#bc i was in a state of having constant panic attacks that would trigger throat spasms that made it difficult to breath or swallow

[inusmasha]

x

#the news is so fucking horrible #my therapist told me a long time ago that I should take a step back from social media #like a year or two before the pandemic #bc i was in a state of having constant panic attacks that would trigger throat spasms that made it difficult to breath or swallow #anyway I get triggered by constant bad news bc of my shitty nervous system #but it’s calmed down enough where I felt safe coming back to at least tumblr #but god this past week with everything that’s happening in Gaza #me and my partner have been losing it #I don’t understand how we can watch the US gov and Israelí gov literally team up to steamroll an entire people in the span of a few weeks #and I don’t understand why some people find it appropriate to nitpick who’s more oppressed here #like guys hear me out #this might sound crazy #but I think the people trapped in occupied territory currently being bombed and raided rn don’t care about your identity politics #when ppl say that their government are going to another country to /eradicate evil/ in order to prevent another holocaust from happening #um #it’s horrifying #bc capitalism/fascism/hate has justified genocide #via the story of /we have a right to defend ourselves/ #why is it so easy to dehumanize an entire group of people #how did it get to this point? #and tbh I don’t care about the history #this is about how people agree to go to war bc it’s okay if /they/ are the ones doing the oppressing #how you can say /innocent people in Gaza are dying/ and someone else can respond with /it’s not Israel’s problem bc hamas is a terrorist/ #how can you sit there and comfort yourself with this hollow narrative when infrastructure is being destroyed via US funded bombs #their water supply cut their bodies catching diseases #a call to denounce the gov for their actions is not an antisemítico stance #people are dying people are dying people are dying and we keep saying never forget but people are still dying #I feel like I’m choking #I pray for the people of Palestine and the land and the olive groves

[juniperandjustice]

College admins/teachers/programs who get away with discriminating against disabled students.

TW

  The thing about how I got rejected from the program I had worked so hard to get into, at my previous university, bc the head of the program thought that I was incapable due to disabilities (she didn't know what kind- plus, she didn't like me) really traumatized me.  I mean seriously sent me on a downward spiral and added to my existing PTSD.  Ever since I started at my current college and especially now that I've been accepted into the program, I have been constantly terrified and nervous/anxious that at any time, they might decide I'm not fit.  They might not like me.  They might reject me.  I might not be good enough.  It isn't a logical thing, but a constant fear in the back of my mind.  I am extremely stressed and anxious about starting the program this fall.  

I’m now afraid to ask for accommodations or work with the accessibility office AT ALL.  (Though they also say no accommodations for the program itself.)  I’ve used them for prerequisites.  

Even the things they're having us do this summer have me seriously nervous and anxious.  I'm also worried that this mental state, which is very distracting, will affect my memory, cognitive function, ability to focus, and homework/grades/performance- because that is something that happens with me.  The ableism allowed in these programs is astonishing.  

Do people like that have any idea how damaging their choices and remarks can be?  How much hell they caused for me?  How the hell is ongoing?  It affected my health badly, too.  I gained a lot of weight after that and had a lot of illness/infections.  I was hurting in many ways.  I'm still recovering. I chose this subject/career because I knew I was totally capable of everything that would be required of me... but not necessarily if I'm stressed/anxious to distraction.

(I'm not looking for advice/remedies.  I have psych/therapy help and medication and am aware of/using many alternative techniques.) It also means constant nightmares, which makes me afraid to sleep.  I'm exhausted. This might sound horrible, but I kind of hope someday I will have the opportunity to subtly rub it in her/their face(s).

I've had an inferiority complex my whole life and every trauma has made it progressively worse, until I am afraid I'm acting like a shifty, untrustworthy, sketchy klutz because I'm so nervous that someone will see that I'm not worthy or good enough and I'm trying NOT to act that way, but it's like self-fulfilling. I had a massive panic attack a couple evenings ago that lasted about 2.5 hours and I cried until I was sick. My eyes are still swollen and I still have the migraine and sore throat. My PTSD got triggered badly.

#PTSD #CPTSD #school #university #college #education #disability #discrimination #ableism #ableist #trauma #anxiety #panic disorder #panic attack #fear #cognitive #disabled #prejudice #medical education #medical school #bigot #bigots #bigoted #accommodations #ADA #ability #capable #traumatized #tw #trigger warning