#but yeah. i really am feeling the urge to reinvent my life in this way atm

[polaraffect]

anyone else ever get the sudden yet strong urge to become one of those people who is almost entirely disconnected from the internet and is just exceedingly "eccentric", reading books at odd times and having a little pocket journal and drinking tea perched on a counter.

#damien.txt #i'm going through my pretentious phase again you guys lmao #no but really like it's so to say but sometimes i really do crave disconnecting from everything #like sometimes i wonder if past lives are real just because i feel so absolutely disconnected and lowkey disgusted #by how constantly 24/7 we are all connected to the internet/technology #like sometimes dread fills my entire being at the concept that people in general are expected to always be accessible #but i think this feeling just comes from the crushing weight of expectations or whatever #but yeah. i really am feeling the urge to reinvent my life in this way atm #i know it's unlikely to happen bc i literally grew up on the internet. like i dont think it's possible for me to exist w/o it at this point #but a guy can dream #also i know the things i listed aren't eccentric theres just a vibe i'm thinking of that i'm having a hard time articulating exactly

[sobdasha]

"I definitely updated my list of books I was reading on tumblr so it's all good" -me, a lying liar, right before spending several months finishing my reread of All The Discworld Books I Own But In Chronological Order For The First Time Ever Which In Fact Makes A Difference.

(and then I did it again after the libraries closed)

The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula K. Le Guin Hm, so. I definitely read this. At some point. It was not really for me, not bad, but not really for me. This particular edition had various notes before and after the text, all of which I read, which made it an experience I got more out of. It's important for me to know that the author is aware that the protagonist is a raging misogynist who's stupid, and yes this was on purpose so you'd realize how really incredibly stupid he is and thus maybe be tricked into changing your mind yourself. It is a legit tactic, but one I tend not to enjoy, so if I hadn't been forewarned I'd have been UUUUGGGGGHHHH MAKE HIM SHUT UP ALREADY and probably rage-quit. As it was, I was able to better appreciate what Le Guin was doing here, even if this book didn't win a place in my heart and I probably won't reread. I definitely preferred Ancillary Justice's take, with the feminine pronouns. For my brain, masculine pronouns = they might as well all be men = business as usual = I didn't really get any gender queering from it. I can't really remember much else now. Oh, it was also part "survival in the wilderness" story, which they're big on making you read in school (which I find very suspicious), and which I tolerated and read a few classic ones on my own until they kept assigning these kinds of stories for us to read and now I get nothing from them and mindlessly hate them. Anyway, as I said, not bad at all but not really for me.

Lavinia, Ursula K. Le Guin This one's a reread--I picked it up from the library during college because we were doing Titus Andronicus in class and it didn't occur to me that there might be more than one Lavinia???? But hey it worked out because later in college we did the Aeneid and then I had Background for rereading Lavinia. This is the book that is lyrical and beautiful and pulls me in and makes me care deeply about the world and the characters. This is the book of Le Guin's that makes me feel the way everyone else feels about Earthsea and The Left Hand of Darkness and etc. I would like to find more of Le Guin's work that makes me feel the same way, because as I've said you can really tell from her other stuff that she's a solid writer who knows her stuff. I just…don't enjoy any of the other things. Anyway I recommend. I always forget about this book, and then when I reread I'm like "wow why don't I read this more often?????"

How Long 'Til Black Future Month?, N. K. Jemisin I liked every story in this short story collection. I should just reread it and try writing this up again tbh but also tbh I'll probably do the rereading and then just not write anything up again. Just read Jemisin's stuff I love her writing so much okay. ETA: that’s exactly what I did, I reread this during my covid rereads and said “I should do a proper write-up this time” and lo and behold where is it

Tehanu, Ursula K. Le Guin Okay, this last Earthsea book treated me much better than the others. It's probably not for everyone else, which might be why it's for me. It's much more domestic, much less "plot" happening, full of introspection, and centered on women rather than men. This novel acknowledges and confronts the rampant internalized misogyny in the previous three books, engages it in a way that the misandrist in me finds satisfying even though it never comes to a good solution for the problem. This book is more like a reflection. Earthsea has never been about "light is always good, dark is always bad; be a hero, fight evil" etc. But this one I think shifts the tone a little farther; it's less about balance, and more...I guess I'd put it as, "actions have consequences." It's not concerned with right or wrong, it's concerned with people getting hurt. It's pretty somber and serious, without any humor to balance it out, tons of bad things happen to people, lots of PTSD...but this time I really cared about the characters, and I feel like it was all handled really well? In addition to critiquing internalized misogyny, it also critiqued victim blaming. Seemed like it handled disability pretty well too--was honest about how people are jerks about it in reality, while still being optimistic and treating Therru as valuable; made occasional mentions of considering work-arounds for having only one fully-functional hand, while mostly just having Therru go about living and doing chores and being capable and assuming she did find those work-arounds without having to draw attention to it; and Therru's terrible scars didn't get magically healed at the end, the whole book makes a point all the way through that her physical scars will always be with her the same way her emotional scars will be, and she's simply learned how to go on living with them. Tehanu: a book full of trauma happening to people, where what would normally be the plot in a fantasy novel ended up not even getting started to be resolved, but Le Guin's writing and handling of the subject matter helped heal my jaded soul.

Ninefox Gambit, Yoon Ha Lee A quick summary of my experience: Chapter 1 - ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh what is going on what even Chapter 2 - no, no this is just, this is what sci fi is like, right? Just give it a few chapters and then by the end of the book everything will probably make sense. I'm sure that's how it works. Remember how even in Ancillary Justice I ended up with two separate Battles of Valskay, but now everything is fine??? It's. Fine. Chapter 4 - (ohhhhhhh I still don't know what's going on) Several Chapters Later - still no clue what's going on, but hit my stride with the terminology, my foreign language instinct kicked in where words stopped sounding weird and while I could not for the life of me define any terms for you, I had a vague comprehension of how the words operated In Context. Sort of. And by then I had, without realizing it, begun page-turning and binging, so I guess I liked the book lol! Another serious-but-not-funny one, but with an extra dose of War Memoir and all the gruesomeness that entails (but probably, like any good War Memoir, probably not actually gratuitous and actually in fact the necessary amount of gruesome). Jedao was turned into a woobie at the last minute and, well, damn, guy knows the way to my heart. The novel apparently gripped me enough that I don't even mind that it only came into play at the very end of the game. And hey, there's two more novels to deal with that revelation, which I have picked up from the library to read immediately! Yay! Current personal theory: based on the heavy math references that made me want to cry at the start, but the almost entire absence of actual numbers, and a reference to "there's no way actual physics works like that, it was obviously a calendrical effect" or something…I'm going to throw out a wild guess that the calendar stuff (and all the social structuring that goes with it) is so that they can break and reinvent math. So they can effect a universe where 2+2=5 and therefore a bunch of people standing in this exact position makes a force field or bullets of rose thorns or whatever and some other dude can make himself immortal. This sounded like a pretty terrible theory already and it sounds even worse now I've typed it up but oh well.

Raven Stratagems, Yoon Ha Lee Guess who didn't write this up back when she read it!!! Also, I returned Ninefox Gambit to the library right before the libraries shut down for covid. So, I had Raven and Revenant on hand for months but I didn't have Ninefox on hand to do an immediate reread to see if that made the sci fi make more sense. (It probably wouldn't have, but I would have liked to do a rereading while the ending was still fresh.) By this time there is a lesser degree of visceral viscera. Lee is brutal, however, about continuing to be honest about what war costs and whether war is worth that cost (which depends, really, on whose lives you think matter. Very relevant for these times. Very much prepared me to shut up and not whine about the inconveniences of protests and their fallout. There is no pretty and clean way to have a revolution, since it involves destroying a particular [terrible] way of life, so we're all just gonna have to sacrifice together). Also I think by this point all the character development from the first novel paid off in the form of character dynamics being hilarious now despite, y’know, the gruesome shadow of war.

Revenant Gun, Yoon Ha Lee Continues to discuss the honest price of war and the messiness of fallout. Shuos "The risks I took were calculated, but boy am I bad at math" Jedao. Oh I think this is also the one where every so often one of the characters thinks, "Okay so this person is a tyrannical murderous dictator but he is ensuring that there will never again be food shortages and no one in the space empire ever goes hungry." And then Lee turns around and is like, "Haha but don't forget this same person invented a form of vital infrastructural technology (and also immortality) that is optionally based off ritual human torture sacrifice. Like he didn't have to do that to make it work. He just decided to anyway. And that's always bad :) " (Also useful in our current climate of "Okay but we should consider the other person's circumstances and point of view" and also "Yeah but that doesn't apply if they're literally Nazis tho.")

Hexarchate Stories, Yoon Ha Lee A collection of short stories set in the universe of those three books. There's one story at the end that does satisfy the "But I wanted another sequel!!!" urge. And there's a bit of backstory for Jedao and Cheris. But by and large what you should be in the mood to read is flash fiction snippets that simply happen to be set in the same universe but have no bearing on the plot. Which is pretty cool and interesting if you are in the proper mindset! Even better, Lee includes author's notes at the end of each story to talk about the story, or the influences, or the context of his life at the time, etc etc. That is always my absolute favorite part of a short story collection. Also these notes told me everything I needed to know about why I liked certain things about his writing. "I wanted to write my own AUs," "If I get stuck I go on TV Tropes," "My only regret is that I had to cut the scene where Jedao goes to ~Halloween~ dressed as himself and trolls people" ahhhh that's also a regret I share.

Dragon Pearl, Yoon Ha Lee This one is YA! There is a lot less gore although I guess there was still genocide! Read this when you are in the mood for something that doesn't attempt to hide the fact that the plot is completely, conveniently contrived to give you fast-paced action and fun. Min sure has a lot of coincidental meetings that should stretch my disbelief but I don't care. Also, I am enjoying reading books with girls as protagonists that do what I'm tired of being told to love about boy protagonists--just keep barreling along with complete self-assurance that you are right and, if you run into trouble, you can egotistically figure your way out.

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, N. K. Jemisin Gods and mortal ruling family's messy soap opera sexcapades is not exactly my favorite genre, but luckily it is handled by Jemisin so it's all good. Lots of Souma Family Values. I'm really appreciating how Jemisin considers choice of narrator very carefully and uses it to brilliant effect in this trilogy. Stories are things told by a narrator to an audience; why should we rely on the artifice of an "impartial" "reliable" "omniscient" 3rd person narrator writing into the void? This trilogy was Jemisin's first, I believe, so it's a little awkward coming back to them now, only because Jemisin is such a powerful writer that the themes she's begun working with here have only gotten stronger with each successive work.

The Broken Kingdoms, N. K. Jemisin This one I rated as I read for Protagonist Is Blind based on the scale of a sighted person going "but some of my best friends are blind!" In that regard, I think the book does really well! Blindness doesn't define Oree's life and value; Oree doesn't get magical powers that make her a blind person who isn't really blind; Oree moves away from home and gets a job and lives on her own which seems very accurate to me based on my knowledge of one (1) person who is blind; instead of being ~cured~, Oree actually gets more blind at the end of the story and this is considered a Good Ending. Also personal bonus points are awarded for references to her stick being handy for hitting people with. Some stuff was stereotypical, but Jemisin's intent was not. A+, will read again, please support including way more characters who are blind in media. Anyway I enjoyed this one.

The Kingdom of Gods, N. K. Jemisin First off, Jemisin directly up front critiques the narration choices she made in the first two books and then pays it off like a boss at the end. Like holy crap. I admit by now I was getting a bit bored of the genre, but the book was still very engaging because Jemisin is a master. It may also have been affected by how much increasing pain I've been in lately.

The Awakened Kingdom, N. K. Jemisin I'm dead. This one was way more my speed and you need the other three books to understand this novella but ohhhh my god it's perfect. I read a lot of choice passages of this aloud to my roommate because how could you resist. It's still heavy but it's hilarious. Bless Shill.

#sobdasha booking

[starlightsunflowers]

5:05pm 9/10/19

I just got home from work, what an absolutely miserable day. I don’t think i can work there, just too much stress and it’s not at all what i thought it’d be. I can’t do it, the whole day i couldn’t focus on anything and i just don’t want to be there.

For some reason between today and yesterday i keep seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere and it honestly is killing me inside. I think i’ve come to a conclussion that i’m never going to have my own kids. I’ve been thinking a lot about if i can just find a really nice girl that has a family of her own already but is single, i’d like to be what i needed so desperately as a kid and i’d like to be their father figure. I don’t think i can trust anyone enough to have a child of my own with them, the thought hurts but i guess time will tell. I don’t know that i’ll ever even find anyone else anyways, some people just grow old alone and that’s the way it is.

I’m distancing myself from everybody. Like you taught me i shouldn’t trust everybody. So i’m starting fresh, not telling anyone anything, going to basically go mad inside my own head from being completely alone with my thoughts. When you told me to be careful who i trust i had no idea you were talking about yourself but yeah i trusted you, not completely but enough to shatter my heart. So now nobody gets my trust anymore, nobody deserves my trust anymore. A person can only take so much before it changes them and they become someone new and i think that’s what’s next for me. Reinvention.

I’m making a doctors appointment tomorrow for my 4 week checkup and to hopefully see if they have something a little stronger. The urge to cut has been as constant as a runny nose in the middle of winter. The one thing i’m going to take from you is your location. I can’t do it in plain sight anymore, i need to start doing it where nobody else can find it, somewhere covered and hidden. I just need to feel again.

I hope you know when you were behind me this morning my heart was beating out of my chest, it was physically painful to me. I pray to god you’re okay. I pray you never feel as low as i have the past couple days. The sleeplessness is catching up with me and i zone out and dose off while doing everything. Just a general lack of focus with everything i do. Nothing brings me joy. The world seems to have turned a few shades grayer and the night time feels so alien and lonely. Everyone keeps asking if i’m okay and i don’t know what to say, they don’t get it. They think you’re someone i can just move past and forget and that has never been the case since the day we met. It terrifies me that i could spend the rest of my life and not get over you. It scares me even more that i’d take you back in a heartbeat. I wish you’d kill me because i can’t do it myself. I guess maybe i’m already dead, just a hollow body being guided by a broken soul. You’ll likely never read this anyways but i hope you’re okay, i hope you’re happy, i hope you get enough sleep, i hope you’re eating enough and drinking enough water. I hope you find exactly what you need in life. I hope nobody else ever hurts you as i have. I am sorry

[imagining-supernatural]

My Mom Is A Bitch And I Do NOT Like Her So Much

Chapter 6 of Life Changes (Hopefully For The Better)

Summary: Nat reacts to my bombshell about me being in love with her, the conversation turns around until she’s plotting a murder, and the truth comes out about me and Bucky. All in all, a productive night.

Warnings: We’ve got our usual foul mouth in here

Word Count: 1334

I kept my eyes on Nat, watching her reaction closely. And from the way she froze, I could tell that she hadn’t had a clue about my feelings for her. Slowly, ever so slowly, she turned around. “What?”

A small huff of air escaped my lips in a small laugh and I looked down at the table with a small grin. “I was in love with you. Or, I don’t know. Huge crush. I just… You know my mom. You know a little about what I grew up in. College was my fresh start. A chance to get away and reinvent myself and I got here and my roommate was this gorgeous, confident girl and how could I not fall in love with you?”

“I—but—you never—”

“Wow. I’ve struck Natasha Romanoff speechless. Didn’t know that was possible.” Because this was definitely the time to joke. “It’s all good, Nat. I realized lately that I wasn’t in love with you so much as the version of you I had in my head. And I reinvented myself to be someone that my version of you would like. And thank God I was too scared to tell you before, because that would have been a disaster and your rejection would have nearly killed me and we wouldn’t be friends now because I would be far too embarrassed to ever talk to you again.”

“You… loved me?”

“I still do. But as a friend. My best friend. And as my best friend, I want you to believe me when I say that the person I’ve become is one hundred percent the person I want to be. Not the person anyone else wants me to be. Not the person I think someone else would like better. You just haven’t seen me become this person because you’ve been with Steve and I’ve taken advantage of that space to get over the crush I had on you.”

“Wait, hold up. Back up. You… you liked me?”

And that was the first moment the panic hit me. I’d come to terms with everything. I was just fine with how everything was. I was expecting Natasha and me to continue being friends.

But what about her?

Would she be able to get past this?

“Yeah. Nat, I… I don’t want this to make things weird between us.”

She shook her head in slight disbelief and turned back to the stove.

“Nat, really. Anything I can say or do to keep things good between us… let me know. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You mean you don’t want to lose my mac and cheese skills.”

My shoulders relaxed in relief. A joke. That was a good sign. “I’d rather die than go back to Kraft.”

“I’d rather die than see you go back to Kraft.”

“We good?”

She turned back and nodded. “I’ll probably be processing for a bit, but yeah. And you know the directive is still in place, right?”

“Oh, god. What are you going to ask me now?”

“You and Bucky.”

Once again, her eyes held a question that she expected me to know, but I had no idea what she was asking. I’m sure it wasn’t something I wanted to answer though. I’d just admitted past feelings for one of my friends. I really didn’t want to deal with anymore feelings tonight. “Me and Bucky… what?”

“Are you two, you know…”

“I don’t know. You’ll have to be more blunt.”

She leaned back and regarded me carefully. “I see it now.”

This time, I just stayed silent. I mean, whatever I said could and probably would be used against me. So it seemed like the best course of action.

“I never saw you as a lawyer before. But I can see it with this new Y/N.”

Perfect segue away from me and Bucky. “Yeah, well, that’s going to have to wait for a while.”

“School. What’s up with that?”

And she took the bait! “End of last semester I got in an argument with my mom. I don’t even remember what it was about, but it ended with her disowning me so I am completely cut off from the family money and on my own and I can’t afford school right now. I’ll go back in a year when I’ve saved up enough.”

“That BITCH!” she yelled, and the video game induced cursing from the living room shut off. “Fuck, I’m going to get a flight out to Chicago right now and give her a fucking piece of my mind. She can’t just—”

“Nat! Nat, Nat… It’s fine. It’s all good. Calm your tits. I’m good. This is for the best.”

“She treats you like shit for your whole life and has the nerve to disown you? Now? You’re, like, a year from getting into fucking law school!”

“I’m free now, though. I… It was my biggest fear to get cut off and have nothing to fall back on, but now? I’m not scared that I’ll do something to make her mad. I can fucking live my own life how I want. Sure, it sucks to go from an inheritance to having only what I earn as a secretary at a law firm, but… I don’t know. I like it.”

Nat glared at me, fire in her eyes. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to punch her.”

“Same, girl. But I’m never going to see her again.”

“Everything okay in here?” Steve asked cautiously, peeking into the kitchen. Bucky’s shadow on the floor behind him. “Who are we punching?”

“No one,” I said at the same time Nat spat out, “Y/N’s absolute monstrous bitch of a mother.”

Steve and Bucky came more fully into the room and Bucky’s blue eyes landed on me, silently asking if I was okay. I just nodded. “It’s fine. I swear. Nat and I just had a lot of catching up to do. Nothing to worry about.”

“Except fucking bail money after I get arrested for killing her,” Nat muttered.

“You wouldn’t get caught.”

“True.” She visibly forced her muscles to relax and her nerves to calm down, though her smile was still tight when she looked at the boys. “We’re good. You can go back to your game.”

Steve hesitated briefly before turning back. Bucky didn’t move for a second, and as close as I was growing to him, there was a lot of personal shit coming out of my mouth at the moment and I didn’t particularly want him eavesdropping. So I slid off of the bar stool and gently urged him towards the kitchen door. “Go, or you won’t get any mac and cheese.”

“You wouldn’t be that mean.”

“Try me, Barnes. Girl time is sacred.”

His eyes flickered over my shoulder for a second before his hand landed on my hip and he pulled me with him into the hallway, just out of sight of Nat. “Enjoy your sacred girl time now, because tonight? You and me, doll.”

“Bucky, I—” We hadn’t had sex since I moved in Monday morning. It just felt weird with other people in the house. Besides, now I’d acknowledged my growing feelings for him, who know what can of worms this would open up. “You know I’m not quiet.”

A wolfish grin covered his lips and the hand on my hip pulled me into his body. “Who said I want you to be quiet?”

All I could do was draw in a quick breath before he kissed me, hard and unrelenting.

Just as quickly as it began, he pulled away and walked backwards to the living room, throwing a wink my way before disappearing from view.

When I walked back into the kitchen, Nat was waiting with a raised eyebrow. “So, you and Barnes?”

She hadn’t seen him kiss me out there, so I could lie my way out of this one. But with all of the other truth coming out tonight, I figured what the hell, right?

“Yeah, we’re fucking.”

Secrets? What are those? Guess everything just came spilling out tonight! Here’s a tidbit on my bitch of a mother, and Nat seemed to react well to my bombshell about being in love with her. What do you think? Let me know HERE!

Next Chapter: Heart To Heart Attack To (Hopefully Not) Heart Break

Series Taglist OPEN! Add Yourself HERE

Bucky Babes: @lavieenlex @hallow-hazel @infinity-dreamchaser @clintawcoffeenobarton  @amomenttowrite @zanthiasplace @clairese1980 @bandbandeau @zahiaouzidane @li-ssu @mogaruke @molly-hooperific

Life Changes Tags: @animegirlgeeky @jennell79

#buckyxreader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #buckyxreader au #bucky barnes x reader au #natasha x reader #marvel oneshot #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes au

[geek-gem]

Metal Sonic

I’m gonna put some exuse me burp just some spoilers in this for some things. Also had to click on here twice. But I wanted to write this and I’m on my phone. Just I’m a bit nervous. I’ve honestly wanted to talk about Sonic related stuff.

I like the character of Metal Sonic. But I think I like him a lot due to thinking he can have so much more lol reference with his character. I think it’s mainly the Sonic OVA movie I honestly adore and liking what they did with his character. But I don’t know if theirs much to talk about.

Yet I seriously do like Metal Sonic as a character and honestly wished they could do more with his character.

Really in a way these ideas have been done before. Yet I’ve noticed writers have tried to do new things with Metal and I keep thinking my ideas are like fan fiction lol since I am a fan.

What I’m trying to say is I do love the idea well it’s this idea and the Sonic OVA movie talks about this how Robotink/Eggman got Sonic’s thoughts and memories and other things to complete the transformation of Metal. I have not seen the movie in quite some time. Yet it’s this idea cause of having Sonic’s memories and other things. This some how even gives Metal more of a free mind.

Sorry trying to be understandable but it’s this idea Metal develops more then a robotic clone of Sonic who can be better then him. He actually remembers and knows everything in Sonic’s head. On a funny note think of the STRANGE ISN’T IT scene mate lol. Yet other things.

It’s this idea of despite he finds out his whole purpose in life was to only kill Sonic. Yet he seriously questions his own existence of what should be his purpose his own purpose. The more he thinks about it the more he realizes it. But I do remember and learning he has this idea that their can be only Sonic and that should be him.

Mainly this whole idea is that cause of Incorporating Sonic’s personality in his mindset. He’s seriously question his purpose in life. Such as ideas of what it feels like to be a normal being. Also this idea him gaining a voice that is similar to Sonic but different enough it can be his own.

Okay I’m gonna open a new screen. I’m gonna link this lol funny short yet sad man. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3ChEsjyei7c there got it man lol but it’s kind of a more serious version of that.

Sorry I’ll just put it in a nutshell almost left out heh. It’s basically this man

Metal Sonic: father I realize you only made me to kill Sonic. After that what else is that all to my existence. Yet also I’m am in his image. What would you do with me help you with your army or just….I’m having this idea what ifs theirs more to life. I’m realizing more and more of that. The idea I can try to have my own purpose in life but I’m still just the robotic image of some one else. I want to have a purpose in life I know theirs killing Sonic but no I want to just I don’t know father can you help me

Dr. Robotink/Eggman: do you think I care also I’m not your father yet in a way I am

Lol

Metal Sonic:…….I have no father He just walks away the only person in his life or some how in a way his father just flat out and I turned can into care lol and Cate you get what I mean

Honestly these ideas are for some of how I would handle the Sonic franchise if I could only work with the games. All started with adaptation ideas for Sony’s Sonic movie in 2018 lol if their was ever sequels. Honestly some of them Shadow’s story is almost the same yet more deep and some things added, Silver has been reinvented being from Blaze’s world yet I’m worried of what people would think ha man.

But it’s characters like Dr. Robotink/Eggman and Metal Sonic who got a bit more deep. Despite the doctor almost left bot ha yet….him not being like from certain shows and comics.

This was an idea that well Ivo has a family such as siblings and parents. They’ve disowned him since he uses their names Robotink despite they changed their last name cause of the events that happened on the Ark and supposedly what happens in Sonic Adventure 2’s story line but their found out.

Also the fact he has a sister or brother who have families now and children who don’t know who their uncle is until they found out. They mainly disown Robotink/Eggman cause of who he is.

Almost put lol also again and out. But the end of this Metal Sonic story line and I’m mainly trying to adapt and respect certain characters game origins ha. Such as Metal Sonic and Amy Rose first appearing in Sonic CD with the Little Planet being a bit focus with the good and bad futures but yeah heh man.

Yet the ending I keep thinking after some what Metal Sonic in a way dies and is some what a hero. Sonic manages to grab a piece of Metal Sonic and give it to Robotink/Eggman and the doctor realizes how he treated Metal Sonic is the reason how he became. Only treating him like a robot and seeing Metal develop more of a mindset and curious about the world. The Doctor actually takes off his glasses revealing his eyes and sheds some small tears that everyone can see. Since he realizes and him saying he didn’t just lost his greatest creation, he also lost what was his in a way his one and only son. Including admitting he destroyed his own life considering his family hates him and that he does not deserve a family.

Honestly a lot of things stories revolve around family of how it deeply affects characters heh. Sorry I’m at Pizza Hut gonna finish this pizza lol and put tags. Meh removed Metal Sonic twice the tag lol gonna get more dr. Pepper cartoon Network one lol on phone must stop um heh…..

Sorry I wanted to talk about this. I’ve been wanting to talk about deep related Sonic stuff and control certain urges like right now heh

Edit got that shit done heh but must finish pizza. Yet worried about making Metal Sonic some what an anti hero heh heh um heg

#sonic the hedgehog #metal sonic

[yourobedientslytherin]

The Upper Hand: Jefferson x Reader {Part 4}

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 

Hamilton - Modern AU (Law School)

Jefferson x Reader

1907 words

Part 4 is here!! As you can probably tell, I write too much (some may even say non-stop!). So there will probably be 3-4 more parts before this story concludes. Enjoy Part 4 of The Upper Hand. 

Nearly fifty drunk and rambunctious law students are crammed into Angelica and Peggy Schuyler’s apartment, mingling and dancing to loud RnB music playing through Hercules Mulligan’s borrowed speakers. The HamilSquad has started a rap-off in the living room, which has drawn quite a large crowd as Hamilton and Lafayette go toe to toe. In the junction between the entryway and the hallway to the bedrooms, Thomas and James laugh at Aaron Burr’s reenactment of Hamilton and Samuel Seabury’s debate in Washington’s class earlier that week.

As Burr delivers the punchline, Thomas finds Y/N in the crowd. She’s leaning against the counter in the kitchen, holding a red Solo cup in one hand. He watches her chat animatedly with Angelica, finding himself smiling with her when she laughs at her own joke.

Nudging Thomas with his elbow, James clears his throat. “T, are you listening?”

“What? Uh, yeah.” He tears his eyes from Y/N and grins at Burr. “Funny.”

“Hey,” James says quietly, moving Thomas discreetly away from Burr. “Is there something going on that I should know about?”

“No! Why would you think that anything is going on between me and Y/N?” He knows James can see through his fake indifference, but that just makes him fight even harder to keep up appearances.

“Thomas, I’m your best friend. Let’s be honest with each other. She’s been over a couple times—”

“We’ve just been working on our project.”

“Sure. I get that. But it’s gotten weird. You cleaned the apartment; you never do that. And one time you baked cookies. Don’t try to deny it, T. I saw the frozen premade dough wrapper in the trash.”

Thomas rubs the back of his neck roughly. “I just wanted cookies, James. What’s wrong with that? And the apartment was a disaster, honestly. I was doing a public service.”

James merely raises an eyebrow and takes a sip from his cup.

“Seriously! There’s nothing going on between us.”

Incredulous silence.

“I’ll prove it to you right now.”

Thomas pushes his drink into James’ hands and walks over to Y/N and Angelica. When he gets within earshot, he hears Y/N laughing and a pang of regret at what he’s about to do goes through his chest. She tugs at her silky blue dress and grins at Angelica.

“Oh, thanks. It was a gift!”

Her dress hugs her waist and hips, highlighting her hourglass figure, and Thomas, not for the first time, notices how in shape she is. Her hair hangs down her back in loose ringlets. She really is stunning, he realizes.

The subject of her and Angelica’s conversation is wrapped around Y/N’s fingers: a thin silver necklace with some sort of pendant hanging off the end. It looks expensive, something a woman wouldn’t buy for herself. Does she have a boyfriend?

He sees James in the corner of his eyes, standing with his arms crossed and incredulous expression. Thomas clears his throat and steps into Angelica and Y/N’s conversation.

“Where’d you get the bling, Y/N?” he asks, the pang of jealousy that rips through his chest making it easier for him to speak harshly to her. “That looks too expensive for you.”

She looks up at him in shock and disbelief. He can tell by the way her face flushes that he has awoken that infamous temper of hers. “No, Jefferson, it was just a gift from a friend.”

“Did you find yourself a sugar daddy? That would explain how you’re paying your way through school. I doubt that any guys interested in you could be able to afford such an expensive piece of jewelry.” He takes a step closer to highlight their height difference, staring down at her with practiced scorn. “And, yes, I am insinuating that the only guys you could get would be farmers.”

He thought that she would shoot back an insult as powerful his, that somehow her power to hurt him back would soothe his conscience. But the expression on her face—betrayal, hurt, sadness—makes him regret his actions even more. He frowns, confused. Did she think they were friends? Something more? Did he actually have a shot with her? Oh, shit. What have I done?

Her face crumples into a sob, and she pushes past him.

“Wait, Y/N!” he calls out after her, his fingers skimming her elbow.

She looks up at him through her tears and shakes her head, disappointed. Then she disappears into the crowd.

“Nice, Jefferson,” Angelica says. “You’re such a dick.”

She leaves as well, leaving Thomas standing alone at the party. He presses his fingertips to his temples and lets out a long sigh. Her look of disappointment triggered something in his subconscious. Where is this guilt coming from? This feeling of loss? Does he have feelings for her?

“You really showed me.” James appears over Thomas’ shoulder and hands him a much-needed drink. “If I ever thought you had feelings for her, that little performance of yours proved that you didn’t.”

Thomas silently grips his red Solo cup and stares at the beer inside.

“No man who loves a woman would treat her as terribly as you just did.”

“I get it, Madison,” Thomas mutters through gritted teeth. “Ugh, what do I do?”

“Go talk to her, T. She deserves to hear an apology from you.”

Thomas nods in agreement and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “So you’re okay with this? With me being friends with her?”

“I’m surprised, definitely,” James admits calmly. “But I’m cool with you being friends with her, or more, if she doesn’t hate you forever after this stunt you just pulled.”

His taller friend winces at the memory and claps him on the back. “Thanks, Madison. You’re a pretty good friend.”

“Only pretty good?”

“You knew that I had feelings for her. A great friend would’ve stopped me from insulting her.”

“I just thought you’d admit your feelings to me, T. You did the rest all on your own. Now go get her. You’re just wasting time with me.”

“Thanks, man.”

Thomas finds her in one of the bedrooms, sitting on the edge of the neatly made bed. Her elbows rest on her knees as she stares at the floor. He closes the door behind him and quietly walks up to her. She sniffles and swipes at the wetness on her cheeks, looking up far enough to recognize his magenta blazer before settling her eyes on Angelica’s bookshelves.

He stands awkwardly to her right, heart beating wildly as he tries to think of a way to apologize properly.

“I don’t belong here,” she murmurs into her hand.

He frowns. “Um, no, I guess you don’t. This is Angelica’s room.”

“No, Jefferson. I mean I don’t belong here at law school. No matter how much I try to reinvent myself, I will always be that little farm girl from Nebraska.”

Fearing that he will sound cheesy or insincere if he says anything in consolation, Thomas silently takes a seat next to her on the bed, making sure there is adequate space between them, and listens as she elaborates.

“Nobody in my family has gone to college, much less grad school. I’m the first one. They all said I couldn’t do it, that I was dreaming too big and should stick to what I know—farming. Not even my own parents believed in me. I worked my ass off in high school and got a full-ride to Nebraska State University in Lincoln. But even when I graduated with honors and a 4.0 they never said ‘good job’ or that they were proud of me.”

She looks up at him with tears in her eyes, and he puts an arm around her. He remembers all the times his parents have praised him for less-than-stellar achievements. He got prizes for participation and being average. And yet, Y/N worked her ass off all those years and never got any words of encouragement from her family. Leaning into his embrace, she sniffles and weakly laughs.

“When I came here, I hoped that I could ignore my humble beginnings and be known for my hard work and knowledge. But I told someone about my past, and soon everyone knew. They judge me based on my background. Like my parents’ success somehow determines the maximum of my potential.”

“Every time I made a joke about Nebraska or being a farm girl or your grades I reminded you that you’d never be good enough.”

She nods, and his heart breaks a little.

“Y/N,” he says after a moment of silence between the two, “I didn’t realize that my words affected you so much. I was cruel and insensitive and there is no excuse for how I treated you. I think that when I met you, I saw that you had all the characteristics of a great lawyer—tenacity, hard work, loyalty, compassion—and I realized that you’d make a better lawyer than me. I’ve gotten through life by coasting on my reputation, good looks, and money, but you actually deserve what you have, plus much more. You earned your grades and your class ranking. You are amazing and kind and brave and loyal and don’t take shit from anyone. I respect that.”

When she pulls away, he panics, thinking that she’s going to yell at him for his actions. Instead, she looks him in the eyes, and whispers a simple “Thank you, Thomas.”

A tear courses down her cheek. He wipes it away with the pad of his thumb, tenderly cupping her cheek in his hand. Her eyes close, and he has an opportunity to look at her up close, to really study her. The slope of her nose, the her damp eyelashes, the indent above her rose-colored lips. She looks so vulnerable and innocent; he has the sudden urge to kiss her.

His hand drifts back to the back of her head, his fingertips dangling in her curls. Her lips part slightly as her breathing shallows. His eyes close as he leans closer, his pulse quickening in anticipation of contact that never comes.

There’s a crisp knock on the door, and the two fly apart, hearts racing.

“Lafayette! You in there?”

“No!” Thomas answers, gritting his teeth.

The person on the other side of the door walks away. Y/N and Thomas sit in awkward silence. She smoothes her skirt and fixes her hair. Thomas runs a hand through his hair and grimaces.

“It’s probably—” “We shouldn’t—”

They both speak at once and laugh.

“You first,” she says.

“I was gonna say that it’s probably good that that person interrupted us,” Thomas says.

She frowns. “You don’t want to kiss me?”

“No! I did. I do! But not here. Not like this.”

“What’s wrong with here?”

“It’s, uh, Angelica’s bedroom, for one. And you’re emotionally vulnerable right now. I don’t want to take advantage of you. Let me take you out on a date!”

She stares at him, her expression unreadable. His mind goes into hyper-drive, wondering what he said that was wrong. “That is, if you want to,” he rambles nervously. “I don’t even know if you like me. I mean, I just insulted you, like, half an hour ago. There’s no pressure at all. I just think you’re cute and nice and you get me mad a lot, which for some strange reason I like. And I—”

“Thomas!”

“Yeah?”

“I’d love to.”  

#hamilton #thomas jefferson #thomas jefferson x reader #the upper hand

[casimania]

I love your Chloe/Dan/Lucifer/Pierce. What head cannon do you have for them?

Gosh thank you! I have lots of headcanons actually, I do want to write a couple of fics about them and there’s a lot of ways they could go.

But mainly (goddamn this got so long, I rambled a lot sorry):

Chloe, Lucifer and Dan get together just as season 3 starts. When Pierce shows up they’re still settling in (there’s lot of settling in to do, from Lucifer suddenly seeing on a daily basis Dan and Chloe being parents and having to deal with his own parental issues, to Divine bullshit happening to Chloe and Dan getting used at being in a relationship again with all their past issues). There’s a lot of ways they could come together: Dan and Lucifer sort of stumbling in a relationship while pining after Chloe and Chloe having complicated feelings (she Wants but Dan has already fucked her over once and Lucifer is sometimes erratic and self-destructive and she’s always second guessing everything). Or Dan and Lucifer becoming friends and Dan gets an accidental Devil reveal and gets out of it with a stronger bond with Lucifer and it helps Lucifer deal with his feelings with Chloe and confess (and after they shack up Lucifer belately realizes he has similar feelings for Chloe and Dan has been pining over both the whole time and Chloe has been battling resurfacing feelings for Dan but thinks she’s just being a sappy fool). Or even they just slowly come together at the same pace. They don’t even notice they’re basically doing family stuff together like “we’re just friends what are you talking about ah ah” but daydream about domestic stuff all the time and a lot of people genuinely think they’re all an Item. 

I want Pierce role as the Sinnerman to be different also, just because. Less Murdery Crime Boss, more Espionage. Like a spy network. He’s hold and knows Things. His schtick is that if you fuck up he will know. He torments families for generations until their sins aren’t relevant anymore (but a lot of people do fucked up shit along the way so he gets more ammo for another couple generations). The Sinnerman name comes from this in this AU, he knows you sins and your forefathers’ ones. I really want him to emply the fact he’s the older human on Earth. He knows shit about everyone and he has tangible evidence to twist your arm. He has a chockehold on a lot of families. It’s also useful to reinvent himself or hide his tracks. I got the impression in canon the Sinnerman deal isn’t too old, here instead it’s been going on for longer. Less bloody but more deeprooted. Which is why it’s a big surprise when the Decoy Sinnerman starts offing people in fucked up ways. Pierce left him some liberty while trying to keep himself clean while working for the Law but that’s a bit too much. Also doesn’t make sense, starts getting actually worried when he notices he’s being slowly cut off from most of his sources. While killing the people making Deals with Lucifer the fake Sinnerman has also been offing people Pierce personally dealt with. And Pierce was so focused on Lucifer and Chloe and his goal he only realizes when his only option is to band together with them and Dan to bring him down.

Except, surprise! In this AU the fake Sinnerman is gonna be involved with Celestial bullshit on an Apocalyptic level so they really really have to work together. Cause since I’m hell bent on woobifying Pierce I need a big bad for them to join forces against. And I always felt like the decoy Sinnerman was heading towards something big only to be offed in an anticlimatic way (I guess it could make sense since the real dangerous big bad ended up Pierce in the end, but it’s nice to expand that role a little). And of course Pierce’s whole Cain deal comes out in the open and differently than in canon. And Chloe and Dan discover too. Which makes for some awkward (for Chloe and Dan) interactions at work. Like this is our boss, who is also literal Cain From The Bible and is Immortal AND a crime boss AND meets up like weekly to be killed by our boyfriend what the fuuuuuck.

Lucifer goes down a self acceptance journey (accepting himself as not a wretched monster who poisons and ruins everything he touches, but also accepting that not everything that happened to him  was personally enacted by his father but it’s either shitty circumstances and consequences and his subconscious acting up) while Pierce gets some sort of redemption arc. Or “take responsibility you self-victimizing asshole”. I see Canon Cain as being Bad(tm) both because he downright said so (his saying Lucifer wanted to be Good was pretty telling that he, instead, embraced the role humanity seemingly gave him and reveled in it). He needs to realize he both has to admit he made mistakes and bad things on his own and to actually make the good choice for once. Cain at first was just like “God, my family and the whole of humanity says I am a mosnter and the source of Evil in man. So there’s no point in trying to be good. I’ll just do bad shit and it will be THEIR fault, not mine. I’ve been pushed into it”. He’ll need to put his big boy pants and do some soul searching. Instead of always running away. Similar to Lucifer, yet Lucifer, even while embracing his Evil Devil Role always desperately wanted to be good in his core. He’s a very human Devil while canonly Pierce was a human who pretty much shed his humanity. So yeah, he’s gonna face reality and I’m gonna find a way to rip a lot of shit out of him he’s bitten into and swallowed down and has been unable to face for thousands of years. I really wanna make him sweat blood about it. I got a few different ideas but he’s gonna come out of it different. Probably gonna fuck him up for a while, he saw the world one way for thousands of years and in the span of one year (and a half maybe) it gets all challenged pretty violently and he can either double down in his convinctions or accept the changes and deal with it. With being the only one responsible for who he is, shit can happen but in the end the final choice is yours, and Cain always ran from this truth.

Lucifer and Pierce come to some sort of understandment pretty soon. They both see each other as someone fucked over by God. Lucifer is desperate for someone who truly gets that aspect of his life while Pierce kinda hates when he find himself when they do get each other. Like it was all fun and games when it was some snarky banter, true heart to heart moments are what usually make him choose a new identity and skip town. Chloe is someone he comes to respect pretty soon when shit starts getting seriou. The choices he always has difficulty with? The good ones? She's good at making them, she can have the literal Devil on her shoulder goading her but she always asks herself “Is it right? Is this the kind of person I want to be? To make myself become?” and she chooses knowing it’s all on her (where he always was “Not my choice, not my fault”). And Dan, damn he has a lot of animosity and contempt for Dan at first. He sees a crooked cop getting off easily due to circumstances and he’s just seeing his one bad deed and undening curse. And he hates the idea of people getting off the hook easily. But they’re all forced in close contact or a while so he unwittingly starts knowing more about Dan and just, he’s still fun to make fun of (and Lucifer agrees with him on that) but there’s some begruding respect there. He’s fucked up he keeps fucking up but he keeps trying and after realizing some shit about himself and the Mark the animosity dies down a bit and he gets a little less petty. Which slowly turns into a moment of understand between them down the line and they’re not sure which one is more shocked.

Also regarding angelic self actualization! Lucifer is gonna get his wings back or devil face off earlier than in canon. He comes to accept hismelf a little bit more and either one of those things changes. The other changes after he’s sent Goddess away, cause that’s a little bit more of self-acceptance. He’s avoided a war and sent him mother off to a hopefully better place. Of course he still thinks it’s punishment first for shacking up with Dan and Chloe and being happy and refusing to go back to Hell (maybe the wings appear first, he thinks it’s God urging him to fly back to Hell) and then for sending Goddess in another dimension (and probs also killing Uriel). But at some point he’s gonna spiral down again, want to fit into this AU something like the plot of season 4 and him going down a self-hate and doubt spiral for a reason or another. Maybe less abruptly, having loved one helps some but can’t fix eons of fucked up slowly crawling back up. And on the issue of God. I’m gonna say neither the Mark nor the Fall were dished out as punishments made to make Lucifer and Cain suffer. Here’ He’s very much a touch and go sort of guy. He gave Cain the Mark because Abel went down to Hell for way less and he doesn’t want that for either of them, but Abel is out of his hands, he can only hope for Cain’s redemption. So he sends Amenadiel to inflict a mark that extends his life, he can get rid of it once he’s finally faced the reality of the murder he committed, then he can fuck up more as he wishes and condemn himself again. The great unending punishment is something Cain and Amenadiel just assumed. Like Lucifer’s Fall. I like to think Hell was God’s way of getting Luciffer as far has his influence so he could act on his Free Will (I have more feelings on this but this thing got long enough). But he’s God and kind of a ass so he never states things clearly. You gotta work for them cause free will. Same with Chloe. He sent Amenadiel down to bless Penelope but didn’t really leave instructions (cause that again would be meddling with free will).

And also Season 4 equivalent is something I want to explore too. Also cause in the mess that would be this season 3 the whole OT4 thing doesn’t really come together immediately. More of a “Pierce does some soul searching and shapes up a little” but after it it’s more like, there’s understanding and respect between them and something is budding but it’s not quite “Here’s the keys Marcus come live with us”. He’s sort of like a stray cat they picked up. He keeps working at the precinct because the Mark is gone and his years are clearly numbered now and he has to decide what to make of them. And he sort of comes and goes, he’s been cutting ties with people for a very long time and he does not quite know how to ease himself back into yet (half the reason is gonna be the wonder trio being there, shit definitely got serious before but now he’s stalling). I write more easily lighthearted stuff and I can see Lucifer, Dan and Chloe just huddling together and discussing him. Maybe something happened in the thick of actions but since stuff chilled down they’re like, what now?? And they’re just being so obvious about it. But I don’t know yet how things will develop between Pierce and Chloe, Dan and Lucifer exactly. I have a rough idea on how each of them relates to the other (I’m excited about expanding on Pierce and Dan, but also Chloe and Pierce getting to know each other without Pierce’s canon machinations) but I have yet to see what will come up when I write them interacting in these situations. The nice thing about polyamory is that you can have very different dynamics in a single relationship. But I don’t have a definite feel of them yet. And Chloe/Dan/Lucifer is gonna happen relatively fast, Chloe/Dan/Lucifer/Pierce is def gonna be a slow burn one. Excruciatingly slow burn.

Also EVE! I love Eve and I want to explore her + her son + Lucifer and everyone else. Abel was clearly her darling boy and she recognized canon Cain got what was coming for him. But here’s like, sort of one foot in one foot out of a relationsip with Lucifer, Chloe and Dan and shaped himself up. Where does Eve’s codepedency issues and unstable sense of self bring her? Does she still seek out Lucifer? Does she force herself not fear or resent Cain because Lucifer seems to like him? How much does it distress her? She’d probably latch on Lucifer but it would be an interesting dynamic with all of them. How much “oh fuck” is Pierce feelinga about all of this? Facing his guilt and faults head on (pretty fucky when you went around millennia going “lalala no guilt in here nope sir!”). Also good to explore some background for the Eden family. Abel and Cain’s mutual fighting. Adam being a stick in the mud apparently. Eve’s own issues and how they relate to her being a mother and wife (did she see herself as a person or was absorbed by those roles? how much did she go along Adam’s wishes instead of hers even while raising their sons, she was made out of Adam’s rib literally for him. this is a hella weird dynamic to have as a family. did she see Lucifer in Abel’s playfulness and lightheartedness? Was Cain more like Adam? Could this have bred more anymosity between them?). And just the idea of Adam and Eve just spawning like that and being looked after by God at first. And Cain is just the first baby they’ve even ever seen. The pregnancy must have been pretty scary for Eve. How confused were they about baby care? His growth? Having to look after him? Did he resent that they were more prepared for Abel? Or that Eve seemed to be kind of a yes man with Adam? I have the impression this family never did much honest “here’s our feelings lets discuss” talk. And in all of this there’s a demon uprising. Because they can’t have ONE normal year, can they?

#1billsookie #LONG POST #SERIOUSLY. word vomited again. #Luciblogging #ALSO THANK YOU FOR THE ASK! #sorry for putting it in the backburner for so long

[morningpages-louise]

August 12, 2018

good morning to yall. the morning after the new moon - a time for renewal, for blank slates, for clearing out thoughts and for piece of mind. why do i feel like these past few weeks have been crazy? huhu not quite sure pero yes. its slowing down a bit now though. not just my workload but like this whole break and my time in Manila is shortening. i only have about 2 weeks left in this city and it makes me a bit sad. i do love manila im gonna miss my friends here, im also gonna miss sheena shell be leaving for thailand soon. i hope to spend some time with her this weekend because it will be our last few moments spent together :'( so yeah drinking my cup of coffee and not really thinking it's of any effect to me. what can i say? i just can't stand a morning without coffee. it's the fuel that keeps me going. right now its pretty gloomy outside but to be honest i cant really tell since i literally have no view. this lack of any natural lighting sucks let me tell you. these past few weeks have been cray and busy as hell. i havent had time to check in on my thoughts and my internal self. konting tiis nalang talaga. konting tiis. just outside your reach. im excited to go home, destress, reinvent myself and maybe become closer to finding the meaning of life (why am i so char) heh ive been obsessed with terrace house lately promise i fucking love that show its so weird i think i like it cause i like seeing how humans connect and disconnect in some cases. human connection - a topic that has been of interest to me lately. i think it had something to do with sense 8. yup right now im feeling quite lethargic. last friday night and yesterday was just a whirlwind. i basically was out the whole day filming and i only had like an hour of sleep cause i spent the night prior tagay-ing with Krizia's CDO friends who are super nice btw. must say tagay is honestly my favorite type of drinking. i'd choose a night of tagay with your most intimate friends (or they dont even have to be super close) over a night out in the club. im just a chill person like that and i'd rather choose good laughs, meaningful conversations and chill inumans than hardcore drinking, dancing to electro and all that jazz. im just a simple gal like that. i wish i had more friends who were into that tho because they seem all about that bad/island/coco club life hahahaha kapoy bes. i also like poblacion vibes. im just super chill okay. life is meaningful. it really is. to find the meaning in life, i feel like thats all we really want. ive been so cautious these past few days because we've had quite the cockroach outbreak yuck even typing it and seing that word disgusts me. but so far i havent seen any in the past 2 days but im not letting my guard down. no i am not. im alone in the condo right now. im not sure pero i think kristine is coming back today? or was that tomorrow? kirsten is off somewhere, probably with tommy and she didn't spend the night last night. i miss her. i miss kris too. i dont know man its times like these where i feel super extroverted. i constantly want to be surrounded by people. to be honest that has been me this whole term. i think its cause im afraid to comfort the pain inside of me. what pain? i dont know but i know im still hurting a bit. im afraid to confront loneliness, insecurity, the toxicity inside of me and being with people makes me forget about that, it makes me focus my energy on other things beyond the me. i'll be okay. i'll be okay. but yup that's just been me. i really do like this morning pages thing. it makes me really tackle what my mind is going through and all the thoughts residing and it helps a bit in clearing it off, clearing the weight of my being. so yas. that's just been my thoughts these past few days. i promise i just can't wait til im chilling in the beach and watching that sunset, and reading good books and watching new films pero im also sad to be leaving manila. i wish i had a bit of time to explore the city after my term ends, by myself or with friends i dont really care but i do enjoy going around manila without a single weight on my shoulders. is it wrong that i'd rather be here than there? i don't think so. not at all. but maybe this feeling of home i feel is only temporary. i only feel like it is home because my friends all live here. it has become familiar and it is hella close to my school lol but i swear if you took the people away from here, it wouldnt be the same. what's manila without your friends? and i swear almost all of my friends are from the provinces. lol i get along better with people who have gone through similar experiences as me which in this case is weve all come from different parts of the philippines and are living alone and figuring shit out by ourselves. it's an amazing feat to be honest. to be completely independent, to have your parents trust you so much. i can't believe ive been living alone (well not really alone pero without parents) for over 3 years now. ive learned to cook. ive learned to clean (a bit lang lol) still dont know how to do my laundry tho. ive basically learned to live by myself. to commute by myself and to get around by myself and because of that, i feel like ill be fine. dude i have so much weird energy in myself and i just really want to release it but i can't quite figure out what this energy within me is but i always feel the urge to cry, as a form of releasing lol super weird but yeah anyways im way beyond the word count but i just want to keep going. my coffee is also completely gone. what am i doing today? i was supposed to continue filming for one of my majors but i think since it got cancelled, i will just watch cinemalaya and work on a few papers. there's also this event that i want to go to called writing from the margins. it's in Raffles hotel (fancy) pero not sure if i can make it. it's currently 1:20 pero ill try my best ill wrap this up now so i can make it, do some yoga, get ready and then leave and once im finished ill work on my papers (perhaps in UCC or another cute cafe) and then wait for a film showing of a cinemalaya film hehe toodaloo and see you soon! i love you!

[celestial-writespace]

Seemingly

Sometimes, your greatest love isn’t always the one you end up with.

[ genre: romance, teen fiction ]

Have you ever met someone who you thought was seemingly perfect? It’s this one person who just seems to have absolutely everything you’re looking for. A person you’d never thought could even exist. That one person, the one who you’d always have a soft spot for. That was it, that was exactly what I’d describe Kyle. I’m Margaux, and this is how a green eyed boy who wore dark grey jeans and a black hoodie that day in September changed my life forever.

If you’re reading this, then it must mean that it’s probably already some time in 2040 where I’m all grown up, being stable and all, and this “story” I’m writing, just happened to live on for a couple decades. I don’t know who’ll be reading this, if you’re my friend or a completely random stranger, but in case you didn’t already get it, or you just completely went over all the things I said, I’m Margaux. As of June 20th of the year 2018, I’m 18 years old, and I’m probably the typical freshman college girl. I was born and raised (as typical as it may sound) in the sunny town of Phoenix, Arizona. Let me start my story a little like this:

Okay, let’s flashback to the day I first started college. Now, I’m generally a pretty open, outgoing girl, but this day just made me so anxious. I woke up today at 4 AM, and the welcoming rally starts at 8. I was totally not stressing out. I mean, who would’ve thought i’d actually make it into my dream school? Did I even deserve it? WHY WAS I THERE? REALLY? Anyway, so I started my morning, like any other, with coffee and bread, in a desperate attempt to calm myself down and make it feel like it was just any other day. The anxiety didn’t fully go away, but my favorite bittersweet sensation from a good cup of freshly brewed coffee definitely helped. A few hours of stress, anxiety and weirdly enough, boredom combined, and the clock struck 7 o’clock. Of course, I immediately left at that moment.

As I arrived in school, the anxiety took over me. There were so many people who were so much better than me. Talk about insecurity, right? Flash forward to the end of the day, when I became tired, scared, but thankfully, a little less anxious, and a little more excited, but nevertheless, I came here to learn, and I kept in mind that I really shouldn’t let those things bother me. I deemed college one of the most life changing periods in my life. At that time, I was so ready to reinvent myself, move on from the horror that is high school, and prepare myself for a better future ahead of me.

When three months had passed since my first day at University of Phoenix, midterms had just ended, and I had been a member of this lovely sorority where my mother was once a member of, for around 2 months now.. I hoped to gain a sisterhood like no other through this. This was where I met my first college best friend, Sarah. I was definitely off to a great start, and I hoped so hard that nothing changed this for the next 4 years. However, it was way too early for me to hope, right?

One day in September, I committed to going to a Mura Masa concert with Sarah. She and I both loved Mura Masa, and it was his first show ever in Phoenix. To add, Sarah had been such a nice friend to me. She was the only one caring enough to show me around the campus voluntarily, and we’d have lunch together every time our schedules aligned. Seeing this, I knew we just had to go together. Little did I know that going to that concert would change my life forever.

My phone read 9 o’clock, the concert just started, and I was having the time of my life seeing one of my favorite artists play live with my college best friend. But there was something more magical about that night. There was a tall guy that was standing beside me, in his dark grey knee-ripped jeans, a black Mura Masa hoodie and some beat up Nikes. He sparked up a simple conversation as the intermission started. Nine. That’s how many words it took for him to finish his sentence, and how many seconds it took for me to gaze at his beautiful face, which was a bit too long for someone to respond to such a simple question. “What do you think the next song’s gonna be?” he asked me.

“I think it’s definitely gonna be my favorite, Firefly” I responded, as I lock eyes with the silver haired fellow. Suddenly, the music started. But that wasn’t the only thing that started that night, but also a love that just seemed so right. I see this as mystical I'm sure that you know, my favorite line from Firefly played as I stare at him once more. That night was mystical, for sure. Although, I’m not quite sure if it was those green eyes that got me lost every time I looked at him, or his soft-looking lips I would have loved to lock with in those moments. Kyle and I danced and sung along to our favorite songs, and not too soon after, Sarah joins in and gets to know him a little more.

The concert ended, and me and my friend were now with Kyle. As we were walking to the parking lot, we exchanged numbers. Turns out, he was an artist who dropped out of college in his sophomore year. He loved painting and photography the most, for he thought that being able to capture beautiful moments in one’s life was one of God’s greatest blessings to mankind. But to me, it was people like him. Those that appreciated the beautiful little details, and those that believed that imperfection is most times what makes us human, and what makes us beautiful.

Sarah drove me home, and during our drive, she talked to me about Kyle. “Soooo, Kyle huh?” she teases me. I wasn’t gonna deny it to my best friend.

“Yeah, I like him, what’dya think?”

“I think you guys are really compatible for each other, hell, couldn’t even get you guys separated.”

So that night I came home, I could not stop smiling and thinking about the enchanting night I had just experienced. I wondered until about 3 in the morning. Did he know how wonderstruck I was when I met him? And all I could hope for was that, he wasn’t already in love with someone else. I fell asleep to these thoughts.

The next morning, I woke up to a vibration from my phone, which rested on top of my chest. I received a text from him. “Forgot to tell you, I thought you were wonderful last night, and i’d love to get to know you more, perhaps over some coffee?” it read. The text struck my stomach with butterflies as I eagerly texted back “I feel the same, actually. How about today at 4PM?” A minute passed and I got a confirmation text, complete with the words “Can’t wait!”

We met up at a local cafe on the corner of 10th street and Park Avenue. I walked into the cafe but failed to spot him anywhere, so I decided to sit down at the table by the glass window. Five minutes passed and I saw him on the other side of the street, about to cross the road. Seeing him once more brought an uncontrollable smile on my face. He entered the cafe, approached me and I ultimately greeted him with a warm hug. He smelled bittersweet for some unknown reason, like the coffee I drank every morning. He smelled like.. Home. It was the scent I could wake up to every morning.

And so we talked for hours about our favorite songs and how he loved travelling so much that he could spend the rest of his days travelling everywhere and never have one permanent home. He told me his adventures in Peru, Japan, Australia, Indonesia, all at his age of 23. It was truly amazing to see how one man could appreciate so much in life. Everything to him was beautiful. I wondered if I was too.

Seven o’clock struck and he invited me back to his place for some dinner. I spent such a wonderful afternoon with this man, but I was not to forget why I stayed in Phoenix despite my longing urge to leave this city, my studies. I told him I had things to do and his persistence went on, not in a bad way though. He wanted to help me finish my paper for a writing class I had. Well, he was an artist so I figured he’d be of great help. I was wrong. “OH WOW now I know why you stuck with playing music and visual arts, you are absolutely terrible” I say, teasing him as I giggle. He really was terrible, but that’s not what I looked at. I looked at how hard he tried despite knowing he wasn’t exactly a good writer. It was cute. He was cute. This infatuation has really gotten over me. “It’s cute you know,” I said, staring at him as he typed on my laptop a few more senseless lines.

“What is?” He asked with a grin on his face.

“When you try like that, but fail in the end,” I answered.

“How is that cute?” He asked, this time, looking at me in the eyes that showed the most interest in what I was saying.

“Because you’re determined, and I find that cute.”

He pinched my nose and said “not as cute as you, you little human bean.” We spent the rest of the night teasing each other and just talking for hours, being with each other like nothing else mattered. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. We were spending most our nights together like this until the next month. We knew each other’s favorites, our interests, our childhood, and even our past, including past relationships. At this point, it was safe to say i loved him. Or at least I thought it was.

It was movie date after park dates after study dates. Although he dropped out of college, he never stopped supporting me in my goals. He understood how college was so important to me, and how I wanted to make things right in college after all my mistakes in high school. He knew that for me, college was the time I wanted to reinvent myself, and he was more than happy to be part of such a life changing period in my life.

Never have I met someone who scarily liked the exact things as I did. He had the same political views, same moral values. Never have I met someone so beautiful, someone who saw wonder in the least wonderful things. You could say we sort of completed each other’s sentences. He was good for me, I knew, because I felt that I was growing as person, becoming more positive around him, and others. We complemented each other, and it was all going good. It truly was as if we were made for each other. We were compatible, but perhaps, too compatible that it scared me too. I thought that somewhere along the way, it might become a problem.

The time came, it seemed as if something kept bothering him. That smile I could never tired of, was gone. Was I doing something wrong? What was it I was lacking? I thought. I just couldn’t bare that I wasn’t making him happy. So one day, I came over to his place, and I decided to confront him. “Why aren’t you happy with me anymore?” I was hoping to hear something like “You’re a bit too clingy” or that he didn’t really like me anymore, or he just simply got bored of me in general. But it wasn’t because of any of those that we just couldn’t be together. It was because of a fragment of his past that kept reappearing in his head every time he looked at me. He told me I was beautiful, and that he had spent his greatest days with me, but it was all too familiar for him.

Before I came into the picture, he had dated this girl named Emma. I had gone to high school with her. No doubt, she was beautiful, kind and smart, which had caused her to be one of the most popular girls in school. However, she had transferred in senior year, and no one knew why. It turned out she had severe anxiety and depression, as Kyle said. This had also become the reason for Kyle to drop out of college. He took care of her. He was so sure about her, that he wanted to spend the rest of his days with her. She had graduated high school and a few months after, he proposed to her. He said he knew they were young, but he had been so sure about his forever with her, that she was his, and he was hers, and nothing could have broken them apart.

I thought we had an invincible love, a love that no one could top, until I saw the way his eyes sparkled talking about Emma. It never sparkled that way when we were together. He had a different glow to him. He was sad talking about this, but he had more life than he ever did going on dates with me. Seeing the way he talked about her, It hurt. It hurt that he couldn’t be that way with me. Though I knew he had feelings for me, it wasn’t enough. It was not the best kind of love he deserved. He deserved Emma, not me.

However, let me tell all of you that during those moments, I was more in awe at how one man could love a woman so much than I was jealous. At that point, I already knew where it was going. We weren’t going to end up together and maybe it was okay. Maybe he’d be better off without me, because I knew at that moment, I wasn’t what he needed. And maybe I never will be.

Moving onto the story, Kyle and Emma plan their small wedding. Emma and her dad drive to pick up her wedding dress days before the wedding, but gets into a major car crash which costs her dad his life. This triggers her depression and long story cut short, she decides that suicide is the best option for her. She was found in the bathtub of her parents’ house lifeless, with a note “I’m sorry, Kyle. Know that i’ll never stop loving you, even in the afterlife. I’ll see you soon.” And of course, Kyle is distraught. The woman she loved so dearly, the woman who he had planned to spend his entire life with, committed the most selfish act of all. Up until now she remains in his heart, and he was never really meant to be mine to begin with. Although they never got married, it was as if they did. He was going to love her, for better or for worse, even after death tried to do them part.

Maybe I’m too busy being yours to fall for somebody new, a line from one of the songs in his playlist which he loved listening to. And now I know why. He couldn’t deny he had feelings for me, for it was too real for it all to just be fake. One thing i’ll always remember in his voice though, is how he bid me goodbye that day.

“You are a beautiful and respectful woman, Marge. I’m so thankful that I met someone like you. Any man, and I mean any man would be so lucky to have you in their life. Although it would have been nice for me to be that man, i’m sorry. I still think about her countless times a day. I see her in you sometimes, and I don’t want that to be the reason I stay with you. I don’t want you to fall in love with someone whose thoughts keep wandering to someone else, more so,someone else who’s long gone. Promise me, Marge, you’ll find someone who’ll give you the world, because I know that’s what you deserve, and exactly what I can’t give you.”

I hugged him tight and gave him a quick kiss. Our first, and last. And maybe also the first and last time i’ll feel that way about someone. And so I told him that there was no need for such an apology. “Maybe we’ll find our way to each other someday,” were the last words I told him.

It hurt, but I knew he was doing this for me. It was a kind act, kind of like mercy killing. I would have endured a greater pain if he hadn’t told me as early. I was never going to forget the genuine happiness he always made me feel whenever i’d be in his presence, and maybe, just maybe, i’ll feel that way again with somebody else, or maybe, with him but in a different time. I was truly hopeful, that maybe it was right love at the wrong time, and if it was right love, maybe the right time will come.

It was sad getting to experience a love so surreal but not having it last for so long, but I don’t regret having met him. He showed me what it was like to truly love someone so deeply. He showed me how beautiful life was, and that we should never stop loving, even after death, may it be your own, or anything/ anyone else around you. Loving was a gift, one that we should practice, even if it hurt. Sometimes there are things that will continue to make love a hard thing to do, but we shouldn’t stop. Alfred Lord Tennyson once said “'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” That experience of mine is one I would never forget, and never regret. Kyle and I remained friends, but months after we decided to remain friends, he seized to travel the world, and I deemed i’d never see him again, nor hear from him.

EPILOGUE

I now write as Margaux, a 34 year old woman, with a stable job in the state of New York, who graduated form the University of Phoenix with awards, like I always pictured myself back then. I write as a married woman, with a loving husband, and 2 amazing children.

I met my husband when I landed my first job in LA. The best part about it is, when I met him, you could tell he had the brightest glow in him, his eyes sparkled whenever he’d see me, and you could feel it in his kiss. It took us 3 years before he proposed to me, and I could never been happier that day I said “I do, Father.”

I write because few years after I got married and had my first child, I received a letter from somewhere in Puerto Rico. It read:

“To the beautiful Margaux,

I heard you got married, and I could never have been happier for you. I’m glad you’ve found someone who will treat you well, much that I couldn’t. I don’t exactly know if you still care but, just as you remember, I left because I traveled the world to find myself. During my first year of travelling, i fell in love with immersing into the different cultures and learning more about each one. I started volunteering at charity foundations in every country I visit, and i’ve become a self-proclaimed journalist now. And I guess travel is whom I’m married to now. Anyway, I hope you’re living the wonderful live you deserved. Write back, so at least I know you got this.

Sincerely,

Kyle”

#fiction #creative writing

[tbhstudying1]

from for the dreams i want to catch http://ift.tt/2nxROc4 via See More

The Honest Guide on Preparing for College

I thought it’d be cool and useful to give you guys an “Honest Guide on Preparing for College.” It has all the things you may already know, and then also some things you perhaps don’t. And a bunch of tips that are helpful for preparing for college, but also during college. I’ve been working on this post for months, adding few new tips every now and then so hopefully you guys like it and find it useful! :) I may add more tips from time to time, I’m not sure.

Suffer from acne? Visit a dermatologist to get it under control ASAP. The earlier you start, the earlier you’ll see results! And trust me, you’ll be going bare-faced a lot in college. At least twice a day- morning & night. And you’ll always want to look and feel your best! It sucks to be self-conscious.

Figure out a rough guideline of your morning/ night routine. Your college routine is usually not going to be the exact same as your home routine. Ie: Make up will probably be done in your room, not in the bathroom. If you use makeup often, consider buying a vanity mirror! Very useful. 

You won’t need binders. I brought 3 (1-inch) in case and I hardly use one. It’s more useful to have individual folders for each class. Or even those notebook with tabs inside to hold papers. The point being, the way you organize your work is different in high school. You’re not going to the same 5 periods everyday in college. You have classes that meet MWF, and TTh, etc.

Don’t forget to bring college essentials! Refer to my two posts here (”College Essential Hacks”) and here (”Things I Forgot/ Nearly Forgot to Bring to College”. 

Invest in make-up. In high school, I never wore make-up but now I often wear mascara and light lipstick! I spent countless trips figuring out what shade was best for me and trying out different products. Would’ve been easier to just do this in the comfort of my own home than in college! I’m still a make-up noob though, haha. I can’t even figure out how to apply eyeliner confidently!

Bring clothes you’ll actually wear. 1/3 of the clothes I’ve brought to college were never worn… They just took up closet space!

Bring formal clothes too. You never know what events you’ll go to (including sorority rush, galas, etc). Don’t forget a good pair (or two) of shoes for the outfit!

Realize that the first month-ish of school is the prime time to make new friends. People are more open to making new friends and are more friendly and receptive. Make the most of this!!! I can not stress this enough! Remember that first impressions can stick, so be especially graceful during this period. I would even go so far as to say that you should try to go out to a party in the first few weeks of school for two reasons…. 1) You can see if you fit with the party scene and if you enjoy it. 2) When you attend events early on, people will assume you’re down to go for the rest of the semester and you’ll get invites. (Which you can turn down, of course.)

Keep in touch with old friends! Seriously. Don’t just make new college friends and forget about your old high school friends. Keep in touch! Message them regularly and keep them in the loop! It might seem like a lot of work to message them all the details about something, especially when they are unfamiliar with the people so you have to describe it a lot (Wait, who’s Jim again? What’s your roommate’s name again? etc), but it’s so rewarding to have an old, familiar friend with you as you both experience college together, but separately.

Know your schedule and be on top of this. Be organized. I recommend a planner and also having a print out of your weekly schedule that has your classes and other time commitments. I actually drew my weekly schedule and hung it by my desk. It not only helps me visualize my week, but also lets my roommates know when to expect me. I also use a calendar app very diligently. Whenever I commit to an event, I immediately put it into my calendars (the app, and also my physical calendar in my room). I also inputted the dates and times of my exams/ important assignments from the get-go so I wouldn’t be surprised about when they were. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND INPUTTING THE DATES OF YOUR EXAMS AND DUE DATES OF PAPERS, ETC INTO YOUR CALENDAR ASAP!!!!!!!!

Keep in touch with family. Similar reasoning with #9. But basically, your parents and siblings have lived with you all of your life. They’ll miss you. Text them, call them, facetime them once in a while. Send them a postcard. Buy them college gear. Do little things like this; they’ll really appreciate it!

Don’t be so uptight and remember to be grateful. I feel like I’ve matured greatly in college. I used to have these crazy-high expectations about friendships and stuff, and now, it’s not that I have absurdly low expectations, but I just don’t take everything for granted. I am grateful for anything and everything my friends do for me. They bought me Chipotle? Aww. They reminded me about the review session? So sweet. Basically, don’t take things for granted.

Don’t be that one annoying friend. You know who you are. College is a time where you can really ‘reinvent’ yourself and you should really try to be a ‘better you’ during college. Here are some traits I find annoying, personally… An annoying friend is one who does any or all of these things:

“Forget” to pay a friend back for spotting you. Seriously, we all hate that person who does this and we all really respect that person who is really diligent about paying back someone. So take note. Everyone is on a tight budget in college.

Rants all the time. If you’re ranting all the time and your friend is just listening, you have yourself a freaking awesome friend. Just remember that friendship means you can rant, and your friend can rant back. It’s a two-way street.

Tries to peer pressure others into doing something they like. Okay, I get that you drink and smoke a lot. But you don’t need to feel the urge to ‘convert’ me to doing the same. No means no.

Always bails or is flaky. Freaking annoying.

Takes things too far. We all have that one friend who takes things too far and doesn’t know when to stop….

Too sensitive… But we also may have an uber-sensitive friend who always holds grudges and is a grumpy cat. 

Don’t skip class. Seriously. It doesn’t matter if the lecture is posted online, or if you’ll just get notes from a friend. Or if you already ‘know’ what’s being taught. Just go. Skipping class = lower grades = lower GPA = unhappy you.

Be willing to try new things. This can vary to an extent from person to person. It can be as crazy as asking someone out or trying new food. College is a time of growth, new experiences, and fun times. HOWEVER, don’t do anything that will harm yourself. None of this “yolo” mantra please.

Bring a lot of undies. Shirts and pants can be reworn more than once (within reason), but undies can’t. So save yourself from doing laundry all the time and bring a lot of undies.

Learn to let things go. I used to be that person who held onto grudges. But since starting college, I’ve really begun to realize that life is so much more fun and enjoyable if you don’t let the little things faze you. Learn to let it go. Don’t let what that rude guy said to you this morning stick with you for the whole day. Who cares if you asked someone out and it failed? You don’t need them anyway! You’re too fabulous for them to handle! 

Learn to be confident in yourself. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You “- Dr Seuss. Over the years, I’ve found that I’ve grown much more confident and independent. I love it.

Learn how to socialize and be a great conversationalist. Smile and actually pay attention to what they’re saying. Remember what they said and bring it up the next time you see them. Hey, how was your lunch at Gypsy’s with John? It makes people feel special and nice. Use their names in the conversation as often as you can (without it sounding totally awkward and weird). People like hearing their names in conversation. [Btw, I read these facts on a Time article somewhere so its legit.]. People don’t remember what you say, but they remember how you made them feel. So make them feel loved and appreciated. Laugh.

Live and learn through your mistakes. No one’s perfect. So what if you bombed your first midterm? It’s the first of many. Pick yourself up and study harder for the next one. Don’t get all beaten up.

Consider bringing your AP study guide books to college. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened my AP Calculus review book from Princeton Review to review and look up things.

Keep track of your meal points. I frequently hear people saying they always have leftover meal points at the end of the year, but maybe it’s because I like to buy a lot of snacks, but I was actually behind on points for half the semester. It’s no big deal–I can easily add more points–, but just don’t be under the illusion that you have unlimited amount of points and can buy whatever you want. Be smart about rationing off your points.

Don’t let one midterm grade affect you. Yeah, you failed that midterm. So what? Just do well on the next ones. There’s nothing you can do about your midterm grade–you can only improve yourself for the future. Have a good cry, rant to friends, watch some Netflix–and then realize the changes you have to make and enforce the changes. 

Pick classes that you’ll enjoy. Don’t pick morning classes (if you can help it) if you’re not a morning person. Don’t take a Drawing/ Painting class if you’re not an artsy person for your Visual Arts requirement–there’s classes like Art History or stuff like that. Be reasonable about the classes you take and how much workload you know you can handle. Not everyone is the same.

Go see your adviser from time to time. Just to make sure you’re on track! Work out a 4-year plan. You don’t want to have any surprises later down the road!

Be careful with labels. Like “best friend” or “favorite person”. Sometimes, these can lead people on unintentionally and you’ll get yourself in awkward and uncomfortable situations where they like you but you don’t like them or something. I learned that it’s just best to call people your “friends” and unless you are really bonded with a person, then call them your best friend. But honestly, if you two are best friends, you kinda just know you are each other’s best friend–it’s a mutual feeling and it doesn’t really need to be said or labeled. I think it’s just best to rid yourself of using labels, honestly. Terms that imply exclusivity can sometimes lead people on. I think you should have a self-check with yourself every month or two and go like, “Okay, where am I at? I really like where I am right now. I could improve on this… etc etc. Let’s see the friends I’m close to… Do I think any of them likes me? I don’t want to unintentionally lead them on.” Just stuff like that.

Understand your finances for college. Including scholarships, how much you’re paying, how much you’re working (if applicable), etc. Just be on top of all your money stuff! 

Don’t go out and eat out a lot. I ate out a lot during freshman year. Too much. I had no regrets during the moment but now looking back, I just imagine all of the money I could’ve saved if I didn’t eat out…. :( You can save so much money by reducing how much you eat out.

Be financially conscious and be mindful of how much you spend. There are plenty of hangouts you and your friends can do that don’t require money or that much money. Examples: movie nights, picnics, checking out the campus botanical garden, going sightseeing in the city, cooking dinner together, etc. Just because it costs money doesn’t mean it will always be fun, memorable or worth it–something to remind yourself of! In addition, shoot for quality over quantity. Buy a $50 pair of Rainbows sandals that will last for years, instead of flimsy, cheaply made sandals that will break after a couple of uses. Splurge on that North Face jacket–you’ll be wearing it a lot and it’s versatile and will last you years. Now that I buy groceries and cook for myself, I’ve definitely come to appreciate the value of the dollar.

Realize how small the world is and how connected everything is. Don’t talk shit about people. Seriously. The person you’re complaining about may have a friend who is taking a class with the person you’re telling to. Or the person you’re telling it to may have a friend who has a friend who knows the person. If it’s one thing that keeps coming up in my time here, it’s that everyone seems to know everybody (or is a friend of a friend). So limit your shit-talking, secret-sharing, gossip talk to only your trusted confidants. Seriously, though. As you go through college, you’ll come to notice that many people will reappear in your classes because of being in the same major, and more. The world is small, y’all. Don’t be reckless.

#IFTTT #for the dreams i want to catch

[gemstonestudies-blog]

The Honest Guide on Preparing for College

I thought it’d be cool and useful to give you guys an “Honest Guide on Preparing for College.” It has all the things you may already know, and then also some things you perhaps don’t. And a bunch of tips that are helpful for preparing for college, but also during college. I’ve been working on this post for months, adding few new tips every now and then so hopefully you guys like it and find it useful! :) I may add more tips from time to time, I’m not sure.

“Forget” to pay a friend back for spotting you. Seriously, we all hate that person who does this and we all really respect that person who is really diligent about paying back someone. So take note. Everyone is on a tight budget in college.

Rants all the time. If you’re ranting all the time and your friend is just listening, you have yourself a freaking awesome friend. Just remember that friendship means you can rant, and your friend can rant back. It’s a two-way street.

Tries to peer pressure others into doing something they like. Okay, I get that you drink and smoke a lot. But you don’t need to feel the urge to ‘convert’ me to doing the same. No means no.

Always bails or is flaky. Freaking annoying.

Takes things too far. We all have that one friend who takes things too far and doesn’t know when to stop….

Too sensitive… But we also may have an uber-sensitive friend who always holds grudges and is a grumpy cat.

“Forget” to pay a friend back for spotting you. Seriously, we all hate that person who does this and we all really respect that person who is really diligent about paying back someone. So take note. Everyone is on a tight budget in college.

Rants all the time. If you’re ranting all the time and your friend is just listening, you have yourself a freaking awesome friend. Just remember that friendship means you can rant, and your friend can rant back. It’s a two-way street.

Tries to peer pressure others into doing something they like. Okay, I get that you drink and smoke a lot. But you don’t need to feel the urge to ‘convert’ me to doing the same. No means no.Always bails or is flaky. Freaking annoying.

Takes things too far. We all have that one friend who takes things too far and doesn’t know when to stop….

Too sensitive… But we also may have an uber-sensitive friend who always holds grudges and is a grumpy cat. 

Keep in touch with old friends! Seriously. Don’t just make new college friends and forget about your old high school friends. Keep in touch! Message them regularly and keep them in the loop! It might seem like a lot of work to message them all the details about something, especially when they are unfamiliar with the people so you have to describe it a lot (Wait, who’s Jim again? What’s your roommate’s name again? etc), but it’s so rewarding to have an old, familiar friend with you as you both experience college together, but separately.

Know your schedule and be on top of this. Be organized. I recommend a planner and also having a print out of your weekly schedule that has your classes and other time commitments. I actually drew my weekly schedule and hung it by my desk. It not only helps me visualize my week, but also lets my roommates know when to expect me. I also use a calendar app very diligently. Whenever I commit to an event, I immediately put it into my calendars (the app, and also my physical calendar in my room). I also inputted the dates and times of my exams/ important assignments from the get-go so I wouldn’t be surprised about when they were. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND INPUTTING THE DATES OF YOUR EXAMS AND DUE DATES OF PAPERS, ETC INTO YOUR CALENDAR ASAP!!!!!!!!

Keep in touch with family. Similar reasoning with #9. But basically, your parents and siblings have lived with you all of your life. They’ll miss you. Text them, call them, facetime them once in a while. Send them a postcard. Buy them college gear. Do little things like this; they’ll really appreciate it!

Don’t be so uptight and remember to be grateful. I feel like I’ve matured greatly in college. I used to have these crazy-high expectations about friendships and stuff, and now, it’s not that I have absurdly low expectations, but I just don’t take everything for granted. I am grateful for anything and everything my friends do for me. They bought me Chipotle? Aww. They reminded me about the review session? So sweet. Basically, don’t take things for granted.

Don’t be that one annoying friend. You know who you are. College is a time where you can really ‘reinvent’ yourself and you should really try to be a ‘better you’ during college. Here are some traits I find annoying, personally… An annoying friend is one who does any or all of these things:

Be willing to try new things. This can vary to an extent from person to person. It can be as crazy as asking someone out or trying new food. College is a time of growth, new experiences, and fun times. HOWEVER, don’t do anything that will harm yourself. None of this “yolo” mantra please.

Bring a lot of undies. Shirts and pants can be reworn more than once (within reason), but undies can’t. So save yourself from doing laundry all the time and bring a lot of undies.

earn to let things go. I used to be that person who held onto grudges. But since starting college, I’ve really begun to realize that life is so much more fun and enjoyable if you don’t let the little things faze you. Learn to let it go. Don’t let what that rude guy said to you this morning stick with you for the whole day. Who cares if you asked someone out and it failed? You don’t need them anyway! You’re too fabulous for them to handle! 

Learn to be confident in yourself. “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You “- Dr Seuss. Over the years, I’ve found that I’ve grown much more confident and independent. I love it.

Learn how to socialize and be a great conversationalist. Smile and actually pay attention to what they’re saying. Remember what they said and bring it up the next time you see them. Hey, how was your lunch at Gypsy’s with John? It makes people feel special and nice. Use their names in the conversation as often as you can (without it sounding totally awkward and weird). People like hearing their names in conversation. [Btw, I read these facts on a Time article somewhere so its legit.]. People don’t remember what you say, but they remember how you made them feel. So make them feel loved and appreciated. Laugh.

Live and learn through your mistakes. No one’s perfect. So what if you bombed your first midterm? It’s the first of many. Pick yourself up and study harder for the next one. Don’t get all beaten up.

Consider bringing your AP study guide books to college. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened my AP Calculus review book from Princeton Review to review and look up things.

Keep track of your meal points. I frequently hear people saying they always have leftover meal points at the end of the year, but maybe it’s because I like to buy a lot of snacks, but I was actually behind on points for half the semester. It’s no big deal–I can easily add more points–, but just don’t be under the illusion that you have unlimited amount of points and can buy whatever you want. Be smart about rationing off your points.

Don’t let one midterm grade affect you. Yeah, you failed that midterm. So what? Just do well on the next ones. There’s nothing you can do about your midterm grade–you can only improve yourself for the future. Have a good cry, rant to friends, watch some Netflix–and then realize the changes you have to make and enforce the changes. 

Pick classes that you’ll enjoy. Don’t pick morning classes (if you can help it) if you’re not a morning person. Don’t take a Drawing/ Painting class if you’re not an artsy person for your Visual Arts requirement–there’s classes like Art History or stuff like that. Be reasonable about the classes you take and how much workload you know you can handle. Not everyone is the same.

Go see your adviser from time to time. Just to make sure you’re on track! Work out a 4-year plan. You don’t want to have any surprises later down the road!

Be careful with labels. Like “best friend” or “favorite person”. Sometimes, these can lead people on unintentionally and you’ll get yourself in awkward and uncomfortable situations where they like you but you don’t like them or something. I learned that it’s just best to call people your “friends” and unless you are really bonded with a person, then call them your best friend. But honestly, if you two are best friends, you kinda just know you are each other’s best friend–it’s a mutual feeling and it doesn’t really need to be said or labeled. I think it’s just best to rid yourself of using labels, honestly. Terms that imply exclusivity can sometimes lead people on. I think you should have a self-check with yourself every month or two and go like, “Okay, where am I at? I really like where I am right now. I could improve on this… etc etc. Let’s see the friends I’m close to… Do I think any of them likes me? I don’t want to unintentionally lead them on.” Just stuff like that.

Understand your finances for college. Including scholarships, how much you’re paying, how much you’re working (if applicable), etc. Just be on top of all your money stuff! 

Don’t go out and eat out a lot. I ate out a lot during freshman year. Too much. I had no regrets during the moment but now looking back, I just imagine all of the money I could’ve saved if I didn’t eat out…. :( You can save so much money by reducing how much you eat out.

Be financially conscious and be mindful of how much you spend. There are plenty of hangouts you and your friends can do that don’t require money or that much money. Examples: movie nights, picnics, checking out the campus botanical garden, going sightseeing in the city, cooking dinner together, etc. Just because it costs money doesn’t mean it will always be fun, memorable or worth it–something to remind yourself of! In addition, shoot for quality over quantity. Buy a $50 pair of Rainbows sandals that will last for years, instead of flimsy, cheaply made sandals that will break after a couple of uses. Splurge on that North Face jacket–you’ll be wearing it a lot and it’s versatile and will last you years. Now that I buy groceries and cook for myself, I’ve definitely come to appreciate the value of the dollar.

Realize how small the world is and how connected everything is. Don’t talk shit about people. Seriously. The person you’re complaining about may have a friend who is taking a class with the person you’re telling to. Or the person you’re telling it to may have a friend who has a friend who knows the person. If it’s one thing that keeps coming up in my time here, it’s that everyone seems to know everybody (or is a friend of a friend). So limit your shit-talking, secret-sharing, gossip talk to only your trusted confidants. Seriously, though. As you go through college, you’ll come to notice that many people will reappear in your classes because of being in the same major, and more. The world is small, y’all. Don’t be reckless.