#of sorts. idk im tired

[normal-thoughts-official]

i need mal to have a mental breakdown so bad it makes me look stupid

this is the part where i beg you to hear me out. listen. mal's been a bit more like himself these last few chapters but his route still feels stilted. i know you know what i'm talking about. every time there is one of those "one of the LIs reacts to you getting hurt or something of the surt" things, mal's is always the most lukewarm, if not outright cold. the passion and personality only really comes out when we kiss. and like, listen, i romance almost exclusively women and POC (usually Black or brown POC) in this app (I'm pretty sure Aerin is the only white male LI I've ever had anything with? lol), so i'm very very used to my LIs of choice having obviously had a lot less thought when their routes were written. but this is different. it feels almost intentional. and his book 1 route wasn't like this, either

and what calls my attention the most is that mal almost never smiles lately. in book 1 smiling was pretty much mal's default sprite. i think mal was smiling, like, 50% of the time he was on screen, if not more, and the other expressions had to share the rest among each other. but in book 2 we go entire chapters without mal smiling once. and if you pay attention he almost never looks angry or sad, either (he never looked sad a lot but he did look angry often enough, i know because i always laugh at his angry face. rip king ily but calm down). he is in his neutral expression sprite 90% of the fucking time. he looks neutral more often than tyril does (although tyril obviously smiles a lot more in book 2 than he did in book 1, it's noticeable. still, though, he's tyril)

and we know that mal used humor and an untouchable persona as a defense mechanism in book 1, it's been said. so it makes sense that mal was smiling all the time; i remember mal felt more real when his face turned neutral, at least to me. and mal keeps making the same jokes as before, so - why is he not smiling?

and like we know that mal is not okay. it's been shown. the self sacrificial tendencies, the overworking himself, the self doubt. it's been said in text. but i think the neutral sprite is the biggest clue here. because a lot of the time, mal is being objectively funny, but his neutral sprite makes his jokes feel flat. mal feels flat. and i think it's because he's trying to cling to his old coping mechanisms - charming, funny personality - but he doesn't have the energy to anymore, because he's changed, because he's exhausted. and he's said that he felt like he was trying to keep the group together on his own, and we know that mal, for all his damn posturing, takes his responsibilities seriously when he accepts them. he learned how to patch a roof at age 6 so wren could sleep better. he paid off her debt before he paid his. he built a fucking orphanage, for fuck's sake. when mal decides that he's gonna do something, he gives it his all, and he refuses to be stopped. he's going to the goddamn thieves guild to help MC. he's been on the run from the guild for fucking years and they never found him despite him being in whitetower. this mf is dedicated

all of that is to say: during this last year, mal wouldn't stop. he refused to stop. going to the garden every day. building the orphanage. keeping tabs on imtura (i'll never shut up about it HE KEPT TABS ON IMTURA). trying to keep the friend group together. taking care of and feeding a bunch of fucking orphans. the only way to keep yourself going with this much responsibility at once is by repressing every fucking feeling hard and not thinking about anything else. which explains the constant neutral face. mal can't feel anything, because he barricaded everything inside himself so he could keep going. the only way he can ever express himself is physically, when he kisses MC, and that's about it. and so he never quite expresses any feeling, even concern for MC, or smiling, or anything, because he's too busy not stopping, because if he stops he'll crumble

so like. for this to have any closure at all. mal has to crumble. i think he's past the point where he can talk about this healthily and avoid a major breakdown. there's too much threatening to burst, and he's too tired. i genuinely cannot see any way for this to be resolved that doesn't involve mal fucking breaking down, and finally acknowledging how much he's hurting. he's gonna have to stop and look at this, and clearly this will only happen once it comes bursting out of him

and i want it, god damn it! i want mal to fucking lose it. i want that catharsis and i want the angst and i want the drama. fuck!!!!

but if there was ever a time for mal to lose his shit, it was chapter 13. i even wrote about it at the time. i mean, he had just been talking with MC about how much he was hurting when they were gone. fixing the roof and talking about how he feels like he's dragging the group down and he's the least important one. and then MC disappeared. again. in the shadow realm. with valax. and he had no idea where they were. and... nothing. nada. "don't do that to me again 😐". so i struggle to imagine what could possibly be worse than that to trigger a breakdown. MC full on dying and ressurrecting nia style? i mean, seriously

and so i'm climbing the walls because if mal has a breakdown? then everything up to this point will have been good writing. the way every scene felt stilted, most jokes fell flat, everyone felt that distance between mal and MC, that shitass "reunion", it will all have been part of his arc and i'll love it and hold it dearly because oh yeah, i fucking love emotional repression for the sake of self sacrifice, sign me the fuck up. but if not then i don't see how any of this can be part of a coherent arc, and so it'll just have. sucked. after his route in book 1 being so good and satisfying they just, what, gave up? lost their groove the first few chapters and then regained it later but never really addressed it? i don't know, man. i really hope whatever's coming is good but i'm used to choices letting me down, so

this post doesn't have a beautiful conclusion or anything i'm just kinda anxious and frustrated. this is why i hate reading things that aren't finished. god damn it

#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #playchoices #blades of light and shadow #bolas #bolas2 spoilers #mal volari #choices book club #meta #of sorts. idk im tired #i shouldn't even be writing this i should be finishing my assignments but i'm proscratinating by writing something else instead #overflowing trashcan

[commander-spaceboy]

fem sanji + fem zolusan (monster trio)

ive been in a very fem character mood recently and idk what it is but i need to draw her at least 5 more times before it goes away

#zolusan #sanji op #zoro op #luffy op #monster trio #monkey d luffy #roronoa zoro #black leg sanji #zosanlu #sb’s art #digital art #one piece #one piece posting #fem sanji #fem luffy #fem zoro #think i have all my sorting tags in here but idk man im too tired to check #anyways i want sanji so badly guys #so i will project onto zosanlu or whatever #might probably draw fem law at somepoint soon cause ouhggggg

[a-strange-little-one]

The Furies

#hades #hades game #megaera #tisiphone #alecto #this isn’t really in-character ‘cause they don’t really like eachother in the actual game #but i like the thought that they have this sort of protective nature over each other considering all the pain and suffering with their jobs #each one of them thinks they’re the protector of their sisters but really each one is the one that needs their sisters #did that make sense? idk im tired #my art

[lunarharp]

What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)

#witch hat tag #orufrey #er.... i'm too tired to have anything to say..i worked several days on this. #wait.. didn't i say just recently here that i probably wouldn't ever depict 'what if alaira is qifrey's sort-of ex'. What's going on #i don't even remember deciding to draw this..it's all a blur..i'm not sure why i WOULD decide to draw delicate scenes in my head #that i wouldn't really want to share with anyone/discuss so why did i draw it... #some part of me really really wants to draw things that are more and more true to myself... #maybe because of my alienation with most romance/shipping/dynamics the rest of the world depicts. #orufrey really is perfectly suited to me - what i read in the text and what is in my head. well anyway #i am TIRED of drawing poses and angles and..maybe now i will actually take a break from drawing bc of the tediousness of Angles #btw it really is a 'stretch of time' . . . assuming witches graduate age 18-20 #well orufrey are canonically 30-ish. they've only had agott around for presumably about TWO years (?) bc she took the test age 10 #and it feels like oru moving in/unknown atelier acquisition/building (?) .. i guess that could be a year or so before agott at most #(she was the first disciple) so... ????????? What about the other 7 or so years ?!?!?!!?!?! Unemployed Brimhat Hatred era #that time is very nebulous. after qifrey went to the tower i feel like it's been implied he and oru drifted apart a little. #certainly they didn't live together at first... no way. that doesn't feel like how it is based on things oru has said about becoming Eye #idk. I'm tired now. i don't usually think of alaira as necessarily qifrey's ex and this being how things went in that 'sliver of time'. #i usually prefer the idea that they have their first kiss with each other in their 30s cause That's Just The Orufrey Lifestyle #just felt like making a more relatable alternative view of my own Cai Orufrey Canon one time. btw im a big monoshipper and it hurt a bit #let's leave it there. this is surely the most i've worked on a 'single' art - though now i realise just how much longer the fic took :')

[shower-phantom-ideas]

Danny saving Villians because he doesn’t want them as ghosts in his realm.

“I aint letting you bring that into my house nuh uh”

#thats it tumblr post it #danny phantom #idk what au this could be fore #I just put an e in for might be time to exit the shower #as ghost king it would cause so much of a headache to deal with them #like hes got to rehabilitate them probably and thats so much work #plus the paper work that comes with people who have killed a lot. #yes this is ghost king #r we not all on the ghost king train? #danny saves like idk some sort of villian and is like ‘’get yo shit together before you die’’ #what the fuck else do you do when the king of all the dead saves your life and tells you to clean up your act or else it’s a time out #who knows what a ghosts timeout is #people be like ‘’welp death said I gotta do better before I die so I better’’ #idk im so tired at this point but still have three hours to go #pogo lol #boingt boingy boingy #goodnight everybody hahahaha

[fox-grave]

couldn't get this page right and I'm honestly just rlly tired of it so here u go tumblr!!! Messy wip i might pick up later!!!

#Sparklecare #sparklecare fanart #my art #Hypnos stic #Hypnos stix #Been thinking of changing it to Hypnos eris #dunno tho #nurse doom #caroline coughs #uni cornelius #Doomi #Just a lil #As a treat #Doomnos #Is that how I spelled it? #Idk #Blehhhh im tired #I also read a bit of cometcare #now I'm trying to decide whether he should be a balloon animal anthry #anthrie? #But like #Pinch line is soooo me coded #Combine polly and pin together n you get me #And Hypnos already has a sort of jester vibe going on so like

[freakly-fungi]

something something Tim's loved ones (His parents, Bernard) getting killed or injured by cults

#dc comics #dc universe #bernard dowd #timbern #tim drake #janet drake #jack drake #idk guys i just think its really interesting to think about #thats like THREE PEOPLE hes close with #granted hes not super close with his parents #but like #i feel like after three people you know are harmed by cults #youd develope a complex of some sort? #idk idk im really tired

[tiny-merkitty]

am i the only one that feels like those posts listing off what's valid as an age regressor is like... odd.

"you're valid if you're poc!" yes. obviously. "you're valid if you cry when regressed!" yes. obviously. "you're valid if you do things most bio kids can't!" yes. obviously.

i dont know it just feels sort of counterproductive? like yes, of course you're allowed to have bad times while regressed or feel angry or sad. it's a coping mechanism and often a result of mental illness. of course you're allowed to??? be a person of color??? and disabled??? and a boy or trans or whatever??? i know they're in good faith usually but it feels sort of strange sometimes and i feel like every other post i see is someone asking things like "am i still an age regressor if i want to scream and cry? how can i fix this problem? should i want to have a cg?" :/

nothing is wrong with you. regression looks different on everyone and ultimately you should do what feels comfortable for you. not doing the things cookie cutter redditors or agere instagram accounts do does not make you evil.

age regression resources and blogs can help you to get a guideline and learn things, but you do not need follow everything to-a-t to be "good at it". like whatever food you want, like whatever colors you want, feel nostalgic about whatever you want. if sitting in bed with a water bottle and a show you like is what regression is for you, that's fine. it's for you and should be tailored as such.

#im like so tired #it feels like seeing stuff like this just sort of further stigamtizes it #i dont know whenever i see posts that are like “help! i regress but this time i didn't feel perfect the whole time!” its just. #uugughghgh i dont know. you dont need validation on the internet to be a “real” regressor i promise you are okay #the idea of enforcing roles and stereotypes also makes me feel very gross #but i wont get into that #idk maybe im just noncom and feel weird about alot of community stuff #sfw interaction only #sfw agere #noncom agere #age regression #merkitty babbles

[st4rstudent]

a quick sketch

#clemart #ttcc #toontown corporate clash #winndoe #winn dos #doe vinci #i will draw doe by herself one day i promise im sorry for all the shipart idk whats going on lately im crazy #i like to think doe just asked winn to do some sort of task or something and winn has no idea what they just agreed to do #this was supposed to be a little bit bigger but i got really tired right in the middle of sketching doe and cropped my already cropped piec #even more

[nexus-my-beloved]

Has anyone ever really thought in detail about the fact that Cas fell for Dean. I know we acknowledge it, sure. We all know he did it. "I rebelled, for you", sure. But.

Cas fell as an angel multiple times and each time he went to Dean he was turned away at some point. And, as understanding as Cas may be to Dean's motives, it likely registered each time as something Cas did wrong. Because Cas always does something wrong. ( "Something happened, something went wrong-" "why does that something always seem to be you?" ) Cas has given up everything that he is and was for Dean and he's been turned away countless times, left to make it on his own, and hope he finds a way. An angel has been homeless, struggling to survive because the one he is in this state for turned him away.

Boiled down to its essence, Destiel is awful because it works like someone always trying to please the other but never being enough. "I gave up what I was so that I could be with you." "I liked you better before." is what their whole dynamic seems like, at least on one side. Cas, in the beginning, when he was an angel that had not yet been tainted, was revered by Dean and Dean was scared of him in a way. Once Cas fell for Dean? Things were different. Because he's an angel, or because he was, he needs to know /everything/, but it isn't all explained to him. He doesn't know what happens for normal people in the world, he has no concept of normal, he's lost and confused and he doesn't get help and he gets patronized and sent away because of it. Because he doesn't understand. Because he isn't human but he tries so hard to be for /Dean/.

Destiel is awful and horrible but it's great at the same time because of a myriad of things, but at some point in time, one of them always thinks they're doing awful, or there's miscommunication, or they push each other away. They can't be together because they don't talk things through. If they did, they'd be great- but they don't, and unfortunately that's the only universe, the only chance they ever had. Where Cas died telling Dean he loved him when the sacrifices Cas made throughout the years said it loud enough for it to not have to be said for any reason other than to put the nail in the coffin that Dean didn't notice or didn't know how to go through with it.

#i love destiel with my whole heart but theyre so bad for each other #but theyre so good for each other. #no one understands dean like cas does #no one trusts and loves cas like dean does #they know each other so well and love each other to death and yet they hate each other and dont know a thing. #no matter what theyre in a dance where neither of them know the choreography but it's the same song it's been for years #they might get a few moves in sync but ultimately their moves dont match and they cant communicate to get it right #destiel is a trainwreck waiting to happen but if they had a middle man to explain it theyd be the happiest couple #sort of character analysis?? #idk im tired but i needed to post this before i forgot #supernatural #spn #castiel #dean winchester #destiel #nex rambles #nexus speaks

[random-lil-illing]

hey yall sorry for disappearing for *checks last post* nearly a month. ive been busy with school lol im sorry. school has been dragging me by the hair recently

also. henry stickmin hyperfixation gone. it was a good five weeks while it lasted, but i am back to my fnaf roots now im afraid

enjoy some michael bc i love my boy

#my art #art #digital art #finished art #fanart #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #fnaf michael afton #michael afton #michael afton fanart #fnaf fanart #fnaf pizzeria simulator #ffps #michael is sick and tired of the customers #so hes complaining abt them to henry on his smoke break #yes michael smokes in my au #yes i know he has no lungs to smoke but have you considered that he defies all laws of biology already #whats one more biology law broken? #anyways enjoy my posts while you can i think im going through some sort of burnout or smth idk #enjoy the burnt food #OH i forgot i gave michael dyed hair bc if hes dead then his hair should be dead with him #and i forgot his piercings damn

[soldier-poet-king]

Stop borrowing grief from the future wednesday

#beating myself upside the head! stop! borrowing! future grief!!! #stop it!!! #im tired and everything is bad #and im worried about fading tattoos. which is silly. this is brand new #i can always get touch ups or have it faded and then do a darker cover up #but idk worry about artist relations and im kinda unhappy with my artist and idk if thats my fault or not #just. blegh #the art is fine. its not as dark or bold as i wanted but neither is it as delicate #i think part of me was pulling to each of these exyremes #extremes* #and now its a sort of middle ground neither feminine nor masculine style #(ignore the gendering of that im talking societal perception) #i think i wouldve liked to have gotten bolder line work done. just for aging purposes #and less intricate detailing bc again aging #but i will be careful with sunscreen and moisturizer. alas. #bolder lines hurt more. but i think id have been willing to try #again . commitment issues. multiple styles. etc.

[needylittlegirl]

theres a 99% chance we’re gonna move so i have to start packing little things now cause it makes the transition easier but i hate it i dont want to

#i know i sound like am immature little kid just pouting and stomping my foot #but i’ve had to move every two years since i was like 14 for so many different reasons #each place ive moved to just got increasingly worse so i think i have the right to pout like a 14 yr old girl #but its just dumb #if i start taking stuff down now itll make it easier to leave cause it wont feel like my space by then #its what ive always done #if i pack weeks ahead of time it just feels like im leaving a hotel or something #but right nows the hard part #im not even over my childhood home/s #i cant talk about those without crying and its been 20 years #i’d just like to stay in one place for awhile #we wont be going far cause me and my sister both have jobs right here but #its still different #im tired of seeing my stuff in boxes im tired of not feeling safe in my own space #it all just makes me so unstable cause i cant plant my roots anywhere #idk maybe its stupid #if everything goes according to plan #we’ll probably be moving a little after memorial day #and all i want to do is lock my door and refuse to let anyone do anything #im still just that little girl that was leaving her childhood bedroom and moving hours away #tbd #i didnt even get to skate today cause its raining #whatever im gonna get in bed and watch movies til i can go to sleep #if ive been bad at responding to msgs or not posting as much . this is why 👍 #any sort of change like this makes me isolate myself like crazyy

[silenthillbunni]

._.

#no to be mean but sometimes i just dont have the energy to make myself like reply to ppl nd try to interact #continiously ppl block me bc i dont reply fast enough or etc etc #nd it's just like damn i tried just to get blocked???? 🥴🥴🥴 #also funny thing in my experience it's mostly girl mutuals who lose patience nd block me #hmmm inchresting 🧐 #anyway im wording this clumsily but like im just so exhausted nd my heart's tired #im tired of building some sort of light online attachment to someone #just to feel crushed when i notice they've blocked me nd i dont even know why??? #also wanna be clear that im referring to ppl i've talked to. not just interactions. sksks 🥴 #i know not everyone will block me nd i know there r nice ppl here but like i dont have the energy to sort thru it all #or take chances bc im tired 😭😭 #i feel bad bc there r ofc very kind ppl who reach out to me nd stuff but in my bones im dejected #like what if i actually do start talking nd i start feeling affinity to u nd slight healthy attachment nd then boom one day u block me??? #i feel mean nd oversensitive complaining abt this but idk 😣 #i liked this mutual nd talking to them but they blocked me nd idk whyyyy what did i do i always do smth y'all gotta fill out a form telling #maybe if i had irl friends i wouldnt care tho im aware im a loser

[honestyikes]

drawn on the mouse pad of my laptop

#fanart #south park #comic art #kinda #i suppose #sort of #im bored #message me #im so tired #stan marsh #kyle broflovski #eric cartman #kenny mccormick #im actually really happy #i just seem depressed bc idk how to use emojis #see I would put a skull emoji in the end of that #but idk how #anyways yeah #goodnight #or good morning #or whatever #but like #bye

[ozymoron]

reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

#⚠️ #personal #having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason #cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin #clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person #regardless of what the actual post is about #i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions #cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have #the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy #idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person #the fact i even struggle with this #sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me #maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared #cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping #how much is too much when do i stop #<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense #like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of #those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do #this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something #cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man #im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion #i feel like most times its both #i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like #showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online #idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd #vent #so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again #lord i need to get out of here