#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[padfootagain]

Girl Crush (VII)

Chapter 7: A Time For Lilac

 Here we go for a new chapter!!! It's getting a little angsty over here… oops?

I'm still very efficient writing this story, so I'll keep on updating it every 48 hours!

I hope you like this new chapter!! Tell me what you think about it :)

Word Count: 2887

It was the fourth time that this man came to the shop, and seemed to wait until you were available to walk inside and ask for a bouquet. Sometimes for his mother, sometimes for his sister, sometimes for a cousin, but never for his girlfriend.

Four visits in less than two weeks, you were starting to get a little suspicious.

Ever since the brilliant success of the wedding you had planned (that had almost turned into a disaster, but had been saved by your friends), you had earned more freedom in your work, alongside a nice raise. It was still far from enough to even imagine asking for a loan to the bank, but slowly, you were building a little pile of gold. A few years, and you would eventually have a chance at buying your own shop.

But these were days to be planned far ahead. In your immediate future, what needed your attention the most was this man coming again and again to the shop to see you.

Jasmine had dropped by, waiting for you so you could get lunch together. She was chatting with Sandra while you finished the bouquet of a client.

And that's when the mysterious man entered in the shop.

He was staring at you as you waved at the customer goodbye, and you welcomed him with a smile as he approached the counter.

"Hello, miss," he shyly smiled. "I… I was wondering if you could help me get a bouquet."

"Sure, what kind do you want?"

"Uhm… it's for… my colleague. She's just had a baby."

"Oh, one for congratulations then! I would advise… irises of course, they're perfect for congratulations and… some lilac too, to wish a good luck for the next step in life."

"That sounds perfect," he nodded.

Meanwhile, Jasmine was carefully watching the scene unfolding before her.

Because it was so obvious that this man was only here for you.

You, on the other hand, seemed partly oblivious, but not completely. She guessed that you suspected that something was up but had connected the dots yet. She wasn't surprised. You didn't believe in yourself enough when it came to relationships.

"Alright, I'll make you a bouquet with these then… Gareth, right?"

He gave you a bright grin, tumbling on his words a little, because you remembered his name.

"Yeah… that's… that's it. Y/N, right?"

You pointed at the pin with your name on your shirt.

"Yep!"

You laughed as you prepared his bouquet, and Jasmine was ready to throw up at how Gareth was giving you crazy heart-eyes…

Five minutes later, and he was leaving with a beautiful bouquet, and you were joining your friend to cross the street to buy some Tacos and eat lunch in the little park up the street.

"You didn't tell me about your secret admirer," Jasmine blurted out as you were taking a bite of your food.

"What do you mean?" you replied, your words distorted as you chewed on your food.

"Gareth! The guy in the shop. He was all mushy around you."

"He wasn't!"

"He was! How many times has he come to the shop?"

"Four times in ten days…?"

"Yeah, he wants to shag you."

"Jasmine!"

"Okay, date you… whatever."

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head, but the thought lingered in your mind.

"Do you really think that though?"

She knowingly nodded.

"Yep, I'm sure. But I didn't think you would be interested…"

"What do you mean?"

"What about Harry?"

You snorted in response, and took another bite of your tacos to avoid looking at your friend.

"Harry is my friend. My best friend."

"Harry is handsome and adorable."

"Harry is my best friend."

She put down her food, sign that she was getting serious. But if you thought that she was going to say something ridiculous, you were completely wrong this time. When she spoke again, her words were wise and concerned, so different from her usual light tone.

"Look, I've known you for years. I know when something is up with you. And I think that you really need to take a decision about how your relationship with Harry is going to evolve. Because you're falling for him, sweetie, and I really don't want to see you getting hurt."

You shrugged her remark away.

"He doesn't see me like that."

"How do you know? Have you asked him?"

You snorted once more.

"Don't be ridiculous! Of course not!"

"Then how do you know?"

You let out a breathy laugh, that sounded a little more bitter than what you meant to reveal about how you truly felt.

"I just know. He doesn't see me like this at all. I mean… look at me! Do you really think that I'm the kind of woman to write songs about? Of course not. It's not me at all. I'm his best friend, and that's all."

"Can I give you an advice then?"

"You're going to even if I refuse."

"Get him out of your system," Jasmine warned you. "Get him out before he settles there too much. Before he can truly slip under your skin. Gareth sounds like he is exactly what you need. Find someone else before your heart settles for someone you can't have."

You thought about it as you chewed on your food.

"I don't know… it feels like second choices…"

"You've just told me that you weren't going to be with Harry, so he's not really second choice, if Harry isn't one."

You nodded.

"I guess…"

"You should listen to me and squeeze the feeling before it becomes heartbreaking."

You chuckled.

"No worries, it's not that bad."

The pinch of guilt in your heart though made you think that perhaps you were lying a little now…

But you chose, as always, to ignore the feeling and look away. Some truths were not meant to be faced.

Harry was beyond nervous.

He wasn't done with his album yet, far from it, but he had finished this one song that… he thought it was good. He thought is was very good, actually.

But then, he had made it, crafted it himself with his friends and colleagues, and he reckoned that it ought to blur his judgement towards the piece. There was only one way to make sure that he wasn't heading in the wrong direction: he had to ask someone else's point of view. And who could help him better than you?

No, you weren't a musician, but that was an advantage in his eyes. He had spent so long working on this song in the studio, he needed someone who was completely out of the whole process of making music to tell him if there was any good in this or not.

He trusted you with his life, he would do anything you asked him blindly. He had absolutely no fear of you telling anyone about the song. It would be safe in your hands.

He climbed the steps to your apartment too fast, his lungs burning, but he paid little attention to his lack of air.

In his hand was the memory stick upon which he had saved his song. He hadn't told you about it at all, you were simply supposed to spend the evening together. Sleepless in Seattle was on TV, so it obviously called for an evening in, watching rom coms all night through while eating pizza and these chocolate chip cookies you adored. He had a whole bag of those in his purse to get you through the night.

He wasn't surprised to find the door open for him and didn't bother knocking.

"Hi, Y/N!" he chimed, coming in and locking the door behind him before taking off his shoes and throwing his jacket on the back of your armchair.

You were sitting on your sofa, already in your pyjamas, buried under two blankets while reading a book, and he couldn’t refrain the tender smile that made its way to his lips at the sight.

"Hi, Harry!" you grinned up at him, and let him lean down to kiss your cheek before he would settle on the sofa by your side. "How are you? How was your day?"

"Uhm… fine… what about you?"

"Great. Had lunch with Jas. It was nice."

"Hmm."

"So… pizza?"

"Pizza," he nodded.

You only needed a couple of minutes though to see that he was nervous, for some reason.

"Is everything okay?" you asked him with concern making you frown.

"Yeah… yeah… uhm… actually… can I ask for a favour?"

He seemed all shy now. What was wrong with him tonight?

"Of course! Anything."

He nervously ran a hand through his curls, messing his hair a little.

"I… uhm… I just… need your… opinion on something."

"Sure! What is it?"

"Uhm… I've just finished this song today… or at least I think it's done but, uhm… I'm not sure is it good or not so… could you listen to it and then tell me what you think?"

Your expression turned from worried to ecstatic in 0.1 second.

"YES! Of course! Oh, I'm so excited! Can I listen to it now?"

He wasn't expecting to see you so excited about it, but then, he didn't know what else he could have been expected from you. You were always so supportive with him.

"Sure, here."

He handed you the memory stick.

"You… don't have to do it right now though…"

But you were already reaching for your computer, so he let out a chuckle and reached for his phone.

"I guess I'm the one in charge of ordering the pizza for tonight," he smiled while dialling the right number.

The song was all there was on the memory stick.

Sign of the Times

So you just clicked on it…

"I'm gonna get some wine," Harry mumbled, jumping to his feet and hurrying to disappear in the kitchen.

He picked up two glasses and one of your bottles of red wine, knowing where everything was stowed, as if he were in his own home. But then, your home was a little bit his as well, just like Harry's large house was a second home to you.

He heard the first notes of the piano rising from the living room, and his heart started to beat so damn fast…

What if you didn't like it? What if you thought it was terrible? What if he had been wrong for the past few months?

His voice rang through the apartment as well, deep and soft and sounding exactly how he wanted it to sound like. Would it be enough though?

On one hand he reckoned that he was an artist, and he had to stick to what he wanted to achieve with this song. He wanted to make a record in which he would be himself, sing songs full of honesty, talking about stories he wanted to talk about…

But then, there was the reality of being good or terrible, and he had lost sight of this thin line between the two after so many hours spent on that one song.

He took a deep breath, and made his way back to the living room to see your reaction, no matter how terrified he was.

The guitar and drums were kicking in as his eyes fell on you. You had closed your eyes, your hand resting on your heart. You seemed to be breathing more heavily than usual.

So… that was the kind of songs he had in his heart, huh?

You felt overwhelmed, to be honest. The song was beautiful, and the lyrics pulled at all the right strings in your heart, and his voice… God, his voice was heavenly.

A thousand emotions crossed your frame as you listened intently to every detail of the song, from the melody to the instruments and the way his voice changed. A thousand emotions because of the song itself, because of its lyrics, because of how Harry's voice carried so much passion it was tearing your heart apart, but also because a realization was suddenly coursing through your veins, and you didn't want it to.

Just stop your crying

Have the time of your life

Breaking through the atmosphere

And things are pretty good from here

Remember everything will be alright

We can meet again somewhere

Somewhere far away from here

A single tear rolled down your cheek, but you were too immersed into the song to brush it away.

Your best friend had made that…

We never learn, we been here before

Why are we always stuck and running from

The bullets?

The bullets

It was his voice speaking such lyrics, and all you wanted to do was hold him close and never let go.

Just stop your crying

It's a sign of the times

We gotta get away from here

We gotta get away from here

Stop your crying

Baby, it will be alright

They told me that the end is near

We gotta get away from here

This realization that had punched you in the guts though, it was so obvious now… You had been right all along.

We never learn, we been here before Why are we always stuck and running from The bullets? The bullets

Of course, you had always known the truth. You had simply done a wonderful job at hiding it right in the spotlight.

We don't talk enough

We should open up

Before it's all too much

Will we ever learn?

We've been here before

It's just what we know

There really was no need to talk about any of this. What an idiot you had been to ever question it, to ever imagine… oh, you were such a silly girl…

Stop your crying, baby

It's a sign of the times

We gotta get away

We got to get away

His voice on the recording turned into almost a shout, hitting a high note, but it sounded almost like a call for help. You were fully crying by now.

It was so beautiful, and you were so… so foolish indeed… unable to see what was right in front of you that whole time.

The song died out, and you needed a moment to open your eyes again. When you did, Harry was handing you a tissue.

"Please, don't tell me that you're crying because you think it's so bad and my entire career will be ruined."

You laughed. He really was the only person able to make you laugh while you were still crying.

He was so stupid sometimes. So… so stupid.

You looked at him as he gave you a shy smile, clearly waiting for you to tell him what you thought about the song. But how could you describe how you felt?

There was one word that fitted quite well though…

"Proud."

He frowned, not following your train of thoughts, but you shot him a bright smile letting out a breathy giggle.

"I'm so proud of you."

His frown turned into a touched smile, and you were quite certain there were tears shimmering in his eyes.

You pushed your computer aside and launched yourself to hold him in your arms, burying your face in his shoulder and holding him so close… just because you needed to let him know, physically, how much you l…

… hell, you couldn't say it, could you? 'How much you cared' would have to do.

"I'm so proud of you," you repeated, as he tightened his own hold on you. "This song is so… I have no words, really. It's such a beautiful song, Harry."

"Thank you," he smiled in your neck, his voice shaky but clearly relieved. "Thank you."

"It's so beautiful. And I'm so, so proud of you."

"Thank you."

He cleared his throat, his voice breaking several times before he could go on.

"So… I'm doing okay, right?"

You let out a laugh.

"I would say you're doing amazing!"

"Great."

Amazing. Yes, that was exactly what he was. Amazing.

What a foolish girl you had been, how could you even think that he would feel the same? He was so… he was way, way too good for you.

The realization was a punch in the stomach. You didn't deserve him. He was somewhere among the stars and you… were far behind.

He was your best friend, and would remain just that, because there was no way someone like him could feel anything more for someone like you.

Jasmine was right.

Get him out of your system. Get him out before he settles there too much. Before he can truly slip under your skin.

Get him out of your system before he could truly slip under your skin…

You should listen to me and squeeze the feeling before it becomes heartbreaking.

Squeeze the feeling… Yes, that was what you needed to do. Squeeze the feeling until it died out. Until it was nothing more than a memory…

"Alright, enough tears for tonight, at least, until Meg Ryan listens to Tom Hanks in that car," Harry pulled away, drying his cheeks with his palms. "Let's drink to that, huh? To my song?"

You accepted the glass he offered you, giving him a warm smile.

"To your song."

And as your glasses rang together, you knew you were right.

Gareth was a much safer choice indeed…

***********************************************

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