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flyingcookierambles · 4 years

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plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha)

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke.

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

#gummytruck rambles #personal #2020 resolutions???? i think #weird gender shit

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byastrodust · 5 years

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My honest to god opinion about Larry

I do realize that this is a devastating time for the fandom, yet certain reactions to Félicité’s passing got me thinking. ((This post has nothing to do with that but I might sum up my thoughts on that topic later)).

Let me start with a couple of disclaimers before anyone comes at my throat.

- I’m 23 years old, I’d like to believe I’m a grown ass adult and I rarely concern myself with problems that are not actually mine (I simply don’t have the time ok)

- I DO read (or occasionally write) Larry fanfic for ONE reason: the idea of them as a couple, their dynamic is interesting and appealing and it had a wide audinece. AKA I enjoy the literature.

- there was a time when I was a firm believer of ‘Larry’ but that’s gone now

- also I’m not trying to spread hate, it’s all just my opinion which I’m just as entitled to as you are to yours. If you don’t think the way I do I respect that and we’ll agree to disagree. OK? Cool?

Here’s the TEA ::

1. Larry? Old news.

I don’t think that Harry and Louis are a couple. Tbh I don’t think they’re really friendly anymore even. Why? Because their LACK OF INTERACTION. And for those who will have excuses here’s how I see it. Niall/Harry, Niall/Louis, Liam/Louis had no problem with interacting, going to each other’s shows etc. But all H&L did was awkwardly acknowledge each other’s existence and solo carrier, usually when they’re asked. Yeah they were nice, because neither of them are assholes, but that’s about it. Also, they’re no longer tied to their old management so I highly doubt their lack of interaction comes from a management standpoint. It’s simply not logical. (Also if you really think about it, fans lose their shits when H&L and even mentioned in the same context, what idiot of a management team would not utilize that free promo if they were in fact a couple/friends. This aspect never made sense to me. Let’s be real, show biz is finally(?) realizing that they can market ‘gay’ and it sells. Again, I could write a whole post on that.) So, naturally, their lack of interaction to me clearly indicates that they are not in close proximity to each other. Are they both in London? So am I and millions of other people, it’s simply not substantial enought to count as ecidence.

2. The fandom phenomenon

Is it too late to mention that I’m a psychology major, specializing in fandom mentality and toxic obsessions? Oh well. Here’s my two cents on Larry from a semi(? I’d like to think about myself as a pro but boy I still have years to get there) professional point of view.

Larry shippers are intense, extreme and compulsive. But it’s ok. I’m not here to give anyone that bitter pill of reality and if you want to believe that Larry’s married, living in a cute cottage with a white picket fence, who am I to shatter that picture? Believe it or not, idealization is actually healthy to a certain degree. BUT. The god honest truth is that Larry is a phenomenon created and fueled by obsessive fan behavior and refusal of hard case evidence. I’m sorry to burst a bubble but how many times did they deny Larry? A lot! Even Zayn did in his book (btw who the fuck knew Zayn had a book wow) after cutting all legal ties with 1D. And he was bitter. So if Larry was real, Zayn had the perfect opportunity to expose it. Instead he said that the allegations strained their friendship and it hurt them. Liam said something similar in an Out magazine interview as well (soz I didn’t fact check so feel free to correct me). Why do so many people still believe that Larry is real? Because of the way fans built up their relationship. And here I have to say that I do not exclude the possibility that at some point they might have been more than friends. Boyfriends, fwb, kissed once? Idk. Do I personally believe that any of that happened? No. But it is a possibility. And I see why people would be so hooked on their relationship. But here’s my theory.

You don’t ship Louis and Harry. You ship who you think Louis and Harry are. You ship the idea. Frankly, the fans don’t know them, they only know their public persona, a carefully crafted social construction.

That doesn’t mean that the ‘real’ Harry and the ‘real’ Louis is different from their public persona. It’s more like they’re extentions of each other. Just like you have different personas: who you are with friends, with family, how you behave online or in real life. These personas all build up the personality and they cannot be separated, yet neither is true without the others. (Phew got a little carried away in the shrink bs sorry)

So what fans know is one of their personas (and with celebrities you also have to consider that their public persona is always shaped by the fans’ perception).

In English: fans created Larry and their belief makes it real for them (kinda like in the first season of Supernatural when they hunted a monster that was created by the town’s belief in it)

So for all those reasons, I question the validity of Larry Stylinson. From a completely neutral (well sorta) standpoint it is clear that Louis and Harry are not a couple, but I do see why people want them to be. Honestly, I think this whole thing got a little out of hand and with media outlets like Twitter and Tumblr I doubt it’ll slow down soon. However, the power of the fandom is damn impressive.

And now let me get to why I finally wrote this damn thesis on Larry.

3. What you think is not real

So with Félicité’s passing, the past couple of days I saw people complain about fans taking pictures with Harry on the basis of Larry. Mostly those comments say that fans should respect Harry’s grief and leave him alone. Here’s a couple things to consider (whether or not you believe in Larry)

- Harry is a grown ass adult and if he feels like fans are disrespecting his privacy he will not take pictures with them. It’s his decision and for the love of god don’t treat him like a child that can’t stand up for himself.

- more importantly (and it might hurt, I’m sorry) Harry might not grief Félicité at all. That sounds mean let me explain. Yes, her death is a tragedy, yes it is awful and unjust. But. Unless you had a personal relationship with the person passing it’s not grief, it’s projected sympathy. And that’s all right, it’s natural, and confusing the two is understandable. Here’s a personal example: when my best friend’s mum died I was devastated and sad but I wouldn’t necessarily say I grieved, because I was not in a personal relationship with her. We talked sometimes, we liked each other but that’s it. And I’m not a piece of shit becuase of it. It’s just natural. Same with Harry. I’m pretty damn sure that he feels awful for Fizzy, for Louis, for the situation but that might not be greif. Because it doesn’t affect him personally. So people asking photos of Harry isn’t the same like they’d ask Louis (now that would be outright disrespectful)

Soooooooooooo.

Tbh this is something I wanted to address for a long time but I never had the time or the will to type it. Of course I could be totally wrong, that’s always a possibility. And if you think I’m just talking out of my arse, I respect that.

Actually, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Especially if you believe in Larry.

Please be civil and kind. I’d love to start a conversation.

There are so many more topics I could and would love to address, so I might be back with another lengthy one.

🖤

//footnote: the whole Larry fanfiction thing is a whoooooole another story, but I personally don’t think that shipping and writing/reading fanfiction has anything to do with actually pushing and believing in Larry. A good fanfic I appreciate lol//

#larry stylinson #louis tomlinson #harry styles #larry #tea #one direction #liam payne #niall horan #zayn malik

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bigskydreaming · 6 years

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So random stuff about me and my acting career, apropos of nothing but being bored and having a spare moment. Putting it under a cut, not because it’s super personal or I have a problem with reblogs or anything in this instance, it’s just long and rambly and only of interest if you’re like....actually interested. Idk.

So I was just talking about memory, and I’m weird because in most instances, I actually have a really freaky good memory. It’s not photographic, but it’s still damn good. I can memorize a script fast enough that it gives most of my other actor friends envy, I could draw a floorplan of like, every house I lived in as a kid, but the thing is it’s not automatic. I have to like....make a mental note to lock something in as worth hanging on to. Its not like I look at a page and I have it memorized, but I look at a page and make a mental note like I’m taking a snapshot of it, and then its locked in.

But bottom line....I have a really really good memory for anything I care about to some degree, for whatever reason I care about it, whether it’s an important life event or a scene by scene breakdown of a fave fanfic I read twenty years ago in high school. Flip side tho....I have an absolutely TERRIBLE memory for anything that doesn’t particularly matter to me and I was never paying that much attention to begin with.

Now, you would think this would work out in my favor overall, as an actor, right? Like I said, I can memorize scripts really quickly and hold onto them for as long as I need to, I never forget a face if it’s someone I like or have a good interaction with, stuff like that.

Buuuuuut....problem is.....I’m also a jaded cynical asshole who super doesn’t give a shit about a lot of key things that most everyone else in the entertainment industry assumes everyone cares about as much as them. Like....say, how famous a person is, or how popular a show or movie is.

I could tell you every little detail I learned in conversation with a super obscure actor I worked with once eight years ago that’s only recently achieved a level of fame or celebrity if that actor was someone I enjoyed working with as a person. But if say, for instance, purely speaking hypothetically, if an actor were someone that I decided I didn’t give a shit about five seconds into our interaction because he came across as Generic Hollywood Douchebag #27? And if that actor was mostly in shows that aren’t to my personal tastes and so aren’t really on my radar, it doesn’t matter how big or famous that actor is, or even if I’ve literally met them three different times on three different projects and been personally introduced to them because I had actual lines with them.....hypothetically I would probably reintroduce myself to them each time as though it were the first time we’d ever met, even though I’m the nameless nobody and they’re the big star, because I simply did not give enough of a shit about them to lock in our previous interactions.

Now, I’m not saying that this scenario has happened, I’m just saying that it hasn’t....not happened.

And I’ve definitely never been in the super awkward position of only realizing halfway into a three week shoot with a director that the kinda weird random comments the director keeps making to me have to do with the fact that he actually directed me in a commercial years earlier and has been assuming this whole time that I definitely remembered working with him before, whoops.

But yeah, point is, I have a lot of cool or interesting or funny stories from working in Hollywood for like...ten years now, I think? Idk. But they’re all from like...good days on set on projects I enjoyed working with people I liked. I’ve had just as many projects where I literally just showed up for the paycheck, worked with people I didn’t err...particularly care for, and basically just....forgot everything about the job and the experience the minute I walked off set because who needs that shit, you know? Like I mean, yes, I’m petty and spiteful and joke about this all the time, but in reality, I don’t ACTUALLY get super annoyed over every single negative interaction I ever have, I just exaggerate this aspect of me for shits and giggles on tumblr because I’m unneccessarily melodramatic. When it comes to my day to day job, aka working on set on various projects, its just not worth the mental energy to get worked up over a lot of the shit I deal with on a daily basis because like, Ego is EVERYWHERE in Hollywood, and even I do not have the time or energy to be annoyed every time I have to work with a patronizing asshole. So mostly, I just tend to...forget about them. Unless they REALLY get under my skin.

Anyway, this leads to a very weird dichotomy when it comes to talking about my actual career and experiences as an actor. I can totally be guilty of name-dropping and being all oh I know so and so or I worked on this or that, but its not really because I think its super impressive because they’re so famous or whatever. The novelty of working with famous people wears off pretty quick, and like...no matter how big the person you’re working with today is, its not like there isn’t always someone bigger, you know? So when I name drop, it tends to be because I just really like someone as a person or just had a really good time working with them or working on a particular shoot. But then again, flip side.....try and talk to me about a job I didn’t care about, I mean, not a job I HATED but a job I just....wasn’t invested in, just was there for the paycheck, and like....you’ll get a blank stare 99% of the time.

So, I technically remain pseudo anonymous for the time being on tumblr, not wanting to publicly link this URL to my like....work stuff, that’s because most of you have seen me get enough anon crap from people worked up about fandom drama, that its not worth it to me to risk giving them potential ammunition like that. Considering I.....umm, absolutely have talked a LOT of shit about a couple of movies and shows and actors and directors that I have worked on or with personally because I have no filter lmao.

(And yes, Kalen is my real name and ppl have found my twitter and writing stuff because of it BUT I use a different name for my SAG name so like, that’s not what I’m on IMDB and stuff as). But because I have no filter and am one of the least subtle people in existence, I actually do end up saying a lot of stuff I probably shouldn’t if I REALLY wanted to remain totally anonymous, because a few people have absolutely figured out stuff I’ve been in and even tracked me down based on stuff I’ve mentioned over the years, lol whoops. And its not really that big a deal because I do have enough common sense....well no, okay let’s put it this way, I do have a firm enough system of prioritizing things for myself that anything I do say out loud, online or in public, is something that I would and have stood by even if it ends up getting me in trouble. Like, its not end of the world type secrecy, its more just....eh, I don’t really want to deal with unnecessary career drama if I don’t have to, so I try to be vague about stuff when I remember to, but I’m not like....obsessively invested in it. If that makes sense?

But the funny thing is, even with friends who do know my real name and I talk to about actual jobs I’ve had, like....half the time I can’t even tell them where to find me, because I genuinely don’t even remember a ton of the stuff I’ve actually been in. I could literally still recite my lines from a role, because that’s important info I needed to get paid for the job and thus I retain it....but in instances where it was just one or two fairly generic scenes without a context clue or me using names to signify who I might be talking to or what show or movie it might be from....I literally do not remember what the actual role itself was, lmao.

Like, I’m not even exaggerating for effect even slightly, this is how weird my brain is. I get residual checks for work I’ve done where I have to like....go hunt down my voucher or contract that matches the dates on the check to figure out what project it was from and try and remember it. Or go through my phone or facebook based off the dates to try and see if I talked to anyone about it that can jog my memory. Because what’s worse is a lot of stuff in Hollywood that isn’t like, a long running TV show, will use a pre-production name or even just go by ‘Untitled (Director’s Name) Project’, so I get a check with the official name of the project on it, and my dumb ass never paid attention to it after I was done working on it so never actually connected the dots.

LOL, I’ve had people I know come to me and be like, hey, were you on this episode of Criminal Minds in Season (I don’t even remember, I forgot AGAIN, jesus)....and I’m like....uh, I don’t think so? Because I hate Criminal Minds but I actually do watch it on Netflix, but in the background of stuff when I’m working on writing or graphic design stuff from home, and so I’m like, uh, I think I would remember if I’d ever worked on Criminal Minds or at least noticed....and then they’re all, no, I swear, that’s you, and they told me the episode number and I looked it up on Netflix and fast forwarded to the time stamp they gave me and I was like....ohhhhhhh, right, yeah that is me. Wait, I remember that shoot, that was Criminal Minds???? Huh. I had no idea.

I’m not even kidding. This is a real, actual conversation I’ve had with a college friend on facebook.

But yeah, it literally happens all the time to me. People will ask me “so what would I have seen you in” and half the time I legit have to tell them “apparently, the stuff you’re most likely to have seen me in, I completely have no idea where to find it.” Because most of the jobs I’ve had that I really enjoyed and remember fondly were for like, indie movies, or pilots that never got picked up, or this was this car commercial I did that only ever aired in European markets, and shit like that. And IMDB isn’t really much of a help because most actors kinda have to manage their own IMDB pages....to get officially credited via SAG, through IMDB Pro and stuff, either you or your agent or manager have to go through the production itself to get confirmation, and it’s a whole hassle and like.....you all know I’m notoriously ADHD right? LOL.

And I’ve never really had a consistent agent or manager for longer than a couple months, because the level that I’m at career wise, I’ve honestly always done better getting my own work than getting it through agents sending me on auditions. I’ve done two big budget pilots for primetime networks and both of them I got cast because the casting director called me in directly because she remembered me from these three episodes I did on a soap opera eight years ago, random stuff like that and personal networking, that’s how I’ve landed most of my jobs. But that means I’m the only one responsible for maintaining my IMDB page, which given the hoops you have to jump through to get properly credited in a lot of cases, means mine is missing like...a lot. (Also I haaaaate watching myself act on camera, because I’m a perfectionist and super self-critical, so I never seek out my own stuff to watch anyway, I show up, I do the job, I’m done with it, on to the next).

But another example, there’s a pretty popular show that ran on ABC for multiple seasons and is one of the more prominent places where people have seen me and recognized me in something, because like, it’s a one scene role but it’s definitely and clearly me. And so I went to IMDB to check if I was credited for it, because sometimes production does it itself and I don’t always have to do it personally, only....the role is credited....but to some random guy who most definitely is not me. I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t even remember seeing him on that shoot and yes it’s one i actually remember well lol, but from his page it looks like he’s basically a career extra who gets production to credit him when he has significant face time or a nonverbal and nameless but still relevant role - they do that sometimes, so its worth a shot I guess - but anyway, he somehow managed to get credited with my role either by accident or design and I’ve literally been trying for years to get that changed, but since production wrapped years ago it’s a pain hunting the right people down and every time I try and go hey I should finally take care of this, I end up just getting annoyed and go fuck it and give up lmao.

So random funny story to wrap this up........like....six or seven years ago I went down to San Diego to visit my little sister, she’s four years younger than me and so had just graduated college I think. And so I was there for a few days and at one point she wanted to go see this new summer movie that had just come out with Hayden Panettiere in it, that girl from Heroes, though its some other show that my sister was a fan of hers from. I did some stunt work on Heroes once though so that’s what I tend to remember her from, even though I’ve actually worked on a few different things she’s been on.

So anyway, my sister and I are sitting in the middle of the theater watching this movie I’ve never heard of or seen any previews for.....it was one of those generic summer high school/college rom-coms that randomly get sprinkled in amidst summer blockbusters some years. And I’m bored and barely paying attention because I looked up the synopsis before we left and it didn’t grab me and I wasn’t big on any of the cast, so I’m mostly just there to humor my sister because she’s that sibling that every family has where all other siblings fear them. And I’m not like, snoozing or anything, but nothing about the movie is holding my interest so its one of those just kinda...glazed eyes, killing time kinda experiences, and also, parts of it feel very familiar and I’m like....have I seen this before or is it just really really formulaic?

And then my sister full on hits me in the shoulder and hisses “You didn’t tell me you were IN this!” And I’m like, okay first, OW, second....I’m not, I think I would know? And she’s looking at me like I’m the biggest idiot in the world and then gestures super obnoxiously and dramatically (it runs in the family) at the screen and people are starting to look at us, so I’m like I’m looking, jeez, chill....and then its like...huh. Cuz sure enough, there I am. Right in the middle of this big house party scene. That’s definitely me, and suddenly I’m like.....thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’s why I feel like I’ve seen this movie before, I’m remembering the sceeeeeenes I was on set for. Ugh, no wonder I forgot about it, now I’m remembering we shot this one scene right here like 22 times, we spent three fucking days on it, it was annoying as hell.

And my sister’s still looking at me accusingly, like I’ve committed some mortal sin by not alerting her in advance to my presence, or more likely, not having called her to give her every single detail of my experience on a movie she was interested in, and I’m like....what do you want me to say? I didn’t know I was in this!

How do you NOT know you’re in a movie, she wants to know, and we’re whisper fighting in the middle of the theater but luckily nobody seems too mad, the ppl around us look kinda amused actually because they’ve recognized the me next to them as the me on the screen and have overhead enough to get the gist (my sister is a very loud whisperer), and anyway I’m like, I knew I was in A movie, I just didn’t know it was THIS movie, it was one of those Untitled projects I’m pretty sure. I never knew what they ended up calling it!

And she’s like, and you never tried to find out what it was ultimately called or when it would come out at least? Which....no, why would I? It’s a terrible movie, I have zero interest in it.

Finally she’s like ugh, whatever, I still don’t get how you didn’t at least think ‘hey, I was in something with Hayden Panettiere recently, maybe its this’ when I was talking about her being in it. You had to at least know she was in it, you’re standing like....five feet away from her!

And I think I just shrugged at that point, because it was like, yeah, I knew it was her, but I’ve been that close to her a bunch of times, so what? She’s okay I guess but she’s not that great, I didn’t pay that much attention lol. Besides this was actually like a year ago I’m pretty sure, I’ve actually worked on the same set as her like twice since then I think, so.....idk. I probably just thought this was Heroes again? Whatever, it all blurs together and the director was super obnoxious, I remember now. I spent the whole shoot trying to astral project away from there.

I think that was the point where she just gave up on me and idk, knowing her she probably did a super dramatic hair toss and then tried to ignore me for the rest of the movie. Most likely while internally ranting about what a waste it is having an actor brother who doesn’t even care enough to let you know when he’s on set with her like....multiple times. To which I probably would’ve replied I can’t possibly be expected to keep up with her current faves, she changes celeb idols like, as often as she changes her hair color, which is a LOT. Ahem. Anyway. At one point my scene came on where I had actual lines, and I started mouthing them along with the me on screen, which I do admit in hindsight, was probably a Dick Older Brother move on my part, but whatever, she was being totally unreasonable about the whole thing, but then she gave me a Devil Glare and was like “I thought you didn’t remember being in this movie,” and I gave into the compulsion to just go full on Dick Older Brother and was like “I said I didn’t remember the MOVIE, of course I remember my LINES, I’m a professional, Ashley, god”.

Yeah. She was irritated about that for awhile. Oh well. Siblings. What can you do, y’know?

But moral of the story - you’d think, after all that, I’d at least always remember that movie after that happened.

I do not.

I think I’ve told this story to a bunch of people over the years, and every single time they ask me, so what was the movie, I wanna check it out. And to this day, I STILL can not for the life of me remember the fucking title of that movie or even like, what my character’s name was, and I just...never care enough to go try and hunt it down and figure it out.

What’s really bad, is I know for a FACT that multiple people I’ve told this story to have then gone on to hunt it down from Panettiere’s IMDB page on their own, and came back to me like ‘was it this one’ and I’m always like YES! THAT’S IT!

.....two minutes later, I have completely fucking forgotten the name of the movie again.

I SWEAR TO GOD I’M NOT EVEN JOKING. This is just....my brain.

#kalen acts sometimes

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foxy--stoat · 3 years

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sorry if this doesn’t make sense

so i’ve been thinking a lot (wow, what a surprise) and idk I feel like i’m not really dealing with things? and I can’t really tell anyone, so what better to do than to tell the entire world completely anonymously, I guess...? I’m really confused. about everything. but here’s my rant (it’s either going to be 10 pages long or 5 sentences, it can go either way)

I feel like I live in the world of my podcasts and books and tv shows because a world where the mayor uses they/them pronouns, and queerness is a given, or a world where hooded figures won’t let you in the dog park and the city council is a large blob of limbs, or where small silver worms can eat your flesh or where people’s boyfriends are empaths or when giant bats live underground, or when every problem can be solved in a 40 minute episode is so much more exciting than my reality! my life is so predictable, just get up, go be in zoom meetings all day, take a walk, practice cello, exercise, and go to bed again. Nothing happens. but in my tv shows, the words “from beneath you it devours” will pop up again and again and every time I’ll get shivers down my spine because I dont’ know what it means and I do and I know that everything will be ok in less than 10 episodes and if I get sad I can push through the pain push hard through the pain till it breaks, but in real life, the monotony of my life, when I push though the pain and fear and doubt and struggle it just slingshots me back a million miles. and I know, that’s just real life. but when you’re a little kid, you read of all these worlds that you can retreat into, so much excitement and wonder, like narnia, or harry potter, or even the underland! but then you realize that it was all in some stranger’s imagination and it will never be real. so you live your life, and every day is a drop of water on a stone, making a difference, but it won’t show until you’re long dead. and maybe one day it will stop. and it will never show. and all you’ll have to show for your infinitely small life is a falling apart family, a sad group of friends who will later turn you into a cautionary tale for their kids about wearing your seatbelt, or looking both ways before you cross the street, and a stack of books. maybe one day they’ll find your tumblr account and if you were still alive they would have scolded you. “clara!” they would say, voice shaking and mind racing as to what could have made their perfectly goody-two-shoes daughter break such obvious rules “why would you do this? you know that you could be catfished or hunted down!” and what they wouldn’t add is “we thought you were better than this. we thought we could count on you but all you did is let us down and now you can’t have friends or your podcasts or your books or tv or your room and all you can do is sit and stare at the wall and agonize over if Buffy ever defeats the first, or what Rita’s last name is, or what Rose’s story is. they’ll not let you hang out with Jane and Liam, even though you haven’t talked to them for ages, because they’re “bad influences” even though all they did was dye their hair and use the occasional curse word and go on twitter.” when I was in third grade, they were glad I made friends with them. that was when liam was still mila. I only had 2 friends, one of which I hated. (she and I were the perfect example of frenemies, but we’ve grown apart now). but now when I want to hang out, maybe go on a masked walk or facetime, my mom is like “why don’t you hang out with vivian instead? or julianne? or literally anyone else besides your stupid idiotic ‘bad influencing’ elementary school friends, despite the fact that you’ve known them since you were 7.” when I talked to the doctor, she asked me if I did drugs or knew anybody who did. I said no, obviously. (I really don’t). then my mom had the audacity to pull me aside for a moment and say “what about jane and mila? (this was before he was liam)” and I got so mad for a moment, because shaving your head and hanging out with people you hadn’t known since kindergarden is apparently evil and if they rub off on me I’ll be a little devil child. ok, this has turned into a rant about something else. I do this a lot. all of my notebooks are full of me starting to write a short story about something and always, without fail, end up being something awful and ranty. if I ever actually finish anything, I’ll share it on here, but I doubt I will.

so anyway, I feel like every episode of every podcast or tv show or every chapter of every book is like another brick on the wall separating me from my life, and though it feels like it’s keeping me safe, it’s really separating me from what I need - food, water, sunlight (metaphorically. I do eat and drink and sleep and go outside, mostly). Or like I’m digging a hole, and with every shovel of dirt the mound becomes more prone to falling and burying me alive. but I can’t stop, because maybe if I dig deep enough I’ll find something worthwhile, something to keep my trying. something that will stop me from just giving up on life.

ok. whew. that was a lot. I’ve been holding that in for a while and I don’t care if you read it or not, it’s just comforting to know that somebody, somewhere, maybe agrees and can sympathize. maybe they even read this and feel somewhat better knowing that I feel the same way? doubtful, but I’ll keep thinking it. I need the hope.

apologies that this was so long, and apologies in advance for the millions more of these that will inevitably come, probably all very repetitive and nonsensical, but also very therapeudic for me. and I don’t care if this didn’t make any sense because it does to me and ugh not another rant

also sorry for any spelling/grammatical mistakes usually I’m a very grammatical person (at least when I’m talking out loud, idk about when I’m typing) so plz don’t hate me for that

#sorry #i really need to go to therapy #rant #i can't believe i'm posting this

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septicquest · 7 years

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CALLING ALL ARTISTS!

Attention: This is not a Septic Quest page. Rather this is just an announcement that relates to why I have not been posting here for such a long time. idk what will happen to SQ after this and idk how far this thing is going to go. I won’t blame you if you hate me for being hesitant on the matter or if you unfollow me for such an action. But if you do want to participate in this new project of mine, I will love and appreciate the shit out of you even after I die, I swear. Please don’t hate me. Thanks.

So I’m sure ya’ll are aware of this web series thing I’m doing called “Allister & Melody” right? With all the voice acting and the original story and music and stuff? Well if you didn’t know and you’ve been wondering why I haven’t gotten to doing things like Septic Quest and Jacksepticeye, there’s your answer. It’s cuz I’ve been working on an original story with...pretty much everything I just mentioned.

If ya’ll need a little hint about what it’s gonna look like, - here’s a link to the promo. -

However, I have hit a slight dent in the road. Here’s the story.

So who here was here from the very beginning of Septic Quest? You know, like BEFORE Jack started reblogging some pages?...I see a few hands out there. Well anyway, I made a HUGE mistake when I started making this comic. What was it you ask?

I was working on it ALONE!

Which is probably the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life.....okay, maybe not the biggest, but it was a kick in the ass nonetheless. You see, this comic was supposed to be a really really REALLY long story. Like, it had three volumes worth of story. Don’t get me wrong, I love every moment of this story and I wish I could get it out to the world somehow someday, but right now just isn’t the time. However, it is still kinda cannon to the story I’m currently writing. (and don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you can’t accomplish anything big on your own, it’s just really really hard on your physical and mental health if you bite off more than you can chew. Especially if you’re someone like me.)

Why am I telling ya’ll all of this? Well....honestly I’m not really sure myself. idk if I’ll continue the story as a comic or if I’m going to hand if off to someone else anytime soon. My mind is actually focused on Allister & Melody at the moment. So if ya’ll really followed Septic Quest specifically for the Jacksepticeye story, this is pretty much goodbye for another long while. And ya’ll can stop reading at this point and go off on your day. Thanks for listening. ^^

...Still here? Oh cool, hopefully that means you care. Thanks! Although I’ll warn you a second time, from this point on it’s all an announcement about Al & Mel and how I need help on it.

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STILL HERE!? Man, you’re persistent...I like that in you. ^^

Alright fine, no more nonsense. I NEED HELP! I’m on a hunt for awesome artists and/or animators for my thing. I’m hosting an audition for artists to join my rank to make this story come alive! ....uh..speaking of story, maybe I should explain that first before I go any further, shouldn’t I? ^^’

Ya’ll remember Allister, right? He was that tall guy dressed in black in the SQ comic? Leader of Tutopia? Right, that guy. Well that’s him right in the middle of the pic there, and this is him AFTER Septic Quest.

The story is he’s stuck on Earth for unknown reasons (to the audience that is) and is forced to live on Earth with humans and limited powers. Along the way, he meets a young little girl named Melody (the little cutie blond dressed in green) who is strangely an angel almost just like him! Except this little girl is being hunted down by an organization called the Child Protection Agency (CPA) where they take care of lost kids in the streets. Lately, they’ve had their eyes on her because of the powers she has. Allister, being the only one who has actual knowledge of her powers, sees it upon himself to take care of Melody and keep her from any humans who may want to take advantage of her. Along the way, he meets some strange new friends as well as old enemies, and shenanigans ensue thus creating an opportunity for a little show to create!

So there ya go, that’s the synopsis of what’s going on. Now for info on the show itself. Like you saw in the promo (if you clicked it, if not, here it is again), it’s going to have original everything: original voice acting, original score, original animation. But it’s not FULLY animated since that would take WAAAAY too long for just one animator. This is where I need help. I made the mistake of not asking for help when I first created Septic Quest, and so I don’t intend on making that same mistake here. If any of ya’ll are interested in being part of this project along side me as an animator/artist (and/or if you’ve got nothing better to do), this is an opportunity for you!

However, this IS an audition. You are going to have to live up to my standards of art in order to be on this team. You won’t necessarily need to learn how to animate. You’ll mostly need to know how to draw some....complicated poses. All of the art is gonna be done like you see in the promo. I figured that was just the easiest way of doing this. Also, this is all voluntary work, so unfortunately you won’t get paid....I probably just lost a bunch of you just saying that.

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So here’s what you’ll need!

1. Pen Pad/tablet (or whatever you wanna call it) 2. Any GOOD art program you own, like Photoshop, Flash, SAI, ect. Stuff like MSPaint or sketchbook drawings won’t due. If you draw on a mobile device, I’ll have to look at it and approve it cuz that’s always up in the air. 3. A way of exporting files/images to me. A lot of this pics I’m going to want in PNG format, but JPEGs are also fine in some cases. 4. A Skype or Discord to keep in contact with me just to make things easier. If you’re one of those younger kids who have parents who don’t trust you on the internet (you know who you are) then PM me via however you can, weather it’s through this blog or my main blog, my twitter, my DA, my email (if you can find that one), or anywhere else I guess. But preferably, I would like to have you on Skype or Discord.

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If you have these things and you’re STILL interested in helping out, well then here’s how you’ll audition.

The way you’re going to be animating this is I will either give you a shot or a character or even a whole scene to animate depending on where your skills lie. You are first going to give me 3-5 pics of your best art as well as a pic or two of whatever character you want to animate (choose however many you want from the pic above). If you can draw that character well, then I’ll add you to the team. If not, don’t feel bad. I’ve got a special place for ones who try ;)

After that, there’s gonna be more info about how I’m going to separate ya’ll into drawing what. There’s gonna be deadlines for these things, so be prepared for that world of pain. In fact, the deadline for your auditions will be sometime after I get back from Bronycon (August 11-13) where I’ll be part of a panel featuring a sneak peak of the first episode all drawn by me. You can submit your auditions through tumblr submissions cuz idk how to work other internet things that involve submitting things. Submit them with your contact name and who you want to draw. It can be as many characters as you want.

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Okay, just a brief review of auditions cuz I know I’m gonna get questions later:

1. 3-5 pics of your best art. 2. One or two pics of whatever Al & Mel character you wanna animate (can be as many characters as you like. *refer to the pic up top*). 3. No MSPaint or sketchbook picture taken images. Only good digital art. 4. Have a Skype or Discord for contact purposes. 5. Submit to my tumblr @luximus with your pics along with your contact name. 6. Deadline is August 19. I’ll give several heads ups along the way.

If you have any more questions, ask me on my main blog. DO NOT ask in the Septic Quest blogs cuz these are unrelated to SQ. If you do, I won’t be able to answer them for you, so you have been warned. (watch as it happens anyway -_-)

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aaaaand I think that’s about it. Don’t be afraid to submit your stuff early. The earlier, the better! Thanks for listening, happy drawing! ^^

#not a page #announcement #Al & Mel #spread the word!!!

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xander-frost · 5 years

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Updates

Well, at this point today I’ve worked on a ton of different things revolving around my various Writing Projects. And yet I don’t feel like I’ve necessarily addressed much. This isn’t Frost Storm Blogz worthy, and this is beyond just a Twitter feed, so here goes. So what’s been happening? Well it comes as no surprised that my original 2019 plans have been uprooted. After all, for the first half plus of the year I was focusing on Ravenlight #1- Embers of the Past. Writing, editing, reviewing, beta-reader hunting, researching, querying, etc. So while I DID start around March I quickly realized that simply trying to juggle Ravenlight and my other projects was impossible. PLUS I still was not happy with what I was doing for 2019. Off the top of my head I think my original plan was a bunch of fanfics and a few original projects? Light Against Dark was still called Nightwalkers, I think Sins of Fate wasn’t officially named and was going to just be a sequel to Project Dreamscapers, or completely replaced... and gosh, I don’t think I even had a plan for what is now the Stardust Chronicles. I had a Starwars Fanfic planned and a project that would serve better as an animation.

My direction was crap at the time due to all of the Ravenlight focus. Well, I’m glad that I waited. I next planned to start up around August again (with a backlog of chapters) but nope. I only RECENTLY got the last of my plans together and I’m only now conjuring content.

At the same time, I’m STILL awaiting some Query feedback which could throw a wrench into my plans. So I think it would be fair to say my Mid-September Plans for 2019 MIGHT not happen. That’s unfortunate but I want a backlog of content. Plus I’m at a point where, having some form of profit off of my writing, would be nice so there aren’t even guarantees that I’ll be posting freely to Wattpad and Penana unless I can push my Patreon Proper. 2019 is up in the air yet.

What could get in the way of 2019?

Lack of chapters, trying to figure out a PROPER way to monetize my stuff (too bad there isn’t a youtube for writers), looking out for my main project that I want to get traditionally published (as sort of my career backbone) and then editing that whenever it comes back, improper marketing of my content where idk where to post it, things like that.

But how is everything doing?

Honestly, I’d say pretty good. Why don’t we run through everything? I’ll start at the top and run my way down.

Sins of Fate: A project that is a follow up to Project Dreamscapers in essence. It fits into the NEW Celestial Fictional Universe, taking place in the afterlife & the inbetweens that fit into the mortal world. It dives as Heaven & Hell, Elysium & the Underworld, occurrences in the Mortal World, and much more. It is easily my 2nd favourite project, yet at the same time my most difficult to market project.

Considering it focuses on 10 Main Characters and a ton of other primary characters, and looks to integrate a ton of various components, yeah, not easy to explain.

I won’t go into great detail about the characters but let me just say that the direction it is taking is inspired by Bleach, Soul Eater, and Ravenlight all mixing together. I wanted a dynamic cast that I could interchange at will, be it that I just want a few or all of them in a single chapter. Plenty of characters to play off of with a great cast to back them up.

My goal with Sins of Fate- Character Relations.

And let me just say, it has a lot to come to it compared to the original (which was Naruto meets Ravenlight kinda, which sucked) and I can’t wait to share it.

Light Against Dark: A project that is on its second Volume. Not much to really say that hasn’t been said before as I haven’t really changed much with this one. You have the Darkling, you have the oppressive Church, survival is a thing, etc. It’s somewhat all in the new description and I really haven’t opted to change much because I think it works out.

My goal with Light Against Dark- Plot Development.

The Stardust Chronicles: The newest one I’ve messed with that has taken forever to figure out. After the changes with another project I’m going to get into next and Sins of Fate, I zapped a lot of the reason out of this one. On top of having a Starwars fanfic, this being a truly original concept seemed unlikely.

So what happened?

I kept some of the RPG elements, went for a moreso Metroidvania style, added in my own space concepts that Ravenlight won’t see for several novels (probably), scrapped my SW fanfic and took its components, and went from there.

Now we have a project with a vast world (or set of worlds) to explore. Plus, I can try warming up to the tech that Ravenlight will see. Isn’t that fun!?

It took forever to get this one going because I always was either boarderline or scrapping it but finally I have a concept I’m happy with to keep it present.

My goal with Stardust Chronicles: World Building.

Runaways in Time: I talked about this one briefly but it is where the Celestial Fictional Universe ends. A fanfic about the Runaway Guys that is self-explanatory in its description. What I will put forward first is that this is mostly about TRG interactions. Some of the solo aspects of the 20+ characters will be brought in though for some of the people I know next to nothing about (which is probably half) I will just have to see what I can do.

All I can say is that I’m going to have fun being a nerd with this one. Video Games, Film, Animation, etc. I’m going to nerd it up big time and take extremes of the TRG cast we’ve all come to know and love. Will the characters be 100% accurate? Not likely but I’ll do what I can.

So what else is there to say on that note? Frost Storm Blogz is keeping on keeping on where I do updates and then blog about a subject of my choice. I obviously scrapped my Starwars fanfics (for now), I obviously am not planning to do anything else for projects... oh except for one thing.

Ravenlight.

In the future I MIGHT do some side stories that lead up to the first novel, and then once that’s been out for awhile keep on & do post Novel 1 content. Sort of fill in gaps, expand stories, that sort of thing.

I’m not planning to do this until I hear back from an Agent, reason being they might ask me to change this or that. And to be honest, so long as it isn’t a major change, I’ll likely do it.

So future side-projects for Ravenlight will be done whenever I get to that.

So that somewhat summarizes my projects I’ve got planning and when I might start posting, what’s been going on, etc. Other delays might be me moving out, a job popping up sometime finally, my DnD group management, character designs, other RL stuff, etc. Again, too lengthy for a Twitter thread, too projecty exclusive for Frost Storm Blogz, totally Tumblr worthy to summarize.

And with that, thanks for reading.

Until next time~

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