#but i'm just... hoping... it ends someday

[gavisfanta]

TIKTOK - GAVI

summary: you and Gavi do a tiktok trend together

warnings: noneeee

"Okay, so we're gonna ask questions about ourselves and if the other person gets it wrong, were allowed to dip their head into water. Are you ready" You looked away from your phone and then at Gavi.

"Yeah, but you know that I can't remember things very well." Gavi joked and then sat down infront of the bowl filled with water.

"Yeah, you tell yourself that." You put your hand on the back of Gavis head and played with his hair a bit.

"What's my favourite city in the whole world?" You asked and Gavi began to smile while he looked at the camera.

"Barcelona?" He questioned while he looked at you.

You began to smile and let go of his head. "I'll let that count." Gavi looked at you confused and held his hands up into the air.

"What do you mean? Is it not Barcelona?" He asked and you smiled.

"Rome and Barcelona." Gavi's mouth opened slightly as he remembered.

"Righttt we went there for your birthday!" He put his right hand to his head while you two swapped places.

You were now facing the bowl filled with water and Gavi had his hand on the back of your head.

"When did I debut for the first team?" Gavi asked, he thought that you would never get this right. However the smile that spread across your lips made him a bit nervous.

"29th of August 2021."

"how did you know that?" His jaw dropped while you two swapped again.

"I was literally there to experience it, you think I forgot when my boyfriend debuted?" You grinned and slowly a smile made it's way to his face too.

"Yeah okay, fair." 

"So" You began as you two swapped seats again. "What would I name my daughter if I had one?"  You asked and Gavi immediately began to smile.

"Gavi junior." He laughed. "Okay I'm kidding, I'm kidding" He held his hands up to defend himself as he felt your hand push his head a bit closer to the water. "Estrella" He smiled as soon as he heard you sigh.

"Estrella sounds like a good name no?" You asked him as you swapped seats again.

"Yeah, Estrella sounds like a good name for our daughter." Gavi smiled at you and you looked at the camera. Your cheeks colored in a light pinkish tone.

Then as your head was above the water, you smiled while listening to Gavi. "If I had been a girl, what would have been my name?" Gavi asked with a sly smile.

"Your parents hoped you'd be a boy so they never thought about a girl name." You hekd your breath, ready to be dunked but nothing happened.

"Joder you really do listen to me when I talk." Gavi laughed and you nodded your head.

"Yeah, you should maybe listen to me too sometime." You shot back as Gavi's eyes widened and he sat down infront of the bowl.

"I do listen to you?" He said in his defence. You crossed your arms as your eyes widened even more than before.

"Yeah, what's my favourite color?" You asked and immediately dunked his head into the water.

"Hey I know it's red!?" Gavi asked as he pushed his dripping hair out of his face.

"It's purple!" You answered loudly and sat down on the chair as soon as he stood up.

"Okay, sorry." He smiled a bit. You shook your head and turned to look at your phone.

"Okay guys thank you for tuning in and see you next time." You waved at the camera and saw that Gavi was waving too.

After you ended the video you turned on the chair to look at him.

"Y/n, Estrella and Gavi. Hm?" He hummed as he leaned down and pecked your lips.

"Not yet, we're too young." You told him and he just smiled.

"Not yet, I know, but someday, we'll have our own little family." He put his hand on the back of your head as he said that. "You're gonna stay at home and care for the kids while I am at practice and every weekend you'd take them to Camp Nou, and whenever I score a goal, I'll run up to you and kiss you." Gavi smiled as he imagined how his perfect future was supposed to look like.

"Sounds like I'll be fine then." You smiled and he leaned down to peck your lips again.

"You'll be more than just fine Amor."

#barca #fc barcelona #football #gavi #futbol #fanfic #mustread #espana #pablo gavi #gavi x reader #pablo paez gavi #i miss gavi #gavi fluff #trend #tiktok #fiction #gavi fanfiction

[sirfrogsworth]

Peter McKinnon did a video with a photographer named Garrett King. And he just went on a very long rant about lazy photographers who use Photoshop and "fixing it in post."

He continues... "You can't do that in film. You can't just make a bad decision and say "Oh, I'll fix it in post." (Not true. There was plenty of editing in dark rooms in the past. And now you can scan a film photo and literally manipulate it like a digital photo.) Fix it in post drives me nuts. That statement is so played out. It drives me nuts that people say that. Cuz dude, I don't work that way."

He also says that choosing film is the "hard path" and keeps talking about how lazy photographers who photoshop are.

I love film photography. I have an old Minolta that my mom gave me that I hope to restore and use someday.

But film photographers drive *me* nuts sometimes.

IT'S NOT A COMPETITION!

BOTH THINGS ARE COOL!

This idea that their way of making art is more valid or authentic than my way of making art is just a continuation of an old school mentality that really needs to die. There are still some photographers who will bully people because they use autofocus or aperture priority mode.

I actually think learning to be really good at Photoshop is much more challenging than learning to be good at photography. Sure, there are fields like photographic microscopy and product photography that require years to master, but I've been learning Photoshop for 20 years and I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of what is possible.

I have seen people with near 0 experience take an amazing picture.

I have seen people who barely know how their camera works take consistently good photos. It's the "using only power chords" version of photography.

But I have never seen someone with 0 experience photoshop something artistically impressive.

When people say "that looks Photoshopped" as if that is an insult, it really breaks my heart. Photoshop was a huge reason for my success. My ability to lay in bed and make funny things was essential to building my blog.

My post on Karl Taylor's Clinque photoshoot had so many comments saying his work "looked photoshopped" and it was a little frustrating.

Firstly because he actually sculpts with light and isn't actually very good at Photoshop. When he takes a picture, it pretty much looks like that from the start. The rest is just minor compositing work and blemish removal.

And secondly, because that kind of product photography predates Photoshop. Karl was doing this when Photoshop was just a baby.

In fact, still life photography was inspired by Dutch paintings of fruit and shit.

They were all, "I cannot stand sitting with another yappy model for days on end. I'm sick of people. I'm just going to paint *stuff* but with really amazing lighting."

But it is also frustrating because there is this mentality that digital tools are lesser. As if digital artists just press a few buttons and cheat-code their way into good images.

It's the same mentality people have about CGI. CG artists are the modern day sculpturists. They do the same thing as Michaelangelo or Rodin, just with different tools and in a different medium. Oh, but they also animate their sculptures in thousands of frames in multiple dynamic lighting environments all while maintaining photorealism.

To me, Thanos is just as artistically impressive as the statue of David or The Thinker.

Blair Bunting is a very talented photographer who mixes incredible photographic technique and lighting with his amazing photo manipulation skills.

And while these photos may not be as "authentic" as that film photographer's picture of a dude sitting on a truck...

I can assure you no laziness was involved in Blair's process.

Also, I really didn't want to bring up disability. But it is really difficult for me to do the physical process of photography. Sometimes I do not have the energy to get the perfect "in camera" exposure. Sometimes I won't even check my settings and I will snap a picture knowing that I can make it cool with editing. I just look at the histogram, make sure the data I need is there, and do the rest on my computer.

During my adventure to photograph a bridge in Alton, I was only able to take 6 photos. Usually I will take hundreds in a session. My fatigue got the better of me and I nearly had to go to the hospital after walking up a hill. (I was having a bad day. I'm better now.) I didn't get the photos I wanted to get. And on the way down that hill, as I was out of breath, I pulled out my phone and tried to snap a pic of something cool I saw in front of me. The phone had been set 2 stops underexposed from a previous shot and so the picture was pretty much all in shadow. And because I was walking super slow, I had just missed the sun over the horizon.

But it's a RAW file. And I knew I could probably do something with it. I could "fix it in post." Not because I was being lazy. Mostly because I was trying not to hyperventilate. Apparently, my body can't handle slight inclines any longer.

And this is what I came up with.

I'm not saying this is an amazing photo. And it would have been really cool if I hadn't missed the sun. But this is what my eyes saw as I came down the hill and I was able to recreate that with digital tools.

I think that is pretty cool.

[x-liv25-jamieswife]

Xan you pls so some nash sad headcanons?

of course<3. may be shorter than my other sad hcs cause i'm currently sick. i might make some more when i feel better. small, small trigger warning for suicidal thoughts, self harm, and tobias hawthorne. hope you enjoy!

he's obviously extremely protective of his brothers. so much that, when skye or tobias got mad at one of them, nash would convince them it was his fault so they wouldn't hurt his brothers' feelings

this is less of a head canon cause he mentioned this in tbh, but nash is convinced that everyone will someday leave him, and that he'll end up alone.

although tobias and skye hurt him a lot (verbally, they didn't hit him obviously), he had to pretend he was fine all of the time for his brothers. they thought he was a disappointment because he didn't act like a 'real' hawthorne. he didn't tell anyone.

the pressure he puts on himself sometimes becomes too much. so much that he's considered ending his life by jumping off of a bridge/overdosing on smth.

high school was extremely tough for him but no one knew. he felt like he had the world on his shoulders and couldn't speak to anyone about it. his grades would start going down (mind you, they were still great), and tobias would get mad at him. he'd try extra hard to succeed, and he did, but at the cost of his mental health

the reason why he has a savior complex is bc he wishes he could've saved his brothers from everything that tobias did to them. it became even worse after emily. he thinks it was his responsibility to warn them and help them. he know thinks he has to save everyone to make up for it.

nash thinks of himself as a complete failure. so much that sometimes simply looking in the mirror makes him cry.

this one will sound corny but he saves everyone but himself (he doesn't think he deserves to feel better)

he puts everyone's needs in front of his own. he sometimes doesn't eat, sleep, etc just to help his family. (he ended up in the hospital once cause he passed out due to malnutrition)

when nash was younger, he wanted his father in his life so badly he would go beg tobias to tell him his name. he wanted someone who would be there for him bc no one else was.

he used to think there was smth wrong with him bc he wasn't like his other brothers. at the same time, he knew it was partly bc he knew how messed up his grandfather was, but he still wished he could be like the others/accepted.

tobias used to tell him that he was extremely disappointed in him all the time. tobias wanted him to take care of more than he could take. tobias didn't actually care if it took everything out of nash, he just didn't want to take care of everyone else himself.

tobias used to hear him cry at night but didn't do shit to help him. he thought that nash had to toughen up (he was like 13)

nash doesn't like letting other people do things for him bc it makes him hate himself even more. he feels bad when people take on what he thinks is his responsibility. at the same time, it makes him cry cause it makes him feel loved.

he gets mad at himself bc he thinks he's overreacting all the time. he tells himself other people have it worse and that he has no right to complain when he has such a good life.

in high school, he was actually in some pretty sketchy friend group. they took drugs and stuff and got him into it. nash never got addicted, but he now takes drugs when everything becomes too much for him.

in my jamie head canons, i said that he hits punching bags until his hands start bleeding (and even that doesn't stop him sometimes). i think the same goes for nash. he wouldn't self harm in a way that made it obvious to himself that he was harming himself. he'd do it in 'subtle' ways that he could convince himself weren't self harm.

his hands are really messed up for multiple reasons. the boxing and the fact that whenever something goes wrong, he bites his nails and the skin around them.

(idk if this one is even possible, but i'm on the verge of falling asleep and want to finish this) when he fails to save someone, he'll stuff his head in a pillow/in his cowboy hat to cut off oxygen. it kind of brings him back to the present when he starts spiraling.

he has really bad anxiety and actually takes pills to deal with it. all of his responsibilities and stuff weigh him down a lot.

he does so much for others that when he got together with libby and she started doing things for him, he'd actually cry. she'd make him breakfast and he'd tell her it was too much.

he used to have trichotillomania (mental health condition that involves irresistible urges to pull out hair from your scalp, eyebrows, or other areas of your body). over time he got better, but sometimes it comes back when his anxiety is really bad.

he used to make his mom drawings and gifts in hope of getting her attention (she never cared). he used to think it was because his drawings weren't good enough, so he'd try again and again until he realized he was the problem.

nash personally blames himself for all of the pain tobias caused people (like lyra and stuff). for some reason, he thinks he should've stopped him somehow even though that's impossible.

he used to come home really scraped up because he'd get into fights for his brothers whenever someone was mean to them or hurt them. he has some permanent scars on his body bc of the fights, but he still thinks he should've done more.

whenever nash does something he deems 'wrong' he hears tobias' voice in his head telling him he's a failure.

a happy nash head canon to finish this off:

nash, as a kid, loved ducks. he would head to ponds to feed them, and he owned like 294810 books on ducks. he had tiny duck figurines in his bedroom (and still does). he used to make short videos about them and his little trips to the pond with his camera.

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #avery grambs #nash hawthorne #xander hawthorne #libby grambs

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

i think i'd kill for anything related to don henry tomasino

ANON I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU ENDLESSLY !! thank you so much for this request i love don Henry au so much........😭💔💔💔

anyway! here's random sketches:

and Henry on Vinci's funeral bc i was thinking about it last week. in my head. in my head Vinci was the one who established Henry as the don.. and there's possibility that Vinci & Henry are relatives so yeahhhhhhh. his death would be kinda personal thing to Henry? not super emotional and tragic thing tho, but still

post anything related to don!Henry feels like undressing in public ngl

#idk for some reason im super afraid to share any of my ideas abt don!henry #i thought about this au a lot and i think that it's ooc at it's core and i'm just projecting my own ambitions onto the poor man 😭 #BUT i still think the idea makes sense #< i think Clemente was gonna make Henry a capo after Luca died #and then Clemente was killed n Henry s like what the fuck guys #like this man literally grew up in made man's family #and i hc that most of his brothers were gangsters too #so i believe he subconsciously wants to be more than just a soldier (pride of course it's about pride) #maybe someday there'll be fic💀 #(ending is kinda sad tho. for now) #but im working on other m2 thing rn anyway i hope i'll finish it #henry tomasino #mafia 2 #avart

[moondustocean]

If Hawke had been the Inquisitor, would your romance option for them have changed?

#Or would they have had two different LIs? #I'm very curious about this #I didn't get an answer on twitter so I'm hoping someone will humor me here c: #Dragon Age #DAI #dragon age inquisition #Hawke #btw my Hawke and their LI someday break up in my hc because I don't see them staying together long term #they both were lonely and somewhat friends and one lead to another yet in the end they're just too different #and see life from completely opposite perspectives #so I think my Hawke would've romanced Cullen in DAI

[solvicrafts]

I honestly don't know what it is about him, but I just have such a soft spot for Vhaeraun.

I am an absolute sucker for a deity that is morally gray at best but is otherwise really attentive towards their worshipers. It's like... the #1 way to my heart lol

#vhaeraun #I was thinking about him 'cause I ended up making that fandragon on FR based off of him #I hope someday we get some good Vhaeraun rep in the novels #'cause OOF I tried re-reading Liriel's books last year and uhhhh... that's all I have to say there #wotsq did a better job at least compared to the Eilistraeeans #and apparently Vhaeraun's chilled a bit since he returned and the whole masked lady thing happened? can't remember where I heard that #so maybe I'm wrong #either way he's a cool concept for a fantasy deity... he and his sister could just benefit from some writing from people who actually #understand polytheistic religions and cultures and know wtf they're doing

[hatake]

something that really sucks about prolonged loneliness is feeling so desperate for emotional intimacy and then also so closed off to it because you're used to the isolation. it's an exhausting circular pattern and i hate it.

#eh.txt #i feel like i keep saying i'm having a hard week #and the truth is i've just been having such a hard time since the end of last summer #i really just feel so broken down and vulnerable and alone and just tired from that #i hope someday i can feel genuine love and support and safety #bc right now all of that is just so far away from me and i just have to cry about it before bed all the time #anyway #big hugs to anyone else feeling that i wish we were close in distance so we could support each other #it's so hard

[mysterywheeze]

If you've ever struggled with suicidal ideation, this has likely been a particularly difficult week. It certainly has been for me. I've lost a lot of trust in a lot of people. I hope this post doesn't make anyone lose trust in me.

You need to live. That means you, the person reading this post. I don't know your name or your situation but I know, with the same certainty that I know that the Earth is turning, that you need to live.

I know that it can be hard, crushingly hard. I know what it's like to feel so empty that getting out of bed seems impossible, or so overwhelmed that drastic action seems like the only way out.

It isn't. Death is not the answer. It sure as fuck isn't praxis. Please, please do not let anyone convince you otherwise. If you think that your death will have a net positive effect on the world, I promise you, as someone who has been there before, it won't.

And while I encourage you to do what you can to try and make the world a better place - donate to charity, pick up litter, volunteer your time, write your representatives, et cetera - I want to make it clear that those aren't requirements you need to meet to justify being alive. Your life has value, inherently.

Today things may be terrible. They may stay terrible for a while. But one day, a song will get stuck in your head that makes you feel something again. You'll meet a dog that loves you unconditionally. You'll eat a meal that tastes like it was cooked by an angel. You'll pick up a new hobby, perhaps without even realizing it, and it will bring you some sense of satisfaction. You'll watch a beautiful movie. You'll walk past a beautiful mural. Someone will compliment your outfit, someone will laugh at your joke, someone will tell you they're happy to spend time with you. One day you will wake up early enough to see the sun rise.

It's a cliche to say "it will get better". That's because it's true. It probably won't be a linear upward trend, rarely do things stay better forever, but there will come a time when you'll be glad you stayed alive. I promise.

#cw suicide #and uh. it's been a while since i last posted. i feel like i owe y'all a Life Update #so much has changed in my life - for better and worse - over the past two years #i have a degree and a (freelance) job and new friends. i have been through extreme stress and been taken advantage of because of it #there are a lot of things in my personal life that i wish were better. lowest points are not easy to recover from. #but at the end of the day i think it's a good thing that i'm still alive. #sidenote: this isn't the grand return of this blog or whatever. i haven't been keeping up with watcher content since early 2022 #i still love the boys it's just been a wild ride out here in meatspace #i hope to make a proper return to the fandom someday. right now a certain hat simulator has an iron grip on my brain #it's funny how a game i was barely familiar with just half a year ago has ended up helping me deal with extreme stress. #the very specific type of joy it brings me is not something i ever saw coming. i am so glad i'm here to feel it now.

[fluffs-n-stuffs]

/my god y'all this is gonna be one of the most inconsistently drawn updates yet with how my meds' sedation affected me between panels (the left being from last week's attempts skjdfnsds 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️)

I'll still need a bit more time, but I think we're Slowly getting back there in terms of my art's momentum huhuu 🙏✨

#fluff speaks !!! #wip #the right one I just got done today and I'm honestly happy with considering how awful I've been feeling the past few days :'} #definitely won't get these in time for pokemon day like I hoped buuut I wanna prioritize my physical/mental health of course #so I'll take this slowly and steadily as I can (even with how wildly inconsistent it is currently skdjfsndfs trust me y'all will See it) #I've honestly been........ feeling really down recently - not just with my art- but as a whole since- yknow the whole mental condition thin #it's still a lot for me to grapple with and it's---hard- knowing how non-linear this healing process is #one moment I'm riding on a manic high and the other I'm crashing down #but I'm still standing at the end of the day- I think that's what matters #I just hope it gets easer someday #anyways akjsdnasnd my sad rambles aside have some Mortys because he is the comfort character Ever #forgive me love you're gonna be insanely inconsistent this next update #Destiny Bond comicverse #gym leader morty #morty pokemon #pokemon #pokemon gsc

[burinazar]

It's a bit funny that to parts of my circles I'm 'the fandom one'/'the fanfic one'/'the shipping one' as the person they know most prominently into such things

because as much as i love writing my fics and shipping my ships my interest in both of those things is, I think, very narrow and specific compared to most people who are into them? due to my habits being like. very particular

#i think some ppl think of me as ahh my buddy who is always reading fanfic and i'm like. look. i would LIKE to be that. but i'm not #it's comically difficult to get me to sit down and read a new fanfic. for no discernable reason #the fandoms i like to read for don't even have big fic scenes but i've still checked out such a narrow portion of them #(and these fandoms are like. just a few. leaving aside MiA's dead tag. LOGH + T&B + Vorkosigan + ...anything else here would be a lie) #(Queen's Thief + Temeraire + TMA are on the backburner rn for reading fic but they were faves before yet i read SO little of what existed) #(everything else i just check out very occasionally or when directly recc'd) #i think mmmaaaybe 'my buddy who reads tons of fic' would be the case if there were new fics about the sages coming out every day #they're sort of a unique hyperfixation for me lol #but there are NOT. instead there are ((checks)) #four (4) english language belavue fics on AO3 that are not by me #AND two of them i would say do not actually have any ship content and were likely just tagged that to be safe #as far as non ship content there are ((checks again)) 21 English language fics tagged with Belaf and I wrote 13 of them ........ #(and 17 for Vueko and i wrote 10. two of the others barely mention her and shouldn’t be tagged lol) …guys i'm starving............ #ok you read to the bottom of the tags you get to hear a selfish wish #i kind of hope that someday...someone will...write some fic about the sages either because of me or for me #gen or ship it doesnt matter #but this kind of thing usually happens in AO3 exchanges though and there aren't ones in this fandom because the fic scene is so miniscule #i'm literally running one right now off AO3 but have a feeling it will end up being mostly art and also didn't put myself in as a requester #since the people participating have largely made stuff for me as gifts before and i have a glut of lovely work from them #and again that exchange will mostly end up being art i feel and not fic. but some other time... i still wish ... more fic... pleae..plaeabs #there are very specific reasons i don't want to host an MiA fic exchange through AO3. i can guess the kind of stuff some people will reques #(the kind of stuff that's already in the tag.) and it's not stuff i feel like moderating an exchange involving >_> so i won't #but god.. ... ..... someday......i hope....there can be an exchange where i ask for somethinga bout these people.............

[sysig]

Tainted batch (Patreon)

#Doodles #Just Desserts #Villainsona #Fine nevermind >:( #It's so weird to be posting vent-adjacent stuff while I'm doing so well currently haha #I started this months ago and have significantly improved my mood since then pfft ♪ I'd hope! #There wasn't anything specific at the time anyway just a thought circling around that I figured Charm would be more affected by #Considering most things for her are heightened in comparison haha <3 She'll get therapy someday #She also deals a lot in sublimation through art! And sometimes that means literally taking the materials and using them elsewhere #Honestly it's pretty cool that she can reconstitute her art :0 Drawing is a little different haha #I hadn't realized it'd been as long as it's been since I last drew Cirrus :0 #Oh yeah Cherry Shortcake actually has a first name now lol #A few residents do! If you remember my mention of Aria from a while back - Marshmallow Fluff - I think those are the current three? #Still haven't really pinned down a naming convention haha...I've been thinking about three-letter last names for what feels like forever now #She was also an early contender for Digitally Rendered Resident huh... I could at least stand to name the others that have gotten that lol #So many things I wanna do with her - really want to finish her Biased Narrator fic sometime just dunno how to end it hrmngh #Anyway lol she gets a one-panel cameo and takes over the post pft no! Charm time! #Evil Time Charm time - kicked up her pulse as soon as she remembered #She kinda sorta remembers what happened but more than that remembers the Emotions - feeling Laughed At #And clearly it's [this specific thing]'s fault that she feels foolish! Avoid [this specific thing] and never feel foolish again Guaranteed!* #*Not actually even remotely close to a guarantee lol instead she's just avoiding something that at one point made her feel good #So easy to turn a positive memory into a negative one with just a change of framing huh? #I can't think of anyone in her life who would exploit that fun little feature in her outlook not even one!

[ontargetmadders]

Ugh there's literally not enough space to say what I really want to say here 😭 All I could say was that the show always makes me laugh non-stop and always cheers me up no matter what 🥺 I literally forget I have depression when it's on and I'm going to miss the feeling it gives me 😔

#one last hurrah tomorrow and thewn that's it :/ #i'm holding out hope it will return again someday #but i'm telling myself it's the last ever one just so it doesn't hurt so bad if they announce it's cancellation for good #saturday night takeaway #ant and dec #my boys #i always assumed this show would last forever #but all good things must come to an end i guess

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[laurelindebear]

Why don't I know anything??

I just don't know enough, do I. I keep trying to write about things I just don't know or understand and it's ridiculous. I'll never be able to research and learn enough and still finish anything. If I'm actually going to do this, it has to be something I have some expertise in, which would be a lot easier if I weren't a goddamned flighty dilettante who can't commit. I'd have that damn PhD I always wanted if I could, wouldn't I?

I mean I can write about depression and anxiety and religious trauma and self-loathing but I don't even wanna read that, let alone write a story about it. I know shockingly little about the place where I live and I'm not sure I care enough to learn. If I ever knew anything about the place I grew up, that place is gone now. (Chrissie Hynde would know what I mean, I guess, except at this rate I'll never go back....)

I was actually writing a little again for the first time in weeks and now one stupid little metaphor comparison has tanked me. (Well, and a fresh reminder that anything I can do, someone else can do better.)

Fuckity.

#personal #writing #why are you so loud little voice #I guess because you're right #I know I'm supposed to fight you but sometimes you're not wrong #if Socrates was right about anything then I guess I'm a goddamn guru #for all the good that will do me (none) #pull your shit together woman #just write whatever and maybe you can use some of it in something else someday #why can't I just learn how to get drunk and high like a normal person? #why do I have to be self-aware every goddamn second of my existence? #honestly was tempted to try cannabis gummies in NY because maybe I'd have a minute's peace from my brain #but I knew it wouldn't work and I'd end up having some kinda hyper paranoia trip or something instead #all I can do is take my chances with sleep and hope to avoid the nightmares #oh shut up me

[starheirxero]

what are some major events that happened in your lord eclipse au? and do ones similar to canon like old moon sending him a wither storm go differently?

is there special events that eclipse, Sun, or that one of the followers made around him? does he have activities he likes to do in general?

OH MAN. I'm gunna be honest, I'm actually not entirely sure about the first question?? The timeline/canon I have is very loose and changes from scenario to scenario, but I suppose a few events that are pretty consistent are "The Centipede-ening", Eclipse's fall from grace (isolation from his followers due to boredom) with unwavering loyalty happening somewhere around that time period, Moon n Lunar show up... and then i Guess they release the wither storm?? Though, I do like to replace the wither storm with something that isn't. The Minecraft Story Mode Wither Storm LMAOSJWLDK

After that, though, I usually divide into two different outcomes from there and either go "Sunvant dies and slowly heals in the afterlife with his Moon, Lunar, and Bloodmoon" or "Moon and Lunar takes Sunvant back home with them and he slowly heals in the main tsams universe." Both are varying levels of angsty and bittersweet so he has to endure Healing Horrors no matter what LMAO

ALSO YES ‼️ I actually started making a small list of events/important days for Lord Eclipse's world (before getting distracted so there's only one date on it LMAO 😭) but I imagine that some days were sort of... pre-installed?? by Eclipse, like his primary day of worship (which is June 1st bc that's when he first started existing!), but some events may be entirely made by the rest of the followers! I just. dunno what those events would be yet LOL. I could also absolutely see Sun making his own personal special days that revolve around Lord Eclipse just so he feels like he's especially faithful tbh!

#asks #anon #lord eclipse au #I HOPE THIS SUFFICES LOL 😭 #there's several more ideas i have that are either just... too small to mention or i'm just unsure if i actually wanna implement it #like monty saying something to sun that he—as sunvant—havent ever told monty and he's like #what? why do you know that about me? #and monty's like ah. uhm. just... forget i ever said anything. #sun asking lord eclipse if he'd ever get his own stained glass window someday—'you know. since you've appointed me as your servant?' #and lord eclipse immediately shuts down the idea with a guilt trippy 'why would you want such a thing? you'd take attention away from me.- #-do you want to make people forget who they're supposed to be worshipping here?' #OH OH #IVE ALSO THOUGHT ABT THE IDEA OF THERE BEING A GROUP OF DISSENTERS THAT WANT TO DETHRONE LORD ECLIPSE AND SUN ENDS UP JOINING THEM SOMEHOW #i have never thought of a single good ending for that idea tho LMAOOO 😭 #it always ends with Sun cowering under the furious gaze of Eclipse while surrounded by the bodies of all the people who had been involved #POINT IS: THERE'S SEVERAL THINGS I ENTERTAIN THAT I DONT RLLY TALK ABT BC. SHRIG #MY OWN SELF INDULGENCE COMES FIRST WITH THIS AU I WONT EVEN LIE SORRYSJSHSJFN #centiclipse #sunvant

[snowfea]

Before my parents left for three years, leaving me alone in France when I had just turned eighteen, I felt like they didn't listen to me, didn't really understand when I told them I was in pain (which, also, if the pain was there before they left, that is chronic pain indeed).

Tonight my mom cleaned my kitchen for me, because at lunch I told her I wanted to do it, needed to do it, but physically couldn't, as my hands, back, legs, and everything, were acting up.

She just started doing it without saying a word, just asking if I had more dishsoap.

#Belette's life #Belette life's with chronic pain #I just #we were out this afternoon #buying stuff #she bought the books that I had planned to buy btw #I love my mom #and when my parents couldn't decide what to do next and they turned to me and asked me what I wanted to do #She replied to my desperate 'I don't care as long as I'm sitting down' with a smooth 'Alright. we're going back to that café we saw #And I heard my dad defending me when my grandma said i don't know what #On the bus there my mom asked me when my appointment with the pain center was #18 janvier btw #so soon #I'm hoping nothing and at the same time everything #So I'm hoping nothing that way I'm not disappointed #anyway! #the journey towards fully accepting my disability - I even have problems calling it that; but to understand why i'll need more therapy- #The journey is long but I'm hoping to see the end of it someday #Time to check the rights of disabled people in Switzerland I guess #To know if I'll declare myself or live incognito #hehehe it sounds so cool #even though it would literally be me hiding my disability because the disadvantages outweight the few things I'd gain from it being officia #though it being official would help with the fucking imposter syndrom I have #ANYWAY