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cryptotheism · 6 months

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Ranking Every Large Monster in Monster Hunter Rise by How Tasty I Think They Would Be:

A TIER - Delicious Tier. Monsters that are prized for their delicious meat. The tier reserved for luxury meats like foie gras, or wagyu beef.

Tetranodon [A+]

Luxurious, fatty, versatile, and convenient. These massive omnivorous amphibians cushion their ponderous weight with layers of marbled fat. Shanks are delicious spit-roasted over an open flame, or breaded and fried in their own drippings. Neck, and breasts are cubed for stew meat and stuffed back into the shell with herbs for pit baking. Butt and sirloin are slow-cooked in clay pots to reduce in their own fat like fine carnitas.

Jyuratodus [A]

These omnivorous filter-feeders are prized in-universe for their meat. Its bipedal stance but fishlike physiology imply a meat somewhere between salmon, catfish, and chicken. Denser thighs are cut into steaks and smoked. The more muscular sirloin is butterflied and deep-fried like catfish filets. The fatty brisket would be the finest cut, reserved for sushi.

Lagombi [A-]

The already-delicious rabbit, evolved for long-pursuit sub-arctic grazing. Powerful hip joints cushioned by layers of cold-resistant fat. The lagombi would produce a brisket fit for the pinnacles of sephardic cuisine, basted in honey, orange juice, prunes, and apricots. Shoulder and rump should be sliced thin, basted with herbs and oil, and used for gyros.

(Long Post Ahead)

B TIER - Ordinary Tier. Monsters that can be eaten, and eaten well. The tier of humble, everyday meats like chicken, pork, and beef.

Great Izuchi / Great Wroggi / Great Baggi [B+]

The chicken of monster hunter ecology. When butchered and clipped of their poison sacs, claws and feet, I can imagine these beasts whole roasted like a holiday turkey, or spit roasted like rotisserie chicken. Given their tails and posture, I imagine they taste slightly oily and gamey, closer to pheasant or game hen than chicken, but still wholly within the realm of chicken.

Kulu-Ya-Ku [B+]

A leaner, more agile cousin of the great Izuchi. Similar to Cornish game hen, their limbs produce less meat, but their bodies are traditionally eaten stuffed with herbs, and basted with fat during baking. Flesh is similar to waterfowl, oily, slightly dense, but a sponge for flavor. Not fatty enough to fire-roast, but careful baking can produce a delicious Kulu-Ya-Ku a l'orange.

Aknosom [B]

Would be placed higher on this list were it not for the complication of having to butcher and remove the flame sac. Specialty cuisines would be developed for cooking a butchered aknosom in its own fluids. Slightly more fat than the Kulu-Ya-Ku, but I would prefer stewing, perhaps an aknosom vindaloo.

Anjanath [B]

A large monster, armored with dense fat rather than scales. Two caveats: Anjanath eat just about anything, so the taste of their meat would heavily depend on the anjanath's diet, and their flame sac is notably more complex than many other fire-breathing monsters. If properly grazed on offal and vegetables scrap, their meat has a texture somewhere between beef and pork. The top sirloin is especially prized, but notably difficult to acquire.

Diabolos [B-]

Most of the meat on these massive, armored predators is far too dense to be worth eating. However, their fatty brisket and thighs are delicious after significant, significant slow-roasting. A favorite for BBQ.

Rathalos / Rathain [B-]

These large, agile predators are eaten more for their abundance than their taste. Rath meat is similar to horse in texture; stringy, sparse, and of variable taste depending on their hosts diet. Most chefs get around the unpleasant texture by grinding cuts into hamburger or sausage filling, and spicing heavily.

C TIER - Uncommon Tier. Monsters who can be eaten, but are likely not one’s first choice. The tier of uncommon meats such as rabbit, crocodile, and venison.

Royal Ludroth [C+]

The neck sacs are unpleasantly spongy, and taste of pus if butchered incorrectly. The meat itself is passable, but similar to gator, dense, fishy, chewy if improperly cooked. The choicest cuts are the tail and sirloin, ideal for gumbo. Skillful chefs can produce a wonderful griddle-cooked Ludroth-mac-n-cheese.

Somnacanth [C+]

Surprisingly difficult to butcher. These creatures feature a complex endocrine system that constantly threatens to ruin their frankly sparse and oily meat. Skilled chefs marinate tail and belly cuts in a sweet and savory sauce, to produce a result strangely similar to pineapple marinated fish, or somnacanth al-pastor.

Almurdron [C]

Nearly inedible, but can produce delicacies when butchered properly. Their serpentine bodies are extremely muscular, and feature a weaponized excretory tract that can make the meat foul and actively dangerous to consume if butchered improperly. When prepared correctly, most of the animal is discarded, save for the sheathe of subcutaneous fat and tissue which can be used as a sausage casing. Ground almurdron offal sausage is a common feed for domesticated carnivores, but is occasionally enjoyed by humans. The discerning chef may long-cure the meat, producing a rare and exotic cold-cut enjoyed similarly to a rattlesnake sausage.

Basarios [C]

Tough, dense, extraordinarily difficult to butcher. The sheer amount of effort involved in butchering these creatures for consumption often outstrips their culinary benefits. When they are eaten, they are drained by the neck and packed in clay for pit baking. Even then, the meat is spongy and gamey, not unlike raw calamari or rocky mountain oysters.

Barroth [C]

Similar to a great Izuchi, but tougher, chewier, less available, and far more difficult to butcher. Even skilled butchers and captive ranchers have been unable to remove the faint muddy taste from the meat. A tragedy, in that they are almost tasty in so many ways.

Bishaten [C-]

Of questionable ethicality. Meat has a taste smack dab between pork and chicken, but very lean and slightly gamey. Generally does not have enough meat to be considered worth hunting for consumption, and their diet is varied enough to make the taste a gamble. Occasionally, the fruits they collect may ferment in their pouches. A bishaten persimmon wine reduction is considered a rare delicacy, but generally requires cultivation in captivity.

Rajang [C-]

Skirting the lower end of edibility is the rajang. Meat is leathery, gamey, and chewy, like a steak that worked out before the slaughter. The organ systems that maintain their extraordinary muscle strength may even continue to hold a charge after death, and butchers must be careful to ground the beast before applying any metal tools. Requires cooking so slow that one generally has time to hunt two more beasts in the meantime.

D TIER - Delicacy Tier. Monsters that probably should not be eaten, are only partially edible, or require special preparation. The tier of snake, fish eyes, chicken feet, and most edible insects.

Pukei-Pukei [D+]

Proper butchery of these animals requires extreme skill. Well made Pukei-Pukei pate is treated as a rite-of-passage for aspiring master chefs. A single Pukei-Pukei will only produce 2lbs of fatty cheek, and a single mistake could flood the meat with its deadly toxins. The meat itself is delicate, fatty, and flavorful, akin to a lovechild of white fish and high-quality chicken.

Tobi-Kadachi [D+]

A Tobi-Kadachi’s spines are actually articulated electrosensory organs, akin to insect mandibles. Each follicle is surrounded by a powerful muscle sphincter, and loops into the creature’s endocrine system. Butchery is an exhausting process of plucking and deveining, all for subcutaneous back tissue that is underwhelming and stringy. Ideal serving would be finely ground and baked into a pie.

Goss Harag [D+]

These creatures are not hunted for their meat. Due to a unique quirk of the goss-harag’s sebaceous glands, the creature’s adipose deposits gain a unique flavor. Sufficiently mature Goss Harag lard has an herbal, almost minty, flavor. Its culinary use is divisive, a favorite to some, and reviled by others. Their meat is leathery, foul, and dense. Their livers are sweet, and excellent source of vitamin C when eaten raw, but few culinarians are so adventurous.

Barioth [D+]

Meat is overwhelmingly dense, stringy, and run through with the creature’s jellylike blubber. Some cultures do consume the liver, heart, and testicles, as a source of essential vitamins in sub-arctic environments, but these require skillful butchery and unorthodox techniques to prepare. Offal is sometimes ground and compacted into a baloney-like loaf that is surprisingly good on sandwiches, or stir-fried with eggs.

Tigrex [D]

Tigrex meat is so dense that it cannot be butchered along traditional lines. Ordinarily fatty cuts like breasts and thighs are akin to eating grilled steel wire. However, the lungs, diaphragm, and pelvic muscles are edible after a few days of slow-cooking. Even then, they are quite dense. It is meat that demands a 24 hour pit bake, the realm of BBQ chefs with an experimental streak, or more patience than sense.

Ibushi / Narwa [D]

Bizarre biology and sheer rarity make these creatures a true challenge for the aspiring game chef. Those privileged enough to dine on Narwa meat have described it as fishy and gritty, similar to crab with notes of ozone. Efforts have been made into the production of Ibushi caviar, but none have since been successful.

Bazelgeuse [D]

Inedible. Even attempting butchery can cost an overconfident chef their hand. However, their unfertilized eggs are delicious, a bomb of umami and natural capcasin. Ideal for Huevos Rancheros or about ten savory omelets.

Arzuros [D-]

When raised in captivity, on a purely vegetarian diet of herbs, honey, and berries, their meat can be edible. Given that Arzuros are an omnivorous predator, the ethicality of this is contested. Even when properly farmed, arzuros meat is lumpy, unpleasantly textured, and lacking in any distinct flavor. All of the time, controversy, and resources required to produce a single Arzuros steak would be better spent on Tetranodon.

Nargacuga [D-]

Only edible in that it can be physically consumed. Nargacuga meat is relegated to fringe cuisine, the purview of dubious half-magical medicinal stews and rumors during famine years. The meat is unpleasant, somehow bland, foul, dry, and oily at the same time. Only theoretically edible when mixed with other meats, and heavily spiced. Additionally, the creature’s adrenal secretions can be actively dangerous in more than trace amounts. Improper butchery can make the meat hazardous to consume.

Chameleos [D-]

Most of these creatures are inedible. The biological mechanisms that facilitate their light-bending abilities are not understood by zoologists, much less chefs. Their meat is sparse and leathery, similar to ludroth, but is also to cause a dangerous allergic reaction in more than 50% of consumers. The only part of the Chameleos known to be safe is their eyes, which are candied and served with sweet rice as a dessert delicacy.

Mizutsune [D-]

Tastes of soap. Only reached D rank because roughly 10% of the population bears a genetic quirk that makes Mizutsune meat taste like cilantro.

F TIER - Inedible. Monsters that should not be eaten, cannot be eaten, or are actively dangerous to eat.

Kushala Daora [F+]

With a skin of iron-laced keratin, the Kushala Daora is more fit to be used as a grill than placed upon it. The meat is dense, overwhelmingly bloody, and riven with grits of iron oxide. Tastes like iron shavings kneaded into leather.

Khezu [F+]

It is said in-lore that many hunters have tried, and failed, to make the Khezu palatable. These giant leeches feature a complex digestive and endocrine system more useful for medical applications than cuisine. Escargot is already unpleasant. Even stir fried like chinese periwinkle snails, Khezu meat is far too muscular to eat. Tastes like an art eraser soaked in cough syrup.

Rakna-Kadaki [F+]

Edible only in the sense that it can be physically consumed. Where the fire-breathing organs of other organisms can be removed during butchery, insect respiration is done through spiracles in the carapace. Spider meat already tastes of pus and rot, but the rakna-kadaki features overtones of sulphur and gasoline.

Zingore [F]

A large, muscular, agile pursuit predator with biological mechanisms for electroconductivity. Wolflike predators already taste of gristle and death, but the Zingore’s electrochemical organ system taints its meat with an overwhelming flavor of bleach and battery acid. Meat is highly toxic to humans.

Teostra [F]

A large, muscular pursuit predator known for attacking caravans to eat gunpowder. The meat is stringy, gristly, sulfurous, and smells of rotting eggs. Impossible to cook, as applying any sort of heat will cause the meat to rapidly combust. Tastes of old rope bathed in a sulfur vent.

Valstrax [F-]

A heavily armored, extraordinarily agile aerial pursuit predator with a secondary respiration system to facilitate jet propulsion. Meat is stringy, rubbery, chemically astringent with overwhelming notes of crude oil and smog. Biological fluids are a chemical accelerant, and risk exploding if ignited.

Magnamalo [F-]

The only thing that could make this monster edible would be slow-roasting in the whole shell. This should never be attempted. Given its purple coloration, the Magnamalo’s secondary respiration system exhales what is likely a complex and highly volatile lithium phosphate. Meat is dense, gristly, tastes of battery acid and spoiled wine. Risks exploding if ignited, oxygenated, or introduced to an electrical charge.

Volvidon [F-]

Indescribably foul. The volvidon’s digestive tract produces both a paralytic venom, and a predator deterrent in the form of toxic flatulence. Consumption will risk paralysis and uncontrollable vomiting, risking a horrific death by asphyxiation.

#Monster Hunter

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thefandomdirtymind · 7 months

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Shiny offering

OPLA - Vinsmoke Sanji

Sanji Series - NSFW The small favor

A/N IMPORTANT: I am the little weirdo who's like crows and though that a pirate with a crow would be really cool. So, I'm really sorry if you're scare of bird, but I hope you will find the story funny because I have a lot of fun with it and my new obsession for this man.

* English is not my first language, I tried really hard to correct myself but, I hope you will excuse me if some mistakes are still there.

If you enjoy my story please let me know.

---

Sanji never had a particular interest in birds. At least not living ones. Once featherless, beheaded and ready to be cooked. He, of course, has a lot of thoughts and recipes about how to prepare them, each idea more delicious than the other.

But, as the Crow expanded his wings and flew above him for the fifth time that day. He started to wonder if the black bird meat would taste more like chicken and then, be better in a rotisserie kind of dish, or would it be surprisingly more delicate, like the duck.

A mystery he would probably never know even if he could. Or if he did, not with this precise bird. Because, even if the blond never had a thought about the feathered animal, he has a lot of interest in you and, as irritating as it is, your crow seems to dislike him as much as Zoro does.

He didn’t attack him directly of course, you would never let this happen.

Yet, if Sanji is too close to you when you're all on the deck or if you share a moment alone with the cook. The damn winged dinosaur never missed a beat stealing his, lite or not, cigarette that was in his hand or between his lips.

The bird has often even tried to take his ring, but, to this day, never succeeded. However his favorite target was his blonde hair. Golden straw that he could pick few at the time between his beck before flying away as quickly as he could.

Everytime, as you tried without success to not laugh. Biting your lips in that charming way he liked so much. You assure him that Deimos didn’t really hate him, he was just a little bit too protective or attracted to the shiny thing on his person. Like humans he needs time to adjust to new people.

“ I understand Madam, but I don’t see stealing Zoro shinny earring neither and that be a show I would love to see “ He once replied, trying to repress the bitterness in his tone, massaging the sore spot on his head where Deimos had took three of his hair.

“Well, Zoro didn’t have hair similar to pretty rays of sunshine, that’s for sure and I honestly don’t know, they seem to already be best buddy that kinda funny “ You said, your gaze fixed on the strange duo that was Zoro and your pet, napping in a hammock between two Tangerine trees.

“ That because they have something in common, they both hate me that’s why”

“ You know, Crows love to collect things who shine and offer them to their partner or their favorite human. Once a crow trusts you, he or his children never forget you, they have a memory that they extend to their children for generations and they will always return to you. It’s amazing”

“ Then Madam it seem that I will be hate for generation “

It has been almost five months now that you were a member of the crew and the relentless animal didn’t stop. Although, Sanji couldn’t forget that conversation that you had about those damn birds offering shining things to the person they affectionate. The way you smiled, the gleam in your eyes as if you were sharing that fun fact like if it was a romantic story. Even if it was an anodin moment, he couldn’t forget how perfect you were. Relax, your arm crossed on the railing of the upper deck in the soft light of the morning.

It wasn’t a secret that the blondie fell for you at the minute that he saw you. He had tried to flirt as much as he could, challenged your taste buds by making you his best dishes and even switched his generic “Madam” for a warmer nickname “ mon coeur”. A sweet name he uses, usually as often as he calls himself the Best Cook of the East blue.

“ Mon coeur, do you want a kind of food in particular for supper ?”

“ Be careful Mon coeur, the tea is hot”

“ You see Mon coeur, one day I will see the All Blue and I will explore it with you ”

But, nothing had seemed to enlighten your comprehension about his intention. Of course, a more direct approach would give him an immediate answer, still, like in his cooking, Sanji liked a more slow and progressive approche.

It was when thinking about his next move that the strange event occurred.

Busy in the kitchen, peeling potatoes for his famous beef stew, the man suddenly heard a metallic noise, like a utensil falling on the floor. As a chef, it wasn't uncommon, but since he was alone in the room and all his instruments were in front of him, it was indeed, really strange. It was only after his gaze had scanned the room that he finally saw it.

Perched on the side of the table, under the open window, the dark bird, a spoon in his beck, was watching the floor where a solitary fork was laying.

“ Oh no sir, this place is my domain you will not ruin it, get out” He exclaimed, not without thinking of how ridiculous he must look, talking at this bird like if he was a rude client of the Baratie.

For answer, Deimos only croak once, jumps between two potatoes just in front of him, turns his onyx head on the side and then, under the blue glare of the men, drops the polished spoon.

The eating tool in itself wasn’t really special, unless the fact that it had been lost two weeks ago, along the fallen fork of course.

“ Oh so now you steal my utensil. My hair and my smoke wasn’t enough ?” Sanji sighs before reaching for the discarded silver instrument.

For answer, the crow slowly approached his head to the metallic object and started to admire his own smaller reflection before taking his fly, exiting the kitchen.

Coming back after less than five minutes later, this time with a shimmering shell and one of Nami small hair clips. Same as the spoon, he gently drops them in front of the blonde man, tilling his head, like he is waiting for something.

Like said before, Sanji never had a soft spot for birds, but he had a fond memory of that conversation with you about the way they express their affection. So, little by little, as he watched one by one the glittery, polish, shimmery stuff your crow just bought him, two realizations struck him. First, the damn feathers dinosaur has finally taken a liking for him and second he finally knew how to show you how dear you are in his eyes.

“ Well, I almost regret now that I imagine you many times in my oven. I admit that you don't seem that bad alive now…thank you” Sanji smiled, putting the stew on the stove, letting it cook and before starting collecting the item for his new plan.

It was only a long time after dinner that he could put his said plan in action. With a little help from his now winged friend.

As the Going Merry was lazily crossing the water, Sanji was still again in the kitchen, preparing diverse elements. To citrus marinade for supper the next day, to dry leaf for future recipes.

Nevertheless, he was ready when the flap of the wing followed by footsteps could be heard near his area.

Deimos was the first to enter the kitchen, taking his now usual place in the left corner of the kitchen island, your bracelet still on his beck. Close by a few steps, you enter at his pursuit, stopping only when you seen the strange show that was the gorgeous chef ,slowly busy pressing a lemon and your large pet, sharing the same space without apparent bickering.

“ Hi Sanji, sorry to barge in there like that. Deimos feels apparently playful today, he stole my bracelet. But look at you both, you finally bound as I can see” You joyfully said, taking a seat in front of the kitchen island.

“ Hello Mon coeur, well as you can see we came to an arrangement if I can call it that. " Sanji replied, pulling an almond from his pocket and giving it to the bird as he rescued your bracelet “ But I’m grateful that he bring you here now, I also had something for you, a special dessert”

Turning his back from you for a minute, missing the long glance you give to his perfect ass in his tailored pants, you smile. You weren't stupid, in fact, you were particularly smart. Even if you didn’t understand why Usopp had taken a habit of joking about the fact that you seem blind to love.

You had noticed the blonde chef the first day on this boat and since then, had developpe what Nami had called a “crush” on him. What’s not love about him ? You like the way he calls you Mon coeur making yours fluster, the way his smile reaches his eyes every time he talks about food and of course the fact that he was always so kind with you. But never you would push those thoughts on him, no, it seems that all his love was for food and as long as you live you will respect that.

The first thing you saw after the blondie had put the bowl in front of you was the beauty of the presentation. Served in a plain white bowl, a delicate pale lilac ice cream was piled, decorated with colorful berries that automatically make your mouth water.

However it wasn’t the berries who’s most caught your eyes. Coating there the side of a raspberry, there in a few pieces the side of the cold cream, there floating lazily like if it were on a river, small gold flakes was highlighting the sweet, giving it the allure of a masterpiece.

“ Homemade lavender ice cream with berries assorted with flakes of edible gold “ Sanji proudly present, your favorite smile on his lips. “ I had the idea when we were talking about crows and their habit of giving their partner or…favorite person…shiny things” He lied. Never would he admit to you that your bird, trying to fancy him, gave him the idea. Never on his chef corpse.

“ Sanji, that’s almost too beautiful to eat. The colors, the sweet smell , the…glittery gold” You admiratively said, your joy suddenly catching up with the realization of what he had just said.

You were his favorite person.

Lifting at the same time your gaze and the spoon, you take a small amount of the ice cream and taste his declaration of love.

Just like him it was amazing. Sweet, refreshing and addictive.

“ So...is that to your liking ? “ He inquired after a small moment, unsure if you taken your time to enjoy the dessert or trying to find a delicate way to put him down.

“ It’s the best thing I ever tasted, here take a bite “ You offer, lifting the silverware at the level of his mouth.

Taking your offering, your gaze lock on each other, you both couldn’t repress your smile as he let slip the head of the spoon out of his mouth.

“ Definitely one of my be…” He couldn’t finish.

His tie caught on your fist, his torso inclined and supported by his strong arms above the kitchen island. Your cold lips had suddenly crashed against his, taking him off guard and at the same time his breath away.

Sanji, still ,quickly catch up. Adjusting his position to support the back of your head with one of his hands. He slightly brushes his tongues against your sugary lips, savoring them like a peculiar delicacy. But, as your tongue met, exploring and dancing against each other in a french ritual. He became more and more greedy of your lips, throwing away his usual self control at the first hearing of your panting breath.

Still trapped in the warm embrace of his lips, enjoying the contrast of his warm tongue against your ice cream cold one, you suddenly heard a groan pronounced by none of you.

“ Great, now the waiter will stop looking like a love sick puppy. But did you really have to expose us to that ?”

Breaking the kiss, you gave a glance at the door where Zoro, his arm crossed on his chest, was rolling his eyes, clearly already done with both of you.

Biting your lips of embarrassment you still couldn’t prevented, neither Sanji at it seem, to smile.

“ Nevermind. Come on black chicken “ He calls your bird, who, now used to it ,goes perch himself on one of his shoulders. Before quitting the doorframe to disappear into the ship “ I have to clean my blade and I know they are not clean enough until you watch your reflection in it. “

Laughing at the incongruous friendship of the Swordsman and your pet. You returned your attention to Sanji, another tea spoon of ice cream in his hand.

“I’m sorry” You apologize, still laughing.

“ No need to be embarrassed Mon coeur “ He smile, regaining as it seem, his composure

“ No, I mean, now I don’t know what I prefer between the dessert or your kisses “

Taken aback, Sanji slowly smiles, deposing a small kiss on your lips.

“ Then why not enjoy them both together…I will gladly supply it every time you ask for it”

Smiling you then proceeded to enjoy the delicious cold dessert and the body warm contrast for the rest of the day and more.

Bonus :

Not that Sanji was ashamed to tell you, no. But, even after a year after the event of the offering silverware et other shiny knick-knacks.

He still had, hide behind a pile of pots, the many items brought to him, along the years, by Deimos. Because, even after all this, he was still the reason why you were finally in his arms at night and yes, he had to admit it, he had kind of come to like it, that damn bird.

#sanji x reader #OPLA Sanji #OPLA #vinsmoke sanji #OPLA Vinesmoke Sanji #OPLA Vinesmoke Sanji x reader #Vinesmoke Sanji x reader #Sanji x Y/N #sanji vinsmoke #opla!sanji x reader #one piece #one piece netflix #one piece live action #Opla sanji x reader #taz skylar

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rotisserie-chicken-detector · 2 months

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every time i see this blog i clap my hands and cheer and go wahoo! yipee!! i eat the Delicious Rotisserie Chicken literally every week so i am very glad to see representation on tumblr.com. i will now defrost an entire chicken so that i can make the Delicious Rotisserie Chicken in about a day, give or take. and then i'll have the Delicious Broth Chicken whence the bones, for the cold winter nights when the Erlking beckons from my window

Yippee Delicious Rotisserie Chicken!! What was that last part though??

#ask the chicken #anonymous #Sorry for my absence I got sick and kind of almost died 👍

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barrenclan · 4 months

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in a way i feel rainhaze killing asphodelpaw also symbolizes him fully killing his old self. he cant return from this. there is no way back. the old rainhaze is now dead and gone. part of him died with his mother and the other half now with his niece. - 🐗

Oh, so much delicious Rainhaze analyzing. I'm eating it up!

This man really does just spin around your head like a rotisserie chicken. I am constantly thinking about him.

#ask #rainhaze #dustfeather #asphodelpaw #analysis

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messier51 · 3 months

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In reference to your tags on the food that makes life worth living post - what are chicken squares???

They're kind of like chicken salad sandwiches but wrapped up and baked in crescent roll dough.

They are very delicious.

[image description: four baked chicken squares still on the pan. they aren't very square but the crescent roll dough is nicely browned and they're covered in browned stuffing bits]

At the risk of sounding like a food blogger, these are the food that I'd ask for when given a choice for my birthday. These are kind of an ultimate comfort food nostalgia thing for me. I use an altered version of my grandma's recipe (I measure with my heart, I am so sorry gramma but it turns out just fine this way, and no extra mushrooms) which is below vvvv. There IS a recipe online, on the Official Pillsbury Website (https://www.pillsbury.com/recipes/savory-crescent-chicken-squares/) from one of their contests. The name on the recipe is not my grandma, but the location is not far from where she lived. My grandma's recipe is better (obviously) but they're very similar and the version at the link is half the size if you want to try it but don't want to do math or something.

Part of the reason for making the full 8-sandwich version from my grandma's recipe is that it uses a full modern 8oz package of cream cheese (instead of the 3oz version that used to be common I guess?), and then you do not put the other half back in your fridge and forget about it until it gets moldy. If that's too much food, the chicken squares freeze really well! Just bake them for slightly shorter (I do it about 20 minutes) and then stick them in a freezer bag in the freezer until you want to eat them. They just need to be re-baked!

Chicken Squares Recipe (from aj's grandma)

Filling:

1 8oz package of softened cream cheese

1/2 stick butter (that's 1/4 cup) (recipe says "or margarine" lol) melted (you use the other half of it below)

4 cups cooked cubed chicken (this can be approximate. One rotisserie chicken or so. Leftover turkey works great! Canned chicken would probably be good too. My sister does hers with mushrooms for vegetarian reasons but I have no clue how to do that. You can adjust this though! It's super forgiving.)

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

4 Tbsp milk (that's 1/4 cup)

4 Tbsp lemon juice

3 Tbsp chopped chives or onion. (Or like, as much as you want. If you like onion, more onion is really good in this. I have used half a large onion, a whole bundle of green onions, whatever looks good. 3 Tbsp is not enough imo, but if you're not into onions, then maybe ignore me)

2 8oz cans of refrigerated crescent rolls.

Sauce:

1 can chicken broth

2 cans cream of mushroom and/or cream of chicken soup

1 pint cream, half and half, or milk

sauteed fresh or canned mushrooms

Topping:

Pepperidge Farm Herb Seasoned Dressing (not the cubed kind) (you can use whatever breadcrumbs you have but the seasonings are really good! Sage, thyme, rosemary, poultry seasonings, whatever.)

The other half of your stick of butter

Instructions:

Cream the cream cheese (a stand mixer is helpful for this) and beat in 1/2 stick of melted butter. Beat until smooth.

Add chicken, onion, salt, pepper, milk, lemon juice. (Order doesn't really matter.) Mix well.

Separate 1 package of crescent dough into 4 rectangles. Firmly press perforations to seal 2 triangles together. Pat out dough to make thinner and larger (make it sorta square if you cant). (See alternate options below*)

Place about 1/2 cup filling into the center of each dough rectangle. Pull the 4 corners to the center. Twist slightly and pinch together, and pinch the sides that came together to seal. (It's totally ok if they're not perfect. They filling isn't gonna go anywhere.)

[4 unbaked chicken squares on a cookie sheet with a silicone baking mat. Three of them are sealed and kind of lumpy, the fourth is still laying out as a square-ish shape of dough with a scoop of filling in the middle. It's got a lot of green onions in it.]

Repeat with your second roll of rolls.

Melt other 1/2 stick of butter in a shallow bowl or pie plate and fill a 2nd shallow bowl with the stuffing/dressing/herbed seasoned bread crumbs.

Set out a cookie pan (I like to line them with parchment paper but it's fine if you don't, they won't stick).

Carefully lift one sandwich packet. Dip both sides(!) in butter and then in the stuffing. Place on the cookie sheet. (Sometimes I wear gloves for this step, your fingers WILL get gooey. You want the bread crumbs sticking out all over, it'll be delicious.)

Repeat for the rest of them.

[four unbaked chicken squares coated in butter and stuffing bread crumbs on a cookie sheet, ready to go into the oven]

Bake at 350°F for 20-25 minutes (or at 375 for about half an hour if you live on top of a mountain like me). They should be golden brown when they're done (see photos at top and bottom of the post).

You can partially bake and freeze or refrigerate for later!

Prepare sauce:

(I'm going to be honest I don't bother. Sometimes I make a can of cream of mushroom soup in the microwave and pour it on top. It's good! But it's way too much for just a me, and it doesn't freeze as well.)

Sauté mushrooms in about 1/4 cup of butter (sorry that's another half stick of butter, that wasn't in the list above)

Heat chicken broth and cans of soup.

Mix in mushrooms

Simmer until thick and bubbly. Reduce heat and add cream right before use. DO NOT boil after adding cream.

To serve, ladle mushroom sauce over each chicken square on plate.

[a baked chicken square in a shallow bowl swimming in cream of mushroom soup]

*Alternatives to trying to make squares out of crescent dough:

Supposedly it works with dinner roll dough too but I don't remember ever doing that.

Buy the sheets of crescent dough, which makes it a little less likely to split along the diagonal where you tried to smoosh them together.

Make little roll ups! Spoon filling onto large side of the crescent roll triangle and roll up just like you would if you were making it without filling (this is also really good with jam or nutella js). You can still dip them in the butter and dressing, they turn out great! You get a bigger bread to filling ratio, so you might need more rolls for the same amount of filling. Bake time is a little shorter though, keep an eye on them. They're cute though!

[three chicken roll ups(?) on a plate]

[baked chicken squares and roll ups on parchment paper-covered cookie sheets sitting on the stove]

So, go forth and eat chicken squares. I've got some in my freezer that I made after thanksgiving with my leftover turkey, I'm going to eat some on Monday for my birthday meal, as is traditional.

#replying to asks #chicken squares #recipe #idk if i would call these specifically a midwestern food but they have that vibe to them #cream cheese is so delicious #the filling is safe to eat too so you're just baking the crescent roll dough and heating up the insides #i took pics one of the more recent times i made them bc every time i mention these people go 'what'#lmao #now i have a whole post i can just link to in the future #random personal stuff #sorta

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stevenbasic · 4 months

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Growing into the Job, Post 366: That was Then, This is Now, p18

He hadn't even complained when she parked in the middle of the street, in clear view of his old neighbors, to give him a blow job in the car. He’d just sat back, closed his eyes, and let it happen. She had then let him nap on the way home, the taste of him still deliciously on her lips. As she cooked for him, in her mother’s modern, well-appointed kitchen, she had been understanding when he was quiet. She knew that going to his old house to see his ex-wife chatting with his new younger girlfriend could have been stressful. She’d given him the time he needed as she made him dinner - well, she’d reheated a rotisserie chicken she’d grabbed last week, and steamed some carrots. And she didn’t melt them, like last time! Even though he didn’t eat much of her cooking - just some of the veggies - she was happy she could provide for him like this, take care of him. He’d asked for a glass of milk, all by himself, when he decided that was what he really needed. That made her smile. She wanted to make him feel comfortable tonight, but she needed him to start accepting the way things were now.

And he’d responded well, she thought. Throughout dinner, with a couple glasses of wine, he’d begun to smile more. He’d started to lighten up. He’d cracked some stupid jokes, at which she’d made sure to laugh. She wanted him to forget some of his worries and just enjoy himself. He began to get chilly, so she let him borrow an old white hoodie to wear over his scrubs, one of hers that her mom had kept. It used to fit her in middle school but, by the looks of it, it was too big on him now. The sight of him in it made her thighs tingle, but she didn’t want to say anything yet. And he didn't seem to mind that it was too large, that it was a teenage girl’s sweatshirt. It was snuggly and warm and it still actually smelled like her, and that was all that mattered. All in all, he was now having a good time, sitting here at the kitchen bar with a glass of wine after dinner, chatting. Here, away from the office and the stresses of the outside world, he began to open up again. He was still hesitating, holding back, wrapped up in that too-smart head of his. But Melissa was still in her tight white dress from work and she knew her figure - as always - provided a pleasant distraction and loosened his tongue as much as the wine. She wanted him to talk to her tonight

“How are you feeling, any better?” she asked him, with honest concern.

“I’m fine…I guess,” he responded, lukewarmly. He took a moment to think. “Better when I’m alone with you.”

ooo yes okay okay that felt good. She smiled, actually blushing, the weapons-grade dimples of her cheeks carving lines of gladness into her face. “I like being alone with you too,” she said, her voice gentle and warm, “It just feels so…natural.”

He smiled, too, nodding in an unspoken agreement. It was strange, weird, but the connection between these two very different people was strengthening by the day. They both silently acknowledged that, and clinked glasses.

“Cheers,” he said.

“Cheers,” she giggled.

He took a sip of wine, a really nice South American malbec that she’d insisted he open, something she grabbed from her mother’s wine cellar. She hadn’t, of course, let him down there himself, but she knew exactly what flavor (is that the right word haha?) he liked, and picked it out herself.

He took another sip. “So, uh, hey,” he began, “Is there any way we can step out, maybe get some air? I think I should clear my head for a bit. Maybe a walk?” It had been so long since he’d really been outside, taken a walk. Even in the dark, it’d be nice.

“Sure sure sure, sweetie,” Melissa answered, “But hey why don’t instead we, like, head out into the backyard. The patio’s nice…”

He nodded. Okay, okay…

“...and maybe we could start a fire, cuddle up? A quiet night just you, me and the stars?” She beamed as she watched as his little face brightened at her suggestion. Was that the idea of the fire, the stars, or - hopefully - the cuddles?

“Ah, sold!” he exclaimed, suddenly putting his wine down, invigorated, “Maybe we could make some S’mores?”

Melissa’s smile grew bigger. She loved seeing him happy, seeing him enthused. It was really, truly adorable. But…

“What’s a S’more?” she asked, “The girls over the weekend, brought some stuff, had said-”

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” he laughed, interrupting her, “You’ve never had a S’more?”

“No I uh-”

“Well that settles it! We’re making S’mores tonight and you’re gonna love it!” he said, jumping off of his high stool and eager to pull her along.

With her help he rummaged through her cabinets, finding the essential ingredients. Apparently there had been plans to make them on Saturday night. The girls had brought the stuff but the moment never materialized. But tonight, he’d decided: S’mores! Suddenly it was like he was a man on a mission, and she patiently indulged his zeal.

After a few minutes, they had an elegant rosewood tray laden with everything they needed. She allowed him to carry it, and slid apart the big, glass sliding doors that opened up to the backyard patio. They walked out onto it, and had a solid two acres of grass and elegant landscaping all to themselves, separated from any prying eyes by tall, tasteful hedges and a thicket of oaks, ashes and maples. With wood from the woodpile at the yard’s edge and a bit of effort the two of them managed to start a fire in the stone firepit that was built tastefully into the large patio. He’d needed to instruct her how to set up the kindling and logs, as she’d never started a fire before. But soon they had it nicely ablaze and were prepared to spend the evening together, under the clear sea of stars on this crisp evening. The fire was also burning brightly at this point, casting its warm light across the patio and onto the two lovers.

Though she didn’t really need its warmth, she sat there in an oversized hoodie of her own, soft and blue. She reclined in the mahogany Adirondack chair next to his and cursed as her third marshmallow of the night burst into flames.

“Oh poop!!” she laughed, pulling it out immediately and once again extinguishing it by grabbing it into her free hand.

He didn’t even gasp this time, she noticed. She’d told him it was cute, how alarmed he’d first been, telling her stop you’ll burn yourself! She was, somehow, now impervious to flames. He’d seen her, over the weekend, place her hand right on a hot burner on the stove, not even flinch. Now she was giggling, licking the gooey, burnt marshmallow from her palm, no worse for the wear. I could pick up one of those hot red coals, sweetie, if I wanted. It wouldn’t hurt a bit.

He had to stop letting this sort of thing freak him out. His girlfriend was not only - along with, it seemed, his entire female staff - growing taller at a rapid rate, but was also developing abilities that he struggled to be able to explain, that baffled all his years of medical education. Powerful breath, super strength, she’d healed his hickey with a laying-on of hands - and now this invulnerability to heat? What else was this girl capable of? And, he thought, with a private shiver, what was she going to be capable of a year from now, if she continued to develop these..let’s call them what they are…powers. It was like something out of one of the comic books he’d loved reading when he was younger, the strong superheros he'd secretly worshiped. But now he was dating one, a budding heroine.

Or is she going to turn out to be the villain?

He shook off his intrusive thoughts, and - shivering in a private chill - pulled the thin blanket she’d put over his legs closer. “Here, let’s try this,” he said, putting a new marshmallow on her stick and redirecting her to get this right. There was a proper part of the fire to use, and a right distance at which to keep it. For all her strengths and physical capabilities, Melissa couldn’t roast a marshmallow for shit. Apparently, she’d never done it as a kid. Her childhood was, by her accounts, full of constant travel, and she didn’t have much to call her own. Her mother certainly didn’t have a home as extravagant as this for her and her sister growing up, with its bluestone patio complete with built-in fire pit, outdoor kitchen and beautiful mahogany furniture. They’d never even gone camping.

“Omigod delicious!” she raved, big eyes wide as she took her first bite of the little graham-cracker and chocolate-bar sandwich he’d made for her. A finger came to the corner of her lips, catching some of the gooey white sugar of the perfectly done marshmallow the two of them had roasted. They’d cooked it together, watching it start to turn a nice, gentle brown, even starting to smoke and bubble a little. At some point it almost fell off her stick, and she giggled as he helped her recover. Finally, it was done, slightly crispy on the outside, and perfect to slide between the two crackers and melt the chocolate just enough before-

“So yummy!!” she gushed, taking the next bite and then, immediately, insisting that they make another. “I’m so glad the girls brought this stuff over on Saturday! Too bad we didn’t even use it. S'mores are amazing!”

“Yeah…right…this weekend,” he mumbled, suddenly pensive again, sitting forward in his chair and poking around the fire’s embers with his own roasting stick. He watched as Melissa began to put another marshmallow on her stick, prepared to fix up another s’more. She promised she’d let him have some of it.

Though seemingly intent on her task - I am not going to burn this one - she was reading his demeanor loud and clear, sensing his anxiety. She glanced at him, deciding to be quiet as she slid her stick into the fire, into the perfect position to roast her next marshmallow. He hadn’t said anything further, but she felt a dark little thrill of excitement when she uncannily knew that he was about to ask-

“So, uh,” he began, reaching for a marshmallow, putting it on the tip of his own stick, “Sheryl said something about a video? From this weekend?”

“Omigosh so fun,” Melissa giggled, herself recalling the amazing moments from Friday, Saturday, Sunday as she watched him put his marshmallow into the flames. The date, the visit to the TV station, the mall with Shanette. And then of course the pool, dinner with all the girls and - bnnnghrrrrrar - bed with him, Sunday with him, the whole weekend with him. They had all grown together as friends, as a family…and they had all just plain grown. Well, haha, not him. Quite the opposite. And some of it made its way online.

“Did, like, someone post something I should know about?” he asked, watching her marshmallow slowly start to brown, not paying as much attention to his, “My phone’s dead so I, uh, couldn’t check…”

I can’t show that to him, not yet, not tonight. He’ll freak.

Simply crossing her legs, bare in the crisp night air, grabbed his attention. Her right leg came over her left, muscles bulging. He was suddenly distracted, suddenly appreciating the immensity of her shapely legs, and he swallowed audibly. He felt immediately the familiar sense of anxiety resurface, and he tried to stop it in its tracks. Why should it bother him if Melissa’s taller than him? Younger, physically superior? She was the sweetest woman he'd ever met, even if she was two sandwiches short of a picnic, or a little nuts. She was certainly the first woman he’d been with that would try to cook a s’more for him.

Speaking of - ahhhg!

His marshmallow was on fire!!

Melissa giggled, watching him blow blow blow at the flaming inferno at the end of his stick. She quietly resisted the temptation to use a puff of her own breath to extinguish it for him. I might blow him off the patio haha. Eventually though, even with his little lungs, he had it snuffed out and he was shaking his head, admonishing himself for having lost focus again. She was amused by how dumbfounded and distracted he could get every now and then. That, she knew, glancing down at her bare, womanly thighs, may be her fault…ok, it’s totally my fault.

She took her stick out, on whose end her marshmallow sat toasted brown and perfect. “Don’t worry sweetie,” she told him, gently urging him to lower his stick, letting the ashen remnants of his attempt fall back into the fire, “we can use mine.”

He couldn't help but notice she’d gotten very good at roasting marshmallows, very quickly. She had an uncanny ability to pick up these talents pretty quickly. Unless they involved like, math, or spelling maybe. He watched her make another s’more, and allowed her to feed him the first bite. Yum. Pretty good, actually. Solid food hadn’t been his thing for a while now, but when she made it it tended to be a bit more palatable; he’d noticed that with the carrots earlier. Something about her making it just made everything taste better for some reason. Yum yum. He was given another bite, and another, and soon the s’more was all gone.

They spent the next few minutes laughing a little together, musing on the possibility of running away and opening up a s’more shack somewhere out in the mountain wilderness (her idea), or down on some southern beach (his), just the two of them, charging passer-bys for their gourmet offerings. She liked the chilly mountainside idea, with its promise of nighttime snuggles, where he suggested the beach because, uh, bikinis. “Grab your wine, tiger,” she instructed him with a laugh and a slap to his knee, standing up, “let’s go look at the stars…”

She helped him from his chair with an offered hand, and it was with clasped palms that they stepped off the patio, away from the fire, out into the yard. A few swipes on her phone and the outside lights were off, as were any interior lights. She wanted it nice and dark for this.

The little hillock at the edge of the woods would be perfect. Nice soft grass, away from it all. The fire still burned, flickering maybe a hundred yards away, but it was now the stars that would light their way. She’d grabbed the thin blanket he’d been using earlier as something for them to sit on. Down on their backs they lay, next to one another, and gazed up at the heavens.

“Wow,” was his first reaction, “would you look at that.” It had been a long time - too long - since he’d had the chance to stargaze. It was honestly a little bit magical.

Melissa laid next to him as he stared up at the stars. While the show from the sky provided a diversion, distracting him again, she felt him shiver a bit. Without the blanket over him, he was likely getting cold. She snuggled in towards him to provide heat from her larger body. It made her smile when she felt him instinctively nestle in closer to her right side.

“Ooo look, there’s Andromeda…” he spoke, pointing skyward.

She followed the direction of his hand, looking up. “Who?”

“Andromeda, the constellation,” he explained, “Look…”

He pointed it out. Andromeda was a group of nine main stars, and with his help and little imagination she could picture it, the chained woman. Named after a princess in Greek mythology. “See?” he told her, pointing emphatically up at the constellation, “Andromeda was chained to a rock by her mother as a sacrifice to a big sea monster. The gods had been angered when Andromeda’s mother claimed that her daughter was more beautiful than even them, but she was rescued by Perseus, a hero who fell in love with her.”

Melissa listened quietly. She loved it. It was so cute when he got all excited, let his guard down and shared himself with her. She especially loved it when he told her that he thought she looked a lot like Andromeda, with her long dark hair and beautiful eyes. She smiled and said that she was flattered. Prettier than the gods, huh?

“Wow you know a lot,” she said, when he began to talk of the Andromeda galaxy, which they might have been able to see with a good set of binoculars.

“You mean that blurry, like, spiral patch up there?” she asked, pointing up into the constellation.

“You can see that?” he asked, squinting himself. The naked, human eye shouldn’t be able to find it; he certainly couldn’t. “But, uh, yeah…” he continued, shaking off the feeling that he was laying down in the grass next to something more than human, “I took some astronomy classes at Amherst. I really like this stuff.”

As they lay there, Melissa thought about how lucky she was to have found the man she loved. He was kind, funny, and intelligent, and he made her feel like the most special woman in the world. She knew that they would be together forever, and that thought filled her with joy.

He pointed out Cassiopeia next.

“She’s Andromeda’s mother. See those five bright stars in the shape of a ‘W’?”

Melissa nodded, and pouted. “Doesn’t Cassio…uh…”

“Cassiopeia?”

“Yeah. Doesn’t that start with a ‘C’? Or, like, a ‘K’?”

“Uh…it doesn’t work that way,” he said, reminding himself who he was talking to. “The constellation was named after Andromeda’s vain queen mother, who dared to compare herself and her daughter to the gods. They weren’t amused, and they punished Cassiopeia by putting her up in the night sky. See?” he pointed out, “Can you imagine her chained to a throne up there?”

Despite Jay’s obvious mansplaining and the fact that that ‘W’ definitely did not look like a chained-up queen, Melissa was nonetheless impressed by his storytelling. To him, the heavens were miraculous. She hadn’t known this about Jay, before tonight, how he felt about astrology. Or had he said astronomy? Whatever. She could tell that the night sky, with its myriad of stars and patterns of constellations, gave him a sense of peace and belonging to something huge, and to him that was a comforting thought. But, to her the stars made everything else feel smaller, and herself less significant in the grand scheme of things. I don’t know if I like that.

He was going on and on about how beautiful they were, the stars, about how they were some celestial ‘miracle’. She on the other hand began thinking about him, and about their future. Strange ideas began to coalesce in her head. Well I guess I have to get more beautiful than the heavens, she thought, so he wants to look only at me.

Beside her, on her right, she felt him shiver. But he kept talking about the g-damn stars and he doesn’t even know he’s cold.

She sat up a bit and rotated at the hips, turning towards him. Her right hand propped her up, while the other hand took his wine - a stemless glass so it wouldn't spill as easily - off his chest where he’d held it balanced. His eyes, of course, shifted from the stars to her and he watched as she began to slowly unzip her sweatshirt. She took her time revealing the bodice of her white dress and all the cleavage underneath her modest hoodie. She leaned over him, slowly putting his wineglass on his far side. Effectively, she blotted out his view of the sky, so he could no longer see the stars. He could see only her. I think they call this an eclipse.

“Now, do you want to tell me about the dream you had?” she asked.

She watched his mind stop, and then start again. For her, there was enough light so she could read every little twitch on his face as he was brought back to remember the dream-thing.

“H-how did you know..?” he asked, suddenly confused.

“Call it…” she began, now placing her left hand down on the ground next to his right shoulder, planting it there and her massive breasts right above his face, “...women’s intuition.” She smirked, seeing how his attention was now one hundred percent focused on her. There you go, there are some heavenly bodies. Despite her distraction, she could tell that he was now more anxious, more freaked out, feeling more afraid having the events of the day rekindled. Even with the beautiful night and now the jaw-dropping scenery, he was having thoughts. Too many thoughts, sweetie, just speak. Tell mama your troubles. She could, of course, let herself flow. She could override his anxieties with her perfumes, loosen his tongue, maybe get him horny and placate him and then put him to bed. It was hard to get him to open up on his own; pheromones could make it easy. But she knew she should maybe try it the old fashioned way…talking.

She knew the dream hadn't been normal. There was something off about it, something crafty. Brianna and Sammi had worked with it, but she could tell there was more to it and she wanted to find out what it was, where it really came from, and the only way to do that was to let him talk.

To Melissa he began to describe the dream he had earlier today, when he’d passed out from the shock of finding his apartment ransacked. “It was a good dream, I was in control, I felt healthy and good,” he explained, after describing how he’d lifted the vending machine off of…who was that again? “I was…everyone was…back to, like, normal, I guess.”

“Mmmm, okay….” Melissa purred. She took the moment to lift her left hand, brush a lock of hair behind his ear. He was, basically, speaking right up into her breasts. Each of them was quite a bit bigger than his head. ”Like you were back to being the boss, huh? Really in charge?” she asked, “What’s that feel like to think about now, hm Jay?”

That brought him pause. Under the hovering mass of her bosom he pictured being taller again, the girls all back to their normal heights. He imagined being able to march out of his office and tell them the way things were going to be like it was, early in his dream.

His stomach turned.

“It makes me feel weird.” Did he just say that out loud?

In her mighty chest, Melissa’s heart swelled. Rather than laugh, sigh, or drop down to lovingly smother the life out of her precious little lover-man, she pressed on. “So, what happened in the dream next?” she asked. Below her, she felt his mind squirm, looking for an out. His stammering started, and he became even more evasive as he remembered what happened after Others had taken the reins of his half-conscious state. “Then,” she heard him say, “it turned into a nightmare.”

It distressed him, obviously, to recount what happened, but he did his best. Unlike most dreams, where images and feelings disappear almost immediately upon awakening, this one had stuck with him. He was able to describe how he felt surrounded, the crackling alarm of the radio, and how he had shrunk. Shrunk shrunk shrunk while…uh…

“While what, honey?” she asked.

While shrinking up to a tiny cretin on your ass, while your friends watched.

She could tell how embarrassed he was, how ashamed he was. She would spare him the indignity of making him speak more about it. What she could see roiling around in that adorable little head of his, though imperfect, told her all that she needed to know. In the meantime he was shivering below her and she wanted nothing more than to just make him warm. ”Well, that was the dream, sweetie, and this is now,” she assured him, allowing the first zephyrs of perfume to waft from her chest, “But tell me…what else is bothering you?”

Oh my god, where to start. With a sigh - and a deep breath - he began to list his litany of stresses, past the nightmare, past the apartment. There was seeing Sheryl, there was whatever happened this weekend, and of course there was his health. He was still fucking shrinking.

She could feel his unease, how emasculated he felt admitting it to her again. She tried her best not to let it excite her too much, because it made her feel a little bad. But she couldn’t help but explore this just a little, this growing size difference between the two of them and what it was doing to his psyche. ”Does me getting taller freak you out too?”

Sparks and jitters, between them both. Unconsciously she was letting her body lower itself, her shapely torso approaching his face. The open sides of her hoodie draped on either side of his head, closing him in. She expected him to start to fuss, to bleat out his complaints, to voice what she suspected any man would who found their girlfriend towering nearly two feet taller than them.

“Y-you getting taller? Freak me out?” he repeated, breathing in the warmth from her bosom, allowing its comforting air to start to cradle him, “n-n-no…” He paused. “I kinda like it.”

OOOooooo

She couldn’t help it, that excited her. A new wave of pheromones flowed off her chest and she inched in closer to him.

”H-how about the other girls?” she asked, hearing the arousal in her own voice, “Have you seen how much they’re growing?” Purposefully, she drew a deep breath, so that her expansive swath of cleavage now bulged and burgeoned and all but utterly burst in front of him. She knew that she was all he could see, that even in the dark she filled his world. Fuck the stars, she thought, look at me. “Growing…”

“a-a-are they?” he stammered, and his mind was racing. He was anxious, now, the blur of a weekend rising in its pink, murky haze, women swelling inside of it, just beyond the reach of his vision. What was going on? What was wrong with his head?!?

She knew what he was thinking. He was thinking he needed to see a therapist.

“Honey, baby,” she purred, “I’m going to get you some help. We’ll have our own therapist, a whole team of them, in the new wing. We’re going to get you the best therapy in the world…” Her nipples were hardening.

“O-okay…”

“I told you we have an appointment all set up for us,” she said, beginning to get breathless, imagining it all, knowing what they were going to be able to do together, “we’re going to help you regress, regress…”

“Oh my god, Melissa…” he groaned, suddenly sounding overcome..

Haha I didn’t even realize my hand was down there.

“...it’ll be so good for you…”

Might as well stroke him. She’d undid the tie for his scrubs, her hand was in his pants.

“...we’re going to get rid of allll that stress…”

Oh god he’s so hard for me. Jesus…

“…get you some regression therapy.”

She could no longer help herself, she needed to do this. Smoothly, swiftly, Melissa sat all the way up. She’d reached under his thin body and spun him towards her. His head and his shoulders were on her lap. There we go, that’s better.

“In the meantime you’re gonna get some me therapy,” she said remembering her talks with Shanette. Her hand reached to gather the thin blanket that had been underneath him and was still underneath her and his lower body. She wrapped it around him, using it to bundle him to herself, while at the same time lowering the neckline of her dress below her left breast, and pulling her breast out of her bra. “Here you go, here you go sweetie, you remember this,” she breathed, arousal making her voice more husky, deeper, “boob therapy, nipple sucking, dry nursing…let me make you feel better.”

She felt him, below the wrap of the thin blanket, balk at the idea of dry nursing. He was irritable and just shocked and a bit resistant because of his silly pride. But she knew it wouldn’t take much.

“It’s just you and me here…” she whispered to him, to the little papoose of a man she held in her arms. She swaddled him to her more tightly, allowing the full heavy flesh of her breast to squash against his little face. “I know you’re nervous, I know you don’t know how this can help…” she purred, “...but you might be forgetting how endowed I am.”

At that, she leaned down into him, gathered her shoulders around him. Under the blanket, his entire world must now be boob. She let her warmth flow over him, let her perfumes cradle him and become his oxygen. She was all he needed, she knew that. “More nipple sucking,” she said, “I want more nipple sucking.”

She cooed, she moaned and shivered when she felt, from under the blanket, his mouth come around her and begin to suck. Just a few sucks at first, but then he repositioned and really latched on. Oh my god, Jay, yes. Yes yes yes little man, suck on mommy. He began to dry-nurse in earnest.

Suddenly, she began to silently curse her clothes, and she utterly despised his. They should be naked, out here, the two of them in the night. She considered ripping his from him, and flexing herself so maybe she could burst right from her own. But no, the moment was gentle, she could have him this way. Her hand went back down into his pants, and their cuddling progressed. They were quiet, for a while, he just suckling on her, the two of them just happy and content to be this close. In her mind, she began seeing the picture being painted, a portrait of what life could be like for them. She’ll keep him home safe and happy and healthy while she helps build the great big new world around him. He’ll have no worries, no responsibilities. It’ll be his purpose to be drowned in pleasure.

At some point, he came in her hand. He soiled his pants. At another point, he came again. He napped, she thought, for a short time, only to awake and start suckling again. She cooed and clucked and told him what a good boy he was, over and over and over again. She looked up, after a time, to see that clouds had moved in. Oh, all your pretty little stars are gone. It was like they had retreated, in deference to her. I guess I’m your whole universe now. She giggled, and snuggled him tighter.

In her comforts, he’d began to drift. She knew he was tiring, and that he should really sleep, for real.

“Oh, sweetie, Jay darling, it’s getting late…” she said, pride swelling at the motherly tone she heard in her own voice, “maybe we should get you home. You wanted to go home, right?”

From below the blanket, from at her breast, she heard only a whine. His body tensed, a bit, in her arms.

She smiled.

“What? What’s that?” she asked, a wry curl now coming to her lips, her dimples, “I couldn’t hear you honey.”

More whining, from him, a mewl and whimper.

She kept herself from laughing. You’re too adorable. “Aw, you don’t want to go home tonight, do you?” she asked.

At her breast, nipple still in his mouth, he shook his head.

“No, you don’t, I didn’t think so,” she purred, “That’s okay sweetie, you can stay with me. I’m all the therapy you need. It’s been hard, so hard for you. I just want to make you feel better.”

Immediately, he was relaxing. And at that, she allowed herself another giggle.

“Are you excited to come to bed with mama tonight?” she asked.

More movement, his head at her breast, nodding. Yes.

Oh my god she could almost hear it. She could almost really hear it: yes mommy.

“Good, good boy,” she purred, petting him through the blanket, “And what do you want to do with mama tonight, hm? What do you want to do together?”

To that, to her question, he just murmured, and burrowed further into her breast, suckling, nuzzling. But, this time, she could hear his thoughts, clear as day his answer, a single word:

this.

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thanks once more to RiF for editing, inspiration and contribution to this one, along with brother Ankle4u for the base image in the IG Stargazing thingy.

#growing into the job

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