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mostlysignssomeportents · 6 months

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The (open) web is good, actually

I'll be at the Studio City branch of the LA Public Library tonight (Monday, November 13) at 1830hPT to launch my new novel, The Lost Cause. There'll be a reading, a talk, a surprise guest (!!) and a signing, with books on sale. Tell your friends! Come on down!

The great irony of the platformization of the internet is that platforms are intermediaries, and the original promise of the internet that got so many of us excited about it was disintermediation – getting rid of the middlemen that act as gatekeepers between community members, creators and audiences, buyers and sellers, etc.

The platformized internet is ripe for rent seeking: where the platform captures an ever-larger share of the value generated by its users, making the service worst for both, while lock-in stops people from looking elsewhere. Every sector of the modern economy is less competitive, thanks to monopolistic tactics like mergers and acquisitions and predatory pricing. But with tech, the options for making things worse are infinitely divisible, thanks to the flexibility of digital systems, which means that product managers can keep subdividing the Jenga blocks they pulling out of the services we rely on. Combine platforms with monopolies with digital flexibility and you get enshittification:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/21/potemkin-ai/#hey-guys

An enshittified, platformized internet is bad for lots of reasons – it concentrates decisions about who may speak and what may be said into just a few hands; it creates a rich-get-richer dynamic that creates a new oligarchy, with all the corruption and instability that comes with elite capture; it makes life materially worse for workers, users, and communities.

But there are many other ways in which the enshitternet is worse than the old good internet. Today, I want to talk about how the enshitternet affects openness and all that entails. An open internet is one whose workings are transparent (think of "open source"), but it's also an internet founded on access – the ability to know what has gone before, to recall what has been said, and to revisit the context in which it was said.

At last week's Museum Computer Network conference, Aaron Straup Cope gave a talk on museums and technology called "Wishful Thinking – A critical discussion of 'extended reality' technologies in the cultural heritage sector" that beautifully addressed these questions of recall and revisiting:

https://www.aaronland.info/weblog/2023/11/11/therapy/#wishful

Cope is a museums technologist who's worked on lots of critical digital projects over the years, and in this talk, he addresses himself to the difference between the excitement of the galleries, libraries, archives and museums (GLAM) sector over the possibilities of the web, and why he doesn't feel the same excitement over the metaverse, and its various guises – XR, VR, MR and AR.

The biggest reason to be excited about the web was – and is – the openness of disintermediation. The internet was inspired by the end-to-end principle, the idea that the network's first duty was to transmit data from willing senders to willing receivers, as efficiently and reliably as possible. That principle made it possible for whole swathes of people to connect with one another. As Cope writes, openness "was not, and has never been, a guarantee of a receptive audience or even any audience at all." But because it was "easy and cheap enough to put something on the web," you could "leave it there long enough for others to find it."

That dynamic nurtured an environment where people could have "time to warm up to ideas." This is in sharp contrast to the social media world, where "[anything] not immediately successful or viral … was a waste of time and effort… not worth doing." The social media bias towards a river of content that can't be easily reversed is one in which the only ideas that get to spread are those the algorithm boosts.

This is an important way to understand the role of algorithms in the context of the spread of ideas – that without recall or revisiting, we just don't see stuff, including stuff that might challenge our thinking and change our minds. This is a much more materialistic and grounded way to talk about algorithms and ideas than the idea that Big Data and AI make algorithms so persuasive that they can control our minds:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/06/attention-rents/#consumer-welfare-queens

As bad as this is in the social media context, it's even worse in the context of apps, which can't be linked into, bookmarked, or archived. All of this made apps an ominous sign right from the beginning:

https://memex.craphound.com/2010/04/01/why-i-wont-buy-an-ipad-and-think-you-shouldnt-either/

Apps interact with law in precisely the way that web-pages don't. "An app is just a web-page wrapped in enough IP to make it a crime to defend yourself against corporate predation":

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/27/an-audacious-plan-to-halt-the-internets-enshittification-and-throw-it-into-reverse/

Apps are "closed" in every sense. You can't see what's on an app without installing the app and "agreeing" to its terms of service. You can't reverse-engineer an app (to add a privacy blocker, or to change how it presents information) without risking criminal and civil liability. You can't bookmark anything the app won't let you bookmark, and you can't preserve anything the app won't let you preserve.

Despite being built on the same underlying open frameworks – HTTP, HTML, etc – as the web, apps have the opposite technological viewpoint to the web. Apps' technopolitics are at war with the web's technopolitics. The web is built around recall – the ability to see things, go back to things, save things. The web has the technopolitics of a museum:

https://www.aaronland.info/weblog/2014/09/11/brand/#dconstruct

By comparison, apps have the politics of a product, and most often, that product is a rent-seeking, lock-in-hunting product that wants to take you hostage by holding something you love hostage – your data, perhaps, or your friends:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/08/facebooks-secret-war-switching-costs

When Anil Dash described "The Web We Lost" in 2012, he was describing a web with the technopolitics of a museum:

where tagging was combined with permissive licenses to make it easy for people to find and reuse each others' stuff;

where it was easy to find out who linked to you in realtime even though most of us were posting to our own sites, which they controlled;

where a link from one site to another meant one person found another person's contribution worthy;

where privacy-invasive bids to capture the web were greeted with outright hostility;

where every service that helped you post things that mattered to you was expected to make it easy for you take that data back if you changed services;

where inlining or referencing material from someone else's site meant following a technical standard, not inking a business-development deal;

https://www.anildash.com/2012/12/13/the_web_we_lost/

Ten years later, Dash's "broken tech/content culture cycle" described the web we live on now:

https://www.anildash.com/2022/02/09/the-stupid-tech-content-culture-cycle/

found your platform by promising to facilitate your users' growth;

order your technologists and designers to prioritize growth above all other factors and fire anyone who doesn't deliver;

grow without regard to the norms of your platform's users;

plaster over the growth-driven influx of abusive and vile material by assigning it to your "most marginalized, least resourced team";

deliver a half-assed moderation scheme that drives good users off the service and leaves no one behind but griefers, edgelords and trolls;

steadfastly refuse to contemplate why the marginalized users who made your platform attractive before being chased away have all left;

flail about in a panic over illegal content, do deals with large media brands, seize control over your most popular users' output;

"surface great content" by algorithmically promoting things that look like whatever's successful, guaranteeing that nothing new will take hold;

overpay your top performers for exclusivity deals, utterly neglect any pipeline for nurturing new performers;

abuse your creators the same ways that big media companies have for decades, but insist that it's different because you're a tech company;

ignore workers who warn that your product is a danger to society, dismiss them as "millennials" (defined as "anyone born after 1970 or who has a student loan")

when your platform is (inevitably) implicated in a murder, have a "town hall" overseen by a crisis communications firm;

pay the creator who inspired the murder to go exclusive on your platform;

dismiss the murder and fascist rhetoric as "growing pains";

when truly ghastly stuff happens on your platform, give your Trust and Safety team a 5% budget increase;

chase growth based on "emotionally engaging content" without specifying whether the emotions should be positive;

respond to ex-employees' call-outs with transient feelings of guilt followed by dismissals of "cancel culture":

fund your platforms' most toxic users and call it "free speech";

whenever anyone disagrees with any of your decisions, dismiss them as being "anti-free speech";

start increasing how much your platform takes out of your creators' paychecks;

force out internal dissenters, dismiss external critics as being in conspiracy with your corporate rivals;

once regulation becomes inevitable, form a cartel with the other large firms in your sector and insist that the problem is a "bad algorithm";

"claim full victim status," and quit your job, complaining about the toll that running a big platform took on your mental wellbeing.

https://pluralistic.net/2022/02/18/broken-records/#dashes

The web wasn't inevitable – indeed, it was wildly improbable. Tim Berners Lee's decision to make a new platform that was patent-free, open and transparent was a complete opposite approach to the strategy of the media companies of the day. They were building walled gardens and silos – the dialup equivalent to apps – organized as "branded communities." The way I experienced it, the web succeeded because it was so antithetical to the dominant vision for the future of the internet that the big companies couldn't even be bothered to try to kill it until it was too late.

Companies have been trying to correct that mistake ever since. After three or four attempts to replace the web with various garbage systems all called "MSN," Microsoft moved on to trying to lock the internet inside a proprietary browser. Years later, Facebook had far more success in an attempt to kill HTML with React. And of course, apps have gobbled up so much of the old, good internet.

Which brings us to Cope's views on museums and the metaverse. There's nothing intrinsically proprietary about virtual worlds and all their permutations. VRML is a quarter of a century old – just five years younger than Snow Crash:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/VRML

But the current enthusiasm for virtual worlds isn't merely a function of the interesting, cool and fun experiences you can have in them. Rather, it's a bid to kill off whatever is left of the old, good web and put everything inside a walled garden. Facebook's metaverse "is more of the same but with a technical footprint so expensive and so demanding that it all but ensures it will only be within the means of a very few companies to operate."

Facebook's VR headsets have forward-facing cameras, turning every users into a walking surveillance camera. Facebook put those cameras there for "pass through" – so they can paint the screens inside the headset with the scene around you – but "who here believes that Facebook doesn't have other motives for enabling an always-on camera capturing the world around you?"

Apple's VisionPro VR headset is "a near-perfect surveillance device," and "the only thing to save this device is the trust that Apple has marketed its brand on over the last few years." Cope notes that "a brand promise is about as fleeting a guarantee as you can get." I'll go further: Apple is already a surveillance company:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/14/luxury-surveillance/#liar-liar

The technopolitics of the metaverse are the opposite of the technopolitics of the museum – even moreso than apps. Museums that shift their scarce technology budgets to virtual worlds stand a good chance of making something no one wants to use, and that's the best case scenario. The worst case is that museums make a successful project inside a walled garden, one where recall is subject to corporate whim, and help lure their patrons away from the recall-friendly internet to the captured, intermediated metaverse.

It's true that the early web benefited from a lot of hype, just as the metaverse is enjoying today. But the similarity ends there: the metaverse is designed for enclosure, the web for openness. Recall is a historical force for "the right to assembly… access to basic literacy… a public library." The web was "an unexpected gift with the ability to change the order of things; a gift that merits being protected, preserved and promoted both internally and externally." Museums were right to jump on the web bandwagon, because of its technopolitics. The metaverse, with its very different technopolitics, is hostile to the very idea of museums.

In joining forces with metaverse companies, museums strike a Faustian bargain, "because we believe that these places are where our audiences have gone."

The GLAM sector is devoted to access, to recall, and to revisiting. Unlike the self-style free speech warriors whom Dash calls out for self-serving neglect of their communities, the GLAM sector is about preservation and access, the true heart of free expression. When a handful of giant companies organize all our discourse, the ability to be heard is contingent on pleasing the ever-shifting tastes of the algorithm. This is the problem with the idea that "freedom of speech isn't freedom of reach" – if a platform won't let people who want to hear from you see what you have to say, they are indeed compromising freedom of speech:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/12/10/e2e/#the-censors-pen

Likewise, "censorship" is not limited to "things that governments do." As Ada Palmer so wonderfully describes it in her brilliant "Why We Censor: from the Inquisition to the Internet" speech, censorship is like arsenic, with trace elements of it all around us:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMMJb3AxA0s

A community's decision to ban certain offensive conduct or words on pain of expulsion or sanction is censorship – but not to the same degree that, say, a government ban on expressing certain points of view is. However, there are many kinds of private censorship that rise to the same level as state censorship in their impact on public discourse (think of Moms For Liberty and their book-bannings).

It's not a coincidence that Palmer – a historian – would have views on censorship and free speech that intersect with Cope, a museum worker. One of the most brilliant moments in Palmer's speech is where she describes how censorship under the Inquistion was not state censorship – the Inquisition was a multinational, nongovernmental body that was often in conflict with state power.

Not all intermediaries are bad for speech or access. The "disintermediation" that excited early web boosters was about escaping from otherwise inescapable middlemen – the people who figured out how to control and charge for the things we did with one another.

When I was a kid, I loved the writing of Crad Kilodney, a short story writer who sold his own self-published books on Toronto street-corners while wearing a sign that said "VERY FAMOUS CANADIAN AUTHOR, BUY MY BOOKS" (he also had a sign that read, simply, "MARGARET ATWOOD"). Kilodney was a force of nature, who wrote, edited, typeset, printed, bound, and sold his own books:

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/arts/books/article-late-street-poet-and-publishing-scourge-crad-kilodney-left-behind-a/

But there are plenty of writers out there that I want to hear from who lack the skill or the will to do all of that. Editors, publishers, distributors, booksellers – all the intermediaries who sit between a writer and their readers – are not bad. They're good, actually. The problem isn't intermediation – it's capture.

For generations, hucksters have conned would-be writers by telling them that publishing won't buy their books because "the gatekeepers" lack the discernment to publish "quality" work. Friends of mine in publishing laughed at the idea that they would deliberately sideline a book they could figure out how to sell – that's just not how it worked.

But today, monopolized film studios are literally annihilating beloved, high-priced, commercially viable works because they are worth slightly more as tax writeoffs than they are as movies:

https://deadline.com/2023/11/coyote-vs-acme-shelved-warner-bros-discovery-writeoff-david-zaslav-1235598676/

There's four giant studios and five giant publishers. Maybe "five" is the magic number and publishing isn't concentrated enough to drop whole novels down the memory hole for a tax deduction, but even so, publishing is trying like hell to shrink to four:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/07/random-penguins/#if-you-wanted-to-get-there-i-wouldnt-start-from-here

Even as the entertainment sector is working to both literally and figuratively destroy our libraries, the cultural heritage sector is grappling with preserving these libraries, with shrinking budgets and increased legal threats:

https://blog.archive.org/2023/03/25/the-fight-continues/

I keep meeting artists of all description who have been conditioned to be suspicious of anything with the word "open" in its name. One colleague has repeatedly told me that fighting for the "open internet" is a self-defeating rhetorical move that will scare off artists who hear "open" and think "Big Tech ripoff."

But "openness" is a necessary precondition for preservation and access, which are the necessary preconditions for recall and revisiting. Here on the last, melting fragment of the open internet, as tech- and entertainment-barons are seizing control over our attention and charging rent on our ability to talk and think together, openness is our best hope of a new, good internet. T

he cultural heritage sector wants to save our creative works. The entertainment and tech industry want to delete them and take a tax writeoff.

As a working artist, I know which side I'm on.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/13/this-is-for-everyone/#revisiting

Image: Diego Delso (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Museo_Mimara,_Zagreb,_Croacia,_2014-04-20,_DD_01.JPG

CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/

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prakash-real-estate · 6 months

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Navigating the Future: The Dosti West County and Its Strategic Location Benefits

In the realm of real estate, location has always been a pivotal factor influencing property values, convenience, and the overall quality of life. For those who seek to invest in a home that offers the best of urban living, Dosti West County stands as a prime example. Situated in the thriving area of Balkum, Thane, Dosti West County is more than just a residential project; it's a doorway to a brighter future, offering a strategic location that redefines modern living.

Dosti West County and Balkum: A Match Made in Heaven

The Dosti West County project is strategically nestled in Balkum, Thane, a location known for its perfect blend of urban connectivity and natural serenity. The choice of Balkum as the project's location is not coincidental; it's a testament to the developer's vision of providing residents with a lifestyle that balances the best of both worlds.

Balkum enjoys excellent connectivity to various parts of Mumbai, making it a hotbed for real estate development. Whether you need to commute for work or want easy access to entertainment and recreational options, Dosti Balkum offers it all.

Accessibility to Essential Services

The strategic location of Dosti West County ensures that essential services are always within reach. Be it hospitals, schools, shopping centers, or restaurants, the project's proximity to these amenities simplifies daily life for its residents. This level of convenience is a significant factor that adds value to the property and enhances the quality of living.

Connectivity to Business Hubs

For professionals who need to commute for work, Dosti Balkum’s strategic location offers easy access to key business hubs. Whether you work in Mumbai's central business districts or the emerging IT parks, you'll find that Balkum's connectivity through major roadways and public transport is a massive advantage.

Green Spaces and Natural Beauty

One unique aspect of Balkum is its proximity to natural beauty. The area is surrounded by lush greenery and hills, creating a serene and picturesque backdrop for daily life. Dosti West County takes full advantage of this natural beauty, offering residents a view that's both calming and inspiring.

Investment Potential

For those looking at Dosti West County as an investment, its location in Balkum is a significant draw. The real estate market in Thane, especially in well-connected and strategic locations like Balkum, has shown consistent appreciation in property values over the years. This means that your investment not only provides you with a comfortable home but also holds the promise of good returns in the future.

Recreation and Entertainment

Dosti West County is well-placed for recreation and entertainment. The area boasts shopping centers, multiplexes, restaurants, and recreational facilities, ensuring that residents have a vibrant social life right at their doorstep. Whether you want to indulge in retail therapy or enjoy a night out with family and friends, Balkum has you covered.

A Glimpse of the Future

The strategic location of Dosti Balkum not only offers present-day conveniences but also provides a glimpse of the future. As the Thane area continues to develop and urbanize, it's evident that the property's value and potential for growth will increase. This makes Dosti West County a sound investment for those with an eye on long-term benefits.

In conclusion, Dosti West County's strategic location in Balkum, Thane, is a significant factor that elevates its desirability. The project offers a lifestyle that combines modern living with the serenity of nature. The location benefits ensure that residents not only experience a comfortable and convenient life but also secure a promising future. So, if you're looking to navigate the future with a sound investment, Dosti West County in Balkum is the path to follow.

This article is already posted on medium.com Ref: https://medium.com/@p6750995/navigating-the-future-the-dosti-west-county-and-its-strategic-location-benefits-db81a19211b7

#dosti west county #dosti balkum

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findingmyselfatm · 3 years

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This is the last post on this series, venus-chiron

Usual disclaimer: I am no professional, take what resonates.

To find out your chiron placement, go on astro.com (make an account if you don't have one) and click on Horoscopes. After that, under "Drawings & Calculations" you will find the extended chart selection. There, choose Chiron from the additional objects.

Chiron represents out deepest wounds that will never be completely healed. It also represents pain, but not necessarily unfortune. Where Chiron is, you will become wise in that area and grow into the "wounded healer" archetype. Venus represents love, romance, self-esteem and relationships. Combined, these aspects are a little hard to handle (like all Chiron aspects tbh), but they are plenty interesting.

Venus-Chiron aspects:

Venus-chiron brings pain and wounds to relationships, romance and self-esteem.

These people can have trauma coming from their relationships with others (Unpleasant experiences keep happening)

They might think a lot about what others think of them

And they might tweak their personality because of that

I believe people with venus-chiron can feel inadequate for their friends/partners/social circle

They are more likely to be criticized by others regarding their social status

Issues with self-esteem are huge here- even softer aspects, but the free therapy firstly goes to harsh aspects lmao

They might romanticize pain as a coping mechanism

They can also escape or distract themselves with pretty or positive things (not always bad, only if they neglect their trauma)

Venus-Chiron can also make someone like the idea of bettering a partner/friend. This can go both ways as in the worst case they might attract people with a ton of trauma and who depend on them to be fixed. In best case, these people like helping their partners/friends grt over their sorrows and are very accepting

Talking about helping people, venus-chiron's type in romance might be someone with a wise attitude, who is aware of the painful aspects of life, someone Chiron-like. They might also be into wisdom.

Venus also rules over artistic skills, so I think these people can create stuff related to wounds and hurt in other words, emo poetry-ok no jk, but there is potential. I have seen authors with venus-chiron who have written beautiful pieces capturing emotional distress and heart ache

They are most likely respectful to others' issues and don't like overstepping boundaries

People are more likely to come to them to vent about others and romance (just an observations of the few folks I have encountered with venus-chiron)

They can sometimes be too tolerant of others

And they can be quite sensitive to others' opinions, what others say

People with these aspects can grow to analyze relationships very well and give great advice on this matter.

Random note but, they may experience creativity blocks often?

Venus-Chiron can make someone hesitant in relationships, perhaps slow to open up or keeping an emotional distance

The best partner/friend/connection people with these aspects can have is someone who respects their boundaries as well and is open in diving into issues together, someone who will be there for them

They are more likely to benefit from talking things out, either with someone close to them, or a therapist, but also creating art!

Venus conjunct Chiron smashes the planets' themes together. They bring love and wounds together. I think these people make excellent healers, and are very accepting and kind. People might take advantage of them because of this, so they should be careful to not tolerate toxic behaviors without realizing.

Venus trine Chiron is an easy aspect. Things flow easily, so these people are very accepting as well. They like being there for others. Artistic skills, but make it slightly edgy lmao- good listeners. But the trine has dark sides too, because there is potential that talent can be brushed off and left undeveloped. They can ignore their problems and escape into their fantasy land. They could forget to put effort into keeping their relationships fair, either ending up taking advantage or being taken for granted. Conscious work is required, but it is easily harnessed.

Venus sextile Chiron is another positive aspect. These people are great at understanding and offering support. Big potential for deep artistic skills as well. I am sensing they're a little on the introverted side.

Venus square Chiron is our first harsh aspect. The square creates inner tension and is hard to deal with, but also has its benefits. These people may be constantly wronged or treated below their worth. They can be taken advantage of because they understand emotional pain easily. Relationships can make them feel trapped and like their healing is being sabotaged or slowed. There is also a lot of self-critique. This is why they should surround themselves with equally devoted and understanding people who do not overstep their boundaries.

Venus opposite chiron is another difficult aspect. The opposition manifests more outwardly. There is a strong imbalance between relationships and the self, their own healing and well-being. They could have their boundaries overstepped constantly. There also exists a strong sense of indecisevess, and they may overthink a lot in relationships because of past events regarding this topic. They can also feel held down by others, just like venus square chiron. The key here is finding balance. They need to help themselves, but also sustain the relationships worth sustaining.

As an end note, venus-chiron are like the wallflower archetype. They have been hurt in the past, have lots of scars from relationships, but it is these very scars that bring them wisdom :)

Thanks for reading!

#astrology aspects #astro notes #astrology notes #astro observations #venus aspects #venus conjunct chiron #venus sextile chiron

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plutoswrath · 4 years

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What are your favorite venus, Mars and mercury signs and placements?

I think I’ve answered a similar question before regarding venus signs! You can search for it in the tags! So, I’ll just list the Mars/Mercury signs down below!

Mercury: I usually like every Mercury sign, the only ones I personally have more conflict/ problems with are Leo, Virgo and Pisces Mercury. Haven’t met an actual Scorpio mercury so far, so I’m neutral with them. My total favorites are though:

- Cancer Mercury: basically a walking safe space, for some this may sound a bit over the top but they give everyone in need free therapy session basically, they usually have good and pure intentions with others (especially loved ones) and really can be the best positive influence/help out there, many creative gifts lie here, one of the funniest people in general. They really embody the gift of emotional knowledge, cardinal energy at its finest here!

- Sagittarius Mercury: The negative traits or tendencies really can get the best of me sometimes, but when focusing on the positive they win out of all fire mercury signs in my opinion! They are funny, know how to have genuinely meaningful discussions most of the time and gladly share their wisdom with you! Truly someone that offers new perspectives and fun times! Then again, I usually have a weak spot for most Sagittarius placements, I just truly believe there is some sort of symbiosis between Cancer and Sagittarius energy that not a lot of people know about or can get behind.

- Gemini Mercury: The bubblier version of Sagittarius Mercury, they make small talk easy and adjust well to new people (despite them having a fear of talking/social situations often). Never turn down opportunities to try something new, especially with their friends or s/o! The person to have an instant connection with, because they adjust well to others (similar to a Libra mercury).

- Capricorn Mercury: Opposites attract haha! I like their sterness, ambitiousness and determination; they usually are not that great at talking about emotions, but even their very logic advice can benefit emotional problems, they can give you the boost of confidence you need, much like Cancer and Leo Mercury they remind you of your already existing inner strength! Also: when they are genuinely proud of you and tell you, it’s the best feeling in the world! Big softies or children underneath the closed off, cold exterior, tend to have a very egoistical side to them that they need to work on next to being more authentic and honest with their close ones.

- Aquarius Mercury: I like their ways of thinking, they always surprise you with their opinions and ideas, because even though you may sense what lies underneath, it’s always very pleasant when they willingly reveal their inner world. Very observant and attentive to their surroundings, great at pointing stuff out you haven’t notice before, therefore great when you struggl with seeing the bigger picture/different perspective of a topic or issue! Passionate about their opinion, they are a fixed sign after all, very headstrong.

My favorite Mars signs:

- Capricorn Mars: At this point I try to be objective but Capricorn mars (and Venus) just trigger my marriage response haha! They can be very indecisive and put on some sort of ‘act’ earlier in life but once they know who they are and what they want they get it and work towards it! They have a plan, set boundaries, know who or what’s worth it, know on what or who to work on/with without wasting too much time and effort, cardinal energy in its best form here! (i swear I don’t have preferences but I do have preferences)

- Aries Mars: Can have the tendency to be quiet chaotic, but depending on the chart and how the individual develops the mars sign/grows into it, it’s just like a more spontaneous (or reckless) Capricorn mars, I love their passion and willingness to go lengths for what they want and love! They are willing to take risks and I really adore that!

- Libra Mars: I appreciate their objectivness and true intentions when it comes to justice and peace making. The negative potentials and inner struggles aside, they bring harmony and can tie groups together like no other. Creative individuals, want to bring comfort to others, self reflective and to be fair they do really have a unique charm to them usually (that is easily noticable as well). Great leaders. (cardinal energy really comes through in this ranking oh well)

- Taurus mars: just as hard working as Capricorn and Virgo mars people; they want it? They get it! Perfect balance of pleasure and work combines here in my opinion, they are the people that enjoy a good treat even more after knowing that they gave their all for it, but also someone to spontaneously ask for a movie marathon or to go shopping for the weekend because the feel like it. Extreeemly loyal and loving, you can truly feel safe with them, it’s so heartwarming!

- Gemini Mars: I like that their life line is not “consistant”, they take many turns, ups and downs and willingly need to do so and want to. These individuals will fill their life and yours with a breat of fresh air and the twists and turns you experience will tie you closer and closer together!

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ofcloudsandstars · 4 years

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Celestial Forecast

Week 17-23

Happy Pisces Season! 🐟✨This week will bring some exciting shifts before we end on the new moon's final cycle in Pisces! It will start off with Mercury retrograding in Pisces which will create a time of mental rest and exploration while some helpful lunar transits will help us to clear house and help break up old or outdated routines to try new things.

Some overall advice this week: Do not be afraid to try new things and experiment in areas that you were always drawn to but always gave excuses as to why you felt you couldn't explore them before. With the retrograde it's not a time to start new things but it gives a safe window for you to explore and experiment with new stuff noncommittally.

Some additional notes: I've decided to add in the details for lunar transits so the ☽ next to a transit signifies that. Lunar transits are brief but they add additional flavors to the 'mood' of the day so I find it important to add them in (also us witches follow the moon so it's important). Also I write for a witch community in London so the time is set to UTC and the week starts from Monday and ends on Sundays.

17th

Mercury Retrograde in Pisces

☽ Moon in Sagittarius square Mercury in Pisces ☽ Moon in Sagittarius square Neptune in Pisces

Energy: Today is the beginning of Mercury's retrograde period. With mercury moving reverse in Pisces we can feel like illusions hidden in our reality will pop out and escaping through our normal means would not work as well at the moment. The moon in Sagittarius might still give a overall mood of optimism but today it will square both mercury and then Neptune in Pisces creating moments of confusion between one's thoughts and feelings, or one's emotions overpowering their logical minds and strange experiences that will leave you questioning reality. With the mixture of the optimistic Sagittarius moon and it's square with Neptune we may find that we are deluding ourselves or being deceived by others in effort to keep positive. It'll also be easy to over indulge and escape reality through substance abuse. The energy of this day could be used healthily by escaping reality safely such as taking an extra nap, watching films, or partaking in anything to satisfy your imagination. However with mercury retrograding in Pisces it's best to also look at tasks you may have been putting off or aim to face hard truths in your life so that you can learn the lessons quickly and find ways to resolve them. Taking too much time to avoid issues by escaping today may result in problems snowballing later.

Recommendations: Shadow work babey! It's mercury retrograde. (Do some divination on what you might have been lying to yourself about and how to face those tasks or what inner issues may be blocking you). Meditation, rest

________________

18th

Sun enters Pisces ☀️🐟

VOC 9:03-10:36AM Moon enters Capricorn

☽ Moon trines Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Mars in Capricorn

Energy: It's Pisces season!! Time for dreaminess, deep sadness, lots of rain, strange astral plane adventures when you were just trying to take a nap, and unasked for empath-transmitted feelings. When the sun is in Pisces we are guided by altruistic feelings and we tend to get lost in our imaginations. However with mercury retrograding in Pisces for some weeks, this combo might bring up some less favorable aspects of Pisces season such as deep sadness and feeling victimized by life and elusiveness. The moon today will be in Capricorn which is a great day to organizing life and getting shit together. Use this energy to dive deep into your subconscious and clean house (moon is waning now so it's a great time to cleanse, shed and banish physically, emotionally or spiritually) or at least distract yourself from whatever nightmares are hiding deep down there by cleaning your whole room!! (Yes we are responsible adults what do you mean 'problems we may be avoiding?' I've ironed my bed-sheets!) I know some people adverse to like.. getting stuff done will probably read this day's energy vibe and be like: what is she talking about? But the moon is going to conjunct Mars in Capricorn, so you WILL have the energy and drive to karate-chop tasks off your list today. The moon is also trining Uranus so if you do want to make changes to your room or home this transit will favor it. Additionally this energy will urge you to want to make changes to your routine so if you do decide to take this motivating energy to make a change in life (and not delude yourself by ironing your bed-sheets) then you will be in favor to initiate change!

Recommendations: What have you been putting off forever? Do it. Make it magical by wearing hematite or drinking some intentions-made coffee or tea.

________________

19th

☽ Moon in Capricorn square Venus in Aries ☽ Moon in Capricorn conjunct Jupiter in Capricorn

Energy: With the moon still transiting ambitious Capricorn you will feel the power to get things done. Finish what is not finished (just don't start anything new with mercury retrograding). The moon will be making two interesting transits today which are the square it will make with Venus in Aries and conjunction with Jupiter in Capricorn. The two combinations will make today a wonderful day to socialize, be generous and will surge a need for love and affection. Luck is on your side today to tackle long standing obstacles and you will get support from loved ones. However with the square of course energy can go the other way meaning if you are alone or in an unhappy relation you could potentially feel sad and lonely on this day. (Even happier relationships could potentially undergo some uncomfortable moments but you can make up for it through acts of love or trying to please your partner).

Recommendations: brewing teas or coffees for energy and ambition (with the intention to get tasks done). Money spells, self love magic, alluring glamours (to get extra attention if you are feeling lonely and needy).

________________

20th

Jupiter in Capricorn sextiles Neptune in Pisces

☽ Juno rx in Libra square Moon in Capricorn ☽ Moon in Capricorn conjuncts Pluto in Capricorn ☽ Moon sextiles Sedna in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Saturn in Capricorn

☽ VOC 2:18-7:41PM ☽ Moon enters Aquarius

Energy: Today may feel a bit heavy but is promising as it helps to bring some awareness or enlightenment to anything that may be plaguing you (especially in the realm of romance or self worth). A major transit that will peak today will be Jupiter in Capricorn sextiling Neptune in Pisces. It will bring good energy, harmony and expansion to spiritual awareness or even enlightenment. This will be amplified by the moon in Capricorn conjunct Pluto which can bring up deep feelings hidden in the subconscious that may make you confront your shadows before you can gain the next level of awareness. To add to these flavors you also have Juno retrograding in Libra which will square the moon in Capricorn in addition to the moon conjunct Saturn in Capricorn which will all bring up very heavy and bitter feelings towards relationships not fulfilling our needs of affection or extreme loneliness. Finally the moon will sextile Sedna in Taurus which could be a beneficial connection to find the light in the dark of the situation. Though the other lunar transits will call for emotional maturity, the confrontation of our shadows, and caring for ourselves instead of seeking it in a partner, this sextile with Sedna along with Jupiter sextile Neptune could bring moments of enlightenment and finding ways to create something positive in our personal dark depths.

The moon will be void of course for most of the day so any spells you wish to send out should wait until the moon enters Aquarius which will bring a mood of improvement or need of change which could help change the pace if we are seeking ways to improve our behavior.

Recommendations: Shadow Work again but with more effort this time. Self-therapy exercises such as free-writing (free stream of consciousness writing), self care/self love magic, bath magic

________________

21st

Mars in Capricorn trines Uranus in Taurus

☽ Moon squares Uranus in Taurus ☽ Moon conjunct Ceres in Aquarius

Energy: Uranus the planet of surprises and changes is going to be making a few exciting cameos today in the realm of aspects. With Mars trining Uranus, we may get a huge drive to start new things (please don't) and with the moon squaring Uranus we will feel the pressure to seek out anything exciting. The two aspects together can create a drive for new experiences (which is ok with mercury retrograde as long as you are just exploring and not making any long term commitments), and also strong sexual drive and emotional impulsiveness. Finding a hook up today should come easy and you might suddenly find someone new that will catch your eye or an exciting infatuation but if you are in a relationship then try to channel this mars energy towards an ongoing project cause with the moon squaring Uranus, emotional outbursts and rapid mood swings especially with close ones could blow up today and drama could easily escalate.

With the moon conjunct Ceres in Aquarius we may feel the need to cater to ourselves or loved ones and would probably find emotional satisfaction in volunteering for the community or helping a friend. (Who knows if you are single you could probably find a hottie volunteering with you and that Mars trining Uranus could be pretty beneficial). Self-care or self fulfillment might arise in strange or surprising ways today (especially with the moon squaring Uranus). Treat yourself to something new like a new restaurant, dish, movie, or activity today. If you are low on money try a new hobby you've always wanted to check out. With mercury in retrograde its a good time to experiment, so even if you get that 'I can't start any new projects cause I have anxiety that it won't come out perfect' it doesn't matter cause you shouldn't be aiming to finish anything fool!! It's mercury retrograde!! Just bust open those watercolors you've been wanting to use forever and chill the fuck out!!

Recommendations: sex magic to attract opportunities, brewing coffees and teas with intention to get work done, protection magic, trying something new, doing blessings for friends and loved ones.

________________

22nd

Sun in Pisces sextiles Uranus in Taurus

☽ Juno rx in Libra sextiles Moon in Aquarius ☽ Moon conjunct Eros in Aquarius ☽ Moon squares Sedna in Taurus

☽ VOC 4:08am-6:37am

Energy: The energy of yesterday can carry on to today but be amplified as the Sun in Pisces gets in the mix with the Uranian energies pushing new opportunities and excitement. The Sun will sextile Uranus in Taurus bringing pleasant surprises and stimulating encounters. Everything from creativity, socializing and discovering new things will be in focus today. Today may be awful to sticking to routines and will bring a lot of distractions but on the bright side with new experimentation can bring new routines and easier ways to doing things.

The lunar transits will add to this with the Moon conjunct the sexual asteroid Eros in Aquarius which will bring an intense emotional need to fulfill our passions and desires. New hook ups could seem appealing, new sexual explorations could be rewarding. With Juno rx in Libra sextiling the Moon in Aquarius we could feel longing to connect with someone who could bring these desires to reality OR with mercury retrograde we may feel the need to contact our ex lovers and re-unite (maybe don't.) To add to this Uranian dynamic of the day bringing surprises, new experiences and amplifying our passionate desires, the moon will square Sedna creating tension to find ways to manifest these desires to light. If this energy is ignored it may create tension where we will feel bitter and neglected or victimized by life (adding to another day in the string of us feeling lonely and that no one wants us to have exciting Eros in Aquarius sex with) but fear not as the life-giving energy of Sedna could be used in a way to channel this intense passionate emotional energy into art or projects. If projects aren't cutting it you can get it out through venting online. However the major solar transit flowing harmoniously with Uranus could bring about many exciting distractions that could help deter you from feeling low or calling your ex. (Who knows maybe you won't need an ex if you meet the hottie with the transits yesterday.)

Recommendations: Avoid manifestations since the moon is void of coursing for a chunk of the day. Use the time to reflect and focus on art or mental exploration. If you still crave some magical activities then consider making new magical tools or exploring a new aspect of your craft. Trying new things will be beneficial today. It will also be nice to start new things as the new moon is tomorrow so it could flavor the next lunar cycle.

________________

23rd

New Moon in Pisces

☽ Moon conjunct Mercury rx in Pisces ☽ Moon conjunct Neptune in Pisces

Jupiter in Capricorn squares Venus in Aries

Energy: This New Moon may bring some MESSY FEELINGS about. As if a Moon transiting Pisces wasn't enough, the new moon amplifying energy will cross over Mercury's retrograde and the ruler of Pisces, Neptune. In addition to all this Jupiter in Capricorn is going to square Venus in impulsive Aries. This hot mess sadness sandwich will bring a day of our ugly truths (usually being hidden by shimmery illusions to cope, now ripped off like a blistering band-aid mark thanks to Mercury rx) coming out to flaunt itself like a street flasher busting open his trench coat. With the moon conjunct Neptune along with Venus squaring Jupiter today will be the PRIME day where we will feel the deep urge to drown ourselves in over indulgence or escape. Escaping might not be as easy with the mercurial retrograde and you could even get consequences with overspending with the Venus x Jupiter square. In addition you should absolutely apply some self psychic-protection as the lunar transit conjunct Neptune will bring a huge sense of empath and psychic abilities which could be overwhelming and confusing.

To use the energy of today positively you should make the commitment to confront what has been bothering you or the truths you have been ignoring and make a plan this lunar cycle to act on it. New moon in Pisces allows us to accept imperfections in ourselves and take a leap of faith in something we have always believed in but were too afraid to put our trust in. Look deep within yourself to the dreams you have been neglecting or ignoring and act on them. That's what mercury might try to bring to the surface.

Recommendations: Vision boards! Art based magic, protection magic, affirmations to go after your dreams, purging/release by crying, making charm bags to help succeed in achieving our goals.

#astrology #witchblr #witches of tumblr #pisces new moon #new moon #pisces

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uncloseted · 4 years

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i have a seriously annoying problem and i don't know what to do. so, i've been depressed for a very long time now, have done therapy twice and quit, and now i wanna seek help again because i'm really fucking scared that if i don't do anything i'll stay like this forever and not get ahead in life. and with not getting ahead in life i mean: i'm currently 18, and about a month ago i got a job, the 2nd one in my life, and i already wanna quit. the reason why this is so bad to me is, when i was 16 i got my first job and stopped after 3 months just because i'm so unmotivated. now it's 2 years later, i'm finally working again, but something is just soooo off with me. no matter how hard i try, i'm so unmotivated in everything i do. and i know that the easy answer is that it's probably that i haven't found a thing that i like doing, but i know that's not it. it's literally just working that i hate. i know that no matter what i do, i'm gonna hate doing it. and wanting to quit is especially hard for me, because i've been fucking up my life consistently, and my parents are proud that i'm working again. now like i said, i've been thinking about going to therapy again, but i also wanna quit my job, at least til i'm in a better headspace. because i honestly think that i'm gonna go insane if i do school, work, and therapy at the same time. now my question is, do you think that's the best solution? or what would you do? should i just try to suck it up and continue to work while i get better during therapy?

First and foremost, I think it sounds like you need to work on recovering from your depression. I know that’s easier said than done, but there are a lot of things that you can try. Talk therapy can be great for a lot of people, but it’s not the only option, and it’s really important to have a therapist you connect with in order for it to work. It may take trying out a few different therapists (or a lot of different therapists) before you find the one for you, and that’s totally normal and okay. It’s also important to try different types of therapy. Maybe you’ve tried narrative therapy and that hasn’t clicked with you, but ACT or CBT therapy will.

If you haven’t already, I would also consider meeting with a psychiatrist or your primary care physician to talk about medication. Talk therapy and medication combined works better than either one on its own. Like with finding a therapist, it make take a few different tries before you find a medication that works for you. Don’t be afraid to let your psychiatrist know if you’re not feeling better or if you’re having side effects.

If you’ve been through several different medications and none of them have worked, you may have what’s called “treatment-resistant depression”. If that’s the case, there are a lot of experimental treatments you can try. Clinical psychedelic treatments (ketamine being the most common and well-researched, but also psilocybin mushrooms, LSD, and MDMA) can make a really big difference for people who are depressed, and oftentimes are faster-acting than their traditional SSRI counterparts. Other interventions, like ECT, TMS, and VNS, have been shown to reduce symptoms of depression as well.

Finally, and I hate to be this person because I know how frustrating it is to get this advice, but lifestyle changes can go a big way to improving mood and reducing depressive symptoms. In one study, 90% of clinically people who exercised for 30 minutes, three times a week recovered from their depression by the ten week mark. For comparison, only about 50% of the control group (who were taking Zoloft), were in remission by 10 weeks. Exercise also boosts your cognitive functioning and will help you be healthier for longer as you get older. This doesn’t need to be intense exercise, either- walking, playing a pickup game of a sport you like, riding a bike, doing yoga or pilates videos online, dancing, whatever you can get yourself to do is better than nothing.

Sleep is the other big lifestyle change that impacts depression. Seven to eight hours of sleep a night will significantly boost your happiness and well-being. Like with exercise, it will also boost your cognitive performance and will help you be more focused and motivated.

There are other lifestyle habits that are good to put in place, like meditating once a day, practicing gratitude, actively doing kind things for other people (such as volunteer work), ensuring that you have regular social interaction, and working towards long term goals, but if you’re looking for the biggest bang for your buck, sleep and exercise are your best bet.

This all probably sounds like a huge tangent from your actual question, but I promise it’s not. If you can improve your mood, you’ll feel more motivated to work and, importantly, more capable of working. I would also try to think of work as something that’s not binary (you’re either working or you’re not). Can you reduce the hours that you’re working so that you have more time for school and therapy sessions? Are there aspects of your job that are easier than others that you could request to do more frequently? Is there a job that would provide you with more flexibility or at least suck a little bit less? Maybe not working at all isn’t an option for you right now, but you might be able to find a way to make it less difficult.

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

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krbement · 3 years

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Hot Topic: In-person vs. Teletherapy

→ Assuming you are still reading because you are even more interested in clinical psychology now, I’d like to go through a hot topic in the field currently. It is important to know what is happening in the field of your future career because this could set up different pathways for you. There are quite a few different debates in the field right now but I want to zero in on one specific topic: teletherapy.

What is teletherapy?

→ Teletherapy is the 21st century improvisation to in-person therapy. The latin root “tele” means “distance” or “transmission over a distance”. Therefore, teletherapy is the act of providing therapeutic counseling for emotional issues via the internet. With the increase of technology in recent decades, the proposal for therapy through the internet has increased with it.

→ The first sign of “e-therapy” was in 1972 when computers from Stanford and UCLA were used in what is now considered the first online counseling. I know it seems crazy that there was online therapy before cellphones were even invented because now most of us are aware we can attend a therapy session via zoom right from the comfort of our own homes.

Why is there a debate?

→ The tech boom in recent years really drove the need for online therapy for people like the stay at home moms who can’t leave their kids at home to go to therapy, or the busy bees who just don’t have enough hours in the day to get to an in-person meeting. Many argue these individuals’ mental health shouldn’t suffer and that teletherapy should be more widely accepted. On the flip side there are many who think that therapy loses its integrity when it is no longer a face to face interaction. Here are a few of the pros and cons as listed by different experts in the field.

Pros:

-Easy and simple to access: Skype is a very easy tool for patients and therapists to utilize in their sessions.

-Much more affordable than traditional psychotherapy: Traditional therapy can be quite pricey, up to $200 for a 45-60 minute visit, whereas teletherapy is much cheaper.

-Accessibility for people with physical limitations: There are many individuals who may not have the physical means to get to an in-person meeting so they are now able to meet with a therapist remotely without the trouble of getting there.

-More frequent contact with the therapist: Patients can call their therapist quickly and efficiently if needed rather than having to wait a week or more to get an appointment.

-Good for patients with social anxiety: Many individuals who suffer from social anxiety are not comfortable meeting with a therapist in person. This way they can ease the social pressure and be in a comfortable space while receiving the help they need.

-Necessary during COVID: Due to mandatory shut down of many offices for safety reasons- teletherapy has been on the rise as people still need help from their therapists and even more so for some during a global pandemic.

Cons:

-Confidentiality: It is hard to protect patient and therapist information from being hacked into.

-HIPAA Compliance: Lines are blurred on whether or not teletherapy complies with restrictions of HIPAA outlined here.

-Interruptions of communication like dropped calls: It is hard to prevent power outages or bad wifi connections.

-Insurance companies may not cover it: Some insurance companies do not cover online therapy and It mainly depends on the state you live in.

-Some states do not provide out-of-state providers: Therapists are licensed by the state they live in and therefore can only provide care to those who are also in that state.

-Lack of response to crisis situations: It can be difficult to respond efficiently if there is an immediate crisis.

-Overlooks important body language: Nonverbal communication is very important for therapists to read as they are helping assess a patient’s problems. Without these cues, therapists are missing out on valuable information that they may not get otherwise.

-Online therapy alone is not enough for severe mental health issues: There are some individuals with serious psychiatric illnesses that require close and direct interventions that online therapy can not provide.

-Some types of therapy are nearly impossible to conduct online (e.g. animal assisted psychotherapy or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy [EMDR]): Different problems require creative solutions and it is nearly impossible to administer the above treatments through an online forum.

How has COVID affected this debate?

→ You may be wondering if this debate has been fast tracked by the current climate of the world. Well you would be 100% correct. The rapid spread of this virus forced anti-teletherapy individuals to get on board in order to protect the safety of themselves and their clients. An article in the MIT technology review even noted that there has been a large spike in the usage of wellness apps ranging from meditation to teletherapy.

→ The increase in usage can be explained both by the restrictions being lifted on telehealth meetings and an increase in the number of people seeking therapy. “Nearly half of Americans report the coronavirus is affecting their mental health”, reports William Wan from the Washington Post. People are struggling with the fear of the unknown that this virus brings. Many are worried about their loved ones’ safety, losing their jobs and homes, not being able to provide for the family, not being able to afford school, and any combination of these. It is not surprising that teletherapy is now booming, the world is a scary place right now.

So, what’s the right answer?

→ Typically these debates have more of a clear right and wrong side. However, as you have read, this debate has very logical, ethical, and moral reasons for both arguments. I am in favor of the rise in teletherapy due to the current climate of the world. There are so many people these days that need help in dealing with their mental health issues and I am glad that people are able to access the help that they need. I also firmly believe that we need to be working hard to improve the security of these platforms for both the therapist and client. But I’ll let you decide for yourself what side of the debate you fall into.

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years

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an autistic analysis, lyric by lyric, of ‘i love play rehearsal’

ive been hyperfixating over bmc for the last month and i keep thinking about how autistic the main characters are and christine is so very very very autistic coded to me. so i decided im just going to straight up deconstruct the lyrics of her signature song in the context of her being autistic (and also having adhd, but my experience is mostly in autism)

this is very very rambley and based more on personal experience than research, so i doubt itll be interesting to anybody but me, but i just want to talk about christine, the autistic queen

I love play rehearsal Because its the best! Because it is fun. I love play rehearsal and I get depressed as soon as its done.

it goes without saying that chrstine’s special interest is theater right? the way she treats it as the “highlight of [her] life” and then switches into this song after acting completely awkward and disinterested in jeremy outside of the context of him being engaged in her special interest.

But not depressed as in like kill yourself depressed No, im not into self-harm Dude, I swear, here check my arm!

overexplaining in a way that reads very much like speaking before she thinks, even though bringing up self harm in casual conversation with someone you barely talk to is not exactly proper etiquette. i think this is also an adhd trait? going faster than your own brain. that’s basically this whole song.

See, I just use the word to emphasise a point, Show the passion I have got I am passionate a lot. I have mad, gigantic feelings, Red and frantic feelings, About most everything Like gun control, like spring,

a lot of people assume autistic people are typically emotionless but it’s also very easy for us to get caught up in emotional issues especially when it comes to stuff we love, and it catches us off guard. christine being hyperempathetic is implied later in the show when she has that awful survivors’ guilt over making fun of rich and jake, and it also plays into her being so socially conscious as well.

Like if I’m living up to all I’m meant to be.

being an high school junior is really rough bc of all the decisions that have to be made regarding college and your future as an independent adult, and being autistic just makes it worse bc it can easily lead to burnout to deal with so much at once, if you even can comprehend these things much at all (i had no idea what to do, lol). i doubted my ability to grow up and succeed constantly because i had no idea who to talk to and what questions to ask and how to present myself. that’s something that a lot of people worry about, but having social delays makes it way more of a pressing issue than it is for neurotypicals, i feel.

I also have a touch of ADD. Where was I? Oh, right!

self explanatory and very canon. adhd and autism can be diagnosed simultaneously nowadays and the symptoms overlap a lot, btw.

I love play rehearsal, Cause’ you are equiped with direction and text, Life is easy in rehearsal, You follow a script so you know what comes next. Anywho the point that I’m getting to is sometimes life can’t work out in the way It works out in the play

this part screams autistic culture to me. unpredictability is scary because social situations don’t always go smoothly like in fiction! this is why social scripting is a popular therapy tactic for autistic children- you have to manually study social situations like a script. theater is something meant to be memorized and recited until you’re able to process it and manufacture emotion, but honestly for autistic kids, life feels a lot like that sometimes. remember how miserable she got when one of her favorite plays had the script changed without her permission to make a whole new story she doesn’t know? of course that’s just upsetting on its own, but in the context of her knowing theater so well and being fully prepared for one story only to be forced to learn a new one? ouch.

christine is never shown as comfortable outside her element- she hides in a book during “more than survive” and shrinks into nothing at the party. it’s a recurring theme that she has no idea exactly who she is, struggles with her identity outside of theater, and despite not really caring about how people see her, she does care about her own ability. socializing makes her feel awkward, especially when something totally unexpected happens like jake or jeremy asking her out. if she doesn’t have a plan or routine or, well, a script, then she can’t trust herself to go forward.

Like the only time I get to be the center of attention, Is when I’m Juliet or Blanche DuBois

as an autistic theater kid, i just really do relate to being clueless and dumb in real life but being able to totally thrive on the stage, because you can channel the energy that is usually misplaced in real life social interactions, and transfer it through dialogue and song and dance that someone else laid out nicely for you.

and can I mention? That was really one of my best roles, Did you see that?

an epic combination of letting your mind wander easily without caring about making sense to the person you’re speaking to, and taking every opportunity to infodump. in a lot of productions she even mimics her blanche voice just for fun. jeremy tries to respond here but she doesn’t care because she’s in her own brain where everything only really seems to make sense to her.

And no matter how hard I try, It’s impossible to narrow down the many reasons why, I love play rehearsal. I happiness cry whenever it starts!

if she isn’t being hyperbolic then this plays into my ‘so much emotion it’s hard to control’ thing detailed a bit above. either way, big special interest mood.

It’s just so universal Getting to try playing so many parts. Most humans do one thing for all of their lives, The thought of that gives me hives! I’ve got so many interests I wanna pursue,

it’s a lot easier to lose yourself and connect to your special interest than focus on your very complex, very overwhelming real life issues. escaping into fiction and being able to play in a variety of social situations as a totally different person, yay theater!

in general i just like the idea of christine struggling to visualize who she is and thinking about a lot of hypothetical but being unable to choose which one is most desirable or plausible. idk if that’s autistic or just a fun character trait lol. i know jumping from interest to interest is an adhd thing though.

this little passage is good for at least showing that christine distinguishes herself from ‘most humans’ in a way that isn’t so much ‘not like other girls’ but like ‘life is so much more confusing to me than it seems to be to others’ (which the show proposes isn’t exactly true and is the same closed-mindedness that jeremy has, though christine realizes it sooner; however; the sentiment rings true in that christine, as a neurodiverse young woman, has a lot more hoops to jump through than a neurotypical classmate.)

And why am I telling this to you? Guess there’s a part of me that wants to.

jeremy is also very autistic coded in my eyes, but that’s a separate post. i just like them being drawn to each other through that sort of kinship. also if you interpret her as having an unrealized requited crush on him…well, i think for a lot of us, romantic love is easy to confuse with friend love, if even that, because the specifics of emotions are a mess to unravel. (which also explains her confusion on her relationship with jake)

oh and right after this, she starts squawking just because she had the impulse to do so. vocal stimming, much?

Back to play rehearsal, My brain is like ‘bzzz’ My heart is like 'wow’

my brain is always like bzzz honestly lol. this is generally a pretty good way to describe being hyperfocused.

Because we’re here at play rehearsal, and it’s starting, We’re starting, It’s starting, Sooo-ooon.

it’s been confirmed as a deliberate decision that christine’s songs never end on a rhyme, except when she’s squipped and it isn’t ‘really’ her, because she subverts everyone’s expectations, including jeremy’s. i feel that could make for a nice simplified metaphor for autism, right?

#christine canigula #autistic headcanons #allistics can reblog!#be more chill #bmc #gif #long post #queue are so busted #i might do something like this for loser geek whatever and/or more than survive #or even just bmc songs in general if i cant get enough material from them individually #be more neurodivergent #kin tag

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polarishq · 4 years

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Meet Esther Hughes. Their age is unknown and they hail from Las Vegas, NV (most recently). Esther embodies the constellation, CANCER. They use she/her pronouns. Their faceclaim is Lalisa Manoban.

Cancer reminds me of dew gathering on flower petals first thing in the morning, notebooks filled with nonsensical scribbles, radio static, knee high socks, the first taste of an ice cream cone, lavendar, ink stained fingers, midnight drives, a stellar fight-or-flight instinct that almost always chooses flight, pink cotton candy, and diving headfirst off into open waters.

BIOGRAPHY

(trigger warning for mentions of death and abuse)

Every magical being has a story entirely their own, for better or for worse. For Esther, that story isn’t so much ‘for worse’ as it is one she doesn’t quite remember. She remembers being born in Thailand, some time between 1920 and 1930, and raised in an orphanage after being cast aside for whatever reason. She remembers whispers from staff about how she didn’t grow like the other children. She recalls being forced out of that orphanage at a young age, after cries of witchcraft were hurled her way following an incident of a bully almost drowning without water in his lungs. Everything after that is even fuzzier. She wandered throughout south-east and central Asia, managing to survive despite the distance and her few resources somehow. Magic was never presented to her as a real thing, so she grew just thinking she was both extremely lucky to live and extremely cursed as to not age like everyone else. She stumbled into Europe during the 90s, not looking a day over 10 at the time, still as unsure of her existence as the day she was born. Esther was a name she chose herself in Germany, and while there, a kind woman took pity on her and helped find a host family in Las Vegas with resources to raise a child (nevermind that Esther was at least fifty then, although age and time have always been fuzzy subjects to her). Once in Nevada, Esther tried to settle into her host family. They were nice enough, but she had spent so much of her time wandering on her own that leaving them felt like a natural instinct. So that’s what she did. She ran and found herself on the streets of Las Vegas in the early 2000s, as lost as ever. It was by sheer happenstance that she was found by a social worker who wouldn’t have believed her if she tried explaining that she wasn’t a child. At first, the worker planned to take her to a group home and have her settle into the system until she seemed to be 18, but then he noticed the constellation pattern on the inside of her wrist. He knew what it meant — and to him, it wasn’t good.

Most humans are unaware of the existence of magic, and most of those who are aware view it as a gift. Not all, though. There exists a small number of people who view magic not as a gift to its wielders, but as something to be harvested and used for their own sake. In Las Vegas, there existed such a fraction. When Patrick and Renee Hughes got a call from a family friend about a special case he had found wandering the streets, they knew exactly what it meant. Without being told any of what was going on, Esther was taken to this family, who was positively elated to recognize the constellation Cancer on her skin. It was the first time anyone used the word magic in front of Esther to describe what she had, and for a fleeting moment, it felt like a blessing. Quickly after though, the Hughes’ made their intentions clear. They existed to take in ‘children’ imbued with magic, not out of the kindness of their heart, but as a means to satisfy their own wishes. Esther was one of seven in the household who had been taken in for control. Records were falsified, and suddenly instead of a decades old witch who had wandered the planet, surviving wars and hunger and fear, she was Esther Hughes. A poor child, born July 9th, 1996 and abandoned, only to be taken in by the good, kind Hughes family. Water elements aren’t meant to thrive in such a dry climate like Vegas, and Esther had never been taught how to use her magic in any way. The only instances were when she was extremely hurt or angry or scared, far beyond her control. But the Hughes’ family didn’t care. When they tried to get Esther to use her magic and she couldn’t, all that came was their own frustration, yelling and belittling and hurting her as if that could ever work. Her first inclination like always was to do whatever necessary to escape, but it wasn’t so easy anymore. Not only did the Hughes’ keep a close eye on the house, but there were six other children — scared like her — who she would be leaving behind. It was the closest thing to a family she ever had, and she couldn’t leave them to this abuse. So she stayed.

Over the seven or so years that Esther spent with the Hughes family, her magic weakened, from a lack of her natural occurring element as well as having nothing else to go by. The final breaking point came when Patrick and Renee’s abuse went too far towards a young wizard (a child who had the powers of a single star, Deneb) who died as a result. The loss was unlike anything Esther had ever felt before. It had taken decades to find a group of people she cared so deeply for, and suddenly one of them — her brother — was gone. The anguish felt amongst the other siblings was too much, and Esther once again found it in herself to run — not away, but rather towards someone. The Hughes’ only missed her escape due to trying to cover up the death, and by the time they realized it, Esther was following an innate pull to something she couldn’t explain. At the same time, the combined distress of the magicals inside the Hughes’ house acted as a distress signal towards a staff member at Polaris (a minor constellation in their own right, but with a strong pull towards psychic magic). A small group from the school was sent to investigate immediately, and Esther quite literally ran into them. The pulling sensation she’d felt faded as soon as she met up with them, and from there, everything once again changed. Patrick and Renee Hughes were ‘dealt with’, though Esther never questioned what that meant, and the ‘children’ in their care were taken in by the Polaris school. Once there, Esther’s natural inclination to run away seemed to fade, and she realized why after settling in to the comfort of the school — she’d finally found a home.

At Polaris, Esther has felt a comfort that seemed so very foreign to her previously. She’d had homes before, but there was something different about being surrounded by those who both understood and celebrated you. And she was made to learn about who she was rather than have it be weaponized. She has been at Polaris for just shy of a decade now, and in that time, has truly found some semblance of peace. It’s not always perfect — she is ruled by her emotions, and considering how long she’s lived and the things she’s survived, she has more emotions than she could ever know what to do with. She’s also taken comfort in her friends and newfound (and old) family. Perhaps a bit too much so; her attachment to people often leads to her misreading a situation, which in turn can throw her emotions and her magic off. For Esther, being at Polaris isn’t about learning magic. Long before she knew what it was, she had magic. It’s only a matter of controlling it. No, Polaris means something different to Esther. It’s about learning to control herself, above all else.

INCLINATION

Cancer’s connection with the moon gives them an inclination to the preternatural, even by magic standards. Their skills lie in the fields of psychomancy and divination; but just as the moon controls the waves, Cancer is controlled by their emotions by virtue of water. Cancer’s dependency also can prevent them from taking risks in order to unlock their true magical potential. Their magic is best controlled when their emotions are in check, but their constant waxing and waning can lead to them falling flat.

CONNECTIONS

Filling the role of Marisol Alvarez’s safe haven.

Foster sibling: Another member of the Hughes’ ‘family’, taken in by Polaris at the same time as Esther. These siblings were the first people Esther was able to bond with, and as such, the only ones who can understand the same heartbreak they felt in that home. Regardless of how their relationship may have changed over the years, Esther still thinks of them as family.

Makeshift therapy group: Let’s be real, Esther can’t be the only person at Polaris with unresolved personal trauma. This is someone (or a group of someones) who can gather with Esther as a way to talk through things they might otherwise struggle to say. It’s not official, but it’s some solace.

Penned by Jeanne ★

#cancer.#water.#taken.#jeanne.#student.

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ask-alaska-and-hawaii · 4 years

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TV Tropes: Alaska

Acting Your Intellectual Age: He has the looks of a first-grader but the mind of a seasoned mountaineer and has no interest in connecting with children that look his age. However, this could just be because he has no interest in connecting with anyone outside his ‘pack’ after what happened last time.

Adorkable: Has his moments, such as when he’s gushing about dogs. He really loves dogs.

The Alcoholic: Being Alaska, Alaska has a love for the sauce, especially salmon vodka. This usually leads him to pass out by the end.

Animal Motif: Dogs and wolves obviously. Specifically Alaskan Malamutes and Siberian Huskies for the former and Arctic Wolves for the latter.

Badass Bookworm: Loves to read but is a natural survivalist and gunslinger.

Berserk Button: For your safety, do not mention Russia or Texas within ten feet of him. Also, don’t call him small.

Big Brother Instinct: To Hawaii and by extension the other states if they are threatened as he does genuinely care about all of them even if they do think he’s rather odd.

Big Brother Mentor: Also to Hawaii by sharing his experiences to teach her that the world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. She, however, hasn’t taken on his nihilism and still believes in the best in people.

Big Eater: Given that he smokes marijuana, is a state, and is stress eater this is no big shocker.

Blue-and-Orange Morality: Being raised by wolves, Alaska has a mindset closer to animals than humans. For one Alaska, cares nothing for morality besides protecting his ‘pack’ (America and the other states) and judges things like disloyalty and irresponsibility far more harshly than someone being outright malicious. He also thinks that politicians need to start fighting to the death for their position. Literally. (This also could just be because he just hates politicians since they often lie to gain people’s favor)

Broken Bird: After so many years of tragedy and isolation, Alaska is understandably rather cynical.

Break the Cutie: See ‘Dark and Troubled Past’.

Brooding Boy, Gentle Girl: A platonic version but he is the brooding boy to Hawaii’s gentle girl.

Brutal Honesty: Everyone agrees that Alaska is probably the most honest of the states, however, his honesty is usually extremely impolite to which he just says ‘I say the truth, it’s their fault if they can’t accept’.

Byronic Hero: Alaska is snarky, stoic, stubborn, excessively cynical but is passionate about his beliefs and has a soft spot for the environment and its creatures.

Celibate Hero: While not asexual, he has little interest in ever having sex and it’s not just because he looks six.

Color Motif: White and gray.

Comically Serious: He does not understand jokes so he will often take these at face value.

Crazy-Prepared: Winter’s in his state are intense, so he leaves nothing to chance.

Dark and Troubled Past: Imagine being locked into the form of a baby, abandoned by the people who were supposed to love and protect you, find a new family in wolves only for them to be killed leaving you to survive on your own while looking a like a toddler. When you finally found someone they also die leaving you to want to curl up and die and then be adopted again but seen as odd by your adopted siblings. Yeah, Alaska having depression and anxiety makes a lot of sense.

Deadpan Snarker: Usually this, especially when at states meeting or when he’s answering asks.

Defrosting Ice Queen: Alaska is not an easy person to get along with and can be extremely rude and sarcastic especially to ask blogs that star Texas, however, it is possible for him to warm up to some people outside his family like Dave (@alaska-ask-blog-aph) or at the very least learns the ability to bite his tongue.

Emotionless Boy: Most of the time, he is extremely stoic due to the fact that when he does express emotion, he can come off as rather intense.

Everyone Has Standards: He has a strange morality, however he is openly disgusted by ‘people’ who would rip away children’s innocence.

Foil: To Hawaii. They are both disconnected states and the child of a Native mother and Caucasian parent with trauma happening to them at very young ages which caused them to act the way they do, with Alaska being very stern and no-nonsense while Hawaii is energetic and enjoys making people smile.

Friendless Background: Because of his inability to relate to children his physical age and his autism causing him panic attacks whenever he is in close proximity to others, he has very few friends other than Hawaii.

Friend to All Children: Zigzagged. He doesn’t connect with older children very well but he does have a soft spot for toddlers and babies and even makes an attempt to be openly kind to them. He also considers the worst people the ones who would purposefully steal their innocence and wouldn’t hesitate to pull his gun on such people.

Friend to All Living Things: Hey, I said humans, I never said anything about animals but yes he does love animals particularly dogs, wolves, and eagles.

Good is Not Nice: Not nice is an understatement. He has a strange moral code, is rather rude to new people, and mainly keeps to himself but if someone dares and tries to hurt his little sister or anyone in his family, they better start running.

Guilt Complex: Blames himself for what happened to his crush.

Hates Being Touched: The only one who he will willingly let touch him, much less hug him, is Hawaii. Other than not, hands-off.

Hates Their Parent: Openly refers to Russia as ‘a sperm donor’. And that’s when he’s being nice.

The Hermit: Lives like this whenever he’s at home in his state.

Hidden Depths:

Instead of hockey as one would think, he enjoys figure skating and is actually pretty good.

Not shown on the blog, yet but he actually enjoys the company of toddlers like Nunavut as they are far less complicated than people who are older.

He also enjoys writing and even creates stories in his free time. He also uses it along with his personal journal as a form of therapy for himself.

Huge Guy, Tiny Girl: Brother/Sister version. Alaska is the huge guy to Hawaii’s tiny girl, especially once they’re older where he’ll be at 5′11 to 6′0 to Hawaii’s 5′3. Justified as Alaska is one-fifth the size of the lower 48 and is larger than Montana, California, Texas COMBINED.

Human Mom, Non-Human Dad: While his biological father is Russia, his mother was a normal Yup'ik woman named Uki.

Hypocrite: Alaska calls Russia a ‘cruel, crazy manchild’ when he openly calls for the deaths of anyone who betrays their country. He also wants Hawaii to seek help when he resists any for him.

Hypocrite has a Point: To be fair, being lenient with traitors is a recipe for disaster for this country.

Ice Queen: He’s a rather cold and rude person but still a nice guy underneath.

Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Cynical, rude, stubborn are all words that would accurately describe him but also family-orientated, protective, and generous when he needs to be.

Knight in Sour Armor: He does see the world as a cold and dark and is a self-proclaimed misanthrope but still does his best to protect his family and people.

Meaningful Name: Alaska’s name Inuit name, ‘Nukilik’, means ‘strong’ and given everything, he’s gone through and still living to see today, no one can say he isn’t strong. As for his European name of ‘Peter’ meaning ‘stone’ and he is stone-faced and it’s also a nice reference to Peter the Great of Russia.

Mixed Ancestry: He’s half-Slavic, half-Inuit.

Nature Lover: Growing up most of his life in the forests of Alaska, it makes sense the woods are where he’s most comfortable especially among the animals there. He is also disgusted by hunters who hunt merely for the game and not because they need it.

Not Good with People: Type 2. My beloved grumpy boy is unsurprisingly not good with people as he can’t understand their feelings or why he offended him. However, he is good at reading the feelings of animals and emphasizes more with them.

No Social Skills: Justified due to both his upbringing. He also is very indifferent to having them at the end of the day.

Older Than They Look: Being a state this a given. However where he differs, since he was born in 1800, he’s actually older than most states but since he was basically deserted by Russia he was never given the ability to grow.

Only Sane Man: Certainly sees himself as this among the other states as he feels that they play bloated, bureaucratic politics far too much instead of working together to help their father.

The Pessimist: Alaska physically can’t bring himself to hope in the best in people since all he’s seen was the worst in people since he was young when everyone he loved just ditched him or died.

Raised by Wolves: Played completely straight. After his mother’s tribe abandoned him in the woods an Alpha She-Wolf who had just lost her pups adopted Alaska.

Socially Awkward Hero: Alaska can scale mountains, survive massive earthquakes, and survive on his own for years. However, the ability to interact with humans or even other anthropics is the hard part.

Strong Family Resemblance: Besides his dark skin, black hair, and eye shape, Alaska is basically a younger version of Russia. This has gotten him into quite a bit of trouble like when he was accused of being a communist during the McCarthy era due to his Russian heritage and Belarus has tried to kidnap him on more than one occasion.

Sugar-and-Ice Personality: In spite of cold, loner nature and dislike for society in general, Alaska at his core is a genuinely familial, protective person who just wants to take care of those he cares about. This is best showcased in his relationship with Hawaii, who might be the only person he openly gives affection to and he did go as Elsa twice just to make her happy even if it was embarrassing for him.

Trauma Conga Line: Abandoned, seen as a threat, had his pack murdered, only person he ended up caring about dying, and nearly froze to almost-death. All when he looked 2. Someone get this boy a therapists.

Used to Be a Sweet Kid: When he was young, Alaska was a sweet and gentle boy, even while living with his wolf pack. However, due to the many tragedies in his life, he has become extremely bitter and cynical towards the world.

When She Smiles: Has given a few in some comics and chats. He even admits that the main reason he loves Hawaii (as a sister) is that she is one of the few people who can make him give a genuine smile.

#aph #hetalia #hetalia axis powers #aph alaska #hetalia alaska #aph state #aph states #hetalia state #hetalia states #statetalia

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creative-frequency · 5 years

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Connor|RK800 x Reader: Ocularity Ch. 8

Word count: 2588 Warnings/Categories: Rating up to explicit, romance, friendship, fluff, light angst, bad language, uncle Hank Notes: Right now it’s hard to find time to write, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely with each chapter.

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August 15th 11:54 AM

The anatomy of androids is divided into five categories: Body structure, muscle systems, sensory systems, power source, which is Thirium 310 for all current models in production, and the central computing unit, for which CyberLife has coined the term “the mind palace”.

External testing of the body structure is done mostly empirically by inspecting the android’s structure. For instance, the seams need to be correctly welded with no leaks, and there can’t be any tears or gashes on the surface. Thermal and other methods of scanning radiation can be used if there is a need for deeper examination.

The testing of muscle systems is oriented towards challenging the physical abilities and functions of the android, but it’s impossible to completely separate it from the body structure. It’s better to examine the android as a whole and test all of its capabilities as one working machine unit. One popular method is to push it to its physical limits while overseeing the results.

The sensory systems of an android contain the same main categories as a human’s senses: Sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch. It’s crucial in order to achieve a humane design for androids to have and use these abilities. To increase their humanization, the sensory systems cannot be limited to the five; sense of balance, temperature, proprioception and in some models sexual stimulation, though it works differently from humans, are important.

In most areas, androids’ senses, especially where they’re not based on any specific sensory organ, are superior to humans. Their perception of time, agency and familiarity does not rely on the fragile human memory. The memory components are just computer parts containing information, ones and zeros, that can be copied, extracted and even manipulated like any data.

Without special equipment it’s difficult to test how an android receives the information about its body and the surrounding environment, but it’s easy to measure what information it receives.

The bulk of the physical level in your testing schedule with Connor consist of the muscle and sensory systems. Everything else will overlap with them in some way. After he is clear on the physical functionality, you’ll focus on the social modules, which is more or less your specialty.

“So that presentation about the physiology of androids is what made you pursue a career in the field?” Connor asks, dissipating the cloud of memories in your mind.

You focus back onto his brown eyes. You have only just returned to your office from the company cafeteria where you and Connor were instantly swarmed by eager colleagues. He was not fazed at all by the amount of people who wanted to congratulate and wish good luck to you both. In truth, you were the one who wanted to just grab the cup of tea and run back upstairs.

“Well not entirely… It was more about how he seemed to think that only boys could like robots.” You flash Connor a winning smile, feeling pride of your pettiness decades past.

“I see,” he replies and sets to sit down, “Your colleagues seem to think highly of you. They were eager to see what becomes of us.”

His choice of words entices a tense chuckle out of you and warms your face. You make yourself busy by leaning over the datapad on the desk and start skimming the social relations module list to see if there is anything to mark as checked based on the cafeteria visit. Connor just sits still, slightly looking around with a neutral smile on his face like the perfect plastic sculpture he is.

“Alright, let’s move forward…” you say and straighten your back.

Paragraph seven, physical functions.

Each body part of an android has a specified list of functions – movement area, rotation, strength and so on. It’s the part you’ve been least looking forward to. It’s mechanic, pure numbers that can be measured in pre-defined scales. You just have to order the machine to execute and see does it achieve the promised figures.

Being the most advanced prototype built so far means Connor’s physical abilities are remarkable. He is optimized for strength and speed, and the ultimate limitations derive from the size of his body. The literal heavy lifting part will have to wait for a more suitable environment, but checking the baseline, such as the rotation and angles of joints can be done in your office.

Toes, feet, knees, legs, hips, joints, joints, muscles, more joints… Mostly it’s a boring list to go through, until one sentence makes you so flustered you wish you could clip through the floor.

Why on earth would a detective android need a fully functioning–

“Doctor?” Connor asks when you fall silent. His LED is blinking.

Your gaze jolts up from the datapad and you can feel your ears warming alarmingly.

“Uh, there must be a mistake on the list. I-I’ll notify my superior about it,” you splutter hastily. You try think back to the assembly, cursing why you didn’t pay attention to such details. You were too charmed by the face to even look… down.

How the hell are you supposed to test that?

Looking at the earnest, tranquil smile and the dark depths of the brown eyes in front of you, you know exactly what it would take to conduct a test. The thumping of your heart beats in your ears covers every other sound.

You clear your throat awkwardly and resist the urge to fan your face with something. “Moving on to the next part.”

Connor nods.

“Fine motor skills – wrists, hands and fingers. At this point we’re just looking for flaws in the flow of the motion, so we’ll know your parts are functioning correctly.”

“I understand.”

You move to stand closer to him, realizing you have been unintentionally keeping a distance, when his pleasant scent hits your senses again.

“P-please pick this up using your index finger and thumb.” You hold out a small bead on your palm. The same test is used for infants and judging by the look on Connor’s face, he knows it too.

Is he releasing pheromones? You wonder as your eyes scan the curve of his mouth and dart to the strand of hair on his forehead. Each inhale brings his scent into your lungs and it doesn’t seem to dissipate as it should. It’s annoying and making you woozy. Your feet feel light and refuse to move even when Connor ends the test after using each of his eight different fingers and both thumbs in all possible combinations to carry it out.

You didn’t look at the motions at all.

“Very good, Connor.” The huskiness of your voice surprises you and you try to clear it out. You need to take a step away and use placing the bead to the desk as an excuse.

Next you ask Connor to weave his fingers in the air, to tap them down in a flowing pattern that goes back and forth one at a time.

Connor follows the instructions without even looking, but after he finishes the first motion, you both are staring at his hand in a perturbed silence.

He does it again. And again. An unnerving sensation bloats in your throat.

Fuck.

There is a small, unnatural twitch of his fingers, only a slightest disturbance in the pattern. His expression twists in focus and confusion. It shouldn’t be there.

“Can you feel it?” you ask.

“Yes.”

“Hm.”

You watch him do the motion again.

“There might be a nerve attachment issue,” you suggest.

“I think so too,” Connor agrees.

You don’t want to tear apart the whole android for such an insignificant mistake, but the problem may lie anywhere between Connor’s spine and fingertips. The nerve endings are flexible like rubber bands that are constantly flexed and relaxed. An important part of the system is the durability: The proverbial band can be flexed over and over to ease certain motions. It works just like human’s muscle memory; motions are easier after repetition. In theory, that is.

The problem might occur only in this small gesture, which would make it easily repairable. You can always replace the hand or the whole arm if the issue persists, but it won’t be cheap and so it shouldn’t be your first option. It’s probably just a slight calibration mistake in the assembly.

You need something to force the nerves, like physical therapy.

You walk around your desk to grab your purse and take out your wallet.

“Try with this.”

Connor looks at the coin on your palm before taking it. His LED spins as he is making the curious connection between finger movements and a coin.

The object supports the motion and forces the fingers into the right position. At least that’s how it works in theory, so you hold your breath as Connor tries the motion again. After each clean weave, you inhale just a little and the tight know in your throat loosens.

“It works,” Connor says. The speed of the coin flipping through his fingers increases rapidly.

Calibration is the key. A light huff of relief elates from your lips.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Even though you do yourself.

Connor looks up from the coin in between his fingers. The smile on his face rivals the sun that is tinting the room with light. He looks… impressed, you think in the lack of a better word.

“Interesting solution. Thank you, Doctor. I said it before, but I really look forward to completing these tests with you,” he says in that bewitchingly earnest tone that has your heart make a few extra leaps.

“N-not at all. I’m just doing my job.” You strive for a smile, but it requires the response of too many muscles to work. You’re still booting from being blinded by his smile.

As much as you’re interested in seeing what will come in the future regarding your work with Connor, there is a dangerous tingle in the pit of your stomach you can’t put out: The sizzling embers of a feeling you’re scared to recognize, unwilling to consciously think of. It’s warm and Connor’s smile only makes it glow and itch.

Professionalism with androids can have nothing to do with feelings of any kind. You can’t afford to have your judgment clouded. If the RK800 model turns out to be defective, you need to be ready to make the call. A lot of other people’s work, hopes and money are riding on it.

For the weeks to come, you’ll have to brace yourself for infinite meetings with software engineers, psychologists, and other AI experts and researchers. Soon your calendar will be filled by consultations with specialists of different areas. Hopefully the morgue and some officials of Detroit Police Department will agree to have Connor for a visit. It will be good for him to get to show off his skills before actually joining the Detroit Police.

Now you just need something to keep your head in the game and douse the perilous warmth pooling inside you.

September 14th 10:23 AM

Your boss Ethan’s face peeks from the doorway and he knocks with his knuckles on the open door.

“Got a minute?”

Connor turns to look over his shoulder and you roll the chair away from him. “Of course. What is it?” you say.

Ethan steps inside your office and quickly takes a look around. “I gotta go to a meeting so I thought I’d stop by to make sure you’re coming tonight? It’ll do good for your career.”

Oh shit.

“U-uhh, yes.” Your tone makes Connor turn back to you and eye you suspiciously. “I’ll try.”

Ethan smiles. He knows you hate events like the one in question. He folds his arms over his chest and walks closer, each slow step widening the smile on his face.

“So. Is mister Three going to be put on show tonight?” He downright grins as he takes the tone of a co-conspirator.

“Nope. I broke it off,” you reply hastily and try to ignore Connor’s slightly tilted stare. As long as you’re working with Connor, Three, Four or anyone else is not a topic you wish to bring up in his company. Just to avoid any awkward inquiries concerning your love life.

Ethan rests his hands on his hips. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. What’d he say?”

“’Necessary evil.’” you roll your eyes to the ceiling and glance at Connor. “What does that make me? Doctor Frankenstein? Jeez…”

Ethan shakes his head but can’t help the amused twitch of his lips. “Not the answer you were looking for, I take it?”

You nod once. Connor’s curious brown eyes are still examining your expressions as he listens to the conversation between you and your boss intently. You absent-mindedly wonder does he understand any of it. Can he comprehend the topic and your objectives behind it?

Or who knows, maybe he understands the answer you’re looking for better than you do yourself.

“Well in any case, you won’t have to be alone if you decide to come,” Ethan continues.

Perhaps it’s your worst quality or your boss’s best, but he always knows when you’re not entirely honest with him.

“Yeah, like I said, I’ll try to come”–you give him a weak smile–“No promises, though.”

“Good. I’ll see you there, then!” With that and the smile that has turned into a teasing one, Ethan leaves you sitting in the middle of the room with one confused android.

You lean back in the chair, staring at the ceiling and groan. “Whyyyy…”

Connor’s head tilts even more as you drag your palms down your face. His LED circles a few rounds. You can see the “adapting to human unpredictability”-code flashing in his eyes.

“Doctor, if I may ask, what’s this evening?” His tone is perfectly polite.

You huff and focus on him. “A conference, I guess, but it’s a synonym to ‘boring’. Lots of people I don’t know, and I just have to try to smile and greet everyone.” You heave a sigh. “I’d much rather stay home and… stare at the wall.”

Connor’s brows crease. “Are androids allowed?” he asks.

“I… don’t know actually. Last year I told Ethan I wasn’t feeling well and left early,” you say, completely without shame and hope Connor never brings it up with your boss.

The RK700 model, Connor’s predecessor, was exhibited in the previous year’s event, but it looked really different at that time. You could’ve never guessed you would be the one to ultimately initiate it into production.

“I could accompany you,” Connor proposes.

You seek shelter from his chocolate eyes in the display on the desk. The list of untested social modules is open on it – behavior patterns, adaptation and improvisation, to name a few.

“I know you’re more comfortable in the company of androids,” he continues matter-of-factly.

“Rude, Connor.”

“I’m sorry. It’s what I’ve gathered from observing you these past four weeks.”

You stare at the screen for a moment, thinking, almost letting yourself get excited. You don’t even have a dress because you never were going to go. The occasion is fancy; it’s the highlight event of the year amidst people working with AI. The dress code dictates cocktail dresses for ladies and suits for men.

You would need to rent a suit for Connor, then.

Connor, the most handsome and advanced android model ever created, in a suit.

“Okay then,” you finally say, “but it’s better if we don’t tell anyone you’re an android.”

He smirks and nods. “Got it.”

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Tagging (lmk if you want to be tagged or not): @sevansheart @precursor-ao3 @gberryb @owlwrites @lucianhuntress @singlebecauseofthechocobros @bleucommelhiver @sherniwrites @n-ulll @mccastle-boi @toastyfiction @touzokukana @imaginovator @avispate @kuolematkorjaavat @caladheil @lusiifer @shadows-echoes

#connor x reader #connor #connor rk800 #dbh fanfiction #detroit become human #dbh #fanfiction #ocularity #my writings

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builder051 · 5 years

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Best of 2018: other stuff

I’ve posted lists of my most popular posts and my favorite pieces of my own writing, but I want to take a second to plug some my favorite other stuff. I’m a pretty big media consumer, despite being a little out of touch with what’s popular and newsworthy. But since I tend to hyperfocus and perseverate, you can rest assured that everything on this list has been tested to the limits and truly loved.

Podcasts

The Adventure Zone

Yes, I’m extremely late to the game. If you’re not familiar, this is a live-play fantasy gaming podcast (it started out as D&D, but they’ve expanded) where 3 brothers and their father create amazing adventures with hilarious and relatable characters, perfectly balancing drama with humor and action. It may sound boring, but they’ve created DragonQuest (Balance arc) and Scooby-Doo (Amnesty arc) esque worlds that are easy to get lost in. There’s approximately 100 hours of content so far, so it’s a commitment to catch up, but entirely worth the time.

Books

Sharp Objects and Dark Places by Gillian Flynn

I read Gone Girl years ago, but I was unaware that the author had more books to her name. These are as good as Gone Girl, and arguably creepier. Sharp Objects is beautifully written, with the power of angry words as a central plot point. Dark Places is more suspenseful, and it has more characters, tackling the way in which small actions create ripples in our own lives and those of others. HUGE trigger warnings for both of these. The TWs are spoilers, though, so think of them this way: If you’re a fan of Criminal Minds, you’ll love these books. If you’re not, you probably won’t. Both have emeto in them (and so does Gone Girl). I have a feeling that the author might be a fan of whump. :)

The Adventure Zone graphic novel

See above. They made the podcast into a comic book. It’s genius.

American Vandal

This is a Netflix show that I feel like is simultaneously very popular and something nobody knows exists. It’s been a long time since I lost sleep over a TV show, but I couldn’t rest until I finished the first season. It’s a reality series/documentary following a 15-year-old boy’s quest to investigate a tagging incident for which his classmate has been (wrongfully?) accused. It sounds low-stakes, and it is, compared to something like Serial that investigated a murder, but it rides the line of seriousness and humor that perfectly captures the gravity of teenage life. It’s crass, it’s disgusting, it takes an inordinate amount of time to lay out the details of summer camp hookups and phone pranks, and yet it also shows a boy’s deep-seeded worries about how his actions will affect his college and career choices. The series is amazingly well produced, considering that it’s the product of high school sophomores working out of their school’s media center. It’s the kind of show you’ll watch on the edge of your seat the first time, then continue to giggle at it for weeks afterward.

The Vietnam War

Yes, one of those PBS Ken Burns documentaries. If it’s not your cup of tea, I understand. It didn’t used to be mine. But this isn’t the kind of film you fell asleep to in history class. The narration balances geography, history, and government lessons with real-life anecdotes, all presented with original footage of the most-photographed war. I’m a nut for the era, but it’s an incredibly poignant viewing experience that brings a lot to the table. Segments on music, pop culture, protesting, and the perspectives of various cohorts (African Americans, Viet Cong, those who fled to Canada, nurses, children of refugees, etc.) combine into a patchwork story that’s well worth the viewing time.

Sharp Objects

As discussed above, this is a thriller/mystery adapted from the page to a miniseries for HBO (but google it and you can stream for free). Amy Adams portrays the main character, and it’s about 75% true to the book. It’s not as good as the book, as most of these things turn out to be, but it is good. Lots of angst, illness/injury, emeto, etc. But, as I said, it’s like Criminal Minds in terms of content. TWs abound.

Films

First Man

This is a perfect film. It’s a biopic, and there’s not a lot of action, but it’s thought provoking. It’s exceptionally well-written, the acting is spot-on, and the music and visuals are beautiful. It makes a man’s extraordinary experiences into something intimate and relatable by de-mystifying it. Fight with the wife, swim with the kids, go to the moon, ho hum. Tis the rhythm of life. It’s all presented at the same pace, with much gravity (pun intended) given to body language and well-placed symbolism. It’s definitely a shoe-in for awards, and it’s my pic for Best Picture.

Isle of Dogs

This is a bizarre piece, but it’s genius. A bit like American Vandal in its way of being simultaneously sincere and off the wall, this animated film occupies an awkward collegiate space--it’s not for kids, yet not really geared for adults. It’s funny, cynical, and very sad, though it’s not that kind of sad dog movie (again, spoilers, but I’ll say that it’s ok to get attached to your favorite characters). This film is art, for sure, and it’s also extremely enjoyable.

Boy Erased

This is a tough watch, because the TWs are the plot: A boy struggles to come to terms with his sexuality and recover from the trauma of sexual assault while participating in an abusive conversion therapy course. There are no plot twists. It’s exactly what it sounds like. But the acting is gorgeous, especially Lucas Heges as the main character and Nicole Kidman as his mother. It’s a beautifully angsty movie. It has a largely hopeful ending, but there are almost no lighthearted moments. All the same, it has a satisfying feel, and didn’t make me feel down when I left the theater.

Colette

This is the ceiling-shatterer of this awards cycle. As promised in glimpses of the trailer, it’s ground breaking in its portrayal of female agency and LGBT characters in a historical context. The beginning is a bit slow and Jane Austen-ish, but from the midpoint to the end, there are multiple mind-blowing revelations and shocking lines that take the story from a little known page of history to a spectacle representative of the Parisian salon culture from whence it came.

Cam

I know this is a strange choice. It’s a second-rate, made-for-Netflix pseudo-thriller about camgirls and the horrors of modern technology. The reason it’s on my list, though, is because it’s very obviously meant to compete with Assassination Nation (even using some of the same actors), and, unlike its big-budget counterpart, it actually hits its mark. It forces the viewer to think about the lines between respect and abuse, exploitation and sex work, and the meaning of privacy in an increasingly digitized world,

Art

Artsnacks

Subscription boxes are nothing new, but I’m especially pleased with this one. Instead of just sending stuff, it cultivates a community. You receive a box of 4 to 6 art products (typically a pencil, a couple pens and markers, and a paint and/or brush--things that are expendable, so you don’t accumulate junk even as a long-time subscriber) and a piece of candy. The game is to use all the products in the box to create a piece and post it on social media, then connect with other artists. Artsnacks also releases collections and pushes additional challenges (such as Inktober) that encourage skill development and interaction among participants.

#best of 2018 #laur talks #laur recommends

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pathhyena · 6 years

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Depression: It bad

This might be an awful idea, but hyenas sort of thrive on those so who knows.

Hi everyone! Hey what’s been on the news lately?! Right, suicide. That sucks. (Great start hyena). I didn’t know the folks who passed very well, but I remember when Robin Williams took his life, and that threw me for a loop. Celebrities are weird because we have some connection to them even though they’ll likely never know we exist. We sort of support them en masse and they serve an invisible army hungry for their content. When they pass away, it hurts, because we have that powerful emotional one-way connection. I get that.

The bad news is that’s going to happen a lot. It used to not happen as much because we only had radio and TV and 30 channels so the celebrity delivery pipelines were relatively small. That’s why the news still announces every death in the mornings. Today, with social media, fandom structures, indie streaming, a million channels, and more movies and music delivery streams than ever, the number of celebrities has exploded. This is really cool because now there isn’t some centralized control over who we get access to, it’s really nicely wide open. What this also means though is that in the coming years we’ll hear about a lot more passing’s of really cool people. I think to a limited degree we saw this with Bourdain, whose content was delivered on an expansive cable frontier, and Avicii, who benefited from less centralized control over music. These are still all- stars in their fields, so they may be weak examples, but I just think we’ll see a lot more of this down the line.

Celebrity life is really crazy. It’s demanding. They read a lot of critical reviews of themselves as people, and sometimes the motivations that drive you towards fame are also internally destructive. Creativity as a force is often (not always!) cruel, and the drive to find approval from a mass audience often comes along, and often doesn’t come from the greatest places. Even far removed from who we were as teenagers, our darker angels live within us for decades. We all get better at dealing with them, but they certainly still exist.

When a celebrity takes their own life, there is a documented spike in suicides across the world, most notably in demographics similar to that individual. Partly this makes a lot of sense: someone we understand who looks and feels similar to ourselves lost their daily battle, and maybe it’s okay if we do, too. I heard a sociologist on NPR explaining that suicide is now normalizing, and that struck me as odd. I don’t know how it seems to other people, but it’s always been a glaring option to me. I didn’t need news articles to tell me it was an option, it’s something I used to think about.

Suicide is a thing a lot of us think about, and that doesn’t make us weird. It’s an odd existential exercise that the brain sometimes likes to meander into then shriek away from. Like how when I’m high up I think, wow that jump would suck (I am consequently scared of heights). That’s not all that abnormal, I don’t think. The issue comes when the exercise becomes less thought and more dangerous solution, less pondering and more considering. Some folks don’t feel like they have a lot to lose, even though realistically we have everything to lose. Decades of die rolls and adaptations and new friends around a corner we can’t see, but in that moment none of that seems likely, or maybe even all that great. We as people can’t help but view the entire span of a lifetime but through the lens of today, of right now. Tomorrow is forever away.

People keep begging us online to remember how valuable life is, they keep sending us suicide hotline numbers. One tweet I saw going around had the number for every country, in case someone speaking English in Turkey needed the suicide hotline for their nation. I have to be honest, I don’t know how qualified I am to respond to these; I haven’t felt a considerable level of suicide drive since I was 23. I didn’t want to take my own life since it would probably hurt and also it would make my mother sad and that would suck, but y’know if something would have magically end my life painlessly and without fault assigned that would have been cool. Nothing magically made that better but time, but I also had a lot of good friends to talk me through the really crazy thoughts.

I made very little sense back then. (I make only slightly more now.)

What I tend to find with depression is that it ebbs and flows. That’s not true for everyone, I’ve read, with the worst cases being times where apathy sets in and just stays for years. In that scenario nothing is good, nothing is bad, and everything is nothing. It’s a familiar numbness to the entrance and exit of a depressive wave. I think the brain just burns out, and it takes a while to recover. But there’s a period for a lot of us where it’s just really harsh, and I think that’s what those hotlines are for. Maybe you don’t have anyone you trust to talk to about something, you don’t have an emotional connection, and distant tweets from distant strangers don’t do it for you. That’s otherwise really hard, because you have to get through it on your own. I’ve had those nights too. It’s certainly possible to recover from the really bad times on your own (if not required sometimes), but it helps to have a receptive mind on the other end of your painful thoughts. Just something on the other end to reflect and consider. Sometimes that can turn things around, but usually it doesn’t. It’s good at getting you to the next clear moment, where maybe you can recover, find some respite.

And here’s the thing with going to a friend for help – they often want to “fix” you. And it doesn’t work, and then after a few more rounds (this stuff comes in rounds usually), they get frustrated and they check out. Even the good friends do, they just get exasperated. Okay this definitely isn’t true for ALL friends. But here’s a hint to the good allies out there: You can’t fix someone with these issues, we must work them out for ourselves.

“You only talk to me when you’re depressed.” Yes, because that’s the only time I’m in enough pain to overcome debilitating social anxiety.

“You don’t really say anything.” I don’t know what to say, all my thoughts are awful.

“Why are you so negative all the time.” Why is the sky blue.

“This is really hard to hear every week.” I know. I know that, and I feel bad talking to you, I just don’t know what else to do.

And therapy isn’t a magic bullet. You need a good therapist, and sometimes the right drug combination and that’s its own mess. I encourage folks to take this route, but it’s not a fast lane. You often need a mix of stuff. You need exercise so your body doesn’t get sad on your brain’s behalf, friends to get you through the hard times and share your realizations, helpful information to help you fight your battles more strategically, an ability to adjust your tactics when you’re in a good place, and sometimes professionals who can help you understand what’s going on. You may be helped by medication that can help you find clarity.

That’s a lot! And it takes years, and I know that’s frustrating. Humans live for decades, and even through your bad years you often add a lot of value to the world in weird little uncelebrated ways. We can even have a lot of worthless years and find our way to a net positive life. It’s just hard to see that. You have to take it on faith. I’m not much for hope myself, I’m weird that way. But some things you have to take on faith. If you keep fighting, the probability is over time you can find the tools to make it just a little bit easier. And sometimes that’s all we need. We don’t need to be “fixed”. Just make things a little bit easier. And then we can start from a better palace, another foothold in this mountain climb.

We need people to help us be okay with the tumbles, though. There will be a lot of setbacks. Recovery is a long game.

And maybe this is morbid, but consider Robin Williams for a moment. He struggled constantly, and in the end, he “lost”. He went a long time though. If it was cancer, we would have celebrated his valiant struggle. It wasn’t, though, it was self destruction, so it feels like just this great, avoidable loss.

It isn’t, tho. Depression is much like cancer, there is a physical cause, and just because we overcome it psychologically that doesn’t diminish how difficult that is. When you think, when you process ideas or even daydream, you literally change the physical construction of your brain. You rewire. There’s a physical change. When we learn to work with and around our depression we are literally adapting to difficult wiring with re-routed wiring. Depression is a physical malady. When someone loses their struggle, it’s very sad.

But it’s not their fault. It’s not our fault. It’s no one’s “fault”. Sentience is so complex. There are millions of adaptive super computers we call brains and sometimes they have difficulty and we struggle. The tragedy, I feel, is when someone loses to a “spike” – those moments that inexplicably are so much worse. That’s what the hotlines are for, y’know. They get you through those potentially fatal spikes, and maybe there’s a longer term way out.

There are people that have died because they didn’t have someone with an emotional connection to talk to. That’s a stark truth. Now someone to talk to isn’t going to fix anything, necessarily, but if you have a really harsh downswing, and there’s no one there, it’s so easy to give in to the reality your troubled mind constructs. How do you overcome a misperceived reality when your own mind is telling you what’s real? That answer is complicated. We have a lot of minds in us, and we can sort of call on our other sections of thought to help get us through. We can find our way through creativity, practiced mental exercises, or even forcing ourselves to think logically through a mental storm. Those are tools we learn how to use, but they’re hard to use when the awful part of the brain is literally screaming at us. Like trying to have a conversation with a screaming baby behind you on a plane. What helps a lot in the really bad times is another person to sort of generate words for us, and that’s why the good friends are so important.

But we also burn those friends out, and you sort of need a network to spread that responsibility around. But so often it’s hard to trust, and without vulnerability you can’t really care about the person on the other end. Without a fully functioning personality it’s difficult to find that bigger network. People are also stressful and sometimes awful. Sometimes they even make stuff worse.

This sounds like a lot, right? It sounds hard. It IS hard. Folks should understand how Catch 22 in nature depression is.

I have several people who only talk to me when they’re just really, really depressed. They don’t say they’re depressed usually, just small talk, and we banter, and they feel better. Lonely is it’s own kind of hell. I’m okay with these folks, to be honest. I don’t mind being that person. I’m glad I can help in little ways. Maybe it adds up.

I mean I’ve also had people just message me with no effort every day and they’re basically using me as a background television station because they’re bored, and that’s less great. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other.

Anyway I’ll finish with this. Depression isn’t your fault, and feeling like you’re at wit’s end isn’t weakness. There is something wrong with you but it’s your fault as much as it’s someone’s fault for getting the flu. Now there are dumb things you can do when you get the flu – you don’t go run a mile or stop drinking water, right? There are basic measures to be taken, and that’s true for depression. Don’t indulge your demons and try to take care of your body when you’re able (your body can create it’s own depression). When the flu wears off we do things to recover and get back to 100%, and when depression gives us a break we should be documenting, pondering, and trying to fight our awful thoughts.

Another good flu analogy is seeking mental healthcare (which yes I know is not a great system today) makes sense when your brain is that ill. As with any physical malady, and no amount of willing it away is going to fix it. Telling someone with a 104F fever that they should suck it up is about as helpful as feeling like you shouldn’t need to go to a therapist because we should all be Very Strong People.

If you’re basically fighting the good fight, the overall tenor of where you are today is absolutely not your fault. It’s not a weakness, you don’t suck. You’re given the life you have by who you are and who you were.

Today is yours, and you can control how you react to today. Yesterday is already fucked, and that’s okay. You’re you today. The point of today is to make tomorrow a little better.

To that end, I’m okay with being someone’s desperate cold call on the way to oblivion, which is to say that if you just can’t stand life anymore and you don’t have anyone, it’s okay to message a hyena and say like, “fuck I don’t know what to do, you wrote that I could say hi to you and I could unload and you wouldn’t eat me (that might be a lie, that last part), so I’m taking a risk.” (You don’t have to curse.)

Now I know it’s a shitty thing to say, “Hey if you need someone come talk to me”, cause people are utterly fucking terrifying and how do you talk to someone you don’t know well, especially if they’re “fandom popular” (which has it’s own complications). What if you’re wasting someone’s time, what if you have nothing to say, what if you say something dumb, etc.

If I can’t talk right now, I can tell you, and I think you’d understand. If you have nothing to say we can talk about curtains. You can’t waste my time unless you’re just doing the bored no effort “I’m fine but entertain me” thing people sometimes do when they’re younger and haven’t figured that part out yet. Beyond that, honestly I’ve been where you are and the quality of conversation doesn’t even have to be great, it just has to be someone else out there. I’ll read your words and respond. I can’t be your best friend, and I’m sorry about that, but let’s be honest we’re not looking for best friends we are literally looking for anybody to show some compassion and care about our struggle, even if just briefly.

You may not know me except for reputation, or tweets, or even just this dumb tumblr post. That’s okay. You can look at my tweets and see that maybe I am weird because I think I am a hyena online and paws are pretty cool, and if you don’t think I’m awful (enough) and you really need someone, say hi.

As a disclaimer obviously if we have a prior history this may not work, because I am a person you have history with and am not actually a volunteer stranger on the end of a phoneline.

Dear person in a Very Bad Place: I may not be able to find you in time to say the right words. If you reach out to me, *I* may not have the right words. But we can try, and at least that’s something. I might be at work or laggy or depressed myelf, but I can tell you that, and I trust you to not take it so personally because you are a people and I am too.

If direct contact is scary, send me a reply on Twitter. We can use a code phrase, it can be “Foxes are very strange.” It’s true. As a corollary, sometimes my notifications get slammed and I might miss that (Twitter is bad at volume delivery), but I wanna still offer it as a sort of option.

Life is hard. I get that. If I can make your struggle a little easier, and you’re in a bad way, maybe I can help.

I feel like this is probably true for a lot of people on Twitter, and I bet there are folks who will read this and might reply “Hey me too, I would like to be this person too”. I don’t want to name names cause I don’t want to volunteer people who may not be in a good place themselves. You never know people’s lives.

ANYWAY, thanks for reading 3000 words, have a gold star. I hope any of this was helpful, and I mean the thing at the end except for the not eating you part. I have a reputation to maintain, you see.

@pathhyena on Twitter

P.S. I am especially bad at tumblr comments because I am extremely old.

Also adding ten more words to make it exactly 3000.

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newscheckz · 3 years

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THESE IS MY DEAD LIFE WITH A NARCISSIST

New Post has been published on https://newscheckz.com/a-near-perfect-description-of-a-narcissist/

THESE IS MY DEAD LIFE WITH A NARCISSIST

WHAT IS NARCISSIST?

Narcissistic personality disorder IS one of several types of personality disorders.

Is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.

Narcissistic personality disorder: IS A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.

Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors.

Symptoms include an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others’ feelings, an inability to handle any criticism and a sense of entitlement.

The disorder needs to be diagnosed by a professional. Treatment involves talk therapy.

Thanks so Much Elves for your support. Now this is my true story. I hope someone will learn from my experience and make the best decision soon possible.

I feel blessed to know there is someone who understands deeper what a narcissist is. I was once there.

He started politely by saying let’s talk. In that talk it was all about him setting rules some I would agree to others disagree. He would call me hard headed.

He served the rule of the clothes I should wear, no more short and mini dresses. several times he would tell me to avoid high heels.

He would complain of my good job performance and say you should do the same in this house, he would say when he gets able I should not even go to work.

He would not allow me buy any item for the house. He always said he is the man who will buy, which he did not.

He said his father wouldn’t allow the mother to buy anything. He hated my friends and told me to avoid them.

He hated it when I was on any social media platform he claimed they misled women. He said I should not comment on any post.

He always asked if I discussed my life with anyone. He was unhappy and tried so that I do not go home to visit my parent.

He would go out and come back late or in the morning. I should not ask or comment if I did it was a fight.

He would try and investigate my phone. complained of my passwords yet he had on his phone too. He would go to shower and switch his phone off. go to the toilet with it yet it had a password yet I should say no word.

He kept me off his relatives for I would tell them the truth. He would act funny like sleep on the couch in the name of he is upset, refuse to eat food in the name of he is unhappy.

He would borrow my cash not to return and instruct me that my brothers should help my parents not me. He would get hurt when I started ignoring his threats of leaving the relationship.

He would brag of how he had relationships with some ladys and how he gave them a good treat he later left them regretting, how he gave them money.

He never talked of future plans, he never talked of investing and savings. He was a slave of debts yet working.

I developed a thick skin to threats and lived my life. I was called rude and always referred to as a woman of no respect.

He always wanted you to pretend in public. Would tell me I join ‘chama za wamama’ womens merry-go-round groups to teach me how to be fully submissive to a man.

I should ask for permission before I think of doing anything. He one day came in and told me we sort issues. It felt like a forceful act that was not working. He left and went to the mothers place. I left too.

Now I can see my foolishness of not walking away on time. I can see the other side of the world. I feel confident, I can go to the gym again. I can dress well to go for coffee with my friends.

I am now responsible and happy. I can sleep at least for 6hrs. My blood pressure is now normal. I feel I can leave longer. Am I rude, disrespectful or I am a kind who refuse to be manipulated?

We will continue describing how narcissists look like to help victims know what they’re dealing with and to stop nursing vain hopes of change, wasting their lives and their sanity in the process.

NEWSCHECKZ TELEGRAM ANNOYMOUS COMMENTS:

This is exactly what I went through. Choosing of hairstyle, clothing, shoes, stopping me from doing my hustle. Stopping me from seeing my friends or making sure no friend checked on me. Stopped me from seeing my mum…… He wanted me to be indoors all along even going to the shop was a problem. The moment one realizes that they can no longer play victims of such a lifestyle, they are told that they are too rude & don’t have respect at all. They start making it look like you are the bad person here causing problems because out there, they portray a picture of responsible & respectful person. That life is painful for one to even start thinking of enduring it not to think of the person in question changing. A narcissist is a narcissist no matter how sweet they talk or pretend to be. Once one finally loosen from their grip they feel so bad & start blaming you from your back with lots of abusive words because they can no longer have control over you.

I went through that and more. I was more educated than him so i was always guilty tripped cause of that. There were times when I was told no speaking english in this house, i didn’t need friends for he is there, had to ask permission to go to church many a times the answer would be no for no apparent reason. I wasn’t allowed on social media at all! To visit my family was a crime. Life was just one hell of a heavy thing. It took me longer than necessary but i thank God i broke free. Life is now easier, more meaningful and hey i am even on facebook!!!

We need as many advocates of change out here, especially in churches to teach about this issue so that as many can hear. Lack of knowledge about Narcissm is a weapon that the devil has used to oppress women and men in marriage

Now,this is all they do;make you doubt your sanity..see u even asking what you know you are not. To me,healthy boundaries are best.cut connections with people who are toxic, whoever

Its been a year since I left a narc life has not been smooth but God will remember us

I left with my daughter..it was hard time,still healing emotional abuse mentally breaks someone,not there yet but regaining myself worth and confidence back.i would not wish anyone to be in such a relationship…people view narcs as the best people but we know them best….one step at a time…

I have been there. But am happy am off the hook now.

Ladies the earlier you move out the better. Believe me You will never regret it . It gives you a new chapter in your life.

This is Soo true..I can write a book,for over a decade living with a narcissist but he always shifted the blames on me,not mentioning the insecurities. I Thank God now I’m free,I can now sleep without having those daily sleepless nights.

NEWSCHECKZ TELEGRAM MEMBERS Q & A ON Narcissism

Know someone who expects constant admiration, who thinks they’re better than everyone else, but flies off the handle at the slightest criticism? These tips can help you recognize and cope with a narcissist.

What are the 9 traits of a narcissist?

Nine Signs and Symptoms of Narcissism

Grandiosity. Exaggerated sense of self-importance. …

Excessive need for admiration. …

Superficial and exploitative relationships. …

Lack of empathy. …

Identity disturbance. …

Difficulty with attachment and dependency. …

Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom. …

Vulnerability to life transitions.

What causes a person to become a narcissist?

Causes of narcissistic personality disorder are like childhood abuse or neglect. excessive parental pampering.

unrealistic expectations from parents. sexual promiscuity (often accompanies narcissism).

Can someone be slightly narcissistic?

It’s perfectly possible to feel or act a little narcissistic, even unpleasantly so, without having what would be classed as a disorder.

A person whose personality is strongly characterized by narcissistic traits may act obnoxious and difficult, but still not have a disorder.

Do narcissists know they are hurting you?

Sometimes this is simply an unintentional byproduct of their self-centeredness. Other times it is quite intentional and is usually payback for some behavior that has angered or disappointed them.

In that situation, they do know that they are hurting you, but they simply do not care.

What are the 4 types of narcissism?

They’re self-absorbed, entitled, callous, exploitative, authoritarian, and aggressive. Some are physically abusive.

These unempathetic, arrogant narcissists think highly of themselves, but spare no disdain for others.

What does narcissistic abuse feel like?

They say that they feel insane and often question themselves. They lose trust in those close to them, such as family or friends.

They feel that the narcissistic person is the only person who deems them worthy. They’re often feeling insecure or ashamed of their work or creativity.

Do Narcissists hold grudges?

Someone with covert narcissism may hold grudges for a long time. When they believe someone’s treated them unfairly, they might feel furious but say nothing in the moment.

Instead, they’re more likely to wait for an ideal opportunity to make the other person look bad or get revenge in some way.

Can a narcissist change?

“Narcissists are capable of change but it’s not easy,” she said. “They are also capable of empathy once they engage in the hard work of truly knowing themselves at the deepest emotional level, facing the underlying shame and insecurity and loneliness that often lies beneath their blustery exterior.”

What do narcissists want sexually?

Narcissists‘ sexual preferences are often very specific. In bed, the narcissist may have very explicit ideas about what their partner should do or even say.

They want the narrative to play out in a certain way, and they don’t have patience for changes to the script. This has to do with their lack of empathy.

Can a narcissist love you?

Amorous narcissists (Don Juan and Mata Hari types) are adept and persuasive lovers and may have many conquests, yet remain single.

Some narcissists lie and/or practice love-bombing by overwhelming their prey with verbal, physical, and material expressions of love.

What happens to victims of narcissistic abuse?

People on the receiving end of narcissist emotional abuse tend to have very low self-esteem and interpret those issues which cause them difficulty as being the result of their inherent inadequacies.

Do I have PTSD from narcissistic abuse?

Symptoms of Complex PTSD in Narcissistic Abuse include:

* Feeling stuck (and confused about why). * Having nightmares or flashbacks. * High level of hyperarousal; anxiety, nervousness, feeling jumpy, obsessive thinking, racing thoughts, feeling scared, agitated, stressed, overwhelmed, emotional, etc.

What type of trauma causes narcissism?

The development of narcissistic traits is in many cases, a consequence of neglect or excessive appraisal.

In some cases, this pathological self-structure arises under childhood conditions of inadequate warmth, approval and excessive idealization, where parents do not see or accept the child as they are.

CONCLUSION

Ending an abusive relationship is never easy. Ending one with a narcissist can be especially difficult as they can be so charming and charismatic, at least at the start of the relationship or if you threaten to leave.

It’s easy to become disoriented by the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, caught up in the need to seek their approval, or even to feel “gaslighted” and doubt your own judgement.

If you’re codependent, your desire to be loyal may trump even your need to preserve your safety and sense of self.

But it’s important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied, threatened, or verbally and emotionally abused in a relationship.

There are ways to escape the narcissist and the guilt and self-blame and begin the process of healing.

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