#datestearsbandageaids

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

April 08. 2024

Three days ago would've been our anniversary.

It's true than since January we started kissing under dim lights, but it was on April 05, after you had already left me once, that I asked you to be mine.

Last year, on April 05, we were at my house and you were not talking to me, because when you used to get mad you would ignore me. I had cooked your favorite meal and I had made a surprise for you, but I spent most of the day trying to convince you to talk to me.

"Would you be my boyfriend?" I finally asked 

"Yes, but, we need to talk about it something later"

"About what?" I asked 

"Don't worry, it's not important right now" you pulled me in to kiss me, maybe so I would stop asking questions 

It was important. You had to tell me you were going away and you would not keep a relationship with me, you had to me tell me we were temporary, that you didn't wanted a relationship because you were going to end it.

And still you said yes.

There days ago, this year, I cooked my favorite meal, I watched my favorite movie, I had friends at my house, we laughed and joked and talked about themes we love remembering about.

I took them to my favorite spot in town. We gifted each other stuff

We walked at night around my neighborhood how we had done a thousand times before.

And someone held my hand the whole way home.

Next year, today is the day I'll remember, and not the day a man made me beg him for answers.

#pt77 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #anniversary #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Oct 01. 2023

Your absence did not break my heart, it was your presence.

It was the fact that you knew how hard it was for me to let go, you knew that when you left, I was torn into pieces, you knew I started getting better, you knew I started getting over you.

And then you came back.

You came back, because you knew, you just couldn't let me come out alive from us.

When I had you in my life I was suffering, because I was too weak to let you go. You never had an issue in leaving me, and still, you came back, and you stayed, even though you knew I did no deserve that.

Your presence broke me, because even though I wanted you there, I knew that you being there meant you did not care for me, you did not care I was in pain, you just cared you were not alone.

I look back and I can't remember the reasons why I let you stay, I look back and want to understand why did I let you make a home out of me just to then abandon it?

I let you make a vacation house out of me, visiting when you got bored, ravishing me once you arrived, filling myself with groceries, games, lights, music and friends. You slept peacefully and deeply into the night, while others you stayed up, talking to my walls and praising me.

And then you packed everything and left, you did this again and again. I'm functional for a weekend, never to make permanent residence of me.

You made of me the houses I grew up in, not a frame in sight, the walls alone, naked and empty. Filled with boxes that never got unpacked, with neighbors that never learned your name, you didn't stayed long enough for them to bother remembering it.

Next time you park on the street, you'll see the clothes you left, out on the front porch, the paint will be a different color, and i added flowers to the entrance, you will walk to the door and realized I changed the locks. I hung curtains that won't let you see inside, and an entrance matt that says: "welcome home"; and you'll know this is not a house that waits for you no more.

I'm meant to be stayed at, not to be a visit when you are tired of the town you ran away to.

I wish you a safe trip to the next person you decide to make a vacation of, and I hope they learn they deserve better than a man who acts like a boy and abandons like a father.

#pt 45 #digital journal #love #lovers #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #long distance relationship #hate #poem #situationships #exes #no contact #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Feb 19. 2024

I could've spent the rest of my life without you

Maybe even forgive you years later and reach out to know how you're doing.

But you came back, crawling, begging me, to treat you as bad as I want as long as you get to know of my day

I want you dead 

I will build a solid ground in which I'll let you think I'm cold and rude just so you can warm me up again, so you can gloat and how once again you got me, how you charmed me and disarmed me

And when you think I'm completely at your mercy

I'll destroy you 

#pt 72 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #pain #hatred #nostalgia #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

March 28, 2024

Staying away from you is so easy

Never, not even once, have I looked for you once you've gone away.

Once we part, you are the one looking backwards

Not being with you is so easy

The hardest part is stepping away

That's why I always let you do it, I let you leave me

Once again, you've disappeared after swearing loyalty until the end, after you claimed longing and yearning so strong you could not live without me.

I don't think anymore is my fault you end up running away, you used to make me feel I was responsible for not being able to keep you near.

No.

You have a way of knowing when I'm ready to give up on you.

"I saw Orion and I got reminded of you"

I hpe you choke 

#pt 76 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #broke no contact #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

March 20. 2024

I dream of a life I could be happy about your return

A life in which you did not needed to come back, because you never left

I dream of a life in which i could be happy to love you

A life in which loving you meant no shame and pity

But even though I long for it, I know it could never be with it

You come with sadness and hurt, if you treated me with care, I would grow bored of the safety.

I look for pain

I look for hurt 

I look for wounds 

I can't get enough of us 

You once told me you relished pain, that you romanticized it

I thought it was ridiculous

And then you taught me to dive my fingers inside my wounds just so I could still find traces of you there.

We are pain

And how I crave it

#digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #wounds #blood #toxic #pt 75

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

March 16. 2024

I like the attention you give me

Though it never really lasts, doesn't it?

You come showing me all the things you kept of me, everything you wrote on my name and the songs you listened when you missed me.

'Cause you missed me

And that is my fatal flaw

I melt at the thought of being missed 

I think about the boy who said I would destroy you next time you approached me again, 'cause I knew you would do it; you always come back to me.

 Oh I wait for the day we see each other in person

Cause you'll regret ever saying my name again

#pt 74 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #come back #nostalgia #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Feb 18. 2024

You send me a voicenote 

I panicked when I saw it, I could never forget your face, but your voice faded away with the time.

I believe it's cause you never talked about what was important, so I remember you as a silence.

I heard your voice today after 5 months of not doing so.

I was terrified

And then i was disappointed 

#pt 71 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #nostalgia #melancholia #disappointed

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

January 31. 2024

Exactly one year ago, the night layed down on us, we touched hands in between our beds and in whispered tones I asked: "can I kiss you?"

One year ago I thought there was no better feeling than being loved in the darkness.

Tonight I never spent a moment alone, I painted a bag, got gifted flowers, received a glass of wine. I layed on a bed laughing so hard I was crying, pictures taken and printing them for our walls, got taken home with the windows down, screaming songs to the wind.

Tonight I was loved in the open light.

And I deserve nothing less.

#pt 68 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #melancholia #pain #tears

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Jan 27. 2024

One year ago, I was falling in love for the first time.

One year ago I learned what true heartbreak means, and the lengths someone will hurt another just to not feel alone.

But not yet, that was months later.

One year ago, I was falling asleep holding hands and touching each other in secret wondering if there was more than a friendship between us.

One year ago I felt like I was flying.

I was

I ended up bleeding at a sidewalk after my inevitable crash.

You shot me.

But not yet, that was months later.

One year ago you kissed me as if I was made of light.

When in reality, I was the moth and you were an iridiscent electric lamp.

Lured me to get close just so I would get stung

You killed me at the touch.

But not yet, that was months later.

One year ago you loved me.

Did you though? 

Or was that just the beginning to another of your fooling around chores?

You left me just as you found me.

Alone, scared, dry, guarded and closed off.

But not yet, that was months later.

One year ago I was falling in love.

What a stupid thing to do.

#pt 67 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #no contact #melancholia #pain

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Nov 10. 2023

When I think about you more is at night, maybe because it was the only time you were mine.

On the broad daylight, you would barely kiss my lips, you were busy putting on a show around everyone who dared to look your way.

I would compete with them, seeing if you would talk to them or me. They always won.

But it was in parties under the influence of alcohol and dim lights, away from prying eyes; in the darkness of my room, that you could barely keep your hands to yourself.

You used to tell me my writing was a masterpiece, that I had a way of using words beyond the realm you could even comprehend. I told you how my dream was to publish a book with my words written on them; you told me you could swear on your life that I was going to do it.

You never even read my best material, because I write from pain, and I had never experienced pain the way you caused me.

My best work comes from stabbings you made and blood spilled on your hands.

My best work cuts deeply inside of me, and it has your name carved on it.

My best work was also your best one.

I think out of all the dried up ex lovers you had, I was the one who had to build himself up from the ground you stepped on to move on.

Out of all of them, I'm the one you left more maimed.

And I'm the one that will never, not even once, will look back again.

#pt 55 #poetry #angst #digital journal #spilled poetry #spilled thoughts #breakup #heartbreak #art #love #lovers #exes #datestearsbandageaids #hate #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #no contact #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Oct 9. 2023

Our time together feels like a movie, not because it was exceptional or anything, but because I remember the events, but I can't picture myself in them.

I see through a window, us in the kitchen, baking, kissing and then watching a movie, I see us holding hands, I see us sleeping together.

That's my face and my laugh and my tears, but I can't remember being in that moment, I just remember it from the outside.

It feels like it's been years since I've felt your touch, years since I felt what it was to be in love.

It hasn't, but you tattered me that much that I can't remember how it felt loving you, the only trace of you left in me is anger.

I think about how the world was trying to tell me we would never work out. Aside from literally everyone telling me I deserved more than you, it was the things that happened that were screaming at me: let him go.

How we were friends for 3 years and only when we started dating you got approved to move to another state

How when I went to visit the town you were going to move, I left it the same day you arrived.

How I always told you my dream was to be kissed under the rain, and you would leave my house dry, but the second you went away, the sky would pour like crazy.

How everytime we would break up, I would get everything I've always wanted and lose it as soon as you came back

We were meant to collide, crash and burn, because we bring that out from the other.

I let you be horrible, I let you indulge in your selfish traits no one can stand, I let you change your mind, ruing everything and then come back.

You gave me crumbs, just enough to keep me happy for a while, ignoring that I was completely mserable, giving blood out to someone who couldn't be honest with me.

"I can't forgive you this time" I told you when you ended me

I mean it, please, never think that I will heal and grow and forget or forgive, cause I won't; I've learned that with you, forgiving means opening a door to wreck me again.

Next time I'll see you, I'll be mean, I'll be rude, I'll be distant, I'll be cold, I'll be indifferent, but I will never be kind again, not to you, not ever.

I won't give you the chance, I won't even give you the opportunity to think you can be close to me again.

You lost that, you had it, and you disregard it.

You don't deserve that

You don't deserve me.

So no, I will not ever forgive you for killing the light in my eyes, I will never forgive you for making me hide my softness when it was so hard for me to trust it out.

I will never forgive you for ending the kindness in me

I will never forgive you for opening me up, make me love you and then leave

I will never forgive you for using me as you pleased

I will never forgive you for making me feel so disposable

I will never forgive you for making me doubt my love

I will never forgive you for making me cry to my favorite songs

I will never forgive you for making me feel like I was asking too much, when I wasn't even asking for the minimum

I will never forgive you for making me feel like I did something wrong

I will never forgive you for going away

I will never forgive you for coming back

I will never forgive you for destroying our friendship

I will never forgive you for breaking up with me on my birthday

I will never forgive you for making me cry myself to sleep

I will never forgive you for making me think you loved me

I will never forgive you for saying you loved me just wreck me again and again

I will never forgive you.

#pt 49 #digital journal #love #lovers #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #pain #tears #broken heart #no contact #anger #melancholia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Dec 17. 2023

For all the times I wrote how scared I was to see you, I didn't even wrote the day I actually did.

It was 4 days ago.

In a room full of people, in a fancy ceremony, meters away from me.

But you were there, wearing a hat and pants and a hoodie to a formal event.

I do not care what you were doing there or if you were invited. I just know that I saw you and for two seconds the puking you used to caused me came back to me.

And then i turned around to see where I was.

In my friends graduation, cheering for them, sitting with their family.

I ran towards them, we hugged, me cried, we laughed, we went to have dinner.

And you were wearing pants to a formal event.

For the first time ever, I think I saw you how you always were supposed to be. 

From the outside, out of place.

On the bleachers looking at us on the stage, screaming, hugging and laughing.

I had been terrified of you searching for me in the only place I didn't blocked you, and today I woke up thinking: why should I even give you the opportunity?

You were always better in my head

And you were also scarier on it.

Now that I saw you.

Well, you were just there.

And that caused nothing on me

#pt 65 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #no contact #nostalgia #melancholia #moving on #healing

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Dec 13. 2023

I've started to dream about you again.

That'd hadn't happened in months

And it's a dream that repeats and continues every night, like I'm watching a movie unfold.

I dream that we end up living together, we didn't knew, we didn't planned it, but somehow we end up being roomies in the same apartment.

We don't talk, we barely cross paths when we're there and we ignore each other.

We don't talk.

It's the most realistic dream I've had of you

#pt 64 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #pain #exes #nostalgia #melancholia #heartbreak

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Dec 06. 2023

You're here

See, you're like a disease.

As soon as you stepped into this town, everyone announced you're arrival as if you were the black plague.

I thought I would be more concern.

I would put a battle armor, start mapping a plan, do something, anything...

But no, I received the news and I continued with my day as if nothing.

Cause I'm familiar with this plague, I've had it before.

But now I'm inmune.

#pt 60 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #pain #tears #no contact #nostalgia

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Nov 17. 2023

I feel you like a disease inside of me

Sometimes I can't even feel you, others I can sense how you are pestering me from within.

You live as a ghost inside of me.

Today I smoked a cigarette and it felt I was tasting you.

A sharp sting on my throat and a burn on my chest, it left a dry sweet taste in my mouth and it made me dizzy in the head.

I felt a pit in my stomach and a headache at the top.

I didn't liked it.

But i smoked it again.

I smoked the half of it when I decided that nothing can be worth it if it reminds me of you. Not even if the aftertaste is sweet.

Because the first inhale always hurts.

You were the opposite.

You used to taste sweet, and left me with a dry painful taste on my lips.

#pt 57 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #exes #heartbreak #melancholia #no contact #smoking #cigarettes #pain

[dates-tears-bandageaids]

Nov 14. 2023

Everyone who ever knew of us has at least said once to me: "believe me, you're better off this way", "luckily you got out", "you got out on time", "you dodged a bullet"

"You dodget a bullet"

"You dodget a bullet"

I did not dodged a bullet, I was shot.

I did not dodged you, you shot me.

Again and again you shot me, and you looked me in the eyes while you did it.

I'm so tired of everyone pretending I was left unscarred from you.

You shot me, you passed right through me.

I had to tend to my own wound, bandage it as much as could. I had to clean it, stich it and take care of it.

No, I did not dodged you.

But neither did you avoided me.

Maybe you didn't noticed, maybe the wound is slightly open.

But sooner or later.

You will bleed from me.

#pt 56 #digital journal #poetry #spilled poetry #datestearsbandageaids #hate #love #lovers #long distance relationship #poem #situationships #pain #wound #melancholia #exes #no contact #blood