#and i'm fixing it but god it feels so stupid

[unpretty]

the thing about having been really broke. averaging $500 a month in a good year broke. using a gamestop credit card i shouldn't have qualified for to buy taco bell gift cards for food broke. is that i am SO bad with money. i have a degree in accounting and i am so bad with money. i do not think of myself as superstitious at all but money feels so cursed. not in a spiritual way, i mean literally. practically.

having 'too much' money feels so bad. money is a thing you spend as soon as you get it because it's so cursed. the more it is the more cursed it is. i save too much money and bad things will happen that cost all my money. money is a thing that summons expenses. if i have no money and the car breaks down i find a way to make it work. i scrounge and resell and pass the hat and talk to my mom's friend's friend who knows a guy and in the end i'm so relieved to be right back where i started. but if i were saving my money for a new computer and then the car broke down, the money is just gone. i spent the money i saved for a thing i wanted on a thing i needed instead and after all that hoping i'm right back where i started.

i get a windfall and i set the money aside because if i'm careful that's enough to pay for gas for months. but then i need to pay for heat and i apply for assistance and they look at my bank account and see i have money and now they won't help pay for heat. soon it's just a habit. i get the money and i spend the money. immediately, as soon as possible, get this money away from me. don't even save enough for cigarettes. i can find money for cigarettes, somehow i can always find money for cigarettes. cigarette money is a weird magical fake money i summon from dark corners whenever i run out of cigarettes. i don't know how it works either. i've tried to summon the cigarette money for things that aren't cigarettes and it never works. just get this out of my bank account. get it out of here before something notices there's money here.

anyway i'm working on it but god it's hard

#original #i think i've made this exact same post before but everyone politely ignore that my memory is bad #i was doing better and then it all crashed and burned in the last couple months #and i'm fixing it but god it feels so stupid #i'd finally worked my way up to having Savings. Any Savings At All. where did it go. #how did i spend that much on pennywhistles and moonpies #that shouldn't be possible that's illegal

[musical-chick-13]

.

#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about. #that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF... #like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy) #but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick. #like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!! #and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!! #*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore! #In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

[running-in-the-dark]

I know I've been particularly incoherent for the past few days (again), and it's so dramatic and ridiculous but it seriously feels like something is punishing me. I just want to like things a normal amount. I just want to like people and characters a normal amount.

I don't want to become so fully obsessed that literally nothing else exists and thinking about anything else feels like my brain is being stabbed with a thousand tiny knives. I don't want to need to find every piece of information I possibly can on whoever it is this time. I don't want to feel like I'm (literally) losing my mind when I see them. I don't want any of this!

I can not believe that I exist as a human being on this stupid planet just to get obsessed with people over and over and over again forever.

#like it's not. fun. it's not 'oh haha I just like this guy a lot :3' no it feels like. dying. #like I said I know it's fucking dramatic I know. but it feels SO BAD #and sometimes SO GOOD because nothing else gives my brain that feeling but god damn it most of the time it's just painful #maybe I should try drugs #probably. #maybe I should start drinking again #that made it bearable #but no that's. stupid #but my god how am I supposed to go through this again and again and again so many times in a row #I don't know how to explain how fucking devastating it is to attach yourself to. some stupid idiot (I'm sorry I don't mean that.). only to #not really care anymore after a couple months #what do you MEAN. I literally love this person with every stupid fibre of my stupid being and now he's just. some guy again?? #I don't know. how. not to do this. it's not a choice! it's not something I DO. it HAPPENS to me. #and it only doesn't happen when I'm so depressed that I want to actively die. #anyway yeah it's about John Larroquette and Dan Fielding and Jenkins and yeah I'm the fucking stupidest fucking dumbass on earth #someone hit me in the head to fix my brain please #and seriously this is not normal. it can not be normal. this is not how normal people feel about stuff. it can't be #I think this is why I don't get fandom culture. and shipping specifically. like. no I'm not. I'm not enjoying these characters. I'm not #watching this show and thinking aww these two should kiss :) #I'm. not there anymore. I don't fucking exist. all I do. is think about this person. I can't stop it. #I am not a person when I don't feel like this. I'm not even real. I'm just whoever I'm obsessed with. I say that so much but that's how it #feels! I'm not real. #so anyway when I say 'haha I'm fine' what I mean is no I'm not someone make my brain work right please #I just. see him and start crying. because it's so overwhelming. #maybe I should find a therapist and hope they speak English and show them this post :) #haha no that's ridiculous I could never mention this to a normal person #guess I'll just keep driving myself to insanity with this crap. #personal

[kaythegayest]

Boom superhero au stuff. I have school tomorrow so I'm going to do this relatively fast.

By the way, sorry this looks so bad, but in my defense it's like 2am in the morning.

The prompt was "this seems like a bad time to fall in love"

Did I make Midna work under dark link? Yes

was Midna tasked specifically to kill or kidnap Twilight? Yup.

Does this mean their are other people working under dink going after the others? You bet.

Is Twilight completely in love with this woman who's trying to kill him? Of course.

Would she actually kill him? Maybe?

I'm sorry but i just loves the idea of Midna trying to kill Twilight and Twilight just using the worst pick up lines because his brain short circuits every time he sees Midna. Bro her hair took me so long. It's painful.

Anyway here's a short fic for funzies

The air was a bitter cold, biting at his skin, whipping his hair around, clawing at his clothes, blowing it's cold winter frost up and down his arms.

Hylias sake, Twilight hated winter. He hated the cold, the thing where snow wasnt sticky enough and just made slush on the side of the road, he hated how the radio stations started playing Christmas music too early, he just hated all of it. If there was one upside it was that he had a excuse to stay in his house more days then not. Patrols were always shit though. Chasing criminals between alleyways, with the snow soaking through your shoe. Fucking horrible if you asked him. Sky of course, though winter was great. Thinking of hot chocolate and snowmen. Time however, the only other one in the facility Twilight ever talked to, agreed with him. Winter was overrated. Maybe Wild would have a new opinion on the matter. The kid probably liked the snow. Actually, knowing wild he was probably one of this kids who put rocks in snowball on purpose. Little sociopath. Twilight wouldn't trade his protege for the world, but being the number 3 hero and mentoring a illegal vigelate was- eventful to say the least. He continued thinking about inconsequential things, in a attempt to distract himself from the biting chill setting in his fingertips as he walked to his house. Abruptly, his train of thought was cut off as he was flung to the ground. His reflexes saved him from slamming his head on the concrete, but as good as his reflexes were, whoever had thrown him was better. In two swift movements, they were above him, crouched over him, and in the nest he was pinned to the ground, a boot digging harshly into his shoulder blade. He winced at the pain, trying to jerk out of his captors hold. But as as soon as they looked down at him he froze. She was gorgeous. That was his first coherent thought. She had dark russet eyes, complementing deep brown skin. Thick hair curled around itself twisting above him as she looked down with curiousity. "So your the one he sent me after?" her voice was tainted with disappointment. "Pity, i was expecting you to be a bit more-" a pause "competent." normally such words would have offended him, but as he was, he was trapped in the hypnotic vortex of those eyes, sparkling with a deep mischief. There was a prolonged silence as Twilight's deconstructed brain tried to form some semblance of any word. She shifted slightly uncomfortable with the tension in the air. "Well? Say something!" she demanded she paused with a slight chuckle at the man's awestruck face. "Or am i too beautiful that you've no words left?"

#linked universe #superhero/supervillain type au #god i'm so tired #and stupid #why tf did I stay up this late #I feel like I'm genuinely going to throw up #Godddd this was a horrible idea #Yeah sorry for the bad quality #I dont know what spirit possessed me to make this #the writing is garbage as well so sorry for that too #k I'm gonna lay down and either throw up or pass tf out #thank you for coming to my ted talk #wow I just reread it and that writing is shit but I'm too tired to care #Ill probably fix it later #Maybe #Hopefully #this entire thing took me about 6 hours #alright ladies and gentlemen (and other) I'm gonna go and die #Have a good day or night or evening or whatever time it is where your at

[loveofastarvingdog]

emailed them. i think i can access it now but i’m so so tired. i’m. so tired

#i've got an a in one class and. an a- in the other and i can afford to be late except i can't and i hate when i get like this #and i don't know if it's the hyperfixation or the getting less than 5 hours of sleep each night if i'm lucky this week and less than 2 hours #when i'm not lucky. or if it's the numbness or the brain fog. but i've been so dissociated and separate and it's so hard to THINK #to think about the things i love and enjoy. and to have it so hard to think about the things i enjoy and try to think about SCHOOL #and it's my fault for so many reasons but god i am. so tired. i'm so tired #reasonably this could only bump me down to. what? b- in both classes?? depending on the grade i get for the assignments quality #besides the fact of them being late #whatever #i'm so normal and fine and i do NOT feel hazy or like my body isn't real #what if i got fucking ahead in next week's work even though i ''can't'' do today's work.... that's a cheap cop out and a stupid thing to do #but when have i not made stupid decisions ? ha #tim attends… #timothy's txts. #tw swearing #anyways been listening to my song on repeat so you know how it is #maybe reading gay fanfic will fix me ! yay #ask to tag

[dbphantom]

I'm going to fucking throw up from laughing so hard at this

The duality of man.

#Fuck it we ball #I might honestly be sick from all the crying hence the nausea but this certainly isn't helping Lmfao #I'm for sure so overtired my brain int overflowed its depression into laughing at every stupid thing I see #Just to be clear this is my own writing I'm allowed to make fun of it #Something something hurting myself before anyone else can something something #H2O au #It's going down in funky town #Uhhh I finally got to the brotherhood anime part and it still bothers me that they all watched Noct get yeeted off a cliff and nobody went- #'yeah we should probably uh do something about that before he drowns' #So I fixed it #And by fixed it I mean made it 10x worse #Marilith snake lady?? Also scaly and has no legs :) it would be a shame if someone were to hallucinate from oxygen deprivation :) kill me #Noct using his trauma to give other people trauma it's all in good fun or whatever #Just boys being boys #6 chapters later and Gladio is the one who has to unpack this because everyone else in this party is severely emotionally repressed #Gladio is the only emotionally healthy person here. God help him he's going to fucking need it #Which is such a fun spin on the tough guy trope #Because like. Looking at all them you'd think it's Prompto? Being the 'cheerful one' trope. But Prompto is Prompto. #Noct is just straight up depressed and I felt that dude #Ignis hasn't been allowed to feel anything since he was 7 lest he accidentally boil somebody alive #Which leaves Gladio. Good luck dude. You are going to need it. #H2O au? More like Gladio moonlights as a therapist au #Cruddy rambles

[possiblytracker]

ok so im still not fully intending to just drop everything and Move there it is fully not feasible and i already get 3 Cautionary Tales in my askbox a week but at a certain point of catching myself signing up for airfare price alerts and tentatively perusing the international transfer section of job sites while browsing, all while sighing dreamily like a teenage girl kicking their legs on the bed, i think i just need to admit i have been in a little bit of abject fucking agony over being Here while all my cool friends are over There

#had to tackle the tough question of where and how i'm gonna live after i graduate #and every single time i have to think about it i veer closer and closer to Not Here. eventually. one day #like no im not in a rush at ALL but also a bitch can dream #i at least need to visit again. or get my friends to visit me. pspspsppspss #like idk what im gonna do after i Actually For Real Move Out. i dont have a car or roommates lined up or anything. or any job prospects #and i know leaving the country is expensive and will do the OPPOSITE of fix that so thats why im not gonna #like it would be stupid of me to pretend id be able to do it without a problem having zero savings and no plan #but dear fucking god in an ideal world....... #grwuh living at home isn't helping the fact i just feel Lonely it sucks here

[elaeomyxa]

Pain and suffering and pain

#FUCK!!!! SHIT!!!!!! #i know that fucking crying over mildly fucking up a poster is probably indicative of me feeling like shit in general #and that this was just a catalyst for a long needed breakdown #but i'm mainly just upset over fucking up the poster i was working on #the composition was so good. i've literally spent so fucking long aitting and waiting for it to dry and getting headaches from spraypaint #and i fucked it up! and the worst part is that it isn't even Bad #it's just fucking. mid now. #i went and fucked it up with my shitty fucking lettering because i'm a painfully mediocre human being #it had such a good composition. it looked so fucking cool. and now it's Fine. #now it's fucking obvious that it's a high school project made in a single evening #and i have no time to fix it and i dont even have anyone ti bitch to #god i feel so fucking stupid. it could have been so good. fuck. #i want to fix it. i want to go back and start from scratch and rip it up and rip my fucking hair out #but i'm so tired and i started working on it 9 hours ago #and i don't have 9 more hours to spare #i need to sleeo and go to school and do the million other things i willingly signed up for #…it looked so good. fuck.

[bunches-of-lilacs]

thriving haha

#that is a lie #i am not thriving #first of all one of my friends who told me they liked me last year was like #'i thought my feelings for you had gone away but now they're coming back and i hate feeling like this it's stupid' #so #and then!!!! #my phone decides to fucking break!!!!!!! #so i'm gonna try to take it to get it fixed tomorrow but #jesus christ !!!!!!!!!!!!! #killing myself oh my god #sigh #i just need someone to take care of me i'm tired of this

[darkdragon768]

If there will be a Let's Go Johto, in the same art style of Let's Go P/E but with the regular battle system like in all the other main games, it'd be the best pokemon game for me. Even topping black/white 2.

Let's Go P/E is sooo fucking beautiful and just captures the child like universe of the pocket monsters perfectly.

I'm not a genwunner but man, those games are gorgeous and I appreciate them.

#dragon's stupid thoughts #pokemon slander time! #a pokemon present will very likely air in a bit more than month and I'm scared but also excited #jfc #but I'm so serious #and if they fix the awful level curve too #woah then THAT'S what I'd call the perfect poke game #that's my dream #i feel nostalgia to gold and silver #and hg and ss were the best remakes #so please don't mess this up #this has so much potential #I'd even take some god awful gen 5 remakes if we get such a let's go next

[demigod-of-the-agni]

hm.

#agnirambles #bit of a Rant haha #this makes no sense out of context like why are you still here lol #okay look i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. i don't know what i did and i don't know and i'm sorry #i'm sorry for not knowing how to fix things or how to move on. i'm sorry that i couldn't be better for you #and i'm sorry for not. being good. #i'm sorry that you found out that i actually suck as a human being. i'm sorry that you learned that i'm terrible and just. i'm sorry #you don't deserve me and maybe staying away from me is best for you. it's always good if you're away from me. because i am terrible #and sticking close to me means you will get hurt by all the stupid things that i do. i only hurt people #and i'm sorry #but. i want to know. what did you think of me when you cut me out #i just want to know. i just want to know but it's not right of me to know because i don't have the right to know #but it's not the fact knowing you hate me now. it's not that you moved away from me #it's the silence of not knowing. it's the gap. it feels like nothing. it's been eating me up for months. my brain is convinced we were- #-having so much fun just yesterday. but i wake up and im just staring at the scorch marks i left in the ground. the marks that drove you aw #im sorry i ever did anything to hurt you. i didnt mean to #i honest to god never meant to hurt you. i dont even know what i did #i never know what i did. because thats how horrible i am yk? cant even figure what i did. pathetic #i never manage to let good things last i always ruins things one way or another and im sorry you ever knew me maybe you would have lived li #more peacefully without me #but its okay #you dont know im saying these things #i feel too much with a heart that doesnt know what to do with itself i just wish it didnt know how to feel why do i always feel #just. im so sorry. whether you see this or not is meaningless. youve cut me out completely (good). but i hope you are doing okay #i hope you're doing well. i hope you're living life well. because even if im paying the price for whatever i did. knowing that you're okay #means much more to me. #bye friend. im glad you're doing okay #hopefully now we can put it behind us. we can live on our own now #(but im sorry that you ever learned of me) #(im sorry you thought we could be friends)

[allbluesanji]

x

#heidi.txt #GOD this stupid 'no remembered tags' thing is still making me so fucking angry #i've sent in several support tickets and heard jack shit surprise surprise #why does tumblr keep actively wanting its users to have a bad experience and low engagement???? #do they think this will keep their userbase? actually attract new ppl? make anyone happy AT ALL? #it's so aggravating and counterintuitive i'm boiling with rage #i feel like i usually have a decent tolerance for tumblr bs but GODDAMMIT FUCK YOUUUUU #fix your fucking shit!!!!! stop saying 'nothing today' on the changes blog when you keep pouring gasoline on your dumpster fire!!!!! #this is an essential feature this is how you can communicate this is how you keep blogs running smoothly #i don't give a single flying fuck about being able to reply to posts with my sideblog or w/e #i want my basic features to W O R K

[kringelorde]

if I have to replace my oil pump before summer ends I’m going to start mailing GM parcels of piss

#spext #fuck meee fuck meeee it better just be my sending unit or BETTER YET my stupid little piece of shit fake dummy gauge #bc god knows GM never bothered ACTUALLY making half their gauges show real information #I wouldn't be UPSEt that the oil pump went out on an engine with almost 200k on it but I 1. don't have the money 2. hate the idea of #driving 200 mi to houston to do it 3. don't have the time off and #4. don't want to do it in 110F heat #it doesn't help that it's a bottom-of-the-engine replacement and I believe it sits under #my fucking crankcase pulley which OH BROTHER that's a big bitch to pull #so I have to lift her and really make sure she's STABLE bc I'm going to be yanking that shit around from underneath and I do NOT feel like #having my fucking ribs crushed in th eprocess #mad pissed angry mad pissed angry angry mad pissed #I dunno if the pick up tube is a cheaper fix if that's all it is but it still necessitates the pulling of the fucking pump probably #and at that point like I may as fucking well just do the whole thing UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU #unless I can get to it by pulling the oil pan #my oil pressure doesn't make sense which is why I'm HOPING it's actually something topside bc it bounces like fucking crazy and sometimes #goes up when I give it more gas and sometimes it drops and can hit zero but the engine still turns just fine #despite power being cut substantially (partially bc there's an in-built killswitch in these cars where if the sending unit sensor doesn't #detect oil it'll limp and shut off the engine to prevent damage and I know this bc my fucking stupid little #piece of shit sensor snapped in half so it would loll about and sometimes lose contact with the membrane to detect pressure and just shut #off randomly until I pulled over and the force of hitting my brakes from 80 mph would shove it #back in place like that little fucker was just FLOPPING around back there and it is a metal cylinder the size of a lugnut socket #) but it makes me real fucking nervous bc I do not know EXACTLY what a shot oil pump #will do when it really goes all the way out on my engine but I do NOT have the money to rebuild her #and I would rather kill myself than get a new car she's my fucking BABY #GUH.

[syrinq]

again life loves hitting me in the knees and then snapping my shins in half by throwing a wave of unfortune my way by the most stupidest and inconvenient means possible

not even by affected friendships or broken bonds or whatever but by first killing my barely-1-yo-tablet by giving it the gift of image ghosting, during the great timing of my first membership subscription to artfight

then life loves pissing on my obliterated legs by shoving a bug underneath my desktop monitor out of all fucking things, only removable by slamming an electric toothbrush at it and hope for the best, OR by unscrewing the whole fucking ordeal, OR by dealing with permanent ''dead pixels''/''haha so funny it's a bug! i'm a quirky redditor and i love posting overused jokes in a stupid reddit thread'' for the rest of my life until i get a new monitor

#sy.txt #my stupid ass unable to deal with any dead pixel ever and the overwhelm of what life throws my way: :) #like okay great i fixed the issue but having dealt with it literally does not make me feel better at all :| it just makes me tired as fuck #life would've been. admittedly blander. but so much easier. if again. i was a karen entertained by merely shopping for bath bombs. eugh. #like you think i WANT to be extremely picky about my wants and needs in certain products that is totally a fucking first world problem? #god. i wish i were one of those people who could just look at a plastic storage box and go 'yeah that's fine!' and gets it without issues #or who could just. adult without it being utterly exhausting even in the ''smallest inconveniences'' possible #(akSUallY voice) wELL it COuLD be wORSe. yeah well kid i've seen the horrors 👍 that statement is in the top 10 most unhelpful shit to say #tedtalk over i'm going to roll over and actually continue nimona after mulling over this crap for several hours. HOURS! FUCKING DAMN

[lena--beana]

.

#help i keep ruining everything good and i don't know how to fix it #i just want to be normal enough i just want to recognize i'm about to do something stupid and stop myself for once #for ONCE before i make things worse again please god why is this so hard for me #i dont know what to do i just want everything to be okay again so i can stop feeling this constant panic attack #please god just let me do something right next time i'm begging you please #personal #delete later