#i was almost late to work the next day

[fayeandknight]

I'm still working through the near miss from agility practice. It's been taking a big toll on me and as much as I am loath to admit it - it's because of my disability.

My rambling is going under the cut but that's what this post is. Me trying to sort through why it's shaken me so badly.

There's a few factors all stemming from the same source so I'm going to try to parse them out.

First is the fact that my disability sometimes causes me to lose the ability to move independently and/or speak. I'm lucky that the incident only caused me to be unable to speak. If I'd been unable to move I strongly believe that other dog would have seriously hurt Forte. And it's frightening to know that I can't count on myself to always have the ability to advocate for mine and his safety. It makes me feel incredibly helpless and frustrated in a useless way.

The second is that it dead on hits the mindset I deeply struggle with. This persistent and deep seeded belief that the world is dangerous and I must always keep my head on a swivel and my guard up. That when shit goes down, no one will help me. Logically I know that's not true. I've had plenty of good interactions with others and the vast majority of people are not out to get me. And I have had scenarios where things go sideways and someone does step in to help. But a situation like this preys on my fears that help cannot be counted on. It sends me into a tailspin of feeling like the world is dangerous and the only way to remain safe is to retreat entirely.

The last is that Forte is my big investment into combating that feeling of needing to hide from the world. He's tasks are centered around helping me safely navigate those moments where my disability renders me helpless. So on top of the normal devastation anyone would feel if something bad happened to their beloved dog - I would be losing a big part of my ability to be out in the world at all.

The whole thing sucks and I hate that I'm often pulled to conclusions by twisted reasoning based on fear. But I also can't deny that there is a real basis for said fears when things like this happen. I don't want to give up agility. Both Forte and I enjoy it so much for a multitude of reasons. But part of my brain is screaming that I'm being reckless and shortsighted if I continue. That everything he and I have worked so hard for will end up ruined.

To be clear, I don't think anyone acted maliciously towards me. I think that because the dog was quiet in it's aggression that no one, the handler included, was paying attention. But lack of malicious intent doesn't change that the consequences of my being unable to advocate for myself/dog would have far reaching consequences.

Can I really keep taking the risk in pursuit of something that is, at the end of the day, just for fun? Am I letting my trauma wired brain steer me into a small, isolated life if I quit based on this incident?

I really don't know. And it sucks.

#dogblr #forte #belgian tervuren #psychiatric service dog #dog agility #this would be easier if i had someone i could trust to advocate for us at practice and potentially trials #but i don't for a number of reasons #i was almost late to work the next day #because leaving the house was so hard #and i hate that #i feel so shitty #in both directions #ugh ugh ugh

[hypogryffin]

how do u draw so much so fast

well,

#the short answer is autism and ritalin. btw #the long answer is: i wake up anywhere between 730-0900. i draw. if i have work when i come back i go and i draw. #i go to bed anywhere between 0100 and 0230. i wake up the next day and i draw. #i dont draw fast and in fact i get distracted and/or procrastinate quite often #i just have 16 hour days! every day! i am awake for 16 hours! sometimes more depending on the general mood! [cursed emoji here] #and like! wtf do you even do at that point?? how do you fill a 16 hour day? an 110 hour week? an almost 6000 hr year? #i draw! i have been drawing *seriously* since grade 2! and i have *seriously* loved the persona series since like mid/late 2017! #for those of you keeping score at home; i am 19! 2017 was grade 7 for me! ive loved this series for almost a full third of my life! #[continued emotional rant cut for length] but this is my community and my arts been the way i interact with this community since #(looks at my blog archive) 2019 when i posted my first persona art! please dont look at any of that now tho lmao! #so i guess. if the long answer needs to be short too then the long answer is love!!!! its always been love!!!! AND ALSO STILL RITALIN!!!!!! #asks & requests #personal

[restinpeacesensei]

traditional style 💖

#akoya gero #gero akoya #cute high earth defense club love #binan koukou chikyuu bouei bu love! #boueibu #my art #my akoya wanted to join in the vintage dress-up party too!! \;;w;;/ #ognvuhgh i wanted to have this done earlier bc other people were doing art so fast for the new outfits but it got dragged out #it was Mostly done a few days ago and i made final edits and was going to post it just before i rushed out to work #i put it up then i was like '??? wait there's a color blob in the wrong place i thought i fixed that???' #i was down to my last minute and didn't have time to do it so i was like auuuughhgh and took the whole thing down #on the Next day i opened the file again to see what was wrong and the color blob was NOT THERE #so im like ??? why did it suddenly appear again in the png. so i looked and i made an error in naming my files #i accidentally named one of the versions 30 instead of 03 so it sorted into the last place instead of the actual most recent version (07) #so that is the reason i ended up being 1 minute late to work. and the lesson to me is i should not try to post at the absolute last minute #(i say this but if i don't get smth done i can't stop thinking about it. it bothers me constantly to have something almost finished but not #(and then it's difficult for me to focus on other tasks so this is why i feel like i have to just get it done before i switch tasks) #anyway i wasn't totally sure what era the traditional outfits are supposed to be from. im not knowledgeable about fashion actually T.T #i googled 'when were suspenders popular' and ended up just looking at old photos and clothing patterns from the 30s-40s #photos from back then were black-and-white can you believe it.. you have to actually look at drawings and paintings to find color #everyone who left me messages elsewhere: THANK YOU SO MUCH!! \>/////</ i will reply soon!! \;;W;;/

[quinn-pop]

Mayta Knight day 22 - Plushie

personally i have a hard time imagining kirby as oblivious and emotionally unaware. at least when it comes to those he’s closest with. mk hates it because he’s usually right. :’)

bonus:

#text in notes !! #ironically part of why this took so long to post is because ive been working on my own plush lately #some serious pen art moments here but for being unscripted i like it enough #we’re almost to the end so i feel motivated to post the rest quickly but #going to be distracted with ll stuff for the next few days (mostly anyway) #gonna post smth im excited about hehe #mayta knight #kirbyposting #kirby #meta knight #metadad #sailor waddle dee #pretty sure this is also what made me decide i had to find a real way to draw mk’s mask #cuz yikes #my art or something #“’it looks so bad why are you posting this in june ur so weird’ to the worm in my brain: shut up!!! #ok that’s all

[bunnihearted]

🧸🧃⛈️

#so like late last night i started to get rlly panicky nd upset #bc it's v much looking like im gnna fail my english class. i need to be done next wednesday which means i need to work rlly hard #nd go to school extra to have a presentation nd do tests etc etc #nd im still in pain after surgery nd im rlly depressed bc of my physical health so i just dont think i can be strong nd make it this time #in my almost breakdown i wrote a self referral to the clinic/psych department for personality disorders.... #it usually takes them around 2 days to answer you but this time at like 8am they sent me a message AND called me #(i think. im not certain it's them bc i havent checked the voice message or the reply lmaooo. but it should be them) #the thing abt having avpd is now im immediately stressed af nd i regret sending it. i donr wanna check their reply #also it might be bc i wrote a lot abt killing myseld etc etc nd now im worried theyre gnna be like girlie get checked in!!!! lol T-T #i just needed to be very clear nd act frsutrted nd desperate bc i have never gotten treatment in 10yrs nd im TIRED!!!! #my initial reaction is to avoid at all costs nd just pull my covers above my head nd pretend like i dont have to check their reply lol #i dont wannaaaaaa. i take it back i dont want help!!! its fine i dont wanna try or work hard let me rot #why did i do this!!!!! fml. anyway... i'll check later today bc since its early i can still use the excuse of sleepinf thru the days #many ppl working w mentally ill ppl understand that it's normal actually to switch the day around nd sleep during the days sksksk #but also i have no idea how many typos r in here bc im not wearing my glasses whoopsie #yeah.. anyway im gonna try to go back to sleep nd not think abt it #hopefully it wasnt even them calling 🤡 i know i HAVE to check later but not now i can take a few hours #then today i need to figure out if im gnna make one last attempt w my eng class or give up idk what to do

[lloydfrontera]

touch starved lloyd who will lean into any gentle touch he gets without thinking about it, who never initiates anything but is also never the first to pull away, who sometimes flinches at unexpected contact but will gravitate closer to those he trusts so he's always withing arm's reach

#tged #the greatest estate developer #lloyd frontera #i would say 'someone give that man a hug' but honestly marbella and arcos do that pretty often it's really sweet <3 #but like imagine javier noticing it and dismissing it at first until curiosity gets the best of him #so he starts slowly initiating small touches between them like a little tap in his shoulder to get his attention or maybe a quick pat #on his back as he passes by or maybe standing a bit closer than normal so his arms touch slightly #and it's nothing noticeable nothing lloyd could actually call him out if he even noticed it #but that's the thing. he doesn't notice. but he does start leaning more and more into every small touch javier dares to give him #sometimes even starting to stand closer to javier almost as if seeking the small presses of their arms #so javier starts getting a bit bolder. grabbing him by the sleeve and then the wrist to pull his attention to something. #sitting right next to him whenever there's a chance. subtly bumping their shoulders together when someone says anything dumb or funny. #in one notable occasion when he had to grab lloyd by the hip and guide him as they walked because he was too engrossed in his work #and also too sleep deprived to notice if he was about to walk into someone #and so it continues until suddenly one day javier has lloyd sprawled all over him and he's like 'Wait. why was i doing all of this for' #but by then is too late lloyd has become to used to javier constantly touching him and has subconsciously decided he's his personal plushie #btw this is all without lloyd actively realizing anything as far as he knows everything is perfectly normal #and he's doing great he's gonna get a good grade in being a Functional Adult something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve #i talk a lot <3

[deva-arts]

☆ Nathaniel Wilson ☆

I Really Like Nathaniel because the guy embodies Hope and Positivity without forcing it down the gullets of everyone around him.

He looks like he'd be a pleasant individual to actually be around at 7 am. Even before his coffee. [ Sera should be too, she doesn't seem like an unbearable person to be around in La Matinée ( the Morning ) . But still, she is alot grumpier than her other half. ]

With that said. Insert Happy music here. Nujabes or Smth.

Submitted by @mettamorphoses!

Love the way you drew Nate here! such a clean style and serious face :> He's my favorite little quadfocal guy... friendly, polite, and a good conversationalist! You're absolutely right, he's one of the easiest people to get along with. It's almost like he knows exactly what to say to people.

Sera isn't grumpy so much as she is disinterested and dismissive. She heads to work without bothering to make small talk besides a basic "Hello." if she passes you by. Not the worst outcome, really, if silence doesn't bother you.

#submission #yeah. i'm in Tags too. wassup witchu #Aight but seriously i wonder how literally anyone would be like at 7 am. #Deva's tags start here => #If he's home for the day he will always be a good conversationalist and offer breakfast or coffee on a morning #This is literally so cool #queued post #As for people at 7 am... #Sera is up by 4 AM unless Nate doesn't have work. By 7 she has already had breakfast and gotten ready to work on her projects. #If you catch her it is likely after she returns from a morning flight. She'll be civil but it can easily come off the wrong way. aw. #Nate takes a lot of long shifts that stretch into the night. Due to this he and Sera have very contrasting schedules. #If you see him in the morning it is usually only because of the weekend or whatever other days he takes off. He is a very tired guy #Vincent has a very erratic schedule and he is always out and about doing things that fancy him #He is also a HEAVY sleeper. Nothing can really wake him except for a very specific noise #Said sound makes him wake up in a horrendous mood. Most mornings are thankfully safe from this sort of temper. #It is hard to say what new bizarre thing he will get himself into next. Like doomcrying while hidden on the roof of a religious congregatio #Sonia is not up by 7 AM without a good reason to be. She is down at the kitchen in a bathrobe by 9 to eat some breakfast. #Which made her the unknowing first victim of Vincent's newly founded pyramid scheme #Amon is a late riser since he is still used to his old schedule from his time at the Ricciardi mafia. Sleeps late? wakes late! #If it's a weekday he will always be up at 6 AM regardless of the amount he slept to take Adra to school. #Eric tends to wake up early but often gets caught up in personal projects. He loves music and editing his tracks but it really eats his tim #So Eric will be going to sleep at 4 and see Sera making herself coffee whilst Nate is also coming home from work and crashing on the couch. #Not even Amon heads in that late. Maybe Vincent does though. If he's “Traversing the night.” Like he says he does. #Vince can't see very well at night anymore. And the sun is almost blinding now. But it's nothing to an immortal like him! ha! bow before hi

[noisytenant]

sorry, i think this might come across mean, but it is simply how i feel.

almost always i genuinely enjoy writing alt text and im glad im in the habit of doing it. but also, the idea of having someone else describe my images instead of me is so viscerally repulsive. I wonder if we could use this to get more people to write alt text. if you dont wanna write alt text then someone else decides how your post looks to people using screen readers (or people with slow internet). shudder !

and i want to be clear. the people who add image descriptions are incredibly kind and doing a great service often for little to no recognition or appreciation. And a lot of them are good at it. But it isnt about the quality of the description--they could be the best damn writer in the world, they could knock my piddly description into smithereens--if someone else ever became the voice to describe my art, or my face in a memey selfie, or literally anything i posted for public viewing, i would explode. i was born a control freak and i will die a control freak. ONLY I DECIDE MY NARRATIVE ‼‼‼

#indexed post #It would be noble to say that making my work accessible is the only reason i do it... #But this is admittedly also a factor #And as usual I recommend the “alt text as poetry” workshop which informs how i approach alt text. i want to make a summary sometime #also bc like we live in an instant gratification timeline #lots of times i share something privately on discord or on a locked acct where i know nobody needs the descs #so i can be like yayy everyone like my picture like 2 mins after i post it and get 100000 notes #and then after like an hour or the next day if its late i write the alt text which almost always takes like 2-5mins tops #and post it publicly and then im like yaayyyy ayyaya yayayyayayayyayyyay ayayayayyay #but yeah i think like as a sighted person writing alt text is its own expressive form that grants you extended control over your art #so even if you dont personally know or feel the impact of alt text on others #You can come to appreciate it for self-serving reasons HAHA. #the optics of this are obviously not as good but personally i think the pragmatic results outweigh the purity of the sentiment imo #and curb cut effect etc. #anyways. just my musing for the night

[lucifer]

I’ve legitimately had a rotten day today. :(

#it’ll get better probably but I’ve been close to tears all day and I’m not really a crying person #never cry ever but today has made me want to pull my hair out! #I wake up late for work and then I go to close the door to my kitchen and the HANDLE falls off #had to move everything from my living room to the kitchen because there are workers fixing a part of the wall #forgot my headphones #get to work and my manager just randomly decided to switch everyone’s seats for the fun ig but like #I have issues with change and routine and blah blah also he sat me next to a dude that makes me uncomfortable #so I asked to move and then we had to move all the pcs around and all the cables were messed up #chest hurts my asthma is acting up and I still don’t have an inhaler #got into a fight with my bf over something stupid and almost cried in public #(all is well it was a silly fight) #didn’t get to get the hot chocolate I wanted because I was upset over said fight and just walked back to work #I go to get lunch and the place closed early somehow when they never do that #I am almost completely broke #get home to relax and the workers are STILL HERE even though they were supposed to be finished hours ago #it’s all a lot of silly small things but I do feel as if the world is against me today #bf is going to buy me pizza for dinner and also I have a rp reply from Simon I can distract myself with so all will be well soon!!!!

[ilonacho]

it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat

#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom #2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places #and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again #like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up #not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day! #i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation? #like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary #like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??) #but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks #and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it? #i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep #before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything #and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’ #but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend #i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it #but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this #i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man #ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything #i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for #not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for #and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween #i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art #+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here) #it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this

[musical-chick-13]

I need to. Take a break. From this.

#which like. REALLY sucks. because it's been almost 4 weeks since Last Update and it would likely need another one or two more #of working at every available free moment to get the next chapter in any kind of acceptable shape given how little the Health Problems™ #have been letting me get done lately #but I feel like. if it's becoming this torturous of a process. it is time to maybe put it away for a bit. #maybe I'll change my mind in the upcoming days but. for now...yeah...........

[heyitslapis]

I don't have time for people who don't have time for me

I don't have time for people who don't have time for me

I don't have time for people who don't have time for me

#yes yes i know adult life leaves little room for spending time with people who you care about & even if we have time we're burnt out #but my whole adult life has been white-knuckled clinging to relationships or people that barely if ever send that energy back #as soon as theyre onto the next person that will entertain them. as soon as theyve found something to fill the time that i usually take up #as soon as theyve gotten all they wanted from me emotionally. as soon as its inconvient to see me. almost as soon as theyre bored #then suddenly its me waiting for a text. waiting for a day to hang out. hearing over and over again that yet another thing is more importan #than me. and i get it. life happens. schools important. work is important. rest is important. but at the point im at in my life #im looking for people who actually make an effort not just give months and months of excuses as to why they suddenly cant hang out #im a pushover. im easy-going. im a very understanding person. i get it bc theres also very few days per week that im free to socialize #but i cant keep letting myself act subservient to everyone else in my life. i always put my friends & potential friends so high on pedestal #i treat them & their time as precious. now i refuse to let someone do anything but the same for me. my time/energy/love is just as precious #i dont deserve only a text when you need something from me or just to act as a treat to tide me over until the next transgression #and i certainly am NOT going to be the person that you can stand-up and then expect to still answer your text. not anymore. #in prioritizing my mental health lately ive realized that this pattern HAS TO STOP. i cant allow myself to continue the same harmful cycles #i deserve better. i need better. i WANT BETTER #emma vents #vent tag #healing tag

[silverislander]

symptoms disorder is causing symptoms of a disorder to me once more. shocking and tragic. who could have predicted this

#im just frustrated man. its hard #working on my essay has been easy! im having fun im excited to do this and i think im doing good work #but unfortunately bc my brain is tied to seven horses running in opposite directions. its the ONLY thing i can fucking work on lately #ive been putting off work in my three other courses in order to work on my essay #and now those deadlines are coming up and i still cant fucking. make myself do stuff to meet them #i have 2 days to write up at least 6 discussion posts from 2 weeks ago + write at least 2 journal entries on books i didnt get time to read #+ finish a short essay #i have a week to finish 2 other short essays #i have a week and a half to finish the next part of my big essay #i need to start work on my theory presentation so i dont fall behind bc presentations are NOT smth i half ass #i havent done any of the readings for any course in almost a month. im so behind on those its not even funny #but i can only make myself do one fucking thing rn and its the least relevant thing where the deadlines are negotiable. why #levi.txt

[iced-souls]

I like how I’m always like “WHY HAVENT I FINISHED MY ANIMATIC YET ITS BEEN LIKE A YEAR BROOO COME ON BRAIN!!!”

and then proceed to binge-draw an entire storyboard for an entire song for another animatic off of an entirely different thing

#it happened again— #IM ALMOST DONE THE STORYBAORD I #M SORRY— #AKA IM HALFWAY DONE— #don’t worry don’t worry I work on the original thing next week #volleyboll has taken up my every animation club lately but next week I am free so I will work more then— #lmao anyways #they all goodies and I love them very mach #hehehehhehehehehehhehehehehehehehheheehwfagfhshgwhwghwwheheh #have a good day #random stuff—

[sagesfandomspot]

sooo how do we feel about getting the first chapter of the next installment of New Beginnings next Sunday??

#like for real #i'm almost done editing the first chapter #and I have another nine chapters written after that #I'm hoping to post weekly? #Sundays if that works for people #it doesn't have a title yet lol that's my goal for the next couple days #but i've been able to get some consistent work done on it lately!!! #and the productivity is still flowing!!! #everyone cross your fingers that my motivation doesn't disappear 😅 #new beginnings tag

[winged-bat]

a short thing of random thoughty thoughts

• Damian uses tone indicators (the /j, /srs, /g thing) bc he needs people to know his threats are legit, also he has a hard time with emotions and telling them apart so it’s helpful for him and he sometimes has a hard time getting things across in the right way so it makes it easier for him to be understood

• Tim has so many overdue school library books in his room that they have essentially become his, he doesn’t even remember checking them out but they’re there

• Most places/teachers always have music playing in the background and Damian always tries to fine a taping pattern that goes along with the beats of the song/instruments playing

• Damian has a pin collection of just ones he finds cool, he had some of his school backpack once but one of them fell off once and someone almost took it so he keeps them safely in his room now

• Bruce uses military time bc alfred does and he got used to it, this in turn leads to them only using that so everyone else grows used to that time system and its the only one they can work with and that makes sense to them

#sorry for being mia for like 2 weeks #ive been stressed #i painted my room and i have to go though and organize everything #i still need to finish that #and then i almost got behind on my school work #i had a confusing math test today and i have chem test next week #also i had to talking in front of the class on wednesday and i only had a day to get my info together #my presentation lasted the whole class it was an argument thing #oh and my school does these tradey sweeps and its so annoying #they’ve done them every period all week this week #also i have to do the pacer in pe next week #and ive not been wanting to my assignments lately but its fine #since its colder now ive been not wanting to get up ti go to the bus so i end up only having like 15/20 minutes to get ready #but im getting a hair cut this weekend so im looking forward to that #hopefully its not terrible #anyways sorry for ranting in these tags #batfamily #batfam #damian wayne #tim drake #robin #red robin #hcs #batfam hcs #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #batman #goodnights and hopefully ill come back on here in the morning as well ✌️