#but also my therapist is very good and I'll be sad but proud to see her graduate in may | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orlaogden · 2 years

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The High Priestess The Hierophant The Hermit Death The Sun The World

And Asia wants to know so badlyyy The Star

Thank you for asking 💗🌷

That's going to be a long one, so I'm hiding the answers bc who cares, lol.

The High Priestess ▸ How do you improve your intuition?

It's a very good question, and not the easiest one! I wouldn't mind some tips too.

However, I can definetely say that intuition doesn't like overthinking, so calming the mind and meditating probably would be gread (I'm not good at this). Plus studying\reading tarot is great for that purpose too (and some following practices like the card of the day).

The Hierophant ▸ What’s something about your culture or tradition that you’re proud of?

*nervous laughter*

That's a tricky one considering current highly depressing situation. After some thought process I decided on the following:

Dacha culture. I bet nobody expected that one. Like every summer you go to your lil shabby house in the village, spend a lot of time in the nature, grow your own veggies, swim in the river... I fucking hated gardening when I was a kid but I've learnt to be proud of the result of hard work and learnt to respect mother earth. It's not at all cotagecore pretty, but quite beautiful in nature. Well, and nature itself is magnifisent. Those summer thunderstorms were thrilling. Gosh, I want my dacha back (we sold it).

P. S. Also dachas are great for surviving during crises.

And the second one. I've came to the conclusion that the thing tying me to my country the most is the language. Of course I can write/speak in broken English and learn other languages, but I'll never be as fluent and eloquent as in Russian. I just love my language. I love how I can express my thoughts on this language. I'm proud of it, its richness and literary history.

Thinking abt feelings sometimes easier in English.

Lets add something pompous, this question is begging for it.

As Turgenev put:

In days of doubt, in days of sad brooding on my country’s fate, thou alone art my rod and my staff — oh great, mighty, true and free Russian tongue! But for thee, how not to fall into despair, seeing all that happens at home? Yet who can think that such a language is not given to the great people?

I wish it was more free btw.

Bonus:

Aaand I'm proud of Baba Yaga, I see she became quite popular here, he-he.

The Hermit ▸ Do you like being alone?

I prefer being alone in the company of myself to being alone in the "crowd" (if it makes sense). So, yes I do, and I love this card.

Death ▸ What experience has changed you for the better?

Experience of being tought by some really cool people. At least I think they were\are cool.

The Sun ▸ What makes you feel like a kid again?

Moments when I want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out. #totaleclipseofthesun

Ice cream.

Playing Genshin.

The World ▸ What are your goals?

For the last 3 years all my major goals have been repitedly jeopardized by outer circumstances (as it was for many other people), so now I'm trying to be very cautious about any plans and goals.

But lets say: finish working on the reading diary for the philologists, find a good job, write a book.

Bonus question for dear Asia:

The Star ▸ How do you take care of yourself?

Learning Italian as a form of self-care:

Sometimes it gets too philosophical (and not so therapeutic):

3 my main therapists: music, fanfiction and tarot (actually I have 2 decks :Р). Besides that, it's always nice to go for a walk, drink tea, read\watch something good, do exercises for the eyes (I wish I did it more often), write to give an outlet for piled up emotions.

#my asks

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searchupthisblog · 8 months

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A few weeks ago I told my therapist that I think I'm trans

She responded well

I don't know what I expected, she seems pretty open minded

After I told her I fought with it for a week, until our next session

I told her about my struggle with backtracking, taking three steps back for every one step forward every time I tell someone I'm trans or make a step towards being truer to myself

She told me she thought I was definitely some sort of queer

It made me feel better

Since then, the heavy burden on my shoulders, the burden of knowing yourself but being too afraid to be that person, has been lighter

Being trans has been less scary this week, for the first time in a very long time, I almost feel proud again

It's a very fragile proud, I'm still afraid, I'm holding it like a tiny bird egg in my hands, but it's not nothing

Today I looked at the instagram page for my cousins wife, she is a person I deeply dislike

My cousin is one of the best people I know, kind and compassionate, selfless and honest, funny and loving, he's everything a person would hope to be and more

He's was also the perfect boyfriend, and now perfect husband, and his wife prances around with him like he's her prize, her trophy husband, she says in all her instagram posts how they were "meant to be" she makes a big show out of how perfect their relationship is, and I can't help but think my cousin doesn't look completely happy, he looks a little empty

I wish I liked her like everyone else, I wish I could buy into the delusion, but for me it's impossible not to notice her metaphorical death grip on his arm, the incredibly inappropriate levels of jealousy, the control

She reminds me of his Mother

His Mother loves her

I hate his Mother

It struck me after looking at this girls instagram, that when I look at the social media profiles of the girls I used to know, I feel lesser. I feel sad, and on some subconcious level, like I've failed at being a woman.

I feel a lot of joy when looking at fellow trans peoples pages and art, I love seeing how happy they look in their timeline photos, but when I look at these trans people after looking at these girls pages, I feel the need to reject me being trans. The joy I felt 5 minutes earlier feels contaminated. Mckenna's getting married, Makayla's having a baby, Emily is buying her first house, and I'm sitting in this limbo.

Chronically sick, trans and confused about where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to be.

I'm not embarrassed about the person I've become, quite the contrary, I like myself now hundreds of times more than I liked myself when I was friends with these people. I wouldn't give up the skills and empathy and lessons I've learned for their easily consumable lives and personalities ever. And yet, the insecurity creeps in. The realization that I will never be a normal girl in any sense of that concept, tightens around me in the most uncomfortable way. Wouldn't it be easier if I were like that? Couldn't I grow my hair out again, and start wearing makeup again? I could restart my collection of pushup bras and thongs that I hated, I could get myself the most divine boyfriend and show him off to all my friends. And then I'd feel empty. But it would be simple, wouldn't it? My life would have no substance, and I could just sit in it. And then I could raise children who also grow up to live substanceless lives they can sit in.

Accept, I can't have children.

And the idea of being a mans girlfriend makes me want to shed my skin and run away into some forest somewhere and never come back.

Having long hair made me feel bad about myself every day, and I didn't like what I saw in the mirror until I cut it all off.

Pushup bras hurt my ribs, and I hate when my chest isn't at least somewhat flat.

I miss makeup, I'll say that, I miss the days where it didn't give me dysphoria, I miss when I could put on eyeliner without crying afterwards, I loved the routine of makeup it made me feel good, but alas. It is something different now. Maybe, someday, I will be able to put it on without feeling like I'm being forced into a horrible ugly costume.

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jayflrt · 2 years

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akka LMFAO 🤣 a lot has happened when i slept, you posted three chapters of reparations and i dead ass was shocked thinking i was in the wrong account 😭 please jungwon: a kpop smut fanfic writer?? but those timestamps looked like pyscho.

jungwon literally said "i'm an anti-romantic" 😭😭😭 1) the 12:00 pm timstamp — "when you play the wrong chord, he places his hands over yours and breaks your fingers." 😭😭😭🤧🥲

2) the 4:00 pm timestamp — "he asks you if you can put the star up at the top. when you tell him you're not able to reach it, taehyun grabs another ornament and rocks your shit." naur 🤧🤧🤧

this is just pure ✨shit✨

and jay turning into a fucking human at last, made me feel grateful that he doesn't have to chase over those squirrels(is this spelling right, because i can't spell 🐿️'s right just like you — you 🤝🏻 me)

LMFAO i still can't believe the fact that sunoo committed a robbery along with riki 😭😭😭 akka, you made my day 🤧🤧 sunoo said "i'm riki's partner in crime!" and riki literally said "if i do it, you have to do it too </3"

my english exam went well but i am dissapointed because i wish i could've studied more :( but next time i'm not gonna do like that for my 12th boards 😼😾 and yes i hope to score at least 90% and i'll be grateful with that but my mom expects high and i can't do anything 😔

yes, i took photos with my friends but those friends were not rlly close and they were just you know like with me at the end of the semester 🤧 so i think i have no friends to be honest but i really enjoyed my farewell. coming to the band, they were like those anime boy bands, dreamy and pretty. they sand a rock song actually… btw what are your fav music genres akka??

lmfao, you mentioned a lot of times that you stopped playing piano because your fingers were short 🤣 i think even i'd prefer the acoustic guitar becuase it suits well with the summer and it's pretty calm but the strings might be pretty hard. am i right akka??

idk whether i'll have a break after 11th but most of the colleges start right after the exams are done, so it's basically in mid-june ig?? akka, phy and chem are dead easy when you understand the concept 😼

yes yes we should get our lives together this month and it must be very hard for you to multitask, but i hope you take good rest akka 🥰🥰 also svt is having their comeback and how do you feel??

i hope you get good internship offers, and praying to god for you to get a good salary too 😭🥰 i see psychology is really broad, i thought it only meant for yk human personalities and therapist side, LMFAO i didn't knew it could be this big 😲

i have limited my friendship with the prople and i'm hoping it will change my mindset because i felt like i lost myself making friends online and irl and it's basically sad and happy making these desicions :)

i never had my covid test and i was pretty scared to get my first vaccine and it hurt the whole time 😓

the title track came and it's the fucking "good boys gone bad" that title looks so good and each one them took part in the album and i hope they will find huge success on their way 🤧🤧🤧

also you answering my ask right after your midterm, i'm honoured 🤧 and thank you for saving the tiktok akka </3 yes math will be hard but it's easy since i'm solving more questions and i believe i can do it and you can be more proud of me 😭 literally thank you akka <3

i think that was for the best, moving on from him and i think i feel happy than the rest of the days when i always thought of him and i feel like not suffering anymore and i don't feel lovesick and i'm proud of myself for getting over 😾

someone chasing after me 🔪 we'll see akka, who's gonna enter my little world and i'm definitely gonna tell you about them 😊😳

thank youf or your good works akka, i hope even you get the good things in your life you wish for and i hope i can get into writing once i'm done and get my grammar and vocab done too…😔

i love how you take all your time to answer our asks and i appreciate you so much for doing the work you have done for us and for other people in your life 🥰 you have done great work 😽

— 🦔 (now i'm all good, hehe and one more thing, i find you cute akka 🥺)

HAHAH omg a lot did happen yesterday !! 🤧 i was determined to just finish it all so i posted the last three chapters sorta spaced out ?? :’)) BUT NOOO HE WASNT A SMUT WRITER IT WAS JUST SUNGHOON CLOWNING BC OF THE USERNAME see i had to clarify in the next chapter in the tags 😵‍💫

LMFAOO the second one (4 pm) was actually one i wrote for renjun before 😭 too good i had to allude to it here HAHAH

tbh at one point i forgot ab turning jay back into a human and i forgot jay was even supposed to turn back into one BUT it’s okay bc he’s back now 🫶 LOL u mean sqwirls 😁 (jkjk u got it right 😎) HAHAH POOR SUNOO DIDNT THINK HE’D GET INTO THIS MUCH TROUBLE BECAUSE OF IT THO imagine stealing one (1) book and you end up being cursed to live out your days as a chicken 🤧 tbh maybe this is a Good Message for the fellow kleptos

i’m sure your mom’s proud of you !!! 💖 but good luck and i’m proud whatever the result is :’)) and i’m sure you did great on english! 🥰 and for math as well i’m sure you’ll do great !

oooo i see so they’re more so like acquaintances or just classmates :o i’m glad you enjoyed your farewell tho and that’s so cool that you got to see a band perform 💕 i rlly like chill music like lofi and r&b and pop !! tbh there’s a lot of songs i like so it’s hard to choose but hbu?? 💗💗

HAHAH that’s my go-to sob story with the piano 🤧 also yesyes i found that the strings were harder for the acoustic than the electric !! however i played the violin for four years before that so i was already used to the calloused hands 🤩

omg you start mid june ?? :o that’s when i end school HAHAH but i look forward to hearing about how your new school is !! 🫶 and omfg i always slacked at chem and physics and hardly understood much 😭😭 the easiest for me in chem was balancing equations <//3

and yesyes!!! we WILL get our shit together 🥰 AHHHH IM SO EXCITED FOR SVT i saw jeonghans teaser today and words cannot describe how hyped i am ☹️💖

thank you!!! im praying i get a position somewhere 😭 and omg yeah a lot of ppl have the misconception that psychology is strictly therapy/counseling work but it’s very broad :’))

honestly i think sometimes it takes people different amounts of time to find their real friends so you’ll stumble upon them unexpectedly !! i happened to meet my life long irl and online friends around the same time and i wasn’t expecting either, and it’s great because we all are still close after all these years 🤧

omg you got the vaccine!!! HAHAH tbh i’m pretty good with needles but the vaccine did make my arm pretty sore the second time around i believe :’) did you get a fever or anything? :o

also right !!! i’m so excited for it 🤧💗 i just listened to tamed-dashed japanese ver and it was so good 🥰🫶 i bought the albums too HAHAH when i saw the photocards i knew i had to </3 plus the pobs were too good omg

i’m glad you’re over him if you believe that was the best for you!! it’s nice that you feel happier and lighter now so i’m glad you’re moving on 🥰🥰 and yesyes i’m excited to hear if you find anyone in the future HAHAH

THANK YOU 🥺💗 i hope i get the few things i ask for too HAHAH (just one internship this summer pls god) and omg i hope you can write after your exams are over 🤧💖 do you have any plots in mind?

AND OH MY GOSHH THANK YOU SO MUCH THATS SO SWEET 😭😭💖 I APPRECIATE YALL AND LOVE SEEING WHAT YALL HAVE TO SAY SO ITS RLLY AN HONOR TO RECEIVE THESE ASKS SO THANK YOUU and omg thank you for finding me cute 🥰🥰💕 hope ur day/night is going well love !!

#💌 : love notes #🦔 anon

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thebadboyfanclub · 3 years

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The Sun And Moon (Pete Davidson x Reader)

Heyyyyyy besties! So I'm back with another white boy of the month. I would like to warn you that this will be mentioning Pete's BPD and the reader will be mentioned as somebody that has had traumatic experiences however i am not mentioning what does that imply so don't worry about it. Other than that I hope you enjoy!

Being with Pete was almost a gift and a curse, you were so different yet so alike. The ultimate example of twinflames, the yin and yang. If someone had to describe what you two were like was that (y/n) was like the sun, a warm personality with kindness and such just overall this untouchable beauty from inside and out, also she adores to be under the sun, Pete sometimes found her as she laid on the floor next to her cat just so she can enjoy the warm rays, sometimes she would have her crystals (Pete called them "magic rocks") which Pete found so adorable, also as the weather got warmer she got happier.

Pete was the moon, a little bit more moody, mysterious, yet alluring, he intrigued anyone that was around him. Unlike (y/n) Pete was a night owl, he liked late night drives, staying up all night just smoking weed and watching movies, he liked the silence that the nightfall brought, he felt more at peace with the idea of relaxing and enjoying the darkness that others feared. Many times (y/n) woke up in the middle of the night and found him on her balcony, just sitting there and enjoying the view.

People around them brought up that comparison so much that they even got it as a couples tattoo, (y/n) got the sun behind her ear and Pete got the moon on his left middle finger cause he found it funny. However the curse was that they had to learn how to be around one another, yes they had similarities but they weren't quite the same situations.

Pete was a comedian, (y/n) was an author, both of them had to sometimes sit their ass down and think of something to write, but the circumstances were different.

"Baby I'm here"

Pete said as he shut the door of (y/n)'s apartment, dropping his pair of keys on the bowl that she had conveniently placed on a piece of furniture right next to her front door. Pete waited for an answer while taking off his shoes, (y/n) liked structure and she was a very neat person, another thing Pete had to learn, he wasn't dirty but he was a tad bit of messy so when he was at her apartment (which basically had become his also) he was careful with how he did things.

Silence greeted him back, he sucked in his teeth as he realized exactly why this was happening. (Y/n) had mentioned that she was writing the second book of her fantasy novel and she was in a bit of a writer's block, she had so many fresh ideas however when it came to writing them down sometimes her mind just wouldn't co operate and she just couldn't get it down in a way that she found right. He left the take out food on the small coffee table and continued to walk towards her bedroom.

There she was, slightly laying back on her leather chair with her laptop in front of her, just staring at her screen and occasionally pressing a few buttons. The door was somewhat open so he could take a good look at her, her hair was down, she was wearing some shorts and a t-shirt she had accidentally spilled bleach on so now it was a house shirt and no socks, she hated wearing socks. Pete knocked on the semi closed door to get her attention.

"Oh I didn't hear you come in"

"I figured, what are you doing here babe?"

"Regretting my decision on signing the contract for a second book"

She mumbled when Pete approached her and leaned down to press several kisses on her neck and cheeks. (Y/n) smiled and enjoyed the feeling of comfort he brought her before shaking her head and pulling away from him.

"I need to finish this chapter"

"What you need to do is eat, I'm pretty sure you skipped breakfast"

She knew he was right, that's why she didn't respond so she just kept on staring at her laptop screen, hoping that miraculously an idea will come to her head. She deeply appreciated his concern but she felt the pressure of her publicist that called everyday to ask about the book, today was one of the few days she chose to not pick up the phone. Pete once again was met with silence although that didn't stop him from placing his hands on her shoulders to give her a massage.

"Come on sunshine, you can take a break and clear your head"

"Pete I have to write thousands of pages in a short amount of time, it's not just fucking punchlines"

Pete's face made a sour expression at her jab. It did sting a little bit yet he tried to understand that she was just overwhelmed with the responsibility of delivering on time. He took a deep breath before patting her on the head and turning away from her.

"I'll be in the living room"

For some time she felt relieved that he left so she could refocus, however after a few moments when she started to see her reflection on the screen she started to realize what she had done which was awful. She felt so bad that she had to shut down the screen and close her laptop so she wouldn't look at herself, she spoke in such a disregarding manner that she felt disgusted. With tears already clouding her eyes she got up and found Pete watching TV, the take out in front of him and it didn't take long for her to notice that he had bought her favorite making her feel even worse. She stood in front of the TV and Pete looked in her eyes and smiled.

"I'm sorry"

Her voice breaks in the middle of the sentence. Pete's smiled dropped when he saw a year escaping and heard her whimpering voice, he immediately got up from the couch and went to hug her.

"Its okay sunshine"

"No it's not, I didn't mean it I swear"

"I know baby"

"I'm just so… stressed"

She said and let herself relax in his arms as she wrapped hers around his torso, feeling the warmth of his engulf her. His scent went to her nose making her feel safe in his arms as the tears stained his sweatshirt. Pete started rubbing her back to help her let out her emotions, he knew how emotional (y/n) was and he found it cute how she feels like cry no matter what the situation was, she had happy tears, angry tears, sad tears, she saw a dog tears, attending a wedding tears, he didn't mind it though on the contrary he liked that she was able to express her emotions with no fear.

"I understand baby, it did sting a bit though, you know how much I love my work"

"I know, I wasn't thinking when I said it which is wrong"

They had agreed that they wouldn't do the "it's ok" type of shit, they preferred to actually say when something either hurt them or bothered them so they can have clear boundaries with one another, it was one of the best decisions they could have ever made, it was one of the strongest foundations they had for their relationship. (Y/n) looked at him and Pete immediately went to wipe her tears, before pressing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry"

"I accept your apology. Are you feeling better now?"

"A little bit. Thank you for forgiving me and I will try to do my best to not repeat that behavior"

She responded, her voice now was more steady and clear. Setting boundaries between them and being clear about the behavior that is acceptable was something they had established early in the relationship, Pete was diagnosed with BPD and (y/n) had trauma from past experiences so they had agreed to see a couple's therapist in order for them to move on with their relationship in a healthy manner, so things like "it's ok" or "you know I didn't mean it that way" were unacceptable, taking accountability for their actions and having the humility to apologize was their key to success.

Pete's smile reappeared and now gave her a kiss on her lips, making (y/n) get a bit of a shiver down her spine. Their kisses always felt so strong, like energy passing through one to the other, it was such a magical experience to them.

"Are we good?"

"Yes, now take a seat and I'll microwave your food"

"Wow, Gordon Ramsey would be so proud of you"

#pete davidson imagine #pete davidson fluff #pete davidson fic #pete davidson blurb #pete davidson #pete davidson angst #pete davidson fanfiction #pete davidson headcanon #pete davidson one shot #pete davidson snl #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson x you #pete x y/n #king of staten island

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genshin-obsessed · 3 years

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I dread everything about school, sure, I got some friends. But that doesn't help ease the pain of having a mental breakdown the night before school starts.

I've given up trying to ask my mom or dad if I could get a day off, my mom wouldn't allow me since my dad won't let me. My dad has said he only cares about my education, so I don't see the point in trying anymore.

I envy people who have a mental break day where they can skip school/work. Even in the weekend I can't get rest without thinking about tomorrow. I had a breakdown last week and ended up being yelled at by my dad. Now I really don't think he cares about me besides getting an education.

I already plan on getting an actual job, started a business, how much longer do I have to suffer before I can just get a day off? Or when will I ever be good enough for him?? I'm trying to do things that make me useable enough for society, even though my grades are fucking failing and I can't stop lashing out on things.

These things don't matter anyway, he'll just end up telling me again "and I don't want to go to work" then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT JOB?? fucking peice of shit, he doesn't care about my mental health unless it makes me unable to be a working citizen and get an education.

I'm so fucking tired, I'm trying to keep everything in, but I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid that something will happen that I can't control. I don't want to hurt someone again, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it all in.

I just have to suck it all up, going to school like nothing happened, again. My suicidal thoughts have started to come back, my anxiety has been worse and worse, and I feel like relapsing again.

The only reason I don't self-harm anymore is so I don't get put into a mental hospital again. But if I end up not keeping all these urges and thoughts away then I'll just end up in the mental hospital or worse, an actual prison. The mental hospital felt like a prison anyway, which is why I'm scared to tell any teacher or adult at my school.

It's also 1am, and I shouldn't be bothering anyone with this. I can't bother my sister, she has to get enough sleep to go to work, and with how much little time I get with her now, it's just like when she was in college and i had nobody. My parents are useless in this situation, because my mom would just get yelled at by my dad for suggesting me staying home. And talking to her feels so.. uncomfortable. My dad is just a no. There is no talk about my mental health, if I'm feeling sad, I'll just have to deal with it.

I'm stuck, I don't know how much longer this will last, but probably for a couple more years.

I wish I could easily take my life away, there is hardly anything I want in life anymore.

Just a note before I start: I made a new tag for anyone to block because I’m gonna allow more serious topics with it. I’ll go with the regular tw tags as well, but this one is just one big tag: 🐚— vent

Right, onto you anon. I wanna start by saying I am so, so sorry you’re going through this. I understand, my mother was extremely hard on me in school. She rarely let me take breaks off of school and kept his idea that I had to attend almost every day to be a good student and to have a good education.

Even in college, both of my parents are pretty hard on me to take “good classes” and not “waste” my time. I don’t think many parents understand the stresses of school and it makes it hard for them to understand how terrible those days can be.

The school system is all messed up. Learning subjects that most of us won’t use- unless you’re choose a job in that particular field- teachers pile on too much homework, everything is just memorization at this point, and it gives us little time to relax. The way some teachers even assign homework makes it hard for us to even relax on weekends, which is why we have them. You really only have summer and even then, some parents force their children into extra activities then.

You feelings are valid. 100%. You’re allowed to feel exhausted, especially when you’re not getting any breaks. Getting through high school is the probably the only thing that’s really required for most jobs. But having a college degree doesn’t mean you’ll be rolling in money. It just means you can have a more secure job but by no means guarantees success. Parents don’t realize that.

For you, especially, it’s all building up. I’m sure you already know this to. Holding it in 100% won’t help. The stress also seems to be affecting your school work and it’s making it harder to pass classes which just leads your parents to lash out. It’s a vicious cycle that just doesn’t stop. And the only way to really stop such a thing is to take a step back, but you’re not even allowed to do that.

I think the attempt to please your dad’s ideals is also adding stress. You want to be good enough, and that’s understandable, but sometimes parents project what they couldn’t do onto us. Sometimes, it’s never enough because at the end of the day, they’re not the ones who could accomplish that. I’m sorry to say that and I hope it doesn’t upset you further, but maybe you should try doing this for yourself and not him. Some parents will never be happy- as sad as it is to say that.

I’m glad you don’t self harm, and I’m really proud of you for breaking away from that. Yes, it may just be to stay away from the mental hospital, but I’m still happy you’re staying away from it. Although, I would recommend talking to someone about this, other than me of course, because I can’t do much for you, unfortunately. I can only listen and offer a bit of advice.

Though you don’t want to stress out your sister, it seems like she may be the only one you can kind of trust. Maybe if you’re of age, you could try talking to a therapist or meeting with a school counselor/therapist. They may be able to actively help you, maybe even working with some of your teachers to lessen the workload. Either way, they’ll be more helpful than me.

I want you to know you’re doing an amazing job though. You’re still going after all of this and I know it seems bad, but I know it’ll get better. I know this isn’t much, but I’m very proud of your resilience.

If anything, when you’re on your own and in college, you can 100% take a break and you’ll definitely deserve it. But I do want you to try and talk to somebody you find you can trust. Or try to reach out for help, because something like this can’t be done alone.

There is one thing I think you want and that’s to be free from all of this. School, your parents, the exhaustion, the stress, and so that can be your goal. Though these days will show up often, maybe the idea of being free from all of this while still being able to live a happy life can be that push you need. I’m not sure if you’re able to move away for college, but I would recommend you do that. It’s a little difficult to be on your own, but you’ll get to choose how you live.

I know my response was kinda all over the place, but I really hope it helped anon💖💖 you’re always welcome to come here and talk to me if you’d like. Maybe about school, homework, just to vent, or chat! I would like to hear how you’re doing too 🥺💖

#🌸─ pocket tries #⊱ ─ anonymous #🐚— vent #tw: mentions of self harm #tw: suicidal thoughts #serious #tw: self harm

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dana-chan-the-control-brain · 3 years

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Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.

#danachan's posts #personal stuff #new year post #tw: covid #tw: yeast infection

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genshinimpactkin · 3 years

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hello mods, i'd like to get a kin matchup! i hope the mods are doing well and that i'm not bothering!

- i am an infj-t and an ambivert (more of an extroverted introvert; an introvert who can seem outgoing)

- i am mostly chill and quiet by myself but i get very chatty (because i dislike awkward silence) when i meet new people. i can be quite clumsy and forgetful, especially when i'm around people and i'm much more efficient when i work alone

- i am the therapist/cheerleader/motivator of the group, but i am also the friend that is included but also excluded at the same time (i don't have a best friend, and everyone already has their own partners... so it's just me and myself in my friend group)

- people also tell me that i'm great at conversations and talking to people but personally, i don't feel proud of that fact because i usually my 'cheerful' persona to get along with people although i am more of a mellow and relaxed person by myself

- sometimes, in a group setting, i like to keep quiet while i watch others get along themselves because i feel like at that time, i don't have to use my 'cheerful' persona to help people get along with each other

- my friends and family tell me i am actually quite distant and indecisive/altruistic because i keep my opinions to myself and always go along with what other people want (it's because i don't want to risk conflict with other people just to get what i want)

- during assignments, my teammates often vote me as the leader but honestly i find it hard to have such big responsibilities on my shoulders and i get very anxious (i also really dislike being in the spotlight, i get doubtful when complimented)

- i like aromatherapy and nature, my hobbies are listening to music (lofi and indie pop), thinking of poems and stories, taking a walk at night, stargazing.

- i have self-esteem issues and inferiority complex (i have very low confidence and i tend to compare myself to my friends)

- i use work and hobbies to distract me from feeling sad, i also slightly use humor to cope

and that is all, i hope this is enough. feel free to assign me several characters (one or two) if you think i fit them but one is okay too ofc! i'd love to know what you think! i really want a confirmation on who i kin. thank you and have a good day mods, i'll be supporting this blog! <3

I know a Zhongli kinnie when I see one.

I would know.

- Zhongli

#genshin impact #genshin impact kin #genshin kin #genshin #mod zhongli #gi kin #kin blog

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dangan-happy · 3 years

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(I want Mikan to have wheelies to escape her feelies. | I've never really done this before, but uhm.. I'd like a little comfort from Izuru, Rantaro or Nagito if that's okay.. also tw for s/h and a little self deprecating, though nothing too explicit. Sorry.)

I just.. accidentally triggered myself, I guess? A few years ago I stole my fathers swiss army knife and tried something stupid for the first time. I felt like a worthless whore and I know I did it for attention...I did it to be like a few people close to me. The thing is, I couldn't look at swiss army knives without thinking about it after that, but I thought I was over it. It's like how cheap plastic sharpeners made me think about it, but now it rarely happens. It's not like I did it many times, either. It's not like I enjoyed it or needed it. Maybe once or twice it wasn't so bad, and maybe I liked watching the color run down a little but it was punishment, and even if I feel like I hate myself I know I don't need to do that anymore. I just used that same swiss army knife to open a package and.. having it in my hand, all I could think about were my ankles. I'm safe, I'm not doing that again. But it just won't leave my head. I want to cry and hold on to someone but I don't.. want to talk about it with anyone. I feel disgusting for having done that and one time I tried again after a breakdown and I'm scared it'll happen again. I can't really say I'm working hard or doing my best, but I'm trying a little. I don't think I'll ever really do it again, and I know I can hold back if I just walk away for a bit, but I'm still scared that I'll stay and.. be awful again. I want to do better, for my friends. I don't want them to have to deal with me, I want to help them. So I guess..I should try helping myself, right?

Hey anon, don't worry about it. I'm a little more self deprecating than I'd like to be myself, and while those feelings aren't good, they're nothing to apologize for. Don't ever call yourself a whore, got it? You told me exactly why you did it, and that's sadly a really common reason that people try those things. You just wanted to fit in with the people around you, and that doesn't make you a whore at all. It was a bad choice yeah, but you know that and I'm proud of you for that. Yeah, I get it. That's the thing with habits like this. Sometimes you think you're over it, and then out of nowhere you jump back into it out of the blue. It sounds like some of the objects you mentioned are visual triggers for those urges, so that might be something to keep in mind. I really am glad to hear that you didn't do it often. Yeah, I think you might have some psychological thing linked to doing it. Something like this always happens for a reason, it's not an action people do for no reason. Even if it's not the typical reason for it, it doesn't discredit that you did do it for a reason, and that you were driven to that point. I'm real sorry you were, but again I'm glad to hear that you didn't do it too much. Hey, it's perfectly understandable that you were thinking that way ok? That knife is linked to the action, it's a thought pattern. It's a natural, very real thing sadly, and it doesn't make you disgusting in the least. I'm really happy to hear that you said you're safe for the time being.

Hey, trying at all is amazing ok? You're strong in your resolve to not do it again, and that's real admirable. That's still a huge step forward, even if you aren't giving it your all yet. I'm really proud that you can hold back. Seriously, that's so, so amazing. So many people get sucked into the pattern, and knowing that you have the strength to walk away even if there is still a possibility of it happening again. Yeah, you should always want to do better for your friends, but mainly for yourself. You deserve to be as happy and as pain free as possible. You matter, no matter how many self deprecating thoughts you have. You're a person too, and you deserve to be happy. Since there is still a minimal risk, there's no shame in avoiding blades or that specific blade if you want to. Treat yourself gently, even if yours is a more minimal case on the grand scheme of things, you're still recovering, and you can take all the time you need. I know you really don't want to talk to someone, but honestly I think it might be a good idea to. Reach out to a counselor or therapist. These people are literally trained to help with problems like this for their job, and they won't find you disgusting. Honestly, no one should because you're not. I know you can use your full effort to do better. I know you want to do better, even if it's not for yourself right now. I think the first step is reaching out to a professional.

I know it's scary, but trust me, I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think it would help. That'll make it easier for you to use your full effort to get better, and it might even start to let you see what an amazing person you are. You're strong and brave and really kindhearted for wanting to get better for your friends. But you should want to get better for yourself too, ok? Don't discredit yourself. I know you can't see how many amazing things there are about you right now, but hopefully with some time you will. You're not a whore and you're not disgusting. You're strong and amazing and you deserve all the happiness in the world. Good luck ok? If you can do this much with little effort, I can't wait to see what you can do with all of it.

Not to toot my sad little horn. But I feel as if I’m the king of self deprecation Anon. First of all; you aren’t a worthless whore. That’s wrong in so many ways. As far as I’ve seen you’ve done nothing to exhibit such a thing. No need to put yourself down as well, you were just following a trend, it happens when you’re younger, and they aren’t always for the best. I’m glad that you didn’t continue it even further. It’s normal that that would trigger something. Going through a traumatic moment like that is not easy. I know it sounds silly. But try and stay away from some of the things that you’ve found that may trigger you. For your mental health. And I’m sorry for getting stern. But you deserve no punishment whatsoever. Nobody ever deserves such a thing; unless they’re into Despair.

Hating yourself is something I’m all to familiar with. But Anon, I don’t know what’s happened in your past, but I assure you, you surely don’t deserve to hate yourself. Hopefully you’ve learned to love yourself. It’s a hard thing to learn, but that’s the best step you can ever take in reaching Hope and happiness. I recommend honestly throwing the knife away. Unless your grandpa gave it to you for sentimental reasons of some sort, perhaps hiding it away somewhere that you won’t consider looking for it. Maybe have someone hide it away. Getting that item out of your life seems like a good step to me in this recovery. I recommend actually talking to someone however. I know you don’t want to; but that’s always a good option. Talking about things like this is always good; helps you get things off your chest and have another shoulder to lean on, someone to help you through this Despair. Specifically a therapist if you’re comfortable with that. A trained person who knows how to handle and help people with these sort of things are always the best. For relapsing; you shouldn’t feel disgusting about doing it again. You know it’s not healthy and that’s all that matters. Sometimes people relapse, and that’s ok. As long as they seek help in the end is what matters. When this feeling returns, I beg of you to what you can to stop yourself; take a walk or go talk to a friend to distract yourself. That’s what friends are for; to help you during your hard times. If they don’t; can you truly call them friends? I urge you to talk, at least a little bit with them. You and your friends are together so you can help each other grow! I believe in you Anon, try getting in contact with a therapist as soon as you’re able to, perhaps look up things as well to help with triggers? Do a bit of research.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #rantaro amami #mod rantaro #nagito komaeda #mod nagito

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castiel-left-his-mark-on-me · 3 years

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I feel stupid and ungrateful because my story isn't that bad and I should be happy to have a "normal" life but I'm still writing this because I want to let it out. I have been depressed for over 10 years and still haven't seen a doctor about it. Because I'm afraid of being told off like I have been my whole life whenever I felt sad or anxious. My negative feelings never mattered to my mother, and my dad was always just there. He wasn't really abusive (at least not physically) but he wasn't a parent. He was just a guy living with us. Mom had to take care of everything. And as much as she tried her best, she let her own childhood trauma reflect in my and my siblings' upbringing. [My sister (40) is very co-dependent and my brother (39) has trouble forming and maintaining stable relationships.] Being the youngest, I was always told my opinions and feelings didn't matter. When I dropped out of college freshman year, the first thing my mom said is "you're breaking my heart." When I told her I dropped out because I was depressed, her response was "I had it worse than you when I was your age." Despite the fact that I was seriously considering ending my life. I lost all my friends when I dropped out. Nobody checked on me to see how I was. If it wasn't for the one friend who did reach out to me, I'd be dead. But nobody in my family knows. I tried telling my mom about these things but she always makes it about herself. This year has been especially bad. (I had to close down my business and had a lot of debt, eventually I found a job but my boss is abusive and controlling.) I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I'm afraid that if I let myself crack, I'll be too far gone to be saved. I want to get better, get help, but I'm terrified of telling anyone how I really feel.

First of all-- I am so sorry I have taken so long to reply to this. Tumblr didn’t notify me that I had new asks; and second of all ... there is no scale of “good vs. bad” when it comes to depression and anxiety. If you feel it, you feel it. It just is and it’s hard no matter what your circumstances are. Your feelings are valid and they need to be taken seriously ... I take them seriously, and let me just say, I am glad you are alive.

I know how it is to have a mother who makes everything about herself. I know how draining and hurtful that can be, and I’m so sorry. I also understand being the youngest-- I was the youngest for most of my life, until my half sister was born when I was fourteen. My older brothers are either too dependent or too selfish to really care or be helpful in any way, so I often felt alone and neglected-- I still do. Feeling that way only makes establishing true friendships harder, but having that one real friend is literally the difference between life and death sometimes, and I am so glad that you had someone there to lean on when you needed it most.

I am so sorry to hear about your business, and I hope that you are actively looking for another job so you can get away from such a horrible boss. You deserve to feel safe and valued. You deserve to be able to relax when you lay down at night. You deserve to live without worry, and I hope you get to live that way soon.

I don’t know where you’re located, but I do know that a lot of countries have programs you can enroll in that can pay for therapy. I was enrolled in one for a time and it was so nice to know that I had that resource. I hope you can find something like that for you. Any good therapist or counselor will understand that your feelings are real and they won’t write you off. They will listen and they will guide you towards solutions that will help.

I know it’s hard right now-- and I feel a lot of the things that you do, but I also know that we can’t give up. You are important to the world and you’re important to me.

I am proud of you for surviving.

🖤

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per1shed · 2 years

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Heyy sorry for replying like 4 days later💌 ahah but thank you for the message and new years wishes! It saddens that you were alone, there could be some solution for y'all to spend the evening together, why the heck would your mom leave you on such a day.. you seem not to be bothered I mean I don't see into it but I wish I could be there w you as I didn't really enjoy it that much, just ate sm food, felt bad about it and watched tv. It was weird without my sister. And I think she loves him way too much, it's been six years of them being in a relationship and she loves him too much, plus she's that type that can't stay mad for too long and indecisive as well, makes her super easy to get manipulated. I could tell her to leave him, she'd agree and then he'd tell her to come back the same day and she'd agree as well, she was trying to stay mad and try to broke up but he was crying and begging telling her he can't imagine having family with anyone else.. Then she would tell me how bad she feels and that it will be the last chance. Not to mention she kicked her out of their flat in the middle of the night last year, he'd steal her keys when she forgets to buy some food, break her things. He got pretty rich during their relationship and now he is prob thinking it's her duty to do everything else ... I don't know what to think anymore I just don't get invested in it. But he got these two sides to him, I got to say I can't stop liking him because I never got to see that other ugly side and we like each other a lot I think it's also because we're both water signs and get each other.

It's nice hearing you got to meet ur therapist again so you feel back on the track and more positive I guess? I can't really tell if it helps you in that way as I'd need one myself. My anxiety got so bad as I don't leave my house that often, I spend like 30 minutes deciding to step out, planning thing ahead even going for a walk, I feel good afterwards but it's so limiting and drives me crazy. :/ Plus my dad got some back pain and I want to visit him in another town and can't bring myself to go, I think I'll go tomorrow if I don't change my mind 10000 times till then. btw this is so random but how is your english so good? I'm not native speaker as well, I've always been pretty good at it I also enjoyed learning russian.. sending hugs <3🥰

hey my love <3 also sorry that i’m replying so late!! first of all, it really wasn’t a big deal being alone on new years! i’m happy when i can just follow my routine and don’t have to do anything that will cause a flare up and i didn’t want to ruin it for my mom so it’s fine!! <3 i really hope your sister can overcome it one day bc this type of person probably won’t change :/ the good moments can never outweigh the bad :( i’ll send both of you virtual strength to overcome it. as for my therapist, i’m really glad she’s back!! even tho i’m sad we only get to see each other once a week now, it’s better than nothing. and the anxiety thing, i really really really get it. i can promise you the only way to not feel scared anymore is to do it over and over again until it feels natural. it will probably not feel good in the beginning but you WILL get better with time and practice. and a therapist would help a lot ofc! did you visit your dad that day? if not i’m still proud of you for trying <3 you can start over every day. as for my english, i’m from germany and it’s taught here from 5th grade on, sometimes even earlier! i also grew up on the internet1, didn’t leave the house and didn’t have friends so i was always online and HAD to learn it. ive been on stan twitter since i was 12/13 😭 and i also just really like languages!! what about you? your english is very good as well!! <3 i hope you’re having a good day today 💌

#anon #/abuse

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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i don't have anyone to talk so i thought i'd give this a go. i really don't know what's wrong with me. i have there terrible mood swings where i'll be fine but in a matter of ten minutes my emotions will be off the wall. during these spells i feel angered, frustrated and do nothing but cry. im not sure what triggers them but sometimes to calm down i'll pinch myself. im kinda worried pinching will turn into worse things since the pain feels almost like a release. this sounds crazy i'm sorry.

Hi beautiful,

I am sorry to hear that youhave been dealing with such intense mood swings recently. I want to start offby saying that nothing you had told us sounds crazy. Actually, a lot ofdifferent people have to go through the exact same feelings that you are currentlyhaving. The positive thing though, is that you have realised that something haschanged within you and that you may need help to learn how to deal with thesesudden behaviours.

I’ll come back with thepinching later and will start off with the mood swings first, since they seemto be the cause of the painful behaviour you’ve been inflicting to yourself.Mood swings can be caused by sooooooooomany different things. That means it will be hard for me to put my finger onexactly what has been causing yours. Of course, I am not a mental healthprofessional, which means I do not have to power to tell you why you’ve beenfeeling this way, but I will still list on the possible explanations for your intenseand frequent mood swings. Remember that self diagnosis is not a good idea andthat you should always seek help from a professional, who will be able to offeryou the proper help on how to get better.

They could be caused by depression : Have you been feeling moretired lately? Have you been feeling like the only thing you want to do issleep, unable to find the motivation to do the things that once made you sohappy? Have your emotions been all over the place, unable to concentrate onanything else but sadness and intense feelings of emptiness? Have you lost weightor felt like you’ve been getting sick? Have you felt like it was hard toconcentrate and hard to think straight? If the answers to these questions areyes, then the mood swings might be caused by depression.

They could also be caused by bipolar disorder : Have you been feeling like yourthoughts are all rushing through your mind at the same time without you beingable to control them? Have you been feeling like your moods are more irritableand elevated lately? Have you been feeling impulsive, doing different thingsand taking decisions that you would of have never made before? Have you beenfeeling sleep deprived, like sleep does not seem to matter anymore? Do you tendto not be able to have a stable conversation, changing quickly from one topicto another without them being related? If the answers to these questions areyes, the mood swings might be caused by bipolar disorder.

The next one might soundcompletely strange, but mood swings could also be caused by premenstrual syndrome if you are agirl. The most frequent behaviours you can feel when in pms are :oversensitivity, crying, anger and irritability, anxiety and exaggerated moodswings. If you are having premenstrual syndrome, this is what you should besensing in your body : feeling tired, feeling bloated, having weird cravings oran increase of your appetite and even insomnia. If you are feeling all this,your mood swings could be caused by premenstrual syndrome. Those feelingsshould happen for a few to several days before the one week of your menstrualcycle.

Now in more rare cases, moodswings could be caused by schizophrenia: Symptoms of psychotic behaviours are :Have you been having disorganised behaviour? Have you experienced any type ofhallucinations of hearing, such as having voices in your head? Have youexperienced any type of hallucinations of seeing, such as bugs crawling on yourskin? Have you experienced any type of hallucinations of taste, such as tastingthings that are not connected to reality? Symptomsof less psychotic behaviours are : Have you felt inhibition of facialexpression? Have you felt a lack in your care and self hygiene? Have you beenfeeling lack of motivation? Is your speech lacking or incoherent? If the answerto these questions are yes, your mood swings could be caused by schizophrenia.

Mood swings can also be causedby ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivitydisorder) : Have you felt like your capacity to concentrate on a task is low?Have you felt like you are easily distracted or have short memory? Do you havetrouble staying seated for a long period of time? Do you always feel the needto talk? Do you easily feel bored? If the answer to these questions are yes,then the mood swings you have been feeling might be caused by ADHD.

It could also be, in more rarecases, dementia : Have you beenforgetting things easily? Do you have trouble doing certain tasks that you wereonce able to do with very little effort -likegetting dressed or going to the bathroom-? Is your ability to communicatedifficult? Have the people surrounding you seen a big change in your behaviourand are struggling to recognise you? If you are feeling those things and havesaid yes to those questions, your mood swings might be caused by dementia.

Now, I know all of that was alot of information to take in. As I said before, I am in no case aprofessional, which means I cannot diagnose you and as I said earlier, selfdiagnosis is never a good idea. Your mood swings could even be related to noneof the above, coming from a complete other source. That is why I highly suggesttalking to a professional about what you have been feeling lately.

Now, let’s talk about thepinching. I can understand that you might feel scared that the pinching mightturn into scarier things. In the end, any type of behaviour that is done toprocure you pain, is considered like self harm, even though no blood isinvolved. You should definitely talk to your therapist about that as well. I amvery proud of you though, for realising these behaviours quickly before themgetting worst. It shows how incredibly brave you are. There are a lot ofoptions that can make you feel better, other than pain. You could look at ourdistractions page to get more ideas. To avoid injuring yourself, I suggesttrying to keep yourself surrounded by people when you feel sad, to avoid beingalone. I would also suggest staying away from the emplacement where you usuallypinch yourself as much as possible. You can also grab a pen and whenever youfeel like pinching yourself, you can draw a little dot on the spot you were thinkingof hurting. That way, you can look at the crayon instead of the red mark itwould do on your skin. The crayon marks at the end of the day will show you theurges you were able to resist and will make you feel quite proud. Remember thatno matter what struggles you are going through right now, you are beautiful andwonderful. You do not deserve to get hurt. You can also have a look at ourAlternatives to Self-Harm page and to the Reasons not to self-harm page on our blog. Theycan be a massive help whenever you feel like pinching at your skin.

Remember that there isabsolutely no shame in getting help. You are beautiful and wonderful anddeserve all the happiness in the world. We love you and are always here for youwhenever you need to talk. You are not alone lovely.

Storms don’t last forever, your strength will fightthe clouds away and let the rainbow shine throughout the sky.

Sabrinaxx

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fight-till-u-cant-fight-anymore · 7 years

Text

Life is fragile but still beautiful Part VII

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI

When Amelia had calmed down, she sat back up again and took a sip of her coffee which wasn't very warm anymore.

“Maybe you should talk to Sheldon or Violet. Sheldon also said he can make calls to some of the best therapists and you could have a meeting as soon as possible.” Charlotte broke the silence.

“About?”

“Amelia, you know very well about what. I know you don't wanna admit it to yourself but I think you need to talk about it.”

“Charlotte, please…”

“Amelia, it's been over 5 years since your baby boy. You haven't moved on, you haven't, Amelia. You know I want the best for you, so that means I don't lie.”

“Charlotte, I will never move on. I just can't leave him behind…”

“Amelia no one is asking for you that. You will always have a place in your heart for him, always. But you have to understand that you get super involved in child cases and it always makes you very sad. It happened after you gave birth and came back to work again. I'm also sure if I ask Owen about this he will tell me you don't handle those cases very well. Amelia, it made me want to cry seeing you hurt like that yesterday. I don't want you to carry that weight all of your life.”

Amelia was watching the waves, staring at the one point far away. Charlotte thought she had zoned out and didn't hear what she said but she was wrong.

“You know, one friend of mine at Grey Sloan gave birth to a baby boy too and then had to say goodbye minutes after. The others were discussing what to make for them like some fruit basket or a card or cook but I told them to go light a candle at the chapel. It made me feel better though I was yelling at my favorite resident, hurt people and was cold to everyone all day. At the end of the day I went back to the chapel and saw all the candles were light. I sat there and looked them till Owen walked in. He sat next to me and said nothing until I said that my baby lived for 43 minutes. Owen just looked at me and put his hand over mine.” Amelia’s voice was shaky. Charlotte had put her hand on Amelia’s back and rubbed comforting circles.

“We weren't anything that time, we shared a kiss days later but I still told him. I even told him about my pill and alcohol problems when he was just a chief for me. But still I was comfortable around him and felt like telling him stuff I haven't told about anyone before.”

“Amelia, that's great you trust him that much but you still need help. Who should I call? Sheldon or Violet? Or you want someone else? I'm sure they can find you another good…”

“Charlotte, it's okay. You can call Violet. Sheldon just won't get it.” Amelia had turned to face Charlotte now.

“Okay, I'll…”

“I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation but the food is getting cold. I'm sure you both are hungry. I have some pasta bolognese made for lunch, so if you don't mind then come have a lunch.” Owen stood at the door asking them to join him for lunch.

“Owen makes the best pasta bolognese. You just have to taste it.” Amelia said and stood up.

Owen had went back inside to put some water on the table too.

“Charlotte, I really appreciate your help and I guess you're right. Ask Violet if we can schedule a meeting soon.”

“Yeah sure.” Charlotte smiled sadly and stood up too. “Okay, let’s cheer up now and eat your man’s best pasta bolognese, shall we?”

Amelia laughed and nod. They went back inside and enjoyed the amazing lunch.

—————-

“Thank you, Owen. Amelia was right, it is the best.” Charlotte thanked.

“Thank you.” Owen smiled.

“I have to get going. I came here only for lunch time and I see it's been over for minutes now.”

“Umm, Charlotte can I talk to you for a second?” Amelia looked Owen and he understood she wanted to do it private. So he went on the deck and enjoyed the waves.

“Would you give me a call after you've talked to her?” Amelia said.

“Yeah, sure. You want to go to a meeting tonight?”

“Okay. Thank you, Charlotte!” Amelia hugged her.

“Always for you.” Charlotte said, they broke the hug and Charlotte put her hand on Amelia's cheek. “I really want you to be okay, Amelia. I'll call you later.”

“Okay.”

They both smiled sadly and Charlotte left.

—————-

Amelia found Owen facing the waves. She went behind him and wrapped her arms around Owen's waist .

“You okay?” Owen asked.

“Yeah, I just had a nightmare and I talked to Charlotte about it. She got me to agree to go see Violet. She's that shrink one at the practice.”

“That's amazing, Amelia.” Owen turned around and wrapped her in his hug. “I'm so proud of you. I'm sure it'll be good for you.” Owen kissed Amelia’s forehead.

“Charlotte and I will go to a meeting tonight.” Amelia said softly.

“That's great. Maybe I should make dinner tonight? If Addison and Jake are okay with that, we could ask all your friends over too.”

“Yeah, well the meeting starts at 6:30pm and probably we'll be there till 8pm. I'll call Addison to ask about it.”

“Okay.” Owen smiled and gave Amelia a quick kiss before she went back inside.

—————-

“Hey, Addie.”

“Hi, Amelia. Feeling better? I know Charlotte wanted to come over.”

“I'm okay. Yeah, she was here already. Owen made us lunch too.”

“Owen seems a great guy.”

“He really is. Actually Owen asked if he could make dinner tonight and he wants everyone to join.”

“That’s a good idea. I'll ask what they think.”

“It probably has to be like 8:30 or 9pm because Charlotte and I will go to a meeting tonight.”

“Okay, sure. That will work out. I'll let you know who'll be able to come.”

“Okay, I'll tell Owen. Thanks, Addie.”

“Any time, Amelia.” They hung up.

—————-

While Charlotte was driving she couldn't get her mind off of Amelia. She was seriously worried about her. Charlotte’s phone started ringing.

“Hey, Mason.”

“Hey, can you pick me up, please?”

“Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes, so wait me outside.”

“Okay, see ya.” Mason hung up.

—————-

“Hey, how was your day?” Charlotte asked, trying to hide her worry about Amelia.

“It was good. Seems like you don't have the best day.”

“Why you say that?”

“You seem worried. You're not even that worried when it comes to twins, so it seems very serious.”

“Well, I told you about Amelia visiting, right?”

“Yeah, so you're worried about her, huh? Because of the drugs again?”

“Oh no. Not because of that. Do you remember that day you started calling me Mama?”

“Yeah, I think it was when she gave birth to her baby.”

“Yeah.” Charlotte sighed. “She still hasn't really dealt with her loss and people like me and her have to deal with stuff. Remember how you acted when your mom died? Well that's exactly how she still is. She seems fine to everyone else but inside she's just empty and that makes me worried.”

“Yeah, I get that. I can't even imagine to still be like that after all those years. I hope you can help her.”

“Me too, Mason. Me too.” Charlotte said sadly and parked in front of the practice.

“You coming inside or walking from here?”

“I'll meet with my friends in the park. Thank you, Charlotte!” Mason hugged her.

“You're welcome!” Charlotte hugged him even tighter and then let him go.

“I'll let you know when I'll get home. Is that okay?”

“Yeah but please before midnight, Mason.”

“Of course, thank you!” Mason smiled and went to the park.

Charlotte stepped in the elevator to get back to work.

—————-

Amelia went back on the deck and found Owen by the ocean.

“Addison liked the idea.”

“Great.” Owen smiled and didn't say anything more.

“What?” Amelia was getting nervous because that smile didn't mean anything good.

“Where's your phone?”

“Inside, why..?” Owen moved quickly to Amelia and took her in his arms. “No.. no… Owen!” Amelia screamed.

Owen ran to the water and when it was deep enough he threw Amelia in the water. He ran quickly out of the water to the beach.

“Owen!”

“Amelia, what are you doing in the water?” Owen teased.

“Oh, you'll pay for this.”

“Oh, no I won't.” Owen laughed and turned to walk back to the house.

Amelia started running at him and jumped on his back.

“Amelia, you're wet.” Owen whined when he felt cold on his back.

“Earlier you loved it.” Amelia smirked and kissed his neck where he loved it the most.

“You have a tirdy mind.” Owen stopped walking and turned his head to kiss her.

“But you like it, huh?” Amelia teased. Owen laughed and walked towards the house again.

“Now I need a hot shower too. Because of you, Amelia.”

“Sorry… not sorry.” She laughed. “You know you'll pay for this.”

“No I won't.” He opened the door and stepped inside. Owen carried Amelia to the bathroom.

He started taking off his clothes when Amelia asked. “What are you doing?”

“Umm, getting in a shower with you?”

“Oh, no way. You. Go use the guest room’s shower. I'll take a bath here. Alone.” Amelia teased.

“No, I won't.” Owen kissed Amelia. “I'm getting in bath with you.”

“Fine.” Amelia said and turned the water on. She faced Owen again and kissed him passionately.

“Amelia… the bath.. is… ready…” Owen said between the kisses.

They took their clothes off and stepped in the bath. Amelia laid on Owen and turned her head to kiss him passionately again.

#LifeIsFragileButStillBeautiful #omelia #amelia and owen #amelia shepherd #owen hunt #private practice #grey's anatomy

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monsterrsmind · 7 years

Text

I'll be missing you

I think with most every relationship you have, there is always special little things you’ll always remember, no matter what happens later in life. Here’s what I remember about the three relationships I’ve had: after three years with SMJ, i remember youremineforever, zimbabwe2kx3, and Lammie. after four years with MDS, There is really nothing significant that sticks out…except the fighting. after only 27 days with ALJ, and falling too incredibly hard, too incredibly deep, too incredibly fast, I remember everything….The first time I told you i loved you. The first kiss. The first time we had sex. The first time i spent the night with you…I remember the last time i spent the night and the last kiss I gave you, and the talk we had in your car later that day. I remember my heart breaking, and i know how badly it still breaks. The things I remember, however small and insignificant they may seem to anyone else, these are the things that have always meant a great deal to me. These are things that are my memories and are the things that it doesn’t matter who else understands or likes it or not. They belong to my heart. Everyone has their own. Good things and/or bad things that they remember. -Me circa ~2011 After so many years apart from each one of them here’s what sticks out: SMJ- I still remember Lammie, and Zimbabwe. I remember the first time we had sex. I remember peanut butter mayonnaise cheese and bologna sandwiches. I remember how your family became my family, and how happy we were when Aunt Dawn graduated nursing school and how terrified I was right along with you when your mom got hurt. I remember you telling me how Mr. Eww abused you. I remember wanting so much more for you that you could see in yourself. I remember slowly drifting away, though I can’t recall how or when it really all started. Its hard to pinpoint exact moments like that. I remember going to hang out with your sister after we had broken up and being so sad that you couldn’t even look at me. Like you weren’t even mad at me anymore, like you’d just completely forgotten I had even existed. Like a ghost you couldn't see even though I was standing right next to you. I remember holding your hand at moms funeral, I know how scared you were and even though we hadn't been together for a long time that moment was familiar. I'm glad that we have been able to move past all of the relationship-y feelings, good, bad, and otherwise, and be friendly now. Dare I say, even friends? MDS- As before, nothing good really sticks out in my mind. All we ever did was fight. You were abusive. I still remember, in terrorizing flashbacks, being cornered against the wall, or locked in the bedroom no way of escaping, and the fist flying at my face. I remember not being able to talk to friends or family because you always listened in and then would ask me why I care, and you always wanted me to get paid money for babysitting Alex you didn’t understand that they are family and I wasn’t going to ask for money to see them. Money you would have taken anyway. I remember constantly being accused of cheating on you, when it turns out you had been cheating on me. I remember being so afraid to leave, and yet for some unknown reason I really did love you, and didn’t want to leave. I remember you wanting me to spend nights with you and I would text my mom and tell her to say no and send that to her first. Then I would delete that message from my phone and ask her. I was so afraid to just tell you no. I remember you always telling me I was different around my family and when I told my mom you said this she explained that it was probably true because I felt I had more power around my family because they’d have my back and he didn’t like that. I remember always doing your homework for you. And not being able to go to college or have a job because you were afraid I would go home with someone else. I remember being so confused when your sisters got taken away from your mom because their dad was growing weed and selling crack out of the house and wondering why you would still do these drugs with your mom knowing how angry you were when the girls got taken away because of it. I remember all the times we spent at your aunt Kim’s house on the lake. That woman is the best thing that ever happened to you. I hope you appreciate her. I honestly believe she and her kids are the only sane people in your family. I remember your “size” and I remember the only reason that was even an issue was because you constantly brought it up and couldn’t let it go. I remember always being asked if SMJ pleasured me more than you did. I remember that was what finally broke us up. We were living at my moms house and you asked me that again and I guess I did have more power being at home so I told you I was done and you needed to leave. I remember you tried to take Avery and leave your bearded dragon. I remember the cops having to be called because you were getting loud and threatening. I remember trying to set up visitation rights for Avery. I remember that didn’t last long, I don’t know why, and then we didn’t speak again. I remember a year-ish later I was working at wegmans and you showed up with JL and JC. Not to buy anything. Just to try to intimidate me. I remember a few years after that working at ARC and you showed up at the house to deliver products from jostons paper. That was the last I saw you. Thank God. The only thing I miss about you is Aunt Kim. I hope someday that woman can knock some sense into your god damned head. I replay this in my head all the time. You scarred me in so many ways. I hope you never do this to another woman. And if your aunt even happens to find this and read it and find out all the terrible things you did, I hope she knocks you six ways to Sunday. Listen to her. AL- Last time I posted this we had just broken up. I was still hurting and everything feels a thousand times more intense when you’re in the thick of it. Now, I can’t really recall much. I remember spending nights with you in that little shop that was meant to be an office not someone’s house. I remember having to literally sleep on top of you because you only had a small futon not big enough for the both of us. I remember you having an ex that tried to warn me about you and I didn’t listen. I’m glad we didn’t last long, looking back now. I would hope you would have gotten your life together by now, but I know you haven’t. And now there’s another. SCA- I am still trying to put all the pieces together. Of all my boyfriends you were by far the best. I honestly can’t complain too much. You were really good to me and I appreciate that. I remember just feeling so comfortable with you right from the start I opened up to you quicker than I ever had before. I remember late lights and juicy juice and tumblr and reddit and grape juice guy. But things weren’t perfect. We were like a puzzle and the pieces almost, but never quite exactly fit together right. But so many little things kept us from fitting perfectly. We were never on the same page. I loved you so much I know I could have spent the rest of my life with you, but you never saw it. You weren’t in that place. And a part of me understands that its because of your shitty home life. A drunk, abusive mother and a father who just let it happen. He was never brave enough to walk away, and while the physical abuse didn’t happen to you, it took a toll on you emotionally and mentally. You learned to hermit into yourself and not rely on anyone for help while I sought out treatment. I got myself a therapist and a psychiatrist and got the meds and the help that I needed to at least try to fight the hurricane that raged inside me. You saw your primary doctor who you even admitted wasn’t really helping you, but you never got real help. And looking back I think that hindered us right from the start. I know my reliance upon you took a toll also. I was so busy trying not to drown in my floods that I think a lot of times I started to pull you under. And that wasn’t fair, so I'm sorry for that. You also kept the teeth thing from me with ample time over three years to tell me. I can’t promise that, had you told me sooner, everything would have been fine. I don’t know. I like to think I would have been glad you told me before three years, but I just can’t say with any degree of certainty. I haven’t spoken to you in over two years. And still I find myself wondering “what if…” much more frequently then I care to admit to anyone but my therapist. I only see you occasionally if I stop into Wegmans at the right time. And you look right through me as though I’m a ghost. And I suppose in some ways I am. I’m slowly (very slowly) learning to let go. Someday my bones won’t temble with every thought of you. Someday you’ll be nothing but a passing memory I can smile at as it fades past. Someday. So for now this is my list. I’m learning a little more everyday how to heal myself and let go. That everything in my life doesn’t always have to be all or nothing. I’m learning how to love myself more than some boy who can barely give me a second glance. Someday I’ll be proud of me again. Someday I’ll manage to glue myself back into one piece. Until then…~ 1 note Feb 14th, 2016

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