#have the money that the fafsa told me we did. but it was literally just fucking wrong and everything is okay

[arthur-r]

i have the most insane fucking news

#fafsa got reprocessed they gave me a pell grant and my college saw that and gave me 20 fucking thousand dollars of grants #i’m in a special club now too with a special name for Scholars with Exceptional Financial Need #i fucking THOUGHT so. was terrifying when they gave me zero dollars and i am so glad it was a mistake #anyway i told my teacher this and he says it’s cause i manifested it…. #i would say that my anxiety around the matter was not the kind of energy that brings in good things. but maybe i was secretly being positive #idk shdhdf it did arrive like five seconds after i decided i should commit anyway and figure out how to make it work #so then the universe said oh you’re actually gonna do it?? maybe i’ll save you from the hundred thousand dollars of debt actually #maybe college can be actually a possibility for you without ruining your life forever #so anyway everything is freaking incredible now and everything is okay #and i needed this. cause things have been getting worse and worse at home so like. positive news from an outside source is very much needed #i fucking knew i qualified for a pell grant and financial assistance i felt like i was being gaslit #they literally just miscalculated my family contribution. thought my dad must be funneling his income into something illegal cause we do not #have the money that the fafsa told me we did. but it was literally just fucking wrong and everything is okay #and my dad came into my room crying a couple days ago saying he wants to do everything he can to help me with my loans as soon as he’s done #with paying off his own or once they get forgave in a couple years. so arthur supportive father arc i guess. SHDHDHDF #that graph benji made about my dad getting less transphobic over time it’s coming true. guy put prefer not to answer in the gender section #of a form and he HOVERED OVER THE TRANS BUTTON. that’s insane coming from having screamed at each other about trans issues since before i #even knew that i was trans my dad and i had gotten in screaming debates about queerness and now he keeps saying weird stuff about how he #wants my life to be good. which is fucking baseline father behavior that’s what you’re supposed to get out of a dad but like. i have always #felt like i’m either drenched in expectations or that he just can’t wait for me to leave. so this is really good progress. and with the #financial aid that means that he’s actually going to be able to help. do you understand what this means my dad can help pay off my couple #thousand dollars of loans that are gonna be left over (cause now that they noticed i need aid it’s so fucking cheap) and do you fucking know #do you know what this means. i’m sorry for swearing i don’t know why i am. but what this means is. i won’t be in thousands of dollars of #debt when i graduate or i will be but the monthly payment will be so low and. i can get fucking top surgery is what this means. and go on t #i thought i was gonna be in so much debt that i couldn’t. but its gonna be like. a couple thousand dollars a year something insane like that #so foreseeably i could be getting top surgery by the time i’m 24. that’s insane i can’t even imagine #so anyway. just. everything is going to be okay and there’s actually hope in the world and i’m going insane #obviously saying this can very easily jinx me to literally never ever be happy. but i’m gonna take the manifesting route actually shdhdhf #my life will be So Good Forever. i Believe This Wholeheartedly. Good Things Will Come To Me #anyway i’m gonna run out of tags in a couple seconds but i really needed this you have no idea. i hope everybody is doing well

[chicken2potato]

9/29/23

Don't get me wrong, I love Mk. I really do. But sometimes man... she just kind of makes me hate myself a little.

The day that I applied, I had gone over to her apartment that night. I was so excited. I always knew that after leaving CBC that I would want to go back some day. I don't want to be stagnant and stay at Sam's Club for the rest of my life. I want to grow and help people. I was so excited. After I applied, Bailey and Hana cheered with me and gave me high fives. Even baby James gave me a high five and then the cutest fist bump ever. They were happy for me and excited along with me.

But not mk...

I sat down on her couch and excitedly asked her to guess what I did. She asked what? I said "I applied to college!!". She just snickered and said "With what money?"....

Ow...

Instead of being happy. Instead of being proud of me. Instead of being a good friend. She was a pessimist. She was already being a downer and not believing in me. That really hurt...

So many people don't understand the fucking strength and balls it took to get away from CBC. I was in a fucking cult. I was brainwashed. Like I literally ruined so many fucking relationships for that religion because I really thought I was doing what I was supposed to. Both in high school and in college. I have some relationships that will never be the same because of my position in the church.

So I was fucking emotionally exhausted, more than ever, once I left. I knew in the back of my mind that one day I would go back to college and get better and do better. I just needed time to figure out what I believed and to rest from being so burnt out.

And now I feel like is time. I've had over a year or so to live and do and breath how I want. I don't feel exhausted nearly as much and I finally have a ferver back to do more.

And she just said "with what money?". Like... girl there's grants and scholarships and FAFSA... why is that your first fucking thought? Why would you say that? Why not "oh my god, I'm proud of you", or "awesome, when are you starting", or "oh that's awesome, I'm sure you'll do great"???

And she does this all the time with any big life thing that happens to me.

Last year, when John and I were talking, we had been talking for almost three months when she mentioned her Halloween party. I had talked to him for a bit now and things were kind of looking like they were going into a relationship. I had asked her if I could invite him to the party. I wanted my friends to meet the guy that I had really liked and really wanted them to get along and such. And she said, "I mean, I guess, if you guys are still together by then."

Like, girl what???

I'm not the type of person to just jump from fucking guy to guy. Before John, my last boyfriend was FIVE YEARS before that. Like what do you mean?? She said some other things too that made it seem like I'd be onto a new guy next month. Like girl??? I don't give my fucking heart out like that. Five years!! Since I've even told a guy that I've liked him. And you're making it sound like I'm a fucking pussy play or something.

Even after John, there was Rowan, and then Nate. And I don't really count Rowan. Not because I didn't like him this time around or any dumb shit like that. But because I had loved him still, ever since high school. To me, that wasn't new. But Nate was. So in the last 6 years, I've liked two other guys. And I've only had two boyfriends. And even with girls, there's been a few flirty flings here and there but like... I'm not a hoe??

She just makes me feel like she thinks I'm ruining my life all the time. And it makes me sad. When things ended with Rowan this last time, she really made me feel like shit...

When Row and I started talking at the beginning of this year, I just knew something was going to happen and a part of me knew that if we had dated, it probably wouldn't last long. And after he broke up with me in May, I knew I didn't want to tell Mk.. she would have made me feel like shit..

When we got back together later on, I knew it was going to be longer, but I still didn't feel like he was going to stay that long. That night, after the letter, when I went over to his place, I knew we weren't going to last. I can't tell you how I knew, I just did... so, the next morning when I woke up before him, I decided to myself, that no matter what, no matter how long the relationship was going to last or not last, no matter what was going to happen, I wasn't going to enter into this with a naive heart. I wasn't going to enter into it thinking we were going to last forever. I wanted us to. I really loved him. But sitting there and looking at him, knowing him, knowing how he had left before, I knew it was only a matter of time before he left again. But I told myself during this time together I was going to love him and cherish him and be everything I possibly could for him while I had the chance.

A week or so after he broke up with me, I was sitting in the car with Mk talking about Dy and her new man and stuff and how she's just kinda making bad decisions. Mk said "You know I hate to say it, but I'm getting tired of saying 'i told you so' to everyone. To Dy, and James, and Will, and I hate to say it, but to you, too." I told her to hold the fuck up. She was trying to fucking say that she "told me so" with the whole Rowan situation. Bitch????? I didn't even tell you we were dating until like TWO WEEKS after we started. Girl.. and like I said earlier, I wasn't going into this thinking it was going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I knew eventually he would leave again, but I was going to enjoy it while it lasted. I told her like you can not tell me you told me so because I knew from the beginning and I didn't go into it thinking he was going to be changed. I was so fucking pissed.

Why does she act so fucking entitled and indignant? Why does she think she's better at making decisions about my life than I am?? It's just so infuriating how she treats me like a fucking child sometimes. Like she doesn't even know me. I have so much I want to accomplish and do. And going to college is the first thing. I have so many aspirations and it's like whenever I tell her them she just shoots me down with doubts and what ifs and koda you can't do that. Fuck her, man. Fuck. That's so mean to do to your best friend.

There is so much I want to do. I want to go to college. I want to go into the Air Force. I want to do the Peace Corps. I want to impact others and live a meaningful life.

I want to mean something to others, too...

Nate.

I thought he was so awesome...

It's kinda ironic. The night before things happened with us, I told him about how my ex left me so many times for other girls and how it impacted me because I truly thought I was going to marry him. And Nate was like "oh, you don't deserve that you're amazing" blah blah blah. And then dude fucking went and left me for his fucking ex. Foreshadowing much?

He had told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and then like four days later his ex girlfriend posted a picture of them together on his Snapchat..... after he had told me he couldn't go see her. After he had told me he was done with her. After he had told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. And then fucking told me he was talking to her again and trying to work things out.. Only to come over the next day to help me with my Xbox and proceed to fucking make out with me and put his hands down my spandex. Like bro??? I was so dumbfounded when he kissed me. Like didn't you just tell me you were trying to fix things with your ex???

AND THEN

This boy starts putting waters in the fridge at work for me.. AS IF THATLL HELP

Like sir. Wake the fuck up. You fucked me over. You lied to me. You think putting waters in a fridge a couple times a week is going to just like smooth it over?? And then he told Meghan that he liked me as a friend. Funny cuz just a week before he was making out with me and idk about other people but I don't go making out with my fucking friends???

I'm just so tired. Literally every person I've ever loved or liked has left. Even family.

Mom. Dad. Ryan. Rowan. Jacob. Nate. John. Abby. Luc.

It just hurts, man. Like, I'm trying so hard to be enough. I'm trying so hard to be the good person and loving and shit. I'd give my all to anyone and I have done my best to do just that... only for them to break everything off in a single conversation... why am I so disposable? Why am I so easy to forget? I try to be the happiness they need. I try to be the thing that keeps them going. I try to be the good daughter. I try to be the good sister. In the end, it amounts to nothing. I'll never be good enough. Perhaps thats why Mk always says those things. Maybe she knows I won't be any good at college again. Maybe she knows I'm no good for anyone. I want to be. I want to go home at night, to the person I love, and be held in their arms, and feel perfectly safe and loved.

I've been drowning myself in books. Trying to escape, because I know if I sit with my own thoughts, it won't be good. I keep thinking about Rowan. And I'm trying so fucking hard not to. I truly can't seem to get him out of my fucking mind. I wish that I could just go over there, give him a hug, and we'd never let go. I miss him. So fucking much and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to move on. And I get this makes me sound pathetic and stupid to be so caught up in someone who hurt me so much. But hes the only person who I've ever felt loved by. Truly. Especially in high school. When I lived with him, I've never felt that before or since. I don't know if that loves still there. I miss it. I miss him. The old him. The old us, before all this fucking complicated history shit happened. Back when he was my besterest friend. Back with I could trust him with anything. Back when we confided in each other bout the deepest parts of ourselves. I miss someone loving me, seeing me, knowing me. I miss being open and honest to someone like that. I miss the love. I miss the friendship. I miss his fucking laugh so much. 😭😭

I know I wrote him saying fuck him and fuck this and fuck that.. I know.. I was so fucking mad.. it was like the millionth time he had done that to me and I was so angry and hurt and I wanted to make him hurt, too. I shouldn't have done it. I should have let some days go by so we could cool off and potentially talk about it or something. I don't know. I worry about him. I've had a bad feeling about him this past month or so.. I've looked at his Tumblr before and didn't see anything.. but each time I go to look, I'm scared at what I might see? I haven't looked in awhile.. I just want him to be okay. I wish he could find happiness. I miss him and I hope he's doing well.. maybe I am pathetic and stupid for saying this... I can't help it.. he was my everything at some point or another.. I can't just make that go away..

I need to go to bed.. I need these thoughts to stop. It's like they're encircling me. That's why I read. I can escape. I can pretend that I'm not actually one bad day away from doing nothing for forever. Books are my solitude.

[lil-outsider]

Michael Sheen is a literal angel, y’all.

Let me tell y’all a story...

First, you need to know a little bit about my year so far. In the year of our Lord, Twenty-Nine-Sheen, well, my life has really spiraled. I’m a grad student at the University of Texas at Austin in the MA in Media Studies program, and I fully intended on graduating this past May. Unfortunately, in January, mere days before the Spring semester that I was registered and ready to go for would begin, I found out that I had to have surgery. I moved all my coursework online to address the problem. Well, financial problems caused by insurance issues left that process in paperwork hell until May, and, simultaneously, my grandmother fell ill in February, and we soon learned that she had quick-onset dementia. She also became incontinent during this time. Very rapidly, she went from somewhat independent to needing care 24/7. I became her new caregiver. My schoolwork got pushed back... Well, I kept working on it, but email communication often failed me and I found myself hoping I could go back to Austin, but nothing was slowing down. In fact, things started building up. My dad started working more, and I had less time to go to my undergraduate school here at home, Texas A&M University-Texarkana, and get work done. I knew I wouldn’t graduate in May, but my dad and I had pooled our money together to pay for one more semester. We chose the summer session because it was cheaper, and we were sure that, if I was given the freedom to work, I could get things done on time.  My dad started working even more--3 people were fired from his job at the water treatment drinking water plant here in Texarkana. He was working every single day. I was trying to find any second to show up at school, and I was also very, very exhausted. 

In a particularly heavy moment of stress and impending due dates that I couldn’t foresee making, I tweeted Michael Sheen with a funny picture of my cat and some icons @Kiyye had created, and I wrote a little note about how he made me smile in these dark times. 

Now, this message definitely uplifted my spirits. My best friend, @vacationingatthepond, randomly checked Twitter while we were on the phone together, getting ready to watch Masters of Sex, and found out the news. We were both ecstatic, as she is mentioned in the original post, too. Like everyone else in this fandom, we’ve been connecting over Michael Sheen content since Good Omens, so we’ve made a nightly ritual of gushing about Michael and watching his movies/shows. We connect over this since we’re hundreds of miles apart and we miss each other a lot. When we watched Bright Young Things, I even found my chosen middle name in Michael’s character. My love for him is real, and this little note made me feel loved, too.  Well, last night, my grandmother had a bad night, so I stayed up and decided that I would make a GoFundMe page to try and earn money to pay for the Fall semester at UT-Austin. It was getting dire. Tens of thousands of dollars of loans in, and I was about to have to quit because I couldn’t pay for one more course and I hadn’t applied for FAFSA because I intended on graduating in May. I also went ahead and applied for FAFSA, but this option was really daunting, considering it would triple the cost of school AND the coursework--to get loans, you must be full-time. While I need 3 hours to graduate, I’d need 9 to meet grad school full-time status... The GoFundMe page was a last-ditch effort to secure my spot in school, and remains an effort to get me back to Austin where I can work in-person with my advisor. 

Here is the link to the gofundme, if you would like to donate or signal boost:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-rein-graduate-utaustin-grad-school&rcid=r01-15656318453-90964e8dfd13406f&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w

I tweeted it to Michael, along with a thank you for his sweet words to my grandmother and I. I simply requested he signal boost my GoFundMe page. Instead, y’all, he donated the entire amount. And he told nobody. He just left it there for me to find. When I came back from changing my grandmother’s diaper this morning, I had a notification from a facebook message that a friend sent that read, “You probably still don’t realize what has happened.” I had sent her a link to the page only 30 minutes before. Within 30 minutes, Michael Sheen single-handedly reached my goal of $3000 and saved my academic career. I’ve only got a little work left on my project. I will graduate now. I cannot even fully process it.  Kudos to @neil-gaiman for recognizing that Michael Sheen is actually an angel here on earth. 

He told nobody about this. He kept this entirely to himself and the small group of people I have circulated this to. He didn’t share my post or anything--he did something better; again, he just single-handedly saved my academic career. It was instant stress relief. This has been the heaviest year of my life, and he’s made it better. He’s obviously invited to my graduation! Hook ‘em!  For those that are interested, my Master’s Report will be available to the public. Here is a description I wrote for the last GoFundMe update:  “The project is designed to be accessible to academics and non-academics alike. I have chosen Prezi as the format for 3 reasons: 1. Talking about asexual Daryl Dixon is a fun topic for academics, fans, and queer folx alike; 2.  Prezi is a free, accessible service, meaning there are no gates of publication in the way of accessibility; and 3. Prezi allows academic discussion and artistic expression to co-exist for the purpose of the argument/story you want to tell. This particular presentation, "Why a 'Somewhat Asexual' Daryl Dixon is Not Enough: The Importance of Labels in Queer Media" is a particularly meaningful discussion I want to put out into the world--it is dedicated to one of my closest friends, who feels as though non-negative media representations of asexuality are few and far between. Now is the time to talk about asexuality, not as an absence, but as an equally whole and wonderful experience of existence--and a valuable piece of our society.” 

@vacationingatthepond, @everybodyownsascar, and I have been miles and miles apart, and we’re all connected daily through our love of Michael Sheen. We’ve jokingly termed the year, “Twenty-Nine-Sheen,” but he really did make my year today. Thank you, Michael. 

#Michael Sheen #Aziraphale #He is an actual angel though #Neil Gaiman #good omens #The Walking Dead #TWD #UT-Austin #Acafans #Crowdfunding #Gofundme #I am so happy right now #I love him so much

[prorevenge]

Try to ruin my life? Say goodbye to your husband, your home, and your foot.

Now, to give some backstory to this, I will say things with her weren't always bad. When I was a small child she was the coolest mom in the world in my eyes. Looking back, she didn't make the smartest parental decisions doing “cool” things, but nonetheless there were good times I still remember fondly. As I got older, her manipulative ways and desperate need for everyone's attention at all times got unbearably worse. She also tried to make me into the same shitty person she was. She taught me how to make up elaborate lies and stories so my grandma wouldn't know where we went out (mom was a compulsive liar, so even though there was no reason for this, she did it anyway), constantly told me that school taught useless shit and I just needed to pass and get by and then would berate me for bad grades, she blew my friendships up by either manipulating my friends or their parents, taught me the first thing to do when my grandma died was to take all her money and grab her lock box (also had money, and yes she meant before calling 911), and honestly there's so many horrible things she told me was okay and did a lot of terrible shit to me, but there's just too many to list them all. There was also a decent heap of mental and emotional abuse that seemed to increase with my age, but y'all aren't here for my sob story.

The Breaking Point I was in college, she went full on helicopter parent during my first year, and she still managed to ruin with a few friendships because she's damn good at being a shitty person. Come my first summer vacation, it came time to get ready to go home. I wanted to go back to my grandma's house, where I grew up. She showed up moving day and took all my things to her and her new husband's house (he is NOT my stepfather, I never liked him). She demanded I get a job (she didn't have one) to pay for my food, but I also had to do ALL of the housework while she sat on her ass and watched TV and smoked weed. It took me less than a week to realize she wanted me there as her personal slave, but she didn't want to spend any more money that her husband made because of my being there. I texted a few friends out of desperation, and she took my phone in my sleep to read what I said. She then began her work to ruin my life. She messaged all of my friends slinging some bullshit about being a witness in court and said I told her a bunch of nasty shit about them I never said, and scared most of them off from ever talking to me. She called all of our family and told them I was an alcoholic and I was going to fail college (grades were decent, I had drank maybe 5 times ever at that point). My grandma came and got me after many tear-filled calls explaining what was going on. After I left, she refused to sign my FAFSA (there was absolutely no way I could afford school without financial aid), and tried to get me kicked out of my school, but the financial aid Dept at my school was awesome and helped me get around that so I could continue there. After that, she'd call the house and my job several times a day and leave harassing messages (luckily she kept up her nice act when she called work asking for me, they were unbelievably understanding at my job). My grandma and I ended up going to court to take out protection orders, she got hers with no contest, but my mother contested mine. At that point, my anxiety was so bad I became violently sick and missed my follow-up court date. After that she tried to have me arrested. When the cops showed up to my house explaining to my grandma what she told them, we explained everything going on and luckily they were also understanding (they got the crazy vibe from her on the phone). After that, I. Was. Done. I didn't just want her to rot in hell, I wanted the rest of her life to be hell.

The Revenge For a while, I didn't really tell many people what was going on as I'm the type of person that doesn't want to be a burden to their loved ones at any cost. But after going to therapy at my college, I got a lot of my shit worked out and was able to come to terms with a lot of the shit that happened. So then I began my work. I told EVERYONE she knew. Most of them she had gotten to first, but they changed alliances very quickly after my talks with them. I made sure to turn up the waterworks HARD when I retold my story every time. Even threw in the occasional "I just don't understand why she hates me so much," and "I only ever wanted my mom to love me." In reality, I knew she was just a compulsive liar and a narcissist and was only flipping out because I wouldn't succumb to her will anymore I told my family everything including the mental and emotional abuse from my teens and up. Needless to say, they were horrified.

I wound up getting a new number and blocking her email so she couldn't harass me anymore, but she would call my grandma's house and leave messages every once in a while to try and slither her way back into my life. Nope. She even tried to "kill herself" with TYLENOL to try and get sympathy. After I contacted everyone and told them what happened, no one gave a shit about her "issues." Eventually, she and dipshit husband wound up losing their house due to money with her not working. They bought a truck and a shitty trailer to hitch to it and called it home. She even had the nerve to call us when a hurricane was coming (yup, I'm from Florida) and asked if they could seek shelter with us. We deleted the message. Now for the most satisfying part. A few weeks ago, after quite a long time from her last message, she calls. Apparently, as it turns out, her unmanaged diabetes caught up to her. She was in a hospital in North Carolina about to have a foot amputated. Dipshit husband apparently decided he was done, so he ran away with his crackhead cousin (he was a recovering crackhead), took their truck/trailer, and left her with nothing and nowhere to go. My grandma was literally her last possible saving grace. Everyone else turned her away, and she was going to be discharged in 3 days. With nowhere to go. She was begging my grandma to take her in, even having the gall to say "how could you turn me away at a time like this."

Message deleted.

Now I'm doing much better with a job I love, kickass roommates, the best friends I could ask for, and a boyfriend who is so incredibly loving and understanding of all my issues. I couldn't be happier. And she couldn't be more miserable. I'm a Hufflepuff at heart, but push me too hard and I can show you just how much of a Slytherin I can be.

TL;DR: Mom spends years psychologically abusing me, tries to blow my life up. I make sure everyone hates her, then she loses her husband, her home, and her foot.

(source) story by (/u/st0nermermaid)

#prorevenge #by /u/st0nermermaid #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

[joshuahong]

growing up, my family always kind of struggled with money, my brother and I never had our own ‘room’ and i remember how I hated being told ‘we dont have enough for what you want’ so i never bothered asking for things. when people at 15/16 got their driver’s license and cars I was just happy my dad had the means to drive me to school every day. while I was fortunate enough to have food and place to live in, i never really got to ‘indulge’ in my teenage years? Like my peers had the choice of car A or B but i never really had the choice at all...i couldn’t afford it. and if i did have a choice it would be because my family couldn’t afford to pay for all of it.

when i got into kpop in 2014, it took me around 2017 to be able to afford albums. this is the money i got from refund checks from fafsa (read: LOL) but the money was never my own, you know? sometimes I wonder why i’m so ‘childish’ and would rather spend money on small things than invest in cars or other ‘high price items’ like my other IRL friends

then i realized that because as a teen i never had the money to buy what I wanted often, I do that now with the money i do earn! but i still get so anxious spending more than $200 on anything because I get so scared. I get scared that i wont have enough money to choose what i want and it’ll be like before.

with this whole kcon thing i was so anxious...im like well shit i have to buy tickets, flight, hotel, food, blah blah blah but then thai told me this!!! bea you like kpop right? and you love svt? so let’s go to kcon! and granted thai is literal nick young (like crazy rich asians) to me but it really hit me different? this life is so short and if I do have money right now why not experience kcon??? this sounds like an awesome event that I’ve never experienced before and I haven’t really done anything fun this summer either! i know money is hard and we’re all saving up, but what’s the point of saving up if you never use it for the things you like? its okay to want things that are just for fun! not everything has to have a return on investment, let’s enjoy this life while we can

#bea boop #tldr: i wanna be a risk taker but not a dumb one u feel #like im still budgeting and being smart with money but im more!! CHILL #long post

[ashencreature]

Important Update for partners across the board

This is long, and I’m sorry, but I just wanted everyone to know what’s going on. Honestly, I’m not expecting anyone to actually waste time reading through all this, but it’s just so I can try to ease my own anxiety in case the worst case scenario does come and I left some sort of explanation.

Ok, so, some of you know there’s been a lot going on for me at home in the last 3 or 4 years. But everything’s kind of getting worse by day and at this point, I’m not sure what to do anymore. 

When I was 14, I moved in with my dad. We moved quite a few times in the first few years I was with him. Hell, that first year alone, I was in 3 different schools. All for Freshman year. And the last house we were in that year, we stayed in for maybe 2? 

But when I was 16, the factory my dad worked at closed and he lost his job. That’s kind of where all this starts. Instead of getting a new job, he decided he wanted to spend all day drinking with his new friends and occasionally doing odd jobs for them or things with them. We had to move out of that house, take my dog to the shelter, and move into a trailer. It was only supposed to be for a year. But nearly 14 years later, and we’re still here. 

Now the landlord here is a real prick. More like a slumlord if you ask me. He jacks the rent up for the dumbest reasons and acts like he’s god’s gift to humanity or some shit. He told us himself, and had the park manager tell us, that we couldn’t fix our roof to stop the leaking because the walls would collapse of we tried to move it. So literally the entire 14 years we’ve been here, the roof has been leaking. My dad tried everything he could think of, short of tearing it out and redoing it, to fix it. Nothing worked. 

And in that time, the entire back half of the house got destroyed by mold. My bedroom, being the very last room, was the first to go. I think I slept in it for a year? And ever since, I’ve had to sleep in the living room because the walls had to be torn out due to the mold. It’s right down to the studs and the scant insulation. It’s been like that for over 10 years. Well, now the mold is spreading and getting worse. The bathroom is destroyed pretty much. The back hallway is the same. The floor’s rotting away, and the toilet is falling through the floor; again. 

Now, I think my dad went to the garage he was at for the first time when I was maybe 18? I don’t remember exactly. I do remember being in junior year and my friends either having to buy me lunch, share theirs with me, or pray that we actually were cooking in cooking class; which happened a lot less than you’d think. Other than that, I didn’t eat. Senior year was a little better because I at least would get money dropped off to eat. Not that the cafeteria had a lot of choices for me to pick from. I pretty much ate nothing but gross excuse for pizza and occasionally pretzels, fries, or Belgian waffles. 

Anyway, so senior year rolls around and we’re all prepping for college. At the time, I wanted to go to AMDA for musical theater, and managed to get an audition there for that March. I had to force my dad to go to the meeting about FAFSA and to fill out the paperwork. Which he said he did, but I don’t believe it because he says they denied me. And I’ve never heard of FAFSA being denied. Not that it mattered anyway, because I bombed the audition and didn’t get in. So graduation rolls around and all my friends go off to college. I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them since. They never stop to visit when they come home and they never try to reach out on Facebook. Eventually, I got sick of being the one to initiate and maintain all conversations, so I just gave up. 

The 2 friends I still had at that time helped me to get jobs when I was 20/21 and living with them, in 2011/2012. This was because 2 of us and their mom were in a car accident on the way to my friend’s college at the time. We all nearly died. My friend had a concussion, their mom needed surgery, and I nearly got impaled by a fake Christmas tree. I ended up going to the hospital a lot later than they did with a copy of the report in the doctor’s hand and got told I wasn’t in an accident I had the flu, go home. Anyway, so after my friend’s mom’s surgery, I moved in to help around the house and look after my friend’s youngest sister. These jobs weren’t the best; Wendy’s and the deli department of one of the local grocery stores. But it was money. 

For all the good it did. Because by that time, my dad had quit working at the garage. So here I was, paying for rent, bills, gas, food, and child support for my brother. All on $200 a week. My anxiety was driving me insane. And I came to find out that my dad was going in and threatening one of the store managers, which was probably why the guy was such a scumbag to me. But I digress. So I was in the store for a month shy of 2 years. I started at maybe $7.45 or $7.50. an hour when I started. It was slightly over the minimum wage at the time. By the time I left, 2 years later mind you, I wasn’t even making $8, and I was working full time hours while only being part time. Everything that went wrong got blamed on me, even when it was my day off and I wasn’t anywhere near the store. I liked most of the people that I worked with, even if I hated the job, and the assistant department manager became a really good friend. She was 2 years older than me, and we hung out a lot. I’d spend the night at her house, I was at her wedding, I’ve been to her daughter’s birthday parties and so on. 

At one point, I was supposed to get training to be an assistant specialty cheese shop lead. They sent me to one class, told me about another, but never gave me any more details about it, even when I asked. Then they said they were going to train me over there, but never did. That was just the first of a long list of grievances. The culmination of which was on a Sunday night, our busiest day of the week. There was just me and 1 other guy in the department. Then 1 lady in the hot food section, 1 lady in the beer store, and no one in the bakery. But they expected me to take care of all 4 departments and still wait on the 20+ people that were at the counter the whole night. And I had an order to make and put away for the assistant department manager. Needless to said, I had a panic attack. I told my partner, and both of the other people nearby. They told the assistant store manager, and he didn’t care. They made me work for 3 and a half hours, through a panic attack, without a break. I couldn’t breathe and was on the verge of fainting. I finally had enough and told one of the ladies that I didn’t care what the store manager said, I was going to get my inhaler in the break room and get a drink at the water fountain, or I was going to faint. 

A few days later, I got called to the main office to speak to the store manager, who I usually didn’t have a problem with. And unfortunately, since my anger receptors are evidently attached to my tear ducts, I broke down in tears when I wanted to be furious. He basically told me that I was going to the bakery or I was getting fired. So the next day, I quit. There was a lot of other stuff too but that doesn’t really matter. Including being so sick that I couldn’t eat for over a week, fainting in the back room because they wouldn’t let me take a day off, and not being able to talk for over a month. The assistant department manager almost called the ambulance when I fainted, but you know, I’m clearly the problem here. 

So there we were, I didn’t have a job. My dad didn’t have a job. I was 23, and feeling just as helpless as I did at 16. I spent a year filling out job applications for a bunch of different things from craft stores to fast food to jewelry stores, but never heard back from any of them. The only interview I got was for Chipotle. But they wouldn’t even hire me. Naturally, cue the anxiety and depression getting worse. And around this time, our electric got shut off. This was in May I believe because it was just before my birthday. 

At that time I started thinking about going back to school. So I looked at schools and degrees you could do all online, because I knew I could never afford to go on campus. And, as most of you know, I started at CTU in July of that year. Now the program I did was an accelerated one, which meant I could finish gen ed classes faster, be done faster, and lower my tuition. I did as many as I could, but only my admission adviser was any help. My actual student adviser was never around, never responded to my emails, never called me back. But whatever. 

So for 3 years I spent pretty much all day, every god damn day doing schoolwork. I’d be at my local Dunkin from 3 in the afternoon until they closed at 11. Sometimes I’d be working even later next door because I still had stuff to do. The first year and a half I was fine. It didn’t bother mine, just like working didn’t bother me at first. But then, a year and a half after I started, I got sick. I couldn’t eat anything without my stomach cramping up and getting the worst migraines. It got so bad that one day at Dunkin, I felt like I was going to puke, and got up to go to the bathroom and almost fainted. Personally, I think it’s a combination of anxiety, depression, Celiac/gluten intolerance, anemia, and asthma. But I don’t know for sure because I haven’t had a doctor since I was going to the pediatrician. And even if I did, can’t afford it. 

So I’ve just been getting sicker and sicker. I was 125 pounds in January of this year. 11 months later, and I’m down to 108.5 the last time I checked. I think the lowest I hit was 107, and that was all 6 months after the weight loss started. There’s times it’ll go back up, but I can’t get past 110 or 111 tops. Neighbors who used to live down the road came to visit earlier this week, and all the lady could say was how skinny I got. I’m like yeah, malnourishment’ll do that to you. 

And to make things worse, my dad at some point went back to the garage and was working again, so things were slightly better. I say slightly in the loosest way possible. But, just after Christmas last year, my dad quit again. I’ve seen him apply to 1 job and go to 1 interview in the year since. Other than that, he’s been collecting scrap and doing shit for people who refuse to pay, including the landlord. In the last 7 or 8 months, despite how many times I’ve told him that my refund checks from the school aren’t free money I can spend however I want, my dad’s made me spend it. The $5,000 I had that was supposed to set me ahead for my student loans are gone. And I’m $5,000 deeper in the hole than I should be. Which means instead of being like $45 or 50 grand in debt I’m about $55 grand. 

Then, because we haven’t had electricity in almost 4 years, and with the mold problem, everything in the house is ruined. We had only cold water, and I took cold showers for as long as I could. But last winter, the shower pipes froze and burst. So even if I wanted to, I can’t do that. Plus, because we can’t use the washer and dryer, or hook up a generator thanks to the scumbag landlord, or afford a laundromat, our clothes have gone unwashed for over a year. Most of mine were sitting in the tub, which got filled with mold and bugs. I have practically no clothes left, with no way to wash them, and no way to shower unless I go to someone else’s house. And even when I do, I still don’t feel clean. Even after washing my hair 4 times or more. 

We were supposed to move into the place next door and tear this one down. But the landlord and my dad made a deal that he’d give it to us for the cost of the title transfer. Then suddenly, he wanted $600, then like $800 or $1,000. But he won’t stop asking about it, no matter how many times we tell him no. Him and his wife keep trying to say we’re $5,000 behind on rent which isn’t possible because with what rent is now, you can’t even get $5,000 as a total for a whole year, and this last year is the only time we fell behind because everything else was caught up. He gave us a bill full or errors. Payments that were made aren’t marked. Payments that weren’t made are. There’s random charges after the monthly rent cycle. Which I think are from when he was bitching about us paying the taxes for a place we didn’t even own and was still in his name. He told us we can’t run the generator for power because it was too loud. Though the noise ordinance here is 11, and it was always off by then. And when one of the neighbors asked how we were supposed to live, he told them it “Wasn’t his problem”. 

So when I started getting really sick, and unable to leave the house to go to Dunkin for school because I was too gross, the neighbors next door let us run an extension cord over to their place. Not a lot. Just enough for the light in the living room, the fan, a mini fridge, and to plug in my phone and computer. OH WANNA HEAR A GOOD ONE. THE LANDLORD TOLD MY DAD 3 SEPARATE TIMES IF I NEED TO PLUG IN MY COMPUTER TO GET A LANTERN. YES THE OLD FASHIONED OIL OR CANDLE TYPE LANTERN. WHICH YOU CAN TOTALLY PLUG AN ELECTRONIC COMPUTER INTO. So because of that, I was able to finish school and graduate in June. 

But, because I still can’t bathe or do laundry and have no clothes, I still can’t go to interviews. If I walked in with my arms, face, neck, and legs literally black from dirt, and reeking to high heaven, I’d fucking get laughed out of the place. My dad still refuses to get a real job and insists on hauling scrap or doing shit for people who won’t pay at all, or want to pay less than it’s worth. And guess what’s due this week? You got it, my first loan payment. 

I can’t figure out how much I have to pay, work on getting it lowered or delayed, or even access my account info because there’s an issue with my birthday apparently, and they can’t find it even though they have my name and social and keep emailing me. I’ve been telling him this for months, and he still won’t come with me to try and sort it out. Because what he needs has to taken care of then and there and everything else can fuck all. He blew up at me the other day about it, blaming me for going, leaving him with payments, for my mother walking out 20 years ago even though they hated each other, and pretty much for being born. Because he resents having to take care of kids he made the choice to have. Not like I asked to be born, and I’ve been wishing I was dead since I was 9, but whatever. 

Anyway. 

So, the neighbor’s dad was diagnosed with lung cancer over the summer. Like 2 weeks later, he was dead. And she’s struggling just as much. We’ve been trying to help her and she’s been trying to help us. But her ex was paying her rent and some of the other bills until she found a job because they have a young son. But he started refusing to do that, which I honestly wouldn’t be surprised it if was the landlord’s doing cause they were talking. And he was telling her to “pull the plug” on us. And his wife started harassing her about rent like 2 weeks after her father died. Then, she went to Domestic relations earlier this week and then like the day after she goes, her ex somehow gets an emergency custody on the little guy. They came for him yesterday. 

She’s most likely going to have to move, which means that we’ll be losing power and internet unless we can figure something out to get our power back on. But even then, the bill’s supposedly at least $1300, and that won’t fix the internet problem. 

So... Needless to say, if I disappear suddenly in the near future, that’s why. I don’t want to go. I’ve spent too much time here, made too many friends, and put too much work into my muses. But everything is going to shit all at once. It’s just been building and building for the last 3 years, especially the last year, but my dad refuses to see and do anything about it. Instead, he’d rather blame everything on me and expect me to fix it. As if my mental health wasn’t bad enough from childhood abuse and being sick and stressed all the time. Now I’m too fucking scared to leave the house. I haven’t been outside since the midterms when I went to vote. But I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen now. And I just wanted everyone to know that I love them. And even if I do disappear, I still plan on keeping my muses and coming back when I can. Granted Tumblr doesn’t die before then. In which case the only blog i’m worried about losing is Elizabeth’s because of all the worldbuilding, metas, and headcanons I’ve done.

#Outofbelief

[jacems2]

Hey uhhh I hate asking like this but I’m about to get kicked out of school unless I can in full pay for my last semester and make a payment on next semester. I also can’t really stay with my parents, BUT I MIGHT have a place to stay in California with an aunt but I need money to pay for a plane ticket... Story and donation links under the cut

Okay so this story really starts a few years ago. My mother and I have always been extremely poor, we have been without heat and hot water for years, and we have always had a rocky relationship too. My mother can’t work for more than a few months at a time before her depression completely takes over and she self-medicates with alcohol until she inevitably loses her job. I try to talk with her and help her but she always acts as if she knows what’s best and that I’m a lowly peasant questioning her authority. She hasn’t worked in almost 3 years and she refuses to apply for social security or get a part time job, which makes living with her very difficult but I recieve a lot of grant money for school! 

Anyway, fast forward to summer/fall. I was working 9 hour days trying to save for college and pay bills at the same time at my mother house. This was also the summer I graduated high school so I was also having to do a very last minute college search and decided to go with community college because I knew I could complete all of the paper work before the new semester. I was able to complete the FAFSA pretty much on my own, but I was chosen for verification of my mother’s 2016 tax records. I feel like it’s very important to note that this happened in early August. I tell my mom this and she makes it seem like she’s going to take care of it. She didn’t. 

At the beginning of the semester we got in a huge fight where I basically told my mom’s dad that she can’t live alone and I can’t take care of her. He tried to guilt me into staying with her by saying “I don’t know what your mom will do without you... just stay with her for now.” I wasn't having it though, so I ran away form my mom’s house to my dad’s house where I don't even have a room with a door on it or a dresser to put my clothes in (it’s literal hell). And whenever I tell my dad how I feel I always get something along the lines of “You knew that you would have to make sacrifices when you left your mom’s house, so deal with it.” 

Because I was unable to verify at the beginning of the semester, the community college put a hold on my financial aid with a temporary loan of $2121.79. I decided immediately at the beginning of the semester that I hated community college, and so I started the process of transferring to 4 year university that I don't feel like specifying. I’ve done all the necessary paperwork, but they are requiring me to verify my mother’s 2016 tax records as well, but lucky me because my mother never actually did anything all semester. All payments/verification is due on January 1st. There is absolutely no way I can make this date because the IRS is now suspecting identity theft (despite the fact that I have my mother’s consent to request these forms, in fact she constantly tells me that it’s my responsibility to get the forms since I’m the one going to college) and are requiring an address/identity verification, which when we recieve it, it can take 6 weeks to process. My only other option is to make a payment on my tuition out of pocket, and I don’t have an exact number yet but they offer payment plans of breaking my tuition up into 4 payments and my total is about $11,700~ so a fourth would be a little bit less than $3000~

I highly doubt I can raise that much money before January 1st, but I have a backup plan! I have an amazing Aunt that lives in Berkeley who may be willing to house me until  fall semester 2019 (and I wasn’t chosen for verification next year so I can totally go to the 4 year university!). The only downside of this plan is that I still need money for a plane ticket ($110 if I leave Jan 14th). I currently don’t have a job because I was expecting to move into my university 200 miles next month, so I have no source of income. 

I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to give anything but I can’t live with my family in Ohio any longer and I’m getting kicked out of school :(

Paypal 

Venmo: Jace-Moore-3

#please share #donation #help

[cockingballs]

some thoughts on class and privilege after discussing these things at college and seriously dating someone who is of a significantly lower socioeconomic status than i am (under the cut bc it got really really long)

class is SO relative. you really can’t 100% realize your place unless you befriended every single person in the world and saw how many people are actually not coming from your background

like i’ve been in a lot of groups where i was the Rich one but i’ve also been in a few communities where i was the Broke one so i think it’s always gonna be hard to really understand where you are on the ladder. i recently learned that the middle class is a lot smaller of a class in america than we think because SO MANY people call themselves middle class

if we say like, the top 15 or 20 percent is upper class then i’m definitely upper class. but i feel like i was under the impression for much of my childhood and adolescence that you have to be a multimillionaire to be upper class. i think it’s more like you have to be comfortable and then some. 

my family boards a fucking horse which honestly is enough to be like yeah i’m upper class. we don’t need that at all

i thought about it a lot in recent weeks bc my boyfriend visits my dorm about 3 or 4 times a week, he drives south about 40 minutes in a real shitty hand-me-down car and has to pay for gas cause i don’t have a car yet (i say Yet because it’s not like we can’t afford a third car we just haven’t gotten one and one of the points i’m trying to make while writing this is that we can afford shit like that) and he’s here so often he keeps a t-shirt and shorts here cause if his clothes get gross at school he dont have time to change before he comes over

he goes to his local community college on fafsa loans in a very conservative county and i pay 58k a year in tuition at an acclaimed private four year liberal arts college. 

even the kids here are wildly different in privilege. we did an activity in a class where we basically all started on a line and then stepped forward or backwards in response to questions like “if you have ever been discriminated against by peers because of a marginalized identity, step back” that kind of thing, and i did (along with a few other kids) make it so i was up against the far wall, because even at this affluent college i am still extremely privileged

a mixture of merit scholarships and family money means i will graduate with no debt or very very little. which is crazy. my boyfriend is at a much cheaper school but he’s going to be in debt because of loans

but its not even just that huge thing?? i mean college is a huge expense and priced like a luxury and it totally divides people but its also like the littlest things???? he stayed over at my parents house this weekend with me for the ren fest and when i told him i’d let him use a new toothbrush and keep it there in case he came back cause we had plenty of extras he laughed and was like “are you serious??? that would be a cardinal sin in my house” like he was gonna not brush his teeth cz it would be a waste of a toothbrush you might need later. my mom gave us a hundred dollars in spending money for the festival and i got him some nice earrings and he was just like “you are so fucking rich” and i seriously had not thought about it that much up until that point cause its like. normal for me??? but its not normal

you can make anything normal if you grow up like that of course and ya just dont realize it until later

and i decided to write this cause he was talking to me about his friends and i noticed that a bunch of them were joining the military. normally i would like totally red-flag that and sirens would be going off like yikes are they gun nuts or something but i thought about it and realized that it’s probably just the affordable option

and i guess,,, the us military really does swoop in on underprivileged students who can’t pay for college. especially in a conservative county

its also weird to be in a relationship where money is uneven. theres such a weird power dynamic with money

i had been buying him shit all weekend, my mom gave him her gas card and $20 for running an errand, i got him some really nice sunglasses for the drive home, paid for some of his food, got the earrings, helped him pay for a literal actual fucking sword lmao, and then we’re like discussing this viking outfit he wants to do next year and he wanted to use contact lenses to be “blind” in one eye and we found some and i offered to buy them and then he told me very earnestly he wanted me to stop spoiling him

like i really wanted to treat him cz he does a lot and doesnt have much spending money but when he said that i did realize that when one person is spending all the money it can make the other person feel,,, weird, like maybe a little guilty and possibly embarrassed 

anyway i could probably write a whole paper on how privilege is so significant but we been knew, this is just my experience with it this weekend

#pond babbles

[ratzfight]

a day I never want to forget 3/18/22

 its currently 3 am and I wanted to write this so I can never forget it maybe idk be the change in me that I seek in going Mia for the change I want in myself because the sahra I am today.i hate her so I wasn't asleep but I needed water so I had to pretend I had just gotten up and all my siblings were asleep and my father had just came home and my mom told me at 3 am if I go to sleep with my 14 year olds brother room dirty im over with and I find that beyond unfair because I didn’t mess it up so I argued I dont care.she thinks just because shes my mother she can abuse me and act like I abuse her.

I cant wear pants because she fat shames me. I cant hang out with friends because she shames my friends and act like im a dick rider and would dick ride my friends  my mom met sumaya friends today and she said good things about them but my mom every friend I tell her to meet its always bad names or hate towards them.i honestly give up so much for my mother and for what she says she does everything for me but look where I am at right now. not allowed to take a gap year but she won't help me sign up for fafsa. she won't take me to the gym but fat shames me.wont buy me a car but won't let me save up money because she wants me to help pay her dumb ass bills.like my mother kept telling me to do laundry right but she won't give me the money so I kept putting it off and is that my fault like my mom wanted me to use my own money for her kids laundry and no I won't. my parents won't stop talking about how they left me drive their car and imma have to pay gas for it.I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN PAY GAS AGAIN FOR MY MOMS CAR. im never allowed to go anywhere but school and home and if I do go anywhere its to drive my moms kids places smh.

my sister will never ever hear a rant or anything from me again I promise. sumaya is dead to me and I will never do this girl a favor idc never. selma been dead to me. these girls don’t know how much they use me every single day.like I literally give up so much for them like my sister selma and sumaya use to get dropped off to school by me and I would rush them because I need to go to school myself duh and they would act like I had to drive them because it was my mothers car and honestly I didnt have to. I would've gotten yelled at and gotten in trouble because it would be more work on my parents but thats it Idk but my sisters only paid gas once and they are so entitles and its my moms fault 

I feel like this is so haram to say but I hate my mom im sorry I hate her.she never once did anything for me ver since e we came back from Kenya and literally its sad because I would get a job and she would say what I bought with the money is dumb and I should've helped my mother man fuck you like she never once helped me and I can never talk to my mother without her bringing up money. my mom separates her kids in 2 groups the older kids and the younger ones. im the second oldest of 6 kids and my mom literally uses me and she knows it. like think of it like this. I went to the movies and couldn't sit down and watch a full movie without my mom telling me to come home and pick up her kids and even worse I literally pick up my siblings from dugsi rt and if I drop them off or pick them up late my mom spazzes out on me. for what im not their mom its your job as a mother. and my mom promises to take my siblings anywhere I would have to drive them and whenever I try to argue with them. she goes you love to drive stop showing off. my mother acts like she knows me but she knows nothing I dont think anyone in my life doesn't and the only reason she thinks I love driving is because I wanted to learn so bad because I wanted freedom and my own car and being able to do whatever I wanted.

I feel like everyone in my family. my cousins my mother her sister my siblings and my grandma all think im this dumb dick dizzy girl and my sister literally said that because I said I was gonna get married young but the only reason I would is so I can be my own person 

[fandom-blackhole]

Lilac and Mimosa?

Plant Asks

Lilac: your aesthetic?

I specifically am a mix of dark academia, grunge, and cottage core. I dress more grunge/dark academia, when I try anyway lol, but my decorating leans more towards a mix or dark academia and cottage core.

Mimosa: what are you struggling with right now?

Ok so I need a bit of a rant so I'm using this to do that, but I'm gonna do it under the cut so if you don't want to read through a blocky paragraph you don't have too

So everything im struggling with or worried about is literally revolving around school. So to explain a little I took a year off because last year my anxiety sky rocketed and I wasn't able to make it to classes because I was having several panic attacks just for the thought of going. In the end im kind of glad I did take a year because of covid and everything because from what I heard last semester out there was BAD with covid cases.

Now I am also only one 3 hour class from getting my associates, so I made the decision to take a year for mental health reasons, and so I could work and save up money because I planned on transferring to a university this fall and just sending one class back to finish off my associates. This idea has left me with nothing but constant worrying. First off every single job I have gotten to save money has fallen through in some way shape or form. There isn't much in small town Kansas, and because of my anxiety it's really hard for me to work in retail or at a restaurant, I've done both in the past and because I don't emote much people always assume im a bitch no matter how hard I try. So I've looked for smaller things, I babysat for a while, and still do occasionally, but I went from get like $150 a week to roughly $20 here and there because the hours changed. Then I was watching a dog for my sister's friend because her mother didn't want it home alone while she was at school. And that was nice and all until they started complaining about paying me too much, I asked for 10$ a day and I was watching the dog from 7:30 am to 3:30-4 pm AND I was feeding the dog so in reality I was loosing money because that dog went through bags of food like they were nothing. Now we are at the present where I have no job and 20$ to my name. I still have some scholarship money saved away but I have nothing and im so fucking scared because I come from a very lower middle class family, no one can help me. Not to mention no one knows where our tax info is so I havent been able to finish my FAFSA application yet....

As for my next worry, the university I applied to has yet to send me an email or letter or even call me. I don't know what to do and the only thing I got from them was an email saying they got my application. I want to call them but just thinking about it gives me cold sweats and makes me nauseous. But I'm gonna have to get over that and call them soon.

Right now, my only idea is to go back to the community college i was attending and spend a year there taking more classes, purely because I changed my major so there are classes I can take for that while I try and get everything under control.

I just feel like I'm falling into the hole that I told myself I wouldn't. My biggest fear is being stuck here in small town Kansas working a factory job and barely scrapping by. I've seen what that does to the people close to me, and I can't end up like that.

I don't know, I just needed the rant and this showed up, so sorry anon for clogging up your ask with this, but I needed to get this off my chest. Much love darling 💕

#ask game #personal

[sociallyanxiousdragon]

Okay so life update

Things are a lot better but my brain/mental illnesses are still playing catchup to that fact so I feel like I’m in that “you better watch out” vine

More info under the cut because if you know me you know I’m a wordy mother fucker

Going to list things out as bullet points as I think of them so it won’t just be massive awful paragraphs

- @bloggingisforcowards bought me Pokemon Ultra Moon and Fire Emblem Warriors for the 3ds. I haven’t started playing the latter but I’m on the second island of the former if you wanna talk to me about it!

-I had a serious talk with my parents (individually)

-Dad was way more supportive this time

-When I mentioned how he told me how much money he spent on me he said he never did that or that I might have misunderstood

-I don’t know if he’s joking as a way to avoid expressing regret for what he said or if he literally doesn’t remember since he was diagnosed with dementia. I hadn’t really noticed any symptoms (though I don’t talk to him that much) but honestly it could go either way

-I’m going to try to get back into Centriq, the 4 month programming/networking school I was in before

-I contacted them and I’m on the waitlist for Jan 22nd

-While I’m in, my parents will pool their resources to help pay for my expenses

-This is kinda extraordinary for me because my parents are divorced and aren’t too keen on each other but I’m glad they’re working together

-I also feel awful because my mom makes about 30k a year and my dad’s living off retirement and disability and I feel like I’m draining them dry

-But also, despite them having the best intentions at heart and me knowing they legitimately love and care for me, they put me through mental and emotional hell for years (and still do sometimes now) so I’m making myself feel better by thinking of this as repayment

-As in maybe I wouldn’t have fucked up so much if they had been more supportive of therapy and let me get on meds and not constantly feeding the flames of my depression and anxiety in jr high/high school

-I need to email Centriq in a few weeks to see how many people are registered for Jan classes so I know how much of a shot I have at actually getting in

-It still pisses me off I’m on a waitlist

-I’m hoping that getting in Jan 22nd will align well with ending seasonal work at Target

-I would hate to have to pretend I’m in it for the long run to only work for another few weeks if they decide to keep me on full time but I also can’t not have a job for much longer than my parents are already planning to help me get through

-Also I went ahead and filed my FAFSA for the next school year in case I decide to go to community college in the fall

-Because that was going to be my plan except in the spring and when I told my parents dad was just like well do it after you do centriq if you really want to but do centriq first

-I’d be going for a game development associates so what I learn at centriq will be directly relevant and the degree will just help me focus on the one area I really want to get into

-things are still weird with me and aiden but i don’t know if it feels weird to him

-reflexively kissed him on the shoulder when i was trying to wake him up the other day because i used to do that when we were dating. thankfully he wasn’t awake for it

-we were in a polyam relationship but it still sucks to hear about the person he is still dating or when he talks about potentially dating other people

-i really really hate being on the waiting list for centriq

-they won’t be able to tell me if i’m in until the week before classes start

-/end

#jax yacks

[ashavant]

The American University System: Oppressing the non-elite.

So let me get this straight...in the 70's there was a community outcry to lower the amount of tax money that got put towards college tuition for future generations? American tax payers used to cover over 70% of college costs, allowing the young students straight out of highschool the ability to work a minimum wage summer job to literally pay their entire tuition. Those with part time jobs while in school were not very common. This allowed for an ability to succeed without the unnecessary baggage of financial stress and lack of sleep at 18 years old while taking 14+ credits, which for those of you who dont know is a true 40-60 hour work week alone. All of this hard work and achievement paved the way for these kids to enter adulthood as educated, debt free, and with the world at their fingertips. Not to mention, they had the incredible privilege of not having to become a self sufficient adult in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the depression...

Compare that romantic reality to our drastically different reality today. I will use my experiences as an example for this, while probably on the extreme spectrum of experiences, they are valid and carry merit nonetheless. I was always told as a child, "you have to go to college, its not an option" Yet, when i graduated highschool, my parents grew quiet. I grew up in a 5 person household in Orange County, CA (one of the most expensive places to live in the country) in a family who made roughly $40k a year, give or take (thats poverty folx). My step-father was an electrical contractor so income was often spuratic. Anyway, needless to say they had not one penny saved for my college tuition. My parents failed to put a single penny aside for anything regarding my well-being honestly. With no car, no money, no job, and no idea when or how I could recieve a college education, I was kicked out of my parents at 17 years old with nowhere to go. I couch surfed and was able to get a couple jobs, one at a crafts store and one at a sandwhich shop. After 2 long years of working my way out of homelessness, all I wanted was to start college! So, at age 19 I applied for financial aid. However, I was told because I was under 25 I needed my parents tax information. Well, my parents never filed on time and were incredible dodgy with communication. So, after months of going back and forth I ended up paying out of pocket for a full time coarse load at a community college. I was able to work my jobs and pay this, but with nothing left over for rent or food. I ended up getting kicked out of my place, had to apply for foodstamps, and had to start over from square one. Little did I know I would have to wait 5 years before I could finally give college another shot.

I had almost given up the idea of higher education. I was making good money in the food industry at this point and had a nice company car and a great home with an awesome roommate. But then, I met a boy. We traveled the country for three months with his bluegrass band and saw 32 states. Afterwards, we again found ourselves broke and homeless. We hunkered down, worked 80+ hour weeks, saved up, and moved to Portland Oregon, "where young people go to retire". Little did we know, retire would be the LAST thing we did when we got there. Cost of living was rising in Portland, but still nothing compared to Orange County, CA. We got good food jobs and nested for about a year. My boyfriend (we will call him N) got great grades in highschool and high test scores in his exit exams, so in 2014 he chose to get back into school as a Music Composition Major at age 26. His journey is a whole other terrible story. I wanted to return to school so badly, but knew I had to wait until I was old enough to not warrant my parents tax info. Finally, at age 24 I filed my FAFSA and went to a career counselor. I was directed in the career of Civil Engineering. Having no prior knowledge of this career or topic, I dove in blindly headfirst. I chose a community college due to the fact that I barely finished highschool and did not take ant exit exams. To my surprise, I did very well in my college settings. After one year I was able to transfer to a university! Me! I WAS GOING TO A UNIVERSITY! I could not believe it, and was soo excited. I had no clue how hard this would be, not the work, but just surviving through it. I should mention here that I have a mild dissability. I have endometriosis which is a chronic illness linked to hormones, ovarian cysts, and all that jazz which can result in disabling pain and in my case an emergency surgery from time to time. I also suffer from a mild form of PTSD. So, with those alone handling high stress loads can be very hard on my mental and physical well being.

Ok, so I was a 24 year old first generation college student (first person in my family to go to college) disabled lower class person wanting a higher education. Seems logical right? Well, once I got accepted to the university, I chose to change my major to Architecture, I had taken an intro class for general ed and fell inlove. My beginning of my first year was great! Lots of lectures and reading. Aside from my tuition multiplying literally 3x from my community college tuition which did not affect my financial aid disbursement, I was fairly stress free. Now keep in mind, my partner and I are both working 20-30 hour weeks to make ends meet while taking 12-14 credits. Its basically having 2 full time jobs. Anyway, the last term of my first year came around-my first studio class. I was so excited! Time to actually do architecture! I got the syllabus and was told was supplies were needed to be successful in the class. I was also told that doing all of the requirements for the assignment would result in a C grade, if any grade above that was desired extra work had to be put in. I thought, no biggie, bring it on. The next thing she said was, "absolutely no sleeping in the studio!" Thats when I had a feeling I was gonna be in trouble. After class I went to the art store got my supplies. I almost started crying as they read my total to me: "$682.80, please." And that was with my student discount and not including all of the future supplies I would need just for that term, which I will tell you now after all the drawings and models ended up being about $2,000. That is a whole lot. These studio classes also require many all-nighters just to have enough time to complete the assignments. Many times, due to having to work outside of school I could not complete my assignments or had to do them with less craft and care than I would like just to turn it in. This year, I recieved less in financial aid, my rent has gone up significantly, tuition went up, and there are new grade requirements: if you get anything less than a B-, youre immediately dropped from the school of Architecture. So, not completing assignments isnt an option anymore. This last term costed my much less money, but once I told my instructor I was out of money, his response was, "well, this is Architecture school." What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!? A roll of Velum (drafting design paper) costs $50-$70 pencils are $2 a piece, models cost like $100 each, the list of tools go on and on. I am already paying $10k a year for tuition, ensuring at the very least $70k of debt including my masters degree which you need to get your Architecture license. And at least $100k with the $500 a month I need to borrow a month for rent. I should not need to add thousands more of that for supplies my school should be providing. And this insane pressure of pulling all nighters to get done the amount of assignments it would take us to do in a whole week last term in 2 days!

The moral of this very long story is that college is not meant for those of us trying to climb the life ladder. Its meant for the already elite. Its meant for kids right out of highschool with parents who make enough money to pay their tuition, their rent, their whole lives! Meant for kids who travel to Europe for the summer instead of working 60 hours a week to make up for the money lost during school cuz you physically cannot work more than 25 hours. Its meant for kids who can call their mommies and complain about how mean their teacher is, not for those of us who cry every night about being afraid of ending up back on the streets in the snap of a finger. Its meant for kids who can work and think about school all day every day, not those of us preoccupied with being able to pay all of our bills and being able to afford food and health insurance.

HOWEVER, even if you are like me, worse, or better, YOU CAN DO IT! I have a damn 3.7 GPA. I may only get 3 hours of sleep a lot, cry almost weekly, probably have lost years of my life due to stress, and feel scared for my health, but shit IM FUCKING DOOOOIN IT! Even though our government, or school presidents, and pretty much everyone in power disagrees, you are so worth it and you are so capable of success no matter how much harder you have to work than everyone else. Because we have to work so much harder now, we will get to party that much harder when we make it. I WILL GRADUATE IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL SUCCEED IN SPITE OF THE SYSTEM! I WILL CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD CUZ I AM A BADASS AND CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PRIVELEDGED FUCKS CAN DO, JUST BETTER!

#university #college #university system #academic witch #academia #opression

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 46

I walked in and sat down. She said that I looked really red and I said ugh let me just show you the picture. I showed her a picture of my sunburn and explained that I had been a fucking idiot and hadn’t used sunscreen at the beach so I got sun poisoning and cold sores and was miserable and the trip felt like a cluster fuck because of it and it’s my own fault because I didn’t use sunscreen because I had felt like it wasn’t that hot out and I didn’t think that I was burning. I told her that it was a lesson learned and then I had almost canceled my session for the day and decided that if Lynn was going to judge me, she was going to judge me. Lynn was like no I don’t mean that you look bad, I just meant that you can tell you’ve been burnt. She said yikes and she was sorry I got so burnt. She asked what beach I had gone to and I said Robert Moses, and she said that she would be going to Montauk next week and she would remember to bring her sunscreen. I said that she is definitely more tan than I am, but that her redhead kid might benefit. She laughed and said her daughter is more pasty than I am. She said that she would be gone with her daughter by the train and asked if I had ever done that. I said no and I honestly didn’t even know that the train went there because we had only ever gone by car. I laughed and said for your non-vacation? She laughed and said yes and that she is doing her non-vacations the right way.

I explained the fight my dad and I had about him sending my husband an article on are you good enough to get into heaven and how I had stood up to him. I told her that my mom and I had the talk at the beach and then I was just the two of us, and I asked if I could just read from my Tumblr. She said of course and I read what I had written from that day out loud. She started laughing at one point and was like oh my gosh I’m sorry for laughing but this is so ridiculous on her part she’s literally comparing you to a foster child. I said I know! And I continued reading. I got to the point where I asked my mom how as a six-year-old I would’ve known to tell my doctor that I was having severe anxiety, and Lynn pause me and was like good for you for responding In such a healthy way. She pointed out that any doctor should’ve been able to spot that I had anxiety going on because you can spot and anxious kid a mile away. I finished reading my Tumblr and she asked me how I was feeling about it. I said that I was glad because the timing of it came at a point in which I really do you know and believe that it wasn’t my responsibility to take care of myself as a child and that’s because if EMDR. She pointed out that the biggest thing for her and reading everything was that my parents are very clearly still trying to control me. She said while I was reading she wrote down how my mom had made the comment that she was playing the Therapist card and how throughout the whole thing my mom was clearly trying to control me and control who I am, controlling my husband and I being religious and controlling the kind of relationship we have, where she is controlling us to have this surface level relationship built as a glass house with everything looking good on the outside and I am trying to build a solid foundation. I said that I hadn’t really realized how controlling she was being, but that all of that made sense. I explained how generally speaking they are definitely controlling and I told her about how my parents and Ashley were helpful when I had a question about buying a home because obviously I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing since I’ve never bought one before and have never learned about it, but that quickly turned into them telling me what I should and shouldn’t purchase and how much I should spend and how I need to think about how having a child will affectmy finances and daycare fees and whatnot. She told me about how there are times with her 19-year-old twin daughters that she will say something and be like crap and wish you could take it back because she is asking things that are assuming that they are still children whereas when they turn 18 they become adults and things change. She talked about how my mom needs to learn how to treat me like an adult, just like she is learning how to treat her kids like adults. She also pointed out that she always forgets that I’m still a millennial, and that she has noticed in her practice that across-the-board there seems to be a commonality among my parents generation of being helicopter parents and how that has influenced my generation being extremely helpless. She pointed out that the some extent it would be normal and healthy to not really know how to do certain things, but that there seems to be a generational issue going on where a lot of people around my age really don’t know what they’re doing in a lot of areas. She said that her daughter had volunteered to help a senior in high school and her mom with their application for college because she was applying for a theater school. Lynn said that she texted her daughter back and said ha ha Ha and her daughter was like wait what and Lynn was like do you mean you volunteered me to come do it? Because I’m pretty sure you didn’t do any of your application, I did it all for you and that her daughter laughed and was like will you please help because she had realized that she really hadn’t done any of her application. I laughed and said I never did a FAFSA a day in my life and my parents did that for me. Lynn said that her parents never did anything for her and that made her more dependent, although now that I think about it her mom is also bipolar so I could see where her mom was in able to be helpful based on how Lynn has described her mom being unstable. I said that I wasn’t sure if my parents think their behavior is normal or not because I know while they dated and even when they were first married they lived with my dad’s mom because my mom’s family was so unstable and they wanted to save money. So maybe they really think that there are overbearing behavior is normal. Lynn said they probably do think it’s normal but that doesn’t make it normal or healthy. She asked me if I Mabel to look at everything my mom said and see how absolutely ridiculous it is, and I said yes. I explained how it’s weird that they are so different with the foster kid and I can totally see why they don’t like the foster kid. I told her about how they let Ellie eat uncrustables and fish sticks and no vegetables all the time. Lynn laughed and said because they know they can’t control her, and I laughed and said that they know they are in allowed to spank her so now, and she said yeah and they are in allowed to starve her like they did to you because all she has to do is tell the caseworker that they aren’t feeding her and they would get in trouble, so your parents know what they are doing. I said I hadn’t really thought of it like that but that makes sense. I told her about Hannah and Angel and how funny they are in that it’s sad that they are being raised in the super religious household as well and I felt sad hearing them use those on realistic simple faith answers for things.

I told her about the rest of the trip and how I have been disappointed with Pastor lake who had made A dumb comment about wishing that pastors were able to call themselves counselors and that most people really just need biblical guidance and not counseling, and that for one he was basically shitting on my career and two, it was disappointing because he’s like this major Trump supporter now and I just felt like a letdown that he thinks like that. This all sparked a conversation about religion. She said that she grew up Catholic and that her husband was a lot more conservative and grew up Baptist and that they raise the kids and I’m nondenominational church and that they were always given a lot more freedom to understand religion and how they wanted to understand it. I said that I feel guilty because part of me knows I could be closer to my mom if I were different and if I could be this really religious person like she wants, and Lynn pointed out that I can’t be that because once you’ve seen the light, but she laughed and said no religious pun intended, you can’t go back. She explained how she has seen over the years a lot of her kids friends who were raised in more religious circles where they really struggle with questioning anything and believe things that don’t really make sense. She said that her husband and her son go to the Presbyterian Church and she laughed and said she doesn’t usually go with that she occasionally watches it on TV. She said that she likes the pastor and all but that the church itself is a little bit to west of their city. She said she is sure that we have the equivalent of that in my area, and she basically explained that it’s a lot of wealthy upper-class people who are conformists. She laughed and said she should probably try to find a Methodist church, and I laughed and said that I go to a Methodist church! I asked her if there will ever be a point when I don’t get so mad about the conservative religiosity. She said it takes time and that for her she recognize that more often than not when she was getting angry, it was because of something else and not necessarily the actual religiosity, like if she was wanting to protect someone and someone was using obscure Bible verses to hurt them. I said that made sense but I think I also just get really upset in general, and then I pointed out that part of me feels like maybe that will change once I process my grandma’s death because that had so much religious bullshit with the Church blaming me for her getting sicker because of spiritual warfare and me not praying enough when really I had panic disorder. I explained that my parents seem to struggle to have any conversation without throwing in Bible verses and religiosity, and that maybe that sounds bad because for them God is within everything they do and maybe I’m not a good Christian because he’s not. When cut me off and explain that maybe God does permeate all that I do. She said that I’m a therapist and what more else away to share my faith than through helping people navigate life. She pointed out that God can be within everything I do without me being explicitly obnoxious with Bible verses and pointing everything out. She pointed out that there’s a point where once you know you cannot now, and that for a lot of people you get home point where you begin to question things. She said she grew up Catholic, but that when she was in college it was easy for her to point out and realize that she didn’t really believe in a lot of the things she was raised to believe. I said I wasn’t really sure exactly how I got out of it except that enough shit hit the fan, and I began to question why all of the simple faith answers like prayer we weren’t working or fixing things. She pointed out that my parents are living in the dark and she said we could definitely process my grandma’s sickness.

I also told her about how I went and saw my brothers apartment in the city and that we walked around. I laughed and said my brother and I have both disappointed my parents because he’s a lot like I am, and that we both are not very religious and are Democrats and see things very differently. I explained that I wasn’t really sure how he became like that, and she asked me how he deals with my parents. I said that I would guess that he was anxious as a kid because he had a problem with biting his shirt and he could not stop moving his hands all the time and teachers literally questioned if he had Tourette’s, and may be in today’s day and age they would’ve diagnosed him ADHD hyperactive and that he had a lot of separation anxiety when I came to sleep because he would always back to sleep in my parents bed and they almost always let him even though that sucked for me because they never let me sleep in their bed, but that he had to recite that Bible verse I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone oh Lord make me dwell in safety every night. I said I’m guessing that he probably doesn’t really think about it too much and that one time we had talked about how my parents view me as The favorite and he had said that it bothers him but that he doesn’t really think about it much. I also explained that my brother’s response to things are very different because he’s very mouthy and it’s really disrespectful and rude to my parents so if my dad were to say something religious my brother might say something like oh my God you’re so stupid how do you believe that and then laugh at him and that I used to be fairly mouthy and rude and disrespectful as well but that I think a lot of that has changed because Chris witnessed it and told me that he was shocked by how disrespectful I was and I was completely unaware because my parents had never corrected me so I don’t usually respond like that.

She asked what my husband thought about the text message by between my dad and I, and I explained that anyway it was good because I think it kind of brought us together because my husband saw that I was 100% on his team and on my parents. I explained that once before my parents had been texting him all the time telling him that he needed to get car insurance and that while I did tell my parents to leave them alone, I did technically agree with them that he needed to do it, and that overall we have had a hard time being on the same team because the eating disorder had always kept us divided. I explained that he kept telling me how he really appreciates how I stood up for him and how I defended him and I think it sort of solidified the fact that we are together and not my parents and I. She agreed and said that it also probably boosted my husband’s ego seeing me defend him like that. She asked how everything else is going on in my life and I said that work is stressful but it kind of is what it is right now as I adjust to the job because so many of the issues really are gray and there is no black-and-white right or wrong answer so a lot of it is making a judgment call. I told her that I have the NCE exam coming up and she was like I don’t know what that is and I was like well it’s the first exam for the professional counseling degree and she was like oh that’s right and I was like yeah I should be more anxious and studying and she was like well that’s really good, and I was like no that’s bad anxiety drives me to study and be a better student and she was like well but you can cram and you will do well as usual and I was like yeah but it’s just a matter of actually doing it right now. I told her that things with my husband and I are going really well and that we are actually looking at buying homes but that it takes finding a home that we both like because we do have different interests. She said not many homes in their area have basements either and I said that made sense because we don’t either. But that all the homes in Long Island had a basement. I said we will take it day by day and see if we find something.

She said that was good and asked what I wanted to come back. I said more like what are you getting back from your non-vacation. She laughed and said Sunday but then Monday is Labor Day and she’s not working for Labor Day, so I laughed and said anything to get out of a day of work. She laughed and said you know me, and I said yeah sleeping in and not working late so you can be with your kids and taking off all holidays and going on non-vacations. She laughed and said goals, goals. She explained that I’m doing the same thing and that sometime she wishes she had focus a little more on her career when she was younger but that I was already doing that which was good. She said that when her kids were little it worked out really well because she was able to work part time and be there for the car pick up line and all of that, and her husband worked to late and I would have that same luxury to be able to work while the kids are in school. She explained that her husband is a good dad but didn’t really enjoy being as involved when they were really little but enjoyed being more involved as they got bigger. I laughed and said I was sure my husband would be the same way because his patients with little little kids Isn’t very good and I can’t see him wanting to wait in the car pick up line. She said her husband has sort of a Nich career in that he is a security data analyst and he used to work for the government but he has a lot of flexibility now with his job but he didn’t want to work for the government. She said he was happy to be more of the breadwinner and work more so that she could be with the kids more. I said that would be my ideal as well. We set up for two Fridays from now on because she was booked up on Tuesday and Wednesday and she only had a early Thursday appointment which I couldn’t do. And then she said she thought her blood sugar was dropping and she asked me if this happens to me too. She said it’s hard for her to think and she needs to eat something and then it will go away. I laughed and said that I just always assume that my body has adjusted to not eating enough over the years that things like that don’t happen to me. She laughed and said oh and that she would be fine when she eat something. I told her I was sorry because I don’t have anything with me and she said it was fine because the other person in practice has a bunch of food in the kitchen, and I said yeah I don’t you keep all of your almonds in the car and she was like oh that’s right so she started eating her almonds and said she would be fine. She also said she should be fine because she thought she had enough protein because she had eggs in the morning and I was like well you're supposed to go for three food groups so you are missing two and she was like well and I had a pancake LOL and I was like OK will you're still missing one and she was like what's the other food group and I was like fruit or vegetable? And she was like oh that makes sense. I told her to enjoy Long Island and to go visit Tates bakeshop and the Hamptons while she was over there. And then I headed out.

I forgot to tell Lynn about how my mom had asked if I exercised, and then when I said no, she asked how I stay so slim.

[mysticalphantussy]

Time To Go

My mom has always treated me like a burden. Middle school, high school she never wanted to do anything with me. She treated me like she hated me. In high school when I had a choir concert she never wanted to go because she would miss her shows. She would literally ask me if she had to go. But when my sister did band we went to every concert. I got an inheritance when I turned 18(I'm 23 now) and that was the only time I felt like she really "loved" me. That whole year before I got it she was nice to me, went to my concerts with no complaints. She would check on me when I went to college and ask me to pay her rent and stuff sometimes. I blew that money like a dumbass because I was poor all my life and I didn't know how to act. When I came home from school cuz I couldn't afford my tuition I went to live with my dad for a few years so things between us were good. Then in 2015 when I got tired of living with my dad and his crazy wife she let me move down here to work and go to school. I got a job and I worked and didn't find a school that I liked so I kept working. When it was time to fill out my FAFSA for me she didn't wanna do it. And I'm just like, how do you want me to go back to school but the VITAL thing I need to do so you don't wanna fill out? I had to get my older sister to convince her to fill it out. And now that I need her to do something else she doesn't want to. She wants me to move out to "start my own life" when she just doesn't want me around anymore. She can't lie and say that she wants me to be happy and independent. She could try and help me be happy but that be too motherly. She doesn't hug me. She doesn't give me kisses. But she's real quick to ask me for money or to babysit for her. I'm good enough to be an ATM and live in babysitter but not enough to show any love or affection. We both suffer from depression and you'd thing it's bring us together. You'd think she'd understand why I am the way I am but she doesn't. She complains about me being in my room all the time, I don't like her boyfriend. She complains about me complaining about being at family functions. BECAUSE! They wanna go down there and be there alllllllllll day. I get tired of being around a lot of people. I don't like loud noises and that's what his family is. Loud. Laid talking, loud music and being around that from 1-12pm is exhausting. So I go get in the car til it's time to go home. But then when I don't go it's why don't you wanna go. She doesn't wanna take me somewhere 10 minutes away but she drive an hour to go get him and then came back. She tried to blame me for their lack of privacy. Um. No. I stay in my room. We have a 3 year old here so that's why they have no privacy. If they wanted to be alone so badly what's stopping them from going out on their own? Nothing. I can watch the kid for awhile while they go out but they don't. He doesn't do shit for her. He could take her out on a date or to go get something to eat but he doesn't. He spends his money on weed and alcohol. She says that I don't help out 🙄 watching this kid for her all the time when she has doctors appointments or when she runs to the store real quick. I buy my own food, I cook for me and for them sometimes and I get no recognition whatsoever. She complains about me layout by around ob my days off from work like... yeah. What else would I do? I'm tired from work and just tired in general so why can't I chill on my days off? All her boyfriend does is chill. He's a piece of shit. She can ask him to do something and he says no and it's all good but if I say no to something she gets mad. So now I'm ready to move out. I fucking hate living here now. Her boyfriend makes to much noises yelling all the time. I don't like that he thinks it's ok to call a 3 year old a r*tard, a dumb ass, and stupid ass. That's not ok and I told her that I don't like it and she basically said whatever. She keeps bugging me about finding a place when I can't afford it. All the rooms on Craigslist are $400-$500/ month and I don't make that much since I quit my old job and my new job doesn't give me any hours. So I guess I have to find a university to go so I can live on campus 😪

[literallytoad]

ignore this I'm just complaining

I'm depressed again oops I love my wife so much but I honestly wish she could have married someone else who is not a complete fuckup, someone who is capable of holding a decent paying full time job and also getting some things done around the house and just giving her what she needs in general and being an equal partner in marriage instead of just a constant drain on her and her resources I graduated like a week or two after we got married and the deal was for me to get a job and be able to pull my own weight but I didn't. It's been almost 3 years and here I am working on a second degree because the only jobs I could get with my degree in physics were low paying part time bullshit (and I really did try to find a job but tutoring for 10 an hour like 20 hours a week was honestly the best I could get) so now I'm working part time in my dumb student job on campus and she is working full time in a real job she hates, being overworked and underpaid and underappreciated to support us and I get why she is angry because she should be. I am 25 fucking years old and have never worked full time. I really don't even have the right to exist. And I just had top surgery right, because it cost 6000 something dollars and my wife's bottom surgery would have cost well over 20,000 so we both agreed it made more sense to get mine first while we can sort of afford it? That makes sense right? But then a couple days ago she told me that her friend had the same surgery in Thailand for NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS including travel including everything and we could have gotten loans and we could have made that happen and why the fuck didn't she tell me that and I want to be mad at her for that but I also could have looked that up on my own and I didn't because I'm selfish and I just wanted what I wanted. I was so happy about my new chest but now when I see it I just feel absolutely sick with guilt because I took something away from my wife that she desperately wanted. I thought it was an impossible dream either way. I didn't know I was taking it from her but I did and now I have to live with that. And she says my recovery has been hard for her and I have tried so hard to do absolutely everything for myself that I can, I haven't asked her to bring me my medication past the actual day of my surgery, I didn't ask her to help me wash my hair when it was getting disgusting and I couldn't shower, I raised my arms up to do it myself even though I wasn't supposed to. I did ask her to help me change the bandages every day for the first week and I know that was frustrating for her but it was medically necessary and I was not physically able to do it by myself and she said she would take care of me but now I get why she was so bitter and resentful about it. And I asked her if she wanted me to try applying for admin jobs again, full-time things that require a bachelor's degree but not a specific major, and she said no, she wants me to finish my second degree and become a fucking mechanical engineer and anything less is not good enough. Meanwhile FAFSA has cut me off and I don't even know how I'm going to pay for classes next semester because after paying for top surgery and for other things this summer while not working, I don't have enough left on my credit cards so I'm pretty much just fucked. And I'm finally starting the process of being assessed for adhd, and while I obviously don't know for sure whether I meet the diagnostic criteria for it, I do know that I forget things and make tons of mistakes all the time and fuck everything up and if you do that as an engineer people can literally die. I'm afraid of getting a diagnosis and having an actual confirmed disability. I'm afraid of NOT getting a diagnosis and having to live with the fact that I'm just dumb and lazy and overly sensitive and that I have no excuse for it. I wish I could live by myself. I wish that when I get in a bad state and can't take care of myself or my space, I wish that was just my problem. I wish my wife, who I love, didn't have to pick up the slack. I wish that I could live in a cheap ass one bedroom or studio apartment and not make a lot of money and it would be ok because I don't need a lot. I wish all the stuff in my living space was mine so I could move it or get rid of it when the rare motivation to clean and organize strikes me. I wish fucking up just meant fucking up my own life. I wish my wife didn't have to suffer from me being literal human garbage. I don't want to kill myself but I wish I had just never existed.

#she deserves so much better #my post #complaining #depression / #suicide mention #top surgery #money #career stuff #marriage #maybe this is post op depression idk if it can set in more than a week after surgery #I hate myself though #i really am not looking for attention I am ok and I don't need any responses to this #It just feels better to get it out there

[mrandyzavala]

Hi! I'm Back!

Hiiiiiiii Oh god, it's been so long.  So first: I AM SO SORRY.

I'm on my knees! Or sitting in a swivel chair.  

Second, there's a reason I took a hiatus....and then continued to write and rewrite the next blog....and then procrastinated. So first let me thank two dear friends who have been actively involved in marine mammal training for helping me get this latest blog out to the universe.  It was seriously like a gigantic poop that needed to come out, but just wouldn't no matter how many trips to the ol' W.C. it took. (Look, you are all zookeepers so I feel like you can handle this analogy.)

God that feels good

For those of you who don't know, I left the field to pursue the equally amazing field of forensic science.  Yes, I voluntarily put myself in FAFSA debt so I could hopefully one day be gainfully employed dealing with delicious science.  Mostly, I just wanted a lab coat and to use pipettes every day.  Anyways, I've been working hard at getting my M.S. in forensic science.  I LOVE it but it has completely taken over my life.  And I've been doing a lot of thinking about the marine mammal community....what it was like to leave it, what it's like to be on the outside, and what overlap there'll be in my new chosen field with the old one.  There are a few things I want to talk about.

The pipe really drives it home

First, some of the reason why it took me so long to publish this blog is because - honestly- I was pretty angry.   Was it at animal rights activists?  Or did I turn anti-captivity?

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.  ...but candy. 

No and no.  While there have been a few incidents that have really upset me that have had to do with animal rights extremists (Vancouver Aquarium, anyone?), the thing that really hurt me was the belief some of you had that I "went to the other side."  That sentiment started happening around the time I started at National Aquarium, and it seems like it kind of spiraled into a sad little story.

It doesn't have to be this way

So let's just make sure you all know, I am NOT anti-zoo.  You know what I am? I am pro-animal, like all of you.  I believe in the incredible work that many zoos and aquariums do.   Those are the places that put their animals first, and the ones who are willing to take feedback (no matter how critical) and use it to make themselves better.  That was something I thought I'd find at National Aquarium; they want to do something different for their animals.  And you know what? Their dolphins are AMAZING.  Their vet and training staff are some of the most dedicated I've ever seen, both towards the animals and towards the staff.  I thought it was a really cool idea to think about building a state of the art facility for the animals.  Here's something really interesting I've come across since starting my new journey: the forensic science field -especially fingerprint and firearms comparison- has been pretty heavily scrutinized by not just the media, but institutions like the National Institute for Justice.  I mean, reading this stuff made me think, "Oh my god, the marine mammal community knows what this feels like."  It's the same song you guys know: a combination of smart people and people with strong opinions but with basically no real world experience make some pretty sweeping, damning statements about things they really don't seem to understand.

Because I has strongish feelings

But what's interested me the most in this parallel situation is not so much how the criticism (or its delivery...including documentaries, websites, official reports, etc.) is similar.  It's how drastically different the forensic science community handled (handles?) it as compared to the marine mammal community. I love you guys, seriously.  But what we collectively are not doing very well is responding scientifically to our critics.  Yes, I know a handful of you have, which is awesome. But collectively, we still basically dig our heels in the sand and declare that we are the "experts"....without actually acting like experts in our response to our critics. If you're super mad at that last paragraph, you're proving my point.  We have a really distracting emotional response to Blackfish, Ric O'Barry, or the disgruntled guest who thinks our dolphins should have bigger habitats.  We respond with buzz words, but not with empirical evidence.  Let's look at an example I encountered quite a bit at one of my former facilities. When we were discussing building a larger habitat for the dolphins, who live in a 60 year old exhibit, these are actual replies we got from those who had the power to change the situation: "There's no evidence supporting the notion that larger habitats are better for dolphins." "Saying you want a bigger dolphin habitat is what an animal rights activist would say." "Saying we need a better habitat means the one we have is not adequate, and it's plenty adequate.  It far exceeds the USDA requirements."

Look what we did to this poor pup

Sigh.  Okay.  Do you see the problem yet?  I know some of you do, because I've talked to you on the phone, via email, or in person about this issue.  And it seems to be pretty standard at most (not all!!) places.  And the problem seems to be a combination of the following: 1) Lots of newer generation trainers do not tend to agree with management in terms of ethics of habitats, treatment, and focus of their animal programs. 2) Saying there is no evidence supporting that larger habitats are better is....a circular argument.  There is no evidence because there is very little true research on this topic.  Guys, that doesn't count.  YES of course there are quantifiable facts we can share with the world; bottlenose dolphins tend to live well past their average life span in human care.  They reproduce very well.  That is a testament to great care, but it is not the same as saying we have "research" to prove our habitats are the best they can be.   To be fair, we have cranked out a LOT of fantastic veterinary/physiological research.  We even have a good chunk of cognitive research out there, which is fantastic.  But we need more behavioral and "welfare" research.  We need to define how we scientifically define wellness, and then measure that within our various populations.  

Marry me.

You know what forensic science did when they got nailed on not having enough true research?  When a Obama's presidential committee said, "Uh, your science like, isn't valid and you don't have any research to prove it"?  They did research.   They said, "We really disagree with this statement, raaaahhh we are so mad!! WE ARE SO MAD WE ARE TOTALLY GONNA DO RESEARCH TO SHOW YOU!" and they did.  There was an EXPLOSION of research and publications.  And many of these institutions did not have a lot of funding.  They had to apply for grants, or do some magical things with their budgets.  They knew they had to make it happen not just for their critics, but for their field of discipline as well. Let me tack on here that one common argument against conducting research in marine mammal facilities I've encountered a lot is that we don't have time in between shows and interactions.  I understand we have to make money to spend it on the animals. But that cannot be the end of the conversation. If we want to make our animal care the best it can be, and we call ourselves experts in a scientific field, we HAVE to make time for research. That means we have to get creative with our daily programming.  Other places have done this successfully, and there are a lot of really smart, creative people in this field.  If you are not interested in finding time to do research, then let people on your team who are motivated to do so find a way.  It is absolutely possible in most cases. 

Everything I've ever learned, I've learned from Will Ferrel movies

3) Wanting something NEW and "better" does not automatically mean you suck right now.  Change is a good thing.  Change is not giving in to animal rights activists.  It's being the zoological scientists we are and saying, "Hmm, this aspect of our care is going well.  But this one isn't.  Or it could be better."

Be like Rafiki. 

Lastly, I think it's important to be careful how we handle trainers and zookeepers who have these different ideas.   It's not as simple as "if you're not with us, you're against us."  SO many of you guys have told me that's how you feel it is.  Many of you have left jobs hoping to find a place that shares your morals when it comes to marine mammal care.  Many of you say you're sticking around where you work so you can work your way up the ladder to get into a position to change things.  Many of you bite your tongue because you don't want to be labeled as an animal rights activist.  I totally get that, because I've been in that position too. For example, one of the biggest criticisms I heard about National Aquarium's decision?  That the dolphins would be put in sea-pens.  Sea pens.  Like, the kind they have at Dolphin Quest.  DRC.  The Navy.  Okay, are we sure that we don't like sea pens?

Cool!

Wait, maybe we don't like animals going from a manmade environment to natural sea water.  How we will acclimatize the animals?  Um, why don't we ask those questions when we transport dolphins from similar conditions? From natural and/or outdoor habitats to indoor, manmade ones and vice versa? Guys, we do this ALL the time.   I've literally dumped a dolphin who made a transcontinental transport into a pool with two other male dolphins with zero acclimation.  He was fine.  The others were fine.   What I'm saying is, we can't just freak out because a facility decides to try something different.  Our arguments become really emotional, and really hypocritical.  UNLESS.  Unless we say, "Hey, you know what, maybe if we're uncomfortable with transport protocol, we should collectively study this.  And you know what? Let's pair up with that place we're not totally in agreement with to work together to gather some information, swap some ideas." 

But not on Saturdays.

But we keep getting hung up on "letting the activists win" or "we have to stick together" and shut down new ideas.  Guys.  Stop.  The marine mammal community has got bigger goals to achieve.  We've got to look at our facilities and say, "Let's do some research" and "What's working really well here...and what's really NOT."  We have got to stop criticizing other facilities for stupid things like....maintaining natural social groups, phasing out shows, whatever.  Those facilities are not dolphin huggers or weaklings who caved to Blackfish.  Those facilities are managing their animals a) the way most zoos manage their animals....in natural situations and b) those facilities are cranking out some amazing research.  Let's not make fun of them.  What are they doing that is working?  It may not be exactly what you want to do, and that is okay.  What's even more okay is sharing info with each other without passing harsh, sophomoric judgment.  Come on! Let's have some fun! Let's dream!!! What is YOUR dream facility? What kinds of things would you do there?  Start really asking yourself those questions, no matter what level you are.  And if you're in a managerial level, be open to new ideas.  Those are what make us BETTER.  They are not dangerous.  And let's do some RESEARCH guys!!! Get those training brains to work: if you love research, design some ideas.  If you hate the idea of research but love training, you've got endless opportunities to train some amazing behaviors.    Oh my god, there are so many incredible things you can do.  I know a lot of you....so I can only imagine what you guys can do with a little support from your institution.

With a gif like Bill Murray, you know I'm serious. 

I've got some cool content coming up, and some interesting forensic-y stuff, too.  So this isn't the end of the Middle Flipper, it just needed a breather.  Thanks for sticking with me! I heart you guys, no matter if you agree with this blog :). Feel free to reach out to me if you need to talk, whether you're supportive of my opinion or you want to have a mature discussion exploring our different perspectives!  from The Middle Flipper http://ift.tt/2punnEc