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ayurileopardsdream · 4 years

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First Time - Chapter 1

Description: Elena thought it was a good idea to try going out into the field on a group mission for the first time. It doesn't end well, but her loving girlfriends make her feel much better.

Author’s note: This story is also posted on AO3. Little bit NSFW close to the end but they’re JUST showering, I promise.

Rating: T

Words: 6,545

Series: Charlie’s Angels (2019)

Au: First Mission? First Times? Idk.

Characters / Pairing: Jane Kano/Sabina Wilson/Elena Houghlin - OT3

Genre: romance, hurt & comfort, fluff, angst.

Link to the AO3 copy: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22864708/chapters/54647899

It was just after one of their toughest missions yet. It was stupid to let Elena out into the field. Sabina thought she was ready, and Jane wasn’t sure. Maybe she was just overprotective, maybe she wasn’t ready to put Elena in total danger. But all in the same, they were both traumatized, terrified, when they almost lost her.

It was like any other day. The three Angels were lounging about, both the smaller Angels comfortably nestled under Jane’s arms around their shoulders, she and Elena sleeping while Sabina, also cuddled up, just watched some quiet tv. Then Bosley came in with a few little notes in hand.

“Alright Angels, up and at’em.” She called, softly but with order.

Jane, being ex MI6, was able to rest and wake with little to no grogginess, full attention, ready to take in the orders about to be given. Sabina turned off the tv, not groggy, at attention but still giving off relaxed vibes. She would pick up the information too, focusing. Elena, on the other hand… she sleepily opened her eyes, rubbing them as she slowly sat up and looked at Bosley like it was a sunny 6 am. The other Angels chuckled and helped sit her upright. Bosley chuckled and rolled her eyes. An Angel, but still a novice. Once the three were at attention finally, Bosley began giving orders.

Jane would be security, the muscle, taking out the bodyguards around the perimeter, Sabina would work her way in, find and detain our criminal target, and Elena would take out lights, power, inter security, firewalls, etc, as she did every mission.

“Can I be out in the field this time?” She asked quietly, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

“No.” Jane said immediately. She refused to put her small girlfriend in harm’s way, ever.

Sabina on the other hand, was silent for a moment, considering it. “You can type and walk, can’t you babe?”

“O-of course I can.” She stammered, locking eye-contact before looking back at Bosley who was watching the whole thing.

“I dunno Boz, I think we should give her a shot.” Sabina voted, giving a shrug.

“Absolutely not.” Jane cut in, frowning seriously. “I don’t care. She’s not going in. She could get hurt. Get seriously damaged. Kidnapped, bruised, shot even. What if something happens?”

“Relax Jane, she’ll be fine! We’re all on coms, I’ll keep an eye on her, she’ll be with me while you run around and bash in people’s necks.”

For a moment Elena was wide-eyed and very concerned, but once again Jane shook her head with a chuckle. “It’s not that dramatic, I put them to sleep and safely set them down.” But in the end it was all up to Bosley, even though they weren’t connected to the missions at all. She was pondering, watching them watching her…

“Well kitten, if you really want to give it a shot. This isn’t an easy quest though. It’s up to you. Do you want to try being in the field?”

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They were sitting in the driveway of a huge mansion, with cars, vans already all over the place. There were guards everywhere, lights flashing, obviously a big rich party happening inside. They were going over mission details. Jane keeps eyes around outside, then moves their way in, taking out every guard she can, then finds and assists the others. Sabina will weave her way through the party crowd, seduce the client, get them alone, then prepare them to be picked up by police. Elena would also be weaving the crowd, remotely taking out the cyber security, cause distractions with lights, mess with people’s phones, whatever, while also getting experience of being surrounded by dangerous people. Just walking around was all Jane would allow. She was nervous and stressed and protective of Elena, but trusted Sabina wholey and so would let her take charge of the mission this time.

“You all ready?” Jane asked, after parking their getaway car.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Elena breathed, shaking herself out, causing the two others in the front to turn around with worried eyes.

“If you’re not comfortable, we can leave you here to keep you safe.” Sabina spoke first, then looked to Jane if she would add anything but she stayed quiet, watching their smaller partner.

“No.. no. I.. I want to do this. I’m just a little nervous. First time jitters you know?” A line that would definitely be important for later.

“If you’re sure.” Jane murmured finally, then leaned over to place a caring kiss upon Elena’s forehead, then near Sabina’s ear. The jock returned the affection to Jane’s cheek, then Elena’s forehead again. Elena was blushing with a giggle, grinning ear-to-ear. Then, they got out to begin.

It was after dark, 9 pm. The sky was black, no stars. The only lights were from the mansion. Jane wore a sleek black suit, easy to move in, easy to hide in, with only a bra underneath the jacket. Sabina had her favorite shiny silver dress, and Elena was given a tailored version of Jane’s gorgeous emerald dress, but it was given a black cover jacket to look less noticeable. They stood out but they also hid, just as they should.

Game on.

Jane thought it was important to always kiss, hug, embrace before a mission. So they the Angels got a little bit of confidence, a bit of pep in their step, to truly harness their energy and they’d come back beaming with stories of their side of the fight. So she held Elena’s shoulders gently in her hands, almost in slow-motion, her eyes fluttered closed, lips parted slightly as she leaned in to kiss Elena on the lips, for love and good luck.

“WAIT!” She cried, throwing hands to Jane’s chest and refusing the motion be continued.

“What’s wrong? Do I have bad breath?” Jane asked, eyes wide in surprise and a little worry.

“I know this isn’t the right time but I’ve never had my first kiss…” She admitted, and pulled away from Jane, looking beyond embarrassed and a little ashamed. The two other angels stared in shock, before smirking/smiling and sighing. Elena was so pure and sweet.

“Well, we will not jinx it then. After the mission, we will both give you your first kiss, so it’s truly magical in a safe, secure and comfortable location." Jane assured her, before Sabina butted in, literally.

“Yeah, it’ll be hot and sexy and lots of tongue, you’re gonna have the kisses of your life.”

Elena laughed nervously, while Sabina gave a cheeky snicker and Jane just shook her head, chuckling.

“Well, let us give you this for good luck instead.”

Almost like they’d practiced or planned it, at the same time they leaned in and kissed both of Elena’s cheeks, with a little on the edge of her lips, just enough. Then to emphasize what Elena was in for, Jane and Sabina shared a kiss of their own, on the lips, arms wrapped around each other, not too seductive, perfectly full of love, courage, confidence. The light of the mansion somehow illuminating them, like something out of a perfect fantasy. Elena could only watch in awe as they pulled away, they must have used tongue because the very almost unnoticeable strand of saliva that parted from their lips, which Sabina cheekily swatted away at. Wow…

“Alright ladies. Good luck.” Jane murmured with a nod, before the tall brunette disappeared into the shadows to begin taking out the guards. Sabina took Elena’s hand and led her to the stairs to the two main guards, flashed her smile, gave their fake names on the list, and entered the building. Sabina gently patted the smaller brunette’s shoulder for good luck, and went off to survey. Once they were all out of sight of each other, coms went on.

Sabina: “Check.” Jane: “Here.” Elena: “Me too!”

The other Angels laughed softly at her quiet enthusiasm.

Sabina was already flirting at the bar, while looking over the crowd for their target.

Elena was on her phone, taking out the security with ease, shutting down the actual security room exactly when planned, when Jane took out the guards guarding and around that area. Whew. Her cheeks flared when in her ear Jane softly told her she’d done a good job.

Everything was going great and smoothly, until Sabina’s eyes widened from across the room at the target tapping Elena on the shoulder, causing the hacker’s blood to go cold as she turned around to see the man of the hour smiling menacingly at her.

“Well hello there.” The target cooed, gently taking her free hand and kissing her knuckles, in which Sabine bristled with soft fury. There was nothing she could do. She couldn’t interfere. She couldn’t go over there. She could just stand there, watching, while her stomach tightened with anxiety. Just relax. Nothing was happening. They were just talking. Relax.

“Hm. Hello there.” Elena murmured, clearing her throat and trying to keep calm while smiling at the man.

“I don’t believe we’ve met before. I am Carlile, but you can call me Mike. And yourself?”

Gulp. “I’m Willow. A pleasure. This place is yours?”

“Why of course. How kind of you to notice. Would you like to see more of it?”

“I-um.. sure!”

“Damnit! Jane! Mike has Elena!” Sabina hissed into her com, clenching fists while downing a shot at the bar. The alcohol burned her throat but not as much as the anxiety burning in her chest at her precious girlfriend being ushered out of the room by a terrifyingly creepy man.

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“Right this way. You seem like a bookish type. Let me show you my prized collection.” Putting a hand on Elena’s back, gently pushing her through the crowd, followed by two big men, out of the main area, and into the first room on the right down a hall with double doors. Sabina sneakily followed, and then her heart sank in horror… when the doors closed, and men stood guard. For a split second, Elena looked back and locked eyes with Sabina before she disappeared.

Would that be the last time Sabina saw Elena? Gods, pray for her safety. Sabina wasn’t religious, but…

“Jane. How many left do you have? We need you, now.” Sabina growled, clenching her fists again and fighting tears that dared to spill.

“I’m almost done I think. What’s going on?”

“He has her. He.. Mike got Elena.”

Silence. Agonizing, painful silence.

“We will get her back.”

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In the room, Elena was following Jane’s previous breathing practices, deep, slow breathing. Stay calm, stay cal-

“So, do you like this room? All my precious book collections, mappings, encyclopedias, dictionaries… you seem like the kind of person who would like instructionals, maybe fantasy fiction?”

Elena agreed sheepishly, although admiring the book collection in this smooth study, there was a window, which she looked at a few times while pacing, looking at the doors, and she almost jumped when the hand touched her shoulder again.

“So what organization do you represent? Are you a gambler? A weapons dealer? A model looking for some risk, perhaps?” He purred, sliding a hand down her back, just resting before her bum. “You can tell me who you are. I’ll keep your secret.”

Elena was trying so hard to keep herself calm, but man was she afraid. She opened her mouth to speak before closing it again, choosing her words very carefully.

“I’m glad you noticed. I’m more of a collector of weapons than a dealer, really. I heard some things from some neighbors that deals go on in this house frequently, so I wanted to come and see.” Oh man. She was trying so hard.

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While Jane was sneaking her way around, taking out the outer layer of guards then making her way inside, Sabina was desperately trying to come up with a new plan on the spot. Come on, come on. Think, think! Okay. Got a plan. “Jane, let me know when you’re done with the outer round. I’m gonna try to get in there.”

“Just finished the runaround, coming in now. Be careful.”

“I know.”

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“You know, I noticed your friend in the shiny silver dress coming over to talk to me, but I’d much rather talk to you. You’re more sophisticated, less… flirty. I like that. A woman who doesn’t need to bat eyes to get a man’s attention.”

Oh god oh god oh god.

Gently sitting Elena down in a chair, then began to rub her shoulders.

“That’s right. A weapons collector, hmm? And which is your favorite piece to admire?” He purred again, and Elena stared in silent fear as he expertly tied her arms down with scarves to the arms of the chair.

“Um… the… glock?”

Fuck.

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Masterfully taking out the two guards outside the door, Sabina held two clear glasses and a big bottle of wine as she practically threw open the door with a big fake smile but slightly worried eyes. “Sorry if I’m interrupting something. Someone told me I could find Mr. Carlile in here and I wanted to share a drink with him.” Staring at Elena for a moment, taking in the situation but then keeping her charade. She would be either shaking with fear or writhing with rage at her beloved Elena terrified, captured in such a way. “Isn’t this a party? Come on? It’s stuffy in here.”

“Please excuse us, we were having a private moment.” Mike growled but kept a respectable smile.

“But Mr Carlile, don’t you want to have a little fun?” Sabina asked with a grin, clinking the glasses together.\

The man smiled and walked around behind her, closing and locking the door, before going to stand back behind Elena, and calmly sticking a piece of duct tape over her mouth, making Sabina’s eyes widen, Elena’s too. The poor small woman was trying so hard to not shake or show fear, but her eyes… No Elena, this wasn’t the end for you. Sabina would be sure of that.

“You both can drop the acts now. I don’t know who you are, or who you work for, but I know when there are snakes in my pit of owls. Tell me what I want to know and I’ll make this painless.”

Putting the wine and glasses on a table by the door, Sabina yelled softly as she whipped her hidden thigh knife at the shoulder of the enemy with perfectly trained accuracy and speed, and smirked as her thick and heavy blade embedded itself in his flesh, causing a loud and pained grunt as he staggered backwards. Eyes wide with surprise, pain, rage, he pulled it out regardless of the growl he let out, before dashing over to Elena, holding the grossly stained knife against her throat.

“Try to hurt me again and I’ll end your friend here.” He snarled, using his other hand to grip Elena’s hair, causing a quiet whimper from the captive. Very silent tears dripped from Elena’s eyes, she was truly afraid, and her attempt to keep from shaking with as saddening as well.

Sabina clenched her fists and grit her teeth. This asshole was going to get his own teeth knocked in in a minute. Just had to plan it out. Be calm. Stay there. “Information, now. Or she gets it.” He threatened, then Sabina just yelled and charged at him. Thankfully it took him beyond surprise, his arm and hand lifted away from Elena’s neck in slow-motion, and Sabina took him down, pounding her fists against his face in pure rage.

Sabina had been on plenty of missions. Through extensive training period after training period until everything was beyond perfect. Her skills, her stealth, her control, her emotion. But not today. Not now. Rarely did Sabina ever lose control, ever go into a fury. She had so much control but seeing Elena crying in terror at being even slightly harmed by a criminal, a bad man, a thug whatever…

It caused poor Sabina to go berserk. She let out a loud cry of fury as she reeled herself in with one last knockout punch to his head, and if he were struggling, everything went limp. And just in time to as Jane crashed through the locked double-doors to the library/study, eyes quickly taking in the scene with horror. It took no time at all to put pieces together. Sabina standing with bruised/bloody fists over their captive, Elena in the chair tied and gagged, the looks they both shared at Jane with their wounded eyes.

The next few minutes went by as quickly as they could. Obviously the party-goers had heard the yell. Jane quickly prepared their target as a gift for police, ending the party, telling everyone to get out and go home. As she did that, Sabina untied Elena, not giving her a choice as the smaller woman was scooped into the jock’s arms, and Jane followed the two outside to the getaway car. Jane would comfort them later. She slid in, turned the keys, took off once seatbelts were on. Sabina sat in the backseat, using a heated blanket they stored in the back to cuddle Elena, who had her eyes screwed shut against Sabina’s neck, arms folded against her own chest and legs slightly bent towards the door of the van. Sabina held her close but gently, keeping her there. It was all too quiet. Poor Elena was so scared… Sabina was so upset… Jane… she was so… ashamed? Sorry. She was sorry she wasn’t there.

When the team got back to the Townsend Agency HQ, Bosley got up from the couch, throwing her arms open for celebration.

“Welcome back Angels! I hope everything went well as it always does-” opening her eyes and dropping her arms, she looked at the three standing in the entryway.

Sabina still holding the closed-eyes Elena cuddled and curled in the blanket, Jane having a supportive hand on Sabina’s left shoulder, Bosley stared for a moment before giving an order that definitely didn’t need to be said.

“Go. Go lie down, all of you. Jane can brief me in the morning. Go.”

Without a word, they all moved to Jane’s big room down the hall. Jane, with her superior strength, lifted both Sabina and Elena into her arms, scooping them onto the bed and both of them cuddled against her. No words needed to be said. All three Angels stayed there, against each other, just breathing softly, reveling in the feeling that it was over. Very carefully Jane adjusted them so they were still against her but lying down under the comforter the bed provided, the heating blanket thrown to the floor as the other two Angels were all the heat they needed. They stayed there until sleep took them, not daring to move away.

Well, they were never doing that again. Elena would probably take a couple days off if anything came up right after that mess.

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The sun rose, eyes slowly fluttered open. As expected, the poor smallest girlfriend was mute for a while, unable to speak. It was a huge sigh of relief when Sabina tickled under Elena’s chin and got her mouth to open and a little giggle to come out, and hearing the nose made Jane smile too. That’s the way to get better. Soft fluffy love. Easiest, fastest way to recover. They didn’t want to move, all 3 were so warm and comfortable amongst each other.

Thank goodness the whole team of 5 had some weird telepathic connection or something because not long after they woke, Bosley and Saint brought in a few trays of delicious-smelling breakfast treats, warm food, cold fruit, many glasses of milk, water, juice. Practically the whole kitchen on shiny silver trays, platters… thank goodness for Sabina’s reach otherwise nobody would be able to get anything. Trays were set left right and center, and very strategically did Sabina’s one arm and Jane’s two wiggling hands manage to get around and grab things.

They slowly ate, drank, consumed with one another, feeding their beautiful sleepy baby her food while enjoying stuff themselves. Times like these, again with no words, were perfect. The amazing flavors bouncing in their mouths, the warmth resonating between their bodies in the dresses still from the other night… After eating they would all have to shower.

Again, with light and feathery touches did Jane and ‘Bina tickle and touch Elena’s wonderful face, her little smiles and giggles were more than anything they ever could have asked for. And when the trays of food began to look like trash, Jane gave Sabina a nod, who slowly tossed back the sheets, and finally, words began. “Alright sweethearts, we really should get out of these clothes. ‘Bina, you go start the shower, I’ll prepare our princess here.”

(Please note, I will have the plot that yes they’ve at least seen each other naked before.)

Sabina and Jane have no shame and have had their fun together, touched each other, seen each other naked, but Elena was a whole other story. They’ve rarely seen her naked, they’ve never touched her yet, she was a whole new piece on the board and they wouldn’t dare even breath in her direction in such a way without all of the consensus. So Sabina slinked away to Jane’s private bathroom, starting and steaming up the shower, leaving her dress on the floor just before the door. Jane stayed in bed with Elena for a moment, but she knew it was time to talk to her directly, just for this.

“Elena? ....... are you with me?”

A slow, hesitant nod came by with a tiny sigh from Jane. Elena tried to cuddle up closer to Jane, burying her face in the taller woman’s neck.

“Are you alright?”

A quicker-responded nod, eyes closed against Jane’s skin.

“You’re really alright?” She asked again with full concern, asking if she was okay from… last night.

It was a long pause, before Elena’s reply was her finally sitting upright, stretching her arms, and with the softest, sad-laced voice… “Yeah. I’m okay.”

Thank the gods.

“I’m really glad.” Jane replied, leaning over to place multiple kisses along Elena’s cheek, ear, jaw, peppering her. Taking her hand and making the cute little Angel giggle at feather-light contact, until they shared a truly-loving stare, to ensure that everything was really alright.

“Aww, you got her going without me?” Sabina teased, standing in the bathroom doorway completely in the nude.

Elena blinked with wide eyes and a deep blush, squeaking cutely and hiding her face against Jane.

The taller woman laughed and rubbed Elena’s back, cuddling her once again. “Elena darling, there’s something we actually want to ask you.”

Slowly leaning up again and trying not to stare directly at Sabina’s beautifully barren form, she looked at Jane’s serious but soft eyes curiously. “We absolutely don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want to do,”

“And our safe words are colors, Red, Green,” Sabina added.

“We were both thinking…”

“As we haven’t seen you naked yet,”

“Sabina!” Jane hissed, shooting a threatening glare over at the snickering naked jock.

“What she means to say is, we would love to treat you to a shower. We know you’re still a little shaken up from the mission events from the previous evening, and we want to make you feel better. Clean you up, get those eyes shining brightly again, along with your skin from that dusty party. What do you say?”

Elena stopped, was silent still, processing. She.. she was being offered a shower with her two loving girlfriends, who wouldn’t do anything the wrong way unless she spoke a color of consent. So it would just be a scrub. Well, okay. And if anything else happened in there, who could control that, huh.

With a soft and shy voice, she nodded. “Okay. Uh, green. I.. I’d like to shower with you both.”

“Yesss.” Sabina hissed delightfully, rubbing her hands together. “We’re gonna get subbed up.”

“You mean sudsed up.” Jane corrected, rolling her eyes with a smirk. Then she rose, dropping her dress as she stepped away from Elena, losing the clothing with elegance, leaving them crumpled on the floor.

“We’ll start without you, don’t want to make you uncomfortable forcing you in the room with us. Join us in the shower when you’re ready, alright?” Then just like that, Jane and Sabina were gone, silent, out of ear and eyesight.

Elena was alone. Not in a bad way! Just alone on the bed, in her clothes, with her thoughts.

With a shaky breath, she slowly rose up, sheepishly taking the straps off her dress, wiggling out of it and leaving it on the bed. Then she dropped her bra and underwear on the floor near Jane’s, and using a towel as a cover for her shyness, she opened the bathroom door, into the steam, into the next chapter of her life.

Through fogged glass, she could see Jane and Sabina embracing each other under the showerhead. Wow… even their silhouettes were beautiful. She almost didn’t want to interrupt them. But thankfully the door swung open, Sabina peeking out with the big goofy grin, one foot out and half falling out of the hot box if her other arm wasn’t supporting her using one of the metal beam arm-guards for support. Because they had support beams/bars/shelves in there for if anyone ever ended up injured and needed support/something to grip or lean on. Jane stood with her head just slightly peeking out but a little under half of her bare form could be seen over Sabina’s head. They stood there, smiling, watching, waiting calmly, inviting her whole-heartedly to join them.

Seeing the love in their eyes and expressions, Jane’s open arm to guide her in, and Sabina offering her free arm too, Elena removed her towel and neatly hung it up on the railing by the toilet, and grinned shyly when Sabina spoke first.

“Wow girl! You’re gorgeous! Wow! Get in here so we can admire you some more!” Then she disappeared back into the glass shower, leaving Jane there, standing with only the most loving of gazes.

“She’s right you know. You’re absolutely stunning and we would be truly grateful if you still decide to join us in here for a good clean. Someone as magnificent as yourself surely would like to get soaped up and treated as the princess you are.” Wow. Jane always had a way with words. And somehow through the somewhat loud sound of spraying water could she still hear Elena’s ever soft words.

“Okay. I’m coming.”

Elena gently took Jane’s inviting hand, and led her in, closing the door behind her. Jane let her stand there while she went back to the middle of the area, taking more soap from the many body wash bottles, and after rubbing her hands together, she put on a little show that was more soothing than seductive, showing Elena what she was in for if she wished. With soapy, sudsy, bubbly hands, Jane began rubbing Sabina’s shoulders, massaging as best as she could through the slipperiness that was soap and wet skin. Sabina gave a little moan as the hands slid across one arm to the next, scrubbing her armpits and then coming back for her neck.

Jane gave Sabina a teasing little squeeze around her throat that just made the jock laugh, then soapy hands ran down her back, massaging the tense and scarred muscle around the spine, and gave Sabina’s bum cheeks a little squeeze which brough giggles out of both Sabina and Elena, before Jane continued to thoroughly scrub Sabina with her bare hands, and then rinsed her hands off when she was done with her backside.

“Aww Mom, is that all you got for me?” Sabina joked, giving a pout.

“Now now ‘Bina. I still have your legs, chest, feet and vagina to clean.” Jane reminded her, and weirdly enough Elena gave a little shiver at how easily Jane could say… that.

Sabina whined like a little kid but was happy as soon as Jane came back with soapy hands, doing as she said. Washing her thighs and leg… pits? Her knees, down to her ankles, and lifting her foot to clean, scrub and wash those overworked runners. Then Jane stood tall, getting a fresh batch of suds on her hands before turning them both to the side to show Elena Sabina’s chest, about to be cleaned.

With soapy hands, Jane curved the muscles on Sabina’s chest, squeezing them delicately, making sure every inch of those mounds were scrubbed, and teasingly plucking at Sabina’s nipples, pinching, squeezing, twisting with sudsy fingers, making the smaller of the two Angels give an appreciative moan, and once Jane was sure she’d cleaned completely, hands slid down her abs, stomach, slid along her inner thighs, but didn’t dare go near the place Sabina was probably expecting. Once more Jane stood to rinse, and re suds, then gave Sabina what she wanted, while at the same time nothing at all. Both of them knew the curses soap had upon using it as 1, a replacement for lube, and 2, getting frisky while actually trying to clean. Sabina knew the painful burns their soap gave upon last time she begged Jane to touch her while scrubbing her down.

So Jane massaged her lips, gave soap into the curves and crookes of Sabina’s core, any hair she had, making sure it was totally clean. Not just for herself, but for proper health in general. When she was sure Sabina was totally clean, she gave a light spank to the over-excited woman, lightly directing her to rinse off.

“Want me to scrub your head?” Jane asked Sabina, holding their favorite shared substance bottle in her hands.

“Mmm… nah that’s okay. I’ll do your hair after I do mine. Soap yourself up.”

Throughout this whole time, Elena was still shyly by the door, watching the whole thing, hands and arms covering her private parts. Wasn’t she cold? Jane sure noticed.

She quickly cleaned and soaped her whole body in record time before offering a hand to the smaller Angel.

“Come here Elena. At least get warmed up. You look freezing. We won’t touch you anywhere you don’t consent, okay?”

Elena finally let her hands drop, but she took Jane’s hand, coming into the hot stream and sighing happily as she embraced the heat and got herself and her skin soaked. Sabina respectfully kept her distance as she scrubbed her own hair, and politely said “Excuse me” to Elena, to rinse her hair out.

Once Sabina was 101% shiny and clean, she pulled out the big smooth stool for Jane to sit on like a little kid while Sabina soaped up and scrubbed Jane’s head and gorgeous locks. One of the best things about the showers were the soapy head massages. And Jane rarely made any sound, but with this, she was a songbird. A pleasure for her partners' ears alone, something they would have to memorize.

With Sabina’s hands first working on the long locks that hung down, Elena watched while Jane stared at the wall across from her, before looking over and smiling happily. Once Sabina was sure the long locks were done and clean, she began to work on the scalp. Soaping it up, scrubbing gently, fingers working against her head, Jane’s eyes fluttered closed, her lips parted ever so slightly, she straightened her back against Sabina, tilted her head, and moaned. Softly, but both women could hear it clearly, and Sabina smiled earnestly, hearing such a wonderful sound again.

She worked her hands deep but also gently against Jane’s head, along the sides, scrubbing the back of her cranium, being very thorough while also giving Jane the stress-free massage she deserved.

Elena, as gentle and curious as she was, oddly felt obligated to join in somehow. So she went to stand directly in front of Jane, knelt down on her knees, and pulled Jane into a hug. Sabina aww’d from above as they shared a hug while Sabina still scrubbed. The hug only lasted a moment but it was enough. Something so light, so easy, yet so intimate and meaningful.

Sabina took one of the large cups they used as a shower tool, cupping over Jane’s forehead to protect her face from the soapy water she rinsed out. Rinse, rinse. Very carefully and calmly rinsing out Jane’s hair completely. Then she was done.

“All done Jane-y baby.” Sabina chimed, and the taller woman stood up to exchange the hug with Sabina, who took it and returned it very happily. They nuzzled each other, then pulled away for Sabina to hug Elena too.

“Didn’t forget you, princess.” She cooed, and hugged Elena tight, kissing her ear and cheek before pulling away. Both original Angels were soaped and clean. Now for the third.

“Alright ‘Bina, how should we do this?” Jane asked, admiring Elena’s uncovered form from the soaps by the showerhead.

“Mmm I dunno Jane, shall we both take her on?”

Both? Both.

They both looked at Elena for her reaction, decision.

“Hey Elena?” Sabina asked. “Can we get your consent to both wash you? Or whatever you wanna do.”

Deep breaths Elena. This was just a shower. With your two beautiful experienced loving girlfriends who were literal angels. No big deal.

“You can both shower me.” She decided, before quickly adding “Oh, green.” Which made the two angels grin ever so appreciatively. They really liked the color thing. It was important, important to them, so it meant a lot just for her to say that. Elena went to sit on the stool, but Sabina quickly swiped it, and Jane caught Elena’s tumbling form with ease.

“Nah-ah-ah princess, we’d like you to stand please. Sorry about that.” Sabina said, and once her hands were lathered up, so were Jane’s. Elena was a little shaken but nothing she couldn’t easily shake off with a smile.

She stood up straight with her arms out, and both Angels gave her kisses on her ears, neck, then cheeks before lathering her shoulders, raising an eyebrow to each other when Elena gave a happy hum at the little massages. They then slid along her arms and pit, then her sides, Jane tickling Elena a little and everyone giggling when Elena did.

They scrubbed and massaged her back, then turned around to her hips and stomach, Sabina tickling her this time and once again a little giggle fit ensued. They skipped and went down to wash her legs and feet, using themselves to support her off-balance, then stood before her, serious faces.

“Elena, may we have your consent to wash your privates?” Jane asked seriously, and Sabina almost crossed her arms to insinuate how important consent was to them.

Elena blinked. Wow. It was so touching how, well you know, how seriously they took consent.

“Green. You may um.. both.. clean the rest.”

Without further ado, they moved. Jane on the left, Sabina on the right. Nothing sexual, they promised. Washing her bum cheeks, then her breasts, and they looked at each other, then Elena.

“Green.”

And they went. Hands sliding along her inner thighs, Elena had literally never been touched before. Total virgin. They knew that. When they started their official polyamorous relationship, they went over everything very seriously. They slid along her lips, making sure not to try to turn her on, the sole purpose was to clean.

Any hair she may have was scrubbed and cleaned, the skin between her bum and her privates, and when she was super clean, they rinsed her off under the shower and with the cup, sliding and running their hands along her silky-smooth skin like they’d never touched anything else ever before. And when that was done with, it was time for Jane’s legendary scalp massage for Elena. Sabina snickered, standing back to watch Elena’s facial expressions when it happened. Elena was given the plastic stool to sit on, and Jane began. Soaping up her hands one last time with shampoo and conditioner, she began working on Elena’s long locks, brushing her fingers through them, getting every single strand of this young Angel’s gorgeous mane. Once she was done with that, the best part came.

“Just relax and enjoy, alright?” Jane whispered, trying to sound caring, despite what Sabina’s face may have led Elena to believe. Jane began scrubbing Elena’s scalp and immediately the small Angel’s eyes fluttered closed halfway, her shoulders slouched slightly, and she huffed out a very pleased sigh. Sabina rolled her eyes, while Jane instructed Elena politely to sit back up. Once she had, back straightened, Jane continued, looking at Sabina’s face for Elena’s reactions. A perfect triangle.

Elena leaned back against Jane’s waist and thighs, in cute utter bliss as the hands massaging her scalp, cleaning and scrubbing her hair. This should not have felt as good as it did. This was illegal. Maybe there was something in the shampoo. Or the conditioner. Or- nope. It was definitely Jane’s soft, slow, long fingers. Wow. If there was such a thing as tension in the scalp, surely it would be gone now.

Then came the cover over her eyes, and the water rinsing out. Again, slender fingers brushed through her hair, relaxing her. If it weren't for Angel training, she most likely would have fallen asleep. Jane's massage was absolutely wonderful. Wow.

And then, it was over.

The three Angels turned off and stepped out of the glass shower box, grabbed the big white fluffy towels and began to dry each other off. Jane was more careful and gentle, and was determined to completely pamper Elena till she was absolutely sure the young Angel was okay and back to her happy darling self. So Jane was drying Elena’s body efficiently. Thank goodness the towels were so soft, so Jane’s progress could be a little rougher. Sabina knew what Jane was up to, and would join in when she felt like it, but with a somewhat serious frown, she dried herself off.

Jane knew that Sabina had technically gone through something that night too, but she was stronger than Elena. Jane would help her too, later.

When Elena was all cozy and dry, her hair and her body, Jane gave her an equally fluffy housecoat to relax in. Then moved to Sabina, helping the slightly grumpy Angel. Sabina wouldn’t admit it, but when Jane was drying her off, Sabina loved to be touched, comforted and cuddled too. She was almost too eager to return the hug that Jane gave her.

More time passed and they all got dry. Together they exited the bedroom, fully intended to get dressed, maybe do something fun, go out, maybe take Elena to a fair?

As Sabina and Jane moved to the bed and began to take off their housecoats for clothes, Elena stood in the doorway, silent, watching, waiting.

“Wait.” Elena called, causing the others to freeze, turn, stare at Elena who was beckoning for their attention. Thank goodness she was talking again.

“Can I kiss you both?”

#Charlie's Angels #Charlie's Angels 2019 #fanfic #my fanfic #mine #jane x sabina x elena #ot3 #Jane kano #sabina wilson #elena houghlin #ao3 link

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Uhhh welp... *derps x2* (Update and some past therapy and college/uni talk)

I really wanted to write a post but at the same time I’m not feeling very well and feel like the effort to do so might drain me even more. Maybe I’ll try write it more brief, since all my previous posts end up so hella long lol.

Anyways, on monday was what I thought would be a therapy session but it was in fact another referral consultation, but I still poured all my truthful feelings and fears out. I feel kinda proud I didn’t kind of hold back or soften the things I said as much as I usually would (though I still stumbled over some words and blanked a little, but it’s okay!). Also I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be, I was just so focused on trying to give the consultant all the relevant information possible and almost went overtime in my super fired up blabby confession moment lol. She noted it all down and said she’d speak with her supervisor and decide where or who best to refer me to and be in contact by the end of the week.

I literally told her so many things that I would have a hard time telling anyone or even writing here. I began with the avoidant stuff and then kinda veered off into my super paranoid-ness troubles and a little on dependent-ness, it was... ugh... real difficult to talk about it without feeling like a fool but I also mentioned how I’ve been trying really hard to rationalise things and be more positive and stuff and for someone to acknowledge and sort of praise that felt nice. I also pulled out some of the most random and uncomfortable situations from my past to give as examples for things and it was uh... I struggled a bit and felt awkward a little but she was very sympathetic and nice! :>

When she asked what my perception of myself was, as I mentioned I have a low view of myself, I said what I thought (and it was only a few adjectives of the negative kind, but they were strong words... I guess I am being too hard on myself, but I can’t help it when it’s all I can see of myself :c) and she was a little surprised and said not many people would be able to say it so bluntly *laughs nervously and burrows head in the sand*. I made sure to get across that I’m very sensible about my actions and have been trying my best to improve and that I have a lot of hope to get better and she said this was good too ^^ There was a lot of other stuff but it’s too much effort to write down and remember lol. I’m not sure what she makes of all the stuff I said and what the supervisor will say about it, I just hope it goes in the right direction and stuff ahhh >< (Also that they don’t ask to see my blog because I did happen to mention it... they wouldn’t though right...? Like to make me conquer my fears or something ;w; ...Even if they did (unlikely) I could say no, don’t worry silly self!)

No obligations! My new mantra XD (Idek know if I’m using the right word but oh well, it works for me so imma use it! lololol~) Getting stuff off the chest and having your problems acknowledged really does feel like a weight has been lifted slightly hoo~ I feel a little bit more motivated and willing to disclose my fears and keep pushing to improve too ^^

I went to the supermarket after that with my sis who drove me to and from the appointment and I browsed around at a super leisurely pace. Maybe it was the sort of motivation boost from letting off the steam at the consultation that allowed me to roam around feeling less conscious of the other shoppers than I usually do, it was nice. I did still feel awk sometimes squeezing past people and sort of hovering around them cause I wanted to look at something but I persisted and I got to peruse as much as I wanted >:D

I said I didn’t want the post to get long but I thought why not write a little about my past therapy experiences since this post is about therapy, so here I go~! :U

In college I went to see a therapist lady about my ‘social anxiety’. I don’t remember the details before that, it was probably me finally acknowledging I was genuinely having a hard time with socialising or fitting in wherever I am and constantly being anxious around others that prompted me to get help. It’s likely I read some shizz off the internet then too lol. I think in school before that I would converse and confide in a friend who also had similar feelings but when it got to college I hardly saw them because their schedule was like the opposite of mine. The line between friends and classmates, it kinda becomes clear once you stop being together out of convenience (of the same class times and such).

The friendships I had and were grateful for just gradually faded and I guess my lack of initiative (or fear) to continue communication outside just made it even more inevitable. It’s okay though, people move on and people change, especially in the case of when people move to far away locations too. They have their life to live however and with whoever they want, and I have mine (which is terrible but... maybe it won’t be later on). I do miss them and I miss the time I spent in school with them, but what I hope most is that they are all happy and doing well c: There’s a lot more I’d want to write, but this post isn’t about that. There’s plenty of time to reminisce, remedy and maybe even reconnect with them someday later on.

Anyways, I can’t remember anything too detailed with the therapy there except we talked some and she game some sort of worksheets with some tasks to help me acknowledge my feelings and fears and to try expose myself to them little by little. I don’t think I got that far with that or maybe it’s because I chose to start seeing her so close to the end of my time at college that well the sessions obviously didn’t continue for long, I don’t think I went more than a small handful of times.

Something else I remember from probably one of my first talks with her, is that she asked me what I would wish for (or where I’d wish to live?? idk too long ago to remember) if I could, and I said something like to live in a normal house like everyone else lol. Idk I was envious of the cosy homes my friends, relatives and families on tv have that were so different from my own, more modern and homely unlike mine which is so old, unconventional and constantly noisy because my parents workplace is aside it. (Maybe the work place and home being so close makes it hard for my parents to sort of separate their work mindset and leisure time and that’s why they can never sort of relax and why I can never be comfortable idk.) Uh well anyways, she replied that it was such a humble(?) modest(??) wish... uh I’m really not sure of the right word to use to describe it or what she said exactly but basically it was indicating my wish was not like the extravagant sort of things other people would probably wish for. My wish (though I can’t remember the exact context leading up to asking about it) was in essence to be normal and have a normal environment and I guess that still stands, though I do have bigger dreams now too, but still not the overly extravagant kind haha. Idek what I was trying to say in this paragraph lol *goldfish memory*.

Also something else during college time, is that I went to this breathing exercise help thing which was supposedly supposed to help people who are anxious in exams or something but I just went in hope it might help me in general. It literally was just listening to some relaxing nature sounds and seeing some matching imagery while having your pulse tracked at the same time and I sucked at it and didn’t really improve much lol XD It was supposed to help you regulate your breathing and stuff but I just probably got more anxious about it. I wonder if it is anxiety that has been causing me all sorts of worrisome chest related problems, as they have persisted till now more than a decade later unresolved and still causing me bother. This is one of the health problems out of many which I have been trying to get to the bottom of and fix in the recent years, it’s really unsettling not knowing what’s really wrong or how to fix it ugh. Maybe I’ll write about it in a separate post another time (always putting off stuff ahhh, but I guess it makes sense to here), I’ve actually been trying real hard and gone through quite a lot of things in effort to resolve things, I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so but I need to continue to persevere.

Hmm... okay now for the therapist I went to in university. I can’t remember the exact thing that prompted me to start going or how I came to know of it, but it was probably the similar feelings of struggling and needing guidance and idk reading posters or some info booklets maybe. I know I started going later than I could have again and stopped going completely because... well, I ended up dropping out of Uni altogether :c I was struggling so badly, the anxiety, the depression etc. just made it so difficult to sleep, concentrate or understand anything and just being there unnerved me so much. I still regret it and feel like such a failure, but university isn’t for everyone anyways, I just chose to go because it is the typical thing to do after college (but a degree doesn’t guarantee work or anything so bleeeh~)

The therapist I was appointed was a guy and he was nice and this will sound really ridiculous and I feel real bad thinking this, but something about the way he looked reminded me of an army sergeant and it made me extra uncomfortable and intimidated. It was just so hard to unsee and also the fact he is a guy like I mentioned earlier make me unsettled (I’m even more insecure around guys) Dx Also I remember talking about some of my female related physical problems as I was going to doctors trying to sort stuff back then too (still partially unresolved now ugh) and well uh... it was so awks but he said he could understand and relate because his daughter had the same problem, he would share some stories about her other times too and I guess it was kind of nice, it helped me to see him more as a softer father type person rather than an army sergeant I guess lol.

Anyways that’s not important! One of the things I distinctly remember about my sessions there, is that one of his earlier sort of tasks was to write down what I thought of myself on a paper. I took the paper and I drew a simple scrawl of myself with an unhappy face and next to it (or in a speech bubble) I wrote ‘I hate myself’ and without looking up, I cried onto it... :< (I wonder how many times therapists have to see people cry a week or even a day ><) He gave me a sympathetic look and I don’t remember what else happened that session, probably just talked about some more basic stuff about myself and some positive thinking advice.

Another thing I found memorable is that he told me ‘you are the one that knows yourself best’ and it really stuck with me. There was also a kind of ‘you are the only one that can change yourself/you are the one that can help yourself most’ kind of phrase (but I can’t remember the exact wording) and before that he would use a sort of metaphorical situation and ask me what I would do. The one for this phrase was something about being out at sea/or a pool and needing help... *blank blank something something* ...uh I can’t remember the rest of the details and I don’t think I should guess because I made a whole lotta nonsense in the other paragraph before lol. Again it feels kind of unreal, like I was a different person then or that I’m seeing it from a different perspective... I wonder if it’s dissociation or something, it just feels so strange ><

Oh also this is semi-irrelevant but I went to have Dyslexia tests at both college and uni also (my friend that already went recommended me to go). I just wanted to know why I was struggling so bad, why I had so much trouble with concentrating, taking in info and all that stuff. Maybe I’ll write about the outcome of these and where they lead me another time (ugh) when I write about all my other health focused posts. I’ll just mention again that so many things in mental health and function overlap and that it’s so difficult to discern the definitive reasons for things, the diagnosis I got was...eh... and I took it with a grain of salt pretty much (and btw my family/relatives weren’t all that convinced or supportive of this or when I had a diagnosis of depression which was... well it wasn’t great). I’m glad I had the courage to go to these too because it did help me to understand myself and work a tiny bit more efficiently, but I guess my avpd-ness prevented me from wanting to use the stuff and advice they gave me in class and well, it was already kind of too late to sort of salvage what little motivation I had then and try continue.

Uh... that was hella negative. But I guess that’s basically all I remember about those things. I started writing this post on monday but well I guess I had more to write about than I thought and I didn’t have enough time alone to think about it and write it lol. I’ll finish this post by mentioning some of my more positive things from yesterday ^^ I phoned the mobile provider of this phone I bought recently and returned to get some details on my return. I’ve put this off for a few days already and wasn’t going to try, but I pushed myself to and yay I got the answer I wanted (though I could have said my question a bit more straight forward in the beginning instead but in the end I got there, so it’s okay xD). The past year or so I’ve called the doctors and my phone provider the most probably lol. About why I returned the phone... I just really wanted a new phone because mine is so old and frustratingly dysfunctional, but I changed my mind about the one I got and decided to wait to get another one. Indecision and impulse buying at it’s best yo~~~

Also I emailed an enquiry to a seller about some problem I had with some product bought from Amazon (which I’ve also been putting off). In general I feel I’ve been trying harder to not let that ‘oh no someone’s gonna judge me’ feeling from stopping me do some small things I wanted to do, like listen to this derpy old cd I found on my living room stereo just before and commenting on some things online (with my cheesy jokes and over enthusiastic complimenting as usual lol *facepalm*). Also thinking more positively about things like, when you feel you weren’t successful, it’s best not to beat yourself up about it, at least you tried and you can try again and it might be even better than previously. Like with this post, I didn’t finish it on monday or yesterday like I wanted, but there’s no point feeling down or mad at myself for it (I mean it was my own choice really and my fear stopping me, but it’s not gonna help to be overly harsh to myself about it) and since I’m continuing it now anyways, it’s no big deal. It wasn’t mandatory for me to finish it, I shouldn’t worry about it, no obligations! ^^ I hope I can keep it up and keep pushing out of my comfort zone too!

Ze end~! Must go do something more productive! Let’s go~! :3

#avpd #therapy #depression #anxiety #social anxiety #personal #feelings #fear #avoidance #past #memories #Don't give up!#I can do it!#Don't worry so much #let positivity shine through #Let's try our best! :3

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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@0@.... x3x... ;u; I did something kinda good today... and also dredging up some backstory and some notes about my family... [Repost 090517]

Welp, I just finished a phone call to a referral service for a therapist person. And... and!! It was hella hard, awkward and nerve wracking, but I... I did it! :D I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, because there’s a chance it may not turn out too well or have that much of an impact, but it will hopefully give me more direction at least. Maybe it could even be something I could write about here as I go along, to record my progress in my own words, it’d be something to encourage and give me a reason to post more hmm... Anyways okay, don’t be overly expectant or think too or far ahead, silly self. I just wanna relish in the fact I did something I usually have so much trouble with, phone calls, and the fact that the subject was even harder this time (with all those deep personal questions that I have never expressed to anyone before), feels like I played a harder stage of the anti-avoidance game and levelled up a little hehe :3 (I’ve been calling to make appointments at the doctors for physical health quite a lot since last year and my phone service provider and a few other things like that which has actually helped me feel a little less anxious about phone calls, so exposure to fears does work! It’s just you have to start small and sometimes some pressure and force is needed to get the gears going~! So if I post more, then posting should get easier too, right!? It’s so difficult to bring the confidence to write, post and not just want to delete everything, but I’ll keep trying..! >:3)

I had been wanting to see a therapist again for a long time but obviously my avoidance and kind of blah past experiences got in the way of that. I have been to see a therapist (I think?) before in my days at both college and university, but this time feels more serious and is under the medical services sort of thing, so I have a bit more hope for it. Looking back to those times though, I am kind of proud of myself, because I tried, and not even once but twice in this instance and also there were many other times I pushed myself to do things to benefit myself and my health, because I knew I was struggling. I would give my past self a good pat on the head if I could. It’s so strange, me then and me now feel so different even though the same troubles remain, I feel like I’m an entirely different person somehow and I often wonder how I was able to conjure such courage and drive to improve back then (though I guess it’s because the situations were different, and the fact that I had some friends to talk to then and I was not physically ill to the extent I am now is probably also a big factor *sigh*).

Anyways, I know that even if I try my best to encourage myself to change my thinking, it would be nowhere near as effective or eloquent as the help of a specialist, so I had to take the initiative to get this train to healthier thinking up and running asap, hence me finally pursuing a therapist again. This time imma try much harder to get better! :U

I actually already requested and was referred to a therapist 2 years ago but never went through with it and the person on the phone today was able to pull up this information of course (though I mentioned it to them too), but it just helped to prove my avoidant-ness which was kind of good in a way I guess lol. The reason I didn’t continue with the past referral is because of some things my mum said. (Hmm.. I was writing a post about my family and their influence on me but I guess I’ll try and merge it into this post.) What happened was a letter was sent to my house explaining that I had requested therapy and to make an appointment by calling some number and my mum saw it and basically said some stuff like “You don’t really need this, do you? This kind of thing is for crazy people” these are not the exact words, especially the word crazy, but it’s too long ago to remember. Basically it was indirectly telling me not to go, that this was something weird and it made me scared and successfully deterred me from going (I’m worried something similar might happen again but I’m definitely gonna make myself go no matter what this time). When I think back on this, I regret not just going ahead, as I could have started making progress already (the subsequent years were wasted in me wallowing in my own sadness and a load of escapism through online gaming, pointless consumption of internet trash etc) but I was even weaker to the judgement from my parents then. The concept of normalcy and the desire for it is such a baffling and troublesome thing... :<

I have to mention that my parents are quite old fashioned in thinking and as such not educated in stuff like mental health, so it’s not entirely their fault they still have perceptions like this. It’s a difficult thing to even bring up, anything is when it comes to talking about feelings, in a place where this never really occurs... my household. When I went to therapy in both college and university (though brief and focused on social anxiety, which is all I thought I had then), it was something I didn’t want my parents to know about so I lied and just told them I had a spontaneous class then, as they could see my timetable and the times I had an appointment with the therapist were outside of those periods (but classes outside what was written on the timetable were common and actually did occur a lot then anyways so it was a believable ploy). I can see now that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do, it made me very uneasy of course, but it made sense at the time. Anyways I didn’t want to cause any trouble to my family, for them to worry or deter me from taking the chance to feel more independent and take on my own problems. I still have the same kind of feeling now, though I can see that I was trying to avoid judgement back then just as much as I do now orz.

Then I can’t remember exactly how it led to this, though it seems likely the therapist recommended it, but I went to the doctor and got prescribed anti depressants and well my family definitely came to know about this (idk if it was before or after being prescribed it though). I can’t remember how everything went about but I took the meds for idk... I think less than a year(?) and came off them because the side effects were bad. The tablets were not some magical healing miracle of course, they made me feel just.... well, neutral .__. but that’s better than agonisingly depressed though... I mean I could still have sad thoughts, but the spiralling sad sort of mood just couldn’t occur and drag me down like before. I’m not sure if I could be happy either, or well I didn’t have the energy or reason to be happy anyways. The big downside was they made me feel even more brain foggy than I already was, I was lethargic and slept excessively and I was also very migraine-y and nauseous (this is actually how I am a lot of the time anyways lol, but the medicine exacerbated or brought on these symptoms consistently). I think I changed the medicine type to another but still struggled with the side effects. This was quite a handful of years back so some things are not 100% clear in my memory, but I remember it wasn’t a fun time lol. My family obviously saw the negative effects and were worried and didn’t want me taking them any more and so I guess I stopped just like that. I think my family is generally unfavourable towards taking medicines long term unless absolutely necessary, probably even more so about this, since this was for not for treating a physical ailment and you know there’s this whole stigma with mental health in general and treatment with medication and stuff.

Uh, I kind of sidetracked and forgot a lot of the stuff I wanted to write now lol... I just hope that this time with the therapist and everything will go better. When I think back to talking to the referral person, it actually didn’t go that smoothly to begin with or well, at all and it made me pretty uncomfortable and dampened my spirits slightly tbh. It was the most drawly conversation ever and idk it just didn’t seem as professional and polished as I would have expected it to be..? I’m also kind of nervous and confused because the referral person said I’d be contacted to arrange appointments and I asked about where they would be located and they said there’s many places and mentioned something about pubs...???? Aw jeez I should have listened better or ask more clearly but I kind of derped >^<;; I hope they were talking about future exposure methods or something and not flat out making me talk all my problems to them in public from the get go or something... XAX Like whaaaa? Is all therapy not done in a room in some clinical building? @A@ I’m getting kinda worked up over it, but I should just wait and see, I most likely just confused myself, anyways going to therapy is my choice and I don’t have to agree, right! Okay huff keep positive! I can go through with it!

Maybe I’ll write a bit more about my family now since I mentioned them in this post already and this post seems to have become very backstory-ish anyways, so might as well continue ya know~ How to start though..? Well, I kind of feel like my family is quite conservative and this can feel really restrictive, since what they probably want is a sensible and successful daughter and I guess so far I am the sensible (and timid as hell) part at least... orz. Also they do tend to judge me a lot and what they say actually does end up influencing a lot of my actions, but is this how it’s meant to be or am I just being too passive? My family is around me all the time, so it’s no mystery why I feel so caged in, why I’m growing so slowly and why I keep getting knocked back so much all the time. It’s not that they are bad people or that they don’t love me, it’s just that… sometimes things they say really hit me hard and also my parents have never really offered much in the emotional support department and maybe they don’t see it but they didn’t really help in my development as a functional adult either. I’ve always felt like my parents are different from all the other parents out there for many reasons and I really hate to compare them to others, but it happens. My parents are also the overprotective kind which doesn’t help to inspire independence, and I know for a fact I have grown to be very dependant and still feel like a child inside a lot of the time. As well as their old fashioned thinking, there is the big issue of their culture being different from the one all around me, the one outside which I have ended up feeling so alien to.

They are not completely unsupportive of me all the time or anything, it’s just idk... clash of interests? They do care for me deeply, it’s just hard to communicate about feelings and stuff. Every time I write something bad about them it makes me feel bad and I write some defending statement... I can’t help it... :/ I feel that my dad can be very condescending, or well has a prideful personality, so his words are particularly sharp and hurtful sometimes, while my mum is quick to dislike things or have slight prejudices etc. My dad quite easily throws around insults in the spur of the moment and is quite irritable in general. The fact that he doesn’t think about how the person on the receiving end feels or has a reason for whatever first can be particularly hurtful, but it’s because he’s fuelled with anger or annoyance at the time and he does realise and covertly feel bad about it later on. My mum doesn’t get annoyed or react as strongly to things but she has that kind of silent disapproval feeling. The weight of their words are so crushing sometimes and it makes it difficult for me to just be myself, without being afraid of them commenting something that’ll just make me not want to try again... idk if it is because of things like that, that I hold myself back or if it’s just lack of confidence in general too though >< They do care for me and want what’s best for me, it’s just bleh, like there is not as much freedom as there could be? I feel envious of other people who can enjoy being them self and that have parents that allow them that freedom and accept their choices unconditionally, aw >^<

I’ve never talked about my feelings with them and neither have they disclosed their own (but maybe this is the same way they were brought up?). Their displays of affection towards each other are so slight, and to me are there but kind of restricted... I don’t want to keep comparing them to other parents unconsciously but it just feels like they aren’t quite as affectionate as I wish they were, or as I’ve seen to be the norm. Normal... normal doesn’t exist right? Or it’s not the same for everything... everyone... .__. My parents take care of me and my living needs, we eat together at least once a day and have some small mostly pleasant conversations, occasionally we go shopping together but we don’t exactly spend much free time with each other (or at least not as much as in the past) even though we live in the same house. I’ve been trying quite hard since a while back to get my family to participate in some little activities like playing board games or watching tv together but it only worked very few times and the effort I have to go through is very tiresome as they are always so reluctant (also talking to my dad is really difficult because I suck at speaking my second language and can never get what I’m trying to say across coherently). But they also have things they want to do, and I respect that, it’s just that some of these things could easily be done together, but they aren’t. I thought back to my childhood and couldn’t remember ever having played together with my parents then, I mean I’m sure they did occasionally maybe but it doesn’t seem to have been significant enough to remember, which saddens me. They seemed to be working a majority of the time back then up until now, so my sister was the one that always played with me and stuff.

I’m writing like my parents totally ignore me but that’s not the case, idk how to phrase things well orz they are generally warm people but idk there’s just this feeling of disconnect and awkwardness. It doesn’t help at all that there’s a slight language barrier between me and my dad either, but I am trying my best :< I think my family doesn’t have much time together, because like I mentioned before my parents work so much, they try so hard because they have to look after me and my sister (though she also works, supports them back, has a secondary home and can take care of herself now). They put so much effort in what they do, they always want the best for those around them, the suggestions I put forward to make things easier for them are quite easily rejected though probably because they prefer to do things the way they’re used to. “How are you going to live/look after yourself when we’re not here anymore?” It really hurts hearing this, it just proves how useless and dependent I am, but neither of them allow me to do stuff around the house nor have they set aside time to teach me stuff :< I am constantly reminded that time is going so quickly, it’s both been mentioned and observed that my parents are getting older (I noticed that this is one of their worries, though they never talk about it to me, at least not directly), I know they can’t support me forever... and I don’t want it to be this way, life hurts and I can’t help but feel powerless. The thing is I am very aware of everything, and there isn’t a moment when I look at them that I don’t worry for them, I don’t want for them to have to work so hard, I want to be able to get a job, I want to be independent and I want to be there for them. It’s all so difficult... I feel like even though I’m trying, it’s much too slow, it not enough... But I have to just keep pressing on... I... can do something... :c

About my sister, even we find each other annoying so often, and even though many of the things she also had said spurred the most darkest feelings in me, I am really grateful that she is here. Lately I felt we were kind of growing a bit distant too because she has so much adult responsibilities to tend to and I just sit here like a lost child, I feel like a burden and don’t want her to have to think she has to look after me forever either. I’m also still very wary around her (because she does judge me quite easily all the time too) but she listens to my worries when I do finally get the courage to say them and the most recent time she was very kind about it. I think she is as close to a ‘safe person’ as I could have, she's been helping me quite a lot lately and though she doesn’t fully understand the extent of how I am affected, she could still relate to some of the things I felt which felt somewhat relieving. Being able to confide in each other about feelings and other general stuff again like we used to is definitely something very valuable, reassuring and that I’m thankful of.

I feel so silly for being too sensitive and getting angered or hurt whenever people say things to me, but I never want this feeling escalate into resentment or straight up blaming. Everyone has problems of their own and/or things in the past that may have affected them and made them behave how they do. Things aren’t always intentional, and people can genuinely be unaware of how their words and actions can affect others or the extent of such. It’s all about communication and understanding and sadly, this is one of the biggest pieces of puzzle missing in my life, but maybe I can find it again and put it in place soon with a little help.

Words are so impacting, they can wound so deeply but they can also be so powerfully uplifting, I have to fill my life with the ones that bring positive change, try harder to do the things that really matter and learn to appreciate myself, others and life more. Don’t look back, don’t back down, don’t give up...!! It’s hard now but I can get through it, I have to believe in myself more!

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