#but i don't for a number of reasons

[fayeandknight]

I'm still working through the near miss from agility practice. It's been taking a big toll on me and as much as I am loath to admit it - it's because of my disability.

My rambling is going under the cut but that's what this post is. Me trying to sort through why it's shaken me so badly.

There's a few factors all stemming from the same source so I'm going to try to parse them out.

First is the fact that my disability sometimes causes me to lose the ability to move independently and/or speak. I'm lucky that the incident only caused me to be unable to speak. If I'd been unable to move I strongly believe that other dog would have seriously hurt Forte. And it's frightening to know that I can't count on myself to always have the ability to advocate for mine and his safety. It makes me feel incredibly helpless and frustrated in a useless way.

The second is that it dead on hits the mindset I deeply struggle with. This persistent and deep seeded belief that the world is dangerous and I must always keep my head on a swivel and my guard up. That when shit goes down, no one will help me. Logically I know that's not true. I've had plenty of good interactions with others and the vast majority of people are not out to get me. And I have had scenarios where things go sideways and someone does step in to help. But a situation like this preys on my fears that help cannot be counted on. It sends me into a tailspin of feeling like the world is dangerous and the only way to remain safe is to retreat entirely.

The last is that Forte is my big investment into combating that feeling of needing to hide from the world. He's tasks are centered around helping me safely navigate those moments where my disability renders me helpless. So on top of the normal devastation anyone would feel if something bad happened to their beloved dog - I would be losing a big part of my ability to be out in the world at all.

The whole thing sucks and I hate that I'm often pulled to conclusions by twisted reasoning based on fear. But I also can't deny that there is a real basis for said fears when things like this happen. I don't want to give up agility. Both Forte and I enjoy it so much for a multitude of reasons. But part of my brain is screaming that I'm being reckless and shortsighted if I continue. That everything he and I have worked so hard for will end up ruined.

To be clear, I don't think anyone acted maliciously towards me. I think that because the dog was quiet in it's aggression that no one, the handler included, was paying attention. But lack of malicious intent doesn't change that the consequences of my being unable to advocate for myself/dog would have far reaching consequences.

Can I really keep taking the risk in pursuit of something that is, at the end of the day, just for fun? Am I letting my trauma wired brain steer me into a small, isolated life if I quit based on this incident?

I really don't know. And it sucks.

#dogblr #forte #belgian tervuren #psychiatric service dog #dog agility #this would be easier if i had someone i could trust to advocate for us at practice and potentially trials #but i don't for a number of reasons #i was almost late to work the next day #because leaving the house was so hard #and i hate that #i feel so shitty #in both directions #ugh ugh ugh

[switchthedragon]

Fuck it

If this post gets 30k notes I'll ask to go see a therapist.

#switch the dragon #switchthedragon #switch rambles #the number is high for a reason #I don't wanna ask lol #but whatever you guys can convince me if you want #I've never been to therapy #i take pride in that fact

[glow-youyoumu]

⛩️ SHRINE MAIDEN WRAPPED ⛩️

This year you...

Grazed 3283 BULLETS ⭕️

Resolved 2 INCIDENTS ☯️

Exterminated 27 YOUKAI 👺

Kissed 12 WOMEN 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

Drank 907 cups SAKE 🍶

Timed out 50 SPELL CARDS 🎴

Went to HELL 4 times 🔥

Received ¥1900 DONATIONS 💸

#glowhou #touhou #東方 #pls don't judge me on the numbers I just tried to think of random but reasonable?? ones

[probablyanalienindisguise]

#Draft clear 👍 #I don't actually remember why this one was in there but wtv #Also sorry it's old and the text is placed around funnily for some reason #Why DID past me even format it like that what LMAO #digital art #art #hollow knight #hk hollow #hk quirrel #hk pure vessel #quirrel #the hollow knight #quirrelhollow #At least I numbered it but lorddd #It looks confusing

[betweenlands]

i need you all to listen to me. you know how youtube will sometimes randomly recommend videos with like, 58 views? sometimes the stars align and the fucked up algorithm does something right.

go out there and watch a smaller mcyter. sub-100k at the bare minimum, but ideally under 10k and even more ideally under 1000 subs. bonus points if they have in the low 100s to under 100 subscribers. watch whatever video you got recommended. watch another of theirs if you vibe with it. pick a specific series of theirs that you really like. subscribe to them.

now. this is really important. leave comments on the video or series you like. do a running gag if it helps remind you to comment. and more important than that: pick a story they're telling and engage with it. draw silly fanart even if you don't have any place to share it with them. write a tiny little story and keep it all to yourself. hype them up to your friends. get excited about this person's videos. if they do have a discord or whatever, send fanart, get involved in their community, et cetera, just --

i cannot stress enough how good it feels to have at least one tiny niche thing that's your special thing. it rules. the more you can get the better, in all honesty it doesn't even have to be an mcyter it could be an itch.io visual novel or something, just pick something obscure you stumble onto and hold it close and let it tell its story.

there will always be something there.

#txt #yt #orig #misc #yall i'm having emotions about ANOTHER niche mcyter (it's Ardendrus this time she's rad) #but seriously with us feeling kind of disconnected from mainline fandom stuff it feels really nice to have like #these small little pockets of ''i don't have anything to prove to anyone i want to talk about this because it's something that i love'' #while i'm at it you should make an mcyt sona. even if you're never going to make videos in your life make up a guy. do it. trust me it rule #solar scraps #oh yeah since this is doing numbers for some reason. it was mostly about Ardendrus at the time but it's absolutely also about AvidMC

[inkskinned]

im gonna start a fight; and, at the same time, i need you to take this in the most good-faith way possible, but:

videos that involve body-checking and intentionally (and uncritically) show a mealplan of an unhealthy number of calories are just a revamped version of pro-ana food diaries.

and yeah, i know there's arguments. i address some of them under the cut. but at the end of the day, we're just coming back to romanticizing mental illness; we've just found a better platform for it.

this is already something we've done. we knew it was wrong and tried to stop it. and tbh. it just wasn't enough.

there are people who argue "well, what if you have an eating disorder, you can't help it if you don't eat!" except that as someone with an ED; we are not infants. we know what we're doing. part of having an ED is that you are like, maybe too self-aware. even if we can't help our own food choices, we don't need to fucking romanticize the disorder - something we've been warning you about since 2013. there are hours of setup, filming, and editing that go into these videos. they do not happen to fall into place randomly. there is a reason they are pieced together to be beautiful, bright, inspiring.

there's this woman who pretty much only posts daily plans under a normal amount of calories, and everyone defends her saying but it's better than nothing! and i'm like. except she opens those with images of her showing off her body and provides no context in the video or caption that suggests that she believes what she's doing is unhealthy. she has hundreds of thousands of followers on a platform designed for young kids and teens. i refuse to believe that by accident her content just happens to be cheery advice on "healthy" versions of starving.

for any other symptom of mental illness, we would be incredibly enraged by this kind of placid acceptance of a "tips and tricks" fast-start guide. imagine if people posted pink & pretty videos saying "best places to cut yourself" as if it was a fucking storytime. we, as a society, are so fucking fatphobic that we would rather accept blatantly harmful displays of self harm than admit that we are obsessed with a hyper-thin body type.

i am not suggesting someone never talks about their disorder. i talk about mine. actually, it's a plot point in my book.

here's the difference: i recognize it's a fucking mental illness. i am very careful to never mention a specific weight, eating pattern, or calorie plan. i always make sure to position it as something that ruined my fucking life. i do not put cheery music in the background and hearts and sparkles over my worst moments. i do not film it in bright light. i do not start each passage with an image of a thin body followed by "here's how to look like her."

eating disorders should not be framed as aspirational. and the problem is that society worships the "after" image, so long as you don't get too sick. there is a reason so many people who quit being "influencers" will later admit - i wasn't eating well that whole time; an obsession with food was completely destroying my life.

we let any uncredited, uncertified person write the most backwards, fucked up shit about how to get the body you desire! because the underlying, secret belief is: well, at least they're thin! and the real thing that fucking gets me each time - they make fucking money off of it. their irresponsibility and societal harm literally pays off for them.

"why do you care so much." "don't like it don't look." "so what if people experiment with new ways of thinking of food?"

thank you for asking. we're about to get extremely personal. it's because when i was 18 i discovered "thinspiration"/"thinspo." and it absolutely influenced, shaped, and codified my pre-existing eating disorder. i went from having some troubling habits and traits to being incredibly unwell within what felt like a matter of days. there were actual pages designed to train me on how to have an ED correctly. it was all so suddenly easy. i was sick; and the nature of the illness meant - i wanted to be sicker.

it takes an average of 7 years for a person to fully recover. i know this personally - even now, 10 years from the worst of it, i still fucking struggle. i am so much happier now and i eat what i want and i literally don't think about food at all (19 year old me would shudder) and yet - i still fucking know the calories of plain toast with butter.

an eating disorder is one of the deadliest types of mental illness. over 1 in 4 people with an ED will attempt suicide.

and i'm sorry. i just do not see the exchange rate of "high rate of engagement" versus "the value of a human life."

#and there's something else in there about like .... #tbh once i got over something like 1k followers #i stopped being specific about my ED for a REASON. #yes on ur personal locked blog that u use like a diary go ahead etc #but we are OBVIOUSLY not talking about that. we're talking about the sheer NUMBER of people i could be talking about #in that one paragraph. that you and i probably were thinking about 2 different influencers #bc they get to say that they're just posting FITNESS and if it's FITNESS it's OKAY and im like #jesus christ lord almighty #every person in recovery from an ED: this is incredibly dangerous holy shit do you know how much this would have triggered me #each of these ppl: how dare you!!!!!!!!! i am only harming those who WANT to engage with my content!!!!! #their followers: leave them alone !!! they can't help that they make an hours-long choice to frame their disorder as if it was #fucking cottagecore !!!! #like girlie this person needs THERAPY #again! i didn't even have that large of a following before i IMMEDIATELY deleted any specific mention of calories food etc #bc i recognize responsibility and i didnt EVER want to even ACCIDENTALLY encourage this #and im not even GETTING PAID FOR THIS!!! #aND THEY ARE!!! #something something something they know this content makes them money #they don't give a SHIT about u babe

[lunaryhues]

i guess my brain has decided to reactivate a hyperfixation from ten years ago

#rayman #artists on tumblr #not shown: a large number of doodles of him and other characters from this series from the past month #its the most fun i've had with drawing anything in years #its genuinely making me rethink how i approach drawing certain things in general #so i guess there's a reason for everything?????? #anyway i don't know how to draw ukuleles or other guitar-like instruments sue me

[captainkirkk]

When I started writing 'lessons in tea making', I set out to make it a longfic that following ATLA Book 2 and 3 in its entirety but now its been almost 5 years and I'm realising that I'm probably never going to get around to finishing this monster of a wip

HOWEVER, I do have around 15k of chapter 2 collecting dust in my google drive so.... what's everyone's opinion on authors uploading (signposted) unfinished chapters....

#i can admit that the plot at the end of book 2 spiraled entirely out of control #it's the wall i will never be able to scale and i need to admit defeat #i have some of chapter 2 written but i also don't want to ruin chapter 1 for everyone #so.. thoughts?? #my posts #ficblogging #i'm usually strictly a one-shot writer #for a REASON #every time i get the urge to write longfic i have to remind myself that that's the devil talking #because the attempt will likely fail and kill me in the process #authors who effortlessly write 100k fics..... who did you sell your soul to and can you give me their number

[hymnsofheresy]

Do you pray for the hostages too?

Yes. I pray for the 110 or so israeli and immgrant hostages assumed to still be alive. And I also pray for the hundreds of Palestianian hostages arrested without charge in Israeli prisons assumed to be alive.

I pray for a ceasefire so that the Israeli hostages are released. I also pray for the end of Israeli apartheid government, so that Palestianians are liberated.

#i recommend reading some articles on the israeli hostages that were released #they each have individual perspectives but i notice online that people are refusing to hear many of their critiques of the israeli state #oftentimes dismissing the hostages of being ''irrationally traumatized'' or ''coerced'' into saying things #now i don't agree with all of them. especially since a lot are reformers. but i think it is important to hear their perspectives #also in general #the sheer number of palestians suffering compared to the israeli hostages is the reason why i think this ''whataboutism'' is ridiculous #you have 2 million people suffering and i am supposed to direct my primary attention to what like 100 of them specifically? #especially considering that there is one side that can end this whole thing: israel #hamas has already offered to release the hostages #in exchange for a ceasefire #and any attempt that the israeli military tried to ''liberate'' the hostages ended up in their deaths #what so far at least 3 israeli hostages were killed by israel (and there was probably more unconfirmed)

[lafragolina]

just kill me

#this whole article is bad but this was the WORST #not even for the reason you think (819 reasons) #Eliza you've already heard this rant but #if I can be way too sincere and long-winded for a moment #'always if I ask him something he helps' #how many quotes do we have from teammates over the years saying that exact thing #michael latta saying 'it doesn't matter if you're a top pair dman or a 4th line peasant; he'll do anything to help you' #christian djoos saying 'he's always there for you no matter what time or place. if something's up he's always there' #HHA saying recently nicke gave him his number and told him 'if you need anything just call me and I can help you' #carly in that interview when this was announced saying how nicke has been the support for everyone in that locker room from himself and osh #to guys who haven't been there long like strome and even pacioretty #I know holts and batya and andre and rasmus and jojo and tj and tom and karl alzner have all said stuff like this too #and that's just who I can think of off the top of my head #like. that's it. that's nicke. #if you ask him something. he helps. #for such an amazing athlete. for such a crucial part of making hockey A Thing in DC. #what his teammates want to talk about is his kindness #and that speaks so highly of him and is so genuinely admirable to me and worth aspiring to #I don't want to put anyone on a pedestal because we don't know these guys #but like. in terms of impact. nicke really genuinely made me try to be a better more thoughtful more actively outreaching friend #because I saw the way his teammates talked about him and that's how I want to be thought of. #I want people to know I'll be there for them. & not that I haven't been willing to do that but I've been more active about offering it #and part of that genuinely is because of his example #there's a million other things about his kindness I could mention before I even get to his hockey but this has already gone on far too long #so anyway #he is so dear to me #I hope he is happy and healthy #and that he knows how loved he is #nicklas backstrom #hockey

[lesbiannova]

There are no words for how much I love Cassette Beasts' theme about humanity's ability to change reality, both for good and for bad, with Archangels being a representation of it, along with an ultimately hopeful and optimistic message that humans can do better and make a difference both to the world and themselves.

#cassette beasts #leilukin talks cassette beasts #reasons number n cassette beasts is my favourite video game ever #i may write a proper meta essay about this #but i don't know when it will be done

[ahollowgrave]

Happy Galentine's Day!

Odette has hard candies in her lil' purse! She'll share with you! If you mime catching the kiss she blows you, she might share two. Prudence was blackmailed into this.

Standalones of the girls because I like them so much!

#Pigeon screens #Prudence Dubois #Odette Hollows #hello i think prudence looks so handsome actually................... #this is one of those kinda OOC kinda IC shots you know?? #I don't think Odette is a fan of Valentione's day for a number of reasons but she is a sucker for a romantic tale #but also ooc because galentine's day isn't a thing in game obvi but also these girls.................... they're gals and they're pals #and also............. #their eventual friendship is sooooo important to me now (': #you understand #but AHHHHH #she looks so cute blowing a kiss

[pearlcaddy]

LOCKWOOD & CO. 1.05

#lockwood & co #lockwood and co #lockwoodandcoedit #anthony lockwood #anthonylockwoodedit #lucy carlyle #lucycarlyleedit #locklyle #locklyleedit #tvedit #pearlcaddyedit #pearlcaddy l&co #this scene was a nightmare to color for no reason #the number of times i'm like 'oh i'll just gif a quick moment from l&co how hard could it be' #REALLY HARD. WHEN WILL I LEARN #i don't have a whole tag spiral this time #i just love the lil nods to each other #the nonverbal battle couple confirmation that they're on the same page #'you got me?' 'i got you.'

[black-rose-writings]

My favorite videogame genre, btw

#lucius game #fran bow #kindergarten game #warframe #wanted to add the eldritch abomination that's responsible for all the murders #but there's a character limit on steam collections #Only realized warframe counted later #which is strange considering I have a reasonable number of hours on the other games and 1300+ on WF #don't judge I had a lot of boring online classes in 2020/2021

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Need castiel to come and hit me in the head with a hammer

#not for harm reasons I think it would be soothing #my braon feels like flattened out cardboard right now #doing a masters degree takes so much wooooooork #(as cas would say: work. yes.) #he could heal me afterwards I just think it would be a) stimulating and b) sexy #don't read b don't look at number b shh sh shut up #him loosely swinging a hammer and then whacking it into my head with precision. need a gif of that but it's not real 😞 #CUT AND PRINT! #cawis creates #< I'm gonna want to find this post again if I ever say I'm normal about castiel lmao

[uncanny-tranny]

The funniest thing about adulthood is learning that playing never stopped at childhood. Adults play, but they couch it in so many words, unless it is sports or video games, which are apparently appropriate things to accurately call "play."

Play is important, and I hope young people know that they won't be giving up the safety and fun of play in order to become Stuffy Adults. Don't fear growing up because everybody tells you how miserable you will be. You will be the same as you were, just in a bigger body.

#positivity #encouragement #encouraging words #i think this is part of the reason people are afraid TO grow up #play is a human need actually <3 #you don't stop needing play just because you reach a magical number that wipes away All Fun #i wonder how many people would be more keen on growing older if we actually let them be people #play isn't childish it is human <3 #i know i have talked about this before but i personally think it's imoortant <<3 #going to go to my other adult friends like 'yo you wanna come over and play' like that one scene in diary of a wimpy kid