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colormeyondublue · 3 years

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Chapter 12: Cards With The Boys (NSFW)

Chapter 11 Here

After confessing his love for you, you decide it was about time to move in with the Captain. It didn’t take long to get your things together because you don’t have much. After getting settled in the Captain’s quarters, you felt your heart soar at how for you two have come.

Later, you sit at your desk in your office tying up some loose ends, day dreaming of Yondu, and of going back to Earth. There isn’t much work to be done, but the peacefulness of your office brings you a sense of normalcy that you dearly missed. While you made sure your data drives were totally backed up and in working order, your door opens quietly. You glance behind you to see Yondu’s handsome face. You turn back to your computer and tell him you’ll be done in just a second.

“Do ya really gotta be working right now? Ya work all the damn time. There ain’t even much that needs done right now anyway! The crew’s gonna be on leave fer a few weeks while we’re gone.”

“I work because I like to!” You protest. “Besides, I’m almost done. Hold your horses.”

“Ya still never explained ta me what a horse even is ya know.” Yondu huffs as he sits down on the couch in your office.

You sigh and shake your head. You never imagined you’d have to explain to an adult what a horse was, but here you are. You eject the data drive and throw it in the drawer of your desk. “A horse, is a large mammalian quadruped with both binocular and monocular vision. They can weigh anywhere between 800 to 1,800 – sometimes 2,000 pounds! They’ve been used by my people as a source of food, labor, transportation and companionship for thousands of years. They’ve helped Terrans in every aspect of life, and nothing that we’ve accomplished to this point could have been done without their help. They’ve fought in our wars, and carried entire countries on their backs at times. In modern times they are primarily pets, used to work livestock, or ridden in competition.”

The captain rubs his chin for a moment. “What’s a pound?”

You stare at him blankly for a good few moments before it dawns on you. You are going to have to explain a lot to Yondu when you get to Earth. There is so much that he still doesn’t know about.

“A pound is just a unit of measurement. It’s used in some countries to quantify how much something weighs. It’s directly related to Earth’s gravitational pull. You know as well as I do that something on Krylor wouldn’t weigh the same as it would on Xandar, right?

“Yeah, I know that. But pounds is just what ya’ll call it?” He asks.

“Well…in some places. In others they might measure weight a little differently. But that’s a whole other conversation for another time. How about I just show you a horse when we get to Earth?” You chuckle.

“Sounds like a plan ta me. But anyway, what I came down here for was ta ask ya if ya wanted to play cards with me and the boys?”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s already getting kind of late, and I don’t know how to play.”

Yondu stands up from where he’s sitting and approaches you. He steps behind you and gently gathers your hair to one side of your neck. He bends down to place light, seductive kisses up and down your neck before murmuring in your ear, “Come on baby, I ain’t seen ya all day. It’ll just be a few hands, and I wanna show you off to my men for a while. Show ‘em what’s mine.” He continues to kiss you along the length of your neck, and he begins to pull your sleeve down your shoulder to taste a little bit more of your skin. You can’t stop your breaths from coming in deeper and slower. Yondu never fails to make you melt in his hands.

“Alright, alright. You talked me into it. But that mouth of yours just isn’t fair. You cheated and you know it!”

Yondu laughs and gives you a smug grin as he points to himself, “Uhh, Ravager? Not to mention, I’m a Ravager Captain. I see somethin’ I want, and I take it. Including you.” He tugs you closer by your waist and kisses you hard and heavy.

You pull away after a few moments and ask, “Okay, so do you want to get some or go play cards? I’m not sure that we have time for both.”

He growls in annoyance at your point. “Damn. Ya might be right. Let’s go.”

~~~

You both sit down at the poker table in the ship’s bar with Yondu, Kraglin, Oblo, Tullk, and Geff. These guys have honestly become your closest friends, and you were happy to have a drink with them and learn to play card games. You were learning a Xandarian game that is similar to Black Jack, except there’s more suits and the cards are octogons. It’s a little confusing at first, but you catch on pretty quick. A few hands in, Tullk asks you if you’re excited to see Terra again.

“Yeah! I can’t wait to see the trees and breathe in the air. I miss our sunsets and forests. I miss the songs the birds sing. I miss the smell of the rain. But I think I miss our blue skies even more.” You smile softly and glance over at Yondu. He smiles back and offers you a quick wink as he takes a swig of his beer. He pulls you closer to him with one firm tug on your seat, and throws his arm over the back of your chair.

“Sounds like a neat place to me!” Geff chimes in as he looks over his hand.

“Got any idea of what your plan might be? What are you gonna do first?” Oblo asks.

“Well…I guess I’ll try to find my mom first. I think she would still live in the same place. I can’t imagine she would move. It’s only been a few years. Then once I find her, I’ll get in touch with my sister. But when it comes to introducing them to Yondu – well, I think I’m gonna have to explain a few things first. Ease them into it. Ya know? I know a place where Yondu can lay low until everything is calmed down. Being kidnapped by an alien race and then shipped out all over the galaxy isn’t going to be easy to explain.” You rub your temple lightly. It didn’t occur to you just how much of a shock your return might be.

“So Tullk, have you ever thought about going back?” You ask, hoping it’s an innocent enough question.

“Nah, not me lass. There isn’t anythin’ left fer me on our planet. I’m happy here with the crew. Mah life back on Terra was a little rough. Got in with some men who were less than savory. Joined Yondu’s crew an’ never looked back.”

The rest of the game you listen to Kraglin and Oblo’s banter back and forth, and wonder to yourself what kind of people Tullk got involved with. You figure that some things are better left unsaid, and as long and he’s happy here, that’s enough for you. Once the game is over, Kraglin gets the cards together and everyone heads in for the night. As you’re walking toward the door, Yondu grabs your hand.

“Hey honey, me ‘n Krags are gonna go over a few things around the ship fer when you and I leave tomorrow. I’ll meet you back at ma quarters?”

“Sure thing, but don’t be too long.” You stand on your tip toes to kiss him on the cheek, and head toward the Captain’s quarters.

~~~

You’re playing your list of songs on your personal playlist while you pack for the trip. You find out that there are thousands of songs you hadn’t listened to yet. You had no idea at first, but these data devices Kraglin uses have seemingly endless storage. You were getting a little buzzed, having gotten into Yondu’s whiskey stash at his minibar. A little celebration was in order since you were going back to Earth with Yondu. You were dancing hazily to Fantasy by Mariah Carey. Yondu walks back toward his cabin door, hears some muffled song and smirks to himself. As quietly as possible, he opens the door to find you dancing drunkenly to the music. He enters the room and you don’t even notice his presence as you continue to dance and sing. He creeps into the room and sits down in his recliner, interested in just watching you.

As much of a goofy drunk as you are, he smiles to himself. You might just be the best thing that ever happened to me, girl.

The song changes over to Love On The Brain by Rhianna. Although your playlist has a ton of different songs, music was something that always resonated with you, and you liked almost anything. With the lyrics of the song carrying you away, you feel large, warm hands on your hips as you sway to the music. Immediately knowing who is feeling you up, you lean into his body and he begins to sway with you. He brings his lips to your neck and kisses you slowly. His lips kiss and part from your neck over and over, and it makes your core ache as warmth spreads through your limbs. Letting go, you fall into him even more, surrendering yourself to him. His hands begin to wander over your body, feeling your hips and thighs. You let out a few breathy moans, and your knees grow weak. While still facing away from him, you bring up your arms and wrap them around his neck as he teases your ear with his tongue. He notices that his bottle of Krylorian Whiskey is almost half empty, and you are way past buzzed at this point.

Baby you got me like ah, woo, ah Don't you stop loving me (loving me) Don't quit loving me (loving me) Just start loving me (loving me)

Oh, and baby I'm fist fighting with fire Just to get close to you Can we burn something, babe? And I run for miles just to get a taste Must be love on the brain That's got me feeling this way (feeling this way) It beats me black and blue but it fucks me so good And I can't get enough Must be love on the brain yeah And it keeps cursing my name (cursing my name) No matter what I do, I'm no good without you And I can't get enough Must be love on the brain

The beat carries you both to his bed and he continues his loving assault on your torso and neck. At this point, the room is spinning a little, and the next thing you see is a gorgeous blue chest, and your captains’ pants slowly being undone. You are more than frisky, and the second his pants come undone, you dive into him. He doesn’t have a chance to argue, as his cock is already making its way into your mouth. He groans in response, and finds a fistful of your hair. The alcohol in your veins gives you some kind of super power and your skills with his manhood are already blowing his mind. He peers down at you with his head tilted to the side, groaning at the sensation you’re giving him. All of that whiskey has made your gag reflex vanish, and you can take him deep into your throat. He watches intently as his cock disappears into your mouth and he moans loudly. You continue to blow him out of his mind for a while longer, polishing the head every now and again. You hear him speak up, “Baby girl, I’m gonna cum if ya don’t stop.”

You look up him momentarily, roll your eyes with pleasure and moan on his cock. You’ve got him exactly where you want him. In a few more minutes, he spits out a string of curses at the intensity of his orgasm. “Oh, fuckin’ hell – yes! Shit….mmmhmm.” He pushes his raging hard cock as deep into your mouth as you can stand, and cums down your throat. You slowly slide his cock out of your mouth, and sensually lick the tip clean.

“It’s even better than I expected.” You smirk up at him. His cum tastes wildly different than a human’s. It isn’t bitter at all. It’s still slightly salty, but it’s also a little sweet and nutty. The taste was completely unexpected, and you almost couldn’t believe it. You tease his sensitive cock with your tongue to make it jump. “Oh, fuck. Ya might be more than I can handle when you drink like that.” He huffs out a laugh and collapses on the bed. “Alright, yer turn sugar.”

“No, it’s okay. I just wanted to make you feel good. I want to show you how much you mean to me. I don’t need anything. This was more than enough for me.” You kiss him lovingly, and snuggle into his side.

“I love you y/n. Ya really are an amazin’ woman. A damn whiskey bandit, but amazin’.”

~~~

The next morning, Yondu is still in bed with you. He wakes you up slightly by wrapping his strong arms around you and he pulls you as close as he can. You never thought in a million years that Yondu would be a cuddler, but in the privacy of his cabin he usually turned into a huge teddy bear.

“Good morning, handsome.” You mumble.

“Mornin’, sugar. Guess what?” He asks.

“What?”

“Today’s the day.” He says as he gently rubs your legs.

You push up on your arms quickly and look around the room. Today’s the day?! Oh my gosh, today’s the day!” You jump out of bed and start to get undressed.

“Woah, wait a minute! Where you goin’? We’ve got all day, slow down girl. Come ‘ere.” He beckons you back to him before you can get your t-shirt and sweats all the way off. You smile and crawl back into bed with your captain. “I wanna spend a little more time with ma woman before we head out. It’s gonna be a long flight, and who knows how long we might hafta be apart while you get your family stuff sorted out.” He pulls you close, and you happily snuggle into his warm embrace. Yondu is the warmest, and most incredible big spoon ever. His warmth is amazing, his body is so firm and strong. His hands engulf your torso almost completely. Absentmindedly, you rub your hands along his arms as he holds you.

“I love you.” These are the only words you can come up with, and yet they barely capture your feelings for him.

“I love you too, honey.” He takes in a deep breath and sighs. Yondu is trying his best to keep his worries at bay. He’s going to take up as much time as he can with you, which is why he wants to be so cuddly. It’s almost as if he’s afraid that you could vanish from his embrace. Today was not going to be an easy one for him. The uncertainty is maddening.

#Yondu and The Secretary #yondu x reader #Yondu Udonta #gotg #gotg fanfiction #fanfic #marvel #marvel fan fiction #love #centaurian

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newtonsheffield · 3 years

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Love your new update and headcanons about Bridgerton babies! So Charlotte is the only lawyer in the house, what are the other kids up to?

Ahhhh The Baby Bridgertons, How I love these kids. Thank you so much for your kindness towards my update (It is sadly my least favourite of the series I think) But I’m very glad you enjoyed it! (I’ve had to put in a cut because this really got away from me and I’m so sorry)

Edmund had always been a practical child, and Kate often caught him mimicking Anthony like a tiny little shadow. It was on purpose when he was a boy (Kate’s favourite picture of the two of them is Anthony and Edmund sitting side-by-side on the sofa Anthony reading the paper, Edmund reading Where Oh Where is Kipper’s Bear with their legs crossed in exactly the same way) and then became subconscious as an adult. Anthony had been certain that he was finally going to get the son at Bridgerton and Sons when Edmund graduated high school, though Kate told him not to get too excited, they wanted Edmund to be happy, and he was lucky that he was in a position where he could choose whatever he wanted to do. Of course I want him to be happy Kate, and he can do whatever he wants. But it doesn’t really matter, It’s going to be Law. It’s not Law. Edmund becomes an accountant, and Anthony stands very proudly at his graduation clapping in the front row. After all, a law firm still needs an accountant no?

Miles is by far the most sensitive and artistic, and quietest child of Kate and Anthony’s. He still comes to annihilate when it comes to family board game night, he wasn’t adopted after all, but in general he’s a sort of background puppet master to the chaos rather than swooping in riding a tiger like his sister Charlotte. Miles becomes a professional violinist. And the day that Miles sits as first violin in the London Symphony Orchestra is one of the proudest of Kate’s life. He gets it from me you know. Anthony who has been treated to Kate’s flute recitals many times and is very familiar with her rendition of Mariah Carey’s Fantasy from the car and shower after more than twenty years of marriage decides it’s best not to respond, though he can’t help the absolutely baffled look that crosses his face anyway.

Charlotte as detailed here is a crown prosecutor. And Anthony and Kate are ludicrously proud of their daughter despite the fact she occasionally shoots down their cases. Anthony who has always hated losing, is so struck by Charlotte’s commanding presence that’s so like Kate’s in so many ways, that he decides, just this once, he can let it slide. But only because she’s his daughter.

Mary Bridgerton always loved animals. She was 1 year old when Kate’s beloved corgi Newton past away, but he was followed by Einstein, who, despite her father’s best efforts turned out to be just as much of a menace as his predecessor. KAAAATE Anthony’s enraged voice would often echo through the house. Your Dog has eaten my belt and Mary would always here her Mother’s voice sing song back Ahhh but you bought this one Anthony! He’s your dog! Mary loved Einstein and her aunt Lucy’s cat Gerald, and really any and all animals. She was always coming back from parks with a sick squirrel or a littler of kittens she’d found under a bench You may keep ONE Mary, And you can give the rest to your cousins, so no one was surprised when Mary became a veterinarian. She went to her father the day she applied and said I’m sorry Dad. I just don’t want to be a lawyer like Charlotte. Anthony had sighed and wrapped his daughter in a tight hug whispering how proud he would be anyway. And when Dr Mary Lucy Bridgerton is introduced on the stage Mary can hear her parents and siblings and all of her cousins whooping wildly in the auditorium and she knows that no matter what, her parents will love her anyway.

#I am the Kate of this post thinking I can pull off Mariah Carey Karaoke at my work Christmas party #and in the car #spoiler alert; I cannot #and where oh where is kippers bear is such a bop of a book #my favourite as a young child #highly rec #bridgerton and sons au #kathony #anthony x kate #anthony bridgerton #kate sheffield #baby bridgertons #edmund bridgerton II #miles bridgerton #charlotte bridgerton #mary bridgerton #proud dad Anthony

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zalrb · 3 years

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What were your favourite childhood movies? I was rewatching the karate kid movies and the newest version is nowhere as good as the old one.

This list is kind of all over the place, haha, because some movies are movies I grew up with meant for my age group at the time and a lot of them aren’t because I was exposed to a lot of media as a kid, haha. I’m also jumping around in time

Lion King --- I had Just Can’t Wait To Be King on repeat, I’d rewind it again and again and just sing it until I had to go to my room because my mother had enough

Aladdin --- apparently I just went around going, “I’m not a prize to be won!”

Land Before Time --- this movie is so fucking depressing but I really liked Ducky --- like to the point that the reason why I go “yepyep” is because Ducky goes “yepyepyep” and I remember when I realized that, I was like holy shit is that why all these years I go “yep yep” and my family was like, lol yes. But then as an adult I found out what happened to that child actress and that just made the movie all the more depressing

The Breakfast Club --- I explained this yesterday I believe

Grease --- so my mother loved/loves Grease, she knows all the songs, can play most of them on the piano and we used to live across the street from this movie theatre that played old movies and Grease was a regular so we watched it a lot

Sixteen Candles --- I remember thinking this was so romantic as a kid. Super problematic movie tho

Titanic - ah yes, Titanic, Leonardo DiCaprio, my first celebrity love. Oh, I can’t stand this movie now, lmao

Lord of the Rings trilogy --- lmao so when the first movie came out, I was obsessed with the elves and Rivendell and I used to write my homework with swirly letters to look like elvish and my teachers complained so I had to get a talking to about it

Love and Basketball --- first Black love story I ever saw.

Back To The Future 1 and 2, lmao as John Mulaney pointed out, the first movie anyway is actually REALLY weird when you think about it

Bad Boys --- I mean Martin Lawrence and Will Smith were the shit back then so I just liked watching them in a movie together

The Best Man --- THIS is funny so the 90s and early 00s saw a lot of African American movies and my mother was all about getting me to see Black people onscreen as much as I could so she took me to these movies even if it wasn’t exactly kid appropriate, she would just make sure to have a conversation with me about the movie when it ended, anyway, so when I was a kid, I didn’t really get a lot of the nuances of The Best Man but when it came out on VHS and when the soundtrack came out we got it so we watched it a lot and there’s a song by The Roots that I really like and one day I was like, I don’t know why I like this song so much and my mom was like because they play that song when you see Morris Chestnut for the first time and I think you went through puberty in the theatre when you saw him and I just diiiiiiiiiiiiiiied

As an adult, The Best Man is fucked up and I would’ve kicked Harper’s ass as well but only because what he did as a writer was a fucking dick move.

Pretty Woman --- it took me a while to realize that she was a sex worker

You’ve Got Mail --- I remember watching this in the theatre with my mom and being SO FRUSTRATED because I just didn’t understand why Tom Hanks couldn’t tell Meg Ryan the truth.

Liar Liar --- I related to having an absentee dad who never made good on his promises but I also liked Jim Carey’s exaggerative facial expressions but I remember there’s this joke, so the whole premise is that Jim Carey didn’t show up to his son’s birthday when he said he would (relatable!) and his son was so tired of him breaking promises, he wishes that his father will never lie again but Jim Carey is a lawyer so that causes issues, lmfao, but anyway so Jim Carey can’t lie and he has sex with I think it’s his boss, I forget, but he has sex with someone and she’s like how was it? and he goes “I’ve had better” and every time that joke came on my family would CRACK UP so I kept being like “better what? GUYS WHAT DID HE HAVE BETTER OF? I DON’T GET IT” then my mom and I had a conversation, lmfao.

Goodfellas --- I remember my cousins watching this movie in the living room and I saw the scene of the gif I posted below and was like OH WHAT’S THIS and then they told me to go into the bedroom because it was too grown but it’s like they forgot there was a TV in the bedroom and I just turned it to the channel and watched it there. And the movie came on a lot on TV so I just watched it a lot by myself, lmfao.

Twin Warriors aka Tai Chi Master --- probably my favourite martial arts movie. I know there are better ones but I really resonated with this as a kid. Jet Li was a legend with my cousins.

Fist of Legend

Once Upon A Time in China

Romeo Must Die --- omg I played this movie ALL. THE. TIME.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Boyz N The Hood --- a really important movie in my household to the point that I was excited to be able to write a paper on it in the same Popular Cinema from the 70s to the Present class I did my Breakfast Club paper for

same with Do The Right Thing

Jumanji -- I fucking love how mean-spirited this movie is and I did appreciate it as a child too although it freaked me the fuck out

Clueless

Home Alone - god, Kevin’s family was terrible

Home Alone 2 --- ah the movie/scene that changed my life

House Party --- to this day I haven’t been to a house party as live as this one

Malcolm X --- another extremely important movie in my household

Hook --- ooooh I still love this movie so much!

Scream --- I remember when this movie was THE. SHIT. Scared the fuck out of me.

Hero --- this movie was so gorgeous

Rush Hour --- I would probably hate Rush Hour now tbh but whenever I hear “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey I think of the opening scene because I was Soo Young belting to Mariah Carey in the car, it was the best part of the movie for me as a kid because I was like I DO THAT TOO but then she gets kidnapped, so....

The Mummy --- CLASSIC

Gremlins

Hercules - DUH

The Godfather --- I rarely talk about my dad but he was very much into mob movies because he liked the way they dressed and carriedt themselves in these movies, especially in The Godfather so whenever I was with him, The Godfather was on a lot

He was also very much into comics, particularly Batman, so even though I don’t really care for DCU/MCU or comics, I’m more likely to go to a theatre (well pre-Covid) and pay to watch a Batman movie over any other comic movie - except Black Panther which is a huge exception because these Batman movies were a pat of my childhood

yes, even Batman and Robin, I even had the soundtrack, listening to Bone Thugs N Harmony on my bunk bed and shit.

Space Jam --- I recently watched the Movie Pitch for this and it had me hollering

Lean On Me --- I have complicated feelings about this movie now but I grew up watching it and I really liked it and the older I got the more I understood what the movie was actually about

Practical Magic --- I wanted to live in that house

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone --- because it was real finally!

Armageddon -- I still love this horrible, nonsensical, illogical, terrible movie because it’s utterly fantastic and hilarious. As a child I didn’t understand this moment and why it was such a huge ask, as an adult I’m like YES. IF I SURVIVE SAVING THE WORLD I’M NOT DOING THIS, THE FUCK I LOOK LIKE?

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artificialqueens · 3 years

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Gimme Love, 3/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia

2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the

back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed

issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

So, why was Blair the second reason as to why I dragged myself to school? Her smile. That was enough. As much as I tried to avoid her, the world decided to do a big "fuck you" on me and sometimes put us into situations together. And every time, I'd be internally freaking out. The worst was when we were both 16. It was that time of the year when the school would invite someone to subject us to the most humiliating moment of our lives. How the fuck were you supposed to put a condom on a banana without bursting out laughing? How the fuck were you supposed to sit there and keep a straight face when the educator used words like 'flaps'? We filed into the class, Jujubee and me taking seats at the back of the room. We knew this was going to be hilarious, so best to avoid the attention of the teacher. "Juju, I know you are dying to make jokes during this, but I'm begging you. Please don't." I spoke quietly to her as other students filed in. "But you know I'm going to, right?" Jujubee smirked, putting her bag on the ground. "No. We wanna keep a low profile. If we laugh, we draw attention, and then we risk being singled out. You know? We'll be at the front of the class demonstrating whatever this bitch asks us." Obviously, I was referring to putting condoms on bananas and the like. Juju, however, raised a brow, "I wouldn't mind that, babe. Don't worry. We won't need to take our clothes off." I stared at her for a few seconds, unable to think of how to respond to that. Jujubee winked, and I forced myself to look away. "That's not what I meant." Blair strolled in with Denali and Rosé, already I could feel my stomach knotting. They went to sit together somewhere in the middle. "Ugh, nope. I don't think so, ladies." Ah, Miss Jaida Hall, if only I could have warned you not to say what you were about to say. Somehow Blair and the two others knew she was speaking to them. She continued, "This is an important class, and I'm not gonna have you all laughing and snickering during it." She had a point. The three girls usually whispered to each other in class, giggling about all sorts of shit. It was never anything malicious about the lesson or teachers, just inside jokes with each other, pretty harmless stuff. But it pissed the teachers off so much. "You can't be serious, right?" Denali replied, clearly scandalised. "Very serious, actually." Ms Hall nodded, "Denali, sit with Brian. Rosé, with Gigi. Blair, with Brianna." I grabbed Jujubee by the wrist, the pressure making her squeak. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. Blair was not rolling her eyes as she made her way to the back towards me. This was not fucking happening. As instructed, Jujubee stood up and let Blair sit down, moving to sit somewhere else. I was alone with the one person I tried my hardest to avoid. She slouched down in her chair, arms folded like she was already over it. I wanted so badly to ask if she was OK. But I couldn't bring myself to. And as the lights turned off and the sex-ed lady pressed play on the video player, I wished I had said something. As the way too enthusiastic narrator explained step by step the act of sexual intercourse, I tried hiding the blush on my face with my hair. I tried so hard to focus on what I was being taught. The truth was, I was still a virgin, as were many of the others in the room, I'm sure. But unlike them, I had no idea how sex worked. It wasn't something I ever gave time to think about. I felt a tapping on my hand. My body tensed as I glanced to the side. Blair was looking at the screen, then at me, then her fingers brushed against my hand. I stared back, unsure of what was happening but also knowing full well what she was doing. She leaned closer and pressed her lips on mine. … OK, that's not what happened. Life wasn't a movie. This was the beginning of the fantasies. Was I ashamed because I was thinking about Blair like that? Or was I ashamed that I enjoyed thinking of Blair like that? "This is ridiculous," Blair whispered. Was I supposed to say something back? "What do you mean?" I

whispered back. "Do they actually think we're that dumb? We all know how sex works. We don't need this stupid class." Blair rolled her eyes. I almost told her that I belonged to the small percentage that didn't know. But I stopped myself. I couldn't bear her knowing that information. Instead, I went with the awkward, "haha. Yeaaahhhh…" For the rest of the film, we sat in silence. Still trying to focus on the screen. Not the absolute stunner sitting next to me. And as if by magic, the video ended. I wanted to say I was relieved, but I couldn't lie; what I learned from the film left me nauseous. He puts his hoo-ha in her what, now?? "Well, that was really cool and hip, right?" The educator enthused. I cringed internally. No woman wearing a crucifix necklace and ankle-length skirt has the right to use words like 'cool' and 'hip'. "I know it's probably all so confusing. So that's why I'm here to answer any of your questions, dudes and dudettes." Already, one of the boys put a hand up. "Go ahead, homie." "What about the other hole?" He said with a straight face before his friends started laughing. He laughed back as he fired one of them. "You know. The back door?" Ms Hall shot him the 'look'. He was toast. The sex educator fixed her hair quite uncomfortable, "Well, there's a reason that is an out hole, young man. I warn all of you, do not go down that road. You will get aids and die. Now, does anybody else have a question?" The educator rambled, fixing her hair awkwardly. I heard the rustling of clothes beside me, and glancing around, Blair had her hand straight up in the air. "Yes, sweetheart?" Sex Ed lady pointed to her. "OK, so this is interesting and all, but I was just wondering, what about non-heterosexual sex?" Her brows knit for a moment. I looked around at her now. The breath caught in my throat. "I'm sorry?" Sex Ed lady asked. "You know. Man on man. Girl on girl. What about all of that?" Blair raised a brow. "I mean, you gotta know there's more than just heterosexual people out there. Maybe some even in this room right now." "Blair." Ms Hall began. "Because, if you disagree, then that's ridiculous. Oh, and if you think aids is some kind of death sentence, then you seriously need to educate yourself." Sex ed lady looked appalled, her Christian beliefs quite clearly threatened. "That's it. Get out." Ms Hall stood up. Blair huffed, pushing her seat back, lifted her bag and left the room, Ms Hall following behind. "OK. So, any other questions? Reasonable questions only, please." Jujubee was looking over her shoulder at me now, sharing the same expression I did. Thank God for lunch next period. Jujubee and I were hiding at the back of the school, in an alley between the building itself and the old workshops. The perfect hiding place for a smoke and to freak the fuck out about specific events. "Juju, she knows. She knows I'm a lesbian. She knows I like her." I paced. "I'm moving. That's it." I stopped. "But why would she speak up for me of all people? It doesn't make sense." My eyes widened. "Unless she's also a lesbian. I mean, that makes sense, right?" Jujubee had been sitting on the wall, patiently listening to my manic ramblings. The first few minutes, she was just as astounded. But the more I theorised, rambling on and on, she was over it. "I highly doubt that considering the boyfriend." "Then she must know. Why else would she say it? I highly doubt there are other gays in that class. Speaking of which, I had no idea lesbians could have sex like; how does that work. I'm gonna look into that somehow. But getting back to the point, if she did know, why would she speak out for me of all people?" My ramblings were non-stop. I tried my best to avoid Blair for the rest of the day, not that I could, considering we were both in the same last period. Blair's outburst was the talk of the school. I wasn't sure if it was a positive response or not. The only thing I did know was Trevor was pissed. "Brie, look." Jujubee tapped me. I turned from my locker and looked where everyone else seemed to be

looking. Just down the corridor, Trevor was standing over Blair, their conversation clearly heated. People were shamelessly moving closer, Jujubee following in their path. "Juju, don't," I whispered. But she didn't listen. I went after her as if it would stop her. "Trevor, this isn't that big of a deal," Blair said. "Not a big deal? Blair, do you know what the guys are saying? They think you're gonna dump me for a girl. Do you know how humiliating that is?" Trevor held a hand to his chest "And what if I did?" Blair challenged. The few people standing around cooed with excitement. "Oh, please. Don't get all cocky now that you have an audience." Trevor pointed. But Blair took a step closer to him. "What, 'cause you know you're the one who looks like an idiot? Maybe if you weren't so insecure, you'd know I would never do that to you." "Don't call me an idiot." Trevor lowered his tone, choosing purposely to ignore her reassurance. "Fine. But don't criticise me for a valid question I asked in a class you weren't even a part of. It's none of your business, no one's business for that matter." Blair bit back. "I can do what I want, Blair." "OK. Whatever." Blair brushed past him. Trevor quickly spun around, grabbing her arm. "No, we're not done having this conversation." My stomach twisted. "Let go of my arm, Trevor." Blair tugged, her voice cracking. Trevor did as was told now that the air was thick with tension, "We are not done talking," he stressed. Blair took a step back, "Yeah, we are, actually," and she turned to walk away. "If you walk away right now, we're finished." Trevor threatened. It was as if time was at a standstill, waiting for her reaction. But at the same time, it felt as though time was counting down. Like we were in a competition show. The contestant has to decide before time runs out, while the audience yells, 'DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!' No one was shouting, but you could feel everyone's excitement. Blair's lip curled upwards. "OK. Fine by me." And, finally, she walked off. The people were cooing with excitement again. "Shut up!" Trevor shouted. I grabbed Jujubee by the shoulder and ushered her back. Trevor kicked his locker, the thud echoing through the halls. That was the last straw. Knowing Trevor, he'd take his anger out on us. It was time to flee the scene. It was all Jujubee wanted to talk about for the rest of the day. Now I knew how she felt during my smoke break. But I couldn't blame her. The scene played in my head over and over again, leading to so many questions. Was there more to this breakup? Did he grab Blair like that all the time? What would happen now? Would she find a new guy? A girl, maybe? I came to the conclusion that Blair and Trevor's breakup was neither good nor bad. Bad because, as I said before, now he had more pent up anger from the humiliation of being so publicly dumped. Therefore, Jujubee and I would most likely be subject to more harassment. Good, because maybe Blair did like girls. Maybe there was still some little chance for us to be together. But if we were going to be together, there was one issue; I still had no fucking idea how lesbian sex worked. Cut to later that night, I'm in my room, sitting in front of my computer. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts of the breakup. While the scratchy dial-up tones emitted the machine, I psyched myself up. Even though I knew sex was normal to learn about at that age, it was still daunting. With shaky hands, I searched 'lesbian sex'. And fuck was it a mistake. What I wanted was educational articles, guides, etc. And what I got was porn. I watched all but a few minutes, all the painfully bad acting scenes that took place before the main event. Upon hearing the first moan, I clicked out as fast as I could. Looking behind me, Piggie was just playing with a stuffed animal on my bed. "You saw that, right?" He looked at me with perked ears. I still felt judged, so I opened my bedroom door and let him out. I needed to be exact. 'How do lesbians have sex?' And Brianna Caldwell was never the

same. My mind was opened that night. This was no mistake. This was a surprise. I couldn't look away from the computer screen, no matter how slow the Internet connection was. All of this information was all too much but not enough at the same time. And it made me feel less nauseated than I felt after watching that stupid video in class. And I built up the courage to go back to that porn site. And I watched every damn second. Then I watched another one. And another. And just one more 'cause why the fuck not? My bedroom door opened. "Brianna, I'm ordering - -" "Get out," I shouted, closing the site down like my life depended on it. But she stood there for a few seconds, eyes wide and hand still on the door frame. "Honey, are you - -" "Mom, oh my god. Can you just - -" I couldn't even form a proper sentence. She gave an apologetic look and closed the door. But she remained on the other side. "I just wanted you to know that I'm ordering pizza for Grandpa and me. Do you want some?" My forehead was in my hand now. "Yes." "What kind?" "Just…" I wanted to shout, "Pepperoni." And with that, she left. But that wasn't the end of it. When the food arrived, I waited a few minutes before going downstairs to grab a few slices. Grandpa was in the living room watching an old rerun of The A-Team. But she was there, in the kitchen, as if she was waiting for me. "Honey, look. I know you're getting to that age where you're curious about certain things and - -" "Mom, no. Please, don't do this." I whined. "I know. I know. I just wanted to let you know that this is natural, and…" she continued to deliver the same talk we all got in class. My eyes were wide, face red with humiliation. -_-_-_- 2020 I picked up a slice of pepperoni pizza, instantly reminded of the traumatic event. OK, maybe that was too strong of a word to use. But of course, you are going to dread the thought of that time your parent talked to you about sex. I walked into the living room, pizza slice in hand, trying not to dwell on the memory. "So, Brianna. Any update on the love life?" Tamisha asked. I loved that bitch; being one of Mom's closest friends, she was present for most of my life. But she always had a tendency to ask questions I wasn't up for answering. I took a bite from my pizza and answered with a full mouth, "dry." "Girl, you're almost 40." She continued. I was ready to challenge her because I was actually just 33 when Mom took her turn to speak. "Yeah, get yourself a man and make me a Grandma already." She wasn't serious. She knew I hated these types of talks, but that didn't stop her from encouraging the others. The funny thing about the time she caught me watching porn, she never clocked it was girl on girl. Of all the years I've been on this planet, I hadn't given her a clue that I was a lesbian. Would I ever tell her? I didn't see the point. From previous failed relationships and being too busy with my job, I wouldn't end up with someone anyway. But of course, I'd make an exception for a certain someone. Monét poured the first round of shots. I already knew I'd hate myself the next day. I wasn't drunk already. Just sort of buzzed. But that changed within an hour. I was hammered. Mom, Monét and all her friends were singing all the old songs in the living room. I was out in the kitchen, trying to drink 8 glasses of water. I only managed 3. Piggie ran in and put his paws up on my knee. "There he is. My baby. My fucking son." I slid down to the ground and let him sit in my lap. "How is your night going?" Just great, Brianna! Anyway, how about that Blair girl, huh? Piggie's non-existent voice said. "Oh yeah," my eyes narrowed. I unlocked my phone and opened up Facebook. And I bravely searched up her name. I say bravely because it does take some balls to go and stalk your crushes social media accounts. All it took to fuck everything up was the slip of a finger, and before you know it, you've liked a post or sent a friend request. "Let's do some digging, Piggie." I cuddled him. Immediately, she was the top result, with Jujubee

being the only mutual friend. "Yeah, girl. Infiltration." I commented as I clicked into her profile. And then her profile picture. "Holy shit." She hadn't aged. She still looked as young and radiant as she did back in high school. "What do you think, Piggie?" I showed him the screen. He glanced at it before tucking his head under his arms. The enthusiasm. I rolled my eyes. I looked at her info. 'Single'. Promising. Scrolling down to her timeline, I noticed she didn't post a lot. Fair enough. Facebook was becoming a dead site in recent years. There were just your average Facebook posts, sharing giveaway posts, a post from an old lady saying, 'Blair, this is Granny. Could you go to Walmart and get me some applesauce? Love granny xx', a shared post from a guy called George Miller. And my finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Blair holding a baby. "Oh God, we've encountered our first obstacle, Piggie," I whined. I clicked into the comments. That George Miller guy commented, 'congrats, Blair!' She replied, 'thank you, but she's my cousin's lol'. "Thank you, Jesus." I put my phone down for a moment to put my hand up to the good lord. I scrolled some more, seeing many inspirational quotes, a link to Adore You by Harry Styles. And a picture of her. With that George Miller guy. With his arms around her. Pressing a kiss to her temple. I could feel my heart sink the more I studied it. Yeah, I knew Blair and I were never meant to be anyway. But it was still upsetting. Relax. They could be friends. Yeah, that's right. Friends hold each other and act all affectionate, right?? I cuddle with Jujubee sometimes. That doesn't mean anything. Right? I needed evidence, just anything, to make it not true. I scrolled some more. There was a video, she was sitting on her sofa, with a girl playing the guitar sitting on the other end. "I've been running races on empty, Pour it up 'cause my cup so empty. Gotta make time for the real me. I've been running, I've been running on empty." And my nerves were settled again. I had only heard Blair sing a few times. She and her friends would pretend they were famous singers in early elementary years, and she'd always be the best. Then another time was in high school, at the winter talent show. I specifically remember it being A moment like this by Kelly Clarkson. It was unreal. 'Jujubee 💋💅🏽 is typing…' I clicked into Snapchat before she even had a chance to type the whole message. "Do you remember Jujubee?" I asked Piggie. Again, he was silent. 'I hope you're having fun, babe ❤ lv u'. "Thanks," was all I could manage to type. A shadow cast over me. I looked up to see Monét join me on the ground. "Hey, girl." She greeted me. "Hi, Aunt Monét." I smiled. Piggie hopped off my lap and onto hers. "Aunt Monét? Honey, you haven't called me that since middle school." She smiled. I returned the smile, only mine probably looking goofy. "I'm just wasted." "I noticed. No more shots for you anyway." She noted, taking a drink from her own bottle. "Anyway, how's the project?" "We got fucking Ed Sheeran involved." I then cursed myself internally for bringing it up. "I heard. Your Mom was telling me. Ugh, girl, why him? Why not someone like…" she paused to think, "like Beyonce. Or Lady Gaga." "OK, man-hater." I quipped, reaching over to pet Piggie. "Not true. Not all men are bad." Monét pointed out. "Speaking of which, when are you getting yourself one?" I could have given her the usual 'I don't have time for men's talk. But the alcohol said no. "Monét, I like girls." And I felt no shame in saying it. A moment of silence fell between us before she asked, "for real?" "Yeah." I nodded. "Does anyone else know?" "Yeah. Juju. And Piggie probably." I replied, leaving one more name out for the sole purpose I didn't want to get into that. "And Mom?" "Nope." She nodded. "I guess this is one of these aunty-niece confidentiality things?" "Uh-huh." I smiled. Bless Aunt Monét. "Well, no matter who you live, we still love you." She laughed for a moment before taking another drink. I knew

she was right. Maybe coming out to Mom wasn't such a bad idea. "You know what, Brianna?" She paused, "Grandpa would be so proud of you, right?" My smile slowly began to drop. Fuck, the touchy subject. "Oh, I...thanks." I thought the change in my mood was hard to miss, but Monét clearly had. "You and I ain't ever talked about him since...you know." "OK," I said quietly, feeling like my chest was a fist, beginning to clench tighter and tighter. "And sometimes, it's just good to look back on - -" "I gotta go." I quickly stood up, feeling the dark fog already come over me. I rushed from the room, my aunty calling my name and apologising. I avoided going into the living room, rushing up the stairs and racing for the bathroom. As soon as the door was locked, I let myself crumble, my face hidden beneath shaking hands, a cry clogged in my throat just begging to belt out. Mom would definitely hear it. I wasn't going to ruin her day. Absolutely not. Tags: rpdr fanfiction // s10 // as5 // miz cracker // jujubee // blair st clair // blair x cracker // denali foxx // rose // fluff // coming of age // hurt/comfort // lesbian au // highschool au // grinder // tw grief // tw homophobia [Cover image here] AN: Hey, guys! I hope yall are enjoying this fic so far! Throw me a like please if you do. TW for this chapter: Grief // Homophobia [read more] 2003 High School. The bane of my existence. Just as I thought elementary and middle school were terrible, High School really was something else. From my childhood therapy sessions, I learned to conceal my anger, avoid freakouts, and channel my emotions into other things. It was good for me, yeah. But it also made me a more reserved person. Things still made me angry, the other kids at school being a primary key to that. But I never defended myself. Ever. Of course, Jujubee always had my back. Only in later years did I learn to appreciate the times she'd yell at the other kids, telling them to fuck off and whatnot. But back then, I wished she hadn't. It only drew more negative attention. All I wanted was to get through those tough years. I would come home a lot, look at pictures of myself as a child. And I'd be so mad because only then did I see that I wasn't an ugly kid. I was adorable. But, God clearly had favourites 'cause puberty did not do me any favours. If only I had grown up in a more modern time when no one gave a shit about looks. When people were outspoken about the cruelty that came with shaming someone for their looks. When people were more aware of the psychological damage that could do. Again, God had favourites. From years of my eyesight getting worse and needing a new pair of glasses every time I went to the eye doctor, I had thick-rimmed frames that made me look straight out of the 70s. And the lenses made my eyes look huge. I looked like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. My hair was bigger but full of split ends due to lack of giving a shit about it. I begged Mom to let me bleach it blonde. She always straight up refused. I had braces for a whole year which, yeah, many people had braces, but one time while answering a question in class, I drooled. And no one let me hear the end of it. And makeup wasn't something I really fucked with. I tried it once, safe and sound in my own bedroom, and it looked woeful. Instead of working to get better, I accepted defeat in that I would always be ugly. "I'm serious, girl. The foundation was so bad. And it was too dark." I ranted to Jujubee as we headed to the bus stop. I was trying to smoke my cigarette as fast as I could before getting there. Mom never knew, and what she didn't know couldn't kill her. Of course, I didn't just go into the store and buy them myself. Instead, I took one a day from my Grandpa's supply. "Girl, you gotta test it first." She pointed out, adjusting her bag straps. "Juju, I got the lightest colour they had. I don't fucking get it. Every other girl in the school uses it. Maybelline shouldn't sell this shit." "You just need to find a different brand." She grabbed my shoulder and pulled me

closer, "OK, don't tell my Mom, but I tried some of her MAC shit the other day, and my skin looked fucking flawless." She let me go, took my cigarette from me, taking a toke herself. "Well, how am I supposed to get my hands on that?" I took the cig back. "I don't see any MAC stores around here." "Oh, yeah? Well, you know what your Other World self would do?" Jujubee's brow raised, a sweet grin appearing on her mischievous face. "She would say fuck school, hop on the next bus to Cleveland and go straight to the MAC store." Blowing out some smoke, I looked at her, "Well, Other World you wouldn't be encouraging that sort of behaviour." "No, she wouldn't 'cause she'd be the first on the bus." Jujubee countered. "And she'd start the sing-song." "Yeah, well other world me would out-sing you 'cause she's a star. She's a fucking diva, bitch. Mariah Carey has nothing on her." We were too caught up in our fantasy world; we almost missed the vehicle driving past us. Only when we saw the cackling faces of the boys at the back of the bus did realisation take over. We were going to miss the bus. "Fuck." I uttered, watching the guys still flipping us off as they moved further and further away. To make matters worse, a car pulled up beside us. And of fucking course, it was Trevor Preston, the Captain of the football team. His two sidekicks were in the back seat, Logan and Noah. "Aw, look, guys. The geeks just missed the bus." Trevor fake whined. In these situations, I just shut down. I thought it was for the best at the time, but fuck, if I could go back and punch that guy. "You know what? Why don't you mind your own fucking business, Trevor?" Jujubee squinted her eyes at him. “Wow, little fiesty, Juju.” He continued, "How about this? We all say sorry, and we can both ride with us to school." 'Hell fucking no.' I thought. "Oh yeah? And what's the catch?" Jujubee raised a brow. "You let me feel your tits," Trevor smirked, his two cronies snickered. "Ah, there it is. I thought that was what your pea-sized brain would come up with." Jujubee nodded her head. "So, hey, Brianna," Trevor shifted his attention, "You're awfully quiet. Don't I at least get a hello?" I was still frozen, feeling my anxiety brewing within. "Dude, don't be so sensitive. You know, if she opens her mouth, she'll just drool all over herself." Logan added, the three axe wounds beginning to snicker again. I felt like I should have at least opened my mouth to prove them wrong, or maybe spit on Trevor's car. But still, I just stood there. "Trevor, if you don't fuck off right now, I'm gonna key your car." Jujubee threatened. "Juju." I tried to stop her. "Wouldn't even have the chance, sweetheart. Either of you bitches come near my car; you'll never walk the halls again." How gentleman-like, threatening two girls. Funny how our safety was the price to pay for a car. Oh, men. "Keep that in mind," Trevor concluded before driving away with dumb and dumber. "You didn't have to do that." I looked at Jujubee. "I'm sorry they're such assholes." She replied, taking my hand in hers. I shook it off, however. "No, I mean, I wish you wouldn't do that." Jujubee crossed her brows, "what? So I'm supposed to sit there and just take it? No fucking way." "I know. But," I paused, "they kinda scare me. You know?" "Brie, there's nothing more pathetic than a man sweating over the safety of his ride." She retook my hand, "Don't be afraid of a cunt like him." "I mean, I can try not to. But I can't make any promises." I shrugged. "Anyway, what's the plan? How are we supposed to get there on time?" Jujubee was silent for a moment before replying with, "my Mom?" Her Mom did end up giving us a ride, much to my dismay. I would have preferred to take the day off. Or better yet, to just fucking drop out altogether. But Jujubee was always there to reassure me - I adored that bitch. I would have fucking taken a bullet for her. I would like to say that it wasn't just Jujubee and me, that we had a group of more friends. But these guys, I never really counted them as

friends. A year prior, we both decided to try and improve our social lives by joining a club. The only one that would accept us was the chess club. Every other member was a guy, and they were nerds. Not that Jujubee and I minded. However, the problem was that they only let us in because...well, do I even need to explain? "So, Brianna," Jimmy decided to approach me at the end of one session, licking his hand and sweeping his hair from his face. "Because I beat you twice today, what do I get?" "...Excuse me?" "My prize. What do I get??" He put an arm around my shoulders. I was puzzled, "Uh, you can have my chicken nuggets at lunch." His grin was beginning to disappear. "Oh, I was thinking of something else. A kiss, maybe?" I felt bad for doing it, but my fight or flight response told me to just run from the room. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but these guys were just on another level of thirst. And it wasn't just me who they flirted with. Jujubee had informed me of a time Arnold convinced her to make out with him. She was all for it until she realised how awful of a kisser he was. And as the boys became more desperate, we decided that we were better off alone. Again, I was so grateful for Jujubee. I was surprised she stuck around, considering she had seen me at my worst when we were still so young. How the fuck had she not developed issues of her own? Jujubee was the number one reason I even found the strength to just get up in the morning, drag my ass to school, and do my work - Well, aside from wanting to get good grades so I could go to a good college. The second reason? Blair. Unlike me, she was thriving. Our lives were totally cliche - me being the kid who grew up to be the nerd who only speaks when it's to answer a question. And Blair, growing up to be the head cheerleader. And I was still very much in love with her. What a fucking cliche. I avoided Blair at all costs for several reasons;

differing social circles (in my case, lack of),

her boyfriend, who was the Captain of the soccer team and wasn't shy about giving me and Jujubee grief,

her friends,

and, of course, my massive crush on her.

#rpdr fanfiction #s10 #as5 #miz cracker #jujubee #blair st clair #blair x cracker #denali foxx #rosé #fluff #coming of age #hurt/comfort #lesbian au #high school au #angst #gimme love #grinder #tw grief #tw homophobia

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sxpernovagirl · 3 years

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💭 ( love )

When/Where: Throughout Nova's life / Auckland & Santa Monica

About: Nova's memories surrounding love.

Triggers: Depression

January 1999 (Storge)

“I love you, mama!” Nova was two years old, it was the first full string of a sentence that she didn’t stumble over. She had scurried over to her mom and hugged her leg so tightly before the girl could head off to school. Seon-Hee froze in her tracks and smiled a watery smile, scooping up her toddler and holding her tightly. Sure, it may have made her late to school, but it was worth hearing those three words from her little star. It was Nova’s first experience with unconditional love.

August 2001 (Pragma)

Nova silently giggled to herself as she learned to play Christina Aguilera’s Genie in a Bottle on piano. With each note she was surrounded by a smoky swirl of turquoise, blue, and a lime green. She would sing along to see a trail of smoky gold leave her own lips. It was her own little secret, but one of the reasons why she loved music so much. While the world around her was so colorful, music added its own flair to it. From the greens and blues of Genie in a Bottle to the bright reds and blues of Jumpin’ Jumpin’ by Destiny’s Child and the pinks and yellows of Mariah Carey’s Fantasy, her life would always be filled with color. She loved it so much that she wanted to just be like the pop greats, to make her own music and connect the colors together, to create her own rainbow.

So when Seon-Hee asked little Nova what were the giggles about, the little one could only turn around and shrug.

“I just really love music!”

December 2004 (Storge)

“The day I fell in love with you was the day you shared your ice cream with Nova, who was no more than two and a half at the time. She didn’t ask for it, but you just offered it to her and her whole face lit up. It was like, you knew what she was thinking…and it was like you knew right then and there what to do…”

Nova eagerly watched Seon-Hee and Oliver say their vows, their eyes were watery and their voices slightly shaky. It was like a fairytale. Her mother was in a beautiful white gown and her now, father was in a suit only seen in storybooks. Her eyes sparkled at their first kiss as husband and wife and all little Nova could think was how she wanted a fairytale just like her parents. It was beautiful, it was magical. Everyday she would wake up and see them both in the kitchen gazing at each other with love in their eyes.

June 2013 (Mania)

“I’m in love with you, Nova!”

Nova’s heart dropped to her stomach at the phrase. This wasn’t what love was. It wasn’t fighting outside after school in front of her house. It wasn’t mascara running down her face in frustration. This wasn’t what it felt like. She didn’t feel the world slow down or her heart soar. She felt angry, dejected, hurt.

“No you don’t!” She fired back in between sobs. “You don’t love me, you don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t just make me feel like shit and then say you love me, that’s not how it works!” She called out to her boyfriend—well soon to be ex.

“Well what do you know, anyways?!”

“I know that we’re done, that’s for fucking sure!” Nova yelled at the top of her lungs.

June 2014 (Eros/Philia)

“Nova, what if I said that I—“

“Please don’t.”

“But I—“

“No you don’t.”

Nova slid her shorts back on as she was getting ready to leave. The guy that she had a spring fling with had definitely caught feelings and with him catching feelings meant the charade would be over. It sucked, he was really great and knew what he was doing and what she liked, but…she couldn’t pursue anything further. Maybe because of the fact that there wasn’t that romantic pull towards him. He was shallow and vain, often thinking more of himself than he did other people. Somehow, she managed to get him to open up, to see past the facade, but she sure as hell didn’t expect for him to fall for her. Either way, it was over.

“So what does this mean?” He asked.

“It’s gotta end. We can’t continue down this road because your emotions will just keep getting in the way and I just don’t see us together romantically.”

“Thank you for being honest, Nov.”

She nodded with a small grin and grabbed her sneakers and made her way out of the room, dignity intact and all.

January 2017 (Storge)

“I don’t love myself enough!” Nova had snapped in front of everyone between her friends and her parents. She had spent the last few weeks isolating herself, completely shutting everyone out. She had stormed off, tears in her eyes and while some of them tried chasing after her, Seon-Hee held everyone off to catch up with her daughter.

Depression was one hell of a thing that would take hold of Nova like a snake strangling its prey. She would feel stuck and suffocated, the light from her eyes would dim…but this time, her eyes were completely void. It was the lowest she had ever been and those who really knew saw it.

Seon-Hee held her daughter tightly trying to keep the 20 year old from completely crumbling. Reminding her that she was loved and sometimes, there would be days where she wouldn’t be too proud of herself, but that no one loved her less on the days where she couldn’t love her own self.

October 2020 (Philia/Philautia)

“I really love you guys,” Nova slurred drunkenly. It was her 24th birthday and she was surrounded by her friends, well, her family as she called them. While her glitter was smeared now and appeared that she had been crying glitter, she felt happy. This was what love felt like to the young woman. It felt warm and comforting, just like home as she tried to pull everyone into a group hug…and at least sucker someone into carrying her because there was no way she would be able to walk on her two feet without looking like a baby deer just learning how to use their legs.

As she was being hauled out of the bar, she stopped in front of the reflection and smiled. “Hey hey wait wait wait,” She slurred, flailing her hands. “I look so prettyyy!! Oh my gosh! I didn’t know I looked so pretty tonight! Did anyone tell me I was pretty? It’s okay, I know I’m pretty. Go Nova, you a baddie,” She giggled, blowing a kiss to her own reflection before being hauled out once more. If there was anyone who had enough self-love for themselves, it was definitely Nova…especially after a few drinks.

July 2021 (Eros)

“Hey google, what is love?” Nova asked, her voice raspy and heavy with exhaustion. It was 3am and her parents were away for the evening catering for a wedding.

“Love is an intense feeling of deep affection.” Her Google radio responded back.

It wasn’t enough for Nova and she huffed. All she could think about was what Soo and Mimi had said…

“It may be more than a simple crush Nova, sometimes when you really know the person, and they know everything about you…those feelings grow more into something like love.”

"Love is a strong word though. And it's not always what you might expect."

She should’ve asked them that night what it felt like. Suddenly, she wasn’t sure what she felt. She sat in front of her laptop with a pen and her journal open as she tapped nervously, reading through every meaning of love. From the Greek meanings of the different type of love, to philosophers, authors, and poets.

“What does it feel like?” She wondered aloud. Romantic love. Was it all consuming? Was it feeling your heart skip a beat? Was it the way your whole chest burst into a flutter or an electric tingle up your spine?

She wasn’t sure what love was anymore…but she felt all of the above.

#{ answered }#hc

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treason-and-plot · 5 years

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Nanette wipes her palms on the legs of her trousers and stares into the distance. She has never wanted to talk about Mia’s father before and Mia has never pursued the topic…Mia has wondered, of course, but to do anything more than that seemed like a betrayal because the memory of him obviously caused her mother pain. All Mia knows about her father is that his name was Brian and he deserted Nanette when she was 6 months pregnant which seemed to speak volumes about his character: Why would Mia want to know anything about such a scumbag? Mia did not want to add to the hurt that her lowlife father had already caused Nanette, so she never mentioned him. To do so would have seemed cruel, and disloyal.

But now Mia is wondering: Could it be that Nanette didn’t like talking about him because it was she who had acted badly? Because Nanette was ashamed?

Mia waits, and Nanette turns to face her again. The corner of one of the wads of banknotes is digging into Mia’s arse cheek and she screws her nose up and shifts position.

Nanette: I was besotted with your father. Head over heels in love with him. I thought he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. And the chemistry between us was incredible. I’d almost forgotten what it felt like, that giddiness and euphoria, until I felt it again with Renny. Not that Brian and Renny are at all similar, physically. Brian was slight in build, very slender, a little bit scruffy. His hair and skin were fair but he had liquid brown eyes. Just like you.

Mia: Where did you meet?

Nanette: At a ‘Save Our Beaches’ rally. I was one of the organizers. Brian was doing a news story for the community radio station and he asked if he could interview me. Of course I said yes. It went so well he asked me to come into the studio and do a live on-air segment the next day. After the segment finished he put on ‘Fantasy’ by Mariah Carey and then he leaned over and kissed me and that was it, I was gone. To this day I can’t hear that song without being reminded of Brian. Oh dear, that was such a magical time. I was in my late thirties and I had never been in love before. Brian was ten years younger than me. But I didn’t care.

Mia: Pffft. Ten years is nothing.

Nanette: Well, it made a difference in our case because as well as being madly in love, I was desperate for a baby. The ticking of my biological clock was deafening! Of course I didn’t mention that to Brian right away, I wasn’t completely crazy! Anyway, for nearly six months everything was blissful between us. But when I finally brought up the subject of babies Brian was adamant that he wasn’t interested in having children at that stage of his life. He just couldn’t understand my need at all. It was constantly there, gnawing away at my soul. I couldn’t think of anything else. But there was no convincing him. I was devastated, Mia.

Mia: You should have just got out and found someone else.

Nanette But I didn’t want anybody else. I loved Brian, and I wanted Brian to be my baby’s father. It sounds terrible now, but I felt that my biological urges were way more important than any of his flimsy reasons for not wanting a child. I also believed that once I fell pregnant, he would grow to love the idea of being a father. So I stopped taking the pill. Brian must have sensed something though because he started insisting we use condoms as well, ‘for backup.’

Nanette: Which was his downfall, really.

She gives a bitter smile. Mia leans as far forward as the wads of cash taped to her torso will allow.

Mia: Ma? What do you mean? What did you do?

#Mia #Nanette #Mia and Nanette in Paris #5 years later #simblrstories #sims storytelling #Sims Stories

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letteredlettered · 5 years

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i know the show shows us david's thoughts on patrick doing cabaret but can you talk about it anyway lol? "it" can be from when he first hears that patrick is thinking about auditioning to when the whole run of performances is over.... i love hearing your thoughts on stuff like this!

I was gonna say I didn’t have many thoughts on this, but then I wrote you a twenty-five point summation, so here is a cut.

1) I loved the difference between David being really mortified about Patrick wanting to do an open mic night, vs David kind of sniping at Moira for not being supportive of Patrick’s audition.

2) I feel like David’s reaction to the fact that Schitt’s Creek theater was even doing Cabaret was abject horror and they’ll ruin it

3) And then he hears Jocelyn Schitt is directing and thinks, they’ll ruin it ten times worse

4) And then he registers that he has this news because Patrick is talking about auditioning. David registers he’ll have to go to this fucking play and that Patrick is going to dance his horrible dancing and sing like a motherfucking rockstar but the production will be so bad that it’s all going to be miserable. Like even if the Jazzagals can sing, who will play Sally? Patrick is an obvious shoe-in for Cliff but ughhhhhhhhhh

5) And then David remembers that he is a supportive boyfriend who does supportive boyfriend things and a supportive boyfriend would be like, You nail that audition, honey!

6) So David says, “You nail that audition, honey!” but it accidentally sounds sarcastic and Patrick makes fun of him and then David accidentally says something about what an awful dancer Patrick is and Patrick is like, “Are we really going to compare dancing? Really?” Because David has danced for him before and David makes a snide comment about the thickness of Patrick’s thighs and Patrick makes a lustful comment about the length of David’s legs. And then they have sex.

7) There’s something really sweet and endearing about Patrick trying out for a play. Patrick is such a go-getter. He wants to be involved in the community and talk to people and try things. Like. It sounds like torture. But David wants Patrick to do all the things and succeed at all of them and sound content and happy and engaged with life here, even if it means David gets less of Patrick’s time. It means that Patrick is happy with life and happy with him and David really, really wants Patrick to be happy. Patrick is perfect when he’s happy and everything is awful when he’s upset.

8) Then Moira takes over the production and David feels a lot better about the whole thing.

9) Then David realizes Moira is in charge of the production and David feels a lot worse about the whole thing.

10) Then Patrick gets cast as the Emcee which David thinks is serious miscasting, but then he realizes his mother is a genius because Patrick is obviously the sexiest man in the entire village (he sometimes thinks of Schitt’s Creek as a medieval village; it’s a whole thing) and the Emcee should be the sexiest one.

11) David immediately starts planning Patrick’s makeup and costume.

12) Moira shows him thoughts/designs for costumes and invites David to help. David immediately starts scaling back all thoughts of Patrick’s costume to something Patrick would feel comfortable wearing, because none of David’s fantasies were appropriate and now that it’s a real thing all he wants is for Patrick to look cute and feel comfy. And also fit perfectly within the entire aesthetic of the show which he has designed from top to bottom in his mind and matches his mother’s almost perfectly.

13) David’s glad about Patrick getting to spend all this time with Mom because sometimes David gets the feeling Patrick doesn’t like his parents. Like Patrick thinks David’s parents mistreated him or something? Which is cute that his boyfriend is all defensive but Patrick just doesn’t really understand them. Like he understands them but doesn’t understand them.

14) David’s terrified about Patrick getting to spend all that time with Mom because Patrick doesn’t understand them.

15) Like what if Patrick gets annoyed and realizes David’s going to turn into Moira (David’s kind of afraid of turning into Moira) and then doesn’t want him any more? Because there is no man on earth who is as patient and faithful as Johnny Rose.

16) David makes a rule about how Patrick can’t talk about the play with him.

17) David immediately breaks this rule and continues to break it over and over.

18) Like the play isn’t his business. He isn’t even really interested. Just because he used to want to do costume and set design professionally, whatever, he doesn’t c--she cast Stevie as Sally, what the fuck was she thinking, can Stevie even sing?

19) Okay Stevie can sing. But Jewel doesn’t count. Get over your 90s singer songwriters, Stevie, he says, as he pops in more Mariah Carey. Mariah is different because she LASTED, Stevie. Unlike some Jewels we know.

20) Stevie contends the Jewel became a country artist, and she and Patrick bond over it, and David hates it when they do that.

21) David also loves it when they do that. He never consciously thinks about being glad that Patrick and Stevie are friends with each other, but nights getting drunk with the two of them are some of the best nights of his life, and he doesn’t realize it but it works because all three of them really, really like each other.

22) Sometimes Patrick gets chatty about how things are going with the play and at first David was super interested for drama and lulz and worry about Patrick Vs His Mother the 2019 showdown, but it is actually all sounding kind of normal so David is less interested. He loves to hear Patrick talk about it though, like how happy Patrick is and how interested he is in things and how there are characters David knows in his stories and sometimes David does in fact stop listening and curls up against him while Patrick is going on about something--frustrated about a dance move or excited about a line reading or what the fuck ever else Patrick gets excited about and it’s so, so nice, listening to Patrick talk and be excited and think David is listening.

23) We saw all the SECRET DANCE CHOREOGRAPHER stuff on the show but I will say that David’s worry about Patrick’s dancing ability has worn down into an amused resignation. Like Patrick is terrible and we all know that but he’ll try his little heart out and it will be fine; it will all be fine; even Alexis’s singing. Whatever happens David’s already decided he’ll pretend to enjoy it and probably will ACTUALLY enjoy it because it’s Patrick and it’s Stevie and it’s Mom and it’s Alexis and he’ll probably sit next to Dad and Dad will be proud, like Dad is always proud of Mom, no matter what she is doing, despite how far they have fallen. Dad never acts ashamed of Mom ever, and David is going to be a boyfriend like Dad.

24) The production is amazing and Patrick is hot and David doesn’t have to pretend. He does kinda wish he’d gotten Patrick to wear the sexy version of the costume, but fucking him in that makeup after the failed engagement announcement will have to do.

25) Much later David says something about Patrick’s dancing and Patrick teases him about it. So you liked it, Patrick goads, and David is annoyed and like, if you dance like you’re fucking me surrounded by gorgeous women of course I’m going to like it, and Patrick thinks this is so so so fucking funny. Like for days, he finds this funny, and David is very disgruntled.

#schitt's creek #david/patrick #Anonymous

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jdmainman123 · 2 years

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#Reportsuckonis loser sunrise listen up yacht fish here since you guys want to take my Jess Glen song I lived for you

No I'm not explaining the song so your little d****** son to follow me around saying she didn't write it live in the basement of boston? As soon as you left she published it? It's my fantasy I can live and cry if I want to

I'm on some other things okay all I am carried me through a real tough time? Take me home cares me through a very tough time? And it broke my heart to have to boycott her and my sunrise cuz you boys couldn't handle yourselves watching her dance on YouTube

Guess who showed up Moe yes she showed up and guess what she did she applied at Walmart for a temporary job and make me one of those strawberry cheese danish

Like I said losers I'm on to the next? Okay she's mine you know that? Yeah you guys you guys translated the song? It's all yours OH NO THEY NEVER GET OVER THE REDHEAD JESS GLYNNE I GUARANTEE YOU GO BACK TO MY SUNRISE AND THEY'RE STILL HAVING A LITTLE POSTERS ON OF HER ON THE WALL? I'VE SEEN THAT HOUSE IN THE IN THE SONG TWO DIFFERENT CITIES YOU CREATED THAT HOUSE WHERE SHE'S WALKING AWAY FROM THE HOUSE BURNING AND SAYING I HAD TO CHOOSE THE BROTHER THAT WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME HOME?

Why would you guys don't understand MO showed up and baked me a cheese danish? Just because she heard all you little boys are trying to steal my Jack's grandson? And you guys didn't even get the song where she's topless take me home was an epic integration and if you see the translation? I don't think you boys are going to get that song into your diarrhea and on your last 1% battery of your phone and it dies? The forces in the other room and then it has a nip slip

So Moe I'm bragging you know what I'm away from the house I don't have to listen to their b******* saying it's not your song? Moe showed up and she's from denmark? So she bake me a cheese danish? Oh no I got the wrong girl I called the wrong good daughter by the wrong name again? It's on the better in my head I thought Danish were from Denmark I got it completely wrong

Hey you assholes better wake up Jess Glen is above you guys did you hear the song she wrote me for Christmas to erase Mariah Carey from your covid you boys in 20 years are still going to be searching for girls outside to see the accent dent face Mariah Carey to every girl with curly hair and no you can't have ginger? She's all mine hahaha hahaha

You guys can have that I live For you song piece of s*** okay take me home as a lot better? Did you see the top of her chest? It looks just like her hair right? And I'm not talking about the p****

So she wrote me another song All I want For Christmas is you to erase that dirty stink that poop staying on a white dress on her wedding day? You boys are f***** the next thing you guys are going to hear and your sunrise is Mariah Carey Mariah Carey Mariah Carey

#Report anyways I looked it up I'm just writing a little disinformation for the boys to get back at home so they could be very pissed off at me tell them mo showed up and I looked it up Danish is Denmark as I anticipated I wasn't wrong and it's too far to go back and erase it I'm on my blah blah blah campaign so they kicked me off this paragraph thing and put me back on the Twitter and I can play hard to get and ignore what they want me to report

Unfortunately I don't think Dennis is in Germany? They are the worst white people the world has ever seen? I miss the white people of France I miss the white people of Norwegian I miss the white people of swedish? I've only been to one successful Nazi camp? And three different cities of snow they refused and denied Nazis into their city?

You're not telling me Denmark is German it's not not anymore? We're going to go ahead and call it chinese? Yeah that's all the Donald Trump tape talk about is Chinese and China Chinese and China Chinese and China so we're going with Denmark it's from China YEAH THEY MAKE WHITE HAIR GIRLS A LOT CHEAPER THEY SAID TWO CENTS ON A DOLLAR

Anyways Mo showed up and she baked me a cheese danish? I know you boys are jealous I know you boys are making your phone calls right now find out where he's at we want to fly in? I dare you I dare you boys to fly in where I'm at? Today is not your day I told every white skin man today is not your day I don't care if we're in Germany Hitler was a failure that's why we came out with the highlighters? Hitler is a f****** failure guys he had it all wrong you don't kill the black hair white skin boys you kill a bunch of white hair white skin boys you want to get your point across I told that s*** to his face

Success my a******

Most importantly I'm bragging boys you can keep that piece of s*** just Glenn song I live for you okay it's only good because she's dancing and that white hair baby was behind her singing? All I am had a blue hair baby in it yeah a blue hair baby

So I'm bragging my ass off that Mo showed up AND MAKE ME A CHEESE DANISH? I'M FROM I'M FROM DENMARK I'M FROM DENMARK I'M FROM DENMARK I'M FROM DENMARK YOU GUYS KNOW HER ACCENT I HOPE YOU BOYS DON'T HAVE EXCLUSIVE TO HER YOUTUBE FINISH FOOTAGE OF HER VIDEOS and you can keep Jess Glen she died in a pool of her own blood and desert city? It was an attack on me but I got over it I'm a grown ass man?

Just don't tell her I said it I have a feeling she still around here she still keeps on sending redheads around me to tell me that they're my White House White House briefing press secretary my White House press Secretary that's it sorry I'm integrated guys this satellite still grabbing my balls? Just to stick up for Las Vegas is dead daughter and say it was all about underwear that's a piece of s*** regime sending all their satellite makers black skin to my beach to attack me the next thing that happened they kidnap me and brought me to this city to say they kidnapped to any act satellite maker

SO YEAH BOYS CATS OUT THE BAG GLOVES ARE OFF? KILLED ANOTHER MAN NAMED JIMMY FOR ANDREA? REMEMBER THAT SONG MAMA JUST SHOT A MAN PUT A GUN TO HIS HEAD PULL THE TRIGGER AND NOW HE'S DEAD? THAT'S RIGHT I'M HAVING MORE REWRITE THE SONG AND DO AS MANY SEXY DANCE MOVES IN IT TO YOU BOYS DON'T GET IT ON YOUR SERVER AND I'M ONLY GOING TO PUBLISH IT HERE AND TELL HIM KEEP IT ON A LOCK

Yeah we the people choose Mo to rewrite all the m&m songs? We already selected Davina Michelle but Mike's family's dead his blood his family's blood is all over the city again for attacking me with some f****** bald head black man Tupac or toad YEAH WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS WATCHES JASON JERK OFF? WE'RE JUST CURIOUS

100% sure 100% I'm sure Davina Michelle is a transgender if I know this way this YouTube and socialism of sunrise works? They put one white hair girl on YouTube to sing all the songs? 100% sure she's a transgender if it's the only white hair girl on YouTube you guys watch 100% sure satellite makers not going to take another shot and miss another shot she's a transgender

Perfect call we the people choose Mo to rewrite everyone songs

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deadcactuswalking · 3 years

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The Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2020

Screw your introductions. It’s 2020, we haven’t got time for a pre-amble. This is the best list.

THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2020

For 2018 and 2017, I did four massive lists with at least 10 songs each discussed in depth for the end of the year. I’m proud of them and I stick by them but they’re tedious to write and read. You really need some kind of visual medium for them to work that well, at least in my style of year-end lists. Thankfully, there are hundreds of people doing just that so instead, I’m just going to take 10 songs I remember from the predicted year-end list and ramble about them in hopefully a more precise way. Let’s start with... oh, for f—

#10

“I Hope” – Gabby Barrett

Peak: #3

I don’t like country music, or really get country music. I’m British, I’m not supposed to, but as I do watch charts I see country music gaining increased prominence on the charts, in an era of streaming I didn’t think it could really cope with. I’m using SailorCharts’ predictions for the Billboard Year-End Hot 100; this is at #10, which is crazy to me. That’s probably thanks to that nonsensical Charlie Puth remix but let’s ignore that for the sake of my sanity. “I Hope” is vindictive, overly harsh and absolutely repulsive. It shows an uglier side to Gabby Barrett that you’d usually only be able to see if you look up her political views, but that’s what makes it so uniquely cathartic to me. This is a person who I disagree with heavily on a moral principle ripping off a middling Carrie Underwood track with blown-out, compressed and really gross production... but that’s 2020 for you. It’s hard to listen to with a straight face or without turning it off, but you have to endure it. You have to listen to this woman croakily belt her overlong chorus until the melody of that hook grounds itself into your mind, and you remember that climax point. “And then I hope she cheats”. Barrett isn’t destroying the guy’s sports car as a metaphor for her revenge fantasy like Underwood, she is just completely upfront about how much she wants this guy to be left emotionally distraught by this new relationship out of pure spite. Nothing represents the constant aggravation of 2020 finally releasing and expressing all of the fears and anger society has kept curled up until they were forced to isolate for the sake of common human respect and dignity, and the fact that people are adamant that they’ve had enough of oppression, inequality and the elite, than those squealing guitars in the second chorus and Barrett’s raspy delivery. This song is far from perfect – I’ve seen many argue it’s not good at all – but it feels necessary this year as an avenue for the public to vent their frustration. Now let’s do that with someone who isn’t a Trump supporter.

“The Bigger Picture” – Lil Baby

Peak: #3

Yeah, speaking of songs being necessary, I admire Lil Baby, a person with a platform who people, especially the youth, will listen to, for making a protest song like this. Regardless of how many rappers express their grievances about racial inequality and societal issues, the person with the biggest and most impactful voice will always matter the most to me. The most important issue Baby gets at here is that racism isn’t new or simple. It’s complex. It’s deep-seated. It’s systematic. It exists in the very way people function under their governments and how people live their lives and do business. Even me mentioning business is a sign of how capitalism undermines the struggle for the economy. Lil Baby speaks from his own experience in Atlanta and gets to the heart of real Black struggle in the United States, with the inherent fear and defiance that many young Black men have of the police and authority, regardless of background or criminal record (oftentimes non-existent, unlawful or directly targeted). Sure, he dips his toe into some centrist ideas, which I’m not a fan of, but they aren’t rooted in this “why can’t we all get along?” crap often spouted by those who don’t want to see social upheaval affect the money flow. It’s not just rich old white dudes either, look at Lil Pump, Lil Wayne and Kanye West, and how buddied up they got with Trump for their own desperate financial security and outright refusal, in many ways hypocritical, to help the working-class and the disadvantaged. They’re only disadvantaged because of the elite. It should not be an inherent birth right to be impoverished, but that’s how we live, and I admire Baby for attempting to make a change over the melancholy pianos and trap skitters. Oh, and yeah, he’s flowing and spitting over this. He’s not boring and overly pretentious. He’s engaging. He makes you want and need to listen to him because he, like many Black people in America and oppressed minority groups worldwide, has got something to say. We’ve got to start somewhere. Black lives matter. Now for some honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions

Let’s have a lighter tone, perhaps, for these next few entries, but first, let’s run through some honourable mentions, in no particular order other than where they are on the predicted Hot 100.

“Blinding Lights” – The Weeknd

This song has already been talked about to death, by about March, so I’d be doing a disservice to discuss it here.

“Don’t Start Now” – Dua Lipa

Same here. This is a weird list because whilst this would be in the top five if I had more to say about it, I don’t have much to say about it other than how it is a perfectly composed pop song. I want to discuss songs I actually care about on a level more than pure sonic enjoyment, so make of that what you will.

“ROCKSTAR” – DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch

Roddy Ricch should be absolutely treasured while he’s still here.

“Life is Good” – Drake and then Future

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about pop music in 2020 it is that Future, when he’s on, is an absolute monster. Anyway, more honourable mentions soon, and let’s hop back onto the list proper.

Screw it, it’s my list.

“All I Want for Christmas is You” – Mariah Carey

Peak: #1

At the start of this year in January, it felt like just another monotonous routine of a year that started exactly how it would end: with apathy about the world in ruins. This is true for most years but 2020 decided to spice it up a little with... you know... 2020, and all of its pandemics, riots and chaos. So, for just a short time, can I talk about a song that provides absolute joy to absolutely everyone? It peaked at #1 at Christmas in 2019, which was part of the 2020 chart year, and it’s on the predicted list, so it counts and it is an incredible song that reaches into the holiday festivities with manufactured cynicism, before plunging into that jolly bag of cash and producing the most organically happy Christmas song ever. The song is, by name, not even about Christmassy commercialism, and rejects it entirely, with how Carey croons beautifully about how she isn’t asking for gifts, snow or Santa Claus. It’s telling how a single about wanting personal connection every holiday season is the biggest Christmas song of all time instead of any of the other schlock that gets reissued and has a resurgence in this time of year. It helps that it is a gorgeous and intricately composed song with that mellow intro building up into the sleigh bells and pounding percussion carrying the wonderfully 90s strings. This is a timeless classic and I’m so glad it’s a Christmas standard, for what it stands for as well as it being just an amazing song that really only comes around every so often to be a bonafide smash hit everyone loves and appreciates... except maybe every retail worker since December 1994. Walmart is a cesspit anyway, I assume that bile can be chalked up to overplay and negative connotations, of which this song on its own in a vacuum, has absolutely none.

“We Paid” – Lil Baby and 42 Dugg

Peak: #10

How do I even...? I mean... just listen to the song. It clicks. I’d love to leave it there but I am obliged to ramble so... I find this song impossible to explain. I mean, it’s just “We Paid” by Lil Baby and 42 Dugg, an absolute anomaly. It’s barely a song, with a chorus unrecognisable from its verses, two nasal and uninteresting vocalists, flows I’ve heard before and clearly rushed, awkward bass mastering and mixing overall... yet it’s so, so addictive. It’s all about that intro for me, where it starts with a whistle and off-beat, complete nonsense producer tags and pre-verse rambling from 42 Dugg, before the bass kicks in and it just hits so hard. I couldn’t care less about any single line after “’Fore I go broke like Joc”, and I don’t have to. Both Dugg and Baby have stiff flows but are full of character that is so, so necessary over this menacing trap beat that survives only off of the melody so incredibly low in the mix I can’t tell what it’s even trying to be. Oh, and, while we’re here...

“24” – Money Man, remixed by Lil Baby

Peak: #49

This is good for a lot of the same reasons, and wasn’t even a hit. I just wanted to highlight this song for many of the same reasons I really love “We Paid”. It’s a complete nobody rapping robotically over a trap beat that bumps but only because of the cadence and charisma of the two rappers here... which is kind of non-existent in both songs. It relies on the flows, and they’re just kind of monotonous after each of the iconic opening lines. It’s also telling that this chorus acknowledges two Black men who have since become iconic in their fields and died within a month of each other, those being Kobe Bryant and Pop Smoke, may they rest in peace. It’s pretty tragic, actually, and adds a sense of depth to the braggadocious triumph these deflated singles attempt to convey. I am bemused by these songs and whilst you can try to fully understand popular music to the point of deep analysis and Genius annotations, the best music has a sense of mystery and intrigue, at least to me, and something about the whistle in “We Paid” and the vocoded guitar line in “24” makes these two tracks incredibly replayable. Also, you know, Lil Baby’s verse on “24” might be the verse of the year.

Honourable Mentions #2

The sequel is never as good as the original. Regardless, here are some more honourable mentions.

“WHATS POPPIN” – Jack Harlow, remixed by DaBaby, Tory Lanez and Lil Wayne

This guy is a bad omen. “I’mma spend this holiday locked in” is an eerie prediction of this dour year. Also DaBaby is awesome when he tries.

“Roses” – SAINt JHN, remixed by Imanbek

The original song is dreadful, I have no idea how this Kazakh house DJ pulled this remix off but it is a massive improvement from about every possible angle you could think of.

“10,000 Hours” – Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber

That’s well over a year, like that’s 416.7 days. These guys are devoted... and honestly kind of scary.

“Ballin’” – Mustard featuring Roddy Ricch

Chorus of the year.

“Blueberry Faygo” – Lil Mosey

This song is awful, absolutely reprehensible, with no redeeming factors and a clear lack of effort put into anything in the song itself... but at least it’s optimistic. At least it sounds happy and like a true Song of the Summer, and, oh, my God, we needed that this year.

“Lemonade” – Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver

Peak: #6

NAV is on my best list. NAV is on a year-end list. NAV has a #1 hit in the United Kingdom, Portugal and Greece. NAV, the Brown Boy himself, has one of the biggest hits of both 2020 and 2021, given that this isn’t caught between years, and I’m not complaining because this song is a riot. I did say that this list wasn’t based on pure sonic enjoyment but I’m going to throw that absolutely out the window for this one. If anything, “Blinding Lights” and “Don’t Start Now” aren’t on the list out of pure fatigue, because this song is just as incredible as it sounded on release, with that slick, watery acoustic guitar coating a light trap skitter and bouncy 808s. That’s a description I could use about most hip-hop this year, but “Lemonade” has this liquid-smooth quality to it and it is safe to say that NAV and Gunna fill up all of the space available in their container here, whatever that means. NAV, for once, co-opts a flow that sounds great from his whiny Canadian mumble, mostly because he takes Don Toliver’s flow from the chorus, and whilst he didn’t write this chorus, he absolutely sells it with his soulful crooning. This song is a hedonistic celebration of everything materialistic and meaningless, but it’s having fun doing it, and that is seldom seen in 2020’s trap efforts. Gunna’s flows here are playing with the beat in a way that is reminiscent of Young Thug but finally in a way that sounds uniquely interesting and fitting for Gunna, and not just straining his limited vocals out to testing out a flow that clearly doesn’t fit the guy, or settling for something a lot less engaging. Man, out of all people to be praising this year, I did not expect it to be Lil Baby, NAV and Gunna... back to back, several times. Let’s get back to people I did expect to be gushing about by the end of the year.

“everything i wanted” – Billie Eilish

Peak: #8

Much like “The Bigger Picture”, this song made the list out of necessity, mostly in its lyrics. I would be absolutely selling this year short to not include one of the most thought-provoking young women in pop music on a list like this, and thankfully, she wrote a gorgeous song that I can discuss here. Firstly, the sound of this song is brilliantly subtle and intimate, with panning keys, light-weight clapping percussion and such little focus on everything surrounding Eilish’s soft, dead-pan cooing multi-tracked to add that extra depth and convincing delivery to the lyrical content, which we’ll discuss later. It’s not that this makes the song sound unfinished or lazy, or even uninteresting, because it has that degree of elevation that is necessary for a lyrically focused song like this, with the second verse starting off with just the muted 808s emphasising that intimacy that Eilish attempts to convey through the lyrics, which are mostly an ode to her and her brother’s especially close relationship. Eilish details her depression and even nightmares, relating to a lot of her music’s themes surrounding sleep paralysis and the very concept of dreaming. That first verse is heavy in content, and honestly distressing to even write about here, but it can be summarised in this: Eilish had a dream where she committed suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge, which is a common location for these types of deaths, adding that unnerving realism to the verse. The verse may be about betrayal but you could interpret it and much of her music as a response to the press and the media, which seems to flip on how they portray and criticise her, which has been increasingly obvious this year. That makes the idea of no-one, not even her fandom and those keeping the most attention and eyes on her, caring about her suicide even more damaging and raising the stakes to something that doesn’t feel like meaningless teenage angst or even just dropping off emotional baggage. The song is, in many ways, a love song to the only person she thinks would care: her brother, FINNEAS, with the chorus reciting his words of wisdom and reassurance to Eilish as she struggles with suicidal thoughts. The verses may be a specific and detailed level of insight into her psyche, but the chorus, with its wider scope and lesser detail, doesn’t come off as unrealised. Rather, it appears motivational, to both Eilish and the audience, but with the following verse and final leg of the chorus making it incredibly clear that words mean nothing without an action to follow it up or back up what has been said. Motivation doesn’t mean a quote on a wallpaper or Genius lyrics page. It’s about the willpower and the inspiration to change the way you think about yourself and make self-improvements to battle these demons, even when it seems impossible, and if it does seem impossible, there’s always your close support bubble that can reassure you and bring you back down to Earth when it all feels so unreal and that you can’t handle it.

Ee-ooh.

“The Box” – Roddy Ricch

Peak: #1

It’s tough to go into extreme depth about the personal impact a hit song has had on your mental health and what this means for the audience of said artist, and then completely dismiss it for another wacky Young Thug clone, but I did it before – in this very list twice already – and I’ll do it again, God damn it. “The Box” is pure chaos. It starts with this triumphant brass section that sounds dusty and classic, but then you immediately hear that damned “ee-ooh” sound, barely on beat and barely holding a note. It sounds like a poor falsetto imitation of a door creaking, and it is perfect. It’s just such an engaging hook, as if the actual hooks and choruses weren’t engaging and interesting enough. There’s so many intricacies to Roddy Ricch’s performance here and his array of flows are put on display excellently over this menacing beat with that reversed 808 that sets this apart from any other trap beat, especially with the eerie keys and especially with Roddy Ricch, who delivers possibly the best performance on this list second to my #1. The song starts with that mighty, iconic hook and even with that, Roddy rejects his flow before the measure is even up, outright refusing to continue and stalling with a muted “mm” sound. The lyrics aren’t cryptic by any means but it’s not like they’re all that simple, forming some kind of trap-rap word association all about “the box”, which could really mean anything at this point. He goes for a whiny elongated ending to each line in the second part of the chorus before switching sides to elongating the middle of the line in contrast to him spitting the last few words in rapid succession with a carefree cadence that’s almost inspiringly smooth. His verses are littered with charisma and hilarious ad-libs, and that’s before he goes into that falsetto for the second half of the first verse, with a simple but joyously stiff delivery, that makes his voice get closer to cracking with every syllable. Then we have the second verse, where the dude even laughs on beat and makes it sound great. The yelping in the second verse is endearing and amazing, with the way the beat cuts off for him to belt “BITCH, DON’T WEAR NO SHOES IN MY HOUSE!” at the top of his lungs like a misogynist toddler absolutely completing the song for me, and how the beat comes in afterwards is just perfect. It’s hard to explain this song without listening to it, again, but one listen of these flows and how he plays around with the beat like a kids’ toy is enough to understand truly why this song is one of the best of this year, and that Roddy Ricch is an absolute treasure.

I’m a 2020 presidential candidate / I done put a hundred bands on Zimmerman

This might be the best lyric on this list by the way. Speaking of ridiculous trap bangers with quotable lyrics and incredible flows...

“Heartless” – The Weeknd

Peak: #1

How did both of these songs hit #1? Sure, they’re trendy, they’re catchy and they’re by popular artists, but there’s something about these songs that feels so chaotic and messy, yet so grounded in reality despite how loony these guys and their performances are, including the lyrics. For “The Box”, you have 30 Roc’s pounding trap beat to make sure Roddy doesn’t completely go off the walls, and for “Heartless”, well, the same is true, but replace 30 Roc for the absolute legend of modern hip-hop production that is Metro Boomin. The intro going into the first verse is one of the highlights of pop music this year. I love how it leads you in with the mystery of the coating of reverb-drenched synths, all of which sound oddly alien, before revealing the layer of the trap beat and furthering the mystery via The Weeknd’s whispering “sheesh” ad-libs. Then, when that first verse hits, all subtlety is dismissed as excessive and unnecessary, even with that first cocky opening line, but especially when the heavy 808 bass continues to crash multiple on each bar surrounded by air horns and Abel’s never-ending luxury porn. This song is an ode to self-aware, reckless and absolutely self-indulgent materialism, highlighting its effect on not only how Abel copes (most notably with the amphetamines making his “stummy” feel “sickly”) but also on who surrounds him, particularly his inability to settle down and find a partner, and how frustrated he is with this, which is especially true in the chorus, before he puts on the disguise once again for the verses, in which he spits a list of endless excessiveness in his bars carrying as much swagger as he usually does. This song in all its maximalist production is oddly minimal in how it presents the raw psyche of the character of the Weeknd and his drug-addled mindset that couldn’t care less about the effect he has on his friends, family, women, himself or even society, as long as he has a good time... but it’s increasingly clear that he knows the impact this life style has and he understand that it makes him “heartless”, but only because that’s what he decides is directly affecting him and of course, Abel has always made sure that the character of the Weeknd is as selfish and self-obsessive as possible. It helps that this isn’t a moaning and moody piece of self-indulgent boring trap slop. It isn’t conveying a message through music that can’t represent it, it’s effectively pulling off its narrative through the whole sonic package, and you know what helps even more? It’s fun, and it’s funny, and the revealing bridge where Abel looks back at his past relationships and how this life style is a response to the damage and pain inflicted on him by said relationships, comes as a genuine shock because just seconds earlier, the guy said this:

So much pussy, it be fallin’ out the pocket

What an incredibly thought-out song, and definitely one deserving of a couple GRAMMY Awards in whatever category those racist out-of-touch elitist executives decide to retroactively slot the Weeknd into when the backlash becomes too much. With that said, here are some more honourable mentions.

Honourable Mentions #3

Now in IMAX 3-D!

“Break My Heart” – Dua Lipa

INXS are fuming.

“Good as Hell” – Lizzo

This is beautifully composed and genuinely motivating, and Lizzo has so much charisma but in 2020, I do not feel “good as hell” enough to justify this being on the list. Hey, what can I say? Truth hurts.

“Truth Hurts” – Lizzo

That failed gag was about as on-the-nose as this song itself, but Lizzo totally embraces that.

“For the Night” – Pop Smoke featuring DaBaby and Lil Baby

“Wishing Well” – Juice WRLD

I’m not a fan of these songs in particular but it would be awful of me to not include these two artists on the lists, even if it’s tragic that it has to be posthumously. Both were gone way too soon, and way too close together for it to feel anything more than distressing and really depressing. Sure, they represent two completely different issues rappers face, but the fact that the two biggest hip-hop artists of 2020 are both gone and not able to see this immense success is just a tough, bitter pill to shallow. Rest in peace to both of these men and I hope out of respect for their legacy, and out of apathy for how the record labels milk both of these audiences, that I won’t need to talk about them in the years ahead.

I have just discussed a lot of important songs with meaningful concepts, deep lyrics and insight, sonically innovative instrumentals and genuine emotional trauma as the background for their creation... but when I discuss my #2 as well as my #1, I need you to keep in mind this question: what is the purpose of pop music?

#2 – “RITMO (Bad Boys for Life)” – The Black Eyed Peas and J Balvin

Peak: #26

Popular music and especially the charts should always be taken with a grain of salt. Art doesn’t necessarily mean anything without meaning appropriated to it, and that meaning has a bunch of baggage that correlates to the lyrical meaning and contextual history behind whatever is being analysed and what is being criticised or praised. The Billboard Hot 100 is a glorified stat pad, as many have pointed out, and there are flaws in the system that don’t even make it a perfectly accurate set of data. This isn’t to undermine popular music and its impact. I’m not saying Elvis Presley and his ludicrous amount of weeks at #1 is to be scoffed at, or that Michael Jackson’s Thriller is an inconsequential piece of music that shouldn’t be remembered as fondly and as often as it is. These albums and artists had a genuine effect on culture, and the society that follows it, especially in the United States’ desperate attempts at gathering an “American” culture to cope with their extreme levels of regional, ethnic and economic diversity and disparity. Neither my #2 nor #1 pick reflect that at all. In fact, “RITMO” is a laughably bad song, but to call it a song implies there is art here, when in reality this is a pure product made for a soundtrack to a mildly successful Will Smith movie, made as a cash-grab by a fading producer-rapper and a tacked-on genuine mega-star who was offered millions of pesos to rap on this dated, lazy house-adjacent reggaeton beat. This isn’t just a product, it’s packaged and not with limited edition decoration, just typical, disposable plastic that’s harmful for the environment. I’m not doing a worst list this year because I want to celebrate what remnants of fun we had in 2020, and it’s telling that a lot of these songs are from 2019 or earlier in the year, and feel like separate landscapes even. Do you seriously remember “RITMO” in any capacity? Or even the movie that it was made for? It’s almost outstanding that a song that samples a band called Corona can be so oddly tone-deaf to the current situation, and not even one of the pandemic, but one of social progression and worldwide oppression that this song ignores to sell a product... but ignorance is bliss.

It’s misleading to say that 2020 started off awful in March. That would just be blatantly untrue. Hell, the virus was discovered in Wuhan in December and made its way to Europe and the United States by the time late January rolled around, and even by then the US had killed important Iranian military secretary and one of their national heroes Qasem Soleimani ostensibly on grounds of “terrorism” for the sake of a power play and risking a potential world conflict. Diplomatic incidents don’t just happen, they have reasoning and they have a background. Not even in popular music do things just happen, they follow a trend or a burgeoning genre, and if they don’t, they are pioneers of a trend that follows to varying success. You can see this in 2019 producing the biggest hit of all time with “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X, which felt like a sudden insurgency of this random country-rap pop song by a complete nobody becoming suddenly one of the most important cultural milestones in the country’s history. It’s less of a sudden event and rather an exemplification of things that were happening over time, like the dominance of streaming, conglomerates manipulating what was believed to be organic digital and social media to benefit them and the elite, the increasing saturation of white men in the country genre that has yet to improve from his bro-country years, the racism that runs rancid in the South as Republicans steer closer to extremism and anyone who can challenge them decides to clear their way to the centre or is oppressed and ignored by the government that can continue silencing them. You may say that it’s not that deep but if you talk about popular music, you absolutely have to consider its wider impact. With all that said, sometimes it’s better to live in the moment.

“Hot” – Young Thug featuring Gunna

Peak: #11

Maybe it’s bizarre for me to dismiss everything I said about the cultural impact of popular music and its existence as a product for the big three record labels as well as a milestone for culture and the audience that consumes it, just so I can put my favourite hit song at the top of the list. I would completely agree with you, and I wasn’t planning really to put this song so high until it immediately clicked in a contrast with “RITMO”. “RITMO” isn’t self-aware of its existence as purely a product and nothing else, but it’s not like that fact is hidden from you when you listen to the track. It is pure ignorance of the wider world and pure ignorance of anything that is actually and genuinely important to people across the States and across the world, but not in a way that can move people and become important. Sure, the song is fun and catchy and actually a pretty damn great song, that is why it’s so high on this list, but it’s more to represent how heavily these songs juxtapose each other. “Hot” is in equal proportions a promotion of commercialism and materialism, much like “Heartless”, but without any of the emo-adjacent moaning about fame and without any of the self-awareness... which may seem like “Hot” misses the point but it absolutely does not. “Hot” is the absolute peak of the trap genre. It’s not conceptually important, but it is a song that means the most to me in this particular period and in this particular year. The song is an album cut from 2019 that is only big because of a Travis Scott remix and SpongeBob memes, so it sets itself up to be perfectly detached from 2020, even before you hear those triumphant horns from Wheezy and the trap percussion that bumps harder than anything else on this list or in Thug’s discography. That immediate release of energy coated in smoky, whispery ad-libs isn’t what makes this song important, though, it’s the subtle build-up of Gunna’s simple, direct but menacing flow that feels like he is directly talking to you and almost wagging his finger at you whilst doing so. It’s just Gunna appreciating and absorbing the peak of hedonism in a cohesive and monotone Auto-Tuned flow. Just like the years of the Trump administration and prior, it creates a routine and a pattern that despite how outrageous it may seem, gets you used to believing what is expressed and revealed, which is often completely petty and ridiculous nonsense, just like Gunna’s bars here. Then Young Thug comes in. The aura of mystery surrounding his reverb-drenched mumbling in the bridge intrigues you and pulls you in, taking you out of the Gunna-infused hypnosis and dragging you face-first into starstruck astonishment. The song finally releases in full-blown explosive trap-rap fashion with one simple meaningless phrase: “I took the Bentley coupe back then I hopped in a Cayenne”, followed by that energetic screeching ad-lib that book-ends nearly every bar here. Finally, there’s liberation. Sure, this is hyperbolic, and I’m not trying to make some insanely pro-Biden political statement here, but it feels significant to me that this is one of the biggest hits of one of the most historically essential years in recent history, even if it didn’t make much initial impact. Thugger switches from sing-songy melodies to repetitively imitating a machine-gun in a guttural yell, and it feels natural. It feels chaotic and that there is very little focus, but that’s because there is. He is completely ignorant of anything surrounding him and indulges in his own self-aggrandisement with rapid but smooth flows in his signature yelping delivery. The lyrics are frankly meaningless and irrelevant listing of luxury brands and cars, but that’s because Thugger couldn’t care less about the wider world or what surrounds him or even the impact he himself has on society or culture. It’s not like that means the song can only be appreciated in a vacuum because it creates that vacuum for itself, and by using that one manic Thugger verse – the best verse I heard in 2019 and one of the best verses to ever hit streaming services on pure energy and delivery alone – allows itself to release and indulge in the little things, the petty fantasies, those precious albeit unimportant elements of life that add up to form some kind of self-satisfaction and dare I say in 2020, happiness, and before you can even truly appreciate that...

Turn the whole top floor to a whorehouse / Hundred racks in ones, dude bought the flood out

...it’s taken away from you once again, and you have to scour your way through a fading trap beat without any of the additional touches that made it so great in Thugger’s verse, without the playful flutes, and most importantly, without the fun. You’re left there with what remains of Wheezy’s composition after it was ravaged by Thug and with only the same whispery, barely audible repetitions that started the song off, and you realise that whilst the release may feel great and liberating while it’s there, until you break the routine and bring about change, your happiness and your freedom is meaningless and any attempt to replicate that same feeling is futile. So to answer that question, the purpose of pop music is to reflect on how culture and society develops, evolves and adapts with what it’s faced with, but ultimately, to us as people and consumers, music serves as a fleeting moment of joy, self-expression and most importantly, a release of what has to be bottled up and silenced in the everyday routine of life, because of powers outside of our control. Farewell, 2020, and good fucking riddance.

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mylivejournalsucks · 7 years

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College.

When i was Internet f****s briefly in my twenties, I got invited to speak at a bunch of colleges. And by “speak” I mean I was there to dole out advice to the students, make them lol, and eventually get drunk with them at an all-expenses paid dinner. As it turns out, colleges have lots of money allocated for speakers and whenever they’d ask me what my rate was, I’d be like, “????” I was so fucking clueless. I didn’t have an agent. The fact that these colleges were flying me out and offering to put me up in a three-star hotel made me feel Mariah Carey-level glamorous. I didn’t need any extra money! (JK, I asked for $500.)

Some of the schools were local, like Pace and FIT and Princeton. I found Princeton to be the darkest and also the chicest which…isn’t it always that way? The school had these things called dining clubs, which basically acted in the same way a fraternity or sorority would. You’d “rush” them and PRAY for an invite to the most exclusive club. And you guys? This just determined who you ate dinner with every night. It was like a non-negotiable high school cafeteria! Can you IMAGINE a more miserable scenario?!

I took the train in from the city and they put me up in this gorgeous house on campus that was reserved for their speakers. GORE VIDAL stayed there, you know? And then me, a dumb-dumb who wrote listicles about your crush texting you back. Anyways…. the people who asked me to speak ran the radio station. Princeton students are mostly preppy Patrick Bateman psychos but there were like five hipsters there who listened to Fleet Foxes and of course they were the ones who brought me.

After my talk, we went to the radio station and I watched them get wasted. I drank too, of course. Someone fed me an artisanal jello shot they had made in their dorm room. D.I.Y meets D.U.I., honey!

Most of the students confessed to me that they wanted to do something creative for a living but were stuck studying something practical like accounting or business. I had such a fondness for them. At 25, I was only a couple years older but there is NOTHING like the bubble of college. You don’t realize how small your world really is until you’re in The Real World and watching a girl in a headband drink a handle of Smirnoff vodka in an on-campus radio station while talking to you about how much she hates her stats class and how she doesn’t know if she’ll EVER get to lead the life she wants. I envied that naivete, as I was already a j-j-jaded BITCH.

Next, I flew to the University of Vermont. If Princeton was oppressive and tough, Vermont, was an organic farm-to-table cloud of relaxed whatever. I loved it. My host took me on a tour of their gorgeousssss campus and after my talk, a whole bunch of us went out for the most delicious meal I’ve ever had in my life and then we may have went to a bar afterwards. It’s hard to remember the specifics of these visits but I can recall the feelings and they mostly were, “How did I get here? Do these people realize I have a drug problem and, like, four friends in New York and that my career is my boyfriend?”

It was true. My career was chic but my personal life was barely breathing by Duncan Sheik. Work kept me going, though. To have ambition, a drive, and goals, especially when a guy hadn’t touched my dick in three years and some of my friends were sociopaths with nice haircuts, it saved me.

Next, I went to Yale with the Thought Catalog crew: Brandon Gorrell, Stephanie Georgopulos and Gaby Dunn. We were there to talk about….sex? It was sex week? I don’t know, babe. It doesn’t matter because five people showed up and we were just like, “Do you want to go out for pizza?” So we did. I ADORED the girl who brought us to Yale. Her name was something chic like Demetria and she was from LA and her brain just had a nice, fizzy, snap crackle pop quality to it.

We went to the “after party” for our event and this boy in purple pants was circling me. The biggest mindfuck about this time in my life was having these fanboys who wanted to hook up with me, while I was literally invisible to strangers in New York. I was operating as either Ryan Gosling or Danny DeVito circa the Penguin mixed with Shrek and a splash of John C. Reily.

Anyway, this guy finally comes up to me and, boy oh boy, is he cute. He looks like he was made in a twink factory! We start talking—about what, who the fuck knows—before hightailing it to a gay bar. After a few drinks, I tell him I’m going to leave because my self-esteem is so low it’s basically underground. He kisses me right then and there because he’s young and cute and isn’t held back by anything.

We go back to his dorm room. He strips down to his underwear with such ease it stuns me. I’m three years older than him and it would take me two days, ten glasses of wine, a pitch black room and a NDA for me to have the courage to take off my shirt.

“Whoa, whoa,” I yell. “Um, I think we’re going too fast!”

Twinkle looks at me confused. “I’m just undressing before I get into bed. I can’t even hook up tonight. I’m going to DC early in the morning…”

Oh. Sigh of relief.

Are you confused by my attitude shift here? That makes two of us, hon. All I ever craved in my early twenties was sex and connection but the second they were offered to me, my bones would turn to crushed ice and I’d run away screaming.

“Can we cuddle though?” he asked.

“Sure.”

So we did. We cuddled. We made out. I grabbed his ass underneath his boxers and it felt perfect and tight. Then:

“Okay! Goodnight!” Twinkle turned off his light and continued to spoon me. Meanwhile, I lay there in the dark, terrified, wanting to leave, planning an exit strategy.

The hardest part about being that age was not understanding my psychology. My brain was like this unknowable freak on a leash. It was a saboteur who wanted to see me end up alone and I was five years, one disability confession, and 10,000 hours of therapy away from figuring out why.

Sitting there in the dark, getting spooned by a boy who found the whole thing to be so….uncomplicated, so easy, breezy, so natural, magnified my feelings of defectiveness. He probably did this all the time! He probably took boys home, fucked them, promptly fell asleep, and then walked them to their dorm room the next morning and kissed them goodbye.

How?

How do people do these things like they’re NBD? How are they not compelled to run away to Netflix and pizza and drugs? Don’t they know that it’s easier?

The reality was that it wasn’t easier. Keeping yourself alone is a full-time job everyone wishes they could get fired from.

“I have to go,” I said. Fantasies of me being back in my hotel room alone and not having to make small talk with a stranger in the morning were slow dancing in my head.

Twinkle jolted awake, already dozing off because, again, IT WAS THAT EASY FOR HIM!

“Huh? No. Just stay here. I’ll walk you back in the morning.”

“Nope. My train leaves early in the morning. It just makes more sense to leave now.”

He outlined a very logical argument where, actually, it made sense for me to stay at his place. ( Fucking Yale kids.) But this was not logical. This was pure nutso emotion. And I was going to leave.

When I did, I’ll never forget how this boy looked at me. It was just total confusion. I wanted to be like, “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s just my evil brain holding me hostage again. XOXO?”

A few months later, I ran into him at a gay bar in New York. He came on to me and I was so embarrassed about what happened at Yale, so embarrassed that he may have seen just how unhinged I really was, that I shut down any possibility of a sequel.

There were other boys like him. Boys who gave me opportunities to experience something real and human, but my brain put up a Closed sign and kicked them out. Then, eventually people stopped trying.

These college visits highlighted just how all over the place I was. Getting flown to different places because people thought I had something worthwhile to say, had some kind of wisdom to impart when, in reality, I couldn’t do something as simple as spend a whole night at someone’s apartment.

The thing is, I really did believe everything I wrote, I really did believe I had something to say. Whether that was true or not seemed irrelevant because I knew that if I ever stopped writing, if I ever stopped turning to my work to make sense of my stupid rat poison brain, I would have nothing.

So I kept going. I kept writing my way out of the shame cave until eventually I was mostly out of it. It all sounds very self-helpless but it’s true! So keep being honest. Never shut up. If you’re president of the “I Hate Myself” club speak so loud you’re forced to resign. Your words and your work will never hurt you. THEY ARE YOUR FRONDS. Turn to them for guidance and help.

Also, be truthful about your life. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: once you own everything, no one can take anything away from you.

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tiatexadafannetwork · 6 years

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Steppin' Out Magazine Interview

Interview by Chauncé Hayden

Stunning actress, Tia Texada currently stars as 'Sgt. Maritza Cruz' on NBC's "Third Watch", now going into its fifth season this fall. The popular weekly series is coming off it's highest rated season thus far and Texada is a big reason why.

Best known for her work in the indie film world Texada recently played 'Dorrie' in "13 Conversations About One Thing", opposite John Turturro, Matthew McConaughey, and Amy Irving. Texada will next be seen as "Jackie Black" in David Mamet's, "Spartan" opposite William H. Macy, Val Kilmer, and Derek Luke.

Other film credits include "Nurse Betty," playing Renee Zellweger's feisty roommate, Joel Schumacher's "Phone Booth," Antoine Fuqua's "Bait," Eriq La Salle's "Crazy As Hell" and Mariah Carey's "Glitter."

Besides film work Tia's television credits include a recurring role on HBO's "Mind of a Married Man" playing 'Lane', the roommate who likes to dance on countertops, and guest starring roles on "ER", "NYPD Blue", and "Brooklyn South."

Tia is originally from Bayou, Louisiana. Her career began when, as a child, she lent her voice to children's dance records, jingles and cartoons. Since then her singing voice has been heard in the films "Paulie" and "Welcome to the Neighborhood," as well as the television shows, "Dawson's Creek" and "The Wild Thornberries". Tia is also a dancer appearing in videos for Brazilian artist, Alexandre and South America's, Iviano. Stage credits include "Twist of Fate" and "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at the Globe Theatre.

I recently had the chance to talk to Tia Texada about her popular role on "Third Watch," her interest in voodoo and her eternal connection to a film she'd like to forget.

"Third Watch" is doing great, and your character, Sgt. Maritza Cruz, is compelling to watch. I guess things are good.

I'm having such a wonderful time! The guy who plays my partner is one of my good friends, and so every day is a like a fun joke.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Sgt. Cruz isn't very likeable.

No, she's not. But of course, because I play her, I think she's wonderful! (Laughs) I shouldn't say it like that. When you play a character, you have to believe them and like them. Because you have to find the rationale behind that person.

Sgt. Cruz is tough and not very likeable on the series. But if Sgt. Cruz was a guy, do you think peoples' perceptions would be completely different?

Oh, I totally agree! For me, it's just an amazing opportunity to play somebody so strong. But what I like about Sgt. Cruz is that she's not just strong, she's also very layered. She's not just one note. You see all her colors, like when her sister died. A lot has happened to her during the course of last season. This new season is going to be very interesting.

How would you describe Sgt. Cruz?

She's of course very strong. She also finds in people feelings that normally other people wouldn't. When I play her, that's what I feel. She will look at one thing and it will affect her forever. That's what I find intriguing about her. She doesn't let things go, and yet she's strong willed. Some might call Sgt. Cruz a bitch. She's just strong-willed and she doesn't take crap.

How much of Sgt. Cruz is inside of you personally?

Not much! It's a huge character stretch for me! It's so funny; I'm probably one of the jokesters on the set. I'm always dancing around between takes. I'm very, very different than my character. It's very strange, because people will come up to me on the street and say, "I hate you!"

Seriously? People actually come up to you and say that they hate you?

Well, it's different with the guys. I have guys come up to me and say, "Sgt. Cruz, you can arrest me anytime!" I get that almost every day. I travel back and forth from L.A. to New York a lot, and on the airplane I meet so many guys who are turned on by Sgt. Cruz and they really think that I'm her!

Don't you know that all guys love dominant women in a police uniform? It's our own little sick fantasy.

(Laughs) It must be! I'm shocked every time it happens.

But it's different with the women?

The women don't like that my character has been with Bosco because the women love Bosco. So women get mad at me because I seduced him and I'm his boss and I'm such a bitch.

How does it feel to conjure up those kinds of responses in people?

It's fun because the way I look at it, is that when you're really playing your character true, people will really believe what they're watching. It's so funny, because my family always laughs when they see the show because I'm so opposite from Sgt. Cruz. In fact, the show is hard for my parents to watch sometimes because I'm so much not like that. It's just not me.

Would you rather play characters that are opposite from you?

It's interesting, because most of the characters I've played throughout my career have been totally opposite from me. I don't think I've ever played a character who's even close to how I really am.

I'm amazed by the work you've done during your career. First of all, I'm a big fan of the cartoon "The Wild Thornberrys." So I was surprised to see that you were a voice on the show.

Isn't that a great cartoon? It's so wonderful because it's both interesting to watch and at the same time it's educational. You learn so much in every episode. All the characters on that show are so wonderful.

How many episodes of "The Wild Thornberrys" did you do?

I did three episodes where I played the voice of Peruvian llama named "Santusa." I don't know if you saw the episodes, but the family is in Peru and the llama takes the little girl on an exhibition. It's just so cute! So many kids know that character, so I'm always signing autographs for my friends' kids because they love that show. Personally, I have a crush on the older daughter, even if she is animated. Isn't she adorable!

Be honest, isn't voice-over work on cartoons the easiest gig in Hollywood?

I think all it really takes is a unique sound to your voice, or if you can do a lot of different characters. I can do little kids' voices, and also very seductive voices as well. It comes naturally to someone like myself who's a goof off! (Laughs)

Have you ever worked as a phone sex girl?

(Laughs) You know what's funny? I do kind of have a sexy voice message on my phone, so when people call they always tell me I should be in that business! So, hey, if "Third Watch" ever goes off the air, I have myself another career!

You started out as a singer, and even performed at The Lilith Fair. Are you a singer who needs to act to pay the rent, or an actor who just likes to sing?

I've always been acting and singing and dancing since I was a little girl. But I started to write some songs for some friends, and Sarah McLaughlin heard me and invited me to sing at The Lilith Fair. I was actually offered a record contract. But at the same time I was offered a record contract, I got the film "Nurse Betty." So I had to choose.

How hard of a choice was it?

It was really tough. The music was something that I really wanted to do, but this was a great part and I had been waiting for a big break in a film. I just couldn't turn the role down. So I put my music career on hold and haven't stopped working as an actress ever since.

Can't you pursue both a music and an acting career?

You can, but it's very difficult if you want to do it right. I'm a very focused person, and so it's hard for me to do 15 things at once. But I still write songs and even after I did the film "Nurse Betty" I continued to write songs, and even wrote and sang a song that played on "Dawson's Creek." I really enjoy writing songs for particular scenes in films. Also, now that I live in New York, I would like to perform in some clubs and get into some cabaret and theatre. So it's still there. I wouldn't say that my music career didn't go well, I just haven't focused on it.

But which career would you prefer to be successful at if you had the choice?

(Pause) I'm not afraid to say that I'm kind of used to hiding behind characters. When you sing, you have to be yourself, but I think I like being a character better.

Don't you like yourself?

That's not it at all. There's a part of me that's really shy. Only my friends and family see the real me. Only my friends and family see the goofball that I really am. I like to save that part of me for myself. So when I sing, it's hard for me to be myself out there. Does that make sense?

Yes, I totally understand what you're saying. So what's a nice girl like you doing in a crappy town like Hollywood anyway?

It's very difficult. I won't deny it. It's very difficult, and I have my moments when I don't feel in control of it. But I love what I do. I love the art of it. I love the entertainment part of it. But I don't like the business side. But to have the creative and artistic, fairytale side of acting, you have to be able to deal with the other side, and it's not easy. I try to balance it, but I'm not going to lie. It's very, very difficult. I've been through my moments where I've taken breaks. There have been times when I've said, "I'm going to Mexico! I'm out of here!" And I'll go off for three weeks. My brother is the one that makes me escape it all and realize what it's all about. It really took my brother to help me realize that, because you really can get caught up in it. I'm sure you know yourself. You're in the business and you meet all these famous people.

That's why I wonder how a nice person like you deals with the horrors of Hollywood.

I can understand how you would say that, because my family is the same way. But I just make my job like a playtime. Just like I did when I was a little girl. When I go to the set, I'm at my most vulnerable and creative. That's what I love. I just hate dealing with contracts and trying to get my name out there.

You've starred with so many "A" list actors, including Colin Farrell. I have to ask you, what is the deal with his eyebrows? Don't they freak you out?

(Laughs) You know what it is about him? I'll tell you! He is so charming. He really is.

Come on, you just love the accent.

I don't even think it's that. To me it's all about the energy of a person, and the accent has nothing to do with that. I think it's just that he has a really strong, piercing energy. He's very charismatic. It's like what they say about President Clinton, he makes you feel like you're the only important person in the room at that moment. Colin makes every woman feel like that. He makes every woman feel like the dream of his life! He's the biggest flirt. It's so funny, he would flirt with me, and then I would turn around and he's flirting with five other women at the same time!

Did that upset you?

No! There's nothing wrong with that, if that's what he wants to do. He's having fun and enjoying his life. I think he's adorable. But I think a lot of different men are adorable for different reasons. My type isn't normally the norm.

What's your type?

I like somebody who has a sense of adventure inside. Whether it be with just simple things like a conversation or exploring beautiful things in life or going to find the best gardens in New York. The kind of person you can work with for six hours and you're fine with it!

Do you date only actors?

I date actors only because that's who I tend to meet. But I prefer my future guy not be an actor, or just know enough about it so he can understand me. I just need to be with a person who always wants to learn something and have that adventurous spirit, because that's how I am. Every day I wake up I think, "Oh my God, there's so much I want to learn today!" There's so many books I want to read and so many poems I want to read and so many dances I want to learn and ...

Damn, you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

I guess I just can't see how anyone can ever say, "I'm bored."

You're wearing me out just listening to you.

I'm just passionate. I just like to have fun and enjoy life!

Do you think you get that excitement from life from being born in New Orleans? It seems to be Mardi Gras 24/7 for you.

Yes! I was born in the Bayou with the water in the background, where everybody is barefoot and dancing.

Sounds like a scene out of "Angel Heart." Are you into that Bayou voodoo?

I know! That's what everybody says. You can look at voodoo in many ways. You can say that voodoo is bad, but it doesn't always mean bad. There are some wonderful people who have some magical spirits within them and use it only for good.

So you are into voodoo, aren't you!

(Laughs) No! I'm not into anything of a bad nature. I'm only into the voodoo of passion and love. The cool side of it.

But voodoo nonetheless.

My mom is able to tell what's going to happen in her dreams, and I know a lot of people who have a magical spirit, but personally I would never wish bad upon anybody or wish any kind of harm on anybody because they did something to me.

But you could.

I do have some access to that world if I need it, Chaunce! I got some connections and my mom sends me voodoo love dolls all the time!

Let's change the subject. Let's talk about the Mariah Carey film "Glitter." What the hell were you thinking when you signed on for it?

Here's the thing. I had just finished making "Nurse Betty" and it hadn't come out yet. So I was waiting for my next film role. Nobody knew my work yet, so I had to audition and audition for that part in "Glitter." I actually worked hard for that part! That's what is so funny about it. I was actually excited. I loved Mariah Carey's voice and I thought this was going to be a great project. Plus, I was going to get to show off my dancing. What a great opportunity, I thought.

So rationally, you thought the film has to be a hit.

You would think! But let me just tell you, it was a disaster from the time I got there. It was just horrible. I wanted to quit, but I couldn't because when you're in, you're in. I would call my manager every day, trying to get myself off the film. I was so new and I thought you had to listen to what you were told. People would say, "You have to wear this!" and I would just say, "Well I don't want to wear that!" But everyone, including Mariah Carey said, "You have to wear what we give you or you're fired!" She did not want any of us to look good!

I smell a Mariah-bashing coming on!

Let me just tell you that I wasn't allowed to show any of my body in this jmovie because she would not allow it. It's too bad because she's so beautiful and talented that she doesn't need to be that way. But she was very insecure. Everyone else I worked with, whether it was Colin Farrell, Chris Rock, Renee Zellweger, or Morgan Freeman, have all been so generous and easy to work with. But working with Mariah was really hard. She knows that I feel this way. When you work with actors, you have to make those around you who you're working with feel comfortable. But she tried to make us all feel horrible and it came out in the film. That's why the film was such a flop. In fact, she cut out all my dance moves. She said, "Sorry, but this movie is about my singing not your dancing." She just ruined the film.

What did you learn from the experience?

Now I'm totally different on the set. If something is wrong, I'll be the first to speak up. Not in the diva way, but I'll tell people if I'm uncomfortable with something. It will never happen to me again. Ever! And if somebody treats me like Mariah did, then I won't talk to that person.

I have to ask you this. When something like that happens and you have a terrible experience like that, does it affect how you perceive them as talents? In other words, do you have trouble listening to Mariah's music now? Even the hit songs?

(Yells) It's so funny that you said that! It's so interesting you said that because I truly feel that way! I think she's ultratalented and she's been through a lot and she's been sheltered a lot and we don't know her full story, but it really is harder for me to listen to her music! I have all her CDs and I don't think I've listened to any of them since that movie.

Keep in mind Mariah was on the verge of an emotional breakdown during the making of "Glitter." So maybe that had something to do with her attitude.

You don't know what people are going through, that's true. But I will say that most of the other actors I worked with during my career have taken the time to be a professional and they didn't go out of their way to make the other actors on the set miserable. That's really why the film was a failure. The film never should have been released.

Well, on the bright side, "Glitter" is forever a cult classic.

Do you know how many fans I have from that movie? I had a bunch of little girls following me around the airport the other day because they loved the movie.

The film that's so bad it's good.

Yes! And I've learned from it, plus I made the biggest paycheck I've ever made on it as well! (Laughs) Sometimes the films you get the biggest payday from are the worst ones! It's a crazy system!

Aren't you glad I brought up "Glitter"?

I know, and it's brought up all the time! It used to really agitate me because it was such a negative experience. In fact, when I finished the film, I quit acting for three months because I had had it! But now I just laugh about it.

Every famous actor has their own "Glitter" story.

Exactly. I just hope that's my only one!

I take it the set of "Third Watch" is slightly less stressful?

Oh yeah. We try to make all our guest stars feel as comfortable as possible. We just have so much fun. Everybody is so wonderful. That's the great thing about this business, you can be working on a really bad movie one minute and the next minute you're working on a beautiful series!

So tell me something about this new season of "Third Watch" that nobody knows.

Well, there's something about my character this season that's been sleeping inside of her that's going to come out.

She's a lesbian, isn't she?

No, the secret is that she loves Chaunce. She has had a crush on Chaunce all along. In fact, I think you should end this interview with "Sgt. Cruz in love with Chaunce." That's the perfect ending to what this whole next season is about. Sgt. Cruz loves Chaunce! It's perfect! I love it!

#interview #steppin out #year:unknown #article

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