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joshslater · 4 years

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Pink Drink Twink

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“Compliments from the gentleman in the corner” said the bartender as he placed the girliest of cocktails in front of me. A martini glass with a pinkish liquid, and a bright neon pink cherry on a stem in the middle. I looked up at Matt, who faced the right direction and saw his quizzical look turn into disgust. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. It’s that fucking leather fag again. He’s still trying to score, even after what you told him” To say I rejected him was an understatement. Luckily freedom of speech trumps hate crime laws. Matt was just about to pour out the drink on the floor, when I stopped him.

“Hey, he’s not the one who has to clean it up.” Matt held the glass still for a few moments before setting it down next to our beers. “It’s harassment, that’s what it fucking is.” “Good luck convincing someone that handing out cocktails is harassing someone. In fact...” I said, picking out the cherry, dumping it in one empty beer glass, then pouring the liquid into another “...it is now acceptable free booze.” “Well, I’m not touching it.” “You are not pretty enough to have burly men buying you drinks.” “Thank fuck for that.”

It didn’t taste that special. Sweet raspberry with too low ABV to be interesting. But easily flushed down with another beer before we split. Matt had work in the morning, the plight of manual labor, but I had all weekend off. Despite our different trajectories after we graduated, we still enjoyed each other’s company. He was a dumbass, but made friends instantly with everyone, and I made heavy use of his truck.

It was such a surprise to wake up early Saturday morning. Sure, we didn’t drink heavily, but I was normally tapping my way through snoozes in my phone’s alarm. Now I woke up earlier than that, without even setting one. I could only pretend to be annoyed though, because I felt better than in weeks. Fully rested and full of energy. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, so I got up and got dressed. I made a mental note to be more consistent with my gym times. I looked much leaner than I recalled, but then those things hava a tendency to sneak up on you until you realize something needs to be done. Then I went to the mirror.

The pink hair is the most striking, of course, but to me the eyes are what makes the most impact. I have trouble comprehending what I see. Reflected back I see a version of myself that has been altered in far too many ways to count. It isn’t the brown-eyed, black-haired, chiseled ex-lacrosse player I was used to see, but someone with much more boyish features. My jawline is still pretty much there, but my nose is very different from what it used to be, and my eyes are greyish-blue with a sort of surprised or naive expression. What the fuck happened?

I let my fingers run through my pink tinged hair. It felt silky smooth, like I was an obsessive user of conditioner. It must be the pink cocktail. That’s the only thing out of the ordinary I could think of. What about Matt? I rushed to the phone and picked him from the phone history. It felt like an eternity as signal after signal went by.

“It’s Matt” “Thank fuck Matt, have you...” I stopped myself. I didn’t sound anything like I would usually sound like. I sounded like a teenager again. “Jeremy, is that you?” “Yeah. Is everything... normal?” “I would say so, yes. You sound really weird.” “I think I got something. Talk to you later.”

So some disgusting leather homo tries to pick me up at a bar. I turn him down. He hands me a potion or something that turns me into what exactly? What is his end game? It’s not like I would have sex with him, or any guy, just because I look like I’m in a boy band.

I’m confident I’m not just suddenly realizing I’m slimmer, but that too is due to the potion. I decide to not just chill all day as planned, but to go to the gym and see what the damage is. I figure I can wear a beanie to avoid looking like a weirdo.

Cardio is going great. I feel the positive energy from waking up pulsing through the body, and I’m going faster and for longer than I normally do on the treadmill. It’s like I woke up fully charged for the first time in months. As I move over to weights it turns sour quickly. I’m so much lower in weight than I normally do that it isn’t funny. I can barely do a few reps on what I would typically do 10-15 reps on. I drop to a lower weight, but now I’m tired instead and can barely do a few on the lower weight. I move between exercises, and it’s the same again and again. What’s worse is I’m getting an erection, perhaps from all the straining. It has never happened before. I give up on the set and head towards the locker room. I decided against taking a shower, not only because of my boner, but I realize I would have to take off my beanie. Instead I jog back home, which is feeling surprisingly good, all things considered.

Once back home go straight to the shower, rip off my gym clothes and throw them in a heap. I step into the shower and almost turn on the water before remembering to take off the beanie. I throw it on top of the pile, and let the water start running on my damp skin. Damn it feels good. It’s like everything is more sensitive today. My hard-on, that never really went away during the jog, perks up. I take plenty of soap and spend a good thirty minutes having the best wank in weeks, and end up pumping out liquid as if I was a soap dispenser myself. I’m so deep in trouble.

I’m struck by post wank clarity. All of this, even though parts of it is really fucking good, is because of that frilly drink. I must find that creep and confront him as soon as possible. Unfortunately it’s not even lunch yet, and there isn’t even a guarantee he would be at the bar tonight, or ever again. My plan of chilling and doing nothing for the day turns into anxiously doing nothing. I waste some time on unfocused gaming with terrible results. I’m not hungry, but eat a bowl of yogurt while browsing stuff I can’t remember 30 seconds later. Everything is just unbearable, so I put on my damp gym clothes again and leave for a run.

I’ve never been a big fan of running before. If this is another change forced upon me I’m actually kind of OK with it. It feels amazing to just ignore everything that is happening and just run at random. I don’t know for how long, but as I’m getting close to home again I start to sprint. I run as hard as I can, really giving it my all. It’s amazing. I’m soaked in sweat, panting deeply, and again have a throbbing erection. I don’t bother to reflect on any of it. I just pretend that everything is amazing, have an amazing shower with amazing soap and an amazing wank.

As I dry off myself my phone begins to ring. I know right away from the bathroom that it is Matt calling. Long ago I gave him the Nokia ringtone on my iPhone, which at some point was hilarious.

“Hi Matt” I shock myself with my voice. It has shifted even more since this morning, and now sounds like an obnoxious brat. “Hey, I just came off. Are you OK? You still sound different.” “I’m not really feeling like myself. It’s probably best if I stay in tonight.” “OK. I have some Netflix to catch up on. Get well. Target at ten tomorrow?” “Yeah, sure. Bye.”

I walk over to a mirror. I don’t look that different from this morning, do I? What if this wasn’t a change, but a process that has just begun? That I am slowly turning into someone else. Or something else. I look at the time on the phone. Still hours until the bar opened, so plenty of time to go crazy while thinking of this.

We had been at the bar much later yesterday, but I can’t risk missing him if he is early today, and I can’t stand sitting at home anyways. I dress simply, a white T-shirt and skinny jeans, and head over to the bar only half an hour after they opened. The bouncer takes forever to check my ID before letting me in. He is not here, but then so is no one else. Besides me and the staff there are only a handful of people. I tell the bartender that I’m looking for someone and might be here a while, order a diet coke, and grab a table by the wall from which I can see the entrance.

Three hours, two daiquiris and three diet cokes later I’m utterly bored. It’s only a quarter past eight, and so much more evening left, but I feel restless and tired at the same time. We didn’t arrive until well past nine, and the place doesn’t close until two. At what point do I give up?

Just as I’m thinking that I see him. The balding man in his forties, in black leather boots, black jeans and black leather jacket. I don’t like him. It looks so fake, the leather outfit he wears. Like he is pretending to be a gay tough guy from 1980. I quickly empty the last of my drink and start approaching him before he orders anything or grabs a seat. When his gaze catches me moving his way, his face turns smug and confident.

“Hi there, puppy. Looking for daddy” “Make it go back!” “Make what now?” “You did this to me, now undo it.” “I have no idea what you are talking about, puppy, or who you are” “You were hitting on me yesterday” “I hit on a lot of puppies, but I sure would have remembered you.” “You bought me a pink drink.” “You? YOU?! Well, I knew there was something to you. Have you changed your mind?” “What did you put in the drink?” His expression change completely. “I don’t know what you’re raving about. I never touched it. Is this a date rape accusation, because if it is you’ll have to talk to my lawyer. There is video recording in here after all.” “It’s... No, it’s not.” “If you excuse me, I think I’ve had enough of you.”

What did I expect? That he kicked his boot heels together and transformed me back? Did I really not have a better plan? If this really was his doing, he probably would have been prepared for this confrontation. Ready to take advantage of me. But he looked as surprised with my transformation as I was.

I walk back home, feeling dejected, disappointed and lost. What would I do next? Is there anything I can do? Another wank for sure, because I start to get that feeling and my skinny jeans aren’t doing me any favors. With some difficulty I do my best to get out of them as quickly as possible once inside the door. I go straight to my bed, lie down and start jacking off. I’m not even thinking about something in particular. Despite only having had two drinks I’m feeling a bit tipsy, in a good way. Like my body is glowing, and lying on my bed, wearing only a T-shirt and socks, jacking off, is the most amazing thing I could do with my life. It takes like forever until I shoot my load all over the front of my T-shirt, and once I’ve done that I continue to stroke myself until I drift off into sleep.

The Nokia ring tone coming from my front door wakes me up. I’m not tired, but somewhat confused as you are when woken in the wrong part of the sleep cycle, so I’m jumping out of bed almost involuntary. There is an uncomfortable tug as my body shifts and pulls the T-shirt glued by dried cum away from my torso. In the hallway lies a pair of skinny jeans playing the Nokia ringtone. In a pocket somewhere Matt is calling. I feel my way to the phone and answer.

“Hi Matt” My voice hasn’t changed much. I still sound like an arrogant teenager on an online game voice chat. “Hey dude. I’ll be perhaps ten minutes late. See you in half an hour.” “Yeah. No, wait!”

He has already hanged up. As I turn and look into the hallway mirror I’m stunned. The change from yesterday is even greater than from the day before. My hair has turned cotton candy pink and all my facial features have softened even more. I look at least five years younger, and my eyes have turned into proper blue. No one who knew me would recognize me anymore. I wouldn’t. My ID is worthless, and no fake ID would ever get me into a bar. What the fuck is going on. Am I shorter? I think I might actually be shorter than yesterday.

Normally on Sundays Matt and I go grocery shopping at Target in his pickup. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I need someone to help me figure out what is going on. I look at the phone again. I’ve already wasted four minutes. I need to shower and get dressed before he arrives. I rush into the bathroom, undress and get into the shower.

It’s like time stops when I turn on the water. The warm water makes my entire body tingle. My skin looks perfect and glistens wet in the bathroom light. I can’t see a single spot or blemish, though I know I had plenty. Not a single hair, though I most definitely had that before, except for the small, tight bush of cotton candy pink pubes. The sensation is so fucking incredibly amazingly sensual I start rubbing my dick. Not a proper jerk off, just small circles of my palm against my dick. I know I’ve lost even more mass since yesterday, but it looks like I’ve lost body fat too, because you can see a faint washboard. At least there is still some muscle left. As amazing as this feels, I can’t really be upset about any of the changes. Not here and now. I’m aware I’m moaning. I sound like Cindy in pol.sci. first time I fucked her.

The doorbell brings clarity. Matt is here already? I turn off the water and jump out of the shower. While I’m frantically drying myself I look for something to wear. Strewn on the floor are funky gym clothes and a cum-stiff T-shirt. I grab the beach bag from under the sink and put on my swim trunks. The bell again. I rush over to the door and open it.

At the moment I see Matt on the other side I realize it could have been someone else. What a shock that would have been for of us. Now it was just a shock for Matt.

“Holy Shit!” “Yeah. I know...”

The contrast is extra painful seeing Matt in his chill Sunday outfit. Relaxed jeans, navy sweatshirt on his wide upper body, hiding his muscles, but at the same time signaling that they are definitely there. He’s a head taller than me. We used to be the same height, the same build, the same outfit. Holy shit indeed. I stand there with ruffled pink hair, naked except for swim trunks that barely hides a raging hard-on. He looks bewildered.

“Matt, you must help me.”

He doesn’t answer, but I can see his bulge grow in his jeans. For the first time since I can’t remember how long I feel vulnerable. I’m literally exposed, one piece of clothing away from naked. He is standing in front of the closed door, the only way out. If he chooses to do something, there is nothing I can do to stop him. He is so much taller than me now, stronger, wider. I know the muscles below that sweatshirt of his. We’ve worked out together, so I’ve seen his chest both doing exercises and later naked in the shower. My arm is moving up his abs to his pecs, under the T-shirt, below his sweatshirt. He is frozen in place as I rub myself against his groin.

“Dude, are you alright?” Matt asks me, and I realize what I’m doing. I take a step back. “I can’t help it. Ever since that fucking pink cocktail I’ve been...” I don’t know what to say. What isn’t obvious about my situation is unexplainable. I see Matt struggle with something, before blurting out. “Would you mind continue what you were doing?”

Tentatively I stick my hand under his shirt again and rub against his body. “But... Do you mind doing it?” he asks. I don’t, I realize. But do I mind that I don’t mind? This must be part of the transformation that is happening. But Matt isn’t any random person. “Not with you, I don’t.” “Thank fuck for that.” He says and looks relieved. “Why?” “I... Sooo last Friday I might have put something in your beer that might have something to do with this...” “YOU FUCKING WHAT?” I don’t know what shocks me most, Matt’s betrayal or that he was able to pull off something like this at all. “It sounded like a good prank. A few drops and you would act all... different.” “Why the fuck would you want that?” His eyes starts tearing up and his voice is almost a whisper. “Because I like you. A lot.”

I’m still standing with my hand against his chest and have no clue what to do next. Fucking dumbass Matt admitted to ruin my life, outed himself as gay and professed his love for me in like 5 seconds. At least I think that’s what just happened. I slowly shift into a hug, and he hugs me back. I’m angry, I feel pity, but most of all I’m still horny. Damn all this.

Suddenly Matt breaks free. “I’ll drink it too!” “What? No! Look at me.” “It’s only fair.”

I’m quickly weighing my options, and come to a decision.

“No. You did this, so I decide what is fair. You do whatever I tell you to do. You show up when I tell you to. And we’ll have sex in whatever way I tell you to.” “Wah... We’ll...” “You heard me. I’ve been so fucking horny all weekend from those ‘few drops’ I don’t care what I fuck anymore. I want you naked in my bed within 30 seconds” “It was more of a dash than drops.” “25 seconds”

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lifewithchronicpain-original · 4 years

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Just a special TW, this whole post is about weight and food.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my older sister, but her ableism is really bad. Especially when it comes to food, I have said many times to my mom she acts morally superior about food. She blames every ill on food like it’s the only possible reason people have illness. I told her last night I was going in on an exercise bike with my mom. She tells me “I lost 47 pounds after my first pregnancy and let me tell you it’s food”

I’m so tired of people telling me what I should be eating when illness and autistic picky eating has destroyed my ability enjoy a lot of foods. I am making small changes as best I can to eat healthier. The reality is my caloric intake is not any different than when I was working. The difference was I biked to work or I had to walk to and from a train station to work. I’ve completely lost most of my exercise. I’m so inactive I have gained about 30 pounds. I used to hover around 150, now I’m 180 which is, no getting around it, fat.

In 2013 I attempted suicide and at the time I was 100lbs due to the emergence of my IBS and GERD and depression stopped me from eating. ECT helped my mood and consequently even allowed me to eat more. I told myself I’d rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. Unfortunately I developed intractable pain in 2016 and became fat and miserable.

In any case, my goal here isn’t to get back to my working weight. If I only lose 10-15 and not my goal of 20, I’m fine with that. My goal is to get to place where I exercise regularly for the good of my heart. I have pre-hypertension right now. I have to check my BP at CVS now and it’s often not good. I need to get this in check and cardio is how you do it. I just want to be active, not skinny. I also don’t want to have to redo my entire closet because of weight.

For someone who doesn’t even realize they get enormous amounts of exercise just from taking of care of toddler and being naturally busy anyway, don’t tell me it’s food and not exercise. I have gone from sedentary to practically bed bound. I need this bike so I don’t get an early heart attack. Food matters but there’s no fucking mystery to why I gained weight here.

And yeah, maybe I do sometimes go on chocolate binges. I think I may have an addiction but I largely think the problem is depression and a frustration with what I can’t eat, it’s like chocolate is the only god and safe food, although I pay for chocolate binges, trust me. But if I can commit to going into my cellar and cycling 30 minutes a day, I will get endorphins and it does effect depression, that’s proven. If I’m doing things to help my depression, it will help me manage binges.

You know it’s like, you know your body. Losing weight from pregnancy is Not the same as losing weight from forced inactivity due to pain. I know what I’m doing and I don’t need someone who doesn’t understand that people don’t have the choices in food she has to tell me what I should be doing with my diet.

Yeah I’m fat, but the problem is my BP not my fat. Exercising probably won’t get me all the way back to 140-150 lbs (My summer and winter ranges respectively back when I was getting enough exercise), but I will lose some weight and make all the difference with my heart. That’s all I need and want.

End rant.

#chronic pain #spoonies #chronic illness #disability #ableism #weight tw #food tw #suicide tw

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lexosaurus · 5 years

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Writing Tips From Your Local Mess

Disclaimer, everyone’s body is different. These are just my experiences. I just wanted to give some helpful anecdotes for people researching for writing because I know this shit can be useful.

1. Fainting

Background: In high school I had to go on a very restrictive diet for health reasons and ended up accidentally giving myself electrolyte depletion and started randomly passing out.

According to my doctor, the brain kinda uses fainting as a reset button of sorts. So most of the time, you’re only unconscious for a few seconds, if that.

I could usually feel it come on. But I didn’t wanna be a wuss so I didn’t say anything. Also sometimes I didn’t even faint.

One thing I did do was when I felt them coming on, I had enough time to move so I was standing over carpet or something at least sort of soft so I wouldn’t hit my head on concrete or anything.

Waking up was a trip because in the movies and stuff people usually wake up all disoriented and “where am I?? what happened??” but that wasn’t even close to reality with me. Cuz I knew where I was and I knew what happened.

I literally acted like I had smoked a ton of weed when waking up. No joke. I was a giggly mess. My doctor said it was because my brain was being flooded with oxygen I think. Like I remember trying to tell my school nurse I was fine and I didn’t need the wheelchair, because I genuinely didn’t, AND I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING. She was like “Rightttt okayyyy yeah you’re sooo fine yeahhh” and I was standing there like “Huehueheu no for real hahaha i’m lolol i’m so fine! trust me hahaha!”

Like I’m not kidding people literally asked me if I was high the next day because they just witnessed me collapse on the ground, wake up uncontrollably giggling, and then be escorted out of whatever room I was in pushing a wheelchair and still giggling.

2. Mild to Moderate Electrical Shock

Background: I was renting an apartment with a garbage disposal that had a loose wire. I was shoving some food down there, my hand went past the rubber stopper, and my hand entered the wet electrical field. The electricity went up my arm.

Your bones get this weird vibrating thing idk how to describe it. It’s genuinely something I can’t compare to any other sensation. Weird vibrating is the best I can do.

It really just burns. Like my arm wasn’t twitching or anything after. I couldn’t see any sparks. My arm felt like it was resting on a hot pan and the pan was vibrating.

I actually stuck my hand in there three times (the third time I got legit shocked which was painful) because the buzzing thing was so odd, I thought I was making it up in my head. So the burning only happened the third time when I just fucking went for it.

I didn’t know what happened for a solid 5-10 minutes after. I was aware something had gone wrong, and my arm was now red, but I didn’t have anything to compare it to so I made myself a sandwich and it was only when I was mid-sandwich consumption that I realized “oh fuck i got electrocuted.”

3. Fractured Ribs

Background: I had a whole ass cocktail of breathing problems and diseases over the course of several months and ended up coughing so much I fractured at least one rib.

If I’m being honest, it’s not that big a deal. Idk. I think my period cramps hurt way worse. And if you take advil and shit it’s not that bad

Your ribs go all the way around your body, so I didn’t realize for a while that there might have been a problem because my rib got fractured on the side of my torso. So. Just FYI it’s not always gonna be on your chest.

Like any broken bone, it hurt to press down on that specific rib in that specific spot of the fracture. I couldn’t sleep on that side of my body for a time, and laughing and coughing was lil painful.

Overall, not the worst thing ever. I still did weight training and stuff with it, I just didn’t do any serious cardio for a lil bit. But that was all.

You don’t wrap your chest or bind it in any way in the event of a fracture. You really can’t. Basically, you just take mild pain relievers and wait it out.

4. Getting Too Drunk

Background: I went to college.

I wasn’t gonna include this one but I just godda say NO ONE hiccups when they’re too drunk. No one. If someone does, it’s cuz idk they just are just like sometimes when you’re sober you hiccup.

So those “Hey...*hic* how are you *hic* doing?” quotes I see in fanfiction and sometimes in published writing need to go.

You talk slower and slur a bit and you’re a bit overconfident and bold in your general life decisions but you don’t hiccup oh my god.

5. Being Temporarily Blind

Background: Tried out a new contact brand that happened to have an oopsie in the factory, and so my contacts got doused with some chemical that wasn’t supposed to be in there.

So my specific case, I was “blind” for one week and it was due to my light sensitivity being completely corrupted so I couldn’t even open my eyes in a dark room as it was too “bright” and my eyelid muscles wouldn’t do it.

Honestly, it was pretty boring. When you lose your vision, you don’t suddenly gain magical abilities from your other senses. I wasn’t able to hear any better or smell any better. Blind people have “better” senses because that’s what they use to navigate, so it takes a while to train those senses to work with you like that. Someone losing their vision for a short period of time isn’t gonna suddenly be an expert sniffer or anything.

Showering and stuff was a bit difficult, because I literally couldn’t open my eyes at all, but I put my conditioner lid face down and my shampoo lid face up, so it wasn’t that bad.

No, I didn’t drop my toothbrush in the sink or in the toilet or anything. I lost my vision, not my coordination.

Yes I did crash into walls. In my own house. But no, I didn’t fall down the stairs at all. Thank god.

I couldn’t use my phone at all (because I don’t know how to use the blind settings) and I was dealing with a lil bit of a pressing issue anyways, so uhhh what happened was I literally just dropped off the face of the earth for a week. All my classmates knew was that one day I was acting kinda weird and complaining about the color spectrum being wonky, and the next day and days following I wasn’t in school or clubs and all contact with me was futile. Rumors about me being in the hospital circulated, probably due to my mom, and that’s all people knew. So you can only imagine the stories I heard afterwards.

That’s all I can think of right now. Uhh yeah as someone who enjoys writing these are some things I thought might be useful. Please feel free to add onto this if you have any experiences you think could be good for people to know. Please remember, this is all anecdotal and shouldn’t be taken as a medical bible for your writing purposes. It’s just a new perspective to think about.

#quality content #writing reference #what can i say except you're welcome #listen ok if ur worried my sanity is totally fine #i've just had a lot of fun in life #some might say i've really pushed the limits on what the body can handle #but ya girl's still killing it #so #ya know #we all good

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missartus · 3 years

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Merry Christmas!

Figured that I should write a post at Christmas, given all the chaos that’s been 2020 lol. Well, for one, Covid’s still here and so it’s still been pretty hard for everyone. Personally, my Christmas obviously changed in a way that it’s more chill this time around. Not that I’m complaining ‘cause this is probably my most preferred way of celebrating the holidays, but I’d rather have a chill Christmas because I wanted it and not because the circumstances forced us to. I didn’t even bother to dress up nor put on some makeup because I was really lazy to do so, and to be honest, the Christmas spirit isn’t really as felt this time around. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this.

Anyway, I didn’t really intend to make a depressing post LOL. It’s the other way around, actually. I’ve been meaning to write something for a few days now but I’ve been lazy. I actually wanted to say that given all the chaos, thankfully I had a couple of things that kept me sane. They’re mostly new hobbies and interests, and some may come off as a shock, even. So here are my life updates so far. A list of things that helped me survive 2020 😌

Baking

It started with a box of pancake mix. A few months back, I was supposed to make some pancakes for an afternoon snack, but then I was kinda tired with eating pancakes that I wondered if there is any other way I can turn that mix into. I eventually ended up with these hard chocolate turnovers lmao. After that, I was suddenly baking almost every week. So far, I’ve baked coffee buns, lemon bars, pandesal!, pound cakes, cookies (ofc), and cinnamon rolls. I’m targeting to go for naked cakes but I am yet to buy an electric mixer. For someone who hates measurements and all, it’s a shock for me to be into baking. But it’s been so therapeutic for me. The kneading of the dough, the whisking, mixing, the rise, the waiting on the oven — so zen. I guess, it’s cause it keeps my mind off of things, and whenever I bake, I’m just so focused on what I’m doing. So it’s like, I’m in my own bubble of productivity for a long while. Also, I’d say it kinda helps with my self-esteem, as baking has allowed me to prove to myself that I can do something delish. Whenever I look at the finished products, I couldn’t believe that I, me, Mich, me, did that! I think that happened when I made pandesals and when I really liked the cinammon rolls. I was like, “Omg, I can’t believe I did this!” Aside from my fam, I’ve sent a few of my pastries to friends as well, and some say that I should start a business already lol. But that’s so far from my mind right now. I mean, I’d want to, in the future. But not sometime soon. I still want to enjoy this season where I’m plainly learning and enjoying the process of baking. I don’t, and am not, prepared for the pressure and hassle of it all yet. 🤪

Workout

I’ve been working out for a few years now but I wasn’t as consistent as how I’ve been the past couple of months. I used to workout every freaking day, but lately it would just be about thrice or four times a week. My past blog posts would give you a hint about my relationship with my body and food. It hasn’t been really nice in general, but working out really does help me improve my mindset towards my body image. Admittedly, I began working out because I wanted to lose weight, but eventually (and thankfully), it transformed into me working out because it makes me strong and it benefits my mental health a lot. I do a variety, although most times I’d do cardio, then I’ll just pair it up with either weights or another round of cardio but dance.

The process has been fun, and I don’t really pressure myself or limit myself when it comes to food. I still eat whatever’s there, but right now it’s all portion control, really. In all fairness, I think because I’ve been working out, my appetite isn’t as huge as it used to be. I get fuller fast these days, and I rarely binge-eat, unless I re-stock on Korean grocery food hahahaha. Anyway speaking of Korean, here’s my last interest update...

BTS

Yup. As in that K-pop boyband. As in Bangtan Sonyeondan. As in that band who’s taking over the world. What a plot twist, right? I’ve never been into K-pop to begin with, so BTS (and eventually, K-pop in general) is probably my biggest musical plot twist so far. I initially was supposed to write a whole separate blog post about this (because that’s how OBSESSED I AM WITH BTS) but I figured that I’ll just include them in this “life update” entry. But for real, it began back in October, when I saw this screenshot of RM’s WeVerse comment/reply to a fan. I’m pasting it here for reference lol.

For some reason, I was really impressed after seeing this. I’ve known the band for a while already. I know how big they are and I even have friends who are huge fans. I’ve seen a couple of their online content in the past as well, but I think it was this image that made me really realize why they’ve been getting so much attention and why their fanbase just keeps on growing. This was the first time that I “got it”, if you know what I mean. Anyway, a bit after that my ARMY friends messaged me and I was immediately swooped into the world of BTS. I don’t regret any of it though haha! I have so much feelings about this topic (lololol) but I’ll try to hold back. Who knows, I might continue with that separate blog post anyway 💁‍♀️ My bias is Namjoon (my goodness, this man is such a dream), while my bias wrecker is Jimin. Although I think my bias wrecker changes everyday now lmao. 😂 I’ll say this though, it wasn’t their pretty faces that got me. If anything, I think that really comes as secondary, because what made me an Army was their talent, their story, and their character. These boys are really men of substance, and their songs and advocacy can attest to how principled they are. Their songs have also helped me so much as I am still in the process of improving myself, my mental health, and all these introspective things. I remember this one time where I bawled my eyes out when I was reading through the English translation of Answer: Love Myself. In a year when I almost lost myself again due to how depressing this year was, it feels good to root for something, or in this case, someone, and see them flourish in success. They really started at the bottom, and I guess in a way their story also inspires me to keep on doing what I’m doing, knowing that someday, everything will make sense and I’ll finally make it.

BTS also led me to listen to other K-pop acts as well such as Day6 (another fave!), Monsta X, Shinee, IU, Henry, and BlackPink (very recently hahaha) Ok, I’ll stop right there. 😬 Funny how I just cannot get the K-pop hype for so many years, and now I’m genuinely enjoying it. It’s become my go-to work soundtrip also as I don’t get carried away by singing along to the lyrics as, ofc, it’s in a different language lol.

Plants

I remember last year when my colleagues at work gave me this plant and they assured me that it won’t die but it did. It kinda made me think that I don’t have a green thumb and that I can never maintain a plant. But guess what, I have about 7 plants now and THEY’RE ALL THRIVING SO WELL. I’m so invested in these plant babies and I’m so proud of myself that they’re all so alive and doing well. There were some scares, I admit. Like this one time when I attempted to re-pot my Syngonium Arrowhead and it almost died lol but I re-did it and thankfully it resurrected hahahahaha. Again, just like what I said about BTS and my baking, my plants are also testament to how it feels nice to root for (no pun intended) something and see them thrive, and how it feels so satisfying and reassuring to see something that I’ve been taking care of live healthy and happy.

So yeah, there’s that.

Those are what my life has been circling around these days. As I’ve said, I’m very grateful that I got into these things, little as they may seem as compared to others. But hey, they make me happy, and I think at this point in time, as long as something makes you happy and sane, that’s all that matters. You do you, girl. Wow, I can’t believe that I wrote this long. It’s been a while since I did! Anyway, I’m gonna end this here now as it’s getting late and I still have stuff to do.

Merry Christmas!

#rantsandjoys

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danielletinybruiser · 4 years

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On Competing as a blue belt

Last week -- exactly a week ago, I’ve made myself ruminate for a few days before posting -- I competed at Grappling Industries Manhattan. It was first time at GI at blue, though in December, I did my first blue belt tournament. Most of this, I wrote a week ago, but I have a few other conclusions here that I’ve added. Here goes!

January 18 2020

I competed today for the second time at blue belt (I did a sub only in December where I lost all my matches but got a bronze and a silver, but, since precisely none of them were in my weight class, I wasn’t mad about it).

Today was the toughest mentally. Out of my now-6 tournaments, I’ve never been this crushed and had to come from as far behind. I had a good warmup and went into gi feeling nervous -- the masters (30+) division disappeared and I was in the open division with teens and tough high level competitors that I suspect are being groomed for better things. Well I fucking sucked. I have no confidence in the gi, which doesn’t help, but I’ve been training it more lately, about 3 days per week out of 5-6 training days (I cross train on any days I don’t train BJJ). The last match was at least a little better and I got a couple of takedowns, but lesson number one today is:

I NEED TO TRAIN GI GRIPS

At this level and in my size (and 135 was a pretty good size today btw, most women were bigger/taller but I didn’t feel any weaker tbh) women in gi are technical. They pull guard and have game plans that start there. I have no answers for grips, even when I get into decent positions, I don’t control them because I just have such a completely no gi mindset.

I want to move fast, I want to do wrestling-y smash passes and work a top game and get to the back. And I even like playing guard from the bottom and searching for fun triangles and sweeps - but quickly. No friction! What’s this controlling grips shit?? It’s boring and hurts my shitty wrists and I hate it.

That needs to change. I need to work with technical gi training partners who can just give me drills and baby level stuff to start with, and drill that every day.

Because it’s a massive, massive deficit and also affects my confidence. I feel like a fucking stooge walking into other gyms as a blue belt with NO grip knowledge and no ability to control positions. I feel like a week 1 white belt, and I’ve been training fairly solidly for three years now. Yes, there were a couple of months off for injury. And yes, I know that I work full time (and part time on top of that, with a volunteer gig as an EMT on top of THAT). I am 100% not trying to be great. I’m not trying to beat people who train three times a day. I just want to feel like a solid blue belt with at least some technique no matter what division I enter.

Today was the worst I’ve ever felt in this sport. I’ve never been so demoralized. But thankfully, I was able to do a little reset. I took a nap, I warmed up again, and I went into no gi much more confident.

I did better there. I won a match by submission, got a draw in another (it was a loss due to ref’s decision, but I’m happy with how I did there), and fought hard and for much longer than I could against a really intense and skilled competitor. I got takedowns, I got good positions, hey, I got an RNC with one arm.

I feel so much better there. I feel like I’m developing and improving at an ok pace in no-gi. In gi, believe it it not I know I’ve actually improved, just... I’m not nearly on the level of my competitors. There’s a huge hole.

And I want to fix it. Badly.

Grips! Grip breaks! Grips for positions! I want to train them, drill them, roll with them until they make as much sense to me as my other stuff does.

And none of this comes from me thinking I’m hot shit. I don’t think I’m great or good or even halfway decent. I just want to improve. To get better and learn to relax, roll confidently, and be open to learning from each roll. To really, deeply learn. I am getting in the way if that in that damned Cotton jacket - and that stops now.

What went right - I proved in no gi at least, that I don’t lack the cardio or speed or strength to compete with young adults and lol teens. I feel just as athletic and at least in no gi, my skills are getting somewhere.

It feels good to see that progress. My standup is still not great, but improving. I’m having some success with takedowns and just generally feeling confident enough to shoot.

And here’s a thing...

I’m proud of myself for being able to rally after gi. I felt BAD. I was ready to quit jiu jitsu for a few minutes there. Just near tears, heartbroken at spending so much time and still sucking so much... Truly demoralized. But I’m glad I was able to compose myself and come back and at least show a bit of improvement.

In the week since, I’ve been training in the gi and bringing a gi jacket to practice grips in even for no-gi sessions, to practice after class. I’m making myself at least learn a few useful grip breaks and grips for standup. I’m really trying to focus on better control and focus my weight in the right places for passing. I’m training as smart as I can, and learning more guard breaking - as a result as well of my coaches seeing what went well in competition and where we need to work harder, as a school.

I’m going to turn 36 really soon. Just about three weeks from now. I’d love to keep competing often, even with an utterly atrocious win-loss record at grappling industries (I’m not going to hide it, it’s like 6-27 right now) and a bad wrist and all that bullshit. Because when I’m at least winning a little and forcing draws, and making demonstrable improvements, I love competition. I don’t need to medal every time (though yeah, I would VERY MUCH like to get back to winning medals again, lol, that feels nice!)

I’m going to work my tiny ass off until we see the next round of improvements. For the second half of my thirties, let’s let this be a good, solid, FUN, and useful time as an athlete.

#bjj #bjjwomen #combatsports

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breakfastteatime · 5 years

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Not!Friday Fanfic Friday

I keep thinking today’s Friday, so have a fic :P Have a dose of Thursday angst and humour, sprinkled with hurt/comfort.

And yes, I did turn my physio experiences into Noct’s. Also, exercise is great for mental health. Can’t recommend it enough. That whole runner’s high thing is legit... although it’s swimmer’s high for me because I’m not allowed on the treadmills ^^;

Physio helped.

Physio gave him strength.

Physio wasn't supposed to be easy.

Physio was supposed to make him better. That's why it hurt.

Those were the laws according to Gladiolus Amicitia.

"Ten more seconds, Noct," Gladio said.

Noctis swallowed every complaint.

"The burn's good for you."

Only an actual sadist would say that.

"Hold it. Don't let the shaking bother you. That’s just your muscles doing their job."

The Plank sucked. Especially after an entire cycle around the gym including weights, cardio and stretches. The plan was to rebuild his body's strength and stability. Noctis knew it helped; previous rounds of intense physiotherapy always helped in the past, but that didn't make it easy. He was definitely gonna feel this tomorrow. His back and bad leg had been especially troublesome lately, the combination of incredibly damp spring weather and another growth spurt conspiring to render him immobile. Which meant no combat training, just muscle strengthening and attempts to regain his pre-growth spurt flexibility. Because every time he grew, it brought a new set of challenges, undoing all his hard work.

And after a week out of school due to the chronic pain, Noctis would do whatever it took to escape the Citadel and get back to his normal life.

Gladio’s voice pulled him back to reality. "That's a minute."

Noctis didn't let himself collapse to the floor. That would hurt way too much. That said, he reached a certain point of lowering down when his arms just gave out on him. He hit the mat and groaned. No more today. He knew this pain. It wasn't the type that faded after ten minutes’ rest. This was the type that stayed unless tackled with medicine or magic and minimal amounts of movement. And given that Dad was busy and Noctis' control of healing magic sucked, it would be pills and bed for him. Unless this got any worse. Then he'd have to take one of the potions reserved for his worst days.

"Don't stay down there," Gladio said. "You'll seize up."

Gladio was right, but Noctis had pushed his body to its limits today. Sure, it was kinda stupid to go so hard, but he needed out. Also, the physio really had helped. His pain wasn't as bad as last week. His recovery times were faster than before. And he was actually able to do an entire circuit of the gym without stopping halfway through. Improvments for sure. Which meant his body needed to get it together so he could go back to school. He missed hanging out with Prompto; messaging wasn't enough.

"Can you get up?" Gladio asked in a serious tone, rather than the one used when he'd successfully parried one of Noctis' more ambitious, and ultimately doomed, attempts to kick his ass.

Pulse pounding in his throat, Noctis knew he wouldn't be getting to his feet alone. He shook his head.

Gladio held out a hand. "On three?"

Noctis took Gladio's hand. As promised, Gladio eased him to his feet. Noctis gingerly tested his bad leg. Not bad. Not exactly great, but it'd take his weight. Sort of. Like maybe a third of his weight. If he limped.

"Deep breaths," Gladio said. "Don't want you passing out on me."

Noctis took a breath. Okay, good. He didn't feel so dizzy now. He resisted the urge to lean into Gladio. He was sore and exhausted, the worst points of pain pulsing to the beat of his racing heart.

"Alright, we gotta go to the table. Work some of the issues out of your back."

Noctis restrained all complaints, mostly because they wouldn't be words but weary and embarrassing weeping instead. Gladio's deep tissue massages always felt great after he was finished. Unfortunately, they were pretty painful to endure, especially when his back had already hit its lowest point.

"Just focus on how good it's gonna feel once I'm finished," Gladio said. "You can take some meds then too. You know we have to - "

"Find the worst spots, I know." That way, Gladio could adapt the exercise programme. Slipping out of his t-shirt, refusing to dwell on the scar now exposed for all to see, Noctis settled on the massage table and enjoyed the brief relief being off his feet brought.

"Breathe, okay?" Gladio said. "Deep breaths. Focus on the end goal."

"You would've made a great motivational speaker," Noctis said.

"Hah hah."

Head turned to the side, Noctis watched Gladio grab a few essential oils to help with muscle tightness and swelling. They smelled amazing, and if Noctis focused on those, it took his mind off the pain. That, and the sound of rain washing over the window beside him. On a clear day he'd have a great view of the city, but today it was all lost to fog.

"Ready?" Gladio asked.

Noctis swallowed his fear. "Yeah, ready."

What followed was forty minutes of having his muscles, joints and bones pummelled. When Gladio found a particularly knotted muscle, he stayed with it until he was satisfied he'd worked it out. Noctis tried not to shudder when Gladio's hands and elbows worked over the scar. He hated the feeling of other people touching the gnarled, bumpy flesh. He barely liked touching it himself when he showered. Patches of it were completely deadened, but others? Sometimes he had nightmare of accidentally catching his fingers in it and clawing his way through his own ragged flesh until -

"Growing really doesn't agree with you," Gladio said, working in a particularly painful area in Noctis' lower back.

Tears sprung to Noctis' eyes. "I'd stop it if I could."

"Nah, you can deal with a bit of pain if it means you gain a few inches."

Right now, Noctis wasn't sure he agreed. And every time Noctis tensed or forgot to breathe, Gladio reminded him to relax.

"I know this sucks. Would you believe me if I told you your back's a lot better than it was at the start of the week?" Gladio asked.

"Yeah, I believe you," Noctis gasped when Gladio caught a particularly bad patch.

"Breathe," Gladio said.

Noctis gasped like he'd surfaced from deep water. "Trying."

Gladio never mentioned the wobble or crack in Noctis' voice.

Eventually, as promised, Gladio used gentler motions to soothe away the pain. By the end, Noctis was jelly. Sleepy, achy jelly. With maybe just a few tearstains on his cheeks.

"You wanna take a nap here?" Gladio asked.

He could. He really could. Except as comfortable as he was, it wouldn't feel so good later when he woke up cold and unmedicated. So instead, Noctis accepted a warm blanket and a helping hand. With Gladio's support, he shuffled back to his rooms. There, Ignis had already left out water and medication, giving Noctis the options of mild meds, powerful meds, and the specialist potions created for him by Dad and the doctors. Noctis went with option two. Ten minutes later, clad in fresh sweats and bundled under a fresher blanket, Noctis slept. And when Gladio woke him a few hours later for food and more stretches, Noctis had to admit this whole exercising thing was working. Slowly, sure, but he could feel the improvements. Soon, he knew, he'd be back to normal.

Still, it was nice to be able to settle on the couch in the parlour with a hot water bottle and feel relaxed rather than tense and uncomfortable. He checked his phone and replied to what looked like Prompto's live-messaging of another day at school. Come back soon, Noct! I can't take this boredom without you!

Noctis smiled and replied. I'll be back soon. Then you can copy from my notes again.

Isn't it your royal duty to help those less fortunate than yourself? We can't all be geniuses.

Noctis snorted.

"What?" Gladio asked.

"Prompto said I'm a genius."

"How'd you convince him of that?" Gladio asked.

"By actually doing my homework," Noctis replied. And getting top grades. Nothing less would suffice.

"Yeah, having Ignis around to make you do things sure helps your grades."

Noctis glared at him. "Ignis doesn't do it for me."

"Sure he doesn't."

"He doesn't! He's way too busy."

"Oh, so you would get him to do it if you could?" Gladio teased.

Noctis grabbed a pillow and threw it at him.

Bad idea. Pain rumbled down his back.

Noctis ignored it. The pain didn't compare to the sight of the pillow hitting Gladio square in the face. Definitely worth an extra ache or two.

"Oi," Gladio said. "You must be feeling better if you think you're gonna get away with that."

The pillow came back, smacking Noctis in the face. He fell back, laughing through his pain.

Gladio got up from his seat, grabbed the pillow from Noctis' lap, and gave his hair a ruffle. "It's good to see you're feeling better."

"Yeah," Noctis said. He looked up at Gladio, fist held out. "Thanks."

Gladio bumped his fist against Noctis'. "Any time."

#Breakfast Tea Tumblr Fic EXCLUSIVE #pre-game #Brotherhood Era #FFXV fic #hurt noct #gladio's a great big brother #ignis and prompto are mentioned #Breakfast Tea's adventures in physio #it only really hurts when my physiotherapist puts excess weight on my back #OW dude OW #he made me hop the other week when I was having a bad day #who knew hopping could be that painful?#but physio helps #like a lot #combined with swimming and yoga I'm having less pain #pain free days here I come!

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jen-iii · 6 years

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i saw your thing about the gym and meant to ask - whats your routine? :-0

I honestly change it up a little every day because 1) the gym is BUSY and what I wanna get thru will take some time so sometimes i have to skip a fe machines and i just either add more reps/weight on the ones that i do and 2) same thing everyday can get tedious and u can lose morale lol

(please also note that this is what works for ME and that I have had experience with gym equipment due to playing softball please go at the pace and settings that work for you!!!)

but in general I start with cardio with 5 minutes on the bike doing a fairly good clip not FULL speed but im definitely pumping you know?

- then move onto 3 minutes on this one fucking crazy ass elliptical full speed which KILLS but damn good cardio

- 5 minutes on the rowing machine, again full speed

-then to the leg machines, I do about 3 sets of 25x at each machines (theres about 4)

-then i go pick up a barbell (again, pick the weight that you can manage for multiple reps, NOT your max weight) and i do a series of drills that I learned during training for softball. please pick whats best for you during this because i do 3 sets of 15x curlups, then i switch my grip around and do another 3 sets of 15.

- i then bend forward, my back and knees should form an acute angle of sorts (straight back!!) and my knees should be slightly bent. i have the barbell parallel to the floor with my hands positioned by the knees. then you bend your elbows and raise the barbell till it touches your chest/ your hands are to your pitts. i do this again with 3 sets of 15x and then switch my grip and do it over again. (this works ur back muscles nicely.)

- Then I do some standing bench presses (basically im standing up and lifting the barbell from my chest and up over my head) I do 3 sets of 25x for these

-I then do a combination of all these where I pick the barbell from the floor, bring it to chest level like a curl up, squat with it, then proceed to stand up and lift it over my head. I then do these steps in reverse and tap the barbell on the floor before redoing them. I do this 15 times.

-after that i kinda meander thru the arm stations and do 3 sets of 15x again with them to get some of the muscle groups i may have missed

-I go to the back area and just do a FUCK load of ab workout machines. 3 sets of 25x on each

and thats basically what i fill my 2-3 hour gym time with. sometimes i add stuff or switch stuff out for floor workouts and such but yeah! I also go on a 3 mile walk with my dad when i get home! I’ve also been portioning controlling (im still eating the same stuff i like, but having a better grasp on portion size.), and swapping out like soda for water and chips with like fruits and stuff. so honestly im not really dieting (i literally went to a buffet yesterday lmfao) but it’s really been working with me! I’ve lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks and like, have already went down a size and a half due to the body fat lost!

#im feelin good!!#hope this helps!!#Anonymous #Jeni Rambles

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omganushkasharmauniverse-blog · 5 years

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Here’s why lifting weights is the most effective manner to lose weight

Ponder this situation: You’ve simply acquired a treasured process provide – a dream scenario to your career, in fact – however it comes with a few uncommon requirements. You have to cross shirtless at the process, tens of millions of human beings will watch you figure that way and, oh yeah, you want to acquire and preserve 10% frame fat or they’ll hearth your ass.

However, because you’re so busy doing this task, you have got best forty five mins, 3 days per week to exercise. Assuming you are taking the position, what might you do with that point? Go for a run? Hit the elliptical gadget? Search the process boards? Hire a body double?

This was exactly the predicament confronted through Andy Whitfield, who performed the lead in the American television drama Spartacus: Blood and Sand (think Gladiator meets 300). He became filmed genuinely naked in his Roman skivvies. As you could believe, he changed into pushed by both arrogance and fear whenever he seemed within the reflect.

You can probably relate. It’s natural to count on that an actor has a ways greater time for workout than the average guy does. But Whitfield’s schedule probably wasn’t a great deal unique from your very own. After all, he has a wife and young youngsters and spent most days on set from 7am to 7pm.

“For Spartacus, we dedicated a hundred% of our manufacturing time to developing awesome scenes,” says Whitfield. “So all the education I did turned into on my own time. And that’s pretty confined.” Sound acquainted?

Now don't forget that activity provide once more. If you were Andy Whitfield, what type of exercises could you do to stay lean at the activity? Warning: Most human beings have the answer all wrong.

For decades, we’ve been advised that the pleasant pastime for burning kilojoules and fat is cardio exercise. In fact, you can almost pinpoint the yr this concept started out to take preserve: 1977. That’s whilst Jim Fixx’s The Complete Book of Running was posted. This pleasant-dealer popularised the belief of jogging to improve health and lose weight, and it’s broadly credited with kicking off the running growth of the ’80s. Hundreds of studies due to the fact that then have said that cardio workout offers many blessings, from improving markers of heart-disease danger and handling mental stress to enhancing cognitive feature.

That’s all good. But in case you’re seeking to shed fat, the latest weight reduction studies will let you know to look some place else in your exercising recurring. “It’s type of like a self-fulfilling prophecy,” says exercising and nutrition scientist Dr Jeff Volek. “Any type of workout burns kilojoules. So if you’re told that going for walks is ideal and you start dropping kilos once you're taking it up, then you have no cause to agree with otherwise.” But Dr Volek’s studies gives him precise cause to doubt the traditional information approximately the superiority of cardio exercising for fat loss.

In one look at, Dr Volek and his group placed obese human beings on a reduced-kilojoule weight loss program and divided them into three companies. One organization didn’t exercise, some other achieved cardio exercising 3 days a week and a 3rd did each aerobic exercise and weight education three days every week. The effects: Each group misplaced nearly the equal quantity of weight – approximately 10kg in step with character in 12 weeks. But the lifters shed 2.Five extra kilograms of fats than folks that didn’t pump iron.

The weight they misplaced become almost pure fat, while the other two groups shed 7kg of lard, but also gave up 2.5-plus kilograms of muscle. “Think about that,” says Dr Volek. “For the identical quantity of exercising time, with diets being same, the individuals who lifted lost almost forty% more fats.”

This isn’t a one-time locating, either. Research on low-kilojoule dieters who don’t carry indicates that, on average, 75% in their weight loss is from fats and 25% of it's miles muscle. That 25% can also reduce your scale weight – hooray! – however it doesn’t do plenty for your reflection inside the reflect. (Can you say “thin-fats”?) However, if you weight teach as you weight loss plan, you shield your difficult-earned muscle and burn greater fats rather.

Picture it in terms of liposuction: The entire factor is in reality to cast off unattractive flab, proper? That’s precisely what you should demand out of your workouts.

There’s one argument for cardio exercise that has always been rock strong. It’s nicely documented that an interest like mild walking burns extra kilojoules than weight education, an interest this is exceedingly anaerobic. In truth, in case you pass through the numbers you locate that even golfing beats out a mild circuit exercise. But recent research suggests a new angle.

When workout physiologist Dr Christopher Scott began the use of a complicated technique to estimate electricity expenditure at some point of workout, his records indicated that weight schooling burns greater kilojoules than initially notion – as much as seventy one% greater. Based on those findings, it’s estimated that appearing simply one circuit of eight physical activities – which takes approximately eight mins – can expend 665 to 965kJ. That’s about similar to jogging at 1.6km in keeping with minute pace for the equal period.

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well-hidden-hot-mess · 4 years

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today’s thoughts

this is going to be rambly but what else is new. just had a bunch of random thoughts floating around in my head that i just wanted to get “on paper” so hopefully they’ll stop floating around my brain and taking up space where more important things should be and stop stressing me out.

to follow up on yesterday’s post, woke up feeling backed up and bloated so i was dreading the weigh in because i was sure i was going to have maintained or gained. which yes i know is stupid for it to be such a “worry” or be on my brain the first second i wake up but it wasn’t i swear. i was up at 5am and this happened at like 7am but the second i looked at my body and saw my stomach being all puffed out i was like this isn’t going to be fun... but i tried to be positive and be like look, yesterday you “only” (i need to stop using that word) went for a leisurely walk (i’ll go into that next) and did yoga for activity (even though I hit 11,000 steps) plus you didn’t drink all of your water and you ate an extra 230 calories in the form of a chocolate protein bar (more on that later too) so if you are up a little bit, it’s understandable and it’ll be okay... stepped on the scale, looked down, and was shook because I lost .9lbs... halle-fucking-luyah. i shouldn’t feel such a relief at that but i think it was just that weight was lifted (no pun intended) from my shoulders because i was kicking my ass so hard the last 10 days and wasn’t seeing any progress so it was just a lot of frustration built up since i knew there was zero reason this should be happening due to previous experience and just common sense with how this all works. oh idk if i mentioned, i did lower my macros yesterday back down because my activity level wasn’t as high as i thought it would be and i wasn’t as active in between my workouts and since i was maintaining pretty steadily, i figured that would be a good idea and i was right.

for the walk part, i forced myself to slow the f down and do an actual leisurely walk and ended up losing track of time and walking an hour and afterwards i wasn’t absolutely wrecked and useless the rest of the day. so that’s the plan from now on unless i’m doing cardio as my more intense workout of the day (like if i’m pairing it with yoga or something) or doing the stairs or something.

the protein bar. well i was all up in my feels and had no idea why and was just really tired and mentally drained but not like full on but like 75% done and just emotionalish. i had drank my preworkout and was determined to go workout but it like never kicked in and that kinda hinted to me that maybe i just needed a break and it would be better to do it today (my hip was ultra pissed plus i was exhausted so it wouldn’t have been the best and it would’ve just made me frustrated and not a positive experience). so i made myself a healthy dinner (air fried skinless chicken drumsticks (which holy fuck are my new favorite food ever) with asparagus and brown/wild rice) even though i wanted nothing to do with cooking (thankfully they were all already prepped) and figured they would fit in my macros. lol jk because the macros i thought i had left didn’t include the rice i had at lunch so with some switching around my carbs/fats, i hit everything pretty spot on. which i was happy about for .1 second until i wanted something sweet since that’s how i always end my day and i had zero macros left. so that little “fuck it” voice popped up and i was like you know what, it’s not going to kill me and i just want it so it’s fine, i don’t care (not like f it i don’t care but more like it’s only 230 calories, i’m not going to let that ruin my day) and crawled into bed. it was at that point that i realized i was emotional when a tiktok that was like “things will get better” like sweet but not like powerful enough to ellicit the reaction of tears rolling down my face. so i looked up exercise for depression figuring there’d be something that would help me and then one of yoga with adriene’s videos popped up called “yoga for depression” and it was like 15 mins so i’m like let me just do this in my bed and maybe i’ll feel better in general and less guilty for completely skipping the second workout. so i did that one... and then another... and another to total 45 mins. i felt so much better afterwards and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i fell asleep really quickly and easily after that so i’m so beyond happy i did it and feel proud of myself to not give into the impending binge that i could feel brewing and to not just give up on the day and stay in that negative headspace. so that was a good end to a could’ve been terrible day.

i went to target yesterday and as always went a little crazy with the spending but it was mostly on stuff i needed and healthy snacks that don’t go bad quickly. but my plan was to get back from my walk, eat something, clean myself up a little, and go to target so get there by like 12. i just couldn’t get myself to get up and go. i was ready, there was just something holding me back aka anxiety. like target is my happy place... i had more than enough money so it wouldn’t be a stressful thing... and i just couldn’t get myself to get up and go. i think quarantine and not working/leaving my apartment every day has made my anxiety expand into like very mild agoraphobia like symptoms. i finally was just like fuck it, i need to go now or else it’s going to be busy with all the kids getting out of school and people getting out of work so i ended up leaving at 3 finally. it’s just a weird feeling having this invisible thing holding me back to begin with but like ultra weird that it was holding me back from a place i love a little too much. but i’m proud that i pushed through and ended up having a nice relaxing visit and FINALLY found my favorite creamer (oat yeah oatmeal cookie flavor omg) when they’ve been out for months and a couple other fun snacks that i’m excited to try. plus i found cute little baskets to put in my shoe rack and i love them and some organizers for my bathroom drawers which desperately need to be reorganized so i’ll probably do that later since it’s a rainy day so i won’t feel guilty not being outside.

i’ve been thinking about work again and some things have been floating around in my brain. like making a youtube channel (about what? no fucking idea), or a podcast (again about what tho?), or a blog (same issues) or something like that where i can work from home for now on my own schedule until i’m ready to go back out into the real world and work again. i think i’m going to do some brainstorming about that today and report back.

my dad got me the new ninja air fryer/oven and omfg i’m legit obsessed. it’s like the only positive thing i have right now and as sad as that is, i’m ignoring how pathetic that is and just enjoying it for now. #ignoranceisbliss

i think i’m going to adopt a kitten like this week. i need something cute and fluffy and to make me happy and to focus on so i don’t go insane. nashville humane has so many cute little nuggets and one is a tuxedo and his name is elmo and i’m obsesseddddd.

okay this has been going on for way too long so i need to go chug an energy drink and get my walk started before the torrential downpour from the latest hurricane/tornado/whatever the fuck it is.

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winbratech · 4 years

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New Post has been published on https://winningbrain.com.ng/my-weight-loss-journey-took-a-hit-but-playing-badminton-kick-started-it-again/

My weight loss journey took a hit, but playing badminton kick-started it again

Although the lockdown has opened up, I have still been working from home, and trust me, it’s way too boring. Following the same routine every single day feels so mundane; there’s no fun in life!

In fact, my workout routine had also become pretty run-of-the-mill, and for a fitness fanatic like me, it was hard to understand why my weight loss game hit a plateau. Moreover, I was someone who was always enthusiastic about working out, but I saw myself turn into a “let’s sleep for 5 more minutes” type, and that got me wondering what really happened!

I also realised that stagnation was one of the biggest reasons. Well, this was bound to happen because I’ve been following the same old routine for six months, due to lack of equipment. But as my birthday is round the corner, I decided to shake up my exercise routine, and start playing a sport!

Bingo, what an idea! And guess what? I decided to go for badminton, maybe because that’s the only sport I know, but I am glad I made this choice. Oh and also, it fulfils social distancing (haha, that’s very important).

Just like an excited kid, I got myself a pair of rackets and corks, and got up the next morning to kick-start this new routine. The first day was a little tough, I experienced a little soreness in my body, but it only got better from there.

So, let me share how badminton helped me:

1. I lost weight, 2 kilos to be precise As I mentioned earlier, my weight loss had hit the pause button, and I was worried. But playing badminton helped me to lose 2 kilos in 20-25 days. I know it’s not a big number, but it got my motivation back for sure. And you know why I am even more ecstatic? That’s because my arms have become leaner, FINALLY!

Trust badminton if you want to lose kilos. Image courtesy: Shutterstock

2. I don’t have to do boring cardio anymore Good riddance from that cardio session, and the credit goes to my husband, who ensures that I run to almost every corner of the court to hit the shuttlecock. And boy, that makes me sweat like a pig.

The best part is right after that, I can begin my strength training exercises. Let me tell you, only an hour-long session is enough to burn calories, and you don’t have to do any more cardio training after that! But yeah, I did my post-workout stretches after a good badminton sesh.

3. I felt more energetic after playing badminton I think it was because I had a lot of fun, and it was my competitive streak that took this game to a whole new level. That’s why I didn’t feel the lethargy I would experience otherwise. Plus, I felt a sense of calm, something that was missing earlier. It acted like a great stressbuster for me, and today, almost 75% of my workout regime is devoted to badminton.

Playing a sport is a great way to recharge yourself. Image Courtesy: Shutterstock

It’s fun on the run for me, and who can forget the complementary weight loss? So, if you want to shake up your mundane exercise routine just like me, go for a sport. You won’t regret it!

The post My weight loss journey took a hit, but playing badminton kick-started it again appeared first on Healthshots.

#Health

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brerediddy · 6 years

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more than survive - chapter 5

Jeremy attempted to get through the rest of the weekend without a mental breakdown. He was pretty proud of himself, overall, because he’d managed to only have five panic attacks. It wasn’t ideal, but it was okay due to the fact that his world was crashing down around him. He had finally encountered a villain who was smarter and stronger than his worst dreams. Not only could he not feasibly defeat him in a single battle but now he had to work with him, for god’s sake. He had no choice: not when Michael was on the line. Jeremy had researched everything he could on the SQUIP but couldn’t find anything other than a news article about his destruction in the city. He sighed and shoved the mouse aside. He couldn’t keep thinking about this. He’d spent all of Saturday worrying and pacing.

Jeremy opened up Skype just out of curiosity. As the application opened, he stared at the green “online ” symbol next to Michael’s name. He wondered if this is how Gatsby felt. He desperately wanted to see him, to talk to him, to ensure that he was okay. Just as he was about to make his move, his monitor lit up as a ringtone began to play.

Incoming Call From: Michael

The other boy worried on his lower lip and accepted the call, pushing his hair off of his forehead. He hoped he looked at least semi-okay.

“Hey,” Michael greeted, a relaxed smile on his face. “I was bored and I saw you were online.”

Jeremy fought back a grin and immediately felt more at ease. “What's up?”

The boy shrugged. “Hanging out. How’s your weekend been?”

“It’s okay,” he lied. He didn't want Michael to press more because then he would actually break down. To elaborate, Jeremy added, “I mean, it's been pretty lazy. I feel unproductive.”

“Hey, that's alright. Being lazy is good sometimes,” Michael intoned. He was playing with something out of view of the camera but Jeremy had a suspicion that it was his Rubik's Cube. He always needed to have something in his hands, moving and twisting. “But I know what you mean. Whenever I’m too lazy, I get frustrated. Usually, though, I just play a level or two of Donkey Kong and I feel better.”

Jeremy nodded in agreement. He scratched at the back of his neck, unsure of what else to say. A weight was heavy on his chest but he couldn't tell Michael. Not like this. And he couldn't exactly say, ’Hey, you know that new SQUIP guy? Well, he knows your name because, by the way, I’m Spider-Man—and he threatened to hurt you if I don't follow his orders. See you at school!’ All he could do for the time being was wait for the SQUIP to contact him. He would complete the task and keep his best friend safe. And said best friend wouldn't have to know. Easy, right? Then why did he feel so nauseous?

“Jeremy? Hello?” Michael’s voice pierced his anxious resolve.

“Sorry. Um, bad connection, I think,” he spoke. “Were you saying something?”

“I asked when you started working out.”

Jeremy furrowed his brows in confusion. “I haven't? Michael, you know that I would never willingly exercise.”

“Where'd those arms come from, then?” Michael asked, staring unashamedly at Jeremy’s body. “And your chest, man.”

“U-Um,” he stammered. He had picked up a lot of strength with his web-slinging and cardio from his various battles, but he didn't think it was anything noticeable. “Actually, come to think of it, I have worked out with Rich a few times. He invited me and I didn't want to be rude.” Jeremy couldn't look Michael in the eye. Although the attention was a bit unexpected, he couldn't help but enjoy that Michael had noticed.

“Ah,” he nodded in response. “I got you. But, hey, you're kind of...attractive, I guess ? Is that weird to say?”

Jeremy swallowed heavily. “No, it's not weird. Thanks for thinking I look decent.”

“Better than decent,” Michael hummed. After a split-second, he seemed panicked and stopped messing around with his Rubik's Cube for the first time during the conversation. “N-Not that you didn't look fine— good, before, either.” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um. Yeah. I’m going to stop talking now.”

Jeremy felt heat rise to his cheeks and he shrugged. “Thanks,” he said. His mind vaguely flashed back to when Michael had called Spider-Man hot. Maybe the suit wasn’t the only factor. Maybe Jeremy had a shot? “Anyway. What have you been up to this weekend?”

The other boy shrugged as well, mirroring Jeremy and going back to his Rubik’s cube with impressive focus. “I’ve just been laying around, really. Where were you yesterday? You, like, hardly texted me.”

He considered the fact that he’d spent the previous day as a literal ball of anxiety and wondered how much he should tell Michael. He had already decided not to let him in on the threat because, honestly, did Michael really need that stress in his life right now? Jeremy didn’t think so. Although he couldn’t explain the cause of his panic, Michael always helped to calm him down and Jeremy needed to feel calm. He shook his head and finally responded, “I was pretty anxious. It just wasn’t a great day.”

Michael nodded in understanding and lifted his eyes to search Jeremy’s face. He said, “What were you anxious about?”

“Just, like, life in general. I think,” Jeremy lied. Although he supposed that it wasn’t exactly a lie.

The other boy hummed and Jeremy heard a noise which must have been Michael setting the cube down on his desk. “Have you considered talking to anyone about it?”

“I talk to you,” he responded steadily. He knew that it wasn’t what the other boy meant, but that didn’t stop him from meeting his best friend’s brown eyes a bit defiantly.

“Jeremy,” Michael spoke, slightly drawing out the vowels. “You know that I love to listen. I do. I’ll listen to you speak forever...but I’m also not a therapist. I can’t help you if your anxiety is getting bad again.”

“You help me more than you think you do,” he responded.

Michael tried to ignore the small swell in his chest as he set his jaw. “I’m not telling you that you have to go. I’m just saying that it’s an option you have, if it keeps bothering you.”

“Thanks, Michael,” Jeremy acknowledged offhandedly, hoping to drop the subject. He let out a long breath and said with a bit of a kinder tone, “I’ll let you know if it gets bad enough for that. I think it’s just temporary. There’s just...a lot in my life, right now. That’s all.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.” Jeremy rubbed at his temples. He let out a breath before saying, “Hey, whatever happened with that vinyl you were trying to get ahold of?”

Michael knew that the other boy was changing the point of conversation; he wasn’t stupid. But if Jeremy didn’t want to talk about his anxiety, then he didn’t have to. Michael wouldn’t force him. He just didn’t want his best friend to reach his breaking point like he had a few years prior. He couldn’t see Jeremy in that state again—jumpy and shaking and staying in bed for days at a time. He couldn’t watch him go through that. Regardless, the boy wasn’t comfortable talking about whatever was troubling him. Michael had to respect that. He reached for his Rubik’s cube again and began to spin it aimlessly. “I couldn’t get in contact with the seller. I feel like I probably lost the bid.”

Jeremy placed his elbow on his desktop and rested his head upon the palm on his upturned hand. “That’s too bad. Except now I have something to get you for your birthday.”

Michael smiled softly and responded, “Well now that you’ve told me, it won’t be a surprise.”

“You and I both know that you’re going to forget about this conversation long before July.”

“Touché.” Michael ran a hand through his hair, pushing the strands that had fallen into his eyes back to their rightful place.

Jeremy couldn’t help but watch the movement and admire how effortlessly cute his best friend was. Once he realized that he must have been gazing for far too long for it to be considered normal, he swallowed his feelings quickly. That was a problem for Future Jeremy.

The next morning, Jeremy thought that he had awoke to his usual alarm and slowly rolled over to turn off the harsh ringing. When he did, he could see that he was actually receiving a phone call and it was only...five o’clock in the morning? What the fuck? He didn't have to be up for school for another two hours and the number calling him was unrecognizable. As soon as his sleepy brain caught up, his stomach dropped. It had to be the SQUIP. He swallowed nervously, propping himself up on his elbow. Taking a deep breath, the boy answered the phone.

“Jeremy, good morning,” the familiar tone registered. He still sounded cocky and Jeremy still wanted to punch him.

“What do you want?” He tried to keep the anxiety from his voice, but he figured that his facade was not very convincing.

“Meet me at the eleventh street lot,” the SQUIP requested cooly.

“But th-that’s closed down. And locked up.” Jeremy hated his stutter. It came out at the most inconvenient times. He ran a hand through his hair and spoke, “I have school. I’m seventeen.”

“You can go to school in the afternoon. I’ll only need you for a few hours.” The SQUIP hummed an odd distortion of the Jeopardy theme. “So what do you say? Eleventh street lot in half an hour. Oh, and don’t bother with the costume. It’s just a waste of time.”

“Do I have a choice?” Jeremy sat up in bed, blinking a few times to make sense of his surroundings in the dark.

“No. Well, yes, technically. But we all know what the consequences are if you make the wrong one, don't we?” And with that, the phone line went dead.

Jeremy threw his phone down a bit harshly onto his pillow. He hated this. He hated everything about this. He supposed the only good thing about the situation was that, in spending time with his enemy, he was bound to learn more. Maybe he could figure out a way to defeat him. The boy groaned as he stood up and then, on second thought, turned back to grab his phone. He needed to keep Michael informed so that his best friend would stop looking at him with worry and instead go back to looking at him with fondness.

He typed a quick text saying that he wasn't feeling well and he wouldn't need a ride to school. He added that if he felt better in the afternoon, he would walk and meet him for lunch. As he set down his phone, he took a deep breath to steel himself and began to get ready for the (long) day ahead.

Jeremy arrived at the location exactly twenty-seven minutes later. It was still dark but the beginning of dawn could be made out along the horizon. He tried to hide a small shiver at the cool breeze of the morning air. The SQUIP was already there, leaning against the padlocked gate and staring at his hands. He looked the same as he had during their last encounter, except that he now wore a blue scarf that swayed in the slight wind.

“Punctual,” he drawled, not looking up from his nails. Jeremy noted that they were painted black. The SQUIP spoke, “I like that. It’s a good quality to have.”

“What are we doing here?” The teenager crossed his arms over his chest defensively, burying his hands in the sleeves of his sweatshirt. “It’s locked,like I said.”

“Watch and learn, kid,” the man said as he finally met Jeremy’s eyes. As expected, his eyes were brightly glowing blue. He held out a hand to hover over the lock and seemed to focus his energy, biting his lip ever-so-slightly. A small source of gray light appeared and suddenly, the lock fell onto the ground; broken.

“H-How’d you do that?”

The SQUIP gave a grin that looked more like a sneer and said, “Like I said, you’d be amazed at what you could do if you just put your mind to it.”

“You sound like an annoying infomercial.” Jeremy felt his phone vibrate in his pocket but he ignored it. He didn’t want to move his eyes away from the person in front of him.

“Aren’t you going to get that? It could be Michael,” he taunted.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

“How romantic,” the SQUIP remarked flatly. He pushed through the gate and into the lot. Greenery pushed through cracks in the cement and a half-deconstructed brick wall split the space into two.

“Why did you choose this? Isn’t it, y’know, pretty public?”

“No one comes here. No one even comes down this street. I’ve been monitoring it for a while. It’s wide open but actually private enough to work.”

“Speaking of work…” Jeremy began, but trailed off. He didn’t know what he wanted to ask. He didn’t know where to begin or what was expected of him.

“Ah, yes. I’m glad you asked,” the SQUIP nodded. “For today, I just want to observe. I’ll ask you to do things that will showcase your powers and you’ll obey. Got it?”

Jeremy could feel his heart in his throat but he agreed anyway. He had no choice, right? He couldn’t piss this guy off, it was way too risky. Just think of Michael. He had to do it - for him.

“Shoot a web at that wall and swing up to the top.” Jeremy did as he was asked and he was met with a sound of approval from the man. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”

When Jeremy arrived at school that afternoon, he felt sore and tired and disgusted with himself. He'd voluntarily shown his arch-enemy the full range of his powers. That was probably a bad call on his part. He pulled off his sweatshirt and shoved it into his locker, slamming the door shut when he was done. Jeremy stared at the metal hinges for a moment, feeling like he was missing something. He let out a long groan when he realized that he’d forgotten a pencil and pulled it back open. His muscles ached from exerting his powers for such an extended period of time. He had also been running on a seriously small amount of sleep, which he figured wasn't a good combination. Caught up in his own thoughts, the boy didn't notice Michael’s presence next to him until his best friend cleared his throat.

“Michael!” Jeremy started, trying to keep himself from jumping in shock. “When did you get here?”

“Uh, a few minutes ago. I saw you going to your locker so I followed. You okay?”

“Me? I'm fine. Tired. But fine.” Jeremy nodded once to himself and then again to Michael. “What about you? How was class?” He rooted through his textbooks to find his pencil and ignored the ache in his bicep.

“Fine. Jake got our entire English class out of a pop quiz today,” he responded. He played with the strings of his hoodie for a second, not entirely looking at the other boy. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, much better. I just needed to sleep a little bit, that’s all.” Jeremy emerged from his locker victoriously, closing the metal door and holding his pencil with pride. “Found it.”

Michael gave him a smile and said, “Congratulations, Sherlock. Hey, by the way, did you get my text earlier?”

“Shit, sorry. No. I haven’t checked my phone.” The boy reached into his pocket and fished out the cell phone. He turned it on and saw the message:

5:31 AM From: michael mell straight from hell

hope u feel better soon bc i got a new game and we should give it a shot after school

Jeremy looked up from his phone excitedly. “What’s the game? We should totally play. Is it zombies? Or, uh, robots? Those are your forté but maybe it’s like, aliens or something. That would be cool,” he rambled. Finally, he felt the slightest bit back to normal. BSM (Before Spider-Man) normal. Here he was, in the middle of the school corridor, eagerly discussing video games with his best friend. Nothing else mattered except the thought of spending the evening drinking slushies, eating cheese puffs, and playing a game.

“Aliens, actually. Something different!” Michael exclaimed. “It’s supposed to be like Space Invaders but modernized, I guess. It seems super cool.”

“Do you want to grab snacks after school and then head to your place?”

“Absolutely.” Michael slung an arm around Jeremy’s shoulders casually, turning down the hallway to head to their next class together.

#meremy hell #boyf riends #bmc #be more chill #bmc spiderman au #my writing #my post

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nhlhoser · 7 years

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On The Rocks - 5

Part 4 Masterlist

"What can I get you guys to drink?" The waitress lays on the flirt real thick. Batting lashes and being over-responsive to anything that Auston and William did or say. I understand that it's unspoken to have a bit of flirt with a customer to make them feel good but the girl is an over achiever. Now glad we agreed to get a pitcher of ice water because I don't think she even knows I'm here. I'm sitting across from the two guys and my seat might as well be empty like the two seat to my left and the one left of Auston.

"I'll be right back," she said with a sultry voice and 1000 watt smile. Swaying her hips back to near the bar area. Austons lower part of his face is visible due to his hat pull over his eyes from here he still looks passive as William is eating up the attention from our waitress.

Checking my phone I have a Steph making me laugh which had broken the table silence. William and Auston's face urge me to read the text out loud.

"Something came up. Order without us we'll order when we get up there"

" Oh yeah, something definitely came up alright" William nudges Auston laughing and I can only assume he glares at the blonde.

Ordering an appetizer to share and our meals William starts asking questions. "So Amelia? What do you do?" I sip my water listening to his Swedish accident voice.

"Well I am a massage therapist" I answered simply still holding eye contact with the blonde even though I'm very tempted to look away. He nodded looking genuinely interested is I'll never know. We talked about my job and just basic hobbies like how I workout almost everyday and small things.

"Matts and I were planning on going out the fitness center downstairs later you should come" William offered.

"Maybe I don't want to intrude on you guys plans, " I said not feeling comfortable with the thought of workout with them. Before anyone could get another word in some man that is unknown approaches the table.

"Auston Matthew and William Nylander" he exclaims excitedly he doesn't even ask he just plops down beside me keeps talking to the athletes about the season the playoffs approaching.

He doesn't let anyone get a word in and his breath reeks of alcohol making my scratch my nose. Half listening and half cringing I stay out of it because I'm not a confrontation person and guys are just sitting there but that changes as soon as he tosses my arm over and calls me a fuck bunny and makes me uncomfortable. I move his arm back onto the table without a word he continues his rambling but now focus on Auston to sum it up he's putting the hopes of the Stanley in his hand and during this, the creeps hand lands on my thigh and turns to me.

"Ok I can't listen to you anymore but first move your hand from my leg or before I do it for you." I said with a dead stare into the drunks eyes " and Do you think these guys want to hear hockey from someone that is some fan that probably doesn't even understand the pressure he is under from the actual hockey world? You do realize there are more players than just Auston Matthews and William Nylander on the team" I was mad and it was obvious. The guy got up and left after calling me a noisy bitch.

Slumping a little into my seat when I realized my outburst. I can see Austons eyes now because they are intense and currently starring at me. William is starting to almost as intense look as Auston just his eye color more piercing than Austons dark brown. Start to fidget with my water glass and look around the room taking the luxury details. Now I would mind the waitress to come because I'll need something stronger than water if they are going to keep this up.

What seems like forever of not taking our food arrives and so do Mitch and Steph. They are definitely still flush from their activities in the bedroom. "I am so hungry, " Mitch says eyes fixed on my steak. I block him from trying to take some. "You could have your food now too if y'all weren't busy getting busy" I cut into my steak to add to the effect. Mitch shrug leaning back proud of himself and Steph red and tries to Deny it.

After more food and conversations I pay my bill and was able to use my dad's phone call to get back to my room without a problem. He was just passing on a thank you from the man and the reason I am here. The call was done before ever exiting the elevator.

Sighing as I unlock my door, I'm probably never going to see them ever again and especially after my burst but I was defending them. My room was now clean by housekeeping which I am so thankful for. Rummaging through my bag to grab my workout clothes.

The weight room was filled with glorious top of the line equipment. These free weights of any weight and they were probably clean too. I thought this was downstairs but no it was just below the rooftop lounge. Apparently, this is a sound proof room so I can blast my music.

After 5 minutes of figuring out how to connect my music to the rooms surround sound queens under pressure blares out the speakers. Dancing around the room getting the equipment ready lifting and all the accessories for my entire workout.

45 minutes into the workout I have removed my shirt now only in blue leggings and gray under armor sports bra. Doing pull-ups facing away from the door I dismount the bars pants a little from pushing myself past my usual max. stretching out my back already tight. Being a massage therapist is great but I can't massage myself. Winding down my workout with cardio is my favorite thing to get the last bit of heart pumping exercise.

My workout zone is intense I don't notice anything until it's on my face or I stop but in this case, it was 2 hockey players making their presences known directing to my right.

"Earth to Amelia!"

"Ah! Oh shit-- Ow" I lost my footing and literally falling off the treadmill into Austons arms but I hit my head on bar making me insanely dizzy.

Auston helps me to my feet carefully before standing in front of me with William. Facing a wide eye William. "Oh my- I am so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. We were looking for you to say Thank you for earlier and apologize for not saying anything earlier." He was out of breath from talking really face. I tilt my head confused and probably concussed.

Rubbing where I hit my head I can only nod finding it rather hard to focus. The look on the guys face serious and on a mission. Auston continues from the blonde. "I guess we aren't used to anyone that's not well- Us including Mitch understanding that we are under pressure. People forget we are rookies" He said slightly talking with his hands. My eyes follow the slightest of hand motions.

I am more concussed than I realized I step forward and pretty much into a pair of arms because I fell and it was warm. I like the warm.

"She really hit her head" a male could be heard but not understood. My head was tucked into a chest and I'm up in the air but still into the warmth. I open my eyes and into dark eyes. I watched too close my eyes but I was in awe of the look of the man who is carrying me.

"Amelia" A accented voice calls out.

"What room are you in?" He asked softly and carefully moving the hair out my face. Distracted the soft but rough hands I forget to answer until Auston asks.

"1729" I rest my head on the muscled shoulder of the 6'3" centermen. I could sleep right now but I shouldn't.

But I do.

#auston matthews #william nylander #Toronto Maple Leafs

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stellar-stag · 7 years

Text

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me.

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it.

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar.

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me).

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book.

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

#ramblings of a gay man #long post #life update #wrote almost 2k words about myself #vanity thy name is george

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hardlicore · 5 years

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9/14/2019

I was 113.4 this morning... but after work I was 114.2ish - I binged and purged so much this afternoon - I got so sick ‘afterwards’ -just not feeling right. I passed out a bit. I feel a bit better now. I was 114.4 last I checked before making a pot of coffee. The only food I didn’t purge was a mini bag of popcorn since I woke starving... I just can’t do this anymore. The binging and purging. To be honest, when I got home I opened the cupboard and wasn’t even hungry ! All this time, and I really COULD have gone without eating and probably felt 10 x better than I do now - but old habits die hard - but I tell you what, I just can’t do it anymore. I checked my cc and they haven’t pulled the money from my phone bill and I literally considered ordering or going and getting MORE food - after binging and purging on all I had. I literally have coffee some decaff tea gum and vitamins to live off of the rest of the week -_-... a couple pennies to my name and 2 bucks on my other cc. Anyway I’m guessing the 114.2 was from dehydration as weird as that sounds (I know water weighs more than not water - but I literally didn’t drink anything all day aside from a couple sips of my vitamin ZERO water...) sooo yeah. I really need to figure out a better way to get to my goal weight on my goal date. I mean I would have done my workout dvd today if it weren’t for my roommates being home -_- I just don’t feel thin enough to go to the gym yet. Anyway my goal was 105 for Monday but I literally don’t have a clue what the scale is going to say tomorrow. It could be anywhere from 113 to 112... God forbid I go back up to 114. But most likely somewhere between 112 and 113. Which means I’m 7 pounds away from my Monday goal on SUNDAY -_- which means that’s just not happening. But I can’t give up! I can do my workout dvd tomorrow and go the gym because I don’t work. And drink 10 glasses of water... and yeah... I could potentially lose 4 pounds tomorrow putting me at 109-110 on Monday morning. Then I could aim for 107 on Tuesday - when I go back to classes (I crammed all my lectures tuesday thursdays so I could work/study mwf) - I like it this way for now. Next semester will probably be a bit different but yeah..

anyway, I think 109 for my goal on Monday is perfectly acceptable and then 107 on Tuesday - My goal for next Monday - my next club meeting when I’m going to be social :( :) was 100 but that was with the 105 goal today. Okay okay... i need a better plan though I’ve binged and purged every day minus Wednesday when I didn’t eat. I mean eating and purging is normal for me but I haven’t been keeping anything down really which is probably why I felt like dropping over walking home from work today... it’s NOT sustainable... but I NEED to get to my goal weight. It’s been on my mind for 2 years now and I’ve been 105 clear up to 125 this past summer!!! (kept attempting to recover but not without binging and purging and re-binging - then not purging - hence the HUGE number :X)

But yeah I am 113-114 again. My start weight before the heavy binging (over 2,000+ calories a day was 109-111. Once I’m back in that range - which could very well be tomorrow!!!! (Probably not) - but you never know what your body will do... I’m going to be 112-113 tomorrow. I said that already. But with being 113.4 this morning - I was hoping to be more like 111 tomorrow but yeah..

I need a better diet plan that isn’t going to give me a heart attack. I have to stop binging and purging.

Okay so here is the plan: Eat 1,000 a day and burn off 500. And fast half the week - every other day! This works SOOOO MUCH better. Instead of trying to just not eat for several days I can know I’ll be getting food the next day - maybe I don’t know - _ - I’m fasting tomorrow - I really don’t have a choice unless I return my wax quit from work lol. I recently asked for more hours so I don’t think that’s a fabulous idea.

Anyway, yeah I’ll fast tomorrow and since I’m not on my period! I should lose 4-6 pounds. (I’ve lost 6 in the past but that was legit 3+ hours of exercise and walking probably over an hour on campus that day ) I’ve lost 3 before but only 3 because my period was due - so I’m thinking since it just ended I could lose 4 to 5 with just an hour or 2 of cardio which if I’m right and I’m 112ish tomorrow that puts me at 107-108 for Monday!!! and if I’m still at 113 for whatever reason that’s 108-109 - which being fair to myself i really haven’t been 114 even for several months - I was 110 back in March sooo 5 MONTHS - I’ve been fat for 5 months 0h God -I can’t believe I let it get this bad. Bulimia and attempting to recover yet still being bulimic - it’s the WORST thing ever. I really have to get serious if I 1) Want to stop being fat. 2) Want to be successful in life in general 3) Want to look fucking good 4) Just need to get things under control

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chocolate-brownies · 5 years

Link

“Tune in to yourself,” says Taryn Toomey, the latest étoile du jour to light up the fitness world, addressing a women’s retreat in upstate New York last summer. “Know there’s a part of you that really wants the suffering and part of you that really wants the awakening.

“Know who’s running the show.”

Therein lies the essence of the Taryn Toomey phenomenon—suffering and awakening, hurting and healing. Toomey is the birthmother of The Class, a body-depleting, mind-bending workout that defies both definition and category. Physically demanding and emotionally exhausting, it is, to its throngs of acolytes who sweat regularly in her signature TriBeCa gym, spiritually and psychically cathartic.

The hallmark of The Class is a series of repetitive motions devoid of rep count; there is no telling when the torture will end, an approach that plunges you entirely into the moment.

The hallmark of The Class is a series of repetitive motions devoid of rep count; there is no telling when the torture will end, an approach that plunges you entirely into the moment. Meshing high-intensity calisthenics with impassioned, confessional, almost feral exhortations, Toomey doesn’t simply want you to feel the burn—she wants you to experience it as an existential crisis.

“There’s a very specific way we train our teachers, of how we open the room,” says Toomey. “There’s an arc of the class, it’s how we build trust. There’s the physical, the emotional, the energetic. Then there is the spiritual. And we let you into that door through the body.”

The Class didn’t so much start one day as it evolved. From doing sports as a teenager, to practicing yoga, to running, Toomey says it was marinating within her for a long time. “Things were getting activated in me,” she says. She started doing her impassioned, improvisational workouts with a friend in the gym in the basement of the building where she used to live. Other friends joined, and then this one told that one, and eventually Toomey took her show to the Dance Factory. Then came men and women from around Manhattan who had heard about this thing, this fitness class that wasn’t just about strength or cardio, but also about spirit and soul—not in that bullshit way that some classes try to invoke your animal spirit, but in a very real way that holds your hand as you step into your own darkness, and guides you toward the light, also your own. It’s a thing, a class, a workout, a mindfuck so powerful and popular, that Taryn Toomey has opened three outposts, in LA, Vancouver, and the Hamptons; hosts a monthly “spiritual residency” in Miami; and offers multi-day “Retreatments” to places like Martha’s Vineyard and the Dominican Republic. →

Toomey has also collaborated with Lululemon on a clothing line, has recently started offering specialized classes at Equinox and Pure Yoga, and has put her name on a palette of muted pastel nail polish and bath salts. She designs her own high-end line of crystal gemstone jewelry, and even sells hats and capes that mimic her signature look. Indeed, what ignited as her own drive to exercise more mindfully—that is, to move her body in a way that freed her mind so as to open her heart—is erupting into a kind of empire of Toomey-inspired everything.

Following Toomey on social media is so profound it could turn your day around, maybe your life. “To those who inspired it but will never read it,” she posts as encouragement to journal. In another she writes, “One of the most expensive things you could ever do is pay attention to the wrong people.”

And yet. There she is, on a motor boat on Lake Como. At the Savoy Hotel in London. Lounging in Marrakesh. She’s even getting a bikini wax! Clearly the Ralph Lauren account exec turned spiritual crusader likes nice stuff, and who doesn’t? But as she crosses that border from creator into celebrity, is her ever-increasing price tag ($5,000-a-week “Retreatments,” travel not included) putting this work out of reach?

Jennifer Wolff: In my first class you chanted about the birth experience, among other things. In fact, you didn’t seem to be teaching or leading a class as much as acting out the kind of cataclysmic epiphany many students come to The Class to experience. By the end you were on your knees pounding your fists into the floor, your hair stuck to your cheeks, your eyes somewhat crazed, and saying “Fuck this” and “Fuck that.” What was that?

Taryn Toomey: Sometimes I feel like I’m on the battlefield out there. I’m not just teaching. I say what comes through me. I’ve given birth twice, and I remember feeling, “I can’t do this anymore. This is so intense. When is this going to end?” And then boom, you start pushing and a baby comes out and you have a love that you never knew possible. I don’t often talk about the birth experience, but that’s where I was that day. So for me, the reason I can teach and do what I do is because I’ve had a lot of shit go down and been in a lot of pain for a long time, and I’m teaching from the depths of a lot of things. People look at me and are like, “What is this girl doing?” I still do this with a very soft, humble, scared heart. I’m still trying to heal myself.

What do you think it is about The Class that is such a revelation for people?

I have a true belief that there is not one human better than another and I am there with everyone. The thing I always do first is gain the trust of the room. And I do that by letting people know that they don’t have to do any of it. I’ll say, “You can just stand and place your hands over your heart and breathe.” I give people permission not to do it, and then usually they are able to do it a bit more. It’s gaining trust of the psyche from one’s own self. If you tell someone they have to do something, usually they will resist. That’s what I find in my own self. So there’s a buildup of movements slowly that’s attached to breath awareness. We don’t go in there and be like, “Everybody lose your shit!” There’s sound involved [the music volume gets higher as movement intensifies, then lower during breaks of stillness] so people can express themselves without feeling like they’re having some sort of panic attack. It’s one of the built-in safety nets, so at the end of a big exercise, like the burpees, you can express yourself and then land in stillness. The hands are on the body. You recover the heart. You feel the soles of your feet on the floor.

Your exercises are simple. No weights. No bands. Very old school, not unlike Jack LaLanne: jumping jacks, flapping arms, leg lifts. And those damned burpees. But you don’t count. We never know when it’s going to end.

The intention is that it’s basic. There is no choreography. You close your eyes and go. You watch your mind as opposed to your mind having to do something. It’s actually a form of self-study. And when stuff comes up, it’s probably a pretty good sign that you’re on the edge of something that is really transformative. So what do you do? You breathe. You notice that you’re in the throes of something. Instead of knowing when it’s over, you practice your ability to tolerate feeling, to tolerate intensity, and you stay right there with yourself.

Most articles about The Class describe screaming and crying. After three classes I heard some screaming and witnessed some tears, but it was nothing like what people are saying.

I know. One person cries and the media makes it like everyone is sobbing. Sure, sometimes people cry a bit. Sometimes it hits you. There are times when I’ve gone to my other teachers’ classes and they have broken me. It happens. But it can’t be like, “Cry!” If people come expecting to cry, they’re not going to cry.

Have you seen any transformation in your regular students?

This question makes me very uncomfortable. It’s like every single thing in my body starts to flare up and I don’t want to share any of it. But, yeah, people have told me that it’s changed their whole life. Students have been able to create completely new career paths for themselves, or leave painful or toxic relationships, or grieve the loss of things from years ago. They’ve broken patterns within themselves. They’ve completely changed their physical body. But I don’t take ownership for any of it because they’re the ones that are doing it. I’m just kind of channeling their experience based on the energy they bring to the room. It’s like I’m here to be of service.

Do you ever discuss your own trauma? The trauma that led you to this place? To The Class?

With people in my inner circle, behind the scenes. If you pull the hood back, it’s intense. But I’ve never fallen victim to it. And I say to the people who have hurt me, “Thank you.” Because they have required me to heal. I have a lot of stuff to process from the past. I think I’m clearing a lot of it, and I feel grateful that I am able to do what I am doing.

People refer to you as the new fitness guru, sometimes even a celebrity fitness guru. Is that what you are?

That makes me laugh, too. I have friends who call themselves gurus. With all due respect, I don’t consider myself one. And to call me a celebrity fitness guru, that just makes me want to roll over. It makes me crazy because those celebrities who work out, they’re that way because they work their faces off for their own bodies. Nobody is putting them on a machine and doing the work for them.

You now have four studios. How do you keep the intention of this work from becoming diluted?

It’s a fine balance. I’ve really had to have some hard conversations with myself, especially lately. One of the hard things would be if I lost my ability to teach and my community for some big dollar sign. That would be my worst nightmare.

Do you consider yourself a luxury brand?

I’d say yes. I love beautiful things. I’m also thrifty. I’ve done everything on a budget. And we’ve said no to a lot of pretty big deals because they didn’t feel right. We actually could have been a lot further in terms of opening studios and putting a lot more gas in the tank. We’re trying to be mindful as we move forward. So it’s like a double-edged sword: I like luxury, but I want this work to be accessible to all.

Even your Retreatments? Those are pretty expensive.

The retreats evolved in the same way The Class happened, which was a mash-up of all the things that I loved and needed.

I had not traveled much, but I wanted to. I wanted to be able to bring my kids. I like really good food. I like really good music. I like friends coming together. I like to move my body. I like to meditate. I like yoga in the afternoon. Why don’t I get a whole bunch of people together and do it? So it’s great because all of these things are now enmeshed. I have basically designed my life around the way I want to live. It wasn’t this big idea of “Let’s make it really luxury.” It was “I want to get out of the city in the summer and out of the cold in the winter.”

That said, behind the scenes, we’re working to layer in some additional retreats with other teachers that are more accessible, and price points that are lower. So we are going to, as we move forward, make sure that there are ways for this work to be accessible to all, because that’s the end goal.

Will we see Taryn Toomey for Target?

No, not necessarily. I’m not saying ‘pooh-pooh’ on Target, nor am I going to say no. But we’re moving slowly because of the questions of teachers and how to rescale it. We’ll do a few more studios in the right markets. We’re considering some digital platforms.

Right when I’m like, “Am I going crazy?” That’s when…it’s a little bit of, that’s where the “magic” lives.

Your class is so out there it’s hard to know if it’s complete magic or complete BS.

Yeah, I said something like that to someone recently. I said, “Sometimes I feel completely insane. I feel like I’m bodying right up against the edge of madness, and that’s where all of the genius lives.” She was like, “Yeah, you’re right.” It’s like what you just said. I was kind of laughing about it because that’s what I feel like sometimes. I feel like right when I’m like, “Am I going crazy?” That’s when…it’s a little bit of, that’s where the “magic” lives.

Inside the Class

Our writer throws herself into Taryn Toomey’s “The Class” and comes out the other side—intact.

Taryn Toomey steps in so close to my face I think she’s going to kiss me. And though generally not into women, I am fairly certain in that instant that I will kiss her back, until I realize that this is how she greets people, up in their grill, under their skin.

“Does anything hurt?” she asks after not kissing me.

“Yes,” I tell her. “Everything.”

“Perfect,” she replies. “We’ll take care of that.”

I don’t know what she means, or what she is—sort of beautiful, sort of plain, absolutely radiant, her blonde streaked hair tumbled just so atop her head, her skin aglow with the slightest brush of the expensive highlighter she sells in the gift shop outside of her Bridgehampton pop-up. To get to her, to The Class, I had to maneuver between fancy women in big sunglasses and expensive workout gear driving Mercedes and Range Rovers, fighting for a space in the crowded dirt lot. But once inside, lifted by the sweet smell of palo santo—and by the Chanel products in the bathroom—I find peace on the Toomey-insignia’d yoga mat that will define my space among some 40 others during the next hour of sweat and, so I am told, tears.

Toomey starts us off with Mumford & Sons’ “Si Tu Veux”—beat-driven, foreign, imploring—and we begin to move as she whisper-talks into her little mic. I can’t make out what she is saying, only that her voice is not coming into my head but through it. She urges me, all of us, from the inside, through a round of jumping jacks that never seems to end until it does. Then we stand, hands over heart, until we begin again, this time with squats, and a song that seems to speak for Toomey, Avicii’s “Wake Me Up”:

Feeling my way through the darkness

guided by a beating heart

I can’t tell where the journey will end

but I know where to start…

I feel weak, unable to keep up. It’s been a while since I set foot in a gym or onto a mat. My body creaks. I am angry that it won’t move how I want it to, how I bend my waist into my squats, how my hands won’t clap above my head during the jacks. And don’t talk to me about the goddamned burpees, of which I’ve done, maybe, one.

“Stay in your body,” Toomey says. “Don’t let anyone fucking tell you how to live. How to be. Who you are.” She looks at me through the crowd, and I look down. Ashamed. It’s like she’s reading the script inside of my head. I. Can. Not. Do. This. I feel her stare, and look back up. She nods, as though telegraphing, Yes, you can. If you want to. You can.

As the frenzy of the class builds, Toomey riffs like a preacher on the precepts of pain, of time, of overcoming self-imposed limitations. Yet she doesn’t demand focus or discipline. She asks for something else entirely: surrender.

As the exercises grow more intense, so does the music get louder. The yelps and grunts that explode from the crowd lay down a baseline rhythm for the room, a deep-throated mantra in which soon enough I lose myself, too. Because the more I move, the deeper Toomey’s raspy voice penetrates my brain, the looser my limbs become, the stronger. And then my revelation: I am frightened not of my weakness but of my strength. I’m frightened not of what my body can’t do, but by what I have never let it do: be powerful.

Meanwhile, Toomey begins to twist into her own unique contortions, as though gripped in an exorcism. Then, she comes down and brings us with her. We stand, hand to heart, feet to floor. “All you need is right under your hand,” she whispers. “It’s all you need. Not the cars or the clothes or the stuff.” I gaze toward her shop with the $800 gemstone pendants and the $100 beauty serums, and I wonder with all that’s being offered, for a price, is my heart truly enough?

The post Trusting Yourself Enough to Break appeared first on Mindful.

#sleep sounds #sleep music #white noise app #nature sounds #relaxing sounds #rain sounds for sleeping

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