#Me : *does something stupid & gets killed*

[transmascutena]

thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder

#akio and utena #m #long ramble in the tags sorry: #the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human #he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims #he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry. #and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios #(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think. #like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her #i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing #not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that. #and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did #but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her? #whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway #idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims #the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it? #how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions. #(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive #but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.) #when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her #but is there something genuine there too? i don't know. #again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me. #on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had #reflected back at him through her mean anything? #is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid. #either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over. #i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways) #but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly #wants you to analyze and think about. #which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.

[vulpinesaint]

listen i am geralt of rivia hater number one but one thing i actually CANNOT stand is when the fandom mischaracterizes him. took one look at this man who speaks very straight-forwardly and matter-of-fact and is a little recalcitrant with his words sometimes and went "haha he communicates in grunts! man who only says 'hm'!" and then won't even write him to speak in full fucking sentences. hello???? hello???????? yes the netflix show was a bad influence on everybody because they were trying too hard to depict geralt as a stoic manly badass but we CANNOT let that distract us from the REAL thing to make fun of geralt for. which are his Constant Unprovoked Monologues

#also the fact that he fakes his dumb stupid little rivian accent because the man was NOT raised in rivia. but i digress #'haha he only says hm!' where were you for every episode when he launched into a speech about the lesser evil. that's like. the whole thing #geralt of rivia will do nothing But talk once you let him. don't give that bitch a chance! he'll start up about honor again!!! #convinced that most of this is because netflix show insisted on showing us him around jaskier so much #and jaskier does not shut up. love him to death. but geralt genuinely does not have time to get a word in edgewise #i will admit that this is something that i had to learn by reading the books and paying more attention to it #but it's not like he DOESN'T do it in the show. if you ever sit with a witcher episode transcript for whatever reason #and really take a look at geralt's lines. man he talks a whole fucking lot. #again cannot emphasize enough that he Monologues. HE TALKS HIS WAY OUT OF SO MANY SITUATIONS. #me when i look filavandrel of the elves in the eyes and 'hm' at him and he lets me go. no bitch he monologued!!!! #terrible. terrible. let this man speak. if i see you fanfic bitches continue making him talk in sentence fragments again i'm gonna kill #as for my own fanfic. i will always prefer a geralt who talks too much to be believable over a geralt who barely speaks at all. #both because i believe in letting him speak his mind which he OBVIOUSLY likes to do. sideeyes him. #and because it's just fucking boring and a little annoying to read speech patterns that don't sound like how people talk. #cough cough lan wanji the untamed. man i'm not sitting here and reading this motherfucker's two word sentences #let him speak!!!!!! #anyway. #geralt of rivia #the witcher #fanfic

[theshadowrealmitself]

Me: Okay, gotta go to sleep so I can wake up early and continue stressing over finals, so I’m gonna think calm scenarios with low stakes to fall asleep to

Me: Like…an older captain having a crush on a younger crewmate that wasn’t even ranked high enough to be on the bridge, so the captain of course never said or did anything about the crush, staying completely professional the entire time, but now they don’t work together anymore

Me: And now the captain is wondering if they should pursue a relationship with them, because they aren’t currently working on the same ship anymore, but the captain is still ranked higher then them overall, and then there’s the issue with the age gap, it’s not really a big one, but it’s still There™️

Me: And several other crewmembers have joked about seeing the captain as a parent figure because they act so professional and competent and dependable and stuff that it just makes the captain come across as way older and oh god what if the crewmate is just horrified to find out the captain has a crush on them??

Me: And they’re wondering if they should just not pursue anything, especially since the crewmate has recently accepted to go on a date with another person, but they also kinda don’t wanna give up because getting to hang out with that crewmate more in non-work settings (cause most of the crew stayed in contact and constantly meet up to hang out) has made their infatuation grow, so they quietly and indecisively pine

My brain, for some goddamn reason: Mhm, and then, it turns out that person the crewmate agreed to go on a date with, is actually a huge creep trying to stalk their poor ex using the crewmate as a coverup (claiming to innocently be on a date, totally unknowing the ex would be there (lies)), so not only is the date really crappy, but because this creep isn’t actually listening to what the crewmate is saying, they tune them out about their deadly allergies

Brain: And then to seem like a good date to keep the coverup going, they stop by a flower shop (still stalking their ex, the crewmate isn’t aware of that, but is aware this date sucks and is trying to think of how to politely leave) rushes in, and then comes out and shoves a bouquet into the crewmate’s face as a “thoughtful” gift, and it’s the flowers they just mentioned being extremely allergic to-

#no fandom #humans #surprisingly no one mentioned in this post is an alien #there is some but they’re side characters #wasn’t sure how one of them (like maybe the captain) being an alien would add to the dynamic #was thinking about it but I was like ‘what kind of alien would even fit with them?’ #anyways #my stupid fucking brain. that isn’t low stakes. I’m trying to SLEEP #conversations between me and my brain #still not sure what the age gap should actually be #not something huge especially since I’m imagining the crewmate as 23 #but enough where it does feel a bit like a gap and may make a power imbalance seem bigger #if you wanna know what happens with the flower stuff #my brain has decided that because the stalking creep is also an officer of the organization #that the situation gets pushed to the higher ups and now it’s like a court case where the crewmate is like: #’this was obviously an attempt on my life!! I just said this flower would kill me check the tapes from that area!!’ #and the stalking creep is stuck trying to figure out how to defend themselves without mentioning that their focus was on their ex #because they’re a creep #hmmm I think they should get hit with a space restraining order at minimum and can’t be anywhere in the area #which helps out the poor ex who’s blissfully unaware of this and now doesn’t have to worry about this creep anymore

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread

The Sun and The Void

Venezuelan inspired high fantasy

follows a young outcast swordswoman taken in by her grandmother, the dark sorceress for a noble family, who relies on the magic to keep her alive after being attacked by monstrous creatures

and a young noblewoman who’s the shame of her family because of her mixed heritage and desire to use magic

both are manipulated by those with more power than them into a plot to free an ancient evil god

mineral based magic, politics, nonhuman MCs

#The Sun and The Void #aroaessidhe 2023 reads #hm. haha. surface level this is kinda interesting and cool but i am going to follow with so many complaints #though I feel like it didn’t go into the magic or worldbuilding as much as I wanted and it felt irrelevant to the characters #like how does the magic even work? idk man #though I feel like it didn’t go into it as much as I wanted and it felt irrelevant to the characters #very slow to start and the pacing is weird. it would also go ages without having the other POV. very disjointed? #it felt like the first 60% was just context for the group of characters getting together as a group and then it was a bit predisposed with #They’re A Group! even tho. they're barely a group for long #the authors note mentions that the story concept started with a line about the god and ritual and…..yeah I can kind of tell #I feel like everything was built up around it in a way that ultimately that part didn’t fit right #I never bought that any of them were actually like fully committed to the evil dark magic? and also there’s this plot twist #that they have to fully kill the sacrifices & I was like…did we not already know that? girl r you stupid what do you think sacrifice means #also #oh my god at like half way one of the MCs is like. oh finally this guy who I’ve been exchanging letters with for months turned up to get me #away from here! by the way I’ve been exchanging letters with this guy and we’re friends! and like. she’d been doing nothing much for the #last 10% of the book why was that not like….shown as something she was doing? and like build up the friendship for the reader instead of #just dropping it on us - and also that we know the character from the other POV. and hes a racist prick. and we're supposed to believe she' #charmed by him because of this letter writing WE DIDN’T SEE….. why. #and then also that is like. he’s a shitbag and it’s obviously not romantic at all. he’s manipulative and terrible to her #EXCEPT at the end it implies his bad behaviour is because demon and oh uwu he gets all beat up and maybe hes sowwy now #and starts to imply she likes and is attracted to him? and I get the impression the next book is gonna be like evil power couple dynamic? #which. feels like the first concept the author had; and then tried to build up to that but not effectively lmao #for the lesbians: #I DO APPRECIATE having an assumed love interest then realising that that was idealised and actually you have feelings #for this other person you’ve become friends with! nice slow switch up. though quite brief #I do however dislike that when she admitted her feelings to the first LI and she rejected her it was still framed as the other’s fault #for not reciprocating the feelings….worst trope….also like. it kind of conflated her not feeling that way to her having a bit of class disc #which. yikes? oh my god stop villainising people for not reciprocating romantic feelings (ALSO they turn out to be related anyway 🤪) #i just feel like the romance switchover could have been done with more nuance and complexity

[katnissgirlsmakedo]

i don’t mean this to sound homophobic or whatever but some queer people literally cannot conceptualize that they actively look down on things they consider “basic” or “straight” with an insane level of contempt no matter how much they say they support everyone and everything. like. if i tell you i love riverdale because it’s campy and fun and you give me that look of disgust because you perceive riverdale as some basic lame straight people show. that’s not very like. nice. and then you refuse to hear me out in my show’s defense… and you just wave me off with a “whatever like whatever you like” but you’re still looking at me like i’ve just ordered a pumpkin spice latte while wearing ugg boots and listening to taylor swift. like at a certain point when will you admit you’re not actually very nice about people’s interests that don’t align with yours.

#i just brought up wonka to my friend and she immediately went into how much she doesn’t like timothee chalamet and she would never see this #stupid movie because she thinks he’s so annoying and da da da. #and i was like. well actually i love timothee chalamet i think he’s funny and i’d love to see him in a bad musical… #and i brought this up. because i was GOING to lead into asking her to see it with me so we could laugh at all the stupid parts together #and i didn’t even get there because she was frankly just such a hater #this is the real life friend who just followed me on letterboxd btw #i’m considering blocking her honestly because like. i do not vibe with the way she uses that website and i do not think it needs to be a #social media thing for us. it’s a little insane actually that she would actively want to follow me on there and then her own profile is so. #like it’s mean to say her profile sucks but she doesn’t have a picture or favorites and she doesn’t leave reviews and like. what am i #following you for!!!! why do you use this website!!!! #and i literally said to her girl your profile is a bit lame at least add a picture #and she got so mad at me for this as if i’d just suggested killing her boyfriend #which frankly i do want to do but that’s neither here nor there #like what do you think is going to happen to you if you pick four movies to represent your taste on the movie website. #if you put a little jpeg of a character you enjoy as your pfp. if you maybe express an opinion on something you saw #what fo you think will happen to you if you do those things. #and why. if you’re not going to do those things. did you need to follow ME. who does!!! #and get all up in MY movies and MY opinions and MY head while giving me nothing back…. #like. i say some shit on there ok why does she get to read that but all i get is. ‘watched some czech film from 1965 on december 14th’ #like hello. hi. hello.

[hyp3rfixation-h3ll]

burgertron HATE ged prep . burgertron PILEDRIVE WHOEVER MADE IT SO THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE 4 SEPARATE TESTS TO GET A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS YOU DID IT into THE FUCKING DIRT!!!!!!!

#the captain's rambles #if you couldnt tell im having a bit of a rough time <:'] #my mom is like “oh well youre Making it stressful it's gonna be okay” I HAVE TO FUCKING DO SHIT WITH VARIABLES #THIS SHIT WOULD BE STRESSFUL EVEN IF I *WASNT* ALREADY DREADING DOING IT #i HATE education i HATE SCHOOL i hate everything this STUPID SYSTEM STANDS FOR and most importantly I LOATHE VARIABLS #whoever put LETTERS ?? in MATH??? Die. #because now i have to fucking figure out what x and y are on a practice test #i dont even HATE math normally. in every other instance of math im actually okay w/ solving questions #ged math ??? is on some shit #FUCK geds man i hate it here . i wanna just fuck off and go do whatever and be productive with something i Actually Enjoy Doing #not having to sit here and do tests so i can get a piece of paper that does nothing but allow me to apply for a community college #<- a place i am EQUALLY unexcited for and dreading #miserable fucking books i have to do work in. and then i gotta do like 4 different equally fucking miserable tests for each subject #and then i have to pray to god i didnt fail and i got the minimum passing grade of AT LEAST 145 out of *200.* #im going to destroy Everything. #i dont want congratulations for doing this shit either because i didnt wanna do it IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!!!! #im only doing this because i HAVE TO to get my parents off my ass about it not because i WANNA #if it were up to me i'd be doing just art and collecting or other hobbies i ACTUALLY ENJOY and i wouldnt be worrying about academics #but we cant have nice things so now i have to stress abt this shit like a college student studying for midterms #rant over. im gonna go eat now . pray 4 me that i dont kill someone /lh

[crabussy]

god what a normal and warranted thing to send to somebody who is fucking constantly terrified of death and is not even an adult and has multiple debilitating mental and physical health issues made 10x worse by stress

#I have no clue at all what I could have said to make someone say that to me #I just . don’t know I have no idea and it’s hurting me that I don’t know #what if I did do something #what if something does happen because of something I saidwhat if my actions end a life #it’s stupid to get scared but I have no way to deal with this #apart from leaving front I guess #I mean it’s . already easy because I’m already dissociated #I try so hard to be kind I try so so hard to be as understanding and even tempered as I can possibly be #I have never ever told anyone to kill themself

[hiding-under-the-willow]

I need you all to know that I have been struggling to write a singular chapter of Inheritance for the last like month and I am just now actually making progress 💀

#atlas speaks #it's not the next chapter. but the one after that #there's a post sitting in my drafts explaining. why. its taken so long. bc it did take me this long to realize why i was struggling with it #and the reason is so silly and stupid lmao #but i refuse to post that draft for fear of spoilers. for the like ten people who actually read it lol #but i did want to make light of it bc i think it's so silly #it is the sole reason we've caught up with my backlog of pre-written chapters #without getting into specifics. really it's just cause i feel so bad for Maya lmao. and it's not even like a particularly wild chapter. #but despite how calm things actually seem on the surface. i know things she doesn't and the dramatic irony is killing me #everytime something seemingly innocuous happens i am sitting there with my head in my hands like 'oh my god she does not deserve this' #it's literally so ridiculous

[mean-vampyre]

Dean winchester behaves like a woman who is about to start her period

#spn #me when I start to get really depressed and into self destruction but I remain funny #and wonder when did I fall into the pit of wanting to die again i was fine last week #and check my calendar and OHHHH the blood from my uterus that's reason #anywah that's dean in every other episode #he's fine and then he does something stupid and dangerous because he suddenly gets premenstrual kill urself fever

[time-like-tears-in-rain]

god i relate so hard to martha rewatching her episodes is fucking rough.

#i too got fucked up over a skinny bland white boy in a nice coat while #trying to get my career started #and was dragged backwards and into all of his shit #and figured oh god if i fuck this up he's gonna die #he's gonna kill himself #i'm never getting a relationship with him but i can't leave and also i kinda like it here #and my parents violently hate each other if i'm not here for one of my siblings than no one is #and my other sibling is a bit of a mess so i have to be the good child the smart successful child and my career has to come first #but i just want for fucking once to have a fling with adventure #a fling with whimsy i'm so desperate for it #and i'm stuck between my parents and yeah i also hate my dad's new woman but i literally cannot change shit #and this guy is saying hey lets go do something fun and stupid that does nothing but eat time #and i'm like sure!!!! #even though he's fun around other friends he's quiet and withdrawn with me and dumping on me about another woman #and it's like..... #I'T S LIKE...... #just me and my leather jacket against the world #yeah rose is my favorite and you'd think that my favorite would be clara bc she was the evil one #and i relate to donna's listlessness and perceived ineptitude when she just needs her fuckin adhd diagnosis and to get away from her mother #but god. i hate seeing the fandom #belittle the heartbreak part of martha's story because you don't get it #she thought she loved him and even though it started as just liking him AS SHE FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS UNATTAINABLE SLOWLY OVER TIME SHE WAS #ALSO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM SLOWLY OVER TIME. #i get it i get it i loved it and it fucking SUCKED. #annie irl

[cinnamon-notes]

i can't sleep :c

#and i think it's because i kinda have a lot on my plate rn #and lately i've gotten back into journaling- which is something im really proud of- cuz you know when i was with my ex i could never have my #own privacy so i had to give up journaling- which is something i had been doing nonstop since i was five and i could barely write #grammatically correct sentences- and im happy that im eventually journaling again- i really am- but this means that i do not know how to #handle my feelings unless i write- and today i was too depressed to write #cuz stuff happened at work as it usually does and im almost on my period and my PMS is killing me #then this man decided to tell me im incapable of loving and i will never find someone to love me back and that im a bad person and that im #uncaring and this hurt so much although i knew he was teasing- it still hurt! #then this other guy said im unreliable cuz i didn't show up for a task that was even optional and i had never 100% agreed on before #and i didn't show up because: depression + pms getting worse + had to figure out some bureaucratic shit that was pivotal and urgent #i talked to the moon this morning #that conversation we had (yeah i believe she replied) was the most meaningful thing of the day #so rn im just focusing on replaying it in my head because it was sweet and it was cathartic and i wanna do that tomorrow again #so im looking forward to it #while stupid voices in my head keep telling me that man is right and i AM a bad person who can't love and cant be loved #while stupid voices in my head tell me people are better off without me #ugh- i really cannot sleep- i have a lot of anxiety #and i hate that the most of it is caused by that stupid man i really hate that man #cinnamon darkness

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

#mine #oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times #but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry #like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie #im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc #i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me #thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related #anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that #ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired #// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always #because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life #like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing #me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little #so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die #every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt. #well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he #is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him #every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again #but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh #i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT #I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time #like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me #he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do #he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away

[flippedorbit]

do you want me to fucking go off on you? do you truly fucking want that mother?

#“oh you and your sister never listen to me and blah blah blah” we fucking do (or at the very least i do) #“you guys never help out” does me doing the litter and taking out the trash and on occasion hand washing the dishes mean #fucking nothing to you? does me sweeping the floor every once in a while because you chose to keep us in an area that is ALL SAND/DIRT ROAD #for whatever stupid ass reason also meaningless? does me doing my damn best to help out mean fucking nothing? #do you want me to kill my self. do you want to lose your eldest child to something YOU could have fucking prevented all because you can’t #stop being a bitch to him all the time? do you really fucking want that mom? because at this rate i am once again on the road to fucking #attempting it. i’m so god damn sick of how you treat me. the only time i can do anything i want is at night. i stay up super late playing #games with my friends because its the only time in the day when you aren’t bitching and whining for me to do something you don’t want to do #for the past several days i’ve been up until five in the damn morning just to do something that makes me happy. #you misgender me. you deadname me. you refuse to accept any aspect of my identity. you don’t treat me like a god damn person. #i have so many different ways i can consider attempting if i truly wanted to. the only thing keeping me alive is my friends. because they a #least show that they fucking care and actively want to do things with me. like group drawing or playing video games. #YOU on the other hand; mother; yell and get mad at me over the stupidest shit and never fucking apologize. #i cannot recall a singular time you’ve apologized for being a complete bitch to me over something so fucking unimportant. #and yet i’m expected to be completely fucking fine and happy all because you provide me with the bare fucking minimum. #”i clothe and feed and provide a place for you to live” THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. sure you could argue over the fact i’m 18 and #should be out working somewhere. but you give me so few opportunities for going places and even considering getting a job or finally gettin #my driver’s license. plus i would rather fucking die than work any food service or customer service job. because i’d be going somewhere #where i’d mostly get talked down to or yelled and then come home and have the same shit done after working for hours and getting minimal #pay. i’d rather work on my own fucking terms with commissions than go into any job where i have to interact with others in public for any #reason. where i’d be treated just the same as at home. like someone who isn’t a person and doesn’t deserve anyone to be nice to them. #i constantly so desperately wish that maybe one day soon i’d find someone to be with romantically and that i could maybe live with them and #get out of this hell hole that i’m supposed to call home. to go somewhere and have my efforts appreciated. to go somewhere where i’d #actually fucking be loved. i shouldn’t have to wish so god damn hard for a better life all because my mother can’t fucking treat me like a #person with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings. #i’m ending this rant here before i get too angry and upset. see you all in maybe an hour. #suicide mention #ask to tag

[hishap]

So the game Ring of Pain has an achievement for dieing within 30 seconds of starting a run, and in English it's called "That Was Quick"

However, since my Steam account is in French, even when I play games in English the achievement pop-ups are in French for me, so when I got myself killed in the first room, the pop-up said "petite mort" :

That's NOT what this means and you know this, Ring of Pain translators >_<

#Ring of Pain #Me : *does something stupid & gets killed* #RoP translator : *does sex joke at my corpse*

[yuribalisms]

Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that

#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them #I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I #think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills. #and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo #don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is #I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin #I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one #I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to #those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely #that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism #sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim #so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and #miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work #any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to #STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying #to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill #just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t #ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their #careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I #have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that #doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live #in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and #struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything #better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of #this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do #to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it. #I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps #kaz rambles

[rotshop]

marooners bay the evillest map i stop by every wonder of the world just to throw one egg in the basket so i can get paid minimum wage and provide for me and the 98 smallfry i stole from there

#DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THOSE STUPID METAL GRATES. SHUT UP. DO NOT REMIND ME. /AGONIZED #god i hate marooners bay i hate marooners bay i ha #IT DOES NOT HELP . THAT I HAVE YET TO ENCOUNTER SOMEONE. WHO WILL LURE BOSSES. IN FREELANCING. #PLEAAAASE DONT KILL THE SCRAPPER IM TRYING TO LURE IM NOT RUNNING AWAY FROM IT PLEAAASE !!!!! PLEASE. PLEA #i hope this map has some game breaking glitch like the big swig thing so it never gets in rotation again or something i hate it here . #ALL /LH i just Dont Like Marooners Bay Very Much. #rot rambles #salmon run #yeah sure main tag i guess. why not. im an influencer.