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Hua Cheng essentially cockblocking himself for possibly all of eternity will literally never not be the funniest thing MXTX ever wrote.

Xie Lian was pretty much completely in love with him the second he saw those lanterns (and completely oblivious about it) and then we get the wonderful first kiss underwater moment and Xie Lian is basically drawing hearts around Hua Cheng every time he sees him. While like quietly dying cause he literally has no idea what to do with it. Like at this point he doesn’t even really understand that he is head over heels totally gone for this man.

Until Hua Cheng is like I have a beloved I just haven’t won them over yet. Which he thinks is perfectly reasonable because his self esteem is the worst and he doesn’t understand how he could have won Xie Lian over yet. (He’s only on step 22 of his Marrying Dianxia 3000 step Master Plan ((that he debates throwing out on a regular basis because he doesn’t deserve to even dream about wanting Xie Lian)). So course he’s like yeah I have this wonderful noble beautiful beloved I just haven’t won them over yet wink wink nudge nudge.

But Xie Lian is like oh of course obviously I don’t deserve nice things and fuck I actually wanted him so badly I’m actually in love with him and now I will resign myself to never being happy for his sake. (Their combined self esteem is truly a so low it’s a hole in the ground which is hilarious because they think the other person is to good for them and unattainable forever because they literally have the same neurosis.) So he starts boxing up his feelings forever constantly wanting Hua Cheng and feeling guilty about it and literally dying inside because he wants Hua Cheng like he’s never wanted anyone.

Like essentially books 3 and 5 only happen because Hua Cheng has now cursed them both by saying he has a beloved because Xie Lian believes he isn’t wanted and therefore any nice thing Hua Cheng does is just him being nice and not Hua Cheng pulling out steps 23-34 of his plan thinking he still hasn’t won Xie Lian over. (He has he so has but he shot himself in the foot so badly it’s painful to read).

Like thank the Gods Hua Cheng is so unhinged and created the cave of 10000 Gods cause Xie Lian would literally be at his own wedding to Hua Cheng still convinced he wanted someone else and this was in fact a thing they were doing to solve a case together otherwise.

Like he needed something that unhinged to put 2 and 2 together otherwise he never would have caught on he’s Hua Cheng’s beloved. Meanwhile Hua cheng is like 🥺 he’s going to think I’m a weirdo now and I’m only on step 50 of the plan 🥺 like the two of them wouldn’t have been fucking nasty 2 books ago if he just kept his mouth shut and didn’t cockblock himself so violently.

#hua cheng #xie lian #hualian #i love that hc has a 3000 step plan #very good #tgcf

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what's with pointy-eared Hua Cheng is there something I missed

#tgcf #hua cheng #fanart

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reblogging for visibility.

Episode 4 just aired. Another thing I love about this podcast is that different episodes pick up different threads to this story, whether it's the compassion, the horror, the romance. Episode 4 has a lot to do with the phantom as an artist, but it's also about the zeigeist of the 70s and definitely worth a listen.

podcast rec

My BFF has made a podcast!!!! It's amazing and probably sometime I'd want to make if I was making a podcast. I'm not just advertising it because my friend made it but because it's a very cool project.

The podcast is called Re:Adapted. Each season is about a canon that has been adapted in many ways (mostly into film, but also stage and beyond). One thing that's cool about the podcast is that you don't have to know the canon to listen to the season; she provides pretty good summaries of the original and the adaptations. The other thing that's cool is it's not really about what plot or characters got changed from iteration to iteration so much a it is about how adaptation evolves as we as a society evolve, and what a new adaptation says about the time in which it's made. She looks at cultural context and film technologies and how the themes of a story change as the people who consume that story change.

The first season is about Phantom of the Opera. You can find it here!

#podcast

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@yellowwallsbluesky asked about new Untamed end!

ahhhhh here is 27,745 words of wangxian that will never see the light of day. Thank you for asking!

I mentioned in my post about lwjwwx2 that I had a really hard time writing CQL fic partly because I just could not imagine WWX having any sex or even being particularly romantic. In CQL, he strikes me as very in love, but not in a romantic or sexual way. The problem was a little bigger than that, though, because I also could not imagine LWJ having sex. To be clear, I thought of LWJ as extremely romantic and sexual. But while LWJ's desire comes across as extremely intense, he's so hellbent on doing whatever WWX wants and whatever would make WWX comfortable, never pushing a single thing on WWX at all. In the second half of the show LWJ strikes me as extremely passive unless WWX needs him; he lets WWX get away with everything and expresses himself so little and so poorly that I just didn't see how these kids could get it together! That was 2020 - summer 2023. Then I was on the couch and thinking about them and could suddenly imagine it happening! So I started writing.

If this was a real fic I assume it would make some people extremely impatient. It takes place directly after CQL, and neither of them have any idea what they want from each other or what they can be to each other. I've seen plenty of people say it's unrealistic for them not to understand each other by then. But for me personally it makes sense that you could love someone with your whole heart and never once consider sex or romance, so to me CQL does not come across as romance but rather the prequel to one that is not necessary consummated (even with kisses) in the next scene after the end.

The premise is that after the end of CQL they go back to Cloud Recesses. LWJ knows that WWX arouses him and that he wants to be as close as humanly possible, but this doesn't really correlate in his mind to wanting to have sex and get married. He doesn't even think about sex. He just wants, all the time, a undefined longing that feels desperate and unstable to him. Meanwhile he's determined to do anything in his power to make WWX feel safe and comfortable and welcome.

It's not really a characterization of LWJ that makes sense to me now. I think I just needed to get it down to deal with idk, the way the censorship makes CQL so weird. I think the way I would read CQL!LWJ now is that he knows he wants WWX romantically and sexually but has difficulty communicating it with words and also does not want to impose, because people have asked so much of WWX and WWX is so willing to sacrifice himself for people he loves, and LWJ does not want WWX sacrificed. The reason this WIP is labelled "new" is that I went back and started changing the LWJ characterization so he was someone who knew what he was doing.

Meanwhile, the WWX is actually more knowing than I see him now. He comes back to Cloud Recesses with LWJ and feels restless and confused about his place there. He doesn't feel like he has a real role and even if LWJ really likes him, he doesn't understand what he could be here. But then LWJ just keeps giving and giving and giving, and WWX becomes very aware of what it looks like, from the outside. WWX has never been concerned about reputation for himself, but he is aware that reputation is a thing, and he cares about it for LWJ, so he notices. And when he notices that other people think they're a couple, he also realizes that it's what LWJ wants too. And WWX's reasoning is basically "well, why not? I'd give him anything; if he wants it, he can take it."

So he pushes and pushes on the boundary of friendship. It's obvious he's not doing it because he wants it because he thinks LWJ does. But it's also obvious he's not against it and that he doesn't know what he wants and that he would rather be something for LWJ than nothing at all. The idea was going to be that after they finally have sex, WWX grows addicted to the cuddling and intimacy that occurs afterwards and wants it all the time--because he doesn't really want it otherwise. He struggles to accept that kind of intimacy unless there's an act of service involved, because he doesn't really feel worth of it.

I actually think that this was the breakthrough for me. Once I realized that WWX would very much like to be held but doesn't really know how to let it happen unless there's a good reason for it, I finally felt like I could write him and write the whole wangxian dynamic. Of course, my WWX changed too; I am definitely more likely to write him now as not having a clue about what LWJ wants from him. That said, I read this fic, and I still buy that WWX could see that LWJ wants this from him and that his response is "sure, I'll do anything," even if he doesn't necessarily feel strong sexual attraction. That WWX gets off on service, which is still something I can buy.

Anyway I only got 25% of the way through shifting the LWJ characterization when I started writing Say More, and I realized I never really had a goal or end for this fic. It was just something I needed to write to get to know the characters--though I will say, I reread it to write this post, and I still really enjoy it!

#wangxian #wips #my fics

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Something about the whole "Eming is born of Hua Cheng's desire to live and Rouye is born of Xie Lian's desire to die," and then how Xie Lian wears funeral colours and Hua Cheng wears wedding colours. God oriented towards death and stillness and self-denial. Ghost oriented towards life and hope and happiness.

#tgcf #hua cheng #xie lian

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I've said I wished TGCF dealt with Hua Cheng's self-loathing more and dealt with his conflicts about how worthy he is of his god, and I still wish that. But just to be clear--no matter how unworthy Hua Cheng finds himself, the whole point is, it doesn't really matter to him. He can believe he is unfit to worship such a glorious and good god, he can believe he is the most unfit person on the planet, he can believe that he shouldn't get to worship such a god, he can believe that he doesn't deserve to live for him--and Hua Cheng would still just not give a fuck about it.

His whole thing is that it doesn't matter what he is or who he is as long as there is his god, in the world, as happy and healthy and safe as possible.

And what I love about that is that Hua Cheng can reach the very bottom of the barrel; he can hate himself to infinity and beyond; he can be the very lowest of the low and he is never, ever, ever, ever going to wish he did not exist. He's not ever going to say a thing like "I'm not good enough to go on." He's not ever going to hurt himself in a way that hinders himself, he's not ever going punish himself in ways that hobble himself, he'll never want to die. He's never going to get in his own way, because his way is more important than himself. His reason for living is more important than whether he wants to live.

What I'm saying is that Hua Cheng can hate himself but he doesn't ever doubt himself, and that's really interesting when you think about it.

#self-harm #suicidal ideation #hua cheng #tgcf #hualian #xie lian

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to be clear, Luo Binghe also would've fucked Shen Qingqiu statues and Hua Cheng would similarly only treat Xie Lian's corpse with utmost respect. Though obviously if Xie Lian died Hua Cheng would cease to exist

What’s the consensus on what Hua Cheng did with the statues?

It may be controversial, but I suspect it was hornier than whatever Luo Binghe was doing with Shen Qingqiu’s corpse…dressing it every morning, making it breakfast, and sobbing.

Like, I don’t think Hua Cheng actually did anything untoward with the statues, but he probably had thoughts about maybe, just maybe, kissing a hand, or a cheek, or — Anyway, he would feel very guilty about having such thoughts and atone for a long time...until the thoughts inevitably sprung up again, leading to more atonement. Basically, just an endless cycle of horny atonement.

#hua cheng #luo binghe #tgcf #svsss

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I could only find ONE fic about it on AO3. Fandom has never disappointed me so hard. I thought there was gonna be a full on tag

What’s the consensus on what Hua Cheng did with the statues?

It may be controversial, but I suspect it was hornier than whatever Luo Binghe was doing with Shen Qingqiu’s corpse…dressing it every morning, making it breakfast, and sobbing.

Like, I don’t think Hua Cheng actually did anything untoward with the statues, but he probably had thoughts about maybe, just maybe, kissing a hand, or a cheek, or — Anyway, he would feel very guilty about having such thoughts and atone for a long time...until the thoughts inevitably sprung up again, leading to more atonement. Basically, just an endless cycle of horny atonement.

#hua cheng #fandom #ao3

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no he full on fucked those statues

What’s the consensus on what Hua Cheng did with the statues?

It may be controversial, but I suspect it was hornier than whatever Luo Binghe was doing with Shen Qingqiu’s corpse…dressing it every morning, making it breakfast, and sobbing.

Like, I don’t think Hua Cheng actually did anything untoward with the statues, but he probably had thoughts about maybe, just maybe, kissing a hand, or a cheek, or — Anyway, he would feel very guilty about having such thoughts and atone for a long time...until the thoughts inevitably sprung up again, leading to more atonement. Basically, just an endless cycle of horny atonement.

#tgcf #hua cheng #xie lian

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Another panel from my comic about Hua Cheng «The Star of Misfortune» 🥰

The translation to english is done! I'm planning to open orders soon🫡❤️

#tgcf #hua cheng #xie lian #hooooooooooooooooooooo damn #hua cheng's murals

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Lest you think I only have good things to say about TGCF forever--well, that's ultimately true but I'm also ultimately annoyed about the treatment of Hua Cheng as a character.

Listen. Wanting to put your god on a pedestal and lick the floor for him/die for him/efface your entire self for him AND fuck him through the floor/violate every part of his body until he begs for mercy/tease him and embarrass him so much he can't stand his own skin AND live as BFF husbands on somewhat even footing are three very different things.

I want to see how Hua Cheng reconciles being quite honestly ready to murder the first person in sight because Xie Lian had some slight question about his devotion to his god's cause, with purposely embarrassing him and teasing him and calling him gege. But we don't really get anything about his private thoughts? He is never presented as having inner conflicts, other than regret that Xie Lian has suffered pain?

Like, there is a suggestion that he knows his obsession with Xie Lian and the ways in which he is obsessed could be seen as creepy and freakish, but it gets washed away when Xie Lian says it doesn't bother him and still wants to kiss him. There are several demonstrations of his self-loathing, and yet it doesn't get aired like everyone else's dirty laundry does.

And then there's the part where you find out that Hua Cheng has sacrificed a part of his body rather than any part of a group of humans who were doomed to die anyway. And you know that this is a huge deal for him, because the whole reason he was with those humans at Mt Tonglu was so that he could be strong enough to come back to Xie Lian and protect him. Except we also know that again, Hua Cheng had no compunction about helping Xie Lian commit genocide and regocide and countless murders; like he had no interest or respect for human life at all when it came to doing whatever Xie Lian bid him to do. So it's in fact a huge fucking deal that in the end, Hua Cheng would rather hurt himself than anybody else, except that is not really explored in the novel.

I mean, you can say that the only reason Hua Cheng-as-Wuming didn't care about murders was that Xie Lian wanted the murders, which made the murders all justified in Wuming's mind, and, that since Xie Lian wasn't there at Mt Tonglu, Hua Cheng just had to go with his own instincts instead of Xie Lian wanting murders, so in the end Hua Cheng's own instinct was self-sacrifice. You could also say, I guess, that Hua Cheng hated his eye anyway so it's not the same sort of sacrifice it would have been had it been another body part.

But even if that's the case, I'd want it to be explored. Like, isn't it likely that Hua Cheng chose self-sacrifice because he knew Xie Lian would choose self-sacrifice, because he knew that a Xie Lian not driven mad with grief and pain would not want to harm others to further his own cause? At the same time, Hua Cheng is not shown to make choices that will align with Xie Lian's values at other parts in the book. In fact, Hua Cheng consciously and purposely makes choices that he thinks could or even would disgust Xie Lian, because it's more important to Hua Cheng to make those choices if they protect and preserve Xie Lian than it is for Hua Cheng to make choices that would make Xie Lian look at him fondly or proudly. So, it's such a big deal that deep down, Hua Cheng does want to care about and protect others, even people who aren't Xie Lian, but it's just mentioned in passing at almost the very end and never explored.

And then these 800 years, what was Hua Cheng even doing? I mean, I get it, it takes a lot of time to carve ten thousand statues, especially the ones where you need to get his cock just right for....reasons, but I thought we were going to get some kind of explanation of what he did during this time. Why did he decide to finally approach Xie Lian when he did? Like, I think the conversation between Xie Lian and Hua Cheng-as-the-little-ghost-fire is supposed to explain part of why Hua Cheng stayed away for so long--XL says "if your beloved knows you couldn't find peace just because you wanted to protect them, wouldn't they feel guilty?" And the ghost says that then he would just protect his beloved from afar.

But was Hua Cheng protecting Xie Lian? Because it seems like Xie Lian getting trampled to death (as "General" Hua) and then getting killed and buried in a coffin (as State Preceptor Fengxin) is not very protective? Like, Hua Cheng did a bad job there.

It seems like the fics I'm reading are going with the idea that Hua Cheng couldn't find Xie Lian. Hua Cheng does say he did search for Xie Lian and couldn't find him, but we know this is a bald-faced lie. Hua Cheng says this when Xie Lian asks him if Hua Cheng ever saw him outside of Xianle, because Xie Lian has become concerned that Hua Cheng saw his downfall after his banishment and his descent into genocidal madness before his second ascension. But we know that Hua Cheng did see that, which means Hua Cheng is very much lying about not being able to find Xie Lian after the fall of Xianle.

But sure, you can posit that after Hua Cheng-as-Wuming almost disperses all the way and then comes back, he can't find Xie Lian again. I think you can also assume that Wuming's dispersal is more total and complete than Hua Cheng's dispersal after he breaks Xie Lian's shackles, so I think you can easily posit that it takes Hua Cheng at least a century to return as a complete person after Xie Lian's second ascension/banishment. And I can imagine that even after fully returning amassing wealth and power takes time, but here's where I get stumped--Hua Cheng is does not read as someone who would sit around and wait to have enough wealth and power to protet Xie Lian before trying to protect Xie Lian. I imagine that the first thing he does as soon as he can like, move independently in the world is look for him, even if only to help him from afar. And yet, as previously stated...Xie Lian really didn't seem like he got much help in those 800 years.

Perhaps we can assume that once Xie Lian ascends (why does he ascend the third time? Never addressed? Also annoyed about this) Black Water/Earth Master/He Xuan now can report on Xie Lian's exact whereabouts, but there's still no good explanation for why super over-powered Hua Cheng would not be able to find Xie Lian for 800 years. I mean, it's not exactly a needle in a haystack here. Xie Lian is a singular person. Just follow disaster, honestly. I guess Hua Cheng didn't know about the shackle on Xie Lian's luck, but he has figured out a lot of Xie Lian's past, right? I don't understand why he hasn't figured that out.

(And another thing--does Hua Cheng even know why Xie Lian got banished the second time? Does he even know that Xie Lian asked for the shackles? Doesn't he want to know everything he possibly can about Xie Lian? If he's unwilling to ask, I'd understand, but again--everyone else's dirty laundry gets out there, but here there's this thing that is so central to Hua Cheng's and Xie Lian's relationship, unexplored.)

My problem isn't that Hua Cheng lives and exists for Xie Lian. That's who he is, and I think I wouldn't like or love him as a character if I thought he needed to have more in his life than his single-minded devotion. But single-minded devotion can contain a lot more dimension and conflict than I think ultimately got explored, and there are and some super salient events in his life that are really defining moments. It makes him feel a lot more one-dimensional than I feel like the character is set up to be.

The fic so far honestly gives him a more interesting treatment, imo. He's a lot more tortured about whether to fuck or worship and how to do both, which I guess I'm ultimately saying is what I really want from that character. I find him deeply lovable, interesting, and fascinating, I just didn't think the book really spent time with the most interesting parts of him.

#hua cheng #tgcf

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Ooh what about lwjwwx2? These ideas you’ve shared so far are super intriguing and cool!

Thank you!!!! I'm glad you've enjoyed them.

lwjwwx2 is actually a continuation of Lan Zhan, Fantasyland, which is the first CQL fic I ever wrote and also the first I ever posted.

I saw CQL in 2020 and fell in love with it. Read tons of fanfic! I admit to feeling kind of intimidated about writing for a Chinese canon where I really didn't know a lot of the cultural context, also knowing that some non-Chinese fans had been pretty shitty about respecting said culture.

Another barrier to writing fic for the series was I still, in some ways, struggle to imagine WWX having sexual feelings--or even romantic ones, really! Like, I could definitely write an aro ace WWX and that might be interesting, but I wanted wangxian to hook up with kisses and with boning. But like in my head I was just like...WWX is literally going to think of that? And LWJ is never going to tell him?

This is how I ended up writing Lan Zhan, Fantasyland. I couldn't even, in my own head, make WWX get sexy about anyone, so I wrote LWJ struggling, in his own head, to imagine WWX wanting him. Like, he's able to imagine WWX having sex in this careless, possibly-not-even-into-it way, but WWX having sex with him, much less wanting him that way? He cannot compute.

It was going to be a whole series; lwjwwx2 is LWJ imagining that WWX is hit with a sex curse where he has to fuck or die, and LWJ is like "okay but surely this fantasy will allow me to finally imagine us at least being intimate." Hilariously I have written the 5,000 words or so up to the actual fucking and stopped, because I still could not imagine WWX+sex. So I never continued, although I still read it sometimes, because Lan Zhan, Fantasyland is about Lan Zhan being haunted by WWX in his imagination, and the 5000 more words of that I wrote are great, imo.

As a side note, beyond the above mentioned two barriers I will say the biggest barrier to writing fic for this series is I just like it too much. In particular, I like WWX too much. I just get overwhelmed a lot when I think about CQL in general. There's something about it that's just too much of what I want of everything. The only other ship I feel that way about is Kirk/Spock; it's hard to write because it's so much of what I want that I just kind of stare off into space whenever I think about it.

#wips #cql #my fic

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Please tell us about switch2!

This is an SVSSS fic born out of my intense desire that SQQ and LBH could one day have good sex that they both enjoy. It can't rightfully be called a WIP, because if I ever do write it, the 1,599 words I wrote of this won't see the light of day.

I just honestly don't understand the sex in the extras. Like, I get that LBH gets too excited, and that SQQ is too embarrassed and lacking in confidence to direct them into something they might enjoy more. But LBH looooooves pleasing this guy; he literally spends hours of his life just rolling little dumplings so that he can watch SQQ eat them. I do not understand why he would not dedicate massive number of hours trying to figure out the best ways to pleasure SQQ, especially after Bing-ge comes to town and basically says "I can please him better than you."

One of my biggest issues is I do not know why they would default to LBH topping, when LBH suggests he's very fine with bottoming, and when LBH loves serving his shizun, and when LBH loves getting ordered around, and when LBH gets off on pain. I'm not trying to equate bottoming with submission and masochism. (Side note, but contrapoint's latest video coined the term DHSM [default heterosexual sadomasochism] for the tendency to align behaviors/ideas that are part of dualities with the same behaviors/ideas every time. E.g., the fact that bottoming, masochism, submission, feminine passive are often aligned together and topping, sadistic, domination, masculine, aggressive are also aligned together, when conceivably someone could be a bottom who is sadistic and submissive and masculine and aggressive. I find this a useful coinage.)

But what I am trying to say is that these things are often grouped, and they are struggling so much with sex that I honestly think it would be easier for them to group them this way. That is, SQQ might be uncertain and embarrassed about being dominating, but if he was already topping it might be a little easier for him to tell LBH what to do (and conversely! it's pretty easy for him in the rest of their lives for him to issue orders to LBH, so maybe issuing orders would help SQQ feel okay topping! etc).

I'm also trying to say that when LBH tops canonically, he becomes very domineering and SQQ defaults to submission because LBH is too forceful and excited to really stand against! And I'm also trying to say that when LBH tops canonically you could also say he almost, to an extent, defaults to sadism, because we keep hearing from SQQ that it hurts a lot! (Which isn't all that is required for sadism but anyway LBH is definitely enjoying himself in conjunction with causing pain!) So anyway, they default into the DHSM dynamic anyway, but they're not really in the roles they seem most comfortable with!

So anyway, I really just started writing without a lot of plan. It starts with LBH reflecting on the fact that he doesn't think SQQ likes their lovemaking. He knows that Shizun doesn't always express his feelings and that sometimes he can act blase even when he really likes something, but LBH knows him and knows that he's not hiding ecstatic pleasure, and that mostly Shizun just tolerates the sex.

So then LBH himself decides that SQQ would really probably like it better if he topped, and he's moping about how he can't get SQQ to top. So then he develops a plan to manipulate SQQ into topping him. LBH starts by going to Liu Mingyan, because she has porn, and somehow he's going to learn things from that that will aid him in this quest.

I honestly had no idea where it was going; I just felt so frustrated with them both and wanted to write nice porn for them and felt like I couldn't because their dynamic is so confused, for both of them.

#wips #sadism #masochism #domination #submission #sex #svsss #my fics

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Hi!!! I’d love to hear about Ming Fan :)

hahahahaha well you already know! But it's true we did talk about two Ming Fan fics.

This one has 6,000 words. I doubt I will have the patience to finish it, even though Tarnished Gold by prim_the_amazing made me want 30,000 other fics like it.

In this fic, Shen Yuan does not transmigrate into Shen Qingqiu's body. He instead transmigrates into Ming Fan's body, about 9 months before Shen Qingqiu is due to toss Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss.

Here's a short excerpt that I think basically demonstrates the premise. The opening of the fic is that LBH is being tortured in the woodshed as a result of Ming Fan's bullying. When LBH gets out he hears that Ming Fan has fallen ill. He doesn't exactly care.

A few warnings: there's bullying, violent thought, and a number of OCs in this excerpt. Also, the narration is unkind to Ning Yingying--this is because LBH likes her well enough but doesn't really understand her behavior. The idea is that Shen Yuan would eventually shed light for Luo Binghe on why she does what she does, making her a far more relatable and comprehensible character for the reader. (And as in canon, NYY having someone around who treats her like an adult also helps NYY herself grow and change).

A week later, Ning Yingying came to visit while Luo Binghe mucked out the horses’ stalls. “Did you hear? Ming-shixiong is doing much better,” she remarked, sitting on a bale of hay, watching as he worked.

Ning Yingying never helped with the additional tasks always assigned to Luo Binghe. She’d tried to a few times in early days. She’d been reprimanded for it and Luo Binghe punished, though Luo Binghe being punished never seemed like a strong deterrent to her. At first, Luo Binghe had thought that she didn’t realize that they liked her, and that was why she also didn’t realize that evidence that she liked him resulted in hardship upon him. Gradually, he came to see that she just didn’t notice that her behavior could really have an effect on anyone who wasn’t her.

Once he asked her not to help him with the chores, she gave in easily. She really hadn’t liked doing them anyway.

When Luo Binghe said nothing, Ning Yingying went on. “They say he suffered memory loss as a result of the illness. Even some of his cultivation technique!”

Luo Binghe shoveled more of the dung into the wheeled cart. He had heard the same thing, but it didn’t really concern him much. Ming Fan’s cultivation had never been strong to begin with, even though his spiritual cultivation was still much stronger than Luo Binghe’s. It didn’t matter. Luo Binghe’s demonic cultivation, under the tutelage of Ming Mo, had already made him more powerful than Ming Fan would ever be.

“I’ve heard he’s been practicing with the little ones to relearn it,” Ning Yingying went on. “Shu-shimei, Mu-shimei, even San-shidi. He’s only twelve! Have you ever heard Ming-shixiong even speak to them?”

Ming Fan should have been speaking to them. He was Head Disciple, and Shu Mingxia, Mu Bailong, and San Nianzhou were Ming Fan’s youngest martial siblings. Ming Fan’s duty was to ensure that they were well tutored, but of course, Ming Fan had never done anything of the sort with Luo Binghe. He shoveled up another pile of dung.

“I just think it’s interesting,” Ning Yingying said, when Luo Binghe still didn’t reply.

“What’s interesting?” said a voice.

Luo Binghe paused, then slowly turned around.

Huo Yuhan, one of Ming Fan’s gang, stood in the doorway of the stables, flanked by two others. During Ming Fan’s illness, Huo Yuhan and these other two had carried on the thankless yet necessary task of insulting Luo Binghe, pranking him, assigning him extra work, and making sure he didn’t have enough to eat. “I said, what’s interesting?” Huo Yuhan demanded, swaggering into the stable. “Is it how much shit Luo-shidi can shovel? Because I’m interested in him shoveling more.”

“Huo-shixiong,” was all Luo Binghe said. He rested his hand casually around the handle of the shovel, imagining bashing it into Huo Yuhan’s head—but he already knew he wouldn’t do it. Patience, Meng Mo had counseled. The boys would rough him up. Ning Yingying would protest, and Luo Binghe would let them. Then he would go back to shoveling shit.

“Maybe it’s interesting whether you’re good for anything else,” Huo Yuhan said. “Tell me, Shidi, are you good for anything but shoveling shit? Maybe eating shit?”

“Huo-shidi,” said a quiet voice.

Luo Binghe shifted his eyes behind the trio, who all turned to look at the stable door entrance. Ming Fan stood there, looking a little pale. His mouth was a flat line.

Meanwhile, Huo Yuhan’s face broke into a wide grin. “Ming-shixiong! So glad you’re here. I was just asking Luo-shidi whether he wanted to eat shit. What do you think?”

“Shizun wants you.” Ming Fan’s eyes fell on the other two disciples flanking Huo Yuhan. “You as well.”

“What? What for?”

Ming Fan gave a slight shake of his head. “He didn’t say.”

“Well, fine,” said Huo Yuhan. “We can tell him how badly Luo-shidi is slacking.”

“Right,” said Fu Xuefeng, one of the other lackeys. “He’s barely shoveled anything.”

“You’re the ones who interrupted him,” Ning Yingying said irritably.

“We’ll tell him you said so.” Fu Xuefeng smirked, knowing that any time Shen Qingqiu heard about Ning Yingying defending Luo Binghe, the punishment doubled.

Luo Binghe kept his silence, hand still on the shovel.

“Why would we bother Shizun with reports about dung?” Ming Fan’s eyes were fixed calmly on the trio, as though Luo Binghe wasn’t even there. “I’m sure it’s beneath his notice.”

Huo Yuhan began, “But Luo-shidi hasn’t—”

“It’s beneath his notice,” Ming Fan said firmly. “Come along.” Ming Fan waited at the door until the other three had filed out, then turned and left.

He hadn’t looked at Luo Binghe once. He hadn’t looked at Ning Yingying either, which was far more strange. Ming Fan usually never passed up an opportunity to ridicule Luo Binghe, but perhaps Ming Fan had decided ignoring Luo Binghe and calling him beneath Shen Qingqiu’s notice was ridicule enough. But Luo Binghe couldn’t remember a time when Ming Fan hadn’t looked for an opportunity to ingratiate himself with Ning Yingying, even despite all these years of her disinterest. Did he think that acting like he was too good to care about dung shoveling was going to impress her somehow?

“Like I said,” Ning Yingying, tossing aside a piece of hay she’d been playing with. “It’s very interesting.”

#svsss #lbh #wips #my fics #shen yuan

[letteredlettered]

arranged20??

This answer is also for @nanavn, who asked about the same thing!

This is a fic I really, really hope to finish writing. I wrote 44,293 already. I love it and I'm proud of it. But it's an MDZS/CQL fic, and my head is living in TGCF right now, and I also want to make time for original fic, so who knows when I will get to it?

This fic is wangxian. That's the only pairing, though I guess background LXC/NMJ.

In ancient China, marriage between men was a thing, the way it was in many ancient cultures, but I didn't really do a lot of research on that for the fic. One central premise of the fic, though, is that marriage between men is not unheard of and can be used for political alliances. Homophobia still exists in this world, because I actually think it's rather important to some of the premises of this book.

The fic is an AU after WWX dies at the burial mounds. Another basic premise is that JGS begins to realize JGY is a threat, so he watches closely and doesn't die in an orgy. In order to keep JGY in check, JGS recognizes Mo Xuanyu as Jin Xuanyu. Meanwhile, JGS is more careful about consolidation of power--for instance, JGY has not dared sabotage NMJ. Instead, the Jin Sect has slowly expanded such that the other sects can feel the heat, and everyone is waiting for things to boil over.

This is an arranged marriage fic. At the start of the fic, Jin Sect finally makes a move that will undermine and discredit the Lan Sect. Lan Xichen knows what JGS is looking for--to either chip away at Lan influence or gain Lan fealty. LXC feels that the only way to secure their position is to marry into the Jin Sect. LWJ refuses to let his brother throw himself away on a loveless marriage, because the man LXC loves is alive and also threatened (even without his qi being sabotaged, NMJ's qi is still unstable). Believing that WWX won't return, LWJ demands that he go through with the marriage himself, and because LWJ is super stubborn and LXC isn't great at standing up to him, LXC acquiesces.

The marriage is of course to Jin Xuanyu. LWJ doesn't really know Jin Xuanyu except for having met a few times in passing. On the day of their wedding, Jin Xuanyu excuses himself from the wedding feast, claiming to be ill.

Here is an excerpt, taking place when LWJ checks on Jin Xuanyu after the wedding banquet!

Lan Wangji nodded and entered the residence, where a strange odor assaulted his senses and Jin Xuanyu stood in the middle of the room, holding a thick sheaf of papers and a shocked expression. “Lan Zhan!” he exclaimed.

Lan Wangji looked at Jin Xuanyu’s arm, which was now behind Jin Xuanyu’s back, hiding the sheaf of papers. Deciding to prioritize, Lan Wangji didn’t ask about it. Jin Xuanyu was extremely pale. “Are you all right?”

“Me?” Jin Xuanyu said blankly. “Oh, I’m quite . . . oh, terrible.” He began to cough. “I’m terrible, Hanguang-jun.”

“I brought you food,” Lan Wangji said, moving farther into the room. The scent in the air was familiar, but Lan Wangji could not place it.

Jin Xuanyu had not moved. “Hanguang-jun,” he said. Then he said it again. “Hanguang-jun.”

Lan Wangji put the tray on the table and stood.

“I . . .” Jin Xuanyu seemed quite at a loss. Then he said, in a quiet voice, “Are we really married?”

Lan Wangji stared, at a loss as well.

“It’s just . . .” Jin Xuanyu made a helpless gesture with his hand.

Lan Wangji, speaking very carefully, said, “You were at the ceremony.”

Jin Xuanyu grimaced. “Right . . .” He made another face. “It’s just so . . .”

Jin Xuanyu stood there for so long, unspeaking, that Lan Wangji finally stepped toward him.

“Never mind, Hanguang-jun!” Speeding over to the table, keeping the papers behind his back, Jin Xuanyu looked down at the tray. “Is it from the wedding banquet?” he said quickly. “Is it something good?”

Lan Wangji eyed him warily, remembering the Jin plots he had considered earlier. “Plain soup.”

Jin Xuanyu’s face fell. “Really?”

“You were unwell,” Lan Wangji reminded him.

“Oh. Right.” Jin Xuanyu coughed a few times.

In spite of his pallor, the way Jin Xuanyu was coughing did not appear genuine, and he seemed otherwise well. Even if he was sick, his current condition did not seem poor enough to warrant desertion of his own wedding banquet, and no illness Lan Wangji could imagine would cause a person to post a guard outside the door.

Keeping the papers out of sight behind him, Jin Xuanyu leaned down, uncovering the bowl on the tray and taking a whiff. “Unf. It really is plain. There at least should be good food, considering what I’ve been through.”

Jin Xuanyu did not seem inclined to share what he had ‘been through,’ but the papers were obviously connected. “Shall I fetch something else?” Lan Wangji asked, keeping his tone polite.

Wincing, Jin Xuanyu straightened, then forced an uncomfortable little laugh. “No, Hanguang-jun, that’s . . . it’s fine.”

Unable to wait any longer for a reasonable explanation, Lan Wangji finally asked, “What are the papers?”

“Hm?”

Lan Wangji did not repeat himself. He thought that Jin Xuanyu had heard him very well.

“Oh.” Jin Xuanyu chuckled. “I suppose you mean these,” he said, whipping out the sheaf of paper from behind his back. “Well, let me tell you,” Jin Xuanyu went on, glancing at the papers himself. “These papers are . . . they’re . . . a diary,” he said suddenly. “Very private, Hanguang-jun. I’m going to burn them.”

The paper visible to Lan Wangji was covered in writing too small to read. Lan Wangji looked back to Jin Xuanyu. “I would not read your private writings.”

“I’m sure you wouldn’t, Hanguang-jun,” Jin Xuanyu said, setting the sheaf of papers on the floor, then sitting down on it, before the soup. “You’ve always been so honorable. One can never be too careful, though. Prying eyes, you know.” Picking up the bowl, Jin Xuanyu began to eat, as though nothing in his behavior could be deemed at all suspicious or unusual.

Lan Wangji looked down at him, trying to decide what to do. That Jin Xuanyu was hiding things from him was obvious, and yet, Lan Wangji had rarely witnessed a guilty person seem so unconcerned with being caught. If Jin Xuanyu had in fact planned with other Jin Sect members to annihilate the Lan Clan from within, or if some other nefarious scheme were in play, surely a more subtle subterfuge would have been employed.

No, this behavior seemed a result of Jin Xuanyu’s own eccentricities, of which Lan Wangji was rapidly becoming aware that there were many. When Jin Xuanyu had first joined the Jin Clan at Golden Carp Tower, Lan Wangji had heard that the man was odd, but almost all the rumors had seemed to center around Jin Xuanyu’s sexual preferences, as far as Lan Wangji had been able to tell.

Perhaps he should have conducted more research into the nature of Jin Xuanyu’s character, not in the least because Jin Xuanyu was now slurping his soup in a most aggravating manner. He had handled himself with adequate decorum at the tea ceremony that afternoon. Perhaps within the privacy of the Jingshi, with his new husband, Jin Xuanyu felt it permissible to forgo etiquette.

“If you would like a private place for the papers,” Lan Wangji said, “I can provide a case and show you how to construct a locking talisman.”

“Ah, are we still talking about that?” Jin Xuanyu said, not looking up at him. “I told you, I’m burning them.”

Lan Wangji watched his husband eat for another moment or two. He really should sit with him, but to do so felt like a concession that Jin Xuanyu’s meal was normal and nothing at all strange was happening, when the fact was that Jin Xuanyu had been doing something in this room, something with the papers that he did not want Lan Wangji to know about. Perhaps it really was as innocent as updating his supposed ‘diary,’ but Lan Wangji doubted this.

The smell alone was cause for concern. When Lan Wangji focused on it, memories of the Sunshot Campaign surfaced—battlefields. Death. Corpses. But the room didn’t smell like death or rotting flesh. The odor was faintly metallic.

Lan Wangji spotted the smudge on the floor at the same time as he identified the scent.

Blood.

Walking a few steps, Lan Wangji bent down to inspect the floorboards he had only recently repaired. The stain was fresh, smudged as though hastily wiped away. The rest of the floor was clean, but such a small amount of blood would never cause the scent to be so noticeable. Straightening, Lan Wangji looked back at Jin Xuanyu, who was looking back at him, eyes wide as he lowered the bowl from his mouth.

“Were you cut?” Lan Wangji asked.

“No?” Jin Xuanyu did not sound certain about this.

“There is blood.”

“Ah, how strange.” Jin Xuanyu remained where he was.

“I smell it.”

“Ah, Hanguang-jun, so impressive, able to scent blood. You know, I would not share this fact,” Jin Xuanyu said brightly, wagging a finger at him. “They say that certain monsters are able to scent blood; it’s a nefarious talent.”

“Jin Xuanyu.”

“What? Oh. Yes?”

Lan Wangji looked at the floor, then back up at Jin Xuanyu. He was still pale, Lan Wangji saw. Blood loss.

“Well, what makes you think it’s mine, Hanguang-jun?” Jin Xuanyu asked, sounding petulant. “It could be anyone’s blood! You should keep your place cleaner. And more secure! Anyone could just come in here and bleed.”

Lan Wangji walked back to the table, took Jin Xuanyu by the arm, then pulled up. Jin Xuanyu squawked a loud protest, but Lan Wangji was stronger, forcing Jin Xuanyu from where he sat to reveal the papers that had been under him. Lan Wangji reached for them, and they abruptly caught fire.

Whirling, Lan Wangji turned back to look at Jin Xuanyu, who was lowering his hand, having just made a hand seal for fire—not a very effective one, Lan Wangji saw, turning back to the flames. The fire was feeble, already petering out. Lan Wangji waved his hand, expending very little spiritual power to extinguish it, but Jin Xuanyu was already rushing back, gathering the burnt papers to his chest. “I told you!” he exclaimed. “They’re my diary! You wouldn’t read another man’s diary, would you, Hanguang-jun? I thought you were honorable!”

“Tell me,” said Lan Wangji, through gritted teeth, “what is going on.”

“I’m . . .” Jin Xuanyu’s shoulders slumped. “Well, if you must know . . .”

Lan Wangji, waiting, abruptly realized he was furious. He had not had the time to process everything that had happened so far, all the ways that Jin Xuanyu was lying to him, setting actual fires in the Jingshi, cutting himself, hiding it—and they were married. Lan Wangji had married this man this morning, and Lan Wangji could not fully comprehend it. He could not recall feeling so blindly angry since he’d been a teenager; the mixture of hurt and absolute confusion felt exactly the same.

It felt exactly the same, and Lan Wangji suddenly, powerfully wished that Wei Ying was here, if only for Wei Ying to hurt him and confuse him that way again. At least that was a pain that Lan Wangji understood, and it had come from someone he loved. That this stranger could hold such power over Lan Wangji was only a result of the fact that they were married, and Lan Wangji had had his hopes, and now they were meant to live together, side by side, when Jin Xuanyu obviously had so little respect for him. It felt intolerable. It felt unfair.

Lan Wangji took a deep breath, then let it go.

“I was trying to cast a spell,” said Jin Xuanyu.

“With blood,” said Lan Wangji.

“Well, you see . . . it wasn’t exactly a polite spell.”

Lan Wangji put out his hand.

Jin Xuanyu looked down at it.

“The papers,” said Lan Wangji.

“No!” Jin Xuanyu clutched them closer. “These are my . . . notes. On how to do the spell, but it didn’t work. I’m . . . such a poor cultivator, you see.” Jin Xuanyu lit up suddenly. “That’s why I was casting the spell! It’s this body. It’s weak! And . . . small. The—my golden core is just . . . nothing to speak of. I could also be far better looking, don’t you agree?”

Lan Wangji did not know what he was talking about.

#wangxian #my fics #wips

[letteredlettered]

Just want to say that I initially reblogged this while reading Book 4, assuming that this post was completely theoretical.

I have now read Book 6.

#sooooooooooooooooo many statues #hua cheng #you're insane #i quite honestly love how deeply unhealthy all of the love interests are about the protagonists in MXTX stories #tgcf

[letteredlettered]

Lemme just talk for a second about the scene where Xie Lian gets murdered over and over again in his temple on his altar.

Specifically, the paragraph of "it hurts it hurts it hurts" over and over. Usually, I would say that just repeating the same thing over and over for emphasis is not going to make your point. Repetition dulls after about three times. Even reading that scene, my eyes skipped over that paragraph because I could see it was the same thing over and over again.

But you know what's crazy, it did a job and it did it differently and imo better than a lot of scenes like that I've read. Because how do you write about something endlessly being tortured so extremely? One technique is to just talk for a while about how painful it is avoiding exact repetition, but the truth is that this gets repetitive too. A reader can only take so much pain and suffering; after that, it doesn't feel like pain anymore. It feels like bad writing.

Another method, which is I think what you would more commonly see in a "well-written" torture scene and the method I myself would usually employ to write such a thing, is disassociation. We've all heard of or experienced a pain that hurts so bad you almost can't experience it anymore; you can't process; your brain goes to another place because the nerves overload it with too much info. So, the way these scenes are often written is that the person is suddenly outside of their body, watching it happen, or they are suddenly in a memory of a different time, or even the narrator just jumps elsewhere so that when the narrator returns to the immediacy of the pain the viewpoint character is experiencing, everything is sharp again.

MXTX...did not do that. And I think what comes across is that Xie Lian cannot do that. He's trying to get beyond "it hurts it hurts it hurts," to go to some other place in his brain, and he can't escape. The panic of him not being able to escape that temple, that altar, or even that moment in his own mind creates this kind of claustrophobia in which you really do have to experience every. single. sword.

And of course, this is Xie Lian's whole problem ("problem"). He was that he was not able to take a step back. He was not able to remain uninvolved. He had to try to solve every single issue. He had to take every. single. sword.

And he is only able to disassociate when he is completely broken, when he tries to kill himself and can't; his disassociation is so ultimate and almost complete that he becomes someone else entirely. He becomes White No-Face.

And what's wild about Xie Lian is that after he comes back to himself, he knows how to compartmentalize. He knows that it's possible to stop feeling pain. He knows that it's possible to put away hurt and replace it with something else. But Xie Lian chooses not to do that. For Xie Lian, every single sword hurts less than feeling nothing at all.

#suicide #self harm #kind of #torture #violence #disassociation #this scene should have it's own special tw tag #tgcf #xie lian #mxtx