S. If this was sent to my personal specifically to avoid the WWC ask box being closed, please don't — that's an amount of volunteer work I simply can't take on. But I also know that it's possible and likely that you didn't know about WWC at all, so now you do — feel free to peruse our vast archives of past posts. @im-tired1124

#jumblr #jewish #dragons #antisemitism #tropes #dog whistles #im-tired1124

[prairiefirewitch]

Tit for Tat: Nontraditional Offerings

I have a personal rule when petitioning a deity or spirit or ancestor to help me accomplish a thing. The bigger the ask, the bigger the offering. Whatever we offer, it’s a sacrifice.

Of course I do the usual things; flowers, favored food, particular alcohols and beverages, tobacco, incense. All of these things may be welcomed, but I believe that when I’m petitioning a deity or spirit to do a bigger task or to guide me on deeper work, my offering shouldn’t be low effort if I expect them to work on my behalf. My assumption is that deities too get bored with sameness, and if I’m trying to get their attention, I need to offer something that will delight them or intrigue them.

That isn’t to say that small offerings aren’t effective, but if I’m petitioning Athena to help me see justice in a court case, for example, I want her to know I’m serious and that I’m willing to dig deep to have her on my side. I’m pulling out all stops to get her to help me, commensurate to my ability to provide offerings. In other words, if all I’m able to do is buy Athena a bunch of grocery store flowers, that’s enough because that’s the best I can do. But if I’m able take that further and grow and nurture a garden of flowers dedicated to her, I’m going to do that, because I want her to see me making an effort. I want her to know that this petition is important to me and I’m willing to work to get her help.

Big effort offerings don’t have to cost a lot of money and they don’t have to be ostentatious. We’re not talking about sacrificing babies and we’re not emptying our bank accounts. The amount of effort is the point here, and our willingness to go beyond the typical is what we’re aiming for. I think long term commitment is important too.

One of my favorite offerings to Hekate is a yearly donation to Coyote Project. 10% of every sale of my Coyote candles goes to them to help educate and impact legislation on coyote killing contests in the United States. Dogs are sacred to her and according to Apollonius of Rhodes, the barking of hounds signaled that she was near. Ovid tells us that black dogs were sacrificed to her, but I don’t offer animal sacrifices, and it feels appropriate to make offerings to her instead to protect this species of canine. I also make food donations to my local animal shelter monthly. A key aspect of these donations for me, is that I commit to ongoing support to the Coyote Project and my local shelter indefinitely rather than just once.

A few years ago someone asked me what an appropriate offering would be to Hera to help with some marital issues. Rather than offer the typical flowers and incense, I suggested they give up something. I suggested they give up cigarettes or alcohol or some other vice. It’s a unconventional offering, but it works two-fold: she’d be giving up something detrimental to her health and maybe to her relationship, and she’d also be treating her own body as an offering. In other words, her body becomes a temple to Hera.

Here are other offerings to consider that go beyond the wine, flowers, incense routine.

Commit to a fitness or health regime.

Volunteer in your community.

Prepare a dumb (silent) supper.

Learn a new skill and practice it in their honor.

Write a poem, play, or music as offering.

Spend time learning about them.

Prepare a ritual wine or mead and use it in your offerings.

Make art depicting them.

Sing songs or recite their hymns.

Make revelry and dance and laugh and howl at the moon.

Grow a garden of plants dedicated to your deity.

Give up something, i.e. soda, liquor, excess spending, red meat, unhealthy relationships.

Clean a local park or stream.

Commit to prayer or meditation everyday.

Dedicate a perfume or scent to them and wear it daily or during ritual.

Practice nature stewardship.

Make a pilgrimage to sacred sites.

Build a dedicated altar outside.

Ritually clean your altar space regularly.

Take a ritual bath and anoint yourself with perfumes and oils.

Donate time or money to charities.

This isn’t an exhaustive list; there are many other ways of honoring and petitioning deity. And offering doesn’t end at the stage where you’re asking for something; it’s just good manners to make an offering of thanks once the petition is granted.

#altar #offerings #hellenism #ritual sacrifice #witchcraft #traditional witchcraft

[thezombieprostitute]

Alphas & Algorithms - Part 7 - Feelings

A/N: Continued from Part 6 . Reader is female and is described as "tall". No other descriptors.

Warnings: It is a Dystopian AU. Food scarcity, hunger, mentions of families being separated. Discussion of non-consensual relationships and unwanted pregnancy. Bullying. Please let me know if I missed any!

--Part 1-- --Part 8--

--Series Masterlist--

If there was one good thing Curtis could say about his work it’s that it gives him plenty of time and space to think. And there was much to think about. They’ve started working with the pups to get them used to the fact that he’s leaving. He knows he’s out of his depth in all of this, but he trusts his brother. His brother who still knew the hand signals from all those years ago. His brother who’s apparently been trying to hook him up with Omegas for years. 

He was so lost in thought he didn’t notice Hobie until he was practically in front of him.

“Oi, Curtis! How you gettin’ on with that pet? Meetin’ some interesting people from what I’ve ‘eard.”

“What do you want, Hobie? I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Yeah, figured you would. Got until the security drone comes by. Ask me somefin’.”

“How much does she know?”

“Dunno,” Hobie shrugs his shoulders. “Jus’ know she knows more than she says.”

Curtis sighs at the unhelpful answer and decides to not waste time arguing. “What’s Stevie’s, Steve’s, role in all of this?”

“Couple o’ Betas on the inside are ‘elpin’ with access. Sometimes even sabotage of the Omegas. Dunno th’ specifics, don’t need to.”

“Access?”

Hobie grins, “that’s a bit much to explain for the time you got.”

Curtis nods in acquiescence, “is her Beta in on everything?”

“Yup. It’s how we know she’s not sayin’ everything she smells.” Hobie looks around, “one last question, bruv.”

“Are you sure this plan will work?”

Hobie looked Curtis in the eyes, “enough that I put my life on the line for it.”

“It isn’t just your life at risk, though.”

Hobie smiles, “th’ way we’ve got everythin’ set up, me an’ maybe two others take the fall. No one else. Definitely no one in your Pack.” 

With that, Hobie runs off, giving Curtis a few seconds to get back to work before the security drone shows up. 

“Jake,” Y/N yells from the kitchen. “How did the date with Hope go?”

“It went alright,” he shrugged. Y/N could smell disappointment, which for Jake smelled like rain on a summer day when you’re supposed to be outside. Then she picked up the other scent, curry and warm, strong beer. A distinctive combination that made her think of overly crowded, chaotic art fairs: everyone freely expressing whatever and however they wanted. It was a scent that made her uncomfortable just thinking about the overstimulation. 

“Do you want some cookies or something to cheer you up?”

Jake chuckled, “can’t hide anything from you, huh?” Y/N smiled gently and shook her head. “Okay, the date didn’t go well. Turns out there were some serious differences of opinion but I’m hopeful they’re not deal-breakers, you know?”

Y/N hugs him, “I know.” The hug makes the scent of curry and warm beer stronger. It’s the same scent she’s smelled on people proven to be plotting against the AI. She worries for Jake, knows he’s lying about some things, but she trusts him. He’d never lie without reason and she’d be the last to speak up about the connecting scent. As her mother said, “just because you smell something doesn’t mean you have to say something.” 

“How did your date go? Did he say “yes” yet? Do I get my death-by-chocolate cake?”

“Not yet,” she shook her head as she smiled. “Today’s date got a bit off track when I saw Mr. Castle in the gym.”

Jake’s face fell, “oh damn. I didn’t realize.”

“It’s okay. Steve came by and picked up her tea so I didn’t have to take Curtis on that delivery. Pretty sure his opinions on Omegas wasn’t helped by our encounter with Colin and Suzanne at the community center.” Jake gave an appreciative grimace while Y/N continued, “then again, I definitely felt Curtis’s drive to protect me through the temporary bond. It was really sweet.”

“Ooo! Intriguing! I’m definitely going to get my cake and eat it too!”

Y/N smiles, “he’s also asked to meet you.” 

Jake stops and looks at her, “are you okay with that? You know both of us best. If you think it’ll be okay, I’m good to meet him.”

“He said that, since you’re the closest thing I have to a Pack, it would feel weird to not meet you. And, between the two of you, I really don’t think there’s any reason for animosity. He doesn’t seem the jealous type and you’re the supportive, not confrontational type, so I think it’ll be okay.”

“I promise to do whatever it takes to make everything super awkward!”

“You’re lucky I know you’re joking,” Y/N rolls her eyes. “I’m genuinely hoping, if you two do get along, and he does eventually agree to be my Alpha, that you’ll give him some…help? Guidance? With my in-heat care. Especially with the foods and scents.”

“Oh it’s definitely getting serious,” Jake smiles. “If you want me to share my secret family recipes, it’s gotta be a sealed deal.”

Y/N’s face heats up and she looks down, still smiling. Jake’s eyes go wide, “you really like him, don’t you?”

She nods, “he’s living up to the promise in his scent. He’s warm, smart, makes me feel safe and comfortable. I…I don’t think I’ve ever felt this kind of "want" for intimacy.”

Jake takes her hands, “I’m so happy for you! Can’t wait for you two to make it official.”

When Curtis gets home, the pups immediately rush him. Timmy and Andy grab his hands and lead him to the table while Yona gives him a serious face and says, “we need to talk.” They all sit at the table to eat but the pups are asking him questions between bites.

“Is it true that we’re moving?”

“Still ironing out the details,” Curtis says. “But I think Andrew, Tonya and I are agreed that everyone’s moving.” The adults nod.

“Why are we moving?”

Curtis sighs and thinks before answering, “because that’s how things go. Life requires us to make changes from time to time and that time for us is now.” Timmy and Yona seem okay with the answer but Andy looks to Andrew for confirmation first.

“Are you going to move with us?”

“Maybe for a little bit,” Curtis hesitates. “But, ultimately, I’ll be moving in with that Omega who’s been courting me.”

“Is it because we ate her cookies? Do we owe her for that?”

“No, not at all,” Curtis quickly asserts. “Not one bit of this is because of you. And those cookies were freely given.”

“Do you love her?”

Curtis pauses at that question. He’s been so busy thinking about his brother, his Pack, the pups, he hasn’t really thought about his actual feelings about her. The temporary bond is almost completely gone but it could still be coloring his feelings so he chooses his words carefully.

“I don’t know that it’s love, but I do know that I trust her. I feel comfortable around her. She’s honest, strong, caring, comforting, smart. She’s definitely changed my perspective on Omegas.” He stops when he hears the pups giggling and gives them a confused look.

“You were smiling,” Timmy giggled. “You do like her! You don’t smile for anyone you don’t like!” 

“Thats…Okay, you’re right. I’m not much of a smiler.”

“Curtis is in love!” the kids chant for a bit while Tanya and Andrew are trying not to laugh. The teasing continues well into the night, well after they should all be asleep, but Curtis doesn’t push it. He wants to enjoy these moments while he can.

--Part 8--

Tagging @every-username-is-taken-damnit, per request.

#alpha!curtis everett #alpha!curtis everett x omega!reader #curtis everett x reader #curtis everett x tall!reader #tall reader #tall!reader #dystopia au #dystopian au

[lisahafey]

15 QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

Tagged by @gentlebeardsbarngrill

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Yes! An ancestor my mother was obsessed with, I think the original Irish immigrant in our family to move to Australia. Her name was Eliza, but that didn’t work with our surname so instead I was given one of the most popular names from the year I was born. I prefer to think I was named after my grandmother whose name was Elizabeth.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

A couple of days ago when my legs were hurting (I have RA).

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Yes! 4! All apparently adult (but I’m in denial)

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

I used to be both a state level (field) hockey player and cross country runner in high school. I can swim really well too. I started running again a few years back but my knees started collapsing under me because of RA so that really put a stop to that.

DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Like, duh. I’m Australian. I’m using it right now.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their eyes.

WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

Blue/grey/green depending on my mood.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

I want a movie with a satisfying conclusion. So it doesn’t matter if it’s scary or happy or whatever, so long as it ties up nicely. Like, Saoirse Ronan’s film, ‘Brooklyn’, was really nice right up to the end, and then it left a whole lot of open stuff, and I was like, what was that all about? You know what I REALLY like? Bond films. They end satisfyingly.

ANY TALENTS?

I sing! Oh I also make Electronic Dance Music (I will eventually get around to adding my vocals to them but songwriting isn’t one of my talents apparently)., and you can check it out here - https://open.spotify.com/artist/1WhBvqgiMqgjlAnxoLKVHT?si=CQ24uvluST-ZiTE3ZyUWKA I like to do visual arts too, which is what I studied at uni. Oh I crochet VERY WELL too. Knitting also but not as much as crochet. I write too, which is what I also do for a living.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Australia.

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Social media haha! All of the above in talents, plus I run a music and entertainment magazine which is kinda hobby like except I have to pay taxes.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

No.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5’ 5.5” (this is very satisfying)

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

Art, English, History

DREAM JOB?

I’m doing it! Music journalist. I didn’t train to be one (see art school above), but I used to write the entertainment column for my uni newspaper, and then about 12 years ago I used this background to blag my way into writing for PopWrapped and CelebMix, the latter of which I used to co-edit when it first started, until I started Essentially Pop in 2014. So basically I’m here to say you can pretty much do anything if you want it badly enough.

No pressure tagging!

@edsbacktattoo @chaoticturtleturtle @knotwerk @skrifores @poison-into-positivity @wearfinethingsalltoowell @snake-snack-stede @sonnetforbonnet @ofmdsource @ofmdaily @blakbonnet @merryfinches @snejpowa @daria-meoi @bizarrelittlemew

(Sorry I think some of you have been tagged already!)

#Spotify

[galactic-pirates]

Something I don’t see talked about (and yes I know that’s a loaded opening sentence but I have feelings so I’m going to ramble) is how it feels to come to art late.

Like people throw out examples like George Clooney being 40 or something? Or Samuel L Jackson, or you know there are many, of people who came into something older and then were fantastic at it. It’s like a “it’s never too late” reassurance and ok cool, cool, but that doesn’t really help.

I didn’t draw as a kid. I hated art class at school because they didn’t teach. I wouldn’t know how to get the effect I wanted and given no guidance (but plenty of “that’s not what I wanted” criticism). If I found a workaround it was wrong. Like I spent a ridiculous amount of time drawing a model train once by measuring every single line. Best drawing I did as a kid but my teacher told me I was never to do that again as I should spend no more than an hour on the homework.

Part of this was probably being undiagnosed autistic. I need structure and rules and I need to understand. I can’t just experiment how I probably should. So I internalised the “I am not artistic, I have no artistic flair” and I didn’t doodle or decorate. I would be envious of the other kids who did. My notes always looked so boring. We didn’t do art at home. Mum always tells the story of how she was excluded from art class at school for “being a waste of public resources” and so is adamant she can’t draw.

For some reason at 19 I decided I wanted to draw. But again with an undiagnosed autistic need for things to be “right” and obviously any lines I made were ‘wrong’, plus the computer was where I sought answers I fell very quickly into tracing photographs. That was a huge mistake because it taught me nothing and only made it worse if I tried to draw without the crutch - as obviously that was much much worse in comparison.

You see I didn’t have the willingness to draw something awful that little kids have (because to them it isn’t awful) and I judged myself so so harshly. I wanted to draw what I imagined and I found workarounds, like modelling programs to make my own pose references, or smushing multiple references together - I still do this and I absolutely hate it. It doesn’t help but it’s like that bandaid trying to hold a water leak back - it’s better than what I can do without it, so I keep going back for fan events etc. as I feel if I’m gifting someone something it needs to be the best I can do (and merlin knows I am deeply ashamed of what I have posted for past exchanges, 30+ hours or not of effort it was baaaad).

A few years ago I decided enough was enough and I needed to “go back to basics” and get away from the computer. I have got a ridiculous number of courses from places like Udemy/Domestika and enough art supplies to open a small store. I talk a good game - I can sound like I know - but my hand does not.

The problem with the YouTube videos or the courses is these people are skilled - obviously, I mean that’s the point - but sometimes they will show their “old art” from when they were 13 or something and it’s better than what I can do now, or maybe at 9 or something it was about the same but that’s 9 - I’m going to be 34 this year.

I’m still that kid that wants to be told what steps to take. I am still flailing and I still don’t know how best to move forward. Worse I am not a kid and so I feel ashamed I guess. And I’m also alone because there is no actual person I can talk to. I have looked into in person art classes but there’s nothing suitable. I need to find a path forward.

But to circle back to “coming into art late”. I’m 33 and surrounded by so much inspiration (I see art and I so desperately want to be able to make something half that good). But that’s a curated thing because people only post their good stuff (obviously) and so I don’t want to post my shitty stuff so I can’t engage with “art tumblr” or whatever, and I’ve never been good at engaging anyway. I have always felt like an outsider in every community I have tried to join. Plus with fucking AI I don’t want to post my stuff online (although it’s so bad if it did get scraped it would probably act like poison).

So yeah basically flailing and lonely.

It’s deeply demoralising and frustrating. I have never put in the practice time that I should have but that is more to do with my chronic mental health issues than anything - but that then compounds the age problem as I am not 19 any longer. It has been getting on for 15 years - actually I hate putting it like that because then I have to see that I have been wanting to draw for nearly half my life and I have still not managed it. I am still flailing around near the starting line.

Anyway yeah I just feel like nobody talks about being older, and still being shitty at things, and how damn lonely and scary that is. I get majorly stressed out everytime I try and do “serious learning” as I guess it’ll take time and I will be shitty for a lot longer. Maybe there’s also a point here about adulthood and immediate gratification I don’t know. I just know I wish for the impossible to be able to be the child I never was I guess, to start art when people are supposed to - as a kid - and get this stage done and so I can be better. Is that just me wanting to skip the work? Maybe I don’t know.

It’s as I said - I have feelings.

#Sam talks art

[rphelperblog]

Princess Diaries Quote Rp Meme

inspired by @dreammakcr​ - feel free to edit or change pronouns for rp purposes

you look so… young.”

“Just in case I wasn’t enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara!”

“Because you saw me when I was invisible.”

“As always, this is as good as it’s going to get.”

Wait, wait. No, not you — I don’t even know you!”

This is getting us nowhere! Talk to me!’

“Thank you. And you look so… clean.”

“No matter how many times you press that, it will still go up and down the same way.”

“The student body may be morally bankrupt, but that doesn’t mean they’re blind!” 

“Please don’t crush my soy nuts.”

“Somebody sat on me again.”

If there are no more passengers, I think we should close the door.”

“I have never worn pantyhose, but it sounds very dangerous.” 

“I can’t talk to you right now. I’m late for a meeting with my guidance counselor.”

“Oh no, sweetie, I was in a very important meeting. Send it out for dry cleaning.”

“Sir, you will find that the word fear is not in my vocabulary!”

“Almost, but anyone can see your desires. No one knows what’s in your heart.”

“I’m a girl who loves black and is wearing pink.”

“I would kneel if it weren’t for my knee replacement.”

“A queen is never late. Everyone else is simply early.” 

“A queen is never late. Everyone else is simply early.”

“Just because I didn’t get my fairytale doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

“If you hurt my girl, you will answer directly to me, and whatever crimes I commit against you, remember, I have diplomatic immunity in 46 countries, including Puerto Rico.” 

“That Backstreet Boy clone you’ve had a crush on for years?”

“Is your mom dating an undertaker?” 

“Nepotism belongs in the arts, not in plumbing.”

“I can’t be a princess! I’m still waiting for normal body parts to arrive!” 

“I’m late for a meeting with Spain and Portugal!”

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, with hair so fine. Come out your window, climb down the vine.”

“The feat you ask, dear sir, isn’t easy. And I won’t respond to that line, it’s far too cheesy.”

“Oh, how brave. Most interns don’t even want to fetch my tea.”

“Your Majesty, I would gladly take a bullet for you.”

“We never rush; we hasten.” 

“OK, I look like an asparagus.”

“But a very, very cute asparagus!”

“It’s not appropriate for royalty to jingle.”

“Tell me: How does my mother, or any person for that matter, go into a parent/teacher conference and come out with a date?”

“I look like a moose.”

can you just pretend you have a life for just one moment?” 

“I’m late for a meeting with Spain and Portugal!”

“I don’t want to rule my own country, I just want to pass the tenth grade.”

“Ah, yes, but a very cute moose! Make all the boy moose go ‘WAAAAH!’”

can you drop us off a block from the school? I don’t want to cause a riot with this hearse.”

“This is a non-riot hearse. If it were a hearse, there would be silence in the backseat.”

“You know, most kids shop for a car for their sixteenth birthday, not a country!”

could you try to talk without moving your lips? The press have binoculars.

911, I'd like to report an accident... They put me on hold!”

Is this punishment for driving without a licensed driver in the front seat?”

I am invisible, and I am wet.”

“A princess never chases a chicken.”

“I beg your pardon, ‘Shut up’?”

“Now, what did you want to tell me?”

“Oh, your majesty, in America, it doesn’t always mean to be quiet. Here it could mean ‘wow,’ ‘gee-whiz,’ ‘golly wolly.’”

“I already have braces.”

“I haven’t danced with you since your birthday.”

“No, it’s bigger than orthodontia.”

“Think about it: I just found out that my cable only reaches 12 people.”

did you see what she did to me?!”

“Something that, I think, will have a very big impact upon your life.”

it’s not a championship game. It’s not even a big game. It’s just gym class. Just hit the ball. I don’t want to flunk you in gym class. C’mon, you can do it. Keep your eye on the ball.” 

“The secret is, I still want to.”

“That’s a fact, not a secret.”

“A few moments ago, I realized the only reason I was getting married was because of a law, and that didn’t seem like a good enough reason. So, I won’t be getting married today. My grandmother has ruled without a man at her side for quite some time, and… I think she rocks at it.” 

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you’ll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey.” 

“To be a princess, you have to believe that you are a princess. You’ve got to walk the way you think a princess would walk. So, you gotta think tall, you gotta smile and wave, and just have fun.

What I really can't understand is that you ditched me again yesterday when I really needed your help at the greenpeace petition.”

“From now on you’ll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey.”

“I don’t feel protected. You try living for 15 years thinking that you’re one person, and then in five minutes, you find out you’re a princess.”

“I love your eyebrows. We’ll call them Frieda and Kahlo. If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx, their child would have your eyebrows!”

“I’m taking your charm off of my charm bracelet and it’s going in the dirt!”

“Oh, come on, girls! It’s a ball, not a snake. Back in formation!

#open rp #open to all #open to anyone #ask meme #open meme #open to anybody #rp meme #ask prompt #roleplay meme #memes #open starter #anne hathaway #princess diaries #princess diaries 2 #meg cabot #Julie Andrés #princess mia

[ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm]

Letters in Transition, 8 May 2022

A collaborative correspondence between @academicdisasterfic and I, inspired by our encounters with fic as queer, trans boys. Letters, words and art exchanged at the start of an unrestrained life.Previous entries can be found here. The fics mentioned in this letter are Edward Nashton Gets the Netflix Original High-school Romance He Deserves by scribbleshrimp, and Away Childish Things by lettered.

Dear Rooney,

I think a lot has changed in the world and with ourselves between our last two letters.

You’ve now moved! This blooming temperate ground that’s all I’ve ever known welcomes you and rejoices in your every new step.

I just came out to my parents. It happened a few hours ago. Out of the very limited number of people in my life, they were the last to know. I think this detail in particular caused my mother a lot of pain - why leave them out of this big thing in my life? Why exclude from this journey that which she sees as my true home: herself.

I knew it was going to happen today, and so I’ve been a swarm of bees about it all morning, or possibly my whole life. You know how it goes - in the face of a discerning mother, all arguments fall apart. And so I think I’ve made this effort to bulletproof the…explanation of my identity, in the fear that some well-meaning but nevertheless painful hand will begin to poke holes in it. In this home you talk about. In my home, in my body that extends beyond me because of my minds image, because of an excess of hope, because of the pocket dimension that our identity stretches into.

You call acts of horror on our community and on our extended being attacks on your home. This is exactly what it feels like. It’s also, I’ve realized, what the accompanying fear is like. When I was a child, my home got broken into, and a few months later, a small 9 year old joy stopped a second burglary from happening. It left me with a strange, lingering tension that follows me around, and I never noticed that it’s that same tension I associate with the urge to keep my transness, and by extension all transness, safe.

As I was saying, I knew it was going to happen, so I tried to promise myself that no matter what happens, I would somehow be okay. And you know what the only thing I could come up with was? I got a notification that a WIP I’m reading just updated, and I said to myself: whatever happens, you are still going to go home, and sit on the couch, and read that new chapter. God I know that our own strength and confidence should be enough, but I am always overjoyed by how many trans people reinforce their homes with other things. I am so glad I reinforce mine with stories.

The fic I was so eager to come home to is not in the HP fandom, it’s a Batman fic. It’s very lighthearted, but the author has a very special and illuminating way of describing various forms of discomfort, discontent with the self. One of the lines that’s stuck with me since I first read it a few days ago was “I’m not a good ghost: I don't inhabit myself entirely.” What a line! What an idea! And isn’t that just what this all is? The evaluations, the repackaging of yourself to fit into digestible and understandable definitions. As though you are a spirit being instructed to haunt only some corners of the house. Like you, I have always, even before I had the language to understand myself, hoped for this nebulous feeling of completely inhabiting something - a home, a discipline, a self. To be kept away from that is an act of forceful displacement.

Everything went well. It went better than expected. It went better than I could have hoped, because I didn’t dare to hope when I was smaller, and my hope was timid when I grew.

My mother’s only concern is for my safety, as our actual home is unsafe for people like us. It’s not fair, to have an asterisk on your joy and freedom that requires you to be quiet, to be - in the words of lettered’s draco - discreet. That part of her response was the only one that broke my heart.

But with each new act of coming out, with each new effort to be true to myself and to my dreams, the spell that keeps my spirit bound to only half my home unwinds.

Rooney, I want us to be good ghosts. I want to inhabit myself entirely.

You walk through an unfamiliar landscape, I return home to my couch.

Inside, our homes feel more real than before.

love

joy

#joy and rooney contra mundum

[cozymochi]

im so sorry people are being assholes in the comments of ur iz animatics :((( they bring such joy and are so well done!! forever grateful that you share you art <3 even if you decide to take them down i just wanted to let you know that you are appreciated <3<3<3 hoping your day goes well and you find small unexpected delights

I don’t plan on taking them down. That carnal part of me gets a lil’ joy when I still see nice comments anyway. It’s only been a year, but I still get comments! So that’s crazy.

BUT!!

Another fear I do have is the response if I do post again, and it’s completely different than what those 2.4k subs are expecting to see. I’ve already warned about it literally a year in advance, and then again very recently in multiple places. Idk why I SHOULD be uneased by it, but it’s not like IZ fans are quiet when it comes to their distaste when something changes. *cough.* It’s part of why I’ve distanced myself from that fandom (there’s a myriad of reasons but still).

Insanity incoming:

I don’t have immediate plans to make more animatics, they’re kind of long term thing to consider. Back when I used to make them I had NOTHING but free time and my biggest concern was feeding myself cuz my home environment was horrid and I had zero means of leaving since I lived in bum fuck nowhere! Since my last yt upload I moved out, was in a car wreck (not even 2 days in), my own car went through thousands of dollars in repairs, i got a job, went through a period where I worked nearly 100hrs for several months consecutively with hardly any breaks, and to think! It wasn’t and it’s still not sustainable. Things changed. And I do not want to go “home.” After being forced to visit family again a month ago I especially don’t want to go back.

The channel was literally a dumping ground. I got those 2k subs when I wasn’t posting for a year. So! You can imagine I might not be prioritizing a channel I only used as a dumping ground or in a state to make fully or even barely boarded videos and shitposts weekly or monthly. Idk what these people want from me schedule wise. I make $0 from it, and monetizing for a few cents isn’t worth it. I didn’t even get paid when I made thumbnails and assets for bigger channels lmfao. Yeah, I did do that. Wouldn’t know tho. Paid in “exposure” hurr hurr or “omg i need that money myself XDD cmon” whatever backwards excuse.

So what’s next in line but a bunch of strangers with fickle attention being passive aggressive and demanding I make more stuff when I say multiple times that I don’t intend to, and if I do (big if) it WON’T be what they came here for. They aren’t paying me. It’s not like I have a gajillion other things to be concerned about.

…Okay, that was a tangent.

Those few condescending comments make me just wanna outright cancel what iz stuff was left on the backburner. It was more like an indefinite hiatus until I can stomach finishing them. The files take up space anyway for the projects I’m actually interested in. Even if all of them are purely hypotheticals until I can get my focus together (which isn’t likely to happen anytime soon).

sorry about the TMI rant for a second but!! MAN!! It’s frustrating! If anything I could very well take them down. But, I won’t. Besides, for all I know some tiktok took some and it’s getting an exponentially higher amount of views anyway. I should at least keep mine…

It’s not like i don’t WANT to use it for actual new things, but the sheer pressure keeps me away. I get enough pressure to make animatics offline as it is. And if someone out there is gonna be all like “well who cares what those kids think” believe me, I get it and I promise don’t care. But at the same time it’s egghhhhhh. I delete the comments anyway.… however that doesn’t mean they still won’t bug me.

Considering all of the above it’s a miracle I don’t just take them down.

#cozy ask #Any of the condescending comments I just delete anyway. #i dont have the chops to be a ‘content creator’ or whatever robotic term people use nowadays #im not a content creator! #i just make shit then pin it on the fridge #i promise the annoying remarks are few and far between. its mostly just quoting the video or nice stuff #I dont even read them often. i just check if im bored or on accident

[youremyonlyhope]

I’ve debated this for almost 2 years now, but should I change my url?

I haven’t changed my url at all in the nearly 10 years I’ve been on tumblr, but I don’t really post Harry Potter anymore, and if I do reblog something it’s likely to marvel at Cuarón’s gorgeous direction of Azkaban or it’s about AVPM.

And I know that on tumblr Harry Potter has become like a dogwhistle for being a TERF, which sucks. But what’s strange is that outside of tumblr, people either don’t know about JKR’s bigotry or they don’t care enough to do anything about it. This past Halloween I worked an event where there were a ton of kids dressed in Hogwarts uniforms. I literally was just talking recently to someone who’s bi and is super excited to see the new Fantastic Beasts movie. Either the rest of the world is “separating the art from the artist” to still talk about Harry Potter (like the case for that person), or actively agrees with JKR, OR just has no clue at all that she’s a TERF because the outrage is pretty contained to social media. Right now, it’s really just on tumblr and twitter that it’s a dogwhistle, but of course that means that the people who are purposefully using it as a dogwhistle are truly among the most horrible of TERFS. This isn’t me saying it’s futile to stop reading and watching HP and giving her money, I’m just saying that at the moment my url is only issue on tumblr. But of course it’s a url for tumblr, so that makes it an issue for me to possibly be associated with TERFS. Basically, I’ve been conflicted.

I don’t want people to assume I’m in that group. And I already got a hate message a few months ago from someone who assumed I was because of my url (and I guess my theme and profile picture too). I’m sure the people who follow me know I’m not like that, but at the same time I sometimes feel hypocritical reblogging posts complaining about whatever new bigotry JKR is going on about while my url still has Hufflepuff in it.

I think if I was to change it, it’d most likely be to “youremyonlyhope” or “anew-hope.” That way, it still has Hope in it so people can tell it’s me and it’s a Star Wars reference. I already saved both urls just in case. If anyone has any other url suggestions, I’m open to it.

So, should I change my url to something else, or should I just leave it as hopehufflepuff? I want actual opinions from my mutuals and followers to see what you think.

My 10th anniversary on Tumblr is July 4th, so that’s probably when I’d finally change my URL.

#this has sat in my draft for like a month and i have a couple other potential urls saved #but just today i saw that youremyonlyhope is available so i scooped it up andn ow i'm posting it since i like that url the best #and while making this post i realized that 'anew-hope' is available too so i've saved that as an option #i'll probably reblog this post a few times over the next week or so #if i do change my url i'd probably keep my profile picture the same for at least a little while #just so it's still recognizable as me. since personally i'm always confused when people if follow change the url and pic at the same time #then if i do change my picture i'll use the same dollmaker but just not do a hufflepuff uniform in it. so the silhouette's the same #my theme will probably always stay the same since it's default is black and another color and yellow is my fave color #so my theme being hufflepuff colors was more just a happy coincidence since it was always going to be yellow in some way

[illvminous]

waaah opening is here!! hi friends, this is blossom ( s / h, 21+ ) and i bring you wang lixin aka sunshine in human form ☀️ i don’t have his full biography up yet but here is a little page about him, his stats and what not. below the cut will be some facts about him to give you a better idea of who he is / his story!! as usual, drop a like if you’re down to plot - i’m available through discord and tumblr ims if need be. can’t wait to write with everyone ~

- wang lixin, 25, born to two artistic parents in harbin, heilongjiang, china 

- his parents pretty much let him have free reign on his life and do whatever he wanted, not governing him like typical parents would 

- this explains why he’s a bit...aloof and never went to university 🥴

- but !!! this does not, by any means, make him dumb or anything…he’s actually pretty smart and he definitely inherited the artistic gene from both his parents

- travelled a lot when he was younger with his parents during the summers, they wanted inspo for their art and what better way than to see the world?

- due to his travels, he’s able to speak a few different languages - predominantly the following (in order of fluency): fluent mandarin, fluent english, conversational korean, conversational japanese, very broken cantonese

- while he travelled with his parents during his young adult years and slowly transitioned to doing solo travels, he had always come back home to harbin but at around 22 he decided being in one place really isn’t for him

- so he packed his bags and decided to wander the earth, no real plan in mind but just going anywhere he feels like

- stumbled upon stardew valley and the quaint pelican town by accident tbh but he's been here ever since his arrival a year ago

- he’s built up a pretty good reputation around the town, always helpful and reliable for anything anyone needs (especially if you need something at the carpenters shop?? he gotchu boo xox)

- when he’s not working on his craft, he’s teaching art lessons at the community centre, free of charge

- now, at 26, he thinks pelican town might be the place where he settles for the time being, just doing woodworking and art, having the time of his life

potential plot bunnies 👐🏻

- typical plot where you're one of the first people he met when he arrived! whether they got off on the right or wrong foot is entirely up in the air

- someone who visits the carpenter's shop frequently, either as a customer or you just really enjoy being around the environment for whatever reason, he doesn't ask, but you two strike up good conversation each time

- he's travelled a lot so perhaps you and him have crossed paths at one point in your lives before both of you ended up here!

- he's teaching one of his paint classes and you're honestly the worst student he's had, nothing you paint looks right but he doesn't have the heart to tell you :///

- the library is supposed to be a quiet place for people but then you come along and he's normally very nice but how can he read his novels when you're making such a ruckus

- honestly, he's too nice and you find that super sus (fair enough u_u) and it's now your mission to find his flaws and show people that he's not who they think he is (spoiler tw: he is tho)

- the typical ex plot, be it from pelican town or maybe from when he was travelling!

...and that's all my pea brain can come up with so feel free to grab one of the above or we can definitely brain storm other things!! i'm much better at that tbh hehe

#stardewtm:intro #( queued for opening bc i’m busy all day 😭

[eoieopda]

Hihi, Jade! Hope you’ve been well and are doing good hehe

I started learning the pre-chorus + chorus to Like Crazy and when I tell you it’s groovy as shit. Like damn. Though, if this doesn’t improve my hip-control, I genuinely have no idea what will 🤡

On another note, I’m meeting up with one of my friends on Monday! We’re going out for coffee and window shopping and I’m pretty excited because I haven’t seen her since the beginning of February of this year, and I’m excited to talk to her face to face (hah see what I did there ;))

I also did a little brainstorming for a story I’ve wanted to write since August of 2020, and I’m hoping it’s gonna help with my immense writers block concerning the idea itself lmfao

I was also wondering, but do you bake? I know it’s a pretty random question but a lot of my friends bake, and I’ve only ever baked once with one of said friends. We made chocolate muffins and, despite them being relatively messy, they actually tasted pretty good! I’m a bit sad we didn’t have chocolate chips though, I would’ve loved to take the famous(?) “you measure that shit with your heart” post as inspiration to make a mostly choc-chip choco muffin hehe.

Do you draw at all, either? I don’t draw much, and when I do I almost always draw exclusively doodles, but I’ve had a couple which came out pretty well. I drew this really tiny dragon a while ago (probably a few years back) which I thought came out pretty well hehet.

By the way, on a less random and softer note, I’ve been meaning to tell you but kept getting shy and insecure about how to say it, but I really appreciate you, you know? I know we don’t know each other super personally and everything, but our exchanges have been a consistent highlight to my everyday life since I’ve become your mutual.

Like, I can’t even begin to say how big of an impact you’ve had on me as a person just with a couple of our (admittedly short) interactions. Your posts brighten up my day, and I really love how full of love you are, and how you’re so unapologetically yourself. It’s really pushed me to become more comfortable in my own skin, which I couldn’t thank you enough for.

I know that probably went from zero (0) to one-hundred (100) real quick, lol, but I thought it was about time, you know? Sorry for putting something like this in an ask, I probably should’ve sent it in a PM but I thought, “I’m here, I might as well do it while I have the courage” 🥹

Anyway, sorry for all the blabbering xd.

I hope you have a wonderful day (or night, I’m not 100% what time of day you’re at rn)!

I hope this isn’t coming off as creepy as it’s starting to sound in my head 🥹 I admire you a lot is all; sorry if this makes you uncomfortable if it does lemme know pls. Okay bye ily 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

this is quite possibly the sweetest thing i anyone has told me in a very very very long time, and i am — OOF — misty in the damn eyeballs. like, i don’t even know how to thank you for that 😭🫠 i’m a whole mess omg. YOU ARE SO SPECIAL, LIL BABY HAN 😭💓💕💗🫶🏻

now i’m gonna stop wheezing and answer your actual questions and pretend i did not just fully tear up, lmao.

i do bake, but not as often as i used to? i kind of only do it when i’m home with my mom which is rare but will resume soon when i move back to my home state to be close again!! def prefer baking to cooking because there is some ridiculous disconnect in which i can do one fairly well but will burn the shit out of whatever meal i’m attempting and/or burn myself. i do not know why i am like this!!

i draw, but also not as often as i used to 🤪 like, i drew/designed all of my tattoos and used to be really into art, but my brain only lets me have 1-2 hobbies at a time, and this one fell by the wayside 🥲 rip art-phase jade.

and good luck with your wip!!! seriously, tag me in anything you post because i love FFF so much that i would surely love whatever else you write 💕🥹

#world’s best tbh #emotional support han to the rescue as always #hannah! #moots #jade speaks

[manthrochap-blog]

well well well. look who finally figured out what email he used for his old blog....

so, hi. the last post on this blog was from december 2016, so... i’d expect most of my followers are inactive and the few people i follow who are still active probably unfollowed ages ago, unless they never cleared out their accounts... but i thought i’d make a little post here as a sort of update and finally offer a means of contact

so. i���m freshly 23 years old now (jesus CHRIST). i’m not using this blog anymore, so i won’t be updating my bio/about/whatever to reflect that, but i’ll note i exclusively use he/him now. while homestuck is still constantly in my periphery (more literal than that sentence should be, there’s a dave strider vinyl figure in a bin almost within eyesight of my desk chair...) i haven’t really engaged with it in... years... other than a recent look at its unfinished japanese translation, seeing as i started learning the language a few years ago and got curious. i still stan aradia hardcore, btw, nothing in life will Ever change that

as you can probably (hopefully) predict from the fact that i was 17 when i last used this blog (and 13-16 when i used it actively) and i am now 23, this blog, uh... would not be a great reference point for determining what kind of person i am now. i won’t write it off as completely detached from my present identity, and i’m not saying this because there’s some sort of “dirt” you could dig up from looking through my posts (there... really isn’t, just a whole lot of cringe), i’d just like to make it clear that judging the present me by whatever the hell was wrong with me when i was a teenager would leave you with a lot of inaccuracies about me. being a teenager sucks and you’ve got way more things wrong with you mentally than any other stage of your life and i’m happy to report many of those things wrong with me have resolved themselves with time, but also, the cringe. the cringe. my god the cringe, please for the love of god know that while i am still cringe i am not as bad as i once was

anyways, what i am trying to communicate is that while the person who ran this blog and myself may technically inhabit the same body, we’re not quite the same person; and yet, this is still my body, my face, my words, my thoughts, all contained here, even if i no longer understand those thoughts and feelings and words, no longer feel like the face depicted is my face. going through and making every single one of my old posts unrebloggable would be not only tedious but a ridiculous, gargantuan task, considering my post count is just short of 50,000 and no matter how many of those are reblogs that i wouldn’t need to alter, it took long enough just deleting a bunch of old selfies that i truly don’t think it would be worth it

thus, my request is this: my art is all fair game, but any (old) personal posts or selfies i'd like left alone. no likes, no reblogs, just let them be, please. while i've left a good portion of the latter up for posterity, i'd prefer you not even look for them. likewise, i've gone through and deleted all instances of my deadname; do not try to seek it out. or i may smite you in real life

other than all of that, i'm willfully leaving this blog up as an archive. please don't abuse that, please respect my requests regarding what i am and am not okay with being interacted with, and please keep a healthy barrier in your mind between who i was as a teenager and my new, adult self, because even i don't know what i was going on about back then

with all of that finally out of the way, if you're looking to contact me for whatever reason, you'll find my new blog in my next (and probably final, ever, for this blog) reblog. that post is a plea for a friend of mine who i miss and have completely lost contact with to come and talk with me again, if they'd like, so i'm hoping that posting this here and giving them a way of contacting me might help if they ever come back and look at this blog, which was the impetus for me hunting down my own log-in info to begin with, though not the sole reason (i really did want to purge this fucking thing of its evils even if only a little i've been meaning to do that for ages)

i don't intend to ever deactivate that blog just as i won't be deactivating this one, but as a failsafe, you can also email nisutitja @ gmail, because i don't really wanna just... put my discord where everyone can see it. that is not my main email, but i do own that address. might be a little late on the response but it should be reliable enough

#veeeery long post huh... and probably repetitive #but i was swapping between writing this and cleaning out my blog so my train of thought. was not completely on the rails the whole time #anyways. time to rb that post real quick

[yegarts]

“I Am YEG Arts” Series: Darrin Hagen

Speak less and listen more. It’s one heck of a resolution, and one Darrin Hagen made decades ago. His reason? You don’t learn much while you’re talking, and Hagen wants to learn. Consequentially, as pandemic fate would have it, he’s had more time than ever to work on that. While some of us were perfecting our sourdough, Hagen spent his hiatus taking comfort in his first love: music. He’s been writing about it, composing it, producing videos, and learning how to share it all digitally with the world. If that isn’t exciting enough, you can also look forward to the two plays he’s bringing to this years’ long-awaited Fringe Festival. Writer, performer, composer, and listener—this week’s “I Am YEG Arts” story belongs to Darrin Hagen.

What keeps you choosing Edmonton as your place to live and work?

I arrived in Edmonton four decades ago and never intended to stay, but good things keep happening to me here. Edmonton has always opened doors to experiences I never could have had anywhere else. It’s also a big anniversary year for me: 40 years living in Edmonton, 35 years since Guys In Disguise made its debut at the Fringe Festival, and 25 years since the publication of The Edmonton Queen.

Tell us about your journey as a storyteller of queer history and where you hope it takes you next.

I never try to predict or anticipate what’s next—and I think that’s the secret to moving forward. I didn’t write The Edmonton Queen 25 years ago to be political or to fulfill an agenda. I just wrote what I had experienced and what I was feeling. We are all the authorities in our own lived experience, and for whatever reason, I’ve lived through some pretty unique circumstances, and that’s given me a distinct outlook on the world around me.

I’m a history nerd and love research, so I’ll just keep digging and expanding my knowledge of what the Queer population of this province has endured. It’s important for the young Queers to understand the struggles of prior generations in order to fully appreciate and protect the privileges we now enjoy. And it’s important for the elder Queers to know that their pain and their efforts were not in vain.

I recently did a Zoom call with the gay seniors group and told stories of the many moments where I was in drag, dealing with the media that not only didn’t understand my gender fluidity, but didn’t even possess the vocabulary to describe it. The session was a blast and made me realize that I have many more stories to tell. I do feel a shift toward creating documentaries, though. Again—that’s not something I ever could have predicted—but it began to happen, and I am very open to it!

What’s your favourite part of the creative process?

I love that moment when you stop trying and just allow the art to happen—the moment where effort becomes effortless. It doesn’t always happen, but it’s so good when it does. After I’ve composed some music, my favourite part of that process is spending a few hours just listening. I also love that moment on stage when you’re in the last seconds of a play, and you can feel that it worked.

What does community mean to you, and where do you find it?

My answer to this has changed many, many times over the years. For a long time, it was in the club scene—the world of Flashback both saved and inspired me. Then it was the world of activism that was my foundation. Then for years it was the theatre scene. But I think through all of that, the people who enjoy my work and honour it by spending time with it are the community that means the most to me. My creative output is a conversation between them and I, and some have been on this journey with me since the days I was spewing Life cereal all over the Flashback stage in the early 80s. They’ve allowed me to grow, and struggle, and sometimes triumph.

The pandemic years have also shown me that my world has gotten very insular as I devote my time to solo creation. I think that’s a natural progression, as I morph into an artist that’s newly intrigued by digital dissemination.

What has surprised you most over the course of your writing career?

I don’t think I was ever really meant to be a writer, so everything I write is still a surprise. I’m surprised by some of the advances around Queer equality—most of the activists I knew couldn’t have predicted how quickly things could progress. I’m also surprised at how quickly language has changed in my lifetime. That kind of change used to take centuries, didn’t it?

It is said that to be an activist is to speak, and to be an advocate is to listen. You’re known for both. How is each reflected in your current work?

I made a New Year’s resolution decades ago to speak less and listen more. Anyone who knows me can tell you what a struggle that can be for someone as verbose as I. But I say it to myself every December 31: One doesn’t learn much while one is talking. I want to learn.

I have also spent decades interviewing people—first for Outlooks Magazine, then for HelpTV, then many, many interviews with Queer elders for the many Queer history projects I have been working on. It’s important to leave room for people to speak. As I get older, I get less and less interested in being the one speaking. When I do, I want it to be measured and thoughtful. That’s why I hate social media.

Metronome at Workshop West, directed by Heather Inglis.

What excites you most about the YEG arts scene right now?

I’m intrigued to see what new art and which new voices will emerge from the darkness of the pandemic. I had a very productive time composing music and learning how to edit video, and am about to start releasing music I made during the hiatus. I’ve already seen and heard some brilliant things. Society experienced something huge. The ripples will never stop.

Tell us about the importance of mentorship throughout your career and what it’s taught you.

Working with other writers makes me a better writer. I had some inspiring and generous minds that gave me early encouragement/advice. I feel a duty to pay that generosity forward.

The Queer community is in a situation now where a lack of mentors has created an impasse, or a gap, between generations. This has resulted in a population unaware of the struggles that came before. We should be building bridges between the present and the past. The more Queer history work I do, the more important that seems.

Describe your perfect day in Edmonton. How do you spend it?

A perfect Edmonton day is spent in my garden with a friend or two.

You visit Edmonton 20 years from now. What do you hope has changed? What do you hope has stayed the same?

In 20 years I will be 78. What I hope to see is a provincial government that has finally stopped fighting Queer equality. I also hope I see seniors’ homes for the Queer elders who changed the world for the rest of us. I hope the river valley is still natural and unspoiled. I hope the Edmonton Arts Council is still helping Edmonton artists contribute to the vibrancy of our city.

Want more YEG Arts Stories? We’ll be sharing them here all year and on social media using the hashtag #IamYegArts. Follow along! 

Visit Darrin Hagen’s Vimeo to discover his digital catalogue of new music and art, and be sure to catch his upcoming Fringe 2022 plays: Crack In the Mirror (Varscona Theatre) and Pansy Cabaret (the Roxy).

About Darrin Hagen

Darrin Hagen is an award-winning playwright, author, composer, and Queer historian whose plays have been produced across Canada, in the US, and Europe. Since The Edmonton Queen (published by Brindle & Glass), he has created art that is a unique window into gender and history. During the pandemic, he turned his attention to creating video art and has done a deep dive into Queer history research, including many hours working with MacEwan’s Edmonton Queer History Project.

He has been Artistic Director of Guys In Disguise since 1987, has received 7 Sterling Awards for his work in Edmonton Theatre, and an AMPIA for his broadcasting work. Other plays include, Tornado Magnet, BitchSlap!, Witch Hunt at the Strand, Buddy, The Empress & The Prime Minister, Metronome, and the upcoming Pansy Cabaret.

Together with his collaborator, Trevor Schmidt, he has created a decade’s worth of hit Fringe comedies, including Flora & Fawna’s Field Trip, Flora & Fawna Have Beaver Fever, Dragula, Psychobabble, Prepare for the Worst, Puck Bunnies, Don’t Frown at the Gown, Klondykes, and the upcoming Fringe hit, Crack In The Mirror.

Hagen has been named one of the 25 Most Influential Alberta Artists in the Past 25 Years, as well as one of 100 Edmontonians of the Century.

#yegarts #edmonton #IamYegArts #ArtistFeature #yegtheatre

[goddessofthedawn]

In case you missed my first extremely brief post, GUILLAUME is out today. Here's the link. Above is the cover. Below the cut is the first chapter.

If you've got .99 (or KU! or want to spend 14$ on a paperback!) please give it a shot. I am so fucking proud of this book.

. chapter one .

Whenever I am called on to share a fun fact about myself, whether it be for meeting new people or first-day-of-school activities, I always use the island. What I don’t mention is that I was close with Guillaume.

            The short story is this: six years ago, when we were all twelve or thirteen years old, our plane crashed on a deserted island. Forty-two of us survived the crash. Fifteen of us came home. The reason the rest of them didn’t isn’t because of poisonous snakes, or spiders, or good old starvation. The reason was Guillaume.

            My friendship with Guillaume is something I don’t mention when bringing up the island because Guillaume is the reason the Bolin Disaster became the Bolin Tragedy, and I was the one propping him up the whole way.

            That isn’t something you tell people.

            Lucky for me, I got away with it. Everyone was either so exhausted or tragic or confused that they forgot that where Guillaume had been, I was there, too. I even testified against him at the trial. Lucky for Guillaume, his father had enough money to hire a lawyer good enough to get him placed under psychiatric care until he turned eighteen. So six years after the island, he would be free. I have spent my six years as happily as I could have. I’m thinner than I was. I feel like it was one way or another with us island survivors: upon returning to the States, we either gorged ourselves on the sheer mass of food that was available to use, or we couldn’t stomach it. I was the latter.

            But other than that, I was fine. I finished middle school and I finished high school and I got accepted into every college I applied to. I think all of us did. There were only a select few boys who could capitalize on our tragedy, and capitalize we did. Most of us got talk shows, even. None of them were very big ones, except the ones that Kevin and Adam went on—but talk shows are talk shows. I’m sure some of us will come out with books as we get older, too.

            The college I decided on was one I’d wanted to go to since I’d been young. It was my mother’s alma mater, a private liberal arts college in New England, and I was going to study political science. A few months before the school year started, I opened an e-mail from the school that was supposed to tell me who my roommate was going to be, and I do not lie when I say that my heart nearly stopped when I saw the name:

GUILLAUME ARGOT

×

It was stupid of me to assume that, just because he was crazy, his dad couldn’t buy him into college. Whatever amount of money you’re thinking the Argots have, they have more. Guillaume’s imprisonment after the island had been very much a gilded cage; I did, at one point, look it up out of pure curiosity, and even though the image of an asylum is a pervasive one, with straightjackets, padded rooms, and electroshock therapy, that was not the case with Guillaume’s experience. Guillaume had a private room, wore his own clothes, and spent most of his time in the library. He did high school over the internet and received a diploma in the mail.

            Part of me wanted to believe that my future roommate was some other Guillaume, but how many Guillaume Argots are there in the world? Guillaume Argots going to an American college? A small, private liberal arts school that Guillaume, my Guillaume would have known… but other Guillaumes may not have?

            I heard my parents coming up the stairs. I shut my laptop.

            “Did you get the e-mail? Who’s your roommate?” my mother asked.

            “Roger,” I said, because it seemed like a fairly harmless name. “Roger Elwin. I’m going to see if I can find him on Facebook or something tonight.”

            Roger Elwin was a name my mother could buy. Roger Elwin was probably blond, tall, broad-shouldered, played basketball or football, was going into something employable. The antithesis of Guillaume. Guillaume, if he was like he had been six years ago, was small, and skinny, and black-haired, and was likely going to get a degree in literature. When you were as rich as the Argot family, you could afford to get a passion degree. I was going to go for political science, but then go on to law school. My mother was a lawyer, and my father was a lawyer, and I would be a lawyer. Guillaume would learn about literature and then probably go on getting advanced degrees until he went to jail for real.

            You could ask me why I didn’t tell my mother about Guillaume. Why I didn’t defer for a year, or go to a different college; a better college, even. Why I didn’t call the admissions office or whoever was in charge of pairing up roommates and tell them that I couldn’t room with Guillaume because when we were twelve we killed kids together. I would say that I froze, or that I didn’t want to defer enrollment, or that I believed it wasn’t my Guillaume, and all of that would be a lie. The reason I didn’t do any of that was a mix of curiosity and guilt.

            Curiosity, because I wanted to see what had become of him. I wanted to see if he was still the same, in looks and temperament, and in the little things that made Guillaume, Guillaume. The insane sweet tooth that, if his parents hadn’t been richer than God, would have bankrupted his parents on dental bills. The fact that he would read anything and everything you put in front of him: nonfiction, fiction, it didn’t matter. The one physical flaw I remembered—no matter how much sleep he got, he always had dark crescents under his eyes, like he needed about four more hours of rest.             And guilt, because I’d testified against him and gotten away scot-free.

#just ramblings of aurora #self publishing #horror novel #aurora writes #writing #books #booklr