#and i am bitter about life

[bamsara]

hot take but i think if someone's parent(s) have died the government should support the remaining child/adult children with financial stuff to the age 26 (the age it is for other adult children to remain on their parent's healthcare plans, car insurance, ect) because I should not have been paying bills or losing healthcare at 17

#personal #woo nelly some real life stuff is happening #and i am bitter about life #we STAY silly tho #sara shush #“but you get money when they die” no tf i did not we went into debt he didnt have life insurence #this is america you stay alive to work work work and if you die you burden your family

[aroanthy]

kiryuu sibling stasis post-32 is so interesting to me. nanami tries to leave and is (temporarily but also, crucially, violently) prevented from doing so by touga and akio. after this experience she puts distance between herself and them: she leaves touga’s phone in the car, she resigns from the student council (though she dons her old uniform still), she repeatedly dismisses and undermines the authority of the rose code, of end of the world, of akio, of touga. but she’s still in ohtori, isn’t she? uncomfortable with the idea of leaving, uncertain if it’s really possible. she tried before, and it hurt her. deeply. it’s so interesting to me, nanami’s agency and how she limits her exertion of it after 32, when she realises it for what it is. contrast that with touga, who accepts this weird stalemate between them, who is, really, uninterested in having any relationship of any kind with nanami if he can’t gain something from her. he’s very passive with her after 32, compared to the passivity he’d always feigned towards her before in order to stoke reactions from her and then exploit them. i was thinking about how touga has always been able to sever his relationship with nanami, but chosen not to; first out of a sense of obligation (‘we should live to help each other’) then a realisation of how that could be exploited. i was thinking about how nanami has never realised her ability to leave, in part because it is limited by touga and the harm he does her. i was thinking about the desperation and confusion akio calls out to anthy with as she leaves. i was thinking about how different that is to the kiryuus’ strange semi-breakdown; touga doesn’t want or need nanami, and nanami might love her brother but she cannot trust him or feel safe around him, doesn’t want to see him anymore; she’s itching to leave, and just a little scared (you know, because last time she tried that her brother assaulted her), and he’s not doing anything because ignoring her means he doesn’t have to deal with the emotions of her leaving or staying. something something gendered power dynamics something something tragic siblings

#local kiryuu sibling enjoyer has thoughts about them #i wrote this like three days ago but it’s getting posted now i have to speak my truth #touga loves a bit of inaction #nanami doesn’t but what the fuck else is she gonna do?? be brave? she tried that already #and she WILL try it again and i don’t think touga will try particularly hard to stop her #i think he might try a little but in doing so he’ll just become more aware of how much he doesn’t want to do that #and is only doing it bc of a vague sense of obligation to a perspective on life that he’s already questioned a la utena #im just. i have so many feelings about them. i bet none of you were aware of that fact already #i am once again wondering: does touga love nanami? what does that mean for each of them? #and im concluding: i really don’t think he does #i think he’s felt obligation to her and turned bitter towards that emotion and her in turn #i think he has no idea how to feel about her so he ignores the problem and exploits HER feelings as he thinks he understands them #until he realises that he doesn’t and has to deal (a little bit) with the ramifications of that #touga and anthy when nanami makes them self reflect. or swagever. the 32 way. neither of them would ever admit this but it’s true #dais.txt #her tragedy her triumph

[utilitycaster]

I enjoy shipping, but I cannot see the appeal in watching shows only for the purpose of shipping; I think it closes you off to so much. I think coming into a work with the expectation that it will only succeed if a particular configuration of people end up happily in a relationship with each other when the curtain closes means you will reject so many unexpected choices altogether. It destroys your ability to appreciate the entire concept of tragedy. Just, imagine refusing to let yourself enjoy "I'm not a gardener" because you are too furious that a different kiss than the one you wanted happened to feel other emotions.

#does shipping above all make you less empathetic: I deadass think it does: an ongoing investigation by m utilitycaster #this alludes to candela bc i'm still thinking about how good that line is and how (thankfully only a couple) people ignored it #bc they were so mad that the horror show was a tragedy and that marion kissed jean instead #i suspect though that this is behind the viciousness of the c2 ships. people genuinely used the word betrayal for a thing never promised #and some of the extremely mean-spirited nature of some c3 shipping; even among ships where i see the appeal #like i am not against shipping. i like shipping. but if you define I Get My Ship as success you will be miserable and bitter so often #and i think this ALSO is why like. 19 year olds will act like they are a veteran of years of queerbaiting. #when in fact they're a veteran of watching shows bc they saw one (1) out of context gifset and thought that was a guarantee #anyway i've cracked it follow for more analysis of the nature of fandom and how it should probably be like car rentals #fandom old? no. fandom young. go get some life experience and perspective first. the trekkie housewives never missed.

[mustangs-flames]

Thinking about how fucked up it is that in htb au, Mark is alive but Sarah thinks he's dead. That he's been dead for 17 years. Her grandparents don't talk about him. There are no photos. The bedroom she vaguely remembers him having is just a spare room filled with junk. She remembers how he left one day after she went crying to her grandparents, telling them he'd shoved her, that he'd hurt her and by the time she came back from the hospital with stitches Mark was gone.

And she blamed herself for that even though it wasn't her fault.

She waited for him to come back home for months, sitting by the window when it was too cold to be outside, waiting on the porch whenever she could. Hoping he was going to turn that corner at any second and he'd be home again. And she could tell him how sorry she was for making him go away. How she wasn't angry at him for having pushed her that day. That she loves him, she loves him, she loves him.

But that day never comes. And those words are never exchanged. And when she asks her grandparents if Mark was dead they don't tell her he's alive. And she has to live with that guilt - telling herself that if she hadn't been such a baby, if she hadn't annoyed her brother that day, then he'd still be here. All she has left of him is a stuffed toy she doesn't remember him giving her and the scar left behind from that argument.

She lives with that for 17 years - the idea that she drove her brother away and got him killed. 17 years.

Anyway, yeah, I'm so normal about this AU you guys, I swear-

#hail true body au #tmc #tmc au #htb sarah #htb mark #meanwhile mark is still alive somewhere with a found family and she got left behind #he left her behind #and she can't help but feel that it's because he hates her #that he's never let go of that argument that happened 17 years ago #that she was and still is a bad sister #that she was never worth coming home for #that she grew up in his shadow all that time - trying to make up for killing him by living the life he should've had the chance to #and all that time he was alive. all that time she mourned a brother who never came back for her #and it's hard not to be bitter and so easy to be goddamn angry about that #she is so so angry #i am so normal about the heathcliff siblings in this au- gdjdbksdgjs #sorry for the rambling #anyway. fuck the reeds. shittest grandparents ever.

[saintchaser]

thinking about sirius and walburga, and about how they’re so similar; for this very reason they tear at each other, because “i can’t love myself, so i will not be able love you either, but i will try to show you the little i have and that is through blood and spit and tears”, and how they used to be a mother and a son, and he used to hold her hand, and she used to kiss his temple and hold him in her arms, the skirt of her dress an aura around them, and how they grew to be strangers, and about how how walburga was chained to the destiny sirius was supposed to have too, but sirius had always been so, so stubborn, more so than her, even, and he was not tied to a family that he did not want to have. because the thing is, walburga was a mother. she was supposed to stay, to love, to care for, but how could she, when not even her own mother had loved her? when all she carried with herself was bitterness and resentment? how was she supposed to love the boy who had her eyes, her mouth, her temper, her undying devotion, flesh from her flesh and blood from her blood, the boy of her tears and joy and anger? besides, he wasn’t her son anymore, he was euphemia’s, because even though he has walburga’s mouth, he smiles like euphemia, and even though he has walburga’s eyes, his eyes crinkle the same way as euphemia’s do. maybe he just wasn’t meant to be her son, and that hurt more than anything else ever hurt her. she knows he’s happy, he saw him at the station when he boarded to hogwarts, his eyes bright and his smile wide, and although she held resentment toward him because he got away, she was happy that at least he did not have to live the life she had to. and sirius is a star, bound to burn until there’s nothing really left of him, and she is a saint, chained to a life she did not want to have, a martyr of some sort.

#i am not saying that walburga is a good person HOWEVER i do think that she had her own trauma and her own suffering #i think that we should like. look aside the little information we have on her because i think that in the end she was a bitter woman #who was stuck in a life she didn’t want to live (oureblooded society is definitely not a healthy place to be in) and therefore. h. #having thoughts about sirius and her and ambout mother and child relationships and hhhh #sirius black #walburga black #sirius&walburga #my writing

[disagigglebilities]

Ah the good ole, "You're not actually disabled."

#idec anymore #like have fun with your bitterness #have fun without me #like i am not about to apend my life trying to convince you of something that you should just take at face value

[rebelrainfall]

ok modern au where they're friends and jyn is stupid in love with cassian and pining desperately but she won't do anything about it because after a series of miscommunications shortly after they met she 100% assumes he's dating kay

#is this anything or am i just insane #rebelcaptain #honestly the kay-jyn dynamic there is half the appeal to me #jyn all bitter and jealous like 'you better appreciate what you have you better be treating him RIGHT' #while kay is just going about his life like. why are you so weird about my friend. #idk this is just funny to me

[please-dont-pet-the-okapi]

"The Only Thing" by Sufjan Stevens // The X-Files, "All Souls // "Hear Me Lord" by George Harrison // Katharina & Martin Luther by Michelle DeRusha // Hebrew 11:1, Douay-Rheims Version // "Heat Lightning" by Mitski

#i thought i was going to go to bed but instead i made this #anyway i am going ahead and claiming 'heat lightning' for the christians. #additionally there is. a very particular irony in using a detail from the life of the og protestant #(in the eyes of many anyway; luther was hardly original or unique in his quarrels with catholicism) #when dana scully is a catholic #but there's something about the bitter grief of the luther family that reminded me of this episode #grief is an awful thing to live with #and i can't imagine how agonizing it would be to lose a child in any time period #@jae enjoy this the fruit of my labor #the x files #rachel yells about religious themes in fiction #red string and thumbtacks

[asinglesock]

I survived Holy Week! I managed to show up for my commitments and there weren't any horrible disasters even on the parts that were a little rough. It took a lot of time and I did get very tired, but it felt so much more meaningful than how I grew up celebrating Easter.

I really, really have begun to feel something sometimes in prayer. I felt it during the Good Friday service when we prayed silently. During the baptism part of the vigil, I felt drawn very strongly. I think, theologically at least, I'm getting closer to ready to be baptized. Socially, I think it will be very difficult for me to tell my familiy if I have a Trinitarian baptism (and of course the very nature of baptism is to be public). May God guide me and give me courage.

I took communion during the vigil! It's been years since I'd taken communion--the last time had been at college chapel pre-pandemic. I stopped taking communion at the UPCI congregation when I noticed I had significant differences of belief. It's been a matter of scrupulousity for me, since many open table communion churches are actually open to all who have been baptized, and I had a Jesus-only baptism. So even though the ELCA's position is more ambiguous than, say, the Episcopal church's, I've tried to err on the side of caution. But at the communion part of the vigil the officiant was very clear that there were no exceptions at all, so I took him at his word. I'm still not taking communion in regular services, but that was such a good experience (if awkward, as I was the cantor during communion and had to time things very carefully)

The gospel reading for Easter, John chapter 20, was the alternate text because the minister didn't want to read the shortest ending of Mark, where the women tell nobody what they'd seen because they're afraid. I love John 20 but I felt a little sad to not hear Mark. In my Resurrection class we talked about how the abrupt ending of Mark, which never resolves how the word about the resurrection got out, makes the reader (who's been in on the Messianic secret along with the narrator this whole time) an active participant, spreading the news they've just read. I find that so theologically rich.

I'm a Christian. I'm a Christian! I believe in and love Jesus! I read the Nicene creed today and I believed in what I was reading! I've spent years in doubt and alienation, in critical examination, in apathy, and in despair. I have experienced spiritual abuse and its resulting trauma. I've gone through times when I did not believe in God, and times when I thought the rot within Christianity went too deep for it to be salvaged. The faith I have now is very different from the way I once understood the world. (But I have faith! I have faith! I believe in God and I care that I believe in God!)

I feel so loved and surrounded and nourished. I couldn't have wished for better as I turn 24.

#a sock speaks #bitter work #local construction #this was going to be about my week in general before I got all sappy and religious about it #Christianity tag #I'm thinking about how I've seen deconstruction described in exvangelical spaces as like the Israelites' journey through the wilderness #how I've wondered if I was going to spend my whole life wandering in the wilderness. if I'd die there. #thinking about how I've also seen Lent conceptualized as wilderness time. #remind me of this when I am in despair. #should I have a new tag? #sweet work

[thelittlecoughsomewhere]

real person shipping is only cool when me and my mutuals do it. Everyone else is on thin fucking ice.

#I am joking obviously #david tennant #shennant #tatennant #but I've seen so many toxic real person shippers recently that I've become very bitter and questioning the morality of RPF as a whole #like where should the line be drawn?? I'm not so sure anymore #I will still squeal and gush about my ship #and I don't see where the harm in that is #but I don't drag real life partners into it and hate on them istg #it's not that hard

[abirdie]

Gael García Bernal in También la lluvia (2010, dir. Icíar Bollaín)

(these gifs also feature Luis Tosar and the back of Cassandra Ciangherotti's head)

(and somehow manage to not feature Juan Carlos Aduviri because he and Gael are rarely in frame together)

#gael garcía bernal #también la lluvia #ggb filmography gifs #gael garcia bernal #this is luis tosar (and juan carlos aduviri)'s film really (although gael has lots of screen time and second billing) #just in terms of who gets the biggest character arcs #touches on racism / colonialism / what narratives survive in history / impact of imf and world bank / employment relations and ethics #filmmaking / creative obsession / idealism vs. pragmatism vs. actual human relationships #plus water rights and grassroots protests obviously #there is an interesting interview on youtube with icíar bollaín #obviously when you're making a film that deals with the ethics of filmmaking there are certain expectations #also the very first version of the screenplay years earlier was for the film that they are shooting within this film #and then the stuff about bolivia and about shooting the film got added later in subsequent iterations of the script #side note i love how the film they are making plays out in sebastián's head when he's reading the script or shooting individual setups #of course this took $5.8 million at the box office while letters to juliet took $80 million #no one ever said life was fair #not that i'm still bitter about letters to juliet #(i am totally still bitter about letters to juliet)

[running-in-the-dark]

just now realising that it's kinda weird that every damn thing I did as a kid, even accidentally, still gets dragged out all the time as proof of how mean and bossy I was.

meanwhile one of my brothers stabbed my other brother with a screwdriver and it's just so funny. one of them jumped on my back when we were fighting and hurt me so bad that I couldn't get up for an hour (and I got yelled at). one of them broke someone else's property on purpose and it's just a funny anecdote about how he and his friend had to pay for the damage. they stole cash and very expensive alcohol, so funny and cute. they got drunk all the time and started smoking at 12.

which is all fine. people do stupid things as kids. but it sucks that I'm always the difficult one, the one that causes trouble, the mean one. the worst thing I ever did was drop out of school because I was too terrified and depressed to keep going. this is somehow proof that I was such a difficult child to raise, so hard to be around. not that my parents completely failed me in every way, or anything like that.

my brother attacked me this year. but that's totally excusable because surely he had his reasons (yeah, I disagreed with him and wouldn't back down. great.) and I probably just misunderstood (how?!) and anyway it wasn't really that bad. he yelled at me for daring to disagree with him, insulted me and then grabbed me when I told him to get out. but he's just having a hard time and can't express his feelings well and can't I just forgive him?

but I'm bad for things I did when I was 15 or 10 or 5 or literally a baby. I'm bad for things that never happened. I'm bad for things that other people did. I'm just bad.

#yes I am still bitter about this stuff #I wouldn't be. but they keep bringing it up #I'm so tired of not being able to do anything right #I've been so nice and patient and always friendly for literally. 10 years. a third of my life. I try so hard to not upset them or do #anything wrong #but my mother still says my brothers are scared of me #and uses things against me that I did in primary school #ugh #anyway #I'm having a hard time and keep thinking about this today #I'm just so tired of it #I can't even defend myself #because that gets turned into you can't take a joke and we're just joking around and why are you so angry #I raise my voice slightly to be fucking HEARD and I'm hysterical #my brother screams at me and he's just not good at talking about his feelings #it all feels so unfair #it doesn't matter what I do or who I am. I've been the bad one since my brother was born and I'm so tired #personal

[rewritingcanon]

sorry but it’s actually cringe if u have a crush on a man

#ewwww #like actually. #tell me about ur love life but if its about a man i’d rather smash my head against a brick wall repeatedly #‘thinking abt him 🥰🥰’ dont. #hes about to stress me tf out thats why. #maybe i just have specific trauma from always being the reasonable friend of girls who like terrible people but. IM TIRED #IDCCCC IF THIS GENERALISES EVERYONEE 😫😫 #im not beating these manhater allegations for days. imma submit to it JUST DONT TELL ME ANYTHING ABT BOYS UGH #this counts for every single one of yall. if ur dating a man thats honestly worse #i always think im like a single bitter person. but then i realise i dont hate like lesbian couples. its always one where a man is involved #like??? why are u non-men letting yourselves be emotionally subservient to A MAN??? #where is the alpha wolf in you gone 🐺😈🫡 #soooo embarrassing. anyways. (i feel like if i go on i might get cancelled for this) #(someone gonna call me a misandrist or some straight woman is gonna ask ‘what am i supposed to do?’) #(YOURE SUPPOSED TO BE CELIBATE FOR LIFE. duh.) #tw males #<- wish

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

sometimes you read something for a fandom you were crazy over years ago and you encounter one of the ships you loved back then and you just think “yeahhhh…. this is still great :) way to go younger me you were so based about this actually :)”

#anyway I still care a lot about Obitine apparently #their respective commitment to their respective ideals and moral codes… the way they love each other more than life #(literally. they’re so willing to die for each other.) #and yet that never leads them to violate who they /are/ or who the other person is #Satine is willing to never see him again rather than ask him to leave the Order. he is willing to leave the Order all she has to do is ask #they are able to rest in their love for one another bc they know the other loves them in such a way that they would never ask #for their compromise #idk this makes very little sense it’s 2 a.m. I’m delirious I have church in the morning but I wanna rewatch some Clone Wars now #hfhfhfhhdhdhdhehdhdhdhfbbdsjsjfhfj #gurt says stuff #edit: wait actually this is so funny—bc I just realized that Din Djarin and Obi-Wan are quite similar in a lot of ways #so the parallels here are incredibly funny to me for some reason. the Kryze women just have a Thing for reserved men who are #completely devoted to their religious values and would do practically anything for their adopted family huh #(ftr I don’t know if I ship DinBo or not but I do understand the appeal and I am open to the possibility of the writers play it right #still bitter about losing Cara tho. bc I was SO curious to see how Misters Filoni and Favreau were going to develop that #n I had a vague suspicion based on my knowledge of how Filonis brain and stories work that ~something~ may have been meant to happen there)

[sevicia]

The lack of a headphone jack on so many recent devices makes me so fucking mad . I was gonna say "unreasonably" mad but I won't because I'm RIGHT . Like from a practicality standpoint there is absolutely NO FUCKING REASON to remove it ... you just took away a hole that had 0 impact on customers that prefer bluetooth . there is nothing stopping a person that wants to use bluetooth headphones from using bluetooth headphones as long as the phone supports it . like what are we fucking doing . if it's not broken don't fucking fix it ??? THERE'S NOT EVEN A "FIX" . there's no new & better way of using wired headphones that you can replace the old way with . "just get bluetooth headphones" charging them is annoying they get lost easily some of them have significant delay when it comes to game audio like they're just super fucking annoying in general . "just get an adapter" I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO !!!!!!!!!!!

#''well it's not a dealbreaker for most people'' you wouldn't have to worry about that if you'd never changed it . #''most people'' can be changed to ''no people'' very easily . you will Never guess how CLICK HERE FOR A FREE 1 WEEK BUSINESS COURSE TRIAL #diary #probably a good business decision actually cause I bet the cost of those headphone jacks you're NOT making is really helping your profit!!!! #<- very bitter sarcastic tone to mask the fact that I believe it absolutely is . especially for those Apple scumbag pigs #''buy our newest iphone for ten billion dollars so you can be hip & cool. no it can't suck your dick but it has a good camera! #now buy some airpods too! it'll definitely improve your experience as you Literally Have To if you don't want a stupid-looking adapter!'' #the worst part is that people actually do it . I am not a lover of any brand but I am always an Apple hater . #genuinely regret getting my ipad . worst decision of my fucking life . really should've thought that one through even more than I did

[proserpine-in-phases]

I hate how every job says they're looking for a person like this because I am none of those things? Where are the jobs willing to pay top dollar for an unmotivated unprofessional cold unpersonable non starter who is disorganized and pays very little attention to detail?

#also i wish my guidance counselor in high school had sat me down and said dont go to college without a career plan #instead of what he did do which was tell me my grades are so good i absolutely should go to college #wish he had said at least make sure you get an aa in like accounting or something to fall back on #am i bitter about never finding a job that uses my degree that wouldnt also include needing grad school? #kinda #capitalism makes fools of us all #crap #its shut down week at the ethanol plant that does nothing with my english or fine art degrees #and also nothing with my 15 years of retail and customer service experience either lmao #i fucking hate shut down so much it is inevitable i start thinking of quitting even tho i am making more money than i have in my life #how fucking insane is it that jobs that require a masters degree will pay 15 an hour and yet this job that requires a ged at most starts at #like 25 and this plant actually starts low judging by what other plants are offering like damn #every job ive ever had needed no degree at all how much farther ahead would i be if id just gone straight to work? #like i fucking loved the college experience but it didnt do a fucking thing for me other than saddle me with life crushing debt