#and i might push myself to add one more strategy to balance out the two halves | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neokad · 3 years

Text

Touhou VI: The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil - or my first journey into a bullet hell game

Touhou is that one pew pew game series with cute anime gals, right?

Source: https://pixiv.kurocore.com/illust/54033795

Just like what I think are many people, that’s pretty much all I knew about the franchise as a whole! And to be honest, for a long long time, I was AFRAID of going any closer to anything Touhou-related! Because of them being bullet hecks, they seemed like the most frustrating and unfun games I could possibly be playing! But then... time passed... Fast forward to somewhere in 2020: I was watching the biyearly Games Done Quick event, and one of the first runs showcased during it was none other than Touhou Luna Nights! But while the speedrun itself was very impressive, the thing that really captivated me was well... everything else! Even though this was only a Metroidvania fangame, IT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN! The graphics, the special effects, the mechanics... everything just seemed like a dream! In spite of that, I only picked the game up and played it about a year later, thanks to a Steam sale! And to keep things short, I ADORED it. It was a bit too short, but everything else was spot on, and even better than I thought it would be from what I saw at GDQ! But that’s sadly a review for another time :( Because I literally fell in love in this game, well... I thought “screw it, I’ve been morbidly curious for years now, let’s actually try a freakin’ Touhou game!”

And so, after some research I’ve learned that the sixth game - the first one released on Windows PCs! - was the one that served as inspiration for Luna Nights as a whole - its characters, music, stage aesthetics and more! It just seemed natural to settle with this one~

How did it go? What did I think about it? Well, that’s why we’re here: those are my thoughts about Touhou VI: the Embodiment of Scarlet Devil.

Now for a pointless history lesson: as I said earlier, Touhou 6 was the very first game published for Windows PCs, all the way back in 2002! The five previous games were actually exclusive to a Japan-only machine, the NEC PC-98, a line that prevailed strongly in Japan before Microsoft conquered the world. As such, it’s really the first game that’s still relatively accessible today, as PC-98 emulation is... not really a stable thing yet -_- So even though this wasn’t quite true, it’s as if I started my journey into Touhou with the original! And once I started playing, I was honestly surprised at one thing once I hit the title screen: this game actually has lots of options to make the experience easier or harder!

I know that being able to change your starting lives, starting bombs, choose your overall difficulty and such isn’t groundbreaking at all, but honestly? I didn’t expect things to be so customisable in a bullet heck game series - a genre that’s known for being merciless to players! I did decide to go on Normal to have the “intended” experience, but things aren’t as daunting as you may think!

This game also allows you to play as not only Reimu, the poster character of the franchise, but also Marisa! Both of these girls also boasts two different weapons each, with their own strengths, weaknesses and bomb attacks! Again, I genuinely did not expect so much breathing room even though looking back... I feel like I should have : P

Once I actually started playing the game itself, there’s yet another thing that surprised me: the difficulty curve... it’s... manageable??

Now granted, I’m a person that plays a *lot* of games, and on top of that, I play lots of action games as well, games that require quick reaction times, good pattern reading and so on so forth. So there’s a chance my judgement on the game’s difficulty might be wrong or biased... but to me? Embodiment of Scarlet Devil actually has a good difficulty curve! The first stage of the game has many enemies that can shoot many bullets, but they’re slow, predictable and relatively easy to avoid because you have lots of space to maneuver around! On that same train of thought, Rumia, the first stage’s boss, certainly doubles down on the number of bullets she can throw at you. But, their patterns are once again pretty slow and predictable, making things much more comfortable at the start of your adventure!

But hold on a minute here, how does this game actually plays? Well, this is where I need to let out a horrifying truth:

Touhou is actually really, REALLY fun.

At first it does seem like a pretty standard shooter: you shoot at things, dodge bullets, collect power ups to boost your weapon’s strength, and make sure you don’t die too much in order to reach the final boss in good shape. However, what I ended up loving about Touhou are its many, many mechanics that spice things up beautifully! The first one I wanna focus on is “Grazing” and it’s actually pretty simple: if you do your best to get close to a bullet or a laser without touching it with your (very small!) hitbox, you graze that bullet! Not only will a satisfying sound effect play out each time you graze something, you will also gain points each time you do this maneuver, making it essential for a high score, and especially, to gain extra lives faster! Secondly, there’s bombing! I am totally repeating myself here, but while each character has a different kind of bomb to their disposal, they each function in relatively the same way: you get to launch a strong attack against your opponents, get invincibility frames, and on top of that, get rid of any bullets that are currently on the screen! I love bombs in this game because they create a great balance: you can totally use them for offensive purposes, buuuut they also serve as a great defensive clutch if you just find things too difficult at the moment. Bombs even have two extra layers to them! When you will get hit and lose a life (and believe me, you will) your bombs will get refilled back to three, urging you to not hoard them too much even if you’d prefer to save them for a tougher part. Because if you die, you might just “waste” bombs in a way! However, here’s an advanced kicker: if you manage to hit the bomb button just as you are hit by a projectile (8 frames within death I think!) you not only are able to save yourself from losing a life, you also won’t lose a bomb at all, either! This is a very difficult trick, but a very cool and potentially important one if you plan things out in the heat of battle ^^

Then there’s a mechanic that, to my knowledge, got introduced in EOSD: the POC, as in Point Of Collection! Now, as you destroy the many enemies after Reimu or Marisa, they naturally drop many power ups and point icons, and because there’s many of these you’re bound to miss them. However, this is where the POC comes in: if you are at full weapon power, you will earn the ability to collect every icon on the screen! This makes sense and is actually very smart, because most players - myself included - tend to hug the bottom of the screen as bullets are more scarce and slower here. BUT reaching that POC close to the top of the screen is a great way to incentivise players to risk things in order to get a massive amount of points and gain extra lives way faster! And finally, as soon as you do reach that max power, the game will automatically wipe every single projectile off the screen, so it’s even possible to time when you’ll get your final power boost to make things easier on yourself!

All of those mechanics together make Touhou EOSD a pure joy to play! It’s simple on the surface but has such interesting mechanics and risk-reward elements that can push you out of your comfort zone, but never forces you to! And sure enough, I got addicted~

Even though I did say that the game had a good curve and started off not too difficult, it does not mean that your journey will be easy: even early game bosses such as Cirno and Meiling took me lots of practice to get consistent at, by studying their patterns and testing out which strategies worked the best for survival. And eventually, even Patchouli and Sayaka’s stages will test you out with lots of predictable-yet-deadly bullets to test out your screen reading skills and even reflexes.

Touhou may be more accessible than I thought, but do not be mistaken: on Normal, this game will still challenge you, and I absolutely love it for that <3

Another thing that helps this game out is - please pretend to be surprised - the music. Touhou has always been known for bringing some very good tunes all around, but besides Luna Nights’s incredible soundtrack, I actually never got to listen to any of them besides Bad Apple and one fanime opening my bestie sent me one year ago. And well... it’s true!

The game uses some very artificial, even out-of-tune instruments for its music, but strangely enough, it REALLY works! It gives the music a very nostalgic, warm feeling that’s hard to describe, but it works so well at making those songs catchy as all heck! It also helps that the compositions themselves are pretty strong and surprisingly complex for its genre, too! I would pick a favourite theme to show off, but the soundtrack’s just really consistent and good all around!

Sadly, I mostly cannot say the same for the game’s presentation. This game is a PC app from 2002 and it sadly somewhat shows. I’ll even bring a special mention to the in-game portraits, which are hilariously HORRIBLE! Thankfully dedicated fans have made a patch to improve the game’s visuals so that they’re more in line with later titles, but at base it’s really not the prettiest gem visually...

...except for the spell cards, the bosses’s strongest attacks, which are genuinely gorgeous multicolored motives that will struck you in awe before you are inevitably destroyed by them, it’s great! My favourite is the one you get from Meiling’s mid stage encounter, pictured above!

Before wrapping up this long, long post, I do wanna add this: the game will unfortunately only give you the good ending only by playing on Normal and above, and only if you beat the game without using any continues. This is called a 1CC, or 1 Credit Clear. Even if I don’t think the bad ending’s actually that unsatisfactory, I did want to get better at the game! So I practiced for many hours a day for a couple of weeks, memorized each boss’s patterns, learned where to graze, when to optimally reach the POC to get as many points as possible... this game pushed me to get better with an incentive, a reward waiting at the end, on top of the satisfaction of simply cheesing what used to be so difficult at some point and... well, I think this is the proof of a well-crafted game right there. After many failed attempts, I finally managed to 1CC this game (pictures below!!) and it was, genuinely, one of the most satisfying moments in my gaming life <3

So... yeah. I might be a Touhou fan now. Welp.

Touhou VI: The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil was such a pleasant surprise for me: I expected a game I’d find somewhat boring at best and frustrating at worst, but I ended up having a very, very good time, and honestly? It’s not as hard as you’d think it is! You can beat a Touhou game, so long as you are interested in practicing and getting better, and I promise it’ll feel rewarding in the best of ways <3

I just wanna say thank you to Luna Nights and Team Ladybug, because without them, I would have never been curious and then surprised by how cool this game is. Thank you <3

And many thanks to you, the reading, for staying until the end! Thank you for reading!

#long post #touhou #touhou eosd #eosd

10 notes · View notes

irandrura · 4 years

Text

Third and final post: what were my other thoughts?

Let’s talk about the game’s mechanics first.

I am overall very pleased with the battle gameplay. On the battlefield itself the gameplay is more-or-less unchanged from the past, but the character advancement and customisation system is significantly improved. Moving to a single overall character level and giving every character the ability to change classes at will is a much more fluid and elegant system than in the past, and the ability to choose the specific combat arts and abilities each character takes looks like it adds a lot of depth. It’s probably appropriate for the overall ‘teacher’ theme of the game that you have much more power to mould each character’s skills and talents, but I’d like to see it in other games as well. There’s an important balance to strike: on the one hand, characters should not be infinitely malleable, and should all have their personal strengths and weaknesses. On the other, so much of the fun of the game is in developing characters and watching them grow that it’s really good to be able to specialise them.

Speaking of battle gameplay, divine pulse is great. The Fire Emblem series has always struggled a bit with accessibility, and while casual mode definitely made the series easier, it also felt to me like missing the point. Casual mode is too easy, and by removing any risk of permanent death, it felt like it removed a lot of the game’s tension. Divine pulse is a much better way to make the gameplay a bit easier and less frustrating while still keeping the same feel as classic FE gameplay. It gives you just enough room to survive a lucky enemy crit, or a small misjudgement on your part, without totally removing the need to be careful. I approve. That said, I did feel that by late-game you probably had access to too many pulses and it removed the need to conserve them. With a dozen pulses, there isn’t much risk any more, whereas if it stayed capped around three to five, each individual pulse might have felt more precious.

(Apparently Mila’s Turnwheel in Shadows of Valentia actually did the mechanic first, and I totally forgot about it. Oh dear…)

Other gameplay innovations were more hit-and-miss, for me. Battalions were fine, but I don’t think I would have missed them if they weren’t there. They helped make the battlefield seem busier and more populated, but they don’t seem to have had a massive impact on the game. Similarly, monsters were mostly fine (Cindered Shadows boss notwithstanding), but again, I don’t think I’d mind very much if they didn’t come back. They rarely actually felt like the most dangerous enemies on the battlefield, and just required a slightly different strategy, and… well, maybe it’s just me, but it feels weird for FE to have boss monsters like that. I suppose arguably it’s been a tension in the series going all the way back to the original game? Marth was supposed to fight monstrous dragons, but his entire game was about enemy soldiers, and dragons didn’t stand out as the terrifying beasts they ought to have been. Still, I’m not sure I’m sold on them here.

When I started playing I complained that exploring the monastery was tedious. You can get into a routine later on, but for the most part, I did think it could have been streamlined more. Having lunch with students or going for special training or browsing the marketplace are all fun things to do, but a bit less sprinting all over the map to talk to everyone and return lost items would have been appreciated. The lost item mechanic in particular feels like busywork. A bit of exploring is nice, but only as long as it doesn’t get tedious. It might have been lovely to explore other locations as well – Enbarr, Fhirdiad, the army camp outside Gronder, etc. – but I can understand that the amount of work required would not be practical.

Speaking of tedium, though… I really could have done with a few more maps. Maybe this is my fault for constantly choosing battles, but I found myself replaying the same forest, plains, beach, or volcano map too many times for comfort.

I might also have liked for crests to be a bit more mechanically impactful, given their important to the world and the plot. I regularly forgot which of my units have crests, and what any of the crests do, since most of them have so little effect as to not matter. The only one I did usually remember was Felix’s Crest of Fraldarius, and that was mainly because it makes him do more damage and sometimes made him kill people I’d hoped to leave on one or two HP. I don’t think crests should have been overpowering, but a little more power would still have been nice. It should not have been so easy to forget that they exist.

Similarly, by the time I finished the game I realised that I had never used a Hero’s Relic, even once. I would like to say that this was a principled decision on my part, given that they turn people into monsters (and it looks like I was right about them being made from bone?), but it was mostly just the BUT-WHAT-IF-I-NEED-IT-LATER effect. They all have quite low durability, and while I understand that infinite durability, as with relics in previous games, was not an option due to breaking how combat arts work, it was still enough to discourage me from using them. Perhaps on a higher difficulty they would become necessary? I always feel a bit sad when for mechanical reasons I never let characters use their most iconic weapons.

Moving on from mechanics…

There is technically a shipping mechanic, with an S support for the protagonist, but it really felt like an afterthought to me. I don’t think the game would lose anything significant if you just removed all the S supports. Compared to a game like Awakening or Fates, where the second generation makes it mechanically important and the plot seems like it works best with a bit of romantic drama (f!Robin/Chrom and m!Robin/Lucina looking particularly intended), Three Houses is surprisingly chaste. I suppose picking a character to be your waifu might be part of the culture now, perhaps looking also at the growing influence of waifu gacha games, but for me it felt tacked on. I can imagine potentially rewriting the game to make romance a more important theme – perhaps talking about Jeralt and Sitri a bit more? – but to be honest I think that that would have been worse for the game overall.

In particular, it stands out to me as sitting a touch oddly alongside the teacher concept. One of the things that stands out to me about Byleth as a protagonist is the way that Byleth is in a superior position relative to the other units. You are a professor, in a position of authority, and you have more life experience. Your job is to teach and mentor these younger characters. This contrasts strongly with Robin, who I think was presented as the equal of the other Shepherds (your relationship with Chrom is that of comrade and friend), and with Corrin, who was presented as an inferior or junior (your siblings are older than you, and they start off with higher status). Because of that superior position, then, I found the game suggesting a feeling of responsibility towards them, and a feeling of pride in their accomplishments.

This might be a bizarre comparison, but in some ways a game that Three Houses reminded me of while playing was Princess Maker 2, a weird little DOS game from 1993 about raising a girl. The core loop of choosing activities to raise the stats of a character in your care, punctuated with occasional outings to fight monsters and get loot, felt quite similar. Similarly, the emotions that seemed to be evoked, to me, were emotions of care and pride: perhaps not paternal as such, since Byleth isn’t that old, but certainly the satisfaction that comes from nurturing a younger and less experienced person.

For the most part that actually worked, and I certainly applaud it for feeling less icky than Fates. If I compare tea parties to that weird Fates mechanic where you could invite characters to your room and touch their face, it is vastly less creepy. So I’m glad that the romance has been toned down.

And speaking of things that I’m glad aren’t prominent…

I’m deliberately burying this part in the middle of a long post. Tumblr is famously ruthless on issues like this, but fortunately I have a very low follower count and you’re all nice people. Basically, one of my worries going into the game was that Three Houses might be the ‘woke’ Fire Emblem game. I am glad to find that concern averted, at least so far. A person could perhaps make some pretty cringeworthy interpretations of Duscur to do with racial politics, but the game itself does not push you in that direction. Tumblr and AO3 love slash shipping, but as far as I can tell that remains as canonically unsupported as ever. Interestingly, while Three Houses has a small handful of same-sex romantic S supports and endings, as far as I can tell they’re all for Byleth and they’re all simply copy-pastes of the opposite-sex versions. It’s enough for me to genuinely wonder whether they’re in the original Japanese at all, or if they were added. I know translations of FE games have played around with character sexualities before, so it’s possible. At any rate, part of me was concerned that this might be the Dragon Age: Inquisition of Fire Emblem, and fortunately it isn’t. (I mean, I did actually enjoy Dragon Age: Inquisition, but at times it did get to be a bit much.) I’ll take this as a valuable lesson when it comes to not believing posts I see on Tumblr. You’d think I would have learned from previous games: popular fan interpretations of a character are often completely wrong. Three Houses seems for the most part to be a very traditional Fire Emblem game.

In terms of the overall series trajectory, I take Three Houses to be an overall positive sign. Awakening and Fates seemed to be taking the series in a direction that I didn’t care for as much, with heavy use of player avatar characters, much more fan service, and more trope-driven plots. Three Houses seems like a return to deeper worldbuilding and characterisation. The cast of characters overall has definitely been a high point: in Fates I sometimes struggled to build a team of characters that I felt truly fond of, but in Three Houses there were usually more characters I wanted to use than I had space for, and there were no recruitable characters that I truly disliked.

Really, the biggest disconnect between me and Three Houses, in the end, is the fact that Three Houses is built for replayability, and I don’t like replaying games very much. However, I don’t think I can in good faith call that a flaw or poor design: obviously there are a lot of people who love replayability, and considering that I got a good eighty hours of gameplay out of my first playthrough (DLC included) and enjoyed it, I’m not really in a position to complain.

So in the end, then, I think that while Three Houses is not my favourite Fire Emblem and does have some places where it could be improved, for the most part I think it’s quite a good outing and a significant improvement on the last few. It is not designed entirely to my tastes, but what is here is mostly good. Three Houses leaves me feeling much more optimistic for the future of the franchise than Fates did.

9 notes · View notes

aweirdkindofyellow · 4 years

Text

The Royal Invitation, Pt. 9

Aerowyn Matilde George Rothchester might seem like a very long name, but it definitely is not for a royal in the Kingdom of Dalewin.

After her grandfather, the beloved king, passed away, Aerowyn (also known as Winny) is called back from her art school in New York. She’s thrown back into her royal duties, expected to know what to do.

But with the Royal advisor on tour with the new king, Winny is left to figure things out with his stepson. The only problem, he has no idea what he’s doing, after all he’s only the lead singer in a band.

Co-written story with @scream-tears.

Chapter 9

Winny’s POV:

I brushed out the wrinkles in my rose coloured dress as we walked down the hallway. My heels were really slowing me down, I could barely walk. I had been up on my feet since six in the morning and it was excruciatingly tiring. If this was a taste of what the life of a ruler was, I never wanted to be Queen. All my life, I thought I would be prepared when the time came, but I was seriously doubting myself.

“Come on, princess,” Alex rushed me, about ten steps ahead of me, “we’re going to be late for the meeting.”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I literally cannot walk,” I seethed back, taking the smallest and most awkward of steps.

“Need me to carry you?” He raised his eyebrow at me teasingly.

“No,” I scoffed and tried taking a larger step.

Although I tried to do that, I couldn’t pick up my foot off the floor more. My heel managed to snag on the carpet. I immediately lost my balance. If I had had my normal walking capabilities, I would have easily stabilised myself. But I wasn’t that lucky. I barely managed to stop myself from falling over. If it hadn’t been for that small side table with flowers on it, I would have slapped on the cold marble.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to carry you?” Alex gave me an amused look.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to fire you?” I mocked and kicked off my heels, making his face fall. I technically couldn’t be seen like this, but I didn’t care anymore. “That’s right. I call the shots here, I’m not one of your crew members.”

“Alright, I’m just doing my job,” he defended himself and checked his watch. “We will be late now.”

“Well, that’s too bad for them,” I grumbled and followed him down the hallway again.

We were meeting with all the other advisors. I got why Alex was so set on being on time. He had also taken over for Garry in those meetings. The others didn’t really take him seriously. He had no experience, no knowledge about anything that related to the kingdom, and was literally the lead singer of a band. Not exactly advisor material. But Alex was set on proving himself.

When we finally reached the heavy double wooden doors, he was eager to get in.

“Hang on!” I yelped, slapping his hand away from the door knob.

He sighed loudly and turned to me with a fed up look. “What?”

I glared at him and put back on my shoes, grimacing at the way they made my ankles and toes burn again. Honestly, I did not feel like I could even dare to show my face at that meeting in the state I was in. My hair felt frizzy, my eyes felt heavy, and my skin felt sticky. But there was no time to take a second and freshen up. There was no time for anything.

“Oh, umm, wait a second.” Alex fumbled around with his clipboard for a second.

I watched, confused why he was now holding us back. Eventually, he reached out and started fixing my hair a little. First it was just simply pushing a lock of hair behind my ear, but then he started doing more. He tucked a few more pieces back into my hairdo and pulled a few other whisps out. Apparently I now also had a new stylist.

“Okay, good to go.” He gave me a thumbs up and opened the door without another warning.

It reeked of old white male in there. All three of them were sitting at the large dark wood table, leaning back in their chairs. They gave Alex one horrible look of disapproval, and continued to watch us silently take our seats. I was at the head of the table in the chair my grandpa and now my dad usually occupied. Alex was to my right, like he literally was my right hand man. Each one of us had a pen, a glass of water, and a folder with documents.

They all stared at me expectantly, snapping me out of a small trance.

“Oh, right, yes, umm, let us inaugurate this meeting,” I stumbled over my words, urging the first person to start talking.

“Yes,” the old man next to Alex sat up straight and opened his folder, “I need to bring the emergency financial budget to light.”

“Emergency financial budget?” I opened my own folder, hoping to find another name or something that would give me more information. But, no. It was literally called the emergency financial budget. Weren’t all budgets financial?

“You should have been given a document for you to review before this meeting.” He gave me a stern look.

I nodded and tapped my pen on the table. There had indeed been such a document. “And would you be willing to give a quick recap for the ones who may not have read it?”

He started using a scolding tone. “Miss. Aerowyn–”

“Princess Aerowyn,” Alex corrected, earning himself a few more mean glares.

“– may I inform you that it is your duty to make sure you come prepared to perform your responsibilities.”

“Mr. Dudley,” I responded sternly, “I was given fifteen minutes to read twenty different reports, each with a length of fifty pages or more. I believe it was your responsibility to provide me with a synopsis.”

The man across from Mr. Dudley showed that they still weren’t having any of it. “Why has this meeting been called if our own princess cannot even perform her duties?”

I ran a hand through my hair, messing up the work Alex had done just minutes before. I didn’t know what to do anymore, unruly advisors was not exactly a lesson I got. “I may not be your king, but I am still your authority.”

“We are better off spending our time waiting for the king to return that even try to progress now,” the third advisor added.

“Excuse me,” Alex butted in, “I will remind you to have some respect. While the king is celebrating his coronation – which is well deserved, may I add – Aerowyn is holding everything together here. All these responsibilities have been dropped on her with no advanced guidance.”

Mr. Dudley scoffed. “Public appearances surely do need a whole lot of leadership and command. Traipsing around–”

“I am begging you to hold that thought. Aerowyn has been in five different meetings since this morning and has merely made one public appearance. She has had to prepare for each one of these, including memorising a speech. I believe you have no right to discuss whether or not she is worthy of her authoritative power.”

“I believe that is exactly our job.”

Alex crossed his legs, his ankle on the knee of the other leg, and he leaned back. I almost thought he had given up, but then he came with a new strategy. Changing the subject. “I have a new preposition to make for the good of the country.”

Mr. Dudley gave him a nod, believing he had won this.

“As you know, I will be returning to the United States for the duration of two weeks in a few days time,” Alex started, catching me off guard. I didn’t know he was leaving, which was strange. Wasn’t I the one person that should know? “I propose Aerowyn comes with me.”

I watched as all their faces turned red. Scrap me thinking they were angered by Alex before, they were absolutely infuriated now. So much angry emotion for a group of 60-year-olds who believed I wasn’t worth their time and questions earlier. Turned out they actually knew what I did but just didn’t want to accept it. Who would have guessed?

“Absolutely not!” Mr. Dudley sputtered out angrily.

“It will be best for both her and the entire family and it’s associates,” Alex defended.

“Are you mad?” The man across from him sneered.

“I might be, but not in this case.”

The third shook his head and mumbled under his breath, “what was Garry thinking?”

“How about we leave personal attacks out of this? It would–”

“We cannot permit Aerowyn to leave. With both the King and Queen on their tour, we need somebody here to take care of matters. If she leaves right now, the family will seem weak. We simply cannot warrant this.”

Alex breathed in deeply and leaned forward, standing behind his point of view. “I hear your concerns and recognise them. However, you need to look at the bigger picture here. Would you rather have your princess crumble in the public eye, weakening the public image and confidence right at the start of the new king’s reign or would you rather have your princess leave for two weeks to a place she already lives during the year and have her come back stronger than ever?”

“Excuse me?!” I finally interrupted after watching from a distance for so long. All heads snapped in my direction. “Do I get a say in this?”

Alex relaxed and sat back in his chair again. “It’s your choice.”

“Aerowyn,” Mr. Dudley immediately pushed, “you can clearly see that this would not be appropriate!”

I didn’t say a word, and surprisingly they all stayed silent as well. It was the first moment of peace I had gotten in a long time. I reached out and grabbed the report from the table, bringing it to my lap. The four men continued to stare at me as I scanned the pages. I had no idea what I was reading. All I could do was softly rub my temple with one hand, my elbow on the armrest, messing up my hair even more, while the other hand shakily went to flip the page. Usually I had a very steady hand, but my body obviously thought that wasn’t necessary anymore.

Alex was right. It was my choice. But at the same time it wasn’t. Not even close. I had the authority to suddenly call for a holiday. I could give a few of my duties to other people. But those things weren’t the responsible things to do. As princess and future Queen of the Kingdom of Dalewin, I couldn’t just simply decide to leave. It wasn’t how it worked.

I looked up briefly, all their eyes still on me. I gave a quick wave. “Please, continue.”

There was just more tension and silence. I kept on reading. It was the least I could do. They all had things they wanted to discuss which I knew nothing about. So, they were going to have to say something, or else this meeting was just going to continue on without any talking.

“Maybe a few weeks in the United States isn’t a bad idea,” Mr. Dudley suddenly changed opinions.

Did I really look that bad? Was my appearance really screaming that I needed a break?

“Mr. Dudley, are you certain about this?” The man to my right seemed as shocked as I was.

“Alex– Mr. Gaskarth is correct.” He gave a nod in Alex’s direction. “The worst thing we can have right now with a new king in power is have the crown princess seem incapable. We can take care of matters for two weeks.”

“What about public appearances?”

“King Edward still has siblings who are a part of this family. It might also be the perfect time for Augustus to be introduced if he is willing.”

Something in me was worried that Augustus was being offered as my replacement. I didn’t want him to be overwhelmed with everything as well. But it was only the public appearances, I had to remind myself of that. Gus-Gus had been wanting to help out there for a while, but he had always been considered too young. He would be over the moon if he was given the chance. There was no way he’d let himself mess up.

“So,” Alex smirked at me, “what do you say?”

“Very well.” I closed the folder and put it back on the table.

“I believe that sorts that. We’ll convene in the near future to work through the details,” Mr. Dudley said, no longer mad but also not overly glad. Afterall, he wasn’t the one that won this. He then glanced at me. “If I may?”

I gave him approval through a nod.

“Meeting adjourned,” he called.

The three advisors left through the side door, back to their offices, while Alex and I went back out through the main door. I walked out as composed as possible. My feet were still hurting like a bitch in my shoes.

As soon as the heavy door closed behind us, I jumped on Alex and hugged him tightly. “I could kiss you right now!”

He chuckled, “I won’t stop you.”

“But I won’t.” I let go of him again, continuing from my previous statement and excitedly kicking off my shoes.

“Well, that isn’t disappointing at all.”

“I’m sure it is.” I started skipping down the hallway. “When are we leaving?”

Alex started speed walking after me. “In five days.”

“Five days… two weeks…” I mumbled to myself before spinning around to face Alex. “What are you actually doing back in the US?”

“Blink-182 has an opening act cancelation, we’ve been called in to replace,” he shrugged.

“Blink-182?”

“Yeah, they’re a band–”

“I’m not oblivious, Alex, I know who they are.” I restarted skipping down the hallway quickly.

“You’re forgetting your shoes!” He snatched the pair off the floor, one against the left wall and the other further down the hall and more to the right.

“Fuck the shoes!”

#all time low #all time low fanfiction #Alex Gaskarth fanfiction #Alex Gaskarth #Jack Barakat #Jack Barakat fanfiction #all time low imagines #Alex Gaskarth imagines #Jack Barakat imagines #The Royal Invitation

3 notes · View notes

edelgoth · 4 years

Text

matchup commission for spookyeyesableye

hello!! this took me a bit longer than i would’ve liked, but i hope it’s worth the wait!! thank you for commissioning me!! i hope i don’t disappoint & that this was worth the wait. i broke form in regards to the romantic matchup, but i hope that’s okay?? do let me know if you’d prefer a character from your house, though

Hey, can I have a house matchup with a romantic pairing? I'm an ENFP straight male, and am cool-headed and laid back most of the time. I'm also a bit of an empath, being pretty good at reading people's emotions without needing to ask. However, I tend to be quite passive, sometimes to the point where I have trouble standing up for myself. This combined with my indecisiveness and internal worrying about what other people think of me results in a rather low self esteem.

I usually try to hide this, sometimes turning it into a self-deprecating joke. Speaking of which, I’m a bit of a goofball, and like to make people laugh. Admittedly, my sense of humor can be a bit dark, and I have a habit of being mischievous and sarcastic from time to time, but I do my best to not step over any boundaries, and am good with other types of comedy too. I think part of this stems from me wanting everyone to be happy.

If one of my friends is feeling down, I try to do whatever I can to support them and help them feel better. I generally dislike conflict, and want to resolve issues peacefully whenever I can. Some of my hobbies/interests/things I like include anime, playing games (especially anything involving strategy), horror, writing, and animals. Thanks for reading! Sorry about it being long.

Hello, spookysableye (the enfp guy from ko fi) here. I am so sorry to add stuff in last minute, but I want to add in that I also like swimming, nature, reading, and sweets. I'm fine if it takes more time with the new info; I just figured adding a little more could help. Again, sorry for bothering you last minute with this ;-;

i thought about where to put you a lot, and after much deliberation, i put you in…

the blue lions!!

i’ll be honest, it was a tough call between the blue lions and the golden deer. i think you’d fit both houses excellently, and your personality would complement each cast of characters well. but, after some thinking, i decided to put you in the blue lions because i think you fit the themes of azure moon quite well. you strike me as a kind, emotional person, and i found azure moon to be the most personal, emotive route out of the four. i also nearly put you in the black eagles (you’ll see why later), but your approach to conflict, your empathy, and your emotional soul really does scream blue lions.

dimitri: i can see you and dimitri becoming quite close, and him trusting your counsel. like you, dimitri wants everyone to be happy, and it’s something he dedicates his life to once he becomes king. his methods are quite different to yours, but i think you’d connect over the basic principle of it. dimitri is also someone who dislikes conflict, and does all he can to avoid it. it does his heart some good to hear those values echoed in someone else. but at the same time, he enjoys how laid-back you are. it’s a nice change of pace from the world he grew up in, and it helps him relax a little.

i can easily envision you working as one of his advisors both during and after the war. he likes having you by his side because you understand his values, and can help him best respond to the struggles that will face him as king. and he knows that you he can trust you, because he’s spent much of your friendship watching you do whatever you can to support your loved ones in times of need. that’s something he wants to extend to his entire kingdom. you’d have a friendship that would stick with you well into your later years.

dimitri isn’t much of a funny man himself, but he can recognize a good joke when he hears one. he surprises you, sometimes, with what he’ll laugh at; but on the bad days, he’s just glad to hear something that makes him smile. sometimes he might think a joke is a bit too rude and reprimand you for it, but that’s rare (and usually fuelled by a pre-existing tense mood, probably brought on by the stresses of being king)

while your personal struggles aren’t the same, i feel like there’s a overlapping area where you can understand each other well. it helps him feel a little closer to you, knowing that you struggle with your own sense of self-worth.

but, he tends to remind you of your virtues often. he’s always reminding you that your ability to read people is precious, and that you truly do have a good heart. he’s not necessarily doing it on purpose; he’s just a very earnest, genuine person, and he often can’t hide his admiration for people. once dimitri’s friends with someone, nothing can stop him for revealing the true depths of his fondness.

dimitri doesn’t tend to lean on people, seemingly out of a fear of burdening people, but he does occasionally lean on you. he doesn’t tend to put those feelings into words -- instead, he just seeks your company, and asks you to distract him for a while. whether that’s just talking, going on a horse ride, or finding something to eat... he just wants to let the feelings pass while with someone who has at least an inkling of what he’s going through.

tends to like talking ideals with you. it helps him smooth out the logistics of the things he believes and the change he wants to implement once he becomes king. and, being able to talk about the things he’s passionate about and the values he holds close to his heart genuinely excites him. yes, it’s also good to talk out your opinions with people who have a different perspective, but it can also be nice to chat a while with a like mind.

and, as a working team, it goes quite well; dimitri’s the one who has to make the big decisions (cancelling out any trouble your indecisiveness may cause you), while you can focus in on the more personal, small-scale aspects by talking to citizens of all levels (and using your ability to read and understand people’s feelings to the best of your ability). let’s just say that dimitri is immensely grateful for you and the role you fill, not only professionally, but platonically.

dedue: he appreciates your laid-back, cool-headed demeanour, and finds you quite easy to get along with. first and foremost, he appreciates what you do for dimitri; he’s glad that dimitri has someone else he can trust. dedue has always regarded you with respect because of that. he also tends to agree with the advice that you offer dimitri, especially after the war; it calms dedue to know dimitri has another good friend beside him.

i feel as though dedue would be a good grounding force whenever you were particularly worried about something. he’s just always so assured and stoic that it’s easy to feel like things are going to be okay when you’re with him. i don’t see the two of you having a particularly deep friendship by any standard metric, but i do think there’d be a sense of respect and gratefulness shared between the two of you. you know that if push came to shove, you could rely on dedue; and he’s very much aware that the inverse is true.

dedue also enjoys nature, and i can see you taking breaks together either in the greenhouse or the forest that surrounds garreg mach. whenever you do go out together, it’s very peaceful; you don’t need to say much, nor do either of you want to. it’s just nice to catch a moment of peace, whether that’s watching how the tree tops sway in the wind or how dedue tends to his flowers.

dedue likely doesn’t share your sense of humour, as flexible as it can be. but, sometimes, when you’ve made a joke, he’ll look off into the distance for a moment. then, he’ll say that it reminds him of a common joke format in duscur, or a clever pun in his native tongue, or a popular monologue. they’re surprisingly quiet, tender moments, when you get to see another side to him.

but, in general, i think his stoicism would provide some good comedic contrast. other people can’t help but chuckle when they see you, dimitri and dedue together. it’s just such a strange combination of personalities, and the fact that you work so well as friends almost makes it funnier.

dedue doesn’t tend to use his words that often, especially not in a vulnerable context, but he’s grateful for your ability to read his emotions. he’s aware of the fact that he’s difficult for most people to read, and that’s part of the reason some are afraid of him. knowing he doesn’t have to worry about misunderstandings when he’s with you is a big relief.

i touched on this earlier, but you do make a good supporting team for dimitri. if dedue is the shield, you’re the helmet (does that make sense?). you both have your strengths, and you’re both aware of that; and that helps you work more effectively as a team.

what i’m essentially saying with all of this is that you’re a great example of the benefits of an enfp-istj balance. you cover each other’s weak spots, while also providing a sense of comfort and support, even if it’s never quite verbalized.

felix: i think you’d be able to give felix a run for his money, all things considered. he’s abrasive and sharp-tongued at first, but i feel like you might be able to hide any hurt his words cause by remaining cool-headed. sometimes, it’ll just be you having difficulty standing up for yourself; but felix really can’t tell the difference. and it annoys him, at first. he kind of hates that you can read his feelings so easily; it makes him feel like you’ve got the jump on him.

but, over time, i think that semi-antagonistic relationship would blossom into a surprising friendship. once he’s gotten used to having you around, he starts to like you a little. he might gripe a bit at your mischievous side, since he doesn’t really get it, but you’ve woven yourself into the tapestry of his social circle and now it’d be weird if you weren’t there. he’s still gruff, but he’s more well-meaning now; and that means he’s not going to let you remain passive. he starts to challenge you just as you once challenged him, even if you weren’t totally aware you were doing it. and, even if he’s never as close to you as some other people listed her, you can both count your friendship as one that was important for your personal growth.

even before you became friends, felix would often catch himself stifling a laugh at some of your darker jokes. i think it’s a type of humour he’d enjoy, and one that he doesn’t run into much amongst the faerghus nobility. not that he’s going to admit you’re funny, though; not during your monastery days.

once you’re comfortably friends, though, i can see the two of you having some fantastic sarcastic banter. felix doesn’t seem like the guy to hold back, so things might get quite savage from time to time. but, if you two came to expect it from each other, it doesn’t really feel like a blow.

i can see you trying to freak him out with some horror stuff, but it never works. felix is completely unflappable. at first, that seems like a challenge. but, once you’ve gotten to know him, you just have to sadly accept that you’re never going to win this one.

he’s always pushing you to improve, and pressuring you to get some more practice in. and he’s not the type to really take no for an answer (unless you manage to annoy him enough that he leaves you alone. see: sylvain). so, you better be ready to work your ass off once you’ve established a rapport with him.

trying to support felix during the more difficult times is a bit of a learning curve; a totally different approach needs to be taken, and it might even feel a bit uncomfortable for you at first. but he does notice that you’re trying to go about it a different way, and he does appreciate it. even though he’ll never say it.

i think, interestingly enough, you’d have a lot of discourse about conflict. you both approach it very differently, but felix’s feelings on fighting and war and death are quite complex; there’s a lot of space to explore those thought, and while you don’t get to often, those conversations are usually illuminating.

sylvain: i can easily see you and sylvain being quite close, once you got to know each other. you’re similar in some ways; you’re both laid-back, you’re both good at reading other people’s emotions, and you both have low self-esteem. i think you’d both find yourselves surprised at how well you get each other. sylvain never expects anyone to understand, but here you come, able to read him like a book and going, “hey -- i get it.” it’s disorienting at first, but there’s no way he’s going to toss up a friendship like that.

furthermore, you’re both goofballs, too. actually, i think sylvain would enjoy all your senses of humour, tbh; he’d probably be glad to have someone he can be a little dark with. you might be a bit of a “gremlin team”, if that makes sense; ingrid’s usually annoyed with you two (mostly sylvain), but you two are having a good time. and honestly, i think you could temper him a bit; he’s got a lot of bitterness to work through that you lack, and talking it out with you could help him a ton. your cool-headed temperament is a god-send at times like that, and i think you could really encourage him to stop and reconsider his perspective. it’s the sort of thing that makes him glad that he met you.

you two are hilarious together. ingrid doesn’t think so -- as i said -- but the rest of the house is genuinely surprised by how funny you can be together. you bounce off each other quite well, and you always seem to be on a similar wavelength. sylvain often suggests that the two of you should have a stage show. you vehemently said no.

sylvain feels like he can actually talk to you about things that he’s only touched on with mercedes. he often flips between speaking too bluntly or too vaguely about how he’s really feeling, but you’re always quite good at picking up on the subtleties of the conversation. for sylvain, it’s a massive relief to get it all off his chest -- and to also get a fresh perspective on everything that’s going on. sometimes, he genuinely just wants you to tell him he’s being stupid. it’s surprisingly effective.

in return, sylvain tries to teach you how to be more confident. it’s a bit of a faux pas, as he himself is deeply insecure. but what sylvain really means by teaching you confidence is trying to teach you how to pick up girls. i’m sure you can imagine what a disaster that would be.

in that aspect, he’s your number one hype-man. but honestly, he’s your number one hype-man no matter what; whether it’s getting a girlfriend, doing well in a test, being impressive on the battlefield... sylvain’s going to be there, cheering about how “you’re the best, bro!!” every time you’ve tried to tell him to pipe down has failed. everyone else just had to get used to hearing it on the battlefield.

on a less wholesome note, he tends to rely on you to... smooth out some self-induced conflict he often lands himself in. you’re a bit like his personal pr team, cleaning up his messes alongside ingrid. he apologises for it, but to no avail; almost every fortnight when you’re at the monastery, you’d stalk into his room glowering. needless to say what the following conversation was about.

when you were at the monastery, sylvain would tend to come swimming in the lake with you. his main objective was to try to catch a glimpse of some attractive people who might be hanging around. nonetheless, it became something of a weekly habit for the two of you, regardless of whether anybody else would be there or not. once you reunite at garreg mach during the war, you started doing it again, in hopes of chasing that same feeling of mindless youthfulness. it’s a small comfort.

ingrid: i think ingrid would have a lot of respect for you. she admires people who can keep their cool under pressure, and who’ll do whatever they can to support a friend in need. although, i feel like the two of you might’ve gotten off to a rocky start. as i said, you share some similarities with sylvain -- that might be enough to raise her hackles (she loves him, of course. she’s just not sure if she can handle two of him). of course, once she gets to know you she realises you’re not that much like sylvain (you took his best bits), and it’d be very easy to build a friendship from there.

once she gets to know you properly, she begins to admire how you manage to make everyone happy. a part of her is a bit jealous, really. a small part of her wishes she had a talent for it. but, no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t wrap her head around your humour. but, it’s nice that she tries. does she have a bit of a crush on you? maybe. is she going to admit to it? absolutely not. she’s quite content leaving your relationship at it’s arms-length; a friendship that’s usually called on whenever sylvain’s fucked up.

you usually play mediator whenever she’s mad at felix or sylvain, to varying levels of success. your aptitude for understanding the feelings of others comes in handy here; you can see both sides of the argument, and you can help ingrid do the same. i think she struggles with expressing that her strictness is just a result of her love for both boys, and you can help bridge that gap.

and, as i said, you two often team up to clean up sylvain’s messes. she’s glad that someone understands what a burden it can be, and who doesn’t thing she’s being unreasonable. it’s a bit better to share the load, and she knows she can trust you to be diplomatic.

she’s another person who comes to you for advice, although it’s a rarer occurrence with her -- mainly because getting her to tell you what’s wrong or what’s really going on is like pulling teeth. but she tends to trust your words, and at the very least, they give her something to think about.

sometimes, she berates you for your own jokes, though. usually, it’s just because she’s had a bad week or a stressful day (or her father has sent her another letter). she usually apologises soon afterwards, although she always feels bad about it.

she wants to see you stand up for yourself more, and she tries to teach you how. but, ingrid can be a bit gruff, albeit in a different way to felix. it usually doesn’t work out quite how she wants it to, and she always feels bad about it. but, it all comes from a place of care -- she just wishes she could express that better.

i can see you helping her look after the pegasi, and that’s where you two have most of your chats. she enjoys working with someone who likes animals, and who genuinely cares about them. for some reason, it helps her relax a bit -- maybe because she knows you’ll take the job seriously.

annette: i hope you’re ready to adopt a little sister, because there’s nothing you can do about it. i think annette would bounce off your personality quite well, and you have quite a few similarities while also balancing one another out (watch me say this about every second person in this matchup). your laid-back, cool-headed personality would balance out annette’s more excitable, frantic one, and it might help a little with her anxiety. but, you’re both enfps, and i think annette would like having someone around who understood her thought patterns well.

i also think annette is quite capable of mischief, so that side of your personality appeals to her as well. she also appreciates how you’re able to set a boundary between what is and isn’t acceptable or appropriate; it makes it just that little bit easier to let loose and have some fun. she just has a lot of respect for you as a person, and tends to enjoy your company immensely.

annette tends to enjoy your sense of humour, being a bit of a goofball herself. i think you’d constantly be making each other laugh, no matter how stupid the joke. the other members of the blue lions can’t help but smile when they hear your laughter echoing through the monastery.

annette can be a bit of a firecracker, and she will stand up for you without hesitation. hell, she’d stand up for you to you. she just loves you very, very much, and she needs you and everyone else to know that. her and mercedes would be gassing you up all the time, let’s be real. it’s just a little triangle of positivity.

you and annette make up the “mercedes’ baked goods no. 1 fan club.” any time mercedes is in the kitchen, the two of you aren’t far away, already drooling over the smell of whatever she’s put in the oven. mercedes loves having you two there, too, since you’re both so supportive; like i said!! little triangle of positivity. too wholesome.

please drag her outside and into nature for a bit of a detox,,, she’s just go-go-go, and while she says that’s how she’s most comfortable in her byleth supports, it’s still important that she takes a break every once in a while. i can see the two of you just grabbing a book each and sitting in the forest outside garreg mach, just enjoying the peace and quiet of the forest (well. so long as raphael isn’t out there training).

speaking of books -- you two are trading them all the time!! annette loves sharing them with you because she wants to talk to someone about them; she just has a lot of thoughts bouncing round that head of hers, and she wants someone to understand them. she also just enjoys getting a different perspective on them; so expect a lot of books on all sorts of things shoved in your face each week.

i think that she would look up to you as an older brother figure. she’s an only child, and that can get pretty lonely; you’re pretty much the perfect image of what she’d imagine her big brother would be like. and the respect and adoration she would direct towards such a person is pretty on par with how she’d feel about you. but, since you’re not real siblings, it means you can dodge a lot of the bickering. which is a good thing. i personally wouldn’t want to be getting into a spat with someone who knows spells like cutting gale.

mercedes: you and mercedes would definitely be close. you’d have a very natural friendship, as your personalities complement each other quite well. you seem to be the more logical out of the two of you, but you still have a sensitivity that mercedes finds her strength in. it’d be very natural for a friendship to develop between the two of you, and i think it’d be quite easy to open up to one another. there’s a ring of platonic soulmates to your friendship, and it makes it very precious to her.

i think you’d have a good understanding of one another. for one thing, you both err on the side of pacifism, and you both prioritize the happiness of others. i think mercedes would be quite grateful to have someone at her side to help her take care of everyone, even if you tend to focus more on making them laugh. together, you’re a bit of a cathartic dream-team (i’ve always said that mercedes is just the counselor of garreg mach, after all). as such, she’s quite good at reading people, and therefore in-tune with your insecurities. you might keep them inside, but nobody can hide anything from mercedes.

of course, mercedes disagrees with your negative self-assessments. she’s not afraid to tell you how wonderful she thinks you are, and to combat any negative thoughts with unshakable positivity. she knows you well, so she knows when you’re being hounded by worry; and so, she’s very good at well-timed compliments and reassurances, without you having to say anything.

a lot of your jokes fly over mercedes’ head. but, that can be funny in it’s own way; it’s almost that she’s too pure, in a way. dark humour and sarcasm just don’t seem to land. but she laughs anyway, just because that’s the sort of person she is.

during the tougher times, i can see you two playing a ‘caretaker’ role for the rest of your friends. during the war time, mercedes makes sure to check in on everyone, enlisting your help to do so. there’s only so much the two of you can do on your own, but together?? maybe you can help make life a little more bearable.

during the war, you’re one of the people that mercedes turns to. she’s really not a fighter, and the constant battles and suffering are sometimes too much for her. knowing she can turn to you takes a massive burden off her shoulders, and she can allow herself to be the one getting taken care of for once.

as a lover of ghost stories, she tends to find enjoyment in the horror stories you have stocked up. she likes to trade books with you, seeking out titles on all sort of ghoulish things. her own mischievous side comes out in these little trades; she wants to out-frighten you, if she can.

she’s always baking you sweets. she loves baking in general, and having a willing recipient is always a strong motivator for her. you’re always the first (alongside annette, of course) to try out the results of any new recipes she tackles. whenever you’re busy or feeling down, she always drops off a care package -- usually a little wicket basket stuffed to the brim with all sorts of baked goods.

ashe: you two would have an adorable friendship, might i say. ashe himself is quite laid-back, and he also wants to help other people and make them happy. you have a similar way of going about things; the main difference is that you fall back on humour, while ashe relies on sheer earnestness. that being said, ashe is capable of being quite goofy (i may never forgive him for his tea-rrible pun), which means the two of you could certainly have a lot of fun. for the most part, you’d have a very fun, light-hearted friendship.

but, on a more serious note, ashe is very understanding and patient, and i feel like you’d really get along with that sort of person (if the rest of this house matchup is any indication). furthermore, you both dislike conflict and want everyone to be happy; and for ashe, they’re pretty core values. i feel like ashe would look up to you a little, almost as a big brother figure. of course, as you got older, that’d even out a bit and he’d definitely consider the two of you equals, but i think you’d always have a special place in his heart.

and yet another house mate who would love sharing books!! at this point, you really should just start a book club -- ashe’s books of choice are, of course, his knight tales. expect a lot of gushing about his favourite stories; he just really, really wants you to like them!!

sometimes, you feel like teasing him, and hand him over a book on some topic of horror. most of the time, ashe just politely declines. other times, you’ll start recounting the story to him. those times, he starts to cover his ears and chant “la la la”, the poor boy. he can barely handle ghosts, let alone any other horror trope.

he’s also the biggest fan of your writing, and the best audience. once you let slip that you enjoyed doing some writing on your own, ashe begged that you let him read it immediately. and, because it’s ashe, and nobody can say no to ashe, you handed over what you considered to be your best manuscript. and he adored it. he was just so enthusiastic about everything you’d put into words, from the plot to the characters to the world at large. for his birthday in that year you shared at the monastery, you wrote him a short story about his adventures as a knight. suffice to say that he cried.

as i said, he looks up to you almost as a big brother figure. beause of that, he’s always coming to you for advice, guidance and support. he takes your suggestions and approval very seriously, and he’s always hopingt o impress you a little. he’s a bit like annette, in that regard.

but, he’s always ready and willing to give that same support back!! you’d know that, no matter what, you could turn to ashe if you needed help. and he would respond ten-fold.

him and annette form your protection squad, standing up for you whenever necessary. and, of course, loudly singing your praises to anyone who’ll listen. it’s embarrassing, yes, but they’re so earnest about it that it’s pretty sweet.

other notable connections

dorothea: listen. listen. you and dorothea were made for each other. first of all, you both tend to worry what people think of you, and have low self-esteem. some people may say that it’s not a good thing for a couple to share something like that, but in dorothea’s case, i think it would provide a sense of understanding that she desperately needs. i think she’d flourish with someone more empathetic, who can read her feelings without her having to unpack them all. at the same time, you balance each other out; dorothea can be a bit of a spit-fire, while you’re more cool-headed. you’re indecisive, but dorothea isn’t afraid to shoot for what she wants. a relationship where you can cover each other’s weaker spots while still maintaining a good connection is a rare and precious thing indeed.

she enjoys your more laid-back, cool-headed personality, finding it quite refreshing amongst the inhabitants of garreg mach. she finds you quite funny, whether you’re being a little dark or mischievous or sarcastic; she can be quite sarcastic herself, after all. all in all, i think you two have a lot to laugh about, a lot to talk about, and share a sense of loving understanding. with you, dorothea genuinely feels like she can let her guard down, and just relax for once. in her mind, it was only natural that she fall for you.

like mercedes, dorothea knows where a self-deprecating joke comes from and when to be worried about it. it’s not that she treats you like an idiot for talking badly about yourself; she’ll just tell you you’re wrong, and give you a long list of reasons why. of course, she understands it, but because she understands it, she wants you to stop feeling like that as quickly as possible.

that being said, you’re definitely the sort of couple to roast each other on menial things. you’re both sarcastic, it was bound to happen. but you’re both mindful to never dig at any sore spots. you two get quite clever with it, resulting in some inside jokes that are quite complex. she enjoys that you can keep each other on your toes, and it helps her feel like you two are really equals if you can joke like this.

whenever you’ve burned yourself out looking after others (especially during the war time), dorothea does all that she can to look after you. she admires how you’ll do whatever you can to support those closest to you, and she thinks it’s something very beautiful. but, she also sees how exhausting that can be, and how much it takes out of you. she knows you so well, and therefore knows exactly the support you need after a long day (or week. or year). and best of all, she’s not afraid that it’ll be unrequited; whenever she needs this kind of attention, she trusts that you’ll return it.

during the war, dorothea takes solace in the fact that you also dislike conflict. the war hits her particularly hard, and she struggles with comprehending the violence and the suffering every day. getting to spend time with you in the quiet moments, away from anyone who wants to talk or moralize about the war, she can relax. she just wants peace, and she knows you do to. it’s more comforting than you could imagine.

she likes small animals, so i can imagine the two of you “accidentally” adopting a bunch of strays around the monastery. you’re just feeding some kittens because “she feels bad” and the next thing you know a hoard of cats is following you around the monastery like a little army. and after the war, once you’ve settled down together, your house is always filled with and frequented by a whole host of animal patrons (she has a particular fondness for small animals, and there’ve been a few times you’ve feared an impending squirrel infestation. thankfully, it never happened).

she tried, many a time, to convince you to write an opera for her. she says she’ll handle the music, that’s fine; but she wants to see one of your stories come alive on stage. you caved, eventually, and started writing it during the second half of your monastery year; once the war hit, you didn’t really have the time to think about it all that much. but, every so often, you’d revisit it, adding a scene or two to try and take everything off your mind. when you were reunited with dorothea at garreg mach, you showed it to her. she cried. once the war was wrapped up, dorothea set her next goal as getting this opera produced. working with yuri as they set up their own opera company, dorothea ensured that the very first performance they put on was of your opera. to say that it made you tear up may be a bit of an understatement.

yuri: you echo him, in a lot of ways. cool-headed, laid-back, empathetic; yuri could really respect a guy like you. you care about your people, and that’s something he can get behind. it’s something that makes him feel like he can trust you, and maybe even rely on you when the going gets tough. furthermore, i think he’d genuinely enjoy all facets of your humour; he can be playful and goofy, but he can also be a bit more macabre. but like felix, i think he’d kind of hate that you can read his feelings so well -- but, he can read yours too. he’s probably the first person who encouraged you to actually pursue dorothea. two people he genuinely liked, in a stable relationship? hell yeah.

i can see yuri encouraging you to stand up for yourself. he’s had his own struggles with self-esteem and self-worth through his life, and he hates seeing you go through something in a similar vein. he learnt that you have to fight back. and honestly, he wants to see you realise your value. and, frankly, he just thinks you’re a likable guy.

you didn’t mention pranks in your description, but i feel like yuri would constantly be embroilling you in a little prank war. it’s nothing big or grand; he’ll just nab a sock from your room, or pocket all of your ink vials from your desk. nothing that takes a lot of effort, but something annoying enough to catch your attention. he’s goading you, trying to get you to bite back. whether or not you do, however, is a different story.

on a more wholesome rope, he often tries to rope you in to looking after orphans with him. he reckons they need a good laugh, and you’d be able to provide that. sometimes he tries to set up dates for you and dorothea this way; yuri’s still there, of course, but he’ll give you a suspiciously wide berth.

you two would have sarcastic banter from when you met until the end of time. it’s not quite roasting, as with dorothea, but you might have an entire conversation full of double entendres and attempts to out-wit each other. yuri loves it; it keeps him on his toes, and you actually manage to keep up with him.

he tends to generally enjoy your company, as well. he likes spending his down time with you, whether that’s hanging out in one of your dorms, near the river in abyss, in the library, etc. you’ve got a relaxed vibe to you, and i think that’s something yuri would always find some comfort in.

when yuri’s trying to help you with your self-esteem, he’s very subtle about it. he usually tries to find ways to demonstrate your own strengths to you, or to reveal how little notice other people tend to take. he never really approaches you with rhetoric, because he thinks that real life examples are more effective.

he’s always challenging you to strategy board games, determined to win. it’s a habit that follows the two of you long into your friendship; even during the war, he’ll crack out an old, familiar game every once in a while, just to alleviate some of the stress and worry hounding the both of you. hell, you’d still be challenging each other well into old age (and each game ends with the losing party vowing that next time, they’re going to come out on top).

claude: frankly, if i think you’d get along with yuri, logically i’d think the same thing about claude (the fact they don’t have supports is a CRIME). and honestly, he was one of the main reasons i thought of placing you in the golden deer. i think you and claude would have a great rapport, and a friendship that balances the two of you out. he’s a bit more chaotic and confident, while you’re more low-key and a bit insecure. but, you’re both laid-back and share similar senses of humour, so you’d naturally have a good rapport.

over time (and especially the war), i think claude would come to trust you more than most. similarly to dimitri, he puts stock in your counsel, and will consult you on the next move every once in a while (it’s not frequent, as claude always likes to keep his cards close to his chest, but you’d notice him letting you in on his schemes more than he used to). you would inject a bit more humanity into the way he approaches things (i mean, i perceive claude as fairly humanitarian, but he’s very,,, big picture?? i think he can forget to care for people’s feelings in the moment -- like when he starts to grill rhea after they’ve only just rescued her from captivity. he acknowledges that she must be exhausted, but it doesn’t stop him from pressing her for info. i’m going off on a tangent, back to the point--). overall,i think you’d have a close friendship that can incur growth in the both of you!!

he’s always trying to get you to pull pranks with him. i can see you joining on on the less complicated ones (because claude definitely has some overwrought & highly ambitious plans that he’d like to pull off), and the two of you making quite the name for yourselves during the monastery years

like you, claude loves to read (his bed, both pre- and post-timeskip, is littered with books), and he’s always lending and recommending new titles for you to read. if you actually get around to reading them, he’s going to talk and talk and talk at you about it, asking you for your perspectives and opinions

during the war period, claude will occasionally take you out on his wyvern, heading towards a somewhat remote natural location. he knows you love nature, and he thinks you both deserve a break. he always brings a book (or maybe a couple) to read, happy to spend a couple of hours just appreciating the calm that nature brings.

as i said, claude puts stock in your counsel, and that’s evident during the war. he appreciates your cool head and your dislike of conflict, and he thinks that will help him achieve a peaceful resolution to the war.

but at the same time, as mentioned earlier, your empathy would help him out a lot. you would help him realise when he wasn’t thinking of the emotional consequences of his actions.

you’d always be making each other laugh. claude is a bit of a goofball himself, and he can also be quite sarcastic. you two would build up quite the repertoire of inside jokes that nobody else understands -- something of a godsend during the war.

hilda: ah, hilda. the other reason i wanted to place you in the golden deer. but alas, the pull of hilda and claude wasn’t enough to make me displace you. i think you have the sort of personality that both intrigues and perplexes hilda; she enjoys that you can be a bit mischievous and goofy, and yet you’re so willing to bend over backwards for others. and on-top of all that, she can’t comprehend the fact that you’re insecure while being so likable. you just don’t make sense to her, so she just has to get to know you better.

while i’m still set as dorothea as your romantic match, i do think you and hilda would have some kind of,,, romantic tension, so to say?? especially at the beginning, before anything had happened between you and dorothea. either way, i think you’d have some natural chemistry, and you’d find yourselves drawn to each others’ company. hilda isn’t much of a fighter, but you’d be surprised to see her stick up for you every now and then; if you need defending, hilda’s your girl.

she’s always taking advantage of you, as she usually does. but she’s a little bit kinder, a little bit more appreciative when she’s goading you to do something. and when she says thank you, every word is sincere

she’s cleverer than she lets on, so she knows when a self-deprecating joke is hiding something more dour, and will playfully reprimand you for such talk. she knows you’re better than what you think you are

regardless of if you’re romantically interested in each other or not, hilda’s always flirting with you. she hopes that maybe one compliment will stick, and help you feel a little bit better about yourself. and, she just likes making you blush

she just enjoys being in your presence, finding you someone she can really relax around. you don’t seem like the type to judge, and hilda likes that; she doesn’t feel any pressure to be someone she’s not around you -- and that’s a big relief during the war

always telling you that you should try to make yourself happy for once; she’s noticed how you prioritize everyone else, and while that’s certainly admirable, she thinks you should give that same energy back to yourself

don’t expect her to make any grand gestures, though; but you will find her organizing tea time and lunches for the two of you more often than you’d think

#matchups #matchup commission #house matchup #blue lions matchup

3 notes · View notes

cards-onthetable · 5 years

Note

I'd ask you to write a March Madness Joble but that feels very American-centric and maybe no one's interested. But if it led to playing a little one-on-one in the Reagan driveway with Looks and heavy breathing and Competitive Flirting and Jamie trying not to push him up against the brick on the side of his father's house maybe people would be interested. 👀👀🏀

Oh, like this?👀👀👀👀👀👀

This is like, Aggressively American so I apologize to all our non-basketball obsessed dumpster members. It’s also a lot of words and I’m kind of mad about it. Consider it an authorized add-on to @ontherockswithsalt‘s highschool!Joble AU and party like it’s 1999.

***

“That was not a foul!”

The loud protest rings out as I cautiously slip inside the Reagans’ back door. “Come on, you’ll let it go when Miami’s hanging off the guy’s back, but you call that?”

I don’t recognize the voice, but Jamie’s reply is unmistakable. “He got him on the arm, Danny!”

“Jamie?” I call. “Hey, I’m here.”

“Who’s that?” Danny demands, but Jamie doesn’t answer him as he appears at the edge of the kitchen.

“Hey, sorry, I knocked but…”

“But it’s a little loud in here,” Jamie shrugs. “Come on in, we’re just watching Purdue give Miami a run for their money. My brother’s here. Hence the yelling.”

I trail him into the living room just as his brother Danny slumps down hopelessly into Mr. Reagan’s usual armchair. “This is so bad. Dammit, Jamie--”

“Not my fault your bracket sucks,” Jamie shrugs. “This is Noble, by the way.”

Danny turns a lazy glance on me. “Oh, that kid Mom was talking about.”

“Uh -- yeah, him,” Jamie confirms. He meets my eyes with a grimace that’s either apologetic or embarrassed, I’m not sure, but it’s damn cute either way.

“Basketball fan?” Danny asks.

“March Madness fan.”

“He’s pissed that Miami isn’t walking away with this game,” Jamie explains.

“I got Miami in the championship!” Danny wails. “Purdue sucks, they’re a ten-seed. This shouldn’t even be a game.”

Jamie rifles through a pile of papers on the coffee table -- his family’s tournament brackets, I realize -- and quickly checks. “No, you have them losing in the Final Four.”

“In my precinct pool, you dummy, the one that matters,” Danny grunts.

I squint at the score in the corner of the grainy screen, where number two-ranked Miami is losing by two. “Well I’ve got Miami in the Final Four too so…”

“So both of you are idiots. Miami doesn’t have the defense to match Purdue’s big guys.” Jamie holds up his own bracket sheet, a smug smirk tugging at his lips. “Go Boilermakers.”

“Lotta game left,” Danny warns him. “Don’t count your chickens, kid.”

Slinging my backpack off my shoulder, I drop onto the couch near Jamie. He does still help me out with Lit class but it’s become more of an afterthought, almost an excuse for the amount of time we’ve been spending together. I’m here once or twice a week, not to mention quiet mornings spent across from each other at our usual library table before class, and other… friendly excuses to hang out whenever they come up.

Danny -- a gruffer, more human contrast to Jamie’s polished parents, his Ivy League sister, the other brother who is apparently just a taller version of Jamie -- turns out to be more entertaining than the game. Purdue is dominating and soon there’s no question about who’ll win.

“You should’ve listened to me,” Jamie shrugs at his brother, who isn’t soothed by the sentiment. “I said when you turned in your bracket…”

“You did not, you’re full of it,” Danny grumbles.

“You know, I bet most people have Miami winning,” I offer. “Nobody thinks a ten will beat a two--”

“Well, not nobody--” Jamie interrupts.

“I didn’t ask you,” I say, shutting him up with a blind elbow to his biceps across the couch. “Who else you got in the Final Four? You could still have a chance.”

Jamie wrenches his arm away and counters with his own elbow. “Well I’m the only one here who got this game right, so maybe you should be asking me.”

I finally lean back against the couch, no longer playfully excluding Jamie from conversation with the angle of my body. “Oh-ho, you got one upset right, better call Sportscenter.”

“My bracket’s better than anyone else’s!” Jamie insists. “My entire Elite Eight is still alive. What about you, Danny?”

“It’s still early,” Danny retorts.

“Yeah, pretty early to have half your teams out--” Jamie ducks, laughing, as Danny pegs a wadded paper towel at him. “Well, you two enjoy watching your brackets die. I’m hungry.”

Taking the paper towel ball and the empty bag of chips from the coffee table, he heads to the kitchen. A moment later, when the game goes to commercial, I follow him.

“He’s just jealous because my bracket has been better than his every year since I was like, ten,” Jamie tells me. “Whenever I could start making informed decisions instead of random guesses.”

I help myself to the other half of the peanut butter sandwich he made. “That wasn’t until you were ten?” I tease.

“Well yeah, I don’t think I really understood the more obscure statistics until then--”

“Oh, my god,” I groan. “Why’m I not surprised?”

“What?” He wonders. “It’s how to do things if you want to win.”

“Stats don’t win games,” I argue. “If they did, there’d be no upsets, the Final Four would be all the one-seeds…”

“No, see, that’s not true. There are other important factors to figure out which team should win any given game, it’s not just win-loss record.”

I shake my head. “You’re the only person I know who can take something fun and make it like, some boring math problem. Your stats only mean so much. What matters is how you actually play.”

Jamie lets out an amused scoff. “That’s what stats are, man. They tell you how you play. A little more specifically than good or bad.”

“There’s no substitute for just playing,” I maintain. “Knowing how someone is on the court. You can’t break that down into a bunch of numbers.”

“Jamie!” Danny yells. “I’m gonna take off. Tell Mom Linda’s working on Sunday so she won’t be at dinner.”

“Okay,” Jamie calls back. “Any miraculous comebacks in there?”

“Can it,” Danny shouts, and the front door slams behind him before Jamie can do more than snicker at his brother’s frustration.

“You play?” he asks me as he turns to replace the jar of jelly in the fridge.

“Play?” I echo.

“Basketball, dude. Do you?”

“Sure.” I don’t, really. I quit organized sports around the time the coaches got serious and started to be pissed at me for dicking around.

“Alright then, let’s go,” he challenges with a flick of his eyebrows. “One-on-one.”

My eyes widen at the challenge. “What’ll I win?”

“That’s the question I should be asking you.”

“You’re not driving my car,” I announce, killing that dream of his before he can bring it up again.

“Sounds like you’re concerned. You know, I was the top three-point shooter by percentage on my eighth grade team.”

“How about you let your game speak for itself.”

“Just want you to know what you’re up against,” he says, an easy smile betraying his confidence. “Let me go change, be right back.”

He heads upstairs and returns quickly, having switched to mesh shorts rather than the jeans he was inexplicably wearing for a casual night in at his own house. Once he’s tied his New Balance tennis shoes he leads the way outside, where a hoop I hadn’t noticed before hangs above the garage door.

“First to eleven baskets wins,” Jamie says. “Jump balls go to the offense. Inbound at that crack right there. Here, you can be on offense first.”

Basketball propped against his hip, he waits at the designated crack in the driveway pavement as I position myself across from him, facing the basket. Then he passes me the ball and bends his knees into a defensive stance. I dribble in place for a moment before I attempt to go around him, only for his long arm to slap the ball away. He manages to grab it and turns to the basket to make an easy layup.

“Oh, so that’s how it is, huh?” I call out.

“Doesn’t have to be,” he smirks. “You could, I don’t know, play a little--”

“Alright, hey, check me the ball, let’s go.”

“One, nothing,” he says, and we start over.

This time I’m more ready for him. With a little momentum towards the basket, I stop short and send up a jump shot before he can adjust. It bounces off the rim and I dash for the rebound, making the second shot I take.

“How’s that for ‘playing a little’?”

“We might have a game here.” Jamie jogs to the inbound line and pushes his hair back off his forehead. “What’s wrong, Sanfino? Nervous?”

“No. For you, maybe.”

I bounce him the ball, expecting him to dribble and set himself up for his play. Instead he immediately flies past me and makes a show of his shot while I can just stand there and watch him score.

“What was that?” he calls as the ball rolls away. “Who’re you scared for?”

“Okay, so that’s how it’s gonna be?”

“How it’s gonna be? What, like a game? I’m not here to bake cookies, man. Get the ball.”

“You get it.”

“I’m winning.”

Brushing past him, I wing out an arm to shove him and then I smack the ball hard against his stomach. “Not for long.”

He’s a better ball handler than I am, but I’m bigger and I’m not afraid to throw my weight around a little bit. Where he pulls out fancy moves, dribbles between his legs and cuts around me to the basket, I just lower my shoulder against his chest and push back, keeping my dribble with the other hand until I’m close enough to turn and shoot. Despite our different styles we’re evenly matched, tied at eight when I have to take a time-out.

Jamie sends a confused frown my way as his chest heaves with a deep breath. “‘S wrong?”

“Lemme get some water,” I say, swiping at my sweaty forehead with the hem of my t-shirt.

“Hurry up, we gotta finish before my parents get home and park in front of the hoop. Whoa, unless that’s your whole strategy--”

“Strategy?”

“Put it off long enough that we can’t finish, and therefore you can’t lose.”

“Big talk from a guy who’s not actually winning,” I remind him with a teasing grin.

He body-checks me as we both go for the kitchen door like he can’t leave the game on the driveway. It’s different seeing him like this, letting loose a little rather than taking everything so seriously. Between that and the physical closeness of him as we play, every nerve in my body is buzzing and it’s kind of distracting. I don’t need the water break so much for the water as to relax myself for a second before I really do lose this game.

We down glasses of water, check the score of the game that’s on in the empty living room, and head back outside. Jamie pulls off his Harvard sweatshirt and his shirt comes up with it, flashing skin I didn’t ask to see. It almost surprises me when he shoves the ball at me and I remember I’m supposed to beating his ass.

“Let’s go!” he urges. “We’re losing daylight here.”

I pass him the ball to start his offense and he pulls another quick move around me to make a ten-foot jumper. Then I promptly miss the same shot, and he shoulders his way underneath me to come up with the rebound. Ducking away to reset, he beats my slow defense once more and I can just catch his point beneath the basket.

“Uh-oh, game point,” he pants, managing a knowing grin. “It’s your last chance, bro. Don’t blow it.”

“I’m not about to blow anything,” I assert. “Quit fucking around, Reagan, and inbound the ball.”

“Oh, he’s serious now, folks,” Jamie narrates to nobody. He takes the ball as I get in position at the line, and he bounces it to me. “Less than a minute left and it’s a two-possession game. Sanfino has the ball--”

Dribbling with my right hand, I turn my back to his defense and drive left to the basket.

“He’s going for the basket,” he continues, his breath hot at my neck as I push against him. “It’s a tough man-to-man defense. Lots of traffic in the lane--”

He’s fucking distracting, his teasing and his hips pressed against my ass stirring something deep in my gut that I try to ignore in my struggle to focus. When I shove off him with a strong push of one arm and turn to shoot, I’m just throwing up a prayer and it bounces hopelessly off the rim.

Jamie pivots and goes for the ball with me close behind. We both get our hands on it, fighting until I yell, “Jump! Jump balls go to the offense,” and rip the ball away. He scrambles to get back on defense but I’m quick enough to make the layup.

“Sanfino makes the layup and it’s getting interesting here in Bay Ridge, folks…”

“Oh, my god, shut up,” I demand, but I can’t help the laugh that escapes my winded chest.

He ducks his face againt a defined shoulder to clear the sweat, and then I pass him the ball. “The shot clock is winding down -- Reagan for the win -- five, four, three--” And he swishes a perfect long jumper, ending it without ever leaving me a chance.

He pumps a triumphant fist and jogs around me to get the ball before it rolls away. “And that,” he declares, “is what happens when you think you can beat the best three-point shooter on the 8th grade Bay Ridge Badgers.”

“Badgers?” I yelp, cracking up. “No way.”

“We only won two games,” Jamie admits. “But I made eighty-three percent of my three-pointers.” He stows the ball in the garage and shuts the side door behind him as he approaches me. “Hey, man, good game. That was fun.”

I accept his outstretched hand and we pull each other into a sweaty back-slapping hug.

“We’ll have to play again sometime, and I won’t let you win.”

“Let me win? Let me?” He shoves me back and heads for the door, grabbing his discarded sweatshirt as he does. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.”

Running a hand through sweaty hair, I stay on the driveway for a beat to let a deep breath and a nice stretch disperse all the jumpy energy flowing through me. And then I follow him into the house.

21 notes · View notes

of-ma-melancholy · 5 years

Text

The Comfort of Darkness

Warning: This post is not poetry. It’s a lot of self-indulgent rambling in the dark about depression and suicidal thoughts that have plagued me for all of my adult life.

If you are feeling depressed, or in a bad place in your life, you may not want to read it. My intent is not to cause harm, but to vent and try to purge some of this from my soul.

The comfort of darkness is a very real thing.

The first time I was confronted with suicide, I was around eleven.

I don’t remember exactly why, but my parents were arguing. Most likely about money. They did that a lot back then. I suppose it’s not uncommon among middle and lower class families. A lot of angry yelling, occasionally accented by the sound of breaking objects.

In my vague memory, I remember that my father was drunk. Or at the very least tipsy. In any case, he wasn’t completely sober. Now, my father was not normally a violent man. Not even when under the influence. Usually, if things were being broken, it was my volatile mother who was the instigator, not my father.

Normally before one of their fights, there was an oppressive heaviness in the air. On those days, my brother and I both knew it would be bad, and tried to be asleep before our father got home. Even if the shouting woke us, at least we would both be safely tucked away in our rooms, where we could pretend to be asleep. Until the shouting tapered out, and we actually could fall back into uneasy dreams again.

But not that night.

Honestly, I don’t know what made this one incident different. Why this one argument had such a different outcome. But that night, the arguing did not taper off into calmer tones or discussion, or even a sullen silence. Instead, that night, my brother and I were both dragged out of bed to be packed into the car.

On that night, my father, under the influence of alcohol, and possibly a combination of rage and despair, he took his family in the car and drove up to the cliffs of Palos Verdes. And drove us around on those cliffs.

Winding roads. Steep cliffs. Drunk driving. In the dark. With the rocks and the cold Pacific Ocean waiting below.

The whole trip, he talked about how people had died on those cliffs. Still died, all the time. Driving too fast, losing control, the car tumbling over the side and down to the rocky shore below. Sometimes accidentally. Sometimes not accidentally.

“At least if we go, we’ll all die as a family,” he told us, almost gloatingly, as my brother and I clung together, cowering, in the back seat of the car. Crying. Terrified.

I don’t remember how we got home. Or how we got back into the house. The next morning, we didn’t talk about it. We never talked about it. Never discussed it. It just became one of those things. Things the family knew, but didn’t really talk about. Not seriously. Maybe as a joke.

It was all a joke.

I didn’t know how to process the incident. I was only eleven. Maybe twelve. I didn’t know how to understand any of it. What it meant, why it happened. No one wanted to talk about it.

All I knew was that my own father felt that we all deserved to die. That I deserved to die.

My father.

I came to the conclusion that suicide must be acceptable, if things went bad. A viable, ultimate escape strategy. After all, it was ok for my dad. If it’s ok for your own parents, then how could it not be acceptable?

So I started planning.

My first suicide “plan” was rather laughable. In my defense, I was eleven or twelve at the time. My plan was to sneak out at night, go to the school, climb the fence, and hang myself on the big kids jungle gym apparatus.

Now, the first part of my plan was easy enough. My bedroom window opened to the backyard, and the window screen was easy enough to unfasten. With the help of a wooden board, I could hop over the fence without issue. And the walk to the elementary school wasn’t far. But I soon realized that the rest of the plan wouldn’t work.

For one, I was always somewhat clumsy and uncoordinated. And afraid of heights. Climbing over the chain link fence of the school playground would have been difficult. And I didn’t know how to tie knots. I could do a simple slip knot, but even I knew that such a flimsy knot probably wouldn’t be enough. And didn’t know where to get strong rope. At least, not good rope that wasn’t scratchy, like the roll of twine that was in the garage. That would hurt my neck.

I decided I just didn’t know enough yet. So I’d give myself time to learn more. Besides, my melancholy, dramatic young self decided, thirteen was a nice age at which to end a life.

(Yes, very emo. Of course, “emo” wasn’t even a thing back then. We’re talking about the early 80s here.)

Seventh grade was hard. The start of junior high brought a lot of changes. Like most teens, my self esteem and feelings of self worth took huge blows. I honestly think that without my brother, and new friends I met by happenstance, I may not have made it through that time.

I still had not learned enough at thirteen, though. I wasn’t even really sure how to research it. Again, early 80s. There was no internet. Encyclopedias didn’t exactly have entries on “How to kill yourself without failure,” and I wasn’t about to ask a librarian where such information could be found.

Rat poison was a possibility, but I didn’t know where to get it, or if they would sell that to a child without asking some difficult-to-answer questions. The thought of poison also scared me, a little. I still wasn’t sure where to find good rope, and had decided that twine really wasn’t going to work. Besides, the hardware store was a little far to walk to, and it wasn’t like I could ask someone to drive me.

By eighth grade things were starting to look a little better in my life. New friends helped to ease my awkwardness, so I pushed the dark thoughts back into the corner of my mind.

Maybe twenty-six, I thought. That might be better.

The thought was always there, though. And various exit strategies came and went, as the years passed.

Razors in the bathtub, if I could overcome my fear of cutting myself on purpose. I did try overcoming that fear a little bit, but couldn’t commit to it. Besides, the aftermath would be messy, and not fair to whoever got stuck with the clean-up.

Drowning was out fairly early, however. We didn’t have a pool, for one. Also, thanks to a couple of childhood incidents, I had something of a phobia of swimming pools, as well as the terror of being unable to breath. The iridescent play of reflected light dancing across the water’s surface over a blue pool still makes me nauseous, to this day.

Hanging was out as well. Unless I could figure out how to make a noose, and find out exactly where to place the knot to ensure I broke my neck after the initial jerk of falling down. Again, terror of being unable to breathe thing.

There was suicide by cop -- getting one of those toy laser gun at a police officer. At the time, there were sad stories on the news about one young man who had died that way, as he and his friends played around a school campus at night. But I couldn't justify involving someone else in my death that way. I didn’t want to make someone else feel responsible, just because I was a coward and couldn’t do the deed myself.

Of course, there was always the option of driving a car off a cliff. It just seemed like a waste of a perfectly functional car. Not to mention that 14-year-olds can’t legally drive, and I didn’t want to ruin the family’s car. I also didn’t think asking my dad how to hotwire a car would go over too well.

The most ridiculous, most elaborate, and most implausible plan ever, was to somehow rig an explosive device with a timer, and drive out into middle of the desert somewhere in Nevada. I’d go out in the middle of the night, and find somewhere really remote. Then I could set the timer for like two hours, then a bunch of sleeping pills, and drink alcohol until I passed out. (I was maybe 17, and melodramatic.)

Alas, I have never been mechanically inclined.

It has never really stopped. From time to time, I still try to come up with a good plan for an exit strategy, as it were.

Firearms are said to be the most effective means. But in California, I’d have to be able to pass a test to get a handgun. And then the waiting period. I probably could pass it, but not sure a .22 would be enough power. The one time I shot a .9 it kinda was too much for my weak hands to handle.

There was the Antifreeze cocktail plan. Of course, that plan is no longer feasible, as they now add a strong bitterant to the gatorade-colored stuff that keeps our cars from catching on fire -- meant to help deter animals from accidentally poisoning themselves. And also the occasional human, either accidentally or purposefully.

Shotgun. Messy. And I have short arms. I’d have to trigger it with my foot, and balance the damn thing. Awkward. Not practical. And again, messy.

Still, I have the idea, in the back of my mind. Like a tainted touchstone of sorts. Knowing it’s there, as an option -- as the ultimate path of escape -- brings me a dark sense of comfort, and security.

It’s not healthy. But it’s all I’ve known, for most of my life.

The darkness is my only solace. I don’t know how to let go.

I don’t know if I want to let go.

#depression #suicidal thoughts

1 note · View note

transparentcodingnotes · 3 years

Text

Coding - Psychology, Stress, Health

Notes taken from: https://www.freecodecamp.org/news/a-coders-guide-to-managing-stress-46f2bbb49a8e/ https://skillcrush.com/blog/eliminate-your-coding-anxiety/ Good reddit resource: https://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/comments/3t8hcy/programming_is_just_too_stressful/ How Stress Works Programming culture emphasises excellence and ability. This can make it difficult to admit to ourselves or others that we might be having an issue with stress.

Stress In The Mind And Body Stress is a series of physiological and mental changes that happen when our body and mind percieve a threat or challenge in our environment. Stress and relaxaion are defined by the level of physiological arousal and muscular tension in the body. To be relaxed is to have the optimal level of physiological arousal and muscle tension for your current situation. To be stressed or anxious is to have too much physiological arousal and muscle tension for your current situation. The stress response - also known as flight or flight - kicks in when we process information that indicates we're under threat or facing a challenge. The physical symptoms of arousal can include: 1) Muslce Tension 2) Increased heart rate and blood pressure 3) Shallow breathing (into the chest rather than the belly) 4) Nausea 5) A sense of mental busyness 6) Narrow attentional focus 7) Emotional reactivity (you lose your mind with everyone) Evolutionary theory offers a neat way of explaining anything that humans experience in terms of survival. The stress response can be viewed as a means of keeping us alive by preparing us to meet a challenge. All of the physical responses associated with stress serve a purpose. For example, we tense up in preparation for explosive movements -- very useful if we're about to escape from a bear that we've encountered on a forest path. Not always so useful if we're hunched over a desk running some unit tests.

Perception Of Threat An interesting thing about the stress response it that it doesn't require the existence of a real, physcical threat. Simply remembering a stressful situation can trigger the physical and mental responses. The threat response can be activated whenever a challenge or threat is perceived. This is why an email or conversation with your boss can be stressful, even though you are not in immediate physical danger.

Good and Bad Stress A little bit of everything is good, in moderation. Stress is actually a pretty useful response in a challenging or threatening situation. One of the many reasons that we've thrived as a species is our ability to evade threats and rise to challenges. We need a little bit of stress response in order to get things done. Call this good stress. The difference between good stress and bad stress is the change to return to equilibrium (a state of rest or balance due to the equal action of opposing forces) Low-level stress provides fuel for getting things done. Many of us learn to embrace and even enjoy it. The problem comes when our stress response is activated excessively or continuously, without the chance to return to equilibrium. Every programmer has been on a death march at some point. Think about how you feel after a few weeks in crunch mode. You're probably tired, maybe getting sick, your concentraing is waning and you just generally don't feel good. Your focus deteriorates, which is no good for your productivity. It turns out that continuously flooding your system with stress hormones, diminishing your digestive system and immun response and being consumed by excessive thinking is not only uncomfortable but also prety bad for you in the long term.

Programmers and stress Sometimes, there are inherent sources of stress caused by the nature of the career itself. As programmers we need to consider a number of factors when examining our relationship to stress.

We Live In Our Heads Most of us turned to a career in programming because we like thinking about things and solving problems. We live in our heads a lot of the time and are happy that way. This means that we can become a bit disconnected from our bodies. Because we're not always paying attention, it's easy to ignore some of the physical symptoms of stress. If we don't notice the problem, we can't go about solving it. Part of healthy stress management is noticing when we're experiencing excessive stress, so we can take appropriate action.

Cultural Expectations Extrinsic sources of stress are found in the working culture we operate in. Stress and busyness can be seen as a badge of honour, a sign of a productive employee, or just part of the job. Because we're all amazing super-human coding machine (we're not) there's often an expectation that we'll keep delivering to a super high standard sprint after sprint, project after project with no time to rest or repair. Intrinsic sources of sterss come from within ourselves. Programming culture values intellect, which causes is to compare ourselves to others, which leads to imposter syndrome or feeling guilty, both sources of stress in their own right.

Diet and exercise are both definitely part of the equation when it comes to programming and sterss. Consider getting more active or take it easy on the caffeine and sugary snacks for a while.

Stress management strategies. So what's a busy programmer to do? Stress exists, it's going to get excessive sometimes and in the long term it's not good for you if you don't work on your relationship to it. Thankfully, stress has been thoroughly researched. There are a number of strategies that you can consider when trying to manage stress in your life. They fall into three categories: 1) Address the source 2) Undo the damage 3) Reduce your baseline

Address the source Often there are internal sources we can work on too. What are your beliefs about being busy? Do you see it as important? Is it part of your self-worth? Do you push yourself extra hard, even though it probably wouldn't matter if you worked ten percent less? Do you see rest as a sign of weakness?

What If I Don't Like Coding? Coding was stressing me out. Every time I tried to run some code, and it didn't work, or I chagned one thing and everything broke, I dealt with waves of anxiety. The blood rushed to my head, my ears bgan to pound and my stomach twisted in to a tight little knot. The angst and it's accompanying physical discomfort -- they were a regular occurence. This was how I felt every time I got stmped when I was first learning to code. And that physical distress I went through made me wonder if I could ever be any good at coding.

Time and time again I was ready to quit. Chalk up the last few months to a filed experiment and ifnally admit my worst fears were true: nobody would ever pay me to code for them. Add to this stress the fact that the time I had to spend coding was limited: I had a full-time job and a full-time life. I'd get one maybe two hours to dedicate to improve my technical skills per day. So when stupid simple problems ate up half an hour, then half an horu more, it was easy for me to feel liek I'd never get anything done.

I changed the way I think about code in 3 simple ways.

Thought Modification #1: Consider Time To Be Abundant Instead Of Scarce If you've already started coding you know that sometimes the littles things can seem to suck away all your time. And when it feels like the hourglass is running out, it's hard to focus on the work at hand. Instead of seeing time as a scarce resource-one that I had little control over - I began to consider its sbundance. When I thoughts about time as something that I had control over, something I could manipulate instead of be manipulated by, I got more done. That meant that instead of feeling like I "wasted" and hour tweaking one thing, I felt satisfied that in only an hour I had solved a problem that was giving me trouble.

Thought Modification #2: Focus On Finding Motivations Instead Of Eliminating Obstacles Instead of fixating on trying to eliminate unhelpful feelings and emotions. Instead I focused on how much I enjoyed learning. Enjoyment is a huge motivator. It isn't quite a goal -- it can't be measure. But it is something that most of us strive to achieve every day: to enjoy life, and everything in it, including learning to code! Motivating myself in a positive rather than negative way worked wonders. Instead of thinking about all theways I could stop struggling, I was thinking about all the ways I could enjoy my daily successes. Thought #3: Gain Control Over Situations By Planning Ahead

0 notes

bigyack-com · 4 years

Text

DealBook: Watching for Christine Lagarde’s Stance as Head of E.C.B.

(Want this by email? Sign up here.)

Looking for clues on Lagarde’s thinking as E.C.B. chief

As the I.M.F.’s managing director, Christine Lagarde was one of the most recognizable and powerful women on the planet. But as she takes on her new role as president of the E.C.B., few know her worldview or how she might operate as a central banker. That could begin to change today. Analysts and investors will be listening closely for clues about her stance on various issues when she gives her first news conference in the role. One of the main questions will be whether the central bank’s fire hose of economic stimulus is doing more harm than good, Jack Ewing of the NYT writes. Ms. Lagarde has signaled that she will question the assumptions underlying central bank policy since the euro began to circulate two decades ago. And she is overseeing a comprehensive review of central bank strategy that could redefine its role. “She’ll be very pragmatic, in my opinion, as was her predecessor and as I was myself,” Jean-Claude Trichet, who led the E.C.B. from 2003 to 2011, told Bloomberg. Any hint that she is willing to extend her predecessor Mario Draghi’s approach by cutting rates further or increasing asset purchases could fuel a bond rally, Bloomberg says.

U.K. vote signals return to big government spending

As voters in Britain go to the polls today, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has made “get Brexit done” his mantra, while his main rival, Jeremy Corbyn of the Labour Party, has made health care his top priority. Big government spending is making a return in the main parties’ agenda, the WSJ writes. Mr. Johnson has vowed to spend 100 billion pounds ($132 billion) on infrastructure and billions more on policing and health care, while Mr. Corbyn has promised to put hundreds of billions into recasting Britain as modern state-run economy. Public spending is back in favor around the world, even among some parties that traditionally favor balanced budgets and mistrust big government: • President Trump cut taxes and increased military spending, moves that have pushed the U.S. budget deficit to $1 trillion. • Prime Minister Shinzo Abe of Japan approved a $120 billion stimulus program to revive growth and help regions hit by a typhoon in October. • Spain and France are relaxing budget goals to pay for tax cuts and more social benefits, and the typically frugal Netherlands, Finland and Germany are increasing spending on welfare, the military and infrastructure. More: Whoever wins the British election is on track to be the country’s most consequential leader since Margaret Thatcher, a Politico analysis says.

Confident in the economy, Fed keeps rates steady

The Fed’s final meeting of the year brought an end to rate cuts for 2019, and officials penciled in no rate changes next year, writes the NYT’s Jeanna Smialek. The Fed’s rate policy will remain in place until inflation rises persistently, Jay Powell, the Fed chair, said after the meeting yesterday — a wait-and-see approach that indicates the Fed’s level of comfort with the U.S. economy. The Fed cut rates three times this year “to guard the economy against the fallout of President Trump’s prolonged trade war and slowing growth abroad,” Ms. Smialek writes. But officials have shown signs of increasing confidence. “Our economic outlook remains a favorable one,” Mr. Powell said. More: The Fed wants to avoid the prospect of the U.S. entering a low-rate, low-inflation, low-growth trap.

How to make capitalism work again

American capitalism is at an inflection point, with enormous levels of inequality, declining economic mobility, less-competitive markets and an unsustainable fiscal trajectory, Henry Paulson and Erskine Bowles write in a NYT Opinion article. But they say the solution is not to blow up the system or to maintain the status quo. Proposals addressing universal basic income, “Medicare for all” and direct taxes on wealth “are fundamentally misguided and would result in economically harmful outcomes that could put our economy on an unstable and precarious path,” they write. Other policy solutions could allow more people to share in America’s success, they say. The writers’ proposals: • Investing in human capital, including education and productivity. • Looking at more efficient ways to encourage work by supplementing wages. • Correcting the country’s fiscal trajectory by raising more revenue, slowing the growth rate of health care spending and making Social Security sustainable. • Overhauling the tax code to make it more progressive and take in more revenue. Related: New York, London and Hong Kong are international financial centers, but they matter less in a world that is deglobalizing, Greg Ip of the WSJ writes.

Will North America’s trade deal increase auto jobs?

The Trump administration has claimed that the North American trade pact, which is almost certain to become law, will add 76,000 jobs in the auto sector, but experts are not so sure, writes the NYT’s Niraj Chokshi. “It’s not at all clear that there is going to be a positive effect on jobs in the auto industry,” an economics professor told Mr. Chokshi. Provisions in the deal aimed at lifting employment could drive up the cost of making cars, which could reduce demand and jobs. Unions have also expressed doubt. The deal does little to address the outsourcing of jobs, the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers said Tuesday, a sentiment echoed by the United Automobile Workers union. There is little evidence that the trade pact will provide the job increase that President Trump has promised, but many industry officials expressed relief that an agreement had been reached, because continuity and certainty are vital to the auto industry. More: Concerned about the trade war, the Business Roundtable lowered its forecast for economic growth next year for a seventh straight time. (CNBC)

Weinstein Company poised to pay accusers $25 million

Harvey Weinstein and the board of his bankrupt film studio have reached a tentative $25 million settlement with dozens of his alleged sexual misconduct victims, the NYT’s Megan Twohey and Jodi Kantor report. The deal would not require the once-towering Hollywood producer to admit wrongdoing or pay his accusers himself, according to lawyers involved in the talks. Some key points: • More than 30 alleged victims would share in the payout. • Potential claimants who join in the coming months could also receive a share. • The payout would be part of an overall $47 million settlement that is intended to close out the company’s obligations. • More than $12 million of the settlement would pay legal costs for Mr. Weinstein, his brother Bob and four members of the company’s board. The agreement would end nearly all of the lawsuits filed against Mr. Weinstein, although it requires a court’s approval and final signoff by all parties. And he still faces prosecution on criminal charges in New York.

Revolving door

Praveen Akkiraju, a managing partner at SoftBank Vision Fund, is departing to explore working with early-stage start-ups. (Bloomberg) Harold Hamm will step down as chief executive of Continental Resources and take a board role. James Littlefair resigned from the Treasury Department after his mother pleaded guilty to illegally helping him graduate from Georgetown University, a case that was part of the nationwide college admissions scandal.

The speed read

Deals • Nestlé has agreed to sell its U.S. ice cream business to Froneri in a deal valued at $4 billion. (Reuters) • Britain’s competition regulator said it had “serious concerns” about Amazon’s purchase of a stake in the online food delivery group Deliveroo. (Reuters) • Shares in XP, the Brazilian financial services group, jumped on their debut in New York after completing one of the year’s largest public offerings. (FT) • WeWork’s rival in China, Ucommune, filed for an initial public offering on the New York Stock Exchange. (Axios) • Problems in the I.P.O. market could hurt the S&P 500. (CNBC) • Companies are on track to raise more money through initial public offerings on Nasdaq this year than on the New York Stock Exchange. (WSJ) • The Hudson’s Bay chairman, Richard Baker, won the support of the proxy advisory firm Glass Lewis for a takeover of the Canadian retailer. (Reuters) Politics and policy • The Justice Department’s inspector general painted a bleak portrait of how the F.B.I. used its surveillance powers in the Russia investigation, but told lawmakers that he had no evidence that any mistakes were made out of political bias. The findings about surveillance are important beyond partisan politics. (NYT) • The E.U.’s climate plan would pay nations that rely heavily on fossil fuels to change their ways. (NYT) • Should Joe Biden pledge to serve just one term as president? His top advisers and prominent Democrats have revived a long-running debate. (Politico) • Infrastructure, housing and climate change are among the top issues that mayors want the Democratic 2020 presidential candidates to address if elected. (Axios) • How President Trump and the Democrats parted ways on lowering drug prices. (Politico) Trump impeachment inquiry • The House Judiciary Committee opened debate yesterday on two articles of impeachment against President Trump: abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. (NYT) • What to expect from the debate, a process that lets committee members propose changes to the articles of impeachment. (NYT) • Democrats are offering the weakest case for impeachment since Andrew Johnson, the WSJ argues. (WSJ Opinion) • The all-hands-on-deck atmosphere in the White House is a change from just weeks ago, when Mr. Trump’s aides dismissed the idea of a war room. (NYT) Tech • A new policy at YouTube to police material is a response to criticism that the video service hasn’t done enough to curb bad behavior. (NYT) • Blue Origin, Jeff Bezos’s space venture, will today try this year’s third launch and landing of its New Shepard rocket. (CNBC) • Facebook’s ranking on Glassdoor’s list of best places to work slid for a second year in a row, tumbling 16 spots to 23rd. (CNBC) • Siri and Alexa are listening to people’s most intimate moments. (Bloomberg) • George Laurer, the inventor of the bar code, has died at age 94. (NYT) Best of the rest • Investors are gritting their teeth for a “low-return decade.” (FT) • Rising bond defaults in China raise questions about whether Beijing can effectively address its huge debt problem. (NYT) • Aramco reached Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s $2 trillion goal after a surge on Day 2 of trading. (Bloomberg) • JPMorgan Chase is taking a bigger swing at wealth management in an effort to better compete with big-bank rivals. (WSJ) • A Maryland real estate company surprised its employees with $10 million in holiday bonuses, with the average bonus being $50,000. (WaPo) • The “Succession” star Nicholas Braun is set to play the WeWork founder Adam Neumann in a limited-run TV series about the company. (Hollywood Reporter) • Bankrupt American brands like Toys ‘R’ Us and Tower Records are thriving in Japan. (CityLab) Thanks for reading! We’ll see you tomorrow. We’d love your feedback. Please email thoughts and suggestions to [email protected]. Read the full article

0 notes

chronicallypainful · 7 years

Text

Review of the Walk Aid Scooter

A bit over six months ago I got a new mobility aid. I think it's time for a review. (As always, this is not in any way a sponsored post. I purchased my scooter myself at market price.)

Basics: What is it? Two-wheeled scooter with a bicycle seat and handlebars with brakes. I will refer you to the company's website for pictures.

How do you use it? You sit on the bike seat, and most of your weight is supported there. You then use one or both feet to propel yourself forward at a walking pace or slightly faster. You steer with the handlebars, and there are also brakes on the handlebars operated by squeezing with your hands. (I find the brakes are only necessary for outdoor use, where you are moving a bit faster and/or going downhill.)

What maintenance is necessary? Substantial assembly is required out-of-the-box. You will need a toolkit and some basic mechanical skills, as well as the ability to read and follow written directions. Many people will want to seek assistance.

After initial assembly, maintenance is fairly easy. The tires need to be aired up regularly, using a standard bicycle pump. Less frequently, you will want to tighten various mechanical connections. Obviously, some basic cleaning is required on a regular basis as well.

My opinions: Do I like it as a mobility aid? Yes, for some tasks/situations. It is amazing for those situations where I need to be "standing" for a long period of time. Think museums, fairs, conferences, shopping malls, big-box stores. In these settings, I can rest most of my weight on the seat while still using my legs physically move around as needed (which is good, since my arms are definitely not up to the task of propelling my body). I also enjoy using the scooter for leisurely walks outdoors.

For my body, it is beneficial to have variety of movement, so, if anticipate needing to walk for less than about 20 minutes, I tend to walk with a pair of walking poles instead of using the scooter. That said, most of those situations could be handled on the scooter, as well.

The scooter isn't good for situations where I need to maneuver in tight spaces, or anywhere I think I might encounter a flight of stairs. I also tend to limit my use to at most two hours at a time. Any more than that and my butt gets uncomfortable on the seat.

What are the benefits for me? It takes the weight off of my feet. When I'm on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time, the soles of my feet get really sore. It starts to feel like I have really tender bruises on the bottom of my feet, and it hurts each time I put pressure on them. The scooter allows me to transfer most of my weight to my butt, which effectively takes the pressure off of my feet. For situations like going to a museum or shopping mall, the scooter is so much more comfortable than walking!

Less concretely, I feel like the scooter gives me a freedom of movement that I lost when I became disabled. On my scooter, I can move quickly or slowly, turn exactly where I want to, enjoy the feeling of being in motion. It is a good feeling.

Accessories? The included accessories are minimal. Basically, it has a kickstand. And the balance is so precarious that you have to be very careful to get the kickstand to work. (This isn't a problem when you're riding the scooter, only when getting off and wanting the scooter to stay standing.)

I have added several accessories that I think make the scooter way more comfortable and functional. I put a gel cover on the seat. (It is a standard bicycle seat, so you can even change out the whole seat if you want to.) I put a bicycle basket on the front handlebars. The unmodified scooter has zero cargo capacity, so I consider a basket a necessary addition. I still would like a little more cargo capacity, so I am brainstorming on how I might add a second basket. We'll see.

How adjustable is it? Very! The handlebars have height and angle adjustment. The seat has height adjustment, but also tilt adjustment and linear adjustment (forward and backward). There is some adjustability in brake lever position (more if you are willing to make a trip to the hardware store!) and quite a bit of adjustability in brake tension.

If you're willing to spend a little money, you can customize even more. The seat and handlebars are standard bike sizes, so you can replace both of them. The handgrips on the handlebars are also standard bike sizes and could be easily replaced.

What kind of terrain can it handle? Sidewalks and hard floors are ideal. Most carpet is no problem. Most dirt trails are okay, as long as they are relatively level and the dirt is relatively packed down. You will feel bumps like tree roots, but the scooter can navigate over bumps a couple inches high. Basically, the only things that don't work at all are thick vegetation or mud.

How portable is it? The handlebars fold down and the seat lowers for ease of transport. I have no difficulties lifting it into the back of my subcompact hatchback. I do have to fold down one of the back seats in order to make it fit. So, it probably won't fit in the trunk of your subcompact car. But, if your vehicle is a little larger, it should fit in the trunk no problem. If you have a van or an SUV, then you really have nothing to worry about.

How is the quality? The frame is aluminum, with solid mechanical connections. I have no concerns about the core construction of scooter, and I think that, barring a major crash, it will last a lifetime.

However, some of the more interchangeable components are less solid. For example, I can tell that the inner tubes chosen for the wheels are not particularly high quality. I have to air them about once a week. The brakes are also just okay. Don't get me wrong, they work just fine for the speed range that the scooter is intended for. But I was annoyed that I could not adjust the brake levers in far enough towards the handlebars for my small hands. I ended up replacing a couple of screws in the brake assembly to make the adjustment I wanted possible.

Is the price fair? In my opinion, yes. The scooter is assembled from bike and scooter parts, and it is priced as a high-quality (not necessarily mobility related) scooter. I think that price is consistent with other products made from those parts. There doesn't appear to be much of a "medical markup." These are also manufactured in small quantities, which makes the price point, frankly, impressive.

Any downsides I should be aware of? Yes. Unfortunately, I have had issues with public access. Because the scooter is a different kind of mobility aid, it often doesn't get read as a mobility aid by the people around me. I have been yelled that by security at the public transit station. I have been harassed by security at Target. (I have also been asked all sorts of questions by random strangers.) I have been able to successfully navigate these encounters, but it is stressful, and, sadly, I do think that I use this mobility aid less than I might otherwise because of these issues.

My strategy, in case it's helpful, is to simply repeat two sentences: "I have a disability. This is a mobility aid." I'm not rude about it, but I am extremely persistent. It seems to work.

My suggestions: For whom might this be a good mobility aid? Someone who: has difficulty (including pain) walking, wants more support than can be had from a walking cane, has at least moderate strength in at least one leg, has adequate strength/mobility to transfer from the scooter to a chair, (Sitting on the scooter all day would be uncomfortable.) does not have impaired balance, has at least moderate grip strength in at least one hand (you could use only the rear brake for most applications. Though, if you need to traverse large hills, then you really need to be able to use both brakes.) has good hand-eye coordination, does not need to carry a lot of stuff, does not regularly need to and navigate very tight spaces or stairs.

What sort of tasks is it well-suited for? Visiting museums, festivals, fairs, or other events where slow walking or standing is required. Shopping in malls or large stores (with a basket and/or a companion to push a cart). Navigating campus environments, including college campuses and large corporate locations. Navigating downtown areas with sidewalks. Taking on subways and light rail systems, where stations are accessible (but be prepared for harassment from staff).

Wait, what’s the website again?

http://www.walkaidscooter.com/

#Mobility aids #disability #spoonie #product review

26 notes · View notes

evangelineartemiasamos · 7 years

Text

Red Queen Fan Fiction Blood Curse part 1

Find this on wattpad

chapter 1

chapter 2

chapter 3

chapter 4

chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9

chapter 10

chapter 11

chapter 12

chapter 13

chapter 14

chapter 15

chapter 16

chapter 17

chapter 18

chapter 19

chapter 20

chapter 21

chapter 22

chapter 23

chapter 24

chapter 25

chapter 26

chapter 27

chapter 28

chapter 29

Final chapter

Mare POV

I look to the sky. I spit on Corvium’s soil as I stand up, flip back my braid and meet Davidson’s eyes. Not for him to see the Lightning Girl downtrodden because of a boy – a boy who wants to be a king more than anything.

“Sounds excellent”, I say and the slightest smile shows on Davidson’s face. “What do you intend?” I continue, urged on by his smugness. I want to share Davidson’s commitment, yet at the same time I wonder how I can be so detached. This is Cal we’re talking about. Tiberias, who’ll be betrayed again, by me, and by the friends he’s made in the last months. I take Farley’s hand and she squeezes back.

It hurts.

I shove the thought away. Cal has made a promise to me and he broke it. The Guard means nothing to Tiberias, he’s been clear about that.

The premier shrugs. “You have seen how stretched the alliance already is. You don’t believe what King Volo has claimed either, I assume?”

Farley sets her hand on her hip at the mention of the magnetron king, but she remains silent. Yet her frown intensifies as Davidson explains.

“Each of them wants their own realms, and all of them want the lands the others have. They will start most of the quarrels I intend by themselves, but with the right prodding – “ his words hang in the air as he focuses on me. I swallow but I don’t move while it is Farley who breaks her composure.

“You speak as if the Silvers would ever keep their fights among themselves, but let’s not pretend they will quietly assassinate each other while the Reds can lean back. The Silvers will just – “

“They will let Reds fight against Reds, as always,” I utter. “Maven said as much. The wars are supposed to keep us down and – smaller in numbers.” Farley glances at me in acknowledgement, her jaw tight. She isn’t a person who stays quiet about her opinions and I understand her concerns.

Davidson nods. “Of course, I’m aware of this General, Operative Barrow. I promise you that I – and my agents – will orchestrate the ruse with utmost regards to protect civilians and those in favour of our goals, should they cooperate. I don’t intend to wage another 100-years-war.”

I notice the underlying message in his promise, aimed at me.

Tiberias will die along with them

Cal has only to change sides once more, and I might spare him.

I could read it either way and he knows it. I smile at him – wolfishly, I hope – without conveying which outcome I’d prefer. Do I even know myself?

“We’ll see the Red Dawn”, I proclaim instead. Farley startles at my evasion, and I squeeze her hand.

“I doubt this is the right place to discuss our strategy,” she says and looks around us as if to demonstrate.

“I’d assume the same, General,” Davidson agrees and the two of them begin to chat about the next meeting coming up, including a party. I stop listening, remembering those will likely include Tiberias. I look at the administrative tower of Corvium. He’s there, right now surrounded by those Silvers pushing him onto a throne stained with blood. He’s making a mistake, I think, and chide myself at the same time because I still make excuses for him. But I can’t erase the last weeks with him from my mind.

Davidson’s soldiers and the most of the Scarlet Guard won’t be surprised to hear of Tiberias’s defection, and they wouldn’t hesitate to finish him off if the chance presented itself. And the Silvers up there would eat the man I love alive, unless he’s been one of them all along.

I sit listlessly in the room assigned to me, having forced myself to nibble at a simple dinner. I suppose there is an actual feast assembled for the victorious Silvers and their unlikely allies, to celebrate the renewed betrothal of Tiberias VII and Evangeline of the Rift. Ella has come to me before she went there herself, but I wouldn’t participate even if they were able to toast to Maven’s decapitated body.

That doesn’t stop me from pitying myself. Once again.

I regain myself when Farley comes to visit, late in the night. She’s shed her dress uniform or whatever she’s worn and she takes the place next to me on the bed.

“I thought you would be sleeping by now,” says she, brushing my shoulder.

“You didn’t, or you wouldn’t have come,” I reply, sharper than she deserves.

She sighs. “I can’t blame you, this room has to be much more pleasurable and enjoyable than what I’ve seen down below.”

Another lie that I sense. The rebel in Farley hungers for an opportunity to parade among the Silvers like an equal and the spy in her must have feasted on the intelligence to be found there. But I say neither, because I remember the first meeting all too well, when we came face to face with the haughty Samos “royals”. The brutal king of steel, his queen of beasts and their heir Ptolemus, the man who killed Shade. Farley and I pulled together for the purpose, but Evangeline seemed determined to ignite a powder keg. I focus on her instead of Tiberias. Is she glad to finally receive what the desired, the crown of Norta? I thought she was relieved to be rid of Maven, and in love with someone else, but Evangeline Samos has never been a person I expected to grasp.

Eventually, I break the silence. “I guess we’ll have to stay for while?”

Farley leans back until she lies on the bed. “Depends on the agreements of the ‘alliance’. The garrison of the Guard controlled Corvium well enough, but Samos will demand to take over and to have his piece of the cake, if not all of it. Some of us will have to keep an eye on him, and on the rest of the Silvers.”

“Obviously.”

“And on Calore,” she adds seconds later. “And to act on the plans which Monfort is devising.” She frowns as she stops, probably figuring out Davidson’s intentions on her own.

I’ve taken a deep breath at the mention of him, as I’m not ready to hear from him, not yet. The next day will come soon enough, and so will our eventual reunion. I stifle a yawn as tiredness overcomes me.

“I miss Clara,” Farley says out of a sudden. Somehow, I know she neither says that because she regrets coming to battle instead of staying behind, nor because she can’t bear to be separated from her baby for more than 24 hours.

“I’m not surprised,” I reply playfully, “you’ve had her with you almost every time I’ve seen you.”

Her blue eyes fix on me.

“And she’s so cute and calm,” I continue and chuckle. Farley sighs, realizing she can’t make me talk about the person I’m missing. Instead she falls in line with my prattling.

“Cute she may be, but don’t assume a baby isn’t hard work. She behaves quite differently in private, just like her fa – “

“Excuse me, what?” I pry.

“Nothing,” she says. She is actually blushing and I roll my eyes.

“Of course, Farley. Like I didn’t know my brother”

“I guess there’re some things you don’t want to know,” she muses.

Try me, I want to say, but I let the challenge pass. It would tip the delicate balance we created and raise sad memories instead. “But you do get along with Mom. When you aren’t arguing.”

“As you do with her, too, Mare. All the time.”

“We get along better, really! And you know …” I pause, watching Farley’s growing interest. “When she’s a little older, Clara will quarrel with you about everything.”

She grabs a pillow and seems to be considering throwing it at me for a moment. Then she giggles and rises from the bed. “Given who else Clara is related to,” she says, “I shouldn’t be surprised.” She gets serious after a moment. “Will you be able to sleep, Mare?” She rests her hand on my shoulder.

“Yes,” I utter. “I’m okay. And I’m tired.” I yawn again. “Good night, Farley. And thank you.” She nods and leaves my room.

The darkness still bothers me when I finally lie down and close my eyes. I’m not ashamed to give in to tears until I fall asleep. But before sleep claims me, I remember that Cal resides in this building as well, so close. And so far away.

@maudthebookeater @queenmareena @dewydrael @lilyharvord @clarafarleybarrow @iwishmydearlaurens @redqueenfandom

#blood curse #red queen fan fiction #red queen fanfiction #red queen 4 fanfiction #king's cage fanfiction #king's cage #red queen 4 prediction #mare barrow #diana farley #my fan fiction #mare x cal

60 notes · View notes

casualarsonist · 7 years

Text

Verdun review

Verdun is a multiplayer-only FPS set amongst some of the major areas of offensive in France and Belgium during WW1. It aims to recreate the clunky brutality of the era with far more attention to detail and realism than something like Battlefield 1, for instance, and where it sacrifices a certain degree of playability, it adds a niche appeal that rewards thinking outside the box.

Developed and published by Dutch indie studios M2H and Blackmill Studios, Verdun exhibits a measure of rawness that is at times intentional and at times not. It’s not a perfect game technically or by design, and while a good deal of its faults can be rightly justified by claiming ‘that’s the First World War’, the argument is whether this translates into a worthwhile experience for the consumer.

First thing’s first - Verdun is not your typical run-and-gun game. If you get your history lessons from BF1, you won't realise that most weapons in WW1 were bolt-action rifles or revolver pistols. Automatic weapons did exist, but they were heavy, ungainly, slow to reload, and didn’t have endless supplies of ammunition. Consequently, one of the first things you might notice about Verdun is that it exploits these antiquities and inconveniences as a central facet of gameplay. Everything takes time - reloading your weapon can take anywhere between five and ten seconds depending on what you’re using which puts you at a serious combat disadvantage when the enemy has a full clip ready and loaded – this means that the automatic weapons are balanced due to their longer loading times, and also that moments spent reloading in the face of an enemy advance are terrifying. And this fits perfectly in with the theme of WW1 warfare, because the name of the game for Verdun and other battles like it is attrition. You can kill as many enemies as you have bullets in a clip, but eventually you’re gonna run out of bullets, and if they haven’t run out of men then you’re kinda fucked. This may sound frustrating, and I’m not going to lie, there are times when it certainly is, but aside from the fact that it educates you as to just how absurd and futile the strategies of WW1 warfare were, an interesting side effect of all this awkwardness-by-design is that it sets a remarkably even playing field for newcomers and veterans alike. Regardless of how talented a player may be, crossing no man’s land is still going to make you a sitting duck. There’s no one tried-and-true method for getting to the other side unscathed as the placement of the enemy and their situational awareness will ultimately determine whether or not you’re spotted and shot, and even if you make it to the opposing trench, eventually you’re going to need to reload, and when that moment comes, expert or not, you’re prey.

Because it's a one-hit kill situation with most weapons here, which has both its pros and cons; yes, it makes it easier to nail an enemy from a distance, but if at any point you allow someone to get a bead on you, you won't be celebrating Christmas this year, and 7 times out of 10 you'll never know where you were even shot from. And since most Verdun maps involve trench warfare with stretches of no-man's land in between, you will be getting killed a lot. You can't outrun a bullet, and trying to creep makes you an easy target. Advancing requires either luck, incompetence on the part of your enemies, or accurate cover fire in support. It's thrilling stuff, and dropping into one end of a trench when the enemy doesn't know you're there makes you feel like a fox amongst the hens. The game also effectively encourages teamwork between players - you’re assigned to a squad when you begin, and remaining near your designated NCO and following their orders is rewarded with improvements to personal and squad stats, and drastic increases in player experience points. You can also feel the tangible difference between acting as a lone gun and acting in synergy with your squadmates, and often times it can make the difference between life and death.

There are 4 types of gameplay, two of which are your standard DM and Team DM. The other two are the signature Frontlines mode, which pits two opposing sides in opposing trenches across a multi-stage map with the goal of taking your opponent’s zones and pushing them back in stages until they’re defeated, and Squad Defence, which is the closest the game gets to a bot match and pitches a squad of 1-4 soldiers against waves of incoming enemies, the objective being to hold out as long as possible. Of the two unique game types, Frontlines is where you will take the most punishment – get used to waiting to respawn because you’re going to die a lot. Squad Defence is fun, but can realistically go on forever – I had to bail out of an hour-long match to go to work today and didn’t get any of the associated rewards for my work because there’s no way to end the game prematurely.

Verdun’s sound design is worth a massive commendation. Fighting in the trenches at night and hearing the report of pistol and rifle fire nearby is utterly terrifying. You can follow the action by following the sounds, and after a battle the area will be filled with the screams of men shot and dying, blood trailing from their bodies as they writhe at the bottom of a shell hole. Rifles are *loud*. The sound of a shot will give away your position as much as anything else, and this knowledge just sits in the back of your mind every time you feel like a boss, sniping on the enemy from afar, knowing that every shot you take brings closer to the centre of someone else’s crosshairs

The game also looks quite good, although a tad dated, and certain tactics like watching for muzzle flashes and skylighting your enemies are very effective. At one point I managed to effectively camouflage myself in the foliage to the point that I killed two soldiers staring right at me before one of them could even get a shot off. The movement, however, is pretty bad. Clunky and fiddly controls aren't aided by very rough terrain. You can get stuck on barbed wire without knowing it was there and not know which way to move to get out, resulting in a cheap death. The game instructs you to move slowly away, but I found that to be misleading – leaping out of it is both absurd and the only way I found to reliably help myself. You can get stuck on terrain and get shot. You can get stuck behind friendlies in trenches and not be able to get past. If the game played smoother I suppose it wouldn't clash with the intentional sluggishness of the weapons, but god it'd be less frustrating.

And so this is the part where I talk about the bigger flaws with the game itself. Firstly, short of reading the manual, there's no way to teach yourself how to play - selecting a game type throws you straight into the deep end. The closest you can get to this is the co-op vs AI wave-defence game types. The half dozen or so in-game menus are all clogged with info that the game doesn't tell you the relevance of. There's no option for training or bot-matches just on your own, so when the game hurls you into the middle of a match for the first time, you're gonna get your butt handed to you time and time again. Oh, and about that, in my first play-through I was spawn-killed no less than 6 times, because sometimes it'll pop you in or behind your line, and sometimes it'll pop you right at the forefront of the attack and the enemy will kill you before you can even get your hands on the controls. You never know where you're gonna show up, and you don't have a choice. This is straight-up inexcusable. I ended my first playthrough with a crash to desktop. I started my second playthrough with a crash to desktop. This is apparently not uncommon for the game, and just highlights a certain lack of technical polish that shouldn't exist. It also undid all the progress I’d made and left my teammates in the lurch. The weapon loadouts are lacking as well. Again, this is all part-and-parcel of the realism aspect, but if you're playing as the rifleman, for instance, you get one weapon only - a rifle. You can spend points on getting one or two different versions of said rifle, but the rifle is all you have. Which means that if there's only one spot left on a team, you're stuck with one weapon and one weapon only, and you don't get a say in things (who the hell designed a rifle that only takes three rounds?!).

Verdun isn’t perfect. There is still a good degree of polish that it could use, and 2 years after release, it’s unlikely that it’s going to get it as they’re currently in the process of making a standalone expansion. But fortunately, most of my experience has been positive. The community is, generally, friendly and helpful, and the pacing and balancing of the game are uniquely satisfying. Playing against humans is a punishing experience, and results in a lot of wasted time waiting to respawn, but once you come to grips with the mechanics and start getting kills there's a certain bitter joy that comes with laying down some of the punishment you've been going through yourself. It feels authentic to a degree (I mean, they can't make a game about sitting in a bunker and getting shelled for three straight days), but there are also points where it feels clunky beyond the realism. At its core it's not a perfect multiplayer game and the distinctive setting only sets it apart by degrees, but it does a great job at presenting the unrelenting and unavoidable brutality of the conflict. Nowhere is there a more visceral and immersive portrayal of WW1. At any one time there are only a few hundred people playing, and while I haven’t had issues filling my games, I do worry about the lifespan, so I’d recommend it for a slight discount. 7/10

Good

#verdun #video game #pc #first world war #ww1 #wwi #multiplayer #trench #warfare

0 notes

empaths-hsp · 4 years

Text

How I Learned to Cope With Postpartum Anxiety and Depression as an HSP

Sweaty, shaking, and crying, I pressed my face against a kitchen cabinet as I crouched on the floor, hungry and tired. Moments earlier, my toddler stomped his feet and screamed, “I wanted the purple jelly not the red jelly!” I honed in on a drop of red jelly seeping out of the sandwich and dripping onto the floor like a scene in a horror movie. We weren’t in a horror movie, but I felt like I was in my own version of one with my sudden panic attack, my cries matching my son’s. I could feel my temperature rising as I tried to convince him to just sit down and eat when my other son, my newborn, started fussing in the other room and I just lost it. Most parents would be annoyed in this situation, but I don’t know how many who’d have a panic attack over it. As I pressed my face against the cabinet, I thought, “Something is seriously off. Is this what postpartum anxiety and depression feel like? I don’t know what’s going on here!”

When you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), it may be difficult to tell the difference between characteristics of postpartum anxiety — such as being extremely sensitive to stimuli — and characteristics of a good old-fashioned panic attack — like suddenly being fearful of your environment. But as the weeks, then months, wore on, I realized it’s possible that both were at play: I’m an HSP with postpartum anxiety and depression, and the former condition seems to magnify the latter — and vice-versa.

The Challenge of Being a “Sensitive” Mom with Postpartum Anxiety or Depression

Here’s the real kicker though: I’m a licensed professional counselor. I thought I would be able to recognize the symptoms of postpartum anxiety and depression, but this wasn’t what I expected. I think it was because I didn’t have any of the “typical” risk factors, like a difficult pregnancy or delivery. My newborn was eating and sleeping fairly well for his age, so I couldn’t blame my being severely sleep-deprived for my increasing anxiety, anger, and bouts of depression either. Also, when things were calm, I felt totally fine — joyful, even.

But when things got chaotic — with a toddler and newborn, this wasn’t an infrequent occurrence — I’d totally lose it. I knew I was an HSP, but I hadn’t yet made the connection between the chronic overstimulation of early parenting and the tidal waves of emotional flooding that were slamming into me on a daily basis. However, from a counselor perspective, I knew about postpartum anxiety and depression and started to suspect I was suffering from them, too.

How I Recognized My Signs of Postpartum Anxiety and Depression

1. I panicked in response to everyday stressors.

Because I was living in a constant state of overstimulation, even a small spike in stress — the baby crying, trying to get my kids dressed for the doctor, preparing meals — sent me into a danger zone. I’d panic, thinking, “If I don’t get out of here right now, I’m going to totally lose it!” Often, my physical response was way out of proportion to my thoughts. I could cognitively recognize that what was happening wasn’t all too stressful, but my body was responding like it was in actual danger due to the stress hormones flooding my brain — but in this case, the “danger” was my toddler or baby. It was the typical fight-or-flight response and panicking became my survival mechanism.

2. I had extreme emotional reactions, like rage and irritability.

When I got triggered, but couldn’t take a break from my kids — which was often because, hello, parenthood — I would lash out in an explosion of anger. I’d yell, slam my hands on the counter, and throw toys into the kids’ bins as though I were my toddler having a temper tantrum. This would leave me feeling drained, shaky, and full of guilt once my adrenaline level dropped and I was in a more “normal” emotional state.

3. I had extreme physical reactions, like sweating profusely and shaking.

This emotional and mental overload was a very physical experience for me. My therapeutic approach tends to be cognitively focused, so I’m very aware of my thoughts and how they impact my emotional state. I couldn’t “think” my way out of this experience though: my body temperature would increase, I’d get shaky and sweaty, and I’d feel dizzy. These are common signs of anxiety; in my case, however, they were directly related to my nervous system being overwhelmed and exhausted.

4. I felt an increased need for control.

Like a typical HSP, I’m a planner who thrives on routine and order, and this tendency went into full overdrive in the months following my newborn’s birth. As my anxiety ratcheted up, the need to control my environment skyrocketed. This is a common defense mechanism to cope with anxious feelings, but as any parent knows, newborns scoff at routines and toddlers live to create messes. Something as simple as a skipped nap or seeing toys all over the floor were enough to send me into a tailspin. Even worse was the feeling that I had no control over my emotional response or what to do to prevent it.

5. I had feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

Because I often felt overwhelmed and unable to cope, I’d start thinking things like, “What if I’m not cut out for this? Am I going to totally screw up my kids? I should be grateful for this time with them rather than feeling miserable!” I didn’t feel this way all the time, but the fact that I felt this way at all made me worry that I was doing a bad job and wasn’t a good mother. Other people talked about how stressful it was to add a second baby to the family, but no one else seemed to be having panic attacks or fits of rage every week because of it.

Like what you’re reading? Get our newsletter just for HSPs. One email, every Friday. Subscribe here.

4 Ways I Learned to Cope With My Postpartum Anxiety and Depression

Now, I’m in a healthier place and have started working with other HSP parents, as well. If you find yourself struggling with postpartum anxiety and depression, I’ve identified a few strategies that are really helpful for this phase of life.

1. Get help.

Even as a trained mental health professional, it was easy for me to confuse the symptoms of postpartum anxiety and depression with HSP-triggered anxiety. Thankfully, I found a therapist who helped me connect the dots to see how my panic attacks and angry outbursts followed periods of increased stress and stimulation. For me, loud noises, messes (i.e., visual clutter), and hunger pangs are the biggest culprits for sending me over the edge. When I feel myself hurtling toward that cliff, one or more of those factors are almost always at play. It was a major “Aha!” moment — and sobering to recognize how vulnerable I was when I wasn’t taking proper care of my highly sensitive system.

2. Set appropriate expectations (for both you and your children).

As an HSP, you’re naturally more attuned and empathetic to others’ emotional states and you can’t do extended periods of time with kids without getting overstimulated. Additionally, remember that you’re biologically wired to feel a sense of urgency when your child cries — but that doesn’t mean it’s always an emergency. If you can switch your response from, “I need to fix what’s wrong and stop this crying ASAP” to “My job is to validate their feelings and create a safe, calm space for this emotional release,” then it can take a lot of pressure off of you. Likewise, change “I can’t handle this!” to “This is uncomfortable and I don’t like it, but I’m okay and know what to do.”

3. Take breaks.

Plain and simple: You can’t function without adequate time to process all of the extra stimulation and reset your nervous system. If your stimulation level is at an “8” all day, it takes very little to push you past “10” and over your limit. When we take regular breaks to self-soothe and calm down, you move that gauge down (say, to a “3” or “4” out of “10”), which increases your tolerance and resilience during stressful times. So, practice creating space for yourself: This could be mental, imagining yourself enclosed in a protective bubble, or physical, stopping what you’re doing and walking away to calm down.

4. Establish a rhythm and slow things down.

Create a routine for your family so that you all know what to expect from your days — this will reduce the number of decisions you have to make, the number of unexpected issues that arise, and the amount of transitions your children have to navigate (which are always tough for kids). And slow things down — the kids will be fine if lunch is two minutes late. They might not be happy about it, but just see it as a great opportunity for them to learn how to be patient and tolerate a little discomfort.

Those of us who are highly sensitive parents have so many wonderful strengths, but we’re also more susceptible to anxiety and depression — especially if we aren’t practicing good self-care and honoring our own needs and limits.

If you need some extra support, check out Jessie’s course designed specifically for highly sensitive mothers: The Aligned Mama, an 8-week course with private coaching to help you find your balance and enjoy motherhood again.