#a younger me knew what he was feeling

[storm-driver]

hi, i have feelings about cartoon nostalgia and the audience perception of them 20 years on

this is gonna read hyper-specific, but bear with me

i refuse to credit butch hartman for the way danny phantom came out during it's first two seasons, at least outside of the initial pitch and the idea of the protagonist having white hair. i know the majority of enthusiasts for this show are more than aware of hartman's antics at this point. these anctics, i won't get into. other people are far more suited to explain that stuff vs me, a random guy on the internet. but there's very specific topics that i don't often see get brought up in detail, like the production and staff behind this show.

i'll get into it below the cut so as not to clutter your dashboard. but if you're not familiar with the actual production history of danny phantom, this might be interesting to read.

it's common knowledge these days that stephen silver is the one who developed the design for danny based on hartman's original rough sketches. the similarity between each drawing is apparent, but you can see clear as day which design was gonna be more apt for animation and overall audience allure back in 2003.

he also did character designs for hartman's other poster child, Fairly Oddparents. the trend is similar, though far from a huge concern. character design overhauls happen all the time in media production. designs might be too complicated for animation, so they get stripped down. or maybe things aren't complex enough and more nuance needs to be added. that's normal stuff, and i am not dunking on hartman for not nailing danny's design right out the gate. i'm pointing this out in case you've ever looked at butch hartman's recent work and wondered "how are these done by the same artist?"

the answer is they weren't. hartman had to adapt to stephen silver's conceptual designs in order to work on the storyboards. take from that what you will.

onto the actual writing.

butch barely wrote a single episode for this show's first two seasons.

steve marmel helped write at least 28 episodes of the original two seasons, with writers like sib ventress and marty isenberg bringing a good amount of episodes to the table, as well.

butch hartman is credited primarily for directing and storyboarding this show. the episode pitch and writing was by other people almost entirely. the ONLY episodes in the first two seasons that hartman is credited with having written are mystery meat, one of a kind and splitting images. and he's credited with co-writing these episodes alongside steve marmel and mark banker. ie, he did not write these episodes on his own. and allegedly, butch hartman had a tendency to be credited as a writer for an episode, even if he only wrote a few lines of dialogue. again, take from that what you will.

past that in season 3, he wrote infinite realms, torrent of terror, forever phantom, urban jungle, and ofc, phantom planet. which a lot of people know, these episodes in particular weren't the most enjoyable, nor was the overall direction of them very good.

a director's job is to make sure that the overall tone, feel, and message of the show is being kept consistent with intent. that means meeting with producers, who are the ones managing the, y'know, producing part of the whole project. it may sound like the director is the one heading the project if it's their job to keep things in check. which, i will not deny, hartman must've put in a good deal of work to make the show come out as well as it did.

but pile that with some of the off things per episode. the mean-spirited way that characters tend to be taught lessons, the voice direction getting a drastic change in season 3 (you can hear it explicitly with david kaufman suddenly going for higher pitches instead of the usual one he's done so far). there's really only one consistent motif in the entire show's OST. which isn't a bash against the music producer. it's a concern that the director of the show never asked him to change things up, and ONLY stuck to this one motif.

to briefly touch on the mean-spirited thing. there's multiple instances in the show where danny or someone else is seen fighting back against whatever has given them trouble, or they're taking matters into their own hands to ensure they won't be hurt ahead of time. and repeatedly, the show likes to kick these characters back down for trying to stand up. it's a trend in all of butch hartman's shows, and it's treated more like comedy than anything else. it's up to audience perception on how to view it. but for me personally, it starts to feel like an overused gag and turns into something more malevolent after seeing it overused almost every single episode.

okay besides that, i actually wanna look at specific examples of episodes that steve marmel wrote for. again, this is the guy who's more or less responsible for the show's serialization.

the complete list of episodes is as follows:

Mystery Meat, Parental Bonding, One of a Kind, Attack of the Killer Garage Sale, Splitting Images, What You Want, Bitter Reunions, Prisoners of Love, My Brother's Keeper, Shades of Gray, Fanning the Flames, Teacher of the Year, Fright Night, 13(Thirteen), Public Enemies, Memory Blank, Reign Storm, The Ultimate Enemy, The Fright Before Christmas, Secret Weapons, Flirting with Disaster, Micro Management , Kindred Spirits, and Reality Trip.

multiple episodes listed here are from the first season, which a lot of people consider the show's best. and of the handful listed for season 2, he wrote all of the hour-long specials.

i would be here for hours talking about how steve marmel tackles all of these characters and concepts significantly better than hartman does in season 3. but that's a topic best praised elsewhere. point is, if you watched any of these episodes and thought to yourself "wow, that was actually kinda clever," steve marmel is more or less the guy responsible.

butch hartman was in charge of direction, but that does not give him exclusive credit for every single line of dialogue or plot beat. there could be a LOT we just don't know because people on production staff don't want to comment. but the writing consistency taking a dive off the board by season 3, which is the same season that steve marmel departed from the project due to conflicting direction in the story? you might deduce that butch hartman was not the prized writer and artist behind this otherwise beloved cartoon.

to dredge up an easier-to-tackle target, season 3.

my criticisms are 18-year old echoes at this point, you've heard them all. from otherwise pointless episodes that don't develop the characters or world, to completely out-of-touch writing (looking at you, phantom planet) that juxtaposes the characters with everything we've been told about them so far. it became a slog of a season that didn't have any build-up to it's finale. the occasional gem of an episode like frightmare helped in some aspects. or the promise for something later with d-stabilized. but it all gets swept under the rug thanks to a rushed finale with poor build-up, bad writing direction for the characters, and most importantly, an unlasting effect on the viewer. (or a negative lasting effect, which is arguably worse)

for a season that knew it was on its last leg before inevitably needing to give up, there's seldom few episodes dedicated to advancing an overall narrative, and thus give a slimmer of hope for a satisfying conclusion. instead, the show goes all in with villain-of-the-week stories, and even the returning villains are hardly taken seriously or given more to do besides just being there.

of course, we know the reason steve marmel had left the project was because hartman wanted the show not to taken a more story-focused drive. it almost starts to feel like spite that kept the show so horribly grounded, letting it become stagnant before eventually being forgettable.

all this is in service of letting people know, it really wasn't butch hartman that made the show, not alone. death of the author and all that nonsense aside, he pitched the concept. and it takes a lot of love and dedication to make a concept something you can physically see and adore. don't let him swath in all the credit. recognize the others who made the work you can still enjoy.

#stormy weather #danny phantom #hey guess what i found in my drafts!!! #this is an INCREDIBLY old post #this is dating back to like almost 2016!!! #anyways i rewrote most of it because the og was a lil rough lol #but all of these feelings remain the same to this day #it's kinda wack #a younger me knew what he was feeling #and an older me knows how to say it

[loving-jack-kelly]

i think spot admires jack very deeply and looks up to him a lot but would rather be stabbed to death than ever say that out loud. btw. i think jack respects spot and everything that he's done more than almost anybody else in the world but would rather be set on fire than admit it. also.

#i think race is long suffering and good at convincing both of them to be more normal around each other #i think spot worries that jack looks down on him because he's younger #and jack worries that spot doesn't respect his leadership because his approach is so different #when really spot sees jack and understands that jack is doing exactly what he does but in a different way #and jack sees spot and sees a young person who stepped up and did better than he feels like he could have ever done at that age #they both know there's mutual respect there. they refuse to acknowledge it because it's hard. it's scary. #why admit there's more than raw nerves and an understanding to be left alone when they can stay as they were and not have to change anythin #race is like guys be best friends you'd be so good at it. #and spot is like no i need to be distant and aloof so he sees past my age and respects me as I am (he already does) #and jack is like no i need to be tough and unsocial so he understands I'm not just a friendly niceguy leader (he already does) #anyway a personal fave hc of mine that at least used to be fanon if it isn't still #is that jack and spot knew each other in the refuge and spot is several years younger than jack #i think like. 3-5 years younger. #newsies #spot conlon #jack kelly

[beansterpie]

rewatching LoK, i'm being reminded how much I dislike the.... the brothers, mako and bolin, yanno? they're such underwhelming characters on basically every level. it'd almost be impressive if they weren't in every episode and didn't annoy me so much ugh

#bean talking into the void #also this show in general is very flawed lol #cool things about it but the choice to structure it more like a #prestige tv show #as in each season follows One Story #is... i wouldn't say it was a bad choice but i feel like you can see the growing pains #switching over from the episodic structure of ATLA #s1 while flawed is solid #it knows what it's trying to do even if it doesn't always stick the landing #season two feels like a season-long filler episode LMFAO #which is hilarious because a lot of world-building stuff happens #but tonally it's all over the place #serious political plots interspersed with the B Plot following Tenzin and his family #on vacation??? #so fucking random #but anyway back to roasting the brothers #i find bolin just annoying in general his brand of comedy totally doesn't work for me #but at least he has like #a personality that's consistent #mako is sooooooo blah #the writers have no idea what to do with him and he comes across as having a strikingly boring personality #with no defining traits other than being wishy washy (and a boot licker) #it FEELS like he was meant to remind viewers of Zuko #at least in appearance if nothing else #another broody pretty boy to latch onto #but he has literally nothing interesting to actually get invested in #sure he's got his tragic backstory and he's the 'older brother who took care of his younger brother after their parents died' boo hoo #but that's all just exposition and it's barely shown in a way that feels illustrative or emotional in any way that matters #(other than him comforting bolin in s1 after he KISSES THE GIRL HE KNEW BOLIN HAD A CRUSH ON lmfaoooooo) #(what a good big brother lmfao)

[sysig]

When you weren’t looking (Patreon)

#Doodles #Adventure Time #Marceline #Fionna and Cake #Simon Petrikov #Just casually crying at my own art while I make it no biggie #Just ahhhh they do love each other! They want what's best for each other! But they missed each other so much!! And they still are!! #Both that they miss each other in the sense that they're lonely while together - Simon's Marceline was a child and Marcy's Simon was well #Not Ice King but also kinda yeah - and she'll never see him again #It's gotten be bittersweet #It's good that he has his mind! Very good! But he is forever un-changed/re-changed #I think it's canon that Simon was returned to being in his early 30s because Golb ate his age post him getting the crown? #It's not a retcon obviously lol but it's like his future has been retconned canonically in himself that's Gotta feel weird #But it basically undid the Simon that Marceline knew - the man who raised her was un-done even though they both remember him #Both of them just have to not think too hard about it probably :') #But even not thinking about that - Simon is still getting older! He's aging like a normal human again! And everything that comes with that #I love his crow's feet a lot <3 And his hair streak is so chic how did his genes know he would look so cute haha ♪ #Poor both of them - I do want them to be happy! They've just got so much sad! #I also think it's quite funny that all those years ago before I watched AT Marceline was the one fanart I made haha - the more things change #Still drawing her! I wonder if younger me would be surprised #I like her short hair :D Her long hair is lovely - all her hairstyles are lovely! - but the short hair is so cute #Really reminds me of her kid hairstyle ;u; I'm sure that doesn't hurt Simon at all haha #I draw it a lot like Tala's hairstyle as well haha - it's The Kid hairstyle!

[portraitofadyke]

As a huge interview with the vampire fan I had my doubts after the first episode but Sam Reid popped his whole pussy as lestat and left no crumbs

#interview with the vampire #iwtv tv #sam reid #like don’t get em wrong the whole cast is amazing #Louis voice carries so much more than it did in the original #and despite Kristen dunst being younger this Claudia feels much more tragic in her eternal youth #but lestat is my crush since I knew what crushes were #and I had doubts about this man #but my god #he fucking got me as much as he got louis #it’s me I’m the victim

[skitskatdacat63]

17,82

War AU x Second Love

Lmao Sam this is literally the plot to the Nandopoleon AU this exists in my head 😭😭

So Fernando is Napoleon, right? And Napoleon had two wives, right? Mark is his first love(i.e. Josephine), older than him, and who he is deeply in love with but has to divorce because Mark can't really provide anything(i.e. no political advantages, infertile, etc.) So Fernando needs to make a political marriage. And who does he marry! The young son of one of the most prominent monarchies in Europe: Lance, Archduke of Austria.

Lance is very resistant to this at first of course. All grumpy like, "Dad, why do you want me to marry the guy who just defeated us in four separate wars. He's literally beaten us since practically my birth, and now I have to marry him? Yuck." Both him and Fernando come into the marriage with bad expectations, Lance despising Fernando for all he represents and Fernando viewing Lance as just a means to an end. But Lance fits in to the kingdom very well and Fernando comes to adore him and pamper him all the time. And suddenly Lance to his father is all like, "the Emperor is great actually 🥰 I was so wrong 🥰"

Meanwhile Mark is just forced to the side, and has to watch while Fernando's love for him diminishes, and his love for Lance grows. They still talk a lot and spend time together, but Mark is constantly sniping at Fernando about his new "wife."

I think Lance would stick by Fernando's side during his exile and subsequent return. He grows to be more loyal to Fernando than to his own family and original kingdom. And even though Fernando originally just views him as a means to an end, he eventually lets Lance fight alongside when they are eventually drawn back into war. Maybe in this AU, he actually wins 😔

#imagine lance on the battlefield 😭😭 #hes been a pampered spoiled rich boy his whole life #but he really admires fernando and how different their upbringings were #i think he def recieved military training when he was younger just bcs thats what guys did back then no? #but obviously was never expected to ever fight in a war or be in battle #just his dad being like yeah ee have the best of the best military leaders so you should learn from them #and then eventually is drawn into battle himself bcs he doesnt want to leave fernando's side #<- irl the woman that Lance is based on cheated on Napoleon and they never interacted again post-Elba so 😬 #lance would be like IM GOING TO ELBA WITH HIM #and lawrence is like huh what no??? you have land to inherit still!!! #and lance just sulks in vienna for those eleven months of nando's exile #and then gets alerted abt his return and they have a very dramatic romantic reunion #where Lance commissions his own uniform and such and goes to greet Fernando lkke 'I knew you wouldnt leave me 🥹' #also the age gaps of mark-fernando-lance is remarkably close to the historical age gaps i am stealing from #<- literally only 1 and 5 years off. so im glad it fits so well 🤭🤭 #also yeah dw how pregnancy works ( ._.) it just does. mpreg :) we sweep it under the rug #also the thought of lawrence as francis i is funny to me just bcs i feel he should be cast as a driver or smth but its okay #also the 'third love' of this is just Seb as Alexander I whom Nando is weirdly obsessed with #catie.asks. #strollonso #webbonso #nandopoleon alonsoparte

[mars-ipan]

i just woke up from a wild fucking dream

#marzi speaks #idk what to tag this as but general tw for violent actions in these following tags #i was with a group and for some reason we had decided to kill the children of a family #i knew them somehow. don’t know how but i think we were close at one point #we went to kill the youngest and he was like a brother to me #i like. beat him within an inch of his life but i couldn’t land the killing blow #so i apologized to him and told him i loved him over and over and over while one of my group members snapped his neck #it was. audible #we escaped unnoticed but i was just wracked with guilt and sorrow #i was just pulling the group member i knew best to my house so i could tell her i didn’t wanna do it anymore #it. sucked. i still kinda feel guilty. for a member of my subconscious who resenbled a younger version of my brother #so weird bc i’m not even mad at him. idk

[bixiaoshi]

my mom trying to get me to say that i am smart is so funny to me

#ma'am i feel like the most inadequate person to have gotten the highest grade in my last exam. u're not gonna get me to say im smart #i think my biggest toxic trait is that no matter how much i know and learn i will never feel like i'm smart enough #actually ☝️🤓 everytime someone says they think i'm smart i think they're lying lol #idk if it's impostor syndrome or what but i rlly dont see myself as smart n i feel like everything i know is one google search away lmao #anyways!!! #i think it has to do a lot with the fact that i was never good in the maths field and i was always made feel stupid for not getting maths #when i was younger. mostly my dad. like every knowledge i had that wasnt maths was useless and everytime he gave me a fact i already knew #(which i always let him know) he got mad lol he didn't like it when i already knew stuff #so i kinda feel like everyone is lying to me when they say im smart bcs i just dont feel like i am #how is everyone saturdar afternoon!!! #jo.txt #also i dont think its a toxic trait but idk how to put it lol

[thiamblogger]

i love my mum sm and let me tell you why!!

me and her don't really talk much, like we do, but the way i was raised makes it kind of awkward to talk about certain things, personal things. although when i was younger i knew i could trust her with something as important as coming out, since she never cared for anyone else and she'd accepted my sister, even sat with her during her breakup with her gf.

i'm getting off track here, but basically earlier today i came downstairs to grab a snack and she calls my name, so obviously i go to her. she was in the living room and guess what she was doing?? guess.

SHE WAS LOOKING AT PRIDE PARADES FOR US TO GO TO 😭😭

#i actually love her sm #she has always done everything she can for me #and as much as my childhood makes her uncomfortable... #SHE NEVER PRETENDS LIKE I'M NOT TRAUMATISED!! #SHE ACTUALLY VALIDATES MY FEELINGS!! #I WAS CRYONG SO HARD EARLIER!! #😭😭 #and what makes it even funnier is how i actually came out. #like my sister told her because her and gf broke up #i came out but my mum already knew sonce my gf had literally been to our house and i wasn't subtle... #and then my younger brother didn’t ecen have to come out. #like there were so many signs in my childhood. #number one was how obsessed with clawdeen wolf i was #then there was the sharika x rihanna video #and how my only reasoning for niall being my favourite was how funny he was #i do like boys.. but i definitely LIKE woman more #who doesnt? #well.. my brother. #🌈

[prettyboybillyhargrove]

Sorry people are being assholes. Sending hugs your way.

Kind of feel protective of Billy because I have young cousins his age.

Thanks darling 💖

#daniacat #im overprotective over him because i know what he feels i have been there #he's younger than me now but i was at that age too i knew how it was #im gonna protect him forever i don't care what people says #crocus answers 🥀

[pussy-ache]

kinda wondering if i exaggerate the issue in my own mind

#then again. i cried cuz he told me his boyfriend bought him antacid #it was just such a sweet tiny intimate thing that i immediately started crying even though it’s so fucking stupid i could scream #i will literally never be able to meet his boyfriend literally ever. or anyone he ends up with. for the rest of his life. #i’ll never be able to look any of them in the eye as i lie through my teeth #sometimes i cry just thinking about that and how sad that is #how he deserves better than that #i cried for days after each art exhibit #i cried AT the exhibits. i walked away from him and cried #including the one when we were teenagers #i stand next to him and my body feels like it’s splitting apart at the seams from the effort of biting my tongue #i have gotten better cuz i used to cry significantly more when we were younger #i’d cry pretty much every time i was near him #which i guess still happens but i see him less so it’s not as common as it was #i can’t say i’m making it harder on myself on purpose. it is what it is. it’s always been this way #i always knew it would only get harder when we got older but still #it’s crazy because it’s so easy. like breathing. and i think that’s where the conflict arises #to fight against it is necessary but it’s not easy. it never has been tbh. #it’s like i’m holding my breath and pushing it as far down as i can when i should be naturally breathing. i keep choking on it. #it just always feel so inappropriate because i can’t control it i never know what to do or where to turn #it just makes me feel like a really bad friend

[ihaventsleptinweekz]

Okay vent/ bad person alert but I'm really enjoying being the person to ice out my father for once. This is slightly beyond me trying to send a message at this point

#Massive vent below #Like I'm definitely trying to send a message. Do this again and I'm gone for good #But also. It's kind of enjoyable. Which probably makes me a bit of a terrible person but it's like. Dare I say it a bit of revenge #This is my bad person alert like vent but from a bad person pov #It's nice to for once not be the one clamoring to please him. #I should definitely stop soon though otherwise I'd definitely be an asshole #I'm in so much emotional turmoil right now its not even funny . #Like so much of this situation feels like my fault it makes me sick #Like. I'm the one who trusted my father and told him my brother hadn't listened to him #Like it was MY FAULT my 7 year old brother was dragged sobbing and begging out of his hiding spot and slammed to the ground #I get it's my father who did it but guess what. I'm the one who told him #And when I got between them what the fuck did my father do??? Tried to use ME running between them as a guilt trip AGAINST A 7 YEAR OLD #'She threw herself in front of you because she knew you pushed me too far' NO THE FUCK I DID NOT #I hate him so bad for that. That has left an awful taste in my mouth for days #And now my brother is avoiding me and it's so awful #My dad told him that I'm the one who told dad he hadn't brushed his teeth #This is what this is all over btw. He didn't brush his teeth #Then he said all sorts of awful things to him and I'm just so so sick. #And the sugar on the cream is I can't even like. . #He's threatened to kill himself over stuff like this before. Like when I was younger he'd do shitty stuff then threaten to kill himself #And it's like a guillotine over our heads right now. #I pulled my mom aside and said you should comfort him because I hate him too much to say a singular nice thing to him for a week at least #And she took that so seriously that she's mad at me for not forgiving him yet . #Like I've been such a mess this week I literally do nothing but loose . #I'm feeling better though and getting out of the house tmrw! .which I also feel guilty about #Because I'm basically passing the eldest child crown to my sister and saying I'm leaving you're in charge of guilt now #lol #But also not lol #Not even a little bit lol #But it'll be fun I hope

[somekindafairy]

relatively soon im going to be the same age (and then older than) my dad was when he died and idk how im going to deal with that honestly

#he was 36 when he died #when i was 14 #and i knew he was young but god the closer to that age i get the younger it feels #... #grief man wtf #still fucking me up all these years later #and i assume forever #what a world #death tw #?

[prickly-paprikash]

Kendrick doesn't just hate Drake as a person. He hates the very idea of Drake.

Hip-Hop is rooted in revolution. In defiance. These are the songs of an oppressed group of people, and decades upon decades people have hated it. Accused of being meaningless and invalid. Media outlets took steps to belittle hip-hop and make sure it isn't recognized as an art form and as a means to fight back.

2Pac spoke of wealth disparity and inequality. Tupac was literally a member of a communist organization when he was younger and never stopped speaking against capitalism.

Lauryn Hill spoke of the struggles a woman faces. Not just women, but black women. Salt-N-Peppa. Queen Latifah. MISSY FUCKING ELLIOT.

N.W.A made sure people knew about police brutality and violence against the Black community.

And now, in this day and age, we're also experiencing an explosion of Queer Hip-Hop. Lil Nas X is at the forefront of this. Lil Uzi Vert came out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, even when they knew that a lot of their fans would never use it or even respect them for it. Auntie Diaries, a song about a young man who grew up in a transphobic environment and bought into those beliefs, but could never fully do it because his Uncle loved him so much and taught him a lot of life lessons, and that wisdom translated to him accepting his cousin as a woman as well.

Drake is none of that.

He's the perfect representation of what people think hip-hop is. Flexing. Posturing. Objectifying women. A fucker so insecure he bought 2Pac's ring just to feel like he's part of the black community. Rejected by Rihanna publicly. Tried to groom Millie Bobby Brown. Kissed and inappropriately touched an underage girl during his concert. His songs have inspired so many young boys to treat girls like shit. His belief that the amount of rings and chains and cars he has is the true meaning of success.

Additional Edit: This is my fault. If this post gains more views, then it would be remiss of me not to add to this. It was my fault to begin with, not stating this beforehand because while I did know, I got lost in celebrating Hip-Hop in a place that doesn't usually do so, and rightfully so.

2Pac did fight for wealth equality and better social living for the black community. He also has a long, long history of battery, domestic abuse, and sexual harassment against women. Specifically against women of color. He made a song to celebrate his own mother, but outright refused to give the same show of respect to other women in his life. His hypocritical nature was brushed off in later decades, just the way I did now.

N.W.A is the same. Sexual assault charges, violence—they spoke of Police reform, but refuses to give the same treatment back towards the women in their lives.

50 cent refuses to backtrack on any of his misogynistic lyrics.

Modern rappers of today, such as the dead XXXtentacion. 6ix9ine. Kodak Black.

I do love Hip-Hop. I love rap. And the music itself has always been anti-authoritarian at its core, because those are its roots. And I was happy that circles that did not normally know of it or enjoy it were getting into it, even for one thing like this rap feud.

Lil Nas X, Little Simz, Childish Gambino, Missy Elliot, Queen Latifah, Lauryn Hill—rappers who have at the very least consistently tried to put their money where their mouth is. Who have tried to act in accordance to what they rap and write and sing for.

@shehungthemoon @ohsugarsims finnthehumanmp3 were the ones who rightfully clarified in the comments. I know an apology won't correct my hypocrisy or my stupidity. I should have added all of this before making this post, but I wanted so badly to celebrate a genre of music but failed to do my due diligence in showing a better, holistic view of it. If anyone felt triggered, offended, troubled, frustrated or any other intense negative emotions surrounding this, please do block me. I'm sorry.

#kendrick lamar #drake #music #hip hop

[scare-ard--sleigh]

not to be earnest on main but um ,,, Something Happened ,,,,

#silver jelly #my grandfather on my mom's side passed away today. he was what we call a Controversial Figure (he was not a nice man) #im not sure he even knew i was out. i haven't talked to him in a lot of years. #but its still weird and im feeling really weird about it but i keep making these like gallows humor jokes bc shdhsjdj #i don't????? know what to say or how im supposed to feel ???? #dude was in his 90s and my cousin and aunt were taking care of him and i feel so bad. and i feel bad that i wasn't really there #but i Never thought even when i was younger that he wanted me there bc he didn't really like nana and she was like my 3rd parent #and wow this is hard! this fucking sucks lmao! feeling kind of weird in this chili's tonight !!

[spittingstar]

eowax

#i guess i am sad that the person i removed from my life just accepted that they won't be in my life without a word #but then again ofc i would be sad the person i am in love with doesn't like me so much that he is okay with just walking fully away #also #i stand correct in calling him a coward emotionally since he said nothing since it shows he can not even write a measly response #like a normal person in order to communicate respect #but if he does not respect himself enough to admit how he feels abt anything then how could he ever show that for anyone else #also i deserve friends who don't make me feel like i'm crazy for being normal #and don't make me feel like i'm too much for doing normal girl things #it's all just on my mind bc my dream was abt me finding his old tik tok (made up) and then watching all of them #you know i think the reason why he can't handle me now verses when i first knew him is that now i have more confidence #then i was so scared that if i did anything he would fly away #so i got really sick in the head and was constantly stressed bc all i was thinking abt was him and how to keep him #but i was so afraid to say anything #but now i am capable for actualizing bc i know what i derserve #but that's too scary for him so he has to go find any even younger girl who is just as insecure as him #emotionally under cooked #and i would second guess myself if i didn't know how all his other relationships have ended #it's all been him ghosting ppl or having terrible communication issues #so much so at one point an ex of his stalked me bc she blamed me for his relationship ending #i often wonder if he just doesn't respect women but i really believe he just doesn't respect himself #uhhhhhhhh whatever time to have chloe peace time and then ask out the kind man who owns that clothing store and likes good music