#but dirk likes showing him the art because he knows he likes it

[grubuckets]

i think kan would unironically call himself an anti

#when i found out this ship existed my first thought was 'anti x dead dove romance <3' #dirk's just there to chill and shut his bf up when he starts getting into twt arguments <3 #true love right there #also dirk would make a living off of drawing dead dove art and kan pretends he doesn't know #but dirk likes showing him the art because he knows he likes it #anyway he kan also likes incest even though he had to learn what that was and then figure out it was morally wrong for humans #and maybe he's self indulgent in IoIisho shit even thought he pushes those fantasies WAYYYY back

[weirdmageddon]

i love these tags this person is so right

actually, can you imagine if dave was raised by B1 roxy?

i wanna get into this actually

(ok i had to spend a few hours rewriting this because IT DIDNT FUCKING SAVE AFTER FIVE HOURS OF WRITING WHEN MY COMPUTER UPDATED WHILE I WAS AFK so it would mean a lot to show this post some appreciation. i LOVEEE hearing what other people have to say)

even though these things mom does are presented in an extravagant, kitsch, jokey way, her intentions always came from a place of sincerity. she is simply Funnie

but rose reads too far into it and assumes things that aren't there, that her mother is passive-aggressively feigning interest in rose's interests simply because the things she does are so extra. "why do all of this if not to mock me"

im telling you right now if dave lived in this household he wouldn't assume antagonism, he'd go,

don’t forget who LITERALLY patented tangible jpeg artifacts as their post-scratch adult self and scattered shitty scummed up statue of liberties all over the planet. theres no way some of that overboard artful shit wasnt post-ironic / circling back around to genuine funny sincerity

dave's natural state is funny sincerity like roxy. he's had the natural capacity for this type of humor from the start and this is the direction he goes towards when he grows out of his brother's shadow by the end of the comic. dave and roxy share an earnest “so bad its good” type of humor

(lots more under the cut; the length of this meta analysis just got unwieldly with all the pictures and whatnot)

despite the alcoholism, roxy is a supportive mother. she's not the ideal guardian but hells of a lot more supportive of her kid than bro is. if she knew dave's interests she would totally indulge in them with some over the top silly goofy haha shit as a genuine gesture simply because she loves him

rose isn't too keen on it though. but she is more similar to dirk in her natural state of thinking of overthinking shit and assuming the worst, like the tags said

and yes dave got the sweet cuddly yet sometimes backhanded ouppy gene from roxy, probably even moreso lol

roxy's even said rose "sounds like girl dirk"

side tangent here, but this is something i wanna talk about.

i dont think bro should ever be in custody of children ever but if theres anyone who would be up to the task it's rose probably. i know she'd be able to keep up with him. not only does she have a defined personality (dave is more malleable and absorbs his environment like a sponge), if anyone can pick apart B1 dirk's batshit brain and probably be right on the money it's her. lil cal has been pumping patriarchal nonsense into bro's head and rose would be able to bring the fucking facts to the table without losing her own and being a living example of a badass little girl. i also don't think bro would try to force masculine roles onto rose like he did with dave, seeing as she is a girl, so she would actually have more of a leg up and get some passes that dave was never afforded. and rose wouldn't stand idly and accept any bullshit; she is no doormat. and i think this would earn bro's respect

but anyway, from this, couldn't we conclude roxy "sounds like girl dave"?

yeah okay. we havent even gotten into their penchant for funny typos or misspeaks, deliberate or otherwise

so, dave's environment

the sentiment "god you hope you can be as good as your bro at this some day" might have been genuine at the time when he idolized bro but of course he's not able to express that in any sort of sincere fashion because he's in dirk's fucking household. and this level 10 irony shit isnt doing dave any favors

his role models were the Internet and a vague idea of what Bro was like. So he built up his facade based on irony–not the literary definition of irony, as Rose might be quick to point out, but a popular concept of irony based on the idea that things that didn’t make sense actually made sense in some roundabout way. As a master of irony, Dave probably reasoned, he could see in a way other people couldn’t why a world that was scary and didn’t make sense really did make sense, and could therefore convince those people that he was superior to them. And he would wield his knowledge to maintain the appearance of superiority by calling everything ironic and pretending he didn’t care about things that didn’t make sense, and he would use walls of vaguely rhyming words to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t discover his insecurities (source)

roxy's style is the embodiment of post-irony. being raised by mom lalonde would be like being raised by joel vinesauce ok

what can i say ….. (getting meta about this actually, hussie got these jpeg wizard wallpapers from a spyware website. link takes some time to load because internet archive)

rose is quick to read post-irony as actually being a joke/insincere, which in bro's case would be true. but i believe dave's natural instinct, outside of the influence of bro, is to read post-irony as genuine, which is exactly how mom serves it. we see this as early as act 3 from him; he understands her motives better than rose does herself:

and in act 6 intermission 2 i think it's pretty clear

but the thing is, it's always genuine from her. dave wouldn't have to second guess it because he's not one to naturally second guess someone's sincerity; that was learned due to his bro being virtually unassailable

there two types of ironies at play here:

seems like a joke, is actually genuine (roxy)

doesnt seem like a joke, is actually a joke (dirk)

you can make the argument that the second is is more psychologically destructive because it makes you question the reality of what is genuine sentiment and what isn't. dave never knew what was genuine and what was irony so he just sort of existed in this sincerity-ironic limbo and always did the opposite of what he genuinely felt on principle even if it always did originate from a genuine place.

"it just a joke bro i was just being ironic i dont actually x" is so much more trust-breaking and psychologically damaging than "wait are you being serious" / "i am being so fucking fr rn davy gravy" / "ok thats actually pretty fucking awesome. giant ass wizard statue" / "RIGHT"

how much about dave would change do you think? his character arc would be completely different for one thing, i think he'd have it good aside from mom's alcohol issues. he'd be left with the sweet and funny parts of him that we see at the end of the comic. the fake coolguy stuff is out, but this remains. this is dave in his element and we see it as early as act 1

he'd probably have no shades growing up in the lalonde residence* either cause those were given to him by bro straight out of the crater as an extension of his own cool image. and john gave dave ben stiller’s aviators for his 13th birthday to replace them so he could “spread his wings”

dave said he was wearing them for the ironies but i kind of doubt it. maybe post-irony but there was some reacharound to it being genuine because dave never put those pointy anime shades on his face again.

*though... it’s kind of hard to imagine him without his shades at all? B2 dave still got stiller’s shades from stiller himself so maybe getting them is a universal constant. i can imagine mom getting him them as a birthday gift cause shes pretty wealthy and probably could buy it out in an auction. but also itd be cool if john still gave him it as a gift

dave is actually a lot more genuine and easy to read than he lets on even when grappling with his upbringing with B1 dirk (again, see this post). this can be seen all throughout he comic but a good example is the evolution of thoughts about his interest in the preserved dead things in his room:

if B1 roxy was dave's guardian he probably WOULD have pursued paleontology because she wouldve indulged him in it and probably find it cool and worthwhile to pursue, instead of allowing dave to flounder under ironic detachment, being poisoned by irony to the point of gaslighting himself into believing he doesnt actually believe he thinks this shit is cool. even if it was indulged in this such a way; a superficially kitsch and ironic appearing presentation, it comes from a genuine place and inspires genuine interest. just read the comments.

basically, i think if B1 roxy raised dave, their relationship would have a surface level appearance of being bizarre or over-the-top but they’d have an unsaid mutual understanding that it’s completely in earnest and just build on each other's funny and absurd gestures of affection. rather than seeing it as one-upping each other, it'd more like collaboration of some silly bullshit that you take a step back and look at full and just say, "fucking incredible"

speaking of paleontology, mom had the proto-ectobiology lab. maybe they'd be able to use the equipment to appearify paradox ghost imprints of the dead shit to create paradox clones of things from the cambrian era??? sounds like a fun mother son bonding activity. and theyd actually put the sciencey shit in the household to use

oh god i know exactly the kinds of music shed listen too also growing up as a teen in the 80s. she on that (post)-punk/art rock/new wave/new romantic mtv stuff. XTC shit fr. this is a B-52S HOUSEHOLD. maybe the associates for the campy melodramatic flair. so he gets to keep the record on his shirt cause he is an enjoyer of the shit in her vinyl collection. dave would still gravitate towards musical expression and music itself but of more variety outside of just rap, with an 80s-90s, even 70s flavor due to mom’s influence. see this for perhaps a glimpse. ​she probably visited new york city a lot for business trips and because the music scene was cool as hell around that time, imports came straight from jfk airport, she probably got in on that a bit and have remnants in the form of vinyls and cassettes. in this way she could be distributing void to dave (influencing him with forgotten / presently irrelevant music). now he can REALLY rave about bands none of his friends have heard of. “hey davy grvay watcha listenin to” (he holds up vinyl cover) “omg snakefinger”

btw dave lalonde would look like this to me

#homestuck #homestuck meta #dave strider #mom lalonde #roxy lalonde #hs #strilonde guardian swap

[hereticpriest]

Sriracha

Relationship: Dirk Brûlée x Reader

Warnings: Loss of parents, single mom reader raising her younger brother, rough sex, sex toys, sybian, vaginal fingering, oral sex, barely-there handjob, bad flirting, bad puns.

Once upon a time, if someone told you you would be going to a taping of Everything At Once, you would have laughed at them. A variety-talk show hybrid aimed at children wasn't something you ever thought you would be interested in. Once upon a time, you had your whole life together and spread out in front of you, ripe for the taking. You were enrolled in university, living in a decent apartment, with a stable boyfriend and a steady side job to support you. You spoke with your parents every few days, and had just attended your mother's wedding to your stepfather, with whom you had a decent relationship. She had you as a teenager, and the split with your father broke her heart, but your stepfather was a nice guy who brought some stability to her life. She gave birth to your new little brother shortly into your first year at university, and you loved to visit him whenever you could.

Now, you were a single mother to your younger brother, struggling to balance your responsibilities as a mother, father and sister with duties at work. Thankfully, you had a decent job as a PA for an art gallery owner who was also letting you intern with his art curator whenever you finished your work. Having an educated PA was a bonus that he wasn't about to let go of, and he paid well because you were loyal, and reliable, and probably at least a little bit because he pitied you. But you weren't above pity money - you needed it to take care of your little monster.

Your boss was also the only reason you managed to get these tickets and secure your place as 'best mom ever'. Being called mom wasn’t what you expected from the birth of your little brother, however, your parents passed away in a tragic accident when your brother was only four, and he barely remembered them. You were Mom more than you were his sister, and you’d learned to accept that over the last three years. Sean was a rambunctious seven year old, and like many kids his age, he was absolutely obsessed with Everything At Once. Your boss had connections with some of the crew of the show, and he was able to secure you tickets as a birthday gift.

"Not a good birthday gift for you, I suppose, but I know Sean is your world so hopefully it will suit." He’d said as he handed the tickets to you.

He knew you so well.

Which led you here, standing in the back of the studio with the other parents while Sean was led up into the audience by a friendly-looking young PA. Your baby was vibrating out of his light-up sneakers, and you couldn't stop smiling, happy to see him so excited. He'd insisted on dressing up like his idol, so he was wearing his most colourful clothes - a highlighter pink shirt and lavender pants, paired with his trusty light-up shoes. He had his Dirk Brûlée shirt stuffed into your purse so that he could see if he could get it signed after the taping, and a rather stunning photograph of the talk show host that you’d printed on expensive photo paper protected within a manila envelope. You had to promise to frame it in order for Sean to let you hold onto it during the taping.

Unlike your brother, you chose to wear a baby blue midi sundress with corset boning in the bodice, puffy sleeves, a tulle skirt, and a lovely neckline that enhanced your chest. It’s all very appropriate despite the attractive bodice, and paired with cute wedge sandals, it gives you a youthful and charming look. Despite not being on TV, you put on makeup and styled your hair to make sure you would look good since you didn’t want to embarrass yourself in front of anyone. You wanted to dress your age, while still looking like an adult, and you never got to wear this kind of clothing at work since they had a strict business casual-adjacent dress code at the gallery. This dress would never fly without a blazer, and a blazer would be uncomfortable with the sleeves.

"God, she's young isn't she?"

"Gotta be a teen mom. She looks like she's barely out of high school. If she even graduated.”

You frown. You'd think by now you would be used to how catty other parents could be, but somehow, you still let it get to you. The judgement. As if they knew anything about you. A deep, centering breath brings you back to the present - Sean is happy, and their words don't matter. Instead, you focus on your sweet little brother, the most important (and only) man in your life. The hype guy is riling up the kids, bouncing around with an excitement you wish you could muster but have been struggling to manage with the extra hours you've been taking on. By the time you go to bed every night, you’re exhausted, passing out in bed the minute your head hits the pillow.

Thank god for your friends, all of whom act as amazing aunts and uncles for Sean. Your oldest friend, Nadia, has a son only a year younger than Sean, and they're thicker than thieves so they hang out often. Nadia picks the boys up from school every night, and watches Sean until you get home from work just after 5. After work, you make dinner nearly every night, then take a shower while Sean finishes his homework that he started at Nadia’s. Together, you watch the newest episode of Everything At Once on the PVR since Nadia doesn’t believe in letting the kiddos watch TV, and it’s a nice little hour of cuddle time that forces you to relax on the couch. Once that’s done, you both clean up - Sean cleans the living room and his bedroom while you clean the kitchen and whatever else needs to be tidied. Cleaning up throughout the week gives you the chance to spend weekends with Sean, with only very rare Saturday evenings reserved for gallery events.

You’ve committed to driving him to school every day on your way to work, and you’ve never missed a day except when you’re sick as a dog. You give Sean every moment of your time that you can, leaving very little for yourself, and you’re starting to feel the burn out. You haven’t had a real break since the death of your parents, and at this point, you couldn’t afford one any time soon either. Your friends would take Sean if you needed them to, but you feel guilty not spending time with him when you have it. Perhaps sometime soon, it wouldn’t feel like a failure to take more than a night or two to yourself. Even tonight, you have your friend Garrett and his wife Kimmie picking Sean up from the studio to go to their house for the weekend for their son’s birthday celebration, giving you a weekend to yourself for the first time in ages, and you feel guilty.

A PA informs the parents that Dirk is about to come out, and you snap out of the deep well of your thoughts, brightening up at the sight of Sean’s excited little foot taps. The theme music kicks in, and Dirk Brûlée swings out through the glitzy, colourful streamers to the raucous applause of the kids. You smile fondly as he passes out high-fives and fist bumps, and you can see the brilliant smile that spreads across Sean’s face as he gets one of his own. Your heart melts, and everything you’ve ever missed out on for him is worth it just to see him this happy.

Dirk greets a couple more kids, then ruffles Sean’s hair as he passes him towards his chair, and the show begins. The first guests are always there for an experimental, goofy skit-like interview - today being the stars of a popular children’s show that you vaguely recognize as something Sean watched when he was younger. The interview plays into the stars’ characters, with humorous nods towards the adults in the crowd with vague jokes that would go over a child’s head. This is followed by Dirk’s typical dance break, in which he introduces the musical guest, then hypes the kids up and dances with them to the musical guest’s set. You laugh as Sean gets his turn, and spins Dirk the way he normally would spin you when you two dance together, and you can’t help but feel some warm bubblies towards Dirk for the way he goes along with it seamlessly. It’s sweet that he seems to genuinely enjoy the children - there’s a sparkle in his eye that you recognize as sincerity. It’s such a rare thing to see, and despite hearing rumours that Dirk is a giant diva, you decide that you like him just for the way he interacts with the kids.

Once the dance break is over, Dirk welcomes the musical guest on stage for an interview, and you’re impressed that he was able to get a popular up-and-coming boyband. His accent is softer after years spent away from his home country, but you can hear it in his ‘r’s and the way he pronounces words with ‘th’ sounds. You don’t know much about Dirk, but you know his mother is a famous French actress and his father was a Hollywood director. Maybe growing up in the industry is what made him such a natural interviewer. The conversation flows easily, with Dirk asking surprisingly poignant questions for a show with a primarily child audience. He strikes an easy balance between fun and serious, keeping the kids engaged while also managing to keep his guests entertained as well. After the musical guest, the last guest is introduced with a scene from an upcoming kids’ movie, and you smile as Dirk begins a rambunctious interview with an actor you think you know, but can’t quite place from where. The show ends with another little dance party, after which Dirk promises to meet all the kids and answer questions after a quick break.

Sean nearly knocks you off your feet when he runs to you, and you lift him up into your arms as you watch Dirk walk backstage over his shoulder. The moms who were talking shit earlier greet their kids - a blond little girl with a very cute bow and seemingly endless pout, and a dark-haired boy who looks like he fell out of a bland ‘aesthetic’ home magazine photo. The poor kid looks uncomfortable in his khakis and polo shirt - Sean would scream if you tried to put him in an outfit like that. The judgemental stares don’t bother you too much now that you’ve got Sean to distract you. So long as he doesn’t notice, you couldn’t care less what they think of you. You pause to chat with a couple while Sean shows their daughter his robot book (which he refuses to leave home without), then spend the last couple minutes of the break fending off a (hopefully?) single dad who doesn’t seem to understand that you’re not interested. Finally, Dirk emerges from the back area looking refreshed, and an assistant corrals the kids and their parents into a line for the meet and greet. You end up at the back of the line due to Sean having one of his shoes untied which you make him fix, but you remind the pouting kiddo that Dirk promised he would meet every kid, so it doesn’t matter where in the line he is.

Sean has never been quite good at being patient, but he dutifully tries his best, clinging to your hand while you wait. You smile as one of the dads seems to flirt with Dirk, indiscreetly giving him his phone number, his daughter oblivious as she clings to her father’s pant leg. Dirk handles it pretty smoothly, waiting until the man is out of view before giving the phone number to a PA to get rid of it. Another PA leads those who’ve finished their meet-and-greet towards the door to leave, and you watch absently as the room slowly empties as you get closer to the end of the line.

Sean rocks on his heels as you get closer to the end of the line, and you feel a little bad for Dirk as one of the moms from earlier tries to flirt with him while he does his best to distance himself while still being kind about it. It reminds you of all the men who flirt with you at the gallery, as if your job requiring you to be nice to them means that you’ll somehow be more inclined to let them take you out. You wonder for a moment how often this happens to him, and if he ever takes anyone up on it. He’s a handsome man - you don’t blame anyone for being interested in him. Even his obnoxious moustache doesn’t take away from his gorgeous face. He’s probably nearly double your age, but you wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers, as they say. Not that you needed the complication of a relationship on top of your seemingly endless pile of responsibilities.

Dirk’s in it for the kids, you realise as you watch him interact with them. He’s polite enough to the adults, but he lights up when he speaks with the children, genuinely interested in what they have to say. It isn’t in a creepy way either - it reminds you more of that feeling of meeting someone who you instantly connect and have something in common with. You wonder if perhaps the honesty of children resonates with him like it does for you. They hold nothing back, and when you treat them with respect and listen to what they have to say, they really blossom into something special. You can’t believe the amount of personality Sean has, and he’s only seven.

The line dwindles, and you begin to worry as you notice how long it’s taking. Perhaps, by the time it gets to Sean, Dirk might be tired of meet-and-greets and might rush things. Maybe you should’ve let him tie his shoes in line? You end up panicking for nothing - as the family before you departs, Dirk offers Sean a wide smile that makes his eyes crinkle charmingly.

“Hey! Nice to meet you. What’s your name?” Dirk asks, and Sean introduces himself eagerly.

“I’m Sean, and this is my mom- uh, sister. You can call her Mom - I do.” He informs Dirk with a blinding grin. Your cheeks get hot, and you pet Sean’s hair back out of his face.

“Hi, nice to meet you.” You murmur, giving him your name and letting him know that he very much does not need to call you Mom. You direct it at Sean just as much as Dirk, and the older man grins, taking your offered hand to kiss your knuckles instead of shake it. You swear his gaze runs quickly up and down your body, but the second you notice it, he looks away. He immediately directs his attention back to Sean, and you listen happily as your brother yaks the poor man’s ear off, telling him all about his robot book, how he picked his outfit especially to look like Dirk, and how he watched the show every day with you. The talk show host compliments his outfit and light-up sneakers, flipping through his book and commenting on a couple things, and you can see the way Sean thrives under the attention of the older man. Part of you laments the fact that you can’t give that same energy to him that he clearly craves.

Dirk offers to sign autographs and take photos, and you take several pictures of the two together before Dirk asks his PA to take a photo of the three of you. “Since you’re a fan too.” he claims, winking at you over Sean’s head as you approach. Your cheeks burn as he slides an arm around your waist even though it remains entirely appropriate. As you step away from him, you can still feel his heat against your side, and you wonder how he isn’t sweating his ass off in that leather jacket. Sean hands over his photo and shirt for Dirk to sign, which he does with a wide smile, his signature big and dramatic for the kids, and in a cherry red marker. You’re impressed with how quick he is while still keeping it legible.

“Vic, can you take Sean here to the prize room? Let him pick something special out, since he’s my last kiddo of the day.” Dirk instructs his PA, who seems surprised but happy enough to comply. Sean practically bounces out of his shoes as he grabs the young PA’s hand and follows her out of the room.

“Thank you for that. He… he really looks up to you.” You say as you’re left alone with the talk show host since security waits outside the room for the kids’ comfort. You don’t feel nervous being alone with him, even though normally you don’t particularly enjoy being alone with men.

“He looked like he needed it. So do you.” Dirk replies simply, shrugging and offering you a wry smile, “He’s a good kid.”

“He is. I never expected him, but he’s my entire world.”

“Unplanned pregnancy?” Dirk asks, but you can see from the look on his face that he’s only asking to coax the truth out of you - he doesn’t think Sean is yours. He didn’t miss the slip in your introduction. From the expression on his face, he’s not even trying to be subtle about it really.

“No, no, he’s my little half-brother. Our mom and his dad passed away in an accident when he was four. I was just out of uni, so I got custody of him. He doesn’t really remember them, so he calls me mom.” You reply, giving him the truth since he obviously wanted it, and not feeling guilty for putting that stricken look of sympathy on his face.

“I’m sorry.” Dirk murmurs earnestly, and you shrug your shoulders, managing a gentle smile.

“It’s okay. We’re doing okay. But this - today - really helps. He adores you. You give him a lot of confidence in his self-expression, and… I mean, I’m not naive, I know people talk about us. I know he knows, and I know he hears it sometimes. But you give him the confidence to brush it off most of the time, you know? I can’t thank you enough for that.”

Dirk takes a breath, shocked and touched, and you nearly jump out of your skin as he puts a hand on your arm.

“I think you’re discounting your own role in that.” He says gently, “it must be hard, becoming a mom right out of university. You’re only, what, 25 or 26?”

“Twenty-five.” You agree, and he nods. You watch his gaze trail over you again quickly, and you raise an eyebrow. He doesn’t seem as uncomfortable as he did with the other parents, though you’ve no idea why. You have no idea why he’s still talking to you. You expected him to maybe say hi and then go off to his dressing room or trailer. He was here for the kids, not the parents. He wasn’t here for you.

“Hey, gimme your phone for a sec.” Dirk instructs without room for negotiation, and you do it without thinking. He holds it up to you for Face ID to unlock it, then taps away while you try to scoot closer and peer at it.

“What are you doing?”

“Sending myself the photos we took today.” Dirk replies airily, smiling in a way that almost looks like he’s posing, then going back to typing.

“Oh… I can delete your number afterwards, don’t worry.” You reassure him.

“I’m not worried. Text me. I’d like to see you again.”

That makes you freeze, and you tilt your head, surprised.

“Sean, you mean?”

“No, you. It’s unfortunate that you’ve got the kid right now. I would’ve loved to make you my weekend plans.” Dirk muses with a hint of a pout, shameless as can be, while you stare at him in shock. He raises an eyebrow at your expression, a smug smile spreading across his lips as you do your best to catch up. Do you want to sleep with Dirk Brûlée? That’s what he’s asking for, right? He wants to fuck you, and he gave you his number (and took yours in return) to get a chance at something in the future. Are you really going to sleep with a talk show host who is likely nearly double your age and has a reputation as a diva? Then again, he doesn’t have a reputation for fucking around - not since he went to rehab some five or so years ago after a string of ill-advised flings and bad publicity.

“Sean is getting picked up from the studio to go to his friend’s house for their birthday sleepover.” You reply in a rush of breath, then blink in astonishment as if you hadn’t realised what you were saying. Dirk steps closer to you, skimming his hand up over your arm, his eyes darkening as he cups your cheek with his other hand.

“Come over to my place tonight. Stay the night. I’ll make you breakfast.” he demands, tipping your head back a little, his thumb stroking over your lips and down your throat. You choke on your own spit, eyes wide with shock at the way he’s touching you.

“I don’t have any clothes with me except what I’m wearing.”

“I’ll loan you something, pretty girl. How long has it been since you’ve had a break?” Dirk asks, and that makes you pause. He’s a high profile - it’s not like he’s going to kill you, probably. People saw you here, and you’ve got your location shared with Nadia at all times just in case. And honestly, you’ve got pretty good danger sense by now and you don’t get any bad vibes from the talk show host currently rubbing your hands in a tease of a massage, his thumbs skillfully digging into the meat of your palm in a way that makes you shiver. There’s a sincerity in his eyes. A desire that makes you think he might need this nearly as badly as you do.

“I drove here.” You inform him, and he hums, unworried.

“I assumed. Drive to my place. There’s plenty of room to park, and you’ll have the freedom to leave whenever you want. Have you eaten anything today? I can make dinner.” Dirk ends his stream of consciousness with an almost shy smile, and you feel your cheeks get hot at the intensity of his stare.

“Okay.” You finally reply, hesitantly lifting your hands to cup his cheeks, a twinge of heat licking up your spine when he leans into it, “Kiss me first.”

Surprisingly strong hands pull you in close, and you let yourself be drawn in, sliding your hands back in his hair and down over his shoulders as he leans in to press his lips against yours. He does not lure you into it - he doesn’t start sweet and gentle, or chaste and dry. Instead, he devours you, biting your lip and using your gasp to lick his way into your mouth. You thought his moustache would be ticklish, or at least feel unpleasant, but it doesn’t. He clearly grooms it well, and it isn’t scratchy against your skin. He moans into the kiss, adjusting to nip at you gently, sucking your lower lip into his mouth to scrape his teeth across it before kissing you properly again.

You hear footsteps approaching, gentle clicks of heels that make you gasp and pull away from Dirk with wide eyes. He grins as you hurry to wipe away the remnants of your lipstick from his face, then fix his hair to look less like you’ve been combing your fingers through it while he kisses you good enough to forget your own name. He rubs away a spot of smeared lipstick from your chin, then steps away a comfortable distance to flick through his phone as the PA from earlier, Vic, opens the door with Sean at her side blabbering away. He beams at the sight of you, holding a poster and a copy of the children’s book that Dirk wrote earlier this year. The man in question dutifully signs both for Sean, ruffling his hair while you try to collect yourself and thank Vic for taking care of your little monster.

Your phone buzzes, and you let out a soft sigh of relief, “Garrett and Kimmie are here, buddy, c’mon.”

Sean cheers, then shyly asks Dirk for a hug before he goes. You can’t help but melt a little as Dirk gives Sean a squeeze, then tells him to be good at the party. He catches your eyes, winking, then pats Sean on the shoulder as he says goodbye and departs for his dressing room. Vic leads you both out of the building, and you ask Sean if he wants to keep his merch to show his friend, or for you to take it home. The mental debate takes a while, but eventually, he gives it all to you to put in your car, just in case.

“You promised to frame stuff.” He reminds you, and you laugh.

“I did. I’ll get it done soon, I promise.”

Garrett and Kimmie meet you out front, and you help Sean into the car, putting his backpack at his feet so you can give him a couple of kisses and hugs. CJ, the birthday boy, complains until you walk around the car precariously close to the busy street to give him a hug as well, and then they’re off, leaving you alone. Once upon a time, you were very used to being alone, but now? Now, it felt empty. Maybe it was a good thing you’ve been picked up by the wild tv show host. You’re sure you’d go mad on your own all weekend.

You head to your car in the small parking area for audience members, putting Sean’s things into the back seat. As you settle into the driver’s seat and examine yourself in the mirror, you realise that your lipstick is basically gone, and you hope Sean was too excited about the day to notice. Your phone buzzes, and you find Dirk’s face looking back at you in his contact photo.

Address attached. Txt me when u get here n I’ll open the gate.

A pause, and then another message comes through.

The pool n hot tub r nice today. I’ll give u sumthin to swim in. If u want? Can u swim? R u allergic 2 anything? Do u like Thai food?

Well, he texts pretty much exactly how you figured he would. Somehow, it isn’t the turn off you thought it might be.

I can swim. It might be nice since it’s hot out today. Maybe I should go home first and get clothes? Are you even going to be there if I leave right away? I don’t have any allergies, and I like pretty much everything.

Already omw home. Driver. Up to u but I wanna see u in my clothes.

Okay, see you soon.

The drive to Dirk’s house isn’t too terrible, even with a bit of traffic. You start to get excited on the drive, as nervous as you are, to finally relax a little and do something for yourself. It’s been a long time since you’ve had the chance to let loose. You haven’t been on a date since your parents passed away, and you’ve only had a single one night stand since then. The most romantic relationship you’ve had has been with your vibrator. Based on the kisses he gave you earlier, you’re fairly sure Dirk will be able to give you a good night. If he doesn’t, at least you’ll get to lounge in his hot tub, sleep in what you imagine is a lavish bed, and maybe he’ll even feed you. Worst case scenario, you’re plenty good at getting yourself off.

Dirk Brûlée’s house is stunning. You’re not necessarily surprised - his vibrant aesthetic wasn’t necessarily what was popular these days, but it was something you saw often in the art community, and it worked for him. The house is an off-white brick with flowers and vines painted across it. The door is a large, old wooden thing that reminds you of a castle, as do the stained glass windows. The path up to the door is made of painted stones, and vibrant flowers line the flowerbeds along the sides of the path and the side of the house. You can’t wait to see the inside.

Your house is beautiful. I’m outside.

You pop a stick of gum into your mouth just to make sure your breath is fresh despite the fact that you’ve already made out with Dirk less than an hour ago. You grin when the gate begins to open, and you pull into the driveway to park. Your phone buzzes, and you glance at it as you turn your car off, your cheeks getting hot as you see the message.

Can’t wait 2 c u. I wanna take care of u n make u feel good, mon chou.

As you’re getting out of the car, you hear the front door open and nearly trip over your own feet when you see Dirk. He’s changed since he got home. He’s replaced his vibrant outfit with a pair of jeans that look painted on and a colourful apron with ‘Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Mike Echo’ on the front. You snicker despite how cheesy it is, though you’re distracted when you realise he isn’t wearing a shirt underneath. As soon as you’re close enough, he pulls you into a kiss that has you clinging to the straps of his apron and trying to tuck your gum into your cheek. He leads you inside despite your distracted state, relieving you of your purse and setting it on the table in the front entrance. Your arms slip around his neck, trusting him to hold your weight while you carefully toe off your heels and tuck them out of the way. You only break the kiss when you smell what he’s cooking, and he mouths along your jaw and neck as you breathe in.

“God, what is that?”

“Mm, I’m making Thai lettuce wraps and fish tacos. Shouldn’t be long before it’s done.” He replies against your throat, the depth of his voice vibrating through you.

“God, that sounds delicious.” You murmur, tangling your fingers in his hair and hissing as Dirk sinks his teeth into the meat of your breast, “Ow! If you’re that hungry, I have something else you can eat, baby.”

Dirk laughs at your cheesy come-on and playfully sultry tone, nipping your chin, then kissing you properly while he backs you through the house towards the kitchen. You’d love to get a good view of Dirk's gorgeous home, but you’re far too distracted by the way this stupidly hot older man is licking his way into your pliant mouth while his hands smooth down your back to grab handfuls of your ass. When you part for breath, Dirk grins as he starts to chew, and that's when you realise that he stole your gum. With any other guy, it would probably be not just weird, but gross. You know it’s gross. And yet, something about it makes your cunt throb, and you tug on his hair as punishment for his thievery.

“Sugar, if you wanted gum, you could’ve asked.” You croon at him, and he laughs then blows a bubble. You bite it to pop it, taking the gum from him and dropping it in the garbage can at the end of the island in Dirk’s stupidly pretty kitchen. You finally get a good look at the interior of the house, and you’re not surprised to find it colourful, but you’re impressed by how cohesive it is. The blend of complementary colours in the open concept kitchen, dining room and living room make each room’s most impressive features pop. In the kitchen, vintage appliances in mint green and hand-painted tiles. In the living room, a mismatch of comfortable furniture including a royal purple chaise lounge and a phthalo green cabriole sofa. Last but certainly not least, in the dining room, a china cabinet full of what looks like uranium glass pieces that you definitely want to get a closer look at.

“Ma déesse.” Dirk murmurs against your ear, and you hum inquisitively, not understanding him but recognizing at least that ‘ma’ is a possessive and that means he’s probably talking to or about you. He nibbles at your ear, then finally breaks away from you, “Je dois finir de cuisiner.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying, honey, but you can keep talking all you like.” You reply simply, drawing another chuckle from Dirk as he finally gets back to cooking. You leave him to it, venturing into the dining room to peer at his uranium glass collection. It’s all well-maintained and unscratched, so you think it’s probably safe to be around, especially behind the thick glass of the china cabinet. It truly doesn’t take much longer for dinner to be ready, and you hum with excitement when Dirk calls for you, practically prancing up behind him and putting your arms around his waist. He sighs blissfully as you nuzzle your cheek against his back, stopping in place to enjoy the feeling, and you feel a twinge in your heart as you realise that despite being a tv show host and a relatively high profile person, he doesn’t have a lot of contact that he wants. You think back to today when that one mom kept touching his arm, and how you’d sympathised with him due to your own experiences with being harassed by overeager buyers at the gallery. Breathing in the scent of his cologne, you nip at the bare curve of his shoulder blade, sliding your hands under the apron to stroke his stomach.

“Mmm, thanks for cooking, handsome. How can I possibly repay you?” You coo teasingly, playing with his treasure trail, and he practically purrs as he leans into your touch.

“Plus-tard, tu peux sucer ma bite. Nous devons d'abord manger.” He murmurs, twisting in your arms and gripping the back of your neck, tilting your head back for a proper kiss.

“Mmm, uh huh, whatever you say.” You reply against his lips between kisses, draping your arms around his neck and laughing as he blows a raspberry against your mouth. You slap at his chest in an attempt at getting away from the strong grasp he has on you. He turns you around and slaps you on the ass, then turns back to keep plating your meal.

“Go sit down. Island or dining room, whatever tickles your fancy. What do you want to drink? I have pomegranate juice, orange juice, Sprite, Dr. Pepper and… I think I have Coke? Somewhere?” Dirk bends to peer into his fridge, and you watch with a raised eyebrow and a sly smile, examining the plentiful curve of his ass.

“Oh, you should definitely keep looking for that Coke.” You reply playfully, and Dirk snorts, glancing back at you over his shoulder.

“Should I? Is that what you want to drink?”

“Mhmm, yeah, haven’t had a Coke in like six years but it is DEFINITELY what I want to drink today if it keeps you bent over.”

That earns you a genuine laugh, the pleasantly baffled sort that says he’s not quite sure how he got you to himself. You giggle as he bends over a little further, back arched dramatically just for the laughs it earns him. He gives a loud ‘Aha!’ as he straightens up with a bottle of Coke in hand, wiggling his eyebrows at you.

“Now you’ve gotta drink it.”

“Ohh, woe is me.”

“Find a seat, ma chérie, or you’ll never get what you’re so clearly gagging for.” Dirk retorts, and you feel your cheeks get hot even as you pull one of the low-backed stools at the island out. He sets a plate in front of you, followed by the bottle of Coke, then pecks your cheek as he rounds the island to take his own seat.

“God, this looks so good. If you want me to make you breakfast in return, I definitely can.” You offer, but Dirk shrugs, reaching across to squeeze your thigh under the skirt of your dress. You moan around a bite of a Thai lettuce wrap, eyes rolling back in your head at the savoury bite of the peanut sauce.

“I like taking care of you.” He replies simply, then folds the little soft shell tortilla of his fish taco and takes a massive bite. You snicker, reaching across to wipe sauce off of the corner of his mouth and laughing as he licks it off your fingertips. Dinner is a relaxing affair, with you both mostly just devouring your food and occasionally feeding each other. Which generally ends in giggling and having to clean each other up when you accidentally smush sauce on each other’s faces, but you don’t mind. The food is delicious, and you’re fairly sure that even if he sucks in bed, you’d probably stick around for a round 2 just to get more food and the chance to keep giggling with him. You haven’t had this good of a time in years.

Once you’re done with eating, you collect your plates and bring them over to put them in the dishwasher as instructed. You yelp as Dirk steps up behind you, slipping his arms around you to cup just under your breasts, lifting them so he can cup them in his palms. He bites gently along the curve of your neck, pressing his hips into your butt so you can feel his growing erection. A grin stretches across your lips, and you bend at the waist so you can put the dishes into the dishwasher, laughing at the soft groan Dirk lets out as he strokes his hands up and down the curve of your back.

“You’re so fucking hot.” Dirk mutters, and you give a little wiggle of your hips, then straighten up and lean back into his chest.

“You’re so fucking easy.” You retort, and he snorts, sliding his hands around to squeeze your tits again.

“For you? Hell yeah, baby.” He retorts, kissing along your shoulder as he gently squeezes and massages your chest. A breathy moan escapes your lips, and you lean back into his chest firmly, letting him hold your weight as he rolls his thumbs over your nipples through the fabric of your dress and bra. Dirk whispers in french against your ear, but you can barely pick up the words, far too keyed up to focus on anything but the feeling of his big hands squeezing your chest. You reach behind you to clutch at his hair and Dirk groans softly against your ear, peppering kisses across your cheek. He spins you in his arms, laughing as you instantly pull the neck of the apron over his head, tossing it to the side so you can get your hands on his bare skin.

"Have you stretched today?" Dirk asks while stroking your sides, grabbing handfuls of your hips and squeezing. You moan quietly, running your open hands over his chest so you can feel the tickle of his chest hair against your palms.

"Uh..." Your cheeks grow hot, and you feel stupid, but can't help yourself but ask, "Do you mean my-"

Dirk interrupts you with a laugh, kissing you softly as he nuzzles his nose against yours in a surprisingly affectionate manner, "No, mon trésor, your pretty body. These incredible legs."

You gasp as he pulls one of your legs up to his hip, squeezing your thigh hard enough to almost hurt in a delicious way that sends sparks up your spine. You're already wet and he's barely even touched you.

"Uhm, I did yoga during my lunch break." You mumble, "for like, fifteen minutes."

Another laugh, and Dirk kisses you again, hooking his hands under your thighs and lifting you up onto his hips. You cling to his back as he carries you further into his house. You pass a simple bathroom that seems to have mosaics in tile across the floors and walls in the brief glance you get, then a series of photographs and accolades in the stairwell up to the second floor. Dirk pauses by a dark room that seems to be relatively empty, before humming to himself in a way that you read as ‘maybe later’ before he continues on past another bathroom and what looks like two guest bedrooms. An office is next, and then he’s kicking open the door to the master bedroom. This room seems to be the most normal in the house, though it is no less artistic. There’s a huge stained glass window and door that leads to a balcony with gold leafing on the metal. The California king-sized bed is pushed into an arch-shaped alcove in the wall, piled high with blankets, and resting on a plush carpet that you’re sure would feel like silk under your toes. The walls are aegean blue and covered with large, extremely intricate gold mandalas that you can’t help but stare at even as Dirk works a lovebite into the delicate skin of your throat.

“Your bedroom is beautiful.” You mumble, and he hums what may have been a thank you as you stroke his hair. There’s a large walnut vanity against the opposite wall of the bed, though the spot across from the end of the bed is taken up by what absolutely must be a custom mirror considering the size of it and the intricacy of the gold-leafed frame. There’s a door next to the vanity that leads to what looks like a massive bathroom, and the closet has double doors, so you assume it’s a walk-in. Dirk carries you over to the bed and lays you back on his navy sheets, crawling over you as he kisses down the centre of your chest.

“Can I take your dress off?” He asks, and you groan softly, trying to remember what underwear you wore today. A lick to the top of your breast wipes that thought from your mind, and you nod quickly, breath stuttering in your throat. Dirk loosens the corset bodice with clever fingers, nuzzling his nose and tickly moustache against the skin between your breasts. You lift your hips as he pulls the dress up to your waist, then let him support the arch of your back as he tugs it over your head, and your cheeks get hot as you realise what you’re wearing underneath. Dirk freezes, licking his lips, and you groan softly with embarrassment.

Large hands skillfully unclip your cow-print bra, and you let out a ragged gasp as Dirk bites the curve of your breast as he removes it. You almost think he’s going to let you get away with it until he rolls his tongue over your nipple, gives it a quick suck, then pouts up at you as he rests his chin against your chest.

“Aww, I thought I’d get a little milk for my efforts.” he teases, and you bat at him.

“It’s my laundry day! You try having a fucking seven year old!” You complain, cheeks on fire.

“Non, non, ne vous méprenez pas. J'aime votre lingerie.” Dirk insists, and you scowl at him until he realises his use of his native tongue, “Don’t misunderstand me. I love your underwear, my sweet girl. Especially these.”

You gasp as he tugs on the front of the novelty thong you’re wearing, a white strip of a thing with ‘I love cock sauce’ written on the front. His grin makes you want to slap him, but you refrain, just barely. You’re tempted to make excuses and tell him that it was novelty underwear that came in a box of extra hot hot sauce, but you decide against it.

“And here I thought you’d be more interested in what’s beneath it.” You purr, pushing him back a little so he can watch as you pull your thong aside, rub your fingers through the wet mess of your cunt, then slide one finger inside of yourself. Dirk groans lowly, stroking your thighs as he watches, his pupils blown with desire. You smirk at him as you add a second finger on your next thrust, and finally, Dirk snaps out of his awed surveillance. He leans down to kiss along your stomach, using his knees to spread your legs wider while slapping your hand away, then cupping your cunt in his palm.

“How much do you care for that thong?” Dirk asks quietly, and you raise an eyebrow at him.

“I don’t.”

“Fantastique.” He replies, gripping the fabric in one hand and ripping it off of you, “I’ll give you some of mine instead.”

You stare at him with an open mouth, not your most attractive look, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He cups you again, leaning down to trail his lips across your chest, swirling his tongue around your nipples as he sucks first one, and then the other into his mouth.

“Your moustache tickles.” You mumble and he laughs quietly against your skin, “S’kinda nice.”

“I’m glad you like it, chérie. Let me know how it feels on your pretty cunt, oui?” He coos playfully, kissing his way down your stomach. He leans up for a moment to say ‘Alexa, play red playlist’ before dipping back down to swirl his tongue in your belly button in a way that makes you yelp and laugh. Music fills the room at just the right volume, and you run your fingers through Dirk’s caramel hair as the low instrumentals fill the room. You’re surprised to find the vibes just right - not too serious, not the bassy kind of shit that acts more as a pace-guide than anything else, and nothing loud enough to take you out of the moment. It takes Dirk a second to get settled between your legs, and you feel your cunt throb as you just barely hear him mumbling to himself over the music.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m introducing myself to your pretty little pussy, ma déesse. Telling her how pretty she is. How much I’m going to love on her.” Dirk replies, “I’ll make you feel so good, princesse. Tu me rends fou - fuck, so fucking stunning.”

You cover your face, whining softly as he finally leans in to kiss your clit, gentle as can be. His moustache tickles, and you start to close your legs, but he gives your thigh a sharp slap.

“Open, baby. Let me lick your pretty little pussy. She’s so lonely.” Dirk coos, pouting sympathetically up at you, then running the flat of his tongue across the length of your cunt. You arch off the bed, and he puts an arm over your stomach to hold you still as he laps up the honey dripping from you.

“God, Dirk, Jesus!” You gasp, and he snickers.

“Calling out to all of your deities, princesse?” he teases, closing his lips around your labia and sucking gently to love on all of you. He’s sloppy at first, intentionally so, warming you up with wide laps of the flat of his tongue, then fucking his tongue into your clenching heat while you gasp and yank on his hair. He doesn’t seem bothered at all by how rough you are with him, humming happily as he closes his lips around your clit and you nearly yank his hair out at the roots.

“Fuck, fuck, why’re you so good?” You moan, and Dirk practically purrs, delving in a little more eagerly. He rolls his tongue over your clit, trapping the sensitive bud in his mouth while he presses two thick fingers into your cunt. You nearly kick him in the ribs, gasping for breath at the sudden fullness, since his digits are far thicker than yours and it’s been a while since you’ve had a play time with your vibrator.

“Relax, mon trésor, I’ll take care of you. Je vais te faire sentir si bien. Vous ne voudrez jamais partir.” He coos, and noticing the way you yank on his hair, he glances up to meet your eyes and translate for you, “I’m going to make you feel so good, baby. You’re never going to want to leave.”

Your moans are probably deafening - you can’t tell if you’re being too loud, you’re too lost in sensation as Dirk’s fingers press into the spot inside of you that makes you clench around him tight enough that he chuckles. He strokes that spot as he rolls your clit in his mouth, and you feel your spine stiffen as you get closer to the edge.

“You’re going to strangle my cock.” He teases, and you groan in response, pushing his face back down against your cunt needily.

“Keep your mouth busy, m’so close.”

“Demanding.” he coos, and it sounds like praise as he gets back to work on your dripping pussy.

“Shut the fuck up, oh my god, please, make me cum.” You beg, and Dirk laughs against you, thrusting his fingers faster into you as he sucks your clit with a bit more determination, finally taking your pleasure a little bit more seriously. He moans around you, spreading his fingers a little to stretch you open a bit more. The pressure builds and builds, and you yank on his hair as a hard suck to your clit sends you reeling over the edge of the cliff into oblivion. Your vision goes white, your legs shaking like a leaf in a hurricane, and Dirk strokes them soothingly as he laps up the evidence of your release. He pulls away just as you start to get overly sensitive, and he kisses a trail up your belly as he settles between your legs.

“Fuck.” You pant, staring up at the ceiling as your vision is returned to you, and you blink a couple of times.

“Such a foul mouth.” Dirk teases playfully, kissing you so softly you barely even feel it. His moustache is wet with your essence as he drops his lips to kiss along your neck, letting you catch your breath. He seems so unhurried, but you can feel the throb of his cock through his too-tight jeans. When you look down, you find them undone, likely to give himself some breathing room, and you smile at the sight of the pink head of his cock sticking out from the waistband of his boxers.

“Take those stupid jeans off. You’re gonna cut circulation off to your balls with pants that tight.” You mutter, and he laughs but obediently shuffles out of his trousers, shedding his boxers along with them.

“You okay for more, or do you need a break?” Dirk asks, and you roll your eyes at him.

“I’m fine. Don’t get cocky.” You retort, and he shows you his teeth with how wide he grins.

“Okay, Miss ‘Why are you so good?’. I’m just being polite.”

Your cheeks are on fire as you spit in your hand and wrap it around him, stroking him from base to tip. You’re just a little bit mean with the way you squeeze the head, then reach down to cup and roll his balls in your palm. He chokes, then laughs breathily as he arches into your hand, a rumbly groan rising in his chest.

“Okay, okay, point taken. C’mon, chérie, hands and knees.” Dirk ‘helps’ you roll over onto your belly, though it’s more of a hindrance than anything since he keeps grabbing and squeezing your ass. You situate yourself, getting as comfortable as you can, knowing this is going to be a lot but unwilling to stop. Dirk strokes your lower back, adjusting the angle as he rubs the head of his cock against you. You try to relax, but you’re admittedly nervous - he’s the biggest you’ve ever taken, and you know his girth is going to be a bit overwhelming at first.

“Deep breath, baby. Biiiig stretch.” Dirk coos, and you would kick him if he wasn’t pressing the thick head of his cock into you, wiping every thought you’ve ever had from your mind. You grip his sheets tightly, going from your hands to bracing on your forearms with one single thrust. You feel uprooted. Unmoored and awash in riptide by the stretch of too much too fast. It feels like it goes on forever, but eventually, Dirk’s pelvis presses up against your ass, and he pets your lower back adoringly. You can feel his groan vibrating through you despite the fact that he isn’t leaning over your body yet, and you’re surprised to find it as loud as your own cry of his name. He stays still for the moment, letting you catch your breath while you deal with the fact that you can feel him in your lungs - can barely breathe for how deep he is.

“Not compensating.” You mumble under your breath, dizzy with fullness, and Dirk hums inquisitively, but you shake your head.

“Are you okay?” He asks, and you reach back one arm to smack him as if he’s doing something wrong by checking in. Luckily, he seems to find it amusing, as he chuckles at you and catches your hand. You shiver as he slides his hand up your forearm.

“Wait, Dirk-” You protest, but you’re not quick enough. He pulls you up by your arm, grabbing the other with his free hand, and you cry out at the change in angle. The pressure inside of you eases as he slowly pulls out, but the relief is short-lived, and you whine as he thrusts back in rather sharply. He sets a measured pace, not too slow, but not quick enough that you don’t take every single inch of him with every rock of his hips. Strong hands hold you by the arms, keeping you somewhat upright as he makes a solid effort at breaking you. Your breasts bounce every time he ruts into you, and if you were capable of conscious thought at the moment, you’d realise how sore you’re going to be later from this position. Eventually, Dirk seems to have pity, releasing his grip on your arms and pushing you down into the mattress instead, panting fervent French as he rocks your world.

You’re drooling. You can feel it under your face, and you’re fairly sure you’re cross-eyed, lost in the pleasure he’s giving you. You can feel yourself rocking back into his thrusts, taking as eagerly as he gives it to you, forcing him to be just a little rougher. If you’re going to ache later, you want it to be a bone-deep ache that’s worth the monumental effort. His hand slides up your spine to cup the back of your neck, both of you slick with sweat, and you have no idea how long it is before his other hand slips between your legs and starts to play with your aching clit.

“Come for me, love, come on. Fuck, you’re so fucking gorgeous, how the fuck did I get you to come home with me? C’mon baby, lemme make you feel good. Let go for me.” Dirk groans behind you, and you feel dizzy and cockdumb as he finds the right angle to send you screaming over the edge again. A ragged groan rips from your lover’s lips as you clench around him, and his hips stutter, the pace of his thrusts ruined. You cling to the sheets as you feel heat flood your cunt, the last couple of pumps of Dirk’s hips fucking it deeper into you. He doesn’t collapse atop you, instead carefully manuevering the both of you until you’re laying against his bare chest, face nuzzled into his fuzzy pec.

“You okay?” Dirk asks after a few minutes of panting for breath and snuggling. You groan against his skin.

“I think you broke my hips.” You retort, and he laughs, giving you a gentle squeeze on the butt.

“I promise I didn’t, chérie. Relax a little longer, then I’ll clean us up. Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Dirk asks, and you melt at his gentle tone, pouting a little as you consider your options.

“Maybe. Is more off the table?”

“Never, ma déesse.” Dirk replies, and you hum, leaning up to kiss him softly. He pets your hair back out of your face, lips pressing to your eyelids, and then your nose before returning to your wanting mouth.

“Don’t commit to something you can’t keep up with. I know you’re older than me.” You remind him, and he gives a diva-like gasp, though he’s still grinning.

“I’m only forty.” He protests, “Still plenty young enough to rock your world. Clearly.”

You giggle, using every ounce of willpower you have to pull yourself up from your position snuggled up against his side, throwing a leg over his hips so you can sit on top of him.

“So, you’re ready to fuck me again?” You ask, brow raised skeptically. He snorts, holding your hips to keep you steady and pushing his thumbs into the softer skin in the curve of your pelvis.

“Find me a guy older than 20 who can manage that, ma petite femme. But, I can take care of your pretty little cunt until I’m ready.” Dirk promises, sweeping his hands up over your sides, “Wanna meet Crème Brûlée?”

You can’t help but laugh, leaning down to kiss him again, “Didn’t I already?”

He laughs, rolling you both over so he can get up, then helping you to your feet. Your legs are a little unsteady, so he pointedly raises an eyebrow at you, but helps you from the room.

“I am not juvenile enough to have named my dick.” he insists, and you snort, following him towards the dark room he’d mused over earlier that night.

“Liar. I don’t believe that for a second!”

“Well, I’m certainly not telling you when you’re just going to make fun of me. Calling me old and cocky. Very rude.” He teases as he opens the door fully and flicks on the light. The room is a deep, royal purple, with one wall entirely taken up by mirrors. There’s a large vanity by the window, and racks of outfits that look like they each might’ve cost a thousand dollars minimum. There’s also a massage table tucked into a corner, likely only pulled out when it’s to be used.

“This is where I keep my nicer stuff. Including Crème Brûlée.” Dirk gestures to the centre of the room, where a dark waterproof mat is set out, and upon which rests what you vaguely recognise as a sybian from a little too much time on the Hub. Your eyes go wide as saucers, and Dirk strokes your lower back soothingly, nipping the tip of your ear.

“Is that…?”

“Mhm. No pressure, baby. If you aren’t into it-”

“I am very into it. Very. Gimme a second to take this in.” You cut him off, and he laughs quietly as he slips up behind you instead. His lips trail a path across your shoulder, hands stroking over your bare stomach before one slips between your legs to collect the cum leaking from you and push it back inside, “These are like, several grand.”

Dirk hums his agreement, stroking wet fingers over your clit, “With the attachments? Certainly. Do you wanna try him out?”

You whimper, grabbing and squeezing his forearm gently as you consider it.

“Yeah. But I don’t want you to stop touching me.” You admit, and he sighs dreamily, rewarding you with slow strokes to your clit.

“I won’t. I can sit behind you, play with your pretty body while you ride it. Once I’m ready, I can even fuck you on it. We can see how many times I can make you come before me.” Dirk’s offer is salacious, and you wet your lips, excitement sending heat burning up your spine.

“Yeah… yeah, ruin me.” You request, and you feel Dirk’s groan as much as you hear it. He guides you over to the toy, wiping it down with a body-safe sex toy cleaner just to be extra safe before he guides you to sit atop the grinder pad. He lets you get settled, fetching a bottle of lube that he sets on the corner of the mat within reach, then sits behind you on the machine. You sigh as he warms up some lube in his hand before he generously rubs it into your cunt, coating you in it to protect you from any possible irritation since the grinder pad is big enough to cover most of you. Once you’re settled and comfortable, he rubs the excess over his cock and balls just in case, then reaches for the remote.

“Ready, baby?”

“Ready. I want you to fuck me again as soon as you’re ready. Need to feel you stretch me open again.” You murmur, breathless with excitement, and it’s the last coherent thought you have for quite some time. The vibration starts relatively gentle, but still overwhelming in your post-orgasmic state. You tremble, attempting to lift your hips, but Dirk grabs you and holds you down.

“Ah, ah, ah. Be a good girl.” Dirk commands, and your spine turns to jelly. It’s too easy to make you come this quickly after the last one. As soon as Dirk turns the sybian up a notch, and then two, you’re crying out for mercy as you lean back into his sturdy chest, your hands reaching back to blindly tangle in his hair. One orgasm turns into two as he turns it up even higher, and you can hear yourself sobbing, distantly, almost like it’s someone else. Dirk gently pushes you to lean forwards, and you gasp for air as the blunt head of his cock presses into you mercilessly. He pulls you back to sit on him, positioning you so that your clit is still rubbing against the grinder pad, and you see stars. Lightning flashes behind your eyes as two turns to three.

“Gripping me like a vice.” Dirk growls against your shoulder, and you sob his name, clinging to him like he’ll save you from the torment he’s putting you through, “I’m not going to last if you keep this up.”

Like it’s your fault.

You scream as your fourth orgasm on the sybian rips through you like a bullet, and you’re shaking as Dirk finally pulls you up off of the machine, laying you down beside it with a fresh load of his cum stuffed deep inside you. He turns off the machine, collapsing beside you on the mat and pulling you into his arms, panting for breath. You blink to try and clear the fog from your brain, glancing at his watch to find you’ve been on the sybian for quite a while, even if it’s felt like both five seconds and five hours.

“You okay?” Dirk asks again, and this time, you curl into his arms and nod sleepily.

“So, so beyond okay.”

~

You wake in the morning curled up in Dirk’s lavish bed, naked but clean, your face buried in his chest. His arm is looped around your shoulders, your legs tangled together, and the sound of his heartbeat is so soothing you almost go back to sleep. Instead, you sit up, straddling Dirk’s leg simply because of the position you’d been in when you awoke. He blinks blearily up at you, rubbing one large hand over his face, then yawning.

“Bonjour.” He mumbles, and you smile, leaning down to kiss him closed-mouth to avoid morning breath. He smiles up at you in that dreamy way that makes you melt like warm butter, “There’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom. I’ll use the other one. Steal whatever you need, and I’ll get some clothes for you.”

You thank him, slipping out of bed and stretching, bare as the day you were born. It takes you a second to walk properly, but you manage, heading into the bathroom to wash up. By the time you leave, the bedroom is empty save for a shirt and a pair of boxers on the vanity. The shirt is a Dirk Brûlée shirt which makes you snicker, while the boxers have little Sriracha bottles on them and ‘Flaming Hot’ on the ass.

When you enter the kitchen, you find Dirk cooking breakfast in a pair of obnoxious silk boxers while listening to 80s pop music. He smiles at you as you come into view and sit at the island, a hint of something in his eyes that makes your tummy do somersaults. You grab a knife from the block, and an apple from the fruit bowl on his counter, cutting it into slices while you watch him shimmy around the kitchen cooking what looks like far too much food for two. You’re far too fond of him to protest. Instead, you pop a slice of apple into your mouth and stare at the little dimples in his lower back.

“How do you want your eggs, ma petite femme?” Dirk asks, and you gaze dreamily at his stupidly pretty face, chin propped up on your fist.

“Fertilised.” You reply mindlessly, then slip another slice of apple into your mouth. Dirk’s laugh is loud and disbelievingly happy, and he leans across the island to kiss you.

“I can make that happen.”

“Should I throw out my birth control?” You ask playfully, and he snickers.

“Who says I haven’t already?” 

“Usually you don’t tell someone when you’re gonna baby trap them, honey.”

“Is it a trap if you know about it?” Dirk queries, flipping a pancake and grinning at you. You can’t help yourself. You get up from your stool, circling the island to wrap your arms around his waist and bury your face in his back.

“You can baby trap me any day, sugar.”

~

The weekend passes in a whirlwind of laughter and fun and ridiculously good sex. You try out Dirk’s hot tub, then laze around catching sun in his pool. Overheated, you both lay on the couch to watch a movie with cold juice, cuddling even though you’re both too hot for it to be totally comfortable. Dirk translates his pet names for you, though he refuses to translate ‘ma petite femme’ even though that one seems the most obvious to you. He tells you his future plans for the show, and listens while you tell him all about your job at the gallery.

You both take a good hundred pictures throughout the weekend, though neither of you post any of them. You make lunch, and Dirk orders out for dinner as a little treat. He doesn’t like going out too often since most restaurants have the allure of alcohol, and he’s still recovering. He shows you his five year coin, which he keeps on him at all times. He tells you about his parents, and you tell him about yours, and Sean, and he strokes your hair as you vent a little bit about how hard it’s been raising him on your own.

By Sunday afternoon, you dread the thought of leaving. You’ve always been quite independent, but you don’t want to be away from Dirk. He promises to call you, offers several times to let you stay over with Sean, though you both agree that might be a little weird for the poor kid and decide against it. He kisses you about a thousand times before letting you leave, and you see him watching you from the window as you drive off.

Your home feels cold and lifeless when you get home, and you lament the lack of colour. You’ve never been bold enough to go wild with decorating your condo, knowing you’ll have to pay an arm and a leg to repaint it should you ever want to sell. You’ve been home for twenty minutes and you’re already sick of it. As you sit at your computer, still wearing Dirk’s shirt, boxers and a pair of gym shorts, you google ‘ma petite femme’ on a whim.

The direct translation is ‘my little woman’, but you note that it is used instead to mean ‘my little wife’ in practice.

You change into your own clothes, then head out to get groceries for the week. As you’re on your way home, you stop in at a nearby store where you pretend you’ve never been before as a very upstanding single mother. You walk out with a discreet bag, and head home to put away your groceries. Finally, once you’re done and you’ve sufficiently adulted for the day, you unwrap your purchase. Three hours after you left Dirk’s house, he receives a photo of a vibrant pink cock ring in a ring box, and a simple text message.

You need to rename your sybian. I wanna be Crèmed Brûlée.

#Dirk Brûlée x reader #everything at once #Dirk Brûlée #what the hell is this #i do not apologize #daniel brühl #daniel bruhl

[nikolaiar]

I’m just put my Homestuck headcanon a cause I can fuck you:

John:

Okay so he so would’ve watched buzzfeed unsolved y’all do know that right?

He used to watch those “top 5 cryptid” videos when he was a kid and gave himself nightmares

He’s jewish

He wears only those really uncomfortable looking sweaters cause his dad says they make him look handsome

He was bullied so bad

When he gets older he smokes so much godbless

He has those glow in the dark stars on his ceiling and has a UFO nightlight

He has a slight 1950’s accent cause of his dad (you know what I mean)

Rose:

She watched Twilight. That’s basically fact.

She had a huge thing for Wednesday Adams and wanted to be her so bad, she got mad at Mom for liking pink and stuffed animals cause she wanted her to act like Morticia

She was in a gifted child program

She would’ve listened to Lady Gaga and lost her mind

She knits sweaters for John

She always packs a pillow for when Jade passes out

She has albinism and is arab. She’s also black and Hispanic but she doesn’t really relate heavily to it.

She’s no sabo and Dave makes fun of her for it

Dave:

He used to watch Teenage Mutant ninja turtles all the time as a kid

He grew up around a lot of Hispanic/Latino kids so he was really in touch with his Hispanic side

He talks so fucking fast you can barley understand him, and it’s even worse in Spanish

He was homeschooled until middle school (horrible decision)

He would always sticks up for other people at his school that were getting made fun of cause they reminded him of John (plus he was kinda bullied for having albinism but he’ll never admit it)

Bro would only talk to him in Spanish and couldn’t read English so Dave was a translator really young, hence why he knows so many big words and all that

He has ADHD so bad

He makes fun of Dirk for being allergic to avacados

Jade:

She always has an extra pair of glasses cause she breaks them so much

She draws furry art and is surprisingly good at it

She used to read yaoi when she was younger and when Dave came out she asked if he was a Uke or Seme

She frequently asks Rose to write her ABO centric fanfiction

She’s Polynesian and Brazilian and she’s really in touch with it

She is a polygot like her g-pa

She patches her clothes up all the time because she has so many holes in them from miscellaneous activities

Her and Dave played all the Sonic games and discuss shipping dynamics

Jane:

She stans John Constantine

She makes all her friends play Clue with her and do escape rooms

She gets Jake to sample her new recipes because he has a sweet tooth

Jane and Dirk do TV show analysis’s on everything they watch they can’t help it it’s just fun

She got them into pretty little liars and Glee

She listens to musicals so hard shut up

She’s black and Korean y’all know that right?

Roxy:

She loves Zatanna and cosplays her all the time, she tries to get Jane to join her as Constantine

She watched supernatural and lost her mind when diestiel was canon

She has those cat ear gamer headphones and streams constantly

She has albinism

She is Mexican and can’t understand Dave’s Spanish cause it’s so fast godbless

She would listen to Doja Cat

She always has her LED lights on and set to pink

She had a huge Harry Potter phase, Jake had all the movies so they’d all watch it while Jane and Dirk would say how it differs from the books

She can’t keep a plant alive to save her life

Jake:

He’s a polygot, dude knows like 80 languages

He knows how to play bass but is shy about it because Jade is better

He has an Australian accent and no one knows where it came from

He does Muay Thai and is actually pretty accomplished, he is teaching Dirk

Dirk beats his ass frequently in boxing and he gets angry about it

He sleeps naked and everyone finds this out the hard way

Dude has so much body hair good lord

He understands Dave when he speaks Spanish and by proxy Dirk

He cosplays with Dirk and Roxy

He has so many plants cause they remind him of his grandma but he forgets to water them frequently

He loves Janes pumpkin pie so much

Dirk:

He is Columbian and is the only one other than Jake to understand Dave’s Spanish

When Dave first met Dirk and he understood him he high key wanted to cry

Dirk is obsessed with Batman so bad and got all of his friends into DC comics

He makes Jake cosplay nightwing for “obvious” reasons

He and Jane have frequent gossip sessions over tea and baked goods

He has every My little pony figure you can think of

He gets really clingy in his sleep

When he first slept with Jake he held into him like a koala and wouldn’t let go until Jake woke him up

He gets his ass handed to him when he practices Muay Thai with Jake, but gets payback with boxing

Him and Roxy frequently troll on toontown and used to scam in animal jam

He watched American psycho and had a phase that he still gets bullied for by his friends

He waxes EVERYWHERE except his armpits and legs

He listens to Marina and the diamonds

He had a hardcore scenephase that he still isn’t completely out of

#homestuck #dirk strider #dave strider #alpha kids #jake english #roxy lalonde #dirkjake #jane crocker #rose lalonde #jade harley #john egbert #homestuck headcanons #beta kids

[fanficfanattic]

Got tagged by several lovely people because no one knew I’d already been tagged. Because it took me several hours to copy/paste WIP titles/first sentences into a document lolol. Super happy to finally make it happen though @orbitalpirate @kvetchinglyneurotic and @jamietarttdodododododo !

Game: put the titles of your WIPs, reguardless of how vague or uninformative they are and let people send asks about them. Tag some people, maybe the amount of WIPs you have.

A) I’m big in Ted Lasso so I’m only posting the 120 for this fandom. If someone wants the list of 50 for Dirk Gently or 2 dozen for My Hero Academia; just holler at me!

Battler

Choir Jamie

Jamie v Nate

Back’s Against the Wall, Takes the Hit For Us All

Block His Number

Sam's Dad Take 1

You've Become a Good Person

Jamie Forgives Nate

Season 2 era Dani/Jamie

"Higgins ""well I think if you care about"

Playlist Fic

Keeley Got Pregnant Season 1

A/B/O: All Roy's Headbutts Damage His Scent

James Tart Sr Plants Drugs

Jamie to Ted But Kind of Everyone.

Memories

Dad Like a Hornet

Season One or Two

Henry Calls Ted So He Can Talk to Jamie

Bus Ride Nightmare

Soulmate AU

Beard

Jamie's Coming Out Movies Playlists

Decided on LCA Because Healing Broken Ribs

Jamie's Aunties

One of the Georgie Brings a Video A..

DANI sharing his father

Patty Comes to Dressing Room to D..

RoyxJamie wedding fic

JamieDaniSam

Roy Saying Jamie Threw Away His Career

Roy Realizes Jamie is Scared at the Gala

Roy Kent's Pet

Jamie Nightmare on Bus Season 1 A..

Trust

Why He Had to Push Roy's Buttons

Why He Has to Be Great

Tom O'Brien/Paul Reynolds

James Tart Hurts Jamie Before His First Game Back

Pussy

Will Sees Jamie Injured & Hears Convo With Dad

Jamie's Trent Impression

You don't know anything about me!

Simon Shows Up to Take Jamie to A&E

Georgie The Harpoonist

Jamie's Make-a-Wish kids

"Georgie ""I taught him to fight but not how to stop"""

Poet Jamie

Jamie being overwhelmed with pleasure

Amy from LCA comes to visit s2 Jamie

Dani starts dating Jamie S1

Jamie's First Day Back Had a Responsible Meeting with Team

Jamie's Mom RE His Dad

Car Park Kid Video

Mystical Team Building

Jamie Comforts Phoebe Gets Hit By Roy

Ransom Fic

Georgie's Video Memories

Jamie & Jan

Jamie flirts with Paddy on the Pitch

Show Up: Convo with Phoebe

Nonsexual A/B/O: Sam is Jamie's Alpha

Ted Lasso and Dirk Gentle crossover

Lads Watch Porn

James & Bug Attack Jamie

Collar?

Every Text is A Crime

Roy Asks Keeley for Jamie Advice and Doesn't Ignore It

Georgie Gave Jamie to James to Protect Herself

Roy Sees Jamie’s Ass in a Mirror and Goes Gay

Family Day Positive Georgie

Season 1 Jamie has friends visit

Zava Multi-Chapter

Jamie Thinks Ted sent him back b/c injury

Led Tasso

Princesses and Dragon

Social Worker Jamie

Coach Crash: Pinned

S1 Jamie, Simon Dies

Time Loop

1.10: Will tries to stop James Tartt Sr

S2 Jamie kidnapped for fighting ring

Ted Laskmaster

Roy's Extra Special Football Baby

Gordon Ramsay Reminds Jamie of Someone

Paddy Insta Live

Touch Issues

Georgie Turns James In Season 2

James Fakes His Own Death

Someone Talks to Roy About How He Treats Jamie

Sam Learns to Top Season 1 Team

Yeah? Me old man thinks you and he are just alike

Teaching Phoebe Art Fic

Early Season 2, Team Tricks Jamie

Ted DOES Go in the Treatment Room

Isolation

S3 Declan/Jamie

1.06 Jamie Collapses on Pitch During Cone Duty

"""Roy Won't Hurt Me"""

Jamie's Issue with Dead People

Family Curse

Sold After LCA

Investigative Journalist

Group Home

Belted

James Visits S1 Richmond

Dani Checks Treatment Rooms after games

"""I like history, it’s already happened so it’s easier to understand"""

The Stands

Keeley Teaches Roy How to Teach Jamie

Trick Plays

Pacifier fic

Fresh Back S2 Jamie Helps Ted with Panic Attack

S2 Jamie Saves Girl From Getting Drugged

1.06 Jamie Panic Attack

James Beats Jamie for Getting Benched

You Told Me You Saw It

S2 Roy Breaks Tartt Silence but to Yell at Ted

Mind Games

S1 Jamie Ices Out Colin and Isaac

#jamie tartt #keeley jones #roy kent #ted lasso #sam obisanya #dani rojas #isaac mcadoo #colin hughes #paul reynolds #tom o'brien #zava ted lasso #arlo dixon #richard montlaur #kukoč #jan maas #robbie roberts #jeff goodman #declan cockburn #moe bumbercatch #anders rosenfeldt #thierry zoreaux #royjamie #roykeeleyjamie #sam x jamie x dani #danijamie #janjamie #d/s dynamic #rape and rape recovery #childhood abuse #domestic abuse

[ihaventcomeupwthanameforaheroyet]

Aesthetic Tag Game:

Tagged by @littleshopofflorrors (thank you! that was fun!)

Put a color (grey), an animal (domestic rat), a place (Dresden - IDK why I immediately liked this city), food (red pesto cheese), a character (Dirk t'Larien from George Martin's Dying of the Light - this is a fragment of my fauvorite book cover, and this is absolutely me), a gemstone (cinnabar), a season (autumn), a hobby (everyone here knows my hobby OK?), and a plant (thistle) that represent you

It took a while because I know only one character who really represents me, he is a book character and there's not much art based on this book. Also I remembered there was that one perfect book cover which shows him upside down, but it took time to find it.

I think I've lost track who did this already and who didn't, so if you'd like to participate, please consider yourself tagged!

#tag game! #thanks for the tag!

[esteemedproblem]

Eridan & Roxy

[Plain text: Eridan & Roxy]

This is a friend of our favorite ship, which we haven't thought about till now, but like I get it. Roxy is what Eridan wishes he could be, and Roxy has enough energy to fuel both of them into wizard nerd loving heaven.

Eridan and Roxy are so close to being the same one. they just got a shitty seahorse dad and a lot of expectations, and the other got isolation and alcoholism.

Eridan, a kid who used to just be a huge nerd liking wizards who had to go out and hunt people's parents and random lusus. Has a moirail who is just straight up using him Feferi had no intention of ever actually being his moirail just wanted him to do as she wanted when I'm sure there were other violets to do the job. Or ya know she could have done it herself. Was he an asshole yea but also like the rest of them he was a thirteen year old with a lot of responsibility and expectations to live up to. If he actually wanted to do half the shit he threatened, he wouldn't ask Equius to make a million different world ending machines he could have just waited an extra ten minutes at feeding glubglub. None of his friends had to deal with his bullshit but he really needed someone, and Karkat got to him far too late to change anything.

Then we have Roxy over here surrounded by people that she can't understand and avoid her. Half her friends think she's insane because they refuse to believe the truth she is living. The last friend that believes her because he is in the same hell is a mile away from his own emotions, and half the time, she gets left with Hal who is sweet but just a reminder that Dirk would rather work than respond to his friends including her. Again, it becomes an alcoholic at sixteen if not earlier because what else is she supposed to do while she waits for the world to end. Plus having to hope the drones don't come and wipe her out before then.

Neither of these kids have the friendships they need. Then let's present them with each other. Both love wizards, Roxy is a tech genius which will help with Eridan's Magic vs Science guess what? You can have both! They are gender. There is this one art piece where they are both wearing girl boy wizard shirts, and Roxy has wizard checked, and Eridan has all three checked, and they're correct. Roxy would show him what it's like to be yourself freely, and Eridan's clingy ass would make sure Roxy never felt alone again. I'm leaning more towards moirails for them, but Pale/Flushed is also very good. Let them be besties with the most kick ass fashion sense and most confusing genders. Hell, even a human qpr where they get married for the tax benefits and own ten cats together sounds like perfection. They deserve to be happy ♡

#eriroxy #roxy lalonde #eridan ampora #eridan x roxy #roxy x eridan #jests hs ship hell #a ship that sounds strange at first but makes so much sense

[ottiliere]

Ok so, 2 things

1. Oh? System Dirks are coming in here to show their appreciation? Because ours also DEVOURS this AU. It is genuinely so relatable and cathartic. When people don't think sharing vent art is good, I point at this AU and how it shows the ugly side of recovery so perfectly.

2. I was idly scrolling through the JTHM tag as I do frequently and got such intense whiplash seeing your recent post about asks in it. Like. Complete opposite side of our dash radar. What is this I hear about a JTHM ask?? I am fascinated already I font care if it's related to Dirk or not I just genuinely would love to hear your thoughts on it.

1) pulling all the dirks who follow me in for a hug through the walls of my plastic isolation bubble. it really makes me so happy to hear this. I can't give an extended answer to this point because I spent so much time talking about the next one but I hope you feel the mind waves of love I am bombarding you with.

2) The ask I got was in fact about Dirk, but as I'm drafting it it is...drifting...very much...into being about JTHM. "hear my thoughts on it" … this would be nothing shorter than a dissertation. I think about JTHM very often. I don't think it's possible for me to be concise about this in any sense of the word.

JTHM, to me, is one of the formative experiences that made me who I am. It is one of my favorite pieces of fiction ever made, that I have ever engaged with, and I know for a fact I will struggle to find something that is told in such a captivating way from an author with such an open soul. I discovered fanart of it by chance on DeviantArt, and, being naturally drawn towards edgier themes, searched everywhere on the internet until I found it uploaded onto some woman's livejournal account. I was obsessed with JTHM for a very, very long time. I reread it periodically, once or twice a year, and I have been doing this since I was 12. It has heavily influecned the way I go about making art and telling stories and engaging with everything I watch or read or what have you.

Everything about this comic blew my mind as a child, artistically absolutely, thematically especially. The narrative style that is glib with occasional moments of morose clarity that never lasts too long... we will never see anything like the suicide scene in anything else ever written again, of that I'm sure. It is unique in its existence. once you read that it unlocks something in your brain and you just can't go back. Multiplied by a million if you read it at a formative age you weren't really supposed to be reading it. Like homestuck.

Nny... he is the base of the character trope I always return to in fiction, usually unconsciously. I didn't realize that what I was doing to dirk mirrored nny until some friends pointed it out... it is a fascinating phenomenon. He is the first of his kind I have ever encountered in anything, ever. Blatantly unwell, the focus of a story that isn't necessarily slotting him into an antagonistic role. Like, he's the protagonist who I guess is also the antagonist but he's also a human. He's this guy with severe mental illness who is lead around like a puppet on strings first by the society that torments him for existing and then by the creature living in his walls that steals his memory and cognitive ability and manipulates him into doing his bidding. I had never seen that before? Usually I am not one for "made mentally ill by inorganic sources" trope, but the fact that it's stated in the comic that he was already seriously unwell before he became a flusher... it's just sad. He is not a good person, but his life is inherently tragic and the outcome of a society that does not care for him, or people like him, at all. forgive me for the comparison, but he is like the joker 2019. I mean this in a way that I love joker 2019. if you didn't like joker, well. sorry. but it's true.

This ties in, obviously, with the way that Jhonen goes about fiction: he does whatever he wants, to an extent. I have recently very closely befriended some individuals and while pondering how we were meshing so well on the creative side of htings, it eventually came to light that the singlemost defining moment in our lives was how we all read JTHM at a very young age. And it is insane, stepping back and looking at all of our narrative and art styles and seeing that the similarities we've all evolved independently stemmed from JTHM, in addition to our view of what it's like to be an artist. we are but jhonen's warriors in a world that is currently characterized by a very homogenized mixture of “art”. I mean, just look at the current box office trend. look at the “genre” that is marvel movies. not that I don’t enjoy marvel movies, I DO like them, my loki phase was strong and hard, but objectively... these things are what they are: mass-produced consumables. there is a reason people got excited when it was announced that Cronenberg was making a new film (which was awesome btw); art is dying. milquetoast narratives, stories afraid to push boundaries and be "weird", authors not trusting the audience to pick up on their intended message so instead of leaving it just a little ambiguous, they must instead spoonfeed it to every reader... There is some equation of what it means to make art and how it equates with your moral standing; my stance has always aligned with dear Jhonen's.

in a way my view of the world is the direct inverse of nny's; I truly believe in the best of people, I love humanity, I love the world and I am fundamentally incapable of being outwardly cruel towards others. my natural setting is to logically empathize, to put myself in the shoes of other people and look at their life the way they're living it. there is nothing more important to me than showing unconditional positive regard towards others. I have not always been this way. I used to foster great amounts of animosity in my heart for the things that have been done to me. I used to be an abjectly miserable person, I used to be violently suicidal every day for years and years and years etc. now though... I don't know how to describe it. something alights upon you after vast quantities of self-reflection, detached from the scrying eyes of swathes of people, of strangers, fandom most relevantly but I do also mean society as a whole. at this point in my life there is nothing more important to me than being a nice person, and helping others in what ways I can. if that's through posting raw depictions of mental illness, I will happily do so. I didn't realize that people didn't KNOW they can do this, and it is heartwarming that I can touch people in such a way even parasocially. I have worked on myself, I love people and I love when people are weird and their true creative selves because that is what the world needs in this day and age. art is dying. If you let bitterness into your heart it will consume you. it will cloud your judgment and prevent you from making a true connection to the medium, it will block you from making what you REALLY want to make. It will poison how you interact with other humans on a fundamental level, if you are constantly walking into interactions suspecting the worst intentions.

it almost seems like critical thinking is a dying skill...or, at least, it is when it comes to interacting with art and not relying on other people to tell you what to think. but even still I still do not hold ire towards those who seek me harm for what I make. I do not answer many of the asks I get on purpose, the death threats, etc... because these people are hurting in a multitude of ways, and they have not yet learned how to cope with their own pain. You could call being an optimist a character flaw, maybe it is. I don't know. That is, for better or worse, the epitome of what I am: an unrelenting pollyanna who believes in the best of people and the potential they have to heal. The one anon hate I got about the AU months ago that I actually deigned with an answer; they eventually came off anon and admitted they were just frustrated they didn't know how to properly use tumblr's UI to filter me off their dashboard and displaced their emotions onto me. They apologized. Such is life. We are all humans inhabiting this great big earth and I love to love people. contrary to what I depict in my art, I am a very happy person. I love my friends and I'm currently in a very good life situation with occasional downfalls and eventual upturns. Jhonen, I know, as stated in the second interview image, was often like this as well. nny was a speakerphone for little observations about life and pessimism; he was a character, a means to tell a story.

so ya I guess those are some of my thoughts about JTHM. not all of them though. here’s some nny

#ask #lucy art #these asks really got me plugged into nny again... expect art soon probably #like besides whats here these are PRACTISE #the power of anonymous users on tumblr #jthm

[spacedhead]

homestuck reread #18: the prologue (briefly) and meat p1

----brief context----

i sorta fell out of homestuck a little after i finished it and its november now but in light of james roach reviving homestuck beyond canon i figured i might as well get the ball rolling on this. i originally started this post in september but i couldnt find it in myself to continue reading due to not liking where the story was going and also finding myself having a new hyperfixation

----end of context----

september 7th:

okay im gonna make a rule that this shit show thats about to happen is NOT CANON to me and in my head they won and then they created earth c and they all lived happily without any of this inane bullshit thats coming up.

ok to start off look at these fucking tags dude oh my god this is gonna be so BAD man what the FUCK did they do to these characters

theres no art which actually sucks! but with these tags maybe its good they didnt show this in images. instead they just describe it in excruciating detail. anyway, here's the first character interaction in here.... they both feel different. even in this brief exchange, something feels... off. maybe its just cause theyre older but they feel distinctly more... angsty? maybe they just seem sad. i dunno. homestuck has its sad moments but for the most part the characters arent like. sad people

/rolls eyes yeah i like the reference but not in this context...

ok so rose just explained what john has to do which is go back into canon and defeat lord english but.... this is really fucked up man . she knows

meat or candy.... fuck which one should i read first.... do i wanna be sad sooner or sad later ... MAN the epilogues SUCK!!!!! FUCK

um okay this is really gross. what is the point of this?? like EW john what the fuck

ok this is fine i guess i mean i like davekat

i guess i also like how he still has this weird obsession with obama

november 10th:

im back . but i think updates to this series will be slower. i need to ease myself back into it yknow? also. if i hadnt made it clear. i DO NOT LIKE the epilogues. especially because homestuck proper is my FAVORITE MEDIA OF ALL TIME. seeing the characters i love ruined like this in what is the most official capacity it could be in is.... just. sad to me. anyway. dave predicts the future about obama . cool.

yeah i do too man. cant have shit around here

yeah like. what even is this plot. jane has become this evil xenophobic cartoon ass villain. and everyones just like. damn thats crazy that shes just like that now. i also dont even understand WHY she wants to be president of earth c. like literally everyone else is just chilling. god whatever

brother he is not coming back

also, this has nothing to do with the epilogues per se. but at the time of writing this tomorrow will be 11/11. i am a little bit expecting a homestuck beyond canon updateeee hehehe . also burning down the house which is a really really good homestuck fan comic is supposed to update too. so awesome. hopefully both of those things happen. or even like. just one. anyway back to this slop

casual dave xenophobia classic dave you know how it is he would definitely be like this for real i believe this

man this would be so cool if it was like. drawn. i wish i could see it instead of having to envision it in my minds eye. not that i dont appreciate my minds eye for what she has to offer me but. imagine this what this panel would look like

noooooo FUCK

stares at you furiously judgementally

okay both of them most likely dont know shit about shit and neither do i but dave at least grew up in a time where there were people around and things happening and dirk thinks he knows everything but he actually doesnt know anything so i wouldnt trust him on fiscal policy

fym nuh uh

average teen roxy adult john interaction

literally down ontologically at this point

blah blah blah ultimate self blah blah evil arc WHO CARES. im bored. can i say that. i seriously D. GAF about dirk rn. monkey d. gaf

bro i fucking HATE JANE. LIKE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW

i dont have much to say about this i just thought it was worth putting here

nah. cause what the hell are you talking about girl. hello. why is she so horny. ong bro u gotta relax

okay well. this is pretty funny . hes dave and im karkat and we are the denial brothers

youre so intolerable is crazy. like hes trying to help you because you are bleeding tf out girl

wow. jane jake kiss. this rules. SAID NO ONE EVER. jake is asexual. jane is a nazi. and I. AM TIRED. OF THIS!!!!!!! I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING .

wait fuck

marvel ass dialogue

NOOOO WHAT THE FUCK

okay this is the end of the first epilogues post. initial thoughts i dont like it why did i do this i dont wanna do it. but you know what they say in order to ascend first you must descend. little homestuck reference for you all. um idk when the next post will be im sorta busier than i used to be. and also? this sucks i dont like reading it

#joff hs reread #god damn you #they ruined my children #man i shoulda stayed watching one piece #its 1 am i have work tomorrow yet here i am #okay its 1 am again and AGAIN i have work tomorrow #am i being too negative

[goingnearlyinsane]

alright, I’ll bite

What about color theory in homestuck?

*rubs hands together evilly* this fits in with a religion thing, I'll talk about that later. It's fairly obvious looking at the colors surface level what's what. Time is red, space is green (may originally be assumed to be black). There's also life (green) and blood (red) which show more of where this is headed. This is where I'm focused right now. The first time and space players we're introduced to are Dave and Jade. They do show part of this. Actually, I might just give you a list of char/color associations for this specifically.

green: red:

Jade Dave

Kanaya aradia

Porrim Damara

calliope Caliborn

The dolorosa The sufferer

Jake Kankri/karkat

something they all have in common, by color, is and association with life/creation for green and death/destruction for red. Jade is a gardener, calliope loves writing and art, the Maryams (kanaya, porrim, and the dolorosa) have ties to gardening and motherhood. Dave likes fossils and preserved lizards, aradia likes bones while also being dead herself, karkat has links to the grim reaper through his sickles, and Caliborn is... Caliborn.

Going through you may notice something else many of the have in common: Bible symbolism. The sufferer is literally known as troll Jesus. And because I like putting things in charts, I'll do that for the troll characters.

kanaya: her entire family line is based off the Virgin Mary (see: dolorosa). the mothergrub, her lusus, is also a "mother of all trolls" same as one might say eve was the mother of all of mankind.

Aradia: *cracks knuckles* this is a fun one. First off her names. Aradia is the name of a pagan goddess (not biblical, but fun to know) and megiddo, on which her name is based, is the basis for the name Armageddon (Tran: Hill of megiddo). That's also part of her boyfriends trollian name (twinArmageddons). Apocalypse (of apocalypseArisen) means revelation, like the book of revelation. Not to mention she quite literally brings about the end of the world. The 'arisen' part probably is talking about the other sign of the end, everyone rising from the dead for judgement day.

Calliope/Caliborn: yet another fun one! First off, seraphim are the harbingers of doom in the book of revelation. On a slightly unrelated note, they are most likely meant to be a syzygy, two (one masculine, one feminine) opposite forces, working together. Caliborn is part of Lord English. And the snake symbolism, snakes are both symbols of life and fertility, and of destruction, and there's the green apple/red apple thing, plus the association of snakes and trees (again with the growth/decay motif)

Jake: the association with skulls. The PC name. The vibe. It's low-key kinda obvious, he's meant to refer to where Jesus died. Mount Golgatha, referenced in his PC name, golgathasTerror, was where Jesus was crucified. It was also commonly referenced as a skull-shaped hill. Now, his boyfriend dirk is a very obvious gnostic reference. His denizen is literally the demiurge. I'm assuming the two of them and their friends are supposed to be a trinity sort of thing. Jane is Sophia (wisdom), Roxy is hylekoi (material), dirk is psychekoi (psychological) and Jake is pneumatikoi (spiritual). Jake is also part of Lord English, so.

The dolorosa/the sufferer: as I said before, the dolorosa is based on the Virgin Mary. Her name is a reference to 'sedet mater dolorosa' (rough Tran: the mother sits weeping/in pain), a title of the Virgin mary. She found the sufferer as a grub (baby) and adopted him, which was the first time something like that had ever happened. The sufferer grew up to lead a revolt, and became, as said before, essentially troll Jesus.

alright, I'm tired. I'll upd8 it if I think of anything else.

Upd8 1: I FORGOT THE SPATIAL-TEMPORAL THING. so essentially there are two axes. Spatial, which is heaven, hell, earth, and God. So basically all the creative aspects. Then there's Temporal, which is time in general, but more specifically the End Times. This also fits in with aradia as she, the maid of time, helps (maid) to usher in the End (time).

#homestuck #shitpost #color theory #homestuck shitpost #Religion tw #christianity #long post #“slaying with my autistic rizz” #(posting something longer than a literal actual school essay about color theory and Bible references in homestuck) #I love Christian eschatology

[swagship-sideblog]

Pinned! Read for info!!

pro-fiction pro-whatever lolicon cartoon fan. dont like - dont look

[art tag]

The main things I enjoy at the moment are: Ed Edd & Eddy, Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends, Ojamajo Doremi, Mob Psycho 100, Homestuck, and whatever other shit i'm into at the moment

Read more below to see my fav ships & characters!

Current Waifus:

Senoo Aiko - my baby, my one and only, I love her so much........... I relate to her on so many levels and just love her alot... I actually have 2 different narratives in my head for this one, one where my self insert is a cute lil catboy who gets sent to her universe, and one where she magically shows up in mine. I could talk about her for hours but all you need to know is that she's my sweetheart of the whole world and I love her <333

Double Dee - i would do. so many things. i shant say...

Ships I like:

Anything ed edd & eddy - any combination of the characters works for me. I love all of them so much

MobRei - been a fan of this one for years, always been there for me and I quite enjoy it [ageswap AU is my fav <33]. Many of the fics I read of them are very cathartic to me, so these 2 hold a special place in my heart

RitMob - also love this one, it's very very cute, was there for me when I was stuck hanging out with antis but my love for mob could never be fully repressed <3

Rickorty - this one's so fucked up but my brain loves it lmao... the first time I read a fic of them I got suuuuper guilty about it the next day, but unfortunately I find guilt pretty hot so this one latched onto my brain like a virus, huge fan

Stridercest - pretty much all forms of it are right up my alley. Don't post about it as much currently but it's an absolute longtime CLASSIC and I love it. Most recently was on an alpha stridercest kick because I love dom shotas and watching Dave fight for his life

Kris x Spamton - I absolutely love the themes being developed in deltarune so far, and I feel like these 2 characters and their interactions explore the themes relating to control and freedom very beautifully... both Kris and Spamton are characters whose struggles I can relate to easily/empathize with, so some of the fics I read of them can be very cathartic and comforting... alot of complex emotions arise from this ship, and I really love it. its also really hot lol.

SaiGenos - oh man.... cyborgs...... I read a fic where some of Genos' wires get fucked up and he needs Saitama to plug them back in cuz hes basically immobile until they get fixed... and OUGH it's really hot..... I read alot more im addition to this, but this one was REALLY good

Scratch x Molly: I enjoy a veeery specific wholesome flavor of this ship, but not many people draw it the way I like (last I checked), so any fellow shippers feel free to say hi lol

Style (south park) - this one is an ABSOLUTE classic, a childhood favorite of mine, and im glad to say it lives on in my heart after all these years <3

Kyman (just a little) - I can have a little kyman... as a treat :3

And many others......

Other Waifus (for historical purposes):

Bloo: jeeeze louise he's so cute. He's such a little brat I just wanna pick him up and shake him around <3 bloo crying 10 minute compilation on loop

Dirk Strider - had a big phase of liking him lol. He's really cute <3

Eddy - I need to put him in a dress and make him cry tears of pleasure

Eric Cartman - I have a thing for little chubby boys in drag btw

Brobot - yes, the battle robot dirk made in his image. It's hot. I like to imagine giving it a personality <33

Mob - unfortunately I was hanging out with antis during my original Mob Psycho phase, so I didn't really accept my love for him & he didn't register in my brain like that... but I still had dreams of cuddling with him and fantasized of being able to meet him and comfort him (and got really high an pretended to cuddle with him using my cat lol), so I believe he still counts

Reigen. - I had a pretty substantial reigen obsession during my first mp100 phase, I have a 125 image porn collection of him from back them lmfao. He's pretty alright

Hal 9000 (2001 a Space Odyssey) - I fucking love hal

Karkat Vantas - excuse my french but I need his transboy tentacle cock in my mouth he is very cute

Mituna Captor - Mituna.......... yippee!!!

Dave Strider - he's every transmascs favorite character of course I like him... tried writing a self insert kissing practice gone wrong fanfic but I couldn't get his dialogue right so I gave up lol

Charles Calvin (Henry Stickmin) - now I know this one's pretty out of place compared to the rest but uh... yeah he was probably my BIGGEST obsession with a fictional character... like it was detrimental at some points lol. But man I really wanted to fuck this stick figure X] I actually created a Google drive folder with about 230 pictures of Henry stickmin porn, even including a document with all the sources I could find lol. If you recognize me from this information, no you don't

Genos (OPM) - god I was reeeeaaally into him when I was watching one punch man and I LOVED him. I still love him just focused on other characters atm <3

And probably some others

Other fav characters

Hunter (TOH) - bro he's just like me fr fr... quite love him and want to see him happy

Scratch (tgamm) - DUDE he's so silly funny, so goofy silly..... these so underrated and ppl need to appreciate him more >:3

Kyle (SP) - mannnn Kyle is pretty cute, some of these south park characters are nearing the waifu tier, it's going to be very silly goofy

Kenny (SP) - dude kenny is one of my classic childhood crushes, shoutout kenny lol

Spongebob (Squarepants) - another one of my childhood crushes, youll see me occasionally post about him too lol.

+ plenty others lol

#proship please interact #profic

[davekat-sucks]

I got quite a bit of responses about the post where i made a joke about the striders wanting to fuck Rose blah blah davepeta x Jasperose blah blah "incest" joke. I have mentioned my confusion before about the ectobiology, if we're counting slime touching eachother then ALL of the beta kids are related if not the only people i can consider to be related to them are their guardians respectfully. But thats my headcanon and i honestly dont know. Anyway someone had mentioned Dirk commenting about Janes body, honestly i like to think he may have had a small crush on her with him drawing art of grabbing her tit then having a small argument with caliborn about how he wanted to keep his hand there. Then there's how his gift giving was more genuine and deeper. Idk it seems like he thirsts for her. One time i saw this small fanfiction where Jane an Dirk were in an argument and Dirk had stated he only dated Jake to make her jealous because he felt like he couldn't get her because of her crush on Jake, then she slapped him across the face. I thought this was hilarious and kinda in character considering Dirks manipulative tendencies and Janes anger issues.

I can see a teen drama like that happening between Jane and Dirk, yeah. When making parallels to the Beta Kids, Dirk and Jane would be the Dave and John for the Alpha Kids. So it would make sense that not only does Dirk have respect for Jane, but would also have some feelings towards her. Like Dave, how he shows it is difficult for him and tries to be the cool guy in the group. He may not have said The Batterwitch/Condesce causing him trouble like Roxy was, because he knows Jane would be skeptic without seeing it firsthand and maybe worry that this situation will make him be seen as weak and having to put up a front for so long just to lose it, it would be bad that someone this close to him would see his vulnerability.

With the ectobiology thing, I still think both Alpha Kids and Beta Kids, are technically related to one another. They are all made from the ghost imprints of the original guardians. Sure the DNA goo were separate in tubes. But the rest when it comes to creating them, means some of their biological coding must have crossed paths with one another in some way or form that we are not able to see or control. So pairs like DirkJake are still considered incest in a way. And that's trying not to think that John would be the father towards his friends.

#Homestuck #Homestuck fandom #Dirk Strider #Jane Crocker #ectobiology

[nyomkitten]

small gushing over The Sandman #1-16

alternating between The Sandman’s comics and audiobooks to get me through the workday. (yes, finally got around to them, please clap.) i am not sure whether the chills are entirely due to the sleep-deprived, overcaffeinated body, or whether some of the writing/art is also to blame (affectionate).

to take a completely random example, which is not at all the one i'm currently fascinated by. "Lost Hearts", comic issue #16/audiobook Act I Episode 16. (spoilers forthcoming.)

it is Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane which is also somehow the Garden of Eden. also, you look me and the eye and tell me this isn't Death and the Maiden. o shit. it's Dream temporarily taking his sister's place in the execution of his function. o shiiiiit.

[ID: two panels from Sandman 16: "Lost Hearts". The first shows Death, arms outstretched, apologising to Rose Walker for having to kill her. in the second, he takes her in his arms. Written by Neil Gaiman, drawn by Mike Dringenberg and Malcolm Jones III.]

[ID: a photo of Elna Borch's sculpture, Death and the Maiden. Photograph by Daderot in the public domain.]

also i am obsessed with the characterisation of Dream. i am very new to the comic medium in general, but from my limited framework he is such a unique lead. (i don't even know whether to call him a hero or an antihero.) he functions by his own rules (cough cough Aslan), which (as they're defined) do not overlap with any familiar framework of morality; indeed, his domain is itself amoral. yet the story's moral arc relies on him. it almost makes me wonder at the Justice League cameo appearances in #5 "Passengers", because the thinness of the quintessential superhero character is caricatured very well in #12 "Playing House" (episode 13 in the Act I audiobook).

i just.

of course, Death is such a comforting character (i love #8 "The Sound of Her Wings" so much for its vibes), andbutalso Dream is such a rich concept to anthropomorphizedly personify. i love Gaiman for (a lot of the things he's written, including) doing this. just,, the concept of dreams—nebulous, unpredictable, quite scary—inherently rule-abiding and honourable and loving of humanity in ways humanity cannot really understand most of the time. also, i am reluctant to examine how much of my liking for Dream is because he's voiced by James McAvoy who is doing an excellent job. (however, when abolition of RP and encouragement of natural accents pls.)

PS. i adore the genderfuckery in the stories. i'm sure you've seen that post that Gaiman reblogged. it is so there in the source material lol. (aside from women written as three-dimensional characters,) Justin Vivian Bond as Desire is the BEST decision ever.

i'm only just starting #17, so i'm sure there will be Certain Bits (like #15 “Collectors”; holy fuck what was that), but i trust Gaiman enough to proceed in good faith.

i am so excited for the rest of the series and then eventually getting on to the Netflix adaptation. WHEN WILL I GET SHELF SPACE AND MONEY FOR ALL THE COMICS. and a final note on the multiplicity of formats: when the audiobook came out, there were a lot of people appreciating how the audiobook made the story accessible in the way that the comics weren’t; and i am not sure if i have a neurodivergent brain or i’m just a hyperactive idiot, but this is definitely the case for me. i appreciate Dirk Maggs’ adaptation so much and the love Gaiman brings to everything he touches.

(PPS. yesterday i read Fahrenheit 451. Please make me write about that, too.)

#neil gaiman #dirk maggs #the sandman #mike dringenberg #malcom jones III #nk:txt #nk:reviews #nk

[sunkern-plus]

gonna post this on my main blog instead of my homestuck side blog (though I'm gonna reblog it there) but here are the homestuck characters poison from street fighter and final fight would get along with and hate if she were the beta kids, beta trolls, alpha kids, and alpha trolls age (as well as if she were in the comic).

beta kids:

-poison gets along with all the beta kids equally. she loves doing music with dave and wants to introduce them to industrial rap (she probably has a super obscure music taste. in my heart.) she writes wizard fanfic with rose but she doesn't like the rationalist fanfiction rose does (I didn't forget rose wrote ratfic in canon) because she doesnt understand why people have to be rational when her SUPERIOR genre, emofic, should be more popular instead. emofic btw is where characters act completely irrational and always make the most irrational choice for Drama Purposes. because poison likes drama. she loves june/john the best and connects most with her and wants to make movies in june's backyard starring her, june, and her adoptive family hugo, abigail, and roxy. she also loves making furry art with jade and loves to make weirder and weirder fursonas to the point it becomes postfurry, which jade kinda freaks out over because "poison I dont think toasters have breasts, wear clothes, and have dog ears and a full head of scene hair! it's scientifically impossible!" and then poison's like "it's POSTfurry, jade, you wouldn't get how my toastersona is inherently awesome." overall 13-16 year old poison is besties with the beta kids and would be besties forever with them.

alpha trolls:

-poison loves every troll except for three: equius (for obvious reasons relevant to her character), gamzee (post murdertroll arc), and eridan (for obvious reasons relevant to her character). she hates vriska up until she can show poison that she can redeem herself. her troll Besties are tavros (he reminds her of hugo), nepeta (who WOULDNT want to be besties with nepeta), aradia (I just see similarities with pre ghost aradia and poison), kanaya (same as aradia), terezi (again, I see similarities between her and terezi as well), feferi (she's a fun fat fish girl), and karkat and sollux are Kind Of Okay I Guess. overall she likes most of the trolls except equius, gamzee, and eridan and only likes vriska if she promises to change (because vriska is like juri and that's how I feel she'd feel about juri han in canon and not like in aeolus edge where juri has more gremlin adhd juri characterization than her actual personality in canon).

alpha kids:

-okay so i've only heard stuff about this part because I've never gotten to part 6. But imo: I think poison would get along with all of them. Yes, even dirk. Especially Dirk, because he's like Cody travers and she likes Cody travers in an exasperated mom way.

beta trolls:

-again, I've only read analysis and theory posts about these guys but I think her besties would be latula, damara, mituna, and porrim. As soon as kankri starts talking about misandry she'd clock him in the face and refuse to stop punching him until someone has to haul her off of him. She hates Cronus and is tempted to fight him on sight every time she sees him. I don't think she'd like aranea or meenah either. She doesn't talk much to meulin but she thinks she's sweet and cute. Everyone else she kinda has no involvement with.

Any street fighter fans AND homestuck fans (rare venn diagram, I know) have anything to add?

#street fighter #homestuck #poison #francis' headcanons #francis' aus

[mrdrhenwardhykle]

Aaauufghh

So I feel bad about infodumping all at once about the weird things I noticed; but I do want to say this so I don’t sound like an idiot compared to everything else I post about

Okayyyy, so you may have noticed when I started picking through the deep-internet info and trailers on Don Bluth’s previous attempt to reboot the series that Dirk without his chainmail looked like this

Whicchhh is kindof like a mix between a bob a short-cut and mullet sort of. But also the 80’s movie started looking like this

That looks nothing like him, idk who that man is

To which my art looked more consistently like this

So, what am I doing exactly? Am I ignorant? Am I going against the flow for the fun of it?

If you listened to anything relating to the scrapped movies or anything I said about it, you would know that the movie plots center more around adding in typical kingdom drama (like making Dirk a lost prince-and making Dirk and Daphne grow up like siblings but then turn around and say they were supposed to get married at 6) and doesn’t actually explain game canon and rather retcons and complicates it 🤷

So either way we say it’s not canon!

But at the same time; other media like the comics sort of do the same thing I do

In the comics, it shows Chad Dirk having a shorter cut, likely more suitable when wearing chainmail; but somehow retconning the canon style by designing the front a lot shorter like it’s singed for some reason????

But at the same time he has a brief cameo in the Space Ace series and they somehow made it look more accurate

Anyways, my final point is to rather trust the main series rather than anything Don Bluth or anyone else gets to excited about and runs off with, because I based mine around the three frames that allow you to actually see it

Okay. That’s it. Hope this gave you useful knowledge or some kind of drawing tip.

Thank you for listening to my nonsense. Bye now ✌️

#art guide #model guide #infodump #I don’t get it #I think they’re trying to gruff him up and make him more of a typical masculine protagonist #(which shows in the writing and sudden casting of Ryan Reynolds) #but like #???? #he’s literally just fine without it #a skinnier-jumpy-and silly character can still be considered masculine or valiant #also separate him from ace-stop trying to make them the same guy

[dirt-str1der]

My mind is broken not in the angsty way but in the mac donalds ice cream machine way

#Listen to my problems #mac donalds ice cream machine broke is an ameowrican thing bee tea dubs it doesnt happen in singapore #i had an excellent hal thought this morning but like i thought too hard about it i accidentally hit reset and now i dont remember #the other thing i was thinking about is that i love when people tag him as hal strider cause ofidjhfkfjdkdjdjd hes a. fnucking baby #baby .... that had to do with the first thought that i forgot .... #hal baby .. baby hal ... ??? OH I REMEMBER IT #HAL AND DIRK WATCHING SWORD ART ONLINE TOGETHER (not because its a good anime its fucking shit but cause they need to know every anime) #aND THEY GET TO ALICIZATION (which is the best SAO actually because alice is bomb and her armor doesnt show any pussy) HAL POINTS TO THE #WHOLE CONCEPT OF FLUCTLIGHTS AND COPYING YOUR BRAIN DATA INTO AN AI AND HES LIKE #DAT ME !!!!!!! finally some fucking representation #anyway sword art fucking sucks #and copying your brain data to make an AI ? Chappie did it first #chappie was the movie about the robot who got stolen by like thugs or smth and turned into a killer machine and its mom died and he copied #her brain and constructed a body for her in the robot factory ? i guess u can just do that #i really like that movie because it not only had found famiky but also an unbelievable amount of gore. gore tw right now i wanna talk about #the way some dude got stepped on and his legs were crushed and then he got ripped in half and it showed the strings of his gut kinda flappin #in the air as his top half was tossed away like yessss thats the good shit #//andriod woozy face emoji #i specify andriod because the iphone woozy face emoji is really something else