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#Trying with nonbinary flag but not feeling as natural so AH
aceoftheoceanz · 11 months
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Made some shapes then made it pride I was having a moment and now you can see my moment
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Can I have either headcanons or a scenario about the crew doing up the cafe for Pride month, please?
Of course, anon! I was planning on doing a pride scenario this month anyway! - Admin Avery
Pride month was a time where A Cat's Paw was bustling with activity amongst the staff, even if customers were still slow, as each tried to help provide their skills to set up events and decorations for the celebration. For most of them, this was something they were naturally used to - for Avery, however, the bustle was a bit much and they spent the day flitting between different coworkers to assist in whatever task they had set themselves on.
"Hey, Reese!" they called out as they walked over to the boy sewing together flags, banners, and even outfits - one of them seemed to be sized to Avery's measurements, taken earlier that month. "I told you I'd be fine wearing my hoodie, it's already the nonbinary colours."
Reese's eyes were filled with a disgusted glare at that comment, and his focused expression turned into a disappointed scowl. "You're planning on wearing something that shoddy and worn down for a pride month celebration here? Avery, we have class. I'm sewing you something better." He explained bluntly, pointing out tears and holes in the hoodie that Avery wore essentially every day.
"It's a comfy hoodie..." they argued back, but Reese was having none of it.
"Which is why i'm using fabrics as similar to the texture as possible, but making it more elegant. Now hold still." Another measurement, just to be sure, scribbling down the numbers and adding more material - That's when Finley popped out in her newly designed outfit, fiddling on her phone.
Her makeup and nails were done to look like different pride flags as she flicked through some sites and apps, before taking a selfie, other pictures of things that had been previously set up, and uploading it as part of promotion. She was far too eager to handle the posting of this sort of thing. "Heyhey, sweeties~ Pride Promo posted, we should get busy customers this month all coming in to celebrate! I've booked us some popular people in the area, too. Set up a box for extra stuff that'll all be going to charities to help out people! Oh, Avery, come here quick!" Without much say, they were dragged over by Finley's arm against their will, but willing to help out regardless. "These pamphlets look good to you? One's for finding support groups, the other is trans friendly docs in the area willing to prescribe hormones, got one with notes about where to get stuff like binders and breastforms and all that. Just wanna make sure they're not too hard to read!"
Skimming over the designs, they all looked good! Goodness, Avery hadn't even heard of some of these areas despite them being pretty close, Finley sure knew how to dig deeper into the web for information and locations than they could. Sometimes she found sites that didn't even show up on search engines...
"It looks perfect! Just make sure to get them actually printed, not everyone's going to be able to have them sent digitally." They informed, and quickly Finley rushed out, remembering that physical copies are, in fact, important too.
Mason was focused in the kitchen, and had asked to not be disturbed for the day, but it was tempting regardless - what sort of things was she making for the month? Were the cat donuts iced like flags? Did the meals have a colour coded theme to them? Was she doing a pun-based dish thing like some restaurants? It was hard to tell, until.
"Avery. Kitchen. Now." Stern as always, but she didn't sound mean - more direct than mean. "Yer better at namin' dishes round this time." Ah, so they were somewhat colour coded for some, but others were just needing pun names... Thinking up those would be difficult, but Avery had a perfect idea for the pride cat donuts. "Feline Proud Donuts." Avery chuckled, making use of the similarity between Feline and Feeling, and it was immediately noted down - almost as if there'd be no question to their suggestions. "Uhhh, I'm sure I'll come up with more!." They weren't running on too many ideas today, huh? Mason nodded, and allowed them to go on their way, hoping to find some inspiration sooner.
Also in the kitchen was Hayes, fiddling around with different beverages - teas, coffees, iced teas, frappuccinos, etc. All trying to make them work with different flag colours as much as possible, but the nerves and stress were getting to him a bit, he had needed a break.
"Hey, you doin' okay? I get this is a busy month, take the time you need, yeah?" Avery offered, sitting nearby, but not directly next to the worried boy.
"I just want the drinks to be perfect. It's a lot to worry about for big events." His voice was quiet, barely a whisper and very mumbled, but it got across the sentence to Avery perfectly enough.
"Hayes, you're a coffee snob, the drinks are going to better than perfect." Avery joked, before noticing that might be seen as a rude comment. "Meant in a good way- Like, you have a lot of passion for making it good quality." "I guess... Thanks. I'm gonna take some cat time, if that's okay? Have you seen Graves?" Cat time was essential in busy moments like this, especially for Hayes - that was totally okay.
"Nobody's ever seen Graves. He's probably putting up safety wards to make sure everyone's comfortable and protected when coming here for the event - and Landry's at a friend's garage preparing a pride float with Gina and Kaz for the city's event. You're invited to join the rest of us on that parade day, but I totally get if it's too stressful for you. I can grab some noise cancelling headphones, or whatever else."
"Thanks... I'd like that."
With each of them set on doing their own thing to help celebrate, as well as promote the café as a safe and friendly business, it was a hectic time - but they were going to get through it. While Avery didn't manage to provide much action-based assistance, the moral support and someone there to complain to when things were being difficult setting it up was a huge help to the staff's motivation and determination to get this through without a hitch.
This month was going to be glorious
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aliennopossumm · 3 years
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Like Real People Do
Happy 11 months, @andromedaspace ! I love you more than words can describe
Pairing: currently platonic Analogical, future romantic Analogical
Warnings: some cursing, cult joke, one line mentions bullying, “nerd” used affectionately, some of Vee’s teasing makes Logan upset but xe comforts them, brief blood mention, anxiety
Characters: Logan Sanders, Virgil Berry
Character notes: autistic nonbinary Logan [they/them], autistic trans Virgil [xe/xem]
Fic summary: As they usually do, Logan adventure’s into the forest. But when they explore somewhere they haven’t been before, they meet somebody new
1,795 words 10,235 characters
Logan, despite how well they behaved academically, was never one for following orders. Whether it was pirating a video game, or staying up until 2am on a school night, they didn't mind bending a few rules. More often than not, as well, they weren't caught. Their rule breaking wasn't confined to their own apartment either, occasionally exploring the forest by their highschool, staying out ten minutes to several hours too late. No matter what weather or time, they loved to walk through the trees that towered over their, now seemingly small, self. Nature was so fascinating to them. Books about plants and animals were scattered in their room, as well as writing in a journal about their favourite parts of the world.
They brought along the book on this particular day, tucked away safely in their messenger bag, along with pens, coloured pencils and other essentials. Wind barreled through the trees and their hair, making Logan subconsciously pull their hoodie closer to their skin. It was surprisingly cold for an average windy day, possibly too cold. Logan mentally pinned it down on being close to water, taking a seat next to a large, moss-covered rock. Whilst humming along to the sound of the birds, they started to remove their journal and stationary from their bag to comment on the plants around them. They opened the book to about three-quarters through, jotting the date down on a clean page. It was starting to become difficult to find new information, laying the book open on the dirt in front of them. A small, but happy, sigh escaped their mouth, turning to the rock behind them and starting to inspect the moss, their pen balanced in their mouth.
Hardly any sound surrounded them now, only quiet chirps and now softer wind being heard. Logan looked back behind them, where-
"Oh..?" Logan breathed, now slightly concerned at the lack of their book. It wasn't as if the wind blew it away, the pencils were much lighter than the journal, and yet they were in the exact same place. Attempting to not panic, they looked to the lake first, then to the tree's, before finally looking up.
"Looking for this?" Logan gasped shakily, finding their book in the hands of a stranger.
"Give- give it back!" It became embarrassingly obvious Logan had never been in a situation even slightly similar to this one.
The stranger, dressed in dark, just laughed softly, "what even is this-" they shut the book, the only thing on the cover being a name and a small yellow, white, purple and black flag, "Logan?"
"It's a journal, now give it back!" Despite their tone attempting to be intimidating, Logan still sat on their knees, seemingly shaking. "Who... who even are you!?"
"Well, I know your name, so it's only fair if you know mine," they jumped down from where they perched on a tree branch, starting to walk over, "it's Virgil. Don't laugh."
"Why would I... I laugh?" Logan's voice was now unmasking their anxiety, watching as Virgil moved closer. Along with their dark black clothes, the way they walked only made them look more bat-like.
Virgil shrugged, crouching in front of them, "people can be rude. You're alone in a forest, you probably know that well enough." They squinted their eyes slightly at the anxious person, "but you don't look like an outcast."
"Look closer at the cover," they mumbled, biting their lip slightly. Logan turned their head away, but kept their eyes focussed on the odd stranger. Virgil did as prompted.
"It just says Logan Sanders? That isn't a weird name," it slightly surprised Logan that a nice comment escaped their lips.
They took the journal from Virgil, poking at the flag, "Nonbinary."
"Ah."
"Yeah," they started to pack away their stuff, "just call me a name. I'm leaving. This is obviously your turf."
Virgil gently grabbed their wrist, "no. I didn't mean it like that, I'm just dumb and-" they sighed, unzipping the black and purple patched hoodie with their free hand and pulling one side back to reveal a trans patch on their chest. "Xe/xem. My dumbass just didn't process the flag."
What felt like a boulder of anxiousness was lifted off their chest - this was somebody in their community. Of course, that doesn't make xem an inherently good person, but it helped Logan feel safer.
"That's valid. They/them," Logan anxiously held out their hand. Is this how people introduce each other?
Xe looked at the awkward hand, "are you sure you're not a part of a forest cult and this is a blood pact?"
As if Logan was literally invited to said imagery cult, they let out an almost anxious gasp. Virgil's teasing smirk started to fade, "I'm kidding, L. You just don't know how to socialise." Xe gently shook their hand.
"That's- well-" Logan tried to gather words to defend themselves before just sighing, "yeah, you're correct. I don't."
Yet again, the forest fell silent, bar the sound of the wind. By this point, Virgil let go of their arm and hand, moving back by a foot or two. Logan took this as a sign to silently unpack their bag yet again, gently laying their beloved possessions back onto the dirt. Xe glanced at the bag. "Got anything else in there?"
Logan couldn't help but interpret this as a taunt, lowering their head to focus on finding today's page in their journal, "just general stuff." They didn't look back up, still sorting through the papers, until they felt a gentle hand on their shoulder. Even a gesture as simple as that made their soul melt in the best way possible, making them crack the first smile Virgil saw of them.
"Hey, L, I was being genuine. What do you have in there?" Xe smiled back, showing sharp teeth.
Trying to not focus on how attractive that was, they nodded and pulled the bag between the two of them. Virgil let go of them, sitting opposite Logan.
"You probably now think whatever's in here would be amazing, but it's really not," Logan frowned a little at the thought of letting their new possible friend down, opening the bag wider so they could both gaze in. "It's really just essentials other than what's already out - food, water, cellphone, nature books. There's some small scissors in one of the closed pockets in case I need a sample for something. I rarely test on plants, and never on animals, but sometimes it can be pleasant to just own a part of nature." They froze up slightly once the ramble escaped their mouth, "Oh- I'm sorry for speaking so much, Virgil."
The taller one just smiled, "no, no, don't apologise. I like hearing about all your nerd ramblings, it's sorta... sweet, how much you care."
They nodded, a small smile cracking onto their face again. "Thank you. Do you uh- do you have anything in your..."
"I don't have a bag, if that is what you're asking," xe chuckled a little, inspecting the book labeled 'Common Berries and Mushrooms', "most of my stuff is kept in the jacket. Same stuff as you, mostly. Just replace books with crystals and your journal with headphones."
Logan didn't know whether to question xem about the crystals or what kind of mystical jacket could contain all those things, resulting in them blurting out the gibberish of "how crystal fit."
Xe chuckled at them, "you're adorable, L. The jacket was modified to fit more shit, deeper pockets and that. And I work with crystals, if that's what you were trying to ask." They nodded in understanding, breathing out what sounded like 'fascinating'. "So, what brings you to the forest?"
Trying to gather themselves again, Logan cleared their throat and starting to flick through one of their several books, "I find nature amazing. How a single bug could run the entire forest... it truly is beautiful. I like coming down to the forest, usually after school or dinner, and just walk around, commenting on everything I see - new or known. I love learning. I hadn't been to this part of the forest before, I tend to turn right when entering, but this time I chose the left path."
Nodding along, Virgil listened intently to another one of their infodumps, which ended in xem learning new information about the forest as well. Xe couldn't even blame Logan for finding the forest interesting once xe heard it from their perspective. In all honesty, it made xem want to learn more so they can have genuine conversations about it, as right now it was similar to Logan literally talking to a plant. The ramble continued for almost twenty more minutes, Virgil warming up to asking questions and even making a few notes in xyr phone about this all. It slowly started to form into a proper conversation, eventually leading Logan to politely question the crystals xe carried, which in turn led them to dedicating an entire page to the rocks.
By the time both had worn themselves out with talking, Virgil smiled at the orange and purple sky, "I think it's getting quite late... do you need help packing your things up?" In the time they were infodumping, they also shared a picnic of sorts, leaving a lot more mess than Logan usually had at the end of their forest sessions.
"No, I'm alright..." They smiled, starting to gently stack the large informative books at the bottom of the bag, so they would not crush anything else. "Thank you for this, Virgil, it was nice to talk to somebody."
"Virge."
"Mh?" Logan looked up, Virgil appearing half-blurred as their glasses had slightly fallen down.
Xe chuckled, pushing the glasses up for them with what seemed like a fountain pen, "call me Virge, it's what my friends call me."
Blushing at the gesture, Logan went back to packing their bag, "we're friends?"
"Of course, I don't sit in the forest for hours with strangers," Virgil smiled warmly, the sound of pen scratching being heard as the rest of the forest seemingly fell into quiet. The sound stopped, "well, I better get going back to my dads. I'll see you around, nerd."
As Logan looked back up, xe was already in the tree's. They chuckled softly, "bye Virgil- Virge." After a few more minutes of rearranging their items, the bag was now almost fully packed. Logan took their journal from the ground, about to close it but noticing some new writing. It was in bright purple pen and scruffy handwriting, standing out amongst the neat, black text on the rest of the page.
"Call me - +1-541-555-0130"
They smiled gently, shutting the book and placing it at the top of their bag. Maybe they should.
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aro-culture-is · 5 years
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It's that time of year again- pride is coming up and I've already gotten some acephobic dogwhistles crossing my dash.
Below is a list of specifically aphobic dogwhistles that I'll update as I spot them or if you guys suggest them:
Before I begin, a definition of dogwhistles:
“Dog-whistle politics is political messaging employing coded language that appears to mean one thing to the general population but has an additional, different, or more specific resonance for a targeted subgroup. The analogy is to a dog whistle, the ultrasonic tone of which is heard by dogs but inaudible to humans.” - Wikipedia
Not everyone who uses these phrases is intending to have that additional, different, or more specific resonance for aspec people, but if I bold the item, it doesn’t have an okay meaning.
"PDA IS ALLOWED AT PRIDE!1!1!!11" - While a number of ace and aro folx (among others such as trauma survivors) do find that PDA can be triggering or a squick, I've never seen someone legitimately claim that PDA shouldn’t be allowed at pride, as these aphobes insist. Every time I've seen this sort of claim cross my dash, there's 2 things I find to be true: the original blog is acephobic (or a 13 year old and that does tend to be a pretty dumb age due to brain reasons) and there's a legitimate and oftentimes decent conversation by people in the notes about making sure that PDA during daytime events is nonsexual so that minors are safe. That discussion is ok, So are counter arguments. But, PLEASE recognize that emphatic declarations like above are a dogwhistle.
“I support LGBT aces/aros!” - yikes. So, the basic idea here is that this person believes that being ace/aro is a modification of being straight rather than a sexuality or romantic orientation or that same-sex attraction is necessary to be LGBT(Q+) which tends to be completely and immediately contradicted by a generic “but trans people are ok” or just a total LGB or even LG only. They do not actually support aspec people. They support only the letters they claim to support at best. (thanks to @clownpieceoffreedom for suggesting this addition!)
“A is for allies!!!” - not sure how much detail I need here if you’re on my page, but honestly... basically, people who say this fall into 2 main camps: 1) ignorant but trying, and haven’t yet learned enough to know that A is for asexual, aromantic, and agender folx, and 2) the asshats who know that and consider all of those identities invalid. Generally speaking, assume ignorance and evaluate the speaker via searching them, speaking with them, or other methods. 
url including “allo” (especially as “dirty/sex -allo”), “aphobic”, “-course” referencing discourse - this one is subtle, but usually a quick glance at their blog reveals their true nature. Many if not most are frankly speaking, awful and aphobic. If they are of that ilk, you’ll probably find no less than five dogwhistles on the first page. However, some aspec people have claimed these urls because their are alloromantic or allosexual and it is a term for them, among other reasons, so I would advise checking before you reach for the block button. see the section on allo/dirty for why those in particular are included.
“asexuality/aces are homophobic” - this might just be implied but I also recently made a blocklist based around a post that literally referred to aspecs as “ homophobic ace tumblr” because they believe one of the following: 1) that sex-repulsion and romance-repulsion are always referring to seeing same-sex attraction, commonly used in reference to PDA at pride while insisting that aspec people who don’t want to see romantic or sexual situations are telling them not to be gay in public. usually, the aspecs in question were just... talking about romo or sex repulsion and how they handle it because they don’t want to do that. 2) one I can’t fully wrap my head around: aces are homophobic because some gay people will identify as asexual to avoid acknowledging their gay feelings. like... bud. internalized homophobia is a bitch but it’s yours. we welcome you for as long as you’d like to stay, and if you realize that you aren’t aspec, you can feel free to hold onto it for as long as you’d like, but ultimately confronting your feelings is your business. we won’t tell you what to do as a community. if it’s homophobic to respect your feelings and allow you to decide if and when you, a random online stranger, confront your feelings, then it was aphobia when you didn’t tell me likewise to confront my internalized aphobia when I thought I was gay because I knew I wasn’t into the people I was “supposed” to be. you had no way of knowing that and neither do we.
“allo” “dirtyallo” “dirty” etc as a self description particularly with a mocking tone - for some reason a lot of allo people think allo is a poorly made slur of some sort or lumps them in with their oppressors. idk man. they think that it’s clever to use it preemptively or something. I’m not sure but I think that they think our experiences are mocking theirs somehow. it gives me the same vibes as like, those people who insist that political correctness is ruining everything. they don’t know or care to know what the term means so they decide it must be secretly insulting them. insert “i am smart” memes here.
“cishet” - ah, yes, the biggest and most annoying dogwhistle of them all. coopted by exlusionists in which they actually mean “cisgender heteroromantic aces” or more rarely “cisgender heterosexual aros” and usually makes a big point about how “cishets” are awful people who should never be allowed at pride related events etc. typically used in a way that normal blogs have no idea. this is probably the most effective aphobic dogwhistle. as for why it’s bad, see “I support LGBT ace/aros!” above.
pride collections (such as edits of a popular character with pride flags behind them) without asexual/aromantic flags, specifically ones with only LGBT flags - I totally get that not every artist is gonna make edits for every queer identity they know, but I’ve seen enough of these lead back to aphobes that I’m including it regardless. If you don’t see an identity, especially one of the Big Ones... check it out. Do a search. If you aren’t sure what I’m including, here’s an off the top of my head list, contact me for additions b/c I don’t double check what I type enough. Common: lesbian, gay, bi, pan, queer, asexual, nonbinary, trans; less common but still possibly a sign: aromantic, demi -romantic or -sexual, agender, intersex, newer variations of lesbian flags that have significant support.
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notquiteaghost · 5 years
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there isn't enough nonbinary jon sims content, here is... well i started writing this as headcanons but this is really a not!fic about nonbinary jon sims. it’s 3′300 words
it contains: nonbinary trans masc autistic jon, jongeorgie, lesbian georgie, trans guy martin & tim, trans woman sasha, team archives trans solidarity, and not-insignificant amount of internalised transphobia and references to misgendering & general cis people bullshit
(also ftr i am heavily basing jon's experiences here as a nonbinary autistic person on my own experiences as a nonbinary autistic person) (this is like 80% projection) (what else is fandom for!)
also on AO3 if you prefer your 3k of bullet points to have better spacing
tiny baby [jon] who knows she isn't very good at being a girl but doesn't have the words to articulate why
her grandmother thinks kids clothes should be durable and practical so even tho jon is not a kid who climbs trees or plays football, her wardrobe is exclusively straight jeans & 'boys' t-shirts & large jumpers
she keeps her hair roughly shoulder length because that's the length it's always been but strangers still 'mistake' her for a boy a lot. this makes her feel a way she again hasn't got the words for
when she starts secondary school she continues to dress 'masc', never starts wearing makeup, never gets any interest in dating, generally fills out the checklist for everyone else assuming she's a lesbian
she knows she's definitely not a straight girl, so she shrugs and decides sure, she's a lesbian. it's a moot point, mostly, seeing as even if she did have any interest in dating she's the only gay person her age she knows
but she does get involved in some community support stuff – she spends a lot of time in the library as a teenager, and one of the librarians is a lesbian who takes jon under her wing a bit
coffee mornings and book clubs and things like that. sixteen year old jon and a dozen queer women all in their late twenties at the youngest. they joke a lot how often they forget jon isn't also a thirty-something
(this is that autism feel of having no interest in your peers but getting on great with adults)
and then she goes to uni, and then she meets georgie
georgie is a Very Out lesbian. she goes to clubs, she's heavily involved in the lgbt society, she has a rainbow flag hanging in her bedroom window. yknow.
jon likes her a lot, and still isn't really sure if it's romantic or not, but assumes that's more due to being gay than anything else
(no one has told jon about asexuality yet)
so when, one night when they're meant to be studying in georgie's room but instead are mostly drinking shit cheap wine and complaining about their professors, georgie looks at jon with this soft look on her face and asks to kiss her, jon says yes
and then they date
they're both living in one of those massive student houses with a thousand bedrooms crammed everywhere and only a kitchen for a communal space. georgie has lived there since coming back to finish first year, and jon moved in halfway through second year after a somewhat disastrous flatmate situation
so after they graduate, moving in together seems like the natural progression of things even tho they’ve only been dating for two months
jon is still, when asked, identifying as a lesbian and using she/her, but is also still dressing what other people now call butch. she always feels kind of weird about that term, but again, just chalks it up to the mess of complicated feelings being a gnc lesbian does genuinely involve
and then, finally, jon meets some actual trans people
jon has, circumstantially, known trans people. thanks to georgie, jon goes to a lot of lgbt soc things, and is passingly familiar with most of the lgbt people on their campus
but there’s a big difference between nodding at someone when you see them in the library and having an actual, proper conversation about gender
so, jon goes to a lot of social events because georgie does. without georgie, jon would probably not leave the house except to go to work and to the library (jon is not doing postgrad. jon’s library habits do not particularly reflect this)
mostly at these events, jon sits in the corner and reads, and only talks to other quiet antisocial people, while georgie circles back periodically to report on her social butterfly escapades
and at one, one of the other quiet antisocial people is a trans guy
he’s called harry, and he asks about the book jon is reading, and after they’ve been talking a while he says, “sorry, you probably get this a lot, but what pronouns do you use?”
jon just blinks at him and says “what”
“well, i’m trans, so i’m always really cautious about assuming,” harry says, easily, and this does not answer the question jon was asking
jon.exe has crashed
she(?) eventually says, “uh. she? i’ve never– she”
and harry, who has spent the last forty minutes discussing dante with jon and is already sure they’re going to be friends, says “want the trans 101? you’re making a face like you need it”
three hours later georgie finally reappears with the intent to actually interrupt (she’s drifted past periodically, but jon was always deep in conversation with harry, so she left them alone) and get going, and jon gets harry’s email address and is then very quiet as they walk arm-in-arm back to their house
just as they turn onto their street, jon says, “i, ah. i think i might be trans?”
georgie, who has for the past couple months been having something of a crisis after realising she definitely loves jon but she isn’t in love and she can’t figure out why, says “oh thank god”
jon, very bemused, “that wasn’t the reaction i was expecting”
“i think we should break up,” georgie replies, and jon stops walking. they’re four feet from their front door, but it’s late, no one’s about, so georgie decides sure, they can have this conversation in the street
“you– because i’m trans?”
“i love you, i really do,” georgie steps closer, takes jon’s hands in hers, “but i’m not in love with you. and it was driving me crazy trying to figure out why, but if you’re not a girl–”
“i can’t tell if i should be offended by this or not,” jon says, somewhat dazed, “i’ve been trans for an hour, georgie, i don’t know if this is transphobic yet”
georgie laughs, and presses a kiss to jon’s cheek, and says “it’s nearly midnight, we both have work tomorrow, let’s table this for later. we can look up names and what word i should use when i complain to other people how you always leave your shoes in the middle of the floor when we aren’t both on the verge of passing out”
and that sounds reasonable, so jon nods, and kisses georgie on the mouth, and then they go inside
the next day jon stops by the library on the way home from work and checks out almost every baby names book they have. georgie comes home and he’s sat at the kitchen table making a spreadsheet
“you don’t have to make it this complicated, you know,” she says, hooking her chin over his shoulder to read what he’s already got. the spreadsheet has a lot of columns.
“it’s my name,” he retorts, and she hums agreeably, then points to ‘jonathan’, which has relatively few ticks in any pro columns (god, this nerd), and says, “isn’t that your grandfather’s name?”
it is. he doesn’t talk about his grandfather a lot – doesn’t talk about his family a lot full stop, but she knows, even though he died when jon was still a toddler, the stories his grandmother told had a significant impact
“my parents didn’t name me after anyone,” jon says, quietly
georgie nods. she doesn’t say they’re not here now to offer an opinion, because that’s far harsher than jon deserves to hear, and it’s not like she ever needs to remind him of it either. he’s definitely already beating himself up for taking so long to come to this realisation there’s no one left around to tell him how they’d have reacted
“i think it suits you,” she says instead, and jon nods, and then she moves away to make a pot of tea and some pasta (it’s technically jon’s night to cook, but she was anticipating coming home to find him already hyperfocused beyond the point of no return)
a week later, jon looks up from the spreadsheet to where georgie is curled up on the sofa reading and says “ugh, fine, you win, you were right”
(georgie hadn’t pressed her point any further, jon is just like that)
“jon?” she asks, and he makes an exasperated noise and nods, then closes his laptop dramatically and stands. most of his spine pops when he stretches
“this calls for celebration” georgie says, also standing, “franco’s or monsoon?”
“franco’s. i’m going to eat a pizza the size of a car”
so then jon is actually going by jon, and using he/him, and isn’t dating georgie anymore but is still living with her and spending most of his time with her and factoring her into all his major decisions
he talks to harry, and other (binary) trans people, and reads a lot of blogs, and after a few months gets a referral to charing cross gic
by the time he starts at the magnus institute, he’s had top surgery and has been on T for years, and passes as cis completely, and he doesn’t know how to articulate it but this is. bothering him.
he’s not exactly… he likes being stealth, he doesn’t need to flaunt his personal life. he can understand the impulse, but he doesn’t share it. his feelings about gender and romance are no one’s business but his own
but. everyone assuming he was a girl itched – being miss simms, georgie’s girlfriend, she, it felt like wearing a coarse knitted jumper. it was exhausting
and, for a while, everyone assuming he was a man was a relief. it didn’t make his skin crawl, it didn’t make him want to scream, it was nice. it felt good.
it didn’t feel right. but it didn’t feel bad, either, and jon has never been gendered in a way that felt right. he thought that was just part of being trans
except. he moves to london, and he starts at the magnus institute, and he wears shirts and slacks, and the long skirts and patterned dresses some of his colleagues wear keep catching his eye the way men in three-piece suits used to, and that terrifies him
he was lucky, in a way, having no family left to care when he transitioned – if anyone reacted negatively, he could just cut them out of his life, and his social circle was already queer enough that was hardly necessary
but that doesn’t mean he escaped internalising a whole swathe of shit about what being trans should mean and how he should act and what he should want and if he wants to wear skirts then is he even a man? was he making it up all along after all?
naturally, he deals with this by ignoring it. he’s a man, men don’t wear skirts, he doesn’t wear skirts, that’s that.
he manages to keep that up until he’s made head archivist, and he’s given three assistants who are all also trans
(he doesn’t know if elias did it on purpose. elias knows he’s trans, of course, because he’s never bothered to get the name on his diploma changed, but the way elias reacted lead jon to assume elias may also be trans. and if that’s true, then selecting only trans people for the archives staff feels like a kindness more than anything)
and, the thing about them all being trans, is even if jon and martin are both rather fond of being stealth, and sasha and tim aren’t used to being out at work, and none of them are exactly friends, they’re the only people who ever come in the archives, so the archives very quickly becomes the Safe Trans Zone
they all vent a lot about cis people. sasha will walk in and the first words out her mouth will be “the next person to ask me if i’d had the surgery is getting their own surgery when i cut their tongues out”, and tim will make a commiserating noise and offer her the pack of donuts martin brought in
so when, on one of the rare afternoons when jon leaves his office to lean against tim’s desk and brainstorm organisational system ideas, martin walks back from the break room upstairs with a scowl and says, bitterly, as he sits back down, “oh so when cis guys wear nail polish it’s inspiring and breaking down gender roles but when i wear nail polish, jenny from HR gets to side eye me and ask if that means i changed my mind, because surely i’m the one who’ll do that and not all the men who didn’t have to do hours of therapy to establish they are definitely, one hundred percent for sure a guy!”
tim and sasha both make the standard commiseration noises, and sasha says something about the supervisor at her last job trying to say it wasn’t appropriate for her to wear trousers, and jon stops listening and runs away moves back to his office
he hadn’t noticed martin is wearing nail polish, is the thing. or, he had noticed it, but he hadn’t thought about it, and now he’s thinking about it. he’s thinking about it a lot
martin had– martin is a guy. martin is definitely a guy, if something of a feminine-leaning gay guy, the kind of feminine-leaning no one ever questions in cis guys, and it hadn’t occurred to jon to question martin, either, even though he’s trans, and. and.
he’s still circling round a revelation he can’t quite make himself have an hour or so later, when martin sticks his head round the door
“you, uh. you alright?” martin asks, incredibly tentatively. it says a lot, jon thinks, about how nice martin is, that he’s asking even though there’s a 90% chance jon will tell him to fuck off “you kind of disappeared abruptly, earlier. i didn’t upset you, did i?”
jon stares at him for a long moment, then says, “can i see your nail polish?”
“oh!” martin’s cheeks flush, just slightly, as he steps inside the office and lets the door shut behind him “uh, yeah, of course. it’s a little chipped, now, but, yeah”
martin’s nail polish is a light, pastel blue. it’s neat, and even, though his nails aren’t that long, and jon thinks he remembers martin saying something about mostly painting his nails to try and get himself to stop biting them. jon’s never really gone for nail polish, but it’s. nice.
“it’s, uh. it’s a good colour, on you,” he says awkwardly. martin flushes even more
“oh, um, thanks? did– are you alright?”
if jon was a different kind of person, this is where he’d open up to martin, and this would be the beginning of them becoming actual friends
jon is jon, though, so he just shoves all his emotions back in the box they escaped from, nods, and says “i didn’t sleep that well, is all. not really up to socialising”
(an aside about s1 jonmartin dynamic: jon is very good at shittalking martin when martin isn’t around, but in the face of martin’s genuine care and concern, he defaults back to a far more friendlier tone than he’s aiming for. he knows, on a level, that he and martin could be good friends if he ever got his shit together, but that is something else he’s currently repressing. he doesn’t need friends! he isn’t desperate for social contact at all! what’s loneliness!)
martin says “ah, okay, i’ll just– i’ll leave you alone, then”, and then jon makes himself focus on work, and then when he gets home he opens the group chat he’s still, thankfully, in with the trans people who got him through his first gender crisis and sends ‘help i don’t know if i’m a guy after all’
three people immediately send back a link to nonbinary.org
and that’s the rest of jon’s evening
he reads through every article. he reads several articles multiple times. he opens several new tabs, and gets a notepad to make a list of books, and eventually remembers to reply in the group chat
a week later, he bites the bullet and writes an email to georgie
nothing long, just, they still tell each other about big life events
and then, another couple weeks after that, when martin brings him tea, he says, “ah, martin, could i– do you have a moment?”
“of course,” martin says, and lets the door swing closed again, “what do you need?”
“i, ah. this isn’t very professional, so, you don’t– you are perfectly welcome to say no, of course, but i. um. would you– come clothes shopping with me?”
(ideally, jon would have asked georgie, but as much as he loves her (still), they haven’t talked properly in years, and she is cis. the best cis person he knows, but still a cis person. and he’d just, rather have a trans person, for emotional support, and no one in the group chat lives particularly nearby anymore) (or, well, some of them are, but when he asked they all told him to get over himself and ask one of his ‘lovely’ coworkers)
(why does he ask martin and not sasha?) (well, dear reader, he is nursing the beginnings of a crush) (not that he knows it. but that’s absolutely what’s happening here. martin is sweet and lovely and jon definitely finds him annoying and overbearing. yes. nothing else. no other emotions.) (his chest feels all weird when martin smiles because he doesn’t like him. that always happens around people he dislikes.)
“oh!” martin says, surprised. “uh, yes, of course, is– is there an event or something…?”
jon takes a moment to stare at the wall above martin’s head before he makes himself say, “i. am non-binary, and i need– different clothes.”
“oh, god, have we been–”
“no, no, this is a, a very recent development. he is still fine,” jon says, quickly, then pauses, then adds, more haltingly, “i think. i might, if – they, as well, maybe? just, to see”
“of course. d’you want me to tell tim and sasha?”
martin, jon thinks, is maybe not all that bad “yes, please”
“cool,” martin smiles, “i’m free this weekend? for shopping?”
“this saturday would be good, yes”
and then jon and martin go shopping! it’s probably not that successful of a shopping trip, because it takes jon like four shops before they admit what exactly it is they’re looking for, but they go to several charity shops and have fun trying to one-up each other with the most ridiculous/inexplicable item of clothing, and at the end of the day jon has three skirts (a knee-length black a-line skirt, a full-length black skirt, and a full-length black skirt patterned with red flowers), two necklaces, and a skater dress they probably can’t get away with wearing to work, but they really liked the way the skirt moved when they spun
other things that happen include lunch at a cafe where the staff definitely think they’re on a date and only martin notices and also martin is dying, both of them only managing to walk past a secondhand bookshop twice before they cave and go inside, and then emerge half an hour later both holding three books (two poetry anthologies and a sci fi novel; a psychology book and two history books), and martin somehow talking jon into trying on skinny jeans and then, again, leaving this mortal coil
jon doesn’t buy the skinny jeans, which is for the best really
the first time jon wears one of the skirts to work, sasha does a victory lap around the archives because “hell yes skirts are so much more comfortable, and now you swish! tim you should get a skirt. skirts for archives uniform”
and jon is still a prickly antisocial bastard but now he’s an outly nonbinary prickly antisocial bastard, and sometimes they walk into the archives at 2PM smelling of tobacco and holding a bottle of vodka, and then the archives staff all do shots and dramatic readings of the most ridiculous fake statements, because sometimes that’s how you cope with cis people, and that’s! valid!
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