#can’t even like things anymore without

[their-name-is-fake]

I was lowkey excited for world hijab day but I just check the tag on tumblr and it’s awful

I have no words for the amount of Islamaphobic things I saw

But yeah ummm Happy world hijab day ig

#world hijab day #happy world hijab day lol #hijab #hijab girl #Muslim #Islam #islamaphobia #politics #fyp #shitpost #also it’s still free Palestine #kinda sucks #can’t even like things anymore without #getting reminded that yt ppl hate me lol #or the west in general #not safe here #and not safe at home #isn’t that the greatest test of all #us politics

[makotonaegiunderstander]

something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.

“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”

#makoto naegi #Danganronpa character analysis #Danganronpa #danganronpa thh #danganronpa future arc #I fucking love Makoto Naegi man. #I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known #he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said #he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky #he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did #if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world. #he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done #and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend. #I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though #post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do #it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to #and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc #he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions #I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse #and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate #and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable. #honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually #I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself #that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels #it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it #it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic #anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for #the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!

[simgerale]

me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game

#hi everyone #I’m going around hugging you all #okay now that we are gathered here today #i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best #i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time #and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol #but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine #literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything #I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake…. #I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour #then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it #and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again #I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do #so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour. #I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday #y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts #I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story #I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my #own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing? #y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents #.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire #but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself #I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump #I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions #I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well #I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day. #but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it #I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing #I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!! #I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time

[camgoloud]

you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons

#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups #and the later regrets of the parties involved #anyway. tell me not to text her #it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength #she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life #and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever #going to get back #and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔 #the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that #really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you #felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way #instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’ #and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out #so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃 #i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least #we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she #like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have #said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc. #it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me #and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person… #caseyposting

[frooogscream]

So David making the show gayer and listening to his collaborators... is a bad thing. Even if you weren't twisting his words, you're not making the point you think you are.

I did never say anything like that, what I sad is that the show was never supposed to be so queer in the beginning and that pretty much all of the queer details about the characters came from the queer actors. My conclusion was not “David Jenkins bad because he didn’t want to make a queer show”, my conclusion was “it is beautiful that these queer people poured their hearts into it and created something with a lot of meaning for other queer people”.

Yes I also used phrases like “we were never even supposed to have what we got” and “This show was NEVER supposed to give us beautiful things and treat it’s queer characters with “kindness”! It was NEVER supposed to be for queer people!”, implying that I personally felt like s2 made some choices that I, with my personal experience as a queer person was disappointed in (such as cutting all the poly scenes and killing of the older queer characters right after giving him a coming out arc, in doing so removing an actor who is very vocally supportive of trans people which I, as a trans person appreciate and used the opportunity on convention panels to talk about queer rights and removing the only of the three most central characters in s2 actually played by a queer person, etc.).

But that was just a tiny and implied undertone in an overwhelmingly positive post, in which I praise the cast of the show. And for the record, I DO think that it is great that DJ made these adjustments, I work in theater and occasionally in film and know that it is also not uncommon or bad to make changes as the project evolves and actors flesh out the roles more. I simply pointed out that he is not the one who originally had the ideas to make it this queer and that he originally didn’t plan to let the main queer love story end with a happy ending. Firstly this is not a bad thing, there are a lot of shows out there that aren’t queer, no body is “required” to make queer shows. Secondly where the hell am I twisting his words, he LITERALLY said all of the things I listed as changes towards a more queer show himself and you can find all the interviews linked in the source I gave in my post! Again the over all tone of my post was “oh my god, look what crazy info I stumbled upon and isn’t it fucking fantastic that these gorgeous queers have turned this regular show into something that means so much to us”. And that you manage to take that positive post and read something sooooo negative into it, just because someone dares to say that maybe David isn’t this amazing queer rights activist that some fans make him out to be and didn’t plan on making a revolutionary queer show, is honestly baffling to me.

I am also not “trying to make any point”, this is my personal block with barely 30 followers where I described my personal feelings towards factually true information and my personal feelings are:

I fucking love Vico, I fucking love Con, I fucking love Kristian (also Nathan and every queer person who worked on this behind the scenes) but I’m not gonna kiss David Jenkins feet for something that wasn’t even his idea, I don’t “owe” a cis straight guy who dosnt understand half of why the things his queer cast came up with are so important, gratitude. I gladly and freely extend a big fucking chunk of gratitude to queer actors who put their heart and soul into their queer roles way more then they are required to. Hope this helps.

#the gentlebeardies are at it again #now you can’t even compliment the actors anymore without being a hater #ofmd season 2 #ofmd drama #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofmd discourse #fandom culture #why the fuck is this fandom so toxic #why are you going into peoples post just to tell them they like the wrong things about a show #I don’t purposefully search for gentlebeard posts just to yell at them that actually Stizzy is way better #If you disagree with a take based on actual show facts argue about it in a polite way #If you dislike a take ignore/block and move on but don’t come at people screeching “you’re wrong/not making the point you think you make” #our flag means death #toxic fandom #ofmd 2 #david jenkins

[crazyw3irdo]

do y’all ever think about how yancy knows how to break out of prison and actively chooses not to. do you ever think about how when he breaks us out he knows the way so easily as if he’s been there a million times before. do you ever wonder if at some point he considered breaking himself out and just couldn’t go through with it.

#i have been thinking about this for the last few days it’s absolutely rotted my brain. like it’d occurred to me before but my brain is sooo #fixated on this lately like he. he knows. and he doesn’t. he’s done bad things and he doesn’t think he deserves it #just. younger yancy who just killed his parents and hasn’t fully processed anything trying to break himself out #standing at the gate knowing he can take a step out and be free again. and he doesn’t. and everything sinks in for him and he just slowly #goes back to his cell. and a few more times he does the exact same thing but… he just can’t bring himself to leave. #he constructs this half-truth about prison life being great and makes friends- makes a family. but. when y/n leaves the first thing he says #is that he’s done bad things. the ‘and hey! this is home!’ seems more like an afterthought that he’s trying to convince himself is true #god the fact that y/n gets a universal key in ending 12… i can see y/n breaking in to try and convince him to leave but he just won’t. he #could’ve gotten out before even without that. but he won’t. if he’s gonna get out he’s gonna do it right. even if it means he can’t stab any #one anymore :( and cmon everyone knows he loves to STAB #this seemed more tangential to include but also. do you think yancy’s ever broken anyone else out? #…do they visit? he was absolutely overjoyed when y/n visited in space i think he doesn’t get that many ngl… #god this character has like 15 or 16 minutes of screen time idk i haven’t recounted after space came out #*pats his head* this bad boy can fit so much overanalysis and headcanons in him #yancy #markiplier #yancy ahwm #ahwm yancy

[neo-shitty]

finally catching up with bsd after one hell of a month (+ midterms) 🫠

#bsd spoilers #updates for ep 2 :3 #right off the bat all i can just say is fukuchi is such a well-written villain; while i can’t completely emphathize with his plan yet #i have to applaud him (uh and asagiri too) bc that’s quite a villain to fear—he’s already in a position of power that puts him in a major #advantage compared to the ada; it’s like he masterminded this whole thing to lead up to this but WHY (idk if i just forgot) #point and case: i hate him and im always terrified of his next move but damn he’s such a well-written antagonist i can’t even 🤐 #ATSUSHI GET OFF THAT FUCKING BOAT RN WHY DID IT HAPPEN SO EARLY INTO THE SEASON IM CRY WAIT NO #fukuchi pointing out that ranpo is just jealous that he and fukuzawa way back is just so adorable made me forget what happens next haha #how come i dont remember these cute moments from the manga 😩 #god im stalling so much :(( i hate it i hate it i hate it #the reveal was so… he should’ve deducted this shit sooner (objectively the build up was so nice hsjdhdj) #MY JAW DROPPED THEN AND IT STILL HAPPENED NOW :))))) #ok fukuchi in his complete villain mode is kinda 😗 #watching this after being detached to bsd in general is so much better bc i can now appreciate the whole thing as is without much bias??? #THE WAY HE JUST TURNED COLD ALL OF A SUDDEN AND I OOP— 😗😗😗😗😗 #oh both canon and beast atsushi and their paralyzing fears :(( my heart actually hurts #ATSUSHI THINKING HE’S ALONE ANDDDDDD #OH MY GOD I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE MY SSKK #I CANT WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE #toff.txt

[enashinonome]

yesterday my classmate asked me if i knew what i wanted to do in the future because i seemed like someone who had a plan, and when i told her i had no idea she was surprised and asked me if i wanted to go to art school @_@ hell of a loaded question there!

#bc she was like ‘ohh aya you’re so good you should apply to art school’ #and my sister says i should apply to art school as well #but i think i’m so out of shape artistically—does that make sense? #i don’t have the resources to be painting better things on bigger canvases #i can’t even draw digitally anymore because procreate crashes every time i open it #and i’m thinking about how much i drew when i was thirteen and how i’m failing chemistry and wasting all of my academic potential by #not taking any science class next year in favor of ap art history which i know my parents deem as worthless #and it’s not like i can DO anything in art history or conservation #so much of my school experience has been floundering about because i’m good at a lot of things but can’t decide what i want to do most. #and now im halfway through high school and i still don’t know what i want to do and it’s not like i have anything impressive to show either #UGHHHHH i hate how fast i’m supposed to figure these things out!!! i might as well become a nun and have my order pay for all my phds #so i can learn without any external pressures like i feel i was born to do!!!!! #🐰

[kavehater]

I need to do a full analysis of the effects of pasilyo on the neurology of the brain cause why is it so good

#it’s like one of the best things I’ve heard in the history of ever #it gives a very specific vibe #I remember in chemistry class my teacher used to do fun activities and she made us tell her the best memories we had #she thinks I’m a sentimental deep thinker except I’m just genuinely severely depressed so I didn’t have anything to say but I described a #specific feeling instead #it’s just this incomparable peacefulness #I haven’t felt that in years #but I don’t know pasilyo reminds me of that same feeling #that exact one; but in a fond way not in a painful I can never attain this feeling again sort of way #even though I literally can’t have it anymore but that’s besides the point #ANYWAYS PASILYO IS THE BEST as well as that one nasheed #I forgot the name uhm uhmmmm ill have to check #dora daily #I think it was mawlai salee wa salim #idk it was a big part of my childhood in the sense it would come on the radio we had every once in a while and I was hooked #it was like a rare yet beautiful nasheed 😭 #ANYWAYS A BILLION THANKS TO RIE CAUSE WITHOUT HER I WOULDVE NEVER KNOWN WHAT THAT MELODY WAS IN THAT ONE HAIKAVEH EDIT AAAAAAH

[your-local-granny]

Being critical of art is all fun and games until you are the art that is being critiqued :(

#God I was feeling so good today but duuuude I’m so scared abt the opera from purely a technical standpoint #like I’m not even stressed about fucking anything up anymore it just hit me that like. I invited people to see this and it might be bad :( #due to variables outside of my control!!!! I hate not being able to fix things #I would be less stressed if my mother wasn’t seeing it but tragically I’m proud of what /i/ am achieving so I really want her to be there!! #but I know it’s going to be SUCH a fucking let down after the other shows she’s seen at my school like #the productions she saw were SO GOOD on a technical standpoint and both of the productions this year were so bad :(((( #like even conveptually I don’t even know if I’m fully convinced and I’m in the show!!! #And idk. It’s hard when you don’t have an extended family (or like much of a family at all) #so the only people coming to your show are like. Broadway technicians #the closest thing I have to an uncle is a lighting designer and a stage manager my mother knows #very fun sometimes. Other times I want to throw myself onto a pyre #Why do the stakes have to be so high why can’t they just be happy to support me :)) I shall never be the center of her world. Ah well #But also we would not be as close as we are without our shared love of theater production so. Catch-22 #And at the end of the day I’m more sad that I can’t be proud of the show #it’s not anyone’s fault it just is and I need to be okay with it #I worked really hard and it matters that I’m doing this #GOD SORRY!!! #vent #portal of rambling

[ironhusband]

Thinking about Erik snapping at Charles with “well maybe you should have fought harder for them” and the pain in his eyes when Charles told him they didn’t want the same things.

#cherik #going insane Erik sitting in that awful cell thinking that Charles will never rescue him but he’ll still know Erik didn’t do this #and him learning Charles thinks he’s a murderer a monster - the one person who had never thought that of him besides his parents - and that #Charles thinks he did do it and he hates everything so much because if Charles gave up hope on him if even Charles is unwilling to fight for #him anymore maybe he truly is a monster and killing raven for the future is just a who he is #thinking of how much it would break Erik of Charles called him a monster to his face #‘you abandoned us all’ but what he means is you abandoned me! you sent me away and you let me rot in prison and you gave up on me #anyways!!! the way Erik wanted Charles to fight for one thing and that was him and he didn’t!! he just gave up and sent him away #listen ok I know Erik left him bleeding on a beach with no way of getting out of there but man I will always be side Erik in the divorce #look at the day the man had!!! he’s paralyzed by fear when confronting his abuser and then Charles tells him to not kill him even tho Erik- #needed it to feel safe like watch the scene watch it!!! and then he’s facing genocide again and this time he can lift the coin and save his #people. then Charles gets shot and he blames ERIK and then he breaks up with Erik like ok I know he’s wounded and all but the fact the #fandom is like ‘oh Charles didn’t mean for them to go he was shot and mad Erik should know better’ #but we’re not like ‘oh Erik faced his childhood abuser and then relived something very similar to his trauma #got blamed for his lover’s injury (and like he doesn’t blame himself for him mom too) and then broken up with. he went through so much #lasting emotional trauma in the span of less than one hour how can he know better’ #and there’s like a good explanation for why Charles would still blame him like Erik was wearing the helmet he couldn’t have picked up on all #that depth without one of the senses he relies on. but the fandom being like Erik is the bad person in this instance #it seems unfair. also it screams I’m a gentile honestly. #also you can’t tell me part of Erik wasn’t like ‘maybe he’d be better off without me’ when he left the beach #x men #Charles Xavier #erik lehnsherr #ramble rumble #now just don’t think of ‘let him come’ being Erik hoping Charles will finally fight for him and say they should have been together #and instead Charles throws more unfair (well about raven) blame in his face

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[flowercrowngods]

Oh, I see. Crying throwing up. Crying throwing up while it's hot. Hot on my floor and time travel steve hurts. Hurts in the best way where you understand. Thank you for sharing him.

*screeching goblin noises*

#hhhhh he!!! he the boy!!! lost and alone and grieving and mourning and traumatised #barely able to breathe. barely able to see to hear to speak to be aware of his surroundings #because the human brain is not build to withstand this much pain without a break. the human brain is not made for time travel #it cannot even imagine death and the end of all things. how is it supposed to live through the end of all things twice?? #how is it supposed to prevent them?? he’s just a child. a boy. one look at him and maternal & paternal instincts go ham #we see it with joyce in chapter three we see it in hopper again and again. #the boy is so messed up the narrator needs to be unreliable #he’s. he can’t. he can’t look in the mirror anymore. he can’t talk anymore. he #god. yeah. uh. you’re welcome nonnie? 😂😭 i’m right there with you tho #not to be that person but like. i wrote this? these are my words?? damn 😭 etc etc #time travel au

[francisforever2014]

my dad did something to fuck up the whole family so now i’m trying to convince him (subliminally) to come down here to help me move in summer . you know as reparations

#he decided to move back to texas . and told my little sister (14 years old!!!) that she could go with him . without telling my mom . yknow #the person with primary custody . who’s been her primary caregiver (technically 😐) for 7 years now . #and put the entire decision on my sister . and the burden of telling my mom on her too . #anyways that’s been a shit show for the past like month and i’ve been dealing with the brunt of it ofc despite not even LIVING THERE #bc my sister can’t talk to either of them about it and my mom is being actually unhinged and delusional and talking about moving too now #despite my sister begging her not to but she had a ‘vision’ that it’s the right thing to do #so anyways . i’ll always be dragged into this it seems but i don’t mind as much anymore like i’m just glad my sister can come to me #bc i’m just helping her and not even having to talk to my parents #but i will be yelling at them when i go home for break #but anyways!!!!! i’m trying to convince my dad to move when i also need to move out so he can do swing by here on his way to texas 😭 #the least he can do imo

[swordmaid]

am getting a lot of character inspo for shri’iia from amy gone girl. I don’t think she’s as smart nor calculated but she is similar to some degree in that she’s hyper aware of the current persona she’s presenting and how she’s appealing to the people. the masks and the mjndgames, that’s basically how shri’iia operated while she was still serving under her matriarch in menzoberranzan. she needed to play the roles the matriarch required of her and it was only when she was with her matriarch that she can be ‘Real Shri’iia’, and that’s how I imagined shri’iia to be esp in act 1 when she is so new and scared in the surface. she needed to work out who these people are (her companions) and what they liked, so her first persona - her blank one - the charming helpful paladin who got tadpoled and wants to go back home just like the rest of them (which was half true). she didn’t really argue and she generally agreed to what the group wanted. she was helpful and co-operative, ask her about her past and she will tell you something bland and generic- interesting enough to be ooh-ing about but not too interesting that they’ll delve deeper into it. then, when she got to know them a little more, she started crafting little personas adjacent to her first one ; she’s the girl who’s curious about magic but never had the chance to learn with gale, she’s a cool girl who likes mischief as debauchery with astarion, she’s the one who likes to take risks and live in the moment with karlach, the knight in silver armor who’s willing to help the tieflings with wyll, a disciplined fighter with lae’zel, someone who understands the depths of devotion with shadowheart - but none are really her, not really. ofc her own personality might slip in here and there but for the most part she’s appealing to them and what they’d like her to be but none of it is really genuine. shri’iia just needs to be on their good side to minimise the chances of them turning on her, and if they let her guard down it’ll be easier for her to get rid of them should the need arise. taking up all these different masks, collecting all these intel abt them to be used for later, slithering and making a place in their minds - it’s really how she operated back in menzoberranzan. I think the only one who catches on to her game is astarion but that’s bc he’s doing the same thing too, so it’s very game recognises game lmfao

it’s only when she breaks her oath and goes through her existential crisis that all of her masks drop and her real self comes out. she was never that kind of person lmfao ^, she’s greedy, selfish, paranoid and rather obsessive. she doesn’t care about a lot of things that doesn’t concern her, she has a cruel streak that she hasn’t shown before, and she hates doing anything that won’t really benefit her. but she’s fiercely loyal to anyone she likes, like a dog. and severely she craves validation and approval - also like a dog.

#like if shri’iia was smarter and wiser it’s really over for you hoes 😔 but she’s not lol #the matriarch also taught her how to deceive so she had good training lool like that’s coming from the master liar herself #and in game Shri’iia’s deception is p high so it tracks 👯‍♀️ #but anyway I finished reading gone girl and shri’iia would’ve turned out like amy in her vengeance ending #I think if her paranoia consumed her and an outside figure validated her way of faking herself #and generally moulded her back to being that overly obsessive paladin who lives to serve - which is what her matriarch made her to be #but obv she can’t be that girl in the surface .. they can’t know abt the Lolth worship! they’ll kill her! so she makes a new one … a #completely different one that’s so detached from her previous self … someone new and charming and fun and harmless and the kind of person #you’ll feel safe around and happy to travel with. she is that girl! and more! and she’s down for anything! and she loves to help! #but she forgets the goddess she worships is fickle and vengeful and proud so her favor drops and suddenly her real self is left #with nothing .. so she doesn’t know what to do anymore … she doesn’t know if she should keep up this fake one I mean what’s the point does #she even have it in her anymore?? how can she go back home when they don’t want you back #like who is SHE without lolth even … bc the girl that she has been playing is nothing but a blank image #and that’s NOT her .. never been her… so shri’iia is left bewildered confused and even more scared #like what do you do if you’ve been left behind in this new world?? and the purpose of your existence doesn’t want you anymore but the #thing is she knows where she went wrong.. but she didn’t have a choice - or did she?? shri’iia doesn’t know .. she’s not a planner #you don’t need to plan when your matriarch does all the thinking for you and you just do what ur told bc there is nothing better than to #serve and fulfill your oath …!!! so she ends up getting wasted in a party with the people she didn’t even care to save lmfao #and then she gets drunk and ends up fucking this one guy just bc she asked and she’s already hit rock bottom #lolth always says fuck elves anyway so she goes off and do just that 🤷‍♀️ #shut up abt bg3.

[uneorange]

Things I’m missing about you today:

- when you would sing while cleaning the house

- the sound your bracelets made on the kitchen table when you would help me with my homework

- the way you would pet your goldfish on the head with one finger when he swam to the top of the tank to greet you

- your lipstick smudged on my cheek when you gave me a kiss to annoy me (I was never, ever annoyed)

- sitting between your legs while you braided my hair

- watching you paint your nails

- the way you knew which ultraman episodes would have the theme song in English and which would be in Japanese

- sitting next to you on the couch and watching inuyasha in the dark

- the fact that you let me be the weirdest version of myself that I could be and the only thing you ever said about it was “which character is your boyfriend in this show?”

- the smell of your perfume

- your very sparse grey hairs

- when you’d make up some arbitrary monetary value for every basic task (using your bathroom cost $5 dollars. I say this to my students, too. It makes them laugh like it made me laugh)

- when you would become a vampire and bite me on the cheek, not enough to hurt. Just enough to make me laugh and tell you to go away

- your collection of little trinkets. So many little glass trinkets

- so so so many episodes of gunsmoke and bonanza

- when you’d tell me no, I couldn’t keep a blue crab for a pet. Put it in the pot.

- the way you always tucked my blankets in way too tight

- unlacing your shoes for you because you swore you just couldn’t reach

- dancing in the living room with you

- you, before you weren’t you anymore

#I don’t even visit you because you’re just dust and formaldehyde in a box in the dirt. and a stone. #and I feel guilty. #and I’m sorry we didn’t talk much at the end. #but you were so tough and so brave and I know things were hard. #I wish I could have known you as an adult #I wish we could have gone shopping. and gone out to eat #I wish you could come read to my students and help me decorate my classroom #I wish you came to my college graduation #I wish I could ask you why your biscuits are the best ones on the whole planet #I wish you would braid my hair again like just one more time #when I do it it doesn’t look as nice #adulthood is not as fun without a mommy I look for you everywhere and I can’t find you #I don’t even know which parts of me are you anymore because it’s been so long #and I couldn’t ask you while you were here #can you come back please? #please?