#but like????? wtf do we just not care about actual fucking latinos getting paid

[im-bipolar-but-thats-okay]

Love, Pt 3.

Like a bad DBZ episode it has taken us awhile to get to the end of my love life. So grab your boo or your favorite Pokemon stuffed animal and snuggle up for my great finale.

The One I Can’t Let Go Why can’t I let go? Well because on paper he is perfect. He is devilishly handsome, actually used to model. He is funny and goofy. He likes all the same stuff I do, Pokemon and Star Wars. He is intelligent and always keeps a good conversation. His smile makes me smile and his laugh makes me laugh. He has a good career and is even going to school. He is my perfect sexual match. PERFECT. He makes me feel taken care of and like I don’t need to worry about anything because he is going to make sure it is okay. He is a good father to his Pitbull, and she is just as adorable as he is. But the demon hurt him. I hurt him. And things were never the same. I don’t fully blame myself. He has a lot of issues, too. When he is upset, he pushes me away. I cannot tell you how many times he has broken up with me. When he is mad, he is cold. He went as far as to call my knuckle tattoos trashy. Asshole, those are one of my favorite tattoos. I could easily fill a notebook with the ways he has hurt me, like the time he abandoned me in New York City. I could easily fill a notebook with the ways I hurt him, like the time I destroyed his apartment. And I could easily fill a notebook about the things I love about him, like the way he always wants to sit next to me at a restaurant and not across from me. Or the way he says my name in Spanish. Or the way he winks at me and it always makes me blush. I even love the story of how we met. Probably should have started there but here we go. I was drunk off my ass, hanging out with a girlfriend in downtown Denton. We had leftovers from our dinner, but we were too lazy to walk back to the car. As we were approaching the venue for a show my friend of a friend’s band was going to play at, I raised the box above my head and said, “Does anyone want this food?” A husky man replied, “Is it poisoned?” The husky man was his friend. There were three of them. They were there to see their friend’s band play. We talked a little but then my girlfriend and I went inside. I was dancing and having fun when they found us. My girlfriend was trying to flirt with him, and I was in my own little world. I had no idea he was looking at me the whole night. Eventually, he bought me a shot and I proceeded to make out with him. He asked for my number and I said no. Instead, I added him on Facebook. For some reason, drunk me thought it was safer to add him than to give him my number. My girlfriend and I disappeared into the night to another bar. He messaged me that he had to leave but wanted to see me before he left. I gave him the wrong bar name, not on purpose. I was really fucked up. But he eventually found me. I was flirting with another guy at a table. He walked right up to me and gave me the most passionate kiss. The other guy stormed off. To be honest, I did not think much of the One I Can't Let Go at first. I really saw him as just another guy who wanted to fuck me. Conceited, I know. The first time we actually hung out, and I was sober, I fell in love almost instantly. He was so much deeper than I had thought. Fast-forward to three years later, so much pain and so much happiness. Most of my family and friends don't like him. Most of his family and friends don't like me. But I don’t care. I still love him. As I type through my tears, I know his darkness is not enough for me to let him go.

The Speed Bump Last but not least. Actually, yeah. He is the least. Fuck him. He dumped me because of my depression/bipolar and my alcohol problems. The last time I broke up with the One I Can’t Let Go it was because we seem to want different things for our future. I actually don’t think he knows what he wants for his future. Anyways, I went on a hunt for someone basically just like him on several dating apps. I even tried Chispa. (Chispa is a dating app for Latinos. Chispa means spark in Spanish.) I met the Speed bump on Bumble. At first, I felt medium about him. His pictures were okay. They showed a goofy side but no clear pics of his face. What really got me was his bio. It seemed like he was actually looking for a real relationship and not just a hook up. We talked a bit but things kind of slowed down. I was connecting more with another guy. When my uncle died from Covid, I was silent on all my apps for a day or two while I cried and took depression naps. Then I started talking to Speed bump again. I needed to not feel alone. The second time around we really hit it off. We started hanging out almost every day. He even took me on a trip to Austin for my birthday. I was slowly falling in love even though we had only dated for 3 months. It wasn’t anything like the One I Can’t Let Go. It was calmer, tame. But for a while it was really nice. I started to daydream about a future with a husband and Spanish-speaking babies again. But things turned dark one night. I got too drunk, big surprise. I made a mistake or, rather, several. He didn’t talk to me for 2 days. When he finally did, I thought we came out stronger than ever. But I guess I didn’t change fast enough for him. Then I started my blog and I think that scared him away too. He dumped me and it was bad. We were at a restaurant! We spent the whole day together. I actually thought we were having a good day, but I guess he was just trying to hold it in, and he couldn’t anymore. I’m still pretty bitter about the whole situation. A part of me feels betrayed and I feel like he was blaming me for a lot of his own issues. I was really hurt by it, but not hurt enough to put a hex on him. Now, I’m going to use this opportunity to be petty and talk shit. First, he had really bad teeth. I actually almost didn’t go out on a second date with him because his teeth were so bad. It really bothered me in the beginning and I wish I would’ve listened to my shallow end that time. I mean, I am horrible at brushing my teeth, but, daaaaaamn, they were bad. Sometimes he pooped without flushing. I witnessed this twice. Like WTF. You are way too old to not be flushing the toilet. His car was really shitty. He had just bought a house, so I guess he didn’t have a lot of money for a new car, but he also had two roommates who paid rent. I just feel like at 30 years old, we should not be worrying if your car is going to start or not. The sex was blah. It was good, but it was very vanilla. And one of the biggest things I struggled with was that his stepped and brother were racist. They dropped the N-word a lot and with the "-er" at the end. He was just okay with it? I don’t fully understand how you can just be okay with it. The first time I heard his brother say that, I was mortified. I was so upset I ran to his room and started crying. I had to call my really good friend who is black but also basically my little brother. He calmed me down and told me to get out of there. The Speed bump told me he wanted his brother to be “comfortable” in his own home, which I guess means you get free rein to be a racist. I don’t know, man. It made it really hard to be around his family though and made me question him. You know what? It was short-lived, but it wasn’t too bad. I think it brought my attention towards my struggle with alcohol, so I guess that’s a good thing. Now that I look back, I'm kind of glad it is over and didn't last long. That is why he is called the Speed bump.

So that’s it! All the guys I have ever dated. The ones I loved and the one I didn’t. Fifteen years of dating and I have made many mistakes. I’ve lived many lives and I definitely have plenty of stories to tell. What is next? I don’t know. We will see. Maybe in a couple of months I will make a new post about the next guy who broke my heart. 

#bipolar disorder #bipolar #mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #mental instability #mental health support #love #relationship #relationships #break up #heartbreak #dating

[nyruratchet]

Notes 4 - The Morning After

“People. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

There are pills for straight couples to avoid pregnancy after a few moments of bliss, there are pills to help people stay safe from contracting HIV, there are pills to recorrect the chemical imbalance for people struggling with mental issues; there are pills for EVERYTHING, but no one has derived a magical pill to fix the pain one feels when forced to wake up the morning after valentine’s day alone.

Actually, this problem doesn’t just exist on Valentine’s day. But, seeing as how I’m perpetually single, I can attest to the fact that this day is the most painful (all other holidays come second). Just yesterday, someone asked a question, “yall fall in love with niggas y’all meet on apps??”

My response: Honestly, what are the other options? This is a legitimate question...

Him: Go meet someone in real life...apps aren’t real life! You don’t know that nigga til u see him. In real life, u see everything you as over and over on the app.

Me: You do (meet them), but those are the same guys on the apps. And no one gives you the time of day at bars, events, etc. So, ur stuck with friends of friends, coworkers (nope) and apps...really (WTF?)

Him: Idk who y’all meeting but niggs stay tryin to see wassup on the low when I’m out...especially the damn gym!

Now, I then had to check him and remind him that, just because YOU are so attractive and have thousands of followers that men just flock to you, THAT IS NOT the average gay man’s reality. Just recently a black man on Grindr says he doesn’t like black men. Only whites and latinos. Yep, this is the world I live in. So when you all think I’m crazy to think I’m not in someone’s league, please know there are factors in the chess game that I’m aware of that you have NO CLUE about. Being the darker brother in the gay community is not easy and constantly I am made to feel like I’m not worthy of inclusion in it. Being dark is not acceptable. Nor is being skinny. Nor is not having a BBC (which is all anyone seems to value from us). Nor is being open to love; I’ve been faulted way too many times for that tbh. Almost as many times as I’ve been skinny-shamed or considered fem. Guys in our community are looking more for TS girls than black men. Period. I see “girls” on Grindr far too much. THERE, I said what I said. Grindr’s way of dealing with this influx...ask me to list myself as a CIS man. NO THE FUCK I WILL NOT! I’m a man. These labels are too much. can’t meet men in bars or apps or work. So, let me know...HOW?

To lose my virginity I had to get on craigslist and whore myself out like a rentboy (no money involved) only to get this catfish older man to respond. I was 21 years old and saw this as my only chance before moving to NY. Guys throughout my life up until this point (as i wrote about in my last post) had been ignoring me. I was invisible in the world of gay sex. I might as well have been a eunuch or a monk. I was always the “friend”...still am. So, I took this less then adequate gentleman and let him penetrate me for the first time; give me my first kiss (yuck, it was awful); and teach me a few things. I thought, after this, I’ll never have to settle for less than I deserve...BOY was I wrong.

Back to the part about me being invisible for a moment. Throughout high school, people knew I was gay. I told a few guys and expressed interest and they paid me no attention. COME TO FIND OUT, my (at the time good) friend Jonathan, had slept with a quite a few of them. (Backstory, I fell for Jonathan, he spurned me too, we became great friends, he then transitioned into being a woman, and now we don’t really talk). So, When I found this out, I was devastated. TO THIS DAY, I will never understand why I was not enough. I was SOOOOO nice to these guys. Dustin used to get picked on in middle school, and I used to stand up for him. Nick was the most beautiful boy in the world in high school with a smile that could like up the darkest soul and I would always root for him, etc. But, I wasn’t who they wanted. I mean, You think I’m a good guy now, you should have known me back then. I was such a kind spirit. My soul is so dark now and I don’t think that will ever be rectified.

These next instances are the reasons I will never be untainted. THESE STORIES ARE NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. If you don’t want to cry, feel sorry for me, or worry, stop reading now.

I have been abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. These stories are in sequential order.

When I was traveling once, I was drinking and felt like fulling one of my fantasies. I don’t remember why, but i know that I hadn’t been touched in a WHILE. And for a person who needs that, just a moment where someone can use you to “get off” is enough to make it through the night. One fantasy that is very popular in the gay community of being fucked by visitor who comes in the unlocked door and fucks you, then leaves after he finishes. No strings attached (NSA), photos presented beforehand (pics), usually some time of safeguards in place. I was new, and it was my fault. This guy sent me pictures on whatever app I was using, think it was Craigslist. He told me all his information, I told him where I was staying and said I’d be blindfolded, ready for him to fuck me when he walked in. As SOON as he walked in, I heard the door close and lock and I had a feeling something was wrong. He came up behind me, naked and grabbed my neck chokingly and SHOVED into me. And this guy’s body was WAY bigger than what he said. He was chub/stocky and nothing like what he had sent me. I tried to tell him to stop, that I didn’t want HIM. But clearly, he had done this before. And this was before catfishing was a THING. So, he wasn’t going to stop no matter how much I struggled. So, I resulted that this was a part of the “fantasy” that I had signed up for. I could NOT call this rape. I will never call that rape. Yes, someone lied to me, wouldn’t stop when I said so, but I was totally in the wrong here. I put myself in a situation to be taken advantage of by a stranger. That is one of the things that makes this fantasy so hot. Just happens in my case, that it went terribly awry,  So, I went limp and let him finish. He left. I locked the door and took down the posting I had made. My throat was on fire and he had pulled my hair too hard. But he was gone and I was alone again. 

Another time in a hotel room, laying over in Washington, Dulles I was getting ready for bed. I was hungry, so put my iphone on the charger, grabbed my food and went for the microwave on another floor. When I came back, my phone was charged enough to check my facebook. As soon as I opened it up, on my timeline it says “PAUL IS IN A RELATIONSHIP”. I said, wait...what? My Paul? the one who I helped move? The one I got a xmas tree for? The one I held while crying? The one I protected from himself? The one whose bed I was JUST in? The guy I had been talking to like every day? My heart was beating out of my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Now, I’m not nor have I ever been naive. We weren’t a couple. He wan’t mine. But I wanted him, made it known. He said lots of things that didn’t add up to much. But, I was in his life, so I accepted that until he could give me more. But when I saw THAT status. I LOST it! Why? because he had told me WORD FOR WORD: “I don’t want a relationship right now. I have some little twink guy from this broadway show who likes me, but I’m not interested.” I always did status checks to make sure I didn’t get blindsided. But alas, here I was despite all my effors. My body went NUMB. Tears ran down my face. I dropped to my knees and asked God or whomever was in charge of things WHY the FUCK was it not me?? Am I not cute enough? Am I too poor? Not successful enough? What did I do? I immediately texted my friend Ant and told her what was up and that I was ready to end it. Before I knew it, I was on a 3 way call. What no one knows is, at one point I was bathroom, in the tub, with a razor, a full bottle of advil, a bottle of wine to hopefully make the blood run faster. I had never contemplated killing myself. This was a knee-jerk reaction to someone I loved with every fiber of my being choosing to give his love to someone else who didnt even have to try! If he could throw me away after I gave all I had and more that I didn’t even know I had in me, and he STILL didn’t want me, how is anyone else gonna love/choose me? So, I was ready to end it. Cuz I knew, this would not be the last time this would happen; guys don’t seem to care who they hurt or how. Paul texted me and said he didn’t owe me any explanation “dude”.  But my friends talked me down from that ledge I was prepping to jump off. I also was terrified of doing it. I didn’t know if it would even work. And I didnt want my family to go through that. Till this day, that is why I could never commit suicide. I do think about it, yes. My life sucks. And try as I may, I don’t see a reason for me being here. And yes, I’ve been to many therapists ever since college. Its not a problem that can be talked out. I suffer from depression that can only be assuaged by fixing the problem; the problem is my life. (love, money, music). So, I just try to keep on. I’m not bi-polar; although, sometimes I wish I were. That is a diagnosis that can be managed with medication. My life, cannot be managed. But I’m trying...I am trying.

Now, as I mentioned before, not a big fan of coworker dating/fucking/etc. HOWEVER, there are 2 people I have always said I’d try if I had the chance. Because they may be reading this (doubt it, but I will fight my petty urges), We’ll just call them Trip and Kurt. Now, Trip and I have been messaging off and on doing this whole cat and mouse thing for years. He winds up telling me he’s interested but we couldn’t tell anyone at work; which I agreed to. And would have tried to keep his confidence, FOR HIM. He is really against work relations as well. This all started with grindr and just escalated to us talking off and on. Finally one day, he texts ME and asks “Hey sexy, you in NY?” I wasn’t. Was working. But I never post my whereabouts on FBOOK so, the question was warranted. He said he really wanted to fuck. Our paths kept not being able to cross. So, LONG story short, I rearranged my schedule and we set up a “date” at his place when I got back. I was working a redeye. Told him I’d get home, run my errands take a quick nap and be over to make a full day of it. Trip agrees with everything. I do exactly what I say (I’m a Leo, it’s what we do. We’re consistent. We’re straight forward). I pick up a bottle of $20+ wine to show him I really give a shit and to be courteous because a good southern boy doesn’t arrive at someone’s house empty handed. I knew he had been done wrong and I wanted to put my first foot forward, even if it was just sex he wanted. I message him when I was on the way back home...no response. Ok, I wanna shower. Text him again...tells me he’s out. I say, “ok well just tell me when to head over. I’ll be at home” He says “ok sounds good baby.”  Ok, so I take my hour nap so I don’t miss his text. (For me, you KNOW that is no small feat!) I get up and he still hasn’t messaged me. So I wait...and wait...and wait for 5 hours. Then I text him “Ok...well, headed to bed I guess. Hope you had a good night. (he’s scheduled to work the next day so I KNOW no late fun was happening)  But beforehand, my spidey senses were tingling. So, I got on facebook. OH, he’s out living his best life! Fuck MY time right? Awesome. I had a drink then went to sleep. Next day, he messages me that he fell asleep after getting home. BOO, so...you left your friends (after you went out...yeah, I saw the check-ins), hopped a train, got home, and never NOT ONCE thought to text me to tell me a damn thing?! But you say “sorry” and I’m supposed to just accept that? No. I wanted you past the point of that barrier I placed up barring all guys I worked with. You just took a big dump on that AND made me feel shitty in the process. I took that bottle of white wine to the head by myself at some point btw...

Now Kurt, he’s special...I met him and was immediately entranced. To keep this one shorter, he also told me HE DIDNT WANT TO DATE ANYONE. Guys need to stop telling these motha fuckin lies!  Ok, so I’ll be your friend. But I really like him. So, I’m minding my own business and facebook again notifies me, Kurt is in a relationship. OH? with WHOM? Oh! someone we work with? Someone you met AFTER ME?! Interesting...now, when this boy confessed a secret to me, I was totally loving and told him my past experiences and that he’s and amazing person, etc. So, the next time we work together, I don’t mention his new BF. He brings it up and explains how and why he fell for him. WOULDNT YOU KNOW IT, the boyfriend said the same thing I did about his secret but just BEFORE he happened to conceal it. I tried so hard not to roll my eyes when he told me that. It was like a smack in the face. If you don’t think I’m cute, just say that. But don’t talk about how someone’s heart won you over. Cuz I was here loving on you before. I went back up to my room (tipsy) turned on some Aaliyah and cried myself to sleep. I am never gonna be enough for these boys/men. I saw that now. Paul had recently resurged and re-exited my life after telling me he loved me. I WAITED for that! He was the first man to ever say those words. And they were supposed to mean something! And shortly after...he ghosted me again. So, I’m feeling pretty worthless at this point.

No matter what I do, I’m never good enough. I keep trying to be the best me and there is always someone there saying, nah...this other dude is better. Swipe left. “Thank you, Next” (I don’t like Ariana Grande btw.) I have this fear that when I’m old, some guy I’ve loved forever will find me and say, I married someone else. He’s gone now, he did me wrong. We can be together now. Like I’m only going to be someone’s choice after their first choices have bit the dust. That is NOT okay with me. 

So, here I am on Valentine’s day trying to explain to all of you who have someone to “come home to”. EVEN if you don’t like Vday, do not pretend that this day doesn’t matter or make people feel a certain way. I’m alone AND I’m lonely. Don’t tell me I shouldn’t feel this unless you tell me how to not feel that way; and your explanation better not involve friends. Sorry, friends have their own issues and while checking in and venting is great, they can’t be your life support. They can’t help you take care of your heart. Especially if they are married, have kids, etc. You’re the single 3rd wheel. 

I tried to take myself to the movies. The movies I wanted were all sold out by couples. Dinner, tables full. So, I ate leftovers from yesterday’s dinner I cooked and am halfway through this bottle of wine. You cannot fault a person for wanting love. Finding it may have been somewhat easy/happenstance for you. And I try not to fault YOU for that. Everything has been hard for me. Literally, everything. That’s the only reason I’m still here. Because when something happens, I yell, scream, vent, handle it like Olivia Pope, then continue on. No one is there at night when i lay down. No one said Happy Valentine’s day to me today. No one is gonna smile at me when i wake up in the morning.  Nope, I have to survive my morning after by myself. No pill in hand to help.

“Children needing other children, yet letting our grown-up pride hide all the need inside...acting more like children, than children.”

#valentines #love #unrequited love #dating #relationships #wine #sexy #fantasy #blog #broadway #feelings #mental health #survival