#and then i can't cope with it either .... which is why i need Mental Help. or epic money

[lyrikmumare]

"message for scorpios for what to expect for THIS SOLSTICE 😆😆" do you want to trigger my ocd so fucking badly i don't take any potential advice you're going to give me bc you're scaring me more. fucking hate future-telling astrology and divination and witchcraft pls just leave me the fuck alone

#clyde.txt #they always say the same thing too like MAKE SURE TO START GETTING A MOVE ON ALL THOSE MAJOR LIFE PLANS YOU'VE BEEN COOKING UP 😋😝 #LIKE I KNOOOOOW BUT YOU'RE PUTTING ME IN FREEZE MODE A BIT AGAINCAUSE YOU'RE SCARING ME‼‼ I HAVE OCD AND YOU'RE SCARING ME‼‼ NOT HELPING #astrology is fun insofar as guessing and assigning fictional character's signs but good lord this is just evil and not helpful to me at all #literally don't tell me what to do or make me feel like if i don't do anything i'll die and live an unhappy life forever and have bad #things happen to me BC THAT'S HOW YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL‼‼ YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO HAVE TO KMS EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO #IDK WANT TO HAVE TO FUCKING. LIKE MANIFEST OR CHEAT THE LIFE SYSTEM yes i'm well aware i'm responsible for my own success and happiness #and i do indeed plan to do something about that hopefully sooner rather than later but also like.... i already worry enough i'll never be #happy and will just have no option other than to kms like.... like? shut up. i eat good food and pet my cats and hang out and talk to my #friends i don't need to be on the fucking grindset. but fine i'll call the stupid healthcare provider tomorrow. MAYBE #if u want me to realize my potential than how about we stop having a world and society that isn't hell 🤔🤨 how abt i don't feel valid in #feeling scared to leave the house...? 🤨🤨🤨🤨 #the problem is i feel justified with the way i feel abt the world so strongly that idk what's gonna happen that's gonna prove me wrong #and then i can't cope with it either .... which is why i need Mental Help. or epic money

[walpu]

I found a really interesting premise that I think you would execute perfectly. The IPC has established a "mental and emotional health department" basically therapists to help with the stressed out or traumatised IPC worker and it's a mandatory thing to have one visit with them. The reader works in this department and when Topaz, Aventurine and Ratio (separately) went in, all probably thinking it's pointless. Reader proceed to read them like a book to the mineut details of their issues. How would they react? Would they come back for another visit?

thank you so much for your trust, it was actually very interesting to write 🥹

being their therapist

characters - Dr. Ratio, Aventurine, Topaz

notes - gn!reader, no romantic undertones, mostly character study

Dr. Ratio

I feel like he would be a bit taken aback at first.

He didn't expect you to go further than a few generic questions about how the latest missions have affected him and suddenly you're asking about his feelings regarding the IPC recurring him.

"Weren't you disappointed? Didn't you feel like your cooperation with the IPC symbolizes you drifting further away from joining The Genius Society? How do you view The Genius Society in general?"

It's a bit too personal for his liking but he has to admit that you are truly an expert in your field.

I can see him rather harshly asking why are you stepping out of the line with your questions since it's hardly concerns the topic of the therapy session. Not because he's too troubled by you seeing through him but simply because of the professional ethics.

When you elaborate that it's the IPC's request to make a full psychological portrait of their workers he just sighs.

His answers are short, he doesn't elaborate much. Sometimes he simply says that the topic you mentioned doesn't affect his mental state in a way that can prevent him from doing his job and leaves it at that.

He doesn't trust the IPC much since he knows better than giving a powerful organization information about his weaknesses. He does feel a certain level of respect towards you and your professionalism though.

Doesn't feel targeted or overly vulnerable even if it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth to hear his insecurities being acknowledged.

Wouldn't show up again. Mostly because of his distrust to the IPC tho.

Aventurine

Oof.

Both of you will need a drink after that.

There's just so much to unpack really.

If you try to ask him about how he feels almost dying at each mission, he downplays it.

If you ask about his childhood trauma, he shrugs it off.

I don't know how many people saw his interview for anan but everytime he's asked about something personal he brings up how he's actually lucky and hiw he should be grateful. So you get tve spirit.

Doesn't matter what your question is, his answer is the same. He survived, he was loved by his family, all his suffering led him to this, so of course he's grateful what are you taking about ha ha!

Look at his voicelines too, praising the IPC and all that. He gives you this generic answers and hopes you'll buy it.

Well you don't but you also can't force him to answer more honestly.

He himself would be deeply troubled by you reading him like that. He feels weak, defenseless. Like all he has done to protect his inner self was for nothing since you can see through him like that.

0/10 experience he won't show up ever again. Nothing personal against you, he just can't do it. Plus he doesn't trust the ipc either so.

Topaz

Honestly the most normal one.

She will at least try to be honest since she trusts the IPC (maybe a bit too much, which is also a coping mechanism and not the healthiest one, but you can't really call her out on this since you're working for the ipc and, let's be honest, they would not respect their workers' privacy, they WOULD force you to give them their personal information if needed and you don't want to make it worse for Topaz)

She may be a bit taken aback at first but it honestly feels good to talk about her struggles and inner conflicts. And I'm sure she has a lot of those since she's actually trying to do good things, still believing that the IPC can bring positive changes.

Will probably share her experience in Belobog with you.

Will use your meetings as an opportunity to sort out her feelings about her missions.

Has a lot of respect for you personally and actually tries to do some soul-searching to make your meetings more productive.

The only one out if the three of them who would come back

#hsr #aventurine #honkai star rail #topaz #dr ratio #hsr topaz #hsr aventurine #reader insert #walp's writing

[nalyra-dreaming]

I'm sorry but I can't believe sex in ep6 even topic of discussion.

1)Why would they go to such lengths and spend their time and resources on making floaty sex, if it didn't mean anything and didn't serve any purpose? What purpose did it serve? Well, the first and last time we also saw floaty sex in ep1 and it was clear representation of connection and pleasure that sends you flying to Saturn and back. So, logically, ep6 sex too supposed to show connection and pleasure.

2) Next point (i'm not sure about this one tbh): perhaps there's one more parallel to ep1 scene - Louis "didn't consider himself a homosexual at that time" and we see cut to him having enthusiastic sex. In ep6 he was telling Daniel about being numb and we have cut to him PARTICIPATING in sex and not just lying there like a corpse.

3) They literally included Lestat stopping and checking on Louis and not doing anything before Louis kissed him. He noticed that Louis wasn't mentally there and stopped. Clear indication that Lestat wanted CONSENSUAL sex, if he truly didn't care he would just proceed to fuck Louis because Louis wasn't stopping him.

4) Give Louis a little agency, would you?(general you, not you, Nalyra) As I said, we didn't have any indication that Louis wad pressured into it, that lestat didn't care about Louis' consent and pleasure. Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you're incapable of making decisions. Louis' kiss was him reassuring lestat that he's here with him. He KNEW that lestat needed reassurance to proceed. Lestat can't read Louis' mind, he can't be 100% if Louis wants it or not, so he has to rely on what Louis TELLS him with words and body language. Louis told lestat with his actions that he wants him to proceed. That's Louis' decision, like it or not

5) I know fandom likes to act like Claudia is mentally 14 forever, but for majority of story she's grown woman. I'm actually not sure if she truly thinks Louis wouldn't mind her being in his head while they're having sex or she's actively disregarding his boundaries (that he didn't establish) but there's fact: it's weird. Maybe she thinks she's helping Louis to "cope" with sex because she's projecting her trauma with Bruce on Loustat (which is understandable!) but for me Louis' sounds uncomfortable, and resigned, half-heartedly trying to deflect Claudia. "Anywhere sounds like nowhere" - for me it was clear that he doesn't really want to leave and doesn't want to have this conversation but he fails to say it outright and shut down Claudia. So he just makes up excuses not to leave, avoids telling NO, and blocks his mind when Lestat notices that something is wrong.

So, my point, that cut from Bruce to Lestat was Claudia's mind coming to comparison. She thinks Louis does it to appease lestat, she's probably tries to help telling Louis about her escape plan, she views Louis' reluctants as fear of Lestat and that's it, when probably main reason is Louis simply not wanting to leave.

I'm so sorry for long essay, hope you don't mind! Love your work and blog:)

:) Glad you like.

And yeah... I cannot believe we're at this point again/still either.

Exactly. This is a deliberate thing, a deliberate connection to the best sex Louis had. As said before, it carries meaning.

Well, I mean, there are a lot more instances of Louis saying something and the show showing us something else. Or vice versa. That is... exactly the point. Louis is telling the tale for an effect. And that effect was to lead to the justified "murder night". But the why will be part of season 2.

I know

Louis is (not just) depressed because of Lestat. He is deep in the rite of passage. He addresses that on the bench. And yeah.. for some reason Louis' never gets his agency in these discussions. Because he could have moved away. He could have left. But he did not want to. He stayed right there, in Rue Royale during those 6 years (for example). Where Lestat could find him. But I digress. Louis does have agency, indeed. And it is often dismissed for some reason -.-

Claudia's thinking is very black and white, pun not intended. It's stark contrast. She hates and loves with the full power of puberty, at all times, no matter her mental age. Her hatred for Lestat colors her perception of Louis' love for him - she just cannot imagine Louis loving him. Oh she understands it. But to her Lestat is like Bruce, the worst of the worst, and she cannot fathom that there are actually vampires out there... who are much, much worse. That is part of the horror, that she just cannot... imagine, because ultimately Lestat and Louis raised her as a child and then a loved family member - not as a coven member. She has no point of reference, unfortunately. And no, Louis neither wants to have that conversation (but he is too nice to shut it down), nor does he want to leave. And that just... flies right over her head.

Neither Claudia nor Louis actually fear Lestat, and definitely not even after the fight. The car scene made that quite clear, imho.

Oh, they are angry at him, and justified in that anger. But fear? Nope.

#Anonymous #asks #ask nalyra #amc iwtv #iwtv #amc interview with the vampire #interview with the vampire amc #iwtv amc #iwtv 2022 #interview with the vampire #lestat de lioncourt #louis de pointe du lac #loustat #iwtv claudia #claudia de lioncourt #episode 6 #floaty sex

[fairycosmos]

I’m wondering if you could speak more about the adolescent life experiences you missed out on because I am curious and also heavily relate and am seeking solace in shared experiences

from the ages of like 11-16, it was particularly difficult for me. i had very few friends and people at school would either make fun of me or straight-up act like i wasn't there a lot of the time. so eventually every single day just became a battle where i refused to go to school or participate in life much during those years. i'd have meltdown after meltdown and it was honestly exhausting. i think when my classmates were discovering the foundations of who they were and learning to acclimate to social situations and developing bonds and memories with those around them, i was either sleeping or breaking down or on my computer. basically half-mute, missing out on massive chunks of my secondary education bc i was/am so beyond mentally ill & also could not handle the alienation/ridicule. i can't stress enough how much damage i think this has done to me and my sense of self and my life as a whole, the direction of it. i usually feel like i did not even develop a personality or a selfhood at all tbh. the only reason i kind of broke out of that cycle was bc i lost a bunch of weight, dated a random dude i met online for a bit + started smoking/drinking which allowed me to cope with reality a little easier. not recommending any of that as a way out btw because none of it has actually helped the root of my issues lol and it put me in a lot of dangerous situations, which also set me back emotionally, just in a different way. i'm really sorry you can relate, i know it's hard. i know there's a lot of grief involved in living like this and constantly wondering who you could've been had things been different, constantly wondering why you had to be like this while everyone else got to be "normal." i'm working on abandoning the idea of a conventional timeline that everyone has to follow but still, it's so so painful. especially when hardly anyone around me is willing to abandon their idea of the conventional timeline, which gives it a lot of weight as a concept. it's hard to live with. i completely understand and will be here if you need to talk. x

#anon

[normal-thoughts-official]

i need mal to have a mental breakdown so bad it makes me look stupid

this is the part where i beg you to hear me out. listen. mal's been a bit more like himself these last few chapters but his route still feels stilted. i know you know what i'm talking about. every time there is one of those "one of the LIs reacts to you getting hurt or something of the surt" things, mal's is always the most lukewarm, if not outright cold. the passion and personality only really comes out when we kiss. and like, listen, i romance almost exclusively women and POC (usually Black or brown POC) in this app (I'm pretty sure Aerin is the only white male LI I've ever had anything with? lol), so i'm very very used to my LIs of choice having obviously had a lot less thought when their routes were written. but this is different. it feels almost intentional. and his book 1 route wasn't like this, either

and what calls my attention the most is that mal almost never smiles lately. in book 1 smiling was pretty much mal's default sprite. i think mal was smiling, like, 50% of the time he was on screen, if not more, and the other expressions had to share the rest among each other. but in book 2 we go entire chapters without mal smiling once. and if you pay attention he almost never looks angry or sad, either (he never looked sad a lot but he did look angry often enough, i know because i always laugh at his angry face. rip king ily but calm down). he is in his neutral expression sprite 90% of the fucking time. he looks neutral more often than tyril does (although tyril obviously smiles a lot more in book 2 than he did in book 1, it's noticeable. still, though, he's tyril)

and we know that mal used humor and an untouchable persona as a defense mechanism in book 1, it's been said. so it makes sense that mal was smiling all the time; i remember mal felt more real when his face turned neutral, at least to me. and mal keeps making the same jokes as before, so - why is he not smiling?

and like we know that mal is not okay. it's been shown. the self sacrificial tendencies, the overworking himself, the self doubt. it's been said in text. but i think the neutral sprite is the biggest clue here. because a lot of the time, mal is being objectively funny, but his neutral sprite makes his jokes feel flat. mal feels flat. and i think it's because he's trying to cling to his old coping mechanisms - charming, funny personality - but he doesn't have the energy to anymore, because he's changed, because he's exhausted. and he's said that he felt like he was trying to keep the group together on his own, and we know that mal, for all his damn posturing, takes his responsibilities seriously when he accepts them. he learned how to patch a roof at age 6 so wren could sleep better. he paid off her debt before he paid his. he built a fucking orphanage, for fuck's sake. when mal decides that he's gonna do something, he gives it his all, and he refuses to be stopped. he's going to the goddamn thieves guild to help MC. he's been on the run from the guild for fucking years and they never found him despite him being in whitetower. this mf is dedicated

all of that is to say: during this last year, mal wouldn't stop. he refused to stop. going to the garden every day. building the orphanage. keeping tabs on imtura (i'll never shut up about it HE KEPT TABS ON IMTURA). trying to keep the friend group together. taking care of and feeding a bunch of fucking orphans. the only way to keep yourself going with this much responsibility at once is by repressing every fucking feeling hard and not thinking about anything else. which explains the constant neutral face. mal can't feel anything, because he barricaded everything inside himself so he could keep going. the only way he can ever express himself is physically, when he kisses MC, and that's about it. and so he never quite expresses any feeling, even concern for MC, or smiling, or anything, because he's too busy not stopping, because if he stops he'll crumble

so like. for this to have any closure at all. mal has to crumble. i think he's past the point where he can talk about this healthily and avoid a major breakdown. there's too much threatening to burst, and he's too tired. i genuinely cannot see any way for this to be resolved that doesn't involve mal fucking breaking down, and finally acknowledging how much he's hurting. he's gonna have to stop and look at this, and clearly this will only happen once it comes bursting out of him

and i want it, god damn it! i want mal to fucking lose it. i want that catharsis and i want the angst and i want the drama. fuck!!!!

but if there was ever a time for mal to lose his shit, it was chapter 13. i even wrote about it at the time. i mean, he had just been talking with MC about how much he was hurting when they were gone. fixing the roof and talking about how he feels like he's dragging the group down and he's the least important one. and then MC disappeared. again. in the shadow realm. with valax. and he had no idea where they were. and... nothing. nada. "don't do that to me again 😐". so i struggle to imagine what could possibly be worse than that to trigger a breakdown. MC full on dying and ressurrecting nia style? i mean, seriously

and so i'm climbing the walls because if mal has a breakdown? then everything up to this point will have been good writing. the way every scene felt stilted, most jokes fell flat, everyone felt that distance between mal and MC, that shitass "reunion", it will all have been part of his arc and i'll love it and hold it dearly because oh yeah, i fucking love emotional repression for the sake of self sacrifice, sign me the fuck up. but if not then i don't see how any of this can be part of a coherent arc, and so it'll just have. sucked. after his route in book 1 being so good and satisfying they just, what, gave up? lost their groove the first few chapters and then regained it later but never really addressed it? i don't know, man. i really hope whatever's coming is good but i'm used to choices letting me down, so

this post doesn't have a beautiful conclusion or anything i'm just kinda anxious and frustrated. this is why i hate reading things that aren't finished. god damn it

#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #playchoices #blades of light and shadow #bolas #bolas2 spoilers #mal volari #choices book club #meta #of sorts. idk im tired #i shouldn't even be writing this i should be finishing my assignments but i'm proscratinating by writing something else instead #overflowing trashcan

[ruhlare]

What do you do then? Can you help me? I feel intensely too, but I have to hide it for others’ comfort. If I don’t hide it, it make everything difficult and this is why I don’t fall in love easily thing I’m too much to handle. I was wondering what do you do? Is it even considered living well if we always hide how intensely we feel? Or should we let everything show but everyone always get either sad by our sadness our past we can’t forget or mad by how honest we are when we really care and I don’t want to make people sad or mad. How do you live when you feel so intensely all the time?

for me it's more like that i notice much more than others, that's why i have a lot more to process than usual. i overthink a lot and require a lot of explanation from others because i can't help but try to explain their behavior through my past experiences/negative way of thinking since i struggle with staying optimistically. it's easy for someone who struggles mentally to see mainly the bad. the thought that i am too much to handle and also that i am an exhausting person for others haunts me as well. but that's why i don't let others too close to me; i am kind and caring, yes, but i can control who i form a deeper connection with, and most importantly, i question whether i really want to be vulnerable with others.

i try to deal and cope with all these things by living in my own bubble, which means I'm selective my companionship. i can't afford to give everyone a deeper insight into my past. i owe it to myself to invest my energy wisely. sometimes i feel like i am a bit robotic when it comes to human relationships, even if others don't see it from my kindness, but deep down you have to be aware of the position you really give to others in your own life

and i don't have a problem with being too cautious and not falling in love or building friendships with others easily; quality over quantity - quality is what satifies my soul. i need to feel certain things in other to connect with others. i prefer a few honest relationships over many 'empty' ones. maybe you need to change your perspective; it's a blessing not to connect with everyone. feeling intensely feels like a burden and is very heavy, i know, but also not everything you feel and think is yours to carry. this all requires a lot of self-reflection and sorting out of thoughts. i must admit that i am someone who enjoys isolation and silence a lot, i find peace in those things

i hope you can learn to see the privilege in your own being and learn to cope with it all in a benefitting way for your growth

#also hope this all was understandable

[nightcrawlerzincorporated]

I'm curious about what your opinion on dtamhd is?

I talked about it a bit when the episode first came out, but I'll summarize my thoughts for the new folk. This is all just my personal opinion/interpretation, feel free to disagree, etc etc

I really like DTAMHD! Dennis is my favorite boy and I enjoy being with him for 20 minutes and watching him bop around trying to keep his cool and be kind to people while he slowly loses his mind. I fuck very heavily with the idea that Dennis actually does try to be calm and kind most of the time, he just gets overwhelmed by his own emotions and lashes out because he has no healthy outlit or healthy coping mechanisms. And he refuses to accept help from others because he doesn't trust anyone but himself with his mind and body because growing up every adult in his life that we know of abused him in some way. So when he has a problem, like high blood pressure, he keeps it all inside and tries to deal with it himself, which just makes him more stressed and miserable. I really like all the little things in his fantasy that actually do highlight parts is his real life, like him having to be on Frank's family plan, forever tied to him and relying on him even as an adult, or him crying "nightmare nightmare please somebody help me". We love to see a man suffer on this blog. But that's the aspect of the episode people usually don't have a problem with. Let's get more controversial

My interpretation of the ending is that Dennis did not actually lower his own blood pressure, he's just so stuck in this fantasy version of his life where he has control and where things can't hurt him that he blocks out the negative information and replaces it with positive. I don't see it as a "win" for Dennis because I don't think he succeeded at all in actually changing anything. I think the fact that the gang's phone call at the end is the exact same one that's explicitly a fantasy is supposed to clue us in that this is fake too, the difference is Dennis isn't aware that it's still a fantasy because he's so wrapped up in his own idea of himself as someone who CAN lower his own blood pressure and someone who the gang needs and relies on. So he has these purposeful fantasies to help him cope, but those fantasies still bleed in to real life and color his perception of himself and the world even though he thinks to himself that he's in control of the fantasy. But much like how he can't actually control his physical health, he can't control his mental health either, and this constant fantasizing that he can do all these things has led him to see a distorted version of reality where he doesn't have to change or grow or learn. Which is kind of the core of the whole show if you think about it. I do agree completely with the criticism that Dennis actually having the ability to lower his own blood pressure is stupid, so I get hating the end if you see it as him returning to reality and being successful in his endeavors, but that's not how I see it, so it's not an issue for me.

I can also understand why people could see the heart eating scene as a serial killer Dennis thing and dislike it because of that, but that's not how I saw it at all. It's really goofy and cartoony and obviously not real when he rips the guy's heart out and eats it; it's not about killing someone (the guy doesn't even look hurt at all, he just stands there watching Dennis—I think a real murder fantasy would focus on the pain and dying but it’s not about that, it’s about defeating a metaphorical evil, not a literal man) it's about oversimplifying the world. There’s so many fun different ways you can interpret the CEO, like that he represents Dennis’ relationship with himself or with the world or with his parents, etc. I think if you detach yourself from the literal image and look at things in a more abstract, metaphorical way it makes the scene and the episode as a whole more enjoyable—but I understand that’s not something everyone is interested in doing.

That’s why it doesn’t just feel like a retelling of Glenn’s real life experience to me—I think there’s a lot of Dennis-specific ideas and systems (lol) throughout the episode that give it more symbolism and weight and makes it into a good (imo) narrative.

And I get why, if you’re the type of person who feels a Sunny season should end with a story about the entire gang, or about the gang helping one of them do something big, or something similar, DTAMHD would be disappointing, but I personally have no expectations for what a Sunny finale “should” be, so I wasn’t bothered by the fact that Dennis never opened up to anyone or had any real growth. I was just along for the ride.

I really enjoy the fact that the episode has a lot you can read into and a lot that’s open to interpretation, but that’s also the exact reason different people came away with such different views of the episode. I love when Sunny takes risks and makes unique episodes like this. And I like watching Glenn Howerton smear blood all over his mouth

#dtamhd #dennis takes a mental health day #ask #anonymous

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

You know I've been seeing alot of post of how lunar should HAVE a villian arc and I'm like, WHY? guys, remember that what if lunar was evil, and so far, all he did was break things with the star I don't think being a villian would really do anything

Lunar isn't really entering his Villain Arc.

He's more entering his "angsty teen arc" again like he was at the beginning of his revival.

Earth can't even be in a safe environment where she can have open and clear communication around Lunar, because Lunar will twist it to make it all about him.

Earth legit can not talk about how Lunar made her feel, without Lunar talking about himself when it's HER turn to talk. He legit can't help himself.

Has to talk about how the Astral Bodies might kill him, and while, yes that is important, Solar even told Lunar that we have to take it one step at a time, and talk about it another time cause that is an entirely different thing. Yet Lunar disagreed. Because it's about HIM and his feelings. Despite it was Earth's turn to talk about her feelings, and he didn't listen to her. Again. Which only serves to hurt Earth. (not intentionally. Lunar is not doing this maliciously)

Lunar is a being of emotion and someone who thinks really self-centeredly, which is why the conversation went so badly, also partly because Earth can't keep a cool head but I feel her reactions are justified, and Solar was out of the loop and had no idea that Earth is legit traumatized and scared of Lunar.

Lunar is in need of help and guidance but it really needs to be someone outside of the family.

(A desperate part of me wonders if this is how they will go back to Lunar and Eclipse reconnecting in this way. But personally, I think it's not good for Eclipse to talk to Lunar. For both of them)

Evil!Lunar from his dimension actually just blew Eclipse up cus he was sick of the abuse and proceeded to blow up everyone else too. Which I don't think Lunar is heading down that path but he's going to be very angsty for awhile.

This all sounds harsh but this is someone who absolutely loves Lunar.

I thought that Lunar wouldn't take Gemini's justified callout of him not be able to handle anything to heart, but it feels like he just can't process a lot of what they said.

Understandable as well. Lunar has a lot thrown at him right now, but this is all his own fault and it wouldn't feel so huge if he actually worked through his issues for better emotional coping skills. But if he did, he'd know how to ignore Eclipse and not kill him.

Gemini really told Lunar all those harsh things because they care about Lunar, so much. (And Lunar is just too inner focused to realize that Gemini is experiencing emotions. Probably for the first time other then their defaults, over him. Because they care for him that much.)

Lunar is also practicing self-harm. Yes, staying in the rain when it's not good for your systems rather then take Solar's offer of coming inside to just relax for a little while, is a form of self-harm.

Lunar feels like he has no control in anything, but he needs to take his power back. Not just literally. Mentally. Accept the things he can and can't control and put in the effort if not for himself at least for his family.

But Lunar at the moment doesn't want to die, but he doesn't want to live either.

Earth doesn't want Lunar to suffer, and she does love him, but she's scared with him, can't be alone with him, and she feels so worthless.

Not so fun fact. Psychologists have a really high suicide rate as a profession. It's so discouraging to see patients not take your advice, deliberately make themselves worse, and end their own lives, you can't help feel responsibility for that. Earth feels unappreciated, and not listened to, and feels like she failed. Getting close to Lunar again will only serve to hurt her, and while that might be selfish of her, she KNOWS that. She knows that her not getting close to Lunar and taking her time is ALSO hurting him. She doesn't want to hurt him either, but what can she do? If it's just going to go back to how it was before of just avoiding the elephant in the room, Earth doesn't think she can deal with that if Lunar just flies off the handle for some reason or another, or hears something he doesn't like and just runs away or worse.

Yeah this isn't Lunar's villain arc.

This is his Emo Arc. Or angst arc if you prefer.

#tsams #laes #danachan's replies

[alicepao13]

A lot of my thoughts about the second episode can be summed up in one phrase:

Why the hell wasn't that the first episode???

But I'll try to go a bit more in depth than that.

I'm sure we've had episodes with more action but this was a dynamic episode. Yeah, Charlie and Rex spent a lot of time being just the two of them again, yadda yadda. I can't keep talking about that after every single episode. In fact, since it's kinda the premise of the show, they could very well turn and call me stupid for assuming it would be centered on the rest of the characters as well. But I should also judge what was in the episode, not only what was missing.

Charlie character backstory in season 6? Okay, I'll take it. Daddy issues isn't something revolutionary (then again, you can't do anything remotely revolutionary in a cop show, much less a cop show that's comes from a previous show) but it's something. It's a character moment. Hopefully, it wasn't just that and we'll see Charlie's father.

The action scenes were nicely shot and very dynamically and made you feel like you were in the middle of the action. Yeah, they used a few too many dutch angles at times (they're not supposed to be used so liberally) but I can forgive that.

I don't have much of an issue with the plot as plot. The script was funny at times, some scenes were heartwarming, it was all pro-military bullshit of course, but it's a cop show and Charlie is a navy brat. I've seen 1,500 episodes of NCIS, I can cope. Even when the military-ish music started playing when Charlie was talking to the female perp (forgot her name and also don't have a better name for the genre of music). Props for them hinting that most vets fall through the cracks after they serve while they need help (this episode also aired 2-3 days after World Mental Health Day, and they did discuss a bit, or well, slightly brushed, the fact that soldiers come back after combat, often traumatized, to a world vastly different than how the military works, and they have trouble adjusting to the real world).

Sarah needing time off to buff up a resume that she makes clear she doesn't need? Do not want. Unless it's setting up some future storyline but it better not be her breakup with Charlie. I'll be honest, I'm on the fence about the lack of Charah. The way this show is being written, it could very well be nothing, so I'm not getting that worked up about it. But as a shipper I'd obviously have liked to have seen scenes with them by now. Especially considering how S5 started. I consider seasons 4 and 5 pretty much equal in quality, for different reasons (season 5 being a constant flat tone in terms of angst and stakes only to show "signs of life" in the end got some negative points for me), but season 6 is not starting off great for a variety of reasons which I will not list here, and I also reserve the right to watch a few more episodes to understand what the heck the new showrunner is doing (Names! I want names! I want to know who I'll be cursing this season. Why don't all shows just put a showrunner credit for fuck's sake?)

Things like getting a bunch of motorbikes, only to make a half assed scene, which wasn't bad but didn't offer much either, in which you also can't make your protagonist do the chase and subsequent stunts (unless you hate him), I don't understand. And let's not forget your other protagonist is a dog. And said dog in another scene is indicating that Charlie needs to be getting back on his own bike? Why would Rex care about that? Is he going to ride with Charlie?

Anyway, while this episode wasn't spectacular, it was on par with a lot of typical crime show episodes. Which is where I put the quality of the Hudson and Rex show overall. Yes, I do like the show and I do pay more attention to it than any other crime show I currently watch (never mind the strikes, I'm talking the last two years at least), but that doesn't mean I consider it revolutionary television. An actual 7/10 episode would be considered a good day for this show, in my opinion. If anyone feels differently, I'd love to talk about it with people who have watched at least a few more crime shows. Because if you don't have something else to compare it to, then you can't compare it to anything.

#hudson and rex #it should be noted that the owner of this account couldn't write a 300-word english review in junior high school to save her life lol #I have a love/hate relationship with how much I'm reviewing this show #anyway I like recognizing my own biases #so let me just say that I'd never drop it if they completely fuck up charah because that's not my primary reason for watching #and it's hard to fuck up charlie and rex's partnership (though they did try to make me mad in S5 with their strange screentime allocation) #(which may or may not have been due to situations beyond their control) #but they had managed to have a tenuous balance with charlie rex and the rest of the elements of the show and I don't see that in S6 #yet

[bluravenite]

Can people please put content tags and warnings when they talk about regressed ghouls????

CW: mentions of trauma and abuse, fetishization of age regression, sexual abuse, parenting? Just complaining about people romanticizing age regression, trauma, abuse and treating other mental illness/disorders badly... Also very brief mentions of self harm and eating disorders...

Summary: I'm upset

I feel like people baby ghouls a lot, and while I understand that age reg and little space is a trauma coping mechanism, trust me.. I know... I also just feel like sometimes I open Tumblr to a bunch of people babying ghouls in ways that make me upset...

I think often the way people handle regressed ghouls is by treating them like dumb little babies, instead of the actual procedures that should take place to ensure someone who is regressed is emotionally and physically safe... It's not just about which toys they love playing with, or which sippy cup they use most, it's also not A GATEWAY FOR YOU TO WRITE AGE REGRESSION AS A SEXUAL FETISH, I understand that sometimes when you regress your body may still experience those feelings, but mentally???? It's not going to be safe or enjoyable, cannot consent properly either BECAUSE ITS UNDER A TRAUMA RESPONSE, and also??? It can be even more traumatic and DANGEROUS for a person HANDLING a regressed individual, to engage in sexual acts WITH A REGRESSED INDIVIDUAL

I get that Tumblr used headcanons as comfort, but if you're going to talk about traumatized ghouls experiencing age regression and instead of having people/other ghouls take care of them safely and properly, then I can't stop you but at least TAG THEM PROPERLY??? This goes to mentions of SH and EDS, should not be romanticized... Can it be talked about? Part of a story? Yes, just like it can be part of people's lives and needs to be discussed... But please just don't romanticize it... Don't make regressed ghouls engage in it too if you're not going to properly explain the content and the reasons why it's there.

I have my own way of dealing with small children, age regressed individuals (and littles)... It may not be correct, but it caters towards listening to the individual I am responsible for taking care of...

You don't know what they want or need, you need to talk to them and ask them how they're feeling, how you can help, what they would like, what is safest for them. Get them something of comfort, something for entertainment, and at all costs try to ensure their safety, even if you fail, you can talk them through calming down. I do understand that 1. Children can be difficult sometimes, it depends a lot on the kid... 2. Not all instances will have bad experiences or feelings involved, but sometimes they might, which is why you need to understand age regression is a trauma response... 3. You cannot treat children as dumb brainless babies, AND YOU SHOULD NOT TREAT AGE REGRESSED INDIVIDUALS HAVING TROUBLE PROCESSING EMOTIONS like CHILDREN.

My point being, just try to learn some gentle parenting. It doesn't always work, it doesn't always ensure everyone's safety... Yes you can still have your cute headcanons of things people enjoy and it does not have to be exclusive to age regression...

I have spent entire summers volunteering with special needs and disabled kids, as well as having my own mental issues and disorders and I'm just tired of seeing people treat a lot of them like they're toys to play with and sexualize... And since I know I can't stop anyone from doing that, AT LEAST FOR SATAN'S BELOVED COCK, USE TAGS

#raven vents

[evelina18-6-blog]

(this is so long, i am so sorry)

i understand why the artist was offended because your post made some pretty strong if not aggressive arguments, and i'm sure some assholes took the opportunity to send that person anon hate which probably made it feel more like a personal attack than it actually was, but i am honestly so sick and tired of people using their real life trauma as an excuse for every single thing. i may not have some deep, life altering trauma but i have my own issues and experiences and i too use fiction and art to cope but here we're not just talking about fiction and art, hell we're not talking about fiction at all. the ethics of shipping real life people are already questionable enough and i don't think there's a clear cut and dry answer but taking someone so repulsive, so downright dangerous, as Vargs and not only making cute artworks of him a if he's your casual anime boy, but also shipping him with a person who hated him, is inexcusable. just saying that you don't like or support Vargs is not enough when you have practically dedicated an entire account to making fanart of him. the Mayhem community is already messy enough and by doing that, they downplay what a piece of shit Vargs is and the pain he caused. (no matter how unintentional). also can we talk about Pelle for a moment? claiming to like him and pair him with such a horrible person? using him as a prop and completely ignoring his real life relationships and beliefs? how is that fair? people are already infantalizing him enough because of his mental illness and possible autism. how about realizing that Pelle is not a prop? that he was a person who deserves respect and that drawing him in the embrace of his friends murderer, is not being respectful to say the least? what about Oystein? no one seems to want to address were Olystein fits in this situation at all, why? was he not the person affected the most by Vargs? was he not his victim? putting his friend with his murderer feels like a huge fuck you to him. overall, painting someone in a positive light and later going 'lol im just kidding' is not good enough. Vargs (amongst others..) has spend the majority of his time insulting, belittling, even sexualizing Oystein, in an attempt to ruin his legacy and he has mostly succeeded because he's surrounded by cowards like himself who don't have the balls to stand up and speak the truth. the first thing people come across when researching Mayhem is the same bullshit about what a ''terrible'' person Oystein was and how he ''needed to be stopped''. this is the narrative Vargs has created and if you don't care enough to look deeper, you'll end up believing his lies and blaming a dead person. therefore such artwork, that completely rewrites the history and relationships of these people, can be very dangerous because it can actualy help Vargs into better selling his stupid narrative. i'm not saying that this particular artist is a bad person or that they're lying about their trauma or any bullshit like that, but art affects real life and the moment you post sth online you've opened yourself to criticism. do these Vargs/Pelle fics have more depth than initially presented? maybe. maybe they truly are a great psychological analysis of Vargs (although i don't understand why the hell you'd want to touch that with a ten-foot pole) but you can't blame people for not seeing that. whenever i see fanart of a ship, i don't sit wondering what the artist wants to say with their piece, i either like it bc i like the ship or i don't. if this is your copying mechanism, fine. can't criticize someone's copying mechanisms without sounding like an asshole i guess. but my advice is that maybe people need to take a better look at themselves and see how their interests affect others as well. you can do whatever in your own time but when you post it online it contributes to sth bigger whether you like it or not.

Don't worry about the length of your messages. I like that you elaborate. I agree with everything and thank you for your message. I honestly don't understand when this person says that she is NOT a fan of Varg, or that she doesn't like him and makes fun of him. I haven't seen anything mocking. I've only seen a great idealization of the young Varg, who was a horrible person, more violent than the current Varg. And a certain idealization of the "wonderful" intellect of the current Varg. I'm sorry to say that "the mockery" is poorly done. Like when you have to explain a joke, if no one understand it, it's because it's done poorly. About Pelle, I liked this: "claiming to like him and pair him with such a horrible person? using him as a prop and completely ignoring his real life relationships and beliefs?" Yes, that's why I said Pelle is not a ball that goes from here to there. I also agree that no one seems to think what's going on with Euro in this situation. In my case, it is almost the first thing that shocks me, it is a double offense towards him. That's why I wonder if there is something, deep down, against the Euro. Because romanticizing Varg SO MUCH, yes or yes, for me, brings with it some kind of sympathy for his ideologies, therefore, some kind of resentment towards Euro. When people attack Euro, they generally resort to two things: lies about the mistreatment of Pelle, and his political inclinations, painting him as an authoritarian extremist fanatic. And therefore, Varg as a person who was encouraged to go further and do "something that many would want to do." Varg is a failure who does not know how to value the only good thing in him, his musical talent. He did not know how to value the influence of Euro and the environment in which he found himself. Now he is a clown who needs to resort to ridiculing himself on the internet to stay current, so that his morbid followers consume him "as ironic consumption." It's an internet phenomenon. And he is free only because the Norwegian prison regime is very soft. I think he should be under psychiatric treatment because he can't stop being a bad influence, even on his children, or they should send him to hard labor, so that he can channel his anger through physical labor instead of the internet. Perhaps the girls who draw Varg romantically and the people who are big fans of him beyond his music do not specifically have his same ideologies, but they admire him in some way, and it is clear that his systematically offensive attitudes are not enough to stop them and scare them away I sincerely feel that they see him as a master. I see Varg as the typical cult leader, and I feel cringe at the adoration they profess of him. "i'm not saying that this particular artist is a bad person or that they're lying about their trauma or any bullshit like that, but art affects real life and the moment you post sth online you've opened yourself to criticism." What you said sums it up. I don't doubt that this girl could be harmless in real life, and that she has traumas and that her art and fanfics help her in her introspection. I fully believe her when she says it, but the debate does not end with whether something is therapeutic or not. It is up to her to choose what things to express her art on. She don't lack talent, why do you choose Varg? That's what's shocking, I mean, it's shocking that she brings Pelle into this and twists history to support her capricious ship and celebrate that more and more people join her ship. There you can see that she doesn't do it for herself, she wants more people to romanticize Varg and have the vision of Pelle that she has, which, in my opinion, is a bit humiliating and objectifying.

[unqualified-therapist]

I would really love to hear your opinion on my Gegg post!! The whole point in making it was to have a conversation :)

Alright boss! You ask and you shall receive <3

I believe part of the reason that Gegg ran for president is not entirely because of Charlie being afraid of people using his past against him, though that is likely a part of it.

As Charlie said on Forever's stream, he feels as though there are two wolves fighting for control over the body. Charlie is one of the wolves, a broken man who feels he does not deserve love. And the other wolf is Gegg, a confident slimy guy who pushes back against the world.

He said that it's like a fight constantly going on in his body, and that recently, he is forgetting more and more of what happens when Gegg is in control, and like he's slipping out of control.

Perhaps it is not Charlie who wants to run, but instead uses the face of Gegg to avoid his past mistakes, but Gegg himself who wants to run. An anarcho-socialist egg, he does not have a limited number of lives and wants to see a world ruled by the people, not by a powerful government.

We can't be sure that their beliefs on the matter completely line up, either. After all, Gegg is running for president, not Charlie.

Along with all this, I think in a way, Gegg was a product of Charlie going through age regression. Some believe agere is a defense mechanism, while others believe it is a way for people to achieve a therapeutic goal.

Commonly, people who use age regression have childhood trauma, something that we know q!Charlie has- he mentioned growing up with an abusive father, one of eight children. His father killed his seven siblings and hurt him, causing him to have to grow up too fast.

Along with this, Charlie also stated that he uses Gegg as a coping mechanism, to have meaning in life because he felt he didn't have one after Juanaflippa's (third) death. Quackity was someone who enabled him, who helped him get the emotional assistance he needed.

Of course, age regression can also be the symptom of multiple mental disorders- this includes PTSD, major depressive disorder, and schizophrenia.

However, this wound up failing and spiraling out of control. Gegg was a therapy tool to deal with his trauma and find meaning, find some happiness. However, he was still neglected by his father figure and hated by those around him, even as an egg- something everyone on the island loves.

They love the other eggs. Why don't they love him?

So Gegg had to grow up too fast as well, which may have caused him to spiral and become something new. He broke apart from Charlie, being something difficult to control, something that fought for power over the body.

However, like Charlie feels like he's blacking out when he turns into Gegg, Gegg may feel the same way. It's possible that Gegg feels like it's his body, his little eggy body, but there's someone else in there. Someone who changes his form, someone who has control.

And Gegg hates it.

As can be seen with his political views and actions, he does not like to be controlled by more powerful forces. He wants to collapse the Federation, to bring it all down and have Quesadilla island be ruled by the people together.

So he probably feels the same way about Charlie. This other wolf in his body, one that's overwhelming him, but he's pushing back. He doesn't know who this wolf is, what this wolf is, but all he knows is he wants to be separate from it.

This leads to another topic - Geggtosis. During the second debate, Gegg handed out Gegg spawn eggs. This may be a way of him trying to free himself- by splitting off these branches of Gegg, it's possible he's hoping to figure out what this more powerful wolf in the body is, and how to overpower it.

This started with Charlie saying 'I can't run for president, but he can."

...Maybe it wasn't Charlie saying that. Maybe Gegg was forcing his voice through, to make himself heard. Maybe Charlie doesn't want to run for president, he doesn't want Gegg to run for president, but Gegg is getting stronger. He's pushing back more and more, making the gaps in Charlie's memory bigger and bigger.

Wow this post spiraled. I really needed to talk about Gegg, huh? But yeah, I hope you like my thoughts about the matter that is Gegg. :]

Don't forget!

Tu eres Gegg.

#qsmp #slimecicle #qsmp slimecicle #gegg #charlie slimecicle #qsmp gegg #qsmp theory #gegg qsmp #qsmp charlie #qsmp charlie slimecicle #we are gegg #tu eres gegg

[flowerfletching]

! TW for mentions of trauma and mental health !

Okay so I know this might sound bad but in all honesty...I think we need more Crowley angst. I love him dearly and he's one of my favorite characters, he's even my comfort character, and that's exactly why I need to subject him to as much sad as possible. And I don't just mean angst surrounding the fact that he loved Pauline and had to cope with her getting married to Halt, though I do think there's good angst there and that it can be a great thing to explore, it can also be a great factor in the next thing I'm about to say. The angst I mean is like full blown trauma and mental health issues being explored. Like, you can not tell me that Crowley isn't traumatized at least a little bit. He's been through war, has seen countless deaths, has made so many incredibly difficult decisions that almost no one else may have been able to make, has Halt for a best friend- The list can go on. And then there's also the fact that I genuinely don't believe that Crowley just doesn't have mental health issues. That's because I'm pretty sure that he'd have at least some level of PTSD from all the war and stuff, not only that but he'd also have carry all the guilt and stress that his job brings as well.

I think he also has to be like a constant support for many people so that adds on to his stresses too, though I think that could be one of his reasons to live too depending on the situation. I'm sure he does care about them but I don't doubt that it could still weigh on him. I've also noticed that he jokes around and smiles a lot, which is fine, but it could be like a coping mechanism. Or it could also be a way to hide how he's really feeling. It could be absolute hell in his head but he still might never let anyone know, he may not even think of doing such a thing. The reason could be that he's worries about bothering people with his mental health, that he thinks everyone else is in enough pain that he doesn't want to add on with his own, or that he doesn't think he can even be saved at this point, or it could even be for some other undiscovered reason.

Not to mention that I don't think we even know much about his backstory, though I could be missing something and I could be very wrong. But if I'm right that means that we have no idea of the pains he went through when he was younger, and that we can forge a past for him for him to have to suffer through.

I understand that none of this may be canon and I'm not claiming that any of it is, I just want to see more people explore just how much sad a broken and mentally ill Crowley can cause. I understand that we have established traumas to work with like Will's enslavement and Halt's family issues, and I do think they're good to play around with, just to be clear. But I want to see people mess with Crowley a bit more.

Not to mention the different ways that we can play around with it too. Just him having trauma and horrible mental health alone could be bad enough but just imagine him having to suffer through it alone. Or you could imagine how it could be if anyone found out. That could be through him either telling someone or through them finding out in one of the worst ways possible, or through any other way your mind can create.

There are so many possibilities with this in my opinion and I hope I have convinced you at least a little bit with this ramble of mine, though I completely understand if I didn't and I am in no way trying to pressure anyone into creating something they aren't comfortable with. Like I said before, I absolutely love Crowley and believe that he deserves the world so I have no issue reading and seeing him getting that, in fact I'd love to see more of it! But I also can't help but wonder what it would be like to see his world burn to ashes, or worse, to see the people who see him as their world have to watch him slip through their fingertips just because he could save everyone, and yet no one could save him from himself. But I think that's enough of me so I will leave you with one final question: will you join me in exploring just how traumatized Crowley Meratyn can really be?

#ranger's apprentice #crowley meratyn #angst #trauma

[entropy-sea-system]

A lot of people online have been saying that narcs can and should recover. I know that that statement is ableist towards pwNPD, but I wanted to ask someone with the disorder why it’s untrue from personal experience.

(Sorry for bad wording, English is not my first language)

Well I would say recovery is not possible for everyone, if someone wants to recover from npd they can attempt it if therapy is accessible for them though, thats not really ableist. It is ableist to act like thats possible for everyone though, or to act like therapy is always accessible to everyone. This also overlaps with classism and other forms of bigotry because there are barriers to accessing therapy.

Also I do think it is kind of weird they refer to pwNPD as 'narcs' with that phrasing. Some of us do reclaim the term but if egotypicals just use it like that its a little weird and implies they see us as bad since they often use 'narc'/narcissist in a derogatory manner to refer to basically anyone they armchair diagnose as having NPD bc theyre an abuser or somehow just 'unlikeable'.

Even if people with npd do go to therapy, there are unfortunately many professionals who are very ableist towards people with npd and see us as a 'lost cause' or even believe that 'narc abuse' exists - more professionals in psychiatry and psychology should really learn to respect people with npd and should know how to work with us if we decide to go to therapy for it.

Some people with npd may want to recover if they dont feel able to function well at all and they arent able to cope well with their symptoms, and thats okay. Some people may just fundamentally want to be egotypical even if their NPD doesnt necessarily harm themself a lot. It shouldn't be something we are forced to do though, and we can obviously have npd while still respecting others. Some may also not get a choice as people are coerced into undergoing therapy or institutionalised, which is another problem.

One thing I dislike about the whole idea that we should go to therapy and that therapy will magically get rid of our NPD, is that egotypicals (people without npd) tend to ask that we do this for THEIR sake. They can't handle people with npd even existing and don't want to deal with us. They assume we are all doomed to be abusers. They don't seem to give a shit about how WE are negatively impacted by having npd when they say this. It sounds as if they just want npd to somehow be erased from the world.

Either way, peoples autonomy and rights should be respected regarding therapy, and one can go to therapy if they wish. But there is no guarantee therapy will get rid of a personality disorder, and one may need to see a few therapists or counsellors to find one that truly helps them, and there is a safety risk to seeking psychiatric care for many people.

Recovery is not impossible, but people should go about it at their own pace if they seek it and take precautions as professionals in mental health may harm them, and sometimes it means more that you learn ways of coping with your personality disorder (such as skills taught in Dialectical Behaviour therapy) than exactly that it will disappear entirely. We have not gone to any therapy that helped us so far, but if we do, when its safe to for us, we would be cautious about it and gather a lot of information on who we consider as potential therapists or counsellors.

NPD itself cannot exactly be prevented, on another note, some factors that can influence someone developing it, like genetics, environment one grows up in, and trauma, etc. just are not very preventable. Maybe if societal power structures such as the family unit were not given as much power, abuse rates would reduce and there would be less incidence of trauma, but this would not exactly prevent it entirely and would be difficult to actually enact. And Im not sure if the people who want to prevent it just want people with NPD gone in an ableist way, or if they actually give a fuck about our suffering.

I have known of other pwNPD who do go to a counsellor or therapist. I was in a space with other pwNPD and some of them were genuinely helped by therapy - but those people still had NPD, therapy just helped them cope with it. There are probably people who recovered from NPD after therapy, I havent personally met any such people, but I have seen one person claim they used to have NPD then just didn't anymore without even any therapy, not sure how exactly that worked but yeah.

Anyways, the point is, NPD or any other personality disorder is variable like this and it cannot be said for sure that therapy always exactly gets rid of the disorder entirely or is safe for us. And this is often applicable to other mental illnesses and neurodivergence too. Its not ableist to say people can pursue recovery if they want it, but enforcing it as mandatory can err towards ableism, especially if its along with false beliefs about what therapy can do.

#NPD #npd #actually npd #sysmeds dni #endo safe #actually narcissistic #narcissistic personality disorder #ableism #anti psych #sanism #psychiatric abuse #recovery #cluster b #cluster b safe #actually cluster b #npd safe #anti psychiatry

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

Trying to construct "real" self esteem after having a fake ego for so long is one of the hardest parts about having NPD and trying to heal from it, especially because a huge part of it is actually letting yourself BE insecure, which obviously isn't fun for anyone, especially not narcissists.

Due to my NPD I’ve always needed attention and praise from people CONSTANTLY, and I would hate to see other people get positive attention, and I would do things I’m not proud of like lie or exaggerate or put other people down (usually in really passive aggressive and subtle ways rather than direct insults -- don't get me wrong, I'd be thinking the direct insults, but I'd rarely say them). It was an awful knee-jerk reaction that I'd have if someone did even slightly better than me on something.

I always needed to be #1. I needed people to care about me more than they care about anyone else. I desperately needed the love and positive attention that I never got.

For the longest time, I was the only one giving myself positive attention, and even THAT came from an exaggerated/fake ego. So I became hungry for genuine love, to not be so terribly alone.

I felt as if no one cared about me, no one needed me, no one would care if I disappeared or died. The reason why I felt this way ALWAYS boiled down to “well my friend gave someone else attention / didn’t give me enough attention / ignored me / whatever, so clearly this means they don't care about me at all.”

It's very much an "all or nothing" mentality - I'm either someone's favorite person in the world, or I don't matter to them at all.

Oddly enough, you know what helps me to heal? Realizing that it’s okay if no one cares, and that it’s ok if I only have myself.

You know that one meme that’s like “Nihilism, nothing in life matters?” Basically that’s how my NPD healing journey has looked. I started off with thinking "No one cares about me except myself :(" and now am striving to become "No one cares about me except myself :D" Ideally the final step in my healing process will be accepting that people DO care about me and that I CAN receive positive attention from people in a healthy way and that people WOULD be sad if I wasn't around, but oddly enough (and I know this makes no sense to non-narcs), before I get to that stage, I have to become ok with no one caring. And obviously that thought process may not work for all narcissists, but it's working for me, I think.

Because chances are there WILL be at least one instance where no one cares, or at least no one is around to reassure me that they do care, or no one can reassure me in ways that satisfy me...even if it's just in my mind/by my high standards, it is unavoidable that there will be several times when "no one cares about me". Even if it’s a disordered thought or a delusion, the best course of action isn’t always to convince myself that people actually do care, and the best course of action DEFINITELY isn’t to manipulate people into caring. The best course of action is to say “Ok, maybe I’m right, no one cares. Now what? I have to accept that and know that i’ve always got myself.”

Obviously that can't be my only coping mechanism, because then I might become too dependent on isolation, but it does help to self-sooth by trying to genuinely love myself and try to always be there for myself, even if I'm the only one.

#npdsafe #npd #actuallynpd #npd positivity #npd culture is

[furshrimps]

I'm down to about 150€ left for vet purposes, and if things go on like this I seriously need to think about rehoming Sammy (once the current crisis has calmed down of course). I just can't pay for all the vet costs anymore, and Sammy tends to need vet visits rather regularly. Also with my dad losing his ability to work I don't have a financial backup anymore. My brother may be able to lend me a certain amount if things get hard, but how would I ever be able to pay him back? I just don't see how I can give Sammy the care he needs for much longer. It's so heart breaking.

But idk how to properly go about this in the first place. In theory the first thing I would do would be contacting his breeder, but the person herself has me blocked on FB (that was about her stealing my photo a couple years back and when I politely tried to explain to her why that's not ok she immediately blocked me). Also it's been a while since I last heard/ saw anything of her and tbh I don't even know if she's still around. She had another account through which she later liked and commented on some of my pics, but that doesn't seem to exist anymore either. I could contact her husband, but idk. My other idea was to ask a breeder whom I trust for advice on how to handle the situation.

Or maybe I'll start asking other trusted people (my dog trainer mostly) if they know someone who would be a good match for Sammy and once there's a candidate discuss the matter with the breeder/ husband from there. Briefly I thought about asking his previous owner if she can help or even take him back, but the reason Sammy needed to be rehomed back then was her abusive/ mentally ill husband. I think they're divorced now and the guy seems to have disappeared somewhere within the EU, but idk if that's a safe enough situation for Sammy. Not to mention if she even would be able to/ want to care for a second dog. But it would probably be the easiest option for Sammy to cope, since he grew up with her and all, and she loves her dogs a lot and even does for fun sports. From that point she would be ideal. Just the ex-husband thing really worries me a lot, he already has used Sammy in the past to get to her and as long as he's still potentially able to reach her it doesn't strike me as very safe for Sammy. :/ My sister also can't take him, she needs to rehome most of her own dogs too due to what happened with our dad.

Idk 😞 this sucks so much. He was supposed to stay here for the rest of his life and be happy and everything. But with how things have developed with my own health, Sammys health, and now my dad's health too... I do have to admit that I'm quickly falling out of a position to care for his needs. I'm trying to earn some money through my art but it's not going so well. And not nearly well enough for so many and frequent vet costs. I just don't see another way :( If it was just a one-off thing I would've tried a GoFundMe or something, but based on Sammy's history he likely will continue to need a bigger financial pool than I can provide.

Or does anyone have any other ideas what I could do?

#sam the papillon