#experiencing attraction for fictional characters or disconnection from it or whatever | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

potatopossums · 2 years

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God I'm feeling so disconnected from people right now.

tw: dissociation, trauma mention, I'm a gynephile with a trauma response to the sexualization of men

Something about being horny over celebrities just kind of freaks me out. I could maybe see it for the fictional character version of actors, or just appreciating how attractive someone is. Like ok fine. I understand what it's like to be horny.

But what gets me freaked out is just. People will be so uncomfortably horny over characters out of nowhere. Maybe it's the lesbian in me, but I'll be sitting there minding my business, watching a movie, and ppl will legit be like "[actor name] is so hot omg." Like out of nowhere. And it'll be over the dumbest, ugliest, shittiest dudes too, for no good reason. Like wtf y'all. Of all the people to choose, okay. But it's mainly that I'm just... not watching a movie in the mood for being horny. And yet here some people are ready to ruin my moviegoing experience by not shutting up about how hot the Male Lead is when i can tell u right now he is not hot in any way, shape, or form, and he's also really shitty and the Female Love Interest deserves like way better.

Or I'm trying to watch YouTubers and streamers and people do the same damn thing. Talking about how hot certain people are. Excuse me, i do not follow men because they're hot. I do not. I follow men if they have decent content. And i really don't want to hear about how hot men are all the time because i could not agree less. They're not. They exist. I realize you're attracted to them. I am not. It is traumatic for me. Wtf. Please. I'm trying to watch a random unrelated gaming video and you are freaking out about how sexy someone is, pls go away. I understand how that feels, trust me, i get those urges sometimes with women, but like. Pls don't do that around me bc then i won't be able to stop thinking about that when I'm watching videos and it seriously ruins it for me. I can't think about men that way. It disgusts me and makes me dissociate. I can't do it.

And for the record, i also get pissed at my lesbian friends who always shit talking men. There are great men out there, kind and comforting men. I'm not concerned about that. I know that's a reality, i have been friends with many great guys, i admire and follow lots of awesome content creators. I think it's really shitty to constantly shit on men as a whole as if they're some irredeemable race of impure assholes from birth. That's reductive and terrible and I'm not doing that either.

It's not about people not being allowed to be attracted to whatever shitty man they want to be attracted to. It's just the fact that I'm sick of being around when that happens. I'm sick of being there and having to sit through that, waiting for them to shut up, just so i can start to panic because now my brain is stuck in "That Particular Male is Sexually Attracted to You" mode, and I'm suddenly saying "no no no no no no please go away go away—" because i don't want to look at any man that way. It has always scared me. And once someone starts talking about it, it's like telling me not to think of a pink elephant. It just doesn't work.

I'm tired of panicking and then feeling like the asshole when i don't want to hang out around people who just constantly talk about men being hot. I am so tired of feeling like the asshole for feeling really unimportant to my friends who are constantly talking like that near me. I'm tired of telling people "pls don't talk to me about this stuff" because then it feels like people just stop talking to me entirely. I'm so tired of realizing that people actually are attracted to men and they see me as strange for not seeing what they see. I literally see trauma. My vision goes red with fear. I can't unsee the things I've experienced, i can't unfeel the sensations and terror i felt and couldn't explain because i didn't know. It scares me. Please stop pretending it's okay. Please stop pretending i should agree with you. Please stop sending me hot guys or asking for reassurance about your crushes and how cute they are. I will tell you what i see about their personality, and i will tell you nothing of how they look because that has nothing to do with compatibility for me because i am not sexually or romantically compatible with men, period.

What. The. Fuck.

It's so exhausting. I can no longer separate my friends' horniness for certain people from my experience of even watching certain creators on my own. It's just in my head and as soon as those people appear, i loathe them. It terrifies me. Maybe i shouldn't play it off as a joke anymore. But it really does freak me out. I can't even watch certain people. I'm so tired of it seeping into everything. I'm so tired of hearing about how hot everyone thinks everyone else is. Heaven forbid i think a woman is attractive and I'm a weirdo. But yes let's keep talking about how hot men are when they're literally not. They're just people. They probably smell awful. They're probably extremely annoying irl. Literally i can't handle it.

I know this is a complete vent at this point but it has been a rough day full of crap like this and I've felt terribly ignored and alone because of it. And I'm so tired of it. I've got a headache. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I just want to sleep forever because being awake for all this garbage really really sucks. So much. I just hate everything right now. If you made it through all of this, sorry i don't have a prize for you, but i guess we get to sit in misery together now.

#vent #tw #cw #queer #alterous #aromantic #agender #gynephile #personal #lesbian #mental health #trauma #asexual #demisexual

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littlebabycrybtch · 3 years

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bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality.

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person.

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !!

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

#long post//#i would like one free ticket to pop off please. thank you #can i cash it in immediately if you dont mind

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jackednephi · 5 years

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Hello! Apologies for sending in an ask so late. I just wanted to reach out because I'm not in such a great place right now. I was wondering, if you found out about your being queer at a fairly young age, how you managed to stay in the closet?? (And, you know, remaining alright, mentally) my parents are extremely homophobic, and it's tearing me apart, especially because I really care about them. Any advice would be great, even if it's not much. Best of luck in everything, and thank you so much ♥️

so tumblr doesn’t always let me know when i have messages >(

that said, i’ll do my best to respond but like it’s going to be long and convoluted so imma include a cut to save dash space. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND i am polyamorous, agender/trans, pansexual, and demiromantic. so like there are various facets of my queerness and they all played into my life differently

feel free to skip close to the end for like “how to stealth” if you don’t have the spoons for like a 20 page autobiography with annotated bibliography

so finding out about being queer is a question that has both a yes and a no answer. it’s more like i was experiencing queerness but didn’t have words for it, then repressed it, then dealt with it. so it’s less “i knew ever since i could form words to describe it” and more my journey was in no way linear

see when i was little, like really little yknow when you start getting your first crushes right around prek and stuff, i had all kinds of crushes. i had crushes on multiple people at once and this has continued straight into adulthood. so, like, sign one of being poly. my friends would have one person they would hardcore crush on whereas i was crushing on people around me, characters in fiction, just like so many people. i remember listing crushes in my journals every now and then and i’d have lists of upwards and over like 20. :/ so i am in no way surprised i’m poly

so far as my sexuality, i didn’t realize i was feeling for certain female friends what i was feeling for boys. partly because i’d be like “oh i want to hold his hand” and because i saw m/f couples holding hands all the time i was like ah! yes! obviously romantic! but i never saw any f/f relationships so i didn’t make the connection that the hand holding wasn’t a friend feeling. i had INTENSE crushes on girls too, just as intense as on boys. but i was used to the media portraying rival nonsense like hannah montana and whatnot so i was like “oh. this is my situation”

there was also a lot of repressing going on because i just didn’t see that reflected around me from media to adults. all i saw were m/f relationships. i knew gay people existed but i thought they were all gay men. when i was somewhere around like 10 or so, give or take, i realized i was crushing on my best friend at the time (a girl) and was like “no. absolutely not” shoved that as far back as possible and ignored it

my demiromanticism is more born of trauma than me being born that way and that’s ok. one of my close friends found out about one of my crushes in the second grade and i was RELENTLESSLY bullied for it. every time i got a crush on somebody, i would end up HARDCORE bullied or they would get weird and things would be awful. i also had boys shove their crushes onto me and not take no for an answer. like i’d have my bra snapped painfully, bugs shoved down my shirt, my stuff vandalized, hair pulled just because i wasn’t interested

like when i was 12, somebody started a rumor that i was pregnant :/ and that’s not even covering my abusive ex or the sexual assaults so like everything kind of came together for that

then there’s my gender. which is its own bucket of worms and kind of played in with my sexuality in certain ways

my parents are boomers, born in 50 and 58. “but vann,” you say, confused “you were born at the end of 94″ and you are correct! i inherited pcos from my mother so i’ll let you put 2 and 3 together as to why i was born in 94 and my brother in 96. i say that because, unlike their peers, they raised my brothers and i radically different from the accepted cultural norms

if i wanted to wear baggy shorts, that was cool. pretty dresses? whatever. same (kind of) went for my brothers. if they wanted to spend a lot of time on their appearance, that was fine and not shamed at all. in fact, it was encouraged because it made them feel good. i played with army men, barbie dolls, cars, a train set, tools, swords, sports stuff, had tea parties with stuffed animals, drew and crafted, etc etc. my younger brother played house with me (and often suggested it himself) and would play with my baby dolls. like had my younger brother wanted a doll, they would’ve gotten it for him. but i had them so he didn’t bother asking for one cause he could borrow mine

so like there was no gender segregation of toys or activities. and that sounds kind of like the bare minimum of parenting but you have to remember that both of my parents grew up in the rural south as boomers. gender roles were violently enforced for them. but they didn’t think about enforcing them for us so far as play and, to a certain extent, dress/grooming was concerned. this created a safe environment for us to be our true selves

so for a very long time, i was comfy saying i was a girl. i played basketball after school and then afterwards would find my prettiest dress and watch scooby doo. gender expression was fast and loose in my house

i contribute that a lot to the fact that my father was too disabled to work. even before then, he had been a nurse and a damn good one. my father has ALWAYS been the go to for when we were sick, injured, etc. my mother had this disconnect with how much concern to show. it was either too much or not enough and was pretty much never helpful. even after retiring, when my nephews came around he was the go to caretaker for them. even now at 70, he frequently goes back to where the children are during family gatherings and keeps watch. much like a mother hen

so he stayed home and did the cleaning and other “wifely” duties. not cooking though because his brain just cannot. my mother worked as a high school teacher so typical roles were entirely reversed. when i was tiny and wanted nothing more than to be a parent? you go, sweetie! when i was older and wanted to be a scientist? achieve your dreams, kiddo! like they were very supportive of my goals no matter what they were

so i just??? didn’t realize????? until i hit puberty somewhere around 9

talk about body dysphoria. i went from looking like my brother and every other kid my age to wow ok there’s hair now??? and my face is all weird???? and oh no why does my tummy feel funny?????????? (sexual arousal was a TRIP to discover as a third grader that i would not wish on any child ever) oh my god WHAT IS ON MY CHEST!? and grown men are hitting on me now??? oh no i’m in fourth grade and bleeding!?

it was not a fun time by a long shot. i started wearing the baggiest tshirts i could possibly find. anything to hide my freakish body, really. so many hoodies. i would swing wildly between hyper feminine expression with tight clothes and heels and hiding everything as much as possible. part of me was smug about being ahead of my peers, for adults to be treating me as more than a kid. but a LOT of me felt like a freak

maturing (mentally) into an adult was a wild experience. i was 13 and looked like i was 21 except for my face. i did everything possible to find comfort with myself from goth/emo expression ro masculine stuff people threw “dyke” at me for and then finally, weaponized femininity. tight tops, tight pants, shortest skirts i could get away with, eyeliner so sharp it could cut god, heels as often as i could including uniform days, perfect hair. i made myself look like a hot, unapproachable goddess

finally, people were too intimidated to approach me and comment on my appearance. i wore makeup like a mask and people who had known me for YEARS were surprised to find out just how big my chest really was. but i walked with murder in my eyes and i was finally treated the same was i was before puberty - completely unapproachable

ALL THAT IN MIND, here’s how i figured my shit out

i was on facebook seeing “gay, straight, black or white, marriage is a civil right” and being typically “it’s a sacred ordinance shyaddap” about it. i ended up on tumblr about idk 15 or so? note, i’d already discovered porn by this time so i was aware that lesbians existed. like just to throw that out there that i wasn’t like totally in the dark when i made my tumblr account. i did it for school to blog about shakespeare for an english assignment. and that’s when my world expanded

bisexual? wow ok! that was a thing! and oh. oh no

there were pretty girls

and pretty boys and pretty people whose gender i had no idea. cosplayers cosplaying as the opposite gender, trans people, and a whole rainbow of people i was suddenly finding attractive. and i had a HARDCORE identity crisis

i liked girls? but was it the same as boys? was i bisexual? that didn’t seem to fit. there was more than two genders right? and trans people existed? bi? was i bi? bi?

bi. probably

but it didn’t feel comfortable like at all. but i discovered a fanfic writer who talked about being pansexual and i looked it up and everything just clicked?? into place????

not to be overdramatic or anything but it was like the stars finally aligned. it felt SO good! so many genders! and it meant all and aliens are a thing, right? who was i to say no to the possibility? but, more than anything, it felt comfortable. like a hug from my grandma. like home

i wanted to scream from the rooftops that i’d figured it out! i found myself! pansexual! I WAS PANSEXUAL! THAT WAS ME! HOME!

and then the reality of living in our society crashed down on me. i continued to talk about the guys i liked around my family but never EVER the girls. i hid my relationship with the person who eventually became my wife. to be fair, i’d hidden all my relationships prior cause i was an IDIOT and had been dating before 16. so that wasn’t hard. but what was was the breakup

previously, i’d been like “you remember that guy i like? he’s a jerk” or some other excuse to cry to my mother. but i couldn’t about cake. so i cried to my bff/twin/sister like i had everything else and moved on. and i just kind of shut up about it to everybody except those closest to me

except that hurt. here i was knowing i was queer and happy about it but people were being homophobic. i don’t know how often i cried myself to sleep after hearing about “those dirty f*gs” cause of the marriage thing. i ended up quietly coming out to my favorite teacher and she dismissed it as trauma response to my then recent sexual assault. she had seemed safe but that was her reaction so i shut up about it

up until, ironically, coming out day october 2011 just before turning 17 that next month. my mother and i were at chilis, she was being homophobic, and i screamed for the whole restaurant to hear that i was queer and the whole base found out. hard to stay closeted after that

i was pretty much out until college when i started going to church in a new place. i just didn’t talk about my sexuality. ever. period. and it was “easy” because i was dating guys. and pretty sure i was a cis woman. so i was stealth passing. and that was ok with me because i was out on campus, vocally and unapologetically

in high school, i dated a trans guy. he introduced me like in a personal way to transness, to binding. i knew i wasn’t a man but it intrigued me. and in college where nobody knew me, nobody knew me as femme fatale black widow i had a chance to explore my gender. i discovered that loose tshirts made me feel really good. as did other comfy things like shorts and sweats. sometimes i wanted to look fancy or felt like wearing a dress. really, i kind of reverted back to who i was in childhood

i felt weird when i heard my birth name. i’d gone by a nickname for so long, i just chopped off the y (vanny) to vann so it sounded more adult. it felt good. so i identified, tentatively, as nonbinary. it was around this time the trans dude i dated and i fell out with each other because he thought me playing around with my gender was like mocking his transness. or something. idk dude was toxic trash

so i wasn’t male or female then? nah that didn’t feel right. i wasn’t some third androgynous gender. but sometimes binding and passing as a man felt good and sometimes passing as a woman felt good. genderfluid then? was i a man who liked to wear dresses? no. didn’t feel right. made me uncomfortable

eventually, things clicked for me with agender the way they had with pansexual the fall of my third year of undergrad. stars aligned, the universe smiled upon me, and i was THRILLED. like gender euphoria is REAL and never before had i felt so comfortable in my own skin. i remember literally weeping with joy. like i’d been going with they/them/their for a couple years at that point

i came out to my parents about that one pretty shortly after realizing it because i was OVERJOYED. they’d been working on calling me vann for awhile at that point and the pronouns. i’ve since learned that so long as soebody has my name, 90% of the time i legit do not care what pronouns somebody uses. im aware that people perceive me differently and it’s fine. i mean neutral pronouns fill me with euphoria but like it’s fine. so long as somebody doesn’t mistake me for cis

my parents are like so great about it now. they correct people who deadname me (except my grandma cause she’s like 85 and i gave her permission years ago) and my mother straight cut contact with family members who refuse to respect me. except my brothers but like she makes it clear whenever they’re going to be awful that she WILL NOT tolerate it. like they don’t dare trash me in front of our father. he’s old now but he will backhand one of my brothers for that and they know it. so they try it with our mom and she’s like “try it again and you won’t hear from me until you apologize for trashing your sister”

i realized i was poly when cake came back into my life. that was a serious mess involving their abusive ex girlfriend but we clicked and it ended up working so yknow. that was my easiest coming out actually. my parents were like “yknow, you always seemed to love people when you were a kid. and you had SO many crushes. makes sense” which was awesome. it was the most difficult emotionally but the easiest because i’d already come out twice before so it was whatever

the demi thing was discovered in therapy. and like it doesn’t have much in the way of impact like the other things do. so i never really came out about that? there wasn’t really a point? like i talk about it when it comes up but it’s just whatever. i honestly have no idea if i ever told my family?????

WITH THAT NONSENSE IN MIND, HERE’S HOW TO STEALTH AND BE OK MENTALLY

you said homophobic so im gonna assume you’re not straight. no idea about gender and, honestly, so far as gender goes i’ve seen it’s safer to lean into masculinity than it is femininity. so if you’re amab, i don’t really have tips or tricks for that as i’m afab. with being afab, lean into the tomboy aesthetic so you seem acceptably (safely) your assigned gender. i recommend fun lipstick and nail polish colors. sparkly nails did wonders for me honestly

but for like not straightness. that’s a tightrope that is but a gossamer thread to balance. like there are ways to stealth gender expression and feel affirmed but queerness is a different animal or it was for me

so i had AT LEAST one space in my life where i was 100%, unapologetically, loudly out. like i’m here, i’m queer and flying my rainbow flag and not at all sorry about it OUT. for awhile, it was just my very closest friends in the whole world. then it was tumblr. then i made a facebook for people irl i could trust. 0 family and 0 people who couldn’t be chill about it

like having a carved space for you to just be the authentic you, whatever that is. for me, that’s all this queer mess, the polycule that is my family, my faith, my absolutely foul mouth, my mental illnesses, my love of good coffee or a glass of wine every now and then as a rare treat, the good and the bad the ugly and the uncategorizable all together. the struggle with the word of wisdom AND the love of my spouses. all of that

it’s affirming to have this space where you’re yourself and people accept you for who you are rather than what gets your engine revving. but you’ve also got to try and stealth that into wherever you can. you want a dyke spike? go for it and say it’s a pixie cut. plaids are in right now which is a lowkey signal to other queers you’re a queer too no matter your gender. just depends on what shoe you pair it with and other queers will take notice while non queers will just think you’re trendy

it was also fun for me to get that pan flag aesthetic wherever i could. like blue/pink galaxy type eyeshadow that wasn’t too peacock flashy so it looked Hot without being Obvious and a pink lipstick and yellow nails. like it was subtle but i knew what was going on and it felt good. i did the same with rainbows but i had more to work with there. like i’d have an inconspicuous notebook where i’d paint/paste a rainbow on the inside cover so that it was Normal from the outside and BAM! GAY! on the inside. did that with highlighting my notes too

i just kind of stuck it everywhere i could possibly get away with. people were excited to see me go from emo to bring colors becuase “oh wow! you’re finally not sad!” lol no i’m just stealth queer over here

i also wrote SO MUCH queer fanfiction. i didn’t publish any of it just in case but i have notebooks full of stuff. i also rped with people as a way to live vicariously through characters. i also READ a lot of queer fanfiction actually. i saved all kinds of fanart and photo manipulations of certain pairings together. like i couldn’t be out so i could have fiction where others were

i also poured myself into hobbies. i fenced, did karate, learned japanese, participated in drama club, played in a band, took piano lessons, taught myself to draw, journaled, learned to cook, read amazing books, played video games, learned to sing. like i’m sure there are other things i’m forgetting? basically, if it was EVER covered in a young women’s activity pretty much anywhere in the world, i learned at least those basic skills. like i can embroider now even

so like that’s how i stealthed and stayed sane. i was also in therapy where i was out to whatever therapist i was seeing at the time which ABSOLUTELY helped. i also made like queer playlists i would listen to. like same love, i kissed a girl, born this way, etc that i would listen to when i needed to just sink into it. music in general is super cathartic and i’ve gotta say green day, acdc, evanescence, bon jovi, etc got me through some tough shit

i also yelled at god. i yelled at god a LOT actually. like i know we get told “pray for comfort” but sometimes you need to bawl your eyes out and just SCREAM at the almighty. dude can take it. he’s god after all. he can handle our anger. it isn’t disrespectful. like if you ever do cross a line, he’ll let you know. like your thoughts will hard stop. you’ll know

but empty your lungs screaming in pain. let him know it isn’t fair, you’re not happy. beg for relief from the nightmares you’re living. demand to know if or when it’ll ever get better. burn yourself out yelling and crying and fall asleep drenched in tears. then wake up the next day and live your life and you know what?

you’ll feel better. maybe not a lot sometimes and maybe everything is cool for once in forever. but it definitely helped me a lot. like dude listens and you WILL feel better even if the things around you dont get better. you get some strength to get through and be ok and it’s super helpful

but that’s what i got. also bear in mind that i came out to thousands of people by yelling at my mother in a restaurant when all the ships were in because everybody in said restaurant texted everybody they knew and my texts were flooded in like an hour of “DON’T TELL ME YOU CAME OUT TO YOUR MOM LIKE THAT OMG” and “you’re queer!?” so like

i’m not the best when it comes to stealth queering so take my advice with a grain of salt

#long post #like reeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyyyy long post #i cannot overemphasize how long this post is #advice #i tried :/#Anonymous #anon #vannswers

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marinamitchellblog · 4 years

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WEEK 3 REPOST

RESPOSTING WITHOUT IMAGES AS HAD SEXUAL CONTENT AND DIDNT MEET COMMUNITY GUIDELINES :( The Museum of Innocence Objects, Souvenirs, Collections: beginning to make meaning with things and places. overall theme/idea(s)im thinking of looking into: sexual energies, erotic paintings, sex art and commitment, sex positive ,fluid worlds, visibilty, interconnection of art sex and science, sex and psychedelics, Sexual Intimacy and Its Connection with Aural Energy ,beyond the binary,sexual edcuation approach,form, Imagine you could bring any 5 (or 6 or 7) things together, to tell a story, to make a point, to illuminate a concept, to reveal an insight, to offer a portrait…What might those things be? 1. Louise Bourgeois Cuml l 1969 marble on wood base place on floor to be viewed from above clouds; not this intent but entangled with metaphors of male and female body parts that are simultaneously abstract and descriptive. breasts and penises emerging from a rippling fabric appealing and disturbing reveal and conceal 2.I would love to see a Tracey Emin installation as part of my exhibition more specifically her text pieces situation of a large wall really setting the mood and tying the ideas of the exhibition together. Something your guided to first .big fan of her white neon light text atop of a white wall. clean ,minimal 3.lynda benglis about her :https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kh23bD2-xw&app=desktop her works shocked back them but do they shock now ? provocative feminist icon your body and my body colour importance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzPiwBKwdhk Two women, faces framed in tight focus, kiss and caress. Their interaction is silent, muted by Benglis' superimposition of a noisy, distracting soundtrack of appropriated AM radio: bawdy wisecracks of talk-show hosts and male callers, interacting in the gruff terms of normative toss up between screening the video piece or this particular photograph.(lifesized) body representational of gender fluidity untitled 4.Robert Gober untitled 1990 the made body,made vulnerable gender fluidity 5.Malcom Liepke the nonsensical idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that encourage girls to see sexuality's as something they own What connections are being made? non censored bringing together artists to explore themes of sexuality and gender fludity creating a safe space for open conversations constructing and coming out How do different juxtapositions make + change meaning? sex positive environment in a different context Louise's works would perhaps not come across so sexually charged and identifiable. all have similar context and meaning to begin with as I chose works that adress and work with same topics just with different media and processes. begin to ask myself where this collection may best be understood? Lyndas more colorful works would stand out against the mentioned works so far, challeneged .confrontational. Does this change how viewer reads the overall? further research: inspiring artists: gustav klimt ,pablo picasso, Robert Mapplethorpe,Florian Hetz, Louise BourgeoisLa Fillette, 1968 / Avanza / Janus Fleuris, 1968 “sex work is art work. i love cuntemporary art <3 “ https://happymag.tv/heres-the-artist-people-listen-to-most-whilst-having-sex-according-to-study/ sound audio of exhibition to be considered https://www.elitedaily.com/entertainment/twin-artists-paint-stills-kim-kardashians-sex-tape/1574570 why great sex is an art form = what makes sex simply a physical act, and what makes it transcendent? Bad sex, or mediocre sex? mechanical exercise involving body parts, forgotten as soon as it’s over. disconnected,cliche,erotic improv, tracey emin(young british artists) reflection of own desires the female imprint on the genre of sex nancy nan goldin -themes of violence sex and drugs sexual dependency private vs public life UNTITLED Lynda Benglis 1974 parodying stereotypical gender roles, UNTITLED Robert Gober 1991 gahee park https://www.dazeddigital.com/artsandculture/article/30097/1/the-makers-of-this-sex-painting-kit-talk-bodies-and-art using the body as a tool and sex as a method to create painted piece brandon herman abject art- describes a body of work which incorporates or suggests abject materials, such as dirt, hair, excrement, dead animals, menstrual blood, and rotting food in order to confront taboo issues of gender and sexuality potentially curate a exhibition of abject art rather than traditional contemporary as it better fits themes I love exploring looking at exclusively abject art would also help have some cohesiveness to an exhibit but this is all still hypothetical. mixed multimedia This weeks texts/readings: museum of innocence Açalya Allmer offers a perceptive history of the Museum of Innocence, and the complex, meta-fictional relationship between Orhan Pamuk and his fictional characters, within the changing social and cultural context of 20th century Istanbul. obsessive collector meet fictional exhibition architecture and narrative of art collecting acquired objects before describing them in the novel and sometimes he found an object by chance after he had written about it instead of building his collection ‘in an atmosphere of clandestineness and concealment, of secrecy and sequestration, which in every way suggests a feeling of guilt only 50 people at a time so everyone can see unlike the great exhibtion how days were so busy you couldnt really view much new organisation was necessary for visitor circulation childlike modes of acquisition, from touching things to giving them names regards collecting as a tempered mode of sexual perversion ‘ We are attached to objects because of the experiences, joys or feelings of security, of happiness, of friendship, whatever we may enjoy in life, because we relate these emotions to corresponding objects. My protagonist is deeply in love, I would say infatuated, with Füsun; he had enjoyed immense happiness. Now, in order to preserve this, or relive this, he gets close to her and collects objects that remind him of those moments. I strongly believe that we collect objects because they make us remember our good moments.” pamuk interview relationship between history and space The reader of the novel visualizes the grater in his or her mind, actually creating each object in his or her unique vivid imagination. In the actual museum, however, the grater becomes a tangible, objective reality. When the reader sees the ‘real’ object in the actual museum, their dynamic and active imagination is then stilled or frozen. what happens if the display differs from imagination? what happens if the museum visitor has not read the novel ticket in the book to encourage people to read and get free entry two different entireties and experiences novel= not an explanation of the museum Susan Stewart,On Longing: looks at the nature of the souvenir, and the collection, considering the emotional and philosophic of the thing, and its accumulation. objects of desire body as a primary mode of receiving body and world experienced and imagined articulate and delimit each other authentic experience measurement for the normal and authenticates the experience of the viewer cultural codes domesticates the grotesque the souvenir by definition is always incomplete narrative of origins- interiority and authenticity sites and attractions are collected by societies but souvenirs are collected by individuals tourists distance and intimacy authenticate and distance past whilst discredit present present too alienating and not intimate directly lived antique as souvenir always carries the burden of nostalgia of which cannot be sustained without loss separation and restoration childhood cold/warm narrative used to invent the symbolic ownerships keeping body and soul together fetishstic value defined by intrinsic value values of consumer culture Anthropologist James Clifford offers a critique of a 1984 show at the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA), called '"Primitivism' in 20th Century Art: Affinity of the Tribal and the Modern." identifies structures of power and first world paternalism, beleives show is misguided and offensive. This is then an example of the conceptual act of bring things together being highly problematic. the predicament of culture you do not stand in one place to watch a masquerade modernism informing principles that transcend culture politics and history tribal is modern, and the modern more richly ,more diversely human power of the affinty mix n match pairing modern and tribal problematic common denominators but in fact they are and should be independent of direct influence redeeming appropriating otherness factual and discovery proposed question :could this intercultural encounter be told differently? reclassification an additional history that assumes art is not universal but is a changing western cultural category intergrate question boundaries

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just-graysexual · 7 years

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For the last few months, I have been questioning my sexuality. I'm biromantic for sure, but I think I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I had a boyfriend, but never felt the desire to do anything sexual. When we did do things, I felt uncomfortable. It went too far, and I broke up with him. I masturbate sometimes but that's the only time I have an apparent sex drive. I experience sexual attraction, but never for people in real life and I think I might be a graysexual. Please help?

Hey Anon,

First off let me just say congratulations on your romantic orientation! It’s not easy figuring out your orientations and I’m happy to hear that you already have this one all figured out. That is great. In fact, it can probably make it easier for you to work on your sexual orientation, which it already sounds like you are doing a great job already. You seem to have a really great understanding of yourself. This is awesome, keep up the great work.

It does sound like that you are on the asexual spectrum somewhere and graysexual can possibly work for you.

It’s completely cool if you never had any desire to do anything sexual with your boyfriend. It’s perfectly fine to not have any sexual desires, even to people you are attracted too. Remember sexual attraction is separate from sexual desire. Sexual attraction is involuntary. When it happens it will happen. Sexual desires, however, is something you can control. You can experience sexual desires without anyone being around. You can desire sex without any target. You can be sexually attracted to someone, but not have sexual desires for the same person.

It could also be possible that you may have some sexual aversion considering you were uncomfortable when you were doing this with your partner. This can happen to anyone and is completely normal. It can also fluctuate and happen at different times. This does not necessarily has to determine your sexual orientation, but you can use it as a reason to label your sexual orientation if you wish. In fact, there are many people who identify as graysexual because they are sex repulsed or sex averse.

It’s perfectly fine if you have masturbated and have your sex drive be active at this time. There are many people who actually prefer masturbating than sex. Some people get more gratification out of self pleasure than being physically intimate with someone else. And there are many people who are more comfortable with masturbating than having sex. If you feel better about masturbating than sex, this is completely cool.

It’s totally fine if you have experienced sexual attraction, but it’s to no one in real life. Many people will identify as graysexual because they can only feel sexual attraction to celebrities or fictional characters. You are most certainly not alone here. Sometimes it’s easier to be sexually attracted to people we don’t actually personally know.

Graysexual does sound like it could work for you, but based on what you told me I think should also check out aegosexual/autochorissexual. This is where there is a disconnect between you and the target of your arousal. This can include fantasies and imagining sexual things, masturbating and stuff, but not actually wanting to be a participant in the activities yourself.

Or possibly bellussexual; this is where you are okay with sexual activities and actions, but don’t want a sexual relationship yourself. Or inactsexual (sometimes considered the opposite of bellusexual) where you feel attraction and want a relationship, but don’t care for or are repulsed by the actions that come with that relationship.

Check out these other orientations. Look into them. Sometimes it helps exploring other orientations to help understand yours a lot better. See if anyone of these can possibly work. Who knows? Maybe one of them will be a better fit for you.

Keep working on it, Anon. You are doing an amazing job so far. Keep researching and exploring. Based on all that you told me graysexual can work for you. And if you wanted, you could check out aego/autochorissexual, bellussexual, or inactsexual. The final decision is always yours. Go with whatever makes you more comfortable. If you have any more questions, need any more help, or would like me to clarify or elaborate on anything feel free to message me anytime.

#graysexual #bellussexual #inactsexual #aegosexual #autochorrisexual #ace:question

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