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wisteria-lodge · 3 years

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burnt lion secondary (unhealthy courtier badger model & healthy bird model)

Hello, I really like your blog, especially your real people sortings. I also really liked your ACD Sherlock sorting. ( I only recently got into ACD Sherlock but Watson’s sorting makes so much sense, idk how I didn’t consider double Lion sooner. XD)

Anyways, I’ve been having some issues with my secondary lately and I was wondering if you could please help? Only if you want to of course.

… this is going to be another burnt secondary, isn’t it?

I’ve almost always modeled Bird. I like collecting random info, and I like plans, they keep me organized. I also have anxiety and having planned through the whole thing helps. The secondary of most of the characters I have loved over the years has been Bird (probably because they fit the “smart” stereotype).

Sounds like a model to me, a tool that you’ve built yourself.

I’m blunt for sure. That may be a result of having a super blunt mom though. It was in a “I’m going to be brutally honest with you because you need to know how the world works,” kind of way. The community I was raised in also kind of values being super honest. To the point where it’s just rude sometimes. So that may have affected my methods too.

As a kid I was always expected to get good grades and stay out of trouble so I was very quiet and hardworking. If I am a Badger, I’m only a Bookkeeper Badger. I really don’t like having to use courtier Badger. It’s kind of what I was expected to use as a kid: “You’re the oldest, you have to take care of everyone else. You have to be a good example. You can’t argue with —–.” “You’re a girl, you can’t do that.” bullsh *t. And it just never felt like me.

Those are some pretty brutal examples.

I don’t think you were raised in a community that values honesty. I think you were raised in a community that values a strict Badger flavored performance, with an emphasis on deference to authority. But you value authenticity.

Honestly labeling myself as hardworking makes me uncomfortable lol. Because I’m really not. I’ve always felt like I don’t put in as much work as other people do and I’m not trying hard enough.

Whatever your secondary is, it’s Burnt. The hints of imposter syndrome are making me think Burnt Improvisational secondary rather than Burnt Built secondary.

So if I’m a Badger, I really don’t like having to use Courtier Badger simply because that’s what was expected and I’m done trying to fit anyone’s expectations.

I’m starting to think Lion for you.

I wouldn’t say I’m meticulous, I have nothing against baking mixes lol, and (probably) most importantly I don’t enjoy hard work. Why anyone would is a little confusing sometimes tbh. Then again, what constitutes as work? If you’re putting time into something you enjoy/find interesting it’s not work. It’s having fun.

There is a third category that I’m going to call consensual work that, unfortunately, does not really seem to be part of your world. But I’m going to agree with you. That’s not a Badger answer.

I’m pretty bad at improvising because I flounder and I don’t know what to do or say.

You don’t use very nice language when you talk about yourself, you know that?

I feel like I almost chose to use Lion and it’s not something that was always just there. I learned that lying doesn’t work, and honesty is the best policy. I couldn’t live up to people’s expectations, I decided to always just be myself.

Well, we know you’ve been wearing a kind of heavy Badger model for a long time. And underneath it… I mean “be myself” is the Lion catchphrase.

I was pretty confident Snake secondary wasn’t even a contestor but lately I’ve realized I’m more Snake than I thought lol. There was a post discussing Snake secondaries and “twisting the truth to your benefit, ” that started in @missbrunettebarbie ’s blog. @mooglesorts said some things that really made snake secondary easier to understand and relate to. I have twisted the truth to my benefit fairly often. Whenever I need to lie I’ll use that or just tell the truth and omit details. The main person who usually sees through it has always been my mom lol.

Hmm. That does sound like the way Lions tend to lie… and you’re not a very good liar, you say?

I also will definitely play up certain aspects of my personality just to be more likeable.

That can also be a Courtier Badger thing… and we know you modeled that.

Like I didnt want my friends to think I was stuck up in middle and high school, so I would play up how clumsy I was and how bad I was at lying.

I’d love to know why specifically why seeming “stuck up” bothered you so much. Did you not want your friends thinking you were inauthentic (Lion) or did you not want you friends thinking you were putting on airs? (Badger.)

(That could have just been me turning the volume up like Lions do maybe?)

Definitely could be.

All I know currently is that the secondary I want to be is Lion. Basically when I’m comfortable I’m loud and honest and direct and me and I feel free but otherwise I’m quiet and mostly insecure. Isn’t that everyone though?

No. (That’s the description of a semi-Burnt Lion secondary.)

I think that if I am a Snake I like to be in neutral

… you mean like a Lion?

and use shifting when I’m just uncomfortable or desperate.

… you mean like when you’re forced to use the Courtier Badger model you dislike?

I think my secondary may also be a bit burnt because I went through a period recently where all I wanted to do was escape and not actually solve problems, and while I’m better it’s probably still affecting my secondary to some degree.

Yep.

This ask is looking to be more and more Snake as i write, but I guess someone else reading this may have a different view.

YEP. (Are you getting any Snake, Snake secondaries who happen to be reading this?)

Thank you so much for reading this mess of words.

I am so sorry about this. I know I already sent in a long-ass ask the other day, but I’ve been stressing over the bit about me not liking to use Courtier Badger. I really meant no offense. I think a nicer way to have put it would have just been that I don’t like using Courtier Badger because of bad experiences associated with it and I admire people who can use it. Please forgive me for being biased and hurtful. I also think I sounded misogynistic. Ignore my dumbass if I’m being weird tho..

… did you just send me a Courtier Badger-flavored follow up, explaining why you don’t like using Courtier Badger?

(And seriously, enough with the negative self-talk)

#sortinghatchats #sortme #wisteria sorts #lion secondary #badger secondary model #courtier badger #submission

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autisticchicc · 3 years

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Autism and Love

TW: Mentions of physical and emotional abuse, drug-related metaphor

Love and obsession, for me, are separated by a very thin line. Even if I weren’t autistic, I know I would still love fiercely, but I also know that autism has a profound effect on the way that I feel and express love.

In my life there have been numerous occasions where I thought I was in love, and I often still debate with myself about whether I have ever been ‘in love’. Nowadays I tend to take the view that love is something very personal, and just because it doesn’t last doesn’t make it any less valid. Being someone who is still on good or even great terms with all of my ex partners, I’d say I absolutely loved them at one point in my life. Maybe I still do love them, but I live a strictly categorised life. That love is now a purely a platonic love that comes from knowing and trusting someone for a long time. That ability to categorise so strictly is something some of my exes have had a hard time coming to terms with, I am quick to move them into the platonic love category and keep them there. Once someone has been placed in the platonic category, they do not leave. I don’t get back with ex-partners, and I don’t actually think its possible due to that strict categorisation.

My very first boyfriend sent me a message the other day asking if I ever still think about him. I replied honestly and said that I do not. I think that this comes from the strict categorisation too. If you are my friend, I think about you, but not that often. I have a lot of things happening in my head at all times, a sensory cornucopia that is exhausting to sort through, a conscious stream of five or six trains of thought, and my special interests. Special interests are a really intriguing factor in the context of autistic love, because I believe that the intense focus and adoration we treat our interests with absolutely translates to the people we fall in love with.

Anyone who has been close friends with me while in a relationship knows how insufferable I am when I love someone. I talk about them at any given opportunity, for longer than the other person probably cares to hear about it at times. When I love someone, they become a source of great inspiration, I find the characters I write resembling them, I could spend hours editing pictures and videos of them, my artwork is littered with their image. Love, for me, is an all-encapsulating thing. It invades every aspect of my life, consciously or subconsciously. They become the most beautiful person in my eyes, I drink in their image as though dehydrated. Curiously, even things I perhaps did not like about them before suddenly become things I look at fondly. Something about that shift from like to love, it is a very powerful shift for me.

Ironically, I’m not very forthright with my expressions of love. After mulling it over for years, I’ve realised that I’ve been conditioned to believe that love and pain go hand in hand. When you love someone, you must expect them to hurt you. At least, that’s what I thought until I deconstructed why I thought that. I had become accustomed to people weaponising my love for them, using it to blackmail me emotionally or to excuse physical abuse. As such, although I feel so deeply for the people I love, I am always very anxious about showing it in ways that can be used against me. I don’t show them the story or the art that I created inspired by them, for fear that they might think me obsessed for spending so much time on something pertaining to them.

I get very embarrassed when performing acts of service for my partners. I enjoy tidying and cleaning a lot, and I often want to do it for my partners to make their lives easier, but I get scared that they will think I’m being subservient and that they can take advantage of me. When I see my partner enjoying something or fostering a talent, I desperately want to invest in it, buy them tools and find resources so that they can develop it further, but am scared that they will think me strange and over-enthusiastic. I’m the kind of partner that loves extremely hard, and wants to express it as such, but I cannot quite get over the shame.

I have only recently been able to engage in non-sexual physical touch without flinching. Learning that touch is your love language when you have been shying away from it for years is a strange thing. It almost feels like a betrayal of sorts. Why was I denied this thing that I love for so long? And the reality is, it was a part of that fear. I have to be vulnerable with someone in order to allow them to touch me. Vulnerability has never come easily for me, although I always desperately wanted it. Finding someone that I can entangle limbs with, that I can kiss and hug on a whim, that I can show physical affection in my ‘weird’ autistic ways with has been very therapeutic for me. For the first time, I feel like I can have vulnerability and touch without it being thrown back in my face. It feels desired and reciprocated, not only do I want to touch and hold this person, but they want to touch and hold me too.

Another lesson within that has been ensuring that while I maintain my tough, outer visage, I am honest about needing to be soft and fragile sometimes. I have always been forced into being strong and resilient, it was never a conscious choice that I made for myself. I was forever pushed to be strong for other people, constantly making sure that those that needed me didn’t have to see me struggling or breaking under pressure. I never had someone I felt I could truly cry in front of, ugly, drunken sobbing type of crying. At least not without feeling judged or treated like a flight risk. Having someone I can be unapologetically sad in front of and they don’t force me to be strong for their own comfort feels so alien to me, but the relief it fills me with is immense. I am no longer pretending, and I am no longer embarrassed to be fragile. I can break down in front of this person and they will never question my strength.

While crying and vulnerability are certainly an obvious hurdle for plenty of people in relationships, for autistic people there is the added stress of getting used to unmasking in front of a partner. I didn’t get diagnosed for a very long time, which will tell you just how good I am at masking. As a Hispanic girl, a lot of my behaviours weren’t reprimanded too much. Being loud and aggressive is normal in Spanish culture, and oftentimes isn’t even interpreted as aggression the way it is in the UK. Conversely, I did terribly with the tactile nature of social interaction in Spain and among Hispanics. I didn’t want to kiss strangers or even family members on both cheeks, I didn’t like having my cheeks squeezed by old women, and I didn’t like people touching, grabbing, or shaking me. But I was unfortunately forced to do it for my own survival. I don’t know if the sentiments around disabilities have changed in Spain, but the way I remember it in the part I grew up in was that they weren’t talked about. I didn’t even know what disabilities were until I came to the UK.

In England, pretty much every aspect of my behaviour was reprimanded; my loudness, my ‘aggression’, my opinionated disposition, my lack of a filter, my inability to understand my classmates’ feelings… The list goes on and on. At a certain point, I learned to just hold in a lot of my personality until I got home. What I didn’t realise that I was actually holding in some instinctive behaviours in privacy as well, I would flinch and stop if I noticed myself stimming, my face would go red when I couldn’t verbalise properly, and I often found myself practicing facial expressions in the bathroom mirror because I was self-conscious that I wasn’t doing them ‘correctly’. I started my own personal journey so to speak about a year ago to completely unmask, alone. I still cringe when I catch my arms pulling up into ‘t-rex’ form or if I start verbally/physically stimming, but I’m slowly becoming less ashamed of myself.

Consequently, unmasking in front of someone else has been incredibly nerve-wracking. The ‘issue’ (I say issue but it’s quite the opposite) is that I’m so comfortable in my partner’s home that I unmask without even realising it. Something I’ve noticed however, is that half the time they don’t. When my fingers twist and rub against each other, I glance up nervously to see if I’m being watched. No one has even glanced at me. I stammer and mess up my sentence, or my mouth fails halfway through, and yet even then no one laughs or looks at me strangely, they just wait for me to rectify or finish the sentence. I wonder if part of me still thinks I’m under the ultra-critical gaze of my secondary school peers, expecting to be torn to shreds verbally over my quirks as I always was, but it never happens. I have to constantly remind myself that I am well liked here, and my quirks are something people are fond of now.

Overall, love as an autistic person is intense and difficult, but an experience that is so all-consuming it feels almost like you’re on some kind of drug. I’m a very logical, science-based person, but love is one of the few things that still feels remotely magical to me. It can draw me out of my cold, black and white world and into an illogical whirlpool of emotion. I rarely act on emotion alone, but love is something that certainly has the power to make me do so. It embarrasses me a lot, it makes me feel out my depth, it makes me behave in ways I normally wouldn’t, but I’ll endure those feelings any day for the reward. I still have a long way to go before I can properly express myself to a partner, but one day I’d really like to be able to show them all my projects inspired by them, and the true level of sappiness I’m capable of (lol).

#autism #asd #aspergers #autism and love #asd and love #love #disability #disability and love #aspiegirl #neurodivergent #neurotypical #neurodiverse #autistic #autism spectrum #autism awareness #autism and relationships

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beblebumm · 4 years

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lesbian mom

My sister told me I dress like a lesbian mom. With no offense meant towards lesbian mothers because as Chloe put it- if I was a lesbian mom, my style would be closer to cool. But because up to this point in life I have been straight and childless, I’m just an appropriator. Which I definitely don’t want to be by the way, but I'm an American and blind appropriation is the American way. Working on it. I’m in the kitchen in Cedar Falls finding all my last sporadic, traveled with items to shove in my XL backpack* by the time Chloe brings her new opinion up to her roommates, my family. “Cathy, don’t you think Maddie looks like a lesbian mom?” “a what? A lesbian? I didn’t hear you” ...and dad’s reaction: “oh.. did you get a surrogate then?” * (United and Frontier front like they will be strict about charging you based on the sizes of your luggage, but they won't be. Apparently my size of backpack does not count as a personal item (free) but instead a carry-on (not free). It's a glutinous excuse for a backpack. However, they don’t say shit to you when you show up on the day of your flight. In the words of my friend Grace: If it's on your back and not on wheels, you're fine. I have had to repack a backpack once, throwing on a sweatshirt and carrying socks in my hand to make it through. But you know what that was? Free.And Fyi- U.S. airlines alone made 5.1 billion bucks in extra baggage fees in 2018. Don't contribute to that mess.) * But anyways, to come to the defense of lesbian moms, I think I dress with the best intention. I don’t think I have bad taste, but I can have bad execution. It's not entirely my fault though, as I feel bigger boobs make a lot of outfits merge towards mother. Tops are always an issue because you have the possibility of looking tenty, and opposite that- the issue of looking too tucked in. It can make the attempted effortlessness come off as starchy. I also straddle this line of wannabe skater and NOT wannabe school teacher, meaning I would love to come across as someone who deserves to wear Vans and less like someone who is reading to your child over snack time. That one is harder to explain, but has a lot to do with stripes. I don't bother running all of this past her, but I told Chloe that if I was flat-chested she wouldn’t be saying this. She didn’t argue but offered to help pay for my reduction. My dad and I get in the car after I make an everything bagel with some onion flavored cream cheese. A Thomas brand bagel, of course. Because it’s the cushiest and you can find them everywhere. We love a processed carb. He drives me to the airport in his new-but-used Toyota Highlander, which doesn’t reek of cigs like his previous whip. He only likes this new car because it has a cassette player, but the low mileage is a plus. I just want to say that the Cedar Rapids airport is low entertainment. It’s a trade-off because you are through security in seconds, but you have to do things like chase after people to hand them their ID’s they left on the counter to help the employees out because we’re Iowa nice and when in the homeland you have to act right. And people wear really ugly printed leggings and foul footwear. Lots of camo and lots of Hawkeye logos, which I do not identify with despite it being my alma mater. I was caught in a very vulnerable spot with my thick and tall Doc Marten's, (not a good airport shoe but a good everyday shoe so what can you do) hunched over the ‘Get Your Shit Back Together Very Quickly Bench’ that comes after security, when I see this rushed looking, young nerd man in a long black trench coat. He LOUDLY and SO abruptly asks this similarly aged gal he was coming up behind whether her hair was red or blonde. She had long red hair with dyed blonde ends. She said “red?” and he says nothing but “HUMPH” without breaking speed at all. Why did he need to know that and also why could he not see that her hair was both colors? And if he cared so much to know, then why did he not respond? Did he think this was considered to be hitting on her?? Because practically yelling at her to inquire about her appearance is not cutting it. I wish for his sake I could at least call him a boomer but he didn't meet the age requirement. Whatever. She looked around for confirmation that what had just happened to her was so weird, which of course I gave to her by saying: “That was so weird.” The sole restaurant by the gates has Blue Moon so that’s redeeming. But it’s in a tin can which is not so good. I used to prefer a draft pour with an orange slice but I am partial to a cold bottle now, plain- no orange. It’s more consistent this way, as some places don’t clean their draft lines regularly and it shows. I met an icon on my flight today. I, of course, was assigned my usual middle seat as I am certain I paid the littlest amount of airfare out of everyone on the plane. Deals only. But as I step up to my row and make that apologetic eye contact with the dude who is about to have to move and let me assume my usual middle spot, the guy asks me if I want to switch spots with his son- WHO HAS AN AISLE SEAT. YEAH SIR, I DO. And this is how I was seated next to the only stranger I’ve had an extended conversation with on an airplane, ever. At least to the point where I was sure I wanted to be buddies with her. She was not stoked on the middle seat, but it’s the one she had in our row. The icon is named Erin and she said: “I’ve been ignoring people on planes for 20 years but you seem like an absolute riot.” I realized I also tend to spend a lot of time ignoring people on airplanes. I actually spend more time trying not to bother the people around me, aka holding urine in until I am nearly bursting because the awkward fumbling out of my usual middle seat is too much. I did, however, have slight banter with a guy sitting next to me on the way into Iowa from Denver on this same trip. All he wanted to say to me was that he had just been skiing in Vail or something. People love being able to say sentences like this, by the way. "Skiing in Vail". It's supposed to impress whoever they tell. Ok. But later on, he and I would exchange terrified eyes as we watched this awful moment unfold after an older fellow in the row across from us ignored all social rules and played his voicemails on full blast, speaker volume, for about 10 minutes. A young gentleman near us let him know that “We can all hear that!” which I would have never said but was also thinking. Obviously. The Voicemail Blarer says “Oh sorry” calmly but is very caught off guard. I thought- wow. That went well. But the Voicemail Blarer takes all of 30 seconds to stew before erupting. He belly yells that he is a “WAR VETERAN AND THAT IS WHY I CANNOT HEAR OUT OF THIS EAR WHICH IS WHY MY PHONE IS ON SPEAKER AND BY THE WAY IM ON THIS FLIGHT BECAUSE MY MOM JUST DIED AND I AM FLYING BACK TO IOWA FOR THE FUNERAL. PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE AHHHHHHHHH KDFKSJDFLKJDFLJSDF”... I feel like the percentage of people flying to Iowa for funerals is probably a decent chunk. Either you're visiting your family or someone died. Just speculating. ANyways. The Mourning Vet Voicemail Blarer said some pretty harsh remarks towards the Complainer that I can’t remember because I was so nervous as a witness to this that my adrenaline was working overtime to suppress. I remember being proud of The Complainer as he kept very level and only said a couple words to defend himself followed by: “I’m sorry you’re going through that man but we don’t all need to hear your voicemails.” I see both sides of this interaction. On the younger Complainer dude’s side, it’s not socially courteous for the vet to be playing his voicemails out loud. Especially for ten minutes. I mean Larry David would have lost it. On the other hand, no one was insulting his status as a vet or poking fun at his late mother, but he has obviously been through more life and more challenges than I and plus he’s grieving. I don’t know. I didn’t mind the voicemails THAT much. Back to today- Erin is the second stranger I’ve met who inspired me this month. Technically this year, and technically this decade, too. Happy 2020. From what I saw, she’s a kick-ass, take no shit, lay it all on the table kind of individual. She had a natural openness about her and radiated warmness but is the type to probably gaurd herself just enough. The kind of person who you would hate to see sad. Born in cedar rapids, went to Iowa for Journalism, got her masters at Syracuse. Has lived all over- New York, London, LA (I think she said). Will not donate to her old sorority, Chi O, because she can’t affiliate with that anymore because it’s lame. But she’s loyal enough to one of her sorority besties to fly to Denver and sit with her while she undergoes a chemo treatment. She asks me about work and I say I have enough side hustles to equate to having a real job. She tells me I need a podcast and says I must have been told this before. I haven’t. But If I had one, I would have her guest star immedieately. She oozes content. Apparently, there’s such a thing as coaching people on how to talk on camera because this is her job. It can be split up into different categories based on the size of the screen. Phone, computer, TV, etc. She kept saying things about “inches”. I thought this was wildly specific, exactly the sort of job you wouldn’t think about until you thought about it. Niche. Hopefully future me is doing something niche right now. But only if I'm enjoying it. She also mentioned some clients she has that I should speak to so I can learn how to travel the world for free. I could have clung to her and never let go after she said this, as that would make my life and her encouragement inspired me. Before this though, we agree I need a credit card that rewards with airline miles instead of cashback. It’s third up on my “to-do now” list- which is different than my “to-do” list becasue that one is for things like making dentist appointments. For the things that should not be put off but can and will be. Until they can't. She asks what my sign is, which is Sagittarius. She said of course. She’s a Virgo. I have no clue what this means. People ask me this sort of thing a lot now though so I need to read up. This guy I met recently who works at Wax Trax Records told me not only extensively about my sign but about my rising moon and one other part of it that I can’t remember. Or is it your rising sign and moon sign as separates? Idk. He told me that every girl he knows has an ex-boyfriend who is a Pisces. True. Erin also told me she’s on some board in Iowa City that is currently discussing the ped mall. I had a lot to say about THAT, as I feel the ped mall has turned into wasted space other than maybe one and a half shops. She agrees. It’s not being utilized like it should be, we think. Too many frat bars. Apparently, her family owns the Bluebird cafes or used to, and I said "ooooooooh!" but that I could never get a seat in the Iowa City location because every hungover kid within a ten mile radius is trying to eat there every Saturday and Sunday morning. I also thought of the time they burned my friend Madison Wood’s toast and she sent it back. I didn’t tell her this though. I like Bluebird. And I hate when people at my table complain about the food. She tells me I'm too good to write for random freelances, which I have dipped my toes into doing. Pays like shit. I agree and listen to her tell me about someone she met when she was just one year sober (she is now ten years along) who pushed her to take charge of her own point of view. It sounded to me like she was inspired to trust and invest in herself. I liked that. As if I needed another excuse to stay out of corporate America. Right before she fell into meditation and soon to be sleep, Erin comments on my middle part and my “nice natural eyebrows” which is funny because I helped the brows out right before going through security. (By helped out, I mean makeup-ed. In the airport bathroom, too far away from the mirror, two different pencils- one chubby for careless shading and one skinnier to help the endpoints of my brow that is otherwise dead.) On the topic of my appearance, I tell her that my sister had just told me that I dress like a lesbian mother. She said she loves my sister.

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princepriestandpirate · 6 years

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Character Solidifying for Rowan!

god this is so fucking late forgive me, but anyway here u go! answers under the cut

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

oh he loved his dad, and he thinks of him with a lot of love and respect. really, the only thing about his father that was not so great was the amount of time that he spent working, and both rowan and em wished that he had more time to spend with them. at the same time though, if rowan or emilia sought their dad out he’d always try to spend time with them. he was a good guy, and rowan wants to be someone who would make his dad proud & honor his legacy.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have?

his relationship w/ his mother is more complicated, mostly because she died when rowan was very young (she died in childbirth giving birth to emilia, so rowan would have been about 3) so rowan doesn’t remember her well. he maybe thinks of her with a bit of longing, but that’s more about the idea of a mother rather than the woman herself.

3. Brothers, sisters? Who do they like? Why? What do they despise about their siblings?

he has one younger sister, Emilia (3 years younger). he loves his little sister a lot, partially because he was always very attached to the role of being a “big brother” and partially because he and emilia were probably each other’s only playmates as kids? they probably fought sometimes, like siblings do, especially since em always had a lot more energy and rowan just wanted to be left alone sometimes, but at the end of the day she’s one of the most important people to him. he’s very proud of her, even if she is a terrorist probably?

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

it wasn’t very strict at all but i also think he was a pretty good kid who didn’t get into trouble all that often

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

physically yes, mentally not as much? he and em had their own personal guards, and rowan was accompanied by a group of guards + marcus after his family was attacked, so physically he was never in much danger. on the other hand, his father believed in being honest w/ the kids and not trying to hide all the stuff that was going on in the outside world, and after rowan started traveling w/ marcus they didn’t keep their plans from him and let him be involved (probably because rowan would be even more upset if he didn’t know what was going on)

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

all affection. one thing that can be said for his tragic backstory™ is that at least he was always surrounded by people who loved and cared for him

7. What was the economic status of their family?

very rich, they were nobility

8. How does your character feel about religion?

he wasn’t raised in any religion so he has no attachment to any specific religious beliefs, but he believes that gods exist and it’s probably a good idea to stay on their good side (although this is changing a bit now that he’s met a bunch of gods and some of them are dicks *cough* aengus *cough*)

in modern day he’d probably be considered vaguely agnostic

9. What about political beliefs?

very anti-new initiative and pro-hoth (obv). on a more theoretical level, he believes that there should be a government to unify, organize, and protect the people, but it shouldn’t run into totalitarianism and should have input from the people it governs.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?

as a kid, very book smart, which would have continued if it wasn’t for the attack on his home. he ended up having to abandon his studies to some extent and focus much more on practical skills, so he has a good amount of street smarts as well now, although they mostly focus on his ability to move unnoticed and gather information.

11. How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?

he sees himself as fairly smart, but not super well-educated (or at least not as well educated as he’d like to be), since he’s self-taught on a lot of stuff and doesnt have a full formal education

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?

i think the fact that he was well educated as a kid but had to quickly adapt to life on the road (w/ a bunch of guards no less) is reflected in his speech, as he goes back and forth between a more formal speaking style and more casual speech in his day to day conversations. he can switch back into more formal/well-educated speech if he needs to (see: when pretending to be a noble) but it’s not very natural for him.

13. Did they like school? Teachers? Schoolmates?

he loved it! he’s a fucking nerd and he loves to learn, so much that he kept up his studies even after he lacked a formal schooling environment. he also really like his teacher ms. alduri, even if she was strict sometimes. he didn’t have schoolmates though, he was basically homeschooled and his sister was younger than him and interested in different subjects anyway.

14. Were they involved at school? Sports? Clubs? Debate? Were they unconnected?

those didn’t really exist, he had private tutors

15. Did they graduate? High-School? College? Do they have a PHD? A GED?

he stopped his formal education at age nine

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

he’s a spy, basically. he doesn’t really see it as a matter of liking or not liking his work, but instead the work that he does is a matter of necessity. he’s doing this work because it’ll help him achieve his ultimate goals (bringing down new initiative/bringing back hoth) and because he has a deep loyalty to the resistance for all the help and protection they’ve given him. he likes that he’s doing useful work, and he likes seeing new places.

17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?

all the time since he was nine. they never stopped in one place for more than a month, mostly around khajjitan (sp?) and then when he started helping out the resistance, in the desert as well, although recently he’s been traveling farther north. he travels because if he stays in one place too long he might be found by people who may potentially want to kill him, and because his job requires it.

18. What did they find abroad, and what did they remember?

this is kind of a weird question to answer, because at this point his “being abroad” encompasses… over half his life? but i would say he found his godfather, his favorite weapon, his best friend, and a lot of new skills. he remembers a lot of moving around and never really making friends or relationships that lasted, and seas of grass, and later seas of sand that go on for days. and he of course remembers marcus sticking by him and taking care of him.

19. What were your character’s deepest disillusions? In life? What are they now?

right after his home was attacked i think he realized, moreso than he ever had before, that the world was a mean and dangerous place and that he wasn’t safe, and that no one really was. i think it’s still probably something close to that, that you can’t really trust anybody but yourself and a few others.

20. What were the most deeply impressive political or social, national or international, events that they experienced?

oh boy. well, when he was very young he was in the area when the capital of hoth collapsed, and he was also present for the attack on his home where the last king of hoth was assassinated. later on, he was in the capital of khajjitan when the high councilor was killed in an attack on the city and he participated in fighting off invaders. he was also present when that one building blew up in the fishing villages. a lot of shit has happened tbh.

21. What are your character’s manners like? What is their type of hero? Whom do they hate?

he’s pretty polite to strangers, kind of a snarky shit to people he knows better. i don’t think he’s particularly taken with the ideas of heroes, but he would model his image of a hero off of his father or marcus, very kind men who always put others before themselves.

he hates a good portion of jashtall’s government. he also tends not to like people he perceives as untrustworthy which is… ironic

22. Who are their friends? Lovers? ‘Type’ or ‘ideal’ partner?

lumley + the people on his team, although to varying degrees (he probably puts lumley, maybe peitho and honeyclaw in the friend category, while he views mies and ko as coworkers, although he’s starting to get closer to mies). he doesn’t really have a lot of friends otherwise since he didn’t grow up around a lot of people his age. he also doesn’t really have ‘lovers,’ unless you count a couple one-off flings from when he was traveling by himself or his current thing with quinn.

as for ‘type’, i dont think he pursues romantic stuff often but he tends to go after people who are a bit more outgoing than him that he can have a good conversation with/match intellectually (that he can nerd out with basically). i think he also tends to go for people who are taller than him? i think that’s a thing

(i’ve also definitely decided that his taste in girls is “girls that are definitely way cooler than him” but i havent figured out his taste in guys yet, more info to come)

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?

he wants (or at least definitely needs) someone who is stable and can sort of ground him emotionally, and someone he can trust completely.

as for sex it’s…weird? because i think sex is something he wants/enjoys but he has a lot of hang-ups wrapped up in his issues with trusting others and being open with them. so he finds the experience of having to be very intimate physically or emotionally very uncomfortable and it makes sex kind of an awkward topic

24. What social groups and activities does your character attend? What role do they like to play? What role do they actually play, usually?

almost none, he doesn’t interact w/ a lot of people outside of missions. when he is around people he either likes to fade into the background unless he’s put in a specific role he’s supposed to fulfill. in reality he likes to be in control of the situation and know what’s going.

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

he loves magic! so much that he studied it even after his formal schooling got cut short. he also loves history and reads non-fiction books whenever he gets the chance. and in his spare time he enjoys playing cards (which some of the guards he traveled with taught him). it’s how he developed a good poker face.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

what home lol

as for personal taste though, he tends to go for darker/duller colors that don’t stick out too much (he likes to wear shades of blue and brown especially). he likes comfortable and inconspicuous clothes, and goes for simplicity over complicated outfits, altho he’s a fan of layers. his head is shaved, but when it grows out he has dark curly hair.

27. How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?

he cares a lot about his appearance but more in the sense of being very careful of what kind of image he’s projecting. he doesn’t want to stick out too much, and is careful to dress in a way that will make him blend in to whatever circumstance he needs to. unless he’s wearing the very fancy clothing he obtained recently so he could dress as a noble (a situation which is very weird and new, he hasn’t dressed up like this since he was little), he tends to go for comfortable, modest clothing that he can move around in easily, usually involving layers and some way to hide his face. nothing ridiculously high quality, but he likes clothes that will last him a while.

28. Who is your character’s mate? How do they relate to him or her? How did they make their choice?

he’s not really with anyone atm, all of his recent romantic encounters have been born almost exclusively out of him trying to get info out of people

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

depends on the situation and who you ask. in relationships, his tendency towards thinking of relationships strategically and hella trust issues/lying. in his job, has a soft squishy center that can lead to him getting attached, although on the other hand he also has a bad tendency towards very black and white thinking, putting a lot of emotional weight on ppl he trusts and kinda disregarding anyone who falls into an enemy category. it’s complicated.

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

oh boy is he! he’s holding onto his father’s death and his sister’s disappearance, and it’s not something that he’s going to be able to forgive, ever i think. it fucked up his life too much for true forgiveness to ever really be an option.

31. Does your character have children? How do they feel about their parental role? About the children? How do the children relate?

he doesn’t have kids, although he’d like to be a dad one day

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

usually evasively, if something is wrong or he doesnt want to deal with a situation his first instinct is to run or evade.

33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health?

he drinks occasionally but not often, since he doesn’t like the “lowered inhibitions” part of it that much

34. Does your character feel self-righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?

very revengeful and somewhat righteous towards jashtall. they killed his family and destroyed his country and his life, he’s not happy.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

he puts a lot of pressure onto himself to live up to the roles placed onto him, so when things go wrong he tends to think of it as his fault and freak out a bit, usually trying to atone for whatever happened.

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

no, but he’ll endure a lot if he thinks its for a good reason or cause. and he doesnt like to see people suffer but there are some enemies he won’t be afraid to be ruthless against.

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

he’s not a big daydreamer, tends to be more focused on the moment and how he’s going to approach the future. he tends more towards the latter two, worrying quite a bit but tbh his situation calls for a good bit of that, and when he’s alone he prefers to revisit old (good) memories rather than daydream.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?

almost always very suspicious, even of things that seem relatively innocuous. he’s not very trusting and usually assumes others are out to get him or could lead to him being found out unless he has reason to believe otherwise.

39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?

he doesn’t (outwardly) ridicule others a lot i don’t think (unless they did something really dumb), but internally he thinks people who automatically trust others are dumb, as well as people who don’t think before they act.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?

he doesn’t have much of a sense of humor. he can laugh at other people’s jokes but is very bad at making them himself. he likes wordplay and puns though.

41. Is your character aware of who they are? Strengths? Weaknesses? Idiosyncrasies? Capable of self-irony?

he’s aware of his own strengths and weaknesses on a physical level, he knows what skills he has and how he can be most useful, but he’s not super self aware internally. he’s not very introspective and probably isn’t aware of how emotional he is.

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

right now, he wants his sister back, he wants jashtall in pieces, he wants to build his home again. he’ll sacrifice a lot of work and pain and hardship for that.

43. Does your character have any secrets? If so, are they holding them back?

oh boy does he lol. mostly the “secretly the prince of hoth” thing, along with the “currently a spy” thing, along with the several fake identities he’s using at the moment. he hold these things back from most people, but he’s becoming more open now that he has more people that he can rely on. he won’t give most of this info up unless it’s necessary to do so though.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?

very badly, but his responsibilities come first– it’s a rare occasion that he drops everything to go do whatever he wants. he generally tries to obtain his goals through planning and slow/deliberate action, utilizing help available to him rather than just pursuing things on his own.

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?

very pragmatic, much of which is learned– constantly moving and running away lends itself to making one very pragmatic about their actions, which even extends to how rowan uses magic, mostly picking up charms and illusions because they tend to be the most useful, even if they’re not what he’d prefer. he’s not very impulsive and much prefers to clearly plan things out before acting. “responsible” is also a key character trait of his, he’s very committed to the responsibilities given to him or the responsibilities that come with any role he has (whether as a brother, a prince, a leader, etc.)

46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?

height-wise he’s very average (he’s 5′9″). i don’t know his weight but he errs on the leaner side, although he does have muscles (his build is somewhat akin to a dancer’s build, where he has muscles but they’re mostly focused on being able to move quickly and efficiently rather than pure strength). he has very good posture. i don’t think he has any problems with his body, but he’s also pretty modest and doesn’t really want to show it off at all.

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Does they want to be visible or invisible?

he wants to come off as older and more secure and in-control than he is. whether he wants to be viewed as important/visible/invisible changes depending on the situation. if he’s pretending to be someone important then he wants to project that, but otherwise he feels very uncomfortable being looked at and noticed and would much prefer to blend into the crowd.

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?

very controlled and deliberate.

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

his voice is... tenorish maybe? idk, not terribly low but not super high either. he doesn’t have a very loud voice but knows how to speak authoritatively, and he tends to speak a bit more slowly and deliberately.

in regards to pronunciation & accent (and also vocabulary), i think it’s somewhat apparent in his normal speech that he goes back and forth between a more “proper” and “educated” style of speech that he spoke growing up as nobility (which also would probably come with a hothean accent, whatever that is in this world), and a more casual style of speech that he picked up from years on the road (he also pronounces some words with a kajjitani accent/pronunciation), he can fall back into the more “noble” style if the situation calls for it, but his normal speaking style goes back and forth between the two.

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

his main facial expression is a serious one, trying to seem impassive but definitely kind of “on” at all times. if he shows his emotions his expressions tend to be kind of grumpy, although he can put up a front and appear very polite and amiable if he wants (although he finds it very draining to do so).

#yourladybrie #rowan

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lost-your-memory · 7 years

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Cat comes back from diving 3 years later and wants to start a relationship with Kara but it turns out that Kara's engaged (and possibly pregnant?)

I’m late for this prompt but here it is! It’s a little long and I added a plot twist on this one, so you might want to read it until the end. I made up most of the stuff regarding the Kryptonian abilities here so don’t blame anyone but me for this, okay? Also, you should totally listen to that song, it inspired me ♫Lena Luthor is a character in this One-Shot, be warned.Sorry for any mistake, it’s long and it’s late but I hope you’ll like it anyway ♥

She lands in National City in the heart of the night.

She used to have a whole welcome committee, people waiting to tend her every needs and bring her up to speed on whatever she would have missed when she was away, a car waiting to take her wherever she needed to be and an assistant ready to go hang out the moon to help smoother the day in whatever possible capacity.Tonight, however, no one is waiting for her.It’s somewhere around 1am and the air is cold and crisp.It burns her lungs when she takes a deep breath but she welcome the slight, natural pain. Condensation escapes her mouth as she exhales and it makes her smile for a few seconds. It smells like something she can’t quite describe, frozen grass, burned asphalt and fresh morning wind and she thinks it’s been too long since she last inhaled this unique scent.The scent of home.—She doesn’t turn on the light as she wanders across her penthouse.The lights of National City, the glowing of the stars and the few beams of moonlight are enough to give a dim halo to the rooms, one that perfectly fits her melancholic mood.Everything is exactly how she’s left. The couches are hidden under white sheets and the many rugs that used to soften the hard wooden floor she can feel underneath her bare feet are gone but the furniture is still there, untouched and covered with a thick layer of dust.She can see it, billowing in the immobile air of the night, caught in the moonlight. Dust and memories, dancing together to remind her of a life that now seems very far away. It smells just like that too, like abandon and regret.Her nostalgic smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

—Her empire, as opposed to her penthouse, is bursting with life.She came early with the hope of spending a few minutes alone in her old office but when she’s stepped out of her private elevator, she’s found the bullpen already crowned with employees doing their job. Some of them had stared at her with a weird look on their faces but they didn’t say anything, simply resuming to their tasks with just a polite welcome back for her.Now, she’s standing in front of an all too familiar desk inside a room that used to be hers and James Olsen, sitting nonchalantly in her old throne, is smiling warmly at her.“Miss Grant, it’s good to see you.” His voice sounds genuine and she can tell he is really happy to see her. He stands up and walks across the desk to extend a hand to her and she’s almost surprised he doesn’t engulf her in one of those hugs he seems to like so much.She shakes his hand and smirks.“Mr Olsen, I see you took care of CatCo while I was gone. Thank you.”She hopes he can hear it in her voice because she does feel grateful. She also has a reputation to owe back and she’s not about to start sounding nice and accessible.“Pleasure was all mine, Miss Grant. Can I assume this is the end of your leave of absence?” He asks and she smiles this time. He’s always been so clever and astute, it’s a wonder why the Daily Planet had agreed to let him go in the first place. It all worked for the better, she thinks.“It is indeed. I can’t thank you enough for taking care of CatCo while I was away. Let me know where you want to go next and I’ll make it happen. I noticed the drowning of the Tribune, those past few months … If you’re up for a challenge, I can make you the new CEO and I’ll remove the acting hierarchy between you and me, so you can be my equal, my partner and not my employee.” Cat offers and she notices, in the way his eyes sparkle and shine, that he is interested.“Funny you should mention it, I was going to ask for something similar. I didn’t go as far as removing the hierarchic link though but if it’s okay with you … “ James answers with a smile.She nods and states “Deal, give me a two days and I’ll make it happen.”“Hum, Miss Grant, are you back effective immediately?” He asks, a little unsure and she shakes her head no.“No, Mr Olsen. I was hoping you could finish the week and I’ll work from home to catch up on whatever I missed. Does this arrangement suit you?” She thinks it’s only fair. After all, she didn’t warn anyone she was back.“Perfect. Thank you, Miss Grant. I’ll make sure my assistant send you everything you need.” James glances sideways towards the desk that used to be Kara’s. She follows the line of sight and notices Eve Tessmacher, taking note as she talks animatedly with someone on the phone.“You kept Miss Tessmacher. I assume it’s Kara’s doing, because I remember that girl for her incompetence.” She’s amused to see the sparkle of reprobation in James’s look but it’s suddenly replaced by hesitation and something like sadness.She knows better than to ask thought.She doesn’t need to, James is sighting and she knows it’s the telltale sign of him preparing to say something unpleasant.“Miss Grant … There’s something you should know. Snapper Carr fired Kara about six months after you left and there is nothing I could have done to help her keep her job. You told me not to contact you unless it was a CatCo emergency and I assumed Kara’s faith didn’t fit in that category …” He sounds sad, truly sad.She blinks at him because of all the possible scenarios she had envisioned for Kara Danvers, being fired so soon and after surviving over two years as Cat Grant’s personal assistant wasn’t one.“Fired? What the hell happened?” Her tone is sharp and demanding. She’s glaring at James but he only shrugs and sighs again. This attitude of his is starting to get on her nerves.“She tried to run a story, about Cadmus being in possession of the alien register, with all the names and addresses of every alien in National City, by Snapper but she didn’t have enough verified sources so he denied her request. She thought it was a matter of life or death, so she published it online, on a platform in direct competition with CatCo.” James explained, going straight to the point and knowing better than to embellish the facts.“She did … what?” Cat asks, shocked by what could be described as an act of treason and a professional fault that could even lead to a lawsuit from CatCo’s legal department.She’s relieved Snapper didn’t go that far, probably out of respect for Kara and her previous work under Cat’s supervision.“I know. That’s why I couldn’t do anything for her. I had to let her go.” James ends with another sigh and she swears she’s going to lash out at him if he doesn’t stop the martyr act.“Where’s Kara now?” She asks and she suddenly realizes she’s afraid of the answers.James doesn’t answer right away and he looks embarrassed for a second. She glares at him and he swallows thickly before finally answering.“She’s the new editor in chief of the L-Corp magazine. She started out as a reporter on their team but it was two and a half years ago … She arrived at the top of the hierarchy about six months ago now.”Cat arches an unimpressed brow and then scrunches her nose. “L-Corp Magazine? What the hell is that? Last time I checked, L-Corp was Lena Luthor’s technological company, I wasn’t aware they had a magazine …”James smiles but it’s bittersweet. “Now they do. L-Corp bought one of our failing competitor, I don’t remember which one I’ll have to look it up and she decided to create a magazine for their brand. At first, it was to help her restore the reputation of her company but then it defied every expectation, it’s actually a very good magazine. It has everything, from scientific vulgarization done in a clever way, selected but important news, some fashions pages, interviews with hot people and it’s … the top of the top, sometimes it’s people even I can’t reach. It’s our biggest competitor now, from a magazine point of view anyway.”Cat grits her teeth at the admission.She doesn’t like this situation one bit.“I see. It’s a good thing I decided to come back then. We have work to do.” She states and her tone leave no room for argumentation. She nods at James and he nods back before going back to his desk.As for her, she leaves CatCo with a heavy heart.—It’s even worse than what she had imagined.The numbers for the L-Corp Magazines are through the roof and CatCo can only hope to follow this thriving success.She’s holding the last issue of the damned magazine as she rides the elevator up to the last floor of the L-Corp building.She doesn’t have an appointment but she doesn’t need one. The receptionist, downstairs, had allowed her in the private lift without even batting an eye and she suspects she’s awaited.The doors slide open and she’s meet with the acting CEO of L-Corp, Lena Luthor.Which is not who she is here to see.“Miss Grant, it’s nice to finally meet you.” The voice is neutral and the smile on the red painted lips is placated, not entirely fake but far from genuine.She’s gorgeous, Cat notices. Sure, she’s seen pictures and interviews but the flesh and bone version is something else entirely. It’s a halo that can’t be reproduced in photography or film, made of cold and fire constantly battling. Her eyes are either blue or green and it’s unsettling to not be able to decide. With her white, white skin and bloody painted lips paired with ravenous dark hair gathered in a strict ponytail, Lena Luthor looks like someone who wouldn’t be lost in a fairy tales world. Whether as a villain or a hero, Cat isn’t sure.“Miss Luthor, the pleasure is all mine. However, I’m not here to see you …” Cat starts and she drifts off, hoping to get rid of the Luthor before she can run into the girl she’s actually here for.“I know, but Kara isn’t there.” The way she pronounces Kara’s name sets Cat on edges. It’s soft and tender and it’s pure fondness.One might say love, but Cat isn’t prepared for that realization to hit her.She’s been so focused on how she could get Kara back with her, she didn’t stop for one minute to consider that her former assistant might have actually moved on since then.“Oh.” She doesn’t say anything more, knowing better than to give the other woman ground to start a discussion she absolutely doesn’t want to have. Yet, Lena’s eyes harden and sparkle with something that tells her she won’t be able to escape it.“Miss Grant, it took Kara almost a whole year to get over the fact she’s been fired from your company. I simply wanted to make sure you won’t offer her another position at CatCo. It would open old, unhealed wounds and she doesn’t need it, not now.” The end of this sentence sounds a little off to Cat. She narrows her eyes at the other CEO and frowns. She knows when she hears a relevant untold information, it’s all about body language and the Luthor, as professional and clever that she is, can’t quite hide her nervousness.“What do you mean not now?” Cat jumps right in, pursing her lips and not backing off. They’re still standing in front of the elevator and she realizes this was a set up.“She’s the executor in chief of my magazine and she’s under a lot of pressure at the moment. She doesn’t need you to waltz back in her life to dangle a position at CatCo in front of her.” Lena states and her voice is neutral and calm but her words are daggers in Cat’s sides.It’s bullets digging into her skin because while anyone else witnessing this exchange could have misinterpreted this for a new employer protecting her employee from a former one, Cat knows better.It’s a lover, protecting another lover.—“Mom? Mom, are you listening to me? Mom?”Her son’s voice finally brings her back to the present. She’s been analyzing her wounded feelings and boiling emotions for the past three days, since the moment she met Lena Luthor and she had some trouble staying focused on anything else.“Yes, sweetheart?” She answers, trying very hard to take her mind away from the image of Lena and Kara as a couple to pay attention to her son.He’s looking at her with an arched brow, unimpressed by her attempt. He’s a fine young man now, tall and already developing some muscles, thanks to him being an active member of the lacrosse team of his new school. He thinks he’s going to make Captain soon and he’s working very hard for that to happen. He has friends, plenty of them and he’s even got himself a girlfriend, a sweet but funny girl that reminds her a little of Kara. He’s growing up and she’s proud of him.“Mom. You’re thinking of Kara again.” He says and there is no point in denying it. He’s been there when she’s finally admitted her unrequited feelings for her former assistant. He hadn’t been surprised, not at all. He’d just told her she should act on those feelings, before it was too late.Little did they know it was already too late.She’s been such a fool, to think she could come back and resume things where she’d left them.Of course, in three years, everything had changed.“I know. I found out that she’s been fired from CatCo, about six months after we left National City. She did something … something unforgivable for everyone at CatCo to just ignore it. Now, she’s working for the L-Corp magazine …” She notices he doesn’t seem surprised and she wonders how much she’s missed on his life. She sighs and then finishes “She’s apparently dating Lena Luthor, too.”She sees the realization sparkles in his baby blue eyes and he looks a little sad. She hates it.“I’m sorry mom. I’m sorry.” She shrugs and forces a smile. He sees right through it though, Carter Grant, walking lie detector.“Did you see Kara at all?” He asks and she shakes her head no.“No, I met Lena and she was the one to tell me to back off. She’s right, I can’t exactly barge into Kara’s life three years later and offer her another job at CatCo. Not when I never reached out to her. I promised I would, I never did.” She sighs.Everything hurts but she’s mostly angry at herself. For so many reasons.“I’m sorry, mom. I really am.” Carter offers with a sad smile. She nods and then squeezes his hand when he takes her.She doesn’t feel at home anymore.

—

A month goes by and she doesn’t see Kara Danvers at all.She notices Supergirl is still saving the day whenever she’s needed.She’s back being the reigning Queen of all media and James Olsen is now the acting CEO of the Tribune, like promised. She’s diving into her work, having missed it for three years, and it’s like finally coming up at the surface, gasping for her.She finds that she misses something though, or rather someone.Then one day, there’s a knock on her door and she looks up to glare at the unfortunate soul that dares to interrupt her without being announced first.Baby blue eyes stare back at her and there’s the shadow of a faint smile on those lips she’s dreamed of kissing, one too many times.“Kara” She breathes but then she looks at the whole picture and she hears the shatter of her heart as loud and clear as if it was actually made of glass.Kara Danvers is pregnant.—“Miss Grant, I heard you wanted to see me.” Kara says and her voice is a little guarded, far away from the bubbly enthusiasm that used to drive her mad because she found it endearing.“I see Lena brought you up to speed.” Cat answers and she makes a point to use her sharpest tone. It doesn’t seem to have any effect on Kara though.“She did, indeed.” Kara says and she takes a few steps inside the office, bringing a flood of memories back in Cat’s mind. Although, the Kara of her memories was thinner, smiling and she had a little spring in her steps.This one is moving cautiously, hands curled around her curved belly and she’s not smiling.“I assume congratulations are in order …” Cat points her chin at Kara’s belly, not even bothering to be subtle.Kara narrows her eyes but she doesn’t say anything. No thank you, no calling out on the lack of actual congratulation. Instead, she simply takes a seat in front of Cat’s desk and the sigh of relief she lets out is rather loud. It makes Cat worries a little for Kara’s health but then she scowls at herself inwardly. It’s not her role.“You went all the way to L-Corp, once you found out I had been fired from CatCo … I should be flattered, I guess.” Cat swallows thickly. Kara’s voice sounds disabused and a little cynical, she had no idea it was part of the girl’s repertoire in the first place.“I …” She tries to explain but Kara cuts her off.“It’s okay, you were away, diving into the unknown or so you said. I’m a big girl, I dealt with it. What I don’t understand, is why you went to L-Corp in the first place? You could have called, you know. You didn’t, for three years, but now that you’re back, you could have called to ask to meet me.” Kara says and Cat realizes she sounds annoyed. She wonders if it’s Lena’s doing or if Kara is genuinely annoyed at her. She feels her heart breaks a little more at the thought.“I do everything in an extreme way. Either I’m not here at all or I’m invading the space and when I learned what had happened to you … I thought I should come and apologize in person.” Cat answers, letting go of the sharp tone to go with something more neutral.Kara blinks and then narrows her eyes.“You came to … apologize? Don’t you think it’s a little late for that? Plus, I did something wrong for CatCo, they had every rights to fire me and I’m okay with the decision, now. I don’t need you to apologize. Well. Not for this at least.”Cat can’t hide her surprise quickly enough and Kara lets out a dry chuckle.“Ah, you have no idea what I’m talking about. Let me spell it for you, Miss Grant. You left, out of the blue, after promoting me and even though I did tell you, multiple time, that I don’t do well with change. I had you to guide me, through critics and half-insulting comments but it was guidance nonetheless and then suddenly, you were gone. Now, you are of course free to do whatever you want to do but I thought … I thought maybe, maybe you would reach out sometimes. A nice word of even a mean one for my first byline, some advice here and there, a word from you from time to time. That’s all I was hoping and instead, I just … silence.” Kara states and she insists on the last word, whistling the S and the C at the beginning and the end.She’s far from done and Cat stays silent, again.“I struggled to find my balance in the world after so much change at once and then, I was meet with a dilemma. I could stick with the rules of fair journalism and have many innocent aliens killed or I could go behind CatCo’s back and run the story to save said lives. I was lost and I didn’t know what to do. I needed you but I was scared to reach out, after that radio silence you were giving me. I made a choice, it got me fired and there I was, without balance again. So yeah, maybe an apology for putting me through all that change without even asking me if I was ready, that would me nice. But then again, I’m good now, I don’t really need it anymore.” Kara finishes and her eyes are quiet, a little dull.They used to shine with hope and life and now, they’re a little hollow.It’s painful to watch.Silence takes over the office and Kara gently strokes the curve of her belly, not taking her eyes off Cat’s face.Cat feels numb. It’s like nothing can hurt her anymore, not after that whole blast coming from Kara’s mouth. She had no idea she’d done so much damage. She never really thought back on her decision to leave, she’d just trusted James to handle CatCo and Kara to rise to the occasion.How wrong of her.“I’m … I’m sorry.” Cat finally whispers and Kara only shrugs. The gesture is one of rejection and it cuts Cat deeply into her soul. It’s a snapshot of how much she’s broken Kara’s nature.“I know.” Kara sighs and suddenly, she doesn’t look angry or bittersweet anymore. She looks exhausted, tired to the bone and ready to fall asleep. She looks small and weak and Cat wonders if she’s about to cry.“I’ll be okay, eventually. You being here just … bring back memories.” Kara says and beneath her glasses, her baby blues eyes sparkle with something like melancholia.“I don’t feel like I actually belong here, anymore.” Cat confesses and she realizes it’s the pure truth now. She hadn’t felt at home since the moment she found out about Kara not being part of CatCo. Silly, how a former assistant can have such weight in a thriving empire.“It’s been three years, you might want to give yourself more than a few weeks to get back in the game for real.” Kara retorts and the sass in her tone is so new, Cat’s eyes widen a little.“Brazen! That’s a color I’m not sure to like on you, last time didn’t do you any good.” Cat carefully says, joking a little but the memories of what had occurred last time still fresh in her mind.“Ah, but this time it’s only because I grew up and went through some really rough patches.” Kara replies and there’s a quiet admission there, one Cat catches immediately.“I assume your backup solution is flying around in a skirt for you, then. It crossed my mind when I first saw you …” Cat asks because she needs to be sure it’s not Kara, in that suits. It may not be her role to worry but she still does.“Yes. Temporary solution until …” Kara trails off and she smiles softly at her belly. Cat wonders what she can hear. Those superpowers are going to come in a handy, for the future mother, she thinks.She still can’t fully wrap her mind around the fact Kara is going to give birth.“Congratulations, Kara. I’m really happy for you.” Cat finally says and she’s glad it’s genuine.She is happy for Kara, even if she’s heartbroken over the fact she’s not part of that happiness.—“Now would probably be a good time to tell you that the baby here is not mine.” Kara says with a little smile.Silence punctuates her words, as Cat doesn’t quite comprehend them right away.They’re at Cat’s penthouse, a week after their exchange in the CatCo office.Kara had agreed to come for dinner, just the two of them, as a formal apology on Cat’s part. It’s late and they’re facing each other in the living room, Cat sipping at her wine on an armchair and Kara being comfortably settled in the angle of a couch.“I’m sorry, what?” Cat asks and she winces at how confused she comes across.Kara laugh and then explains “It’s a long story but basically, it’s Lena’s baby. She and her wife were trying to have a child but then her wife got killed, five months ago. I was … I was too late to save her.” Kara’s face is an open book now, grief and guilt etched all over her features. She shakes her head and then continues her story. “She died in my arms and she was pregnant, I could feel it. A tiny tiny human being at the time but it was there … And then … I have no idea how it happened but I … sort of … transferred the baby into my body. I am carrying it ever since, for Lena.”Cat blinks once. Twice. Then a whole lot more times.“You … You got impregnated by … by touching a pregnant woman?” She asks, confused and a little skeptical.“I don’t think it’s the most important factor actually. The … The dying part, played a bigger role in the fact that I was able to … to … uh, transfer the baby into my body. Apparently, it’s something a few selected Kryptonians can do but the information I have on this are very limited. I assume that, because I live under the yellow sun, it gave me that ability, like all my other superpowers …” Kara says and she’s careful to speak slowly, for Cat to absorbs everything she’s explaining.It’s a lot and Cat’s mind is reeling from so much unfamiliar science.“You’re carrying Lena Luthor’s baby … “ Cat states and then, she blinks and swallows thickly. There’s a question she’s dying to ask but she knows she shouldn’t.“Does that mean … does that mean you’re not … dating Lena?” Cat blurts and she bites the inside of her mouth but it’s too late, the words are out. She sounds hopeful and she hates it, now is clearly not the time nor the place to admit her feelings.“What? No, I’m not dating Lena! Why would you think that?” Kara sounds a little taken aback by the question.Cat thinks back of how protective the Luthor had sounded when she was there to meet Kara and she realizes she didn’t read the situation correctly. Lena didn’t protect Kara as a lover at all, she was only trying to keep Kara close and under the light of the latest development, Cat could totally understand why.“She was … very protective, when I came by to see you. I thought … I thought …” Cat tries to explain but she can feel Kara’s gaze on her and it’s distracting.“No, I don’t date Lena. I’m taking care of her baby, in a rather unexpected turn of event but otherwise, we are just friends. She was the one to offer me a job after CatCo, once I was ready to go back into the real world. She’s a very, very dear friend but that’s it. Her wife was … Her wife was a friend too.” Kara whispers the end of the sentence, unshod tears sparkling in her baby blue eyes.Cat puts her glass of wine on the coffee table and then stands up to go sit next to Kara. She doesn’t hesitate one second before pulling the younger woman into her arms for a hug, one that is long time overdue.They fall asleep like this, tangled up together on the couch.—“Stop pacing the floor like this, you’re giving me a headache.”Stormy undefinable eyes are suddenly glaring at her and she simply offers a sweet smile in return.Lena Luthor is a mess, digging a hole in the concrete floor of the DEO’s hallway as she paces back and forth and forth and back again. Cat, more poised, is sitting on a plastic chair that had been brought for the occasion by a full geared agent. She’s worried too, of course she is but she doesn’t like to show it so she just fidgets with the pair of glasses she’s holding in her hands.“Ladies, could you please, please relax just a little?” A deep voice chimes in and Hank suddenly walks around the corner. He looks a little bothered and Cat has to bite the inside of his lips not to laugh. She suddenly remembers that he can read minds and she wonders what Lena’s mind looks like right now. It’s probably full of worries and anxiety.“Exactly, yes, and it makes it hard for me to focus.” Hank says to her and Cat blinks a few times before remembering she’s not immune to his mind reading, not like Kara.“I don’t get it, she’s your girlfriend, how can you be so calm!” Lena asks and paces a little faster.Cat sighs and simply answers “She’s Supergirl. She’ll be fine and your baby will be too. Have a little faith, will you?”Lena glares at her again but she doesn’t answer. Truth is, Cat is every bit as nervous and anxious as Lena, she’s just way better at hiding it.It’s hours later when Alex comes out of the medical bay where she was helping Kara deliver a baby. She looks exhausted but she’s smiling and her eyes are sparkling.“Congratulations Lena, you have a healthy, beautiful pair of twin girls!”For a few seconds, Lena blinks and then she bursts into tears, happy ones. Cat is quick to stand up to hold her.“Come on, let’s go see your daughters.” She says as she guides the other woman towards the doors.As she brushes Alex, she hears “Kara’s fine too, she’s asleep but she’s okay. They’re all okay.”It’s only then that her tension goes away and she offers a grateful smile to Alex.—“How come you didn’t know it was a pair of twins?”Cat asks, curled against Kara’s bare skin in their bed, three weeks after the superhero gave birth to two beautiful little girls.“I knew. Everyone in the medical team knew for months but I asked them to keep it a secret. Evan told me once they didn’t want to know until the birth day and I thought it would … be nice, honor that wish.” Kara answers with a sad smile.Cat feels her heart ache for Lena and Kara, both living with the ghost of Lena’s wife.“I wish I had met her.” Cat softly whispers and Kara lets out a little chuckle.“She was kind of a Lois Lane, you would have hated her on the spot” She explains with a smirk and Cat shrugs.She’s already falling asleep but she knows Kara is going to be awake for a while.“I love you, Kara Danvers.” She whispers again, barely forming the words but she knows Kara can hear them all the same.A pair of strong arms close around her waist and a kiss lands on her shoulder.Then, she feels the words caress her ear.“I love you too.”

#sentences prompt #supercat prompt #supergirl prompt #supercat fic #supergirl fic #kara x cat #kara danvers #cat grant #lena luthor #james olsen #carter grant #alex danvers #supercat ficlet #supergirl ficlet

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