#and i need to talk abt them bc i cant just keep ignoring them and pretending theyre not there

[semiotomatics]

nothing you say after midnight matters right

ive been watching this couples' vlogs on yt recently (long story—dont ask) and they are like. thee most in love ive ever seen two people be. like i would be convinced they were playing it up for the camera but there's no way either of them are a good enough actor for that. they just radiate love for each other. and i dont mean in that boring amatonormative "youre my everything my heart beats only for you" nonsense. i mean like, theyre best friends. they genuinely enjoy each others company. they make each other laugh. theyre perfectly in sync. they support each other unconditionally. they trust each other completely. theyre just. in love.

and i. want that. i want to be in love. their relationship isnt even why i started watching, but now its honestly my favourite part of their videos. i watch them be this sickeningly sweet couple and i want that. i want a relationship. what the hell! i dont. ive never really wanted smth like that seriously before? but now, apparently, i do.

idk if its cause of the meds or what but things have just been. different for me. uncertain. in flux. im hoping its good and that ill come out the other side feeling More Me but im also just like. utterly terrified lol. of not recognizing myself, of changing, of being something other than what ive been for so long.

im also just like. sad lol. cause ive always been very happy being Alone, i never wanted to be in a ~relationship in the traditional sense. but now that i Want its like. actually being alone kind of sucks and i hate it lol. i have this whole new thing to be bummed about. this whole new loss to grieve. ive already got enough to grieve, for crying out loud! i dont need anything else added to that pile.

but also i still dont actually know what i Want? like as far as relationships go. i dont know if it would be platonic or queerplatonic or romantic or what. i just know i want something. i want a person i can spend time with and feel completely comfortable with and seek comfort from and be sickeningly affectionate towards and laugh with and go on adventures with and snuggle with and dance with and just. be with. but do i know how to actually find that person? fuck no. do i even feel capable of trying to find them? also fuck no. so instead im just. watching this couples' vlogs and feeling sad. is this what single allos feel like all the time? cause if so, i feel horrible for y'all. this shit sucks.

#this has been an original post #personal spewage #please dont look at me #i am just In My Feelings tonight #and i need to talk abt them bc i cant just keep ignoring them and pretending theyre not there #since they dont seem to be going away #:/ #sucks #i miss when i was confortably aroace and everything was easy #i mean!! idk man!! i could still be aroace and feel this way!! #its just. not how im used to defining my aroaceness #“the universe is not only queerer than we suppose” etc etc

[dolliestfairy]

COD characters headcanons with chubby reader ❀

-

༊ Cw : Fem!reader, Fluff fluff fluff & fluffs, a little spice in könig & horangi, mentions of hurting (not from or for reader), stretch marks mentioned, boobeh & booteh mentioned, a lil tiny bity of breeding kink in horangi's part. Chubby Woc Readers (theres no skintone of reader mentioned. only skin texture & body shape.)

·*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ ·*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ ·*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙

୨୧ Ghost

- Really love the opposite body shape you both had, imagine this; he's big and muscular, whiel you're simply plump nd small .. (unless ur tall, in that case you're plump & tall lol<3)

- and dont get me started cud this man loooovessss cuddling with u like godddd~

- but he wont admit it anyway.

- really love to grab your plump belly harshly and then jst like pulling it & playing it out bcs he thinks its cute lmao

- really loves how warm your body can get. loves to hug you when he's in fever (🥹)

୨୧ Price

- this old fashioned man really looves to see you in different type of clothes.

- if you buy some new piece of clothes u bet ur ass he'll be there seeing you trying your new clothes.

- dont get me wrong here, he just loves seeing you compliment urself in the mirror, cus no woman of his will be uncomfortable with her own body ✨

- really support you no matter what your decision is.

- if you'll ever decide to lose some weight he'll let you although he would be sad because he realize he will lose his favorite pillow. which is your bellies. <3

- also another sucker for cuddles, this man love cuddles like its a piece of china.

୨୧ Konig

- looves how plump u are omg

- if u had stretch marks then prepare for this big ol' guy to play with 'em, he jst cant stand those stretch marks being ignored :( he want them to feel loved too

- would smash everyones nose till its bloody once they talk bad about u. and if needed, he wont be afraid to putting a bullet in their heads, regardless of their genders. (but you wont find out about this though)

- loves seeing you in his clothes omggg, calls you his teddy bear because what else should he called u?? ur jst adorable and that body is basically perfect for cuddles

- also .. a little naughty things abt this guy is since he's so tall he likes to sometimes peek into ur boobeh if u wear anything revealing like a bra or a tank top.

- he just love seeing the shape of ur boobeh, no matter if its smol or no, a boobeh is still a boobeh.

- he actually felt guilty abt this but he cant stand it and sometimes he jst wish he could grab & squeeze them boobeh twins..

୨୧ Horangi

- really liked to tease u omg..

- this man is veeeerryyyyy clingy, and not just in front of you but its in front of everyone... including konig as well.

- for example he would basically nom nom ur plump cheeks in public without hesitation at all, or another thing is that he loves to softly touch ur booteh and also kiss ur cheeks in public as well

- its jst in public, but in private?????? do i even have to explain myself? 😭

- loves to called you "bunny" cus um.. well i mean he thinks that ur body is basically perfect for warm cuddles ( and also breeding, but he would never admit this anyway )

- would 100,001% ruin someones life once they talk shit about you.

- including breaking their ribs.

- loves to see u compliment ur self in the mirror, sometimes he jst watch u from behind while witnessing u having a lil dumb & silly conversation with ur own self in the mirror.

- think its cute & dumb, but would keep his mouth shut rather than saying it.

୨୧ alejandro

- compliments u in spanish omggg

- loves to calls you his wifey even though ur not (well i mean sooner -)

- would absolutely and menancingly roasting someone in their faces after their mouth just say something bad about you.

and if needed, he'll grab their head and bring em to the ground.

- and he wont afraid to do it in public either (this man..)

- also like ghost; he really love cuddles. no seriously, he loves cuddles with u.

- like everytime after he had done something, wether its finishing his missions or something like that he would jst go to ur home and ask for cuddles, and even when it was like holiday or weekend he would still just ask for cuddles..

- after work? cuddles, after dinner? cuddles, after sleep? cuddles, after breakfast? cuddles, after exercising? cuddles, after bath??? cuddles as well. its a cuddles 4 life for this man.

- he loves to spoil u. yes, he loves to buy you anything u want wheter its clothes, accessories, purse or anything u want he'll get it for you. even if the thing u want is from abroad or outside of mexico he'll still get it if u really wish for it. & its all for u his beloved plump cuddle bear♡

·*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ ·*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ ·*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙　✩　*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙

#chubby reader #plus size reader #fluff #headcanons #cod smut #cod fluff #cod x reader #mw2 fluff #mw2 smut #mw2 headcanons #ghost x reader #ghost fluff #simon riley x reader #simon riley smut #horangi x reader #horangi smut #price headcanons #price mw2 #price x reader #alejandro smut #alejandro fluff #alejandro headcanons #alejandro x reader #horangi headcanons #horangi fluff #simon riley fluff #simon riley headcanons #cod headcanons #call of duty fluff

[inevitablysomber-dark]

hi luv, i have a request

reader gets badly hurt by rafe or put in danger because of his addiction. that’s like her last straw and she tells rafe she cant be with him if he keeps using. he begs n pleads but reader needs space

over a few days rafe acts crazy, sending her messages n shit saying how he’s gonna make it right bc he “loves” her. reader ignores him for a bit and then once she is ready, goes over to his to talk to him abt the relationship. when she gets there though she overhears rafe talking shit about how reader is the bad person for leaving him + invalidating the severity of the danger he put her in + is literally high on coke while going on this rant

she tells him off, he doesn’t let her leave, idk abt the rest i just see a lot of angst and possessive rafe💌

Of Bullets and Wounds:

Warning: There are some intense, nonconsensual sexual themes in this story, also domestic abuse, and injury. MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. MINORS DNI.

Thoughts and Opinions are Welcome

You didn't understand how you let things get this severe or allowed Rafe to push things as far as he did despite your reluctance.

You probably figured things always worked out and you would be fine.

Unfortunately, that kind of thinking had you keeled over in immeasurable pain and panic as you held on to your injured arm for dear life.

Due to some incident that Topper had with JJ, Rafe, and his little trio, and had recently stumbled upon a firearm, courtesy of Barry. You didn't understand what happened, but something told you Topper had started it.

You couldn't say that to Rafe because admitting the pogues were anything, but guilty would ruin his little fantasy of them being the bad guys.

He lured you out of the comfort of your room for a date night, and somehow you ended up at the beach with the dream team, high and impulsive while playfully handling a dangerous firearm.

You were tired, you had been tired for a while now, and at this point in your lives, you were wondering when Rafe was going to grow the fuck up.

You sat beside a makeshift bonfire as they tampered with the weapon, mostly Rafe, consistently telling them that this was a bad idea and that maybe they should put the gun away and go home.

In fact, your statement made Rafe a bit more rebellious, and he seemed to get a bit more reckless with it.

Shooting out rounds to the ocean, laughing and trying to reassure you. You weren't having fun, not that the night had been a gaggle of laughs, but when the pit of your stomach began to churn, you felt that you needed to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

Rafe noticed as you got up and began to gather your things, and in his hurry to stop you, a bullet shot off in your direction.

Rafe had shot you.

It wasn't on purpose, but you couldn't help but think you wouldn't be in this situation if he had listened to you from the beginning.

The pain was unbearable, and it was all you could focus on as he carried you to the jeep and had Topper drive you out to the hospital.

"Let me see," he says

"Don't touch me," you cringe on the other end of the backseat, doing your best to get as far away from him as possible.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, but please let me see it," he begs.

You desperately shake your head. "No,"

"Just let me fucking see it," he was no longer gentle, and as his patience wore thin, he grabbed your injured arm and taking a look at the wound.

"It hurts," you start hitting him, hoping it would get him to stop pulling on your arm.

But that makes him angrier, as he takes hold of your neck, threatening you with a squeeze. "Stay fucking still," he growls.

You stop, the fear in your belly was spreading to your chest. He goes into his back pocket and pulls out his phone, turning on the flash to get a better view of your injury.

"It looks like a graze," he says.

You take a peek at the open wound, the skin ripped open as blood seeped out, but it didn't look like a hole.

"You're gonna tell them we were playing around at the beach, and you fell on a bunch of rocks."

You're taken aback as the lie flows effortlessly through his lips.

Once you get to the hospital, you tell them precisely what Rafe told you, and you feel like an idiot. He was by your side the entire time, acting as moral support while you got your stitches.

Topper took you back to the beach to pick up Rafe's truck, and Rafe took you home.

Before he can turn off his truck, you let it all go.

"I don't think this is working," you stare at your hands to avoid looking him in the eyes.

"What?" his voice deep and clear. He must be off his high.

"I'm not saying it should be forever, but I think we should take a long break," if you were being honest, you'd been thinking about it for a while and didn't think you'd ever return.

"Y-"

Before he could finish his statement, you jumped out of the truck, rushing to your front door.

"Wait!" he shouts, grabbing your injured arm.

You let out a strangled cry, emphasizing your pain.

"Look, if it's about the whole gun thing, I said I was sorry."

He didn't get it, and frankly, you weren't surprised. Rafe was incapable of thinking about any perspectives outside of his own.

"It's not just the gun, Rafe. It's the fact that every time you get high, you find trouble, and somehow I get dragged along for the ride. It was fun when we first started dating, but now I'm scared and tired." you heave a heavy sigh getting everything off your chest.

"Look, I promise to be better, just don't do this," he whispers, sounding desperate.

"No, we can't be together if you're going to keep using and acting out like this."

"Please"

"We're adults now, Rafe," you open your door.

"Please don't do this to us," he tries to push his way in, and despite going up against his strength, you manage to hold your own.

"Look, I just need some space, I'll see you later,"

Despite the struggle, you lock the door before pushing your back against it.

"What the fuck."

You really didn't want to see Rafe ever again. The night at the beach put things into perspective as you considered him a future partner.

In conclusion, he was very unfit.

Unfortunately, Rafe didn't seem to understand the concept of 'space' since that night. Either that, or he didn't respect you enough to give it to you.

He was constantly messaging you with love bombs, and I'm sorry's, With the last message alluding to him making things right and you effectively having him blocked since.

But that didn't stop Rafe.

He delivered flowers and chocolates to your home, even getting your mother to talk to you about how good your relationship was and that you shouldn't destroy it over a little spat.

He clearly didn't tell her what happened, and you had half a mind to expose his sorry ass.

You let the situation stew for about two weeks before finally deciding to talk to him.

You unblock him and ask to meet up, and he responds by saying anytime and that you knew where to find him.

As you walk up the steps to his mansion, you hear someone making noise by the pool in the backyard and decide to check it out.

When you get closer, you hear your name on what sounds like Rafe's lips.

"She's being such a bitch about the whole thing. It was a fucking accident. She's acting like I held the gun to her fucking face and pulled the trigger on purpose,"

When you look over, he's moving back and forth on the pool's edge, gun in hand, with agitated movements. He was very animated with the occasional tick, and as soon as you heard him sniffle and go to wipe his nose, you knew he was still using.

This bastard and his audacity, before you could walk away, he spots you calling out your name and quickly hanging up with whoever he had on the line.

"What that was-" as soon as he grabs your arm, you push him off and decide to face the Devil.

"Fuck you, Rafe. You're gonna grow to be a miserable old man, stuck to this fucking island, except you won't have daddy's money to ease the pain."

You get in his face, anger slowly building in your chest as you get louder.

"What's worse is that you won't be a kook. No, you'll live on the cut just like the pogues you hate so fucking much, you miserable cokehead,"

You huff as you try to walk away, but he grabs your waist.

"Where the fuck are you going?" he says, irritation laced in his tone.

"I'm going home, let go," you try to push him off, but his hold gets tighter.

"You're not going anywhere,"

You feel a cold heavy metal pushed up against your neck, and still.

"That's my good girl," he says, pulling you into the house and throwing you on the couch, with the gun still in his hand and facing your direction.

"Rafe-"

"No, I gave you the space you needed, you're done, and you're coming back to me." he sits next to you, gun still pointed your way. "Babe, you don't understand just how much I need you in my life. You can't just walk away from me."

He tries to pull you into a kiss, and in the midst of you pushing him away, he clumsily drops the gun.

Feeling a chance come up, you rush for it, but Rafe is faster and stronger as he slams you against the couch.

Your lungs struggle to breathe at the impact, and he takes this opportunity to lift your skirt and rip off your thong.

Pushing his fingers deep into your cunt, roughly fondling you as you try to fight back.

"Rafe, Stop. Please,"

He chuckles as if he thought of something funny. He flips you over without so much of a struggle on his end.

You hear his movement as he adjusts his shorts to pull his cock out.

He massages your ass, giving it a harsh smack. "This is all mine," he gives it another one. "Don't you ever forget that,"

He pulls your cheeks apart as wide as you can handle, and you feel the head of his cock poking into your entrance.

He feels so much larger as your pussy stretches around him. A thought then occurs to you.

"Condom," you say

"Don't worry about that. I wanna be the only thing on your mind," he quickly forces the rest of his cock inside you.

All it takes is a few pumps for him to catch a rhythm, hovering over you as he rolls your clit between his fingers.

You were so wet and didn't understand why. But Rafe didn't care, his enjoyment of the situation evident as his grunts became rabid.

"Fuck" he says as he flips you around so that you're facing him. Pushing himself back into your body. Exhausted by the situation, you just let it happen and let your eyes close as you felt the sensations.

" Look at me," he says. "I wanna see your face when I cum inside you,"

Your eyes open at his suggestion.

"Rafe, no!" you put your hands against his pelvis as you try to push him off. He just grabs them and pulls them over your head as he fucked you with more vigor than before. His other hand plays with your clit as you're forced into an orgasm, toes curled and back arched, with him following close behind. Filling you with his seed, a creampie forms as you feel it leaking out.

"You're gonna be stuck with me forever, bitch."

#Dark!Rafe Cameron #Dark!Rafe Cameron x Reader #Dark OBX #dark fics #Rafe Cameron c Reader #Outer Banks #abuse #near-death experience #non con #nonconsensual #request #of bullets and wounds

[sugar-omi]

Can you imagine what partner/group projects would be like with the Cove and MC in school?? (Ignoring the indifferent route) At school Cove sticks to the MC’s side like glue so imagine whenever the teacher announces that the class has to partner up or choose group members to do a project Cove just SPRINTS to stand beside you and grabs your hand to ask if you can work together (In step 1 I can just see Cove side eyeing any other group members that he has to work with) But also if the teachers like “Oh but you can’t choose who you work with it’s assigned” poor Cove will just complain to you the entire time if you end up not being able to work together, he’s all pouty like >:(

well if its in step 2, you get things done

not without lots of joking and daydreaming, but it gets done eventually

whereas in step 3, dating or crush, there's lots of flirting n hushed giggles.... like nothing gets done LMAO

either way (although especially in step 3) teachers get tired of your shit and decide to assign partners just to get everyone to socialize with others n blah blah blah

(i can barely say this bc i hate it sm!!! i was and am very shy so teachers forcing me outta my bubble had me fucked.... yes im traumatized jus thinking abt it omg i hate teachers, they think they know what theyre doing but this is a lot more damaging than they think ANYWAY MOVING ON OKOK)

cove will fret abt it the whole day, is dreading doing the assignment bc they wanna do it with you and not some stranger or some mean/rowdy classmate

omg during step 1 he's so clingy too, starts moving towards you for any group or pair assignment

at some point snaps abt how its ridiculous they're forcing him to be friends with other kids bc he doesn't like them like that n they don't like him like that and why force a shy kid to do smth they dont want.....

yeah your parents have to keep going to school to talk w the teacher abt this, its tough

by step 3 he can put up with it, but he's texting you like the whole time or getting ready to see you and if his group mates complain its "i did my part of the assignment."

can't even complain bc he did it and he did it right

when you do work together it's the most coordinated shit ever

somehow, even between lots of goofing around and a bit of flirting it gets done on time and if you have to present its done right

you're coordinated, n like a oiled machine

like i said cove takes on whatever you can't

i saw a post, cant rmbr if it was a tweet or a tiktok but he's the type that can't speak up bc they got his order wrong but will go ask the waiter for sauce for you

if its for the same class n assignment, you'll go look for the books n stuff you need together at least

and if you can work on it at home, you will put your parts of the assignment for your group together before you turn it in

omg especially in step 3 he acts like its the end of the world istg he's so dramatic

afterwards will fall over you n is like "omg we barely made it"

like bro. you had to play *insert bullshit gym activity* with another person for like 30 mins more or less CALM DOWN

just comfort him a bit n play along w his exaggeration n its okay <3

#olba #cove holden #cove holden x reader

[magnoliamyrrh]

yall i had the weirdest fucking nightmare last night which i feel could be a scenario for a short horror or something

so i was a chicken.

living on this mans farm somewhere in america, but like a rly fucked up farm where he figured out how to genetically modify us chickens or something so wed grow extra wings legs etc so he could cut them off and sell them and keep us alive and we would regrow them. and like idk one day a bit after sunset when there's still light in the sky but its dim, he gets mad at us i think because we were talking amongst ourselves (pretty sure we weren't allowed to talk because it reminded him we were beings like him too and made him feel bad) hes like fuck it its harvest day so he lines us all up and hes going around tearing limbs and shit,, hes like grabbing the skin off of their backs and pulling it over their heads and snapping wings and shit

and its like horrid and horrifying and like he gets to the chicken next to me who tries to speak again maybe to tell him that he wasnt speaking or to not do it which kinda defeats the purpose and like. and like he yells at it that its not allowed to bc were just animals who cant speak etc but like we clearly can but anyway he tears the skin and limbs off of the one next to me more brutally than usual and then he gets to me and like,,,, i just start speaking to him louder and idk saying what but it pisses him off so bad that he grabs me by the neck and takes me to the chopping block and before hes abt to chop me i keep talking to him and idk what i say that gets to him to stop for a moment. i think i remember saying things like we Can speak, we Can you cant just ignore it we can feel and speak and think just like you we may be animals but we Can this isnt right

and i can see his face break a bit, just a bit and he looked at me and i remember thinking Now i have to put on my best act, i have to pretend to care abt what hes feeling, and i go,, you werent always like this with my voice cracking and crying. you werent always like this with us. by this point it is dark outside and the porch light is illuminating us

and he goes no,no i wasnt. i know youre people too. i know you can speak. i can see a look of regret on his face. contemplation. disgust with himself probably. but then he snaps out of it, his face goes cold again. he looks at me with dead eyes and goes on abt how now he has some rare illness thatd gonna kill him so he needs money. some more justifications too this is the world blah blah. he needs to do this. he reaches for my back and tears my skin off over my head, skins me alive, grabs my extra wings and snaps them and takes them with him. i could feel the pain and fear and horror in my dream. ...he leaves me there. but he does not kill me. he does not kill me as he intended

and then i wake up

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

hello, its me! the anon who asked for your opinion abt shipping Alastor with other characters :)

firstly, thank you for answering! i totally agree that, if you build on a character's canon aro/ace orientation, then shipping them would be okay. ive just heard other people say doing that was aroace erasure, and i didnt feel like i had much say, because (as previously stated) im aceflux and nebularomantic.

my sexuality fluctuates, and i cant really tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, which is why i didnt feel qualified to put out my opinion on such matters

i also feel like i should apologize, bc i kinda feel like my ask may have snowballed into some sort discourse? idk, just from what i saw when looking at the blog every now and then, it looked like some shit was going down, revolving around Alastor 😭

now, onto why im here: why should someone do if a person they looked up to, who outwardly supported the aroace community, turns out to be a horrible person? (im sure that some people reading this can already guess who im talking about)

i feel so icky about the situation, bc ive supported and loved this person for years. all of the songs theyve ever written have been so aro-coded (as said by aromantics), and a vast majority of their fanbase is aromantic/on the aro/ace spectrum, myself included. they even spoke about their love for the aromantic community openly, and now, with them being exposed as a horrible person, i dont really know how to feel. is there any advice you could give me and others who are in the same boat? /nf

—sincerely, 🦢🦌

No it’s all good! The discourse was started by me ducking up and some people taking it slightly to far.

Unfortunately I do know who you’re talking about. I was in that fandom back in 20-22 ish, and I couldn’t be happier that I left. Honestly. I don’t know ANYthing about the situation other then someone being revealed to be a piece of shit for some reason and I would like to keep it that way:

I don’t need to know the details about what this person did.

Small side note before I begin:

I think the problem is a lot of people have put people like that on a pedestal while not knowing anything about them. 

The big difference between e- celebrities and true (actors, singers, rich assholes ect) celebrities is the accountability of the public. True celebrities have been held accountable much sooner and to much more effect then e-celebrities due to the fact that the media cares what they do. The paparazzi ect

People talking about not listening to said persons music anymore: reminder that it’s not only them who produces and plays that music. Don’t listen to their solo shit, burn CDs rip it off YouTube, piracy is on the rise.

The rest of the people involved with the band are NOT at fault here and their career and income should not have to suffer for an asshole.

“Cancel” the person not the team.

You can still relate to something without relating to the asshole

You can still relate to something without being the asshole

Be respectful

Listen to victims

And a word for my aspecs ->

The amount of straight people who are just as bad doesn’t matter here, no matter what happens next, all people will see is “he supported aroace spec people” and will try and use it.

Ignore that block them and report harassment

Stay safe anon

#asks #ask #sorry if this was a mess #dsmp #lovejoy #wilbur soot #discourse #tw abuse #tw violence

[boxwinebaddie]

uncle neen...yk im happy that the boys are hating n all but can we get a lil toxic yaoi?

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOUGH, whoever sent me this anon and the one asking me to elaborate on jersey being afriad to say i love you, ENJOY PRISON!!!! WOW!!!!! OW SO MUCH!!!!

( i will be answering that one btw, dw i'm not ignoring it, its just taking a while bc want to make sure its thorough aka my tears keep making my laptop short-circuit while i'm trying to write it...fml )

like maaaan, this is supposed to be my beautiful and relaxing utopia of a tumblr blog where i get to forget that i write multiple unfinished multi-chapter style angst au fanfics and pretend to be peaceful!

your honor, i have never done anything wrong in my life! facts! xx

but uhhhhh....u might be onto something...bc when i tell you, ravesey style literally does not fight bc they are in love ( or hate, ig, bC KYLE CANT SAY I LOVE YOU, I'M GONNA END IT ALLLL ) but if they did, which it's gotta have happened once, right? it was probably crazy, messy and soooooo insane like......ooooough my god, hELP.

*ravenstan vc* pero like they've literally been temporaried and basically married since they were in middle school, SO IF THEY FIGHT??? IF THEY BREAK UP??? DOES THAT MEAN THEYRE GETTING DIVORCED???? IM SICK!!!! IM SO SICK MY STOMACH HURTS SO BAD I HATE THIS!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

i want to d*e, however....you know me...

and i do Live for the Drama, babey. ;)

like, okay, okay, okay could you imagine them at the same events bc marjorine is in crimson dawn so naturally kyle ft. the blonde crew would all be there ( and we all read my cringe post, we know what used to go on at those events between the boys and what came off ) and oooooooooof, like??? some weird music exec man talking to stan, trying to make a pass at him, tryna touch his ass, making him super uncomfortable and stan just like ahaahaAhaaa! yeah! be in touch! more like please don't touch me lol, i'm literally scared of u, wtf!!! :'((

and jerseykyle walking up after the guy leaves like "I Don't Like How That Guy Was Talking To You" hella overprotective & ravenstan being like "Why Do You Care? You're Not My Boyfriend, Rem(ember)?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO

I HATE IT HERE LIKE MAAAAAAAAAAN!!! BOOOOO!!!!!!

and kyle just being like "you're right. i'm not." :'|

this is sick....I am SICK.

and kyle trying to deflect and not be vulnerable bc hE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO BE VULNERABLE PLS TELL ME THEY DIDNT BREAK UP BC KYLE CANT SAY I LOVE YOU I WILL PASS AWAY!!!

all like "i can smell the vodka on ur breath, by the way. i thought you quit drinking." and stan quick with it af bc hes defensive relapsing and his drinking problem smh like "yeah? and i can smell the cigarettes on yours. i thought YOU quit." AUUUR NAAAH

and kyle being also defensive about relapsing and his cigarette addiction like "Why Do You Care? You're Not My Boyfriend...

rEm(EmBEr)?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!! i'm so sad this is sO!!!!

i feel like its so messy like i feel like they are a bubbline level of messy or like a haylor break up level of messy where stan sings all the romantic kyle songs but makes them Fast instead of slow and does a really bad new jersey accent one time out of spite bc hes schwasted and really sad or writes a really mean song called like psycho babble whatever abt boys who need therapy psychoanalyzing you,,,, AAAA!!!

hell is a place and i hate it here...can they be in love again like MAN?

stan doing interviews and the interviewers trying to skate around the ravesey split so stan doesn't k-word himself and hes just like "no its okay you can say we broke up haha </3" *necks vodka*

"a-anyways, i'm single now! So!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! TOMATTTTOOOOO

and i bet you he only said that bc he thinks jersey kyle re-entered his grindr manwhore for the streets era!!!! bc the interviewers are being nice but the tabloids are being ruthless and photoshopping a bunch of shit and just like taking pictures of kyle outside of the apartment getting mail like NEXT TO THE FKN MAIL MAN LIKE!! NEW BF!!

bUT LIKE HE DIDNT!!!! HE LITERALLY WOULDNT LIKE OH MY GOD BUT ITS ALL VERY CONVINCING AND STAN DOESNT KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE LIKE MAN WHAT THE FUCK BROTHER!!!!!! NOOOO!!!

i was like hm where is the dial drunk ravenstans one phone call being kyle and kyle not picking up...but ALSO????? where is the scary mean vicious attack dog mean streets new jersey kyle who reverts back to fighting and brawling getting thrown in the cop car and is calling stan/gets dropped on ravenstans doorstep all beat up n bloody and bruised...and stan thinks he was just being reckless and hotheaded and fighting ppl again bUT HE ACTUALLY??? GOT INTO A BAR FIGHT BC SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABT RAVEN THAT WAS REALLY FUCKED UP AND LITRALLY BEAT THE SHIT OUT THEM???

i will also have you know that eco/plant king stan knows a lot of natural remedies just from being interested in apothecary stuff and from his mom...but speaking of miss sharon sonrisa, before randy RUINED HER LIFE, she wanted to be a doctor, so she was very skilled in areas of medicine/patching people up and passed all that knowledge onto her lovely son who...literally is scared of blood but does...unfortunately have years of binding under his belt from when he was trying to pass/didn't have top surgery, so he is very good at bandaging wounds ( randy also...gave him lots of practice! haha )

also i want to cry bc...ravenstan is so gentle and will take very good care of u...its probably so tense and so tender in there...when i tell you they are about to KISS that whole time....

ANYWAYS!!!! HOW VERY DARE YOU ASK ME THIS AND MAKE ME MAKE THIS HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION THAT HURT MY FEELINGS...i will...elaborate on it...and make it realer and worse if you ask...BUT KNOW THAT JAIL AWAITS I AM SO UPPPPSET!!!!

-uncle nina, crying and throwing up over the fake ravesey toxic yaoi and drama i created for them FOR THE DRAMA...truly sick n twisted

#I FORGOT TO SAY #i bet you ravenstans hair is a Color #and u know hes having a bpd boy moment if his hair is a color especially if its VIBRANT #and patchy as hell #bc u know he did it himself on a whim probably manic and walked his lil ass to the cvs #in the sharkchanclas and bought like 5 4lokos #and like two boxes of splat #w the crazy 40 volume developer bleach in there smh #and dyed his hair all depressed and stressed #like i bet u its like GREEN or RED...oh my god red hair raven is so mentally ill...that is antistan #i hate it here can they kiss again why did i write this why would u ask me this but also ask me more #i am also v obsessed w street hardened jersey kyle and gentle home medic pacifist stan...theyre in lovE BUT THEYRE FIGHTING LIKE BOOOOO #KISSSSSS ALREADY PLEASE SMASH I HATE THIS #ALSO I BET U IF KYLE SHOWS UP ON THE APARTMENT DOORSTEP STAN IS IN THE COMFORT COLUMBIA SWEATSHIRT HOLDING CURB ALL SHOOK #LIKE UR HONOR THEYRE IN LOVE U GOTTA BELIEVE ME

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

#replies #ableism #tw: ableism

[ko-odi]

I know I know davekat jumpscare but I HAVE to talk abt them IMMEDIATELY ‼️‼️ sorry I feel the need to ramble in mentally-ill fashion

ok so davekat may TECHNICALLY be the most boring pairing in hs to many people, and that is totally valid and I get becoming annoyed/bored with it but? Seeing 2 guys who originally find each other insufferable at worst and fun to laugh at at best, slowly start to become friends while nobody payed attention is NICE OK!!! 2 guys whove set up emotional walls to protect themselves, only starting to let those fronts come down and open up and be genuine around each other in private is HEARTWARMING !!! Them unlearning deep-set issues and trauma and striving to become better only AFTER becoming friends with the other, BECAUSE they became friends with the other, makes me EMOTIONAL !!!

Like, Dave’s struggle with internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity, DIRECTLY MIRRORING Karkat’s struggle with quadrant confusion and ability to strictly fit any relationship into any one quadrant? Them sharing things with each other they usually keep hidden, or annoying and instigating tf out of the other cuz they find it fun, them holding hands and being happy just !!! MM-MM-MMMM the flavors are lichrillay melting on my tongue rn

this brings me to quadrants which btw davekat being strictly any one quadrant takes SO much of the interesting dynamic away from it! Karkat being confused and struggling to fit dave into any one box and getting frustrated bcs of it is IMPORTANT- him wanting to help dave out and feeling pity for him one minute, getting all flustered the next, and also having black feelings for him sometimes because GOD his “cool guy” persona can be so ANNOYING and he makes him so mad sometimes, sometimes even on PURPOSE!! Like either u have bleeding quadrant + vacillation( + feelings that cant be placed in any quadrant at all) davekat, or no davekat at all xoxo(obviously /j /lh this is my interpretation). Also I like to think that they try each other’s different kinds of dating -human dating and troll dating- and neither really works perfectly so they just create their own way yk? like, transcending quadrants and ignoring strict human relationship standards type deal

finally, and most importantly… I kin them both so seeing them happy together makes me happy amen

#davekat #davekat analysis? #idk I just wanted to talk abt them #hyperfixation moment #I obviously like other pairings too #and Im not saying davekats the BEST ONE #but I just #I like them ☹️☹️ #cringe but free ykyk #long post #like junevrisrezi is just YEAAAAAH #I LOVE JUNEVRISREZI TOO <3 #enemies to friends to lovers is my favorite ever if u couldnt tell #also dave is demiromantic real

[aroaceacacia]

ignore if you've already been asked but!! what are your favorite life steal smp povs :o

ok!! so this is a Bit tricky bc I've (mostly) been watching s3 on youtube and different players may make more or fewer videos, + I'm mostly just dropping a lot of the info thats been jumping out at me abt a bunch of diff povs!

- subz (only 2 s3 videos, but appears in a LOT of ppls videos). married to the #grind, lives in the gaming zone

- roshambo and mapicc, but specifically their s4 streams. ro and mapicc are a fascinating study into the functionality and domesticity of two teenage boys in a death game. they're silly little guys

- vitalasy!! vitalasy starts shit and then goes "but why are they attacking me? :(" a bit of a schemer, seems to be one for theatrical pranks + traps. he and subz are besties

- rekrap! he is the nicest sweetest kindest guy and I want to put him in my mouth and eat him. escape artist, mostly because he gets targeted with traps due to the preexisting reputation for escaping traps

- parrot is very strategic, his s3 + rekrap's is worth it just for the mindfuck episode that is "this minecraft player cant be trapped". but I really think u need to watch the full POV for that video to be as crazy as it felt to me

- spepticle is just a funny little guy :) he likes making minigames, and is apparently the only person on the server to make minigames that ARENT trapped. if spep wants to trap you he'll just trap you (or he'll ask ashswag to play herobrine). spepticle and branzy have this beef in s3 that feels like watching toddlers slap each other in the sandbox and I love it

- mcclutch is like ur annoying little brother who wants attention so he does it by fucking with you and talking to your friends. despite this he is somehow incredibly endearing

- mrcube! hes just a little guy trying his best to murder people

- theterrain! Some of THE BEST editing on the server, takes concepts like "trapping rekrap" and figures out how to take them in new directions

- PRINCEZAM . i dont care who u are you are legally obligated to watch princezam Always. zam is the kind of guy to do something for the bit and then keep doing it for the bit. and then go /j(/srs). the sun motif that I saw @biinaberry introduce really suits him

- ashswag. lifesteal's biggest girlboss. his videos feel like distilled ADHD. 10/10

I gotta stop myself now before I just talk about every single funny guy on lifesteal

#asks #lifesteal smp

[tohokuu]

rant - mentions of death and suicide and blah blah blah

i feel like i only come on here to fucking rant lmfao

but hey ! at least it’s being put down somewhere and not shoved inside so then i can let it all out when things get too much and have a nervous breakdown LNFOAJF

i need therapy

like genuinely i need to get help !!

but help does not exist !

western therapy does not work on eastern minds ! and ykw- it’s fucking true. therapy doesn’t fucking work for some reason. that’s a beef reference

i just finished beef btw. great show. binge watched it and ignored all of my missing work… ahaha…

i miss when i was motivated my first semester of college and used to have the mentality.

“hey, if you get it all done now, you won’t have to feel guilty about procrastinating ! and then you’ll actually enjoy doing other fun things !” fuck.

so i lost 3 of my closest friends, so i’ve got nobody to text ya know ? but like we never really texted like that anyway but these were my go to friends yk ? the ones i always hung out with but they’re no longer here so now i’m lonely asf w nothing to do and i’m like …. heehee

just hanging there looking like a fucking L

like i’m a fucking loser LMFAO

i’m a loser

i bring nothing to the fucking table

i’m failing my classes bc i don’t understand anything anymore

i cant fucking write

idk how to fucking write

i don’t have friends

i’m fucking ugly

i actually serious hate everyone

my reputation is actually a lot worse than i had assumed btw ??? like … apparently there’s rumours abt me saying “she likes to ruin relationships for fun” and how “the things ppl hear abt me are unbelievable”

like is this fucking highschool ??? why are you focused on spreading rumors abt me instead of trying to fucking graduate college you stupid piece of fucking shit ???

and then this dickhead today i was talking to 😀 i tell this mf i need a job and ask if his place is hiring

he says “start an onlyfans” are you kidding. that’s so rude, inappropriate and disrespectful.

he knows i’m somebody that believes in God and i’m religious LMFAO ik i literally write porn on here for leisure but like … cmon 😀 seriously ? and this is a guy i barely know and ykw, everything in me was like “they’re all the same. they’re all the fucking same.”

and rn my sister just knocked on the bathroom door tryna fucking irritate me bc she can’t find my fucking gua sha like bitch you didn’t fucking ask to use it and no i don’t know where the fuck it is god leave me alone please

and then my mom keeps annoying me about coming down and grinding the chicken bc i was supposed to make dumplings today and freeze them but i’m fucking tired and it’s 10 pm and i’m not grinding chicken and then cooking it and making wontons. no. no. no. no.

i just want it to all stop. i just wanna breathe without my mind thinking a million fucking things at once. i feel like i can’t breathe without inhaling problems. i just wanna crawl into a fucking hole and fucking die. i literally want it all to stop. i don’t wanna actually die but i want to be happy please this week was shit. it was shit. i feel like shit. i just want it to stop. please.

[somescenecatholic]

vent post

tw: queerphobia, religion, depression, offing

pls help me and dw im not depressed or officidal anymore

////

grace culture is being tired of constantly having to hide lgbt stuff (especially this tumblr) from your parents bc theu will lecture you abt how I should hide this stuff

their only reasoning is bc you dont see straight ppl do it

UGH I wish they would actually listen to why! I told my dad and he dismissed it and my mom, i dont remember. I love them sm and im sick of this strain. im done with constantly having to hide in fear of them

like they literally cried when i tried getting a chest binder after they said no (this was literally the most dysphoric point of my life ever and I told them tht and they were just like "well u need to love urself more").

I love being a teen but I srsly cant wait till I get out so I can actually do these things and live how I want to. I have good morals and a good heart so ill be fine.

Mom thinks I'm getting too lost in society, yet thtis same society wants me dead and in hell. Like what???? I told her abt the antimtrans kaws being all over the us and stuff and she said "well what does tht have to do with you?"

IM TRANS, SOME MY FRIENDS ARE TRANS.

Not only tht but human rights should NEVER be repealed! And then she went on and on abt how she helped this person and how she sees herself in me.

Since this is how you are treating an extremely marginalized community, I dont want you in me. I love you and dad so much but I just cant do this anymore. I'm tired of lying and hsving to sit through your speeches abt how I should keep lgbt stuff private bc they would like me to do tht and society may hate it in the future (it already does). I'm tired of lying abt how I agree with you when I completely dont. I'm tired of you saying tht "well God loves everyone" when you really arent acting like tht, actually live your life and truly show His love to everyone you meet.

My dad is the same way execept he's not Christisn (he's Muslim but he doesnt go to mosque) and he looks down on gay/trans ppl bc so much of us have bad mental health. hmm I wonder why?? Its the same thing with Black ppl and other POCs so what are you talking abt?? We're Black so we should know how the other feels! And you're a doctor so you should stop this prejudiced nonsense, please.

I want to actually be able to talk to my parents abt anything and everything and be able to be me. I wish tht I didnt just have God and my friends, but my parents too! I wish tht they actually supported me with this stuff bc all theyre doing is hurting me! They say they love me but when I asked my mom to please use she/they (this was when i was thinking tht i was a demigirl and used she/they), she said "uhh no" and ignored it. only my friends helped. When I told my mom tht I wanted a chest binder, she said "what if its too dangerous and hurts your boobs?". I did research and proved her wrong but she still said no!

srry for the long vent but im just so tired of this. Last night, my mom looked at an image I sent to my brother and friends

this one ^ and she lectured me abt the gay emo pride thing. WHY DOES SHE CARE SM?

For someone who's like "well nobody cares tht youre gay", you care quite a bit. Stop trying to convince me into liking or dating guys and stop trying to force me to not speak abt smth im passionate abt.

"well you havent rlly developed an attraction to guys"

duh obviously, bc I DONT WANNA DATE THEM! Guys are cool as heck and I'd be their best friend but not their gf!

You and dad think im doing this for attention but my entire life, I didnt care abt tht. Even when I was a toddler, I didnt care and made sure you knew! Dont you know me better? You pride me in being your first and being your daughter and you love me alot but if you truly love me, please stop doing this. I wanted to off myself and I was depressed bc of this. You're lucky tht I have a strong relationship with God bc He was the reason I didnt. He gave me wonderful friends and He comforted me through His word.

At the same time, Im afraid to even tell mom and dad this bc I know they'll be absolutely heartbroken and will cry a LOT bc of this. I dont wanna see them cry again bc when I did, I felt like it was all my fault and yeah. I have no clue what to do other than keep this a secret from them until the day I die. And after tht I dont want them to go to hell bc queerphobia goes against all God stands for.

pls help

srry for the long post but ive been holding this back forever. This has gone on for 2 years

#vent post #tw queerphobia #tw queerphobes #lgbt discrimination #queer kids #help please #this is a cry for help #mogai #queer #queer issues #black lgbt #black nonbinary #black xenogender #poc mogai #liom #mogai safe #tumblr

[oupydogcity]

ann if you’re still doing those character asks

ah fuck i left this in my drafts. ive been on an ann tirade today though so this is convenient.

sexuality: butch lesbian and i honestly kind of hate every other interpretation for no good reason besides umm. Well they make no sense and suck and are incredibly stupid. like im not gonna seriously argue with people over something as irrelevant as lgbt headcanons but i still think they’re incredibly wrong.

gender: transmasc butch as gender. the thing about ann and i was talking abt this on my priv twitter earlier but like she literally isnt fem. like atlus makes it a point to show that ann sucks at being girly what with the flirting/acting stuff. also any outfit (that isnt an overtly sexualized costume) ann wears has a jacket with it to cover up with even the summer ones. she also tends to wear oversized shirts, and those opaque tights, and converse. i find it kind of insane how atlus does a better job at making her androgynous than a lot of fans do? i keep seeing really nice art of ann but she’s in a puffy pink dress and it just makes no sense to me. i think for her in particular the way she dresses is fundamental to the character and people kind of just close their eyes and ignore that bc umm shes pink and likes hearts ❤️ or something. like pink and hearts cant be masc. its stupid. boys can giggle and go mmm yummy and yaaay. anyways she/he pronouns.

a ship i like: annshiho canon. butch4butch. theyre very different types of butch but still veryvery butch. and while Yes i would have liked more shiho content in the game i think people could also just pay a little bit more attention to things for extra shiho context. i know her very well actually.

brotp: fuckin. all the phantom thieves really but im particularly fond of ann/akira/ryuji, ann/ryuji, and ann/goro.

notp: ive covered this but i think ann with any man at all is like, so stupid its comical. i particularly hate ann and yusuke because like. no dude. bro. ann would hate that. theyre wonderful friends but think about how yusuke would be in a relationship for two seconds and then think about anns complicated relationship with modeling and performance.

a random headcanon: less of a headcanon more of a thought but i really REALLY wish her relationship with her parents was explored more. like her confidant is mostly sweet, her desire to make her heart stronger to protect girls (which, SO butch of her, hello?) was really nice. but. holy fuck ann needs to quit modeling and start working on her relationship with her parents in a more healthy setting. i really wish her confidant was about opening up to them and saying hey, this teacher sexually abused me, and you werent even here for it at all, and that sucks! you know making her heart stronger by working on herself and making connections because TURNS OUT SUPPORT IS CRUCIAL TO YOUR ABILITY TO DEAL W THINGS ACTUALLY.

overall opinion: i can get so worked up about her but in my defense someone has to. i love her more than anything back when i kinned she was always at the top of my kinlist. she isnt fem i hate when people portray her as fem.

#ask game #i feel like i was mean in this post but i can be so much meaner about her

[chronicbloodynoses]

honestly mbikmb is actually me rn

the drum - i feel such a depressive cycle everyday and im not getting fucked up bc i cant w my situation but if i could i prob would b!

happy news 4 sadness - my ex lied 2 me constantly + my perception of love is actually so fked up after him and i constantly tried 2 change myself and use sexual stuff for him 2 love me (he treated me like shit and then convinced me i wanted too much from him)

sunburned shirts - honestly i see this as a nostalgia where it ends up not being what you remember, he used 2 look at the sun and he thought of it fondly, but it hurt more than he remembered

stoop kid - its me! im stoop kid! ive been so conditioned to my mother's baby-ing and when i try to be independent im not allowed and then i get yelled at for never helping out and im terrified to leave bc shes constantly saying that i'll fail completely on my own! also in my later "growing up" yrs i watched hey arnold LOL

something soon - i feel so strongly abt this song. trying to do things to keep from losing it + cutting off my hopes bcuz i feel incapable, i feel like the only way i'll ever b seen is to cause problems! break shit! my mother talked a whole bunch of shit about my dad so now i'll never ever see him the same despite him never actually doing anything to me! i both fear and hate him and miss him and wish i had a dad!!!!! treating what im going through as the past to keep myself from focusing on my problems so i dont kms!!!! wanting to hurt myself to have some reason to be upset!!!! wanting to express my emotions but never being able to!!!! if i cant feel better soon then im actually gonna lose my shit GENUINELY! i am completely unable to tell my mother anything bc either it has to do w her and she can do no wrong or its my fault how i feel! (fun fact- i got yelled at in eighth grade 4 listening to help let me go danny gonzalez bc of the kidnapping a girl part and my music is "too dark" LOL (she threatened to send me to a mental hospital on the same car ride to school)) this town is freezing cold!!! i need out!!!!!!! im not allowed to do laundry and my mom barely does it and acts like if i literally have no underwear then its the hardest thing in the world and i have to wait til bc shes constantly too tired (girl i just wore my last pair and im NOT wearing the ones with holes in them) wanting to be somethig more and never feeling content. ignoring my problems w content and procrastinating to complete guilt, i want to leave n sneak out (i literally could ive snuck someone in multiple times b4 LOL), if i dont romanticize what im going through i'll ACTUALLY fucking lose it (im already inching toward a breaking point xP) i hate this house!!!! ive grown up in the same butt fuck nowhere town in the same horrible traumatic house!!!!!!! i need!!!!!!!! to escape!!!!!! so bad!!!!!

guys we're halfway through the album LOL

no passion - this song is actually so depressed dancing 4 me but i honestly dont really listen 2 this one much n think abt the lyrics so no comment VERY EXTREMELY sorry for no passion fans i WILL think of u and listne 2 it more

father, flesh in rags - i love/hate this song honestly, like it kinda reminds me of my ex (scoliosis! his relationship w his dad was a big problem of our relationship!) thats all u get it kinda hurts LOL not in a way of missing him but i get really upset thinking abt all the shit i put up w and forgot abt bc of my SEVERE case of rose coloured glasses

strangers - im actually wanting to create are 4 this song LOL anyway this song is less specific 4 me (honestly i burnt out from something soon LOL) but i too am not gonna last much longer! im sofa king sick of it!!!! all of it!!!!!!

lawns - its okay will my dad left too <3

pow - fun fact my great grandpa was a prisoner of war! he was taken while he was in a plane over russia and there he learned the language in his 3 years there n idk if he escaped or was let go but hes honestly such a cool guy like! love him but he died when i was really young so i didnt get much of a relationship w him but if i was a great grandparent i'd be really happy 2 meet my great grand kid so im really happy i got to meet him

open-mouthed boy - i too call god a SHIT and then scamper off

ne way im so obsessed w car seat even if i dont have much to say and im just saying a bunch of nothing burgers i have so much appreciation for everything car seat headrest has done even w the songs i dont like (im looking at you hymn and famous) i know somewhere other people like them n are also so affected by car wseat and its just like wowzerz! love this band sofa king much! cant wait to see them live in june!!!!!

[wewfimapuppie]

idk if i am protecting myself in any way here. but this is my final log.

i am going to have to take the message at face value. i saw the wkrd frighgebed and scared and idk how he perceived what i was doing. i felt like fuck it yknow i might be wrong but this is how its going for me. i felt it was the best thing to do? idk i def said weird shit.

theres no way around it this time. i went manic. i lost my shit. i imagined all that. i scared him.

to me it felt so real dude. so real. it felt like crazg things were happening to me. and i dont have a good support system so idk haha. i hated taking pills. i felt so awful. so i just wanna rely on God for now. and therapy. i'll find a way.

i'll also lay low. wear a black face mask. sunglasses. black beanie. on my way to work and way out. no one will know its me. i'll change and wear a dif sweater and bring a dif jacket yknow i even wanna dye my tips orange like. i feel so embarrassed and i dont wanna see him or have amyone that knows see me. im hiding. im scared. im disappearing. i will just work, head to Tijuana, get uber eats on fridays and some white claws or adjacent when we get comfy. and we dont talk to anyone except maricruz and our coworkwers yknow. stay vigiliant. i rather you dont talk to anyone anymore. we can make friends some other way.

i rather we focus on paying off our debt. and we drop this. we are at a point where we are questioning a text he sent us. we cant do that......

i rather like i said, we lay low, no attention towards ourselves and we wear a mask and domt do shows we are an online act idk. i wanted to be like yahoo lets do shkws z and this happened instead? i went manic? so idk i need to just dont interact w ppl like natasha i look stupid and crazy i have no supplrt to tell me um this is mania.

i can still paint, i can still sell, i can still make music even. but i cant expand or be public in san diego nah nope. i dont ever wanna see him or anyone. this is embarrassssing dude.

lets jjst keep it simple. food. paint. youtube. spotify. cookies and weed. some alcohol. lets just chill yknow? like back to the status quo? but this time we start fresh i guess. but for rn i rather be alone lmao. i feel cringe.

hopefully i can just focus on the job and getting my life together. thats all i can do. ni modo yknow? what else can i do? stay stuck on this? lets just move on. and focus on keeping ourselves afloat. safe. we will be okay. i still want to pray.

the last thing i'll say though is idk why he said that he blocked me bc i sent him noods when

1. he hearted them

2. he djdnt blkck me

3. i blocked him that time

4. i didnt sent him noods this time?

also i specifically have not mentioned his name jjst ryan and my complaints are like... justified?

so my theories on that is...

1. that... wasnt him...

2. he is like.... a psychopath and it isnt even me!! to twist it. make me feel like i went crazy??

3. hes saying a lie to cover why he really blocked me and its i seem crazy.

its just weird he said 2 wrong things. that i ever falked shit abt him and that i sent nudes now kr that he bloxked me when i did it 3 years ago? like he has reason to say jt was fhe Gkd stuff....

he also just ignored anything i said. about the holy ghost stuff. he didnt talk about God at all. the message was like in broken english it was weird. maybe he was scared? but why say a lie ljke that? when i felt its either im crazy or im...on to something. .

and why did he unblock me at all? to warn me or settle it? its still weird to ignore my one accusation. bro. whats with the staring.

but idk its weird like its enough where theyd know what happened. the email. the calling. ryan. the other subtle ways of contact.

so idk i think he couldnt say its bc you seem crazy and he gave you that reason as to why he blocked you even if it doesnt make sense. eventually we're gonna have to accept this is his response. idk abt what he knows abt me and ryan but i know he knows that unsolicited nudes thing is whack bc be liked them and he never blocked me i blocked him... so wtf.

i hate that this wasnt to me, a proper response. like ok i was frightening shit. but wait ur saying u blocked me? nah u blocked me now. no njdes. so idk what to make of this response. to believe it? theres an incorrect factoid.... that isnt it. so shit what now? now that is what will drive me crazy is saying that shit when that didnt happen.

thags what makes me think maybe he was a... cooky guy. bc hes lying. hes manipulating the situation. he didnt explaim himself. just said i was scary and a lie.

idk what it is at this point. him. me? what are the next steps? well... i rather we pretend it didnt happen. im never contacting him or seeing him. im leaving him alone. i dont want to make it worse. i can find "normal" love like tanner. no celestial shit. just hey we fit.... i wish it was normal. i'll pray for it.

but we forget him Riv.... he's gone. whatever it is you thought... his response, whether you believe it or not, could be his real response. and theres signs that your perspective is skewed. and this is it.

i know the nudes thjng sticks out to you Riv. but what are you supposed to do with that suspicion? i cant go see him and be like "was that really you?" like shiiiit no. so now what?

that is why i wanna tell you this; i need to feed you and pay your debt so im getting u a job. but i will also tell you this; if its meant to be it will be. if that isnt him, the real him will appear. but if not, you have more to live for

so. we forget any of this ever happened. we are in incognito mode. we keep it chill. focus on your mental health.

start working. start forgetting. get good at hiding. keep it simple. we can walk away from this bruv. who says we need to acknlowledge this happened? im dropping thjs. even the lie. it could be a cover up to a harsher feeling. we was nice enough to wish me good health....

i will be w say sd and just surviving. this is my last zane log tbh. for my safety and wellbeing.

[qrichas]

vent post. fandom neg, not abt any specific situation, feel free to ignore and scroll past

i get so tired of the overprotection the fandom has regarding characters and actions sometimes it feels too annoying to bear seeing stuff anywhere anymore. i understand when its done with the purpose to avoid miscaracterization from people who dont watch them and try to paint anything they do as the completly opposite or even false stuff at all also ofc its natural to have a bias towards your favorite, you like them and want people to understad them. but its tiring as fuck seeing posts like "how dare x character say something about y like that" when y character did something that bothered x and its normal they react like that, or "the situation between a b c and d is so sad bc no one takes into account a's feelings about this and how much they went thru" when 'a' never communicated properly what they go thru neither b c or d interacts in their pov the moment things happened, being impossible to know what happened without metagaming, or "h never gave any reason to distrust j about this" when they dont need to, even if its a tragic situation, characters will simply choose if they want to trust someone or not.

and the "trust" part is also something that makes me very pissed bc ppl act like any minor misstep someone makes is a "break of [characters] trust" and that they should isolate bc theyre oh so sad and no one cares about them and life is tragedy for them. when the people on the server are literally friends in real life and not always theyre gonna be full time roleplaying so ofc theyre gonna want to spend time with people regardless if their characters have beef with each other. i get you want to engage with the themes that are presented with a character and the story in general and discuss the analysis behing it but not everything is to be taken 100% seriously in need of deep discussions or long threads, sometimes things can change in the blink of an eye if the cc wants to, bc thats their character and their playstyle and they can do whatever they want with it. and i say this as a person with favorite characters, favorite themes i like to engage and discuss abt them, and that wants others to understand their actions and how their trajectory in the story is non-linear. but im also aware i dont need to excuse everything they do to make them seem like they're never wrong in any situation and theyre in fact the one who suffered most and people who are reacting negatively or having their own opinions abt them are, in fact, wrong and never understood the character as a person. not everything is abt your main pov and you have to be aware of this (tho its fine to joke like "they did nothing wrong!!!!" i myself do that, just be self aware). even if i dont like the way a character reacted to something my favorite has done/said (because its normal to be upset abt these things) or i think its unfair, its literally not on me to say what that character does or has to do and only them can choose what to do abt it, because after all this is a medium of semi improv roleplay, its not a fictional world with fleshed out characters with a start and an end. the ccs will say or do things they dont actually mean to say or do in character sometimes, and without counting the language barrier factor. anyway, ppl are free to complain abt stuff thats their blog and their own opinions and they can keep doing whatever. however ill be blocking posts and blogs that annoy me to no end regarding this situation in specific and then enjoying what my mutuals are posting or talking abt. i just wanted to put this vent out here bc thats something ive been bothered with for a long time and i cant vent this properly nowhere else lol.

#me.txt #fandom neg / #long post /