#and every time i tell them that i myself feel like im getting better it feels like im gaslighting myself because am i really??? are the meds

[that-jack-kline-bestie]

so fucking upset. i looked up what's considered concerning weight loss and got a statistic. i looked up the same question but specified teens and i got a bunch of articles about how to lose weight. what the fuck

#tw weight loss #? idk if that tags necessary but better safe than sorry #past this point there is discussion of ARFID and stuff #LMFAO also ive had a medium to mild case of ARFID my entire life and no one noticed past concern for my pickiness #i say medium to mild because ive gotten better recently #i even ate half a bowl of the noodles i dont like the other day. AND they had been touched by shrimp & cabbage juice & soft peanuts #i mean i did drown them in soy sauce first and got nauseous thinking about it the rest of the day. but progress #i mean. im the type of person to skip a meal or barely eat because i dont like the food available or its too loud where i am #my adhd impacts it too like sometimes ill forget to eat or wont be able to make anything that day #but like goddamn. a growing child should be gaining weight. 'we should keep an eye on that' every single time and then no action #you know maybe thats part of why my body hurts sometimes and feels weird and shaky other times #its hard to tell based on how bony i am or whatever because i also naturally am a string bean and im not. like. starving myself #i get the same comments about how i should eat more and how im so skinny when im healthy and when im not #or i used to. people are generally less intrusive now that im older #gosh i need to flex my metaphorical brain muscles more i put way too much thought into the wording of this

[softshuji]

y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why. #i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you' #or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

[bmpmp3]

I NEEED to go back to making art that makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that theres something wrong with my brain BUT NOT in a cool or stylishly interesting way. i need to do it in a way that makes people say "hm." and walk away

#sowwy ive been kinda going through it in my fine arts major rn can u tell HJKSDHKFd #ive been feeling like. scared. and paralyzed by marketability and branding. #i cant stop thinking about how other people will see my art. but not like in a good way #when i was younger i thought about it in a good way. like hee hee hoo hoo the act of looking connected us hee hee #but rn i keep thinking about it in like this wretched like consumer product mindset? ouhhghhhhh el problema es el capitalismo #and like maybe this works for some people. to think like this. to make art like this. its what my professors push me towards #not intentionally. they dont say it out loud at least. im not sure if they know or not some of the irony #my professors are nice and pretty smart and talented and i like em. but sometimes i wonder like. the push for us as students to make like #marketable 'avant garde'? stuff thats safe but pretending to be weird and out there #i dont mean to sound pretentious. in general i play it too safe myself (spent too much time as an edgy 10 year old with my #parents freaking out over my shoulder because they think the fact that i drew an anime character frowning means something serious LOL) #but i dunno man. my least interesting art with the least amount of care thought or effort always gets so much more attention in school #nowhere else oddly. online? people like my more passionate but seemingly frivolous art (oc art etc. not frivolous to me but yknow how it is #same with irl artists and other industry people outside my school. whats going on in my school LOL #i know from experience i cant push myself into a supposedly marketable brand. if i try to make something sell it will not. #i dont know why. maybe theres an invisible essence buyers can tell when i didnt care jkfsldjdfrds #but my teachers LOOOOVE the stuff i put no passion in its so bizarre orz but i gotta relearn how to ignore half of their advice #i used to be better at it. but i also only used to ignore like a quarter of their advice. maybe i need to amp up how much im ignoring #that sounds mean. they have plenty of good advice. but also plenty of advice thats clouded by their own biases #and i gotta relearn how to sort out this stuff again. i forget every few months for some reason #you know i always think ouuhhhhh i act so neurotypical ouhhhhhhhhh im outgoing i talk to strangers all the time i seem confident #im so masked IM SO MASKED but then i go a couple weeks where every conversation i have has people looking at me like #i have two heads and neither of them are speaking their language. and then i descend into madness like this HJKLDSHJDS #i'll be fine i'll figure it out. i need to stop trying to get a good grade in being a 'cutting edge' conventional artist <3 #i need to just. draw my cartoon characters in peace 😔😔😔

[8rujaa]

okay, i might let people in

#i’ve been nonstop talking to this person for a few days now #like nonstop we’ll have multiple convos going at once and having to use voice messages to catch up to everything lol #our conversations have yet to die since the first one we’ve had #it feels very very very refreshing to find someone who can keep up #and we have so many things in common but like i’ve always found myself to be a lil weird and have out of the ordinary interests #not trying to say that ‘i’m not like other girls’ LMFAO but it’s hard to find ppl with this many things in common #like one or two things i get but we’ve been able to connect on so many things #even like chronic pain which like is nice to find someone who understands #so now i’m like actually excited for the first time about meeting someone #i’m very very excited and they’re so so so sweet #i feel like i can always tell who’s been in therapy because we tend to carry conversations in a similar way … does that make sense??? 🤣 #like u know how there’s ‘gentle parenting’ #i feel like there’s a specific way people who have been in therapy speak to others #they’re always so mindful of boundaries and also reciprocal #in conversations #we also have the same taste in music which is wild cuz i listen to every genre in existence and music from many different languages/culture #our spotify blend goes crazy 🤣🤣 #we’ve only been talking for a week so i’m trying not to get my hopes up but im just excited 😆😆😆 #lmao but like even if we just end up becoming friends i’m still happy to meet someone who’s so similar :D #i’ve been wanting friends who also struggle with the same things so we can do selfcare things together or maybe just chill on high pain day #and we will know how to be there for each other a little better than ppl who don’t get it.. i crave that real bad 🥲 #i realize i sound delulu as fuck cuz i haven’t even met them in person but i can already tell we’re going to get along 😌😌😌😌 #i’m aware of how delulu i sound and maybe i’m getting my hopes up but it truly does feel like i was waiting for someone like this 🥹

[puppyeared]

weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other

#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda #disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet #my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree #i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only #feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case #by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic #and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be #really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing #maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm #like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be #ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk #its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i #were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work #im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel #it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh #maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao #yapping #txt

[kugisaaki]

im glad to see that my parents don’t adhere to the stigma surrounding mental health and were the ones that told me that its okay to get help on their own BUT i dont think they know that it doesn’t go away just like that…

#esp w my ocd. they told me it’s perfectly fine w them if i wanted to see a doctor but then ive been going for months and they’re like but #why u still have ocd 🤔 and i know that this whole thing is new to them and im their only child and im glad we’re breaking that cycle but #it kinda makes me </3 bc im trying to be better too and it feels like i have to rush the getting better process bc every time i tell them i #have an appointment they’re like but youre still not completely better…???? is the doctor even useful??? #and every time i tell them that i myself feel like im getting better it feels like im gaslighting myself because am i really??? are the meds #really effective ??? like i can see tangible evidence of them being effective but at the same time bc of the constant idea they have that i #should be better already because it’s been months is starting to affect me too. but when i tell them that i think im getting better they’re #like okay well if u say so. it feels like they don’t agree but they’re saying so for my sake and i leave the matter at that and then the #cycle repeats over and over again and it kind of feels </3 because i feel like there’s something wrong w me that im not already 100% better #but i do appreciate them for taking the initiative in helping me so like i feel like i can’t complain about this………. #and when my mom shows literally symptoms of it while my dad passed on the anxiety genes to me… it’s like they both have it but became so #accustomed to it (touch wood n thank god it’s mild enough to easily handle for them) their whole lives that they think my ones is the exact #same…&:$837;)3&2 #mehak.exe

[kkoct-ik]

i can def relate to having an abusive mother, the worst part is that people always assume mothers to be good people. thankfully my dad and mother don't live together so i chose to stay with my dad permanently but my dad's girlfriend is constantly talking about how i should make up with my mother because "you only get one mom" and she completely ignores me when i try to talk about how abusive my mother was

yeah. ugh. sorry about your situation anon. it sucks and im sending sympathies

#ask #i just dunno what to do with myself #as if complex trauma isnt enough im now dealing with a lot of complicated situations regarding what to do now #i dont live there anymore. but my siblings do. hi guys i have 4 younger siblings #and me as much as everybody else just wishes there was a nice family to help us develop stable and normal #so im doing my damn best. im trying to stay in contact with the kids. im hoping they have a better support system than i did #but family policy means the teens get no texting privacy no internet time. so as if i can fucking stay in touch and look out for them anywa #i dont think i can do anything. it feels inevitable that every kid is gonna get completely fractured like me #and the only other alternative risks making it worse and uncomfortable when its none of my business anymore #(taking up my therapist on calling cps. lol) #i cant talk about it with my siblings (no real access to them) and it makes me insane #i cant talk to my dad because he has enough shit and i dont want to drive the family to pieces #i cant talk to my mum because she has a habit of abusing the kids and then telling them its because *I* made her mad; blame me #what am i meant to do #as if the past isnt a lot to process right now. im also dealing with the present that this is probably ongoing and theres fuck all i can do #sorry for venting. im in hell. im trying to be normal and failing spectacularly #abuse #domestic abuse #for cw #i wish i didnt have to worry. i wish this was never a problem in the first place

[s0fter-sin]

finally figured out the reason it’s been difficult to get back into reading books after reading fic for so long is so many fantasy books are just self inserts and the mc has no personality beyond the bare minimum

#i dont want to imagine myself in the characters place #i didnt just spend 30 bucks for you to give me a long form imagine #i can do that by myself #i dont want a blank shell i want a character #like you read fics and they feel completely different depending on whos pov youre reading from #i think its why sp is still my favourite series despite it being ya #val is arrogant and selfish and she fucks up and doesnt get the boy she wants #her relationships constantly fail and theyre not the main point the plot always is #she has so many flaws and that helps serve the narrative #shes a character and im reading her experiencing things #not me vicariously experiencing things with the blandest possible reactions so i can pretend theyre my reactions #damn near every fantasy goes the same way #im new to this world/my powers and i need help/cant control them and the mysterious boy everyone tells me to stay away from and is super #mean to me has begrudgingly decided/is forced to help me and i discover hes only mean bc of tragic thing and he opens up to me #and the powers/world are never the point except that im secretly royalty and/or the chosen one that will end this war/battle without #really doing much #and i learn to master my powers by believing in myself and my emotions bc its 2023 and fem characters still have to fall into this trope #i want an interesting mc that drives the plot and is equal to the love interest #or better yet the love interest is so far in the background its only brought up in book 4 #lay some ground work for fucks sake theres no time limit this isnt a movie #heres hoping the bunch i bought the other day do that and get me back into it #or ill just re read the same four series ive been reading since i was 12 #and stick to fic as my main source of entertainment #it hasnt let me down so far #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all #idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back #it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that #but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time #i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw #i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at #hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed #that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer #and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself #miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk #how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my #increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social #interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better #its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab #ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the #void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting #idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again #but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group #maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from #getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules #unrelated

[viderose]

he’s annoying, i don’t like him (he hasn’t given me as much attention lately)

#im fighting for my life out here #i feel so childish and annoying. like rationally ik i can’t have his undivided attention. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want it sometimes🥺 #i think what actually is happening is that im worrying he’s about to ghost #i feel bad thinking that though. bc he seems like a very honest and mature person? with how he talks abt things i don’t think he would rly #ghost me after talking for this amount of time. but ya never can tell…. every time we don’t talk as much for a few days i get very nervous #and it’s weirdly quite difficult to push that worry out of my head. and then i get annoyed with myself for worrying about it to begin with #like i can’t control what he does so why worry about his hypothetical actions? i’ll deal w the consequences of them if or when they occur. #if we stop talking i’ll feel sad and i’ll miss him for a bit and then i’ll get over it. that’s all. it’s not that bad. #but anyway my point is we good #sometimes idk if id truly feel That sad. i think it depends how it ends. #or maybe i just don’t think anyone can hurt my feelings as much as the first person to hurt my feelings in a specific way #like you experience a loss or betrayal or grief - whatever - the first time and it’s all encompassing. it feels like it could genuinely kill #you it hurts so bad. and every subsequent loss or betrayal or grief you experience just isn’t the same? you barely flinch #maybe it’s because you learn to process those emotions better or maybe it’s keeping things at arm’s length as a protective measure #that means nothing hurts as much as the first thing #idk #this became a silly ramble #im just very attached to him and i miss him when he’s busy but also don’t want to ask too much for fear of being a nuisance or rejected :) #ykwim? #i miss him a lot

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[caffeinatedopossum]

When I had that panic attack the other day, my girlfriend really put some things into perspective... I don't know, I think I feel bad because this is the best my life has ever been and I'm still depressed and anxious. It feels like I can't do anything for myself and the things I can do, I don't.

But she said that she would feel the same in my position. That actually, when she was the most depressed, she *was* in my position. She said she'd go crazy from not being able to do anything all the time and for some reason that helped a lot. Like, just to hear that its not wrong to feel like this and that I really am doing everything I can.

It feels so greedy and selfish to look at my life being the best it's ever been and to still ask for more but I guess it's normal.

#i genuinely havent processed how much better things can get still because it feels like it will never happen #like im probably going to be getting top surgery this year. almost definitely even #but i cant believe it. ive waited so long that it seems like somethimg *has* to mess this up for me too #my whole life people have treated me like i need to just push through my anxieties. if i just pushed through then id feel better #if i just pushed through then id be normal #but now its even worse. i cant leave my house without help and its not that i *wont* i actually can't #i can push myself to but it isnt normal. im internally on the verge of a panic attack anytime im outside alone or in an unfamiliar place #but people dont see those things. they just look at me and see that i can but i choose not to #how do i tell them that not every choice is that easy #ny choices arent what to eat for breakfast and which parent will pick up the kids from school #its whether i stay in my house anxious and depressed and pain or leave my house for the promise of it getting better #knowing that 9 out of 10 times it has made it much worse #its deciding whether or not to ask for help when you need support but the problem cant be 'helped' #trying to guage what people will and wont take it personally that i have problems they simply arent qualified to fix #and even some problems that no one can fix

[southislandwren]

ALRIGHT I’m home now and I also called my mom and my dad was listening in too. Anyway my dad says that that line about going from there is him being like. Into the idea and not just agreeing to hanging out because I’m asking. And my friends were like WOOOHOOOOO but idk man I am so stressed out I don’t want to fuck this up 😭

edited to add (so i dont spam posts tonight) i think on saturday i'll wear my normal clothes and hat but i'll keep my hair down. hes seen me without a hat on briefly (via fieldtrips and wearing hardhats, and at work, but that's with my hair in a bun and a hairnet on) but hes never seen my hair like. Down. and i want saturday to be like subtly special. not like knock his socks off special but yknow. a little more vulnerable than jeans and a sweatshirt

#I mean you guys have literally been here since I was first like ohhhh #man idk. I like him and I want to see what happens #and I think I’ll stay in SD a little longer anyway because I really cannot go home. it’s so fucking noisy and smelly all the time #argghhhhhh. okay I’m going to eat dinner now #I love you tumblrinas #alright im back from dinner. anyway that thing about staying in SD is like if I DO end up in a relationship i dont want it to just end #and hes staying in SD. but unless i got a job at His Job we'd be commuting anyway #but 2 hours or whatever is better than 14 #anyway. im getting ahead of myself. but i just need a good reason to not go home #i just cant do it. i cant go home. #for one thing. its easier to deal with the grief if im not Right There looking at his food dishes every day #oogh also.... hes gonna have to hear about sam eventually. especially if we start dating. which will coincide with March pretty well #i dont know about that.... #i mean i told my friends tonight i was like 'i have so many secrets' and they were like you dont have to tell him EVERYTHING. #but idk i do feel like if im gonna trust someone enough to date them they should know my secrets #im so scared lol idk how people just do this shit #also what if hes a good little christian boy and hates gay people. IM a gay people. #okay anyway i NEED to study for repro like this is life or death. i need to pass repro #(life or death bc either me or dad will end me if i fail lmaooooo) #boy post

[epicdogymoment]

god my brain is so fucking hilarious

#leologisms #executive dysfuntion tips and they just DONT WORK FOR ME! because haha ha ha guess what. to do these tips you need to DO THEN #you need to DO THEM. and apparently i cant even get it together enough to do THAT!!!!!! #cant do body doubling because to do that id need to call up a friend and UH OH! WOAH! WOOOAAAAH DUDE!!!!!!!!! WHEEEWWWW #cant break tasks down into smaller tasks because i keep getting distracted by the big picture #and breaking the huge daunting task just means i have a million tiny things swarming me. cant fucking pick them off one by one. #like im standing in the middle of a swarm and someone looking on from the side is telling me to just deal with the insects one by one. fuck. #cant use brain tricks like doijg a different small productive task for the dopamine boost because thar just #means im not doing the BIG IMPORTANT THING im SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. every fucking second that im not dealing with that is wasted #AND GUESS WHAT!!!! I HAVENT BEEN DEALING WITH IT!!!!!! THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!! #just me swinging back and forth between distracting myself and feeling the full force of the fucking panic #and all the while NEVER DOING ANYTHING!!!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. god. i dont think im ever gonna get that diagnosis #and im never gonna get on medication and it probably never is gonna get better for me. is there a future for people who suck at life

[gaystardykeco]

i just wish there was a way for me to put out like a cry for help like I need help and support rn from someone but i just don't have anyone i really feel like i could ask and i don't really even know what i need or think anyone could help so ultimately there's no point, im just so painfully lonely

#sorry to be so whiny today its just hitting extra hard today and idk why #i think maybe bc the last thing i had to look forward to is really over now #like im really probably not going to get to hang out with a friend again any time in the next few months at least #even virtually like i dont have anyone that would even call with me anymore #i know i did this to myself and i dont have a right to be sad but im just so lonely #i feel so empty and doomed and i miss having people to talk to #i just want to tell someone about the tv shows ive been watching and have a conversation and feel okay #i just miss everyone so much #so so so much every day with my whole being i miss all my friends and i know in my heart that none of them miss me like that #bc ultimately they all have other better ppl to be around and i just dont #the friends i had were so good and they were all the best ppl i couldve had around me and theyre all gone and it hurts so much #anyway sorry i know this is dramatic its just been a rough day #maybe tomorrow this will feel a little less bad but today the loneliness is just too much