#guys I used to write smut like ... 8-9 years ago and it was never that good I don't think but it was super cathartic
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Tagged by: @zealouswerewolfcollector @melestasflight & @niennawept - thanks guys!!!!
Under the cut for length.
1. How many works do you have on Ao3?
43 total. 26 on my reg runawaymun account, and 17 spicy works under spicy_runawaymun.
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?
466,324. Geez.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Currently just Tolkien. Mostly focusing on early third age and late second age. I used to write for Stargate and Doctor Who but that was like ten years ago.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
To Partake - 842 kudos - Longfic in progress. Elrond/Celebrimbor set in the second age, based loosely off The Rings of Power but it's really gone off the rails now because I didn't like some choices in the show and am trying to fix them haha. Show knowledge is honestly not needed because I stop following it after like the seventh chapter. Mostly an Elrond character study disguised as porn.
And the Stars Shine the Same - 695 kudos - Longfic, complete. a look at early third age Rivendell as told by two kids from proto-Rohan who get adopted into Elrond's family out of harsh and traumatic circumstances.
Beneath a Boundless Sky - 520 kudos - longfic and in progress. Sequel to above. Much wider scope. Dealing with the politics of proto-Rohan and exploring Fram's rise to power, while also keeping a firm focus on Elrond, his relationship with Maglor, and his relationship with his family. Oh yeah, and there's an eldritch monster in the mix (one that isn't Elrond that is!)
A Gown Spun from Starlight - 400 kudos - Thranduil x Reader insert oneshot. Mostly fluff.
Supine - 358 kudos - exploratory kidnap fam multi shot. Mostly Maedhros-centric.
Tinúvion - 289 kudos - Oneshot. Elrond and Sauron meet and hiss at each other and fight over Gil-Galad for 1972 words. Sauron shits his pants. Transitive property Luthien-Elrond.
5. Do you respond to comments?
Yes! Sometimes often my spoons are low so I am not always as fast as I like. But I endeavor to respond to everybody!
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Ohhhhh. Let me think, here. Probably That We Are Still - in which Elrond has a foresight nightmare about Cel's death and they have sex about it, which fixes nothing.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Most of them have happy endings, because I love happy endings and I've written a good deal of fluff! I think And the Stars Shine the Same has the happiest/most satisfying ending, though. But it's an unfair comparison because it's a longfic. But Never Doubt I Love (Russingon) has a happy/bittersweet ending that's one of my favs. And Equinox (Elrond and Lindir's first meeting) is just pure sugar haha.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Not that I recall, honestly. Hopefully it stays that way. I've gotten one or two slightly homophobic comments but I believe the commenter meant well. It was a weird experience.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yes! I find exploring how characters are sexual really really fascinating. It's like a microcosm of everything -- of their relationships, of their trauma, of their securities and insecurities. It's so interesting and fun! And especially the journeys that characters can take sexually, learning to open up and explore :) it's very rewarding. All of that is over on my spicy account. It's nearly exclusively Celrond but there's a few others in there.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I've written a few, but none on AO3. My favorite was one I wrote a long time ago where SG-1 (Stargate SG-1) got into a tangled up mission with the Eleventh Doctor and River. I also do a lot of daydreaming and play in my free time imagining my OCs from my original works winding up in middle earth. :)
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I am aware of.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I've had someone offer but if it wound up happening, I wasn't tagged, so I am not sure! But receiving the offer was very nice <3
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Not any of the ones posted to AO3, but @the-commonplace-book and I have collaborated on a lot of work together! I'm always open to collaboration. It's so much fun.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
CELROND CELROND CELROND. Though Brimbrond is becoming a close contender now!
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
All of them, really. I try not to doubt I will finish things and just trust my process. I am a naturally slow writer who's a perfectionist and tends to hop from project to project, which is why I focus myself on one or two longfics at most, and I just let the others percolate in outline form until I finish something. I used to not finish things ever and it drove me crazy, so I try my best to stay focused so that things will always get finished in their due time.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Prose. Action and horror. Long character arcs -- especially the unfolding of characters who are recovering from traumatic experiences. I have a pattern haha.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Descriptions of settings and characters (I know what they look like in my head and have to actively remind myself that this image isn't downloaded into someone's brain). Politics and schemes. And IMO I am not good at twisty plots. I tend to write pretty linear progressions with few unexpected surprises.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic.
I like peppering individual words here and there, or perhaps small phrases. Pet names, absolutely. But nothing more than that. IMO adding in language can really help ground a story in the worldbuilding.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Funnily enough, Tolkien. When I was a kid I set out to rewrite the entire books just from Merry and Pippin's perspectives. I did not get very far.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written?
I think it's honest to god And the Stars Shine the Same. I am obviously fond of To Partake, but Stars just is in its own special category for me. It came to me at the exact right time in my life when I really needed it. It's a very personal story, and it revived my love of writing and reminded me why I liked doing it.
I am rather late to this and I am not sure who has been tagged and who hasn't, so forgive me if I tag someone who has already done this! But no pressure tags for: @emyn-arnens @jaz-the-bard @lordgrimwing @greyjedijaneite @maglor-my-beloved and whomever else would like to participate!
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fic writer interview @nevermindirah tagged me! Thank you, Happy New Year :3
I'm tagging @thana-topsy @baratrongirl @amazinmango @raindrop-rouge, but only if you want to, no obligation.
How many works do you have on AO3?
83.
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
1,369,970
There you go, substantially more than a million words, for the sheer love of it.
3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Fuck: My Life Nearly 190k of eruriren porn star AU. Of course it's my top fic.
These Weren't Memories ereri canonverse, written after the first season. It's old, and I don't like all of it, but it's a classic of the ship as I tried to make it work as close to canon as I could.
Neither Tarnished Nor Afraid ereri, and the first true AU I ever wrote. It's a weird police procedural, and I think it's up there just because it's old and has had more time to accumulate kudos to be honest.
The Beneficent Gentleman Finally a non-snk fic. Kingsman, hartwin, and my only epistolary story, loosely based on the novel Daddy Long-Legs, and I'm quite proud of how it turned out.
Flight (When None Pursueth) And we're back to ereri; it was just the biggest ship I ever sailed. This was my serious take on a reincaration AU, and it was not fluffy.
4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Usually I do now, but back in the heyday of the SNK fandom I rarely did, cause there were just a lot of them. I responded to long ones or ones that asked a question. I also think the culture has changed on it too; ten years ago it was much less expected for authors to respond to generic 'i liked it!' comments, but as comments have dried up overall, it's become more common.
5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
If There is a Cure Skyrim fic. Delphine/Dragonborn, and there is no happy ending.
6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
95% of all my other fics tbh.
7. Do you write crossovers?
I don't enjoy crossovers. I wrote one tiny Ojisan to Neko/Persona 5 fic that probably would have been funnier as fanart, but I can't draw.
8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Ooh yeah, back in the day on ff.net in the early 2000's I had a guy get all caps on me cause I paired the PC of a game with an older woman, and a few others that were clearly designed to sap my confidence, presumably because I was writing the wrong ship.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yes. Consensual.
10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not as far as I'm aware.
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yeah a few times. Very flattering. I even had a translator pass on translated comments once.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Yes but it's rare. Honestly I've only ever met one person with whom I really clicked as a collaborator. That was a long time ago, and we do very different things now. It's fucking magic if you can find the right person though.
13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
Ereri is not my current interest, but it really was something special. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever write like it's 2014 again...
14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
I don't have one. The only fic I never finished I abandoned completely.
15. What are your writing strengths?
Description; I can do a lot with few details.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Sloppy editing, repetitive phrasing, (a symptom of the former) and the pacing on long serialised fics can get very baggy.
17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
Keep it to a minimum. If you don't need it, don't use it. It's more trouble than it's worth (I'm wearing my reader's hat for this one; my eye will just skip over it.)
18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?
Morrowind.
19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?
There isn't one. I've missed fandom a lot over the past few years, and if I'd wanted to write something I would have.
20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
My Old Friend. It's barely a fic, really. A man goes back to his hometown to bury his abusive uncle and reconnects with the father of his childhood friend, on whom he had a powerful but obviously unrequited crush on as a teenager. I had to string together a bunch of unrelated prompts as part of an event, and it just turned out really well. I'm proud of it.
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I've been tagged by @pazithigallifreya ! There's no one I can think of offhand to tag so just do it if you want to
1 How many works do you have on AO3? Aaahhh, well, the official number appears to be 5. I have some scattered orphans out there somewhere.
2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 262,523. Officially. If you were to track down everything I've orphaned it might go up a bit.
3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Good sir, I only have written five fanfictions, so I'll just stick to the top one
Schrodinger's Hobbit
Ah yes, the one that was posted on a regular schedule and has characters people care about in the tags, giving readers a ghost of a chance to discover it and give it a 'well it's about gollum but I'm desperate for pippin' click
4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
In theory, yes. In practice, if I don't reply to a comment as soon as I see it, I sometimes forget to go back and reply because I've tricked myself into thinking I already have. Because I usually reply right away, you see.
Fortunately I do eventually see the comment as unreplied to in my inbox and circle back to it.
However, sometimes if there's no question posed and a simple 'thank you' doesn't seem to apply I honestly can't think of an answer and will just appreciate the person in silence.
5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Uh, well, there's... oh, there's this one that's orphaned somewhere on AO3! it ends with Gollum learning how to eat people
I think I also wrote something once where it ended on a guy going 'oh no I am going to go insane just like my mother' but I don't know if it still exists anywhere.
6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
Maybe Schrodinger's Hobbit? It ends with Aragorn saying 'Gollum isn't going to jail and we're just going to keep him' which is a happy ending from one point of view (Gollum's)
I usually just stop writing stories at the point where they stop being interesting.
7. Do you write crossovers?
The answer is no except for the time I did a crossover webcomic between two games no one cares about.
The first really ambitious fanfiction project I did was some kind of three way crossover with tons of canon/oc shipping and it was so bad.
Also there's a thing on my account that's technically a crossover but it's between Disney properties, which are already just one big lump.
8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
There's a TVTropes page out there with people railing about how bad my ambitious fanfiction project with tons of canon/oc shipping was. I am not going to find it for you.
In terms of comments, no, except for the one time I wrote a shipfic in a particularly eccentric fandom. People got bad about that. Oddly enough the people who liked the ship were the ones that got mad. Failed step one.
I've never gotten hate on AO3. (Not yet! 👀) Only the wild west of fanfiction.net and TVtropes.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
I do not.
10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
I don't think so. I don't monitor for that, though.
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I've had some people get permission from me to do translations, but they never told me if they posted anything.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Ahhhh I used to years and years ago. I think one co-written thing is still floating about somewhere on ff.net.
I wouldn't be opposed to trying it again one day if I met someone with a compatible writing style and the circumstances were right, but it's not something I'm seeking out.
13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
I guess I'm not really that into shipping. Sometimes a ship will catch my interest enough to produce content but there are none I currently find interesting enough to claim as a favorite.
14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
If I haven't finished it by now, I don't want to ;)
15. What are your writing strengths?
I don't feel well-equipped to judge my own work, so I will go off of what other people have said about me, which is always a great method for determining your self-concept.
A bunch of different people have said independently of each other that I'm good at characterization and dialog, so it's probably at least partially true.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Oh I don't know how to write a plot.
17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
There are so many different ways that could be done that this question feels too general to answer.
18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?
Lilo & Stitch. Almost 20 years ago now! The Internet has changed a LOT since then.
19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?
I'd like to try writing original fiction- wait, come back! Come back!
20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?
Oh, now, that's hardly fair. You expect me to READ these things?
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Fic Tag Game!
I was tagged by @beri-allen, @writerrose1998, @cosmic-lullaby and @wileyonce. Thanks! <3
20 questions below the cut:
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
16
2. What’s your AO3 word count?
136,228
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Wednesday for now. I used to write for StarWars (see question 12) but no traces remains from that era.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Woe of Wrath
I'm on my Way
Variations on a Main Theme - 1
A Second Chance for a First Impression
Five Minutes Earlier
5. Do you respond to comments?
As much as possible. Usually I respond to every comment, even if it's just to say a quick Thank You. The only fic on which I haven't done that is Woe of Wrath, if fell into limbo and I have a hard time focusing on it right now. And I feel kind of weird to answer comments after several months of silence, but the more I wait the weirder it gets...
6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Doomed is a Dead Dove Do Not Eat fic. The entire text is dark, including the ending.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I will go with Double-Date With Dad.
Farewell Xavier Thorpe ends on a really good note too (if you are not a fan of Xavier).
8. Do you get hate on fics?
It never happened. Fingers crossed.
9. Do you write smut? What kind?
I try. I find it difficult for two reasons. First, it's tough to avoid clichés. When you read smut, you end up noticing some general patterns, and I do my best to stay away from those. Second, I'm not a fan of some popular kinks, for instance I can't stand the expression "good girl", and therefore I'm not interested in writing it, even if I keep reading authors that use them. Some people probably think my smut fics are boring, too soft, too ordinary. But I don't care (yeah, I do, but shh).
10. Do you write cross-overs?
No. And I have a really hard time reading cross-overs too. And I hate cross-overs in tv shows. Complete respect to authors, however. It's just not my thing.
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No. I guess I could translate my own fics in French since it's my native language, but for now I don't see any reason to do so.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, I did. It was a weird kind of toxic partnership. The other person was responsible for writing the general plot (because my ideas weren't good enough), and I had to turn every page he wrote into a three-pages long section, adding descriptions and filling the blanks. And correct the spelling and grammar, and add better vocabulary...
13. What WIP would you like to finish but doubt you ever will?
I hope I will finish every WIP I currently have, even if they tend to pile up (WIP bunnies...). My biggest challenge is to go back to Woe of Wrath. It is my first fic, it is a multi-chapter one, and I started to write it just to let the steam out after a twenty-years-long writing hiatus, so the outline was not super clear, there are many plot holes I try to fix, the sentences and vocabulary are bad... I know where I want to take the story and how it ends, but it's hard not to want to start over.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
For fanfics I'll say Weyler because it's the only thing I've ever written. Now besides that... For those who read Guy Gavriel Kay, I'm forever bound to the Diarmuid/Sharra ship, followed by Paul/Jaelle. Quite fond of the Clary/Jace ship in The Mortal Instruments (The books! Don't talk to me about the movie or the tv show!)
15. What are your writing strengths?
No damn idea. I've been asking myself the same question since I was thirteen.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Probably not being able to answer question 15. Imposter syndrome.
17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
In French it's not a problem, of course. I've done it in Impulsion. I have studied Latin for two years in highschool so I felt comfortable enough to translate a few sentences in Woe of Wrath. For other languages, I would only do so if I can find a beta reader fluent in this specific language to correct the grammar. I cringe everytime I read English fics with badly written French dialogs, it makes me loose the focus on the story (Same for tv shows, by the way. Come on, you have 2 millions $ to produce an episode and you can't find someone to double-check your French sentence?). It's really hard for me not to comment with a correction (AO3 etiquette: do not provide corrections unless the author specifically asked for it). I don't want to inflict that on my readers by butchering their native language.
18. First fandom you wrote for?
Star Wars. It was a long time ago (in a galaxy far far away), when there were only three movies and a few books (Timothy Zahn forever!). And for those who wonder how old I am, I used to write with WordPerfect, DOS version (it was the pre-Windows era). It had a blue background (terrible for the eyes) and some keycodes you had to use to change the font to bold or italics. Since you can't visualize anything in DOS (it's not a wysiwyg), it used colors, so you had to remember what it meant (yellow letters meant italics...). And I used to save those texts on a floppy my mom took to her office to print.
19. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?
It's not a popular one, but I really like Monologue for a Hyde. I like the tone. Pretty happy with Fuck Me Once Shame on You, Fuck Me Twice Shame on Me, too.
20. What fic would you want to rewrite one day?
Woe of Wrath without a doubt. With a proper plan, and a lot of plot holes avoided (that damn cellphone...)
I will tag the Death Metal and Glitter Club members whose Tumblr ids I know, aka @anotherbluesunday, @tastethesetears, @darling-gemini, @darlingfuego,
As well as @broken-everlark, @persephoneed, @bithablu, @allergictocolor and @insomniac1994.
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20 Questions for Writers
tagged by: @grand-magnificent thx :3
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
163.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
450,140
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Professional wrestling right now, obviously, which for the rest of the questions I pretend is the only thing I write to stay on brand. I also still write the occasional fic for my old fandoms or films you've never heard of, partcipating in exchanges makes you write a lot of random stuff.
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Just giving you the ones for Wrestling:
Kayfabe (missing that old man hours, kayfabe breaking cmjf)
Top Guys. In. (cmftr DP)
He Gets Papi (rhea/dom pissfic) - wow that one's got a long tail huh?
Welcome to the BCC (yutamox hole initiation ceremony)
Making Amends (punk asks HHH politely to be allowed back into wwe)
5. Do you respond to comments?
Yes. I rarely ever have anything to say in response unless it's a question and I feel silly when I say "thank you for noticing what I tried to put down" but I like to let people know I appreciate their comments, because I very much do.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Probably that CMJF noncon fic which had everyone miserable and worse by the end of it. Also all of the PunkRaven stuff, which never has much of an improvement of the situation in sight.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
idk, I don't write a lot of longfic anyway and I think most of the PWP stuff that's not super messed up ends with people showering together or falling asleep next to each other which is a pretty happy ending as far as sex goes.... oh wait, it's the HHH fic where Punk implicitly returns to WWE for his efforts (I guess here too it is up to the reader whether this is a happy ending or more of a "came back wrong")
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Only once for the underage cmjf fic, and I think it was the same person grand-magnificent mentions ironically. Maybe it helps that the kind of wrestling fans that I can see being haters have been condemned to writing incest fic so they don't have much ground to stand on.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yeah. All of it. I also actively hate writing it most of the time. I enjoy writing mood, tension, the build and the aftermath but not much of the actual in and out.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
Don't think I ever have, no. I never got the appeal of "what if Goku met Superman" and I am clearly not funny enough to pull of something like WWE meets Succession.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not to my knowledge.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yeah but not Wrestling fandom, it was Dune.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Nope. Actually, if you want to do that, hit me up.
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
All-time ship is a bit wild if I've only been writing this fandom for a little over a year but it's PunkJoe. This bad boy can fit so much love. And kink. And H/C.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
Hey now, mind your words.
16. What are your writing strengths?
People have told me it's physical sensations, descriptions that give a visual image even if you've got a bit of the old aphantasia, and discomfort.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Dialogue. Introspection. Writing out feelings. Not using the same words all the fucking time.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
idk... don't, unless you speak the language or have a beta that does? I guess now it's easy to just google translate it as a reader but with older literature it always throws me out... am I supposed to just speak latin and french to get what you're having your characters say?
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Harry Potter like almost two decades ago.
20. Favorite fic you've written?
I am still very proud of the Smoke and Mirrors PunkRaven fic. I could probably improve it a bit now that I actually have access to the whole feud and learned more about them but it's surprisingly on point just from my gut feelings.
tagging: @doctorworm @glamrocktrash @tache-noire and everyone else I have ever interacted with on ao3 and forgotten about right now
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Tagged by @crown-of-winterthorne, thank you friend!!! 🧡🧡🫶🏻
1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 33 total! i've got 8 for jjba, 25 for haikyuu
2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 473,497 🤯🤯🤯
3. What fandoms do you write for? currently only jjba, i don't anticipate anything else for a long time since my major interests tend to last for years
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? unsurprisingly they're all ushiten 😭 i won't link them but: "i'm a house with no windows" (200k friends-to-lovers), "shuffle" (fake dating/only one bed tropes), "fascinating facts about geckos" (high school teachers au), "on display" (nsfw oneshot), and "morning routine" (my very first fic ever posted :')) aw)
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to!!!! sometimes i get really behind (like i am right now ugh) and that's either because i'm busy or i can't properly put my gratitude into words 😔 but i think i get to most of them eventually. i don't really reply to the ushiten ones anymore, but they still mean a lot to me.
6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i.. don't think i have any?? i love writing angst but i really cannot handle sad endings.. i'm a sappy little romance-obsessed fool, i fear i'm incapable of anything but sweet and fulfilling endings
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i mean it's gotta be "i'm a house with no windows".... they literally grew up together and got married and then visited their hometown as middle-aged men.. i don't know if i can out-do that. but if we're talking jjba then probably my most recent diego fic, "ritz to the rubble"
8. Do you get hate on fics? i have before LMAO, nothing too horrible but honestly i just shrug it off. i like my writing and i know lots of other people do too so i can't be bothered
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? ummmmmm yes.. i write a lot of it HFDSKLHGKLS.. i won't detail that here bc this isn't a nsfw blog but my ao3 speaks for itself.
10. Do you write crossovers? nope! the idea hasn't ever even crossed my mind
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i feel like.. i remember someone telling me that one of my ushiten fics was on wattpad at one point but i never saw it myself and that was years ago so ??? MAYBE?? i truly don't know
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? i couldn't find evidence of it but i remember someone requesting to translate a fic of mine to chinese?? and i had no problem with it but AGAIN LOL these things happened in like 2016 or 2017 so it's been a hot minute and my memory is garbage
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? not really, i attempted to collab with a couple friends in the past but it really didn't work out very well.
14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? diego and me (im kidding. kind of.), i mean currently it's dinopants and dinoballs. i love diejoni as well but the other two reeeeaaally hit that sweet spot for me. i like ushiten in a way that's like... aww.. those were my boys and now they're grown up and moved out ?? they are cute but they aren't My Guys anymore
15. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? UGH I HAD a dinopants university au that i started over a year ago but i ended up using one of the previously written scenes for my recent fic so i doubt i'd ever finish the original one. for the most part i finish what i start, though.
16. What are your writing strengths? DIALOGUE !!! at least to me, anyway. i think i'm really good at getting into a character's head and analyzing them and how they'd handle social situations, which is funny bc i have trash social skills. i fucking love character analysis in general
17. What are your writing weaknesses? i think i tend to overuse words sometimes... maybe lean too heavily into dialogue.. i'm always always always trying to get better, so in a way i think i look at everything as a weakness that i'm constantly working to improve
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i've tossed in little fragments of Italian when i write gyro but other than that i don't think i'd personally do it.
19. First fandom you wrote for? realistically? naruto 💀 my original old-ass clunky desktop had several word docs of deidara fic, i'm like 99% sure. too bad limewire and heaps of viruses killed the damn thing
20. Favorite fic you’ve written? atm i think it's gotta be extra hot, well stirred, light foam :')) i was so iffy about it while writing but i think it's such a perfect balance of funny and sexy and i'm quite proud of it. it would make sense to say a fic from a while ago but i don't like my writing from back then.. i just think i've gotten so so so much better
IM TAGGINGGG @reclusiverisottonero @swallowed-teeth @hammerofspace @penny-lane-123 @phvntom-limbs but no pressure, lovingly patting y'all on the head regardless 🧡
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20 questions for fic writers
tagged by @fulcrumstardust <3
1. How many works do you have on ao3?
for simplicity, I'm only gonna be counting the fics on wintersend (I don't really use my old accounts anyways) so 51 (which... wow)
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
462,660
3. What fandoms do you write for?
currently just Rogue One (currently lmao... as if I wrote for anything else in years)
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
you don't have to say i love you to say i love you (I can't believe this is number one... I'm pretty sure I wrote it on my phone 😭)
stars in the same constellation (just a drabble collection)
touching the sun (honestly considering how anxious I was about this one... it's reassuring to see it in the top 3 💖)
Blood Red Rose (I mean I would have been sad if this didn't make it)
skinny love (this one's a surprise! I wrote it so long ago and it never stood out to me in particular? but I'm glad you guys enjoyed it)
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
unless I somehow miss it, I always do!
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
it's actually not written/posted yet but it's coming on Sunday so be prepared.... other than that, we have if you and i are a story that never gets told which is open ended but in a hopeless kinda way. they don't die but it's implied they probably will. all my other stories have happy endings because I want them to be happy.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I think maybe imaginary homelands since the whole thing is about them finding their way back to each other, and also, it takes place post-war so no one dies, no one's suffering anymore, and they're married and happy by the end.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Not really
9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?
I used to write more than I do now but yeah. Even if I don't, a lot of my stories have sexual themes or innuendo because that's just who I am as a person.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
I've never written a crossover, it's not my thing. I've written AUs based on fandoms, but not crossovers.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Hopefully not
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes but not in the SW/RO fandom
13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?
Only twice but it was fun!
14. What's your all-time favorite ship?
do you actually need me to say it? it's rebelcaptain <3
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
if a WIP means I'm working on it and have posted it to ao3, then I have full intentions of finishing all of them. otherwise there's a bunch of ideas I play around with and/or outline that'll never get written but idk if that counts.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I tend to like my dialogue
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Action and descriptions 😢 And plot agfdhdfhnhfg
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
if you're not using google translate and know the language (or ask someone who knows it to help you), then it should be fine
but please don't use google translate
19. First Fandom you wrote for?
it was Twilight, but barely... I tried but it didn't really stick. the first fandom I properly wrote for that actually stuck and became a habit was SPN
20. Favorite fic you've ever written?
it's not very polite to ask a mother to choose a favorite kid of hers, now is it?
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twenty questions for fanfic writers
I was tagged by the amazing @oohnotvery, thank you!! <3
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
10, but I orphaned my old account several years ago when I left fandom for a bit. I don't know how many I had back then, over 100 for sure.
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
37.724
3. What fandoms do you write for?
The X-Files. There's most likely going to be some Star Trek in there eventually, and I ventured into other realms in the past, but right now, exclusively The X-Files.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
under construction (Torchwood)
wild side (The X-Files)
in conclusion (The X-Files)
the ghost circle (Torchwood)
the physics of being alive (Torchwood)
5. Do you respond to comments?
Yes. If I ever forget, I'm sorry! I love every comment and it's important to me to say thank you.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
held safely in the dark (Torchwood). It's not even all that angsty by that fandom's standards, I suppose.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Good question. I rarely ever write unhappy endings. Fanfic is my happy place. But I think the one I most enjoyed writing because there was NO angst at all was in conclusion (The X-Files).
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Ohhhh my god one time in a different fandom on my old AO3, somebody left a scathing, vitriolic comment on one of my fics, but obviously meant to do it anonymously -- only they forgot to log out first. By the time I read it they had deleted their entire account. That made the whole thing actually funny in context.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yes, I do. What kind? Hmm. Mostly pretty plain and boring. It's all about the feeeeeelings.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I used to. Back in the good old livejournal days I loved a good crossover. I wrote a Stargate Atlantis/Firefly crossover once, that might have been the craziest.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not to my knowledge.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I'm...not sure? I think so? But that would have been like 15 years ago, I'm not sure anymore whether that actually happened or not.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Yes!! And it's so much fun. I've had a few co-writers over the years. Once life is less crazy, I might be tempted to give it another shot.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
Mulder and Scully. There's a reason my tag for them is "the ship of all time."
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
None, currently. ...I'm. Hold on. That can't be true. But I truly can't think of a single one. I can't remember the last time that happened. This doesn't happen. But no, not one.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Dialogue. Because it's fun, and through years and years of practice. One of my first betas drilled "show, don't tell" into my head to the point where I feel it's permanently tattooed onto the backs of my eyelids and I see it every time I blink when I'm writing. And in my very specific case, that meant learning to make people use their words. BUT it has helped me getting rid of unnecessary exposition, which at the same time made me get a lot of practice with dialogue instead. (Let's ignore the fact that I literally just posted a fic that has almost no dialogue at all...)
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Action. I can't do it, I'm sorry. Whose hand goes where when? Does this guy need three arms to do what I just told him to? Wait, you were just over there, how did you get here suddenly? Anyone who can write action scenes has powerful magic and I envy you and please teach me.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
I'm bilingual, so I could do that, I suppose? The need for it has never come up. Sounds fun though.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Stargate Atlantis!! I still miss that fandom. Ahh the livejournal nostalgia is strong tonight...
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
It's usually always the last one I posted, but I'm gonna say in conclusion. I'm very fond of that one.
Tagging...I don't know who has done this and who hasn't! @mr-iskender if you want to?
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Fic author interview! Let's see what that sets rolling in my head. Maybe even some words for fic? Thank you @lynne-monstr <3
No-pressure tagging: @narina-vhey @dragonpyre @theloneliestshipper
How many works do you have on AO3?
Currently 26 after I went on a bit of an orphaning (and deletion) spree last year.
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
397,281. Also a victim of last year, I guess, but I'm getting back there. I kinda hope to find the time to raise that to 500k and feel good with what I've written but we'll see.
3. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Hence begins the journey (part 4 of the vampire Percy series I'm writing) - 598
The Ferryman (potc) - 474
Negotiator's Garden (star wars OS) - 414
Of New Beginnings (part 1 of the vampire Percy series I'm writing) - 344
Far Dawn (part 3 of the vampire Percy... well, you can guess it) - 307
Well, I'm seeing a pattern here is all I'm saying. I'm also wistfully staring at the Ferryman because, well, that's no longer my baby because it's too old for that but that fic has been with me for a while and looking at it now I really want to get around to officially finishing it someday. It's also hilarious to see that Star Wars oneshot up there but I guess vaguely fae Obi-Wan is a fun premise. Fond memories writing that one.
4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do. There are a few comments in my inbox that are a bit of a pile of shame right now but generally I respond to comments because I love talking about the fic I share. Like that one post so eloquently put it: I write for myself, I share for a feeling of community. Or something like that.
5. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Ooof, that's a tough question because I don't like angsty endings with a few rare exceptions. I think the closest I got online can aspire to vaguely ominous (as in hinting at Order 66) but that's not much, is it?
6. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?
Another tough question because I don't go darker than bittersweet for endings I write so, in a way, they're all more or less happy endings? Hmm, I would say maybe No Doubt In Us (TKA canon divergence) bc a) it's actually finished and b) the characters worked hard for their ending and got it.
7. Do you write crossovers?
Not as often as I'd like to and somehow I never get around to finishing them.
8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?
One or two unhappy comments when I wrote Obi-Wan as bisexual (I mean, come on, look at the guy. He's supposed to be straight?) because how dare I write him like that but that's about it.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Rarely and somehow usually as a gift for one person or another. Curious.
10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not apart from those mass-stealing incidents where lots of fic got copied to other sites and all that. At least not that I know of.
11. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I think ten years ago or so someone wanted to translate one of my fics into russian but I honestly can't remember what came of that.
12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Yes, actually, with the wonderful @theloneliestshipper and with @narina-vhey but overall I prefer to write on my own because I got my own approach, time limitations and all in all it just became too stressful.
13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
I don't have one. On further thought, I don't think I'd be happy having an all-time favourite. I prefer that to stay in constant flux.
14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
Oh, that's difficult. Stuff from the pile of shame, probably, so i'll pass on this answer^^
15. What are your writing strengths?
I am told that I manage to keep the characters in character but I think my favourite thing that one person pointed out was that I am good at building connections between canon tidbits to make up new canon divergences and headcanons.
16. What are your writing weaknesses?
Since my favourite topic is canon divergence, most of my plotbunnies have a tendency to turn into longfic which, as we all know, is not that easy to finish.
17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I could read this question in two ways but I think it means writing dialogue in a different language than the general narration and, no, just no. I don't automatically pass on a fic for that if it's using phrases from a conlang in moderation but usually it's just far more confusing than enriching the experience for me.
18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?
Oh, hmm. I'm not sure. The first fandom stuff I did online was for Yu-Gi-Oh and Detective Conan, I think. First fanfic was probably some OC for some high fantasy novel or other.
19. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?
Polymachina (I'm getting there) and zjl/xby/szp for King's Avatar.
20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written
I can't choose but the whole vampire Percy series has some of my favourite moments I've written, so I'll go with that one.
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20 questions for fic writers
@whataboutthefish tagged me - thanks Fishie!!
First, my AO3
How many works do you have on AO3?
191
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
2,150,989
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Supernatural, Stranger Things, Fargo, Stargate, Dickensian, The Blacklist, The X-Files, Angel the Series & Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm probably gonna pick up a few more soon.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
CONventional Psychopathy 'Verse - SPN AU
Tumblr Ask Box Requests - SPN 40 ficlet challenge
Alpha House 'Verse - SPN AU
Resonance 'Verse - SPN canon verse with angel sounds
Best Brother Ever - SPN with a technique that has gotten me the most questions from readers saying "does that really work?" Yes it does.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do, but sometimes it takes me a while to respond because I get weird and shy about it at times. I love comments and read them over again when I need a boost!
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I don't usually have angsty endings, but with CH challenge fics I go ahead and do shit I don't normally do - so Inside (SPN) would be the angstiest ending.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Probably Splintered - ST fic where I throw a lot of shit at the guys but they all get a happy ending.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Yup. I delete comments and asks immediately though so readers and followers hopefully never see any of it. I don't play that game.
9. Do you write smut?
SO MUCH. SOOOOO much.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
Open Sesame Street Walker has to be the wildest one I've done. It was a challenge fic. A choose your own adventure style thing, and I wanted to make every outcome disturbing. I did it, but at the cost of ruining Sesame Street for myself and others 😂
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Yup. CON 'verse is still being sold on a bunch of sites and the "author" is continuing to add more books to the series. I've tried a few times to get them taken down but only succeeded in getting things taken down for a few months.
Out of all the fics that could've been stolen, that's the one that's the WORST because I'm also writing it as original fic and have been for years. I've got proof of that, but if retailers fight me on it when I try to publish, it's gonna suck.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes. A few.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I wrote a few years ago but haven't in a while. I'd like to do it again!
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
No way I can answer that. I'm definitely a multshipper at heart, and I can't even decide on favorite characters, let alone a favorite ship!
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
Rewritten in the Stars is something I'd love to finish, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to get in the headspace again. It's complicated and rewrites aspects of the characters while sticking closely to canon with a lot of moving parts over a 30-year time frame.
The first part of the series feels complete if you read it, but I have 30k written of part 2 and a full outline for part 3.
16. What are your writing strengths?
The thing I get complimented on the most is my worldbuilding.
I also think I'm good at natural dialogue - making it sound like actual speech instead of written word.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
I have trouble condensing things and it gets wordy 😭
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
I've kinda sorta done it with alien language and angel language, a few words here and there of other languages - most of it just English in italics to show that it's not being said in English. I don't think I'd ever try and use an actual language I didn't know for more than a word or two.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Stargate SG1
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
CON 'verse is and probably always will be my favorite. 💜
Tagging from my activity list with no obligation to do it: @actualalligator @medusapelagia @wheels-of-despair @kallisto-k @ltleflrt @peachonified @underwater-ninja-13
If anybody else wants to play, please tag me so I can see your stuff!
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20 Questions
Thank you @silv3reyedstranger for tagging me! Sorry for the delay, I needed to finish my Halloween fic first
How many works do you have on AO3?
22 with 4 still ongoing. This also includes 9 artworks (aside from the 6 in my illustrated fic)
2. What’s you total AO3 count?
177,544 words. Wow! I didn’t expect this much. Cool 🙂
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Supercorp
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
My Eyes are up Here
Change my Direction
Gifts (My first posted Supergirl fic <3 )
It’s a Super Life
The Five Senses of Affection (I plan to update this one soon ;) )
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Yes. Always. Sometimes it’s hard to not spoil the rest of the fic when I answer questions, but I love it when you guys ask questions. I respond to comments because I like to exchange thoughts with people who comment, or simply thank people who took the time to write something.
6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
@silv3reyedstranger I don’t like to copy but your answer is exactly what I think, so I’m mostly gonna keep what you said.
I'm really not the biggest fan of angsty endings (because it makes me sad), so I don't write them. I'd much prefer piling on the angst throughout and giving them a happy ending. There's too much sadness and grief in the world already, I feel like everyone should get a happy ending.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I don’t know, they all end well, but since I need to choose one I'd say Don’t Leave Me because of what happens in the fic
8. Do you get hate on fics?
I did, on Change my Direction a few chapters ago (which is basically a year and a half ago.). People(who had never commented before on this fic) had a lot to say about how I handled a specific chapter.
9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?
Yes I do (I think most of my stuff is rated E on Ao3 lol). I’d say mostly fluff. And…what would you call Kara and Lena have been longing for each other for years and finally decide to…?
I wrote more kinky stuff I haven’t posted yet. There’s angry sex in a fic I’m working on
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I did. Harry Potter and Charmed, City Hunter and Cat’s eyes (1980s and early 1990s mangas by the same author). I used to draw crossovers a lot which was a lot easier than trying to figure out how some characters could meet. I don’t think any of my written crossovers were too far-fetched, but my art on the other hand…I had the Golden trio from Harry Potter meet Naruto characters, and Outfit exchanges(with Naruto and other mangas) a few times in my art.
“Recently” I had Kate Kane and her step-sister visit Kara and Lena in Suddenly I’m in too deep. And I will write crossovers again with other characters from the Arrowverse
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
I hope not.
12. have you ever had a fic translated?
No one’s ever asked, so not that I know of. I’ve tried translating my own fics once upon a time, but what a hassle lol. Although that was back when I was writing in French so translating to English was harder (and my English was not what it is today), maybe it would be easier to translate my current fics in French, but I don’t really see the point lol
13. have you ever cowritten a fic before?
Yes 2 with @lenaralanvers. One is Let’s let go of our Broken Hearts (she did the actual writing but we took decisions together) and the second we haven’t posted yet.
14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?
My OTP? I don’t know. I’ve loved all my ships with passion, still do. I think RonMione, Linzin, Korrasami and of course Supercorp will always hold a very special place in my heart.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
I hope I’ll be able to finish all of my Supercorp ones in any shape or form. Sometimes I just write down a short idea and it turns into a multi chapter fic. Or sometimes I write something I think could be huge, but it turns out to be a few paragraphs and it’s just as finished as the fics I post online.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I’m not good at knowing what I’m good at lol. I think I’m good with fluff scenes and how people react with their senses (sight, touch etc)
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Descriptions. Which is all the more frustrating because I usually get a very precise picture in my head but I can rarely show it with words.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I don’t write entire dialogues in another language, just a few foreign sentences or words here and there. I like to keep it organic for the reader and this method is easier when it comes to including translation
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Harry Potter. I was desperately waiting for Book 5, and after theorizing for a while about serious plot points, one day I sat down to write goofy interviews given by the Golden trio to the Daily Prophet. The funny thing is, fanfiction came naturally to me, and I’m not sure I even knew the name of what I was writing then.
20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?
Oh that’s a tough one, because favorites tend to change. I can list a few that I love in chronological order (each one of these marked a milestone of some kind in my writing journey):
Il était une fois à Shinjuku (the City Hunter and Cat’s eye crossover),
A post Book 1 Korrasami and Borra fic (that I never posted anywhere so I never bothered to properly name it XD),
My eyes are up Here
The Five Senses of Affection
and Don’t Leave me
tagging a couple of people if ya’ll wanna take part! @spaceman-earthgirl @lenaralanvers @chaotic-super @inkedroplets @guessimreallyhere
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
Thanks so much for tagging me in this, @acetonitril! Sorry for the delay, but I wanted to really think out my answers.
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
12 currently! This is my first year actually posting fics and I'm happy with my progress.
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
118,159! There's a chance I'll get another fic finished soon, too . . . And maybe I'll be able to sneak in something short and smutty before the end of the year.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
All I've published is Top Gun. I'm not going to be surprised if I end up writing soapghost for the COD games. Y'all have some superb writers and artists that keep drawing me in. Historically, I started some small 00Q and Destiel stuff back in ye olde golden days. There's a dramione fic from on my old computer from years back that was like 30k before I stopped.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Kissed By The Sun
Falling Into Place
A Safe Place to Land
Running on Empty
Spare
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Yes! If someone was kind enough to make the effort to leave a comment, I want to make sure that they know I saw it and that I appreciate them for letting me know what they think. I don't generally reply the same day, but I try to reply within a couple of days. I love hearing what readers think and I hope that me engaging back only encourages more comments
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Hmmm I have a couple. Mission Report is a whole pile of angst just as a concept. It's short and sad all the way through imo. Spare ends on a really big cliffhanger which can be read as sad; a character is left in a really fragile medical state. Snow Day is so sweet but then the end is just a gut-punch. You could say that I like to temper fluff and steamy stuff with sadness and angst.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
If the ending isn't sad, it's usually pretty happy. Or at least hopeful. I think I'll give happiest ending award to A Cookie Conundrum. It's so silly and light, no angst.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
None that I've ever seen. But I'm still new and I write safe fics as far as subject and pairings.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Yeah lol. I'm still getting used to writing it. What kind? Pretty standard MLM fic smut. I'd like to write harder edged stuff in the future, but right now it tends to be really loving stuff.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I haven't. That's not something I'm super into as a reader or as a writer. Never say never - it'll only take the right combo to get me going I'm sure, but it hasn't happened yet.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I've seen. That is a worry of mine.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No. I'm still new and I don't see that Top Gun has a lot of fics that get translated (I could be very wrong and missing out)
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No I haven't.
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
All time ever favorite? Yeesh. Uhhhhh I'll cop out and say that I enjoy a similar dynamic to my favorites - they're highly competent in their field but often less confidant about romance, there's a degree of imbalance in the relationship (rank, age gap, experience, etc), and I'm an absolute sucker for a character that doesn't let anyone else emotionally close who lets That Guy in.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I don't think I'm going to finish any of the old fic I mentioned, like from years ago. If I pick up those fandoms and pairings again, I'll start over.
16. What are your writing strengths?
God I don't know. I consider myself someone with a good grasp on grammar and how things Should be written as far as that goes (please go ahead and point out all of my mistakes, I know they're everywhere) which helps with readability. Comments repeatedly point out that even my smut is very tender and emotional. I tend to write characters affirming each other and being very giving lovers. I'm sure that says nothing about me as a person. I really like to dig into missing scenes to expand the emotional complexity of the canon story.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Knowing when and how to end a story. One of those writing posts that go around here mentioned going back a couple of paragraphs when you get stuck, which has been so true for me. But endings are still so hard. Writing sex is still weird, too, and I can get stuck on a single scene for days. Coming up with titles is also so, so hard. Occasionally one will appear and I'll run with it, but usually it's one of the last things done before I post. I'm really not happy with the titles for my Ace Week fics.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
Do you mean including characters speaking a different language and writing their dialogue in that language? A block of text in another language is rough on a reader and there's not really a good work around. Asterisks to the bottom of the page don't work on A03.
If I want a reader to know what a character is saying, I'd make note of the language change and use italics in dialogue but otherwise write normally. If the characters are in a situation where I DON'T want them or the reader to understand, then I'd type the language in italics.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
I've written what I would now call fanfic off and on my whole life. When I was seven, I wrote a horribly indulgent self-insert fic of me joining the characters of one of my favorite book series (Pony Pals) for an adventure. In middle school, before the publication of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I wrote my own version. I think I filled like two notebooks. I wonder if it's still around somewhere - I had some good ideas, some that were better than canon ended up imo
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
Running on Empty! I loved it as one chapter but I really enjoy the whole story as it turned out in three. The only big thing I might change is tweaking the emotions Maverick feels after he and Ice finally get together. But that story flowed so well while writing and I really loved the world that I created with their families and especially Lisa and Jason for Slider. Plus I feel like that fic really addresses some of the trauma that Maverick went through and how he wasn't getting the support he needed in the OG movie.
That went long! Thanks again to @acetonitril for tagging me in this. I'm sure everyone else has already chimed in, but feel free to jump in if not. These are some great questions!
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1. How many works do you have on AO3?:
9
2. What's your total AO3 word count?:
87,894
3. What fandoms do you write for?
I only write for Star Trek these days. I muddle between all of them as I tend to write for small background characters I've developed unhealthy obsessions with.
Back in my fanfiction.net days I predominantly wrote Star Trek Enterprise and Stargate Atlantis but I took a 20 year hiatus (more or less) in writing fanfic. I only really started writing again about 6 months ago because Star Trek Picard made me simultaneously so happy and so angry that my creativity just exploded back to life.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Not Your Typical Disaster Scenario (Discworld - Terry Pratchett)
Eight Down. Yellow Bird Who Goes 'Quack!' (Discworld)
A Way With Wordes (Discworld)
Come freely. Go safely; and leave something of the happiness you bring. (Star Trek: Picard, Star Trek)
Where the falling angel meets the rising ape (12 Monkeys (TV))
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Absolutely! Nothing makes my day like receiving a comment on a fic. I always make sure to leave them on fic I enjoy too.
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
I think my fav kinds of endings are bittersweet rather than angsty. A lot of the time they end with lovers parting, willingly or not. Love me a 'doomed by the narrative' type.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
A Way With Wordes - it ends with a wedding announcement!
8. Do you get hate on fics?
No, which given that I've written for an insanely unpopular ship once or twice, is actually a little surprising.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
My good man/woman/rogue, I only write smut these days. I used to live for fluffy friendship fics, and I like to think I still inject a lot of tenderness into my work, but I am more motivated by the idea of becoming a good erotica writer than anything else these days.
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
I don't. I thought about writing a 12 Monkeys/Picard crossover but never went through with it.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Yes. I had a bunch of Spock/McCoy poems I wrote back in 2002 reappear over a decade later on AO3 under someone else's name. Not an archive, just some guy pretending he wrote them. I honestly didn't care. They were exactly the kind of mawkish tripe you'd expect a 12 year old to write.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Nope.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Back in my day, sonny, we wrote fics round robin style through hotmail.com or on the yahoo message boards. (So yes, but we're talking like 20 years ago. I don't do it anymore because I'm in too weird of a niche these days!)
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
Nebula class. Looks like a frog. I have a Nebula model on my desk that I replaced the decal of to make it the T'Kumbra!
OH, you mean like...OTP? Uh... I don't think I have one anymore? Back in the day I used to read a tremendous amount of McKay/Weir(SGA), Archer/T'Pol (Ent), and Jack/Sam (SG1) but these days I really enjoy reading about niche characters and ocs. Some of the best fics I've read this year have been oc/oc fics or obscure character(OC) and original character(oc) fics.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
You got me in between the devil and the deep blue sea - I was so taken with this idea when I started, then I got super sick and now whenever I think of working on it, I just feel tired again and don't. We'll see if I return to it.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I feel like I'm really good at setting a mood and drawing a person in with all their senses. I get a lot of comments about that.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
I don't use one word where many will do. My chapters are way. too. freakin'. long.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I do this a lot, but I always put in the translations. If it's a sentence, I will place the translation after the sentence. If it's just a word, I'll put in a glossary.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Ever? Star Trek TOS and it was a Spones fic. On AO3? Discworld and it was Vimes & Vetinari.
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
I am obsessed with A Perfect Match. I love delving into Romulan and Vulcan culture and exposing the similarities and dichotomies of two arrogant characters like Letant and Solok.
However, I am also very proud of Not Your Typical Disaster Scenario which I wrote based on a piece of art I found super inspiring.
If you’re reading this and want to play, I hereby tag you with no pressure. 🥳
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20 Questions for Fic Writers
tysm to @spaghettisaurusrex for tagging me!!
1. How many works do you have on ao3? 18
2. What's your total ao3 word count? 83,346
3. What fandoms do you write for? At the moment it's mostly Angel, with a bit of the Oklahoma revival as well! What a combo.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? From number five to number one:
A Series of Statements Regarding Sunnydale, California (btvs and tma crossover that I wrote the first four chapters of and then stopped updating over three years ago. sorry everyone),
looking up for heaven (vaguely angsty little women fic that I wrote in an afternoon bc I was In My Feelings about jo and laurie, but is honestly pretty good),
Those I Love, It Rends (really really angsty little women fic that I wrote in more than an afternoon bc I was In My Feelings about jo and laurie, and is also honestly pretty good),
Coming Home (little women fic about jo and laurie reconciling that's still a personal fave of mine),
sincere and honest conversation (tma fic about jon coming out to the archive team that I wrote in like a day for aspec archives week and it..... guys it sucks. it sucks so bad. can people please stop leaving kudos on this one i'm so sick of getting emails about it oh my god. not even linking this one fuck that
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I try to!! I'm always super excited to get comments and also have chronic won't-shut-the-fuck-up disease so I'll usually leave some kind of response, even if I have no idea how to respond to positive feedback half the time lol
6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? probably triptych? feels like cheating since it's really just a character study of the actual ending to ok19, but surprsingly enough I don't actually have that much written that ends angstily
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? oooo I'm gonna say Coming Home - I probably have written fluffier fic but I find that one very cathartic and think the ending to it is just generally really strong
8. Do you get hate on fics? ehhhh I've had a couple of annoying comments in the past but nothing I'd call hate lol
9. Do you write smut? nope, and I probably never will! I wrote like. one vaguely suggestive scene for give them all that they can drink bc I kind of had to for story reasons and jesus it felt like pulling teeth. I simply do not enjoy it. anyway if like a year from now I've written myself into a corner where I have to do that again feel free to laugh at me
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? I mean I'm currently in the process of trying to finish my Oklahoma/Magnus Archives crossover fic so I think there's your answer. Actually funnily enough all the crossover fics I've written have been something crossing over with tma. What can I say, I just really love the tma lore and enjoy applying it to other things!
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not as far as I know!
12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Again, not as far as I know!
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Nope! Closest I've come is Miles helping me out with editing to be a king of a ruined world and us bouncing off each other with our ok19 fic thoughts in general
14. What's your all-time favorite ship? I'm with you on this one El - can't answer this question my ability to have an all time favourite is hindered by my brain jumping from interest to interest like some kind of fucked up flea. also I mostly write gen anyway so. eh.
15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? oh dear lord there's so many. Like every couple of weeks I contemplate going back to this wishverse au I wrote where buffy and angel survive the battle against the master and proceed to have a deeply fucked up relationship and ruin each others' lives. It was vaguely inspired by the silt verses and the wolf 359 minisode variations on a theme. It was kind of about aromanticism. It was mildly unhinged. And it will probably never be finished because I couldn't figure out a good direction to take it in. Pour one out.
16. What are your writing strengths? Imagery!! People always tell me my imagery is super vivid and memorable and you know what? They're right! I think I have a knack for coming up with imagery and metaphors and motifs and weaving them throughout my writing. Doesn't hurt that I edit my fics like they're academic essays so even if they're not interesting they at least always have strong throughlines
17. What are your writing weaknesses? hmmmm I feel like pacing is something I struggle with. Also while I think my imagery and metaphors are strong I also have a really hard time figuring out how like, subtle to make them? Like I just Do Not have an intuitive sense of what's too heavy-handed or what's too oblique, so I feel like it can end up leaning a bit on the obvious side. it's something I'm working on!
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? It's not something I've ever really thought about, to be honest! Probably not something I'd do myself, but that's really just because I'd be likely to mess it up lol
19. First fandom you wrote for? Lost, which is truly something I can never live down. guys I really really like that one insanely underdeveloped ghost-talking guy
20. Favorite fic you've written? either give them all that they can drink or how ridiculous I was as a marionette. much as I clown on myself for writing not one but two ace cordy fics that were meant to be short and ended up being 9k, I can't act like I don't think they were both excellent. oh, and I'm also always very proud of what exists of to be a king of a ruined world, though I feel like I can't call it my favourite on the grounds that it's only like. a third done.
tagging @discocaptain @ramiroangel @beatriceeverytuesday and @jennycalendar
#tag game#writing shtuff#this was so fun to do i love. yelling about my writing#tysm el!!!#ifer rambles
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Thanks for tagging me @judgeverse ❤️️
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
16
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
108,855, almost all of that coming from this year as I spent the last few months of last year getting back into writing by telling myself 'I'm just going to write. I won't post, so I don't need to worry how good they are'.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Stargate Universe because those guys are in my brain and I'd die for them, but my next fic I'm posting is going to be Stargate Atlantis. I also have 2 WIPs from Durham County as my brain went 'hey the SGU fandom is pretty small... You know what would be really funny?'
Back in the day on ffnet (*checks* 15 years ago jesus christ!) I wrote for Doctor Who, Torchwood, Star Trek: TNG, Blakes 7, Invasion, X-Men: The Movie, Demons, House, NCIS, Prison Break, and Being Human. 87 stories with 169,449 words. I'll have a quick look through them and see if there's anything worth reposting, but I doubt it. 14 years olds aren't usually very good, ya know? Though I do look at Reviews: 220 and think yikes, I did not have social anxiety when I was that age did I?
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
down here they call us animals has 32, but the rest of them are single digits because SGU is such a small fandom.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Always, love talking to people about my fics and it's not going to encourage people to keep commenting if they get no response from the author. Sometimes it takes a while because my spoons can get funky.
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
so i bite my tongue and hope for blood, where Telford gets sexually assaulted by a drugged Rush, then goes on a killing rampage with none of the recovery (if there even is any beyond pretending it never happened) shown and nothing is really resolved.
there was a devil in my soul i think we activated, set during 2x07 The Greater Good, extends the scene aboard the derelict spaceship between Young and Rush. Young has a ton of trauma about Carmen, David, Riley, and P2S-569, and ends the fic in a pretty suicidal place.
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
This was a bit tougher to answer as I usually have some angst hanging around, but i'm a stolen car in a parking garage, where at the end Rush and Telford are bantering back and forth, sharing-time is happening, and they also have their first kiss in this fic, after having been fucking for a while.
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Nah, it's much better than it was back in the day. At least in the fandoms I frequent.
9. Do you write smut? If so what kind?
Oh, do I! 😄 Every gay kind that takes my fancy, from vanilla to super kinky. There are of course a few kinks I avoid reading/writing about as I'm sure everyone does, but if anyone has a specific kink they'd like to see me write hit me up and we'll talk!
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
I'm afraid not. I'm just not that into them. 🤷♂️ (The fact that if I filter out crossovers on the SGU AO3 page I lose ~400 fics is a crime!)
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
I don't think so.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No.
13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?
Back in the day me and a friend wrote many hundreds of thousands of words RPing the 10th Doctor and the Master. RPing isn't allowed on ffnet so I received a warning and they deleted the fic. Thankfully I still have every single one of those fics due to being anal about backing stuff up on memory sticks, so if you'd like them @chosennightmares let me know. ❤️️
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
Telford/Rush, if I have to pick just one, though I could chuck Young in there and go through every combination possible and still be very happy.
15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?
Nothing currently posted as due to having a lot of unfinished fics on ffnet I'm adverse to posting things without at least having an ending in mind. But there's an SGU fic titled Your Own Worst Enemy which was started in August last year and delves into rape recovery for Rush, Young, Telford, and Destiny herself. I need to be in the right headspace to write it and despite having 8 chapters of it completed I don't know how it's going to end up.
16. What are your writing strengths?
Developing different versions of Rush, Young, and Telford and have all of them still be in character despite being so different.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Getting the end of the fic written, knowing how to sign things off. The promised SGA fic sat 95% completed for fucking ages where all I could do whenever I scrolled to it was stare.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
Knowing the state Google Translate is in, I probably wouldn't risk it, no. It does annoy me when I'm reading and I'm told to scroll to the author's notes at the bottom of the fic to see what's been said and then having to scroll all the way back up, potentially losing my place. Much prefer people using the HTML hover text option.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Doctor Who. My mum was involved in putting together Who Cons when I was a kid, so I grew up watching the classic series.
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
a memory, a distant echo I really enjoyed writing it, fleshing out David's character, and really digging into his psyche. It's a tough read, but I'm very proud of how it turned out.
tagging @thestorieswesay @no-more-pawn @chosennightmares @galadhir @sga-owns-my-soul
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remember when (m)
pairing: jaehyun + reader
genre: angst, smut, soulmate!au, rich kid!au, convenience marriage!au, hurt/comfort, college!au (more details + warnings after read more)
word count: 12,7k
summary: A story about vulnerability and the lines we draw to avoid it. About soulmates, desires, setting yourself free. And, of course, a story about love and discovering exactly what it is.
song recs: skin by mac miller and pure love by hayley williams
warnings: there are some mentions of drug use, brief mention of mental issues, bad parenting. just overall some subjects that might not be comfortable to read like i usually put on my fics but it's nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing graphics happens!
disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. none of the events described are real or are an accurate representation of the people and brands named.
a/n: i would like to thank mary (neostains) for requesting this fic and cami (caiuscassiuss) for helping me with some informations about how ivy leagues work lol. this is my longest work so far, i think, and it’s a very special one. i hope you guys enjoy it!
✶
There was a time in your childhood where you remember being obsessed with princess movies. Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, name a fairytale and you would have probably watched it a couple of times, entranced by the images playing on the newest television your father had bought.
Isn’t it fucked up that young girls are always fed this stereotypical image of love? It’s like a woman is not good for anything but to love someone, to be a half until she found the other and became whole. At 8 you ate that up like no one else.
At 11 your mother hires someone to give you a talk, about how the world worked and about the weird name that would appear in your arm once you turned 18. It feels like a lecture, the woman telling you about perfect matches, the probabilities of love and soulmates in a flat tone that didn’t make you feel as excited as you did watching the fairytales you used to like. When you tell your friends at school about it, they act surprised at the way you were told and instead, tell you about the stories about meeting your true love their own parents had shared.
At 15, your mother enrolls you in preparatory school, with full theatricals about intellects and getting into the best college possible so you can do your duty as heir of your father’s company when it becomes necessary.
It takes you a while, but you realize finally that love is nothing compared to money when you see for the first time that the name on your mother's wrist is not your fathers. Not long after that, you find out that for the sake of the company, you would be marrying Jung Jaehyun, heir of the second biggest automobilistic company in the country.
At 18 you think romance and love are trivial things.
⋄
NOVEMBER, 2013
It’s a harsh winter, one that makes your hands tremble and your head hurt more than usual.
You rub at your temples as you make your way down the hallway as students pass by you at the same pace as yours to get to their next class. A dreading routine, one that is so busy it leaves you with no time to think of anything else but the essay you have to write, or the grade you have been waiting to receive.
Today, though, your headache is so intense that your mind is filled with nothing but a black void.
Despite that, you walk in small steps to your literature lecture. Your bag feels as heavy as your head and the thick wool sweater you have on is barely enough to keep you warm, legs shivering from the stupid skirt they made you wear. Knee length, of course, but still a bother to sit and move.
Fuck boarding school, is what you think as you pass a group of boys talking loudly. One of them has a Harvard pin on his cardigan, you notice in the back of your mind. It only makes you feel sicker.
The first bell rings and you realize how slow you have been really walking. A faster pace, a muttered curse and then the second bells makes you feel like your ears are melting, headache increasing. Now you’re late, a rare occurrence that will probably not affect your records in any way, but still, makes you walk faster.
It all happens very fast. You turn into the corridor that leads to your classroom but not a second later you’re bumping straight into someone, books in your hand scattering to the floor and head spinning from the impact. It’s hard keeping your balance, but the harsh grip on your forearms helps and then you’re opening your eyes, that you didn't notice you had squeezed shut in the first place.
“Fuck, I’m really sorry.” The voice is familiar but the curse feels alien on your ears. Jung Jaehyun never curses, he has manners better than that. “I’m running late and walking too fast.”
He mumbles and you almost snort at the obviousness of it all. At the fact you were literally doing the same thing. “It’s okay. I should’ve been paying more attention.” There’s no reason for either of you to be apologizing, is what you think about as your hand immediately moves to your temple again in hopes pressing on it will cease the pain.
He’s looking right at you when you finally meet his eyes. His face is painted with embarrassment, the red hue on his ears a dead giveaway. He doesn’t keep eye contact for more than five second, instead moving to pick up your books for you. “Still, I’m very sorry.” He sounds polite, as always. The curse from before is still fresh on your mind.
You had met Jung Jaehyun at the age of 9, not that you remember exactly how it went. Some random brunch where you and him sat side by side as your mothers talked about whatever was happening seven years ago. You remember your old nanny being there, and how she asked sweetly if you would like more juice. You remember missing her when she got fired three weeks later for unrelated matters that were never told to you. And that’s about it.
After that, the years passed with Jaehyun being a weird presence in your life. The rich kids ran in the same circles, that didn’t take you a long time to realize and wherever you went he was there too.
German classes at 11, the birthday party of the daughter of someone you didn't know at 12, etiquette classes at 13. An event for your father's company at 14, one of his fathers at 15 and now at 16, attending the same boarding school and having to meet each other like this, with awkward smiles and polite conversation. Because navigating a relationship you didn't know the other very well, but too well at the same time was a weird thing to do.
Jung Jaehyun was like you, but at the same time he wasn't. You were friends but at the same time merely acquaintances.
But this you remember vividly: him asking you random things at german classes and making you laugh with his awkward pronunciation. Him eating cake by your side at the birthday party, covering his lips before he asked you if you like chocolate or vanilla more. Him making fun of you quietly for dropping down your fork loudly in the middle of etiquette class. Him standing awkwardly by your side while you got reprimanded by your mother during the event, for not properly remembering the name of a lady that came to greet you, your head down as you forced yourself not to cry in front of him.
And then, his father clapping yours on the back after they talked about how lovely it would be if someday the two of you got married to join economic forces. No, not someday. When you two got married.
You, pretending he didn't exist after that day, because you realized that this too you wouldn't get to decide.
Jaehyun clears his throat, hands you your books. “How is your father?” He asks, a stupid question to ask when you're both late. A stupid question to ask, period.
You try not to grimace. “He's okay. Alive.” And then he’s chuckling lowly, awkwardly.
“That’s good, no company to run at 16 then.” He tries to joke and it's amusing, in a way that for someone else might not be. But you two are the same, at least when it comes to this.
“And hopefully never.” A stupid thing to hope for, but still he smiles at you.
Then the moment is over, the third alarm sounds and both your eyes shoot open and you’re muttering goodbyes before heading to your classes.
Your head still hurts, but you don’t feel as cold anymore.
⋄
2015
Anticipation, isn’t that just a fancier word to describe the gut feeling that something is going to happen? Worst yet when you know exactly what it is, but have no possible ways of knowing the possible outcome.
There’s a window behind your advisor, with a view to the field where the lacrosse team practices. You watch it with a lack of interest as the older lady flips through pages and more pages of what is possibly your future.
No, not possibly. Definitely your future. Because at least to this, you knew the only outcome possible.
It’s a pretty day, one that shouldn’t be spent inside a room with wood furniture and shelves and more shelves of books, that are almost as many as the certificates on the wall. Not when it also happens to be your birthday.
“This is a really good essay, ___. You have a talent with words.” Your advisor breaks the silence in a flat voice despite it being a compliment. It makes your eyes immediately refocus on her but she gives you no time yet to reply. “I am sure the admission team will read it with interest.”
“Thank you.” A polite smile reaches your lips. She was never much of a praiser, not that she needed to be. Your last name carried all the confidence you needed to have for a thing like this.
And, perhaps the interest they would be having would be exactly about that. What does the only heir of the biggest automotive company in the country have to offer for Stanford? Probably a lot, with a weight that heavy on her shoulders.
“You have started applications to only two schools, are you sure you would not like to add more?” Now she says it in a weirdly soft tone. Persuasion, because it would look good for the school that one of their best students accepted to all the ivy leagues. Your GPA would make sure of that, but that's not all.
“I don’t see the point. Stanford has always been my only choice.” You say it as nicely as possible because this is an old conversation.
“I see, well. This is it then, there's a few other students interested in attending Stanford too." She smiles bitterly, gathering the papers and putting it back on their respective folders. "But the chances of you getting in are very good. I'm sure all your hard work will pay off.”
You go to thank her but at that moment there's a pinch on your arm that leaves you distracted. It's followed by a weird burning sensation that doesn't cease when you grip it underneath the table as gently as possible. If anything, the fabric of your cardigan only makes it worse.
She bids you your goodbyes, with pleasantries exchanged but when you reach the door to leave she interrupts. “Oh, I almost forgot. Happy birthday, ____.” She smiles when you turn to thank her. “Please enjoy the rest of the day, turning 18 is very special.”
With a small bitter smile and promise to do so, you leave the room.
You reach your dorm room in no time, a stoic face on but with quick steps. And you try not to think about it, but the burning sensation on your arms continues.
It goes like this:
You close the door behind you gently, dropping your things down and immediately crumbling as you slide to the floor, unable to stand still anymore. You cry, for the second time today because birthdays were just not good. For about 10 minutes that's all that happens, your silent sobs and complete silence filling the room.
The burning in your arms stays there as a painful reminder and it tempts you to look, even though you know that the outcome didn't matter, not for you. Because behind blurry teary eyes you can see perfectly the image of your own mother's arm and the name of someone you didn't know, that she probably also didn't.
Because you are now 18 and you think romance and love are trivial things, that's all they could be.
You are now 18, and when you can't stand not knowing for another minute, you raise the sleeve of your cardigan and the name Jung Jaehyun is there on your wrist.
An ugly, incredulous laugh leaves your lips and soon turns into a sob. Of course it had to be him, you and Jung Jaehyun were tied to each other for a reason that was beyond fate.
You squeeze your eyes at the same time your hands squeeze your thighs, trying to get a grip. You calm yourself down, deep breaths in and out, your mind providing the good and the bad. No matter how you looked at it, it seemed like a trick the universe was playing on you. One, it would be worse if another name appeared, a name that you would have to pretend didn't exist, because this was just another thing you didn't have a say in. This was supposed to happen anyway, maybe it was better this way.
Then your mind provides another thought that makes your mind swirl. Jung Jaehyun had turned 18 in February, your name had appeared on his arms months ago and he didn't say a word about it to you, or to anyone for all you know. Maybe he was pretending too, maybe he wanted more time thinking that at least this he would get to choose.
Well, whatever fairytale that had been created inside stupid minds, was gone now.
⋄
The whole thing is announced two weeks later, in a gossip magazine with information from an inside source. Information that is carefully crafted from a marketing team the moment you reveal the result.
A result, like a test had been applied and you got Jung Jaehyun for whatever reason.
You exchange pleasantries the next time you see him, no trace of being too young to know the rest of your lives already. You just look at each other in maybe defeat, while your families make a toast to celebrate a wedding to take place in a few years from now. A wedding that held meaning beyond the marks that tied the two of you. Destiny just helped a little bit, it was just a good excuse to justify a marriage that had been arranged ages ago.
A month later you get accepted to Stanford, of course you do. And your mother's smile is a loud reminder of every single time she called you and inquired about every grade, every step you made to make sure this happened and that it all happened accordingly.
It doesn't take you long to find out Jaehyun got accepted there too.
⋄
AUGUST 2016
The heels of your Miu Miu boots make small stomping noises on the wood floor sounds as you walk through shelves and shelves filled with books. It’s not a loud sound, probably only perceived by your own ears, and you let it distract you as you navigate the big corridors of the Green Library.
Stanford had made your eyes shine during your first visit and then for the first months of your freshman year. The thrill of finally experiencing something new and yet undiscovered carried on until it gave space to normalcy, another routine. But this time, a feeling blossomed inside your stomach with wanting to eat it up.
A feeling that died and resurrected every now and then, but you played it safe. Navigating it with baby steps with fear of what could happen if you strained a little too far from the line. And what could that be? A magazine spread on how a famous philanthropic's daughter parties too hard in college, with pictures of you doing a line on marble countertops? A class failed and the disappointment on your mother's voice when she called you? A scandal about your night escapades? You didn’t want to find out just yet.
So you settle for your new routine, of going out every now and then with the roommates that you were about to consider friends. Pondering if it’s worth it to join another club, just to feel like there's something else that makes you feel excited. Coming to the library, studying to keep your mind busy because your thoughts were never up to no good.
And it's so easy, being busy like you always managed to, with assignments, and volunteering and maintaining a perfect GPA.
It's also easy to ignore Jung Jaehyun’s existence. Because this time, unlike in boarding school, the task is much simpler, since classes are filled with so many people that on the ones you shared with him you barely get a glance of his eyes. Because he ran around in circles that had nothing to do with yours.
It was always clear to you, since youth, that Jaehyun was a social butterfly that just needed a little pushing, and he was nice enough that people always wanted him near. A high contrast to your quietness and introverted ways, staying in small circles and almost never allowing people to get too close.
It's weird thinking about him, putting a face to the name that was forever marked on your skin as a reminder of your future. It was weird thinking that it was easy to ignore this feeling too, like all the other ones that you have kept away in your small little box. The feelings that came out at least once a year when it all became too much, and you would sit in a duvet to spill all the dead butterflies inside your stomach out on the floor of a therapy clinic.
But even like this, weirdness doesn't begin to cover the way sometimes you catch yourself thinking of a memory that involves him, random and unexpected. A moment shared before the two of you discovered what expected you, before destiny was revealed. And you don't pretend that it's not real, that you don't feel the longing and need to be close, that your skin doesn't tingle when you see him around campus. You were long past pretending now, because there was no reason to play dumb when sometimes all you had were your own thoughts to rot your brain.
What you were good at, though, was concealing it all.
Was Jaehyun good at that too? Now that's something that you think about more than you would like. It didn't help that sometimes you would bump into him out of nowhere.
You enter the marketing aisle, eyes fixed on the small numbers taped to each section in hopes that the book you need was still here. It takes you awhile to realize that there's someone else with you, only moving your head up when you hear the footsteps approaching.
“Hi.” Jaehyun says, a small smile on his lips that is as gentle as every other thing about his looks. He stands close, but not too much. A safe distance for you to run your eyes through his body one time, eyes stopping at the big ‘S’ on his sweatshirt.
You clear your throat before greeting him back. “Hello.” Your voice is low, thoughtful of your surroundings, but you match his smile in a silent agreement of politeness.
His eyes run through your face the same way yours does his. Curiosity, or maybe the longing feeling you try to not think about. The unspoken space in between the two of you is intact for now.
He has changed so much in a year, is what you always think about when you two get to see each other up close. It always made you feel a weird nostalgia, seeing a face you had known for so long but now feels a little out of reach because of your own stubbornness. Your own fears.
“What book are you looking for?” He asks after some time, making small talk.
You turn your eyes to the books, him following. “Uhm, Kotler.”
“Oh, of course. How is marketing going?” You almost laugh at his attempt to make conversation, a skill well acquired during etiquette class.
“It’s okay. Not regretting it yet.” A half lie. Maybe another thing you were keeping locked deep down, your dislike for your major. But thinking about that while having a conversation with your soulmate was far from something you wanted to do.
He hums amused, eyes still fixed on the shelf. “That's good.”
You finally find the book, leaning down to get it and hugging it to your chest as your mind searches for something to offer for your own piece of ice breaker. Then you remember seeing his face last week printed on a glossy paper, an intricate article on consumerism tendencies online besides it.
“Congrats on the publication.” You say, facing him again. It’s genuine, because you knew how things like that really mattered. Small things that were nowhere near the accomplishments expected of the two of you, but still something to be proud of.
He laughs lowly, with bashful manners of looking down to his feet and with ears turning red. “It’s just a campus magazine.” Because of course he would be humble, amongst all the other qualities you were well acquainted with. Deep down you know that it's just a reflection of the high expectations that have been set the moment he was born.
“Still, it was very well written. And everyone said it was impressive for a freshman.” Everyone being the friend that showed you the magazine, but you'll pretend for him that it was something more. To try and erase the feeling of not deserving something that probably runs through his mind.
You would crush it beneath your boots if you could, it's the weird thought that runs through yours.
He huffs. “Well, it’s Stanford. Hard to know what's gonna be impressive and what is just expected of you.”
“Good thing we are all promising young adults that don't need their egos to be fed, right?” You joke back and it makes him laugh a little too loudly, quickly stopping himself as you two exchange awkward but familiar glances with tiny smiles on your lips.
A moment of silence settles next, one that lasts only long enough for you to shift the weight from one leg to another. Then he's asking. “Are you… Are you doing something this weekend?”
“I’m expected at a company party.” You reply flatly, blinking twice but not really pondering the reasons for his curiosity. You two stare at each other for a second that passes quickly.
“The HSBC event?” He asks and you nod, expecting the words he says next. “Oh, I'll attend it as well.”
“Boring, huh?” An attempt to continue a conversation that should've ended by now.
“Yeah.” He looks at you, and then away, and then back at you. “I was thinking that we could have din-“
Footsteps interrupt his words and you look behind your shoulder to see who the newcomer is. A tall man, taller than Jaehyun even, smiles at you guiltily before he’s looking at Jaehyun and raising his brows. “We are late, dude.” He deadpans as you look between the two of them.
“Shit, I didn’t realize.” Jaehyun says in a groan, bringing his big watch to his face, and you have to contain a smile at the curse. Then he turns to you. “Sorry, I gotta go.”
“It’s fine.” You mumble, the book still held tight against your chest.
He waves awkwardly as the other man throws you another smile. You watch them leave with trembling fingers.
⋄
DECEMBER 2017
December always made you feel a little weird. Blame it on the cold and the days spent in bed trying to get the warmth you craved. Or on the impending approach of winter break and having to deal with your parents and your obligations for the month to follow.
But you try not to think about that just yet, when the time comes you'll deal with it. That's what you always do. For now you let your bed swallow you as you scroll down mindless through your instagram feed, double tapping publications of past boarding school acquaintances smiling with the Harvard location attached to each picture, just like the brand names are attached to their clothes. It's a little pathetic to you that your own account looks the same, with pictures carefully picked with a marketing tactic in mind.
Your little distraction is interrupted when the door to your room opens and your roommate, Ela, walks in, clearly shivering from the cold even underneath her thick dark grey coat. “God, it's fucking freezing outside.” She mumbles as a greeting, removing her boots and setting it close to the door before draping her coat on her chair.
“How was the meeting?” You ask from under your blankets, laughing a little as she drops her things on her own bed. The question makes her sigh loudly.
“That dude is still an asshole.” The dude in question being her partner to a never ending project of rebranding that sometimes stressed even you, from how much she talked about it. “But we are almost done with it now.”
“That's good.”
She plops on her bed, across from yours and a comfortable silence settles for a moment as she probably tries to have a moment of calmness.
Ela was an old face on your life, having attended the same school but never really getting closer than knowing each other's name. Still, it was good that you got paired to dorm with her. A familiar face that became a friend of sorts, as the two of you built a relationship on things in common and the want to have someone you could trust in a new place. And she was different than you, more outgoing, had a liking for socializing that you could never match, but still understood you.
“Hey, did you finish that essay already?” She asks, turning her face to you.
“Yes, it was bitch to write.”
“And Kotler is super boring to read.” A sigh escapes her lips and you agree loudly because she's right. Sometimes, when you allowed yourself a moment of wishful thinking, you would wonder what it would be like to have a major that you didn't feel like your brain was melting from boredom when reading about.
“I'm really tired.” You reply, just to say something back.
“Same. Are you doing something for winter break?”
In your mind you know exactly what you'll be doing, a schedule even ready on your mind, but instead you say “Not really, are you?”
She hums, voice tired but still excited as she goes on about how she wants to go to Europe again, visit Amsterdam because that was one of her favorite travel destinations. When you ask how it was, she describes in perfect detail, how the streets looked and how it felt very welcoming, telling you that you absolutely had to go there someday.
You promise to go and in the back of your mind you wish you could. Maybe you can if you can do more week hours on your internship and ask for a free week.
You shake your head at that though.
“Oh, I got this little get together today. At that bar downtown.. .Do you want to go?” You know she’s asking out of politeness, not because she didn't want you there but because you rarely said yes to her invitations.
But there’s a tiny spark on your chest, one that resembles the restless feeling you would get when you stayed too long laying down. It's not a motivation as much as it is boredom and the wish to feel something other than half emptiness. Other than the want to escape.
“Ok.” You say, shrugging slightly.
“Really?”
The raise of her brow makes you laugh. “Yeah, we are getting home next week. That's the last time I get to do this for a while.”
⋄
The bar is a little crowded, with winter break approaching and no one really daring step outside for a smoke because of how cold it is. The owners took great advantage of that by offering a ‘buy two get one free’ deal, that if you take a closer look at is really just a scam considering the price. But it's enough to fool college students that are excited about being away from this place for a while.
That’s what you think about after you down the remnants of the third drink you and your roommate shared. It’s not that kind of night, of getting wasted and not remembering anything the next day. It’s more of a little get together, for your roommate's club members and you are here merely as an intruder.
You feel just a little tipsy as you listen to her friends talk, some of them you knew from afar and some were just strangers that were nice enough to make you laugh every now and then. Still, you feel detached from the conversation, smiling and nodding when needing but not really taking part.
“What about you, ___?” A girl with round cheeks and pretty eyes asks you regarding your vacation plans. “You gotta invite us if you are throwing a party.”
You scoff before you can catch yourself. Alcohol always drops your inhibitions a little, but still you are quick to cover it up. You laugh along with the others, promising to invite everyone even though you are not throwing any parties, most likely never.
You roommate looks at you from the corner of her eye, smiling sympathetically because she knows you, and knows how stupid her friends are, but it's fine. You just wish you could just take it easily, the interest, the wanting to get close so they too will appear in a gossip magazine and live the life they think you do, without wanting to tell them to get a fucking life already, because this is just pathetic.
You smile back at her, wishing for another drink as your thigh highs start to roll a little uncomfortably. Shifting from leg to leg does nothing to help it, so you try to push the little annoyance to the back of your mind.
The small groups divide in different topics over the time, and you find yourself talking to some guy you had never seen before, that goes on and on about his amazing business ideas and how successful it's going to be when he finds the right stakeholders. You nod and try to focus through the whole thing.
The rest of the night goes like that. Fake laughter, loud music and conversation that gets more boring as the clock ticks, so you find an escape excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, not because you need to but to get away for a second.
In retrospect maybe it would've been better to endure another discussion about LA clubs and entrepreneurship.
The bar is so crowded that you have to excuse yourself at least five times, and on the sixth one you end up bumping into someone.
“Oh.” Is the clever thing you say when your eyes are met with Jaehyun already looking at you, his eyes lower than usual from probably taking advantage of the drink deal like you had.
He looks relaxed, hair parted in a way that shows his forehead and an all black outfit that doesn’t look as expensive as it probably is, but he makes it work so well that you do a double look while in your hazy state. If he notices, he doesn’t show it by the way he keeps his smile unfazed at you.
“We gotta stop seeing each other by accident,” he says, laughing a little.
“Yeah.” His words take a little to digest so you keep looking at him for a beat of a second. It’s a first, seeing him in a place like this. Where you can see just how well he really can adjust to any setting. He fits right in with the low lights and the relaxed atmosphere.
“This is Johnny.” He gestures for the guy besides him, who turns his attention to you and smiles in a way that’s a little familiar. Then you realize he’s the guy from the library over a year ago, and the friend Jaehyun posted pictures every now and then on his instagram page.
“Hey, It’s nice to meet you.” Johnny says, same smile from before still on and you return it. “Have heard a lot about you.”
That makes you laugh, a mixture of confusion and excitement and politeness that confuses even yourself. “Good things I hope.”
He tilts his head playfully. “Only the best things you can hear in place like this.”
The three of you share smiles, the interaction then turning into a conversation promoted by a question you ask, both from wanting to have something to say and out of curiosity. Johnny does most of the talking, explaining how he and Jaehyun had been friends for a while but only got closer now that they are attending the same university. They share a story of something that happened, them buying each other the same thing for christmas and you listen to the whole thing entranced.
It’s weird in some way how you can learn so much from your own soulmate from someone else. And it's weird how you react with joy, perhaps, to the teasing Johnny does to Jaehyun so naturally.
When the conversation settles down, Johnny looks between the two of you for a few seconds before he’s excusing himself to find an unnamed person. It was predictable he would do that, with the way he kept aiming the conversation to make it about Jaehyun, as if he somehow had to wing his friend to you.
You stare at your shoes, unsure of what to say now and maybe too worn out from the whole night to come up with something to talk about. But you don’t have to, because soon he’s asking “Are you here alone?”
You look up, a tiny smile on your lips. “No, I came with my roommate. But she's with her friends.”
“Oh, I’ll keep you company then.” He offers and you nod, following him to the bar where it's more illuminated and you can both lean a little on the counter.
Jaehyun is good at making people feel comfortable, you had noticed that many times before and it's no surprise when he asks you about your roommate, about what songs you have been listening to lately. He tries to keep a conversation with ease, even if it stays in the usual surface you two are used to.
If you weren't so distracted by everything, your mind would probably offer that it feels a lot like when you were kids and standing in the corner of a ballroom in uncomfortable clothes, talking about things that didn't matter.
“Have you ever been to Amsterdam?” You ask him suddenly when the past topic dies down.
“Yeah, it's really nice there.”
You hum, remembering your roommate's words. “That’s cool, I really want to go there someday.”
Out of nowhere he starts laughing a little, as if you had said something funny. When you inquire about it, he shakes his head clearly amused by the way his eyes squint a little from his smile. “It's just… Don’t you think it's weird that we have known each other for all these years, and all we do is do this weird small talk?”
You laugh too, speaking before you can stop yourself. “And still for some reason I feel like I know you.”
His eyebrows raise for a second but his smile is unfaltering, your statement not bothering him. “You know me.” He says, as a matter of fact. “And I know you.”
Now this makes you freeze, blinking slowly but it doesn't last long until you are covering your surprise by chuckling. Your eyes meet his and it strikes you that it's true, you know him and he knows you. Not everything, but what would be the fun in that.
Maybe that's why the two of you kept doing this small talk, to get to know each other better even in the smallest things. That's what getting to know someone is, after all. Not the business interviews and networking you grew up with.
You shake your thoughts away, leaning on the counter with one elbow and then resting your face on your palm. “What is your favorite thing about me then?” It's what you ask, in a playful tone to keep the conversation going. Or because you actually want to know, out of curiosity or vanity.
He chuckles, bringing his hand to his face as if in deep thought, before he replies. “I like that you are smart.”
The simplicity of it makes you snort. “Please, that's a cliche thing to say in a place like this.” You say, mimicking the words his friend had said to you earlier. “What does that even mean?”
“I don't know.” He shrugs while laughing, “Johnny just says things like that sometimes.”
You nod then, making an amused sound while you turn on the counter to stare forward. Your roommate is on the opposite side of yours, leaning against a wall while talking to a girl taller than her but just as pretty. The view makes a tiny smile settle on your lips, the beginning of a spark on your chest.
It always amazed you how people who didn't know their soulmate yet continued to live on, simply letting the universe do its thing naturally. In your young mind you had always thought that love was supposed to be a yearning that you couldn't control, that you would have to be with the person you love no matter what, and do anything to find them. That had changed now.
You turn to Jaehyun again. “What would you say is your favorite thing about me then, if we didn't know each other already?” You ask. It's a weird question because it makes him raise one eyebrow at you, but there's still not a trace of annoyance on his face.
“Isn't that also cliche to say?” He huffs. “That you are the prettiest girl I have ever seen?”
You can't help the embarrassed laugh that leaves your parted lips in shock. “Are you flirting with me?”
His ear gets an incredible red shade and you find it extremely charming. “It's just the truth.” He defends himself and it only makes you giggle more.
You thank him, tell him that you think he’s pretty too and correct it to handsome when he raises one eyebrow again. It makes a nice atmosphere settle and you feel comfortable enough to ask “So... if we didn't know each other you would flirt with me at a random party? Buy me a drink and all that?”
He smiles, dimples showing while he brushes his hair back. It's not the first time, of course, but you find yourself a little in awe at how pretty he actually is. Pretty in a way that makes you feel a little out of it, stunned by the way his lips start forming his next words.
“What do you like to drink?” He asks casually.
Now it's your turn to raise one eyebrow. “Hmm, I like Moscow Mules.”
You watch as he turns to the bar, calling the waiter over and ordering two drinks of your said preference. The mixture of feelings on your chest make you feel drunker than you did before and you wish you could put a name to it. Excitement, amusement, whatever it is only increases when he looks at you again.
“I’m Jung Jaehyun, by the way.” He offers, smiling sweetly and you match it when you realize what he's playing at
“I’m _____. It's nice to meet you.”
⋄
Playing pretend with him is easy, even more when the drinks make your inhibitions fall completely. Jaehyun tells a joke and you lean forward a little. Then you talk about something and he comes closer as if to hear better. Another drink and plenty of silly conversation later, he's completely invading your space in a way that you don't feel slightly bothered by.
Not even when leans to whisper in your ear. “Do you want to get out of here?”
You leave the bar giggling like the two mildly drunk people you are, basking in the joy of it and of the little fantasy you two have created. Jaehyun keeps you close, your hands linked and it's such a nice feeling that you get even more overwhelmed in a good way. The two of you walk almost glued to each other basically skipping and muttering playfully things just to say something.
When you are near the dorm complex, he stops abruptly and when you turn to him, his hands find your cheeks and his eyes search yours for a brief moment before he’s bringing your face closer to his.
It's a sweet kiss, contrary to what you thought it would be when you allowed yourself to think about this. You had always imagined desperation, not being able to endure not doing it anymore. But the reality is that Jaehyun kisses you with delicacy and even if there is desperation to it, it's not in a way that overpowers anything else. But in a way that makes you moan lowly, makes you press him even closer by grabbing his shirt as he moves his lips slowly against yours.
There are no fireworks, no deep realization that you are kissing the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life. But it's good, makes you want more, makes you want to bring him closer than possible, and maybe that's proof enough.
You reach his dorm in a blink after that, him having a bit of a hard time opening the door but when he does it takes no time for you to be pressed to it.
For a moment he just looks at you, eyes hazy and shining. They run through your face the same way yours does his, with longing that is finally allowed. You try to quiet the way your heart beats by leaning forward and kissing him.
The kiss is hungry but never too fast, with his hands moving to your hips and you pulling on his lips. When you moan a little at the feel, he opens his mouth a little, sliding his tongue against yours and you swear at yourself for waiting so long. Swear that you will never get enough of this.
Your lips move together in a way that is proof enough to you that this is something else even in your drunk state. His lips are soft, tongue moving with yours as if he wants to take his time and when your hands move from his shoulders to his neck he shudders, parting from you with a wet sound.
“W-We should...” He murmurs against your lip and you nod before he even finishes, letting him lead you to his bed. It feels a lot like yours, and the rest of the room is just as familiar but you pay no attention to that when he lays you on it gently.
It’s no surprise that Jaehyun is a giving lover and you figure that out when he kisses you like he wants to find out exactly what you like. Exactly how to make you fall apart in his hands.
He does everything with an expertise that maybe should make you feel jealous, but out of all things you are, a hypocrite is not one of them. So he shows you what he has learn from other people, and you show him what you have
And he doesn't settle for anything less than kissing all over your body after the two of you get undressed. For less than telling you in whispered words that he has dreamed about this before so many times and immediately swallowing with his tongue the words you would never be able to let out.
That you had dreamed about this too. Dreamed about coming on his tongue as he eats you out, your hands grabbing at his hair and seeing stars. A giving lover, of the best kind, Even more when he asks, with his mouth shining with your arousal. “How do you want it?”
You blink as your mind spins with the endless possibilities, but the ultimate realization that you would have him any way. You decide on the one that gives you more control. “I… I want to ride you.”
He bites his lips, ears burning red again. “Yeah,” His words come out mumbles as he just looks at you for a second before moving to lay on his back. “Yeah, ok. Fuck.”
You straddle his hips after he rolls down the condom, his eyes looking up at you in what you think is adoration, pure desire. And then you kiss him again, all tongue but still slow. So deep that you think you’ll never forget what he tastes like.
He lets you sink down at your own pace, palms on your ass when you move slowly, feeling him stretch you with every inch you sit on. He hums, hands tracing your skin delicately and it only makes it so much worse.
You move, a grind at first testing the water and immediately crying out lowly from the friction and you look for support with nails grabbing at his chest. He doesn't seem to mind.
“Good?” A stupid question to ask with the way you are so wet around him that the room is filled with a squelching sound when you move up and down with all the patience in the world.
Still, you nod. “You feel - Fuck - really good.”
He looks down at where you’re connected, biting his lips to suppress the noises you want him to let out so you move your hips with purpose, eyes roaming his face to watch it contort in pleasure as he lets out the prettiest moan you have ever heard. Low and deep.
His hands move further down then, gripping your hips and moving you in a grind that feels too good. So good that you have to drop your arms to his chest for leverage as he moves you to his liking, pushing your hips back and forth.
You come with your back arching, long moan of his name as your entire body shakes and tingles and you have to grip at the sheets beside you for support. You try to keep moving as your orgasm washes over you but its too much and your walls clenching around his cock makes him grip your ass even tighter, the action sending a thrill down your body as you fall forward on his chest with a wail.
Your mind swims in the gooey feeling of pleasure and all you can think about is him. Jaehyun, Jaehyun, Jaehyun.
He waits for a second, hand moving to your back as your body trembles, drawing calming circles on it. When you have calmed down, he plants his feet on the bed and starts moving his hips up slowly and patiently but with deep strokes that make you bite your lip with oversensitivity.
And when you can, you move your head up, balancing yourself on your arms and looking at him. He wastes no time in kissing you, not deep because he parts his lips in a groan during a particular stroke, speeding his movements and grunting when you try to meet them back.
It’s when he has had enough, that he pulls out only to turn you on your back so he can enter you more easily, his hips now meeting yours in a pace that tells you that he’s close.
“Jae, oh… oh my god.” You sigh dreamily yet broken enough that it makes him smile when a sharp thrust makes your hips raise a little. He looks proud of being able to get you like this.
He hums as if agreeing with a very thorough statement, moving his arms so he can press his chest to yours as he fucks into you with calculated thrusts . You can barely move with his weight on top of you, with how he seems to lock you in place with his hips and it’s enough for another broken sob to fall from your lips.
“Deep?” He asks in a groan and with a nice slide of his cock inside of you to punctuate the question. You nod frantically because he’s as deep as he can get, knows this very well, and the feeling is something that makes you flutter around him in the desperate need to come.
He kisses your cheek then, two sweet but filthy enough with his heavy exhales against it. His pace never gets too fast, just hinting at it but he maintains a speed that leaves you in the brink of another orgasm. But, you only reach it when he pinches your clit with his fingers, circling it until your lips part in a silent scream and you’re coming again, stars behind your eyelids.
And the sounds he makes when your walls squeeze just a little more than he can handle are something else. A deep groan and a pained little sob that you find extremely endearing and hot at the same time, his face contorting as he quickened his pace just enough to push him over the edge, finally releasing inside the condom.
He pulls out, breath heavy as he smiles at you falling putty on the bed and watching as he removes the condom and disposes it only to come quickly to the bed quickly.
He hovers over you, kissing you sweetly. Your arms find his shoulders easily as the two of you bask in the afterglow of it.
Then he kisses you again, tongues dancing together and you don’t mind when his hand starts to wander again, sending goosebumps to your body. His fingers find your clit with ease, circling it slowly before applying more pressure as your lips part and your hand grip his arm, for support and not to cut the actions.
You come again, not as strong as your first one but still enough to have you shaking a little and screaming silently. His finger stays at your clit, hovering until he asks again in a whisper. “Another?”
You nod, and he resumes his actions slowly, until you are seeing starts and he swallows your moans with kisses and stops your trembling with soft hands grounding you.
When you recover your breath, an incredulous laughter leaves your lips. “You’re insane.” He just smiles, nose brushing against yours. “God, I...I gotta clean up now.”
He moves to get up. “Yeah sure, I’ll show you the bathroom.”
You end up cleaning together, a shower that doesn't take you long, even if it's hard to keep your hands to yourselves but you are both tired, feeling a little drained after the glow has gone away.
⋄
Afterwards, you are laying on his bed side by side, surrounded by the smell of his body wash and wearing the big t-shirt and sweatpants he offered you.
Your mind starts wandering lazily with the remnants of your high, that's why the words escape your mouth without much thought. “Isn't it weird that even if we have someone in the world meant for us we can still feel lonely?” You are not lonely right now, not really. Maybe it's just the sadness of winter speaking, or maybe you're still a little drunk.
He takes a second to reply, voice low when he does. “Yeah. But you don't have to.” He says.“ Feel lonely, I mean. You don't have to.”
It's a little funny how he feels the need to explain himself to you, as if you don't quite understand him when the reality it's both very far from that and exactly it at the same time.
“I don't think thats how it works. It's not up to me.” If it was, wouldn't you have stopped being lonely by now? Wouldn't you have finally succumbed to the desperate need of wanting someone, something, when late night hit and the mark in your arm would burn just as your eyes as you fought back tears?
Still, he says simply. “I think it is.”
You smile sadly then, turning to him a little and watching as he kept his gaze on the ceiling. He looked relaxed, as if this setting was soothing his mind and it makes a familiar feeling blossom on your chest. “What did you feel when the mark showed up on your arm?” A question that you had wanted to ask the moment you found out it was him, but instead had failed miserably to guess the answer to.
“Relief.” He says without thinking, a truthful and genuine reply.
“That you wouldn't have to end up marrying someone that wasn't your soulmate?” You ask. All these years you had thought that this must've been it, what you felt that day.
“No. I was relieved that it was you anyway.” Is his reply, body turning and eyes meeting yours. For a second you’re frozen, blinking because it’s strange to have someone put their feelings out so easily.
“Is… Is that what love is, then?” You ask softly. “Relief that you have at least one person that makes you feel held?”
Maybe this is not really what he meant, and more so wishful thinking of your part than anything else, but still he nods.
“I think it’s that. And other things.” His voice is soft when he says this. “I'm not sure what it is, but I want to find out.”
You can’t help as you examine his face after his confession. Is this what being soulmates is, then? Having someone that it's worth taking the risk of finding out? Or maybe it’s having someone that will show you exactly what it is.
Does all that explain the way you can't look away from him?
“Me neither.” You reply in the same quiet voice because it’s true. You tend to act like you know everything, and that you know what love is. You know love it’s pathetic and that it gets in the way of things, but is it really that bad? So you ask “Is it bad that I think you'll only love me because the mark on your arm tells you to?”
He laughs briefly. “No, it makes sense.” His eyes find yours again. “But you know it’s not, don't you?”
“I do.” At least you do now.
Maybe that's why you fall asleep so easily
⋄
2014
(flashback)
It’s the last day before summer break and Jaehyun is tired.
The other four guys he shared a room with are all packing their things for a nice vacation somewhere in Europe or one of the paradisiac beaches they all like to talk about. Jaehyun just wants to get home, not think about college applications for two months and maybe go somewhere he can be alone for a while.
“Sooyoung is kinda hot, huh?” Yugyeom says out of nowhere and the room settles in a unison hum of agreement. He joins in too.
There’s a loud creak noise as another one of his roommates slumps into the bed but he doesn't bother checking who it is, mind somewhere else as he stares at the ceiling.
“True. But I would die if Ela gave me her number.” Jungkook sighs dreamily and Jaehyun can't help the snort that escapes his lips. Just yesterday they had a conversation exactly like this one, but not quite as innocent. Trust a group of men that have no idea who their roommates are to act like this.
Even though Doyoung, the only one of them that already knew, still acted the same when it came to this. His soulmate isn't someone he knew already, so what was the point in waiting. That's why he asks the next question. “Jaehyun, you know ___, right? Does she stick to the whole ‘waiting’ thing?”
Jaehyun blinks, shifts almost unnoticeable. “I don't know her like that.” Is what he says, which is a half true. He knows her, probably things no one else knows but that’s what happens when you grow up in the same circles, he guesses. Right now though, he feels like he doesn’t know her anymore, not with the distance she had put between them after the wedding was announced by your parents.
Then, he starts thinking about himself. Is he waiting for his soulmate? He has kissed some girls, but it never went beyond that. But now he remembers coming home from german class one day and his mother making soft cake as she told him about the name that would appear on his wrist.
He remembers that he had said loudly that he wished ____ would be his name, because then they could be better friends for some reason as silly as playing around together.
Sicheng interrupts his thoughts by snorting loudly. “Are you really trying to hit?” He asks Doyoung. “Gonna end up in the cover of a magazine for trying to corrupt the nation’s good girl.”
The room erupts in laughter and comments after that. He drowns it with his mind going somewhere else.
That night he dreams about her.
⋄
10, FEBRUARY 2018
Winter break goes by quickly with one too many end of the year celebration and wishing people you had never seen before a happy new year.
You spend your days fulfilling your internship at the company you would one day own, following around the superiors for the Marketing team and playing nice when they try to flatter you.
So busy that you can barely think about it, but you still do. You think about him so often that you think you have lost your mind. And you see Jung Jaehyun too, here and there at parties, between whiskey glasses, tuxedos and unspoken words. Because, as you always thought, keeping it all unsaid is easier. At least for now.
Perhaps he knows it all, in a different way than you. So the two of you kept it lowkey, for the duration of those two months that are now gone with the wind. Two months of not a single magazine spread on your escapades, or you parents mentioning anything that is out of the ordinary.
It's as if the two of you have a secret, that some may assume, but still don't know for sure. What you and Jaehyun did that night is kept inside a locked box, one that you share with him and that every moment until now seems to fit in. What you don't know is if he too keeps the box as sacred as you do.
What you don't know is if the thought of it being opened by prying eyes scares him too.
Being back to campus is, ironically, a breath of fresh air. No more business meetings disguised as family celebrations, or stupid networking, or smiling for a camera to say that the company has never been better. No more internship and lack of time for something else.
February comes and it's just you, your dorm bed and the roommate you will miss when it's time. Just the lectures and keeping busy and trying not to think about things only to fail miserably.
But then, there are the phone calls, never ending and always the same. Or almost always.
The phone lights up, stupid ringtone, and your heart starts beating a little faster. How could someone ever guess what a phone call is about? Not having control made you antsy.
Your mother greets you as always, stern words, asking how you have been out of politeness. You spend the entire phone call waiting for her to just say what she wants to already.
She mentions being busy, good opportunities, of an article you should read and something that sounds like a threat if you let yourself slip and get a scandal, even though she has said all this not long ago after gifting you another piece of jewelry you’ll keep stored deep in your drawer.
At least this time it doesn't take long for her to finally say what she wants. “Jaehyun’s birthday is soon. Don't forget to greet him.”
“I won't.” You reply simply but she’s quick to cut you off.
“Publicly. Maybe sending flowers would be good, or buying something that can get attention from the press.” It’s obvious this is not about you and your soulmate, it’s about you and your future. As everything is.
“Ok.”
“Just because he's your soulmate doesn't mean people will connect you two together forever.” She continues, never knowing when to stop. “You have to remind them of that.”
“I know that.” Because you do. There was no guarantee that your marriage with Jaehyun would be good publicity if the two of you weren’t liked or even popular.
You fear that when the time comes, people will realize something you yourself already has. That maybe you don’t really deserve Jaehyun, not because he’s better than you, but because you are not sure you can give him the love he deserves.
What you don't know clearly yet, is that you’re selfish and want him anyway.
“Good.” Your mother says and then the line cuts.
One time a therapist told you that maybe your mother was jealous. Because you would get to experience something she didn't, being with your soulmate, and that it was normal. It didn't mean she was evil and hated you. Another one said that that was the reason she was so stern, she wanted to keep you in line to prevent you from failure so as to not hurt you. That, behind the lack of affection, was a wish for your happiness.
Maybe there will be a time you understand that plenty. Maybe some things can never be truly fixed, only forgotten.
Four days days after that, you text Jaehyun a simple happy birthday with a heart at the end of it. You also get a chocolate cake sent to his place from a bakery you like, and when he calls to thank you, you tell him to not post it anywhere.
He laughs and tells you that it's a good idea.
⋄
2007
(flashback)
It was another late afternoon party, for another thing that you couldn’t remember or care about because things like this shouldn't really matter when you are only ten years old. Still, you had watched the other kids play with each other as their parents talked business and laughed, drunk from the bubbly drinks they downed glass after glass of.
For a moment you felt like reaching out and playing with them too, but it died soon and you stayed unmoving on the chair you had been placed in, while your parents did the same as the others somewhere in the distance.
It had been a pretty day, you remember, the sun was about to set and it made the shiny fabric on the tablecloths that were spread around the individual tables set outside, sparkle just the tiniest bit. You played with it to have something to distract yourself with.
You remember too, that Jung Jaehyun and his family were at the table right in front of yours, your parents greeting each other and talking briefly. Later on the party you had watched as he listened to something his mother said to him. She was beautiful, like your own mother, and you had heard her voice before so it had been easy to imagine in what tone she was speaking. Soft and low, how warmth felt like. As to the content of her words you would never know, but it had clearly been something nice because it made her son laugh as she patted his head.
You didn’t know back then that this moment would stick with you for the years to come, for a reason that at ten years old you were just beginning to understand. But still, the weird twist in your stomach, as you started to realize that something was wrong, would be felt many more times. As you realized that your family dynamics were not as warm as the others appeared to be.
⋄
25, FEBRUARY 2018
What you and Jaehyun have turns into something hard to describe.
The line you had so clearly put between the two of you, to avoid your future, had been replaced now by acceptance and the weird feeling of navigating a relationship that It’s still a new thing, but it’s also nice enough. Especially when he sends you a silly text and jokes about something, later on commenting the same thing on one of your instagram posts. It makes you feel giddy, that you have a shared secret.
Even more when he gives you a small knowing smile across the table while your father is non stop talking about the new model the company is about to release.
It’s a small dinner to celebrate Jaehyun’s birthday, or at least as small it can be in a restaurant like this, where the waiter will look you up and down if you are not wearing your prettiest silk dress and stiletto heels.
The whole thing had been rescheduled twice, because of busy schedules and whatnot, and now that both your parents had been able to fly here, you all sit underneath lowlights and drink expensive wine that is accompanied by a conversation that is so boring that you have trouble keeping up with it.
He finds you on the rooftop, hair blowing a little as he walks to you and in the back of your mind you think it’s a crime that he looks this good in a suit. That’s probably all the wine you had talking.
“Sorry I left you alone there.” You mutter with a sympathetic smile thrown his way when he reaches you, but you both know you are not sorry at all for escaping the stupid conversation your parents were having.
He chuckles. “You leaving was just a reason for me to escape too.”
The two of you turn to look at the city, the illuminated buildings looking minuscule from here but the tiny lights from each of them make for a breathtaking view. Jaehyun stands so close to you that your arms touch. You don’t mind.
“Looking at the city like that makes me feel really small.” You whisper, without really thinking.
“That’s because we are.” You hear his voice clearly, warm like honey and you don’t try to help the smile that forms in your lips.
“How do you do it?” The question makes him look at you, raising one eyebrow. “I mean, you always sound like you got it all figured out. While I just say the most random stuff because I don’t know who I am.”
You know you are the heritage left to you, the face of your father's company, a good student, smart. One of the few socialites that have never stepped a foot out of line, according to the magazines. But take all that and what’s left?
“I don't.” He says simply, “I’m just good at pretending, like you are.”
That makes you laugh. “Good to know we are both good at playing our roles.” You say, as a joke, because you are sure the two of you are beyond the acting now.
And It’s always funny to you how the masks the both of you put on fall completely when you are alone. That’s what it means to be friends, you had realized, and that’s what you decide to call your relationship for now. Friends, from a long time, that happened to be tied together for other reasons.
And Jaehyun is a friend that sometimes makes you feel like you deserve the love you crave.
“Hey. You are ____.” He says after a second, for good measure. “That's enough, you don't have to be anything else.”
“Is it enough for you?” You ask without really thinking.
He smiles, dimples showing and your heart grows warmer. “Yeah, and we can figure it out together. Who we are and all that.”
You share a smile, both staring forward at the view and shivering a little from the night wind.
“I’m sorry for getting you into these deep conversations.”
He laughs deeply at that, with his whole body. “It’s good, don’t worry. I want you to trust me, even if you won't let me get to know you.” And you do, you want to desperately trust him and let him in. ”Because you are scared I can't handle your daddy issues or something.”
A scoff mixed with laughter leaves your lips. It’s been a long time since you were able to joke about this with someone. “It’s mommy issues, please get it right.”
He turns to you with a silly smile on his lips. “Is it because she made you take those piano classes?” He jokes and you laugh before tilting your head.
“Wait, how did you know I played the piano?” That was ages ago, finally a hobby that you enjoyed amongst the numerous other classes your mother had enrolled you in. You played it for a long time before you stopped completely for whatever reason.
“You told me, when we had to introduce ourselves and talk about things we liked in german class.” He explains. “You said you liked it, even though your mother forced you to go.”
You turn to him now as it strikes you that Jung Jaehyun remembered you from his childhood the same way you remembered him. Not the same things, but still memories. The thought is so comforting that you can’t hold the way your cheeks move up in a smile.
“What about you?” You question. “What things did you say you liked?”
“Hmm, I don't really remember.” Is what he says with a shrug.
You two share a look, perhaps meaningful but maybe that's the wine making you feel on cloud 9 under his gaze. “What do you like now?”
He chuckles as if your interest is amusing. “I like… music, getting coffee with friends. That kind of thing.”
“Not cars?” You joke, making him laugh. You decide then that you like making him do it.
“I mean, a little.” He replies playfully, and it’s very easy to be comfortable like this.
It’s good to know after all this time Jaehyun was like you, even if you felt alone in the world sometimes. That’s what a soulmate must be after all, not the missing piece to make you whole but someone that makes you realize exactly that you don't have to be.
“We should get coffee together sometime.” You offer after some time, a gentle smile being shared between you two in laziness, at the thought of soon having to return to the restaurant and popping out of the bubble you have started creating for yourself.
“We should.” He says, and the bubble stays afloat a little longer.
⋄
JULY 2019
It’s another charity Gala, with sparkly lights, champagne, fake smiles and a dress too tight. Everything is the way it always had been, except for you.
And Jaehyun, whose hand stays on your waist as he guides you through a slow song. He had wanted to dance, said he always thought it was nice when lovers did it in movies.
Lovers. The mere use of the word had made your heart somersault in your chest, but you kept it down. Instead, you move with him with soft smiles adorning both of your faces.
Your hand finds his cheeks. Nothing could describe the look you give him in the light but pure admiration. And you don’t care if anyone sees it, you don’t care if it ends up in a magazine spread. Because even if everybody knew about it, this is yours.
The way he brings his hand on top of yours, and how his eyes match the exact look on yours. Every little detail about it makes you know that this right here belongs to the two of you and nothing can change it.
“Jaehyun?” Your voice is low, almost inaudible underneath the music and conversation echoing through the ballroom. “I don't want to be here anymore.”
His eyebrows raise at your confession, steps faltering for a second as he loses the rhythm “What? We can leave right now if you want.” He offers. “I came with my own car, so we can-“
Your soft laughter interrupts his words. “No, I don't mean right now.” You explain, swallowing around your next words. “I meant.. I don't want to keep playing a role, I want to go somewhere with you where no one knows us.”
A smile grows on his lips, one that tells you that he understands exactly what you mean. And you don’t have to guess anymore, there are no more maybes. You know.
“Okay, we can do that.”
He pulls you closer, dance now long forgotten as you just move in complete muscle memory.
“I want to find out.” You confess in a whisper. A secret between the two of you that no one else would ever know. “I want to go somewhere with you and find out.”
You wonder if he already found the answer to it, to what love is. But you also don't need to know right now, because you will know when you have to. Either way you want to find out and it's not for you to guess.
He smiles genuinely at you, with his dimples showing, like he always smiles at you.
You smile back, heart aching from something that can only be only be explained by years of shared stories, and in your mind, deeper connections that go beyond what everything and everyone inside this ballroom would understand.
You smile back, in the exact way you have always smiled at him.
⋄
APRIL 2020
A ray of sun peeks from the half closed curtains and set right above your eyes, getting you to wake up lazily and slowly. It takes you a while to come to it, the sheets on the bed just now starting to feel truly familiar with the warmth left on the bed, from someone that had probably gotten up just a little before from you.
You blink once and twice before your eyes are completely open, vision still unfocused but it slowly comes back as you stare at the bedside table. A lip balm is the first thing you see, then your phone and lastly a picture framed of you and Jaehyun hugging in front of the sunflower field at the Van Gogh museum. He’s laughing, at something said by the kind fellow tourist that had offered to take your picture, and you have the beginning of a smile on your own lips. One that you mimic perfectly now as you remember that day.
Your thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the door opening and Jaehyun walks in the bedroom, holding a bowl. His eyes are still drowsy and his hair a mess but you think he looks right at home. Because he is.
“Morning, baby.” His voice is low and raspy, but enough to make you melt even more on the sheets.
“Good morning.” The smile settles fully on your lips now.
He sits on the bed next to you then, almost drowning inside his large t-shirt and hair plopping cutely when he tries moving even closer to place the bowl with sliced fruits on your lap. “We gotta add apples to the shopping list.” Is all he says and you nod while picking a slice of melon and chewing it leisurely as you bask on the hazy feeling of still being half asleep
Jaehyun stays by your side, head weirdly pressed to your chest, and asking silently for you to feed him apple slices every now and then with just his mouth opening.
Your mind wanders as you eat and then you’re having one of those moments where realization dawns on you finally. A silly small thing that makes you smile and your chest grow warm. “Jaehyun?” You call out softly, fighting back the bubble of happiness that forms on your chest because old habits are hard to die.
“Hmm?” He looks up at you, eyes blinking at you in the same way he always does, but this time it makes you want to cry a little bit.
You lean down, press a quick peck to his lips that make you both smile and then the words are out of your mouth.
“This is what love is.”
#here she is!#cant wait to hear what you guys think about it#works#commission#neowritingsnet#nct smut#nct scenarios#jaehyun scenarios#jaehyun smut#jaehyun scenario
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