#Like I am aware I am not unattractive but I am also friends with people that decidedly make me look comparatively bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

makeyoumine69 · 5 months

Note

Hi, I’m so sorry if this is an inconvenience, but I thought you’d be able to help me with something because you’re Patrick’s favorite 🥰🥰

So… okay. Very weird situation I’m in, but. like. I have always loved self shipping. Especially with villains. I have always thought of myself as the “exception” where they could be horrible to everyone, but be kind to me, if I were a character in their show or movie or book. But then I spent all of 2022 and 2023 being abused, I have now been convinced that love comes with conditions, and it’s affected my self shipping too. even though I have escaped my abusive situation, the damage still lingers. I’ve been trying very hard for to heal from what happened to me, yet self shipping is still something very difficult for me to do now, when it used to be the easiest thing in the world. Even with non-villains, I still think I am unable to receive kindness unless it is in the form of violence.

Well, I watched American Psycho a few days ago, and I really fell for Pat. Like. Really fell for him, for some godforsaken reason lol?? And for a few days, I genuinely felt good with him, I felt safe, like he couldn’t harm me. I felt like the exception. This was my first time feeling genuinely good while self shipping again. I thought he’d never hurt me simply because he likes me enough to want me to feel loved and safe with him. That he could be horribly violent to everyone in the world, but with me it’d be so different. I spent all of yesterday feeling so proud of the progress I am making in my healing and genuinely feeling so loved and happy. Imagining him giving me flowers, admiring the star clips in my hair, liking my freckles and counting them. Fluffy romantic stuff haha. I have even thought of him protecting me, him knowing my past of being hurt, him being so overwhelmed with rage on my behalf and vowing to never make me feel scared like other people did. I have thought of him as a… very violent guard dog boyfriend 😂

But fast forward to this morning, I am talking to one of my friends who is also into self shipping, about to announce my exciting news that I am finally on the path to healing, that I feel really good drawing myself and writing myself with a very sick, twisted, violent murderous villain, and maybe that means I can feel good with other characters someday too. But my friend said very casually about how Patrick is shallow and a misogynist, which… yes, he is, I am aware 😭 and they kept going on about how he’d never love a girl who isn’t super thin and Hollywood attractive. And it felt like a punch to the guts. I realized I would never ever be attractive to Pat. I feel. disgusting. I feel… like the exact opposite of everything he’d desire, now that my friend had made me think about it: I’m not thin, I’m very chubby with a round stomach, I have freckles, glasses, I don’t even have nice nails because I bite them, and my teeth aren’t white because a side effect of my antidepressant yellows them a bit — I am just. feeling too unattractive to Bateman. Not to say that any of these traits are unattractive, I just feel like… *Pat* wouldn’t like them, wouldn’t like ME specifically. Having a combination of all of these makes me feel… Undesirable to him. Not the exception anymore. And that kills me. I feel so hurt and heartbroken. It was the first time in a year that I was finally started to feel good self shipping again ;-; and now I cannot bring myself to indulge any romantic ideas with him anymore. I feel very stupid for allowing myself to have feelings.

Days ago, I went into his tag to look at photos of him, and found your blog, and remembered you seem to write for him, so you’d know him better than anyone else. I know it’s highly unrealistic for him to like me, but could you tell me how he’d maybe find someone like me attractive, even if I’m not conventionally attractive? It doesn’t have to be a drabble or a fic at all, I’m just asking for uh, reassurance, I suppose. I’m so sorry to come to you and bother you with this but I have been crying about it all day and I thought I’d ask for your perspective on the matter :’) anyway, I’m so sorry, if you don’t want to reply, please don’t worry about it. thank you very much for your time. I hope you have a good New Years and please take care 💙💙💙

Hello my dear anon! 💕 First of all, I want to thank you for putting so much effort into writing this - I can relate to all of this because most of my irl friends call me crazy when I say that Patrick Bateman is my comfort character, and it really sucks. It took me a long time to realize that the most important thing is not someone else's opinion, but how your crush makes you feel. In my darkest days, Patrick was my savior, and I would never trade that feeling of comfort for someone else's opinion. And I'm not a model either, but I will tell you this - Patrick's taste in dates and his obsession with being perfect in everything was driven by the society he lived in. Only God knows what his real preferences in dates were. Remember, he seems to only love blondes, but his ex-girlfriend Bethany was a brunette and, in my opinion, she contributed a lot to his self-destruction and loss of sanity. So, my point is pretty simple - you may think your imperfections are bad, but to another person they could be the rarest of diamonds, because we are who we are, some people are just afraid to show their true selves. Patrick is exactly that kind of person. Speaking of writing - you can come into my DM, and I'd be happy to talk to you about anything! Please don't cry! I'm eager to do whatever I can to help you!

#this ask made me cry #answered asks #asks are always welcome

10 notes · View notes

guilbautedsookeh · 24 days

Text

My self-esteem is taking a hit

While I was walking home, I saw an AFAM with an F na F Filipina with him. They were hugging and just holding hands while walking. That brought me back to the recent events of being in Poblacion, seeing girls like these being with visually stunning AFAMs. Whether they're just helping them through the night or are working to escape poverty, that I can only speculate.

Honestly, this shit is really driving me to a self-esteem nadir. Here I am, a successful, intelligent, determined, self-reliant, independent, empowered, well-educated, well-read, and worldly woman (inside), BEING LEFT OUT IN THE SHELF. While these motherfucking slags are selling like hotcakes? What do they have that I don't? They're not physically beautiful, they're troubled, they're embroiled in psychoactive substance use, they're fake, they're lagging behind in terms of making sensible conversations-- AND STILL THEY'RE LIKE THE SHIT! What do they have that I don't have, when people tell me I am everything (PEOPLE say that, not me)

Introspecting on this, maybe it's my fault.

It's my fault that I am very honest about myself. I don't hide nothing. I am consistent with everything I say. I don't inflate shit. I show the real me. If I am at my least confident, it shows. If I am confident, I don't hold back showing it. Maybe I'm too real.

Maybe it's also my fault that I invested in my brain. Why would an AFAM invest in a woman (inside) who is just gonna talk to him for hours about history and stuff. Of course he wants a quick FUCK because that's what he was taught-- that a brown woman is nothing but a sex toy and a white woman will always be the wife THEY ARE ENTITLED TO. Why would an AFAM invest in a successful woman (inside) who won't cling to him and be subservient to him?

Maybe it's also my fault that I allowed myself to grow up in an environment full of successful people. It's my fault that I grew up seeing REAL SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE. People who really went from nothing to becoming pillars in their fields. Maybe it's my fault that I had good role models of dignity and integrity. An AFAM won't like that because they can't fuck dignity and integrity in the back!

Maybe it's my fault that I don't lick anybody's ass. I am so wrong with treating people with respect and equality. I am so wrong that I show reverence and professionalism instead of kissing their asses and being sweet to them to soothe their own unfulfilled sexual frustrations. Maybe it's my fault that I treat people equally, and they see that as a sign of a woman who's nothing but trouble. They see that as a woman who is exactly the type they are running away from so they come to the Philippines and get anyone who'd be quick to open their legs for a free trip. Maybe it's my fault I know my self-worth because they can't blind me.

Yes, it is completely my fault that I am a woman (inside) who has integrity, dignity, professionalism, success, intelligence, and self-awareness. Oh my gosh I am so bad throwing shade at these people and being blind to my privilege! Oh my gosh I am so diabolical that I am boasting about my good qualities SHHHHHHH nobody likes it when you do it Franz but for everyone else it's okay.

I guess it's my fault I choose integrity than comfort 90% of the time. My, I really should start being a liar and parasite to succeed in getting an AFAM. I guess being a high-earning, successful professional is so unattractive! Having the confidence to squeeze people out of money is the key to success!!

Haaay Franz, nobody loves you because you love yourself too much. Nobody loves you because you have values and principles. Nobody loves you because you are the fruit in the top branch. No one can reach you.

I should really start treating myself like trash, fucking strangers in Pobla, getting drunk, opening my butt for free alcohol and trips, lying to people, swindling, defrauding my friends. Only then will I be loved.

Pardon the slut shaming. Of course I always will be fucking wrong!

I just want to feel valued. I just want to feel that I mean something.

#mental health #rant post #personal rant #depressing shit #depressed #anger #low self worth

1 note · View note

keefwho · 11 months

Text

June 30 - 2023 Friday

7:18 AM

I had a dream where I was someone else spending time with someone that had multiple romantic interests. I knew this but still thought we had something going on and was hurt when one of the other interests showed up and I had to control myself.

The dream felt like it was exercising my feelings of being a side bitch even though I don’t have something like that actually going on. What does give me this feeling is how deep down I don’t feel prioritized because other people always have their main friends or friends that they can go to physically. It fundamentally feels like I am always only a side option. I don’t have IRL friends currently so my virtual ones mean the world to me. They are literally everything. I don’t think I get that sentiment back.

I’m also catching myself being pitiful this morning, or on the brink of it. I am so very aware of how I get a weird kick out of being pathetic and getting occasional hits of re-assurance. I am aware of how if I don’t catch myself, I’ll start self sabotaging and crafting situations where I need that reassurance and if I don’t get it, I’ll only get worse. It’s literally like when I child wants attention so they will cry but then if they don’t get attention, they might act up and start breaking things. Its the EXACT same. I currently don’t know what I can do to stop these feelings if I even should, but I know I can avoid the crutch. Just like with an alcoholic craving a drink, I crave reassurance. I can choose whether to “drink” or not, even if I can’t stop the cravings. I can choose to deny myself the rush I get when someone finally tells me I’m good enough or that they like me. I can catch the ways I self sabotage myself and just stop or direct my attention elsewhere.

I’ve been in the position before where I feel strong and independent and the love I share is genuine and on equal terms. Having been there proves to me that it is possible to achieve. What I described above is one of the things that directly undermines the healthy mindset I seek. It puts me beneath others because I have a developed affinity for seeing myself as lesser. I can’t not admit that I like the feeling. It feels GOOD. But I know it feels GREAT to truly stand on my own and see myself in the same playing field as others. Feeling lesser and pitiful is lonely, I inherently push others away by portraying myself like I’m unworthy. Its a form of isolation. Maybe that’s how I manifest my fear of opening up and being vulnerable. Maybe it all comes down to that.

8:52 AM

I think I enjoy pity so much because sometimes it feels like the only way I can accept affection on account of my own low self worth. Like it’s impossible for me to believe sometimes that I could be loved and appreciated for just being me so I have to rely on being lesser and pitied.

9:27 AM

Now I have to question if my desire for commitment is coming from a genuine place or not. I want to know someone is committed to being mine but am I being healthy about it or am I using that to validate myself? I do know it’s something I want in a healthy way and it’s something that is expected I feel like. Letting your friend/partner know that you’re always there is a good thing and something I know I need. I just gotta make sure I don’t take it too far.

2:37 PM

FUCK I really want to vent to someone right now but I got nobody. I hate having to deal with shit on my own sometimes. I’m breaking down just when I thought i had it together like usual. Just give me a fucking break please.

3:11 PM

There I go farming pity again. Not this time.

10:10 PM

What is wrong with me uggghghhhhhh Needing so much reassurance is so unattractive I just want to feel stable I guess

I’m tired of feeling lonely and left out, like I’ll be abandoned as soon as they find someone better. I don’t want to feel like the option that they are settling for.

The fact is I am alone tonight. I’m not involved in anything anyone else is doing. I’m stuck in my room by myself. The world is passing me by.

How could I ever think anyone would be crazy about me, what is there to be crazy about? Fucking idiot

0 notes

ser-ket · 1 year

Text

I've been feeling really fucked up about gender for a long while now

I've been teetering on this line

where I want to lean into being pretty and deeply consider stopping T

but then I'm like, NO I love my body and my face the way they are Right Now!!!

And even though I feel like I don't pass all that well, for some reason I DO and I don't understand how others can see me that way but also I Like that I pass

But then I catch my reflection in a car or a window or look at myself in a bathroom mirror and I H A T E what I see and I feel sick to my stomach

And I'm overwhelmed by this feeling that I'm unattractive to women, or maybe the kind of women I want to attract, or that I'm invisible to them, and I want them to see me so badly (just queer women, and i want them to see me as butch, an identity I've never previously identified with?)

and I feel stifled in my presentation, like I can't wear certain things or wear my hair the way I want at work, bc everyone thinks I'm a dude and I don't want anyone to be Weird about it (esp bc I work with a bunch of mostly conservative boomer cis men)

I don't care, outside of work, what I wear or how strangers gender me, or what pronouns someone uses for me or whatever. It's just different when I have to see and interact with these people every day.

And then I go home at the end of the day and look in the mirror, and I'm like,

BLown away by how attractive I am? and how I would look SO NICE with MORE facial hair????? And then think about UPping my dose?

I swear the mirrors at home work different

Anyway, the solution here is to just Be Pretty and keep taking T bc I'm happy with my body and it would be cool if I could grow a (good) beard someday

And then I feel stupid for ruminating about it bc literally every time I have felt messed up about my gender and get depressed and think about it too hard I COME BACK TO THE SAME EXACT CONCLUSION I'VE BEEN COMING TO FOR THE LAST 10+ YEARS and I SWear to god this happens at least once a week and YOU'D THINK THAT I WOULD LEARN but I literally Cannot stop these moods with Logic

And like, this is all so fucking stupid bc I'm already Aware that I'm currently androgynous enough that it literally just comes down to: If I shaved, and how I wear my hair.

That's literally it.

Tested and proved.

This is all so fucking dumb.

I look at all the people I run into during a day, and like, there is Barely Any Difference between males and females. Males just grow hair on their faces and have oversized clits. That's it. How did society end up like this? Why did it spread so far and become so pervasive even in countries that rejected abrahamic religion and had no prior concept of binary gender?

And I think a huge part of my insecurities just stem from like, not spending irl time with my queer friends.

I'm 90% sure these moods are just triggered by me not liking my forehead, just to make it all stupider.

lmao HELp

0 notes

theaustinrockwell · 1 year

Text

Whipped Cream and a Cherry on a Pile of Shit

As I try to get to the bottom of why men in the 7-10 range will date me but women either ignore me or latch on to me then push me away, I am discovering a few central themes on what I am doing wrong.

I have stated before that I worked on every area of my life, so that I was at least average or excellent in all of them (except for my student loans, which would be comical if THAT were THE thing to cause every single one of my dating problems). I have my own apartment, I'm college educated, am patient and kind, have worked at prestigious companies, have a motorcycle, etc.

Here's the problem: my lack of masculinity.

"Lack of masculinity? Wow, bro. Hot take. Groundbreaking." However, it's not the "lack of masculinity" in simple terms. I'm not trying to be a reductionist caveman. If it were so simple, then the solution would to just "be more macho." But that is not a satisfying answer for any of us. I am talking about becoming aware of the specific ways that masculinity is missing in my life and seeing why these holes are caused by fear and naivete.

When I date men, there is a certain drive about a masculine man that is magnetic. I also become well acquainted with having hundreds of men up my ass (not literally) message bombing me and how much of a turn off them getting emotional is. That has taught me how poorly I come off when I direct that same emotionality towards women.

When I'm doing MMA, I wimp out there too. Everybody else submits me and I tap a lot. It's like I'm barely even trying. While I am always working on the techniques and have gotten complimented since I started how great my focus on technique is, I still get beaten up most of the time. I don't win. I don't bring a winner's mentality to the gym. I am afraid and I'm hesitant to compete with other men. But when I see men who refuse to compete with other men, do I find that attractive myself? No. There are other guys at the gym who are technique focused, but they aren't that competitive. Or they're competitive at the gym, but life is submitting them and they show no drive outside of MMA. Super unattractive. That makes them see two dimensional and not masculine. To turn that perspective back on myself, I can see how I come off as unattractive. I am stifling my competitive drive. Why would a woman want to date a man without a competitive drive? So life can shit on us both? Nope. My job is to compete and pave the way for both of us.

When I think of the times that girls came on to me and I got timid and didn't make a move, I see why they then pushed me away explosively. I've slept with girls (literally cuddled the whole night and did nothing else) or took them out on the motorcycle until 3am when their boyfriends were at home, and DIDN'T make a DAMN move, even though looking back they made their own moves--I get why they chose other dudes over me or aggressively told me to fuck off. Between the vulnerability they felt in making a move and the societal pressures women face to not be too "slutty", once I appeared to not reciprocate physically (even though I wanted to but was too chickenshit), they hardcore ghosted me or flayed me alive and character assassinated me to the rest of our friend group. For them to go out on a limb and then not feel desired = "Well, FUCK Austin then. I never liked him. I never said, 'I love you.' He is disgusting." I get it. I get where my bitching out has hurt the people I've dated. My lack of masculinity in this area is unattractive. Women hate it. My fear of being called a creep leads me to do nothing sexual towards women, which in turn gets me called a creep, just for different reasons.

You know, when I show interest in a dude and he doesn't make a move, I wonder if he even likes me. Does he desire me? If we get into a relationship, will he make me feel attractive? If I were in a woman's shoes, I'd be asking, "Is he gay?" Of course, the answer for the dudes I date is, "Duh, they are gay." But the lack of physical attraction that I display towards women just does not feel good to them. Once again, my fear of overdoing it and being a creep leads me to act impotent and make girls feel like crap in a different way. When I picture a guy who is afraid to show sexual desire towards me, I imagine a hollow kind of man. Asexual people exist, but it's the fear that these guys have, the wanting to and yet stifling themselves. I have the same problem.

So why does this lack of masculinity hold me back and why was I unaware of it for so long? Going back to my laundry list of reasons why people "should" love me (career, apartment, whatever the fuck), I had all of these "things" that were embellishments upon my personality. I had a bunch of boxes checked, all of the ones that society said I should have checked as a man. It was a resume of material things and social signifiers. I would get mad for doing and having all of these things people said that they wanted in a man and yet still being alone. And again, it wasn't that I had fatal physical flaws. Women who were hot and ambitious and cool would latch on to me really quickly sometimes and make moves toward me. The attraction was there. What was missing was my masculinity, my fucking backbone. I treated all these boxes that I checked and things that I had like having them would allow me to be a meek little bitch, be afraid to live life, and be overly emotional. So either women would see that lack of masculinity straight away and go, "Gross." Or they would be aware that I'm an engineer and artist with a good sense of humor, see THAT as attractive, but then after repeated interactions, see how poor my confidence was and then lose attraction. The most explosive girl situations, come to think of it, were the ones in which I put up an uber masculine front at first (not stoic and silent, but a charismatic "fuck you" attitude), then I would unearth my softer side very quickly (along with being physically timid when the girls made moves on me), and the girls would cast me away, vote me off the damn island. Underneath the thin masculine facade, I was pretty weak and unsure of myself. I constantly sought reassurance. It was fucking pathetic. I thought by doing everything society asked me to do as a mature man that I was this wonderful delicious cake and that everybody was being so stupid for passing me by. I would rage over it. Everybody says they want a nice cake and how much they love icing and whipped cream on top. I have the best whipped cream. Why does nobody choose me? I now realize that all of these extra things I had were just superficial signals. I thought I had a real cake, but I was too focused on the whipped cream. Good whipped cream does not make up for a shitcake. My personality was shit because my core and my confidence were shit.

Most importantly, this is not me deciding to be someone other than myself. I'm not saying, "I am inherently not masculine in these areas and need to change myself to be loved." What I am saying is that I personally see the value in masculinity since I appreciate it myself when I see it in another man and that it's just a fact that the version of me that has a backbone and is not afraid is the better version of me. People reject the version of me that does not have a backbone, women especially.

I have more work to do on figuring out how masculinity and having a backbone plays out in my life, but it seems like the way to go. That is what is missing and what is causing people to push me away romantically and physically. I've been on both sides of this, and I get it. My big fear is that I'm going to fuck up by being too masculine and then be cancelled in 20 years, but thinking anybody gives enough of a fuck to cancel me is it's own form of narcissism. That's a conversation for a different time.

Don't focus on the whipped cream. Focus on being a good cake.

0 notes

antixs · 1 year

Text

Long time, no see

This is a rant btw. I feel so negative and angry towards myself and others. I feel like everyone hates me aka my coworkers who are like my only friends. I had this big goal of moving to Utah and working as a ski bum and I am here doing just that and now what??? I feel stuck and there's nothing else to look forward to. I'm terribly sick and I am convinced my emotional health is making it worse. I need emotional support and I feel I am lacking it. I moved away from all my support systems and completely isolated myself. The universe keeps throwing me challenges one after the other. I feel like I am not handling them well and I can't seem to get a grip. I am trying so hard to take care of myself. I was doing so much better alone in a hotel room. I feel like I haven't found my people and they are judging me. I stand out and I’m kinda over it. I came here so grateful and kind and I have lost it in the process. I have turned into a miserable, emotional, pity party. Who would want to be surrounded by that? I know I wouldn't. I love myself but I am lacking self love. I thought I found it but I think I am just faking it or I lost it somewhere along the way. I need people, I’ll admit it. I need people who accept me and love me. People who are like me and relate to me. People who will tell me as it is and stand up to me. I think I am getting sicker cause I am scared to go back to work and face these people. I seem desperate and clingy and needy. That is unattractive and I know that. But when everyone around me has people and I feel so alone how can I not cling to everyone. I am currently sleeping in a 10 year olds bedroom in a mormon house lol I am so grateful she opened her doors for me. But this isn't what I was expecting and this journey is harder than I anticipated. I cannot seem to stop the negative self talk and it is eating me alive. I do not know how to fix my situation. I do not have a place of my own. I do not have people to rely on. I know I need to just work on myself but that shit is hard. I am such a people pleaser and I want to be liked and adored so bad. I think isolating myself with new people for my birthday really hurt. Especially when people don’t respond to my texts. I feel like I pour so much love out to everyone and it isn’t returned but why should it be lol. I should be pouring that love into myself. I think I want to be loved and validated so bad I will do anything at this point, and that is sooo desperate. At least I am self aware lol. I never envisioned my 23 birthday to be laying in bed sick with no one (but luckily my one friend Val who is amazing) responding. I feel hurt and genuinely sad. I try to be such a nice person and considerate to others feelings and I feel like people dont take my feelings into consideration. Maybe this is me just continuing to be a pity party but I am hurt and I do not know how to cope. I figured journaling my thoughts would bring me some closure and maybe it did. I don’t know where to turn. I just want to be cared for and I do not know how to ask for that. I wish I could be independent actually and not just fling myself across the states on a whim just to feel alone and miserable lol. Hopefully this release of emotions will set me free. I am also angry...soooo angry. Angry at everyone around me and myself. I love myself but I wish others loved me too. Why do I crave the love and validation of others so much?? Is it because for the first time I am alone entirely. Yes I have made friends but they are so fresh and new. I feel like I am just unloading my emotional baggage on them and I do not know how to just STFU. I wish I could stop oversharing and talking all the time. Maybe that's a gift but I can sense I am driving the people around me away from me. Maybe I am not and this is all in my head. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are busy and dealing with their own shit. They don’t have time to think about Emily and her stupid little emotions. This is the ADHD taking over. I am all over the place and I never know when to hold my damn tongue. This is turning into self hatred but at least I am getting it out. I want to be better, be more positive, be more productive, be more free. What is freedom. The option of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. The best piece of advice I got was for every action you take, there is a consequence whether that be positive or negative, I just have to accept the consequences for my actions. I high key am clinging onto this dude who prob isn't even worth it but he offered me the tiniest bit of nurturing and I needed that so bad. Someone who is looking after me and checking in on me and wants to help me. That is so hot. I feel like I fucked things up, but whatever if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. But fuck I want it to be so bad. I can't stand being alone and I just want a romantic interest. I do not feel independent. Okay actually I am just putting myself down. I am fully capable of taking care of myself, of meeting all my own needs, of loving and validating myself, and I will attract the right people this way. I am radiating love and light and independence. People will be attracted to me and the right people will find their way into my life. I am worthy of love and respect and I will only accept those who return the same energy. I am an amazing person who is incredibly strong and independent. Bitch you packed up all ur shit on ur own and moved to a new state to start a new job ALONE. You should be incredibly proud of yourself and celebrate this win. Everyone else I met came here with another person. I am the only one I know who came here completely alone. THAT IS FUCKING BRAVE, if you ask me. I am a brave woman who isn’t afraid to take risks and that needs to be celebrated. I am so strong and I can do anything I put my mind to. I can perceiver through anything. I am just hitting a rough patch and I know things are going to get better. I have a positive outlook on the future and I have the courage and strength to change my situation. I am not in control, I am just rolling with what the universe throws at me. I can tackle anything anyone throws my way. I no longer need to depend on others, such as my parents or Alex, for anything. I am fully capable as a 23 year old woman of taking care of it myself. I am housed. I am fed. I am financially secure. I am alive. I have an amazing job. I have amazing coworkers. I am profoundly lucky for this opportunity and I am incredibly grateful for it. There are people who are jealous and dream of what I am doing, but I made it happen for myself. I will learn to love myself. I will learn to love being alone. I will learn to enjoy my own company. I will learn to hold my tongue and share things only with those who I feel comfortable with and at the right time. I will channel my energy in productive ways. I will work on my anger in a healthy way. I will take care of myself. I will nurture the body I was given and cherish the opportunity I have here on Earth. I will grow and transform. I will be the person I dream of. I am everything I need. I have all the tools in my possession and I will start using them. I love myself and I am grateful for all the universe and God has provided for me. Thank you to everyone in my life. Thank you to Mother Earth. Thank you to my friends and family. Thank you for my job. Thank you for freedom!!!

0 notes

findingmydiary · 1 year

Text

Let's talk about freedom shall we? It's different from what we talk about usually. Actually, let's talk about love. But parental love. Familial love. Those who don't wanna bone you but maybe do it out of a sense of responsibility? A sense of... What's that word. I'll do to you as you'll do to me.

I doubt that's how it works. Regardless of whether I am autistic, it's definitely true that I have difficulty. Processing emotions? Processing how others treat me and why? Either way, maybe this post is for my parents and grandparents.

They love me. Not in 'their own twisted way' but in a way that I cant understand or navigate and presents me as a twisted person. I am sure they believe their love is orthodox. Maybe it even is. Society's Lens and mine differ so much that I cant confidently claim to understand what it sees.

Perhaps I am a twisted person, slowly trying to untwist. But some things aren't meant to be twisted. And some things, can't be twisted back.

I know what works. At least works for me. I keep my distance. Sometimes when I don't, for my other relationships, I lose them. If I trust them as I would have them trust me, If I confide in them or express myself as I would have them to me, it quickly implodes. I understand it would come off as creepy to people you don't know. But even people you do, stay wary.

But distance is not something familial relations understand. And somehow they believe they can be everywhere, and when I keep my distance they take offense.

So what is this? A list of observations, reflections and conclusions. What's missing however, is a list of recommendations.

How to treat your family? How to treat a new friend? How to treat an old friend?

I am sure it differs. Person to person. Relationship to relationship. But I like rules. Guidesets.

One of the problems with these rulesets to navigate the world is, lacking specificity, of course, but also, it extrapolates from existing relationships.

It doesn't help you form new ones.

It'll tell me how to keep my friends, not how to make them better closer friends.

It won't tell me how to flirt, how to make new friends, how to let go of existing relationships.

It doesn't tell me how to repair something that I have broken, either through insensitivity, or neglect. Or perhaps plain overburdening.

I am aware that you can think. That you can hypothesise a hundred reasons for an effect. And it is also true that you can absolutely cripple yourself when you think about why people who matter to you don't treat you a certain way. It can be how you would or do treat them. Or it can be something that you'll take as malice.

I have a bad cold. Did this affect my fellow trekkers? Undoubtedly. They must have lost sleep and time. They must have cursed you thoroughly when woken up. Old and new friends alike would resent you. It is of course, also highly unattractive, and perhaps every proximity, every touch was followed by an unseen grimace and sanitiser.

Perhaps they spoke behind your back, made plans, separated from you.

Furthermore, they might never consider you for a future visit, may tell their friends about your banality, and oh a hundred other things.

It all stems from a bad cold.

I also wasn't dressed properly, didn't groom my hair, and was me. I could probably pull out stories similar in their length, depth and exposition for each of them, further casting me and my esteem to the abyss.

At some point my solution was to just accept it. Let them judge and love despite it. Live despite it.

Problem with that is, i can't love if i don't value what they think of me, because then I don't value what they think and I don't value them.

Perhaps I can live in the abyss. But I have lived here for far too long. My nails may bleed sometimes and I may stop to heal a scraped knee, but I shall crawl up inch by inch. I may not reach the top even when I die, but surely, it's an abyss, there isn't much else to do is there?

Sometimes I wonder which way is up.

0 notes

farheensheth-blog · 2 years

Text

Social Media: A curse or a blessing?

Nowadays, it is difficult for a normal person to cope in this difficult world. Social media has given us the idea that life can be perfect which is a big false. These lives we see are mostly based on a lie or pretentious. Social media plays a huge role in our lives as every single thing around us revolves around it! Whether you go to a restaurant or click a picture, you want to put everything on your social media platform, and then what? The competition begins! I want to get these many likes, why didn’t I get the comments? I want my profile to look like that blogger. These are the things our average teenager is busy doing. When they don’t get the results they want, it leads to insecurities, self-doubting, jealousy, etc. They start thinking that maybe I am not good enough, maybe I have some kind of fault, maybe I am ugly that my post is not getting noticed! This leads to low self-confidence and a lack of self-love.

I am not saying social media is completely bad, but…

According to a survey, many social media users feel they are ugly and unattractive. It makes them feel lower than others. The big lavish lifestyles they see their favorite influencers living, make them want to have that, too. This leads to jealousy and then some people start faking themselves on social media by showing their lives as something else than what it actually is in real life! It is sad, isn’t it? Faking your whole identity? But this is the bitter truth that these social media sites are affecting people’s lives to the level of losing one’s identity! Some people become abusers out of jealousy because they can’t have what the other person has! They start looking for faults and troll the other ones because of the insecurities they started having by watching the luxuries or the good looks of the other person. For me, it is a dangerous thing as it takes away your mental sanity! Especially people between 14 to 25 are affected a lot as these are the ages when a person is vulnerable and growing.

Parenting plays a huge part in this!

Parents are the first persons their children look up to. They need to keep an eye on their children and make them understand the traits of social media. That their self-worth is not based on some likes or comments. They should make a one-on-one bond with their children so that they feel free to talk about whatever they are feeling. Be your child’s best friend! Your child should feel loved. Show them that you have always got their backs. If your child is spending most of the time on social media, set a schedule or a time limit for them. Introduce them to the real world! Do some activities together. Be around them, play games, go on trips, go on dinners, etc.

Sometimes parenting becomes tough as both the mother and the father are working parents. It gets difficult to spend time with the family. In such times, parents should make their children understand their situation by talking to them. The most important thing is your child should not feel lonely and it is in your hands to manage your work and your family time! Boost their self-esteem and appreciate them. See the things in which they are good. These are the ways you can make your children self-confident and social media life won’t affect them. They will understand that there is a life beyond it and the bloggers who show that life is perfect, also have difficulties in their lives.

Using Social Media within a limit is better.

Self-control is a thing that is the most important! With it, you can get away with a lot of things and one of them is social media usage. Setting a limit for yourself is a must! It is important for your mental health. If we know when to stop and where to start, we can achieve a lot in life. It is called self-awareness and I think everyone needs to be self-aware in order to prevent extremism in everything. Be it social media or anything else. If you are aware of what you are writing can hurt someone’s feelings, you won’t write it. This is called self-control and awareness.

No one is perfect! But we can be better and improve ourselves and that is what counts! I hope for better days when we live real lives instead of the lives in front of the computer or mobile screens.

#social media #parenting #jealousy #insecurity #life #life quotes

1 note · View note

julyarchives · 3 years

Text

Watch Me || (M)

→ A/n: Hui x Female Reader x Shinwon

→ Genre: Smut

→ Words: 2.8K

→ Contains: implied poly relationship; open relationship; threesome sort of; blowjob; consensual voyeurism.

→ A/n: Better late than never, here it is this 🥵🥵🥵 story heheh. Special thanks to the anon who requested it! We hope you all like it <3

It wasn't a secret that you had a crush on Hui. In fact, everyone knew this a long time ago. So when you started dating Shinwon everyone was completely shocked. Even Hui.

Before anything happened between you and Shinwon you made sure to tell him that having a crush didn't mean having feelings for someone. Hui was nice and hot, you wanted to hook up with him one day but that meant nothing when it came to loving someone and Shinwon was the one who actually stole your heart. He too was nice and hot but something about him made your insides twist and butterflies go crazy in your stomach.

Thankfully Shinwon got it, he understood that loving someone didn't make everyone else ugly and unattractive and that he too had a crush on someone else and just like you he'd hook up with them if he could. You both laughed about it and jokingly agreed on only hooking up with your crushes if the other was present. Shinwon had a blast whenever you met with his long-time friends since Hui was one of them. He'd keep teasing you even if it was for your ears only.

Hui was thrown back when you started dating Shinwon because he too knew about your crush, even if he didn't do anything about it. He wasn't a close friend but he thought you were nice and pretty as he told you once. So when he saw you with your boyfriend he was always slightly confused.

You weren't always with the boys so when you showed up it was always special. Tonight was no different. Everyone gathered to have a pre-party and get wasted before going out, so you wouldn't need to pay an absurd amount for drinks at bars. You decided to not drink that much and Shinwon followed you, only casually accepting one or two shots.

Needless to say, a couple of hours later and everyone was already pretty drunk and caught up on their own shit. You and Shinwon were lost in your little bubble. Your boyfriend was looking especially hot tonight, probably had taken his time dressing up to go out, but you just wanted to rip that pretty shirt off of him. The alcohol probably had something to do with the urge to just grab him and kiss him with all you got.

You were still in public, though probably no one was sparing a glance at you two, so you just made out lazily on the couch. The thing is that when you two start kissing, you always can’t stop yourself. Shinwon was a good kisser, and you couldn’t get enough of him. The kiss started getting hungrier, your hands messed around his hair when his’ hooked around your hips and pulled you up to straddle him. Normally, you would be embarrassed by a hot make-out session in public, but for some reason it made you feel sexier, arousal already pooling in your panties with the idea of being watched.

Shinwon himself seemed to be showing you off, grabbing your ass and slightly lifting your shirt to explore the skin on your back. He trailed wet kisses along your jaw up to your ear, nibbling the lobe and getting a breathy moan out of you. You felt his grin, knowing he was very well aware that he hit your sweet spot.

“Looks like your crush is watching us, baby” he whispered for you to hear, giggling secretly.

You turned your head just enough to see Hui on your peripheral vision, smirking at you two;

“Don’t worry, I bet he is too drunk to remember anything in half an hour like everyone else is.” you answered, biting your lip.

“I’m sober enough to hear you two, and please don’t stop because of me” you were interrupted, heart racing as soon as Hui’s voice hit your ears. His grin grew wider.

“Give him a show, baby girl” Shinwon hummed lowly and pulled you closer.

You involuntarily grinded your hips when he tightened his grip and were pleased to feel his semi-hard through the thin fabric of your shorts. He tugged on your hair, exposing your neck to him, and took his time sucking on the skin, and you were sure you would regret letting him mark you, the trouble of covering that for work on Monday would be a pain in the ass, but right now it felt too good for you to care. It was also hard to keep yourself from letting noises fall from your lips, as every touch of his sent shivers through your whole body, but you tried your hardest to make sure he was the only one to hear it.

When his lips found yours’ again, his hand went down to your ass, guiding you to grind on him again, the friction giving you some relief and this time the moan that escaped you was loud enough that you were sure Hui, who had his eyes glued on you all the time, heard it.

Shinwon noticed it too, and a chuckle vibrated on his throat.

“Look at him, just can’t help himself seeing how hot you are and how good I make you feel” he said to you.

And then you saw what he was talking about. Hui was palming the barely-visible-but-still-there tent on his jeans, eyeing up and down and biting his lips.

It took you by surprise when Shinwon took you off of him and got up, holding your hand and guiding you to the bedroom. Part of you felt a very small pinch of disappointment, wanting to show yourself off to the man you crushed. But your boyfriend was full of surprises, and one of them was when he stopped on his tracks, and looked back at Hui, enunciating:

“I’m not going to ask you twice to come with us.”

Hui lifted one eyebrow, pleasantly surprised at the proposal, but didn’t waste any time following you two.

Shinwon didn’t bother closing the door, throwing you on the bed as soon as you entered the room, making you yelp in surprise. He climbed up in between your legs, attacking your lips with determination. Your legs instinctively crossed around his hips, making him grind, and you took pleasure in the friction.

You only remembered Hui when you heard a small gasp leave him, who was watching you two while leaned against the now-closed door.

Shinwon climbed off of you and commanded you to sit in a bossy tone that had you squirming in anticipation.

“Come here, baby” he said, monitoring for you to get closer. He tugged the waistband of your shorts “you know what to do with these.”

You got up and, facing Hui, shimmied out of your bottoms, leaving the lacy underwear on. You watched his eyes travel down your body with lust as Shinwon, standing behind you, pulled your shirt off. You felt his naked torso pressed against your back while he kissed your shoulder.

His hand cupped your breasts over the bra and you didn’t miss the way Hui’s breath quickened. You closed your eyes to enjoy Shinwon’s touches, feeling like you could melt under his palms.

“kneel down for me” he whispered.

You turned around and followed his instructions as he sat on the edge of the bed, supporting himself with his hand behind him. You kneeled in between his legs and grazed your nails on his abdomen before undoing the button and unzipping his jeans. You took it off of him along the underwear, his cock springing free and bouncing against his stomach, fully hard this time.

You licked your palm, your eyes locked on his, and grabbed his member, jerking it teasingly slow, giving small licks to the tip.

“Look how hard I already am for you, baby, I don’t think we have time for teasing.” he caressed your head, taking the opportunity to hold your hair into a make-do ponytail.

“In a hurry?” you chuckled.

A hiss left his lips instead of an answer and you sucked the tip of his dick in your mouth, swirling your tongue around it and already tasting the leaking pre-cum. You knew alcohol made people hornier and therefore they lasted less than usual, so you quit the teasing before it was too much and lowered your head, trying to fit the most of his length inside.

You hollow your cheeks and sucked, your hand moving close to the base where you couldn't fit in your mouth. Shinwon moaned wantonly and warned you about not lasting longer. You'd chuckle if you could, knowing your boyfriend all too well. Bobbing your head up and down, falling into an easy rhythm, your own breath sped up at the feeling of his dick twitching inside of your mouth, your tongue tracing his veins.

The room was hot, three different labored breaths mixed together made you feel even wetter. Knowing Hui was watching you sucking Shinwon off made you moan around his dick. You couldn't see Hui but heard his intake of breath whenever Shinwon moaned a bit too needy, so you knew he was watching intently.

Shinwon came without warning, his seed sliding down your throat making you almost choke. Your boyfriend didn't relent, hips moving with your head, moaning softly at how you swallowed every drop. He was watching you closely through heavy eyes and you were loving it. Soon enough he came back from his high and you opened your mouth, showing him how you truly swallowed and he groaned.

"I think Hui is a bit neglected, baby". Shinwon spoke and you froze. "Go show him some attention".

Shinwon was spent, laying back on the bed but still watching you closely. You turned your head and stared at Hui. He was a mess, heavy breathing and palming his bulge. Upon being put on a spotlight, Hui only walked into the room, still slightly open, and stood next to Shinwon, on the side of the bed. You followed his movements and only stopped a foot away from him.

"Hi", you said, giggling like a girl with a crush, which, well, you did.

"Hey you", he said right back, hands quickly finding your waist.

"You're too clothed for her, Hui", Shinwon said from the bed and you chuckled, watching your boyfriend move on the bed to watch you two.

Hui laughed and moved to take his shirt off. You took the opportunity to get his pants open and down on the floor. After that you both moved quickly, not quite knowing who reached first but kissing hard and desperate, tongues fighting for dominance. Hui's hands expertly opened your bra and you took it off, enjoying the feeling of his hands on your breasts.

You laid on the bed on your own accord and Hui followed, breaking the kiss only to position you and himself better, laying next to Shinwon, your head close to his hand. Hui took his underwear before moving on top of you and you almost pouted. You wanted to actually see him and touch him but the alcohol and the dim lights made it all too difficult.

It was all a bit too hazy and tipsy, your bodies moving together while you kissed, his dick leaving a wet patch on your panties even though they were already soaked. It was too overwhelming and Shinwon touched your head gently, caressing the top of it before whispering something to Hui who broke the kiss to nod and take your panties off.

"Let him take care of you, babe", Shinwon spoke to you when you looked from Hui to him.

Hui stopped to touch your folds, fingers moving easily because of how slick you were. Rubbing your clit fast, Hui moved on top of you and kissed you once more. You were enjoying it too much to notice Hui aligning his dick to your entrance. When you felt it moving inside, you only felt pleasure, you were too wet and Shinwon's gentle caress on your head was keeping you grounded, just as Hui's kiss was.

When he was fully inside, he didn't waste any time and moved, a bit too sloppy for what you thought but it was perfect. You knew it was the alcohol and your body reacted in the same way, sloppily following his rhythm until both of you found a good one and it became perfect. You moved in sync with Hui and only pulled him closer, hands crawling his sides and back.

You were moaning loudly and freely, the feeling of finally having someone you were so attracted to was too much, the alcohol and Shinwon right next to you only adding fuel to the fire. Shinwon chuckled and Hui followed, a silent conversation going on above you. Suddenly you felt Shinwon moving and soon enough two of his fingers were in your open mouth. Your immediate reaction was to close your mouth around the digits and suck.

"Ah, that's it. You're being too loud, babe". Shinwon spoke and you groaned around his fingers. "Keep sucking them like that and I'll have you on your knees for me again".

You moaned as much as you could, his words making your belly heat up even more. Looking at Hui, you put on a show of sucking Shinwon's fingers as much as you could. You were still a bit loud and Hui only whispered "fuck, Shinwon, do it right", before you could barely move your mouth. Shinwon was still keeping his fingers inside your mouth but now he was pressing your tongue down, successfully quieting any loud noise you could make.

"Tsk, I tried to be nice, babe. You made me look soft in front of Hui. Can't have that".

You groaned but the sound died on Shinwon's fingers, making you groan even more, clenching at how hot this whole thing was. You were thrown to the edge when on top of all that, you watched Hui bite his lips while staring at your mouth.

"Wish I was the one doing that", Hui spoke between heavy breaths, "I bet your mouth feels so good sucking me".

It was all it took for you to explode, white lights flashing behind your eyelids and you held Hui closer than before, body trembling beneath him. Your mouth closed around Shinwon's fingers, your moans turning into gibberish and you even a bit of drool escaping because of the make-do gag.

Hui fucked you through your orgasm, moaning as his own high approached. His voice asking Shinwon to not let go of your mouth made your orgasm last more or even come back after seconds, you weren't sure. You just knew that you felt absurdly exposed and you loved it. Hui came minutes after that, emptying himself inside of you and you made a grunting noise at the feeling, not quite having the strength to moan anymore.

Hui got out of you and sat on his heels as Shinwon helped you move to snuggle him and make space for Hui to lay next to you.

"That was something else", Shinwon was the first one to say.

"Hm, it was", Hui answered, still out of breath.

"Yeah, it definitely was", you laughed, sitting up after getting seconds of rest.

"Thanks for being so cool with all this, dude", Hui said to Shinwon and he only nodded.

"In fact, this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for our trust, you know. So as long as you don't break any boundaries, we're fine", Shinwon spoke and held you closer.

"I get it. I truly do", Hui watched you and you fought back the urge to kiss him. "It is really nice, what you two have".

"Honestly, it's amazing. If it wasn't for our communication, friendship, and trust, I think Shinwon would have given up on me already", you answered, giving your boyfriend an affectionate kiss.

"I would never", Shinwon made a theatrical move of outrage and you and Hui laughed. "Nah, it's fine. Y/N had the hots for you since forever".

"Oh I know. Just never thought of hitting on her because it was clear you were into her".

"Come on, guys. Love and attraction aren't always together, you know?", you chimed in and they chuckled.

"That's obvious now to me", Hui spoke and gave a quick kiss on the forehead. "I still wanna go to the party tho, will you guys come?".

"If everyone is up, sure", Shinwon shrugged.

"Maybe we can go the three of us…?", you asked.

Hui and Shinwon watched you for a few seconds and you got a bit scared of crossing a line you shouldn't have until Shinwon kissed you on the lips and got up, holding his hand out to you. You took it as Hui got up on his own and suddenly you felt very warm.

"As friends, right?" Shinwon asked, but you could see clearly his playful manners and you laughed.

"As my boyfriend and his friend!", you answered and Hui walked past you with his clothes in hand.

"I'm clearly the boyfriend now", he said.

The three of you laughed as Shinwon ran after him in a small room, butt naked and you sat back on the bed to watch the scene roll. Having Shinwon as a boyfriend meant always getting a pleasant surprise.

#ksmutclub #hui #shinwon #smut #vouyeurism #pentagon hui #pentagon imagine #pentagon shinwon #pentagon scenarios #kpop pentagon #pentagon #pentagon imagines #pentagon fanfic #pentagon smut #hui smut #shinwon smut #ko shinwon #lee hwitaek #lee hoetaek

78 notes · View notes

silvermoon424 · 2 years

Note

I gave up dealing with people like those. When Im told "Youve gotten more fat", yes I'm fat in general. And by gave up I meant, if I start to argue with them not to tell me that, I know they are gonna pull "I care abt ur health" card. Shut the f up, ik you dont. And not just that. I am aware that it's not healthy and i am aware I'm fat, so why are you telling me this?? I don't need it. I see how much you care for my health, when you don't even care how I feel in the first place.

I only accept criticism of my weight from 3 types of people: my family, my doctors, and my friends. Because at least I know they probably do give a shit about my health and they actually know me. Anyone else though? Nah, fuck off. You don't actually care about my health, you just hate that I'm fat.

That being said, even from family and friends I don't accept fatshaming and fatphobia. I'm absolutely not one of those people who thinks that fatshaming works or is acceptable.

It just really bothers me in general that fatness is treated so much worse than other health problems. Like yeah, it is in the control of the person in most cases, but why does that give people an excuse to be so cruel to fat people? It's 100% because they just find fat people unattractive.

Also, I love the slippery slope fallacy shit that these people pull when they claim that fat people "glorify obesity" by demanding respect. Because apparently only thin people deserve common decency.

#fatphobia

12 notes · View notes

ratsoh-writes · 2 years

Note

This is my first match up, here we go.

Personality: I am a female who is an ISTP. I'm quiet, but not shy. I just talk when I need to talk. I usually like to listen to conversations because I enjoy listening to what others have to say. I would rather work alone with everything that I do, but when I have to work in groups, I make do, even though I loathe it. I'm more friendlier with close friends though. When people are happy around me, that makes me happy, too, even when I've had a bad day. I have a few close friends, and they know my crazy side. I'm more open to people that I know, also more daring when with family and close friends. I'm more comfortable around them, so I feel safe in a way, to do what I want. I'm more down to do something crazy and bizarre with a friend than with a stranger/acquaintance that I don't know. I'm still a little quiet with my friends but reveal more of my interests and humor to them bc I know they won't judge me. I'm aware (and scared) of what people might think of me, and that contributes to how I treat strangers, with basic politeness, no personal stuff. Close friends had to chase me, when they wanted to be friends with me. My friends said that I had an intimidating aura when I first met them, so I'll add that too. I like to laugh and make jokes. I'm horribly at doing pranks, but I love it when people prank me! People usually don't expect me to like dirty jokes, but I do, and think they're hilarious! I might get a little irritated when someone does something to me or someone else that I don't like, but it takes a lot to get me mad. I'm usually a calm person just certain specific things make me raving mad and it's honestly pretty rare to see me mad. I love to stay indoors, and only go out for friends and family. I'm not a fan of going out to meet new people that much, unless I'm with someone that I know at a party or whatnot. I am touch starved, so I like to hug and cuddle my close friends whenever they want, but I just don't cuddle just anybody. I'm not gonna touch ya if I don't know ya.

Hobbies, things I enjoy: I know how to cook, and I like to try out baking recipes! I'm a musician, and I like to compose songs in my spare time. I play the double bass, so I do play a lot of jazz.🎶 I sing a few old timey jazz songs, so my friends like to joke and say that I have an "old soul", which I won't argue with them on. I am also a part of an orchestra where I live, so I play my double bass there as well. What brings me a lot of happiness is when I am able to feed a bunch of people and have them enjoy my food. That's brings a sense of accomplishment and joy to me. I also like to try new foods and I also like to eat a lot of food! I like to read as well, mostly Shakespeare and Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories, which contributes to my friends saying that I have an "old soul" lol. The British Baking Show is a show that I love bc I learn a lot, and I also love to watch Disney movies and musicals. I have memorized a lot of soundtracks bc of this.

Other little hobbies: Like to make silly songs about my friends and family, and like to knit, which ALSO contributes to me having an "old soul".

Pet peeves: I hate when people disregard other people interests, and think their hobbies are more important than others. When people underestimate me or others because of how they look. Simply, I don't like it when people "judge a book by its cover" with anything, with food, an activity, a person. Just try it! You might like it! When people don't even try to clean their room or house for company. To me, its like they don't care, and a lack of respect.

Little pet peeves: When people leave the microwave door open, spicy food, molasses, beans, neon yellow, and pickles.

Deal breakers: I can't be with someone who puts people down to bring themselves up. It's very unattractive to me, and also people who insult their friends and family, so that they can look "cool" and "respected". Huge red flag and deal breaker. Someone who can't give me space and privacy when I want it. Even in a relationship, I think it's healthy to spend some time apart as well, not being together 24/7. I need my alone time to charge up.

Things in life I value the most: Loyalty, honesty, and communication. I am loyal to anyone that I am close too, even if they are dead wrong. I will be their supporter til the end. When something is on my mind and bothering me, I like to bring it up quick so that's there's no confusion later. And I think honesty is important bc without trust with anything or anyone, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to bc I wouldn't trust them to not stab me in the back later. And I think that if I fully trust a person, that is the first step in having an interest bc I know that I will be safe with that person.

Physical description: I am 5'3 and I am a black female. I have dark brown, almost black hair. My skin color is light brown and I don't really have many preferences. Mostly, I just look for someone who cares about their hygiene, and how they treat others.

-🎧

Lovely matchup request! You’re great at describing yourself! It made my job easy ;)

I match you with…..

Slim! (Mafiaswap papyrus)

What attracts him to you is that you don’t pressure him. Slim feels like he can relax around you without having to worry about being dragged into chaos. But you’re also adventurous enough to welcome a little bit of variety in life. You’re very balanced and he likes that

He’s a very private person and prefers low key dates over big extravagant ones or ones that require lots of dating. You two would have a pretty casual relationship.

Slim has a super dirty sense of humor, but his soft voice means most people don’t catch it. As the person who’s usually closest to him, you’ll find yourself snorting at his whispered comments all the time, then having to explain yourself to the others

Unfortunately, the electronic set up that is his room has a lot of neon colors including yellow. He’s willing to switch to blue or purple for you though. True love right there ❤️

#matchups

10 notes · View notes

mariacallous · 3 years

Text

What’s Up, Doc? would be Madeline’s feature film debut and her first collaboration with Bogdanovich. That she didn’t audition for the role, but won it instead as herself, proved an exceptionally ill omen.

Eunice was “my great good fortune, and sort of a blow to my spirit,” Madeline said in 1989. “I knew that Eunice was as far removed from my essence as she could be - as opposed to what Streisand got to do, which was to play herself. And her first role [Fanny Brice in Funny Girl (1968)] encompassed many wonderful features - comedy, singing, adorableness. So she was always perceived that way. And here I am the ugly stepsister, which was absolutely not true! So then, what do I do? Continue to be the ugly stepsister to everyone - Cybill Shepherd, Tatum O’Neal, and everyone else in the entire world?”

“Ugly” is a key word. Eunice isn’t supposed to be pretty. In the screwball paradigm, it’s the woman who chases the man, and in What’s Up, Doc? O’Neal is the object of desire. Bogdanovich and his production team heighten the contrast by making Eunice as unattractive as her fiancé is tanned and tempting. Her wig was bad enough, but her costumes gave her still zaftig figure barely any shape at all. And while the world hadn’t yet learned to apply the word “beautiful” to Streisand’s distinctive features, in the film as in life, she gets the man (O’Neal had dated Streisand just before shooting began). Now Madeline grew concerned that she really was unattractive and that people were laughing at her. Every night, she called her brother “Is this really how people see me?” she would ask, in tears. She wound up in therapy.

Funny women are often insecure about personal appearance, Martin Charnin says. “They never think they’re pretty, until they learn that part of what makes them attractive is that they’re funny.” Madeline hadn’t reached that point of understanding. What made her attractive, so far as she could see, was her best behavior, her carefully polished exterior. In her personal life, propriety (one of Eunice’s pet words) had been her first defense. Comedy was a way to make a living, and always before, she’d looked pretty when she did it. Now she looked awful, and the cast and crew - and, later, audiences - reacted uproariously.

Charlie Rose once asked Madeline whether she thought she was “naturally funny”. “I’m very smart,” she replied. “I’m very understanding. I’m serious...I always see sort of the tragedy beneath what’s funny. And that’s only important to me. Then that tells me how to make something work, or I think it’s what makes something work, beneath it all. The gravity. And I also am funny. I can see the humor.” Yet until the end of her career - on the set of Judy Berlin in 1997 - Madeline still expressed surprise when she got a laugh. As her friend David Marshall Grant observes, her quest for the “gravity” of a character enhanced her comedy, because she took ridiculous situations so seriously. But that same empathy sometimes blinded her to the reality that the character herself might be ridiculous, as Eunice is. In private, Madeline had a great sense of humor and loved to laugh, but as an actor she remained “someone who said things funny, not someone who said funny things,” as Lily Tomlin describes her.

“Why are they laughing?” Where Eunice Burns is concerned, Madeline also wondered: Are they laughing because that’s what they really think of me? Bogdanovich, who found Madeline perfectly attractive and who knew little if anything about the fathers who left when she was ugly, didn’t detect the anxiety underlying the question. He did become increasingly aware that “She didn’t like the way she looked in our pictures.” Her unhappiness would become a bigger problem for him with each successive film.

Madeline Kahn: Being The Music - A Life by William V. Madison

#madeline kahn

13 notes · View notes

zanguntsu · 3 years

Text

attractiveness and morality - or how people think with their metaphorical dicks instead of their brains

people are fucking horny over the villain characters in bleach, i mean specifically the male ones because as we know the female villains are nonexistent lol. but it’s not hard to see how attractive the male characters are even though i just refuse to acknowledge men unless i have too.

however, there is an issue with how we perceive the characters based on how attractive they actually are, more along the lines of how people will excuse any offensive behavior based on physical attractiveness

the convicts oops i mean examples

there are a few examples i can name like popular male villains that people lose their shit over.

aizen is the big one, where despite the crimes he has committed, such as emotional manipulation, attempting to wipe out a whole town, murders, and hollowfying his colleagues and getting away with it. yet, he is sympathized, especially over Tousen who tends to be more villainized by the fandom or at least held in a less favorable regard.

Gin is in the same boat, with the emotional manipulation and general emotional harm inflicted on multiple people but is sympathizes because uwu he loves rangiku even though he did cause her harm, simply because he betrayed her and hurt her friends and colleagues.

Ulquiorra is another very notable one, since he also has that whole manipulation thing although not as blatant as aizen. he did kidnap a minor and abuse her (isolating her, threatens her and her friends, and it is used to control her/keep her in captivity).

Grimmjow is another example, and its especially notable because he’s just very very violent. And he never apologizes or feels remorse for it, despite generally terrorizing Ichigo and co.

Nn*itra is especially reprehensible, he is overtly sexist, as most of his violent acts are targeted at women and uh. actively saying he hates women. creepy (implied sexual) behavior towards a minor as well.

Szayel as well, he has no regard for his minions, and then theres whatever he did to nemu what the fuck that was so fucked what the fuck.

notably, these men are also wildly popular among the fandom. they will have the most fanart, most discussion, most fics i guess.

why do horny fucks sympathize with them

people empathize with people they see as attractive, and i mean conventional attractiveness. note how none of this empathy extends to people who do not fall in the category as attractive (often pale side eyes) hunk/twink. does zommari get that attention? yammy? why are they not held to the same standard as say szayel/gin or grimmjow. yammy is also angry and prone to violence, much like grimmjow.

what sets them apart is that they are not deemed sexually attractive so therefore, their flaws become easier to ignore and they arent sympathized as much. of course, kubo probably did inadvertently create this problem, seeing as theres a discrepancy in creating a complex character. another example of this is the comparison between byakuya and omaeda. of course, they are obviously different characters, byakuya has more development and screentime. however they are similar in that they are wealthy, in high positions of power, and look down on people they deem inferior for a variety of reasons. byakuya, however, is conventionally attractive and also has screentime. that being said there is an underlying issue of fatphobia as well in reducing omaeda to a comic relief character.

people empathize with attractive people or at least favor them. “People more strongly desire to form or maintain bonds with physically attractive partners relative to unattractive partners—an attractiveness-based affiliation effect (Path B). In turn, through projection, attractive partners are perceived to possess attributes that are compatible with these goals, which largely center on their reciprocation of interest in establishing or maintaining close relationships (Path C).” this is indicated by the halo effect, “the tendency for positive impressions of a person, company, brand or product in one area to positively influence one's opinion or feelings in other areas“ which also applies to beauty and how attractiveness impacts how one recognizes a person. for example, an attractive person will often be associated with positive traits such as compassion, intelligence, and other desirable traits. it could be things like how appearing well groomed heightens others perception of you, how you will appear responsible and capable.

and this does extend to the villains. aizen is viewed as a tragic villain who fights for injustice or something like that. gin is a tragic antihero i think that did everything for his true love tm. ulquiorra is a tragic villain who does not understand love. grimmjow is grimmjow. nn*itra is somehow tragic with an inferiority complex lmao take that fucking L bug boyyy loser. and szayel... exists. see how fanon interprets these characters despite none of them having any remorse for what they have done. the fandom leaps to provide a justification or rational for their actions no matter how abhorrent they are. yammy and zommari are still held as villains, yet they are not sympathized with in the slightest nor are beloved to that extent. compare the sexualization of these men and the amount of sympathy garnered from the fandom.

why this matters

its no secret that in online spaces especially, offenders are romanticized or at least sympathized. take the true crime community for example, in which case male serial killers were romanticized despite the atrocities they have committed. and this is linked to the “bad boy” trope that is prevalent in romance novels, where a troubled or dangerous man seems like a desirable partner despite stalking their love interest among other crimes. of course, this also gets a bad rep from wattpad ya books and just ya books in general.

there are examples of this trope. i have vaguely alluded to edward from twilight. there is also the cause of that white guy from 50 shades of gray, which is most known for romanticizing abuse but the audience cannot help but be allured by his white guyness or something/ there is the netflix film “you” where a man stalks a women but it is seen as romantic and people find themselves attracted to joe despite his violence. literally this type of behavior:

there’s ted bundy film and how people raved about how hot he was despite him being an absolute monster and having real victims whos family have to live with the fact that people find their family member’s killer hot. it is this in its absolute extreme, where people are fully aware of their crimes but still find sympathy or attraction towards a criminal. in this case it is the gradual romanticization of violence that may creep up. i cannot assuredly claim that there is a strong correlation between finding villains attractive and romanticizing violence but there can be some indication of this.

and this view of how attractiveness can bleed into criminal court. of course, there are other factors such as gender, sexuality, age of judges and the inherent corruption within the legal system. here is a list of studies about this topic because christ i am not copy and pasting all of that go read it yourself. but the main takeway is that in mock jurors and other public opinion, the more attractive defendants accused of crimes have less severe sentences or even less sentences (however this is not seen as frequently in judges). it shows that there is a level of sympathy, leniency, or more compassion towards attractive people.

Conclusion

the point being made here is that attractiveness affects how one sees a person. yes, it is possible to find villains attractive, however the bias of physical attractiveness and actual character can potentially be dangerous if left unchecked. this is not exactly a call to action or a psa because a) i am fully aware that this fandom is horny to the point of brainrot and that it is incurable and b) this is just an analysis on behavior in the fandom. and i am aware that the studies are cishet in nature and are not indicative of the fandom as a whole seeing as there are a fair amount of lgbt people in this fandom. that being said, my point still stands.

#hi everyone its me blaze zanguntsu back at it again with a whole essay #ramble tag #dare i tag this in the bleach tag #bleach #i am going to invite so much discourse onto my blog with this wont i

62 notes · View notes

absurdthirst · 3 years

Note

This is a random ask, but I wanted to get this out there and figured this might be good to do so.

I’m 26 years old, and I have never dated anyone. And it’s not for lack of wanting to; it just seems like no one is ever interested. I can count on one hand the list of “dates” I’ve been on. I’m extremely social, have a lot of hobbies, and have a lot of friends. While I admit I can be a bit awkward or a bit much at times, I’m generally well-liked. I also consider myself to be fairly intelligent amd people have described me as “effervescent” and “kind.” But it feels like I have a “Do Not Date” neon sign flashing over my head. I’m someone that people love to be friends with but anything more than that seems to be out of the question.

I know I’m certainly not a supermodel and am on the curvy side but I don’t think I’m unattractive either. But after all of this time, I feel like there’s something wrong with me that I’m not aware of and it just continues to chip away at any self-confidence that I have. 😞

I am so sorry sweetie! I know that can be extremely difficult on your self esteem!

Have you asked your friends, even those that you have an interest in for information on what could possibly be the reason? It might be a good place to start. There might be some little thing that signifies that you are interested that you don't even realize that you are doing.

14 notes · View notes

pretty-setter-bois · 4 years

Text

slow dancing in the dark

request; none! just me indulging in self-induced fantasies (listen to the album while reading, save the song for last) ღ

summary; you’ve been day-dreaming about this moment since middle school, and he flies out in your first year of college to make it true.

word count; 1994™

warnings; swearing, someone almost falls off the roof.

OIKAWA TOORU. MANY know him as the previous setter for aoba johsai’s volleyball team, the handsome captain with a fanclub (wherever he goes), or even the grand king. you know him as your up-to-no-good, determined, and impulsive best friend.

the one you’ve been in love with on-and-off since middle school, that is. iwaizumi is the last to figure it out, but scolds you for it the most.

how can you not fall in love with those beautiful brown eyes? especially when they’ve come all the way to tokyo, and currently reside on the rooftop of your dorm, over a smug smile.

your groceries slip, and you almost slip trying to catch them. your first instinct is to scold him, yell at him because he might slip, or that he’ll injure his knee.

how’d he even get there in the first place? how’d you even get there in the first place? let’s back track a little, shall we?

“(Y/N),” YOUR ROOMATE, kiyoko calls. “we don’t have any food in the fridge. it’s your turn to go grocery shopping.”

“i’ll go tomorrow, i promise!” you answer, being too engrossed in your music to even think about doing anything else. “can’t you see i’m working?”

“you said that yesterday." kiyoko deadpans. "besides, you’re just listening to ‘BALLADS 1′ on repeat. go buy the groceries.”

“you’re too cruel, yoko-chan.” you grumble, pausing the music you’ve been annoying kiyoko with.

you walk into your room — well, shared room, considering the dorms consist of one bedroom each — and change. you decide to second guess your outfit, knowing there was no one you’ll want to impress in the middle of the night at the grocery store.

you grab your phone and wallet, slipping your device into the pocket of your pants and yelling one last annoying phrase to kiyoko before closing the door, knowing she’ll lock it after you.

the two of you live on the second floor dorms, so the walk to the exit was much longer than it was from the first floor. it only took a few steps away from the stairs before you hear a buzz from your phone.

kiyoko (❁´◡`❁)

8:57 PM

Eggs, toast, milk, cucumbers, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, rice.

8:58 PM

is that all?

kiyoko (❁´◡`❁)

8:58 PM

No, just all I can remember off the top of my head.

8:58 PM

don’t tell me there’s more-

kiyoko (❁´◡`❁)

8:59

Start capitalizing your words and I’ll tell you.

8:59 PM

but capitals arent pretty!

kiyoko (❁´◡`❁)

8:59 PM

Aren’t*

Aren’t you an English major? Why do you still type like this?

9:00 PM

do you want groceries?

kiyoko (❁´◡`❁)

9:00 PM

Do you want to kicked out? I can tell the headmaster who has actually paid rent for last month...

9:00 PM

No ma’am, I apologize for breathing your air.

kiyoko (❁´◡`❁)

9:01 PM

as you should.

you chuckle at the irony, tucking your phone back into your pants as you assume that kiyoko would send you the rest of the list after checking the contents of your mostly-empty kitchen.

you pick out the groceries she sent you, and sure enough, get another list, which you also buy. you stand in the checkout lane, scanning and paying for all of your items.

you can’t help but notice the air around you get chilly, but that doesn’t matter. you’re almost home, where kiyoko has promised a warm dinner with the ingredients you bought.

you turn around the corner, navigating the ever-long rows and columns of dormitories of your university. once you find yours, your grip loosens on the bags.

oikawa tooru. many know him as the previous setter for aoba johsai’s volleyball team, the handsome captain with a fanclub (wherever he goes), or even the grand king. you know him as the dumbass, standing on the rooftop of your dorm, “yahoo, (Y/N)-chan!”

“WHAT THE HELL?” you ask, though it was more like a question for yourself.

“you’re going to get cold in that t-shirt, (Y/N)-chan!” he answers, his teeth shining through his smile.

maybe you should have dressed to impress, instead of going out looking like you've just rolled out of bed.

“what are you doing here?” you ask, long forgetting the groceries set on the floor. “aren’t you supposed to be in argentina?”

“ah, we got an early vacation.”

“in the middle of fall? you just arrived, like, two months ago.”

“yeah.”

“how long have you been in japan?”

“since this morning.”

“aren’t you tired?”

“no, not much.”

that wasn’t a lie. the adrenaline in oikawa’s veins was more than enough to keep him awake.

“why are you on the roof?”

“so that i could look for you.”

“how’d you even get up?”

“i climbed the balconies.”

“do you know how to get down?”

“um...”

“dumbass...” you facepalm, before climbing the balconies to make your way up to him. “you’re the stupidest person i know, you know?”

he gives out his hand to help pull you up.

“but you love me, (Y/N)-chan!”

“sadly...” you mumble. “you can’t even last two months without me or iwaizumi keeping you in check.”

“take a seat.” he says, patting the spot on the roof next to him.

“just so you know, my roommate is still awake, so if i fall, she’ll avenge me.”

“i’m well aware.” he chuckles, his side profile glistening in the moonlight. “are you cold?”

“no.” you lie, teeth clattering and arms frozen to the touch.

he wordlessly takes off his jacket, draping it over your arms. “i have a hoodie on underneath.” you nod.

“so, why’d the grand king come to visit me of all people?” you giggle, to let him know you were joking.

“i missed you.” he says, his playful tone no more.

“you met up with iwaizumi this morning, right?” you clear your throat, trying to diminish any hope of the love you held for him being reciprocated.

“yeah, but just for a bit. i came to japan because i wanted to talk to you.”

“about what?”

“dance with me, (Y/N)-chan.”

you’re confused, scared of falling off the roof, and freezing.

“okay.”

he stands, moving higher up for a smaller chance of falling off. he extends his arm to you, the look of plain serendipity on his face. you grasp his fingers in yours, feeling them hoist you up close to him.

since the dorms only consist of two floors each, the rooftops were mostly flat, making it easier to maneuver on them.

you could faintly hear the music you’d been listening to before you’d left your flat. you could’ve sworn you’d turned it off.

“i didn’t know they taught slow dancing in argentina.” your voice was low, and he only hears it because he was that close.

“you’d be surprised.” he chuckles, continuing to dance with you.

you forgot about the jacket on your shoulders until it almost falls off, being whisked away by the light breeze of the night.

you catch it, and oikawa catches you.

the jacket hangs off of your hand loosely as your grasp on it tightens. oikawa’s grasp around your own wrist tightens, as he pulls you close to his chest.

an arm around your head, the other around your back, he says, “i love you, (Y/N)-chan.”

you turn to face him, heart pounding in your chest as your mind swells with disappointment.

i wasn’t going to get my hopes up.

“i know, tooru.”

“no,” he holds you tighter. “you don’t.”

you try to look up at his face, but his hold stays strong.

“just let me have this, yeah?”

you nod, staying silent.

“it’s not the type of love i have for iwaizumi, and hopefully not the type of love you have for iwaizumi.” he cards his fingers through your hair. “i think about you all the time, about how it’d be like to hold you. to see your smile everyday. to know you’d be there for me, and i’d be there for you.”

“but i am?” you look up at him.

his face is a mix of something melancholic and something hopeful.

“i think about how it’s be like to call you mine.”

you don’t say anything, instead trying to stop the overflowing tears that pool in the corners if your eyes.

“you can’t just say that!”

he stays quiet, his grip on your biceps staying firm. you were sobbing.

“y-you can’t just come t-to tokyo, a-all the way fr-from argentina, to t-tell me that you love me!”

you look at him. you can’t help but think your tears make you unattractive, but that doesn't matter to him.

“not after all these years...” you sniffle. “this better not be one of your stupid jokes, shittykawa!” you point a finger at his chest and continue to poke. “i’ve been in love with your dumbass since fucking middle school, you idiot! do you know how many times i’ve day-dreamed about you saying those words to me?”

his eyes widen, looking down at your shorter figure.

“yeah, stupid! even coach irihata knew! i had to bribe kunimi and ask for kindaichi’s help to keep him quiet!”

“well, i don’t think an impulsive plane ticket could make up for that,” he says. “but let’s make up for lost time?”

you cross your arms, pouting as you look off to the side. he has to admit, you look adorable. he moves his arms up to your shoulders, wrapping them around your back.

“wh-what are you doing?” you ask.

he tackles you, laying over you as his arms move beside you. your faces were mere inches apart.

“my knee hurts from all that dancing, (Y/N)-chan.”

you know he’s lying, but you’ll be lying if you say you don’t like the proximity.

has the music always been this loud?

“this is your favourite song, isn’t it?”

you nod, your face flushed. you can’t help but sneak a small peak at his lips.

he notices. “hey, (Y/N)-chan?”

“yeah, tooru?”

“kiss me.”

“h-huh?!”

“timid as always, aren’t you?” he shakes his head as he chuckles, leaning in slowly.

you close your eyes, awaiting the contact of his lips against yours.

they were soft, almost as soft as the moon made them out to be under its reflection.

more than that — they felt so right against yours.

extra:

IT IS AROUND midnight when you get back to your dorm, the grocery bags are messy and your skin is red from the cold. kiyoko doesn’t seem to mind instead telling you to place them on the table and offers you a cup of tea.

“hey, yoko?” you ask, keeping the tea close to you as a second source of warmth.

“yeah?” she answers, taking the groceries.

“you didn’t happen to be playing ‘BALLADS 1′ while i was gone, where you?” you sip on the tea, almost downing half of it in one sip.

“i don’t recall doing so, no.” she turns to the sink to wash the rice, and you can see the smile on her face despite her attempts to hide it.

you finish the rest of your tea, hugging her from behind as you place the cup in the sink.

“well, tooru told me everything! he told me you were the one who told him where to find the dorm, and when to come. you even set me out to buy groceries just to find him on the roof. you do have a soft spot for me after all!”

she chuckles, your arms still around her. “did he tell you about how i emailed your professor for an extension on your essay?”

“you did?!” you beam at her. “what’d he say?”

“he said you have until friday, so you better spend the next few days with your boyfriend and get right back to school afterwards, okay?”

“yes ma’am!” you smile widely, dashing out the door to find a certain brown-haired setter.

NOTES ♕❣⁂ღ

going thru an oikawa phase, this just felt so right in my head bahaha-

also stan kiyoko.

#haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!!#haikyū!!#haikyuu x reader #seijoh #seijoh imagines #aoba johsai imagine #aoba johsai #oikawa tooru #tooru oikawa x reader #tooru oikawa imagine #oikawa tooru x reader

58 notes · View notes