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completelypeccable · 4 years

Text

Unfortunately, I thought of a real plot

Can I Have This Dance? (new title)

There’s drama in the Batfam, with a song about dancing somehow worked into each chapter. Something is wrong again, and the family is falling apart. Now, they have to put the pieces back together. But the thing about puzzles is you can only figure out the full picture by coming together.

Chp. 2 We don’t have to dance

The phone was ringing.

Tim was awake, of course. The pale yellow dawn had begun to creep into the apartment, the cozy glow illuminating last night’s exploits. Twin controllers on the floor. Styrofoam takeout boxes that should be in the trash, not on his already messy table. And, his favorite part, his brothers snuggled together on his couch.

He had been perfectly happy to take the chair.

Tim looked at the caller ID. Bruce. His fingers found the power button, sending it to voicemail.

It was the first call since he carried Damian hyperventilating out of the gala seven hours earlier.

If he cares so much about where Damian is, Tim thought bitterly, let him figure it out. Use those big boy detective skills.

Tim turned back to his laptop screen, where he had been editing his report on the recent Teen Titan mission. The past few weeks or so had been a blur. The team foiled a plot to blow up half of São Paulo, culminating in a chase by air which Tim, as a non-super, had probably no business participating in, but inserting himself where he had no business was pretty much his mode of operation. Then, with that finished and the criminals entering international custody, Tim had been planning on a night of video games and report writing when he got the call from Dick.

Tim glanced at the couch and realized he probably would never quite get used to this sight. He spent about an hour staring between the hours of 3 and 4 alone. Curse Dick and his bleeding heart, his was getting infected, too. It was just so cute.

Jason was lying on his back, one arm behind his head, the other hooked all the way around Damian’s little body. His eyebrows were knit together, so he looked concerned and vaguely grumpy- a sleep softened version of Red Hood’s ‘don’t even try it’ look. He was protecting precious cargo.

Damian had wiggled his face into the skin of Jason’s neck and chest, his mouth just open, face completely relaxed in the deep sleep of an exhausted child. An extended panic attack will do that to you, Tim thought. Jason’s hand rested on the skin of the pushed out belly peeking out of his t-shirt. The kid always seemed to gravitate towards skin-to-skin contact, as if he was finally going through the infant stages of emotional development. Which was entirely possible, considering they were the first people he was truly safe around. The thought twisted in Tim’s gut. Convincing Damian the league’s actions were wrong was about as difficult as convincing him they would never be like them: slow going but definitely rewarding. Tim could barely believe there was a time he would have punted the kid out an open window if given the chance. He felt a bit guilty, but he knew they had both changed since then.

Damian was completely pressed up against Jason, but his feet barely reached his mid-thigh. Even though Jason was a big guy, the size comparison was still nothing short of completely adorable, and Dick, Duke, and the girls had been sent multiple pictures already. The baby curls of his soft, short hair poofed up like they did every morning before he tried to gel them into spikes. One hand twisted into the front of Jason’s shirt.

The weighted Robin-themed blanket had fallen off the couch in the middle of the night, and Tim slipped it back up to his brothers’ shoulders gently on his way to the kitchen.

Coffee was the order of the morning. He’d make a pot: four cups for him, one for Jason. If he had to deal with Bruce, he wanted to do it with some semblance of control.

By the time he walked back into the room, Jason was awake, staring at the ceiling as he ran his hand up-down along Damian’s spine.

“Morning,” Tim whispered, sitting next to him in the chair.

“Nerd,” Jason scoffed, smirking.

He choked and spit out his coffee. “Dude!”

“What? You sound like an old man.”

“Why did I let you stay at my place, again?”

“It’s because you love me.”

“I’d love to hit you.”

Jason was entirely too satisfied. “Can’t hit me when I’m holding a baby.”

Tim scowled into his cup. He couldn’t argue, though. Last night, they realized they didn’t have any of Damian’s clothes at the apartment, so Jason gave him an old t-shirt and Tim got him a pair of boxers with ties around the waist. The t shirt alone went to his knees.

He was tiny.

The phone started buzzing again.

“Tell me it’s not-“

“I wish I could.” He declined the call.

Jason shifted up, swearing.

“Hey! Be-“

“He’s sound asleep,” he grumbled, arranging the kid so he was leaning against his chest, blanket curled around him. “Look at this sleepy burrito boy.”

They gazed softly as Damian sucked in a shaky breath, whined, and cuddled in further, gripping Jason’s shirt tighter.

The phone buzzed.

“Mother- Does he not get that we’re ignoring him?”

Tim hit decline call. “He will eventually.”

Damian’s feet twitched, and Jason held him just a bit tighter, one hand at the base of his neck, the other smoothing a circle into his back. His lips and brows ran in parallel lines across his worried face.

“I don’t think he’s going to wake up any time soon,” Tim said, noting the brood session.

Jason grumbled.

“I’m going to text the girls, tell them to postpone their plans.”

“Mm.”

“Let’s do the zoo trip tomorrow. It looks like Damian is wiped out.”

“Mm.”

“Take today to deal with Bruce.”

“Mm.”

“Give zombie boy here time to develop organized speech.”

“M- wait,” Jason broke out of his thousand yard stare. “What did you say you little crap stain?”

Tim cackled, but held the phone steady.

“Do not send that snap, Tim, I swear I’m gonna-“

“Can’t hit me when you’re holding the baby,” Tim sang, scooting backwards, already hitting the contacts for Steph and Cass.

Jason swore.

…

They laid around the apartment for a few more hours, Tim working on his laptop and Jason reading The Outsiders while Damian slept. Jason kept a shelf of old novels at Tim’s place; it wasn’t uncommon for one to spend the night at the other’s. They kept an eye on each other like that, knowing too much time alone tended to do more harm than good.

The silence itself wasn’t uncomfortable, but Tim could have used a distraction from his own thoughts.

This was a big deal. He and Jason were trying to downplay it, keep it together for the kid, but they knew.

They were essentially disowning their dad.

And it wasn’t like this was a sudden decision either, it had been something on the horizon for months, a serious topic of discussion among the older kids for three weeks now. These past few days may have forced their hand, but the hurt was still the same.

Bruce had never been the ideal parent. He was gruff, he usually didn’t have the words, and he literally had a t-shirt that said “Emotions are my enemy”. But he had loved them. At least, Tim hoped. He had made Bruce his life, let his business become his work, held his mission in his hands like a guiding light. He had been so lonely, left neglected in an old, empty house. Bruce got him out, introduced him to a world that never stopped expanding, and gave him access to the tools he needed to change it.

But lately, Bruce seemed… different. Tim thought when he brought him back, everything would be okay. Everything would be understandable and solid again. Tim had felt so sad and confused without his dad. His grief was overwhelming. But Bruce came back, and Tim was so glad, he was sure that would fix it.

Instead, he was even more confused. His dad was unrecognizable in and out of the cowl. Bruce yelled at him over everything, cut off communication and left. Batman… Batman hit him. Tim touched his jaw, trying to control his anxiety.

Dick had found something, videos deleted off the bat computer. He hadn’t recovered all of it, but what he found was evidence enough. Tim wasn’t the only one Batman was getting more violent with.

There were three videos. The Batman beating thugs within an inch of their life. Screaming at Robin. In one, right after throwing a man off the roof, Batman turned with his armed raised and Robin flinched so hard he fell over.

That was bad enough. But there was missing information, hours of footage gone. And that scared them even more. Tim couldn’t stop his mind from running through every single possibility. He could never shut it off.

A stomach growled, and Tim looked up to his brother trying to flip the page with his nose.

Finally, an external stimulus.

“If you’re hungry, Jason, I can get you something to eat.”

Jason scoffed, finding his nose a bit too large to be useful. “What do you have, pickles and mustard?”

“Ha, ha,” Tim closed his laptop. “You only get the mayonnaise now.”

“Good thing that wasn’t my stomach.”

Another gurgle, and Damian’s face scrunched up.

Tim paused on his way to the fridge and blinked for a minute, not sure if they should let him sleep or wake him up, but by the time he made a decision, the kid’s eyelashes fluttered apart on their own.

His green eyes crossed and uncrossed in narrow slits. When they focused, they found Jason’s chin, and he scrambled to sit up.

“Woah there, squirt,” Jason tugged him back down, going back to rubbing his back. Damian grumbled and frowned, but let his head fall back down.

“Just take a minute, remember where you are and all that fun stuff.”

Tim cleared some room to sit, moving aside paperwork on the table next to the couch.

Damian’s face twisted for a beat before he pushed himself up again with a huff. Tim had to hand it to him for not immediately falling down.

“Alright, Todd. I remember now. Unhand me and I’ll return to Father’s soon.”

“Ha! Nope.” Jason sat up and yanked him onto his lap.

Damian scowled and threw his head back dramatically.

“Do not suffer me this injustice, Todd.”

Tim smirked. Damian was very clearly not yet awake, what with the slightly unfocused eyes and leaning into Jason’s chest. “Suffer”, he said.

“Sorry, baby bat. You’re not going back to the manor.”

That seemed to wake him up more. He jerked around to look at Jason’s nose, then his eyes.

“What?”

“You’re not going back to the manor.”

“Oh,” he said, a blank look on his face. “I am staying here today?”

“Mm.”

“Zombie boy.”

“Shut UP, Tim!”

Tim laughed. Damian still hadn’t gotten off Jason’s lap, hadn’t leaned away from the hand on his back.

“Is Father away again?” He asked instead, clearly confused. Tim would bet his last jar of peanut butter that Damian was still fuzzy on why exactly he woke up on Jason in this apartment.

“Something like that.”

“Father has left me home many times, Todd. Pennyworth is usually around, unless he is with Father.”

Jason didn’t react, but looked at Tim over the kid’s head.

“What do you mean by that?”

Damian fiddled with the blanket, pinching it up and poking it back down.

“It’s just that, he is busy. He’s home when he can be.”

Tim didn’t like the sound of that. He didn’t like the sound of his voice, the hollow loneliness. He suddenly felt pissed.

“Damian,” Tim said evenly. “When was the last time you talked to Bruce.”

“Batman and I-“

Jason tapped his nose, and he crossed his eyes to follow it. “No, Damian. Just Bruce.”

Damian looked at one brother, then the other. They could see the way he was reaching back in his still foggy memory, trying to figure out the answer they wanted to hear.

“No bullshit, kid,” Jason warned.

Damian looked to the side, schooled his face into a blank expression, and looked Tim in the eyes.

“It has been a while. Father is often… upset with Robin.”

Jason rubbed his back again.

“Alright,” Tim said. He was going to kill Bruce. “You’re staying with me this week, anyways.”

“What?”

“You,” Tim shifted to poke Damian’s nose. His eyes crossed, and Jason grinned. “You are gonna stay with me.”

“For an entire week?”

“Yup.”

“And I am not going back to Father’s?”

“Nope.”

“I… do not have clothes.”

“I grabbed a bag when I visited yesterday.”

“You probably missed-“

“Alfred packed it.”

“Oh,” he blinked, glancing back and forth at them. “And Todd?”

“Does what he wants, thank you,” Jason tickled his side. Damian swatted at his face, falling off his lap. Tim caught him by the armpits and helped him back on the couch.

“Don’t make him hit his head. I really don’t want to make an ER visit outside the mask.”

Jason rolled his eyes, then turned, trapping Damian with his legs.

“Get off me, you massive troll!”

“Just when I thought you loved me.”

“Careful, Jason, he’s hangry, remember?”

“I am not!” Damian’s stomach protested the statement, and he looked down betrayed.

Laughing hard enough to rock forward, Tim hit his head on Jason’s knee.

“Now who needs an ER visit?”

“Ugh, you two are the worst.”

“We did not cause you to become an uncoordinated hyena.”

“Harsh words from a chipmunk.”

“Hey!”

“Children, please,” Jason smiled. “We have to feed the wildlife. It pisses off the government.”

Tim stared at Jason for a good long while.

“Okay, I’m not gonna… Who wants breakfast?”

Jason made to stand up, but fell back on Damian, who yelped before being squashed.

“Todd! What are you-“

“Damian,” he whined. “I am so hurt. You called this weirdo over here Timothy last night. Timothy!”

“What?!”

“And you only call me Todd.”

“Get off-“

“Not until you call me Jason!” He met Tim’s incredulous look and raised his eyebrows convincingly.

“Todd, I will stab your kidneys.”

“Will you call me Jason after?”

“Not likely.”

“Boo!”

Damian began to squirm, but Jason leaned more of his weight on him and he growled in frustration.

Tim sighed and dragged a hand down his face. “Jason, it’s too early for-“

“Shush.”

“No,” Damian grunted. “Listen to Timothy!”

Jason leaned his face directly into his field of vision. “Bruh.”

“No.”

“Jason”

“No.”

“Jay?”

“No.”

“Big Jay?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Come on, Dames,” he whined. “I wanna be your favorite.”

“That’s Richard,” he smirked.

Jason grinned at Tim, who started to back away waving his hands.

“Oh, no. I don’t want any part in this, whatever this is.”

The wicked look in Jason’s eye grew worse. He flipped off the kid, just to jab his fingers into his armpit.

Damian immediately began to thrash.

“No!” He kicked the man’s stomach. “Stop!”

“Call me Jason!”

“No,” he choked, “never!”

“I can do this all day, kid!”

Damian fell off the couch, and Jason trapped him between his knees on the floor. He would have hit him again if his arms weren’t trying to protect himself from the attack.

“You have,” he gasped, “no-“ a squeal. “Mercy!”

Jason laughed then. “All you gotta do is say my name!”

“Todd!”

“Nope,” Jason moved on to his belly.

“No!” He giggled, “Stop, I!”

Jason made a goofy face and tickled harder.

“Jason!” He gasped, belly laughing.“ Jason, I yield!”

Jason opened his legs, and he shot out, scrambling onto the arm of the couch.

Jason whooped and held up his arms in victory.

Damian glared at Tim.

“Traitor,” he grumbled.

Tim laughed and held up three spoons and a jar of peanut butter.

“If you losers are done, I have peanut butter and pretzels for breakfast.”

“It’s nearly noon.”

“And we are breaking the fast. Ergo breakfast.”

“Fine,” Damian flopped onto the cushions, hiding his smile. “I will extract my vengeance at a later time for this injustice.”

“Oh, Timmy, the chipmunk just chirped at me!”

“Aw, Jay Jay, he’s so cute!”

“I can kill you eight different ways with that spoon.”

“Do you want us to feed you? With the choo choo train?”

Jason caught the pillow before it hit his face.

“I can and will use lethal force, Todd!”

“Jason.”

“Jason Todd.”

“Baby steps,” he chuckled.

Tim smiled as he scooped his own portion of peanut butter. The sirens in his head were easier to ignore. He watched Jason wiggle his fingers menacingly, then take a pillow to the face

He plopped the bag of pretzels on the table, inserting himself between the two. “Eat your shut up peanut butter.”

Jason stuck out his tongue, but grabbed a spoon.

“And after this, we’re cleaning my apartment.”

Jason looked horrified.

Tim felt no remorse. “If you guys are going to be staying here, we need to clean it. I’ve barely been here the last two months, and I do not trust my own cleanliness.”

Damian raised his eyebrow, “If the pizza under your bed has gained sentience again, I am not touching it.”

“Eat,” Tim glared, “your shut up pretzels, veggie boy.”

“Gladly.”

…

Damian stood and joined his hands together behind his back in a fair imitation of Alfred, if Alfred wore a Gotham Knight’s muumuu.

“I shall put on music, so that the arduous task of tidying this hovel is mildly less gruesome.”

“If you think,” Jason closed one eye and pointed his spoon, “that I’m gonna let you put on a classical music playlist, you are crazier than a bag full of cats.”

“A bag of cats sounds quite enjoyable, actually.”

“Metaphor, Dames.”

“I am aware.”

“And it means?”

“… I am very crazy?”

Jason held up his hand, and Damian returned the high five.

“Alright, ladies. Cleaning time.” Tim stood and took the spoons on his way to the kitchen.

Jason made a show of selecting his playlist titled ‘I Wanna Commit A Crime’ (we’re vigilantes Tim, it’s in our job description). Apparently, emo rock music was the ideal cleaning soundtrack.

Tim laughed at Damian’s concerned frown over Jason’s head banging as he washed the dishes.

He was just finishing up when Jason came in, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall.

“If you have time to lean, you have time to clean,” he grinned.

He turned around, planning on flicking water at him, but stopped at the serious look on Jason’s face.

“What’s wrong?”

“Do you want a list?”

“Jason, don’t do this to me. I have anxiety.”

Jason shrugged, chewing on the inside of his lip.

“I just want to make sure you’re doing okay with all this.”

Tim really didn’t want to deal with this conversation yet. He didn’t want to deal with any conversation.

“I’m fine.”

Jason’s brows became a shelf again. He scuffed his foot.

“You keep doing the finger thing.”

“The finger thing.”

“You know,” Jason huffed. “The thing you do when you twitch your fingers and start tapping out random- I don’t know how to use words, okay? English wasn’t my first language, you butt. Just- You’re upset.”

Tim leaned against the sink. “I mean, I think we all are.”

An ambulance passed by the window, and they watched the lights pass by several floors below.

“I’m glad you came by,” Tim finally said. “You really helped Damian last night.”

Jason pushed off the wall and pulled him into a one armed hug. “I came for you both, you know.”

Tim closed his eyes, leaning his head against his brother’s shoulder. The buzz in his chest felt a little less overwhelming.

A car honked, and a thud came from the other room. Muffled complaining followed. Jason laughed, ruffling Tim’s hair as he made his way to the door.

No rest for the weary, Tim smiled and tied off the garbage. It was starting to really smell.

“Be right back!” He yelled as he stepped out the door, locking it behind him.

He did feel better, knowing that Jason was there. Once Dick came, they could really talk everything over, and Tim would relax then. But he was content at the moment. He would just ignore it for now. He was content. It was fine. It was-

He sent the bag down the chute.

Actually, this whole situation was garbage.

Who did Bruce think he was? When did he ever become the type to hit his own kids? It was wrong, it was so wrong. Red Robin wanted to punch him in the face, especially when he heard him over the comms from countries away scolding Damian for things he told him to do.

And he didn’t care what was going to happen. He didn’t care if he got screamed at, or fired, or- or- he didn’t know! He didn’t care! Tim was not giving Damian back to anyone. Bruce didn’t deserve that kid. He was stubborn sometimes, and prickly, but he didn’t deserve to be treated like that. He had been through more than any of them knew, and he needed someone that loved him unconditionally. Bruce wasn’t that. Bruce was acting like a huge jerk-

He slammed open the door to his floor to be confronted with a man’s back, hand raised to knock.

Speak of the damned devil.

“What do you want,” Tim spat.

Calm down.

He clenched his jaw, because as much as he wanted to fly off the handle, that would probably make things worse.

Bruce turned around slowly. He looked him up and down before putting his hands in his pockets. His smile was easy and so Brucie stupid.

Tim wanted to hit him back.

“You took Damian home last night.”

“Yep.”

“I came to take him home.”

“Yeah,” Tim glared. “No.”

Bruce quirked one brow. He let the silence hang for a beat.

His thumb tapped frantically against his fist. If he doesn’t leave, I am going to do something I’m gonna regret.

“You’re angry.”

“Great job, detective.”

“That’s… fair.”

Bruce shrugged, still smug and unaffected. Tim just glared. He didn’t want to do this.

“I’m-“

“You should go, Bruce.”

Surprise flashed briefly through his eyes before it was replaced by annoyance.

“Look, Tim, you know how Damian gets-“

“Kay.”

“I’m just here to-”

“Nope.”

An exhale.

“I’m just here to take him back home and talk to him.”

“Oh,” the cold in his tone hurt him as he spoke, but it was too late to stop. “Now you’re going to talk to your own kid?”

Bruce stared. Tim stepped forward, the picture of casual.

“Not last night. Not last week apparently. Maybe all month. You’ve been too busy to deal with your own kid, but you’re ready now.”

“Tim, I-“

“No, just shut up, actually. How long did it take you to realize he wasn’t even in the same building as you anymore? Did you even care?”

“Of course I-“

“Shut- Ugh! I’m not doing this for you, B. This wasn’t a babysitting job. I don’t care what you think. You’re not taking Damian back. Me and Dick and the rest of them talked it over. You don’t deserve that kid.”

The flip switched, and Bruce was angry. His shirt pulled tight across his shoulders.

Tim widened his stance.

“And you do, of course.”

“I care about him more than you do.”

“I do care!”

“Could have fooled me!”

Bruce was tense from his shoulder to his fist. Tim belatedly notice he had gotten in his face.

“You don’t-“

Tim threw up his hands and walked past. “Have to talk to you.”

“What? Listen-“

“I don’t have to talk to you. I’m keeping the kid, so-“

Bruce grabbed his shoulder hard, “Actually, Timothy, I have custody, so-“

Huh. Tim turned and smiled, cold and clinical. Just like Janet, they liked to say. Bruce looked unnerved for one satisfying moment and dropped his hand.

Tim stepped close, his nose inches from Bruce’s chin, devastatingly sharp.

“But you don’t, actually.”

“What the hell are you-”

“You supposedly died, remember?” Tim rolled his eyes. “Everyone thought so. Did you think we could just leave Damian in the custody of a dead man?”

“But I-“

“Came back, obviously. But we didn’t change the paperwork. Just in case.”

Bruce looked wonderfully, furiously constipated.

Tim turned his back on him and slowly pulled his keys from his pocket. “So, no, I don’t have to do this with you. You’ve changed, Bruce. And who you are now, you don’t belong raising a kid as emotionally fragile as Damian. I don’t have to pretend to be okay with it, and I don’t even have to like you. Because you have no right to be here.”

“I am his father, Tim.”

“And sometimes fathers are neglectful and abusive.”

The space behind him stayed silent. Bruce didn’t even move. Tim flicked through the key ring.

“And as far as the state and the press is concerned, Damian is adopted. Showed up at age 10, clearly not white. You had adoption papers filed, Bruce.”

“Tim, you can’t be-“

“I am, and you should go.”

“Tim-“

“It’s been so nice to see you Bruce. Let’s not talk again soon.”

Bruce stood a moment longer before turning sharply and storming down the hall. The doors slammed shut, but Tim stood there gripping the keys and shaking. He wanted to scream.

He breathed in deeply through his nose, feeling the cool air travel into his nostrils, down his throat, past his vocal cords, trachea, bronchi, bronchioles, and down to his alveoli. Left lung, right lung, into the blood stream the oxygen diffuses. He thought of Jason tickling Damian, and the kid calling him Timothy as he held him against his chest. He breathed out the waste.

He looked down at his shaking hands, where his grip on the keys drew blood, and wiped them on his pants before turning the lock and opening the door to-

“Timothy!” Damian ran forward, “Timothy you love this song!”

Tim really looked at him, the way his hair stuck up in three different places, the dust streak on his cheek. His eyes danced just like they always did when he was trying so hard to make one of them happy. His hands were out to the side, and that grin. He really was Timothy now. Huh.

He was worth it. This kid was worth it.

Jason danced out of the bathroom just as the chorus hit, singing loudly and mildly off key.

We don’t have to talk

We don’t have to dance

Damian grabbed his arm, dragging away from Jason.

We don’t have to smile

We don’t have to make friends

Jason chased them, sing-screaming along.

It’s so nice to meet you,

Let’s never meet again!

We don’t have to talk

We don’t have to dance!

We don’t have to dance

The song was at least an understandable statement, Tim thought. It was kind of a dance, or a stand off. He knew as soon as he took Dick’s side that he was cutting the last of the ties between him and the man who adopted him.

He was fatherless again.

He watched as Jason tried to get Damian to do the Macarena, only to get a towel to the butt.

He would make it through this.

Jason chased Damian around the kitchen, insisting he try the snorkel, the shopping cart, no the sprinkler!

Tim laughed, even knowing all that he did. That his nighttime gig would definitely change, that he would have to quit his day job.

It will be okay, he thought, when Damian rolled his eyes and tisked at Jason long enough for him to be swung over his shoulders as he jumped around the kitchen.

It might be better than okay, he thought as he opened up his laptop to hit send on one more application, which he had written as Damian slept.

Jason called for help, and Tim let the tension leave his body, exhaled it out in one breath, and joined them. He grabbed Damian from Jason’s arms and was spinning him around the living room by the next chorus.

#batfam #family drama #Damian Wayne #jason todd #Tim Drake #they're good boys #jason is into conspiracy theories #but like #only to mess with the others

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ebi-noodle-doodles · 2 years

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v e n t post

its been week 1 and honestly I kinda give up on this course. I'm interested nevertheless but I'm not cut out to be one- I feel like wasting money. I feel like a waste of space, time, and money.

kinda sucks to be constantly compared to, and what sucks, even more, is that other relatives will know. I'm really pressured to do stuff I know my brain cant. I survived first sem because honestly, I had some help. Speaking of help really gotta get my self diagnosis, self-diagnosis is bad! Man I wish I could just poof out of history for a while and come back when... WHEN i feel like it.

Also, thank you again to those who reached out to me last October, I was a mess really. I feel more drained thinking about my bday is coming up but like it's more depressing than I thought- I don't really have pleasant bdays and this coming one really doesn't look good. I'm kinda lost for years now...ever since lockdown, I don't really know what I have been doing. I want to work and I do think I have potential out of whatever I'm doing rn but there are so many factors holding me back-

I've bawled my eyes out yesterday and just took a day off from the world, had a massive migraine again lol. I really am not cut out to be a student of law. I want to disappear for a moment and not think about these things but time is ticking and my folks arent getting younger.

Its weird but comforting to post stuff like this on tumblr, its such a long post even it wouldn't get attention and that's actually fine and comforting (and the point) ! I'm still challenging myself but I cant hold on any longer honestly, I'm a coward and a crybaby, I act tough and mean but I'm the easiest person to make anyone cry.

I find myself really hard to focus. I tend to have multiple of things going on one job but sometimes also it distracts me. I'm always nervous really, my anxiety yesterday went off the charts. It took me some time to calm down. I want to be better, I want to be smarter, I want to be focused. but I cant.

#vent post

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kleiner2296-blog · 6 years

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My truth:

Last year, I literally had the hardest year of my life. In the midst of all the happy events going on (wedding, honeymoon, family trips, a newborn/infant), there was always this lingering cloud of sadness and emptiness. I was so far in my head, I just couldn’t get out. It was a time where breathing felt like a chore- where most days I would lay around and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. Being a stay at home mom benefitted my depression in many ways. It was easy to put on a facade of a “put together mom, and wife”. Most days, my dishes went unwashed, laundry piled up, and the house went awry. Carter was always taken care of for sure, but some days it was so bad, I’d hand him my phone to play with just so I could stay in our dark room, lay around and sleep. Of course it was my anxiety that pulled through whenever someone had to come over. I was obsessive over what people thought of me, and sometimes the judgement that came with it- even if it meant just shoving everything into a closet for the time being. It was only then, that it was easy to just hurridly clean up and make my life seem so picture perfect.

On top of that, without going into any details, my marriage was just a bit rocky, and most of it (in my opinion) was stemming from my irritability and anger/bitterness. There has been so much resentment from many many things that have eaten at me for a long time in my personal life as a whole, and it was an easy target to put onto my husband, and it was unfair to him. I will probably be forever saddened by my behaviors and my choices to act on my emotion so carelessly. But, i’m happy to say that we are 110% again and most of that burden/trauma has been slowly lifted 🙂

I was diagnosed with PPD (For those that don’t know, it stands for Post-partum depression) later in 2016 around november/december if I remember correctly (Sounds crazy but a lot of 2016-2017 is literally a blur- which i would assume just happens with depression???) amongst my already existing anxiety panic disorder. I have had anxiety since I was pretty young, and was first diagnosed at age 16 where I was shipped off to a therapist to “help me”.

I had so much guilt from my failure of breastfeeding and so much stress on my plate from carter’s slow weight gain (Which now I understand he is small because those are his genetics lol... although sometimes it still gets to me). I was angry because it was always me up at night and all day while carter fought sleep (Rightfully so! Cj pays the bills and works very very hard!! we love him! He’s a FANTASTIC father and husband!!!) and the lack of sleep, plus crazy crazy amounts of insomnia stemming from my anxiety, were literally making me obsessive and paranoid for no reason about dumb things. One of my biggest anxiety triggers is time, and so every night i would obsess over how many hours i had to fall asleep and then panic when i wouldn’t fall asleep by that hour, and then repeat, until it was too late to even get a healthy amount of sleep. Unfortunately I took it out on a lot of people over simple small minded things. And if you’re reading this, and that possibly applies to you, I am sorry. I am not proud of how my behavior was during 2016-2017, but please know, that although it’s not an excuse, it also wasn’t completely in my control.

***An example of how bad my anxiety got at one point: I was flying home to visit my parents and carter was just switched to Almond milk/soy milk because he couldn’t have dairy, and I literally went into a full blown panic over how I was going to get him almond milk in the airport/how i was going to feed my child just to get to where I was going. I almost considered canceling my flight over such a silly thing. I obsessed over it for days, throwing myself into a pit of fear that literally swallowed me whole- at that point I called my mom and just broke down- full blown panic on the phone over it. She walked me off the ledge and we came up with a game plan. I’m so grateful my mom understands how bad it can get for me... and over the dumbest things. Mom, if you are reading this, I pray you know how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am for you<3.***

April-June was a pretty scary time, looking back. I was drinking more often than I should have been to cope with my feelings or “lack of” feelings. Not crazy amounts, but enough to raise concern from my husband. I like to have an occasional glass of wine and have a few drinks here or there, but this was really different for me.

My bachelorette party, I got absolutely wasted and ended up having a major panic attack about what a shitty mom I was, right in the club we were in. I’m sure some of it was honestly me feeling typical “mom guilt” for just enjoying myself, but hearing some friends talk about that incident is a pretty sad thing for me. Although it’s easy to laugh about on the outside, parts of me knows how deep that was and how dark of a time it was, internally. I almost feel like it was a cry for help, but came out just as any new mom feeling guilty for “going out” even though I knew it was more than “going out”. It was an escape from reality.

Around March or so 2018, I started to feel like I had just a bit better grip on my anxiety. I was able to relax a lot with carter- even allow myself to let go enough for him to stay the night at someone else’s home. That was a big victory for me. My depression, however wasn’t getting better. I called my doctor and asked if there was any way to help me. She ended up revealing that my Mirena was probably the cause of most of my emotions. This was upsetting because I have an anxiety diagnosis in my medical history so knowing that, my midwife should have mentioned that there was a strong possibility of heightened anxiety and depression. She prescribed me birth control pills to take ALONGSIDE my mirena. So now, at this point, I was on some form of progesterone and the estrogen provided by mirena. Talk about hormone overload.

So a little more background info.... My insecurities started really taking a hit on my mental health as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that i’m just a vain girl. It’s who I am and I am okay with that. I’m in a vain industry, as a cosmetologist! Oh well! So with my mirena causing a lot of these mental health issues, my face also started breaking out even more due to the levels of estrogen it had. **Currently, my face hasn’t gotten a ton better, but enough for me to start to see the light. Sounds silly, but my acne was also a strong contributing factor of my depression at the time.**

The birth control pills my midwife prescribed were also supposed to help that issue as well. I gave them a shot, and unfortunately they didn’t help much. I have a nurse who comes to see me every 2 weeks to check on carter and answer questions I have or give me info about being a mom (I found this program through WIC, and have seen my nurse since I was pregnant every 2 weeks!! Highly recommend!!), and she and I discussed my options. After another panic attack during one of our visits together, she urged me to get some help, and we decided that taking my mirena out was probably what was best.

But here we go... *cue adulting problems*. We didn’t have insurance that covered the removal of my IUD. It was going to cost $400. So I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up- I mean, depression/anxiety is nothing when you live with it for a long time, right? I kept that mirena in until June 2018. We finally got advice from a family friend, and she recommended her doctors office who went above and beyond to make sure that my insurance would cover it. I got it removed!! I shit you not, yall. THE SECOND that mirena was pulled out, (NO EXAGGERATION), that cloud that had been hovering over me for so long, started dispersing- poof. just like that, i felt 100 times better.

This leads me to where I am now. Sitting here, typing this long story. I pray that, even though I am willingly putting my truth out there on the interwebs, judgement won’t be too harsh, and that there’s someone who may get something out of this. One day, I want to look back on this blog, and see how far I have come. I want to live a better life, I want to beat my mental illness(es). I want to be better than I was the day before, and I want to feel immense love and satisfaction with myself.

To the future Vannessa:

You are worthy.

You are stronger than your illnesses.

You are resilient.

You are happy.

YOU ARE FREE.

P.S. This is a picture of my tattoo! Seratonin symbol that represents anxiety and depression

#selflove mentalillness PPD depression healing befree

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jet-engine · 6 years

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Well, your Ask box DOES say "Ask me a question or four", so how about #1, #8, #27, and #29? If you don't mind them all.

1. Describe your comfort zone, a typical you-fic.

I like something with a nice blend of world-building and character interaction. I also like to throw in little details that other people in the fandom can read and think, “Oh, remember that from this!” And, occasionally, I’ll throw in a joke or a personal detail that only I understand.

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

I rather enjoy this scene from “Mama’s Boy” (The Anti-Fairies):

“Put him down,” Sanderson said. “I’ll deal with this.”

Carson blinked, the only indication of his confusion. “You sure?”

Sanderson pointed to the floor in response. Carson shrugged, sat the child on the ground, handed the kid’s magic bottle to Sanderson, and flew away.

Anti-Poof called after him, “Yeah, you better float away! You will rue the day you crossed me, you spider-sucking dummy-butt! I’ll burn you! This floor will be lava!” He took a deep breath turned around. “Thanks, Stevenson. Now, if you’ll excuse me-”

“My name is Sanderson,” the pixie said, holding the bottle out of the child’s reached. “Now, what in Grayscale’s name are you doing here?”

Anti-Poof gave up trying to grab his bottle. “I’m not trying to cause trouble, if that’s what you’re insinuating. I just need to know someone’s address, and I know that you pixies have information on everyone in the universe. Or, at least close to that. Now, take me to your leader!”

“You realize he’s not even here.”

“Say what now?”

“Our coffee machine is broken, so he went out to get himself some. But, if you really need this address at this very moment, I can probably hook you up.”

Anti-Poof gave him a suspicious once-over. “Why are you making with the nice? What’s your angle, Sandy?”

“Don’t call me ‘Sandy.’ And, my angle is that I wanna get back to my break before my lunch gets cold.”

This is the first time we see these two interacting with each other. Foop’s just there because he wants something, and Sanderson just wants to eat his lo mein. They’re both next in line for their respective thrones, so to speak, so it was fun for me to write them actually interact. Foop is indifferent to Sanderson, and Sanderson just plain doesn't care.

I also like the way they address each other. Sanderson refuses to use Foop’s nickname, and Foop doesn’t even know Sanderson’s name. Also, only those he’s really close to are allowed to call him “Sandy.”

27. How do you feel about collaborations?

In theory, it would be fun to work with someone on a project. However, I have a full-time job, so my schedule might not coincide with the other person’s, especially if the time zones are different. Plus, I would feel more pressured to do things in a certain way. When it’s just me writing, I can do whatever I want. HP can look into the future through the use of tarot cards? Sure! Meta Knight mashes various fairy tales into an excuse to get away from King Dedede? Okay!

But, if I was working with another person, I would worry that they wouldn’t like my suggestions or not understand my jokes. Or, alternatively, what if I don’t like their suggestions or understand their jokes? How would I tell them? What if they don’t like what I write? What if they’re so good at writing that my writing looks bad in comparison?

Why am I like this? Why am I so introverted and anxiety-prone that I can’t even work in groups on the Internet? Help me; I have issues.

29. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Tough question. There are a lot of good fics that deserve sequels/prequels.

If I had to pick just one, I think I’d write a prequel for Autophobia by dArkliTe-sPirit. Without giving too much away, it involves a rehabilitation program that’s supposed to help prisoners in Fairy World, and Anti-Cosmo becomes an unwilling participant. It’s only a one-shot, but I’d really like to know more about this program and the person who came up with it and how Anti-Cosmo got roped into it and things in that nature.

#i want to socialize but...#why am i like this?#reading and writing #fanfiction #reading recommendations #fairly oddparents #kirby franchise #the anti-fairies #pure hearts and jagged souls #asks

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mcjour · 3 years

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ok i hate this dang website because i have attention issues so i change tabs often and then this tab times out and refreshes and then i lose everything i wrote

so the other day i wrote about my job search and then poof byeee

anyway imma recreate some of it here and now. not perfect. i already got it out once so i probably don’t have to do it again but i like it for posterity’s sake but also it’s just a complicated issue so it wouldn’t hurt to “talk” it out a little more

so i made a pros and cons list for some of the schools/ districts i am considering applying to. which feels a lil silly because like im rating them before i am even applying or getting offers or anything so is it putting the cart before the horse? i mean i don’t think so, it’s helping me see what i want in a school and it also helps me prioritize where to apply (like don’t apply in a “bad” district first and then accept the first job you get kind of a thing. granted i would hope i wouldn’t be applying somewhere “bad,” i mean that more as a loose and relative term)

anyway the school that won out was actually the school i attended when i was younger but that gives me so much anxiety idk if i can even go through with it hahah.

i’ve also been looking at postings online with like a 25 mile radius kinda thing (that radius is too big but it’s complicated once again lol). i found a posting for a school that’s like 10 min from my house, but in a different town/state. and idk i just felt really drawn to it. there wasn’t anything special about this school like AT ALL. i mean, it didn’t seem bad or anything either. but it just didn’t make sense the way i am being drawn to it. like suddenly my motivations to apply to jobs suddenly appeared! LOL

i haven’t applied and i’m not sure if i will

because i also decided to finally compare salaries. i never really thought to check honestly. which i know is really dumb. but i figured i was gonna be paid like shit no matter what anyway so whatever.

so this school pays 13.60 an hour i think??? which... is not good... but not the worst either. so i look at the school i used to work at... 13.20 an hour!! omg. and in MA minimum wage is 13.50. so tell me why i would do a long commute (gas $) to NH for less than minimum wage. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. and i really loved that option too. i really wanted to make it work. but there’s like zero justifying this unless i really can’t get a job anywhere else. i don’t have the heart to cross it off my list entirely, like there’s no reason it can’t be a back up... but... damn

the school i said earlier, that was my “top” on my pros and cons is 16.something an hour. yoooo. those $3 add up! that’s like ~$20/day, $100 a week more!!!!

not the best i’ve seen even though. the city i currently live in just upped it to like $24??? that’s freaking wild. they don’t have any openings right now though lmaooo. hopefully they update though because i certianly wouldn’t mind applying there!

anyway so i guess i better stay in MA and not NH. i just found a recent-enough opening for the district next door and it looks like it’s $15/hr which is like a mid road option i guess. i should probably do more research on the other districts in my area (sticking just to the ma ones) and see what the average is.

worse comes to worst i end up at 13.20 at my old school and the money would suck but i would probably at least be happy otherwise.

but yeah i prefer more money LOL

----

so long as i’m talking about job apps

some of these districts really need to update their job postings.

the school i worked for ALWAYS needs paras. when i went onto the website where you would apply, the job listing is literally from 2019!!! no wonder you don;t get anyone applying for the job when it’s from 2 school years ago!!!

same with other districts. they’re not quite as bad. but like if there was a job posting in march, and it’s still up (assuming it just was never filled?) like do you want me to apply under there for the next school year? because that’s ... weird

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zoetic-aerography · 7 years

Text

It’s funny when people can lie and be a total dick and not ashamed of themselves and then block me just on the grounds that I challenged, not even relegated or rejected, their ship. You guys are totally successful in life aren’t you. That is why you can’t politely challenge me back. I noticed many of the Korrasami stans attack me not my arguments. And one made such a stupid argument of Mako bringing Wu to the reunion meeting (So, lemme get this Wu is a future emperor and he needs to be protected and Mako will not listen to Lin Beifong and then Wu would have successfully been kidnapped making Mako, Korra and Asami look bad and that’s okay right?) that I didn’t know what to say.

Firstly, I am happy KA is getting a comic. I needed that comic to answer many of my questions about KA like when did Asami become really interested in Korra and when Korra also thought of Asami more than a friend. Also, having Mike tell that they went to the spirit world to “know each other” is a stupid thing to say. That completely unhinges all the things that KA fans used to say that this is why Asami and Korra are together. Asami and Korra knew each other beforehand, as KA people say, and also I think there is some truth in it. THAT IS WHY THEY ARE TOGETHER. The fact that Bryke knows nothing about their ship was pretty apparent. Even I know more about KA without being a KA fan. And, that is telling something.

Secondly, The KA fandom should be ashamed of themselves, Literally, even if some asshole Makorra fans acted mean to some KA fans during 2012 when the show first started no one was in that emotionally, mental and physical anxiety and TRAUMA after KA fandom started bullying them. You guys are not good people. You may kid yourselves thinking you are. But you are not. Ganging up and witch burning people, making T-shirts out a meme someone even didn’t write which was redacted still the person apologised for, telling people they are not queer basically erasing Korra and Asami’s bisexuality. Who the hell do you think you guys are? This is a bloody ship like Makorra is a bloody ship. I am not gonna strip down people to nothing but bones and then shatter them because they don’t like Makorra or Zutara or any ship. This is like the epitome of being bad people. You know there is some KA fans who actually are decent and actually are annoyed how their fandom acts. They realised that they loved their ship but they also love ACTUAL, LIVING BREATHING PEOPLE. People who go through the same problems as you. People who love and get hurt as you. People who might be facing bullying in real life as you and treat tumblr as their safe place. You know some of those fans maybe closeted queer people themselves, or queer but not so vocal about it or queer and are vocal about it. Just like you. But you made a ship come before them. You basically undermined the very thing KA celebrated. At least when I DO celebrate KA I don’t forget how so many people can like it. My criticisms were aimed at writing and how Bryke handled things not people. And stop it with your catch-all homophobia argument because you guys, I have seen, are biphobic, demiphobic and acephobia. You don’t support each queer category equally. You say KA is representation then you shatter the very queer spectrum it stands for.

Thirdly, I had to write this. I am tired of people vilifying me to the point of me being nonexistent more than ships. I exist. In different dimensions. Our ships don’t. They never will. They only exist in our heads, hearts and media. But we all have to live the everyday world. I am so tired of people dehumanising me to kingdom come. Of me getting panic attacks and feeling like I am being completely pushed outta orbit just because I didn’t completely like one ship. I loved many ships, of many orientations, since 2005 and even earlier. Even before I knew the word queer I have been shipping queerly without my consciousness knowing the words, labels and placement. And, suddenly because I only criticise not even condemn one ship I am like a demon? If I criticise I can criticise well. I criticise because I want the best representation. I want people to look at a show and feel happy and validated and for all posterity. Not like oh maybe they could have done this and that. Why should a show have so many severe failings if they are standing up for a disenfranchised minority? Why should a fandom be so damn divided? Why should people be harming themselves and others? A fandom should be a place where people can rely on each other. We go through so much every single day. No one even asks us. And sometimes that’s okay if fandom allows us to forget. Why should it not? You guys want inclusiveness on YOUR terms. That is the mainstream either/or argument. You don’t want inclusion or a safe place for everyone. You just want everyone LIKE YOU and NO ONE ELSE. This is the problem in the world today. You guys are creating NEW EXCLUSION POLITICS and NEW CATEGORIES then being done with the labeling and excluding. You guys are acting just like the people you hate. You guys are doing it within new categories. How can you just do this suffering as many of you have? Doesn’t this hurt your conscience? Frankly, it should.

Fourthly, I am gonna always root for Korra, Asami, Mako and Bolin. I will support the Krew and I will also support KA when I see it helping people. I have always done this. I will always never undermine how someone relates to a ship and how it makes them feel because it is IMPORTANT TO THEM. I criticise writing and studios because I love writing myself and I know I would do KA hella justice because even if it were not my fav ship I still knew I could not let it go off either way. Being an adult and being a person means to handle your responsibilities to the fullest even if it may be something you don’t necessarily always enjoy and necessarily always like. Frankly, this also happens when you love a ship: your OTPs can cause you frustration. This is how you learn, how you face and overcome challenges, how to grow and connect with others. I tried my level damndest to act as responsibly as I could. I wrote posts because I wanted people to debate and discuss with me, and some of you have. I did not write the posts to hurt anyone and to make them feel small. The responses I got for them were aimed at trying to humiliate me, condescend me, tried to dehumanise me and make me small. This is NOT what discourse or analysis is about. It is about trying to understand and shape better ideas and execution. I even wrote KA fanfiction, have my own KA headcanons (if people asked me they would know) and have seen Korra and Asami with other women of different fandoms. I did it because that is what I do. I have always been a polyphonic and multifarious shipper. Yet, no one knew that about me. Just a few posts talking about KA wasn’t handled as well and poof people came at me with stakes as though I was vampire sucking the life force outta them and needed to be messed up through the heart. It completely hurts. Other people by now would have said EXTREMELY mean things back But I am not other people. I wanted to handle all of this with dignity, grace and understanding. But none of you all left much of that. What you guys left me was the option to leave. It was the “my way or the highway” at work here. And you did cast out others to the highway of desolation. Maybe, you also did this to other shippers like you. Nowadays I see the signs coming up of intra-fandom malevolence. That is also very sad and pretty callous.

Fifthly, fandom has become like 1984. It is either what fandom brother wants or we will cull all out of you that you are driven insane enough, hopeless and helpless enough to look starry eyed, blank eyed and with tears of desperation, and consciousness gone done-down the drain and say “I love Fandom Brother.” Why should things be like that? Why should we make memes out of misquotes and redacted material? WHy should we gang up on everyone and why should we make t-shirts to humiliate others? The fandom who does this can they really say they are part of a minority? The mainstream all act like this thus people who did this are part of that slander and bullying culture. The net, just because it has no libel lawsuits and no seemingly written down codes of conduct, is not an anti-materialist space. Just because we say Cloud doesn’t mean a cloud is not layered and built on things. This is not a scenic landscape of codes and faraway data. This is a space, a bridge where you actually walk, talk and meet people. YES PEOPLE. ACTUAL LIFE FLESH AND BLOOD PEOPLE. Who go through things just as you or regardless to you go through life. Demonising someone takes away their humanity: both their bad and good. Demonising someone makes you try to take responsibility for their actions, good or bad. Demonising someone means you don’t count them human enough. Fandom should not be this. Fandom should be accepting.

Sixthly, Fandom should stand for diversity. And should not go after people who have different ideas of diversity than you. It is easy to say people are prejudiced and discriminatory without knowing them. Actually, read and then try to understand. Fandom people can be young and not know much. Fandom people may be old and not know much. Fandom people ARE NOT ALL WHO THEY ARE AND HOW THEY ARE WITH THEIR SHIPS. You can criticise how they are handling something but ALL OF US SHOULDN’T GOING AROUND SAYING PEOPLE ARE MESSED UP, HOMOPHOBIC, SHOULD BE AVOIDED AND BLOCKED just because they didn’t MEET OUR EXPECTATION of “who they should have been.” We can make requests but we cannot demand unfairly. We must understand that people will take time to understand things and we should be be patient with everyone. If we can wait over 1 year to see a ship in a comic can’t we all be patient with other people? We can. And, we should.

TL; DR: Fandom should not be Fandom Brother. It should not police anyone to the point it is equivalent to a totalitarian state. It should be accepting, inclusive and loving. It should welcome all forms of diversity. It should be kind to people not shipping what they are shipping. It should be patient with others. It should be ashamed of witch burning type actions and not make memes to humiliate people, should not also do that with apparel like T-shirts. People involved in fandom should understand that being an adult and a person means taking responsibility for everything, even work that you may not necessarily enjoy and like, and being answerable to your actions. Just because it is the net and called cloud still means it has layers and materiality. It is not a dimension of non-matter we carry all that we do and say. Fandom should stop being bullies and STOP the intra-queerphobic mentality of one queerness is “more queer” than the rest (yes KA fandom looking at you). Fandom should not call out people as homophobes and other names so callously because words can destroy people’s lives and their reputations. Fandom should grow up.

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jmkitsune · 7 years

Note

1-59

1. selfie

I’m lazy go to my instagram and like one of the selfies I posted recently lol and if you’re not- follow me there too :D

2. what would you name your future kids?

don’t want kids

3. do you miss anyone?

plenty of them yeah

4. what are you looking forward to?

hmm twitchcon this year :D finally get to go

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

all of my friends ^.^ they’re quite good at it in their own unique ways

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?

yes and no

yes emotionally but no mentally, once I close the door- it’s closed, the emotional linger things are what take a while

7. what was your life like last year?

uhhh not good not bad it was life-y

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?

yuuuuuup

9. who did you last see in person?

my sister- she just went out XD

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

uhhhhh I SAY yes....my friends say I’m shit at it soo maybe?

11. are you listening to music right now?

sii

Halcyon- On and On

12. what is something you want right now?

star wars episode 8....twitch con....a puppy

13. how do you feel right now?

alright, can’t complain yet

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?

uhhhh....*thinks*...uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think...last august....unless Eden hugged me after that, but I dunno did Kyo or Eden hug me before leaving on Election night, I forget

15. personality description

Ambitious...very ambitious, driven but easily distracted, oblivious to a lot of things but perceptive to some stuff. tries to be calm and relaxed more than not but winds up stressed and cluttered minded. I think...dunno ask my friends lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahah

17. opinion on insecurities.

they suck...like they ruin great things bout people cause people have all his greatness in them but the insecurities make it hard for them to even live

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

nothing much has CHANGED sooo

19. have you ever been to New York?

I have

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

uhhh just a little faster by there for tomorrow

21. age and birthday?

26, 2/20

22. description of crush.

moving on

23. fear(s)

abandonment/replacement

sensory deprivation

whatever lurks in the DEEP fucking ocean

die hard conservatives

24. height

5′7ish

25. role model

mm I used to always say some streamers and fictional characters but recently I’ve noticed I still look up to them but don’t wanna be them, I just borrow bits of them I like, I am trying to be my own role model now that I’m older

26. idol(s)

see above

27. things i hate

stress, having to work to survive- hey no one likes it I’m admitting that personally hate it, my depression/anxiety, most food lol

28. i’ll love you if…

see if I tell people that they’ll abuse that information, best learn one on one not giving EVERYTHING away that’ll be kryptonite

(but a sneak answer- snickerdoodles- I love those things)

29. favourite film(s)

star wars

30. favourite tv show(s)

futurama

simpsons

arrow

flash

legends of tomorrow

supergirl

star wars rebels

brooklyn 99

31. 3 random facts

I have six tattoos want tons more

still wear my class ring

picky as fuck eater

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?

I think the MAJORITY is still girl, quite a few are guys now, some are non binary/gender neutral so I’d say it’s balanced out

33. something you want to learn

probably everything to some degree

34. most embarrassing moment

goooood question, probably when I got my first kiss, my mom brought me, her, and our friends home from swimming at the local Y, well I walked her to the door, she actually PICKED ME UP kissed me like not cute kiss but like yeah and put me back down before going inside, my mom/friends gave me shit the whole ride home....I was redder than my hair I think

35. favourite subject

history/literature probably

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

see all 3 books of mine published

become a partnered streamer with a community I am proud of

own a puppy and cat in my own place on the west coast

37. favourite actor/actress

uhhh carrie fisher right now

38. favourite comedian(s)

colbert

39. favourite sport(s)

soccah

40. favourite memory

hmmm I still remember watching star wars (the original one) for the first time in my living room when I was like 6, I was like SOOOOOO into the movie and during the trench run I was like running back and forth on the couch asking my mom and step dad if Luke was gonna make it, was the Empire gonna win, I was HELLA invested....and that started my obsession

41. relationship status

single pringle

42. favourite book(s)

grisha trilogy, percy jackson books, harry potter, any of the Star Wars EU (legends and canon)

43. favourite song ever

I’m still here- from treasure planet

44. age you get mistaken for

apparently early/mid twenties? when I shave though like CLEAN shaven probably 16-18

45. how you found out about your idol

yeah see question bout idols lol

last idols I had were twitch streamers who my brother showed me when they were on YT

46. what my last text message says

don’t text soo sorry

47. turn ons

ya know if you REALLY wanna know this one ask off anon just cause then you can get a direct answer lol

48. turn offs

racism, sexism, prejudice (of any kind), intolerance, umm gore (like HELLA gore to the obscene amount), anything like abuse/r*p* and the like

49. where i want to be right now

somewhere NOT HOTH (it’s cold and snowy here...I hate it)

50. favourite picture of your idol

yeah skip

51. starsign

I’m Pisces in human form

52. something i’m talented at

apparently writing scenes that can break hearts :D

53. 5 things that make me happy

friends, video games, puppies/kittens, music, and sleep

54. something thats worrying me at the moment

dentist tomorrow

HATE dentist appointments, partially cause fuck dentists and second cause I have to be awake for like...8 am

55. tumblr friends

@thescarletbxtch @iamthelizardqueenx @lunar-lolo @kyostiel @queen-of-acheron @catherineparrs umm I have a lot actually like I talk to a lot of people on here but if we can on other things (discord/fb/twitter/whatever) we talk on those. I don’t MIND talking on here but if they have options I have we drop this for something else lol

56. favourite food(s)

pancakes, snickerdooodles, grilled cheese, french fries, cucumbers, cheese poofs

57. favourite animal(s)

Foxes, huskies, and munchkin cats

58. description of my best friend

1- constantly stressed out, can’t sit still, enjoys bugging me, short as hell, big eyes, can be cute when she wants to be, loves animals and has to be told “no” a lot when wanting to take in strays

2- clever, like way more clever than she realizes. Pensive a lot but can be loud, in charge and opinionated when you get her going. I buck heads with her sometimes but it’s mostly cause how alike we are. A ravenclaw true and true.

3- smart, kind, funny, dependable, loving, such a deep understanding of people emotionally even when they’re at their brink and want to crawl under a sink to hide forever. They are wonderful towards people and animals alike even if the people don’t deserve it

4- dead pan smart ass, feisty and giggles/cackles easily, extremely lewd but not offensively, loving and cares more for those around her than herself sometimes but allows us to care for her. also do not turn your back on her in a game, you’ll get shot lol she has no shame

5- very bookish, incredible easily fixated on a project they started, tends to be very considerate and needs to think of her OWN well being more than others- speaking of- make sure you eat somethin today dammit.

and they has a thing for trash guys, memes, and loooooooves women, but mostly the ones that can bench press her oh and brooooooody as fuck guys yeah those too lol

59. why i joined tumblr

honestly- I wanted to build a community/audience. I was at the time JUST finishing my first book before getting ready to start publishing it so I figured tumblr was “the new popular place” for that stuff

#Anonymous #askmestuff

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