#bridgerton modern au | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebabblingbrookenook · 1 year

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Not Like This

Pairings: Anthony Bridgerton x Female Reader

Summary: You’ve kept your feelings for Anthony in check for a long time. That all changes when he crosses that line himself. Can you move forward together, or will this drive you apart?

Warnings: Foreplay, Heavy Petting, Fondling, Plenty of other good stuff

Word Count: 6.4K

Author’s Note - @colettebronte what would I do without you to read over all my tippy-tappies. Thank you so much.

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Lies!

It was always a lie with him. How were you ever supposed to get over your trust issues when the person you thought you would never have to second guess constantly led you astray? His word was supposed to be as good as gold. If you couldn’t rely on the local weatherman, then how could you possibly be expected to rely on anyone else?

Staring out your living room window, you scowled at the rain pouring from the sunless sky. This day was far from the promised clear skies with a light breeze. It was the exact opposite, and it laughed in the face of all of your scheduled plans. Plans that you had been looking forward to for days. Plans that weren’t easily rescheduled due to the company they required.

Anthony was almost impossible to pin down these days. When you met at uni, you were both unencumbered, free to do exactly as you pleased. There weren’t any responsibilities lurking over you like a wet blanket. If he called you at 1 AM on a weeknight you could talk to him about nothing for two hours until he would finally fall asleep. If you invited him out at the last minute to grab a bite to eat, he’d drop whatever he was doing and meet you at the hole-in-the-wall pub you loved to frequent. But you weren’t at uni anymore. You were both proper adults now. Well, at least he was. You were giving it your best effort, but still found yourself flailing most of the time.

You missed him. You missed the way things used to be. The easy laughter and the companionship. The sense of being understood and feeling less alone. You missed arguing with him over stupid things that didn’t matter. You missed spending Sundays with his chaotic family, and watching him transform into a completely different person in the presence of his mother. And even though you shouldn’t, you really, really shouldn’t, you missed the ache in your chest when he smiled at you. The heat that blushed your skin whenever he touched you. Even though you knew those touches were never meant as more than friendship.

Those were dangerous feelings. Feelings that you had murdered a long time ago. You had to, there was no other choice. You were friends and nothing more. If you let yourself imagine any other reality for too long, it would have ruined it all. Anthony was the kind of man that it would be easy to love, and that was a trap that you weren’t willing to walk into.

But that didn’t stop you from missing him. It didn’t stop you from the ugly jealousy you felt when you took a back seat every time he got a new girlfriend. It didn’t stifle your rage when one of those aforementioned women mishandled the fragile, loving heart that he liked to keep hidden below the surface. His current infatuation was the worst offender of them all. Siena…

The on-again off-again nature of their relationship was exhausting to watch. He wasn’t perfect, he made his share of contributions to their toxic dynamic, but never in your life had you seen him allow himself to be treated this way. She held him under some sort of spell that you would never understand. The man that you knew, normally confident to an obnoxious level, was reduced to crippling insecurity when they were in one of their down-swings. Unfortunately for everyone else, that insecurity usually presented itself as frustration and anger, making him unbearable to be around at times.

That’s normally when you lost him to his other mistress - work. You would never begrudge him the success that he had built for himself. You were proud of him for everything that he had achieved. Running a thriving company at the age of thirty-two was no small feat. It was just disappointing when he buried himself there, once again leaving you at the mercy of his robust schedule. You were forced to live on whatever meager scraps he had left to give.

Which brings you back to now. Your throat burned with the effort to hold back your tears when you read his easily predicted request to reschedule.

A: It’s really coming down out there. Can we maybe do this when there isn’t a real threat of drowning?

You rolled your eyes. He could be so fussy sometimes. You would have been willing to be soaked to the bone if it meant spending some time with him. Not ready to give up just yet, you sent an alternate solution.

Y: Coward… Maybe we could go visit your mum instead. I haven’t seen her for ages. We could bring dinner.

His answering response took longer than it should have. Your stomach twisted in knots while those three little dots taunted you. You were expecting paragraphs, but what you got instead…

A: Don’t be mad…

Your heart sank. This didn’t bode well.

Y: Too late. That definitely shouldn’t have been your opening statement if you had any hope of avoiding my wrath. Now I’m primed for conflict. Explain…

You tried to deflect with humor to hide the true extent of your disappointment.

A: Good to know. I��ll adjust my tactics for the next time I fuck up…

A: Violet Bridgerton would be overjoyed to see you. You should go… I just can’t come with you.

Y: Uh oh. Why not? Did you piss her off again? I told you to dial it back with the mansplaining, Ant.

A: I DO NOT MANSPLAIN!

A: I just know a lot about a lot. I offer my wisdom where I can with simple and efficient instruction. It’s called being helpful.

Y: Did you just mansplain mansplaining to me? You’re unbelievable…No wonder your mum doesn’t want to hang out with you.

A: Good God, you’re bratty. My mother adores me.

Y: Then why can’t we go visit her tonight?

A: Well… when it started pissing down rain I assumed we wouldn’t be able to go hiking. I knew you wouldn’t mind postponing for more sensible weather, so I made plans for my evening. You deserve the day you had your heart set on, not consolation plans. We’ll map out a whole day… Just for us. I promise…

The day you had your heart set on… You didn’t need hiking for that, just him. It took everything in you not to respond with bitterness.

Y: You promise?

A: I swear it. Still friends?

Y: TBD

~~~~~~~~~~

The rain stopped two hours later… It was clear now, that nature, and maybe even the weatherman, was openly mocking you. All you could do was laugh at the absurdity. If you didn’t laugh, you might cry, and nobody wanted that. You needed to find something to do. Something that would take your mind off the lingering disappointment that was trying to coax you back into bed for the rest of the day.

You decided to visit Violet. You didn’t need Anthony for that. The two of you had grown close over the years, developed a relationship of your own. The fact that you had been waiting for an invitation from her son to pop by for a visit suddenly seemed ludicrous.

Like he usually was, Anthony had been right about his mother’s joy in seeing you. When she opened her door to find you standing awkwardly on her steps, she hugged you so tightly it practically squeezed the life from you. When you offered to take her out for a late lunch, she declared that idea nonsense and insisted that you come in and catch up. Her chef had prepared a generous midday spread in anticipation of Colin stopping by. Apparently Violet had volunteered to watch the little ones while Colin surprised his wife, Penelope, with a weekend trip for her birthday.

“I’m so glad you decided to come and see me today,” Violet said, handing you a perfectly made fresh cup of tea. It was no surprise that she didn’t even need to ask how you took it. “I was just thinking about you this morning. Anthony had mentioned that you planned to spend the day together…”

You didn’t miss her subtle attempt at finding out why you weren’t currently with her son. You always had a sense that Violet was quietly rooting for the two of you to end up together. You didn’t have the heart to tell her that you were nothing more than friends.

“We rescheduled,” you smiled tightly, taking a sip from your tea.

Almost imperceptibly, her eyes narrowed, and then softened as she observed you. It was impossible to hide from her. “We… or he,” she asked knowingly.

“We both agreed hiking might be better on a day when it wasn’t pouring.” Her unspoken interrogation tactics sent you into an anxious babble. “I asked if he wanted to do something else, but he already had plans. It’s fine. I know he’s busy. He promised to set aside a day just for us.”

“Being busy doesn’t justify being inconsiderate, dear. His father and I taught him better than that,” she huffed in frustration. “I love my son, but you’re too easy on him.”

You felt yourself sink in your chair. “I don’t think I’m too easy on him. I just know how much he has on his plate. I’m trying to be con- …” You paused on the last word, realizing the trap she had expertly set for you.

“Considerate?” Violet smirked, finishing your sentence.

“Fair enough,” you conceded. “I brush it off just as much for my benefit as for his. It takes a lot of energy to be mad at him, and he’s a lot better at arguing than me. Besides, I know it is never his intention to hurt my feelings.”

Violet sighed, clearly weighing how to proceed. “Regardless of his intentions, however benign they might be, he still needs to know when something he’s done has hurt you. Aside from Benedict, you’re his best friend. If anyone has the privilege of being direct with him, it’s you. Anthony is brilliant in a lot of ways, but emotional intelligence is not his strong suit. He’ll gladly take the path of least resistance if you let him. As long as it is easier to disappoint you than someone else…” She held your gaze, making sure you were listening to her words. “Well, you’ll never be prioritized in the way you deserve if there isn’t a consequence for him to consider. I know he values you, but darling, occasionally you’ve got to make him work for it.”

His words from earlier in the day echoed in your mind. I knew you wouldn’t mind… so I made other plans. God, that was pathetic. She was right, he knew exactly how much he could get away with, and it was nobody’s fault but your own. Could he take his head out of his ass every once in a while and see below the surface - yes. Was it fair to expect him to read your mind - probably not.

“Make him work for it, huh?” You asked, a trace of a smile playing on your lips.

“Oh, absolutely. When have you ever known Anthony to shy away from a good challenge?” She patted your hand affectionately. “I think the person you need to worry about having a little more consideration for is yourself, y/n.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Your afternoon with Violet had given you a lot to think about. If you wanted things to change, you needed to do your part. It was going to take a lot of trial and error, and it was probably going to be messy and uncomfortable for a while, but he was worth it. Your relationship with him was worth it. You were worth it.

You wouldn’t lie, it scared you. But the idea of resenting him scared you even more. For years now, he has been the one solid presence in your life. He was fiercely protective, loving you in the ways that he knew how, showing you parts of himself that you suspected others were not privy to. That wasn’t something that you took lightly, and it wasn’t something you were willing to gamble with. If a potential fight with him now meant the possibility of having him close years from now… you’d risk it all.

It was well past dark now, the rain had resumed its onslaught, and you were huddled safely beneath the warmth of your favorite cashmere throw on the sofa. Book in hand, your eyes scanned the words on the page, begging them to take you somewhere else. In the end, your efforts were fruitless. After the third pass over the same sentence, you admitted defeat. Your mind refused to be dragged away from him. You were going to need assistance. Wine, you needed wine.

Reluctantly, you uncurled from your blanket and trudged off in the direction of the kitchen. You had just turned the corner down the hall when the buzzer at your front door sounded, freezing you in place. With the intensity that you were currently staring at said door, you would have thought you could see right through it.

A quick glance at your phone told you it was far too late for any rational person to come round.

Inching slowly towards the door, you jumped when the loud, incessant buzzer sounded again. Your heart thrummed in your chest. Anyone showing up at nearly midnight couldn’t be anything other than trouble.

You pressed your ear against the sturdy wood door, listening for any signs of distress or malintent. Silence, aside from the heavy beating of the rain.

“Who’s there?” you braved.

“Open up and find out,” replied a muffled voice, distorted by the thick wooden door separating you. You were kicking yourself for not heeding Anthony’s suggestion to install a peep hole. He could never know about this…

Leaving the chain latched, you cautiously cracked the door open just wide enough to peek out.

Standing there, sopping wet and shivering with the cold, was Anthony Bridgerton. His brilliant smile was only made more adorable by the chattering of his teeth. He held up a bag of Chinese take-away from your favorite local spot. No doubt an attempt to wiggle back into your good graces. Or maybe he just knew that the promise of food would at the very least grant him access over the threshold.

“Dumplings for my Dumplin’...” he beamed. When you made no move to unlatch the lock, his lip jutted out in a pout that he borrowed from his brother. “Oh, come on Sass. Let me in. You don’t want me to catch a chill, do you?”

Standing your ground, you schooled your features, hiding the slight lifting at the corners of your mouth. He only used that nickname when he was prepared to resort to Level 5 groveling. Sass, short for Sassy, previously known as Sassy Pants.

“You must really think I’m easy, huh? You thought I would just open wide at the sight of you holding wontons?” You heard the unintended innuendo the moment the words left your mouth. “What kind of girl do you take me for?”

The smirk he now wore was trouble personified. “You know you want it, Sass. I even got the special sauce you like. And if that’s not enough,” he paused, pulling something from behind his back. “I also brought wine.”

Now he was speaking your language. Without saying a word, you closed the door in his face and took your time unlatching the metal chain from its sheath. The look on his face was priceless when you reappeared a moment later. “For a second there I thought you might actually leave me out here.”

“Me too,” you admitted, only half joking. “But that’s a good bottle of wine.”

He followed you down the hall towards the living room to deposit your bribe on the coffee table. When you went to make your way to the kitchen he reached out to gently clutch your wrist, effectively halting your steps. “Ah, ah, ah,” he tutted. “You sit down and get comfy. I’ll grab us some plates.”

“Okay,” you shrugged, nuzzling back into your previously vacated spot on the sofa. “The wine glasses are…”

“I know where they are,” he grinned, draping your blanket over your lap. “Give me a second. I’ll be right back.”

He returned a moment later with his arms full, balancing the items with precision and grace. You always loved watching the way he moved. Every step was laced with purpose and intention. Every turn of his head, or flex of his fingers radiated capability. His shoulders were built to carry responsibility. His posture was centered and balanced. Poised to lead. It was comforting - the way he was just so… Anthony.

He took his place next to you on the sofa, pouring you a healthy glass of wine. “What are you doing here, Anthony?”

“Do I need a reason other than I wanted to see you…” he asked without meeting your eyes, piling food onto plates for the both of you.

Your mouth watered from the wafting scent of steamed dumplings being pushed into your lap as a hopeful distraction. He was clever to ply you with food and drink, but it wasn’t enough to nullify the suspicion building in your brain. “If it were six o’clock, then no, you wouldn’t need any other reason. But at midnight… I have a hard time believing you just couldn’t live without seeing me until morning. So how about we try this again. What are you doing here, Ant?”

He finally looked up from his food to face your questioning. “I had a shit day and I was feeling restless. I just needed to be somewhere…” he paused, an unsettling despondency creeping into the depths of his dark eyes. “... with someone that felt like home. I know I could have gone to Ben’s, but you were the one I really wanted. I miss you. We used to do this kind of thing all the time…”

A snarky response about canceled plans danced on the tip of your tongue but your irritation was quickly losing steam. Something about the slump of his shoulders and the set of his jaw made your eyes burn with unshed tears. Releasing the last remnants of bitterness, you plopped a dumpling into your mouth and lovingly chastised him. “You could have at least called instead of showing up like a crazy person in the middle of the night.”

“Why,” he grinned. “Did I scare you?”

“No.” you protested immediately.

Glossing over your false declaration, he teased, “You could have avoided the fear if you would have just let me install the security system I recommended.”

A change of subject was in order. “So, you had a rough day, huh?”

He shot you an incredulous look that told you he was well aware of your redirect but he relented nonetheless. If the size of his answering sigh was any correlation, it was a rough day indeed. “How much time do you have?”

“Apparently, all night,” you smirked before popping another dumpling in your mouth.

“Do you remember the Whitehall account I was telling you about?”

You sat back and let him get everything out. Most of the time very little participation was required of you in these types of conversations. He looked for your occasional affirmation or nod of agreement, but for the most part, he always worked it all out on his own. He just needed to process out loud to another person.

Over the next hour, the two of you polished off your midnight dinner and opened a second bottle of wine. It was a relief to just be in his presence. There was nothing to get between you. No distracting work calls or annoying girlfriends to pull at his attention. The sound of his laugh eased the ache in your chest. This was the day you had your heart set on. You didn’t need an activity or a fancy outing - just him.

When his eyes closed, head drooping to rest on the back of the sofa, you gathered your dinner plates and walked them into the kitchen. You’d wake him once you’d finished tidying and prepped the guest room for him to crash in for the night.

You were elbow deep in soapy water when you felt him come up behind you, reaching his arms around you to place your empty wine glasses in the sink. Instead of immediately moving away, he lingered, the heat from his body caressing down your spine. Pressing his chest to your back, his arms locked around your middle, squeezing you in a tight hug. You let your head fall back to rest on his shoulder.

“Thanks for tonight,” his voice was soft and low in your ear.

Not ready for the embrace to end, you brought one soapy hand to clutch his forearm that held tight to your waist. “I’m glad you came. Even if it was at an unreasonable hour.”

The breath from his laugh tickled your neck as he bent to bury his face in your shoulder. You weren’t complaining, but this was an unusually long hug. His nose nuzzled against you, and you melted into him.

“You smell nice,” he purred. His hands unlocked from around you and his fingers brushed along your waist, settling on your hips with a firm grip. “You feel nice too.”

Your body froze against his. What was happening? He’d never spoken to you like this before, let alone felt you up. His roaming hands were making it hard for you to think. The close proximity was covering you in a lusty fog, throwing your reasoning skills out the window. Your entire body was humming with excitement, begging that small part of your brain that still had questions to shut the hell up. This was Anthony… your best friend. Dangerous, this was dangerous. But on the other hand, this was Anthony… Gorgeous, sexy, tempting Anthony. The same Anthony that snuck into your dreams at night to unravel you - mind, body, and soul. This would literally be a fantasy.

“Anthony,” your voice was breathy and dazed. “What are you doing?”

“Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time,” his lips pressed into the skin at your jaw. “This feels so good. Do you want to feel good with me?”

His words dripped down your body like warm honey, collecting at the apex of your thighs. A surge of desire spread through you like a wildfire, sending your heartbeat into a crazed frenzy. Answering his question, you captured one of his hands, sliding it up your body to cup your breast. The warmth of his palm seeped through the thin fabric of the tank-top your wore sans bra. You were dressed for bed when he showed up on your doorstep, wearing little more than a camisole, drawstring pj shorts, and fuzzy socks.

There was a sudden intake of breath at your brazen form of consent. He held you securely, lightly squeezing to get a feel for the weight of you. Your nipples hardened at his touch, clearly visible beneath the pale pink cotton separating your skin from his.

Moving forward, he pressed into your body, pinning your hips between him and the cold marble countertop. You could feel him, firm and commanding, growing harder in his snug jeans. His mouth tasted every inch of your skin from your earlobe to shoulder as he drug the thin strap down your arm. His lips left a trail of electricity in their wake, each spot they touched creating a new pulse point beneath the surface.

Turning your face to him with a gentle pull, those devilish, hungry lips finally devoured yours. Of all the times you thought about kissing him, not one compared to the real thing. Your senses were bum-rushed, temporarily rendering you deaf, mute, and blind. But the taste of him… God! It enveloped you, forever altering your palate. Sweets would never be as sweet, and salt would lose its bite. Flavors you once craved would now always seem bland in comparison.

His tongue was strong and insistent, exploring your mouth with fervor, coaxing yours to play with him. The intensity of what was happening was starting to make you lightheaded. Only when he broke the kiss were you able to acknowledge the existence of anything outside of where your bodies touched.

Your lust-filled eyes watched as your top was pulled down, exposing your breasts to his onslaught. The look he gave you was deadly as he cupped you tightly and bent his head to suck your puckered nipple into his mouth. The wet heat of his tongue swirling around had you shivering in his arms. You could feel your legs go slack, his body now keeping you from slumping to the floor.

His free hand ventured to the knot in the drawstring of your shorts, expertly untangling the silk bow. He had always been good at multitasking and this was no exception.

Very slowly, his fingers pushed past the elastic band resting against your tummy, and went in search of the welcoming slit between your legs. His fingernails scraped across your skin as they traveled through your pubic hair, finally gliding inside to find you dripping with desire. The unhurried, languorous strokes liquified your bones. You were about to cross the point of no return. Soon, you would lose all sense of reason. You had to decide now. Were you really going to fuck your bestfriend? Your body screamed a resounding “Hell yes,” but your heart was waving frantically for your attention.

You needed to know what this meant before anything else happened. You needed to know if this was real. You knew yourself well enough to know that you wouldn’t be able to walk away from something this monumental unchanged. After all this time, why now?

“Anthony, wait…” His hand stilled but he didn’t remove it. “I need to ask you something.”

“Mmm, what’s that,” he hummed, still nibbling along the cord of your neck.

You almost stopped yourself from asking because you were afraid of the answer, but you needed to know. “Who were you with tonight before you came here?”

Every inch of him went rigid. He pulled his hand from your shorts and splayed it across your abdomen in a steadying gesture. “Y/n…” he whispered, almost begging you not to make him say it. He knew you wouldn’t like the answer.

“Were you with her?” You had to gather the courage to say her name. “Siena?”

His silence was deafening. His voice startled you when he finally spoke. “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter. You’re the one I want to be with right now.”

Right now… That was where your fear lived. Was this just a pleasant distraction for him? Something to get lost in for a few hours before running back to her. Your heart was already breaking.

Gently, you stepped out of his reach and adjusted your clothes so that you were fully covered. Without a drop of anger, you said, “We can’t, Anthony. I can’t…”

The look of pure devastation that darkened his face almost sent you straight back into his arms. “Did I misread? That kiss… that was… it felt like you wanted this too. Is it me? Have I done something wrong?”

You were reaching out for him before you even registered that your feet were moving. “Anthony, no. Of course not. I do want this, and that’s the problem. If I’m being honest with myself, I think I’ve wanted this for a long time. I want it. I want you. Just not like this…”

“I don’t understand,” his brow was creased with worry.

Violet’s words from earlier that day were echoing in your mind. She was right. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. You had already decided that your relationship with Anthony was worth the risk of upsetting the balance a little. This was a prime example of that. Twenty-four hours ago, you wouldn’t have stopped him. You would have convinced yourself that this was what he needed, and you would deal with your own repercussions later. But now…

“I’m afraid,” you confessed.

Panic flashed over his face. “Of me?”

“If we sleep together, I’m going to love you.” You met his troubled gaze. “And I can’t afford to love you if this isn’t real.”

“You don’t believe this is real for me?” Hurt… he was hurt.

“I think part of it is real,” you blinked back your tears. “But can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that some part of this wasn’t because she hurt you tonight?”

“It’s over between us. We’re finished. There is nothing left worth turning back to. And when I finally realized that, I saw things with more clarity. You…us… it’s the only thing that makes sense.”

You could feel the adrenaline coursing through you. He was saying things that you always wanted to hear, but was it enough? “Will you still feel this way a month from now? Because I will…”

He stepped closer, taking both of your hands in his. “Yes, I think I will.”

“I need you to know, Ant. I need you to be certain. You’re too important to me to risk crossing that line for a maybe. And I don’t want our beginning to be built on someone else’s ruins.”

A single, silent tear dripped down your cheek. This was a lot harder than you thought it was going to be.

He pulled you in, crushing you against his chest. “I’m sorry, y/n. I’m sorry. You mean everything to me. Please don’t hate me for this.”

Wrapping your arms around him, you allowed yourself a moment of indulgence. His warmth and familiarity were soothing, and the faint scent of amber that lingered on his clothes from his cologne brought you to a place of safety. You committed it all to memory, storing the moment in your heart, just in case this was the last time…

Reluctantly, you removed yourself. You needed distance for what came next. “Anthony, I don’t hate you. I’m not sure I could ever hate you. But…”

The words were stuck in your throat as you bargained with yourself not to cry.

“Say it,” he begged. “Please, just say it. I can’t take the silence.”

“Sometimes I feel like an afterthought, and that, I do hate. It hurts, Anthony. I think of you constantly. About what you need, about how you feel. I know you care for me. I know that… but sometimes this friendship is unbalanced. That’s partially my fault. I never told you what I needed. I never asked for more. So, this is me asking.”

“I - I didn’t realize… What can I do? Tell me how to fix this,” he implored.

“Consider me,” you poured out. “Prioritize me on occasion. See beyond yourself to the person standing in front of you. Did you even think about what something this huge would mean for me in our relationship? Did you think about tomorrow? Did you weigh my risks when you weighed yours? You and me… it’s one of the only good things I have, so I have to protect it. I know it’s different for you, and that’s okay. I just… I just need you to think of me, because it’s hard for me to think of myself.”

Determination transformed his posture. “I can do that. I promise to take my head out of my ass if you promise to keep being honest with me. You’re a better liar than you think, Sass.” His thumb swiped across your cheek, wiping away a tear. “Maybe this makes me an idiot, but I was completely in the dark that you were feeling any of this. You’re always so strong and unbothered. So easy… but I should have known better. I could have looked harder. Just know, it was never because I didn’t care. I trust you implicitly, so when you tell me you’re fine, I take you at your word. I never want you to think that I find it easy to set you aside. I took you for granted, and that hurt you. I’m sorry - truly. It was never my intention.”

You smiled up at him, exhaustion suddenly soaking through to settle in your bones. “I know, Anthony. I know.”

His remorseful expression was laced with pain and sadness. “Do you want to know what hurts me in all of this?”

The thought of being the one to cause him pain was like a punch to the gut, but the two of you had decided on honesty, and it was only fair that he should be able to speak freely. You gave him a silent nod and braced yourself. “It hurts to know how much of yourself you hid from me. It hurts to know that there is at least a small part of you that doesn’t trust me enough to let me see those pieces. Like you’re just waiting for me to let you down and prove yourself right. If you want me to see you, really see you, you have to give me a fighting chance. You have to let me look.”

True terror took hold of you at his words. “And if you don’t like what you see?”

“Then we face our demons together. You show me yours and I’ll show you mine. We trust each other. We make each other better. I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

“No,” you assured him. “I’m not going anywhere either.”

“That’s a relief,” he laughed, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand.

“So, what now…” you asked nervously. This was new ground and your legs were still shaky.

“Now - now I go home. It’s late. We’re both exhausted. This was a lot, but I don’t regret it. None of it. Do you?”

“No,” you whispered. “I’m still a little shaken, and definitely… stimulated, but no. No regrets.”

“Stimulated, huh?” He smirked, quickening your heart rate with a single look. “Are you sure you don’t wan-”

“Anthony…” you cut him off.

“I know, I know. Not like this. I can respect that… even though it’s killing me not to touch you right now.”

“Yeah, it’s going to be a long night,” you agreed.

You walked him to the front door so that you could lock up behind him. He watched you with amusement while you unlatched the chain and twisted the bolts keeping the dangers of the outside world at bay. “You really should let me install that security system.”

“Goodnight, Anthony,” you offered him a resigned sigh.

He turned to you from the small porch outside your door. He was lingering, but you didn’t mind. You could feel the words building in him, gathering courage and composure. “Can I see you tomorrow,” he asked, the fear of rejection hovering over him.

“I’d like that.” It would be so easy to invite him back inside and let goodnight turn into good morning, but you only possessed so much self control. “Call me… AFTER 10AM, please. Someone rudely kept me up half the night.”

“What an inconsiderate prick,” he scowled playfully.

Your laughter was cut short when he took a very intentional step into your space. Slowly, as not to spook you, he lifted a hand to the side of your face, sliding his fingers into your hair to hold you by the neck. His eyes bore into yours, perfectly conveying the need that was now burning in his chest. Your tongue reflexively ran over your lips, wetting them in preparation. You didn’t step away. You didn’t break his stare. One more kiss wouldn’t make a difference, right?

He was gentle this time, tentative even. But when that familiar taste washed over your tongue, you opened your mouth for him, welcoming the invasion. You fought the urge to wrap yourself around him and drag him to the ground right then and there.

When he finally pulled away, you were both panting and out of breath. “Sass…” the low vibration of his voice snaked its way down your body, curling deliciously deep in your stomach. “Tomorrow… A month from now… It doesn’t matter. How I feel isn’t going to change. I know you need more than words. Promise me that you’ll let me prove it to you.”

“I’ll try.” It was all you had to give right now.

“Me too.” And then he was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sleep was a stranger to you for most of the night. Competing images clamored through your brain for hours after he left. The feel and the taste of him. The pain and confusion behind his eyes. Your own fear threatened to rise up and wash you out to sea.

The relentless tossing and turning only served to deepen your exhaustion. Eventually, you accepted your fate and dragged yourself from bed and went in search of coffee.

The rain still refused to ease, casting a dreary grey over everything. The idea of sitting alone, pathetically waiting by the phone for Anthony was unbearable. This new state of limbo that you found yourself in was the most unsettled you had ever been. You were standing on a terrifying precipice. No matter what happened, your life was going to drastically change. Too much was said for things to stay the same. You would either move forward, together, or, you would go separate ways.

Not knowing was a special kind of torture. Even the worst case scenario outcome would come as a relief. At least then the waiting would be over.

You had to chastise yourself for the better part of the morning. Old habits really did die hard. You tried, because you promised him that you would. You tried to stop anticipating the dreaded other shoe. You tried to not assume that he had spent the whole night thinking about what a colossal mistake he was making with you. You tried to believe that he would prove it.

Consumed by your internal battle, you almost didn’t hear your phone buzzing.

It was Anthony - one minute past ten.

He sounded relieved to hear your hello. “You answered,” he sighed.

“You called,” was your reply.

“I was up all night,” his sleepy voice confessed.

“Yeah, me too.”

A long, pregnant pause filled the space between you.

“Day number one, Sass. I haven’t changed my mind. Are you ready to let me start proving it to you?”

This was it, the moment you had been begging for all morning. The moment that ended the waiting.

“I’ll try,” you promised with a smile bright in your voice.

________________________________________

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